Thanks, love. Don't wear yourself out before tonight. Sounds hopeful.
You'd better believe it. Mmm.
Don't get your tongue trapped in his false teeth, Sally! Get out!
They'll behave tonight, I promise. Are you sure?
Look, I'm not having you sitting there on your 40th,
with two old aunties in an empty pub and a disco playing the Birdie Song!
It could be cosy! We need a few rabble-rousers to get up and boogie.
One thing this lot can do is rouse a bit of rabble. All right!
Here, take the invites.
See you later. Bye.
There's cash behind the bar, so get there early. Is it one drink each?
You'll be all right. Don't worry!
Susie, if you fancy a bit of old, that's the place.
Your lads'll be there, won't they? They're fit. Which one d'you fancy?
Both of 'em. They're not ready for you. I'll be gentle. That I find hard to believe!
Here, Ralph. More fun than playing with yourself in front of Channel 5!
Hey, watch where you're going!
But it'll be full of sad old gits like you. Scared you can't keep up?
It won't turn into a middle-aged orgy?! We wait till the youngsters go home before the thongs come off!
I've got some oldies' porn at home! There's that much wobble, I thought the tracking had gone on me video!
All right, love? Thanks. What did you get your Sally? Flowers, but I'm saving the big surprise for tonight.
Now, I hope it's the right size.
Bloody hell! It's HER birthday, not mine!
It covers up more than it reveals. Kev says that's vital at your age!
You cheeky sod! Oh, my God. Does it come with a guarantee?
Kev bought it. You know her size?!
I just shut me eyes and guessed!
Thanks, love. You're welcome.
All right, thanks.
MUSIC STOPS
Er, right, folks, this won't take long.
I want to thank you all for coming,
but, most of all, I'd like to say happy 40th to Sally.
CHEERING
Just to say that she grows more beautiful every day.
She's a cracking girl and I love her to bits.
Er...I'm getting embarrassing now.
I can tell, cos both my lads are trying to sneak out.
If you raise your glasses and sing a quick chorus of Happy Birthday,
then I'll put another ton behind the bar! Yeah! So...
# Happy birthday to you... # Come on!
# ..Happy birthday to you... # Let's get a drink.
# ..Happy birthday, dear Sally
# Happy birthday to you. #
CHEERING
What's this? My present to you.
Alan, is the float still on? He asked me to pay. I'll have a word.
What would I want with a vasectomy?
It's for me, you daft bugger. I'm having the snip for you. Yeah?
It's no big deal. I never thought you'd go private.
I can't let the NHS waste resources on my wedding tackle. What if they make a mistake?
It'll be a top surgeon.
Surgeons'd be plumbers if they hadn't been to public school!
It can stop a man performing.
Where've you read that, then?
Nick Stott had one and his wife left him.
Nick Stott with the pink rinse?!
It turned him the other way.
I was reading this Woman's Own at the dentist.
It was about being on the pill, side-effects and all that.
Well, with you being on it since you were 16,
apart from when we were banging out them two,
well, it didn't seem right.
No. Are you sure?
Course I'm sure. You deserve it.
Hmm. I wish you'd told me somewhere a bit quieter.
I could've, but this way it's harder for me to back out, isn't it?
It is.
I'll call you tomorrow night.
CAR HORN
Night-night.
Night, Dan.
Daniel. What?
Now you've got a young lady, there's something serious I need to ask you. What?
Does she go, or what?! You sad old git! That's why I asked. I don't believe you.
She looks familiar. Has she got an elder sister, works in breaker's yard? Sad!
Will you still be able to do that when you've, you know...had it done?
Everything'll work exactly the same. Oh, right(!)
Cheeky!
Is that what the doctor said? The doctor didn't say much at all.
He was about 12 years old. He was more embarrassed than me!
Mind you, he did have my nadgers in his hand at the time.
Weren't YOU embarrassed? No. I just lay back and imagined it was you...
with a lighter touch, you know. You bastard.
The condemned man ate a hearty breakfast!
It'll take more than you to reel me in.
# The first cut is the deepest...! #
Hey! So, who's doing the op, then?
Mr Bannister. Why? D'you know him? Does he go to the snooker club(?)
Not "Butcher" Bannister, the blind surgeon(?)
Leave him alone, you two.
I wish I'd had it done sooner.
18 years sooner, then I wouldn't have you two hanging off me wallet!
We know that's just your way of saying you love us!
Come on, we're gonna be late.
I don't want him doing a rush job!
Good luck and that, Dad. Don't overdo it. You'll have me filling up(!)
I'll go and wait inside.
And don't look so worried.
According to Gordon, you just feel a bit of a tug, that's all.
Well, if you change your mind...
It'll be great. You'll never have to worry about a late period,
and I'll never have to think about Nicky Butt to stop myself coming!
Oh, you're a good man, Alan Preston.
Hmm. All my wives say so.
Right. OK. Good luck. See you.
Er...my name is Alan Preston.
I've come to see Mr Bannister. The nurse'll take you to the vasectomy clinic soon. Take a seat. Thanks.
Morning, Alan. How are you? I think I caught a cold, wearing this thing!
Jump up onto the bench. If I jump in this, I might have your eye out!
OK. Don't I even get to watch?
Not recommended.
Not even to say goodbye? So, d'you like football, Alan?
Er...yeah, yeah.
Why? Does it make a difference?
It just helps to talk about something while it's happening. Oh, right.
OK, you'll feel a pinching sensation and that'll be the anaesthetic.
Do you do a lot of this? It's my job.
Do you ever get to the business end? The conversation's never as good.
Er...who did your prelim, Mr Preston? Sorry?
Your preliminary examination - who did it? I don't remember. Some kid with a name tag.
Why? What's wrong? Nothing. Nothing wrong, as such. It's complicated.
What is? I don't think you need this operation.
It should've been picked up by the doctor who examined you.
But I-I don't understand. You've got a very rare condition.
There's no tube between the testicle and the prostate.
Without that, you can't be fertile.
You're gonna be sore for no reason.
Since when? It's a congenital condition. You've always had it.
I've got two lads.
The doctor who examined you really should've picked this up.
Two grown-up lads. I saw them being born.
I realise this must be a shock.
Chris and Daniel, they're called. They look like me, both of them.
You're infertile, Mr Preston. You've always been infertile.
Bloody hell! That was quick!
There you go. Ooh.
So...how was it?
Fine. I'm fine.
Oh. You're feeling a bit sore, are you?
Alan?
Yeah.
Feeling sore.
You're sitting on it! I'm watching this!
Dad, tell your retarded son to get his fat arse off the remote!
Chris, get off! Chris!
Dick head.
'How much is the rent in your hall of residence?'
Dunno. Well, I dunno. You'd better find out.
It's about £500 a month.
Your loan's £2,000 a term...
VOICES ECHO
So, what d'you think, Alan? How much should we sub this lad for?
Come on, Dad. What d'you think I'm worth?
We could find out what Charles gave Prince William and double it. Chris.
So, what d'you think, Alan?
Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say.
Hiya, son.
Hello? I just want to say, about the other night...
You're not gonna tell me about the birds and the bees?!
You could tell me more than I could tell you. Are you winding me up?
Are you serious about this girl?
Dunno. I'm just... The thing is, son,
don't throw your life away on somebody. There's nothing worse.
She seems a nice girl and that,
but you're young and I want you to have a good time.
Right. I've got homework, Dad.
You've gotta look out for yourself in this world,
cos you can turn around a few years down the line and find you've not been living your own life.
Ah.
I'll leave you to your studying.
Al, it takes 30 orgasms before you're officially firing blanks.
How many've you got left to whack out? Not many, by the state of you!
You all right? Yeah. Nothing to it.
D'you get 'em to take home in a jar?
Is your Chris all packed? Yeah, as far as I know.
University - who'd have thought it
with your brains? What d'you mean?!
I know you've got a sore sack, but give us a break.
What's this? Your missus dropped 'em off.
When were you talking to my missus?! Aren't you gonna open it?
They've been scaled up, like!
Are you EVER gonna leave this alone?! Er...I don't think so.
What are you smirking at, you fat bastard?!
You stupid git! He always looks like he's smirking!
It's YOU, isn't it?!
Of course. It's YOU! What's me?
You bastard! I should've known. I don't know what you're talking about!
You call yourself a mate, you two-faced git?!
Now that's what I call a vasectomy. Shit! Al?
Al? Al, you all right, mate?
What the bloody hell is going on?! My office, now!
I don't think he can walk. Drag him. He can groan in his own time. Now!
What the bleeding hell was that about? I'm infertile.
I know that. The whole factory knows that. No.
I've always been infertile.
What? There's something wrong with me bollocks,
something technical. You can't be. What about Chris and Daniel?
They're not mine.
Well, whose are they? You tell me.
There's your cards. Now, piss off. You what? Jesus, you're sacking us?!
No, I'm scaring you, I hope.
I didn't think a bollocking'd work, because you'd already had one.
I wish I could sack you, but I've got Chadwick's warehouse on me back, you lucky sods. Thanks, Mac.
Yeah, thanks. So, what was it about? Anything I should know?
No. Lovers' tiff, then?
Yeah.
Get cleaned up and get back to work.
Today, Kev, you girl!
Kev, me!
How could you think it was me? Why not? Sally laughs at all your jokes.
You're a cocky twat. I was eight when your Chris was conceived!
Me head went. You know what size underwear she takes.
That was enough. Babs guessed, you daft bastard.
It made sense when I thought it, all right?
I sit at home, you know, and it's like she's laughing at me,
like she's been taking the piss all these years.
I look at them and convince meself it's any one of them. Every bugger I look at.
Even Ade? No, not Ade, obviously!
What did Sally say? Not told her.
I don't know if I'm going to.
Well, why? If I tell 'em, that's my life down the toilet too, you know,
and the lads, not just hers, so keep it to yourself. Fine.
I-I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do.
Maybe I'll just hit a few more people till I feel better.
It was Titch, Paddy Walsh, Pete and Owen. Owen was in the pub on Friday.
They painted the staff room windows black. How could Titch have helped?
He couldn't even reach. Maybe he held the ladders. Dad, you weren't there.
Well, Pete's going to art college, so he might have done it. Thank you.
Painting windows gets you into art college?!
Mum, cleaning windows gets you into art college!
TELEVISION IS ON >
What's that? Well, I know I'm not university material,
but I'd say it was a cup. And? Can I phone a friend(?)
Chuck it in the dishwasher, love.
What? Nothing.
Better start pulling your weight. It was only a cup. No, it wasn't.
It's him, playing the big shot just cos he's had a girl in his bedroom.
For God's sake! A bit of fumbling under your duvet makes you a man?!
Alan, calm down, will you? Well, you would take his side, wouldn't you?
Always do, all three of you. Taking the piss!
Nobody's taking the piss.
Sorry about the cup.
I'll tell you what being a man's about. Looking at your kids' lives
and realising that all you've got is stuff to look back on, mostly shit,
because you've been breaking your back bringing them up! Stop this.
You're upsetting the lad! You'd never upset him!
You'd rather lie to him!
Bastard!
What's happened to you, eh?
What is it? What's happened to you?
Have you been coming in here a while, then? All my life, mate.
I thought I recognised you. This used to be my old stomping ground a few years ago. Right.
Early '80s. You don't remember me?
What, were you on the pool team? Right. Yeah, that's it. Right.
That should put the smile back on your face.
Take more than that, love. What is it, then? Money or women?
Have you had my missus?
You what? You knew me the moment I walked in here.
Did you have my missus? I think you're at the wrong party, mate.
Don't turn your back on me. Have you had her? All right. I've had her,
and she said I was the biggest thing she'd ever had.
Wanna see pictures of your kids?
Hey! We haven't got a dancing licence.
Calm down. Eh?! You, out, now!
Gerry, there's a vodka here wants drinking. Go on, off you go, mate.
So what was all that about? Earlier on? I dunno.
Maybe I went back to work too soon.
Took more out of me than I thought.
I feel old.
I'm sorry.
What're you doing? What does it look like? You don't want a man like me.
Alan, come on, you're still you. You don't want ME. Yes, I do.
You know what really pisses me off?
Apart from having your balls cut open for no good reason?
The chances I've had, Kev.
The bloody chances I've had over the years to play away.
When was this? Loads of times, on the wagons at B&T.
There was that secretary - Dawn.
She used to throw herself at me every time I showed my face.
That waitress at the White Hart, Doreen, the child minder.
But, no, not Mr Family Man, here. That's the deal you make, isn't it?
You don't mess about because you'd hate it if she did.
So, it's not always perfect, but you stay at home.
No-one'd blame you if you did now. You've got the perfect excuse.
What's that? To play away. You mean, a revenge shag?
Whatever you get up to, you've got right on your side.
What you doing tonight, Kev? Playing crib? What?
Now you're in the old man's club. Trying to make yourself look younger? Alan's all right.
Your dance moves are the first thing to go. You'll be like this.
Listen, he's having a bit of grief.
Why's he talking to you, then?!
# When I get that feeling, I want sexual healing!
# Sexual healing... #
On for a few pints tonight, lads? In aid of what? Your education.
A quiz night, is it? You get to watch the master, the love machine.
I've got Fight Club on video. Let me tell you something.
When you're slumped in front of the TV with your missus and a kid upstairs,
you'll regret every single night
you didn't go out. All right, then.
Good lad! Tell Nick.
We'll be going down the bingo with him at this rate.
That's mine. Since when did you like Radiohead? I've always liked them.
Has Bob the Builder covered Fake Plastic Trees? Student humour!
Car boot sale, eh? If we get his stuff sorted, it'll be easy to pack.
Whatever you say. Can you get the roof rack on before tea? Sorry, I'm going out.
Shaving, eh?
Doesn't she like stubble, then?
What? Are you having an affair, Alan?
Is that what all this vasectomy business is about?
Why would I have a vasectomy if I was having an affair?
I don't know. Maybe she's asked you.
Maybe you've had a scare.
Maybe it'd explain all your up-and-down moods.
What girl is this that I'm supposed to be seeing? Could you tell me,
cos I'm buggered if I know who she is. Sorry. It's a daft thing to say.
It's just with you getting so upset about everything.
Come here.
Do you think I'd ever even look at another woman?
It's just you and me, isn't it?
Huh? Isn't that what it's always been? You and me?
Yeah, yeah. Just you and me.
Come on. Give us a hand.
Not you again.
I hope you're gonna behave tonight. Sorry about the other night, love.
My, er, divorce had just come through.
Er...three lagers, two bitters
and I'll be a good boy. Not TOO good, I hope.
I've still got it. It's her job to pretend she fancies you.
This is more than a professional interest.
One for yourself, as well, love. Anything up to 50p!
What about Snow White? Seven diamond miners and they all share a house.
Somebody's getting a huge rake-off!
And what does Snow White do when the royal family turns up?
Turns her back on the working classes. But they're dwarves.
She didn't mind when she'd nowhere to live. What's he playing at?
Is that why he's had the vasectomy?
Alan? Cheat on Sally? Come on.
- Why not if he can get away with it? - It's bloody sick.
Listen, you were slagging me off cos he was going to cramp our style.
- What about his lads? - They've practically left home.
- I'm not having any part of this. - No-one's asking you to join in!
I've watched enough old men chat up young birds. Coming?
Yeah, I suppose.
You coming? Just have a word with Casanova. Leave him. He's happy.
Are you set?
I'm on here. And you've proved your point, so, come on.
My chapati's going soggy. Don't let me stop you. It's just, er,
you're not really going to do it, are you? Why not?
You've got a wife. You know nothing about it.
Actually, I do. I know all about it.
Kev can't keep a secret as good as the one you gave him. He told you?!
Yeah. But just me, so don't worry.
I bet you'd be none the wiser on the NHS!
I think you're missing the point a bit. Yeah, well, come on.
Look, this is the best I've felt since I found out,
so just let me get on with it, all right?
Yes, love. Same again.
So, have you always been a barmaid?
Before I was married, I worked in a bookies.
All the heart-breaking jobs, then!
Then one day I looked at my husband and thought,
"If I'm going to pretend a drunken slob's attractive,
"I might as well get paid for it." Where is he now, then, your husband?
He's away fighting at a karate exhibition. Eh?
All right. No more questions.
I'm not married any more, if that's what you're worried about. Good.
You are though, aren't you?
There's only one right answer to that question. Too right.
I'm not divorced. I know this sounds like a line, but it's over.
It's well and truly over.
And I know this is stupid and the last thing you need is a middle-aged man on the rebound,
but I'd really like to sleep with you,
and I thought if I just said it, I wouldn't spend the rest of my life despising myself for not saying it.
So...that's it.
It's out of my system.
This is where you tell me to piss off!
SHE LAUGHS
Ow! Oh! What is it?! What did I do?
It wasn't you, it wasn't you.
You really are weird, aren't you?
I'd better go. I'd better go.
Yeah. I think you better had.
How'd you get on last night?
Nothing happened. Nothing could ever happen. I don't want anybody else, just Sally.
What? I don't get it.
I haven't stopped loving her, or the kids. I don't want to.
So, you told Barney all about it, then? Well, it just slipped out.
Get anywhere with that barmaid, Alan? I did, yeah.
The A to Z of love-making,
and a few more letters I made up for the night. Did the stitches hold(?)
I don't know how much your snip cost you, but it's costing me thousands.
He's so fascinated by your genitalia I've started to worry about him!
I'm going to try and make it work with Sally.
I don't care what you think. Fine.
I realised last night those lads DO know who their real dad is.
I'm their real dad. I brought them up.
I've always been there for them when they were sick, or had nightmares,
or were in trouble at school. That's what makes you a dad.
Don't you reckon, eh?
Al, I think you've mixed me up with someone who gives a shit.
I felt bad about the fight and what you found out.
I mean, you're a sound bloke, but it's Tommy Cooper, innit? What is?
A friend in need is a pest. Right. Message understood.
It's nothing personal. I'm just not Rikki Lake.
What's all this? D'you think you can still dance in that dress? Why?
We're going out. Where to? Northern Soul night. You are joking!
SOUL MUSIC PLAYS
Leave that, Mum. OK, OK.
Right, well...that's the lot. Right.
Here. You look after yourself.
Dad, I don't need this much...
You deserve it. I don't want anybody saying my lad can't get his own round in. Thanks.
Right, then. OK. We'd better be off. You know, traffic, and that.
Ta-ra, love.
Look after yourself, lad. You know where we are if you need us. Bye.
We're both very proud of you, me and your mum.
Oh, give us a hug, you bastard.
Oh. Daniel!
Can't be too careful.
Just listen to that.
Silence.
Hey. How's about that, then?
Just me and you again.
We'll have to get Scrabble so we've still got something to row about.
Joke!
Alan? I can't do this.
Can't do what? What is it?
I thought I could do this, but I can't.
What?
I don't understand.
I was thinking, er, we might...
I was thinking we should call it a day,
you and me. Eh? What are you talking about?
I know, Sally.
I know the children are not mine.
What?! How can they not be yours?
You tell me.
Why are you saying these things?
They can't be mine! I can't have kids!
I found out when I went for the vasectomy!
I can't father children. I never could. All right?
How long are we gonna sit here? Until you tell me the truth.
There was somebody else.
Thank you.
But nobody can tell me those lads aren't yours,
not a surgeon, not you. Nobody.
But there was someone else?
Yeah.
And was this someone else around when you were getting pregnant?
Yeah.
And has he got a name, or didn't you get that far?
Of course he's got a name.
Was there just the one? Or do you wanna give me a list?
Oh, a slut with morals. Now there's a novelty!
Oh, come on, don't do that, Alan.
I love you. I love everything about you. That's why I tried to just ignore it,
but it won't stop banging away in there! I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
So what was his name?
You didn't know him. How long did it go on for?
Six...
Six years. I know there's no reason why you should believe me, but you were the love of my life.
I stayed with you because I always knew it was you who I loved.
What I did was stupid and lazy, but I've never wanted to leave you.
Did it never occur to you that the kids was his? No.
We were... Well, we were careful.
Brilliant(!) I'm firing blanks while Superman had armour-piercing spunk!
He wasn't Superman. He wasn't anybody. What was his name?
Andrew Headon.
He lived on our street when we lived in Reddish.
He was always doing the gardening
and one day I was admiring his flowers and he came out and we started talking,
then he brought some cuttings round.
It wasn't any great passion. We weren't gonna get carried away.
He was just...quiet, I suppose.
Nobody noticed him.
And you were always the life and soul. I thought you liked that.
I DO...but, sometimes, well...
you know, it's like when you announced the vasectomy at my 40th,
it was funny and I liked it,
but it was MY birthday,
and suddenly it was YOUR party.
And it's always been like that.
Your party.
Does that make any kind of sense? No, not really.
It was cos it meant so little that it went on for so long.
It was never a threat because I always knew it was you who I loved.
I'll never tell those boys that he's their dad, because you are.
They're all yours... and that's all there is to it.
Why can't I hate you?
If I could only hate you, it would be so much easier.
I'll help you pack if you want to go. Of course I don't want to bloody go!
Hiya!
Oh, hello, love.
Why are you smoking? You've not smoked in ages.
I know, it's daft. I just got a bit upset about our Chris going away.
Right.
Dad, I couldn't have a shower after football!
ALAN SOBS
Dad?
I know what's going on.
Not now, lad. You're having an affair, aren't you?
That's what this is about.
Going out all the time, crying in the bathroom.
Shagging someone behind Mum's back!
Should you tell him, or should I?
Don't, Alan.
Stop treating me like a kid. I know what's going on. You're always quick on the uptake. What?
Who do you think you got that off? Your mum, or your dad?
Why are you changing the subject? I'm not. ..What do you think?
Has he got his mum's brains or his dad's?!
I'm sorry, son. We've just been going through a bit of a hard time.
Is this what it's going to be like from now on? You torturing me every chance you get?
I just thought I could go on like nothing had happened...
..but sometimes I look at you
and I'm gone. And I just want to hurt you.
Make you feel like I feel.
And there's nothing I can do, nothing I can say to make it better?
You can tell the boys. No, Alan.
Come on. We both agreed.
It has to be that way. Why does it?! It's best if they know.
I'll tell them if you won't. So YOU can feel better?!
That's worth ruining their lives for? This secret is theirs too.
What if they find out in 20 years? What would it do to them?
There's no way they will find out. I tell the boys. It's done, over,
it's out in the open.
We deal with it!
It's the only way. The only bloody way.
What's up with your boyfriend?
I dunno. Men can be so cruel!
Where you going? Out. Don't you want to see Chris?
I saw him last week. Wait. I want to talk to you about something.
I'll miss the bus. There he is.
Chris. Hiya, son. How's it going? It's only been a week. Come inside. Tell us all about it.
There you go.
Well, go on, then, open them.
So, Chris, how's it going at college, then? It's all right.
Any lessons yet? Lectures start next week.
Have you met your teachers? It's not school, Dad.
They don't show us to our desks.
You're forgetting I did my HND at Stockport Tech. What's up, Dad?
Nothing's up. You never sit down and talk to us unless someone's died,
so what's going on? They're splitting up. What?!
That's not true. When they took his balls away, they took his brains!
He's been playing away. Is that true?
No. It's not. It's more serious than that. Is it Mum?
Is she ill? She's looking terrible.
No. When I said serious, what I MEAN is...
The thing is... it's about my vasectomy.
Change the record, would you? Will you stop interrupting, eh?
The thing is... I found something out.
Well, I found something out when I had the snip.
What?
Well, it was quite a shock.
Apparently, er...
a doctor should have picked it up sooner.
Er...they found a lump.
A growth, a tumour,
and they took it out and it's, you know, it's been tested and it's all gonna be fine.
But that's why I've been behaving like a bit of a twat recently.
A lump? Bloody hell, Dad. Why didn't you say something?
I didn't want to worry anyone. You should've told us.
Nobody knew. Not even Mum?
No. And I don't want her knowing.
This is between the three of us. She's got a right to know.
No. Some things are better just left alone.
She should be told the truth. The truth isn't all it's cracked up to be. He's right, Danny.
She'd only worry herself sick. Good.
That's settled, then. Not a word.
Right! Let's have this drink now.
Cheers. Cheers.
Are you reporting a burglary? Nothing's missing, but somebody's tried forging me signature.
The notepaper's from me telephone pad. And that's kept in the house? Well, yeah.
It's Tina? Tina. I'm Gary.
I'll see you, then, Tina.
I hadn't even met her six months ago. Is that your signature or not?
Listen, I'm telling you! I ain't done anything!
Subtitles by Neil Gemmill BBC Scotland - 2002
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