1
00:00:02,040 --> 00:00:07,200
This programme contains
some strong language.

2
00:01:02,799 --> 00:01:06,200
BELL RINGS

3
00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:39,439
Oi! Speed it up.
You're bloody retarded,
you know that? Pack it in.

4
00:01:43,079 --> 00:01:45,319
HORN BLARES

5
00:01:46,319 --> 00:01:48,960
Kev, ya knob head!

6
00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:04,799
'Kev, it's Patsy McCullough.
I'm a mate of Sonia's.

7
00:02:04,799 --> 00:02:11,400
'She knows my brother-in-law.
She said you knew where there was
a Jack Russell pup going.

8
00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:18,000
'I don't want to pay,
absolutely can't pay, more than 50.
Number's 941 5627. Patsy.'

9
00:02:20,079 --> 00:02:24,400
'Mr Leach, this is Nigel
from Easy View Rentals.

10
00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:28,599
'Siege Under Fire is now six days
late, with £18 owing.

11
00:02:28,599 --> 00:02:34,400
'We've a waiting list for that film,
so can you drop it off tonight,
if possible?

12
00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:38,159
'Well, not "if possible".
We need it. Cheers.'

13
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:51,520
Brian? Kev! What brings you here?
I live here. So do I.

14
00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:55,639
Moved in last Saturday. Bloody hell.
I've been here two years now.

15
00:02:55,719 --> 00:03:03,680
It's all right, innit? Yeah. They're
mostly friendly, except that septic
old moose next to me. Barking mad.

16
00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:10,680
Charmin'! I nearly missed out.
They tried sticking a grand on the
asking price after we'd shook on it.

17
00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:13,520
I says, "You're joking!" They would.

18
00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:17,240
What is it with the bins?
I thought they collected today.

19
00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:23,719
Used to, till the wheelie bin.
Fridays now. I've tons of shit
to go! There's a tip at Stretford.

20
00:03:23,719 --> 00:03:29,439
No car. The wife got it
in the divorce. I didn't know
you were divorced, or married.

21
00:03:29,439 --> 00:03:35,079
What's that about? Boot you out?
More or less. New bloke? Yep.

22
00:03:35,079 --> 00:03:38,920
Can't have been your looks.
Bet he earns more.

23
00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:44,280
Sort your crap out, we'll shoot it
down the tip in the van.
Cheers, Kev.

24
00:03:57,920 --> 00:04:02,199
Girlfriend. Babs. ..Hiya. Hiya.

25
00:04:02,199 --> 00:04:07,280
Brian, mate from work,
just moved in. Hiya, Brian.

26
00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:14,439
I'd best go. ..Well, yeah!

27
00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:38,240
You'll have to jump in the back
once we pick Ade up. Sure.

28
00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:42,759
Split the fuel, yeah? No problem. Be
a treat not going by bus. Watch this.

29
00:04:43,959 --> 00:04:47,720
MUSIC BLARES OUT

30
00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:03,480
I'm reporting you for this,
you little shite! I'm getting a dog!

31
00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:06,360
Do ya hear me? I'm getting a dog!

32
00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:09,040
I'm writing everything down, ya know!

33
00:05:15,199 --> 00:05:17,759
MUSIC STOPS

34
00:05:17,759 --> 00:05:21,639
No wonder she's crackers.
Chicken and egg, mate.

35
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:33,680
Jesus, Brian! Ya scared me
half to death! Overslept?

36
00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:38,319
Nah, he gets up at six. That'll be
his third breakfast. Fat bastard!

37
00:05:38,319 --> 00:05:42,519
Bri's moved in opposite.
Splitting the fuel. Nice one.

38
00:05:42,519 --> 00:05:46,040
MUSIC ON RADIO, MACHINERY ROARS

39
00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,519
Martin!

40
00:05:56,120 --> 00:06:01,240
Steve's pulled out tomorrow night.
Can you go in goal? Not tomorrow.

41
00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:07,879
Why? What's up with you? Crabs.
He's had to shave everything,
so he don't fancy the showers.

42
00:06:07,879 --> 00:06:14,040
A guy's bringing a car round.
Why not? I'm out. It's only
a couple of hours. I'm out!

43
00:06:15,759 --> 00:06:19,560
Who? Out.
Who?! None of your business!

44
00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:22,720
Come on!
..Eh, do you know who it is?

45
00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:32,720
OK! A pint for anyone who can
tell me who our Martin's knobbing.

46
00:06:34,319 --> 00:06:36,800
Two pints!

47
00:06:54,840 --> 00:07:02,240
When I've finished stuff here, I'll
probably feel like a beer, if you're
up for one. Yeah, give us a shout.

48
00:07:57,000 --> 00:08:02,279
What you doin'? I wanna wear sandals
tomorrow, so I have to.

49
00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:06,519
Oh, Jesus! It stinks!

50
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:19,079
Pringle's got a sun lamp!
No wonder she divorced him!

51
00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:24,199
I'm not stoppin'!

52
00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:27,839
You've got no tapes left.

53
00:08:27,839 --> 00:08:32,480
I know. But I can still
use the zoom. What are you doin'?

54
00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:39,159
I reckon he's on a computer.
Tenner it's porn,
this time of night. Sad bastard.

55
00:08:39,159 --> 00:08:44,639
You watch more porn than anybody
I know. Yeah, but I make most of it!

56
00:08:44,639 --> 00:08:51,639
I'd better be going or me mum'll
be in bed. She wants a fiver
for doing your washing. Yeah, yeah.

57
00:09:47,519 --> 00:09:50,080
Kev. Brian.

58
00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:08,960
Apparently, they're asking
three quid on the door. How come?

59
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:15,639
It's meant to be a private do.
You only pay as a non-member.
But never at a private party.

60
00:10:15,639 --> 00:10:22,519
Not if Kev's already paid 70 for the
function room. Greedy sods! We're
all gonna refuse. Bloody right!

61
00:10:22,519 --> 00:10:27,000
They're not gonna turn us away.
..Bad sex last night, Kev?

62
00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:30,879
HE TURNS UP RADIO

63
00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:40,159
She moved, Doctor,
she definitely moved!

64
00:10:40,159 --> 00:10:45,399
So the doctor says, "It's a mystery
what people in comas respond to."

65
00:10:45,399 --> 00:10:49,480
He says, "Go back to your wife
and feel her other breast."

66
00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:52,480
So he goes and feels her left breast,

67
00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:55,960
and the same thing happens again.
"Ohh! Ohh!"

68
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:02,240
He runs back to the doctor.

69
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:02,240
DISTORTED VOICE

70
00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:07,159
It worked, it definitely worked!
"Well done, Mr Beasley," he says.

71
00:11:07,159 --> 00:11:13,919
"We can't stop now. Go back again and
see how she responds to oral sex."
So off he goes.

72
00:11:13,919 --> 00:11:18,639
Five minutes later he's back again,
tears streaming down his face.

73
00:11:18,639 --> 00:11:22,879
He says, "Doctor, she's gone. She's
dead." The doctor goes ballistic.

74
00:11:22,879 --> 00:11:26,440
He thinks,
"God! Me career's on the line now!"

75
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:30,240
He says, "Dead?!
How the hell can she be dead?!"

76
00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:33,960
He says,
"To be honest, I think she choked."

77
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:44,559
Talk about primitive!
You lot need bloody mental treatment.
I mean it! Mental treatment!

78
00:11:44,559 --> 00:11:50,200
It's a joke! It's sick.
What's the betting
I won't remember it tomorrow?

79
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:06,440
Happy birthday, mate.
It's all right here. We're looking
for somewhere for our Jake's 18th.

80
00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:10,799
How's the beer? Don't know. No-one's
bought me one yet. Coming up.

81
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:19,960
Hiya, I know I weren't invited,

82
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:19,960
but I popped round to Sylvia's to see
if she fancied going for a drink

83
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:26,919
and she said, "Come with us, Martin
won't mind." I thought, "He'd better
not do! I invited him to mine!"

84
00:12:26,919 --> 00:12:32,159
So here I am. Happy birthday. Over
the hill, mate. Happy birthday.

85
00:12:32,159 --> 00:12:37,159
Cheers, Ade. Kev not with you?
Yeah, he's... Martin!

86
00:12:40,159 --> 00:12:47,159
It's me brother's party. I paid for
the room. House rules on function
nights - no T-shirts, no trainers.

87
00:12:47,159 --> 00:12:50,080
Since when? When were you last here?

88
00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:54,559
I paid for the room. No chance.
Everybody else knew about it.

89
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:59,559
You stirring it, Kev?
Not me. HIM. Tosser!

90
00:12:59,559 --> 00:13:03,080
Think yourself lucky.
We have to work with him.

91
00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:58,120
MUSIC BLARES: "Spice Up Your Life"
by the Spice Girls

92
00:14:04,159 --> 00:14:06,679
There we go, fellas!

93
00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:41,080
KNOCKS ON DOOR

94
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:48,639
Hiya, you got any, er, black polish?
How do you mean?

95
00:14:48,639 --> 00:14:54,000
Shoe polish. If I have, I wouldn't
know where it is, to be honest.

96
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:57,919
I thought Martin's do started at 8?
Yeah, you not coming?

97
00:14:57,919 --> 00:15:01,840
No, I, er...no,
I got lumbered with stuff.

98
00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:04,480
Hang on, I'll have a look.

99
00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:11,600
VOICES OUTSIDE

100
00:15:16,519 --> 00:15:19,159
Don't be a dick! It's my ball!

101
00:15:21,559 --> 00:15:25,080
I run a youth group down Sedbergh St.
Oh, right.

102
00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:31,759
Once they know where you are,
you never get left alone. I'll go
and look, but I can't promise.

103
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:42,320
Give us the ball. All right.

104
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:46,879
Playing? Nah. ..You old enough for
that? How old do you think I am?

105
00:15:46,879 --> 00:15:49,639
You look about 50. It's only cider.

106
00:15:56,559 --> 00:16:00,720
CHILDREN'S VOICES ECHO

107
00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:07,840
It's your lucky night! I don't know
how much is in it, though.

108
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:13,759
..That silly sod chucked shandy
all over me. He knows it's cider.

109
00:16:13,759 --> 00:16:16,559
They're only allowed half a can each.

110
00:16:16,559 --> 00:16:18,919
Maximum.

111
00:16:20,159 --> 00:16:24,879
What's the alternative? Swilling
it back down the bus station?

112
00:16:24,879 --> 00:16:31,080
There's no harm done.
Yeah. Cheers, anyway. No problem.

113
00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:34,799
MUSIC: "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls

114
00:16:34,799 --> 00:16:41,480
That's flights AND accommodation.
They chuck ALL your food
and drink in. Bloody marvellous.

115
00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:44,240
You wanna try it. Best holiday...

116
00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:46,840
She's lovely, Mack.

117
00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:50,320
Well, yeah.
No, I mean, really gorgeous.

118
00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:55,279
Did she, er...
did she say...Ellen or Helen?

119
00:16:55,279 --> 00:16:59,759
An agency? Yeah, why not?
What do you get for your money?

120
00:16:59,759 --> 00:17:02,559
# So tell me what you want

121
00:17:02,559 --> 00:17:06,720
# What you really, really want
I wanna, I wanna zigazig-ah

122
00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:10,039
# If you wannabe my lover

123
00:17:10,039 --> 00:17:13,240
# You gotta get with my friends

124
00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:15,720
# Make it last forever

125
00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:17,920
# Friendship never ends

126
00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:20,440
# If you wannabe my lover... #

127
00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:33,799
Has this got anything to do with you?

128
00:17:35,359 --> 00:17:39,440
How many times can a stripper
be funny? Nothing to do with me.

129
00:17:45,079 --> 00:17:47,720
MUSIC: "Happy Birthday"

130
00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:04,119
I'm not being funny but if any
of that oil gets on me, you're dead!

131
00:18:04,119 --> 00:18:06,519
Show a little gratitude!

132
00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:15,160
Look, look! Look at his mates.

133
00:18:23,079 --> 00:18:25,839
Hey, Martin! Martin! Have a banana!

134
00:18:29,759 --> 00:18:33,599
Don't be shy! Give him an 'and!

135
00:18:33,599 --> 00:18:38,200
I'm writing everything down! I'm
onto environmental health about you!

136
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:42,200
You know bloody well
I'm allergic to gloss!

137
00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:51,240
I thought you were picking me up.

138
00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:56,160
I've got oil leaking. Me mum needed
the car. Kev! It starts at 12.

139
00:18:56,160 --> 00:19:01,200
Hiya, Babs. Has he got any bacon?
Not unless I buy it for him, no.

140
00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:10,240
Am I walking home? On
an empty stomach? You're crap, you.

141
00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:44,200
MUSIC: "Perfect Moment"

142
00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:44,200
# Freeze this space in time

143
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:47,839
# The way that I feel

144
00:19:47,839 --> 00:19:51,880
# For you inside

145
00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:55,079
# This is my moment

146
00:19:55,079 --> 00:20:00,440
# This is my perfect moment with you

147
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:07,640
# Tell me you love me

148
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:12,160
# When you leave

149
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:16,400
# You're more than a shadow

150
00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:20,720
# That's what I believe

151
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:25,759
# You take me to places
I never thought I'd see

152
00:20:25,759 --> 00:20:32,039
# Minute by minute
You are the world to me... #

153
00:20:32,039 --> 00:20:37,640
I think I went to school with her.
She fainted when we cut a frog up.

154
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:53,799
You're really pissing me off today.
I have had tickets for this for
six months and I hate it when you...

155
00:20:53,799 --> 00:20:55,880
Kev!

156
00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:06,000
# ..And if tomorrow
brings a lonely day... #

157
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:08,119
Kev!

158
00:21:08,119 --> 00:21:11,920
# ..Here and now I know... #

159
00:22:12,799 --> 00:22:19,720
'Brian Pringle to the office,
please.
Brian Pringle to the office.'

160
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:31,000
Where were you?!
I was out there, half-past,
on the dot. No Kev. No van.

161
00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:35,000
No, Brian. Your watch's wrong.
I'm not waiting.

162
00:22:46,799 --> 00:22:49,759
Over here! Over here!

163
00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:56,880
Barney, you prick! That were mine!
You were nowhere near!

164
00:22:56,880 --> 00:23:02,559
Great teamwork, Ade!
You were nowhere near!
Just pass the ball! Come on!

165
00:23:23,319 --> 00:23:28,559
Get stuck in! Martin, have a banana!
Give it a rest, you sad bastard!

166
00:23:58,039 --> 00:24:01,440
Bri? You nearly took his head off.
Don't swallow.

167
00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:05,519
Get some toilet paper. Where's
Trudy? She's in the canteen.

168
00:24:05,519 --> 00:24:09,119
Tell her
she'll need the first-aid kit.

169
00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:41,640
All because he took the ball? No.

170
00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:44,319
What, then?

171
00:24:47,759 --> 00:24:52,519
You two had a barney?
Just good mates. Ask Barney.

172
00:24:52,519 --> 00:24:56,880
Kev, he's gonna need stitches
and his tooth's knackered.

173
00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:02,839
BELL RINGS

174
00:25:12,359 --> 00:25:19,319
Well, all I can do is apologise,
but I know you should have had it by
Tuesday because I checked it myself.

175
00:25:19,319 --> 00:25:27,279
Where is he? He's gone.
His ex-wife's taking him to the
dental hospital. ..Sorry about that.

176
00:25:27,279 --> 00:25:32,240
Could you give me that number
again? I'll ring you back. Bye-bye.

177
00:25:32,240 --> 00:25:36,160
Who's that with him?
It's Brian's son Rob.

178
00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:43,440
Rob? Dad, what happened?
How come he's not at school?
I've been and had me verruca done.

179
00:26:14,359 --> 00:26:17,880
KNOCK ON DOOR

180
00:26:21,039 --> 00:26:26,559
Hiya. We've got a takeaway coming.
Kev wondered if you were hungry?

181
00:26:26,559 --> 00:26:30,920
Oh, right. Is this his idea or yours?
Kev's.

182
00:26:34,839 --> 00:26:38,799
This seems bigger than mine.
But you've got a garden.

183
00:26:38,799 --> 00:26:43,799
I told Kev he'd regret not getting
one with a garden. No, you didn't.

184
00:26:43,799 --> 00:26:47,880
Well, me mum said it and she
was right. She's never even been.

185
00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:52,720
You look like you could do with a
bit of sun, Brian. I'm not bothered.

186
00:26:52,720 --> 00:27:00,119
If my son's around, I'm at him
all the time, "Get the cream on!"
And he's like, "Give it a rest!"

187
00:27:00,119 --> 00:27:03,279
Brian, I'm really sorry about...

188
00:27:04,559 --> 00:27:06,880
OK?

189
00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:10,720
Bad tackle, yeah?
If I'd had the ball, yeah.

190
00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:13,440
Well, yeah, bad tackle.

191
00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:18,400
How long were you married, Brian?
Together 14 and married for 2.

192
00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:21,200
See? See? How weird's that?

193
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:28,640
Five blokes, same thing. Years and
years and years together. They get
married, the whole gig turns turtle.

194
00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:35,359
We were kids when we met. We stayed
together cos she got pregnant.
How old's the lad? 13 this year.

195
00:27:37,039 --> 00:27:41,200
Dark-haired lad? Not from my side.

196
00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:43,640
I get him every other week.

197
00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:47,680
That's why I needed the house.

198
00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:47,680
The flat I had was...

199
00:27:53,759 --> 00:27:57,359
So long as this never goes
above shoulder height!

200
00:27:57,359 --> 00:28:05,079
Any of that, you're OUT!
Get off the table! I heard that.
Try it twice, I dare you.

201
00:28:07,839 --> 00:28:12,519
Can I help you? Mate of Brian's. He
reckoned you needed volunteers. Kev?

202
00:28:12,519 --> 00:28:18,279
You said you were short-handed.
Well, yeah, but...
You vouching for him?

203
00:28:19,599 --> 00:28:22,119
Well, yeah. Nothing better to do?

204
00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:29,680
Well, yeah, but, I mean, if it's
just football and pool and stuff,
I don't mind. Looks a decent table.

205
00:28:29,680 --> 00:28:37,119
Thing is, you have to guarantee your
time. Two nights a week, minimum.
Which pitch do you use for footie?

206
00:28:37,119 --> 00:28:40,440
We've got a concession
at Sherman Park.

207
00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:45,279
Cool. Yeah, I'm there most nights
anyway. Got a clean licence?

208
00:28:45,279 --> 00:28:52,279
Yeah. No, three points for cutting
a light. Criminal convictions? No.
Drugs? What you offering?

209
00:28:55,200 --> 00:28:57,519
No.

210
00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:05,160
Fill this in, block capitals.
Last two addresses, date of birth.

211
00:29:05,160 --> 00:29:10,200
Next time, bring four passport
photos and your driving licence.

212
00:29:15,119 --> 00:29:17,759
SHOUTING

213
00:29:42,960 --> 00:29:49,039
Keep up with me, baldy!

214
00:29:42,960 --> 00:29:49,039
Stick together
till we've got the tickets.

215
00:29:49,039 --> 00:29:52,960
When you passed your test,
was there a war on?

216
00:30:22,039 --> 00:30:26,720
If you don't roll it, it's gonna
bounce, innit? Stands to reason.

217
00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:30,759
Let it go as you throw.
All one movement. Watch.

218
00:30:30,759 --> 00:30:34,160
What did you just say!

219
00:30:34,160 --> 00:30:37,480
Say it again!
Come on, I wanna hear it.

220
00:30:40,039 --> 00:30:42,440
Wanker.

221
00:30:50,559 --> 00:30:54,960
Yes! # Take your balls and
shove 'em right on up your arse... #

222
00:30:54,960 --> 00:30:58,440
You're the only arse.
# ..Take your... #

223
00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:02,440
You were born to this, obviously.
They're decent kids.

224
00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:07,279
9/10ths of regional crime. Maybe not
"decent". We've had no murders,

225
00:31:07,279 --> 00:31:12,240
but it's only a matter of time. So
what do you get out of it? A salary.

226
00:31:12,240 --> 00:31:19,599
You're not voluntary? Bugger off!
I'm a social worker. A proper social
worker? That's what the cheque says.

227
00:31:19,599 --> 00:31:25,880
Snatching kiddies at midnight
and all that? I did do family work,
till I got sick of the same faces.

228
00:31:25,880 --> 00:31:30,599
I just do this to keep me hand in.
What's it pay, then? ..Roughly?

229
00:31:32,920 --> 00:31:37,200
£14.50 an hour.
For this? And five years' training!

230
00:31:37,200 --> 00:31:41,680
Jesus! I'm in the wrong job.
I bet you're not.

231
00:32:22,200 --> 00:32:29,119
I wish you hadn't told me. It's only

232
00:32:22,200 --> 00:32:29,119
a bit of fun. Not if you're seeing
her again. What's wrong with it?

233
00:32:29,119 --> 00:32:36,480
I know her husband really well.
That's how I lost my wife. It's no
fun having the piss taken out of you.

234
00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:40,440
It's not like they've got any kids.
So what?!

235
00:32:40,440 --> 00:32:44,559
Right, money out. Play to lose,
I'm a tenner down on the dogs.

236
00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:09,720
SINGING FROM VAN

237
00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:09,720
Hey, they're here! >

238
00:33:22,559 --> 00:33:25,319
Come on, let's have ya!

239
00:33:25,319 --> 00:33:29,319
# Mackintosh is wonderful... #

240
00:33:36,440 --> 00:33:41,119
Hiya! This is such a waste of time.
Half of 'em can't play football.

241
00:33:41,119 --> 00:33:45,279
Yeah, that's why they're always
getting into shit and stuff.

242
00:33:45,279 --> 00:33:52,519
"Let's run 'em ragged so they've no
energy for shoplifting!" Give over!
They'll just learn to run quicker.

243
00:33:52,519 --> 00:33:57,039
You've no hope, you. Cut it out!
Not here. Hiya. Martin. Chris.

244
00:33:57,039 --> 00:34:01,440
I hope your lot are up for it,
cos ours are all knackered.

245
00:34:14,440 --> 00:34:21,440
It's not charity. We're all equal
here. All I want to know is, who
burgled me mam's house last Friday?

246
00:34:21,440 --> 00:34:26,039
For God's sakes, Dad! It's a fair
question. I'm not accusing anybody.

247
00:34:26,039 --> 00:34:29,000
Bet it was him, though.

248
00:34:33,920 --> 00:34:38,159
Come on, Mackintosh!
The kids are all over ya!

249
00:34:38,159 --> 00:34:42,199
Kevin, put your shirt on!
You're frightening the kids.

250
00:34:46,320 --> 00:34:49,000
Come on, Charlotte.

251
00:34:50,159 --> 00:34:52,280
To me. To me, you tosser!

252
00:34:56,039 --> 00:34:58,119
Come on!

253
00:35:01,039 --> 00:35:05,119
Come on, Mackintosh,
you're making a show of yourself!

254
00:35:06,639 --> 00:35:08,639
Offside!

255
00:35:25,599 --> 00:35:27,880
Which circuit went first?

256
00:35:27,880 --> 00:35:32,239
Er, front bedroom first,
but that works more often than not.

257
00:35:32,239 --> 00:35:36,599
Back bedroom light
never worked since. When was this?

258
00:35:36,599 --> 00:35:40,920
About six months back. Six months?
And you never got it fixed?

259
00:35:40,920 --> 00:35:48,320
They charge a fortune. How do
you know I won't? You'll be walking
to work. And I've made you a coffee.

260
00:35:48,320 --> 00:35:51,639
Here we go.

261
00:35:48,320 --> 00:35:51,639
PHONE RINGS

262
00:35:51,639 --> 00:35:57,239
No sugar, Brian,
so I've used a sweetener. Cheers.

263
00:35:59,280 --> 00:36:04,039
So, busy at work? Bit quiet. It'll

264
00:35:59,280 --> 00:36:04,039
speed up for the holidays though.

265
00:36:04,039 --> 00:36:09,320
You going anywhere? We're supposed
to be saving up for a wedding.

266
00:36:09,320 --> 00:36:14,719
Has he asked you to look at the
sockets in here? No, but he will.

267
00:36:18,000 --> 00:36:25,519
Has he spent ANYTHING on this place?
I keep saying and he goes, "I know!"
It's been like this since February!

268
00:36:25,519 --> 00:36:32,280
I'll have to leave that till weekend.
But listen, Babs, I can't
do all this for nothing. He'll pay.

269
00:36:32,280 --> 00:36:36,400
He just never gets round
to organising stuff. Babs!

270
00:36:36,400 --> 00:36:39,000
Except me!

271
00:37:31,159 --> 00:37:36,400
Can you manage on your own for an
hour? Yeah. Help yourself to coffee.

272
00:37:36,400 --> 00:37:43,519
Yeah, right. Where's Babs?
Gone home. Well, it's her fault.
She prances round, playing house.

273
00:37:43,519 --> 00:37:47,719
It's only meant to be weekends.
Seeing Chris?

274
00:37:47,719 --> 00:37:49,800
Thought you'd rather not know.

275
00:39:38,480 --> 00:39:42,519
I wish you'd shut up.
You been to school today?

276
00:39:42,519 --> 00:39:47,119
Yeah. Liar. Where'd you go?
Bet I can guess.

277
00:39:47,119 --> 00:39:51,079
Trafford Centre. No. Arndale.
You're kidding!

278
00:39:51,079 --> 00:39:56,239
I thought you were a pro?
Arndale's the first place they look.

279
00:39:56,239 --> 00:40:00,119
Place is crawling with fat old women
from the Education...

280
00:40:01,239 --> 00:40:04,840
Here we go! ..Pissed again, Bri?

281
00:40:11,480 --> 00:40:14,559
WHISTLE BLOWS

282
00:40:11,480 --> 00:40:14,559
No bombing!

283
00:40:14,559 --> 00:40:18,840
Right you lot, five more minutes!
..Yes!

284
00:40:25,039 --> 00:40:27,800
No! I wouldn't! You were!

285
00:40:39,719 --> 00:40:41,000
No!

286
00:40:57,840 --> 00:41:03,400
..Keep your mouth shut! See how many
mates you got left! What's going on?

287
00:41:04,719 --> 00:41:07,360
Go on. Back in the water.

288
00:41:08,960 --> 00:41:13,039
I caught him going through
thingy's jeans for money - Craig's.

289
00:41:13,039 --> 00:41:18,519
If Craig finds out, he's a dead
man, so I thought I'd better...

290
00:41:18,519 --> 00:41:22,199
He won't try that twice. Little sod.

291
00:41:29,159 --> 00:41:32,440
Kev, will you tell him? Kev!

292
00:41:33,519 --> 00:41:36,519
Craig. Where's your, er, your kit?

293
00:41:36,519 --> 00:41:40,440
It's in me locker.
And where's your key?

294
00:41:42,440 --> 00:41:45,519
And it's still locked? ..Yeah.

295
00:41:45,519 --> 00:41:49,519
You don't know
what I'm talking about, do you?

296
00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:08,159
Good night. See you later.

297
00:42:28,320 --> 00:42:33,360
You go on, Kev. I might as well take
this home if we're using it tomorrow.

298
00:43:03,119 --> 00:43:07,920
What's this?! Sheet.
What size? Double.

299
00:43:07,920 --> 00:43:11,639
It's not.
You've cut 'em ALL too short.

300
00:43:11,639 --> 00:43:17,800
It's not me. I knew something
wasn't right cos I kept getting
to the end of a line too fast.

301
00:43:17,800 --> 00:43:21,320
I only thought it was me
cos I was drinking coffee.

302
00:43:21,320 --> 00:43:26,000
You've cut 1,000 doubles too short
by an inch, you gormless bastard!

303
00:43:26,000 --> 00:43:29,199
It's got
your bloody batch number on it!

304
00:43:43,079 --> 00:43:48,239
Nick, shut the machine. What? Shut
the bloody machine! What've I done?

305
00:43:48,239 --> 00:43:55,119
I want all doubles remeasured by
somebody who's not HIM! All of 'em?

306
00:43:48,239 --> 00:43:55,119
And no break! You can blame him!

307
00:44:06,960 --> 00:44:13,599
You'll have to catch the bus.
Oh, come on. Just sleep on it.
Let Mack sleep on it.

308
00:44:16,119 --> 00:44:18,760
Barney! Are you going by Urmston?

309
00:44:20,000 --> 00:44:24,880
But you wouldn't bust a gut doing
a detour, would ya? Don't be tight.

310
00:44:44,199 --> 00:44:47,079
No rest for the wicked, eh?

311
00:44:51,440 --> 00:44:56,880
Ask the lady for a sweetie
and a snog. Go on! Good night, Barry.

312
00:45:13,400 --> 00:45:18,639
What were you talking to that kid
about? When? Swimming. I told you.

313
00:45:18,639 --> 00:45:20,679
You lied.

314
00:45:33,039 --> 00:45:38,079
Craig's clothes were in his locker.
Why did you have a go at that kid?

315
00:45:42,599 --> 00:45:49,239
I'm right, aren't I? What I saw
on your computer. What you on about?
What I saw in your garden. What?

316
00:45:49,239 --> 00:45:52,239
And what I saw last night.

317
00:45:52,239 --> 00:45:57,320
Cos I thought it, and I couldn't
believe it. "Pringle's into kids."

318
00:45:57,320 --> 00:46:00,360
I mean, not lolly tits.
He's into kids!

319
00:46:02,400 --> 00:46:05,079
Then you greased me round with that.

320
00:46:05,079 --> 00:46:09,079
And you had... I've had you
in my house, you snidey...!

321
00:46:09,079 --> 00:46:13,280
Kev, don't! Come back at me!
Come back at me! Kev!

322
00:46:13,280 --> 00:46:16,519
Come back at me! Go in me bag.

323
00:46:16,519 --> 00:46:23,800
Fucking roller blinds! Roller blinds
up at your window! What're they
about if I've got it wrong, eh?!

324
00:46:23,800 --> 00:46:26,800
Eh, Brian? Brian? Kids!

325
00:46:29,360 --> 00:46:31,480
You've even got a perv's name!

326
00:46:33,480 --> 00:46:39,119
# For tonight I need a friend

327
00:46:41,559 --> 00:46:44,960
# Yesterday is dead and gone... #

328
00:46:44,960 --> 00:46:51,039
Give him a shout if you need some
help, Brian. ..Give him a shout.

329
00:46:51,039 --> 00:46:55,559
# ..It's so sad to be alone

330
00:46:55,559 --> 00:47:01,440
# Help me make it
through the night... #

331
00:47:01,440 --> 00:47:06,159
"Who're you gonna be tonight, Barry?"
"Matthew, I'll be bored shitless."

332
00:47:18,760 --> 00:47:24,440
It's a mess with that lot cos they're
up for a laugh and messing about.

333
00:47:24,440 --> 00:47:27,280
It gets confusing, Kev.

334
00:47:28,679 --> 00:47:31,559
Chris took them last weekend.

335
00:47:45,880 --> 00:47:50,840
Shit sticks, Kev.
Accusations like that really stick.

336
00:47:50,840 --> 00:47:53,760
And you're a mate, so I'd hate to...

337
00:48:06,800 --> 00:48:12,440
You pin me down, I'll take you
with me. ..Know what I mean?

338
00:48:15,599 --> 00:48:20,079
Keep them. ..They're just copies.

339
00:49:33,480 --> 00:49:35,519
Kev?

340
00:49:35,519 --> 00:49:38,199
Kev, what's going on? Kev.

341
00:49:40,360 --> 00:49:44,320
What's the matter? What's happened?
Sit down.

342
00:49:44,320 --> 00:49:47,440
Have you been fired?
Has he fired you?

343
00:49:47,440 --> 00:49:51,199
Come on, what is it?

344
00:49:54,559 --> 00:49:57,239
We were gonna tell you.

345
00:50:00,000 --> 00:50:02,960
Kev! We were gonna tell you! Kev!

346
00:50:02,960 --> 00:50:09,079
Has Mack fired him? Well,
he can't, can he? Not if he's saying
it was a machine fault.

347
00:50:09,079 --> 00:50:14,360
Is it his girlfriend, do you think?
Kev like that? Over a woman?

348
00:50:15,519 --> 00:50:20,320
Welcome to the family, Trudy! Look,
hang on here. I'll be straight back.

349
00:50:45,239 --> 00:50:48,159
Something to say to me?

350
00:51:07,840 --> 00:51:09,880
Kev!

351
00:51:10,920 --> 00:51:13,440
What the hell's...?

352
00:51:13,440 --> 00:51:15,519
Bloody hell, Kev!

353
00:51:17,800 --> 00:51:21,400
That's somebody's husband, innit?

354
00:51:21,400 --> 00:51:25,199
When will you learn,
for Christ's sake?

355
00:51:25,199 --> 00:51:31,719
Trudy said, "Is it his girlfriend?"
I said "No." Never occurred
it might be another one.

356
00:51:31,719 --> 00:51:37,199
Christ knows why! It usually is!
Here, head forward. Don't swallow.

357
00:51:41,719 --> 00:51:45,320
You don't half get yourself
into some shit!

358
00:51:46,559 --> 00:51:49,280
You got any ice?

359
00:51:52,719 --> 00:52:00,559
How do you do it? You'll be 30 soon.
You'd best start practising, Kev,
or you'll end up looking like a joke!

360
00:52:00,559 --> 00:52:04,599
You're like a bloody goldfish,
you know that?

361
00:52:07,559 --> 00:52:10,519
How many times does this need to...?

362
00:52:14,320 --> 00:52:20,559
Cheaper if you marry me, Babs. Yeah,
he eats double, but never changes
his underpants. That's cheap.

363
00:52:20,559 --> 00:52:27,400
I'm quite happy with the one I've
got. Once we have babies, you can
forget about sleeping on our sofa.

364
00:52:27,400 --> 00:52:32,360
Hear that, Kev? Bossy already. You
don't stand a chance! He loves it.

365
00:52:41,519 --> 00:52:49,039
Have you an address I can send
a card to? Not for you, for your
girlfriend! I feel sorry for her.

366
00:52:49,039 --> 00:52:52,960
So that's a no
to a wedding invitation, then?

367
00:53:00,280 --> 00:53:04,960
I lost your number.
It doesn't matter. Honest!

368
00:53:04,960 --> 00:53:07,320
Actually...I lost me bottle.

369
00:53:07,320 --> 00:53:10,760
Do ya fancy a drink some time?

370
00:53:10,760 --> 00:53:13,599
This is Bev. Hiya.

371
00:53:17,199 --> 00:53:22,239
I miss you when you go home. Move
in. We've just started going out.

372
00:53:22,239 --> 00:53:24,920
She can't order me about!

373
00:53:24,920 --> 00:53:29,239
You'll be back in Peasant Crescent.
You snotty get.

374
00:53:29,239 --> 00:53:33,000
Mal's going to kill me!
He'll kick me out!

375
00:54:13,440 --> 00:54:18,000
Subtitles by Mary Easton
BBC Scotland - 2001

376
00:54:18,000 --> 00:54:21,599
E-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk