*
Cheers, Horace! See ya. See ya.
You got your float and your phone, Dad?
Little lad says to his granddad, "Make a noise like a frog for us." And you've got your medication?
Granddad says, "Bugger off. What d'you want me to sound like a frog for?"
"Me dad says, 'Soon as tha granddad croaks, we can all go to Florida.' "
Cos there's a party after work, so you'll have to to remember to get your own 2 o'clock tablets, OK? Yeah.
Here you go. See you later. Bye.
BELL RINGS
↑ See you in a minute. ..Down there.
I hope Sue's got the cake. >
Sylvia!
What about the party?
We're off to see our Jake at three. Oh, right. Say hello from us.
Will do. Where are you two off? Cornwall.
How much have you bought? Party's only a couple of hours. Get more, eh? Be quick! You're gonna get spotted.
They couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery. Let's see your surprised face again before we go in.
Just have a bit of whisky, you'll be fine.
Mack! Mack! Yeah? How long's there been a broken window in the canteen?
What? Side window. It's broken.
# Happy Birthday to you
# Happy Birthday, dear Ma-ack
# Happy Birthday to you... #
CHEERING
Thank you. I'm touched.
It's been said often enough - I haven't a clue what goes on in here.
You could've tipped me off. We'd have known and she'd be dead.
Thanks, Trude.
Right. Well, come on!
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
Never used to happen, because the cost of shipping stuff rocketed. Not if you're in Europe. Bloody right!
We've got the most expensive haulage in the world. Road tax, diesel tax, fresh air tax... Yeah...
But what's to stop you sticking your headquarters in Calais and running all the same contracts from there?
They could try and stop you, but if you did you'd cause a riot... Sorry. It's so boring!
Mack!
CHEERS AND WHISTLES
You bastards!
# Happy birthday to you... # Bastards!
# Happy birthday...to you
# Happy birthday... Mr President... #
CHEERS
# Happy birthday to you. #
APPRECIATIVE CRIES AND WHISTLES
Nothing to do with me!
I meant him.
BELL RINGS
PHONE IS RINGING
TRUDY: 'Mackintosh Textiles.
'The office is closed now. If you want to leave a message, we'll get back to you as soon as possible.'
CALLER HANGS UP
What you doin? (Stay there!)
Mack's wife.
Sneaky bitch. I knew she'd come early if she thought he'd was enjoying himself. I told her about the party.
She wasn't to pick him up till 4.
I stuck the whisky in the filing cabinet.
PHONE RINGS
Coming in for one? 'Mackintosh Textiles. The office is closed.
'If you want to leave a message, we'll get back to you as soon as possible.'
My name's Horace Crandall. I'm trying to get hold of Trudy Graham.
If anybody's picking this up, can Trudy ring Horace as soon po...? Horace? It's me. What?
Trudy, love. I thought you were due home, being a Friday. I've been waiting here for you.
Is Dad there, Horace? No. I'm really sorry, Trudy. He's died.
You'd best come home.
I brought him some more stock, Trudy. I thought he was asleep.
Want me to take the flowers in?
You OK? Fine.
When we buried my dad, I remember thinking I wouldn't be that upset.
We were pretty close, but, um, I knew he wanted to go. Mine didn't.
Right.
Didn't you say your sister was coming? And others. It's 10 o'clock.
CLOCK CHIMES THE HOUR
Excuse me, this IS St John the Divine, isn't it?
Down to the bottom, left up the road. Mack, come on!
ORGAN PLAYS
(Sorry. ..Sorry.)
Are you all right, love. (I'm SO sorry.)
And, um...Granddad goes to the kid,
"Why are you so keen to turn me into a frog?"
And the kid says, "Cos me dad says that when you croak we can all go to Florida."
We went to the wrong church...
(Oh, for God's sake, Trudy!)
TRUDY LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
But he left Mackintosh with a pension? State pension.
Which never got touched. It's in a savings account, somewhere.
Which accumulated interest because he didn't need it, because he drew funds from the flower business.
I don't know about that. He did! We never talked about money, Janice!
Um, shall I go? We COULD do with discussing things in private. No, you're all right.
You've half a drink left. If it's other than 50/50, that's not fair. Well, in fact...
Well, no... You've lived here rent-free, earning £290 a week which you've banked for...
Eleven years. ..eleven years, without expenses.
Is it wise going through this today?
Or at all, in front of a boyfriend we've never met.
I'm Trudy's boss, James Mackintosh.
Your dad worked for mine, so I'm no stranger. One thing I do know.
She took out loans to pay for surgery your dad was never told about. He'd never have gone private.
Fine, but none of that materialises on paper. "Materialises on paper"? You miserable arsehole!
She's just buried him... He was my father, too. Mack, it's not worth getting wound up about.
Everything me dad left me is yours.
Anything you want - all of it, if you want - take it! Trudy, don't be so...
I don't need it, don't want it. Trudy... The stuff I need's up here.
And you can't stand that, Janice!
She worked her socks off taking care of him. You're a bloody disgrace!
Come on, come on. You'll be all right.
I said, didn't I? The first bit is always the hard bit.
You did very well. Very, very well.
SHE SOBS
I hope you're never this stupid with my money. I'm brilliant with other people's!
Damn! I've left me fags in the house.
..Come on.
Excuse me, mate, got a spare ciggie? Mack! Don't! Look, mate, I tell you what - I'll give you a fiver!
A fiver for your fags. There's only four in the packet, for God's sakes. ..Cheers, mate.
I'M stupid with money?! Petrol station's two minutes away.
That's that way. We're walking this way. Come on.
Oh! Trudy!
Fancy coming for a drink tonight?
Oh, no, I don't...
Just a wind-down.
We were saying, "Wouldn't it be great if Trudy came?"
Nobody's getting dressed up.
Oh. OK. Well...thanks.
Brilliant! ..Coming.
So where are we gonna go? That wine bar.
You're mad. You're entitled to at least a week off for bereavement.
I didn't come back to work for three weeks after Neil died. That's a bit different to someone...
It's awful your dad died, but Neil were in his 20s. You had three kids. It's still a death.
I'd rather be in work than sorting bags out. Have you had a lot to do? Dad hoarded.
You can't move in his room. I'm looking at it, going, "I'll need a JCB!" Shout, if you want owt doing.
Skip's ordered, Saturday. Can't then. ..What was her name? Kidded people about her dad dying to get time off.
Pamela. Pamela Whittaker! When he did go, she couldn't say, she'd lied that often.
She had to work the day they buried him. She was in the toilets, crying.
This seat anybody's? No, take it. Cheers.
What they call you, then?
I meant, take it. If you let me buy you a cocktail. Buy us ALL one, I'll draw you a map home to your mum's.
You've got your foot on Trudy's bag.
Least you've a chance to get out a bit more now. I got out before.
Don't get stuck in on your own.
Yvonne's always needing babysitters and they're good kids...
I could paper her living room while she's out(!) Are you good like that?
I'd sooner watch a bloke do it. It was meant to be a joke, stupid cow!
Am I in trouble? Cos I didn't mean anything by... No, sit down, Freda.
I'm taking three weeks off. Yeah. An office supervisor's standing in. She won't do wages.
If I showed you how to do it, would you do the time sheets, calculate wages and help on payday?
I'd come off machines? Only Thursday, Fridays. Three weeks. How much?
Fifty a day. I can earn more than that sewing. You can, but you don't.
I can if I put me back into it. But you don't. I'd have to think...
Sixty a day. Fine! Great.
PHONE RINGS
Hello? Going away?
Honestly, Trudy, last night. Nobody meant owt by it. I know.
NOISES DOWNSTAIRS
Hello. I thought you'd gone back to Leicester? I did. And I'm back.
Trudy, I am sorry about what came out. I just... I think I was more upset than I expected to be.
What for? It's half of what Dad stashed away in cash. I don't want it all.
I am sorry what I said, I just... Well, just take it, please.
And you've come back just for this?
Stay here as long as you want.
The rest, we split down the middle, including the work, sorting it out. You don't know, do you?
How much trouble you're in. I beg your pardon?
Your house - whose name's it in? Mine. His. Both. What're you on about?
Trevor's used the deeds against some property thing that's fallen apart. You're gonna lose it.
Where d'you get this? He rang me dad a fortnight back, asking to borrow fifteen grand for "an investment".
He didn't want you to know. Me dad sent him packing. Then he got his solicitor to credit-check Trevor.
He's put the house up as collateral with the firm that's gone bust.
If you don't know that, then he's been forging your signature somewhere.
Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't Dad?
You'd have thought I was saying it to hurt you, cos I never liked Trevor, which I'm not. Cos...I love you.
Just...don't rush into selling this place.
All right?
KNOCKING ON DOOR
Janice, that's my taxi. I'm going away for a couple of weeks.
Hiya, can you give me 5 minutes?
Thank you.
Will you be all right?
Hello, can I help you? Trudy Graham for Mr Doylan. Take a seat, please.
There's someone here to see you.
D'you smoke? No. So what am I smelling?
Five a day.
Some people use an operation as an incentive to pack it in.
Which you won't? No. OK.
Nervous? A bit. I'll do the operation first thing, so you need to get an early night.
Do you use sedatives? Am I allowed a drink? What's your drink? Whisky. One or two. Nothing after 10pm.
Oh. Right. I'll need a sedative, then.
No, you can't have both. Right. In that case, I'll stick with the whisky. You'll be fine, Mrs Graham.
I'll see you in the morning.
Marlene. OK...
TV: 'So if we use a gentle eyeliner, see how it accentuates Margaret's best features? Absolutely.
'I think that's an amazing difference.'
APPLAUSE
'How'd you think you're gonna look when we show you the mirror?
'Optimistic, obviously, now you've said that.
'Well, let's remind ourselves what Margaret looked like when she got to the studios this morning.'
AMPLIFIED FACTORY NOISE
Oh... Wow!
Well done!
It hurts and I'm aching. It just hurts. It's your own skin stretching to accommodate the implants...
Well, I can't bring him back, can I?
I can't just snap me fingers and bring him back and stop it hurting, can I?
Temperature? Bit spikey this afternoon, but more or less settled. Pain relief? Hasn't requested any.
Mrs Graham, I'm going to prescribe some analgesics.
If you're in this much pain, you really should've told the nurse. There's absolutely no need for this.
And we'll give you something to help you relax.
I'm not rich. I'm daft enough to pay what I owe. Hark at Richard Branson!
Rich people either squeeze the workers or the tax. You paying mine? I got a rebate.
PHONE RINGS
You sound like Neil Kinnock! I look like him. Losing hair from stress.
Turning ginger too.
Mack!
It's urgent. 'Scuse me.
It's true, you know.
I know. >
Hello? James Graham? No. Husband of Trudy Graham? What about her?
You're not meant to be interested and if you do discuss it, well it's none of your business... Mrs Graham.
Do you get "thank you", a bit of a nod? Same at work. Take time off, place falls apart. It's like, ha!
But you get nothing. So what d'you say back? Nothing!
Trudy, just come back to bed and we can talk.
It's OK. We're fine. Back to your beds, please!
Don't talk to me like I've never worked a PBX cos I cover 5 or 6 lines at once. There's nobody but me!
And all this shit about, "Anyone could do wages with their bloody eyes shut! It's basic arithmetic"!
He knows how much I do. Look, it's all right.
And he thinks she's God's gift! He knows she's not.
He works 3 feet away and I've got to pretend she's lovely and she's not. She's an out-and-out COW!
Nat West Gold Card, Amex card, Diner's Card.
I know cos all her stuff goes through the business.
She's never done a day's work in her life and she's shagging anything that moves! Everything that moves.
And I'm just...
SHE SOBS LOUDLY
Hey, come on.
Come on.
SOBBING CONTINUES
DOOR OPENS
In one piece, then?
You nearly had my job last night, madam.
This and the medication we put you on could've floored the pair of us.
Somebody'll be in with tea. Thanks.
I'm on your file as next of kin.
I had to put someone. I-I didn't want to put Janice.
Who's anything? I didn't think they'd use it. "Shagging anything that moves"?
That's what you were shouting when I came. Somebody I pay wages to. I need to know, Trudy. I...I can't.
I'll sack everybody, if I have to. Mack!
'Katherine, if you're there, pick it up. It's Trudy.
'If you're there, pick it up!
'He knows. I've told him. Not deliberately, but I've told him.
'I thought I'd best warn you. I... I don't hate you that much. Ring me on my mobile as soon as you get this.
'0402 224 103.'
Big mistake. You need rest, supervision.
I have to go home. Why not come back? I should never have come in the first place!
Right, you've paid £2,000. That's £2,675 remaining.
How would you like to pay?
All right. One...two...
That's 100...
SHE SCREAMS
Oh, my God! You! What're you doing here?
Mack, don't. Mack, come on, I'm supposed to be meeting Suzie.
I just want a hug.
What's the matter?
Have I upset you? No.
Mack, I'm supposed to be meeting Suzie.
Where? Just town. Pizza.
Could I come? ..If you want.
Suzie wouldn't mind. She'd turn on a sixpence if she knew you were coming.
Will you bring my bag in?
I've just had an operation. ..I'll pay you.
Do you want to go through these messages? No.
Some of 'em are fairly urgent. You... No.
If you're wishing you hadn't asked me to do this, I'm happy going back on me machine. No.
PHONE RINGS
DOOR OPENS
I thought you were on holiday.
I am.
What's happened? ..Nothing!
If your marriage collapses, you're meant to get at least one day feeling sorry for yourself.
What was wrong with your tits, anyway?
It makes me cringe just thinking about it.
Somebody like you would go and chuck good money at...mutilation.
You couldn't have picked a worse time.
Where's your car? THAT didn't belong to me, either.
I've told him not to come back for me till he has documents saying the house still belongs to me. He won't.
So he won't come back then, will he?
I don't think I can eat. Well, you can't not.
Just eat the chips if you don't want the egg.
NOISY CHAT SHOW ON TV
CHANGES CHANNEL, HORN BLASTS
Did you open a red? I thought we were having white. I stuck it in the fridge. Where?
'Kath, Mack, it's Robin. Thanks for dinner. Helen didn't leave her mobile round there, did she?
'Don't bother ringing back unless it's good news. See you soon.'
'Katherine. If you're there, pick it up. It's Trudy. If you're there, pick it up...
'He knows. I've told him. Not deliberately, but I've told him. I thought I'd best warn you.
'I don't hate you that much. Ring me on my mobile as soon as you get this. 040...'
How long's the food away?
ENGINE RUNNING
IMPATIENT KNOCKING
KNOCKING PERSISTS
Yeah?
You bitch! You selfish, rotten bitch! Mack?
"I've told him..." You couldn't WAIT. That's not true. Your job's GONE, Trudy. Understand?
I don't wanna see you again. Move away from the door and I can open it. What're you doing?!
Move your foot! You've been jealous of her from day one, cos you got lumbered in this pit,
watching your dad die! She's lovely, you pay to be butchered...
Bloody breast implants. For what? For me? Think I'd be a bit bloody interested?
Look at the state of you! You stupid, selfish bitch!
Mack... Mack!!
What the hell was that?
SHE DIALS NUMBER
PHONE RINGS
RINGING PERSISTS
I've done nothing wrong, Mack!
"I couldn't wait to tell you"? You should ask me how long it's taken!
But if you think you're gonna take my job away from me just like that, you've got another think coming.
Put it in writing on a Termination Notice, third drawer down...
Then watch me take it to a tribunal and see how far you get not answering anybody's questions.
I haven't told you anything you didn't already know, Mack.
If you're happy living like that, as you said, it's nothing to do with me.
But I don't understand. I think she's wrecking your life. You know she is,
and you must be a masochist to put up with it. None of my business. Fine.
I've never asked any questions cos you've got no answers. Fine! But I've done nothing wrong!
What's wrong with me thinking more of you than SHE does?
For your information...
I'm not interested in you.
I did this for me. Years back, maybe, but not now.
You're a walk-over, Mack. Don't you dare make me feel like a freak cos I've shown you some respect.
That's your problem, not mine. I'm twice the woman she is. I know that for a fact.
Come on...
Let's get you in.
SHE CRIES OUT IN PAIN
You're leaking.
Did they give you any dressings?
In me overnight bag, in me bedroom.
KNOCKING
The only bloke you know lets himself be treated like shit -
you bend over backwards for.
What does that make you, for God's sakes?
I just don't understand why you put up with it.
Somebody like would be be a 100% improvement, if you walked into my life and changed it for me.
But eight, ten hours a day together for the last eleven years,
I have never wished, for one second, you weren't there.
But I love her. I know you do.
..What do you get back?
..More than I'd have if she wasn't there. How do you KNOW?
Arms down...
And to the left.
CAMERA CLICKS
And turn to the right.
There's two. Which? Bloke at the back. Long-sleeved shirt.
Bloke over to the left in a short jacket...
This one. Hiya. Hello. Hiya.
They need air conditioning in here. Can I get you drinks?
We'll sort ourselves out, thanks.
No offence. Just misreading the signals there. No offence, but yeah.
Is it me, or does everybody walk faster than they used to?
Men do look. They definitely look.
But your clothes are tighter than you'd normally wear. Your hair's done, you've more make-up on... So?
So how d'you know you've got what you paid for?
You could've found a bloke without going through an operation. No, I'm not looking for a bloke.
Not a bloke. Not just a bloke. It's about...
I got stuck on Mack for ages and it...
Everybody moves on and I stayed put.
Looking awkward cos I was feeling it.
Then looking more awkward cos people got used to it and expected me to. You don't love him? No!
But I know people think I do, and it makes me have to behave like somebody who's been dumped. It gets on me t...
Nobody believes me if I ever say I'm happy.
I wanted a change, Janice. Some people can just say "Right!" and fire off. You always could.
I have to be forced.
Um... Welcome back.
Thank you. D'you feel OK?
I feel great, yeah.
PHONE RINGS
No. Um...you get yourself settled. I'll get that.
Hello. Mackintosh Textiles.
Oh, hiya, Trudy. You're looking well.
Thanks. Nice break? Brilliant.
Pass us a Wagon Wheel, Trude.
What've you done to your face? Nothing!
Shepherd's pie and veg, Peggy.
Thanks, Trudy.
Twist... Twist.
Sticking. Twist.
Twist.
Bust.
What's so funny? Um, nothing. Come on.
..Well, come on, for God's sake!
Who else's been on holiday and come back with knockers two sizes bigger? You have, haven't you? So?
Right, two quid, all of you! No, I were on side. You and you. Come on!
Chrissy Cavanagh got hers done. She loved 'em. Did it hurt? Yeah.
You reckon it's worth it? Not yet.
- Glad you did it? - I think so now. Can you get a loan?
I'd hate that feeling of something inside you all the time. In your dreams!
Good on you, Trudy! Freda's jealous cos her tits need a steam iron before she can get 'em out.
Coming for a drink after work? I... We've a kitty with your name on.
I can't. I'm out with me sister. Twist.
Bust.
Tenner if I guess and I'm right and I want the God's honest truth. Tenner?
Are you pregnant?
I could tell, minute you came back to work. Go on, I won't say anything.
Twenty. Eh?
I'm having twins! You're not, are you?
What's funny about that?
They all right? Fine, thank you.
No gags!
Hello. ..When did you do all this? Well, it'll pay the bills, won't it? Well, it'll pay mine.
And all these businessmen desperate to avoid divorces were going spare. £12.50, please.
You eaten? Pot Noodle and dental floss by accident.
Every time I stuck anything in the mikey, another car pulled up.
Hi. Hiya. Right...
Keep 'em out of direct sunlight and... Smell them! Fabulous. Lovely.
Keep 'em out of direct sunlight, you'll get another few days out of these.
You know that funny fella that delivers the flowers - Maurice? Horace.
He said he'd come tomorrow at about seven. He does. Is he safe?
He's normally seven on the dot. I haven't worked in ten years. An early start's been Richard and Judy.
Me dad always reckoned he could charge more, first thing. How come?
..God, this's just what I needed. Thanks, love, I'm famished!
He said, and I know he could talk himself into anything, but...
he reckoned blokes buying flowers first thing were on their way to work,
so they'd be buying flowers for their secretaries. They must be having affairs as they had wedding rings.
So he'd bung an extra 50p on and they were none the wiser.
Whereas guys buying last minute were buying for their wives.
But I'm really crabby in the mornings.
I've got a date. Not from work?
No. Stationery rep. We used to see him every other week.
He changed firms, so we lost touch. What did he say? I rang him. Why? It's something I've never done.
I said "Hiya, Shaun. Trudy Graham here."
He goes "Wow, I thought you'd lost me number. Are you changing firms?"
I said "No, but I was wondering if you weren't busy, if you fancied a drink one night." He goes...
"Right... Yeah... OK."
Was there a pause, like that? Yeah.
But it doesn't mean a thing if he's in the car on the mobile and he's not heard from me for over a year.
I said "..I was thinking Thursday. Friday, I'm busy. Weekend, me sister's up."
You must've scared him to death! Well, he's coming. Picking me up. You'll have to hide.
THEY GIGGLE
How long do you like your rice boiled for? Fifteen minutes.
'You can't have thought this through.'
I... If I don't go now, I NEVER will!
Oh, for God's sake! You got any others?
Mack's never hit you. Don't give me that.
I wouldn't have cared. At least he'd have reacted.
Have you been to the solicitor's? Working for who? Katherine! AND? They won't say.
Mack's wife's left him. She owns the building, she's having it bound, that's all I know.
We need to know what you're thinking, Mack. People are getting scared.
She never wanted me...
Why don't you want it better? What's wrong with you?
This building will be closed from 6.30 tonight.
Subtitles by Valerie Maguire BBC Scotland 2000