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This series looks at life in one of Britain's busiest airports.

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On today's show, Flylo owner Omar Baba takes on his rivals.

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British Airways, you are the son of a whore. I spit on you.

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- Fearghal's flight hits turbulence. 
- Is that your wee sick bag?

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OK, thanks for that.

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Someone had lasagne, didn't they?

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And Friends' star David Schwimmer has trouble at Customs.

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Good morning, good morning...

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It's 8am and airline owner Omar Baba is launching an unbelievable transatlantic deal.

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Today I announce the launch of the Flylo £1 flight to New York!

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Yes, you are correct! £1 to New York City.

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(With a small booking fee of £480.)

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In an effort to make his service more attractive to business passengers,

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Omar is introducing brand new flat beds across his entire fleet.

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OK, it looks like normal seat, but is a flat bed at the press of the button.

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Well, good night.

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Wake me up when we get to Birmingham.

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HE SNORES

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The early morning Our Lady Air flight from Cork has hit turbulence,

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but cabin crew member Fearghal is quick to reassure his passengers.

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Hello, is your name Holly?

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Your mummy tells me you've been feeling a wee bit scared, is that right?

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Yeah, she just gets a bit frightened, especially with all the turbulence.

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Oh, you don't need to worry about that. That's just like a wee little pocket of air.

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- Like driving along a bumpy road. 
- You see?
- Yeah.

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I've got somebody who's going to look after you, would you like to meet him? Yeah?

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Hello, my names Brandon O'Bear, I'd like to be your best friend.

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- Say thank you.
- Thank you.

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35 euro.

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Next, please.

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Meanwhile, over at the Flylo check-in, Melody is faced with a common problem.

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Oh, I'm sorry, madam, your case is too heavy to go in the hold, madam.

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I'm going to have to ask you, madam, to remove some items from the case, please, madam.

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Madam.

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How's that now?

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Still over, I'm afraid, madam.

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'All we hear from passengers is that they don't like the new baggage allowance rules,'

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but honestly, what do you really need to take on holiday?

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Some Hawaiian Tropic, a couple of pairs of bikini bottoms

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and a pregnancy testing kit.

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- I'm very sorry, madam, it's still too heavy.
- How much over is it?

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Five kilos. New Flylo rules.

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New baggage allowance is outlined very clearly on the Flylo website, madam.

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I was just about to tell the lady that.

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What my colleague should have informed you, madam, is that it does state very clearly

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on the Flylo website that before you travel you do need to check the Flylo website, madam.

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- I didn't realise.
- www.Flylo.co.uk... 
- Right.

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- .com.org.net.com...
- Right.

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Then .com again. It's very simple, www.Flylo.co.uk.com.org.net.com.com.

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- Yes, thank you, Keeley. 
- Always happy to help, Melody.

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Still over, I'm afraid.

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Ah! That's fine now, madam. Have a good flight. Next, please.

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Since they've both been up for the job of check-in manager,

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tensions have arisen between the two best friends.

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If I get promoted as check-in manager, well,

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when I get promoted as check-in manager,

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I'm going to use the extra money to have a breast enhancement.

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I actually had mine done when I was 12.

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I could only afford to get one done, so I had this one done at Christmas.

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I went from a D to an F, but if I get promoted I can have this one done as well.

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Yeah, see if you can do a deal with the surgeon and get him to do your face at the same time.

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On the other side of the airport, Flylo employee Taaj has just been told of a serious plane malfunction.

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See what happened was was we was just getting the plane out of the hanger

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and the wing fell off, so what they've got to do is stick the wing back on the plane,

65
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but they've got to get themselves some special aeroplane glue, isn't it?

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So there's going to be a little bit of a delay, but thing is, I don't want to tell passengers this

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because it might make them tiny bit nervous,

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so I've just been thinking of other things that I can tell them instead.

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Excuse me?

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- Yes, boss?
- What's the delay?

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Erm, a volcano has erupted in Bradford and is spewing out all ash and that.

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We've had a phone call from a women who lives near the airport,

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and she's having a barbeque today, and she says please can we have

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no planes flying overhead because it's a bit noisy.

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We've run out of Appletize, so it's not safe to travel.

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The pilot parked the plane and he can't remember where he left it.

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One of the stewards has got eczema so it would be a bit risky, isn't it?

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It's quite dark and the pilot is worried about flying the plane in case he can't see anything.

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- Oh, really?
- Yeah, really, how would you like to fly a plane at night?

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The pilot's still at home. He's watching Avatar on DVD and didn't realise how long it was.

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One of the stewards is a batty boy and he's just found out

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his boyfriend's been bumming someone else and he's just crying and crying, so we can't fly.

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That's ridiculous. I want a full refund.

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- But we cannot give a refund because it is an act of God, isn't it? 
- How is that an act of God?

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God made him batty.

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Come on, come on, boy.

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Mickey and Buster, the airport's paparazzi, have just received

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a tip-off that a very important passenger is about to touch down.

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Her Majesty the Queen.

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- Yeah, love the Queen. 
- Lovely old Queen.

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Thing about the Queen is she's done nothing but good for this country,

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and when you see her on a postage stamp you can't help thinking,

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- "Oh! She's a fine looking woman." I would.
- I would an' all.

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- In fact, I'd take a photo of you doing it.
- That's very kind of you.

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- Be lovely to have a memento. 
- Yeah, I'm a traditional royalist, you know what I mean?

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When the National Anthem comes on, I'm always first on my feet. Yeah.

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# God save our gracious dum Long live our noble dum

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# Dum dum dum Queen

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# Land of hope and dum dum.

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# Rule Bri-dum dum # Britannia rules the dum... #

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PHONE RINGS

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Oh, hold up, what's going on?

103
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- Who is it?
- Hello, hello. Oh, you're joking.
- Who is it? Who is it?

104
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- Who's joking?
- Oh, you're joking. You're having a laugh! 
- Who's having a laugh?

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The Queen has got straight off her plane into her Daimler.

106
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- She's half way round the M25. We're not going to get a picture now. 
- She's gone right up herself.

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- I can't help thinking this whole Queen thing's has gone to her head. 
- Cow.

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All we was going to do was get a nice little shot of her,

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crown on her head, corgi either side, showing a nice of bit of cleavage...

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Boom, 50 quid from the Daily Star.

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And if she's showing a bit of leg, we could flog it to Nuts Magazine. But no.

112
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No, she's forgetting the fans. People like us who put her where she is today.

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These celebrities complain about the paparazzi, but it's a two-way street, ain't it?

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- Yeah, it's a two way street. 
- Would she still be Queen if we didn't photograph her?

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- Yeah. 
- Yeah, I suppose she would yeah...

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- Yeah, she's the Queen after all. 
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

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Ian Foot is the airport's chief immigration officer.

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His job is to prevent illegal immigrants from entering the UK.

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Working in immigration,

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you do sometimes get labelled with the racism tag.

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I do take my job very seriously, but I'm not in any way racist.

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In fact, one of my best friends is friends with a man who's black.

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And he's very black.

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Oh, yeah. Man, he's black, yeah.

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Earlier today, Ian stopped a passenger at passport control

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whom he believes is trying to gain unlawful access into the country.

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Do you understand

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why I have brought you here?

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No, I don't.

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Well, it's clear to me that you've got a forged passport.

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- No, I haven't. 
- Oh, it's a forgery, all right.

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A very good one, I'll grant you that.

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- But, er, there is one slight giveaway.
- And what is that?

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- There is no such country as Liberia. 
- Yes, there is, it's in Africa.

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Oh, in Africa, you say.

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It's on a map, look on a map.

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All right, I will look on a map.

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Yeah, I think I'm going to enjoy this.

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Right.

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- Liberia, you say?
- Yes.

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We've got a new one, Chris, Liberia.

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Africa. Africa.

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Africa... Africa, Right, OK.

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So, Mrs Mbutu,

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would you be so kind as to point out

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the location of this so-called Liberia?

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There.

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Oh, yes. Just hidden underneath Sierra Leone.

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What I'm going to do is, I'm going to let you in this time,

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but I would advise you, in future, to travel with a large atlas or globe

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so you can prove to people you haven't made up your country. Good day.

152
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This is disgraceful.

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- Right.
- You are a very ignorant man.

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- All right.
- I am disgusted by the way that I have been treated.

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- OK.
- May I leave now?!

156
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Yes.

157
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You have insulted the people of my country.

158
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Yeah, I'm actually on my lunch break now, so anything else you say doesn't really count.

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Oh!

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Don't know what rattled her cage.

161
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People come from far and wide to work at the airport.

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Tommy is obsessed with planes, and it's always been his dream to work in the aviation industry.

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I really, really want to be a pilot,

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but I found out that you have to have passed lots of exam...examinin...

165
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tests to be one. So what I've decided to do instead

166
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is to get myself a job at the airport then work my way up to being a pilot.

167
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Er, cheeseburger.

168
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Press cheeseburger.

169
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Large chocolate milkshake.

170
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Press large chocolate milkshake.

171
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Chicken nuggets.

172
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Press chicken nuggets.

173
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Two apple pies.

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Press apple pie.

175
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Press it again.

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I found it quite complicated, but now I've served my first customer,

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I think I'm definitely on my way to becoming a pilot.

178
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Now ask, "Would you like fries with that?"

179
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- Would you like fries with that? 
- Yeah, not me. Him.

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So next time you're on a plane, listen out because you might hear a voice saying,

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"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome on board, this is Captain Tommy speaking.

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"Would you like fries with that?"

183
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Meanwhile, there have been reports of a serious incident in duty free,

184
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and the police are on site within minutes.

185
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We've had reports of a gentleman who's very drunk and has been abusive to members of staff.

186
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I'll have a can of whiskey. I tell you what, give us a kiss.

187
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It's all right, Margaret, I'll deal with it. Calm down, please, sir.

188
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I just want one bottle of whiskey. What's the matter?

189
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You appear to be very drunk and you've been abusive to members of staff.

190
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I'll admit I've had a drink. I've had a drink. I won't fool you.

191
00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:35,040
- I've had a drink.
- I need to escort you out of the terminal.

192
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I'm not going. Me plane goes in half an hour.

193
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We need to take you outside, get you some fresh air inside you and some black coffee.

194
00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:42,800
All right. I'll go.

195
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I fly better when I've had a couple of drinks, anyway, you know what I mean.

196
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Oh, I'll be all right, once I get up there. I'll open the window.

197
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The Our Lady Air flight to Dublin is boarding.

198
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- Morning.
- Morning.

199
00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:02,720
And Fearghal is breaking in a new steward.

200
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I'm really excited about today as it goes,

201
00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:08,960
cos I just qualified as a steward and this is my first ever flight

202
00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:11,560
and, you know, being a steward is great, you know,

203
00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:16,840
and the money's not bad, you get to travel a lot and, er, meet loads of birds. All right.

204
00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:18,880
'Lasagne or coq au vin?'

205
00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:21,120
Lasagne or coq au vin?

206
00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:23,080
Hah... I had coq au vin last night.

207
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- Oh, right?
- Yeah, my friend's just bought a transit.

208
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Lasagne or coq au vin?

209
00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:35,840
'I might be wrong, but I got a feeling'

210
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that the guy I'm working with could be gay.

211
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Get you!

212
00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:42,800
I ain't got nothing against 'em, but I'm not one myself, so what

213
00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:46,200
I'm going to do is I'm going to subtly mention that I'm straight

214
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and hope he gets the message.

215
00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:49,320
Any duty free for you today?

216
00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:50,960
Any duty free for you today?

217
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:54,160
- Any duty free for you today? 
- Any duty free for you today?

218
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:56,680
- Any duty free for you today? 
- Any duty free for you today?

219
00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:58,600
Any duty free for you today?

220
00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:00,560
Yes, some Chanel No5, please.

221
00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:02,720
Oh, certainly, madam, there you go.

222
00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:05,160
That's what my girlfriend likes.

223
00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:09,280
- Oh, right? 
- Yeah, I buy it for my girlfriend.

224
00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:13,120
Cos my girlfriend likes it, cos I really love my GIRLFRIEND.

225
00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:14,800
Great.

226
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:17,480
Girlfriend!

227
00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:19,120
'I don't know what it is about Lee,'

228
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but I'm getting quite a gay vibe from him.

229
00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:23,240
Mind you, you know what they say.

