Last time, on Childrens Hospital...
I don't go in for Women's Lib...
What are you doing for the bicentennial?
That Farrah Fawcett poster is out of this world!
Disco sucks!
Up your nose with a rubber hose...
You going to see The Captain & Tennille?
- Baseball mustache... - Khmer Rouge...
- Station wagons... Camel toe...
- Macramé... - Cocaine...
- The Joy of Sex... - Steely Dan...
Something from the 70s...
Reggie Jackson, Skylab, Kurt Vonnegut...
The energy crisis...
The energy crisis, Vietnam, Son of Sam, Watergate...
- Bell bottoms... - Vegetables...
Transcript by Dwigt www.addic7ed.com
Childrens Hospital was filmed in front of a live studio audience.
Hey, happy New Year...
We're counting down the Top 100 Hits of 1975.
That was "Panties Full of Honey" by The Dumb Drops,
number 97 on our year-end countdown.
I'm Glenn Beck.
It's a rainy New Year's Eve...
Lots of deaths in Vietnam today, mosty women and babies...
And this one goes out to them...
It's by The Jupiter Experience and it's called "Early Morning Sex".
Here we are. Childrens Hospital.
Hey, you just get back from 'Nam?
Yeah...
How does it feel to be a baby killer?
I wouldn't know. I'm a doctor.
I saved babies...
who later went on to be killed by my friends.
Mostly Mark.
Anyway, keep the change.
Attention, hospital staff:
Answering machines are a new invention.
Can I help you, baby killer?
Hey, I served my country. You dig?
- I'm no baby killer. - Then who are you?
I'm Dr. Glenn Richie, the new abortionist.
Hey, Tanya...
So... You want to play some bumper pool?
- I'm only play regular pool. - Mmmm... Righteous...
Hey, when are the two new doctors getting here?
I don't know.
I hear one of them is a Vietnam vet.
Yeah, and the brass is being really tight-lipped about the other one.
They say he'll somehow launch us
into the first part of the 4th quarter of the 20th century.
- Cool! - Mmm-mmm...
Maybe the new doctor will be a monorail... or a CB radio...
Or Twilight heart-throb Robert Pattinson.
Oh... Sorry, nurse...
We thought the new doctor was coming in.
She did just come in.
Well, first off, you mean: "He just came in."
And, where is he?
No, I most definitely did not mean "he".
What are you talking about, nurse...
What's your name again?
The name is Lola Spratt. Dr. Lola Spratt.
Righteous!
- Brian? - You're dumped.
Blake, did you hear the news?
There's a hostage crisis going down.
Arrhh.... Read between the lines, Iran!
Wait a second. I said "hostages"? I meant "hot dogs".
Too many patients, not enough hot dogs to go around.
The government was supposed to be subsidizing hot dogs.
Dig this, baby.
Oh, Ford, you turkey!
- When will the 80s get here? - Not soon enough, babydoll.
Shazam!
Glenn, my boy!
This is Chief. She's a candy-striper.
She'll show you the ropes.
Thank you, Mr. Childrens.
- So, you just got back, huh? - Yeah, yeah...
But, honestly, I'm finding it a little difficult
to integrate back into society.
Oh, maybe this will help you keep your mind on work.
This is our brand new, state-of-the art heart monitor.
Oh, right on!
This doesn't sound right. This needs calibrating.
So, what did you do over there anyway?
I saved lives, I got beaucoup laid.
And I really got into this Vietnamese band called "The Doors",
I don't know how it translates into English.
This is our new dialysis machine.
I guess this one needs calibrating too.
Hey... So...
If you're just a candy-striper, why do they call you Chief?
I'm a hundred percent Choctaw Indian.
Oh... This here is an exemple of our new in-vitro fertilization technology.
Oh, my God... What are we doing?
So much pain...
This one needs to sound less like Vietnamese people yelling.
- I think I broke your test tube. - Test tube baby killer!
And with that, I welcome Childrens Hospital's new doctor--
or should I say "doctoress" --
Dr. Lola Spratt.
Questions?
- Are you aware... - Flash us your penis!
How many female doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
How can you be a doctor without pants?
In your opinion, is a woman even smart enough to be a doctor?
No way, man... This ain't like
making no chicken cacciatore or beef stroganoff.
You can't operate on someone using sex appeal.
You move fast on those getaway sticks, baby.
- That's Dr. Baby to you. - Cool out, woman.
You want a lude?
I want to be taken seriously.
I went to medical school for the same number of years as you.
I want respect. I want my due.
And I want a lude, yes. I do want one of those.
I think you're brave.
Who made you want to become a lady doctor?
I don't know. I'm an Aquarius, so...
You're an Aquarius? What a coincidence! I'm bisexual!
You got anybody to kiss at midnight tonight?
Dr. Spratt?
Your three o'clock operation has been canceled.
- Canceled? Why? - The patient doesn't want a woman
to operate on him.
What a dick!
Attention, hospital staff:
I'm easy. Easy like Sunday morning.
That is all.
Got to get this New Year's punch bowl in the cafeteria.
I mean, what the hey, man?
There's lines like these for hot dogs in every hospital in the country.
Almost doesn't seem worth it, you know.
Hey! Don't you ever say that!
Hot dogs are part of what makes this country great.
You think it's a coincidence that hot dogs are shaped like dongs?
No way, Jose!
Hot dogs are our country's penis. You get that to your head, Jose.
Geez, Louise! Take a lude, why don't you?
Sorry. I don't know what got into me.
Besides, I can't take a lude.
It would counteract all the cocaine I just took.
Oh, wait. That's what's gotten into me! I just took cocaine!
This country is falling apart.
Damn! Damn! Damn!
These are not good times!
I'm not letting some skirt take my tonsils out.
Hey! That's Dr. Skirt to you!
Relax, baby...
- I'll take the kid's tonsils out. - Gah...
Come on! I'm not letting her do it.
Do you really think I'm gonna let you? Are you black and retarded?
- You little motherf... - Hey, hey, hey...
What the hell is going on here?
Leave us alone, baby killer...
You hear that, kid? Women, right?
Sure, sometimes they piss us off, call us names,
and sometimes we want to call them names back,
- like "bitch". - Or "whore".
Or "slut" or something like that.
"Whore" is a good one. I like "whore".
I can't even begin to list the possible names for Brian here.
"Shine" comes to mind.
That's a weird one, popular in old detective novels.
But let me tell you something.
This particular whore, and this particular shine,
they went to medical school, which makes them a hell of a lot better
than a lot of the slutbags and schvartzes out there.
And it makes them a hell of a lot better than you. You got it?
Fine, I'll give my tonsils out.
But you have to do it.
- Righteous! - All right, let's do it.
"Take out his sparerib" for $200.
- Oh, you'll never do that. - Don't touch the side...
- Here goes his funny bone! - It takes a very steady hand.
I did it. That's $200 for me.
Oh, damn, I nicked his artery... He's bleeding out!
Butterfingers!
- Suture below the incision. - Where? I can't see it!
Here! Diagonally.
Pretty sneaky, sis!
Sorry!
I can't believe we lost him.
Happy New Year? More like Unhappy New Year!
Good one, Blake!
I hope you never lose your ability to make people laugh.
Hey, Glenn! Thanks for these hot dogs.
Where did you get them anyway?
Ah, I learnt how to make 'em back in 'Nam.
I knew it would come handy someday.
Hey, how was your first day, you two?
Oh, it was a tough one.
Reminds me of that day in Danang
when we killed a bunch of babies and made hot dogs out of them.
- How about you, Lola? - Oh, it was fine.
But I just got my period, so I'm gonna home sick.
Before you do...
- It's almost midnight... - Yeah...
Did you ever decide who you wanted to kiss?
Yeah, I did.
I wanna kiss...
all of you!
I think we're gonna make quite an interesting team.
Come on! Come on! Get over here!
My first kiss!
What's happening?
You've got to like that!
Transcript by Dwigt www.addic7ed.com
My first orgasm!
Attention, hospital staff:
Paging a very smart 15-year-old boy
named Barack Obama.
That is all.
Any comment on the current hot dog crisis?
As a matter of fact, I do, man. My father was a hot dog.
He got murdered.