'Are you reporting a burglary?' No. ..I don't know.
Well, yeah. 'And they got your credit card?'
No, I've still got the credit card. 'So nothing's missing?'
Nothing's missing. But someone tried forging my signature. 'In a shop?'
No, it's just a piece of notepaper. I found it in me garden this morning. 'So, not in the house?'
'They could have just rooted through your bins.' But the notepaper's from my telephone pad.
'And that's kept INSIDE the house?' Well, yeah!
'Do you want to bring it in so we can have a look at it? ..Give us your name again.' Gary Dugdale.
'D-U-G...'
D-A-L-E. 68 Stanton Road.
There you go.
I'll get that, thanks.
Hiya. Gary, we've lost about a stone
while you've been poncing about.
I've grown a pair of tits here!
In his dreams! In YOURS!
Hey, Jacko! He's here!
I'm not happy about this. How come? You pay me for a one-to-one. So?
You bring all your mates! A group session costs more. We're members! It's not MY fault they're here.
It's like Trigger Happy - "Can't park here!" I've paid me subs. It's no good copying Gary's system -
you've all got different bodies! Not for long! Can we get on with it? Right, warm-up...
Set your monitor to Program 3 - random.
ALL MACHINES BEEP
See?! They're winding you up! ..How long? Ten minutes, then move up to Program 4.
Ten minutes, then up to Program 4.
I don't know what I'M laughing for. It's ME who's paying!
Don't be tight. You're loaded!
You don't remember me?
Safeway's car park? You reversed into my trolley.
Oh, yeah! OK, yeah. Sorry about that. You got me on the blind spot.
How WERE the eggs? Cat food...mostly.
Well, again...sorry.
Tina! Come on, this was YOUR idea. I'm not going in on me own! See you!
Hi, Gary.
Thanks(!) Again.
What? Late!
BELL RINGS
See?
What're YOU doing? Nothing. Just having a smoke. It's dinner time. You can go ANYWHERE for a smoke!
Freda! This is a good length...
Aye...
OK. Deal. You take what you want, but you take that cage down in the lift. I saw nothing.
OK. Yeah.
'Ere you are, Julie.
All right, Gary?
BELL RINGS
Are you following me? Oh, hiya. You live round here?
No, I drop a workmate off. Rendell Street. My local's always run out of milk by tea time. I hate Long Life.
Which must mean YOU do?
What? Live round here?
Oh...yeah, Stanton Road. Right.
Best get going.
Nice to see you.
(Shit!)
Nothing. I just thought you couldn't start your car. No, I just never use it when I'm driving!
Mum, I'll have to go.
Fancy a drink sometime? I don't KNOW you!
OK!
Yeah? I can't do weekends. OK. Tuesday, Thursday, I'm down the gym. OK.
So, Monday, Wednesday or Friday. Yeah...OK!
Which? Yeah...er, Wednesday. Tomorrow? Half-seven?
OK.
It's Tina? Tina. I'm Gary.
I'll see you then, Tina.
How do I know you'll be there? I definitely will.
How come, if you haven't said WHERE? I said Black Bull. Nope! Ashley Road! You didn't! Well, there.
I don't NOT have a girlfriend cos it's a problem - I just don't have one.
When was your last relationship? Does it matter?
It's not important. It's just conversation.
August.
Girl called Ellen. Long-term?
Fortnight. That's the Ellen you met in Spain, then? How do YOU know?
You met her in August, when everybody is away. And that T-shirt you wear in the gym says "Menorca 2001".
And it lasted a fortnight. ..I'm clever like that.
ALARM BLEEPS
Bit posh!
It's me dad's house.
BEEPING STOPS
You live with your dad? No.
If it's not a personal question, why are you making coffee?
Dunno!
Tina?
Thought you had to be up for half-six?
I'll set the alarm on the mobile.
I'm not used to sleeping...
actually SLEEPING with anybody.
I'll get a taxi.
I'll pay for it.
WOMAN: Hiya, Gary. All right?
You've got an alarm? I don't set it. It keeps going off. That's the idea.
Neighbours are good. They always check. ..It just goes off. Sounds like a circuit fault or something.
Day or night? Just day. It only goes off when you're not in the house, but you think it's a dodgy circuit?!
It just sounds like it's working to me. ..Nothing's been nicked, has it?
I don't think so. Not all this stuff is mine. How many people live here? Just me. What do you do?
Mackintosh Textiles. Some of it's me dad's. It used to be his place. He's dead. Oh, I see. I'm sorry.
So, you give her one? Yeah.
She any good? Yeah.
Was she dirty? Normal.
There's no such thing as normal. I'm not telling YOU, you perv!
You leave it too long between jumps. You get flattered and they walk all over you. Like I need YOUR advice(!)
But actually, er... she's not phoned me back since.
You're probably shite in the sack. I've no sympathy!
Have you tried talking to her?
Dunno know where she lives. Ring her! She didn't give us a number.
Sounds like you were dead on arrival! Least you got laid. Count your blessings, move on.
She'll be at the gym. Would you give her my number? Sod off! I don't want to feel like a prick. Me, neither!
What's it gonna look like? "Me mate says will you ring him?" Give her the number. If she rings, she rings.
LOUD DANCE MUSIC
MUSIC DROWNS OUT CONVERSATION
'It's Kev. I gave her your note. She reckons you're the worst lay she ever had. So I'm taking her out Saturday!'
Cheers, Kev! You're right up there. 'Yeah, cos you're way down THERE. I've got to get off. See you later.'
Kev, bit pissed, said he passed me note on.
If ever there was a good excuse to shoot the messenger, Kev's the best. He's a laugh!
You off home? Well, you won't want me staying.
How come you couldn't find me yourself?
If you were gonna say no, I didn't want to be there. I'm more likely to say no to a prick like Kev than YOU.
Anyway, what's wrong with hearing "no" every now and again? Kev knows how to talk to women.
Like a ten-year-old? You think that's endearing?! He does OK.
If your sole ambition's to get your end away, sure! As opposed to...? Finding a mate.
Which am I?
You know there's a difference, or you'd never have sent him.
I'm just not that confident about meself. Would you ever want to be?
No!
Is this your dad's bed?
Yeah. When's he back?
He died last March.
Right. Miss him?
Never met him.
I have to be up at half-six.
I only realised I was adopted when he died and I got this place. If you don't wanna talk about it, I'm fine.
I'M not. I moved in here end of January. It's still like walking round a museum. Where's your mum?
She died the year I was born. I got adopted by... Well, I didn't KNOW I was adopted by...my "parents".
Me and my brother, Steve.
Which one's you? He's younger.
Do you think we look alike? Well, yeah.
I used to think so. But we're from separate parents.
I got home from work one day and there's a solicitor's letter.
I thought I was in trouble for something. But they told me I owned a house. The whole house!
Our parents should have told us. You weren't told you were adopted? Which kind of screwed me up for a while.
Not exactly on speaking terms. You and your brother? No, Steve's still in touch...when he wants to be.
Do you want me to come round... tonight?
Come on! Front? Back? Hard? Slow? Mirrors? Accessories? Come on!
If you get a hard-on hearing what I do with a woman, you need looking at! You're like a bloody virgin!
Hey, at least I'VE got a pulse! # Like a virgin...
# Touched for the very first time...! #
You're always feeding ME and it's getting a bit one-way! I don't mind. I do.
Get a drink, put some music on, and watch me cook. High taste, low fat, which sums up my best ambitions.
And you don't wash up! You're not allowed to wash up, right?
Why not? You clean this place like it's not yours. It was left to you for a reason. Just LIVE in it!
CRE-E-EAK!
What?
It's just the floorboards, Gary!
Everywhere I look, there are personal belongings of somebody I've never met.
Things aren't always where I left 'em.
I don't believe in stuff like that.
It's like...when you drop a pen, and you reach down to pick it up, but it's not there.
Days later, you find it in another room. That's a brain thing, not a ghost thing.
Well, it definitely happens round here. A lot.
I know that sounds mad, but...
You just sound a bit mixed-up, Gary.
And why shouldn't you?
I like the clock. We could do a deal on it.
I'm looking to get rid of most of it.
Clock's a sweetie. Probably...£200.
Table and chairs...
90 quid. Leather chair... £90 for the table and chairs?! They're a bugger to shift. Who eats nowadays?
Leather chair, 50. Oh, come on, Geoff! 50?!
OK...
Done!
No. OK, I'll give you a ring. What about? I'd snatch his hand off if I were YOU, love.
Or, "OK, you're taking the piss." Forget it. Fine, YOUR shout. Yeah, it's MY shout.
And I've already been offered £1,500 for the table and chairs. NOW who's taking t'piss?
That's how much he offered. More fool HIM. Fine!
THEY ARGUE
Me wallet! Did you get it off the dressing table? It was in me pocket! It was on the dressing table. Sorry.
Shit! I'll stick it on MY card. You don't have to! We're not gonna drive back. ..Bet he did that deliberately!
Mum got lonely and wanted me back. So I had to give the flat up.
I didn't mind, but... I wish I'd just rented it out now.
This has only felt like MY space since you turned up.
Hiya, Gary! Hiya. Before I forget - money for the furniture. I'd have trusted you with a cheque, you know!
She's a bit odd. Well, not odd, just...loud!
I can cope with that.
Mum!
Gary.
Oh, God, where's the light?
The aura. She talks like he's a saint - I'm looking for the aura(!) Pleased to meet you, Maggie.
You don't know me well enough to call me Maggie. It's Margaret to you. I told him to call you that.
Right, come in.
Cheers!
Now...! Oh, that's lovely.
THEY CHAT AND LAUGH
Look what we have here! Hey-y, Tina as a baby!
Look at her. Her wee face and her... Piggy nose.
Stop!
Oh, look!
Yeah-h-h! If you think THAT'S good, right...
All right, Gary? Nice one, fella.
Happy engagement. Thanks very much!
LOUD DANCE MUSIC
I-I love Tina.
She thinks like I do... and I think like SHE does.
I-I don't know what else to say!
I think, um...Gary's said it all.
I'd like to thank you for the money, rather than presents. We didn't need furniture, cos we've done that, so...
if nobody minds, we're going to put all this towards St John's Hospice, who looked after Gary's dad.
Not that we don't need the money, it's just they need it more than us, so...thank you, everybody.
Hello! Did you have a lovely time? Brilliant! Brilliant. You got the weather, then, obviously.
Tenerife's gorgeous - you'd love it.
Would I? ..Gary, I hope she's still a virgin. We want none of that till you've married the girl. Eh?
Gary...leave me alone! Tina! What's happened? If you don't leave me alone, I'm ringing the police.
What? Tina?! I'm ringing the police! Let me in! Open the front door. Let me in!
Let me in, Tina! Let me in! He's trying to kick the door in!
Tina!
SIREN WAILS
Tina!
Get away! Let me in! He's upstairs.
BANGING
Tina! Get away from me!
OK, you've had your fun. Step outside. No! She's in there. She's hurt. TINA!
Fine, yeah. Step outside, and let us have a look. No, she's in there! Someone's hit her or summat!
Get off me. Calm down! Get off me! Calm down! Give it a rest!
Get off! Get him outside. What about HER? Get him to t'van and come back.
SHOUTING
Just keep walking. NO!
Just listen to me! Calm down, or you've nowhere to go, all right? We'll sort it out!
Listen...I'm telling you, I haven't done anything!
HE BANGS ON DOOR
I haven't DONE anything!
Hey, it's OK. He can't touch you. We're gonna get you to hospital. I don't want to go to hospital.
It's in your best interests to be seen by a doctor, even just to say you've been seen by a doctor.
Come on. It'll be all right.
I didn't finish work till everybody else did! I drove home. Ask anybody.
Any witnesses? Passengers?
No! Nobody lives where I do. I drove straight home.
It's a 20-minute journey. I finish at 5.00. I got home at 5.30. Check! That's 30 minutes.
There was an accident on the A34! Check!
Why would I hit her? I love her!
Yeah?! I couldn't hit her.
I've never hit anybody. I've never hit ANYBODY. Check!
You'd better talk to your solicitor. Am I being charged? Not right now.
Have you GOT a solicitor? Yeah.
No, not for this - for the house. Look, can I just talk to her?
That's the last thing she wants. Why, what's she saying?
She's with the police surgeon.
Can I go home? Not if SHE needs to. It's MY house! Your solicitor will have to deal with that.
She's changed the bloody locks... and it's my house! And I'm sure that means everything to you, Gary.
Where is she?! Hey!
What's going on? Where's Maggie? Turn around and walk out, pal.
I just want to tell her I didn't do anything. Wrong house. There's no Maggie here. Turn and walk.
I'll hit you... Maggie lives here. She lives here.
WE live here, and you're scaring my wife.
BABY WAILS
I won't ask again.
He's not staying. Look at the state of him! No. If he's whacked his girlfriend...
Gary wouldn't. He says he didn't.
All right. OK.
One night. But I'm at me mum's till he's gone.
OK, OK, OK.
Listen, Gary...
She's nervous...and it's not been a brilliant time for us... so I can't help you, mate.
I can ring Kev...
Do you want a drink?
ALARM BLARES
Why are YOU here? We were on this earlier. We're bringing Tina home. Not if HE'S in there.
Give us your keys, love.
What's the alarm code?
Or you shut it off.
2-5-8-0. You can change it when we've gone.
Right, we'll check inside first, all right?
I'll have a butcher's in here. Yeah. I'll go in the middle one...
It's clear in here. Nowt in here.
It was him - one of the neighbours clocked him.
You can bring her in. ..Is he a regular? No, first-timer.
How long's it gonna take for your friend to arrive? She was in a taxi already, so...straight away.
There's a bloke coming to board your window up. Have you got money? Tina!
Tina!
Who are you? Shirley. Tina's mate.
You're friends or you work together, or...? Never mind me! You lot are no use - standing around, gawping.
I'm going. You said he wasn't here! I just need one thing. ..What have you told 'em?
Get him out! She said her name was Maggie. She said that was her mum! Get out!
You're a liar. You are a liar! Come on, Gary, get out!
If I did it, why have I not been charged? I'll be driving past here every ten minutes...
If I so much as smell you, you're locked up! I didn't do it! That woman - she told me it was her mum!
Get in the car, I'll run you to a mate's. Piss off! I've got my own car. Gary, calm down! Piss off!
She's had enough - I'm gonna run her a bath.
Oh, my God! Are you bleeding?
..It's our Gary! It's nothing. Nothing. Oh, yeah?
Dad.
I thought you weren't calling me that these days. Leave it out!
Look at the state of you! What's happened?
I don't know.
I've no idea.
I had to get 'em out of bed. She said she wants a full one buying back for the nuisance of it all.
I don't know why she'd come out with this shit if you had nothing to do with it. Me neither.
Was she attacked? Maybe she thought it was you... I'm not being funny,
but unless I've missed anything major, this sounds like half a tale.
I'd do that to a woman?! You think I've flipped and I don't remember?!
Why would I not tell you if I knew more?
Well, it's hard to judge. You only told us you were getting engaged two days before the party.
Our Steve says, "Where's the harm in that?" but we were very hurt, Gary... So was Steve, truth be told.
Do you know where Steve's hanging out? He's back here. Manchester-based, delivering cars.
Odd hours, so we're just a bed, but it's nice to be that.
I know you think we hurt you big-style, and...
It probably sounds childish to say, "Quits," but...
you know what I'm saying.
COIN SPINS RAPIDLY
SPINNING ECHOES
SILENCE
Me, creeping about.
Sorry, mate.
So...how's it going? Don't answer that.
Mum was jabbering ten to the dozen. She's pissed, but I got the gist. What...?
It's all right. We'll talk about it tomorrow. Go back to sleep.
How come you didn't tell me you'd got a new job? You're never in.
I've got a mobile. Like we can all afford to ring mobiles(!)
So...
Bust-up with the bird?
A bit more than that. OK, bust up with the fiancee, then?
More than that.
..Come on, boy. Come on!
..She's got blonde hair. Nope. Definitely doesn't work here, pal.
She's only just moved in. She has receipts for furniture. Which I paid her back for.
Well, you jointly own the title deeds to the property. No.
It's in my name. I inherited it. You told me! You signed Christina onto the deeds six months ago.
Who's Christina? Chris-Tina.
I hadn't even met her six months ago.
Is that your signature or not?
No!
You watched me sign it? No, I don't handle conveyancing. You did it through our Mrs Heyworth. I didn't!
That's a serious accusation. ..Could you ask Mrs Heyworth to step into my office immediately?
Gary, is it true that you've had psychiatric problems in the past? No!
I got antidepressants prescribed 18 months ago for something that...
Who said "psychiatric"?! It's important that you are very honest with me. I need to build a case.
Why would I lie? Who said "psychiatric"?
That's totally untrue. I got the prescription stuff - I didn't even take it. Who said it?!
KNOCK AT DOOR
Ah, Mrs Heyworth.
This is Gary Dugdale.
You transferred his title deeds into joint names six months ago. Hello again. You've never met me.
Have you? I'm not sure. What's going on?
I'm not sure, but I think we'd better take a seat... You're sacked!
I'm gonna sue the arse off you.
No, you don't! Piss off! I came to apologise.
Fine. Piss off! I made a mistake. I scared you and your wife, and I'm sorry.
Apology accepted. But I have been in the house before.
Tuesday 18th Feb. My girlfriend brought me here to meet a woman she said was her mum. Forget it! No!
She said she was called Maggie, but her real name's Shirley.
Shirley had you in here? Tuesday 18th Feb.
When we were in Spain... You'd best come in.
Your bloody Auntie Shirley's caused this. ..Tell her what you told me.
Shirley!
It's me. Open up! Now!
Why me? I don't know what you're talking about.
You didn't just lift me out of the phone book! You could go to prison!
Look, you're a nice fella. It's not personal. ..He's barred.
Hiya. Yours is in the bottom oven, love. There's no red cabbage left.
I had to work late.
They're not ideal circumstances, but I think it's nice having us all under the same roof.
Your dad thinks so, too. It's been a hard year for all of us,
but we're stronger than to let a thing like this come between us.
Have you ever used the keys to my house? What?!
No!
Apart from when you had that telly delivered, and I sat in for you...
Not since, because you made it clear that we weren't... Whatever.
You've put the alarm code on the key ring. No, I haven't.
23rd March - 2303.
Yeah, I put "23rd March", but not "2303". I'm not daft, Gary!
But not on anybody else's. You're the only person we know with an alarm.
Our Stephen's doing well. Well, he's sober and working, which he seems to think he deserves a medal for!
When did he start kipping here? New Year. Well, off and on since October, when he lost his flat.
What's he doing now?
I can't remember.
Ask him!
What do you think you're doing?!
Gaz, get off!
You've done this! Get off! Nobody else knew I'd been on Prozac!
You're hurting me! Talk to me now, or you're dead!
What's going on? ..Gary!
Open up! I'm not kidding!
You used their keys to get into my house! Gary, just back off! Calm down!
You copied my signature!
You're the only person who could have! What are you talking about?!
How do you know Tina?
How do you know Tina? Gary, please!
All right! I do, I just do.
What's he saying? What did he say?
Stephen, get out here now and tell me what you've... Is she a prostitute?
Is that how you met her?
You screwed her?
No.
I just offered her a deal.
She's a businesswoman.
"Screw Gary and his paid-for house, and walk away with half of it."
Dead easy - she's a good-looking girl.
And she's clever.
And she's got the law on her side, so you won't win - you can't win.
It's my fault I inherited a house?! It's your fault you walked away.
What are you on about, walked away?! From here! This. Me.
You knew where I was. Oh, I knew where you were, Gary.
My argument's with Mum and Dad, not you! I gave you five grand,
as soon as me dad's money came through, you bastard!
Thank you(!) The bike's outside, if you want it back. You little shit! You beat her up so she'd blame me?!
No, I never touched her. I've seen her face! No, Shirley did all that.
I warned them. I said it was over the top, and not fair on you if you ended up doing time for it.
They didn't trust me, obviously.
It wasn't my shout any more. They'd got their eye on the prize, and nobody - not me, not you -
can do anything about that.
She'll get half the house. And more, if she presses charges for assault.
I offered you a room. Yeah, you did, Gary, cheers.
You'd have lived rent-free. I'd have split the house with you. Not interested.
I'd have given you money - any money you asked for. Definitely not interested.
Open up!
What's going on?
Gary! Steve?
Big, paid-for Gary...
finds out who his real dad is.
House in Didsbury, car, bank account...
Wahey!
Yeah?
No, he goes and has a breakdown!
You make me sick.
Meanwhile, big nonce Steve here is thinking,
"Well, if they lied to Gary...it stands to reason - they lied to me."
I'm not theirs either.
But that pair...
That pair of lying twats out there
had me believing for 24 years - 24 years! -
that I came from...normal trash, round-here trash.
Not the kind of freaks I tracked down, and I mean freaks.
That's where you left me, Gary -
having to cope with all that.
But you were too up your own arse to even ask about me.
They weren't lies. Oh, no?! Eh?! 24 years!
That's all you did well - lie! Shut up, Stephen, or I'll have to...
You got a home, you got a family.
Thanks for that big effort(!)
When you came to us, you had two broken arms, Stephen. You couldn't feed yourself for a year.
Why would anybody want to tell you that? I'm sick of being blamed for everything!
I didn't think it'd go this far.
You shouldn't be here. That was MY line.
Gary's changed his mind, Tina. He'd rather go to court.
Fine by me. Law's on MY side.
Bits of it are. Well, I never forged any signatures. You can't back out.
Well, that's what I'm saying. You're not the only one with any evidence.
He's got the original... which he found by the bins,
which he reported to the police in January. So?
So the original's got my prints on it. That's YOUR problem, mate.
That police report pre-dates you living here - or PRETEND living here!
It nearly worked.
I apologise. Pack your bags, Tina.
No chance. Now, come on, don't piss about!
I'm ringing the police.
I've signed an affidavit with his solicitor, admitting the signature's a forgery.
Too many people know, Tina.
And they've got your prints on all the same documents, so...
..Has he told you what a wanker he thinks you are?
Which I can testify to... Whinging tosser! Never met a bloke like you. It was like shagging a five-year-old.
You wait to be told what to think. "It's a mess!" "No, it isn't." "Oh, OK."
"I don't know how to cope." "You do." "Oh, OK." You're pathetic!
That's rich coming from a prossie!
You're dead for this.
Yeah? Good. It'll stop me being a big disappointment all round.
I mean, DEAD for this... He says you can keep any engagement pressies.
He can shove them up his arse! Might provoke a smile.
He needs to know if you're clean...
..as in unprotected sex.
He really hates you.
Welcome home.
Is this your house?! How come you've not had any parties?
Round the back. You sure about this? Course he is. Come on, I wanna get back for the match.
It'll go through the front door, surely? I can't believe you haven't changed your mind. Say now.
Come on, come inside.
Right, 30 seconds from walking in the door to shut it down. I won't remember that number.
Any number you want. You can reprogramme it. Like four zeros?
Yeah, if you're really thick.
I won't get in here in 30 seconds - I'm always carrying stuff. You'll have to learn.
Right, come on.
Oh, my God! What have you done?
You wouldn't have liked my choice of furniture!
My stuff will look awful in here. Where is it? Are they bringing it in?
# Ta-da! #
No!
Why not? No! Why not?
Someone might want that. Burn it.
Go on! Burn it!
Get it all on, fat boy.
Yes!
Who's there? Hiya.
We'll probably have to get married or something. Yeah, probably.
We're talking about a £3 million-a-year order!
A couple of my machinists have the flu. Could you handle it in your place?
Have you laid anybody off?
I sent the cutting room home.
A bit of forward planning... I can't do anything about a flu epidemic, you prick!
Can't the wages wait? Miranda, it's over 300 people's lives.
Mackintosh Textiles - can you hear that name? I hear it. Mackintosh is as much me as you!
Catch.
What's this? You said you wanted your own business... You can have mine.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media