1 00:00:13,491 --> 00:00:16,906 Last time, on Childrens Hospital... 2 00:00:17,190 --> 00:00:19,266 I don't go in for Women's Lib... 3 00:00:19,286 --> 00:00:20,920 What are you doing for the bicentennial? 4 00:00:20,936 --> 00:00:23,851 That Farrah Fawcett poster is out of this world! 5 00:00:23,898 --> 00:00:25,187 Disco sucks! 6 00:00:25,190 --> 00:00:27,042 Up your nose with a rubber hose... 7 00:00:27,065 --> 00:00:28,812 You going to see The Captain & Tennille? 8 00:00:28,825 --> 00:00:30,946 - Baseball mustache... - Khmer Rouge... 9 00:00:30,956 --> 00:00:32,784 - Station wagons... Camel toe... 10 00:00:32,791 --> 00:00:34,216 - Macramé... - Cocaine... 11 00:00:34,217 --> 00:00:35,873 - The Joy of Sex... - Steely Dan... 12 00:00:35,917 --> 00:00:37,400 Something from the 70s... 13 00:00:37,476 --> 00:00:39,687 Reggie Jackson, Skylab, Kurt Vonnegut... 14 00:00:39,695 --> 00:00:40,981 The energy crisis... 15 00:00:41,005 --> 00:00:44,698 The energy crisis, Vietnam, Son of Sam, Watergate... 16 00:00:44,722 --> 00:00:46,196 - Bell bottoms... - Vegetables... 17 00:00:48,558 --> 00:00:50,558 Transcript by Dwigt www.addic7ed.com 18 00:00:50,921 --> 00:00:54,852 Childrens Hospital was filmed in front of a live studio audience. 19 00:00:57,052 --> 00:00:58,324 Hey, happy New Year... 20 00:00:58,325 --> 00:01:01,654 We're counting down the Top 100 Hits of 1975. 21 00:01:01,704 --> 00:01:04,695 That was "Panties Full of Honey" by The Dumb Drops, 22 00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:07,068 number 97 on our year-end countdown. 23 00:01:07,069 --> 00:01:08,387 I'm Glenn Beck. 24 00:01:08,388 --> 00:01:10,388 It's a rainy New Year's Eve... 25 00:01:10,563 --> 00:01:13,795 Lots of deaths in Vietnam today, mosty women and babies... 26 00:01:13,796 --> 00:01:15,595 And this one goes out to them... 27 00:01:15,596 --> 00:01:19,908 It's by The Jupiter Experience and it's called "Early Morning Sex". 28 00:01:19,933 --> 00:01:22,008 Here we are. Childrens Hospital. 29 00:01:22,033 --> 00:01:24,581 Hey, you just get back from 'Nam? 30 00:01:24,972 --> 00:01:26,178 Yeah... 31 00:01:26,228 --> 00:01:28,228 How does it feel to be a baby killer? 32 00:01:28,253 --> 00:01:30,252 I wouldn't know. I'm a doctor. 33 00:01:30,253 --> 00:01:31,578 I saved babies... 34 00:01:32,078 --> 00:01:34,378 who later went on to be killed by my friends. 35 00:01:35,097 --> 00:01:36,503 Mostly Mark. 36 00:01:37,428 --> 00:01:39,678 Anyway, keep the change. 37 00:01:57,916 --> 00:01:59,800 Attention, hospital staff: 38 00:02:00,075 --> 00:02:02,375 Answering machines are a new invention. 39 00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:04,100 Can I help you, baby killer? 40 00:02:04,150 --> 00:02:06,602 Hey, I served my country. You dig? 41 00:02:06,625 --> 00:02:09,271 - I'm no baby killer. - Then who are you? 42 00:02:09,296 --> 00:02:12,726 I'm Dr. Glenn Richie, the new abortionist. 43 00:02:14,776 --> 00:02:16,351 Hey, Tanya... 44 00:02:21,469 --> 00:02:23,350 So... You want to play some bumper pool? 45 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:27,085 - I'm only play regular pool. - Mmmm... Righteous... 