This programme contains some strong language.
BELL RINGS
Oi! Speed it up. You're bloody retarded, you know that? Pack it in.
HORN BLARES
Kev, ya knob head!
'Kev, it's Patsy McCullough. I'm a mate of Sonia's.
'She knows my brother-in-law. She said you knew where there was a Jack Russell pup going.
'I don't want to pay, absolutely can't pay, more than 50. Number's 941 5627. Patsy.'
'Mr Leach, this is Nigel from Easy View Rentals.
'Siege Under Fire is now six days late, with £18 owing.
'We've a waiting list for that film, so can you drop it off tonight, if possible?
'Well, not "if possible". We need it. Cheers.'
Brian? Kev! What brings you here? I live here. So do I.
Moved in last Saturday. Bloody hell. I've been here two years now.
It's all right, innit? Yeah. They're mostly friendly, except that septic old moose next to me. Barking mad.
Charmin'! I nearly missed out. They tried sticking a grand on the asking price after we'd shook on it.
I says, "You're joking!" They would.
What is it with the bins? I thought they collected today.
Used to, till the wheelie bin. Fridays now. I've tons of shit to go! There's a tip at Stretford.
No car. The wife got it in the divorce. I didn't know you were divorced, or married.
What's that about? Boot you out? More or less. New bloke? Yep.
Can't have been your looks. Bet he earns more.
Sort your crap out, we'll shoot it down the tip in the van. Cheers, Kev.
Girlfriend. Babs. ..Hiya. Hiya.
Brian, mate from work, just moved in. Hiya, Brian.
I'd best go. ..Well, yeah!
You'll have to jump in the back once we pick Ade up. Sure.
Split the fuel, yeah? No problem. Be a treat not going by bus. Watch this.
MUSIC BLARES OUT
I'm reporting you for this, you little shite! I'm getting a dog!
Do ya hear me? I'm getting a dog!
I'm writing everything down, ya know!
MUSIC STOPS
No wonder she's crackers. Chicken and egg, mate.
Jesus, Brian! Ya scared me half to death! Overslept?
Nah, he gets up at six. That'll be his third breakfast. Fat bastard!
Bri's moved in opposite. Splitting the fuel. Nice one.
MUSIC ON RADIO, MACHINERY ROARS
Martin!
Steve's pulled out tomorrow night. Can you go in goal? Not tomorrow.
Why? What's up with you? Crabs. He's had to shave everything, so he don't fancy the showers.
A guy's bringing a car round. Why not? I'm out. It's only a couple of hours. I'm out!
Who? Out. Who?! None of your business!
Come on! ..Eh, do you know who it is?
OK! A pint for anyone who can tell me who our Martin's knobbing.
Two pints!
When I've finished stuff here, I'll probably feel like a beer, if you're up for one. Yeah, give us a shout.
What you doin'? I wanna wear sandals tomorrow, so I have to.
Oh, Jesus! It stinks!
Pringle's got a sun lamp! No wonder she divorced him!
I'm not stoppin'!
You've got no tapes left.
I know. But I can still use the zoom. What are you doin'?
I reckon he's on a computer. Tenner it's porn, this time of night. Sad bastard.
You watch more porn than anybody I know. Yeah, but I make most of it!
I'd better be going or me mum'll be in bed. She wants a fiver for doing your washing. Yeah, yeah.
Kev. Brian.
Apparently, they're asking three quid on the door. How come?
It's meant to be a private do. You only pay as a non-member. But never at a private party.
Not if Kev's already paid 70 for the function room. Greedy sods! We're all gonna refuse. Bloody right!
They're not gonna turn us away. ..Bad sex last night, Kev?
HE TURNS UP RADIO
She moved, Doctor, she definitely moved!
So the doctor says, "It's a mystery what people in comas respond to."
He says, "Go back to your wife and feel her other breast."
So he goes and feels her left breast,
and the same thing happens again. "Ohh! Ohh!"
He runs back to the doctor.
DISTORTED VOICE
It worked, it definitely worked! "Well done, Mr Beasley," he says.
"We can't stop now. Go back again and see how she responds to oral sex." So off he goes.
Five minutes later he's back again, tears streaming down his face.
He says, "Doctor, she's gone. She's dead." The doctor goes ballistic.
He thinks, "God! Me career's on the line now!"
He says, "Dead?! How the hell can she be dead?!"
He says, "To be honest, I think she choked."
Talk about primitive! You lot need bloody mental treatment. I mean it! Mental treatment!
It's a joke! It's sick. What's the betting I won't remember it tomorrow?
Happy birthday, mate. It's all right here. We're looking for somewhere for our Jake's 18th.
How's the beer? Don't know. No-one's bought me one yet. Coming up.
Hiya, I know I weren't invited,
but I popped round to Sylvia's to see if she fancied going for a drink
and she said, "Come with us, Martin won't mind." I thought, "He'd better not do! I invited him to mine!"
So here I am. Happy birthday. Over the hill, mate. Happy birthday.
Cheers, Ade. Kev not with you? Yeah, he's... Martin!
It's me brother's party. I paid for the room. House rules on function nights - no T-shirts, no trainers.
Since when? When were you last here?
I paid for the room. No chance. Everybody else knew about it.
You stirring it, Kev? Not me. HIM. Tosser!
Think yourself lucky. We have to work with him.
MUSIC BLARES: "Spice Up Your Life" by the Spice Girls
There we go, fellas!
KNOCKS ON DOOR
Hiya, you got any, er, black polish? How do you mean?
Shoe polish. If I have, I wouldn't know where it is, to be honest.
I thought Martin's do started at 8? Yeah, you not coming?
No, I, er...no, I got lumbered with stuff.
Hang on, I'll have a look.
VOICES OUTSIDE
Don't be a dick! It's my ball!
I run a youth group down Sedbergh St. Oh, right.
Once they know where you are, you never get left alone. I'll go and look, but I can't promise.
Give us the ball. All right.
Playing? Nah. ..You old enough for that? How old do you think I am?
You look about 50. It's only cider.
CHILDREN'S VOICES ECHO
It's your lucky night! I don't know how much is in it, though.
..That silly sod chucked shandy all over me. He knows it's cider.
They're only allowed half a can each.
Maximum.
What's the alternative? Swilling it back down the bus station?
There's no harm done. Yeah. Cheers, anyway. No problem.
MUSIC: "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls
That's flights AND accommodation. They chuck ALL your food and drink in. Bloody marvellous.
You wanna try it. Best holiday...
She's lovely, Mack.
Well, yeah. No, I mean, really gorgeous.
Did she, er... did she say...Ellen or Helen?
An agency? Yeah, why not? What do you get for your money?
# So tell me what you want
# What you really, really want I wanna, I wanna zigazig-ah
# If you wannabe my lover
# You gotta get with my friends
# Make it last forever
# Friendship never ends
# If you wannabe my lover... #
Has this got anything to do with you?
How many times can a stripper be funny? Nothing to do with me.
MUSIC: "Happy Birthday"
I'm not being funny but if any of that oil gets on me, you're dead!
Show a little gratitude!
Look, look! Look at his mates.
Hey, Martin! Martin! Have a banana!
Don't be shy! Give him an 'and!
I'm writing everything down! I'm onto environmental health about you!
You know bloody well I'm allergic to gloss!
I thought you were picking me up.
I've got oil leaking. Me mum needed the car. Kev! It starts at 12.
Hiya, Babs. Has he got any bacon? Not unless I buy it for him, no.
Am I walking home? On an empty stomach? You're crap, you.
MUSIC: "Perfect Moment"
# Freeze this space in time
# The way that I feel
# For you inside
# This is my moment
# This is my perfect moment with you
# Tell me you love me
# When you leave
# You're more than a shadow
# That's what I believe
# You take me to places I never thought I'd see
# Minute by minute You are the world to me... #
I think I went to school with her. She fainted when we cut a frog up.
You're really pissing me off today. I have had tickets for this for six months and I hate it when you...
Kev!
# ..And if tomorrow brings a lonely day... #
Kev!
# ..Here and now I know... #
'Brian Pringle to the office, please. Brian Pringle to the office.'
Where were you?! I was out there, half-past, on the dot. No Kev. No van.
No, Brian. Your watch's wrong. I'm not waiting.
Over here! Over here!
Barney, you prick! That were mine! You were nowhere near!
Great teamwork, Ade! You were nowhere near! Just pass the ball! Come on!
Get stuck in! Martin, have a banana! Give it a rest, you sad bastard!
Bri? You nearly took his head off. Don't swallow.
Get some toilet paper. Where's Trudy? She's in the canteen.
Tell her she'll need the first-aid kit.
All because he took the ball? No.
What, then?
You two had a barney? Just good mates. Ask Barney.
Kev, he's gonna need stitches and his tooth's knackered.
BELL RINGS
Well, all I can do is apologise, but I know you should have had it by Tuesday because I checked it myself.
Where is he? He's gone. His ex-wife's taking him to the dental hospital. ..Sorry about that.
Could you give me that number again? I'll ring you back. Bye-bye.
Who's that with him? It's Brian's son Rob.
Rob? Dad, what happened? How come he's not at school? I've been and had me verruca done.
KNOCK ON DOOR
Hiya. We've got a takeaway coming. Kev wondered if you were hungry?
Oh, right. Is this his idea or yours? Kev's.
This seems bigger than mine. But you've got a garden.
I told Kev he'd regret not getting one with a garden. No, you didn't.
Well, me mum said it and she was right. She's never even been.
You look like you could do with a bit of sun, Brian. I'm not bothered.
If my son's around, I'm at him all the time, "Get the cream on!" And he's like, "Give it a rest!"
Brian, I'm really sorry about...
OK?
Bad tackle, yeah? If I'd had the ball, yeah.
Well, yeah, bad tackle.
How long were you married, Brian? Together 14 and married for 2.
See? See? How weird's that?
Five blokes, same thing. Years and years and years together. They get married, the whole gig turns turtle.
We were kids when we met. We stayed together cos she got pregnant. How old's the lad? 13 this year.
Dark-haired lad? Not from my side.
I get him every other week.
That's why I needed the house.
The flat I had was...
So long as this never goes above shoulder height!
Any of that, you're OUT! Get off the table! I heard that. Try it twice, I dare you.
Can I help you? Mate of Brian's. He reckoned you needed volunteers. Kev?
You said you were short-handed. Well, yeah, but... You vouching for him?
Well, yeah. Nothing better to do?
Well, yeah, but, I mean, if it's just football and pool and stuff, I don't mind. Looks a decent table.
Thing is, you have to guarantee your time. Two nights a week, minimum. Which pitch do you use for footie?
We've got a concession at Sherman Park.
Cool. Yeah, I'm there most nights anyway. Got a clean licence?
Yeah. No, three points for cutting a light. Criminal convictions? No. Drugs? What you offering?
No.
Fill this in, block capitals. Last two addresses, date of birth.
Next time, bring four passport photos and your driving licence.
SHOUTING
Keep up with me, baldy!
Stick together till we've got the tickets.
When you passed your test, was there a war on?
If you don't roll it, it's gonna bounce, innit? Stands to reason.
Let it go as you throw. All one movement. Watch.
What did you just say!
Say it again! Come on, I wanna hear it.
Wanker.
Yes! # Take your balls and shove 'em right on up your arse... #
You're the only arse. # ..Take your... #
You were born to this, obviously. They're decent kids.
9/10ths of regional crime. Maybe not "decent". We've had no murders,
but it's only a matter of time. So what do you get out of it? A salary.
You're not voluntary? Bugger off! I'm a social worker. A proper social worker? That's what the cheque says.
Snatching kiddies at midnight and all that? I did do family work, till I got sick of the same faces.
I just do this to keep me hand in. What's it pay, then? ..Roughly?
£14.50 an hour. For this? And five years' training!
Jesus! I'm in the wrong job. I bet you're not.
I wish you hadn't told me. It's only
a bit of fun. Not if you're seeing her again. What's wrong with it?
I know her husband really well. That's how I lost my wife. It's no fun having the piss taken out of you.
It's not like they've got any kids. So what?!
Right, money out. Play to lose, I'm a tenner down on the dogs.
SINGING FROM VAN
Hey, they're here! >
Come on, let's have ya!
# Mackintosh is wonderful... #
Hiya! This is such a waste of time. Half of 'em can't play football.
Yeah, that's why they're always getting into shit and stuff.
"Let's run 'em ragged so they've no energy for shoplifting!" Give over! They'll just learn to run quicker.
You've no hope, you. Cut it out! Not here. Hiya. Martin. Chris.
I hope your lot are up for it, cos ours are all knackered.
It's not charity. We're all equal here. All I want to know is, who burgled me mam's house last Friday?
For God's sakes, Dad! It's a fair question. I'm not accusing anybody.
Bet it was him, though.
Come on, Mackintosh! The kids are all over ya!
Kevin, put your shirt on! You're frightening the kids.
Come on, Charlotte.
To me. To me, you tosser!
Come on!
Come on, Mackintosh, you're making a show of yourself!
Offside!
Which circuit went first?
Er, front bedroom first, but that works more often than not.
Back bedroom light never worked since. When was this?
About six months back. Six months? And you never got it fixed?
They charge a fortune. How do you know I won't? You'll be walking to work. And I've made you a coffee.
Here we go.
PHONE RINGS
No sugar, Brian, so I've used a sweetener. Cheers.
So, busy at work? Bit quiet. It'll
speed up for the holidays though.
You going anywhere? We're supposed to be saving up for a wedding.
Has he asked you to look at the sockets in here? No, but he will.
Has he spent ANYTHING on this place? I keep saying and he goes, "I know!" It's been like this since February!
I'll have to leave that till weekend. But listen, Babs, I can't do all this for nothing. He'll pay.
He just never gets round to organising stuff. Babs!
Except me!
Can you manage on your own for an hour? Yeah. Help yourself to coffee.
Yeah, right. Where's Babs? Gone home. Well, it's her fault. She prances round, playing house.
It's only meant to be weekends. Seeing Chris?
Thought you'd rather not know.
I wish you'd shut up. You been to school today?
Yeah. Liar. Where'd you go? Bet I can guess.
Trafford Centre. No. Arndale. You're kidding!
I thought you were a pro? Arndale's the first place they look.
Place is crawling with fat old women from the Education...
Here we go! ..Pissed again, Bri?
WHISTLE BLOWS
No bombing!
Right you lot, five more minutes! ..Yes!
No! I wouldn't! You were!
No!
..Keep your mouth shut! See how many mates you got left! What's going on?
Go on. Back in the water.
I caught him going through thingy's jeans for money - Craig's.
If Craig finds out, he's a dead man, so I thought I'd better...
He won't try that twice. Little sod.
Kev, will you tell him? Kev!
Craig. Where's your, er, your kit?
It's in me locker. And where's your key?
And it's still locked? ..Yeah.
You don't know what I'm talking about, do you?
Good night. See you later.
You go on, Kev. I might as well take this home if we're using it tomorrow.
What's this?! Sheet. What size? Double.
It's not. You've cut 'em ALL too short.
It's not me. I knew something wasn't right cos I kept getting to the end of a line too fast.
I only thought it was me cos I was drinking coffee.
You've cut 1,000 doubles too short by an inch, you gormless bastard!
It's got your bloody batch number on it!
Nick, shut the machine. What? Shut the bloody machine! What've I done?
I want all doubles remeasured by somebody who's not HIM! All of 'em?
And no break! You can blame him!
You'll have to catch the bus. Oh, come on. Just sleep on it. Let Mack sleep on it.
Barney! Are you going by Urmston?
But you wouldn't bust a gut doing a detour, would ya? Don't be tight.
No rest for the wicked, eh?
Ask the lady for a sweetie and a snog. Go on! Good night, Barry.
What were you talking to that kid about? When? Swimming. I told you.
You lied.
Craig's clothes were in his locker. Why did you have a go at that kid?
I'm right, aren't I? What I saw on your computer. What you on about? What I saw in your garden. What?
And what I saw last night.
Cos I thought it, and I couldn't believe it. "Pringle's into kids."
I mean, not lolly tits. He's into kids!
Then you greased me round with that.
And you had... I've had you in my house, you snidey...!
Kev, don't! Come back at me! Come back at me! Kev!
Come back at me! Go in me bag.
Fucking roller blinds! Roller blinds up at your window! What're they about if I've got it wrong, eh?!
Eh, Brian? Brian? Kids!
You've even got a perv's name!
# For tonight I need a friend
# Yesterday is dead and gone... #
Give him a shout if you need some help, Brian. ..Give him a shout.
# ..It's so sad to be alone
# Help me make it through the night... #
"Who're you gonna be tonight, Barry?" "Matthew, I'll be bored shitless."
It's a mess with that lot cos they're up for a laugh and messing about.
It gets confusing, Kev.
Chris took them last weekend.
Shit sticks, Kev. Accusations like that really stick.
And you're a mate, so I'd hate to...
You pin me down, I'll take you with me. ..Know what I mean?
Keep them. ..They're just copies.
Kev?
Kev, what's going on? Kev.
What's the matter? What's happened? Sit down.
Have you been fired? Has he fired you?
Come on, what is it?
We were gonna tell you.
Kev! We were gonna tell you! Kev!
Has Mack fired him? Well, he can't, can he? Not if he's saying it was a machine fault.
Is it his girlfriend, do you think? Kev like that? Over a woman?
Welcome to the family, Trudy! Look, hang on here. I'll be straight back.
Something to say to me?
Kev!
What the hell's...?
Bloody hell, Kev!
That's somebody's husband, innit?
When will you learn, for Christ's sake?
Trudy said, "Is it his girlfriend?" I said "No." Never occurred it might be another one.
Christ knows why! It usually is! Here, head forward. Don't swallow.
You don't half get yourself into some shit!
You got any ice?
How do you do it? You'll be 30 soon. You'd best start practising, Kev, or you'll end up looking like a joke!
You're like a bloody goldfish, you know that?
How many times does this need to...?
Cheaper if you marry me, Babs. Yeah, he eats double, but never changes his underpants. That's cheap.
I'm quite happy with the one I've got. Once we have babies, you can forget about sleeping on our sofa.
Hear that, Kev? Bossy already. You don't stand a chance! He loves it.
Have you an address I can send a card to? Not for you, for your girlfriend! I feel sorry for her.
So that's a no to a wedding invitation, then?
I lost your number. It doesn't matter. Honest!
Actually...I lost me bottle.
Do ya fancy a drink some time?
This is Bev. Hiya.
I miss you when you go home. Move in. We've just started going out.
She can't order me about!
You'll be back in Peasant Crescent. You snotty get.
Mal's going to kill me! He'll kick me out!
Subtitles by Mary Easton BBC Scotland - 2001
E-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk