1 00:00:00,352 --> 00:00:02,548 Previously on Childrens Hospital... 2 00:00:03,147 --> 00:00:04,626 The test came back. 3 00:00:04,638 --> 00:00:06,153 It's endometrial cancer. 4 00:00:06,180 --> 00:00:09,047 You have two or three weeks, tops. 5 00:00:09,049 --> 00:00:10,615 How about now? 6 00:00:12,786 --> 00:00:14,119 All right, six weeks. 7 00:00:14,121 --> 00:00:15,854 The tests don't lie. 8 00:00:15,856 --> 00:00:18,924 Unless, of course, it's a lie-detector test that's malfunctioning. 9 00:00:18,926 --> 00:00:21,393 Then that would be a textbook example of a test lying. 10 00:00:21,395 --> 00:00:24,262 But it's not, and your son is terminal. 11 00:00:24,264 --> 00:00:28,300 Mmm! I finally get a chance to sit down and eat my sandwich. 12 00:00:29,088 --> 00:00:32,963 Sync, corrected by icephoenix www.addic7ed.com 13 00:00:32,987 --> 00:00:34,407 Mm, that was good. 14 00:00:34,425 --> 00:00:36,139 Attention hospital staff: 15 00:00:36,151 --> 00:00:39,098 My wife is so fat! 16 00:00:39,115 --> 00:00:41,710 Please direct any follow-up questions to Human Resources. 17 00:00:41,727 --> 00:00:44,322 So what happened here while I wasn't drinking in the bathroom? 18 00:00:44,339 --> 00:00:47,779 About two dozen kids got some bad salmon at the Spiegelman Bar Mitzvah. 19 00:00:47,797 --> 00:00:50,016 Throwing up everywhere. It's been a real bummer for me. 20 00:00:50,033 --> 00:00:51,712 Hey, Blake, can you give me a hand? 21 00:00:51,729 --> 00:00:53,291 Oh, sorry, pass. 22 00:00:53,303 --> 00:00:55,134 You know how some people puke at the sight of blood? 23 00:00:55,146 --> 00:00:57,177 - I'm like that, but with puke. - Isn't everyone? 24 00:00:57,194 --> 00:00:59,390 I mean, bile triggers a natural gag reflex. 25 00:00:59,407 --> 00:01:02,014 Yeah, I guess you're right, Valerie. I'm not special. 26 00:01:02,037 --> 00:01:05,630 Besides, it's my day off. Just came by to get my buds. 27 00:01:06,487 --> 00:01:10,802 Well, there's only one man who can handle a situation this Jewish. 28 00:01:12,621 --> 00:01:14,500 Being a Jew is fantastic. 29 00:01:14,524 --> 00:01:16,933 We have big hands, we kick ass at math, 30 00:01:16,957 --> 00:01:18,983 and we can lift three times our body weight. 31 00:01:19,007 --> 00:01:22,554 Every Jewish boy dreams of becoming an older Jewish man. 32 00:01:22,556 --> 00:01:25,857 But it isn't always as easy as you might think. 33 00:01:25,859 --> 00:01:28,126 Nice game, gentlemen. Nice game. 34 00:01:28,128 --> 00:01:31,196 - Hi, sweetie. - Hey, babe. 35 00:01:31,198 --> 00:01:34,533 Listen, the E.R.'s full of Jewish kids with "both ends" diarrhea. 36 00:01:34,535 --> 00:01:35,167 Oi. 37 00:01:35,169 --> 00:01:37,369 Should be a coffee-cakewalk for you, though, 38 00:01:37,371 --> 00:01:40,305 'cause you're the only doctor here who's had a Bar Mitzvah. 39 00:01:40,307 --> 00:01:43,375 - You got the wrong guy. - But, Glenn, we need you. 40 00:01:43,377 --> 00:01:44,376 I can't do it. 41 00:01:44,378 --> 00:01:46,111 Black guys, best two out of three. 42 00:01:46,113 --> 00:01:49,080 Glenn, as my boyfriend, you owe me an explanation. 43 00:01:49,082 --> 00:01:51,483 I've never been Bar Mitzvah-ed. Do you get it? 44 00:01:51,485 --> 00:01:52,384 Do you get it now? 45 00:01:52,386 --> 00:01:54,152 So what? I mean, who cares? 46 00:01:54,154 --> 00:01:56,755 A Bar Mitzvah is the passage to manhood. 47 00:01:56,757 --> 00:01:59,824 I remember it like it was yesterday. 48 00:01:59,826 --> 00:02:04,329 I was a thirteen-year old boy, a few weeks away from the big day... 49 00:02:04,331 --> 00:02:06,464 And then my parents got divorced, and they canceled my Bar Mitzvah, 50 00:02:06,466 --> 00:02:08,200 and that was pretty much it. 51 00:02:08,202 --> 00:02:11,536 So according to Hebrew law, I'm -- I'm still twelve years old. 52 00:02:11,538 --> 00:02:13,538 But don't tell my pubes that. 53 00:02:13,540 --> 00:02:14,839 I won't, Glenn. 54 00:02:14,841 --> 00:02:15,840 - I won't. - Okay. 55 00:02:15,842 --> 00:02:17,976 You know what? It's never too late. 56 00:02:17,978 --> 00:02:21,279 I'm gonna throw you the biggest, the bestest Bar Mitzvah ever. 57 00:02:21,281 --> 00:02:22,991 You would do that for me? 58 00:02:23,014 --> 00:02:26,551 Attention, hospital staff: Yeah, I write these when I'm high. 59 00:02:26,553 --> 00:02:29,221 Guys, we have an announcement to make. 60 00:02:29,223 --> 00:02:31,523 I'm throwing Glenn an adult Bar Mitzvah tomorrow morning. 61 00:02:31,525 --> 00:02:33,024 And you're all invited! 62 00:02:33,026 --> 00:02:34,926 Oh! I call cantor! 63 00:02:34,928 --> 00:02:39,464 I called it first because I am the Michael Jackson's father of cantoring. 64 00:02:39,466 --> 00:02:40,298 Let's go. 65 00:02:40,300 --> 00:02:43,802 ♪ Bara hood, bara hood, bara hood... ♪ 66 00:02:43,804 --> 00:02:45,904 What's all the excitement about? 67 00:02:45,906 --> 00:02:49,808 Bar Mitzvah or no-mitzvah, I ain't letting nobody cut off my foreskin. 68 00:02:49,810 --> 00:02:52,544 No, Owen, you're thinking of a bris. 69 00:02:52,546 --> 00:02:54,738 If a grown man was going to be circumcised, 70 00:02:54,750 --> 00:02:59,184 you had better believe that I would be bending over backwards, forwards, 71 00:02:59,186 --> 00:03:00,952 a little bit to the side, to stop him. 72 00:03:00,954 --> 00:03:02,120 - Mm-hmm. - Right? 73 00:03:02,122 --> 00:03:03,154 Why to stop him? 74 00:03:03,156 --> 00:03:05,657 What's wrong with being circumcised? I'm circumcised. 75 00:03:05,659 --> 00:03:08,660 Most women prefer an untouched foreskin. 76 00:03:08,662 --> 00:03:11,796 - It's just way more masculine. - And more sexy. 77 00:03:11,798 --> 00:03:14,232 Rarr! 78 00:03:19,106 --> 00:03:21,606 I'm sorry your Bar Mitzvah after party was ruined. 79 00:03:21,608 --> 00:03:24,643 Oh, it's nothing. I'm used to vomit. 80 00:03:24,645 --> 00:03:26,578 I'm a complete hypochondriac, 81 00:03:26,580 --> 00:03:29,180 but, you know, with actual illnesses. 82 00:03:29,182 --> 00:03:31,182 Well, at least you had a ceremony. 83 00:03:31,184 --> 00:03:33,518 Any advice for an up-and-coming adult? 84 00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:37,555 Let's just say you should, uh, cross-check your caterer references. 85 00:03:37,557 --> 00:03:38,590 Brilliant. 86 00:03:38,592 --> 00:03:40,592 - Hey. - Hey. 87 00:03:40,594 --> 00:03:44,496 Okay. So, I sent out invitations. I rented a sound system. 88 00:03:44,498 --> 00:03:46,865 - I e-mailed all of your aunts. - Oh, wonderful! 89 00:03:46,867 --> 00:03:50,135 - But I still haven't got a temple. - What? 90 00:03:50,137 --> 00:03:51,970 Apparently, this food-poisoning thing has taken out more than one Bar Mitzvah. 91 00:03:51,972 --> 00:03:53,371 - Oh! - Tell me about it. 92 00:03:53,373 --> 00:03:57,409 I didn't realize the ten plagues included cured fish. 93 00:03:57,411 --> 00:04:00,779 Hey, you are one special goyeh. 94 00:04:00,781 --> 00:04:03,682 Well, maybe when you're officially a man, 95 00:04:03,684 --> 00:04:07,919 we can put the "adult" back into "adult Bar Mitzvah." 96 00:04:08,755 --> 00:04:11,556 Shalom, doctors. 97 00:04:11,558 --> 00:04:14,492 What's going down in the world of young health? 98 00:04:14,494 --> 00:04:15,760 Jewy McJew-Jew! 99 00:04:15,762 --> 00:04:17,829 Glenn Richie, my old Hebrew school pal. 100 00:04:17,831 --> 00:04:20,932 - What is he doing here? - No, Glenn, please. 101 00:04:20,934 --> 00:04:24,936 He offered to help because he felt so bad about trying to steal me away from you last year. 102 00:04:24,938 --> 00:04:26,037 She's right, Glenn. 103 00:04:26,039 --> 00:04:27,988 For once, I'm not here to steal your woman. 104 00:04:28,012 --> 00:04:31,276 I'm here to ask you to forgive me by letting me help you. 105 00:04:31,278 --> 00:04:34,179 I want to put more effort into giving you a proper Bar Mitzvah 106 00:04:34,181 --> 00:04:37,482 than I ever did into stealing those girls from you over the years. 107 00:04:37,484 --> 00:04:40,852 Now, Valerie and I have to talk over the particulars of the ceremony. 108 00:04:40,854 --> 00:04:42,454 I'll come with you. 109 00:04:42,456 --> 00:04:44,189 - Coming with me... - Aah. 110 00:04:44,191 --> 00:04:46,191 Because you're gonna memorize your haftarah. 111 00:04:46,193 --> 00:04:48,526 It's not gonna memorize itself. 112 00:04:48,528 --> 00:04:51,296 Chief, I've been looking all over for you. 113 00:04:51,298 --> 00:04:54,232 Look, I need you to un-circumcise me, A.S.A.Penis. 114 00:04:54,234 --> 00:04:58,036 Owen, nobody hates a hoodless horseman more than me, 115 00:04:58,038 --> 00:05:01,339 but adding-back-foreskin surgery is incredibly dangerous. 116 00:05:01,341 --> 00:05:03,475 However, if it's that important to you... 117 00:05:03,477 --> 00:05:05,477 All right. Can we get started quickly? 118 00:05:05,479 --> 00:05:07,712 I want to be ready for Glenn's Bar Mitzvah tomorrow. 119 00:05:07,714 --> 00:05:10,181 I'm gonna need your original foreskin that was cut off 120 00:05:10,183 --> 00:05:11,416 of you when you were a baby. 121 00:05:11,418 --> 00:05:13,518 Sorry, but it's the only way. 122 00:05:21,271 --> 00:05:23,138 Now you. 123 00:05:24,799 --> 00:05:27,425 Sy, what's it like to be a man? 124 00:05:27,449 --> 00:05:29,339 Well, when you get older, you... 125 00:05:29,363 --> 00:05:31,563 You realize that life is not just about being cool. 126 00:05:31,587 --> 00:05:33,787 You throw away your dungarees. 127 00:05:33,806 --> 00:05:36,067 You look for a lighter-weight slack -- 128 00:05:36,091 --> 00:05:39,344 A nice twilled docker, for instance. 129 00:05:39,346 --> 00:05:40,912 Glenn, trust in Hashem. 130 00:05:40,914 --> 00:05:45,617 If you don't pay attention, you're gonna get the belt again. 131 00:05:45,619 --> 00:05:47,752 Back over here to the table. Come on. 132 00:05:47,754 --> 00:05:49,427 McJew-Jew! 133 00:05:52,522 --> 00:05:55,093 Valerie, how could you do this to me? 134 00:05:55,095 --> 00:05:58,229 And, McJew-Jew, I kind of trusted you. 135 00:05:58,231 --> 00:06:00,799 - Glenn? - Huh? 136 00:06:00,801 --> 00:06:04,602 - What are you doing? - Huh? 137 00:06:04,604 --> 00:06:07,439 But I... saw you both in the car. 138 00:06:07,441 --> 00:06:10,308 - What car? - What? 139 00:06:10,310 --> 00:06:14,345 - And where are your pants? - Huh? Oh. 140 00:06:14,347 --> 00:06:16,214 Oi, I've seen this before. 141 00:06:17,584 --> 00:06:19,551 Pre-mitzvah nerves. 142 00:06:19,553 --> 00:06:23,154 Glenn, come. We need to talk. 143 00:06:23,156 --> 00:06:24,255 Hey, guys. 144 00:06:24,257 --> 00:06:27,258 Forgot my ankle weights when I came back to get my buds, 145 00:06:27,260 --> 00:06:28,960 but I got them now. 146 00:06:28,962 --> 00:06:30,995 Hope you're having a great day. 147 00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:36,389 Hey, Dad. 148 00:06:36,412 --> 00:06:38,470 Owen, wow. 149 00:06:38,472 --> 00:06:39,804 To what do we owe this honor? 150 00:06:39,806 --> 00:06:42,240 Did you run out of sick children to "cure"? 151 00:06:42,242 --> 00:06:44,275 What is your problem with me saving lives? 152 00:06:44,277 --> 00:06:46,478 Well, I'm glad you're having fun, son. 153 00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:51,249 But, you know, the rest of us, we're mending pants and whatnot! 154 00:06:51,251 --> 00:06:52,650 What are you doing here, anyway? 155 00:06:52,652 --> 00:06:56,054 I want my foreskin back. 156 00:06:56,056 --> 00:06:58,289 What makes you think I got your wiener trimmings? 157 00:06:58,291 --> 00:07:00,124 Just thought it was worth a shot. 158 00:07:00,126 --> 00:07:01,659 Yeah. Well, it wasn't, was it? 159 00:07:01,661 --> 00:07:04,162 Why don't you just prance on back to your hospital, there? 160 00:07:04,164 --> 00:07:05,563 For the hundredth time, 161 00:07:05,565 --> 00:07:08,800 just because I work with children does not make me gay. 162 00:07:08,802 --> 00:07:10,602 I'm majorly into chicks. 163 00:07:10,604 --> 00:07:12,570 In fact, that's why I want my foreskin back. 164 00:07:12,572 --> 00:07:14,572 Well, I don't have it! 165 00:07:17,988 --> 00:07:20,442 Ching-chong with a ding-dong! 166 00:07:25,596 --> 00:07:27,933 Hey, Mom. I see you're still Chinese. 167 00:07:27,954 --> 00:07:29,921 I'll see you on China Day. 168 00:07:31,658 --> 00:07:33,591 I am so sorry, you two. 169 00:07:33,593 --> 00:07:36,828 I was just so nervous, and I let my old fears come back. 170 00:07:36,830 --> 00:07:38,663 Glenn, like it or not, 171 00:07:38,665 --> 00:07:41,533 you have my mind, my soul, and my body. 172 00:07:41,535 --> 00:07:43,268 I realize that now. Thank you. 173 00:07:43,270 --> 00:07:46,471 And I'm happy to put our past behind us, Glenn, 174 00:07:46,473 --> 00:07:48,039 and preside over your special day and, 175 00:07:48,041 --> 00:07:50,208 most of all, to truly be friends with you. 176 00:07:50,210 --> 00:07:53,611 and when you're up there on that bimah, I want you to wear this. 177 00:08:00,114 --> 00:08:03,484 The J.C. Penny suit you wore at your Bar Mitzvah? 178 00:08:03,507 --> 00:08:07,125 - I can't wear this. - You can, Glenn, and you will. 179 00:08:07,127 --> 00:08:08,092 Mazel tov. 180 00:08:08,094 --> 00:08:10,728 What more can a boy ask for? 181 00:08:10,730 --> 00:08:13,164 Such a day for nachas. 182 00:08:13,166 --> 00:08:16,100 And you don't even have to tie the tie. 183 00:08:16,102 --> 00:08:18,202 I have an idea. 184 00:08:18,204 --> 00:08:20,905 Let's have the Bar Mitzvah here. 185 00:08:20,907 --> 00:08:23,207 I mean, after all, Childrens Hospital is my real temple. 186 00:08:23,209 --> 00:08:26,711 Only, in this temple, kids die every day. 187 00:08:26,713 --> 00:08:28,079 Every day. 188 00:08:28,081 --> 00:08:32,417 Well, give me that foreskin, and let's get this thing started. 189 00:08:32,419 --> 00:08:34,519 Owen, this is a piece of bologna 190 00:08:34,521 --> 00:08:37,488 that you folded in half and nibbled the middle out of. 191 00:08:37,490 --> 00:08:40,124 Stop talking and start sewing that deli meat onto me. 192 00:08:40,126 --> 00:08:43,428 Okay. Sterilize the bologna. 193 00:08:43,430 --> 00:08:45,763 Hey, just stop! Just please stop! 194 00:08:45,765 --> 00:08:48,700 Hey, get that China-man out of here! Security! 