1 00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:40,640 Thanks, love. Don't wear yourself out before tonight. Sounds hopeful. 2 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:43,159 You'd better believe it. Mmm. 3 00:00:43,159 --> 00:00:48,000 Don't get your tongue trapped in his false teeth, Sally! Get out! 4 00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:52,000 They'll behave tonight, I promise. Are you sure? 5 00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:56,159 Look, I'm not having you sitting there on your 40th, 6 00:00:56,159 --> 00:01:01,640 with two old aunties in an empty pub and a disco playing the Birdie Song! 7 00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:07,480 It could be cosy! We need a few rabble-rousers to get up and boogie. 8 00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:11,879 One thing this lot can do is rouse a bit of rabble. All right! 9 00:01:11,879 --> 00:01:14,480 Here, take the invites. 10 00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:17,400 See you later. Bye. 11 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:23,039 There's cash behind the bar, so get there early. Is it one drink each? 12 00:01:23,039 --> 00:01:25,599 You'll be all right. Don't worry! 13 00:01:25,599 --> 00:01:30,599 Susie, if you fancy a bit of old, that's the place. 14 00:01:30,599 --> 00:01:35,640 Your lads'll be there, won't they? They're fit. Which one d'you fancy? 15 00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:42,359 Both of 'em. They're not ready for you. I'll be gentle. That I find hard to believe! 16 00:01:42,359 --> 00:01:47,840 Here, Ralph. More fun than playing with yourself in front of Channel 5! 17 00:01:47,840 --> 00:01:50,560 Hey, watch where you're going! 18 00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:55,680 But it'll be full of sad old gits like you. Scared you can't keep up? 19 00:01:55,680 --> 00:02:02,799 It won't turn into a middle-aged orgy?! We wait till the youngsters go home before the thongs come off! 20 00:02:02,799 --> 00:02:10,240 I've got some oldies' porn at home! There's that much wobble, I thought the tracking had gone on me video! 21 00:02:11,599 --> 00:02:19,400 All right, love? Thanks. What did you get your Sally? Flowers, but I'm saving the big surprise for tonight. 22 00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:21,920 Now, I hope it's the right size. 23 00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:32,560 Bloody hell! It's HER birthday, not mine! 24 00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:37,079 It covers up more than it reveals. Kev says that's vital at your age! 25 00:02:37,079 --> 00:02:41,759 You cheeky sod! Oh, my God. Does it come with a guarantee? 26 00:02:41,759 --> 00:02:44,360 Kev bought it. You know her size?! 27 00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:47,759 I just shut me eyes and guessed! 28 00:02:47,759 --> 00:02:50,280 Thanks, love. You're welcome. 29 00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:53,800 All right, thanks. 30 00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:53,800 MUSIC STOPS 31 00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:57,800 Er, right, folks, this won't take long. 32 00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:00,800 I want to thank you all for coming, 33 00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:05,319 but, most of all, I'd like to say happy 40th to Sally. 34 00:03:05,319 --> 00:03:08,280 CHEERING 35 00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:14,039 Just to say that she grows more beautiful every day. 36 00:03:14,039 --> 00:03:18,240 She's a cracking girl and I love her to bits. 37 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:21,039 Er...I'm getting embarrassing now. 38 00:03:21,039 --> 00:03:25,560 I can tell, cos both my lads are trying to sneak out. 39 00:03:25,599 --> 00:03:30,479 If you raise your glasses and sing a quick chorus of Happy Birthday, 40 00:03:30,479 --> 00:03:35,520 then I'll put another ton behind the bar! Yeah! So... 41 00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:40,240 # Happy birthday to you... # Come on! 42 00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:43,840 # ..Happy birthday to you... # Let's get a drink. 43 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:47,599 # ..Happy birthday, dear Sally 44 00:03:47,599 --> 00:03:50,719 # Happy birthday to you. # 45 00:03:50,719 --> 00:03:52,920 CHEERING 46 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:57,800 What's this? My present to you. 47 00:03:57,800 --> 00:04:02,800 Alan, is the float still on? He asked me to pay. I'll have a word. 48 00:04:04,039 --> 00:04:06,879 What would I want with a vasectomy? 49 00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:15,400 It's for me, you daft bugger. I'm having the snip for you. Yeah? 50 00:04:18,399 --> 00:04:22,920 It's no big deal. I never thought you'd go private. 51 00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:29,639 I can't let the NHS waste resources on my wedding tackle. What if they make a mistake? 52 00:04:29,639 --> 00:04:36,120 It'll be a top surgeon. 53 00:04:29,639 --> 00:04:36,120 Surgeons'd be plumbers if they hadn't been to public school! 54 00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:41,240 It can stop a man performing. 55 00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:41,240 Where've you read that, then? 56 00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:44,959 Nick Stott had one and his wife left him. 57 00:04:44,959 --> 00:04:50,319 Nick Stott with the pink rinse?! 58 00:04:44,959 --> 00:04:50,319 It turned him the other way. 59 00:04:50,319 --> 00:04:54,639 I was reading this Woman's Own at the dentist. 60 00:04:54,639 --> 00:04:59,159 It was about being on the pill, side-effects and all that. 61 00:04:59,159 --> 00:05:03,120 Well, with you being on it since you were 16, 62 00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:06,959 apart from when we were banging out them two, 63 00:05:06,959 --> 00:05:09,920 well, it didn't seem right. 64 00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:14,079 No. Are you sure? 65 00:05:14,079 --> 00:05:17,160 Course I'm sure. You deserve it. 66 00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:21,680 Hmm. I wish you'd told me somewhere a bit quieter. 67 00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:26,720 I could've, but this way it's harder for me to back out, isn't it? 68 00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:28,759 It is. 69 00:05:28,759 --> 00:05:32,800 I'll call you tomorrow night. 70 00:05:28,759 --> 00:05:32,800 CAR HORN 71 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:36,040 Night-night. 72 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:36,040 Night, Dan. 73 00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:41,800 Daniel. What? 74 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:48,199 Now you've got a young lady, there's something serious I need to ask you. What? 75 00:05:48,199 --> 00:05:54,480 Does she go, or what?! You sad old git! That's why I asked. I don't believe you. 76 00:05:54,480 --> 00:06:00,680 She looks familiar. Has she got an elder sister, works in breaker's yard? Sad! 77 00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:26,680 Will you still be able to do that when you've, you know...had it done? 78 00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:32,360 Everything'll work exactly the same. Oh, right(!) 79 00:06:34,319 --> 00:06:36,240 Cheeky! 80 00:06:40,759 --> 00:06:45,800 Is that what the doctor said? The doctor didn't say much at all. 81 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:50,639 He was about 12 years old. He was more embarrassed than me! 82 00:06:50,639 --> 00:06:55,360 Mind you, he did have my nadgers in his hand at the time. 83 00:06:55,360 --> 00:07:00,839 Weren't YOU embarrassed? No. I just lay back and imagined it was you... 84 00:07:00,839 --> 00:07:05,319 with a lighter touch, you know. You bastard. 85 00:07:05,319 --> 00:07:08,839 The condemned man ate a hearty breakfast! 86 00:07:08,839 --> 00:07:12,199 It'll take more than you to reel me in. 87 00:07:12,199 --> 00:07:14,879 # The first cut is the deepest...! # 88 00:07:14,879 --> 00:07:17,720 Hey! So, who's doing the op, then? 89 00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:22,879 Mr Bannister. Why? D'you know him? Does he go to the snooker club(?) 90 00:07:22,879 --> 00:07:26,399 Not "Butcher" Bannister, the blind surgeon(?) 91 00:07:26,399 --> 00:07:30,920 Leave him alone, you two. 92 00:07:26,399 --> 00:07:30,920 I wish I'd had it done sooner. 93 00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:35,959 18 years sooner, then I wouldn't have you two hanging off me wallet! 94 00:07:35,959 --> 00:07:40,240 We know that's just your way of saying you love us! 95 00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:42,759 Come on, we're gonna be late. 96 00:07:42,759 --> 00:07:45,639 I don't want him doing a rush job! 97 00:07:45,639 --> 00:07:51,000 Good luck and that, Dad. Don't overdo it. You'll have me filling up(!) 98 00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:54,560 I'll go and wait inside. 99 00:07:55,639 --> 00:07:58,159 And don't look so worried. 100 00:07:58,159 --> 00:08:03,040 According to Gordon, you just feel a bit of a tug, that's all. 101 00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:06,439 Well, if you change your mind... 102 00:08:06,439 --> 00:08:11,279 It'll be great. You'll never have to worry about a late period, 103 00:08:11,279 --> 00:08:16,120 and I'll never have to think about Nicky Butt to stop myself coming! 104 00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:21,040 Oh, you're a good man, Alan Preston. 105 00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:23,600 Hmm. All my wives say so. 106 00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:31,120 Right. OK. Good luck. See you. 107 00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:40,240 Er...my name is Alan Preston. 108 00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:47,759 I've come to see Mr Bannister. The nurse'll take you to the vasectomy clinic soon. Take a seat. Thanks. 109 00:08:57,639 --> 00:09:02,679 Morning, Alan. How are you? I think I caught a cold, wearing this thing! 110 00:09:02,679 --> 00:09:08,200 Jump up onto the bench. If I jump in this, I might have your eye out! 111 00:09:19,399 --> 00:09:21,919 OK. Don't I even get to watch? 112 00:09:21,919 --> 00:09:23,960 Not recommended. 113 00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:28,799 Not even to say goodbye? So, d'you like football, Alan? 114 00:09:28,799 --> 00:09:31,360 Er...yeah, yeah. 115 00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:33,960 Why? Does it make a difference? 116 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:39,000 It just helps to talk about something while it's happening. Oh, right. 117 00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:44,360 OK, you'll feel a pinching sensation and that'll be the anaesthetic. 118 00:09:55,559 --> 00:09:59,080 Do you do a lot of this? It's my job. 119 00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:04,679 Do you ever get to the business end? The conversation's never as good. 120 00:10:04,679 --> 00:10:09,120 Er...who did your prelim, Mr Preston? Sorry? 121 00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:15,360 Your preliminary examination - who did it? I don't remember. Some kid with a name tag. 122 00:10:17,519 --> 00:10:23,639 Why? What's wrong? Nothing. Nothing wrong, as such. It's complicated. 123 00:10:23,639 --> 00:10:28,639 What is? I don't think you need this operation. 124 00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:37,080 It should've been picked up by the doctor who examined you. 125 00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:42,080 But I-I don't understand. You've got a very rare condition. 126 00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:46,360 There's no tube between the testicle and the prostate. 127 00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:49,200 Without that, you can't be fertile. 128 00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:51,960 You're gonna be sore for no reason. 129 00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:57,799 Since when? It's a congenital condition. You've always had it. 130 00:10:57,799 --> 00:11:00,039 I've got two lads. 131 00:11:03,039 --> 00:11:07,879 The doctor who examined you really should've picked this up. 132 00:11:07,879 --> 00:11:12,039 Two grown-up lads. I saw them being born. 133 00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:14,679 I realise this must be a shock. 134 00:11:14,679 --> 00:11:20,120 Chris and Daniel, they're called. They look like me, both of them. 135 00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:25,759 You're infertile, Mr Preston. You've always been infertile. 136 00:11:55,279 --> 00:11:57,799 Bloody hell! That was quick! 137 00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:04,279 There you go. Ooh. 138 00:12:04,279 --> 00:12:07,799 So...how was it? 139 00:12:07,799 --> 00:12:09,840 Fine. I'm fine. 140 00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:13,759 Oh. You're feeling a bit sore, are you? 141 00:12:19,159 --> 00:12:20,679 Alan? 142 00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:27,720 Yeah. 143 00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:31,200 Feeling sore. 144 00:13:11,799 --> 00:13:15,960 You're sitting on it! I'm watching this! 145 00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:20,840 Dad, tell your retarded son to get his fat arse off the remote! 146 00:13:22,799 --> 00:13:25,600 Chris, get off! Chris! 147 00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:29,799 Dick head. 148 00:13:29,799 --> 00:13:33,799 'How much is the rent in your hall of residence?' 149 00:13:33,799 --> 00:13:37,720 Dunno. Well, I dunno. You'd better find out. 150 00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:40,240 It's about £500 a month. 151 00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:44,759 Your loan's £2,000 a term... 152 00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:44,759 VOICES ECHO 153 00:13:52,759 --> 00:13:58,279 So, what d'you think, Alan? How much should we sub this lad for? 154 00:13:58,279 --> 00:14:01,799 Come on, Dad. What d'you think I'm worth? 155 00:14:01,799 --> 00:14:06,840 We could find out what Charles gave Prince William and double it. Chris. 156 00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:14,080 So, what d'you think, Alan? 157 00:14:18,919 --> 00:14:22,519 Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say. 158 00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:29,399 Hiya, son. 159 00:14:29,399 --> 00:14:33,279 Hello? I just want to say, about the other night... 160 00:14:33,279 --> 00:14:37,120 You're not gonna tell me about the birds and the bees?! 161 00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:42,919 You could tell me more than I could tell you. Are you winding me up? 162 00:14:42,919 --> 00:14:45,679 Are you serious about this girl? 163 00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:51,080 Dunno. I'm just... The thing is, son, 164 00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:55,919 don't throw your life away on somebody. There's nothing worse. 165 00:14:55,919 --> 00:14:58,559 She seems a nice girl and that, 166 00:14:58,559 --> 00:15:03,080 but you're young and I want you to have a good time. 167 00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:05,600 Right. I've got homework, Dad. 168 00:15:07,919 --> 00:15:11,960 You've gotta look out for yourself in this world, 169 00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:18,879 cos you can turn around a few years down the line and find you've not been living your own life. 170 00:15:18,879 --> 00:15:21,080 Ah. 171 00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:26,080 I'll leave you to your studying. 172 00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:32,960 Al, it takes 30 orgasms before you're officially firing blanks. 173 00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:38,240 How many've you got left to whack out? Not many, by the state of you! 174 00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:41,440 You all right? Yeah. Nothing to it. 175 00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:44,600 D'you get 'em to take home in a jar? 176 00:15:48,799 --> 00:15:53,240 Is your Chris all packed? Yeah, as far as I know. 177 00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:58,440 University - who'd have thought it 178 00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:58,440 with your brains? What d'you mean?! 179 00:16:00,039 --> 00:16:04,399 I know you've got a sore sack, but give us a break. 180 00:16:06,039 --> 00:16:09,639 What's this? Your missus dropped 'em off. 181 00:16:09,639 --> 00:16:14,519 When were you talking to my missus?! Aren't you gonna open it? 182 00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:22,240 They've been scaled up, like! 183 00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:26,879 Are you EVER gonna leave this alone?! Er...I don't think so. 184 00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:31,240 What are you smirking at, you fat bastard?! 185 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:35,159 You stupid git! He always looks like he's smirking! 186 00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:39,559 It's YOU, isn't it?! 187 00:16:39,559 --> 00:16:42,360 Of course. It's YOU! What's me? 188 00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:49,840 You bastard! I should've known. I don't know what you're talking about! 189 00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:53,879 You call yourself a mate, you two-faced git?! 190 00:16:57,679 --> 00:17:02,039 Now that's what I call a vasectomy. Shit! Al? 191 00:17:02,039 --> 00:17:05,279 Al? Al, you all right, mate? 192 00:17:05,279 --> 00:17:09,519 What the bloody hell is going on?! My office, now! 193 00:17:09,519 --> 00:17:15,119 I don't think he can walk. Drag him. He can groan in his own time. Now! 194 00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:26,279 What the bleeding hell was that about? I'm infertile. 195 00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:30,319 I know that. The whole factory knows that. No. 196 00:17:30,319 --> 00:17:32,880 I've always been infertile. 197 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:38,680 What? There's something wrong with me bollocks, 198 00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:43,400 something technical. You can't be. What about Chris and Daniel? 