Music: Puffin' Billy Edmund White/Melodi Light Orchestra
[train whistle]
Oh, it's super to be back on hols, Aunt Fanny!
Timmy! You're just as licky as ever!
My word, haven't you all grown!
Thanks, old stick! Well, it's great to see the girls again, isn't it, Dick?
Oh, rather!
Well, you must all be famished after your journey,
so I've made you a slap-up meal. Come on!
Oh, wizard! I'm absolutely starving!
Mmm! Me too!
I vote we all go for a cold swim first!
I feel pretty hot and sticky after that long train journey!
Oh, yes! Let's!
Come on, everybody, pile in!
Come on, Timmy!
I say, Ju, that man looks foreign!
Yes - I expect his name's Golliwog!
Yes, or Tarzan!
I think we'd better call the police just as soon as we get back to Kirrin Cottage.
Oh, I'm so happy - I just know these hols are going to be really first rate.
Mmm! Rhubarb tart! My favourite! With lashings of cream!
You've had four helpings already, Dick!
Thanks Anne. You really are a proper little housewife!
Not like George. She still thinks she's a boy!
I think it's stupid being a girl.
I wish I was a boy.
Really, George! It's about time you gave up thinking you were as good as a boy.
I mean, Anne is just a girl, but she doesn't mind. Do you, Anne?
Well, I absolutely do mind, actually!
Steady on, you two! The hols have only just started.
You seem so grown up, Julian.
[Police car bell]
Seize him, Sergeant!
Well, have you all enjoyed your supper?
RATHER!
Right! Then I expect you're ready for an early bed.
[GROANS]
What was that mysterious phone call, Aunt Fanny?
That was your uncle Quentin.
Yes - we haven't seen him yet. How strange.
Well, he IS a famous scientist, you know.
And he does a lot of top secret work for the government.
Yes! I expect he's working on some new scientific discovery, isn't he?
Well, I didn't want to spoil your holiday, but I'm afraid, children...
your uncle has been kidnapped again!
Oh, no!
Bad show!
Crikey! That must be a bit of a blow for you, Aunt Fanny!
Yes! Twice in six months!
Yes, yes... Still, I expect it'll all sort itself out.
Look here, Aunt Fanny - we were wondering
- I mean... We don't want to be more trouble for you...
Go on, say it, Ju!
It's just that our bikes happen to be in first-class order
so we thought we could all go cycling for a few days.
I've looked at the map, and there's rather an interesting ruined castle in Dorset we could look at.
Well, I'm always afraid that you're gonna have another one of those hair-raising adventures again!
Oh, nothing like that'll happen this time - I promise!
And anyway - Julian will always look after us, won't you, Ju?
Yes... Well... You are rather mature, aren't you, Julian. Hmm.
Well, that's settled then.
Alright, I agree.
HURRAY!
Shame about Uncle Quentin.
I agree with you heartily, Dick.
Still - now we can go absolutely mad if we want to!
Yes! We can do anything! It's really first rate!
I say - this is a jolly wizard lunch, Anne!
You really are going to make someone a great little wife one day.
Mmm - my favourite. Ham and turkey sandwiches, heaps of tomatoes,
fresh lettuce and lashings of ginger beer!
This is just the kind of holiday I like.
Picnicky meals and not too much adventure.
Ha! Well, don't speak too soon, old thing!
Here, Fido!
That's strange!
Why on earth would somebody want to feed Timmy?
Yes - that was rather odd!
Shh!
I say - look over there!
What a strange pair!
Yes - one's got a big nose and thick lips
and the other one's got mean, clever little eyes!
And they're unshaven - just look at the way they're slouching!
Oh, poo! I hope they don't come anywhere near me -
I feel as if I can smell them from here!
Ssh! I can hear them talking!
What abaht the sparklers, Punchy?
Don't you worry abaht them - I'll look after that.
Well, now that you're out of jail, you'd better lie low.
D'you think they're escaped convicts?
Yes - or traitors to our country!
We'd better call the police.
Look! Timmy's fallen over!
Oh, crikey!
He's been poisoned!
Never mind, George. We'll get another.
Come on, everybody! Let's find a telephone!
[Police car bell]
Well done! Thanks to you, we've caught these two red-handed!
We're very glad to be of help, sir!
I must say, you seem very grown up!
I shouldn't be surprised if you joined the police force some day!
Thank you, sir!
You little bastard! I've just spent 15 years of my life behind bars!
I'm gonna kill you when I get out!
Phew! Well now, let's all stop in the next village and celebrate with some ice creams!
Rather!
I feel exactly like an ice cream!
Ah! According to the map there's a shop there that does some jolly decent ones...
Mmm!
This is grand!
Yes! I think we ought to pay you double price for these gorgeous ice creams!
No, no, young gent. I wouldn't hear of taking your money,
but it's right darn nice, I'll be bound!
I say, look at this, everybody!
Two more famous scientists kidnapped!
Yes, there's been a lot of strange comings and goings in this village.
Secrets and... signs and... threats...
[Timmy growls; shop bell rings]
Hello, Master Toby.
Give me some chocolate cake and some ginger beer, old woman!
You COULD say please!
I'm so filthy rich I don't have to!
Here's a five pound note. Keep the change.
That's Toby Thurlow. His father's one of the richest men in the country.
Well, his son is certainly one of the rudest!
Yes - I agree with you heartily, George!
Well, we must be going. Thank you.
Yes! You really are a brick!
It's a pleasure! Right darn nice you are!
Here - take these sandwiches and cakes with you.
[All] I say! Thank you very much!
[George] Come on, Timmy!
Hello there!
My name's Toby Thurlow, you know!
Yes we DO know, actually.
I say, you four look as though you're having a pretty exciting time of it!
I think I'll come cycling with you for a bit.
No thanks! We don't talk to other children.
Now look here! I own this village so you'd better be nice to me!
Look, just clear off or we'll call the police!
I... I didn't mean to be rude. It's all because I'm an only child and...
...I'm stinking rich. I've never had any friends!
You all look so decent! Please can I come with you?
No, we don't want you! Do we, Anne.
Well, I suppose he could stay with us for a short time, couldn't he.
What do you say, Dick?
Well, if he promises to be good, then I suppose it wouldn't hurt.
Alright then, but you must do exactly as we tell you.
Oh, I promise! I'll do anything just to be friends with you!
[George] Come on, Timmy!
[Julian] This looks like a grand spot for a picnic!
[Dick] Rather! I'm starving!
[Anne] Me too!
What's for tea, Anne?
Ham and turkey sandwiches bags of lettuce, hard-boiled eggs
heaps of tomatoes and lashings of ginger beer!
Hurrah!
We're so greedy, aren't we!
You're pretty well-developed for a ten-year-old!
I say! I think I've found a really first-rate spot to pitch our tents for the night.
It's right beside a lake and some woods.
Oh, wizard! We can all go for a refreshing early morning dip!
After all, we're all used to cold baths every day!
'Ere, Fido!
That's very strange! Do you think somebody's got it in for Timmy?
Yes. That was rather odd.
I know who that was!
Who was that and how do you know who that was?
Come on! Tell us everything at once!
We must know because there's something very peculiar going on, that's for sure!
His name's Dirty Dick. He was a bodyguard to my father - and a right ruffian too.
One day, he had a perfectly furious row with my father after he kicked
one of the dogs down the well!
This is all getting very mysterious!
[Julian] I think we're nearly there.
Gosh, we seem to be miles from anywhere!
Seems so isolated. I'm sure some pretty queer things go on around here.
Yes. Look over there! There's a man parachuting into the field!
So there is! Look!
Maybe it's a spy being dropped down into this desolate countryside.
Or perhaps a deserter from the Air Force - that's even more likely.
Come on, let's find out!
[Dick] Look! There's someone here to meet him!
It must have been pre-arranged!
[Anne] Are they burying the parachute?
No. It looks as if they're digging something up.
[Dick] Gosh! It looks like an atom bomb!
So it does!
[Reg] Good work Jake! Remember - Don't spill the beans - you know wot I mean!
[Jake] I done the dirty work - 'ow abaht me money?
You'll get the money like I said! Just don't try and blackmail me, that's all!
Don't worry about that, Reg - top secret information's my game!
[Anne] This is all getting stranger by the minute.
What can it all mean?
Blowed if I know, but they're up to some funny business, I'll be bound.
Come on everybody, let's find the campsite before it gets dark.
Let's hope we don't come across any more queer happenings tonight.
We've had quite enough for one day!
Well! I feel pretty hot and sticky after all that!
Who's coming for a dip?
I will!
Now look here!
Isn't it time you were home?
Oh, no thanks! I'm having too good a time here with all my new friends!
Well, I'm afraid there isn't very much room here for you.
We've only got two tents. Where are you going to sleep?
I want to sleep with Dick.
But Julian always sleeps with Dick! Don't you, Ju?
Yes. It's time you scooted off now Toby. You've had a long time with us!
Oh, I suppose Dick doesn't have any say in the matter!
Now look here! We're the Famous Five and that's how it's going to stay!
Besides which, you don't fit in.
Maybe not with you, you dyke, but he wants me to stay!
That's a lie!
Ask him!
Do you, Dick?
Well?
I... I don't know.
[Laughs] You thought you were going to get rid of me, didn't you!
But I'm going to be your friend for just a bit longer!
How could you be so feeble, Dick? You know perfectly well he's going to ruin the hols!
It's not my fault, George!
This whole situation is just getting too involved for my liking! [sobs]
Look here! You've upset Dick now you pesky little brat!
Can I do anything to help, Ju?
No thanks Anne. You're a girl - I'd better handle this.
You really are extraordinarily grown up, Julian.
I know.
What is it, Dick?
Nothing.
Look - don't let the girls see you like this.
I'm sorry, Ju - it's... I didn't mean to let you down like that, it's just...
Growing-up feelings and relationships, that's all.
I understand.
I mean, what's so wrong with somebody wanting to be our friend anyway?
There's nothing wrong with that. It's perfectly wizard.
But what if everybody wanted to be our friend? Where would we be then, hmm?
I don't know!!
Let's face it, Dick - we don't even know if he goes to a good school!
Between you and me, he doesn't really look the adventure type.
Adventures?! That's all we ever have!
All we hear is secret conversations, digging up buried treasure,
Chasing people down tunnels! Why can't we do something else for a change?!
Like what?
I don't know! Just -
Building model aeroplanes, or... or country dancing!
I'll pretend I didn't hear that!
Come on George! You and I'll get some food from the lonely farmhouse!
Shut up, you little crybaby! You jolly well deserved that!
[Julian] Give him a bandage, Anne! Come on, George!
Sorry about all this, Toby!
I'm afraid it's all been a frightful mess.
Julian didn't mean to hurt you.
It's just that he takes our adventures very seriously.
He's awfully sensible and grown-up!
And you must admit, he's got a wizard right hook!
[sobs] My dad's gonna sue him!
Buck up, Toby. I think you're quite nice!
Come on! Let's do something exciting under water!
[Toby screams]
Come on, Toby! Stop moaning! It's lovely and refreshing!
It'll do you the power of good!
[Toby screams]
I think this is it.
Look! That car's got no motor tax!
Maybe it belongs to an illegal immigrant!
I shouldn't be surprised.
What a strange, desolate place!
YEAH?
Ah. Good evening. We're the Famous Five and we're camping down by the lake
and we need some food.
HUH?!
We'd like some free range eggs, your own home-baked bread,
some of your own cured bacon and your own honey,
and some tomatoes from your garden would do splendidly.
OH YEAH? WHAT D'YOU THINK THIS IS - 'ARRODS?
COME ON - PISS OFF NOW AND DON'T SPEAK TO ANY COPPERS ABAHT ME!
I don't think I really like the tone of your voice!
[inside] 'Oo's out there, Dick? It's not the rozzers, I 'ope?
Nah! It's just a couple of smarmy brats!
[inside] Tell 'em to scarper! We've got some more dirty work to do!
Wait a minute! You must be Dirty Dick!
No, no! My name's not Dirty Dick!
It's er... It's er... Dirty Douglas!
Look here - there's something very queer going on.
What exactly are you doing in there?
Oh. So you've tumbled our game, have you?
[inside] What's that? What's that? Are we done for, Dirty?
Sorry, Fingers. I'm afraid we're banged to rights this time.
[inside] Let's make a run for it, Dirty!
You start the car while I grab the sparklers! We can still get away with it!
It's no good, Fingers! These kids are far too clever for us!
We'll get 15 years each for this!
[inside] Oh, no! Not another stretch in clink!
I'm gonna take the easy way out!
[GUNSHOT]
Ugh! What a horrid, common voice he's got!
Oh well. I suppose I'd better go down the police station and get nicked then.
Oh, do wipe your feet Dick - I've only just dusted there!
My word, Anne, you really are a proper little housewife!
It must be awful being a girl and having to do all the work.
Well yes, it would be nice to do some of the more exciting things that you boys do.
Still, I don't mind being dominated.
At least I'm quiet and pretty, not like poor George.
Yes, that's true.
I say, is supper ready yet? I'm starving!
It will be in a minute, as soon as the others get here.
Oh, here they are!
HURRAH!
Hello there! Sorry we're late, you two. We had a spot of trouble
but we've managed to rustle up a hamper from the constable's wife.
Yes, she was a sweet old thing.
She gave us some cold ham and turkey, heaps of tomatoes,
hard-boiled eggs, bags of lettuce and
lashings of ginger beer!
Oh, wizard!
I say, where's young Toby got to?
He's been kidnapped.
Typical.
Serves him right for being nouveau riche!
Yes, and Jewish! [They all laugh]
Come on, let's tuck in!
[George] Oh Timmy, you're so licky!
[Anne] You shouldn't let him do that George. It's not hygienic.
But we like it, don't we Timmy!
[Julian] Come on, girls! Leave Timmy alone! Light out, everybody!
Night night!
Night night, Julian and Dick!
Night night, George and Anne!
Right! Let's run through our evil plan once more, Mr Knuckles!
Right you are, Mr Lenin!
[whispers] Wake up, Ju!
I can hear voices!
[Julian] I can't hear anything.
Listen! There it is again!
[outside] Blah blah blah... stolen plans... Blah blah blah... missing scientist...
Blah blah blah... Shh! Blah blah blah... atom bomb...
Blah blah blah... Third World War...
Blah blah blah... Shh!
Blah blah blah... Kneecap Hill...
Blah blah blah... top secret...
Blah blah blah... kidnapped boy...
Blah blah blah... everything ties up...
Blah blah blah... Shhh!
Missing scientists? Kneecap Hill? Do me a favour? Big secret...
What d'you think it all means?
I'm not sure, Dick, but it all sounds very queer!
Maybe it's some sort of clue!
My word, you're right!
Come on. let's get some sleep now.
I'm much too tired to solve this mystery tonight!
Me too!
[George] Well, I can't see Kneecap Hill marked anywhere on this map!
Are you sure that's what they said, Dick?
Of course I'm sure! D'you think I'm barmy or something?
Steady on, you two!
Wait a minute, everybody - look at this.
What is it, Anne?
Well, it's only a hunch.
Go on! Go on!
Look - there's a village here - Crutchley - and along here there's Thigh Woods.
Well, what about it?
Well, down here there's a village called Ankle on the Water
so maybe this hill here in the middle is Kneecap Hill!
Gosh! You're right, Anne!
Good show! That's pretty smart for a girl! [George] Fluke.
Come on, everybody! Let's make our way to Kneecap Hill as quick as ever we can!
[Anne] Come on, Timmy!
[Julian] Excuse me, er, Mister Gypsy!
Erm... Can you tell us the way to Kneecap Hill?
Ah. You folks don't want to go up there, do you?
Why is that?
It's just there's been a lot of strange comings and goings from the old ruin, that's all.
An old ruin?
How exciting!
Oh, yes. No telephone, no electricity, no gas, no water laid on...
just...
secrets...
and signs and...
threats!
[exhales] I think I'm a bit frightened already!
You'll be alright, young missy, with your short skirt and your tight sweater!
You know, you remind me of my naughty grand-daughter!
Right! Off we go!
What a horrible old gypsy!
Yes, he did smell rather unwashed!
Look! There it is!
Kneecap Hill!
[George] How on Earth are we going to get in?
We'll never be able to climb over that high wall!
Perhaps there's a secret way in. There always has been in our previous adventures.
Yes, and I expect this will be no exception. Come on!
Watch! Somebody's coming! Quickly everybody - hide in there!
Blah blah Rio...
Blah blah Janeiro...
Blah blah... Shh!
Blah blah submarine...
Blah blah leave it aht...
Blah blah...
That's the same two men from last night!
Yes! They must have come out of a secret entrance in the wall down there!
I wouldn't mind betting we discover it any second now!
I think I've found it!
Hurrah!
I say, George, you're pretty spunky for a girl!
Oh, thanks Dick!
Oh, blow - it won't open!
Well, perhaps there's a secret mechanism that opens it.
Of course! How silly of us not to have thought of that!
I say, Dick - try bending that branch over there three times.
[all] Hurrah!
[Dick] Can't be much further to go.
Look!
A ladder!
[George whispers] Hurrah!
I wouldn't be surprised if that ladder leads up to a cupboard
with a hidden room beyond, full of government secrets and strange machinery!
Gosh! I think you're right, George!
This must be their headquarters!
[Julian] I wonder where this leads to.
[Dick] I think we must be right inside the castle!
Look! A foreign cigarette end!
Yes!
And it's still warm!
It must have been left here by some enemy of democracy
never expecting us to find it.
[outside] You're quite right!
We never thought you'd stumbled upon our den of vice!
If it ain't them nosy kids blah blah blah!
Yes, we are very nosy indeed, and a good job too by the look of things!
Looks just like them cheap foreign fags was a dead giveaway Mr Lenin, blah blah blah!
Look here - who's in charge of you ruffians? I demand we be taken to him at once!
Don't worry, you'll meet the boss soon enough! And then you won't be so cocky, young gent!
Right, Mr Knuckles, I'll go first,
you follow behind, and if they give any trouble, boot 'em!
Righty-ho, Mr Lenin, blah blah blah!
[all] Toby!
Are you alright? You haven't been doped or tortured?
We've been so worried about you!
Quiet everybody! Listen Toby, we haven't got much time, so tell us
quickly all that's been happening since you mysteriously disappeared.
My word! You look as though you've had a pretty terrifying experience, old thing!
Well, it was a bit hair-raising at first, that's for sure, but, um...
now I quite enjoy it.
[George] What the blazes do you mean by that, Toby?
[Dick] Yes! Spill the beans at once because there's something
very unnatural going on here and that's for sure!
[man] I think I can explain everything, children.
[all] UNCLE QUENTIN!
[Lenin] Shall I wait outside, boss?
If you'd be so kind, Mr Lenin. Thank you.
Do sit down, children.
[Julian] What's going on, Uncle Quentin?
Yes! We thought you'd been kidnapped!
That was all part of my plan.
[Julian] What exactly do you mean, Uncle?
Now that you dreadful children have found out my little secret I suppose
I may as well... spill the beans.
You mean the kidnap... was all a hoax? Whatever for?
For many years now, your Aunt Fanny and I have not had a proper marital relationship.
She is an unrelenting nymphomaniac and I am a screaming homosexual.
It seemed pointless trying to explain it to you... little prigs.
So we concocted this story to save your aunt from any further embarrassment.
It's too late now. Toby and I are fleeing the country tonight
in a fishing boat.
But what about the stolen bomb? And Dirty Dick?
And the two famous scientists?
And the poisoned meat!
That was all just a ruse to put you off the scent.
They were all third-rate movie actors employed by me.
Well, you're wrong about one thing, Uncle Quentin!
There is something we can still do and that's call the police!
Homosexuality is still against the law in this country, as well you know it!
Oh, dear. I thought even you, Julian, might find a morsel of sympathy
for your poor old uncle.
For old time's sake.
It's no good, Uncle Quentin! You're a queer, and that's the end of it!
[police car bell]
Hurrah! It's the police!
[Inspector] Well done, Famous Five!
We've had our eye on these two for quite some time now
and thanks to you we've caught 'em red-handed!
Well done, Timmy!
It'll be a long time before they see the light of day again!
It's youngsters like you we need in this country!
I'm proud to have met you.
Best of luck, Famous Five!
Well! that was an adventure and a half!
Yes. Who would have thought THAT of Uncle Quentin?
Ugh! I'm glad he's been safely locked up. I never liked him one bit anyway.
Well! I think after all that excitement we deserve a slap-up meal! Don't you?
Rather! I'm starving!
What a superb idea!
Cold ham, turkey, heaps of tomatoes, bags of lettuce,
hard-boiled eggs and lashings of ginger beer!
Hurrah!
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