All right, mate?
You know where you're going, don't you?
Hello, stranger. Bev? Long time, no see.
So what's the score? Big job? I thought it was, but no.
Summat's wedged.
Spool. Thought so. Much damage?
No, don't look like it.
Right, show's over. Chop, chop! Back to work. Come on!
OK!
Mack wants you to look at the compressor. Again? It's not three months since it had an overhaul.
I know. One of our lads, Brian Pringle, gave it the once-over, but it's not the electrics.
He needs a replacement.
I lost your number. Yeah. Sure(!)
Mal?
So we're standing there, minding our own business. Nipped in for a quick one before film started. Any good?
Rubbish. He says, "Girls, there's a party in my trousers and you're all invited!" Party in my what?
Trousers. He was about 60! Sorry. Are you all right?
Fine. I lost your number. It doesn't matter.
Honest. I... Actually, I lost my bottle.
D'you fancy a drink sometime? Or a meal, maybe?
What d'you like? Italian? Chinese?
Indian. When? Tonight?
You're on. I'll pick you up.
Eight? I'll meet you there. You might lose me address.
Shit! Just remembered - that blue blouse, the new one, has got a stain down the front.
Don't look at me. All my stuff's rent-a-tent rejects, in't it?. I didn't say that.
You've got a nice figure. You should show it off a bit, instead of wearing all them baggy... Tents.
I'll have to stick with me suit.
It's tight round the arse, though. I'll have to put my bum-crunchers on. No shenanigans tonight!
One glimpse of my drawers, he'd run a mile.
Sylvia? Mmm?
I've always wondered - did you and Steve do it on the first date?
Look at that. "£25 or nearest offer. Can deliver."
You've not got time for that. It's only training, Dad. I know.
Right. Back about nine, half-nine.
I'm stopping at Nat's. Just stick my tea in the oven. You'll have to see to yourself. I'm going out. Scott!
Ta. D'you mind? No.
We took the pitch over from Rita's mum. Cracking little spot.
You can walk to the beach in six minutes. We'd not had this one long - it's an eight-berther.
We bought it in the April. She died in November.
Shame.
I hung onto it for the lads. God knows why, cos they'd rather stop at home than go on holiday to Anglesey!
But we let the family use it. And mates.
You may as well make a few bob. We don't charge 'em. It'd be sitting there anyway.
Hey, we're last in.
I hadn't realised.
No! Least I could do, after boring the backside off you. Don't be daft! I'll keep my mouth shut next time.
# I know what I know If you know what I mean
# I'm not aware of too many things
# I know what I know If you know what I mean
# Philosophy... #
KNOCKING >
Salvation Army? Tony in? Not since June. He did a moonlight.
With the TV, the video and my nana's sovereign ring, before you ask.
D'you know where where he's gone? What d'you think?
DOORBELL RINGS
I'll get it. ..I'll get it!
Alex? Scott. Bev. ..Hello! Just about to burn the kitchen down.
Come in. Have a drink.
That's Alex. This is Bev.
Hiya!
Bet this has rocketed since you bought it. Cheers.
You've got it lovely. Ta. This is nearly ready.
You'll have to give me the guided tour later.
THUMPS AND SQUEALS FROM UPSTAIRS
Give the girl an Oscar.
Give the guy an oxygen mask.
SHRIEKS OF ECSTASY
TOILET FLUSHES
Coffee? Tea, please.
Morning. Oh, is that the kettle on? Stick another tea bag in, will you?
Oh... Does your dad take sugar?
So, where does your girlfriend live, then? Victoria Park. Oh, this is miles out your way.
It's all right. Is it right here?
Just drop me on the corner.
I'll take you home if you like. No, really. I'm going to the Paki shop for milk. Cheers, you're a star.
See you soon, I hope.
A what party?! Aloe vera. It's a wotsit...you know, a herb.
Yeah, but... What do you do with it? They put it in cream and things. I know. So it's a face cream party?
Not just face cream, no... Saleswoman of the year! Don't pack for the Caribbean just yet!
Wednesday night - what else'd you be doing? Don't bother asking this one. She's never in these days.
Dad? What? Any chance of a lift? I'm supposed to meet Nat at nine.
Where? Cat and Fiddle. She's on her own.
I'll just put these on a low light. Won't be long.
Where you going? Give Alex a lift.
Why can't he get the bus? It's no bother.
I'll just get my shoes on.
A 58's due. Is it? Go now, you'll catch it. Natalie's expecting me at nine. You should've left earlier.
I was busy. If you'd left earlier, your dad could have had his tea.
I don't hear him complaining. Well, you won't! So what's the problem? I'm just saying!
What's up? I was just... Sticking her nose in. You watch your lip!
If my dad has a problem, he lets me know about it. Pack it in!
I'm keeping out of this. Yeah!
Enough! Just cos she's shagging you, she can't order me around. Alex!
Forget it.
Quiet tonight.
I think I'll get going. Going where?
Mrs Kelly's place got screwed last night. They had a go at Mary's an' all, but Billy disturbed 'em.
Only kids, but I don't want to take any chances
I'll come in with you. No, I'm all right. Just a quick check round.
All present and correct. You need a lock on that kitchen window. I know.
I could pick you one up on Saturday. Five minute job, if that. Right.
Right, then. I'll be off. Night.
I'm sorry about...you know.
Don't worry about it.
I'll ring you tomorrow.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Bev!
What?
Move in with me.
Bev?
Take the bloody chain off!
I miss you when you go home. Move in.
We've only been seeing each other five minutes. I haven't been this happy for years.
What about the lads? They're never in. Besides, it's my house.
Say yeah. We'll have a laugh.
What's all this? Dunno. Is Dad having a clear-out for Oxfam?
Are Oxfam that desperate?
Look at 'em! Couldn't wait to get their hands on my knick-knacks.
Erm...
I've asked Bev to move in. I've said yes - in case you hadn't guessed.
Come on. I should've done you breakfast in bed, by rights.
He's taking the piss.
Sylvia, have you got my new address?
There's the number. I won't bother giving you the e-mail address. Ta.
Does that tuna smell right to you? Freda! It's a bit... Fishy?
Yeah.
Right. Just nipping up the office. Tell Trudy, you know, I've moved.
D'you think she's moved house?
RADIO: 'Lancashire was the big winner when the latest round of money was announced today to improve...'
Have you seen my files? Mmm?
'£1 billion of public and private sector money is to be spent on 20 projects...'
Who's that?
My lad, Jamie. He's serving in Kosovo.
You don't go to Rusholme and order a pizza. I didn't fancy a Chinese.
And you didn't get owt. I had a big tea.
She always says this. She'll have about five chip butties and I'll end up with one bite of sausage.
I'm knackered. Stick the kettle on, Nat.
What?
What?!
THE LADS LAUGH HYSTERICALLY
What?!
Why don't you just chuck it in a skip? What?
All my mum's stuff. What?! You're filling the place with crap!
It's like Aladdin's bleedin' cave! Watch your mouth. In front of YOU?! I mean it. This is my home as well.
Six weeks and you'll be back in Peasant Crescent. You snotty git! If your dad could hear you.
What's going on? Nothing. Nothing?! My dad's not stupid.
He's used to better than this. Love's young dream with your mum?
Yeah! Till they shut the bedroom door. What? You're the intellectual.
Nowt to do with you! She wouldn't let him near her. Six years! Slag!
He only stayed cos she was sick.
Alex! You little shit!
I'd have more respect if you took it out on my face. Yeah!
Just leave it. She's not worth it.
You can't!
Alex! I can. She's right. I'd end up chinning the bitch.
He called me a slag. Little bastard.
It just came out. They weren't happy. Not for years.
Mal's gonna kill me.
He'll kick me out. He won't. ..Will he, Sylv?
He won't. He will.
I should've kept my big mouth shut.
CAR ENGINE
I'm sorry.
How could you do that? That was private. Between me and Rita. And me and you. I didn't mean to say it.
Those boys thought the world of their mother. I know. Why spoil that? It wasn't like that!
Who else've you told? I bet it's the talk of the canteen.
Hang on. What's the point? You don't want to listen.
What're you doing? Jumping before I'm pushed. You'll get your case back.
I might be a slag but I'm not a thief. Bev! I lost it. I'm sorry.
But I've had blokes telling me I'm a piece of shit. This is ALEX we're talking about!
They might look like trash, but I've had 'em a long time.
Most of them are from Jamie. Cyprus. Belize.
Blackpool.
That were the first one he bought me. They were on a school trip.
He might've lifted it. You never knew with him. They might patch up.
I mean, I'm not even into teapots. It was just, you know, a little thing we had going.
All they ever do is take.
If they're not tapping you for cash, they're dragging you out to taxi 'em. They wanna grow up.
They don't wanna know about my sex life.
Bev! Don't. I'm not trying to step into Rita's shoes. Nobody thinks that.
The kids do. They'll have to learn!
Wake up, Mal! Look at this house. It's got Rita stamped all over it.
I put my pictures up - I'm trying to muscle in.
We sleep in Rita's bed, for Christ's sake! I can't compete. Bev, please!
I don't even want to try.
Hiya!
Ready for that brew, lads?
What's going on?
What's it look like? We thought we'd have a chippy tea.
I mean, we've been a bit busy.
There you are, mate. Keep the change. Cheers, mate.
They'll be inside. Hey! Some bath that was!
Cat's lick more like. Have I overdone it? I wasn't sure.
You look a million dollars. You're too good for this place.
They won't eat you.
Oh! You all right? Yeah.
MUSIC: "Downtown" by Petula Clark
Hello. Pleased to meet you. Where are the girls? They're over there.
Now, then! Hiya. This is Molly.
Hello, Molly.
THEY EXCHANGE HELLOS
What do you want to drink? I've never been a fan of Artex myself.
Rita was though, wasn't she?
I dunno, was she? It's in every room in the house! I mean, the bedroom ceiling's just...
You know, really in your face.
- Never seen the bedroom ceiling. - Or she's not letting on!
She won't be seeing it again - let's put it that way! You're seeing plenty of it, then, are you? Yes.
- Mal, she's talking about you! - What?
Thought you had a spring in your step! He's not complaining!
No. All I'm saying is the game's not a game any more. Excuse me.
Here, love, when you've a minute.
Under 11's - you should see 'em on a Sunday morning. Mums as well as dads, giving dog's abuse at the ref.
Well, people should support their kids. That's not support.
Hiya, gorgeous. Come to give you a hand. We're OK.
You can have this. I'm off down the boardroom - where the big nobs hang out. Big nobs!
You happy?
Are you? I love you. You know that, don't you?
Yeah. No, but really.
That's it, folks.
Talk about short arms and long pockets! Every pound's a prisoner!
All right, all right! Come back to ours. We've got plenty of booze.
He's just gone faint. I've an early start in the morning.
Bollocks to that! Crack your face for once in your life!
MUSIC: "Hippy Hippy Shake" by Swinging Blue Jeans
Look who I've found!
What're you doing in? He lives here.
He was studying. Well, trying to. What? On a Saturday night?
Exam. If he was downloading porn off the Internet, I'd have understood!
What are we gonna do with him? Sue, have you got a daughter we can fix him up with?
Here, Scott. Have a beer. My Jamie was the opposite. You couldn't keep him in of a night.
I wonder why(!)
Come on, Scott, let's have some dance music!
# De-de-de-de-dee! #
Teach us old ones how it's done! I think you've done enough dancing for one night. I haven't!
Let's get you upstairs.
Is that an invitation?
Night, all!
Oh, goodnight.
ALL: Goodnight.
BEV WHOOPS AND GIGGLES
Oi...come back to bed.
Still speaking to me, then?
Not a bad club, that Legion. Yeah. It's been done up. ..You're only down the road, aren't you, Sylvia?
Not far. You should bring Steve down one night. We had a right laugh.
They're a real friendly crowd. And, you know, I felt like I'd known 'em all for years.
We sank a few. Half the night's a blur.
But I woke up walking like John Wayne, so it must've ended up OK!
It went into a skid and the wheels locked. The car was a write-off.
Sorry we're late. Who are you talking about? We went
to that new Italian. Very nice.
Was it? ..Ran that lighting shop. Twin girls.
Blonde?
That's the one.
Who's this you're talking about?
Great crack last night. Your missus can't half lay on a spread. She has her uses!
My head this morning, though - banging! What was in that trifle - moonshine?
And this clown? Grafting on a Friday night? I hope it was worth it, you grasping get!
I'm sorry about that. Bit of a mix-up. She was meant to ring you.
Well, we couldn't have made it, anyway. Bev was out with some of her mates from work.
Parr Street, please. Off Ash Road.
You've hardly said two words since you got here. Sue and John had a do last night. A meal or something.
Molly and Charlie were there. Oh.
There was a mix-up, apparently. They were supposed to ring us, John said.
But they told Charlie I was working.
Can you turn around, please? No! Turn round. You're not going back in there. Watch me!
I mean it. You're not going back. Just leave it.
How many free holidays have they had off you? What's that got to do with it? They're finished!
Give it a rest, will you? ..I thought you were having an early night?
There was a good film on. I'm going up.
What are you doing, Dad? Don't start. I've had it up to here.
D'you think me mum would've liked her?
What kind of stupid question's that?! I'm asking. Your mother's dead!
I'm still here.
She's taken ten years off me.
She makes me laugh.
She listens. WE listen.
Dad...
You know what we think of you.
You're never here.
Is that it?
Did you know your dad could walk on his hands?
He tells a good joke - just the one! And he's fantastic in the sack.
Oh, turn your nose up all you like.
I wish I'd met him years ago.
He deserves a life an' all, you know.
Oh, ta, love.
It's getting to you, all this. It'll all blow over.
That's families for you. Humph! Not MY family.
Any families with teenagers in. End of the world one minute, all smiles the next. Goes with the territory.
They're not kids, Bev, they're adults. And they're all I've got.
You've got me. They're all the FAMILY I've got.
COUGHING
How late? Three weeks. You won't tell anyone, will you?
Hey, Julie!
Up the stick. You?!
Ow!
What you reading? Magazine. ..There's room here.
I don't know if I can face this. It looks ropey. But you've got to eat.
Well...yeah. You should.
You may as well tell her.
I'm pregnant. Never!
What was that? Bev's pregnant.
Nice one, Ju. You're kidding!
Don't look so amazed. I'm not that old. What are you, about 43?
Thirty-eight! ..Just. That's no age these days.
I don't envy you. Look at our Lillian. She were 46! Good Catholics.
Little fella come out with six toes on one foot. Freda!
He's a smashing little swimmer.
What I don't get is, how did it happen?
Have a word!
No, I don't mean... You know what I mean!
Oh, cheers. I need it. So when are you gonna tell Mal?
Maybe I should just get rid of it and not tell him.
Are you sure he won't want it? No. But I'm pretty sure I don't. A baby, at my age?
How?
I mean... I thought you were on the pill?
I was. I AM.
These things happen. You just never think it's gonna happen to you.
I'm sorry.
I'm just gobsmacked.
Being a dad again after all these years.
It takes some getting used to.
Not if I get rid of it.
The sooner, the better. Then we can get back to normal.
Should you be doing that?
This is a really big decision. We shouldn't rule anything out. Not yet.
Smelly nappies?
Walking the floor at four in the morning?
Screaming and crying - and that'd just be me.
We've done all that. We both have. We don't want to do it all again.
You owe me one.
They reckon it keeps you young.
It wouldn't be like the first time, when you don't know its head from its tail. We'd be more confident.
We'd be more knackered. We'd share more. I hardly did a tap for my two.
I gave them a bottle, but I never changed their nappies. I never bathed them.
It'll be much easier this time round.
You'll feel trapped. People'll say things.
It'll start eating away. You know - "Did she do it on purpose?" I can't go through all that again.
I'm not gonna dump you.
Bev, I'm not gonna dump you.
Hiya! She's been OK today. A bit peaky, but OK.
Oh, am I getting a lift home? Yeah. I'm honoured. You've told the girls.
Only some of them. Does that mean...?
No. Nothing's changed, Mal.
Sod it! I was gonna wait till we got home.
Here.
Will you marry me, Bev?
You know what this is? Classy.
It must've cost you a fortune. I can't believe you got me ring size right!
What? What's up? We're gonna regret this, years to come. Eh?
I don't mean this! I just mean doing it in the car park. I should've waited till I'd got you on my own.
No. That's you. It's perfect.
So now we've got to decide when. Before the baby?
What - and look fat on the photos?!
MAL LAUGHS
Natalie wants to know can she do anything? Drink her beer and keep you out from under our feet.
Be ready in five minutes, tell them.
Right. Ta.
Thanks.
What's all this in aid of, then?
Why are you so cynical? Maybe she just wants to build a few bridges.
Dream on! Maybe the squaddie's moving in. That'd be a laugh. Hilarious(!)
Jamie. He's in... Strangeways. She got a birthday card off him.
So he CAN write, then? ..Nat, look. Look nice in our living room, that!
Snob. And remember, it's MY living room.
I've had my wrist slapped. Forgot the nibbles.
I hope you're hungry. I could eat a scabby-headed horse.
You've tried Bev's cooking, then? Hey! I heard that.
Pushing the boat out. Well...
we've got a little announcement.
We're getting married.
Oh.
That's not all. You're going to have a little brother or sister.
You dickhead. Alex, leave it.
What is your problem, Dad? Not the lecture about the birds and bees?
She's pulling you by the plonker! Do you not think I've a mind of my own?
D'you really want me to answer that? She's right - you're a cocky little toe-rag!
Oh, if she says it, it must be right then, mustn't it(?) Go, then,
if that's what you're gonna be like!
Oh, come here. I'm sorry.
If they were girls, I could understand it. You know - girls and their mums, it's special.
It's nothing to do with my mum!
It's not Mum, it's HER!
Mal? It's obvious. Blokes she's had? You don't get pregnant by accident.
Stop it! For Christ's sake, stop it NOW!
SHE'S done this! Go on - get out! You're as bad as your brother.
BANGS AND MOANS FROM UPSTAIRS
Let's get something straight. You don't like me? Fine. You're not marrying me.
All you've got to do is pass me on the stairs if you want to stay here.
So, we'll start again then. What do you want for breakfast? Toast?
Please.
It's all right, Mal. Really. It's all right.
MUSIC: "You Sexy Thing" by Hot Chocolate
Right. Who's having what? Same again.
And me. I'll give you a lift. No, honestly, I love it.
Love the colour. It's just a shame it's gotta go back.
It's a 16.
Yeah? I'm only a 12. You what?!
People make that mistake, but I'm deceptive. I've got a narrow back.
Putting it away tonight a bit, aren't you? You wanna be careful.
What?
WHAT?
Nothing!
What's so funny? I can't tell you. It's a secret. What's a secret?
I'm not! Not what?
You're not pregnant?!
I just said that!
You're having me on.
Tell me you're having me on. Your face!
# Why does it feel, why Why does it feel, why
# Why does it feel so good?
# If this ain't love... #
Look at Laughing Gas! What's up with you? Nowt!
This'll cheer you up - it's your shout. Tia Maria and coke and...
Orange juice. Orange juice?!
Please.
Why? Why what?
Why what?! Why'd you lie about something as big as that?
You know what fellas are like. No. They trundle along, same old groove, for years, if you let 'em.
They need a little nudge. It worked, didn't it? 24-carat proof!
Mal's a really nice bloke. I wanna hang onto him. By lying?
And you've never told the odd porky? "Odd porky"?! This is a BABY!
He might have noticed nine months down the line! You'll get arrested, carrying on like that!
Come on! Get in, Julie.
I'm fine. I'll get a taxi. I'll run you. But it's the opposite direction.
Get in! ..Did you have a good time? Yeah.
You all right, love? Tired.
Next stop, the chippy!
RADIO IS ON
Shall I ring the doctor's? No.
It's nothing I can put my finger on. Morning sickness, probably. Cos I can take the day off work.
No! I'll go back to bed for a bit. I'll be fine.
You've got my mobile number? Yes. Stop worrying!
You'll be late!
Go on, then. Get yourself off to bed.
# Boom, boom, boom, boom I want you in my room
# Let's spend the night together Now until forever... #
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Mal! Can you get it for us?
All right.
Hello? ..Is that you, Bev?
Everything all right? ..Mal!
What's up? She's at the hospital.
Bev!
What are you doing?
I wanna go home. What happened? What did the doctors say? Just get me away from this place.
But what about the baby?
I'm sorry. ..I'm so, so sorry.
They're lovely. Thanks, Scott.
Got you these. In case you were bored.
Thanks, love.
I'm...I'm really sorry.
Why don't you put them in water, son?
He's a good kid, in't he?
Hey!
Hey, come on!
What's up?
You're not gonna want me any more.
Bev!
Collection for Bev. We'll send her some flowers. I've not got me purse.
Will I put a couple of quid in for you? Please yourself.
'More of that later. But first, I'd better tell you...'
You all right?
What's this?
Read it.
St Lucia? Mal?
10th to the 24th of February.
Get the time off sorted. We're in lumber if someone else books. Can't have a wedding without the bride.
Wedding?
St Lucia?! Oh, Mal!
She's landed on her feet here. Have you seen the upstairs? No.
Go and have a nose. I'll mind your glass.
Bathroom's on your left.
FORK CLINKS AGAINST GLASS
Ladies and gentlemen. No big speeches.
My fiancee and I would just like to thank you for all the presents and cards and good wishes.
But most of all, for your support.
It's times like this you find out who your real mates are and, well...
they're all here. Have a drink, raid the buffet. Bev'll be doing the rounds with the wedding list.
That were a joke, by the way!
SUBDUED LAUGHTER
The only present I want is standing right next to me.
For the rest of my life, I hope. I'm blushing.
So...ladies and gentlemen...
friends and family, raise your glasses, please...
to Bev.
ALL: Bev!
Cheers, everyone!
What are you doing, still at home? We're waiting to go!
Our Lindsay hasn't come home. Where is she?
I'll kill Julie!
So? They're your kids. Debatable! You wouldn't recognise 'em.
You're getting on me tits, Freda.
Me bag! He's got me bag!
Hiya. 'She's left nothing behind. They've not even got pyjamas.'
Fantastic!
Jesus, no! Gary, come down! ..Gary!
Does Mark know? No!
I nicked the fabric from work.
So?
# Sex bomb, sex bomb You're my sex bomb... #
A bloke's taking the kids!
Oh, God!
Subtitles by Valery Tough BBC Scotland 2001
E-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk