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This series looks at life in one
of Britain's busiest airports.

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00:00:05,680 --> 00:00:06,720
On today's show...

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00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:07,760
Ian Foot.

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Immigration gets a call.

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00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:11,480
Well, how brown? I'm on my way.

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Fearghal goes all out to
impress his passengers.

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- Excuse me?
- Yes?

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I actually ordered
a vegetarian meal.

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00:00:18,880 --> 00:00:21,760
Oh, sorry about that. Right. Er...

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And there's something in
the air for Simon and Jackie.

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Smells disgusting in here.

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It's probably just
the air circulation.

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No, it smells like one of yours.

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Next please.

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It's 9am and at the
FlyLo check-in desk

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 Melody is faced with a weighty problem.

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Are you travelling on your own? Yes.

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Sorry, I had to ask, but
I can't see round you.

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Excuse me, Melody. Sorry, sir, can
I just have a very discreet word?

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- What's it about?
- Big fat man there. Yes.

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Because of the gentleman's size he
will need to purchase another seat.

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I've just been speaking to
my colleague, and I'm going

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to have to politely request that
you purchase a second seat, sir.

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Because you're so fat.

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- There's not much I can do
about this, is there? - No sir. 

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So I'm going to put
another £380 on your credit card
and there's your two seats.

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- Boarding in half an hour.
- Thank you.

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What seats did you give him?

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- 9B and 37D.
- It's got to be two seats together.

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Well, you never said that.

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Next please.

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- We get this most days now.
- Yeah.

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There's a great big
fat person standing there

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and we have to tell them because
they're so big

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they've got to buy another ticket.

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- It's one of the perks of the job.
- Yeah.

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FlyLo currently have
the worse environmental
record of any UK airline.

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But owner Omar has a plan
to rectify the situation.

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Today I will make aviation history.

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I will announce that FlyLo
is first airline to go green.

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Good morning, good morning.

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Good morning to you ladies
and gentleman of the press.

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Today I bring you here, to this
beautiful park

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to show you FlyLo's
commitment to the environment.

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This morning I see catalogue of lies
about my airline on programme called

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Daybreak. They say FlyLo is
polluting the environment.

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Christine Bleakley you are not as
attractive as you think

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 and your teeth are
too big for your mouth.

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And Adrian Chiles, you look like
potato! Not nice potato, ugly potato.

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So today I am planting tree to
show FlyLo's commitment to the
environment.

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Please do come.

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Get good photo, please.

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How many trees are you
going to plant, Mr Baba?

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Just this one. I now declare
that FlyLo is carbon-neutral!

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Yes!

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'I have many other plans for
my airline to help save environment.'

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I am going to make the
skirts of stewardesses 30%
shorter, use less fabric.

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From next week I am phasing
out toilet paper in all of my

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planes and as of today I have
stopped using deodorant.

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Musky.

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Fearghal works for Irish
airline Our Lady Air.

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The company runs a Steward Of The
Year competition, 

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and this year
Fearghal is desperate to win.

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One of things you get marked
on for Steward Of The Year is
how much duty free you sell.

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Our best selling items are
perfumes and actually a lot

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of celebrities have started
bring out their own scents.

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We've got Pam St Clement from
EastEnders has brought out
"Pat Smell".

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Sarah Ferguson. "Embarrassment",
obviously.

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And for the men there's Ashley Cole,
"Love Rat",

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Gavin Henson, "Greasy Face"
and, er, this is a new one.

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Mel Gibson, "The Jews Are Responsible
For All The Wars In The World".

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Doesn't really sell so well,
that one.

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But no matter how much perfume

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he sells, Fearghal won't win
Steward of the Year without
excellent customer feedback.

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Yes. Excuse me, I need a word.

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I bought a business class
ticket for this flight. Yes, sir?

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It cost £625, and I get on the plane
and it seems to be absolutely no
different to the economy seats.

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I'm terribly sorry, sir, I forgot
to give you this.

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There we are, sir. Welcome to
business class.

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We have these passenger
questionnaires on all our
flights now. It's to help

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the airline decide who should be
Steward Of The Year, but I don't want
to bother my passengers with that.

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I just want them to relax and enjoy
the flight so I fill them in myself.

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And so far I've had a 100% approval
rating, which is pretty amazing.
Right...

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I'm sorry, but you can't
travel today because your
passport is out of date.

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Back down at Great British Air
check-in this passenger
has a problem.

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But no-one can speak Chinese.

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Fortunately, Executive
Passenger Liaison Officer
Moses is quickly on the scene.

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Let me. I speak perfect Chinese.

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Your passport is out of date.

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Out of date your passport is.

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No?

92
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Parlez-vous francais?

93
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Sprechen sie Deutsch?

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That's a shame. I don't speak any
German.

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Other than "Sprechen sie
Deutsch?" I'll try mime.

96
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No?

97
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Unable to overcome the language
barrier, Moses is forced to
think outside the box.

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So what I'm going to do is, I'm going
to give you this

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and you've got to go outside

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and get on a bus to London,

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and hopefully you'll find your
way back to China from there.

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I think he's getting some of it.

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Right, off you go, off you go.

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That's right. Bye bye. Bye bye.

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Get on the bus, that's right.
Bye bye. Bye bye.

106
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At Great British Air,
we do like to go the extra mile.

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It's 12 pm and love is in the air.

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Tommy isn't due at work for another
four hours, but has come in early,
because someone has caught his eye.

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'I'm so early today because there's
a wee lassie who works at FlyLo
check-in'

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and I really fancy her. She's the
most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

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In fact, she's so beautiful she
shouldn't be working here, she
should be working at a tanning

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salon. I've never actually spoke
to her in the flesh, but last week

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I sent her a love letter with a
chicken nugget sellotaped to it.

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And today's a big day, because I'm
going to ask her if she wants to
come out for dinner with me tonight.

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In fact, I've actually booked a
table at KFC, so fingers crossed.

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There's a queue here.

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Right.

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Next please. Where are you flying to
today? Right, OK...

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Simon and Jackie are Britain's
first husband and wife flying team.

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But ever since Simon had an
affair five years ago, the couple
have had a stormy relationship.

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You need to have your back waxed
as well. It's disgusting.

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It's like going to bed with a monkey.

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Fuel left and right,
tank two-and-a-half.

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During the preparation for today's
flight, Jackie has spotted a
familiar name on the staff rota.

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She's on the plane.
She's on the plane.

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The stewardess who slept with
Simon, she's cabin crew today.

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There she is, over there.

128
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She doesn't know me but I know her.

129
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Oh, yes.
Not as attractive as I thought.

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She must have put on weight,
probably the guilt.

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 Look at her, undressing those
men with her eyes.

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- Welcome on board.
-  Welcome on board!

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That's what she said to Simon.

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Just before he put it in her.

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Holiday Inn, Glasgow, April
27th 2005. It was a Thursday.

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I'm not going to mention it though.
I've moved on.

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Ladies and gentleman,
welcome on board this Great British
Air flight 287 to Barcelona.

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We'll be taking off
in just a few minutes.

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Our cabin crew on board today will
be happy to help you in any way they

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can, especially Sally Wicks who will
get down on her knees to help you.

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Just don't leave her alone with your
husbands ladies, because Sally Wicks
is nothing more than a trollop.

142
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Right, that's it. No Simon,
I'm going to say it.

143
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Sally Wicks is a is a jezebel.
She's a homewrecker. She is the
slutty slut slut of the skies.

144
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Enjoy the flight!

145
00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:24,080
- Do you want cream or ice cream with
your apple pie tonight? - Ice cream.

146
00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:26,480
Good, because we've
got some in the freezer.

147
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It's lunchtime, but for Chief
Immigration Officer Ian
there's never a moment's rest.

148
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As Immigration Officer,
you have to stay alert 24/7.

149
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Except at night when
there are no planes.

150
00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:42,680
So I'm always thinking of new ways
to keep my staff on their toes.

151
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Today I am transforming myself into
your typical illegal immigrant
from the South American area.

152
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My goal will be to enter the
country without being apprehended.

153
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Let's see how tight the UK's
Border Control really is.

154
00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:10,160
Hello, Ian.

155
00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:14,720
Well done, Kenneth. Very eagle-eyed.

156
00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:20,160
My staff do
tend to spot me most of the time.

157
00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:24,440
I say most - so far they've spotted
me every time, but I'm factoring in

158
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times in the future when I will slip
through unobserved.

159
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:31,240
Next please.

160
00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:33,442
Tommy is still waiting to ask
Melody out for dinner,

161
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and has now
been queuing for over an hour.

162
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Who's next, please?

163
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- You're next.
- Who's next please?

164
00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:51,760
Hello. Where are you flying to
today?

165
00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:53,360
Er. "Pragooey."

166
00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:55,040
You mean Prague?

167
00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:56,640
Aye.

168
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Next please.

169
00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:01,240
- Do you have a ticket?
- No.

170
00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:05,200
- OK. Tickets are £375.
- Right.

171
00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:08,320
'It didn't quite
go according to plan.'

172
00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:11,600
I've got to fly to the Czech
Republic now, which I shouldn't

173
00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:15,520
really do, because I'm supposed
to start work in ten minutes.

174
00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:20,960
Oh, can you call KFC for me and
tell them I'm sorry, but I'm going
to have to let the table go?

175
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:26,040
Mickey and Buster, the airport
paparazzi, are taking a short break.

176
00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:29,560
They have firm opinions on
the best kind of celebrities.

177
00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:33,640
Oh, most of the celebrities we
photograph are very nice as it goes.

178
00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:37,000
Yeah, if I had to pick a
favourite I'd probably
say, err, Colonel Gaddafi.

179
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:41,440
- Lovely fella. - Always stops by
for a chat, asks after the wife.

180
00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:44,800
- I tell you who else is nice - Robert
Mugabe. - Oh, salt of the earth.

181
00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:47,680
See, he knows the value of
a good picture, don't he?

182
00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:52,080
He came through the other day and
someone had left a sombrero lying
around.

183
00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:57,400
we asked him to
put it on and he couldn't
have been more obliging.

184
00:11:57,400 --> 00:11:59,880
We got some very
funny photos, didn't we? Yeah.

185
00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:04,840
Yeah. Who did we snap the other
day, lovely guy from North Korea?

186
00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:08,040
Oh, the old, er, the old, er, the
old, er, the old, er, Kim Jong.

187
00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:11,160
Kim Jong. Kim Jong.
Kim Jong come through the other day.

188
00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:13,680
Yeah, yeah and Jordan
arrived at the same time.

189
00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:18,200
So we got them to pose together -
made for a lovely spread in OK!
magazine.

190
00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:21,000
That's it, yeah, we got in OK!
magazine.

191
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,840
It's here, yeah we
got it here. Open it up and show
them. Here we go.

192
00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:29,360
Yeah, I took that. He took that. I
took that. I took that.
He took that.

193
00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:31,760
I took that. I took that.
Yeah everyone wins, really.

194
00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:36,920
We make a few quid, Jordan
gets her face out there and we
see the lighter side of Kim. Yeah.

195
00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:43,040
Lunchtime is normally a busy time
for the coffee kiosk, but today
Precious is having to close early.

196
00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:46,000
Well, today something
very mysterious occurred.

197
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:49,440
We got coffee, we got cup, we
got sugar, we got sweetener,

198
00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:52,455
we got full fat milk, we got low fat milk,
 we got soya milk

199
00:12:52,455 --> 00:12:57,360
for the lactose intolerant community,
and we got gas for to give us a hot,

200
00:12:57,360 --> 00:13:00,000
hot fire, but the Lord in his
almighty wisdom

201
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:03,560
has decided that today
will be the day when we got no water.

202
00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:10,040
Looks like someone, and I don't
know who, has taken a hacksaw
and cut through the water pipe.

203
00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:12,920
Who would do such a thing?

204
00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:16,400
Well, anyway the plumber here now,
but it going to take hours

205
00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:19,880
to fix so me got no option but
to go to London town with my sisters

206
00:13:19,880 --> 00:13:22,840
and catch the matinee performance
of Dirty Dancing.

207
00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:27,200
Praise the Lord for the two-for-one
ticket offer! I've fixed it. What?

208
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:31,840
I've put a new length of pipe in
so it should be working for you.

209
00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:33,440
There you go.

210
00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:37,120
May the Lord smite thee down.

211
00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:45,703
It's 3pm and the Woods family are checking in
for their annual summer holiday,

212
00:13:46,527 --> 00:13:47,566
 but there's a hiccup.

213
00:13:47,601 --> 00:13:51,160
I have actually got you
booked in on this flight,
but not until next Monday.

214
00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:54,280
Eh? You're on the same flight, but
I'm afraid you've come a week early.

215
00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:56,840
- John! - Oh, sorry, love.
- Dad! What are we going to do?

216
00:13:56,840 --> 00:14:01,760
Well, there's no point driving all
the way home and coming back, is
there? We might as well stay here.

217
00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:03,360
Can we wait here?

218
00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:06,680
Well, I'm sorry, sir, that's not
so good for the other passengers.

219
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:10,160
Are we all right here?

220
00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:12,480
No, sorry, sir.

221
00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:16,800
- We're all right here though?
- No.

222
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:20,240
Here?

223
00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:24,640
Well, passengers do sometimes get
the dates of their flights wrong.

224
00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:27,600
I mean, we had a gentleman recently
who turned up a year late

225
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:29,760
for his flight to
Manchester, but luckily

226
00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:32,920
for him the plane was
delayed so actually he
managed to board on time.

227
00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:37,920
Great British Air stewardess Penny
is thrilled that Princess Anne

228
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:41,360
is planning to fly
with the airline next week.

229
00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:44,960
I'm not surprised that the
Princess has chosen to fly with us.

230
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:48,640
It's well known that we do provide
the finest First Class service.

231
00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:52,440
For example, all us stewardesses
are now trained in massage therapy.

232
00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:59,960
So on long haul flights we can offer
shiatsu, Swedish, deep tissue - all
of which come with a happy ending.

233
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:01,000
Morning.

234
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:05,000
A member of the Royal household has
been sent to inspect the cabin.

235
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:06,720
So the flight is next Tuesday.

236
00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:09,880
Yes, it is Tuesday but I'd
rather you didn't broadcast it.

237
00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:13,800
And that should give you
sufficient time to completely
repaint and recarpet the cabin.

238
00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:15,920
Yes, yes, of course.

239
00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:19,480
May I say, how honoured I am
that the Princess is flying with us.

240
00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:21,880
I have personally admired
her for many, many years.

241
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:24,880
One thing the Princess
Royal despises is sycophancy.

242
00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:29,360
We need to discuss Princess
Anne, the Princess Royal's,
dietary requirements.

243
00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:31,278
- Do you provide a fruit salad?
- Yes, we do.

244
00:15:31,278 --> 00:15:35,023
Wonderful. Princess Anne,
the Princess Royal, adores fruit salad,

245
00:15:35,023 --> 00:15:38,800
but she can be a trifle choosy about
what sort of fruit she has in it.

246
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:40,400
What does your salad contain?

247
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:44,440
- Grapes. - The Princess
Royal does not eat grapes.

248
00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:46,360
- Strawberries? - No.
- Kiwi? - No.

249
00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:48,640
- Orange? - No.
 - Guava? - No.

250
00:15:48,641 --> 00:15:50,033
 - Lychee? - No.
- Pomegranate? - No. 

251
00:15:50,033 --> 00:15:52,630
- Passion fruit? - No.
- Grapefruit? - No.

252
00:15:52,630 --> 00:15:54,134
- Pear? - No.
- Gooseberries? - No.

253
00:15:54,134 --> 00:15:56,079
- Blackberries? - No.
- Melon? - No.

254
00:15:56,079 --> 00:15:57,931
- Mango? - No.
- Peach? - No.