195 00:08:48,702 --> 00:08:50,301 That's no China-man. 196 00:08:50,303 --> 00:08:51,402 That's my dad. 197 00:08:51,404 --> 00:08:52,770 Look, I'm -- 198 00:08:52,772 --> 00:08:54,706 I'm sorry. I lied to you, Owen. 199 00:08:54,708 --> 00:08:55,807 You were never circumcised. 200 00:08:55,809 --> 00:08:59,477 - But I have not a foreskin. - Oh, yes, you have. 201 00:08:59,479 --> 00:09:01,815 You know how a tailor hems a pair of pants -- 202 00:09:01,827 --> 00:09:03,848 - He cuffs it off with a few stitches? - Yeah. 203 00:09:03,850 --> 00:09:06,217 - Well, that's what we did with you. - Oh, my gosh. 204 00:09:06,219 --> 00:09:09,754 Sure. All you have to do is just, you know, rip out some of the seams. 205 00:09:09,756 --> 00:09:11,489 Tell you what. Can I, uh... 206 00:09:11,491 --> 00:09:13,725 - Can I take over there, doc? - Sure. 207 00:09:13,727 --> 00:09:15,293 All right. 208 00:09:15,295 --> 00:09:16,928 Oh, he hasn't had any anesthesia. Does that matter? 209 00:09:16,930 --> 00:09:18,396 Yeah, maybe we should hold off -- 210 00:09:18,398 --> 00:09:21,265 - Oh, ho! Ohh! - All right, just one more. 211 00:09:21,267 --> 00:09:24,135 There you go! One more, big boy. 212 00:09:24,137 --> 00:09:27,739 - Aaaaaaah! Oh-ho! - All right. 213 00:09:27,741 --> 00:09:29,574 That wasn't so bad. 214 00:09:29,576 --> 00:09:30,942 Thanks, Dad. 215 00:09:30,944 --> 00:09:33,144 - I love you. - I love you, too, son. 216 00:09:33,146 --> 00:09:35,747 - Where's Mom? - Oh, Mom? I don't know. 217 00:09:35,749 --> 00:09:38,316 She's around here somewhere being all Chinese. 218 00:09:39,419 --> 00:09:43,021 - Come here. - Oh, that's my boy. 219 00:09:43,023 --> 00:09:45,223 We all become a man in our own way. 220 00:09:45,225 --> 00:09:46,624 It just took me a little longer. 221 00:09:46,626 --> 00:09:48,459 But I wouldn't have changed a thing. 222 00:09:48,461 --> 00:09:51,499 Because if it had happened any earlier, 223 00:09:51,522 --> 00:09:54,863 I wouldn't be in a room surrounded by so many people that I love. 224 00:09:54,875 --> 00:09:57,435 I want to thank each and every one of you, for, without you, 225 00:09:57,437 --> 00:10:00,538 I wouldn't be the full-grown adult that I am today. 226 00:10:00,540 --> 00:10:04,108 And to the girl I love, who put this all together, Valerie... 227 00:10:17,186 --> 00:10:18,712 Excuse me. 228 00:10:18,725 --> 00:10:22,927 Hey, you would not believe the insane day I've had today. 229 00:10:22,929 --> 00:10:27,932 Okay. Your breath is stink-errible. 230 00:10:27,934 --> 00:10:29,567 Terrible. 231 00:10:29,569 --> 00:10:35,106 "...Sinai leimor..." 232 00:10:35,504 --> 00:10:39,144 Sync, corrected by icephoenix www.addic7ed.com 233 00:10:43,505 --> 00:10:45,932 Yay... Another Jew Mitzvah. 234 00:10:46,825 --> 00:10:48,493 You know what? I like nurses... 235 00:10:48,516 --> 00:10:50,586 - Sitting on my dong. - Stop it. 236 00:10:50,609 --> 00:10:52,623 - You're disgusting. - What? 237 00:10:53,002 --> 00:10:54,904 Jews are so sweet. 238 00:10:54,928 --> 00:10:57,228 Just... Keep an eye on your wallet. 239 00:11:02,187 --> 00:11:03,986 Off the phone. Off the phone. 240 00:11:04,010 --> 00:11:05,616 - Off the phone. - I don't understand. 241 00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:08,172 - Off the phone. - Oh. 242 00:11:09,409 --> 00:11:12,243 Oh, man, these hebes can eat. 243 00:11:12,245 --> 00:11:14,736 I can't wait to see the comment card. 244 00:11:22,284 --> 00:11:24,268 Attention hospital staff: 245 00:11:24,290 --> 00:11:27,217 Coffee is now available in the coffee-break room. 246 00:11:27,241 --> 00:11:28,292 I mean, duh.