Previously on Childrens Hospital...
- Blake! - Blake?
No, no, I'm not Blake. I'm his brother Sir Tinkle Button.
You're a sellout! You're a Ronald McDonald...
- Paint job! - Hey!
I don't like the "P" word.
Sync, corrected by icephoenix www.addic7ed.com
- Is this your card? - No.
I know. I know it's not.
Can I have your attention, please?
I have got great news for you.
All of you are gonna make twice as much money as you did last week.
Yeah!
Because you all get to work the night shift.
What?!
You have to work the night shift
because we had to fire the night-shift staff.
We caught them betting on a patient death pool.
Wish you'd die in a pool.
This is a thing
you need to prepare for if you're going to work...
Night shift.
Oh, this is perfect timing.
Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Veelam Geza.
He is the night-shift supervisor.
He's gonna show you the ropes.
It is my pleasures to look at your faces and make your hands shake.
What before my wondering eyes do appear?
Are you a little brown like me?
Um, my mother's father is a quarter Armenian,
so he's a little brown.
Well, then I would gamble a farm that your swarthy grandpapa
had beautiful eyes and full breasts, too.
Yes.
Well, then, come with me...
And let me introduce you all to the night...
Shift.
- Nurse, more I.V. -- Stat. - More I.V. Coming up.
But where do you want me to stick the I.V., doctor?
We don't schedule operations at night.
What is this?
- What's wrong with me, Dr. Filth? - Dr. Filth?
You have H.B.S.: Hot Boobs Syndrome.
I'm gonna need to take your temperature with my man-ometer.
Look how many C.C.s that man-ometer is.
Where are you gonna stick that thing? Here?
Here? Or in between these?
You see, this is a rectal man-ometer, so...
Oh! Oh, yeah!
- Oh! Oh, yeah! - Oh, my God!
- Are you nuts? Hold it! - Whoa! Cut!
Cut!
- What is your problem, man?! - I said you could use the supply closet.
I said you could use the morgue. I didn't say anything about the O.R.
Yeah, and I told you we shoot where we want, or you don't get paid.
Make sure my stupid brother doesn't find out about this, either, okay?
Your brother is Blake, right?
Yeah.
I just sense something --
A presence I haven't smelled in a long, long time.
What you are seeing with your eyes' balls is humanity's dregs.
I can't believe I have to say this, sir,
but you can't shoot your son with a crossbow.
Well, tell him to stop eating my candy.
It reminds me of the war in my home country.
You ever see anyone get killed?
Only the whole entirety of my family's people.
I was in the hospital, saving lives for babies,
when I heard the shots.
The rebels had come down from the hills.
By the time I had run with my foots and toes home,
the rebels had killed with guns and swords
my children and parents and even my wife.
So what did you do?
Using my bare hands covered only in skin,
I dug holes and put my family's body insides of them.
Oh, my God.
I pour premium unleaded gasoline on top
and let the flames lick my face like puppies dog.
This just got super-dark.
For ten days, I went into state of blackout rage and
became killing machine like "Rambo" or "Rambo 2."
I am wet.
Now I will show you the night nursery.
Because I love-a da babies!
Hey, there, crying lady.
You're super-sexy and full of self-loathing: A killer combo.
How about I make you a thousandaire?
I knew it.
I thought I smelled chardonnay, sweat, and menthol cigarettes.
What's that smell? I think it's arrogance mixed with sarcasm.
If only I could bottle it.
Well, then, by your logic, it smells sweet.
Okay, so why would I make it, if no one wants to buy...
- Yeah. - Fine.
You've bested me at wordplay.
But there's one thing you can't beat me at:
Making money off of things that you don't approve of.
I'm shooting a porno in your hospital.
What are you up to, Tinkle Button?
I just -- I just told you. I'm shooting a porno in the hospital.
Mm.
I'll figure it out.
It's only 11:30? I'm so ti-ti.
I am not.
I'm always on Eastern European time.
Hoo! I am full-moon horny tonight!
Hey.
- Is this your card? - No.
No, it's not.
- Hey. - What?
I know just what we need to make it through the night shift.
All right, you screw-heads! That's a wrap!
Et tu, Brute?
That means "And you?"
Blake, I'm just raising money for the hospital.
Out! I'm ashamed of you!
Get out of here!
All of you!
- Take five. - Doctors wear shirts!
And you --
Joanna!
Hey, it's Blake.
Yeah, my Nana volunteers with your grandma at the library on Saturdays.
- Oh. - Yeah, yeah!
So, what are you doing at a porn shoot?
Oh, um... I forget.
- A D.P. - A D.P., huh?
That sounds crazy.
Do you need a swimsuit for a D.P.?
- It's double [Bleep] - What?!
Hi. I'm sorry our movie made you cry.
It's okay. Come here.
It's okay. It's okay. Shh. Let the poison out.
The kid in room 4 is crashing!
Dr. Spratt, nurse, grab the kid and meet me there.
I'm on it!
Nurse, hurry up!
Diet pills?
I knew you were fat.
These are speed, you dumbass.
Give me some of these.
Hey, maybe I'll finally start writing that novel tonight.
I'm gonna punch a kid's appendix right out of his body!
- Let's roll! - Aaah!!
The sun is dead!
Long live the night team!
Hyah!
It's bad enough that you've defiled this hospital,
but somehow, you've roped in my Nana's best friend's granddaughter!
I also happen to be a famous porn star.
You are such a clown.
You better mean clown in the sense that we are both
clowns with the makeup and so forth!
No. I meant it in the idiomatic sense:
That you're foolish, a hapless, silly individual.
You clown of a bitch!
We're losing him, Dr. Spratt!
- Nurse, give this child C.P.R.! - What?
- Hurry up! - But I'm not --
Do it! Hurry, nurse!
Clear!
Doing good. Flawless technique, nurse.
You could take a lesson, Dr. Spratt.
Oh!
Your face is like that of my deads wife's face.
That's weird... And sexy.
I want you to get me mouth-pregnant.
Oh, yeah, cup the balls!
Whoo!
This is the most fun I've ever had!
Superfun!
- Take two. - Two more?
- Hit me in the face. - Feel your hair!
♪ Superfun! ♪
♪ Super-confident! ♪
♪ Super-confident! Superfu-- ♪
Owen, wake up!
Owen!
- You're hitting yourself! - I'm not hitting myself!
You know I hate little smacks!
Aah! Aah!
Oh, yeah!
Owen's having a heart attack!
- Come on! Let's move! - Come on!
There's your nipple!
We're coming, Owen!
No, no, no, not today. Not today.
- Clear. - Don't touch him!
- Oh. - Oh, the shock killed her.
- He's dead. - What?
- Oh, my God. - No.
Oh, my God! Owen's de-a-a-a-a-a-ad!
♪ It's the thrill ride. ♪
♪ It's a little like a sky dive. ♪
♪ Come alive with you. ♪
♪ It's the spotlight. ♪
♪ It's the magic in the first bite. ♪
♪ If you only knew... ♪
♪ The way you swoop into ♪
♪ every little move. ♪
♪ Come alive with you. ♪
♪ Come a-- ♪
Delivery for Dr. Valerie Flame.
That's me.
Ha ha! Smoke!
But, Owen, how?
We're carrying your dead body.
Are you?
- Is that your card? - Yeah.
Oh, my God!
Unbelievable.
♪ Come alive with you. ♪
- So, you got a baby in there? - Supposedly.
You know, if you ever want to make some extra cash,
there's a lot of dough in preggo porn.
Give me 10 grand and I'll jerk off a horse.
All right. All right.
Attention, hospital staff:
Everyone who promised they were coming to my improv show last Friday
and didn't is a dick.