255
00:15:57,931 --> 00:15:59,221
- Pineapple?
- No.

256
00:15:59,221 --> 00:16:02,520
- Apple? - Yes.
- Plum? - No.

257
00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:04,840
- So just apples?
- Yes.

258
00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:07,520
So I should just give
the Princess an apple?

259
00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:09,800
Yes. Do you provide yoghurt?

260
00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:14,240
Yes, we have the finest organic
yoghurt flown in daily from Guernsey.

261
00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:17,440
The Princess detests yoghurt.

262
00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:21,040
Baggage handlers at the airport...

263
00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:24,560
have their part to play
in keeping air travel safe.

264
00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:27,560
One of the things that I like
to do is carry out

265
00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:29,880
my own personal security checks.

266
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:32,400
It's not part of our
official remit, is it, Dad?

267
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:35,720
No, boy, but I feel it gives the
public peace of mind, you know.

268
00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:39,320
- Right, what we got here?
Yeah, that one looks good. - This one?

269
00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:42,560
Yeah, the Louis Vuitton. Right, OK.

270
00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:44,720
Ah, it's got a lock on it.

271
00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:48,000
Ah, that's no bother. There we go.

272
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:52,080
Right. Get that there.

273
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:56,880
Oh, hello. Yeah, you see,
now, very common, it's a laptop.

274
00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:58,800
This could have illegal images on it.

275
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:03,000
So we'll, er, take that
home for further analysis.

276
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:05,040
Right, what else we got?

277
00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:07,955
Hello. "Gucky." Now the thing
about the shoes,

278
00:17:07,955 --> 00:17:10,886
you can have
explosive devices in the heel.

279
00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:13,480
So, er, we'll also take them home.

280
00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:14,560
Plus they're my size.

281
00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:19,920
Go and have a look in here. Ha-ha!
Here we go. Very common problem,
this. The i-Pod.

282
00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:23,640
Yeah, now you're not allowed to
have these on on take off or landing.

283
00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:26,840
Yeah, but they won't be able
to use it, it'll be in the hold.

284
00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:31,760
Point of principle, son.
Right what have we got in here?

285
00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:35,440
What's that? "Chay-nell Pour Om."
Nah, you're not allowed liquids
on board.

286
00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:37,360
So, er, yeah, we'll
set that down there.

287
00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:39,040
There's an aerosol in here.

288
00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:41,400
You're not allowed them.
We should take that out. Eh?

289
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:44,520
We're not gonna get nothing for that
down the market are we? Silly sod.

290
00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:46,640
Right, that one's good to go.

291
00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:53,760
Omar Baba is famous for his playboy
lifestyle, and he now hopes
to cash in on this notoriety.

292
00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:57,240
with his own unique take
on the Mile High Club.

293
00:17:57,240 --> 00:17:59,480
This is my "Loveatory".

294
00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:03,720
What you do is swipe credit
card here. £10 per couple.

295
00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:06,360
£7 if you are flying solo.

296
00:18:06,360 --> 00:18:09,960
As you can see, it is very romantic.

297
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:13,760
We have cushioned area here for
extra comfort on the lady bottom.

298
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:16,320
Commemorative tissue
there, with my face on.

299
00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:20,360
Also on the back of safety
card you have a number of
love-making positions.

300
00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:24,400
And this one I
do with some of my wives.

301
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:30,520
And you can have as long
as you like to explore and
satisfy each other's bodies.

302
00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:32,880
As long as it's under two minutes.

303
00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:35,600
After two minutes, you hear
this noise.

304
00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:38,760
'This is Omar. Stop doing a sex in
my toilet. Thank you.'

305
00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:44,720
Excuse me, I have
some business to attend to.

306
00:18:45,882 --> 00:18:46,547
 *

307
00:18:47,047 --> 00:18:47,547
 *

308
00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:51,680
FlyLo Flight 475 has just
touched down and the customer

309
00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:56,760
service desk is about to receive
another onslaught from regular
passengers, Peter and Judith.

310
00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:59,680
Right, I'm going to give
that woman a piece of my mind.

311
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:02,760
- Judith, please calm down.
- No Peter, I will not be becalmed.

312
00:19:02,760 --> 00:19:07,320
We have had, and I never
thought I'd utter these
words, the holiday from hell.

313
00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:10,080
By way of apology for
the previous debacle,

314
00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:15,040
FlyLo offered us a very good deal
on a package holiday to Colombia.

315
00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:17,240
Now as soon as we came
out of Bogota airport...

316
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:20,640
As soon as we came out of
Bogota airport, Peter was
bitten by a rabid dog.

317
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:23,320
Within minutes, he was howling
and foaming at the mouth.

318
00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:27,360
My first thought was "Can I have
Peter put down?" I looked into it...

319
00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:29,360
But the doctors said
it was unethical.

320
00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:33,120
Yes, thank you, Peter. But the
doctors said it was unethical.

321
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:34,920
Peter became more and more ill.

322
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:38,880
- I had diarrhoea and was projectile
vomiting. - Peter, don't be so crude!

323
00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:41,960
- Sorry Judith. - Peter had diarrhoea
and was projectile vomiting.

324
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:45,400
If you'd spun him round, you'd have
thought he was a catherine wheel.

325
00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:48,594
- So we decided.... - So I decided
that the best course of action

326
00:19:48,594 --> 00:19:50,736
was to take the first plane home.

327
00:19:50,771 --> 00:19:55,160
Now while we were waiting at the
airport, a very charming man called

328
00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:58,091
Carlos approached me
and offered me 5,000 $

329
00:19:58,091 --> 00:20:02,201
- to take his briefcase through
Customs. - I had reservations...

330
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:04,720
Peter had reservations but we were
saving up for a loft conversion, so

331
00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:07,520
I said "Yes", and gave the
briefcase to Peter to carry.

332
00:20:07,520 --> 00:20:08,858
- When we landed in England...

333
00:20:08,858 --> 00:20:11,795
- Peter, if I could just get a
word in edgeways! - Sorry, Judith.

334
00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:13,240
I should hope so too, Peter.

335
00:20:13,240 --> 00:20:17,200
When we landed in England,
Peter was stopped at customs.

336
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:21,400
They searched the briefcase and
found 20 kilograms of cocaine,

337
00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:23,480
with a street value of
half a million pounds.

338
00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:29,200
Peter was arrested and is
looking at a prison sentence
of no less than 12 years.

339
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:34,040
If I had to rate the holiday
out of five, I'd struggle
to give it more than three.

340
00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:38,627
Back in the First Class cabin,

341
00:20:38,627 --> 00:20:43,067
 Penny is still busy making preparations
for Princess Anne's flight.

342
00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:46,720
Now each passenger has their own
in-flight entertainment system

343
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:50,520
that allows them to browse
genres and choose from all
of the latest releases.

344
00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:55,480
Princess Anne, the Princess Royal,
is extremely particular about
which actors she's willing to watch.

345
00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:58,440
A list of approved
actors is as follows.

346
00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:00,000
- Let me just get a pen.
- Quickly.

347
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:02,327
- Yes? - Jason Statham.

348
00:21:02,327 --> 00:21:05,873
- Jet Li. - Yes.
- Dolph Lundgren. - Yes.

349
00:21:05,873 --> 00:21:08,372
- Arnold Schwarzenegger. - Yes.
- Sylvester Stallone.

350
00:21:08,372 --> 00:21:12,321
Oh, well, there is a film
with all those people in.

351
00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:13,720
I believe it's called
The Expendables.

352
00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:16,840
Maybe I could order that in
especially for the Princess.

353
00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:19,920
Princess Anne, the Princess Royal
has already seen The Expendables.

354
00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:22,075
- Did she like it?
- No, she did not.

355
00:21:22,075 --> 00:21:27,281
 She said it wasn't nearly violent enough
and I quote, "It was for pussies".

356
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:30,320
WishWings. If you'll pardon the pun.

357
00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:34,520
Moses has spent the afternoon
collecting money for his
charity, WishWings.

358
00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:38,520
Oh, thank you very much, that's
very generous. I'll make sure
most of that goes to the charity.

359
00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:42,360
And he's now on his way to meet a
very important passenger...

360
00:21:42,360 --> 00:21:43,600
Happy flighting.

361
00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:49,200
..who's come all the way from
Albert Square. Barbara Windsor MBE.

362
00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:52,040
Get out of my pub, please! Ha-ha!

363
00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:55,920
Miss Windsor, my name is Moses. I've
been asked to take you
through to the gate.

364
00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:58,680
- Oh, do we have to go now?
- No, not for another hour.

365
00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:00,720
Oh, right.

366
00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:09,280
Can I ask you
a question, Miss Windsor?

367
00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:11,160
Yes, course you can, darling.

368
00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:13,720
How on earth did you get an MBE?

369
00:22:15,360 --> 00:22:16,560
I beg your pardon?

370
00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:19,434
I've seen your bra flying off in
those Carry On films,

371
00:22:19,434 --> 00:22:20,770
and I've watched you shouting at people

372
00:22:20,805 --> 00:22:23,280
in EastEnders, and I thought
it can't have been for that.

373
00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:28,800
Well, I got it for services to
entertainment and, actually,
I do a lot for charity.

374
00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:31,080
- I do a lot for charity.
- Oh, really?

375
00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:35,680
Yes. I run a charity called
WishWings, if you'll pardon the pun.

376
00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:38,360
But I myself have never
been given an honour.

377
00:22:38,360 --> 00:22:41,818
- Oh, right. - A lot of people
say to me "Moses,

378
00:22:41,818 --> 00:22:43,682
 you should really have an OBE

379
00:22:43,682 --> 00:22:48,880
"or a knighthood", but I don't do it
for that. I do it for the children.

380
00:22:48,880 --> 00:22:51,080
Well, yes, that has
to be the reason.

381
00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:53,200
Yes.

382
00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:57,520
But I still want one. Can you get me
one? Because you've managed
to wangle yourself one.

383
00:22:57,520 --> 00:22:59,360
No, sorry, I can't do that.

384
00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:02,200
Selfish.

385
00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:08,760
Oh, erm, Miss Windsor, can
I just have your autograph, please?

386
00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:11,680
Yes, of course you can.

387
00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:15,800
Excuse me, what's this?

388
00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:17,400
- Oh, nothing. Nothing.
-  No, no, no.

389
00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:19,720
Just sign at the bottom there.

390
00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:23,960
"Dear Queen, I'm writing on behalf
of my dear friend Moses Beacon.

391
00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:27,600
"His charity WishWings,
if you'll pardon the pun..."

392
00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:29,640
- But there's no pun there.
- Yes, there is.

393
00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:35,880
"..has helped literally three
children achieve the flight of their
lives, if you'll pardon the pun."

394
00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:37,560
There's no pun there either.

395
00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:42,720
- Yes, there is. - "You may like to
know that the Honorary President
of WishWings is Tania Bryer."

396
00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:45,400
- Now who's Tania Bryer?
- That's low.

397
00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:49,680
"You should definitely make him
a knight or at least an OBE.

398
00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:53,200
"Though not just an MBE that
would be a bit of an insult.

399
00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:55,880
"Yours sincerely, Barbara Windsor.

400
00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:59,560
"You know, that little old
common lady off the TV."

401
00:23:59,560 --> 00:24:01,200
Do you need a pen?

402
00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:03,120
Piss off.

403
00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:06,640
Back in the First Class cabin,

404
00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:08,480
Princess Anne's lady-in-waiting

405
00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:10,280
has completed her inspection.

406
00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:13,440
I very much look forward to
meeting the Princess on Tuesday.

407
00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:16,040
Don't look at her, don't talk to
her, don't make a lunge at her.

408
00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:17,080
I wasn't going to.

409
00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:21,760
I know a lunger when I see one. In
fact I shall make a personal request
that you are not on the flight.

410
00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:22,800
Good day.

411
00:24:25,080 --> 00:24:26,600
Ho-huh!

412
00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:35,040
What an awful snob that woman was.

413
00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:40,440
After Jackie's outburst on the
plane, she and Simon have some news.

414
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:45,200
- Yes, I decided that the best thing
to do was for us to separate.
- Well, actually, I said it first.

415
00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:50,280
Yeah, but I thought of it before
you said it, so, technically
Simon, it was my decision.

416
00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:53,280
Yeah, I mean we're still
working together obviously.

417
00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:57,320
We're still living together,
we've only got one bedroom so
we're still sharing a bed.

418
00:24:57,320 --> 00:25:00,920
The only difference really
is that we're not physically
intimate with each other.

419
00:25:00,920 --> 00:25:03,200
Well, we haven't been
for five years anyway.

420
00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:05,480
No. So I've just started dogging.

421
00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:09,074
- Really?
- Yes, it's very nice.

422
00:25:09,074 --> 00:25:10,463
Where do you do that?

423
00:25:10,498 --> 00:25:16,160
- In the cul-de-sac. -  What, and other
people are there having sex? - Yes.

424
00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:19,080
- We're all having a gay old time.
- Anyone I know?

425
00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:21,920
I don't know, I've
only seen them from waist down.

426
00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:26,760
It's been a long week for the
Woods family

427
00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:29,280
who are still waiting
for their flight.

428
00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:31,000
It's been all right. We make do.

429
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:34,720
Yeah, I mean you talk to the other
passengers and you make new friends.

430
00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:36,800
Then they have to fly away of course.

431
00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:40,400
Yeah, but then you see we're
here to greet them when they
come back, which is nice.

432
00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:45,040
It was our anniversary last night,
so we sat the kids in front of the

433
00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:47,938
departure boards and we took
the monorail down to Terminal 2

434
00:25:47,938 --> 00:25:49,629
and we went to the Cafe Rouge.

435
00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:53,000
Yeah, they gave us a lovely
little table outside, near Tie Rack.

436
00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:56,040
And on the weekend we took
the kids out for a treat,
down to Baggage Reclaim.

437
00:25:56,040 --> 00:25:58,360
Yeah, we played a little
game with them, didn't we?

438
00:25:58,360 --> 00:26:01,200
"Can you guess what colour
the next case is going to be?".

439
00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:04,200
- Sometimes they're black, sometimes
they're grey. - Ooh, the red one.

440
00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:08,600
Oh, yeah, we saw a red one the
other day. That was very amusing.

441
00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:17,320
We went to the Bureau de Change,
and we changed our money into
Turkish and then back again.

442
00:26:17,320 --> 00:26:20,040
That was a fun eight minutes. Hm.

443
00:26:27,200 --> 00:26:28,815
- Smoothies.
- Oh, yes.

444
00:26:28,815 --> 00:26:32,374
 We've discovered that they give out
little samples of smoothies,

445
00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:37,200
and if you collect enough of them
during the day, by six o'clock
you got your own full-size smoothie.

446
00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:41,240
That's about it really.

447
00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:45,240
Been a quiet sort of week.

448
00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:50,560
- Oh, you won that Ferrari in the
raffle. - I did. That was nice. Yeah.

449
00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:58,560
Night falls, and another
day in the life of the
airport draws to a close.

450
00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:03,200
The Woods family ended up
missing their flight and are
still living in the terminal.

451
00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:06,000
- Move your fat arse.
- I'm moving my fat arse.

452
00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:09,800
Mickey and Buster added to
their portfolio of world leaders

453
00:27:09,800 --> 00:27:13,600
when they snapped Vladimir Putin
playing frisbee with Abi Titmuss.

454
00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:16,040
And Ian Foot remains vigilant.

455
00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:21,120
Well, I've actually got the
whole variety of disguises here.

456
00:27:21,120 --> 00:27:27,680
Got Australian, Rastafarian,
Russian, Lady Gaga

457
00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:30,480
and Scotch.

458
00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:35,520
Unfortunately these days there
are more and more Scottish people
trying to gain access to Britain.

459
00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:39,040
Keep 'em out, I say. Keep 'em out!