230
00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:26,480
What's the difference between a straight man and a bisexual?

231
00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:27,520
Two pints of lager.

232
00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:30,640
- Another pint of lager? 
- Yeah, all right.

233
00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:32,640
Before their return flight tomorrow,

234
00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:38,000
- Lee and Fearghal have been booked into a hotel in Dublin.
- Bottoms up.

235
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:41,920
- Ain't you drinking? 
- No, I like to stay in control.

236
00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:47,440
# You raise me up

237
00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:53,600
# So I can stand on mountains

238
00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:57,000
# You raise me up

239
00:14:57,000 --> 00:15:01,960
# To walk on stormy sea... #

240
00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:09,040
It's 8am and back at the airport, coffee kiosk employee Precious

241
00:15:09,040 --> 00:15:10,880
is faced with the morning rush...

242
00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:12,160
Come on! Shoo!

243
00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:15,040
..but she's having to close early.

244
00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:17,560
Problem today, we got no paper cup.

245
00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:22,440
We got coffee, we got milk, we got water, we got fire, we got sugar,

246
00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:26,760
we got sweetener, we got chocolate sprinkle but we got no paper cup.

247
00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:30,600
Well, we suppose we got no option but to spend the rest of the day playing

248
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:34,000
on the fruit machines with the petty cash from the till.

249
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:37,600
Praise the lord for the £30 jackpot.

250
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:41,920
Closed. Oh, don't worry, me going to give all me winnings to the church.

251
00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:44,760
On the third day he rose again.

252
00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:46,520
Hallelujah.

253
00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:51,800
# Kumbaya my Lord Kumbaya

254
00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:55,960
# Kumbaya my Lord Kumbaya

255
00:15:57,720 --> 00:16:02,000
# Kumbaya my Lord Kumbaya

256
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:05,000
# Oh Lord Kumbaya. #

257
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:09,280
Over at the check-in desks, Melody and Keeley are hard at work.

258
00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:13,360
To be honest, I really took this job because I wanted to travel.

259
00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:17,360
I felt I needed to broaden my horizons, and this year I've already

260
00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:21,400
flown to Birmingham, Manchester and had a week in Luton.

261
00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:25,320
Since the opportunity for promotion has arisen, Keeley has been keeping

262
00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:28,520
- a close eye on her friend's performance.
- Thank you.

263
00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:31,040
Melody, you didn't ask the security questions.

264
00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:34,720
- Oh, sorry, sir. I forgot to ask you the security questions.
- OK.

265
00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:36,280
- Did you pack the case yourself?
- No.

266
00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:39,920
- Could anyone have interfered with your luggage at any point?
- Yes.

267
00:16:39,920 --> 00:16:42,960
- Did anyone ask you to bring anything onto the aircraft?
- Yes.

268
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:46,440
Does your bag contain any lighters, aerosols or any sharp objects?

269
00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:49,360
- Yes, all of those. 
- Good. Enjoy the flight.

270
00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:54,960
Yes, I think what happened earlier with the security questions does show that whichever

271
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:59,520
one of us does get Helen's job, it's probably better if it's someone with experience.

272
00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:02,040
I think experience is important, but I know

273
00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:05,920
in my short time at the company I have already made a big impact.

274
00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:07,640
I don't know if you've seen this.

275
00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:11,280
This is the Flylo Hotties calendar that was brought out last year.

276
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:15,600
Omar Baba personally selected all the sexiest girls who work for the airline.

277
00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:18,360
And I was actually Miss October.

278
00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:20,680
You weren't asked to do that, were you, Keeley?

279
00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:23,720
No, I wasn't, Melody, but I probably wouldn't get involved

280
00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:26,520
with something like that because I think it's quite down market.

281
00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:29,600
You posted that video of you and your boyfriend on You Porn.

282
00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:30,960
That was artistic.

283
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:36,400
Simon and Jackie Trent are Britain's first husband and wife pilot team.

284
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:39,040
Five years ago Simon had an affair,

285
00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:42,120
but the couple are keen to put the incident behind them.

286
00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:47,680
Having re-trained as a pilot, Jackie now accompanies Simon on all his flights.

287
00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:49,960
Yeah, well, obviously it can be stressful.

288
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:52,080
You live together, you work together.

289
00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:53,480
I don't find it stressful.

290
00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:56,720
What I'm saying is, you know, sometimes there is that danger

291
00:17:56,720 --> 00:17:59,560
that you've had a row at home and you bring it into work.

292
00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:01,360
No. Not a problem for me.

293
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:07,520
'Swiftbird. 240 degrees to intercept the ILS.'

294
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:11,800
240 to intercept the ILS. Swiftbird.

295
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:15,160
'Swiftbird. When established, clear to descend on the ILS,

296
00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:18,920
'runway 27, right. Report at four Delta.'

297
00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:21,800
Clear to descend on the ILS, Swiftbird.

298
00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:26,720
Can I just say you've got a really lovely voice?

299
00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:28,360
'Er, thank you.'

300
00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:32,480
Yeah, you've just got really lovely velvety tones.

301
00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:37,000
- 'Thanks.'
- I'm First Officer Jackie Trent, by the way.

302
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:39,160
'Oh. Um. I'm Nigel Stowe.

303
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,520
'Nice to speak to you, Jackie. Out.'

304
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:44,720
Are you on Facebook?

305
00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:49,280
- 'Repeat that. Over.' 
- Are you on Facebook? Over.

306
00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:52,360
- Jackie...
- I just really want to see what you look like.

307
00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:58,000
'Er, for the record, I'm tall, I've got black hair and a moustache.'

308
00:18:58,000 --> 00:18:59,520
You sound hot. Over.

309
00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:02,720
Jackie, we've begun our descent. I need you to concentrate.

310
00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:07,400
Oh, excuse me, Simon! I'm not the one who screwed someone else!

311
00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:16,520
- 'Just to say you're clear for final approach.'
- Thank you.

312
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:22,200
- Did you Sky+ Strictly?
- Yes.

313
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:27,560
Back in the terminal, Taaj is helping Flylo passengers check-in as quickly as possible.

314
00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:29,840
Is you travelling with just hand luggage?

315
00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:32,440
- Is you travelling with just hand luggage?
- No.

316
00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:34,880
- Is you travelling with just hand luggage?
- No.

317
00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:36,840
Is you travelling with just hand luggage?

318
00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:39,880
- Is you travelling with just hand luggage?
- Yes.
- You is?

319
00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:44,360
OK, come with me madam because we can now check you in electrono-logically, isn't it?

320
00:19:44,360 --> 00:19:48,120
But I do need to make sure that your bag fits into the overhead locker.

321
00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:51,720
Well, it's not going to fit in there, is it?

322
00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:56,760
Oh. Oh, no. Well, you better join the back of the queue then, isn't it?

323
00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:59,040
This is ridiculous! You couldn't get anything in there.

324
00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:04,000
No, I know. Me and my mates was mucking about last night. I couldn't even get me cock in it.

325
00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:11,560
Moses looks after first and business class passengers for Great British Air.

326
00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:15,120
He's just been alerted that there's a very nervous flyer on board

327
00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:18,400
this flight to Budapest, which is ready for take off.

328
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:21,640
- Are you my frightened lady?
- Yes.

329
00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:25,320
Do you mind if I just perch my little bottom down here?

330
00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:28,520
Have you been offered a small glass of fresh orange juice

331
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:32,280
- and a complimentary browse of the Daily Mail?
- Yes, thank you.

332
00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:33,400
OK, my love.

333
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:37,000
Now I'm going to give you a few facts about flight safety

334
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:39,960
just to put your mind at rest, if you'll pardon the pun?

335
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:42,400
Please.

336
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:46,480
Do you know how many planes actually went down last year?

337
00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:48,600
I don't know.

338
00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:51,520
- Have a guess.
- I don't really want to think about it.

339
00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:54,960
- Go on.
- Five?

340
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:58,040
- More than that.
- Ten?

341
00:20:58,040 --> 00:20:59,640
More than that.

342
00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:01,240
50?

343
00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:03,600
- A lot more than that.
- 150?

344
00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:05,320
- Little bit less.
- 140?

345
00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:07,200
122.

346
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:08,720
That's all.

347
00:21:08,720 --> 00:21:12,200
And do you know how many planes were lost at sea last year?

348
00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:13,840
I don't know.

349
00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:15,720
Nine. OK, this is a fun one.

350
00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:19,720
- No, thank you. I don't want to do this any more.
- No, no, no. This is a nice one.

351
00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:25,120
Do you know how many planes were accidentally shot down in military exercises?

352
00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:28,120
- I wouldn't want to think about that. 
- Four.

353
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:32,160
OK? So I hope those little facts have put your mind at rest.

354
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:33,680
Happy flighting.

355
00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:38,880
'Ladies and gentleman if you could just make sure your seatbelts

356
00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:43,280
'are fastened as we've just been given clearance of take off.'

357
00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:48,160
Budget airline Flylo have recently started selling holidays.

358
00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:51,960
Judith and Peter were among the first customers to enjoy a Flylo cruise.

359
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:54,160
We'd like to make a formal complaint, please.

360
00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:55,920
- Excuse me, Peter.
- Sorry, Judith.

361
00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:58,040
We'd like to make a formal complaint, please.

362
00:21:58,040 --> 00:22:00,360
We have had the cruise from hell!

363
00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:03,120
- When we boarded...
- Peter! 
- Sorry, Judith.

364
00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:05,720
When we boarded the Flylo cruise liner,

365
00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:09,240
we were shown to our quarters in the bowels of the ship.

366
00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:13,280
Only to discover that our cabin was flooded waist-deep with seawater.

367
00:22:13,280 --> 00:22:15,720
But we thought, "Ho hum, let's get on with it.

368
00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:19,520
- "It's only our bottom halves that are going to get wet."
- So we set sail...

369
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:22,440
- Peter, I'm talking. It's very rude. 
- Sorry, Judith.

370
00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:26,760
We set sail and we'd only just left the port at Athens when it emerged

371
00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:30,880
that all 780 passengers on board the vessel had contracted dysentery.

372
00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:32,520
You had to queue for 14 hours...

373
00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:35,560
Peter, you and I are going to come to blows in a minute.

374
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:38,560
You had to queue for 14 hours to use the lavatories.

375
00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:41,840
Well, we'd been waiting 13 hours and it was very nearly our turn

376
00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:45,840
when we heard gunshots and discovered the boat had been boarded by pirates.

377
00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:49,080
- They rounded up all the passengers...
- Peter!

378
00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:53,080
They rounded up all the passengers on deck and singled out Peter and I

379
00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:56,000
and took us hostage, which meant we missed the buffet.

380
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:59,160
We were then taken to a room and told that one of us

381
00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:02,880
was going to have to perform sexual acts upon the pirates at gunpoint.

382
00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:06,240
Well, I popped my hand in the air and volunteered Peter,

383
00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:09,720
but before my husband had a chance to engage in anything other than

384
00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:14,080
mild foreplay with three of the men the boat was stormed by the Greek coast guard.

385
00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:17,600
There was a shoot-out. Bodies everywhere and just as I thought,

386
00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:20,040
"Surely this cruise can't get any worse,"

387
00:23:20,040 --> 00:23:23,600
we discovered that the cabaret that night was John Barrowman.

388
00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:25,560
That's when I broke down.

389
00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:32,760
It's 4pm and although it's been several hours since Precious

390
00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:36,240
was forced to close the coffee kiosk, she's still at the airport.

391
00:23:36,240 --> 00:23:39,560
Oh, a very bad thing just happened.

392
00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:42,200
I was playing on me Deal Or No Deal fruit machine.

393
00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:46,080
You know the television show with that nice Christian boy Noel Edmonson?

394
00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:51,560
Well the Devil must've got inside Noel cos he just thieved £180 of the petty cash from me.

395
00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:54,840
Well, don't worry because I'm going to win all the money back.

396
00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:56,640
Have you got change of a £10 note?

397
00:23:56,640 --> 00:23:58,960
Quick as you can, my love.

398
00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:01,840
I don't have £10, I've only got £5.

399
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:03,920
There's a place for you in heaven.

400
00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:07,600
Hey! Get away from that fruit machine! I've got my money in there!

401
00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:10,600
Gambling is the Devil's work.

402
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:12,800
Come on, Noel.

403
00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:18,560
Our Lady Air cabin crew Fearghal and Lee are working the return flight from Dublin.

404
00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:21,320
- Croissant or muesli? 
- Croissant or muesli?

405
00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:22,920
Croissant or muesli?

406
00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:25,640
- Croissant or muesli? 
- Croissant or muesli?

407
00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:28,240
What happened last night was very much a one-off.

408
00:24:28,240 --> 00:24:30,000
I've told Fearghal that.

409
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:34,120
I think just cos you have sex with a guy don't make you a gay.

410
00:24:34,120 --> 00:24:36,360
Lee certainly knows how to please a man.

411
00:24:36,360 --> 00:24:39,600
It was mind-blowing. He threw me round the room like a rag doll.

412
00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:44,120
It was the most intense, animalistic, erotic encounter of my life.

413
00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:50,720
Hope me girlfriend don't see this.

414
00:24:56,920 --> 00:25:00,240
David Schwimmer has been stopped and searched at Customs.

415
00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:05,400
The Friends star was attempting to smuggle a large number of illegal items into the country.

416
00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:08,800
One copy Chicks With Dicks.

417
00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:12,040
One copy She-male Orgy.

418
00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:15,600
- One copy Tranny Mania.
- Tranny Mania.

419
00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:19,240
One copy She-male Orgy 3.

420
00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:21,840
One copy Lady Boy Lick Fest.

421
00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:25,720
Final item - one copy She-male Sandwich.

422
00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:30,680
Right. You're aware these items are illegal in the UK.

423
00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:35,760
In which case would you care to explain to me why you have attempted to bring them into the country?

424
00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:42,400
Well, this is very, very difficult for me because I don't want to get someone else in trouble...

425
00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:49,240
but...they're actually a present for a friend.

426
00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:52,440
- Which friend?
- Matt Le Blanc.

427
00:25:52,440 --> 00:25:54,120
Matt Le Blanc?

428
00:25:54,120 --> 00:25:56,680
That's correct.

429
00:25:56,680 --> 00:26:00,120
It's sad, but erm,

430
00:26:00,120 --> 00:26:06,640
he really can only become aroused when watching this sort of material.

431
00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:08,760
Have you watched any of these films?

432
00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:14,040
I have and I found it absolutely disgusting.

433
00:26:14,040 --> 00:26:17,360
- Which of the DVDs did you watch, Mr Schwimmer?
- All of them.

434
00:26:17,360 --> 00:26:19,400
All of them.

435
00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:26,920
I was very curious as to what kind of films Matt had asked me to buy for him.

436
00:26:26,920 --> 00:26:28,880
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

437
00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:34,560
You know the stories actually do kind of drag you in.

438
00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:38,040
You know, will the pool get cleaned?

439
00:26:38,040 --> 00:26:42,400
- You do realise that we have no option but to confiscate these items?
- Yeah, I do, I do.

440
00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:47,800
And actually I'm glad because when Matt sees this on TV

441
00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:51,920
he will understand that what he asked me to do is utterly unacceptable.

442
00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:54,680
In fact, can I,

443
00:26:54,680 --> 00:26:57,320
can I just address the camera for a second?

444
00:26:57,320 --> 00:27:01,520
Matt, this is your friend David Schwimmer.

445
00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:03,960
You've got a problem, buddy,

446
00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:06,200
and I'm...

447
00:27:06,200 --> 00:27:09,360
I mean you... Look, you're sick and you need help

448
00:27:09,360 --> 00:27:14,320
and I will do everything within my power to help you get help.

449
00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:16,040
Thank you.

450
00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:17,800
Thank you.

451
00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:19,840
Thank you all.

452
00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:23,560
You guys are doing an excellent, an excellent job here

453
00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:26,800
- and I really appreciate it. 
- Sit down, sir.

454
00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:28,320
They're for Jennifer Anniston.

455
00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:37,880
And so another eventful day at the airport draws to a close.

456
00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:42,120
Captain Stirick had a strong coffee and flew the airbus to Vienna.

457
00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:47,240
Omar's flatbeds scheme went down like a cup of cold sick.

458
00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:52,760
And David Schwimmer was admitted to a clinic in Arizona

459
00:27:52,760 --> 00:27:56,080
to treat his addiction to transsexual pornography.