1 00:00:02,200 --> 00:00:05,680 This series looks at life in one of Britain's busiest airports. 2 00:00:05,680 --> 00:00:09,120 On today's show, would-be pilot Tommy goes plane spotting. 3 00:00:09,120 --> 00:00:11,640 There's a plane! 4 00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:12,680 There's a plane. 5 00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:15,120 Flylo owner, Omar, gets personal. 6 00:00:15,120 --> 00:00:19,120 Richard Branston is well known homosexual. 7 00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:22,360 If you want to have bum bum time in the sky, you fly with him! 8 00:00:22,360 --> 00:00:26,960 And we go behind the scenes to meet the baggage handlers. 9 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:05,640 It's 7 am and Melody's first passengers of the day are proving difficult. 10 00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:08,560 Children under two travel free, 11 00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:11,800 but Melody believes this woman's son may not qualify. 12 00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:14,600 Ross will be two the day after we get back from Malaga! 13 00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:17,240 - He doesn't look two to me. - Well, he's big for his age! 14 00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:19,240 He's playing a computer game! 15 00:01:19,240 --> 00:01:23,240 They grow up so fast these days... he's walking, he's talking, he's even smoking. 16 00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:26,720 Madam, if a child is above 24 months you need to buy them their own seat. 17 00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:29,520 He's going to sit on my lap. I ain't sitting on your lap! 18 00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:31,440 - You are sitting on my lap! - I ain't gay. 19 00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:33,920 Ross, come here. How old are you? 20 00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:35,800 Ross... 21 00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:37,680 One and half. 22 00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:39,280 What year were you born? 23 00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:41,400 - Last year. - See. 24 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:43,720 I'm sorry, madam, I don't believe your son is 25 00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:46,920 under 24 months and as such you will have to buy him own ticket. 26 00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:48,920 Slag. 27 00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:52,720 - Dealing with the public can be very stressful. - Stressful, yeah. 28 00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:56,240 But if you work at check-in, you do get a great discount on flights. 29 00:01:56,240 --> 00:01:59,160 - In fact I went away only last week. - Did you have a good time? 30 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:04,200 Yeah, the weather was amazing and I just laid out by the pool and there was loads of really hot guys. 31 00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:06,440 - Where did you go? - Abroad. - Yeah, but where? 32 00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:10,000 Well, I didn't get the name of the country, but it was very nice. 33 00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:15,720 Flylo owner, Omar Baba, is not enjoying the morning papers. 34 00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:21,760 Yesterday a passenger lost a leg on board one of his flights and the story is everywhere. 35 00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:25,360 She claims that because the seats were too close together, 36 00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:28,600 her leg was trapped and she developed blood clot 37 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:32,120 and in the end the stewardess had no option but to amputate. 38 00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:37,760 I do not feel in any way responsible, but as gesture of good will 39 00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:42,640 I sent her a very beautiful Christian Louboutin shoe. 40 00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:47,440 To reassure potential customers, Omar has decided to film a commercial. 41 00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:50,320 Hello, my name is Omar Baba. 42 00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:53,400 You know me, I am the owner of Flylo. 43 00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:57,040 Some people have criticised my airline for not having enough 44 00:02:57,040 --> 00:03:00,960 leg room, but I'm here to reassure you that there is more than enough. 45 00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:03,800 Here are some of my happy passengers. 46 00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:06,720 Hello, my friends, have you got enough leg room? 47 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:09,200 - Yes, thank you, Omar. - You see. 48 00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:13,000 Flylo has so much leg room, maybe too much. 49 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:14,200 No? 50 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:18,920 Did you use dwarves in that? 51 00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:21,520 No, they were not dwarves. 52 00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:24,840 How dare you? How dare you insult them like that! 53 00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:27,600 Get out, get out, get out of my plane! Shoo shoo. 54 00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:29,840 Go, go, get out of my plane! 55 00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:33,480 Half an hour, later Omar calls us back to his office. 56 00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:38,040 I would like to take opportunity to apologise for my outburst. 57 00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:42,640 I've since found out that they were, in fact, dwarves. 58 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:47,360 I've launched full investigation at how this could happened 59 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:52,120 and in meantime, I've had dwarves sent back to Magic Forest. 60 00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:54,480 Is you rolling, is you rolling? 61 00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:58,080 Don't lie, is you rolling? What you filming this on anyway, is it 3D? 62 00:03:58,080 --> 00:04:01,160 You do know if it not 3D nobody's going to watch it, isn't it? 63 00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:07,520 Taaj works as one of Flylo's roving ground crew, but his real ambition is to become a film director. 64 00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:11,800 Ok, so here's my favourite films of all time in reversalogical order. 65 00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:16,760 Avatar, Transformers 2 Revenge Of The Fallen, Avatar: Director's Cut, 66 00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:21,160 Transformers, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, Clash of Titans, 67 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:26,520 Avatar: Ultimate Edition, Avatar: Special Edition, Winnie the Pooh on a Blustery Day, 68 00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:30,760 X-Men Origins: Wolverine and me favouritest film of all time is Avatar 2. 69 00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:35,040 I know it's not been made yet, but I just know it's going to be the best film ever. 70 00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:41,240 A committed film fan, Taaj often comes in early to browse the latest DVDs. 71 00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:46,040 There's some good movies here, isn't it? Have you seen this movie, Alien Versus Predator? 72 00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:48,920 This is exactly the kind of movie I would like to direct. 73 00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:53,880 Because it's actually twice as good as most movies, because it's got Alien and Predator. 74 00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:56,680 There's another movie like this... Freddie Versus Jason. 75 00:04:56,680 --> 00:05:00,480 And then I saw another one, but I didn't think it was as good... Kramer Versus Kramer. 76 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:05,760 I think it's really wrong that people illegally download films. It's killing the film industry, man. 77 00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:08,480 I would never do that, I buy all my films. 78 00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:11,080 I don't buy them here... it's way too expensive. 79 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:15,680 I buy them from this Chinese man down the pub, they is only 99p, isn't it? 80 00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:18,200 - Oh, man, Avatar. Have you see Avatar? - No. 81 00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:21,640 You haven't? You're gay, man, I'm not being funny, you are gay. 82 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:25,400 Chief Immigration Officer, Ian Foot, has to stay 83 00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:30,040 in peak physical condition to safeguard our nation's borders. 84 00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:34,360 Every day millions of people try and enter this country illegally. 85 00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:37,360 A lot of them are foreign, many of them are dirty 86 00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:40,560 and unfortunately all of them are smelly. 87 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:44,040 My job, in a word, is to keep them out. 88 00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:49,320 This morning, suspicions have arisen over a passenger who has flown in from Paris. 89 00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:55,080 Do-you-understand-why-you-are-here? 90 00:05:55,080 --> 00:05:57,120 Yes, I speak perfect English. 91 00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:01,120 Good! 92 00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:06,480 The problem is I do not believe you are the same person as in your passport photograph. 93 00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:10,640 It is me. I just had a moustache when that was taken. 94 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,200 - That is not the only difference. - What else is there? 95 00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:20,280 - The shirt is different. - Yes, I was wearing a different shirt that day. 96 00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:24,480 - The background is different. - You don't say. 97 00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:27,760 Also in the photograph your face is grey in colour, 98 00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:31,440 whereas today it's more of a pinky hue. 99 00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:35,320 The picture is in black and white. What are you, an idiot? 100 00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:39,040 That sort of language will have you thrown out of this country. 101 00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:41,440 You make no mistake about that, young lad. 102 00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:43,440 To help settle the issue, 103 00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:45,840 Ian decides to take a different approach. 104 00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:47,400 Right. 105 00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:50,760 Ah. 106 00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:55,440 In the photograph the gentleman clearly has a moustache, 107 00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:59,920 but you look like you've just had one drawn on with a pen. Not even very well. 108 00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:05,560 I've decided that the best course of action is to detain our friend 109 00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:10,200 here until such time that his moustache grows and take a view then. 110 00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:13,600 If in doubt, keep them out. 111 00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:24,680 Great British Air's only flying couple are Captain Simon Trent and his wife, Jackie. 112 00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:28,680 You've put on a lot of weight. We've been through this. I didn't marry a fat man. 113 00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:31,960 But today, for the first time, they are working apart. 114 00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:34,640 We're actually flying to different places today. 115 00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:37,720 That's right. I've been put on a flight to the Isle of Man. 116 00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:42,720 Whereas Simon is jetting off to Las Vegas. Las Vegas... the city of sin, isn't it, Simon? 117 00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:45,800 - I wouldn't know. - Oh, you would know, you know all about sin. 118 00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:48,160 - Jackie... - Lap dancing bars galore. 119 00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:51,440 - Hookers on call 24 hours a day. - Are there? - Yes, there are. 120 00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:57,280 - I Googled escort service Las Vegas and there were 1.3 million results. - What did you do that for? 121 00:07:57,280 --> 00:08:02,880 Because a marriage is all about trust and unfortunately, you broke that trust when you had an affair. 122 00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:05,560 How many times! It wasn't an affair, it was a one-night stand. 123 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:09,040 You told me you did it again in the morning and that to me is an affair. 124 00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:13,240 I think every woman out there would agree with me. 125 00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:18,920 At the boarding gate for the flight to Las Vegas, Jackie is waiting with a surprise for Simon. 126 00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:22,480 - What's she doing here? - Hello, Simon. 127 00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:28,120 I booked Mummy a last-minute seat so she could come with you. I know how much you love spending time with her. 128 00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:30,040 - Yes. - Come on, Simon! 129 00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:37,240 - Have a great time together. - We will. 130 00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:43,200 I bought her some mace and a rape alarm, just in case he tries it on with her. 131 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:50,000 Every day thousands of items of luggage pass through the airport. 132 00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:54,320 They are sorted by handlers like John and his son, Terry. 133 00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:57,120 Nah, this ain't the easiest job in the world, this. 134 00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:59,720 - All people do is moan about us, don't they, Dad? - Yeah. 135 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:03,360 They say we're always on strike, or stealing stuff from the luggage. 136 00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:07,640 Yeah, but if we're on strike, we can't be stealing stuff from the luggage, can we? 137 00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:10,680 And if we're stealing from the luggage, we must be at work. 138 00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:14,480 So the idea that we're always doing both at the same time is just not true. 139 00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:18,880 Yeah, people moan that their bags always end up in the wrong places. 140 00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:22,040 You see the thing is if we're supposed to get a bag on the flight 141 00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:25,280 to New York and we miss it we just sling it on a plane to Delhi. 142 00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:30,840 At least that way the passenger's got the peace of mind of knowing that their bag has left London. 143 00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:33,600 - And the cases are getting heavier. - It's a nightmare. 144 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:37,280 Some people can't go abroad without taking the kitchen sink nowadays. 145 00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:40,520 Well, it ain't a problem for you, you don't lift no cases no more. 146 00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:45,760 Nah, I put me back out 2003, so I don't lift no bags no more, nah. 147 00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:48,280 Nah, I'm lucky not to be in a wheelchair, me. 148 00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:52,080 - You was only lifting an umbrella. - Yeah, had a wooden handle, though. 149 00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:55,400 Cheeky sod. 150 00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:57,400 # Morning has broken... # 151 00:09:57,400 --> 00:10:02,640 It's 11:30 and over at the coffee kiosk, Precious is once again having to close early. 152 00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:05,880 Before my shift started this morning me went to the nail salon 153 00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:08,600 in Terminal 2 to get some false nails put on. 154 00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:12,120 It is me stepniece Prudence's christening on the weekend, 155 00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:17,720 but the women in the nail salon, she made my nails too long and, look, they're not my colour either. 156 00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:20,560 Look, you see, you see the nail? 157 00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:24,960 So now me cannot grip properly. So me cannot make no double espresso. 158 00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:31,640 Me cannot make no skinny latte. Me cannot make no caramel macchiato and me cannot make no frappe cappuccino! 159 00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:38,200 Beware Satan. So it is with great regret that I must close the store early and go back to the nail salon 160 00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:44,960 and have another manicure and also a pedicure. Praise be to Jesus for his complimentary peppermint foot scrub! 161 00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:48,160 He died so that we may live. Amen. 162 00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:53,400 Penny is the head stewardess in Great British Air's First Class. 163 00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:57,280 Our first class service is the finest in the world. 164 00:10:57,280 --> 00:11:01,320 Upon boarding one is served champagne and canapes. 165 00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:04,520 Then it's a five-course lunch with wine. 166 00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:08,160 Ten minutes after that we serve sandwiches and scones then after 167 00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:11,760 that it's dinner, followed by a cheese board and liqueurs. 168 00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:14,760 Then you're force-fed a whole box of chocolate truffles. 169 00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:21,480 Then we darken the cabin for a few seconds and then serve a full English breakfast. Welcome to First Class. 170 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:26,240 Today she is welcoming passengers on board a flight to New York. 171 00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:29,480 Our departure today will be slightly delayed. We had a Welsh 172 00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:35,480 gentleman travelling with us this morning and as a precaution I had the entire first class cabin de-loused. 173 00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:39,400 - Welcome to First Class. - Afternoon. - Economy is that way. 174 00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:42,920 - No, we're travelling First Class. - Let me see your boarding passes. 175 00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:46,280 Our son bought us the tickets for our 40th wedding anniversary. 176 00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:48,320 - Have you travelled First Class before? - No. 177 00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:51,160 I don't think you'd like it in there. 178 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:54,640 - I think you'd find it too nice. - Well, we're happy to give it a try. 179 00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:59,560 The thing is, there are people in there who travel First Class all the time and one of the things 180 00:11:59,560 --> 00:12:02,520 they pay for is not to have to look at people like you. 181 00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:04,400 But we've got First Class seats. 182 00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:07,480 But if I let you in, you'll hog the copy of Tattler, you'll try 183 00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:11,040 and steal the Molton Brown handwash from the lavatorium and you'll spit on the floor. 184 00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:14,040 - We wouldn't do that! - You look like spitters to me. 185 00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:17,760 We've got the tickets and we're going in whether you like it or not! 186 00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:26,040 Tommy came to the airport to pursue his dream of becoming a pilot. 187 00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:28,840 But so far, he's only made it as far as Happy Burger. 188 00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:30,120 It's going really well. 189 00:12:30,120 --> 00:12:34,800 I'm nae a pilot just yet, but I have got three stars on my name badge. 190 00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:37,240 Er, this one was for being here a week. 191 00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:41,480 This one was for putting the cheese into cheese burgers and this one was for mopping up sick. 192 00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:45,440 They're so impressed with me they've made me be Assistant Supervisor. 193 00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:49,280 So now it's my job to train up the new staff. 194 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:50,920 Can I have a burger, please? 195 00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:53,840 - Burger -. Burger. 196 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:56,320 - Press burger. - Press burger. 197 00:12:58,280 --> 00:13:00,320 - Onion rings. - Onion rings. 198 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:01,360 Onion rings. 199 00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:03,200 Press onion rings. 200 00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:05,160 Press onion rings. 201 00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:10,360 I do still like to have the Supervisor with me, just to make sure I'm doing it right. 202 00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:12,600 - Fries. - Fries. 203 00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:14,720 Fries. What size fries? 204 00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:17,480 - What fries size? - What fries fries? 205 00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:19,360 - Small. - Small. 206 00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:21,920 - Small. - Press small then. 207 00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:24,440 Press small then. 208 00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:27,280 - Strawberry milkshake. - Strawberry milkshake. 209 00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:29,920 - Chocolate milkshake. - No, strawberry milkshake. 210 00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:32,840 - No strawberry milkshake. - No strawberry milkshake. 211 00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:35,440 I have to be careful though. If I too many get stars 212 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:38,520 there's a danger I may become over-qualified to be a pilot. 213 00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:40,960 Can I have the code for the toilet, please? 214 00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:43,640 Can I have the code for the toilet, please? 215 00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:47,240 - Can I have the code for the toilet, please? - 295. 216 00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:48,800 245. 217 00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:50,480 361. 218 00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:55,120 Penny's flight for New York is minutes from takeoff. 219 00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:56,760 Look at her! 220 00:13:56,760 --> 00:13:59,920 Disgusting little piggy. Eugh! 221 00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:04,360 Look at him. Guzzling champagne like some filthy backstreet wino. 222 00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:10,080 - Excuse me, would you take a photo of us, please? - That's it. Out! 223 00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:13,320 - What we done wrong? - Lewd behaviour. 224 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:18,040 - Excuse me? - Loutishness, coarseness and all round general yokelism. 225 00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:19,560 On your feet, chop chop, out. 226 00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:23,680 We're not going anywhere! You've been nothing but rude to us since the moment we got here. 227 00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:27,120 Air Rage! Air Rage! 228 00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:29,160 Air Rage! Air Rage! Air Rage! 229 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:33,600 Unfortunately, I had no option but to have those two passengers ejected from the plane. 230 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,640 Can you stand up for me, please, sir? 231 00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:39,560 My recommendation will be that they are banned from all future air travel. 232 00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:44,480 So perhaps next time they're on a plane they'll think about their behaviour. 233 00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:47,960 Well, they won't be on a plane, but you know what I mean. 234 00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:56,680 - It's one o'clock and Melody and Keeley are enjoying a well-earned lunch break. - How's it going? 235 00:14:56,680 --> 00:15:00,560 - Yeah, good. I got the stick, the patches and the gum. - Is it working? 236 00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:03,520 - Yeah, I'm down to 40 a day. - Oh. 237 00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:06,240 - Hi, girls! - God, you look ready to pop. 238 00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:07,760 I've got a way to go yet. 239 00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:10,400 - Is it twins? - No, I've had the scan, it's a girl. 240 00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:14,080 At least you won't have to worry about it being born under weight. 241 00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,800 I think it's great you having a baby at your age. 242 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:20,520 - Right. - Yeah, you get more and more older mums these days. 243 00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:22,960 Yeah, like my mum, she had me when she was 17. 244 00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:31,480 What a bitch. 245 00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:36,240 Also having lunch are the passengers of Fearghal's Our Lady Air flight. 246 00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:42,200 We're flying to Rome today, so I put in a special food order for all the wee Italian folk on board. 247 00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:44,800 For starters we have melon, with Parma spam. 248 00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:47,280 Then spaghetti hoops. And for dessert... 249 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:49,080 a Cornetto! 250 00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:53,160 We were meant to have some nice Italian red wine, but it didn't arrive. 251 00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:56,000 So I'm just giving everyone a carton of Ribena. 252 00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:57,760 Right. Who's ready for lunch? 253 00:15:57,760 --> 00:16:00,680 Will you be dining with us today? Will you be dining with us today? 254 00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:03,000 Yes, please, but I ordered a special meal. 255 00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:05,720 That's right, 17D, Mr Ahmed. 256 00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:08,840 Yes, I have it right here. There we are. 257 00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:10,160 Thank you. 258 00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:13,000 Excuse me, I ordered a Halal meal. 259 00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:15,960 - What have I given you? - You've given me a Kosher meal. 260 00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:17,520 It's all the same, isn't it? 261 00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:21,680 No, no, Halal meal is for Muslims and the Kosher meal for Jews. 262 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:26,160 I think you'll find there's only one true god and that's the Christian God. Enjoy your meal. 263 00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:29,520 Will you be dining with us today? Will you be dining with us today? 264 00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:34,200 Lunchtime is the perfect opportunity for Ian Foot to relax. 265 00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:37,640 It's very important the whole life isn't work, work, work, work. 266 00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:43,760 The rest of the Immigration Officers, they tend to go off to the canteen together at lunch time. So I like 267 00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:47,560 to relax and unwind by sitting in my office on my own 268 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:51,560 and working on an idea I've had actually for a board game. 269 00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:53,760 It's called Keep Em Out 270 00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:57,480 and it's a fun immigration game for five to eight-year-olds. 271 00:16:57,480 --> 00:17:04,720 Yes, it's very simple, this white figure here is an Immigration Officer and you are one of these hordes 272 00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:08,160 of black, brown and yellow figures and the object of the game is 273 00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:12,240 to gain unlawful access into the United Kingdom of Great Britain. 274 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:15,120 So you roll the dice, four. One, two, three, four. 275 00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:16,720 Pick a card. 276 00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:21,400 "You have smuggled yourself into the country on the back of a lorry. 277 00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:23,920 Move forward one square." Pick a card. 278 00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:28,520 "You get a job as a mini cab driver. Move forward five squares." 279 00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:30,560 One, two, three, four, five. 280 00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:31,880 Pick a card. 281 00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:33,080 Ah! 282 00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:36,880 "A terrorist cell is discovered in your local place of worship. 283 00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:40,480 Move back two squares." That's unlucky. 284 00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:41,800 Pick a card. 285 00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:46,280 "You don't make any effort whatsoever to learn English, move forward six squares." 286 00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:50,200 One, two, three, four, five, six. Roll again. 287 00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:58,560 Final square. Congratulations, you have been given a luxury penthouse at the expense of the British taxpayer. 288 00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:03,360 End of the game. I did send it off to Waddingtons, but I didn't hear back. 289 00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:08,640 I can only assume they've got something similar in development. 290 00:18:08,640 --> 00:18:12,320 Officers Roberts and Stewart work in Customs. 291 00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:15,880 When you go through Customs, you are required to either pass through 292 00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:18,760 the red channel, which means you've got goods to declare. 293 00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:21,640 Or the green channel, which means you've also got goods 294 00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:24,200 to declare, but you're going to try and get away with it. 295 00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:29,640 A routine search of a passenger passing through the green channel... 296 00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:33,440 - Someone's been busy. - ... has revealed a large aul of illegal substances. 297 00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:37,880 This is quite a find. What we need to do now before we can officially charge the suspect 298 00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:42,000 is identify and catalogue the substances found in the gentleman's suitcase. 299 00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:45,760 Yup, I believe this substance is either cocaine or amphetamine. 300 00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:57,960 I think it's cocaine. 301 00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:04,520 Yeah, that's definitely cocaine. 302 00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:06,280 Cocaine. 303 00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:10,800 Wishwings. Collecting for Wishwings. 304 00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:16,080 Executive Passenger Liaison Moses is spending a rare afternoon off collecting money for charity. 305 00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:18,880 No? Selfish. Wishwings? 306 00:19:18,880 --> 00:19:23,640 I keep it very quiet, but I actually do a lot of work for charity 307 00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:27,880 and I have my own charity, called Wishwings. If you'll pardon the pun. 308 00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:32,480 "We take very ill children and give them the flight of their lives." 309 00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:36,000 That's a free economy class ticket one-way. 310 00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:40,280 Last year I took a young girl to San Francisco. Unfortunately 311 00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:44,360 she was too ill to leave the hotel room, but I had a wonderful time. 312 00:19:44,360 --> 00:19:48,840 And this year I'm planning to take a group of sick children to the Sydney Mardi Gras. 313 00:19:48,840 --> 00:19:51,840 Basically, all the parents get sent one of these 314 00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:54,800 and they can choose any destination they like. 315 00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:57,200 Oh! 316 00:19:57,200 --> 00:20:01,520 I'm about to meet a very brave little boy called Charlie. 317 00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:04,240 His parents wrote to me and said he's not well at all, 318 00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:07,880 so I'm taking him for a magical weekend in Mykonos. Hello. 319 00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:11,400 - Hello, you must be Moses. - I didn't know he was in a wheelchair. 320 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:16,920 I'm afraid Charlie's taken a turn for the worse so he's had to start using the chair. 321 00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:21,000 - Is that a problem? - Well, it's just a lot of the bars I was planning to go to are 322 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:25,520 - in the backstreets and there's quite a lot of steps. - Aren't you taking him to the beach? 323 00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:29,760 To be honest, I'm so shattered from the clubs the night before I don't make it to the beach. 324 00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:31,640 He was really looking forward to it. 325 00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:35,800 Yes, but the priority for me has always got to be Charlie. 326 00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:39,600 My concern is only for his health and well-being. Do you understand me? 327 00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:43,880 - Yes. - I think the best thing is, I go to Mykonos and then I call Charlie 328 00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:47,600 while I'm there and tell him what a wonderful time I'm having. Yeah? 329 00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:50,720 Yeah, would you like that, Charlie? Yeah! 330 00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:53,000 Of course you would, course you would! 331 00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:55,840 Oh, it's not contagious, is it? 332 00:20:57,880 --> 00:21:00,720 Right, well, nice to meet you. Bye-bye. 333 00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:02,560 We'll let you know how he gets on. 334 00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:05,240 Yeah, text me. 335 00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:07,760 Yes, it's a wonderful feeling helping others. 336 00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:11,880 Just seeing the look on little Charlie's face when I told him 337 00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:16,120 I was going to phone him from Mykonos, it was very special. 338 00:21:16,120 --> 00:21:18,720 Sorry. Sorry... 339 00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:22,320 I'm just... I'm just a little bit upset thinking about Charlie. 340 00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:25,400 I'm fine, I'm fine. 341 00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:29,520 It's just I thinking about Charlie. 342 00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:34,280 I'm fine. 343 00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:39,640 Did you see Charlie's face? 344 00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:42,280 Oh, it's my flight. 345 00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:50,560 Back in customs, Officers Roberts and Stewart are still cataloguing the drugs. 346 00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:52,240 I dunno what that is. 347 00:21:56,880 --> 00:21:57,920 Heroin. 348 00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:01,960 Is it? 349 00:22:02,840 --> 00:22:04,240 Was they? 350 00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:06,920 Did ya? Nice! 351 00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:11,360 Taaj is reaching the end of his shift, but has just been phoned 352 00:22:11,360 --> 00:22:13,960 by a colleague who has some very exciting news. 353 00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:18,280 Ok, so last weekend I wrote a movie script which I'm going to direct, 354 00:22:18,280 --> 00:22:23,680 produce, star in, do the music and my mother is very, very kindly going to do the catering. 355 00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:28,400 It's called Future Cop 2000 and it's all about this cop from the future 356 00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:32,960 called Sanjay who solves crimes and that. It's really good, isn't it? 357 00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:34,880 Very original, too. Excellent. 358 00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:40,280 So what I need to do is find a big Hollywood movie star to help me get this project off the ground. 359 00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:44,400 Now I just heard that Rupert Grints from the Harry Potters is flying in from LA. 360 00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:46,920 So I'm going to see if I can give the script to him. 361 00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:51,120 I'm so excited, man, this is my chance to be a big time movie directors! 362 00:22:51,120 --> 00:22:53,640 Rupert. Hey, man, Rupert! 363 00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:55,720 You is that Rupert Grints, isn't it? 364 00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:58,280 - Rupert Grint, yeah. - That's what I said, Rupert Grints. 365 00:22:58,280 --> 00:23:02,440 - I love you, man, you is like one of my favouritest actors of all times. - Thank you. 366 00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:07,240 I love Harry Potter, but I never realised you looked like that, I thought your face was all CGI. 367 00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:10,040 I haven't seen them all, though. I've only seen the one 368 00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:13,520 where they're all in a school and it's all magic, wizards and shit. 369 00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:17,440 - Oh, yeah, and I downloaded that film Driving School. - Did you enjoy it? 370 00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:21,040 I'm glad I didn't pay for it. It was just you and Julie Walters talking. 371 00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:23,800 There were no tits or arse. You could at least done sex on her. 372 00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:27,800 - It's a really good film. - No, me and my brother didn't like it. - Next. 373 00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:30,840 - I've got to get my case, nice to meet you. - I've writ a movie script. 374 00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:32,560 Right. 375 00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:36,280 Yeah, it's called Future Cop 2000, right, and I'm going to star in it, 376 00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:39,920 but I need a really brilliant young British actor to play the enemy. 377 00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:42,760 - Thanks. - So can you give that to Daniel Radcliffe? 378 00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:47,920 Tell him it's the part of the evil cyber, Wahid! 379 00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:53,080 I'm shaking, man, that is the actual Ron Weasels! 380 00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:58,680 Flylo recently branched out into offering package holidays. 381 00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:00,800 But these customers are far from happy. 382 00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:03,840 - I would like a complaint form, please! - What's the problem? 383 00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:09,600 Well, we booked a holiday through your so-called company and we have had the holiday from hell! 384 00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:13,320 It was our anniversary, so we booked to go to Cyprus. 385 00:24:13,320 --> 00:24:16,680 - It all started when we got off the plane. - Yes, thank you, Peter. 386 00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:22,960 It all started when we got off the plane and discovered that the Flylo hotel complex hadn't been built yet. 387 00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:28,120 It was just a mound of earth. Well, that was our first disappointment, but we thought, 388 00:24:28,120 --> 00:24:32,520 "Ho-hum, let's get on with it," and we dug a hole in the ground and stayed there. 389 00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:35,760 - We booked for a continental breakfast. - Yes, thank you, Peter. 390 00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:39,840 We booked for a continental breakfast, meats and cheeses, a selection 391 00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:43,520 of pastries, a choice of tea or coffee... but there was no food. 392 00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:47,040 - Not a sausage. - You're now complicating matters, Peter, because 393 00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:50,360 - in fairness to Flylo, they never promised sausages. - Sorry, Judith. 394 00:24:50,360 --> 00:24:53,800 Apology accepted, Peter. Yes, there was no food whatsoever, but 395 00:24:53,800 --> 00:25:00,040 we thought, "Ho-hum, no point feeling sorry for ourselves," and we survived on a diet of insects and grubs. 396 00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:02,600 I'm a vegetarian, so I just ate soil. 397 00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:04,480 Yes, I was coming to that, Peter. 398 00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:08,480 Peter is a vegetarian so he just ate soil. 399 00:25:08,480 --> 00:25:12,960 Now the problem was... I don't know if the soil hadn't been cooked properly, 400 00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:16,560 - but Peter had a very, very bad upset stomach. - Loose stools. 401 00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:19,760 Peter, don't be disgusting... we don't need to hear about that! 402 00:25:19,760 --> 00:25:22,640 - Sorry, Judith. - Peter had very loose stools 403 00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:27,800 and for the remainder of the trip was lying on the ground clutching his guts with a cork up his anus. 404 00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:31,640 Wasn't the worst holiday we've been on, but it was certainly up there. 405 00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:35,320 It six o'clock and Precious is still at the airport. 406 00:25:35,320 --> 00:25:37,640 See what the nail shop lady done now? 407 00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:40,960 She take the old nails off and put new nails on, 408 00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:44,800 but they even longer, and look what she's done to my foots! 409 00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:47,320 It's the craziness is what it is! 410 00:25:47,320 --> 00:25:49,400 So now me consigned to wheelchair. 411 00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:53,120 So me got no option but to take the rest of the week off. 412 00:25:53,120 --> 00:25:56,800 The Lord sure do work in mysterious ways. 413 00:25:56,800 --> 00:26:01,160 # He got the whole world in his hands 414 00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:04,920 # He got the whole wide world in his hands. # 415 00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:10,040 Back at Customs, Officers Roberts and Stewart continue their investigation. 416 00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:41,840 Yeah, you should just go. Yeah, cos, like, we're all on a journey. 417 00:26:41,840 --> 00:26:45,040 Er... sorry we stopped you... 418 00:26:45,040 --> 00:26:48,120 just try not to get in any trouble again, yeah? 419 00:26:59,520 --> 00:27:01,400 Leave us something! 420 00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:10,040 The sun sinks slowly beneath the horizon and another day at the airport draws to a close. 421 00:27:10,040 --> 00:27:13,600 The Customs Officers felt a bit down the next day. 422 00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:20,000 The couple ejected from First Class were taken for questioning in Guantanamo Bay. 423 00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:23,440 And the man detained in Immigration grew a moustache, 424 00:27:23,440 --> 00:27:26,120 but Ian decided not to allow him into the country... 425 00:27:27,600 --> 00:27:30,000 as he was French.