JAMIE: It was on the radio -
men find pregnant women sexy. Yeah?
What station's this? Radio Perv(?)
It's true. They've got this glow.
They've got a big, fat lump. Like going to bed with a beer belly.
Don't knock it till you've tried it!
'Kev... Kevin Leach. It's your wife. She's on her way to the hospital.' CHORUS OF CHEERS
If I could get out of this bed...! You could make my tea.
..I'm only kidding. No, you're not.
Eight pound...something. Name's gonna be Shannon. A boy or a girl?
Hey, Kev, does she look like you? No, Colin, she looks like you, so we're having her put down.
Hey! ANYBODY wanna buy me a drink, form a queue. Piss off!
Baby shit doesn't smell like ordinary shit - it's concentrated.
You'll be telling me it's green, next. Sleep deprivation's torture. Torture is listening to your shit.
MEN: Ooh! No, I'm serious.
The responsibility of looking after my little girl won't be easy.
Jesus, God!
Kev!
Stay where you are, mate. ..Get an ambulance.
Just stay still. Just stay still.
Cheers, mate.
Oh, Kev.
Yeah.
It could've been a lot worse.
It might've been twins.
TV IS ON
I could get used to this. I thought
you already were used to it.
Monday morning, 11 o'clock, all the lads will be working their balls off.
Hey, have you got any sauce?
How much did this lot cost? I dunno. I wasn't counting.
Did you land on your head, or what?
Here you are. Try them on.
Kev, a whole person has just come out my belly.
I can hardly get my arse into the car, let alone size ten trousers.
Give it a few weeks. And how are we gonna pay for this lot on sick pay?
I've been to see that bloke, the lawyer.
He reckons - and this happens - some idiot crashes into you, you'll get compensation. Like, ten grand.
For a fractured leg and some stitches? Yeah. That, and the trauma and depression.
But you're not depressed.
That's not what the psychologist reckons. What psychologist?
The one who's gonna see me like this.
"I've just had a new baby and...
"I'm too nervous to pick her up. It's ruined my life."
Class! ..Isn't it, Shannon, eh?
You always were a jammy bastard. I'm just making the most of the situation.
Illegally, cos you walked backwards into that road. My solicitor says we threaten to take her to court
and the insurance companies will talk figures. You might want to GET this money before you spend it, Kev.
Yeah, they're not gonna just pay up ten grand. We're going to say she should've stopped. Why didn't she?
So they might lose.
And with the baby and the trauma, my bloke says for sure they'll settle it out of court.
I'm sorry I dived out of the way now. Can I say I was traumatised watching my mate get run over(?)
A mate like Kev, gotta be worth... 50 quid? You're so flush, get the beers in. No chance.
Get the vodkas in! C'mon, boys!
Kev, she's here, that woman whose car hit you.
What you gonna do? Well, I'm not going to hide from her. Why should I?
Hello.
I know you're probably... that I am the last person you want to see, but...
I just wanted to see how you are and...to tell you that I'm sorry.
That's all.
I spoke to your wife and she told me that this is where I could find you.
And that you have a new baby.
That's the best thing, for anyone.
Better than winning the Lottery or playing at Old Trafford. Better than being hit by a car?
If there is any way I could help you...I would like to... if you wanted.
I felt sorry for her. She seemed all right. Twat off! She deserves it. Tasty, though. Aye.
Maybe you could get to shag her as part of the compensation. Hey, Kev, do it again.
Better than being hit by a car?
"Better than the best thing. Better than playing at Old Trafford."
"Hey, c'mon. Oh, that's good".
I came here, because I can't sleep.
I close my eyes and I see you on the ground, all smashed up. I wanted you to be all right.
So...
Well, now I can see that you ARE all right.
And I can see what kind of man you are, to want me to suffer, to enjoy that...
to laugh at it.
I can't even bear looking at you.
Who do you think you're kidding?
What, YOU'RE the victim now
cos I took the piss?! Why so angry?
Because I showed what a shit you are? It's easy being Mother bastard Teresa when you can afford to.
Any concern I have is wasted on a man like you. I didn't drive a car right through YOUR life, did I?!
What kind of man makes a joke out of a terrible thing? All I did was have a wind-up. YOU could've killed me.
Did the police prosecute me? It was an accident. I had an accident. I didn't want to hurt you.
You knew what you were doing to me. You did this. You did all of this.
I don't have to explain to you. ..Get off me!
Don't you dare stand there looking down your nose at me!
Kev? Stop dickin' about!
Kev! Kev?
Kev! Kev!
Somebody go and get a doctor!
What've you done?
KEV!
TV IS ON
Don't you want your sandwich?
I'll get you something else, yeah?
Kev, you can't mess about with something like this.
Look, can we at least have a conversation about it?
It's a shock, yeah, but...
You have to take these.
She's a belter. She knows my voice already. Can you believe that?
I think she's tired, Kev. Nah. She's not long woke up. It's a bit warm out here for her.
And she's gonna need a feed.
..She's scared I'm gonna drop her.
Hormones! They can keep 'em.
Bye, Kev. See you later. Here, lad. Cheers!
You're looking well, Kev. I mean, how's things? How's the leg? I mean, how's the baby?
I know what you mean, Freda!
Hey, Kev. Sorry to hear about the...
If you get spotted, they'll have you back. Why'd you think I've come in?
Aye, there's only so much daytime telly you can take. Aye, Jamie?
Hey, Kev, did you hear about Ade going swimming? Oh, leave off it. Trying to lose some weight.
He goes down to the pool
before work. First day there, crack
of dawn, in he goes, monkey man.
Meanwhile somebody breaks
into his locker, has away the lot.
Bastards were after my car keys.
He had to get a taxi home in his yellow swimming trunks. Yellow? I wish I'd said they were red now.
What you lot laughing at? You turned into happy workers when I wasn't looking?
I might've known you'd be the cause of it, Kev. You should be at home downing chicken broth and Lucozade.
I've had enough of all that. Comes off in a week. Fantastic. Want to come up and have a word? Yes.
Good. Everything all right?
You're not feeling wobbly or anything?
Need anything? No, just to get back to work.
Good. So, we need to talk about what it is you'll be doing.
I'll be doing my job. Yeah, but WHAT job? That's what I'm saying.
MY job. Cutting. What's this about?
I've spoken to the Health and Safety people.
There's no way Coopers & Farland can allow you back cutting. What are you talking about?
We just couldn't get the insurance...now...
not with this...this other thing.
When have I ever have an accident? ONE accident! Check it out - bloody Ade's always at it.
What's happening with your driving licence? That's only for a year. Of course I can drive.
They took your driving licence away because you have epilepsy. It's the same thing here with the cutting.
We all want you back, Kev.
There's plenty of other jobs you can do. Pushing a broom(?) Service hand.
You think I'm gonna fetch and carry? I want MY job back. The job I've done since I left school.
There's no discussion to be had, Kev. It is not ME deciding this.
Well, that's the way it is.
You'll think about it?
And why didn't you tell me about this? Cos there's nothing to tell.
They're giving us £100,000 and you just say nothing to me about it?
What difference does it make? We're not getting it anyway. Why not? Cos they've got it wrong this time.
They got it wrong last time. This time, it's because of the epilepsy.
When they were saying ten grand, you were up for it. Now... Kev, this is a whole new life.
What? Cos I'm a freak, I'm gonna be the golden goose?
Kev, it's for us!
I don't want it. End of story.
So, is it the begging letters?
Scared you'll get tons of letters off tossers saying their sick toddler needs an urgent operation?
Babs been on the phone to you(?)
Anyone with brains would grab that money.
Anyone with brains and epilepsy(!) There, you see, you said it. Wasn't so difficult, now, was it?
Is that what this is about? Make Kev feel like he's not a crip?
Would you rather I just said, "Sod him, what do I care"? I might. Yeah, I could believe it.
So, you going to take the job? Oh, yeah, that's all I need, innit(?)
You lot looking at me every day, thinking, "Mm..." The job's not the problem, Kev.
The money's not the problem.
The epilepsy's not even the problem.
It's you, mate.
He didn't shove you, Ade. You were just too slow.
Why don't you go back to Wales or wherever you're from? Are you still seeing that bird?
LAUGHTER
WOMAN: I tell you, this place is SO sexy.
Excuse me.
Don't talk to me.
Did she tell you what she's done? My life - down the pisser.
She smashes her car into me, and I lose MY licence. Does that sound right to you?
My job gone.
They tell me I can't even get
pissed to drown my sorrows.
And do you want to know the killer?
My wife's too scared to let me hold my own baby.
But you enjoy your drinks, yeah?
Don't mind me - I'm just the cabaret. Freak show!
Sorry. Excuse me.
What do you want from me? I got
what I wanted. Seeing you. You just
slide back into your cushy life.
Is that what you think? I saw it.
Have you really lost your job?
Can I help you? I'm not interested. Now, piss off!
How many vodkas can you get in one glass, pal? Let me buy it. I told you I'm not interested. ..The same.
Gimme a pint. ..And I'll have a pint. I love beer. You're wasted on him, love.
Please!
Kevin, listen to me. Don't do this. Don't be like this, please.
Don't let this defeat you and ruin
your life. I couldn't bear that.
I don't want to know.
There's a man who doesn't know gorgeous when he sees it, does he?
Kevin! Kevin, talk to me, please!
Don't you ever give up?
I have to do that. What you saw in the wine bar - smiling and flirting and looking like I'm having fun.
It's my job. What, you some sort of escort? I might have known!
I do public relations.
Wine bars, hotels, restaurants... other stuff.
Those people were journalists.
I take them there, they enjoy themselves, they might write a piece in their paper about the place.
And everyone lives happy ever after. I love my job. I'm not going to apologise for that.
Would it make YOUR situation any easier if my life was terrible? Yes.
You were much more convincing when you were faking it.
This is not you.
You've got more balls than this.
What do you want, Kevin?
I want YOU to stop calling me Kevin.
It's Kev.
Then I want to get completely pissed out of my head. OK. I think we can fix that...Kev.
Again?
Hold it under your tongue, like this, right?
And then you...swallow.
My boyfriend...
my ex-boyfriend, he wasn't exactly in love with my job.
He said I was working too many hours and too many nights.
He said I'm too bothered about my career. So that's why he's my ex-boyfriend. The bloke's a twat.
No question. What's he on? You think he's wrong to want to stop me?
Wrong? He's mad. He's got a bird that's earning. He could just put his feet up and he's laughing.
More booze?
So, your job - you just go round, boozing with the likes of this lot, like, parties, every night?
Oh, but it's not all just drinking the best wines and eating the fanciest foods
or talking to the happening people. I have to do difficult things... like, I mean, what do I wear?
I need clothes. So...
I have to shop!
You have a funny face.
I need to pee.
I know it's a joke, you know, me wanting my job back.
And I was always moaning about it, same as the next bloke.
And how many times have I said, "Get me out of here"?
But I can see my mates looking at me...
see them thinking...
"..That used to be Kev."
They don't know what to say to me.
They try and help. I don't want to be someone that they want to help.
And Babs feeling sorry for me...
..that really does my head in.
I've...
always been the kind of bloke...
..you know...
..like, women...
..you know, things happen sort of easy.
They think I'm a lad.
But now...
that's gone, cos...
..cos being a spakker just ain't sexy, is it?
Oh, shit. Hey, wake up! You have to go. You have to go NOW.
Yeah, he has stayed out all night before, but... Well, he's got epilepsy.
He's actually just come back. Thanks.
You twat! Where have you been? I phoned the police. I got lashed up with the lads.
Who? Barney. Crashed on his sofa. Got any bacon?
I tried your mobile. I switched it off. I just got into one, you know, like you do. ..Hello, darling.
Hey, have you got one of your big smiles for Daddy? Shannon, give us one of your big, gummy smiles.
Two slices or three? Four.
..Have you been good for Mummy? Have you?
I like the haircut, Freda. Thanks, Kev. It'll look all right when it's finished. ..Barney, a word.
Babs might phone. She won't, but if she does, I was out with you last night and I kipped at your house.
So, where DID you kip?
Come on, Kev, you've got a baby now. When did that ever make a fella keep it zipped up?
Well, when some of us have kids, we reckon it's time to grow up. Give over. It's just a laugh.
Have you not got enough going on in your life without looking for a bit on the side? What bit on the side?
That's all I need(!) Who is it? She's not from round here.
Well, is she...is she fit?
She's one of those women, when she's finished with you, you have to ask, "Can I have my balls back?"
Kev, Pat says you're coming back to work. That's great.
Don't look too pleased, Grace. I might change my mind.
Well, it gets me out of the house. Till the compensation comes through.
Oh, you're having it now, are you?
Too right, I am.
A hundred grand. It's scary, isn't it? That much money. I'm sure we'll manage.
I don't understand you blokes.
You're in the pits, get pissed
with your mates, then you're
back to normal. Not back to normal.
PHONE RINGS
Hello.
How's your head? Feels like there are about six of them, and they're all spinning.
I've got a hangover the size of a house, but it was worth it, so...thanks.
Well, I'm glad if I could help a little bit. So...yeah, it's good that you're OK. I could be more OK.
What you doing tonight? I'm working. We have a big party for a new singer.
Sounds like a laugh. Well, maybe yes, maybe no.
Look, I...have to go...
My...taxi's waiting.
You take care, Kev. Bye. ..Yes?
How did YOU get in? You invited me. Don't you remember? You stole an invitation.
Would I do that?!
Now you can see how tough my job is.
I have to make these people think they're having a fantastic time. Hand out the straws and the vodka.
Now we know what happens when we do that. We do. I have to mix.
OK. I'll see how many autographs I can get, then. What? It's a joke.
I think you should go now. You and me should have a drink.
Oh, yeah, let's do that sometime. What about now? I have to work, finish up here.
I'll wait for you outside, yeah? I think... Half an hour?
Half an hour.
Hello. Hello.
I thought you said this place was only down the road.
Yeah, but you want to turn up in a cab, don't you? ..Deansgate, please, mate.
Madame.
Nah, we'll have this one in the middle.
Madame.
So, how did you end up in Manchester? My boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend.
Then I had my job, so I stayed. I didn't think I can get a job in PR,
because my English wasn't so good then. I don't think it was your English they were thinking about
when they took you on, was it? What are you saying? I'm just saying, you know...
That joker in the pub got it wrong. I DO know gorgeous when I see it.
I think maybe my degree helped me to get the job. I didn't know you could get a degree in flirting.
Yes, since I did my degree, I can
flirt in five different languages.
Cheers to that!
No. In Serbia, when you say a toast, you have to look into each other's eyes.
Cheers!
You don't ask me the same questions everyone else does - about the war.
Should I? I like it that you don't.
In Manchester, when you want to go to the bog,
you've gotta look into each other's eyes and say, "I've just got to take a leak."
Oh, go away!
Thank you.
So... So?
So, am I coming in?
I don't think that's a good idea. Why?
Go home, Kev.
Hey, be in there by half-eight, I'll bring her in.
So, what does she make of you wanting her to meet your mates? She doesn't know.
There's my mates.
I'll introduce you to them.
ALL: Cheers! Wait. Where Maya comes
from, when you say cheers you have
to look each other in the eye.
ALL: Cheers!
Cheers.
The best Red Star team was in 1991.
Mihajlovic - do you know him?
Plays for Lazio now. >
He scored the most free kicks of anyone in Serbia.
I mean, that guy, he's coming up the tunnel and he shoots!
And there is this new guy, Kezman. Watch out for him, he plays in Holland.
He's not full of that Serbian arrogance.
He really chases after the ball, he puts an effort in. These days, that is quite rare for a Serbian striker.
We better get on the phone to Sir
Alex. Might get some free tickets.
Pint? Aye. ..Pint?
..Pint? Yes, please.
Why are you doing this?
Why am I doing WHAT?
Messing with people's lives.
Come on, don't be daft!
Kev was feeling pretty awful. Yeah? And now, he sees me sometimes, we talk, and... Look at him.
Why is that such a bad thing?
Cos what Kev needs is help, not PR.
..Excuse me, lads.
Now you know why I've got a constant hard-on. No, Kev, now I know why you ARE a hard-on.
TV IS ON
WEEPING
KEV!
Kev, will you come come quick?
I just came through for a nappy and it was spilling all over the floor.
What's the bloody washing machine doing on at this time in the morning, anyway? Because I am up!
I'm always up. And she's always crying and you're a lot of soddin' help! I don't need this. Oh(?)
You piss off out every night of the week and you just leave me here on my own. I'm knackered!
I stink of shit. I feel like shit. And where are you?
Make it all my fault!
Like I haven't got enough on
my plate, I need you shouting at me
at six o'clock in the morning!
Kev!
Stop it! Stop it!
Stop it!
It's happened again, hasn't it?
Sorry, Kev.
I just lost it, cos I'm so knackered.
That's it, then, isn't it?
Kev, why don't you come back in?
I'll cook you something to eat.
What did it look like?
I don't think any less of you cos of it. That means you do.
Come in, I'll run you a bath.
Don't you feel sorry for me! Don't you dare feel sorry for me!
Kev, where are you going?
Kev...please!
I had another fit.
You have it once...a fit...
..then you can maybe say, you know,
it could have been anything.
But twice...
That's it.
But you're still Kev.
Of course you are.
Look at me.
Look at me, please.
You're a beautiful man.
Would I lie to you?
You are a beautiful man.
Don't cry.
Yeah, I know. I have to go to work.
You could say the car wouldn't start.
And hope they'd believe there was not a cab free in the whole of Manchester! You know what?
I think it might be good for you not to get your own way all the time.
So, I'll call you, yeah?
Yeah.
And don't steal anything from the flat.
I'll call you tonight.
Hello. Can I speak...?
'Scintilla PR. Our offices are now closed.'
'She's out the office.' Can you tell me when she's back?
'I'm not sure. But perhaps I can help.' No.
'Why don't you leave a message on her voicemail?'
I've left a message. 'Sorry. That's all I can do.' Thanks.
Hey, Kev, listen, we've had the new lawn laid.
How about you and Babs bring
the little 'un over on Sunday and
we'll have a barbie? Yeah. Why not?
I've bought one of them gas jobs. So, you and me can slink off and watch the match on the telly.
Sounds wicked(!) Let's do that.
Can I help you? Is Maya about, please? She's not in today. Do you want to leave a message for her?
No, you're all right. It doesn't matter.
I saw that solicitor. He says the compensation, you know, the money,
well, they don't give it to you all in one go. They kind of pay it over the rest of your life,
like a weekly wage. How much does that work out at?
Well, it doesn't work out at a whole new life, THAT'S for sure!
Kev!
I've already left her a message.
Yeah. Tell her... Just tell her I need to speak to her, all right? It's important.
All right, Kev? What?
What IS this?
What?
What?!
Kev, I'm not going to fight with you.
What are you frightened of? Kev, please, don't start shouting.
Oh, I'm a spasm waiting to happen, aren't I? Here's a good one -
when I'm climbing on top of you, you're gonna have that little thought in your head -
"Is he gonna go into one?"
You've been avoiding me.
Why are you doing this, Maya? It was a mistake.
No, I've made mistakes. Plenty. This was not a mistake.
You have a baby and a wife. That
didn't stop you, so I don't believe
you. Let's go back to yours.
Let me go!
No, no way. I'm not gonna do that.
Listen to me, Kevin, it's finished. No.
No. You want me. I saw it. Why are you doing this to me? Because I don't want you.
There's nothing between us. Nothing. If I had that money... Oh!
Do you think, even if you had money, I would be remotely interested in you? You have nothing that I want.
No. You reel me in and then you don't. Why? Do you think I'm just pissing? Cos I'm not.
I wanna hear it. There was nothing. There IS nothing.
You think that you can just vanish and that's it? Well, that's not it. Why are you doing this to me?
Tell me! Guilt.
I look at you and I hate myself.
I hate what I've done to you. The...epilepsy.
You had a fit. You looked so broken... and I wanted to comfort you.
I wanted to make it all right, so I screwed you. And now... But it was an accident.
I was walking backwards into the road. No. Yes!
No. It was an accident. You said. It has to be.
It was an accident! Listen to me,
just before it happened, I had a row with my boyfriend -
in the car, on the phone, both of us shouting.
He hates my job, because I have to flirt. I told him it means nothing.
He said if I didn't give up my job, we're not getting married. So I did this thing...
this stupid thing, because I was so mad at him - I throw his ring away,
our engagement ring.
£30,000 down the drain.
You know what I mean? What I'm saying? £30,000 washed down the sewers like that.
That's the state I was in.
That's the kind of shit I am.
So, I went back to my car, driving anywhere, nowhere, just driving.
And when I came around that bend, I didn't see you, because I was crying.
I was already crying.
Because I love him.
All of this happened because I love HIM.
Kev!
Where are you going?
Colin Wilkes?
Yeah, that's me.
DS Hughes. DC Morgan. We're looking for your brother, Mark.
There's been a serious assault at Mark's home.
Jesus, what did he do to him?
Did you want to hit him? Of course I soddin' did!
You wanna know what I did to your shitty little brother?! Now, you CLEAR that up!
It was me. I wanna confess.
This won't help your brother.
Colin, why are you doing this?
I bloody did it!
GBH with intent means ten years in prison, possibly life.
Christ, stop it!
Stop it! It's OK.