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Sync & corrected by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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Welcome.
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If you'll lend me your patience
for a spell,
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I'd like to tell you about a little place
called Childrens Hospital.
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It's a whole day's ride from the
big city,
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and things move a little slower here.
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Now, this is the main
nurse's station.
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It's not much to see, really.
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There's a few phones, uh,
some patients' files,
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some scattered medicines,
a few pads of post-it notes,
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a vinyl copy of Rolling Stones'
"Tattoo You."
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Some pencils, a cup or two to
hold said pencils,
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hair clips, some old get-well balloons,
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a magazine that's been thumbed through
more times than my cousin Samantha.
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It must be time to
start a new day.
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Oh, lookee here.
It's the Chief.
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I'd like to say that she runs
this place with an iron fist,
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but, truth to be told,
her fists are weak and useless,
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just like the rest of her body.
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She appears confident,
but inside she longs to be able to dance.
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Ow!
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- Morning, Dr. Richie.
- Morning, ma'am.
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Those new tongue
depressors come in yet?
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Not yet, Chief.
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Sy's picking them up this morning.
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That's Dr. Glenn Richie.
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He's always telling it like it is
with his trademark sense of humor.
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Oh, and he's a Jew.
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Oh, Dr. Valerie Flame.
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Now, normally, if you're in bed
and something's on fire,
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you're gonna want to put that fire out.
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But in the case of Dr.
Valerie Flame, this is one
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fire you don't want to put out.
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You want to have sex with it.
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But what you might not know about
Valerie if you didn't know
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her very well is
that she has a dick.
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That's hospital
administrator Sy Mittleman.
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He's five years past retirement.
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He should have left years ago.
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I'm back from the
medical warehouse.
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100 jars and one tongue depressor.
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Am I right?
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No, Sy. The other way 'round.
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Oh, I'm sure it was my fault, Sy.
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I probably mixed things
up on the order forms.
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Sorry, everyone.
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Poor Cat.
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She's covered for Sy so often,
she should be the lead singer
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in a Sy cover band.
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And here are the young lovers,
Owen and Lola.
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Now, Lola is the prettiest
flower you ever had the pleasure
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to stick your nose
all up inside of.
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Owen -- Well, Owen is known far
and wide for his bedside manner.
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They're planning a June wedding,
right here at Childrens.
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Now you've met all the most important people
in our little hospital--
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Nobody else worth mentioning.
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Um...
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Uh, Blake Downs --
clown doctor, et cetera.
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Oh, who's that over there?
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Hey, hey, hey!
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Can I help you?
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I'm looking for a Dr. Owen Maestro.
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- Well, who's asking?
- Name's Murphy.
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I represent the largest healthcare facility
in the big city: Laser Hospital.
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Well, good for you, Mr. Murphy.
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I have the largest
elbows in my family.
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That and a bus ticket
takes me downtown.
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Elbows.
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Doctor, if I could just have
five minutes of your time.
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We saw the news reports about
the emergency liver transplants
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you did at the dance marathon.
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I'll cut to the quick.
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We want you to come work for us.
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We have a sports gym on site
with power spinning, a food court,
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and we will give you
your own Corolla.
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Sounds like a blast, Mr. Murphy,
but I'm not interested.
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Our softball team is 10-0.
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I lost both shoulders in the war.
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We'll pay you 5% more
than you're making right now.
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How many percents
was that again?
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If you're having trouble with your internship,
you come to me.
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I'll be there for you.
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My name is Earl Sweatshirt.
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Oh, Sy!
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What a joker.
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Why, writing all that gibberish
up there as a joke to break
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the ice among the interns.
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Oh, it's classic Sy.
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Y'all run along now, okay?
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Shoo!
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Go on!
Git!
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Sy, I can't keep covering for you.
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I'm going home now.
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I'm gonna be better tomorrow.
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Bye-bye.
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This can't go on, Cat.
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I've spoken to the board, and they've
given us the authority to shoot Sy.
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What?!
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Sorry --
I mean force him to retire.
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But we're all he has!
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Oh, Chief, give him a chance!
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Okay. But if he screws up again,
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we are shooting him or forcing him to retire--
Whichever one it was we landed on. I forgot.
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Everyone!
Everyone!
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Gather around, please.
I have an announcement to make.
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I've decided to take a
job at Laser Hospital.
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Now, now.
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Before you start getting all mushy on me,
it's just time for me
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to start mixing with
higher-level persons.
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- Oh!
- Lola, wait!
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So, you're leaving,
just like that?!
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What about our wedding?
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Lola, you're a wonderful girl,
and although you have many,
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many faults, I'm quite sure
you can hook in a new man
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before he discovers them.
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Oh, no man will want me now!
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I'm used up! I'm damaged goods!
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Oh, there, there.
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Someone might.
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Maybe there's a fetish for that.
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Oh!
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Goodbye, Lola.
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And goodbye, Childrens Hospital.
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Now, Laser Hospital is a
50-story tower in the center
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of the big city with all the latest
technologies like bone rotation
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and dick belt replacements.
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You're seven seconds late,
Dr. Maestro.
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Well, I'm awful sorry about that, sir,
but there was an accident
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on the freeway, and, luckily,
I was there to save a young girl's life.
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Well, regardless, as per hospital policy,
you get a punch in the gut.
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- Oof!
- Now, here's your I.D. card.
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Swipe it every morning when you
get to work and then every hour
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upon the hour throughout the day and
then again in the middle of the night.
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Well, I'm off to sample
some sample drugs.
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Hey, Maestro, what say you and me
grab a drink later, all right, loser?
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It's the fruit punch
social tonight.
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Time to get ready so we
can meet us some gents.
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I'm gonna wear the shortest
skirt my mom will allow.
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Well, I can't.
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I have to go through all of Sy's
budgets and erase all the poop stains.
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And my days of romance are long gone.
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I'll just sit here and darn some of
these old socks, try to masturbate.
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Meanwhile, in the big city,
Owen hits the town with his new friends.
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Hey, this pan-galactic gargle blaster
will keep you going all night!
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Let's go!
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Hey, Maestro!
Come join us!
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You know what I wish for?
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I wish that wherever Owen is,
he's happy.
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I wish that Lola finds true love again,
that Sy regains his sanity,
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and that Cat finally finds peace.
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And as for me, well...
I have a wish.
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But my wish is only a fantasy.
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Does this thing come off? I like it.
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Yeah, get that off.
Ooh, that's better.
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That would be rad.
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You have to eat
some real food, Sy.
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Now, toothpaste and
darts is not a meal.
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We need to end
this once and for all.
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Sy, your days at Childrens
Hospital are over. Go home!
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Oh. Okay.
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But first could you show me to
Liz Taylor's dressing room?
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I'd like to smooch her up goodbye.
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Va-va-voom.
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Oh, Sy.
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- Meanwhile, over at Laser Hospital...
- Here you go, kid.
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Have a lollipop --
best medicine I know.
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You know what?
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I'm starting to feel better already.
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Dr. Maestro!
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We treat kids with medicine here.
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Save the bedside manner
for the prostitutes,
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which the hospital does provide to you at
a discount if you do meet your revenue quotas.
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Are we clear?
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- Well --
- Fine! Good to hear it.
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And just to make sure that you know that
I'm serious, I'm gonna punch you in the gut.
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Oof!
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Time passed --
Three long days, to be exact.
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Two days is nothing, but three?
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Well, that changes a body.
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I wonder how Sy is doing
ever since he was forced
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to retire those many
three days ago.
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I wonder where he is right... now!
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Oh, my God! It's Sy!
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Oh, what's a-matter, you?
Ah, shut up your face!
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Sy is sick with something.
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I think it's more like a textbook case
of not being needed.
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Poor Sy.
Maybe we shouldn't have shot him.
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Well, what a shame.
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Maybe what old Sy needs is some
of my healing bedside manner.
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Owen! You're back!
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What's your name, sir?
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Tobey Maguire.
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How about a lollipop, Tobey?
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Who's Tobey?
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Hey, wait a minute!
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What's going on? Where am I?
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The old Sy! Oh, he's cured!
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00:10:00,972 --> 00:10:03,515
You know, I learned something
when I was at Laser Hospital.
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00:10:03,635 --> 00:10:07,620
It's not about how many fancy
machines you have in your exam room or
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00:10:07,740 --> 00:10:10,187
who made the suit
you're wearing -- Armani.
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But enough of my babbling on.
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We've got a wedding to plan.
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Mazel tov! Mazel tov!
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And that's it.
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They were married that night with
a clearheaded Sy officiating.
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And Chief never did end up fulfilling
her dream of a three-way with
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00:10:33,137 --> 00:10:36,789
those two bisexual dancers,
but maybe one day she will.
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That was a great story,
Grandpa Owen.
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Wait.
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00:10:40,845 --> 00:10:42,077
Owen?
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Were you that young groom,
Grandpa?
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00:10:44,184 --> 00:10:47,376
No, no, no.
I was one of the black bisexual dancers.
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Oh, okay.
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Wow. So many questions.
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00:10:50,671 --> 00:10:54,051
Well, like I said, sweetie,
that's a story for a different time.
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00:10:56,643 --> 00:11:06,697
Sync & corrected by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com