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Previously on Childrens Hospital...
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Excuse me?
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Oh, my God.
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I'm afraid I have some bad news.
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I'm afraid I have some bad news.
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Wow, so many questions.
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Sync by honeybunny
Corrected by icephoenix
www.addic7ed.com
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Attention, hospital staff:
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Backwards day does not
apply to appendectomies.
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What do we got?
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Oh. Newborn.
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Has a wound that won't heal --
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left side above the first rib.
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Owen?
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What are you doing here?
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I work here, Kelly.
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What are you doing here?
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God, not the whole
"I'm a doctor" routine again.
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You're just not smart enough to
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be a doctor.
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I am a doctor, okay?
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And I said I would fix our
baby's wounds at home.
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I'm sorry, did you just say
"our baby"?
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Everyone, this is my secret wife,
Kelly.
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We've been married two years,
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and she doesn't believe
I'm a doctor.
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You mean a veterinarian or a
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massage therapist, right?
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Those aren't doctors, honey.
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Let's not do this in front
of my friends, honey.
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Oh, wow!
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Owen has a secret wife and baby?
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How do we not know this?
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I guess it's true what they say:
"Can't live with them,"
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"can't tell anyone about them."
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Okay.
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That -- that's pretty funny,
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Chet, but, uh, why don't you
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leave the joking around
to the professionals?
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Clowns.
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Me, to be specific.
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I should have brought her in
a lot sooner, but I just couldn't.
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Because retarded people
can't be doctors!
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How long has this been going on?
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It came out of nowhere
right after she was born.
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It's been getting bigger every day.
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You've been getting
bigger every day.
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I mean, aren't you supposed to
lose weight after you give birth?
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- I eat very healthily.
- She's a vegetarian.
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- Meat is murder.
- Beef: it's what's for dinner.
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- Animals are not ours to eat.
- Eat meat, repeat.
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God only created a few
perfect heads.
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The rest he covered with hair.
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That's how it's done, paramedic.
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Boom!
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Kulap, round up my team.
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Meet me in the conference room.
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I'm gonna prove to you that
I'm a doctor.
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Oh, kulap!
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Hey, I know it's last minute,
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but I need a date to a wedding
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this weekend because the person
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I thought I was going with can't
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make it all of a sudden,
because he has a secret wife.
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But, Chief, you know
I'm not a lesbian, right?
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Oh, yeah. Me either.
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- No, it's just a friends thing.
- But we're not friends.
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- Hey, Chief!
- Aah!
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Chet!
Oh, you scared me!
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You know, I couldn't help but
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overhear what you were saying as
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I was crouching creepily
behind this cart,
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and I'd like to take this
opportunity to invite myself
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to the wedding you're going to.
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- Oh, I don't --
- Now, you can't say "no"
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because I know you've
asked everybody,
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and you're in a real jam
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and you're afraid of offending me...
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And I might also be dangerous.
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Ha-eugh!
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Thanks so much for
giving me this scan, Cat.
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This headache just won't go away.
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Are you experiencing
any other symptoms?
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Is this something?
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Hmm. Let me see.
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Hmm.
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Could be, but let me go check
the results of this scan by Cat,
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and you know what?
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Yeah, keep an eye on that.
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- Keep an eye on it.
- Good.
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Okay.
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I got you.
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All right, team, I've asked
you all to join me here to
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help me prove to my a-hole wife
that I am a real doctor and,
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by extension, save the life of my
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newborn daughter,
blah, blah, blah.
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Go!
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Could be Bodow Syndrome.
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Bodow Syndrome: The
mysterious condition of having a
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wound that won't heal --
That's a possibility.
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Blake, would you like to join
this discussion, or are you just
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gonna sit there and try to think
up jokes because you heard
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a paramedic make one
and you're jealous?
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Um...
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What do you call a wound on a
cow that won't heal?
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- I don't know.
- A moo-o-o-o-o-nd.
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Hit me.
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This headache just won't go away.
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Just keep an eye on it.
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Scan by Cat.
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Waiting for something?
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Um...
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Yeah, I'm actually waiting for
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the results of my Cat scan to
see if I have a brain tumor.
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That's hilarious.
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- What?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
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I meant to say,
"That's a coincidence."
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- My name is Death.
- Death?
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Oh, crap!
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You're married?!
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I had to keep it a secret.
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I did it for you.
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Now you know why
I can't go to that wedding.
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Why didn't you tell me?!
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Why?! You ruined my life!
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I gave you everything,
you animal!
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Stop it! Stop it!
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Why didn't you --
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Oh, you know I can't
stay mad at you, baby.
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I can't fight the power of that
pale, pale, hairless, albino skin.
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Oh, but, baby, now I'm stuck
going to the wedding with Chet.
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Chet.
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- Okay, listen to me.
- What?
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- You get rid of Chet.
- Okay.
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I'll think of something to tell Kelly,
and we are going to this special...
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Special wedding together.
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Okay.
Bye, baby.
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- Aah!
- Aah!
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Oh! Oh, my goodness!
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Oh! I am so sorry.
I didn't mean to scare you.
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Really?!
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I just wanted to come in here and...
take a look at those eyes...
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That's okay.
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So I can match my
rose corsage to them.
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Diarrhea brown.
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Diarrhea brown.
So perfect, just like you.
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Yeah, baby, what you need?
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Wha?!
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I'm gonna go get a tattoo, okay?
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Ecstasy? Oh, whatever.
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Owen, you've been trying
to get out of going to
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this soccer recital for weeks now.
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We are on the committee for
carrying the water coolers.
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What's really going on?
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I'm a board-certified
pediatric surgeon.
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You mean a supermarket bagger?
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I have to work,
and that's the end of it.
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Wait a second.
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- Are you having an affair?
- What?
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"Also ecstasy"?
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Ooh, ooh!
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Ooh, ooh!
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Ooh, ooh!
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Ooh, ooh!
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Ooh, ooh!
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Ooh, ooh!
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So, if I win, my tumor
goes away and I get to live?
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00:07:15,935 --> 00:07:18,869
Right.
And if I win, you come with me.
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I haven't even lived.
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I mean, I haven't done
anything on my bucket list.
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What do you wish you had done that
you never thought you had time for?
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I'd probably go to Dubai or Branson.
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I hear Yakov Smirnoff has
five new jokes.
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Did a toxicology scan on the infant.
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Haven't seen a wound that dirty
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since I delivered that
homeless woman's baby.
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Ho! Going blue here, people.
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Try and keep up.
We don't have much time.
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If gangrene sets in,
we're too late.
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Gangrene?
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Better than Gang Mexican.
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Is that racist?
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00:07:42,762 --> 00:07:43,594
Tell me the truth.
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00:07:43,596 --> 00:07:45,796
We need to start the baby
on an I.V. right away.
185
00:07:45,798 --> 00:07:47,732
Kelly's been sedated,
so she can't breast-feed.
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00:07:47,734 --> 00:07:48,466
Sedated?
187
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Well, let's all breast-feed.
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Would that be rape?
189
00:07:51,521 --> 00:07:52,286
Seriously, tell me.
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I don't know.
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00:07:52,922 --> 00:07:56,570
Blake, do you have anything
significant to add here?!
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00:07:56,690 --> 00:07:58,526
Hey, I'm working out
some material, man.
193
00:07:58,528 --> 00:07:59,460
What's eating you?
194
00:08:01,764 --> 00:08:02,964
What did you just say?
195
00:08:02,966 --> 00:08:05,800
- What's eating you?
- Say that again.
196
00:08:05,802 --> 00:08:07,668
- What's eating you?
- One more time, please?
197
00:08:07,670 --> 00:08:09,503
- What's eating you?
- Like Ronald Reagan.
198
00:08:09,505 --> 00:08:11,339
Well, what's eating you?
199
00:08:11,341 --> 00:08:12,640
Like a question on "Jeopardy!"
200
00:08:12,642 --> 00:08:14,408
What is "What's eating you?"
201
00:08:14,410 --> 00:08:17,529
- In a racist Chinese accent.
- Oh, what's a-eating a-you?!
202
00:08:17,649 --> 00:08:19,647
- Like a sexy young schoolgirl.
- What's eating you?
203
00:08:19,649 --> 00:08:23,091
- One more time, regular.
- What's eating you?
204
00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:25,386
What's up with him?
205
00:08:25,388 --> 00:08:26,287
That's odd.
206
00:08:26,289 --> 00:08:29,123
The wound has shrunken significantly
since the mother was sedated.
207
00:08:29,125 --> 00:08:30,825
Is it connected?
208
00:08:30,827 --> 00:08:32,126
Maybe she's a witch.
209
00:08:32,128 --> 00:08:33,494
Very close.
210
00:08:33,496 --> 00:08:38,399
Switch the "w" for a "b" and
add "class 'a' murdering" to it.
211
00:08:39,502 --> 00:08:42,169
Yup. Baby breath.
212
00:08:42,171 --> 00:08:44,105
My wife has been eating our child.
213
00:08:44,107 --> 00:08:46,374
Classic Munchausen-by-Proxy Syndrome.
214
00:08:46,376 --> 00:08:49,610
Uh, more like Munch-by-Proxy Syndrome.
215
00:08:51,447 --> 00:08:52,980
Seriously, how's that not funny?!
216
00:08:52,982 --> 00:08:55,516
A mother suffering from
acute postpartum depression
217
00:08:55,518 --> 00:08:56,784
will cause an illness in a child in
218
00:08:56,786 --> 00:09:00,021
order to gain back some of the
attention that she lost to the newborn.
219
00:09:00,023 --> 00:09:02,323
In this case, she was eating our baby.
220
00:09:02,325 --> 00:09:04,825
Very typical in about 0% of such cases.
221
00:09:04,827 --> 00:09:07,395
Treat it for tetanus and
redress the wound.
222
00:09:07,397 --> 00:09:09,697
Please call the police and a
good divorce lawyer.
223
00:09:09,699 --> 00:09:10,331
Which one?
224
00:09:10,333 --> 00:09:11,999
Let's go with Andy this time.
225
00:09:12,001 --> 00:09:14,969
- Andy?
- The Jewish one?
226
00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:21,142
- You move first.
- Okay.
227
00:09:21,144 --> 00:09:22,410
Pawn to King four.
228
00:09:22,412 --> 00:09:25,546
Interesting.
229
00:09:25,548 --> 00:09:28,049
You know, you're very attractive
for a life-haver.
230
00:09:28,051 --> 00:09:28,983
Hm.
231
00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:31,752
Bishop to Queen's
Bishop four.
232
00:09:31,754 --> 00:09:33,587
Adorable.
233
00:09:33,589 --> 00:09:38,626
Perhaps when I beat you,
we might work out another,
234
00:09:38,628 --> 00:09:40,761
more sex-filled arrangement.
235
00:09:40,763 --> 00:09:44,932
- Checkmate.
- What the hell?!
236
00:09:44,934 --> 00:09:47,968
I can't believe you fell for
the four-move checkmate.
237
00:09:47,970 --> 00:09:49,337
Four-move checkmate?!
238
00:09:49,339 --> 00:09:49,804
Oh, man!
239
00:09:49,806 --> 00:09:52,039
I thought you played
this game a lot.
240
00:09:52,041 --> 00:09:55,910
I literally have played chess with
everyone that's ever died for millennia!
241
00:09:55,912 --> 00:09:57,345
So I get to live?
242
00:09:57,347 --> 00:09:58,679
I need some coffee.
243
00:09:58,681 --> 00:10:00,314
Val!
244
00:10:00,316 --> 00:10:02,717
The results of your "me" scan are in.
245
00:10:02,719 --> 00:10:05,219
- You're all clear.
- I know!
246
00:10:05,221 --> 00:10:09,290
- How?
- A friend told me.
247
00:10:09,292 --> 00:10:10,725
He was sitting right there.
248
00:10:10,727 --> 00:10:11,992
I'm over here.
249
00:10:11,994 --> 00:10:15,062
- Sorry. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.
250
00:10:15,064 --> 00:10:16,397
So, listen.
251
00:10:16,399 --> 00:10:18,366
Have you seen my also ecstasy?
252
00:10:18,368 --> 00:10:19,834
- Hey.
- Oh, hey.
253
00:10:19,836 --> 00:10:22,036
So it looks like I won't have
any time to go to
254
00:10:22,038 --> 00:10:24,071
that wedding now that I'm
a single parent and all.
255
00:10:24,073 --> 00:10:26,941
This is just one of those
classic scheduling snafus.
256
00:10:26,943 --> 00:10:28,609
Wait, what wedding?
257
00:10:28,611 --> 00:10:29,210
Oh, right.
258
00:10:29,212 --> 00:10:30,544
Oh, I'm not going to that.
259
00:10:30,546 --> 00:10:31,078
Unh-unh.
260
00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:32,546
No, I barely know those people.
261
00:10:32,548 --> 00:10:33,381
Good to see you!
262
00:10:33,383 --> 00:10:34,749
Yeah, I'll see you.
263
00:10:34,751 --> 00:10:38,386
Well...
I guess all's well that ends well.
264
00:10:40,757 --> 00:10:41,522
No, no, no, no.
265
00:10:41,524 --> 00:10:43,624
I didn't --
I didn't mean that as a joke.
266
00:10:43,626 --> 00:10:46,694
I just meant that as a general
comment to wrap things up.
267
00:10:46,696 --> 00:10:49,797
Wait, how was that funny?
268
00:10:50,833 --> 00:10:52,767
Look, I don't have time for this,
okay?
269
00:10:52,769 --> 00:10:54,650
I have a pharyngectomy in ten minutes.
270
00:10:55,481 --> 00:10:57,504
You think that a pharyngectomy is funny?
271
00:10:57,624 --> 00:11:00,731
I have to remove a person's entire throat.
272
00:11:01,053 --> 00:11:02,679
Due to cancer.
273
00:11:03,014 --> 00:11:04,429
And she's a little girl.
274
00:11:05,514 --> 00:11:07,338
I'm removing a little girl's throat
275
00:11:07,458 --> 00:11:09,744
because it is ravaged with cancer.
276
00:11:10,699 --> 00:11:12,449
Wow, I need to write this stuff down.
277
00:11:12,875 --> 00:11:14,873
Attention, hospital staff.
278
00:11:14,993 --> 00:11:17,727
I'd like some feedback on my voice over
demo reel.
279
00:11:17,847 --> 00:11:19,291
Here's a sample.
280
00:11:19,626 --> 00:11:22,021
Attensyion, staff...
281
00:11:22,658 --> 00:11:28,056
Sync by honeybunny
Corrected by icephoenix
www.addic7ed.com