46 00:02:27,452 --> 00:02:30,081 Hey, when are the two new doctors getting here? 47 00:02:30,082 --> 00:02:31,524 I don't know. 48 00:02:31,525 --> 00:02:33,096 I hear one of them is a Vietnam vet. 49 00:02:33,097 --> 00:02:35,728 Yeah, and the brass is being really tight-lipped about the other one. 50 00:02:35,857 --> 00:02:37,821 They say he'll somehow launch us 51 00:02:37,822 --> 00:02:40,296 into the first part of the 4th quarter of the 20th century. 52 00:02:40,321 --> 00:02:41,954 - Cool! - Mmm-mmm... 53 00:02:42,020 --> 00:02:45,304 Maybe the new doctor will be a monorail... or a CB radio... 54 00:02:45,329 --> 00:02:47,551 Or Twilight heart-throb Robert Pattinson. 55 00:02:50,226 --> 00:02:53,270 Oh... Sorry, nurse... 56 00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:55,319 We thought the new doctor was coming in. 57 00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:56,819 She did just come in. 58 00:02:56,820 --> 00:03:00,060 Well, first off, you mean: "He just came in." 59 00:03:00,061 --> 00:03:02,061 And, where is he? 60 00:03:02,111 --> 00:03:04,463 No, I most definitely did not mean "he". 61 00:03:04,638 --> 00:03:07,097 What are you talking about, nurse... 62 00:03:07,789 --> 00:03:09,193 What's your name again? 63 00:03:09,402 --> 00:03:13,723 The name is Lola Spratt. Dr. Lola Spratt. 64 00:03:16,350 --> 00:03:18,350 Righteous! 65 00:03:18,700 --> 00:03:20,700 - Brian? - You're dumped. 66 00:03:22,550 --> 00:03:24,775 Blake, did you hear the news? 67 00:03:24,825 --> 00:03:26,824 There's a hostage crisis going down. 68 00:03:26,825 --> 00:03:29,224 Arrhh.... Read between the lines, Iran! 69 00:03:29,225 --> 00:03:31,773 Wait a second. I said "hostages"? I meant "hot dogs". 70 00:03:31,841 --> 00:03:34,552 Too many patients, not enough hot dogs to go around. 71 00:03:34,577 --> 00:03:36,680 The government was supposed to be subsidizing hot dogs. 72 00:03:36,704 --> 00:03:38,069 Dig this, baby. 73 00:03:39,450 --> 00:03:41,649 Oh, Ford, you turkey! 74 00:03:41,650 --> 00:03:45,128 - When will the 80s get here? - Not soon enough, babydoll. 75 00:03:45,129 --> 00:03:46,194 Shazam! 76 00:03:51,119 --> 00:03:52,369 Glenn, my boy! 77 00:03:53,694 --> 00:03:56,144 This is Chief. She's a candy-striper. 78 00:03:56,444 --> 00:03:58,144 She'll show you the ropes. 79 00:03:58,294 --> 00:03:59,838 Thank you, Mr. Childrens. 80 00:03:59,863 --> 00:04:02,178 - So, you just got back, huh? - Yeah, yeah... 81 00:04:02,179 --> 00:04:03,799 But, honestly, I'm finding it a little difficult 82 00:04:03,824 --> 00:04:05,343 to integrate back into society. 83 00:04:05,374 --> 00:04:08,089 Oh, maybe this will help you keep your mind on work. 84 00:04:08,095 --> 00:04:11,434 This is our brand new, state-of-the art heart monitor. 85 00:04:11,435 --> 00:04:12,610 Oh, right on! 86 00:04:15,334 --> 00:04:18,872 This doesn't sound right. This needs calibrating. 87 00:04:18,997 --> 00:04:20,921 So, what did you do over there anyway? 88 00:04:20,971 --> 00:04:23,829 I saved lives, I got beaucoup laid. 89 00:04:23,830 --> 00:04:26,405 And I really got into this Vietnamese band called "The Doors", 90 00:04:26,406 --> 00:04:27,985 I don't know how it translates into English. 91 00:04:27,986 --> 00:04:29,986 This is our new dialysis machine. 92 00:04:32,761 --> 00:04:35,115 I guess this one needs calibrating too. 93 00:04:35,163 --> 00:04:37,088 Hey... So... 94 00:04:37,188 --> 00:04:39,745 If you're just a candy-striper, why do they call you Chief? 95 00:04:39,870 --> 00:04:41,870 I'm a hundred percent Choctaw Indian. 96 00:04:42,370 --> 00:04:46,115 Oh... This here is an exemple of our new in-vitro fertilization technology. 97 00:04:48,140 --> 00:04:51,283 Oh, my God... What are we doing? 98 00:04:51,284 --> 00:04:52,930 So much pain... 99 00:04:53,055 --> 00:04:56,012 This one needs to sound less like Vietnamese people yelling. 100 00:04:56,038 --> 00:04:58,763 - I think I broke your test tube. - Test tube baby killer! 101 00:04:58,887 --> 00:05:02,091 And with that, I welcome Childrens Hospital's new doctor-- 102 00:05:02,092 --> 00:05:04,066 or should I say "doctoress" -- 103 00:05:04,067 --> 00:05:05,351 Dr. Lola Spratt. 104 00:05:08,406 --> 00:05:09,550 Questions? 105 00:05:09,551 --> 00:05:11,175 - Are you aware... - Flash us your penis! 106 00:05:11,176 --> 00:05:14,149 How many female doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 107 00:05:14,349 --> 00:05:16,511 How can you be a doctor without pants? 108 00:05:16,965 --> 00:05:20,980 In your opinion, is a woman even smart enough to be a doctor? 109 00:05:20,991 --> 00:05:22,190 No way, man... This ain't like 110 00:05:22,191 --> 00:05:24,191 making no chicken cacciatore or beef stroganoff. 111 00:05:24,691 --> 00:05:27,241 You can't operate on someone using sex appeal. 112 00:05:28,086 --> 00:05:30,321 You move fast on those getaway sticks, baby. 113 00:05:30,821 --> 00:05:33,404 - That's Dr. Baby to you. - Cool out, woman. 114 00:05:33,716 --> 00:05:34,986 You want a lude? 115 00:05:34,987 --> 00:05:37,010 I want to be taken seriously. 116 00:05:37,021 --> 00:05:39,670 I went to medical school for the same number of years as you. 117 00:05:39,692 --> 00:05:41,782 I want respect. I want my due. 118 00:05:41,802 --> 00:05:44,886 And I want a lude, yes. I do want one of those. 119 00:05:45,041 --> 00:05:46,558 I think you're brave. 120 00:05:47,352 --> 00:05:49,327 Who made you want to become a lady doctor? 121 00:05:49,328 --> 00:05:51,861 I don't know. I'm an Aquarius, so... 122 00:05:51,862 --> 00:05:54,863 You're an Aquarius? What a coincidence! I'm bisexual! 123 00:05:54,864 --> 00:05:57,500 You got anybody to kiss at midnight tonight? 124 00:05:57,501 --> 00:05:58,729 Dr. Spratt? 125 00:05:58,902 --> 00:06:01,343 Your three o'clock operation has been canceled. 126 00:06:01,354 --> 00:06:03,307 - Canceled? Why? - The patient doesn't want a woman 127 00:06:03,308 --> 00:06:04,517 to operate on him. 128 00:06:21,781 --> 00:06:23,431 What a dick! 129 00:06:23,432 --> 00:06:25,432 Attention, hospital staff: 130 00:06:25,449 --> 00:06:27,897 I'm easy. Easy like Sunday morning. 131 00:06:28,171 --> 00:06:29,339 That is all. 132 00:06:29,701 --> 00:06:32,921 Got to get this New Year's punch bowl in the cafeteria. 133 00:06:32,961 --> 00:06:34,489 I mean, what the hey, man? 134 00:06:34,526 --> 00:06:37,373 There's lines like these for hot dogs in every hospital in the country. 135 00:06:38,237 --> 00:06:40,060 Almost doesn't seem worth it, you know. 136 00:06:40,071 --> 00:06:42,070 Hey! Don't you ever say that! 137 00:06:42,071 --> 00:06:44,373 Hot dogs are part of what makes this country great. 138 00:06:44,413 --> 00:06:47,086 You think it's a coincidence that hot dogs are shaped like dongs? 139 00:06:47,103 --> 00:06:48,312 No way, Jose! 140 00:06:48,670 --> 00:06:52,267 Hot dogs are our country's penis. You get that to your head, Jose. 141 00:06:52,377 --> 00:06:54,798 Geez, Louise! Take a lude, why don't you? 142 00:06:54,812 --> 00:06:57,294 Sorry. I don't know what got into me. 143 00:06:57,295 --> 00:06:58,512 Besides, I can't take a lude. 144 00:06:58,529 --> 00:07:00,529 It would counteract all the cocaine I just took. 145 00:07:00,546 --> 00:07:04,191 Oh, wait. That's what's gotten into me! I just took cocaine! 146 00:07:04,302 --> 00:07:05,953 This country is falling apart. 147 00:07:08,266 --> 00:07:11,465 Damn! Damn! Damn! 148 00:07:11,942 --> 00:07:15,142 These are not good times! 149 00:07:16,166 --> 00:07:18,871 I'm not letting some skirt take my tonsils out. 150 00:07:18,934 --> 00:07:21,072 Hey! That's Dr. Skirt to you! 151 00:07:21,181 --> 00:07:22,592 Relax, baby... 152 00:07:23,092 --> 00:07:25,828 - I'll take the kid's tonsils out. - Gah... 153 00:07:26,165 --> 00:07:28,442 Come on! I'm not letting her do it. 154 00:07:28,551 --> 00:07:31,620 Do you really think I'm gonna let you? Are you black and retarded? 155 00:07:31,637 --> 00:07:33,821 - You little motherf... - Hey, hey, hey... 156 00:07:33,950 --> 00:07:35,424 What the hell is going on here? 157 00:07:35,441 --> 00:07:37,441 Leave us alone, baby killer... 158 00:07:37,688 --> 00:07:39,676 You hear that, kid? Women, right? 159 00:07:39,969 --> 00:07:42,689 Sure, sometimes they piss us off, call us names, 160 00:07:42,722 --> 00:07:45,066 and sometimes we want to call them names back, 161 00:07:45,067 --> 00:07:47,417 - like "bitch". - Or "whore". 162 00:07:47,434 --> 00:07:49,434 Or "slut" or something like that. 163 00:07:49,934 --> 00:07:51,934 "Whore" is a good one. I like "whore". 164 00:07:52,178 --> 00:07:54,915 I can't even begin to list the possible names for Brian here. 165 00:07:55,785 --> 00:07:57,585 "Shine" comes to mind. 166 00:07:57,815 --> 00:08:00,412 That's a weird one, popular in old detective novels. 167 00:08:00,454 --> 00:08:01,628 But let me tell you something. 168 00:08:01,642 --> 00:08:05,422 This particular whore, and this particular shine, 169 00:08:05,439 --> 00:08:08,707 they went to medical school, which makes them a hell of a lot better 170 00:08:08,747 --> 00:08:11,919 than a lot of the slutbags and schvartzes out there. 171 00:08:13,133 --> 00:08:16,054 And it makes them a hell of a lot better than you. You got it? 172 00:08:18,118 --> 00:08:20,024 Fine, I'll give my tonsils out. 173 00:08:20,025 --> 00:08:21,652 But you have to do it. 174 00:08:21,674 --> 00:08:23,567 - Righteous! - All right, let's do it. 175 00:08:27,672 --> 00:08:30,367 "Take out his sparerib" for $200. 176 00:08:30,408 --> 00:08:32,936 - Oh, you'll never do that. - Don't touch the side... 177 00:08:32,953 --> 00:08:36,208 - Here goes his funny bone! - It takes a very steady hand. 178 00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:38,664 I did it. That's $200 for me. 179 00:08:39,026 --> 00:08:41,680 Oh, damn, I nicked his artery... He's bleeding out! 180 00:08:41,697 --> 00:08:42,890 Butterfingers! 181 00:08:42,907 --> 00:08:45,113 - Suture below the incision. - Where? I can't see it! 182 00:08:45,132 --> 00:08:47,613 Here! Diagonally. 183 00:08:47,769 --> 00:08:49,651 Pretty sneaky, sis! 184 00:08:53,063 --> 00:08:54,927 Sorry! 185 00:08:58,371 --> 00:09:00,139 I can't believe we lost him. 186 00:09:00,639 --> 00:09:03,608 Happy New Year? More like Unhappy New Year! 187 00:09:04,431 --> 00:09:05,647 Good one, Blake! 188 00:09:05,659 --> 00:09:08,354 I hope you never lose your ability to make people laugh. 189 00:09:08,463 --> 00:09:10,546 Hey, Glenn! Thanks for these hot dogs. 190 00:09:10,557 --> 00:09:11,957 Where did you get them anyway? 191 00:09:11,974 --> 00:09:14,201 Ah, I learnt how to make 'em back in 'Nam. 192 00:09:14,265 --> 00:09:15,943 I knew it would come handy someday. 193 00:09:15,987 --> 00:09:17,870 Hey, how was your first day, you two? 194 00:09:17,883 --> 00:09:19,235 Oh, it was a tough one. 195 00:09:19,248 --> 00:09:21,375 Reminds me of that day in Danang 196 00:09:21,414 --> 00:09:23,850 when we killed a bunch of babies and made hot dogs out of them. 197 00:09:23,889 --> 00:09:26,097 - How about you, Lola? - Oh, it was fine. 198 00:09:26,802 --> 00:09:29,927 But I just got my period, so I'm gonna home sick. 199 00:09:31,196 --> 00:09:32,505 Before you do... 200 00:09:32,749 --> 00:09:34,903 - It's almost midnight... - Yeah... 201 00:09:34,966 --> 00:09:36,579 Did you ever decide who you wanted to kiss? 202 00:09:36,957 --> 00:09:39,079 Yeah, I did. 203 00:09:39,272 --> 00:09:41,272 I wanna kiss... 204 00:09:41,311 --> 00:09:42,439 all of you! 205 00:09:42,478 --> 00:09:45,098 I think we're gonna make quite an interesting team. 206 00:09:47,110 --> 00:09:51,087 Come on! Come on! Get over here! 207 00:09:51,587 --> 00:09:53,072 My first kiss! 208 00:10:03,903 --> 00:10:05,315 What's happening? 209 00:10:18,044 --> 00:10:20,322 You've got to like that! 210 00:10:33,542 --> 00:10:37,542 Transcript by Dwigt www.addic7ed.com 211 00:10:40,762 --> 00:10:42,154 My first orgasm! 212 00:10:43,201 --> 00:10:44,902 Attention, hospital staff: 213 00:10:44,966 --> 00:10:47,377 Paging a very smart 15-year-old boy 214 00:10:47,416 --> 00:10:49,288 named Barack Obama. 215 00:10:49,305 --> 00:10:50,565 That is all. 216 00:10:50,759 --> 00:10:53,070 Any comment on the current hot dog crisis? 217 00:10:53,108 --> 00:10:55,750 As a matter of fact, I do, man. My father was a hot dog. 218 00:10:55,769 --> 00:10:56,832 He got murdered.