199 00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:47,200 They're not mine. 200 00:17:48,759 --> 00:17:53,519 Well, whose are they? You tell me. 201 00:18:00,799 --> 00:18:06,039 There's your cards. Now, piss off. You what? Jesus, you're sacking us?! 202 00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:11,279 No, I'm scaring you, I hope. 203 00:18:11,279 --> 00:18:16,319 I didn't think a bollocking'd work, because you'd already had one. 204 00:18:16,319 --> 00:18:24,359 I wish I could sack you, but I've got Chadwick's warehouse on me back, you lucky sods. Thanks, Mac. 205 00:18:24,359 --> 00:18:29,559 Yeah, thanks. So, what was it about? Anything I should know? 206 00:18:29,559 --> 00:18:32,200 No. Lovers' tiff, then? 207 00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:34,200 Yeah. 208 00:18:36,359 --> 00:18:39,200 Get cleaned up and get back to work. 209 00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:56,039 Today, Kev, you girl! 210 00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:56,039 Kev, me! 211 00:18:59,039 --> 00:19:04,480 How could you think it was me? Why not? Sally laughs at all your jokes. 212 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:09,279 You're a cocky twat. I was eight when your Chris was conceived! 213 00:19:09,279 --> 00:19:14,559 Me head went. You know what size underwear she takes. 214 00:19:14,559 --> 00:19:18,559 That was enough. Babs guessed, you daft bastard. 215 00:19:18,559 --> 00:19:22,799 It made sense when I thought it, all right? 216 00:19:22,799 --> 00:19:27,640 I sit at home, you know, and it's like she's laughing at me, 217 00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:31,799 like she's been taking the piss all these years. 218 00:19:31,799 --> 00:19:38,079 I look at them and convince meself it's any one of them. Every bugger I look at. 219 00:19:38,079 --> 00:19:41,880 Even Ade? No, not Ade, obviously! 220 00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:46,960 What did Sally say? Not told her. 221 00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:49,759 I don't know if I'm going to. 222 00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:56,880 Well, why? If I tell 'em, that's my life down the toilet too, you know, 223 00:19:56,880 --> 00:20:01,640 and the lads, not just hers, so keep it to yourself. Fine. 224 00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:05,920 I-I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do. 225 00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:10,720 Maybe I'll just hit a few more people till I feel better. 226 00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:15,200 It was Titch, Paddy Walsh, Pete and Owen. Owen was in the pub on Friday. 227 00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:20,680 They painted the staff room windows black. How could Titch have helped? 228 00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:25,759 He couldn't even reach. Maybe he held the ladders. Dad, you weren't there. 229 00:20:25,759 --> 00:20:31,440 Well, Pete's going to art college, so he might have done it. Thank you. 230 00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:35,119 Painting windows gets you into art college?! 231 00:20:35,119 --> 00:20:39,440 Mum, cleaning windows gets you into art college! 232 00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:42,279 TELEVISION IS ON > 233 00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:51,559 What's that? Well, I know I'm not university material, 234 00:20:51,559 --> 00:20:57,079 but I'd say it was a cup. And? Can I phone a friend(?) 235 00:20:57,079 --> 00:21:00,119 Chuck it in the dishwasher, love. 236 00:21:09,039 --> 00:21:11,880 What? Nothing. 237 00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:22,039 Better start pulling your weight. It was only a cup. No, it wasn't. 238 00:21:22,039 --> 00:21:27,799 It's him, playing the big shot just cos he's had a girl in his bedroom. 239 00:21:27,799 --> 00:21:32,559 For God's sake! A bit of fumbling under your duvet makes you a man?! 240 00:21:32,559 --> 00:21:37,920 Alan, calm down, will you? Well, you would take his side, wouldn't you? 241 00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:41,160 Always do, all three of you. Taking the piss! 242 00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:44,960 Nobody's taking the piss. 243 00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:44,960 Sorry about the cup. 244 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:50,160 I'll tell you what being a man's about. Looking at your kids' lives 245 00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:55,480 and realising that all you've got is stuff to look back on, mostly shit, 246 00:21:55,480 --> 00:22:00,160 because you've been breaking your back bringing them up! Stop this. 247 00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:04,160 You're upsetting the lad! You'd never upset him! 248 00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:06,559 You'd rather lie to him! 249 00:22:07,599 --> 00:22:09,319 Bastard! 250 00:22:09,319 --> 00:22:13,200 What's happened to you, eh? 251 00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:16,039 What is it? What's happened to you? 252 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:39,119 Have you been coming in here a while, then? All my life, mate. 253 00:23:39,119 --> 00:23:46,000 I thought I recognised you. This used to be my old stomping ground a few years ago. Right. 254 00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:49,799 Early '80s. You don't remember me? 255 00:23:49,799 --> 00:23:55,160 What, were you on the pool team? Right. Yeah, that's it. Right. 256 00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:58,799 That should put the smile back on your face. 257 00:23:58,799 --> 00:24:03,680 Take more than that, love. What is it, then? Money or women? 258 00:24:09,599 --> 00:24:12,119 Have you had my missus? 259 00:24:13,119 --> 00:24:17,400 You what? You knew me the moment I walked in here. 260 00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:22,759 Did you have my missus? I think you're at the wrong party, mate. 261 00:24:22,759 --> 00:24:28,640 Don't turn your back on me. Have you had her? All right. I've had her, 262 00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:32,759 and she said I was the biggest thing she'd ever had. 263 00:24:35,599 --> 00:24:38,119 Wanna see pictures of your kids? 264 00:24:40,079 --> 00:24:43,559 Hey! We haven't got a dancing licence. 265 00:24:43,559 --> 00:24:46,400 Calm down. Eh?! You, out, now! 266 00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:51,920 Gerry, there's a vodka here wants drinking. Go on, off you go, mate. 267 00:25:42,039 --> 00:25:47,279 So what was all that about? Earlier on? I dunno. 268 00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:51,880 Maybe I went back to work too soon. 269 00:25:53,079 --> 00:25:55,599 Took more out of me than I thought. 270 00:26:04,799 --> 00:26:07,000 I feel old. 271 00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:10,799 I'm sorry. 272 00:26:23,240 --> 00:26:28,279 What're you doing? What does it look like? You don't want a man like me. 273 00:26:28,279 --> 00:26:34,240 Alan, come on, you're still you. You don't want ME. Yes, I do. 274 00:26:47,559 --> 00:26:50,079 You know what really pisses me off? 275 00:26:50,079 --> 00:26:54,119 Apart from having your balls cut open for no good reason? 276 00:26:54,119 --> 00:26:56,400 The chances I've had, Kev. 277 00:26:56,400 --> 00:27:00,440 The bloody chances I've had over the years to play away. 278 00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:04,880 When was this? Loads of times, on the wagons at B&T. 279 00:27:04,880 --> 00:27:07,599 There was that secretary - Dawn. 280 00:27:07,599 --> 00:27:12,720 She used to throw herself at me every time I showed my face. 281 00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:17,240 That waitress at the White Hart, Doreen, the child minder. 282 00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:24,319 But, no, not Mr Family Man, here. That's the deal you make, isn't it? 283 00:27:24,319 --> 00:27:28,559 You don't mess about because you'd hate it if she did. 284 00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:34,759 So, it's not always perfect, but you stay at home. 285 00:27:34,759 --> 00:27:39,559 No-one'd blame you if you did now. You've got the perfect excuse. 286 00:27:39,559 --> 00:27:45,799 What's that? To play away. You mean, a revenge shag? 287 00:27:45,799 --> 00:27:50,240 Whatever you get up to, you've got right on your side. 288 00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:57,200 What you doing tonight, Kev? Playing crib? What? 289 00:27:57,200 --> 00:28:03,279 Now you're in the old man's club. Trying to make yourself look younger? Alan's all right. 290 00:28:03,279 --> 00:28:07,839 Your dance moves are the first thing to go. You'll be like this. 291 00:28:07,839 --> 00:28:10,359 Listen, he's having a bit of grief. 292 00:28:10,359 --> 00:28:13,079 Why's he talking to you, then?! 293 00:28:13,079 --> 00:28:17,240 # When I get that feeling, I want sexual healing! 294 00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:19,279 # Sexual healing... # 295 00:28:19,279 --> 00:28:25,200 On for a few pints tonight, lads? In aid of what? Your education. 296 00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:30,720 A quiz night, is it? You get to watch the master, the love machine. 297 00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:34,599 I've got Fight Club on video. Let me tell you something. 298 00:28:34,599 --> 00:28:40,920 When you're slumped in front of the TV with your missus and a kid upstairs, 299 00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:45,319 you'll regret every single night 300 00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:45,319 you didn't go out. All right, then. 301 00:28:45,319 --> 00:28:48,400 Good lad! Tell Nick. 302 00:28:49,440 --> 00:28:53,480 We'll be going down the bingo with him at this rate. 303 00:28:56,359 --> 00:29:02,480 That's mine. Since when did you like Radiohead? I've always liked them. 304 00:29:02,480 --> 00:29:07,000 Has Bob the Builder covered Fake Plastic Trees? Student humour! 305 00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:11,880 Car boot sale, eh? If we get his stuff sorted, it'll be easy to pack. 306 00:29:11,880 --> 00:29:18,119 Whatever you say. Can you get the roof rack on before tea? Sorry, I'm going out. 307 00:29:29,279 --> 00:29:31,880 Shaving, eh? 308 00:29:33,599 --> 00:29:36,359 Doesn't she like stubble, then? 309 00:29:37,319 --> 00:29:41,039 What? Are you having an affair, Alan? 310 00:29:41,039 --> 00:29:45,200 Is that what all this vasectomy business is about? 311 00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:49,519 Why would I have a vasectomy if I was having an affair? 312 00:29:49,519 --> 00:29:53,200 I don't know. Maybe she's asked you. 313 00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:56,279 Maybe you've had a scare. 314 00:29:56,279 --> 00:30:00,759 Maybe it'd explain all your up-and-down moods. 315 00:30:00,759 --> 00:30:06,119 What girl is this that I'm supposed to be seeing? Could you tell me, 316 00:30:06,119 --> 00:30:11,680 cos I'm buggered if I know who she is. Sorry. It's a daft thing to say. 317 00:30:11,680 --> 00:30:15,720 It's just with you getting so upset about everything. 318 00:30:17,319 --> 00:30:19,359 Come here. 319 00:30:19,359 --> 00:30:23,319 Do you think I'd ever even look at another woman? 320 00:30:23,319 --> 00:30:25,640 It's just you and me, isn't it? 321 00:30:25,640 --> 00:30:32,359 Huh? Isn't that what it's always been? You and me? 322 00:30:33,880 --> 00:30:37,039 Yeah, yeah. Just you and me. 323 00:30:46,599 --> 00:30:49,160 Come on. Give us a hand. 324 00:30:52,079 --> 00:30:54,599 Not you again. 325 00:30:54,599 --> 00:30:59,519 I hope you're gonna behave tonight. Sorry about the other night, love. 326 00:30:59,519 --> 00:31:03,039 My, er, divorce had just come through. 327 00:31:04,160 --> 00:31:07,039 Er...three lagers, two bitters 328 00:31:07,039 --> 00:31:11,400 and I'll be a good boy. Not TOO good, I hope. 329 00:31:12,799 --> 00:31:17,640 I've still got it. It's her job to pretend she fancies you. 330 00:31:17,640 --> 00:31:21,880 This is more than a professional interest. 331 00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:26,039 One for yourself, as well, love. Anything up to 50p! 332 00:31:29,359 --> 00:31:34,759 What about Snow White? Seven diamond miners and they all share a house. 333 00:31:34,759 --> 00:31:37,440 Somebody's getting a huge rake-off! 334 00:31:37,440 --> 00:31:41,920 And what does Snow White do when the royal family turns up? 335 00:31:41,920 --> 00:31:45,599 Turns her back on the working classes. But they're dwarves. 336 00:31:45,599 --> 00:31:49,920 She didn't mind when she'd nowhere to live. What's he playing at? 337 00:31:49,920 --> 00:31:54,960 Is that why he's had the vasectomy? 338 00:31:49,920 --> 00:31:54,960 Alan? Cheat on Sally? Come on. 339 00:31:54,960 --> 00:31:58,799 - Why not if he can get away with it? - It's bloody sick. 340 00:31:58,799 --> 00:32:03,839 Listen, you were slagging me off cos he was going to cramp our style. 341 00:32:03,839 --> 00:32:07,720 - What about his lads? - They've practically left home. 342 00:32:07,720 --> 00:32:12,240 - I'm not having any part of this. - No-one's asking you to join in! 343 00:32:12,240 --> 00:32:16,640 I've watched enough old men chat up young birds. Coming? 344 00:32:16,640 --> 00:32:18,920 Yeah, I suppose. 345 00:32:21,279 --> 00:32:26,119 You coming? Just have a word with Casanova. Leave him. He's happy. 346 00:32:29,920 --> 00:32:32,240 Are you set? 347 00:32:35,640 --> 00:32:40,160 I'm on here. And you've proved your point, so, come on. 348 00:32:40,160 --> 00:32:45,000 My chapati's going soggy. Don't let me stop you. It's just, er, 349 00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:49,559 you're not really going to do it, are you? Why not? 350 00:32:49,559 --> 00:32:53,519 You've got a wife. You know nothing about it. 351 00:32:53,519 --> 00:32:56,000 Actually, I do. I know all about it. 352 00:32:56,000 --> 00:33:02,359 Kev can't keep a secret as good as the one you gave him. He told you?! 353 00:33:02,359 --> 00:33:05,319 Yeah. But just me, so don't worry. 354 00:33:05,319 --> 00:33:09,440 I bet you'd be none the wiser on the NHS! 355 00:33:09,440 --> 00:33:14,720 I think you're missing the point a bit. Yeah, well, come on. 356 00:33:14,720 --> 00:33:19,559 Look, this is the best I've felt since I found out, 357 00:33:19,559 --> 00:33:23,640 so just let me get on with it, all right? 358 00:33:23,640 --> 00:33:26,160 Yes, love. Same again. 359 00:33:28,279 --> 00:33:30,799 So, have you always been a barmaid? 360 00:33:30,799 --> 00:33:34,319 Before I was married, I worked in a bookies. 361 00:33:34,319 --> 00:33:36,839 All the heart-breaking jobs, then! 362 00:33:36,839 --> 00:33:40,359 Then one day I looked at my husband and thought, 363 00:33:40,359 --> 00:33:44,200 "If I'm going to pretend a drunken slob's attractive, 364 00:33:44,200 --> 00:33:49,279 "I might as well get paid for it." Where is he now, then, your husband? 365 00:33:49,279 --> 00:33:53,119 He's away fighting at a karate exhibition. Eh? 366 00:33:55,640 --> 00:33:58,240 All right. No more questions. 367 00:33:58,240 --> 00:34:03,839 I'm not married any more, if that's what you're worried about. Good. 368 00:34:05,319 --> 00:34:07,839 You are though, aren't you? 369 00:34:07,839 --> 00:34:12,519 There's only one right answer to that question. Too right. 370 00:34:14,800 --> 00:34:20,280 I'm not divorced. I know this sounds like a line, but it's over. 371 00:34:20,280 --> 00:34:22,719 It's well and truly over. 372 00:34:22,719 --> 00:34:29,360 And I know this is stupid and the last thing you need is a middle-aged man on the rebound, 373 00:34:29,360 --> 00:34:33,000 but I'd really like to sleep with you, 374 00:34:33,000 --> 00:34:40,440 and I thought if I just said it, I wouldn't spend the rest of my life despising myself for not saying it. 375 00:34:42,320 --> 00:34:45,800 So...that's it. 376 00:34:45,800 --> 00:34:48,320 It's out of my system. 377 00:34:48,320 --> 00:34:51,840 This is where you tell me to piss off! 378 00:34:51,840 --> 00:34:54,400 SHE LAUGHS 379 00:35:12,440 --> 00:35:15,840 Ow! Oh! What is it?! What did I do? 380 00:35:16,880 --> 00:35:19,840 It wasn't you, it wasn't you. 381 00:35:21,079 --> 00:35:23,760 You really are weird, aren't you? 382 00:35:26,559 --> 00:35:30,039 I'd better go. I'd better go. 383 00:35:31,199 --> 00:35:34,239 Yeah. I think you better had. 384 00:36:29,039 --> 00:36:32,119 How'd you get on last night? 385 00:36:32,119 --> 00:36:38,519 Nothing happened. Nothing could ever happen. I don't want anybody else, just Sally. 386 00:36:38,519 --> 00:36:41,000 What? I don't get it. 387 00:36:41,000 --> 00:36:45,840 I haven't stopped loving her, or the kids. I don't want to. 388 00:36:45,840 --> 00:36:50,960 So, you told Barney all about it, then? Well, it just slipped out. 389 00:36:50,960 --> 00:36:54,920 Get anywhere with that barmaid, Alan? I did, yeah. 390 00:36:54,920 --> 00:36:57,039 The A to Z of love-making, 391 00:36:57,039 --> 00:37:02,840 and a few more letters I made up for the night. Did the stitches hold(?) 392 00:37:02,840 --> 00:37:07,840 I don't know how much your snip cost you, but it's costing me thousands. 393 00:37:07,840 --> 00:37:12,679 He's so fascinated by your genitalia I've started to worry about him! 394 00:37:26,519 --> 00:37:30,360 I'm going to try and make it work with Sally. 395 00:37:30,360 --> 00:37:32,880 I don't care what you think. Fine. 396 00:37:32,880 --> 00:37:38,119 I realised last night those lads DO know who their real dad is. 397 00:37:38,119 --> 00:37:41,599 I'm their real dad. I brought them up. 398 00:37:41,599 --> 00:37:46,559 I've always been there for them when they were sick, or had nightmares, 399 00:37:46,559 --> 00:37:50,880 or were in trouble at school. That's what makes you a dad. 400 00:37:50,880 --> 00:37:53,199 Don't you reckon, eh? 401 00:37:53,199 --> 00:37:58,039 Al, I think you've mixed me up with someone who gives a shit. 402 00:37:58,039 --> 00:38:02,079 I felt bad about the fight and what you found out. 403 00:38:02,079 --> 00:38:07,760 I mean, you're a sound bloke, but it's Tommy Cooper, innit? What is? 404 00:38:07,760 --> 00:38:12,599 A friend in need is a pest. Right. Message understood. 405 00:38:12,599 --> 00:38:16,559 It's nothing personal. I'm just not Rikki Lake. 406 00:38:19,280 --> 00:38:25,800 What's all this? D'you think you can still dance in that dress? Why? 407 00:38:25,800 --> 00:38:31,480 We're going out. Where to? Northern Soul night. You are joking! 408 00:38:33,719 --> 00:38:36,760 SOUL MUSIC PLAYS 409 00:39:25,599 --> 00:39:28,760 Leave that, Mum. OK, OK. 410 00:39:28,760 --> 00:39:33,360 Right, well...that's the lot. Right. 411 00:39:36,599 --> 00:39:39,400 Here. You look after yourself. 412 00:39:39,400 --> 00:39:41,920 Dad, I don't need this much... 413 00:39:41,920 --> 00:39:48,000 You deserve it. I don't want anybody saying my lad can't get his own round in. Thanks. 414 00:39:51,039 --> 00:39:56,559 Right, then. OK. We'd better be off. You know, traffic, and that. 415 00:40:00,639 --> 00:40:02,679 Ta-ra, love. 416 00:40:03,840 --> 00:40:08,880 Look after yourself, lad. You know where we are if you need us. Bye. 417 00:40:10,280 --> 00:40:14,599 We're both very proud of you, me and your mum. 418 00:40:32,719 --> 00:40:35,559 Oh, give us a hug, you bastard. 419 00:41:00,480 --> 00:41:02,519 Oh. Daniel! 420 00:41:04,079 --> 00:41:06,639 Can't be too careful. 421 00:41:06,639 --> 00:41:09,559 Just listen to that. 422 00:41:09,559 --> 00:41:11,480 Silence. 423 00:41:11,480 --> 00:41:14,320 Hey. How's about that, then? 424 00:41:14,320 --> 00:41:16,840 Just me and you again. 425 00:41:16,840 --> 00:41:22,480 We'll have to get Scrabble so we've still got something to row about. 426 00:41:22,480 --> 00:41:24,000 Joke! 427 00:41:25,000 --> 00:41:27,599 Alan? I can't do this. 428 00:41:27,599 --> 00:41:29,960 Can't do what? What is it? 429 00:41:29,960 --> 00:41:33,480 I thought I could do this, but I can't. 430 00:41:37,320 --> 00:41:39,280 What? 431 00:41:39,280 --> 00:41:42,119 I don't understand. 432 00:41:42,119 --> 00:41:45,480 I was thinking, er, we might... 433 00:41:45,480 --> 00:41:49,880 I was thinking we should call it a day, 434 00:41:49,880 --> 00:41:54,719 you and me. Eh? What are you talking about? 435 00:41:55,760 --> 00:41:57,920 I know, Sally. 436 00:41:57,920 --> 00:42:00,960 I know the children are not mine. 437 00:42:03,119 --> 00:42:06,800 What?! How can they not be yours? 438 00:42:06,800 --> 00:42:09,599 You tell me. 439 00:42:09,599 --> 00:42:12,679 Why are you saying these things? 440 00:42:12,679 --> 00:42:16,360 They can't be mine! I can't have kids! 441 00:42:16,360 --> 00:42:19,639 I found out when I went for the vasectomy! 442 00:42:19,639 --> 00:42:24,039 I can't father children. I never could. All right? 443 00:43:10,800 --> 00:43:15,639 How long are we gonna sit here? Until you tell me the truth. 444 00:43:33,880 --> 00:43:36,400 There was somebody else. 445 00:43:36,400 --> 00:43:39,320 Thank you. 446 00:43:41,119 --> 00:43:44,639 But nobody can tell me those lads aren't yours, 447 00:43:44,639 --> 00:43:47,719 not a surgeon, not you. Nobody. 448 00:43:49,079 --> 00:43:51,960 But there was someone else? 449 00:43:55,840 --> 00:43:57,360 Yeah. 450 00:43:58,519 --> 00:44:03,559 And was this someone else around when you were getting pregnant? 451 00:44:10,199 --> 00:44:11,719 Yeah. 452 00:44:11,719 --> 00:44:16,400 And has he got a name, or didn't you get that far? 453 00:44:17,519 --> 00:44:20,039 Of course he's got a name. 454 00:44:20,039 --> 00:44:24,559 Was there just the one? Or do you wanna give me a list? 455 00:44:27,079 --> 00:44:32,039 Oh, a slut with morals. Now there's a novelty! 456 00:44:40,440 --> 00:44:43,280 Oh, come on, don't do that, Alan. 457 00:44:44,800 --> 00:44:51,039 I love you. I love everything about you. That's why I tried to just ignore it, 458 00:44:51,039 --> 00:44:55,880 but it won't stop banging away in there! I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. 459 00:44:55,880 --> 00:44:58,360 So what was his name? 460 00:44:59,519 --> 00:45:04,039 You didn't know him. How long did it go on for? 461 00:45:06,199 --> 00:45:07,719 Six... 462 00:45:09,719 --> 00:45:17,079 Six years. I know there's no reason why you should believe me, but you were the love of my life. 463 00:45:17,079 --> 00:45:22,039 I stayed with you because I always knew it was you who I loved. 464 00:45:22,039 --> 00:45:26,400 What I did was stupid and lazy, but I've never wanted to leave you. 465 00:45:26,400 --> 00:45:31,159 Did it never occur to you that the kids was his? No. 466 00:45:31,159 --> 00:45:34,159 We were... Well, we were careful. 467 00:45:34,159 --> 00:45:38,559 Brilliant(!) I'm firing blanks while Superman had armour-piercing spunk! 468 00:45:38,559 --> 00:45:42,760 He wasn't Superman. He wasn't anybody. What was his name? 469 00:45:44,239 --> 00:45:46,400 Andrew Headon. 470 00:45:48,960 --> 00:45:52,960 He lived on our street when we lived in Reddish. 471 00:45:52,960 --> 00:45:55,480 He was always doing the gardening 472 00:45:55,480 --> 00:46:01,760 and one day I was admiring his flowers and he came out and we started talking, 473 00:46:01,760 --> 00:46:04,320 then he brought some cuttings round. 474 00:46:05,400 --> 00:46:10,239 It wasn't any great passion. We weren't gonna get carried away. 475 00:46:10,239 --> 00:46:14,239 He was just...quiet, I suppose. 476 00:46:15,920 --> 00:46:18,239 Nobody noticed him. 477 00:46:19,360 --> 00:46:24,280 And you were always the life and soul. I thought you liked that. 478 00:46:24,280 --> 00:46:28,960 I DO...but, sometimes, well... 479 00:46:28,960 --> 00:46:34,280 you know, it's like when you announced the vasectomy at my 40th, 480 00:46:34,280 --> 00:46:36,920 it was funny and I liked it, 481 00:46:36,920 --> 00:46:39,880 but it was MY birthday, 482 00:46:39,880 --> 00:46:42,800 and suddenly it was YOUR party. 483 00:46:44,719 --> 00:46:47,320 And it's always been like that. 484 00:46:47,320 --> 00:46:49,800 Your party. 485 00:46:51,360 --> 00:46:55,679 Does that make any kind of sense? No, not really. 486 00:46:55,679 --> 00:47:00,599 It was cos it meant so little that it went on for so long. 487 00:47:00,599 --> 00:47:05,440 It was never a threat because I always knew it was you who I loved. 488 00:47:05,440 --> 00:47:10,760 I'll never tell those boys that he's their dad, because you are. 489 00:47:13,480 --> 00:47:19,320 They're all yours... and that's all there is to it. 490 00:47:21,920 --> 00:47:25,199 Why can't I hate you? 491 00:47:25,199 --> 00:47:30,440 If I could only hate you, it would be so much easier. 492 00:47:41,400 --> 00:47:47,000 I'll help you pack if you want to go. Of course I don't want to bloody go! 493 00:47:59,440 --> 00:48:02,960 Hiya! 494 00:47:59,440 --> 00:48:02,960 Oh, hello, love. 495 00:48:02,960 --> 00:48:06,840 Why are you smoking? You've not smoked in ages. 496 00:48:06,840 --> 00:48:11,880 I know, it's daft. I just got a bit upset about our Chris going away. 497 00:48:13,679 --> 00:48:15,519 Right. 498 00:48:29,840 --> 00:48:33,360 Dad, I couldn't have a shower after football! 499 00:48:33,360 --> 00:48:36,599 ALAN SOBS 500 00:48:33,360 --> 00:48:36,599 Dad? 501 00:48:49,760 --> 00:48:52,280 I know what's going on. 502 00:48:55,320 --> 00:48:59,119 Not now, lad. You're having an affair, aren't you? 503 00:48:59,119 --> 00:49:01,320 That's what this is about. 504 00:49:01,320 --> 00:49:05,360 Going out all the time, crying in the bathroom. 505 00:49:05,360 --> 00:49:08,280 Shagging someone behind Mum's back! 506 00:49:08,280 --> 00:49:13,400 Should you tell him, or should I? 507 00:49:08,280 --> 00:49:13,400 Don't, Alan. 508 00:49:13,400 --> 00:49:21,079 Stop treating me like a kid. I know what's going on. You're always quick on the uptake. What? 509 00:49:21,079 --> 00:49:25,400 Who do you think you got that off? Your mum, or your dad? 510 00:49:25,400 --> 00:49:30,199 Why are you changing the subject? I'm not. ..What do you think? 511 00:49:30,199 --> 00:49:33,719 Has he got his mum's brains or his dad's?! 512 00:49:38,320 --> 00:49:43,360 I'm sorry, son. We've just been going through a bit of a hard time. 513 00:49:52,360 --> 00:49:59,760 Is this what it's going to be like from now on? You torturing me every chance you get? 514 00:50:04,960 --> 00:50:09,719 I just thought I could go on like nothing had happened... 515 00:50:11,920 --> 00:50:14,440 ..but sometimes I look at you 516 00:50:14,440 --> 00:50:19,199 and I'm gone. And I just want to hurt you. 517 00:50:20,760 --> 00:50:23,199 Make you feel like I feel. 518 00:50:27,280 --> 00:50:33,000 And there's nothing I can do, nothing I can say to make it better? 519 00:50:39,840 --> 00:50:42,840 You can tell the boys. No, Alan. 520 00:50:44,119 --> 00:50:46,639 Come on. We both agreed. 521 00:50:46,639 --> 00:50:51,920 It has to be that way. Why does it?! It's best if they know. 522 00:50:53,440 --> 00:50:57,559 I'll tell them if you won't. So YOU can feel better?! 523 00:50:57,559 --> 00:51:02,400 That's worth ruining their lives for? This secret is theirs too. 524 00:51:02,400 --> 00:51:06,679 What if they find out in 20 years? What would it do to them? 525 00:51:06,679 --> 00:51:12,239 There's no way they will find out. I tell the boys. It's done, over, 526 00:51:12,239 --> 00:51:14,719 it's out in the open. 527 00:51:14,719 --> 00:51:17,199 We deal with it! 528 00:51:17,199 --> 00:51:21,400 It's the only way. The only bloody way. 529 00:51:30,559 --> 00:51:35,400 What's up with your boyfriend? 530 00:51:30,559 --> 00:51:35,400 I dunno. Men can be so cruel! 531 00:52:23,239 --> 00:52:26,840 Where you going? Out. Don't you want to see Chris? 532 00:52:26,840 --> 00:52:31,840 I saw him last week. Wait. I want to talk to you about something. 533 00:52:31,880 --> 00:52:34,719 I'll miss the bus. There he is. 534 00:52:34,719 --> 00:52:41,599 Chris. Hiya, son. How's it going? It's only been a week. Come inside. Tell us all about it. 535 00:52:46,320 --> 00:52:48,719 There you go. 536 00:52:50,039 --> 00:52:52,679 Well, go on, then, open them. 537 00:52:52,679 --> 00:52:57,519 So, Chris, how's it going at college, then? It's all right. 538 00:52:57,519 --> 00:53:01,920 Any lessons yet? Lectures start next week. 539 00:53:01,920 --> 00:53:06,159 Have you met your teachers? It's not school, Dad. 540 00:53:06,159 --> 00:53:08,559 They don't show us to our desks. 541 00:53:08,559 --> 00:53:13,039 You're forgetting I did my HND at Stockport Tech. What's up, Dad? 542 00:53:14,599 --> 00:53:19,800 Nothing's up. You never sit down and talk to us unless someone's died, 543 00:53:19,800 --> 00:53:24,280 so what's going on? They're splitting up. What?! 544 00:53:24,280 --> 00:53:29,519 That's not true. When they took his balls away, they took his brains! 545 00:53:29,519 --> 00:53:33,320 He's been playing away. Is that true? 546 00:53:33,320 --> 00:53:38,480 No. It's not. It's more serious than that. Is it Mum? 547 00:53:38,480 --> 00:53:41,159 Is she ill? She's looking terrible. 548 00:53:41,159 --> 00:53:46,039 No. When I said serious, what I MEAN is... 549 00:53:48,880 --> 00:53:52,760 The thing is... it's about my vasectomy. 550 00:53:53,840 --> 00:53:58,920 Change the record, would you? Will you stop interrupting, eh? 551 00:54:02,440 --> 00:54:05,960 The thing is... I found something out. 552 00:54:05,960 --> 00:54:10,280 Well, I found something out when I had the snip. 553 00:54:11,480 --> 00:54:12,760 What? 554 00:54:16,000 --> 00:54:18,800 Well, it was quite a shock. 555 00:54:20,360 --> 00:54:22,719 Apparently, er... 556 00:54:22,719 --> 00:54:27,159 a doctor should have picked it up sooner. 557 00:54:40,199 --> 00:54:42,719 Er...they found a lump. 558 00:54:42,719 --> 00:54:45,239 A growth, a tumour, 559 00:54:45,239 --> 00:54:51,960 and they took it out and it's, you know, it's been tested and it's all gonna be fine. 560 00:54:51,960 --> 00:54:56,599 But that's why I've been behaving like a bit of a twat recently. 561 00:54:58,000 --> 00:55:02,800 A lump? Bloody hell, Dad. Why didn't you say something? 562 00:55:02,880 --> 00:55:06,719 I didn't want to worry anyone. You should've told us. 563 00:55:06,719 --> 00:55:09,280 Nobody knew. Not even Mum? 564 00:55:09,280 --> 00:55:11,800 No. And I don't want her knowing. 565 00:55:11,800 --> 00:55:16,119 This is between the three of us. She's got a right to know. 566 00:55:16,119 --> 00:55:19,880 No. Some things are better just left alone. 567 00:55:19,880 --> 00:55:26,440 She should be told the truth. The truth isn't all it's cracked up to be. He's right, Danny. 568 00:55:26,440 --> 00:55:30,719 She'd only worry herself sick. Good. 569 00:55:30,719 --> 00:55:35,079 That's settled, then. Not a word. 570 00:55:39,519 --> 00:55:42,480 Right! Let's have this drink now. 571 00:55:44,480 --> 00:55:46,599 Cheers. Cheers. 572 00:56:47,280 --> 00:56:53,719 Are you reporting a burglary? Nothing's missing, but somebody's tried forging me signature. 573 00:56:53,719 --> 00:57:00,360 The notepaper's from me telephone pad. And that's kept in the house? Well, yeah. 574 00:57:00,360 --> 00:57:03,239 It's Tina? Tina. I'm Gary. 575 00:57:03,239 --> 00:57:05,760 I'll see you, then, Tina. 576 00:57:11,320 --> 00:57:15,880 I hadn't even met her six months ago. Is that your signature or not? 577 00:57:23,480 --> 00:57:27,519 Listen, I'm telling you! I ain't done anything! 578 00:57:28,639 --> 00:57:31,159 I ain't done anything! 579 00:58:11,639 --> 00:58:16,159 Subtitles by Neil Gemmill BBC Scotland - 2002 580 00:58:16,159 --> 00:58:19,679 E-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk