This programme contains some scenes of a sexual nature.
DOG BARKS
DOG GROWLS
EXCITED BARKING
Nice one(!)
CRASH!
Faster! Faster!
Come on, girls!
Let's call it a night. Dad, you've got to catch us first.
BOTH: You can't catch us! # Slowcoach! Slowcoach, can't catch us! # You'll never be up for school.
Is he still looking?
MICROPHONE SCREECHES
Get to sleep!
Oh, no!
Come on, Keano. ..Just stay there and don't make a sound. What's up?
I was just about to come looking for you.
I've told you, if I'm on patrol, beep your horn. The dog could have had you.
The only thing that dog'll have is a shite.
It's like Blackpool up there.
I'll go and switch them off while you put the kettle on. No. Don't. Why not?
Scarey dog on the loose(?) No, no. I'll do it in a minute.
Suit yourself.
So, did you get your baby-sitter in the end?
Oh, yeah.
It was all a bit sudden, wasn't it?
You know what women are like for "acting on impulse."
It's not going to be a regular thing, is it?
Oh, no, no.
I said I'll go next week as well. Aww, Mum!
It was supposed to be a one-off. But I enjoyed it. Two games I was sweating on one number.
Can't you go when the kids are at school? Eva works in t'day.
I'd have no-one to go with. I thought Trudy was looking after them. That was a one-off.
Don't you think I'm entitled to one night out a week?
I'll pay you. I told you last week...
Name your price. Product specs?
Blue binder. Top shelf. ..I can't take your money. You only get £3.70 an hour.
Do it for free, then! I don't even like kids. Neither do they!
You'll get on like a house on fire. Have you finished the maintenance records? Nearly.
How are you getting on? I'll be a while.
Well, take your time. I'm in no hurry. Shall I make us all a coffee?
I'll do it. No, let me. I'm neither use nor ornament here. Oh, I wouldn't say that.
How do you take it, Mack?
Eh?
Oh, er, milk, one sugar. Cup's on my desk.
Who's she?
My sister.
What's she doing here? Giving me a lift home...she SAYS.
She's good with kids. Why not ask her?
I'd have to get to know her first. You're my only hope, Trude. Please.
It's only going to be one night a week.
Oh, go on, then.
You'll need someone else next week, though. I'll take you for a drink.
No! I'm not trying to get off with you again.
So how are you managing, Mack?
On your own, I mean.
Er, yes, fine, thanks. Only I know when I split with Trevor...
Janice, no offence, but I've got the auditors in first thing tomorrow.
Yes. I can see you're busy. Sure there isn't anything else I could do to help?
Do you know anything about ISO9000?
No.
Then I don't think so, do you?
How about if I treat you to a proper drink? Help you unwind.
It's a nice offer. Thanks a lot.
But I'm not really ready for all that.
OK.
Fine.
Just the coffee, then. Yeah. Thanks.
Dad, we don't need a baby-sitter. Why can't you look after us?
Because if I get caught... But we had a laugh. And we didn't tell Nan, did we?
Hello.
Apart from anything else, I don't like the flat being empty of a night.
So Trudy's looking after you. That is final! OK.
And Greta takes the corner at 180 miles an hour!
Grace is gaining ground AND this is, without doubt, THE most exciting
Mackintosh Textiles Grand Prix we've seen SINCE the last one.
She's cheating!
200 miles an hour! 250! They're breaking the speed barrier!
There's going to be a crash!
You could do worse than Barry.
Who? Barry. From our place. The fella you were supposed to baby-sit for?
That's him. He's a security guard.
So?
Do you think I've got no ambition left?
He's reliable. He stands up his own baby-sitters.
He's a nice fella. His heart's in the right place. I think you two would hit it off.
A loser with two kids. What kind of a prospect is he?
Dad! Put Steps back on. Come on. You've had your two minutes.
What's up with you now?
It's...it's...
It's 23 points. They need a telephone claim.
Have you found it yet?
It changes the way people look at you, you know. I know. Greta had it last! No, I didn't!
You did the phone-in competition on SMTV. I didn't! They tell you to ask permission first!
Come on, girls. I need that phone. It's important.
They'll be like flies round muck. They'll break in again when they know there's something worth pinching.
We could move house. You were born in this house.
We don't have to move far, do we? Could look into it, I suppose. But it'll take time.
I'm going to ban you both from using that bloody thing. It was HER who lost it!
I can buy them one each now if this is right. No. Until we get ourselves fixed, carry on as normal.
Don't say a word to anyone. Do you hear me? OK, Mam. You're the boss!
Yes!
Yes! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
YES! Get in.
Get in.
All the best. See you later.
Cheers, mate.
Fancy going for a pint this Saturday?
On me? Sorry, Barry. I've got something on. A woman? Yeah.
Oi! Softshite! Don't let people do that to your dog!
Do what? Stroke it! It's only Martin. He's a mate. You might as well patrol with a poodle!
You know what you are, don't you? You're a pet!
Don't talk to her like that. Why? Is it gonna hurt her feelings(?) Just don't.
What's got into you, big fella?
Nothing. Well, you want to knock all that answering back on the head.
You all right? I could give all this up tomorrow. Oh, yeah?
Got another job(?) I could live on £387 a week
for a whole year without doing a tap. How come?
You promise not to tell anyone?
Come on. You've got me interested now.
I've won £20,000 on the pools.
According to Martin, Barry's had a bit of a windfall. I'm not interested in Barry.
I know. Think I'm a gold-digger? I was just telling you about my day. How was your day?
I got stung. Someone do a runner? No! I got stung by a wasp.
What kind of windfall?
A lot of money.
Inheritance? He won it. The Lottery? Barry wouldn't get far on Who Wants to be a Millionaire?
It was a rollover this week. He doesn't want anyone to know yet.
He's scared they might start treating him different.
TOOTS HORN
Hiya, I've come to pick Trudy up. She's gone home. Everyone's gone.
Has she had her car fixed? It's been fixed for days. She tells me nothing.
Sorry. I've come all this way, and now I'm gonna have to go straight back.
Eh...
I can make you a quick brew, if you like.
Yeah!
Yeah? Right. Just a minute.
I've got a telly, a play station, I've got to do a patrol every hour.
You get used to it. You can't have much of a social life.
I'm free most weekends. Yeah?
Me, too.
What about this weekend?
What about it?
Are you free then?
Hey! Hey!
I've just ironed them!
This is no good!
Hey, listen! Give up fighting!
Hey, right! Calm down.
Dad, she'll love it. I mean it! She'll love it.
That shirt doesn't look right. She'll love this.
Good.
This! This one. No, this one. Take no notice. She's got no taste.
You must get lonely. I've got Keano.
The dog? Mm.
Her name's Janice and she's an alcoholic.
I'd prefer to work with a dog
than a man, any day. They're loyal - dogs. More than can be said for men!
Not ALL men.
Most. What, did your husband run off with someone else, like?
It was money that split me and Trevor up.
He ripped me off. Took every penny.
But I don't care.
Everything I need is up here. Money doesn't matter.
I don't care too much for money cos money can't buy me love.
Boom-boom!
Do you want me to walk you to the door?
I can manage.
We should do this again sometime. Give me a ring. Really? When Trudy's at work.
You're not ashamed of me, are you? No. I just like my privacy.
See you.
I think I've hit the jackpot there, mate.
My girls are coming for a week when term finishes. It'll be a squeeze in that house.
By the time their course is finished, I hope to have a little house.
Somewhere in Cheshire, with a bit of luck.
If money was no object, where would you like to live?
Pardon? Where would you like to live if you had the money?
I sleep while the kids are at school. That's my routine.
I don't like being yawned at! I'm sorry.
Am I boring company?
No. Our second date and you could hardly keep your eyes open. I don't think there's a future for us!
Don't you ever get tired after a big meal?
I'll get a taxi home in case you fall asleep at the wheel!
Don't dump me cos I work nights. It's hard enough to meet women...
You work in a factory full of women. They've gone home when I clock on. Like ships that pass in the night.
Hi, Barry. Oh, hiya. Julie from work. Yeah.
You look smart. Been splashing out?
Eh...no...eh...
I bought it for a funeral. Going past our place? I'm late already. Eh...
Taxi!
Yes, yes, go on, get in. I'll be back in a minute. Cheers, Barry. You're one in a million!
Hi. We're going to Heathcote Cottage.
You haven't given me a proper chance. I'm not on nights forever.
Will you take the lady home, please? Keep the change.
Frank said I could store it in the gatehouse until I go home tonight.
I'm not on duty, you know. I'm meant to be in bed!
You don't mind though, do you?
How was the film?
Nothing special.
There's an open bottle of wine in there, if you fancy a glass. Oh, thanks.
Why do they always pick on me? Just hit them back.
It only makes it worse.
Have you told your teacher?
That makes it worse as well.
They'll get bored of it in the end.
We're only going to the Crown. You can tag along, if you want. No, thanks.
Shall me and you go out this weekend, then?
Maybe. I'll see how I feel. I was thinking of visiting the girls. OK.
Whatever. See you later. Bye.
'When 32 pages includes an imprisonment...'
TV PROGRAMME CONTINUES
CAR HORN BLARES
What do you want?
I'm sorry about this afternoon.
Have you always worked nights? I started off doing days.
But my old boss, Shufty, thought it'd be more convenient if I moved to nights.
Why? He was shagging my wife at the time.
Seriously?
They have to ring you to check you're OK. Shufty used to ring me from my own bedroom.
That's terrible!
I'm so unlucky with women.
I didn't even get to sleep with Mack's wife.
I've got to do a patrol now.
Oh.
Do you want to come?
I keep hearing noises.
There's always noises. Every building breathes.
Don't you ever get scared? I wouldn't like to do it without Keano. But if robbers broke in,
I'd only have to say three little words and problem solved.
And what words are they? Help yourself, lads.
What happened to your wife? Where is she now?
Jail. What for?
Her and Shufty tried to knock off a warehouse in Salford.
An inside job. They did the job and ended up inside. Boom-boom.
How did you end up married to someone like that? Dunno.
Her first husband used to hit her. I think she just fancied a change. And I'm very good in bed.
When you connect this,
the time gets recorded back at the office. Proves you've been on patrol.
Everyone reckons she's the brains.
They reckon Mack would've gone bankrupt years ago without Trudy.
People have been telling me stuff like that since my school days. Every teacher I ever had.
"You'd never know you were Trudy's sister." Don't you get on?
She's my sister. I love her to death. But sometimes I feel like strangling her. You know how it is.
I'm an only child, me.
You're better looking than she is.
Come here.
Why?
Why do you think?
Oww! Oh, sorry. Take it easy!
My teeth are caught in your earring. Mick's here!
Got to go. Do you want to take my ear with you?
I'm sorry.
Sorry. I was on patrol. Come here.
I've got something to show you.
SNARLING
Now, THAT...IS a dog!
If softshite here ever went for an intruder, it would come back with a stick.
KEANO WHIMPERS
Lock it up before it shits its load, and then I'll show you what this fella can do.
Come on, good boy, down you come! Come on, boy.
What are you looking so worried for? He's muzzled, isn't he?
I'm happy with my dog, Mick. You sound a bit funny.
Eh...I've been to the dentist. My mouth's numb.
What do you think? A manstopper! He won't go for your arm.
That's no good. The bastards are wise to that.
They pack their sleeves with magazines and shit.
He's trained to go for your legs. Or your throat.
Who's a good boy?
DOG GROWLS
You'll rip a robber's throat out, won't you?
Barry.
Catch!
I had two muzzles! You're sick!
I had it tucked under me arm!
You should have seen your face.
He'll not be back. Are you sure?
He'll just ring. You don't think he'll try to surprise you? No.
Thanks.
Your gum's bleeding. It's all right.
Just my luck. What? I've copped off with a vampire.
I'm no vampire.
You can't be. Why?
Garlic breath.
You haven't got a clue, have you? What's up?
I like garlic. If you think I'm snogging you now, you've got another think coming.
I'm sorry. I love it. I eat it all the time.
I'm sorry. I make stupid jokes. Especially when I'm nervous.
I know it wasn't funny, but...
I didn't mean any harm. The garlic wasn't putting me off.
And I would love...
I would really love...
to kiss you. Right here, right now.
Well, go on, then.
Don't you get bored doing that? No. I like it.
Really?
Yeah.
Why?
A good orgasm...
is like a good laugh. In what way?
Having one's great, but making someone else have one's even better.
And you don't mind if you...
if YOU don't?
I was hoping we hadn't finished.
CHANGES CHANNELS
# Security That's all I want from you
# All night
# Security, yeah
# And a little love that will be true... #
Cheers.
All right. See you later. Cheers.
# Those tender lips, you know They tell me that...
# You're the one for me
# How can I forget?
# How can I forget, yeah?
# We're just milkin' it so bad, now, baby
# Everything is gonna be all right... #
MUSIC DROWNS THEM OUT
Ah! Got you! All right. We're quits.
But it is... It's nearly three o'clock in the morning.
Oh...!
KEYS RATTLE
WORKMAN SHOUTS:
Looking good, Trude!
It's nothing to do with his money. I never said it was. It's what you were thinking.
I said you'd make a good couple before he won any money. I'm not so sure. We've not much in common.
So it's just sex then, is it? Who said anything about sex?
You were out all night. We were talking all night!
Do you really think we're compatible?
He's a nice bloke. He IS a nice bloke.
He's tall, good-looking... he'd do anything to please you.
So you won't be dumping him straight away, then? He's just not the sort of bloke I saw myself with.
And Trevor was(?)
I'm meeting his family tomorrow. I'm baby-sitting for him.
My God! It must be serious!
Where's my glasses? >
Barry! Get me my glasses!
Have you got kids, Janice?
Two. Both at college.
You don't look old enough.
She's lost her glasses. Can't wait for these two to go away to college.
You'll be dead by then. Hey! I'll haunt you if I am!
She's too thick to go to university. Owwww!
Come on! Barry, I'm still waiting for my glasses.
GIRLS SQUABBLE
Get off! Get off me!
I want you to be good for Janice.
Will you take us into work again next Thursday?
If you're good, I'll think about it.
If we're bad, Janice won't do it again, and you'll have to. No. I'll get someone else.
Oww! Get off. Get off me!
Stop it! Now!
I hate you.
No, you don't. I do. You don't. She does. But not as much as I hate HER.
You only think you hate her. What do YOU know? I've got a sister. Big deal(!)
You think you hate her now. But if things get bad for you, she might be the only person you can turn to.
If things ever get bad for her, I'll just laugh! I used to pick on my sister,
just like you're doing. Do you know why? No, and I don't care.
Cos I got picked on in school. So I used to take it out on Trudy. That's what SHE does. Has my dad told you?
No. He's got no right. Nobody's told me anything. I don't believe you.
So you ARE getting bullied?
No. There's only one way to deal with bullies. Hit them back(?) Tell the teacher(?)
Succeed. Do better than them. Have a better life, more money. That is a load of crap.
Joanne Bibby used to make my life hell at school. A couple of years ago, I saw her.
She was working on a supermarket till.
After that, whenever I wanted cheering up, I'd go there and buy myself
loads of expensive little luxuries.
Smellies. Creams, nice moisturisers...
make-up, shower gels, aromatherapy oils...
and the biggest box of condoms that they had.
And then I'd take the whole lot to Joanne Bibby's counter, and pay for it with my gold card.
I'd introduce myself. In return, do you know what she'd do to me?
What? Be polite.
Are they asleep?
Yes. If Greta asks you tomorrow, you never mentioned to me that she was getting bullied.
Did she tell you? Sort of. She must have taken a shine to you. What do you think of them?
Honest opinion? Yeah. I think they need a good hiding.
What? Hit 'em?!
They need a bit of discipline. They need a mother.
And they need to get out of this place. Janice! She's pinched my duvet!
I couldn't hit them. I could!
I've never known these two shop for these sort of things.
Must be your feminine influence.
How long have you worked here?
12 years. Are you married? No.
Can't you get a husband? Grace! ..I'm sorry! ..The lady might not want a husband.
Are you a lesbian? Will you two behave yourselves?!
Are these two with you?
Gorgeous, aren't they? But cheeky with it.
£36.43, please.
Thanks.
Come on.
Are you two still awake?
Janice wants to say good night to you before she goes.
Thanks for a lovely day.
You will both look even more beautiful in the morning!
Night!
Good night. Bye! Bye!
Bye, Janice! Bye, Janice!
You shouldn't have let them go to bed in that stuff.
It won't do any harm. What are you going to do about Greta? I'm dealing with it. How?
We're moving house. Can you afford to?
See, the thing is, I've come into a bit of luck recently. Have you? Yeah. These last few weeks...
have been the best ones of my life. I've met you...
and...believe it or not... I've won some money.
20 grand! What? Barry! 20 grand, he won!
So?
YOU KNEW!
How much have YOU got, Janice?
I've spent more than that on a car! You couldn't now, though.
You bastard.
I'm sorry. I just thought you'd like him once you got to know him.
Not good enough for you, though! He's... Your cast-off! Think I should settle for that?
No. I'm sick of you always looking down at me. I don't!
Trying to organise my life for me.
You have to organise everything -
the factory, Dad, my life! How am I organising your life?
Trying to marry me off to the first available geek.
Telling you about the money was just to get you together, that's all.
You think I'm so shallow, so greedy... When have I said that? When I went off with Dad's money,
that was Trevor's doing, not mine. I know that. I came back to give you your half!
If I was so obsessed with money... I know this! So why do you make me feel guilty? I've never mentioned it!
Why didn't you tell me how much Barry had won? Why does it matter?
Leave me alone!
Look, forget about the money.
If things haven't worked out with Barry, then they haven't worked out. I was wrong.
Do you know how hard it is to be your sister?
You've always been so...sorted. Whereas you were just the pretty one.
It was easy being YOUR sister. You had blokes calling for you and I had homework. You played and I worked.
And for what? I'm a secretary. You run that factory!
I'm a secretary.
My best features are false. What you were born with, I had to pay for. You think I'm so sorted?
Well, no. Sorry.
You've just got a downer on yourself at the moment, that's all.
It's time you realised you're not as bad as you think you are.
I'm used to money.
I hate having to get up early and sit out there in all kinds of weather
and sell those fucking flowers.
I want something better.
And I am not ashamed of that.
Just those?
Thanks.
£9.99, please.
PHONE RINGS
Oh, sorry.
Hello? Only me!
Do you fancy coming round to the factory again tonight?
No, Barry.
All right. Don't worry.
I'm really sorry. I don't think it's going to work out.
Right.
Plenty more fish in the sea, eh?
I'm sorry. I'll see you around.
Right. See ya.
Bye.
I'm waiting for my change.
I'm sorry.
Penny.
Coming, ready or not.
These are for you.
Thanks.
Told you we should've got chocolates. You never! Are they off your dad? No. Us.
It's cos of us that you finished with Dad, isn't it? No. We're usually the reason.
Why did you do it? It's nothing to do with you two. I promise. Now just leave me alone.
Just tell us why.
Money?! What are you doing? Of all the stupid...!
Are you allergic to it or something? I'm doing the tea.
You find out I've won 20 grand, and next thing I know, I'm dumped.
You've got the wrong end of the stick.
Think this changes me? If this is the problem, get rid of it.
Go on.
Right! I'll burn the bloody stuff. What are you doing?
Proving a point.
Stop it! Are you stupid?! I don't want it. You need it.
You're going to buy a house. You've got kids to think of.
You've no right to do that. This can make a difference to you.
It can get you out of that shithole you're living in!
It can get you a good holiday. It can't buy me love.
It wasn't enough to.
FIRE ALARM RINGS
How much is enough?
I don't know.
A million? Two million?
Ten? There's not enough money in the world for that.
Here. Buy a house. Get a life. I want to buy a house.
Good. You still can, thanks to me.
And I want to come off nights and I want to see you again. Just because you say it won't work out...
I am sick of doing what other people tell me to do. I say it WILL work out!
Money has changed you. YOU'VE changed me.
Would you really burn £20,000 to get me back? I love you!
You don't even know me. I think I can make you happy.
So what do you think?
Is everything all right? The tea's ruined, that's all.
If you change your mind, you know where I'll be.
I won't ask. I'm not interfering. Good.
CAR HORN BLARES
Come on, hurry up, softshite!
And you owe me a tenner.
Why?
I've got your pizza. What pizza? A 12-inch Hawaiian with extra olives and two garlic bread.
You must be starving. Are you? No.
They're cold. Micro them and I'll share them. The lad said he'd been shouting you for 20 minutes.
Dopey sod!
Mick, I need you to cover me for half an hour.
You what? I need half an hour.
You've got no chance.
I resign, then.
You can't do that! I can.
OK. Half an hour. But that's all.
Thanks.
Hello.
All right, fellas? Ronnie, you're ready to go, mate. Let's get the show on the road!
# Trailer for sale or rent Rooms to let, 50 cents
# No food, no phone, no pets King of the road! #
This has got "inside job" written all over it.
It's got to be a professional job.
People say he's in on it. People talk crap. Ronnie's straight as they come.
What's happened to your face? Bit of bother.
Bastard!
He's got a disabled wife, he wouldn't get involved.
That's exactly the sort of person who WOULD get involved.
Subtitles by Janice Hamilton BBC Scotland, 2001
E-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk