- hey, man. my name's jeff.
I'm trying to lock down the rest of my schedule
Before the deadline.
I heard this class was a cakewalk.
Are you passing it?
Do you like dane cook?
- yeah, he's awesome.
- so far so good.
- death...
So-called...
Is a thing that makes men weep.
And yet a third of life is spent
In sleep.
Open your textbooks to page 37.
Now...close them and throw them away.
Throw it away! [laughs]
Throw it away!
For those of you who are new,
The motto of this class: carpe diem.
"seize the day!"
No tests! no papers.
You want an "a"?
Live in...
The moment.
- jackpot. - take off your shoes.
Quick. take off your shoes. everyone, take your shoes off.
Throw them away.
Throw them across the room over there.
Today, we learn to walk!
Get up and walk out the door!
This day could be your last!
You could die in your sleep.
You could get hit by a bus.
You, that mole is raised and dark.
It's not a good combo.
You are new. - yes, i'm new.
But i'll be old too soon.
Carpe diem, sir. carpe diem!
- [laughs] i like it!
- voice command. [phone beeps]
Voice command. [beep]
Voice command! [beep]
[clears throat]
Voice com-- [beep]
- would you please use the buttons?
- okay, grandpa.
- [high-pitched sneeze]
- oh, god bless you, dear.
[laughter] - what's so funny?
- you guys, i found it. the ultimate blow-off class.
Professor whitman.
he thinks he's in dead poets society.
There's no tests. there's no work.
It's just "day seizing."
The deadline to enroll is tomorrow.
I suggest you all do it.
- well, some of us are here to actually learn things.
- i'm in. - me too. it sounds educational.
- i'll do it. i love robin williams.
- abed? - not a fan.
In every movie, there's an authority figure
That gets mad at him for making people laugh.
- no, are--are you going to take the class?
- oh, can't.
My dad will only pay for classes
That will help me run the family restaurant.
It's been struggling since 2001.
9/11 was pretty much the 9/11 of the falafel business.
- so your dad has your whole life planned out for you?
Are you even interested in falafel?
- i'm interested in making movies.
But my dad says all media's western propaganda
That negatively stereotypes arabs.
- then he should see aladdin. jafar was a bad-ass.
- yes, he was.
- abed. - mm.
- how much does a film class cost?
- $70.
- britta. - jeff.
- britta.
- isn't abed's dad a hardcore muslim?
They're not as understanding as christians.
You can get your head cut off with a salami sword.
- shirley!
That's the most racist thing i've ever heard.
- pierce will beat that in one minute.
[watch beeps]
- this is really nice of you. the memo says "for dreams."
- oh!
- you guys, are we going to study spanish
Or keep getting involved in each other's personal lives?
- [high-pitched sneeze] - hey, troy sneezes like a girl.
- and how about i pound you like a boy?
That didn't come out right.
- why don't you all just leave him alone
With his cute little baby sneezes.
- you're not my mother. - she's not?
- 29 seconds.
- * give me some rope, time in a tree *
* give me the hope to run out of steam *
* somebody said we could be here *
* we could roped up, tied up, dead in a year *
* i can't count the reasons i should stay *
* one by one they all just fade away *
- what's your name? - my name is shirley bennett.
- shirley, you get an "a"... - oh.
- if you can tell me why you are here at greendale.
- what'd i tell you?
Okay, but, uh, never again.
- shirley?
- to get a degree in business
So i can sell my baked goods and whatnot on the internet.
- why...are you here?
- to get a degree in business
So i can sell my baked goods and whatnot on the internet.
- why are you here?
- because i wasted 15 years of my life on a man
Who left me with nothing but stretch marks
And a foggy memory of two bland orgasms.
And now it's time to get what's mine.
- day seized.
[applause]
Only when we stop stopping our lives
Can we begin to start starting them.
Ms. edison here, for example, would rather write
About what happens to other people
Than live what is happening to her.
- i thought there might be a quiz.
- well, here's a quiz for you.
Why did the pretty young girl die alone
Surrounded by sweater-wearing cats
Who are trained to use human toilets?
Get up on your desk.
Come on. stand on your desk.
Up on your desk.
She made it! ha ha!
Everyone stand on your desks!
Up, up, up, up, up! come on.
Rise, rise, rise above the programming.
All your lives you were told don't stand on your desks.
Well, why not?
[desk collapses] - ooh! ooh! oh, heaven.
My. - she's okay.
Go to the nurse. seize the day.
- you know, i was really moved by your honesty earlier.
Particularly the part about your husband
Not being able, you know...
- your homework. ah.
I want you to swim in a lake
And tell ten people that you love them.
Mr. winger, can i have a word, please?
- are you okay. - oh, maybe i'm not.
- hi.
Mr. winger, i like to think that every life
That passes through this class is changed.
But every year, there's always one cocky opportunist
Who's just here to coast and grab an easy "a."
- oh, yeah. his name's pierce.
I-i can talk to him for you.
- 's actually you, mr. winger.
You have no intention of seizing the day.
- what? listen, i-i have never lived
Until i met you.
I-i love you.
Oh, there's one down. nine to go.
Not that i need the grade or even want it!
- well, i'm glad to hear it.
Because if you don't genuinely seize the day
Before the end of the week,
Then you will be seizing an "f" for the semester.
- you...
This is no way to teach accounting!
- i have to plan in advance
How to prove that i live in the moment.
I mean, i'd rather take an actual class,
But now it's too late to drop or add.
- it is not fair how hard it is for you to cheat here.
[inhales] hey, how's it going?
How's your film class, buddy?
- it's cool. our first assignment is a documentary.
They're like real movies, but with ugly people.
I'm learning a lot. - that is so wonderful.
Some people don't like getting involved
In other's lives.
I think it's great.
- hey, if you're making a documentary
About britta patting herself on the back,
You're gonna need a backup battery.
- actually, i'm doing a movie about my dad.
- that is brilliant.
How did he react to you signing up for the film class?
- that part hasn't happened yet. here he comes.
- hey! you want to get involved in my family's business?
- holy...war.
- where do i find mr. britta? - i'm mr. britta.
That's right. i'm a woman with rights.
And you can see my whole face.
- oh, i get it!
Because i'm arab, i must hate women.
Let me tell you something, i love women.
But i'm getting a major b-word vibe from you.
- wow, i can't believe i missed out
On getting involved in this.
- you go host american idol
And you stop messing with my son.
He's a special boy.
I raise him, okay? you don't raise him.
- raising him means letting him follow his dreams.
- dreams are for sleeping. - you don't know that.
- it's clinically proven. - so's polio.
- you lost me!
- abed wants to study film.
- [speaking arabic]
- wait, what is he saying? - he says "we're leaving."
- tell him that you want to stay and study film.
- i don't think i'm really in the scene.
- see, it was hard enough to talk to him before.
Now we have this between us!
Let's go! - hey! hey!
- hey, don't touch me!
- guys, guys, stop it. stop it.
- you don't touch me! - britta back up. stop.
Sir, you have a right to your faith
And your family's privacy.
But abed is an adult and a u.s. citizen.
Right? - yeah.
- and he has the right to stay.
- fine. you want to raise him, you raise him.
I'm out! - wait, what?
- you know, i had a father like you.
And the day i finally cut myself loose
[crying] is the day i finally started being happy.
- well, that went well.
- i'll have to make some adjustments to my film.
Jeff, i think you should play the role of my father.
- i don't want to be your father.
- that's perfect. you already know your lines.
What?
Why are you dressed like an '80s rapist?
- professor whitman comes by here every morning
And i need him to see me celebrating life.
What's all that?
- i am calculating abed's expenses
For the semester.
You know, there's books. there's meals.
He's renting that camera.
And, you know, he needs a little spending money.
- um, all money is spending money.
- britta, um, it's amazing what you're doing for abed.
I mean, a lot of people talk a good game.
But you, you follow through. love you.
- shirley, thank you.
Bet that doesn't happen to you a lot.
- happened yesterday.
Shirley's just doing her homework.
- hillary, thank you for getting people coffee.
I love you.
- abed, how's it going, buddy?
- good. my film is coming together.
Cool tie, jeff.
Are you wearing that
Because you're playing the role of my dad,
Or is it really christmas?
- definitely christmas.
- is that a new camera? - yeah.
It's more expensive,
But it lets me adjust really specific settings
That most people don't notice or think about.
Hi, i would like a latte.
And, jeff, let me get you something.
- i'm okay. - oh, come on. i got you.
- no, really. i don't need anything.
- no, really. you're insulting me.
Look at all this cash.
- okay, i will get a small, black coffee.
- boo. an ordinary coffee for an ordinary life.
- [perky] good morning, professor whitman.
- sorry, mr. winger, these won't cut it.
- shazbot! - i shall have...
A birthday cake!
- [high-pitched sneeze]
[laughter]
- i've seen men in your situation, troy.
No, those are both for me.
You were on top of the world before
And now no one gives a rat's ass.
I can help you with your image.
First, lose the jacket.
You look like a high school bitch.
But more importantly, it's your sneeze.
When i was a ceo,
I had an array of masculine sneezes
That asserted dominance.
You know, like, the explosive,
Shock-the-room-into-silence sneeze.
The [deafening sneeze]
[shouts incoherently]
Or the draw-them-in sneeze.
You know... [gasping convulsively]
And maybe i wouldn't sneeze because i'm in control.
You could even use a sneeze to drive home a point even.
Like, i think-- i think the cubs
Are going to win it all this year.
[violently clipped sneeze]
[sniffs]
What do you think?
- tell me more.
- it's showtime.
Hey, everybody. good morning.
Good morning, sir.
Good morning, greendale! hi! good morning!
Watch the kite. uh-oh.
Mind if i get a chance? oh!
Look at this. one foot.
[laughing]
Thanks, you guys. bring it in here.
Nice. thank you so much, you guys.
That was really fun.
- sloppy.
And considering the age of these girls,
Unwittingly creepy.
- damn it.
Beat it.
Professor, will you look at the amount of work
That i'm putting into this?
I mean, throw me a bone!
- had i not already cried at the sunrise this morning,
I would be weeping right now.
- what does that mean? - what do you mean, jeff?
What does your life mean?
How long does it take you in the morning
To--to make it look like you have bed head?
How many sweat pants, sport jacket combos did you try
Before you found the one that said "i don't care"?
Seize the day, jeff, for real.
Go running naked in a hailstorm,
Kiss a girl in the middle of the day,
Fly a kite, but do it for yourself.
Or you won't just fail my class,
You'll fail life.
- thank you.
That guy's really got your number.
- drop the flower.
- look, i really need to talk to you about abed.
I went by his film class today. he wasn't there.
He's cutting.
I want to know why he would do something like that.
- ask him.
- every time i try to ask him about it,
He just keeps filming me and telling me
That i'm playing the role of his mother.
- abed is not normal.
That's what you bought
When you intentionally tangled yourself in his life.
- look, will you just-- will you please talk to him?
- i've got problems of my own!
I'm out here trying to seize a day!
What in the hell?
Is he gonna kill us?
- thanks for the pizza, abed. i was starving.
- yeah, it's nice. like a--like a picnic.
- or a family dinner.
- it's a study group and a pizza.
Let's not get carried away.
[britta clears throat]
[clears throat louder]
- so, abed, how's film class?
- good.
- yeah? did you go to class today?
- not really. - not really.
Well, britta's paying for those classes.
Don't you think maybe you should go?
- i was shooting my movie.
- yeah, but your movie's for class.
- my movie's more important. - well, ooh la la.
- someone order seven lattes?
- i got that. - no, you don't got it.
I got it, abed. i got everything.
What is wrong with you?
All i want to do is take care of you.
I know you're not stupid. are you doing this on purpose?
Why won't you answer me?
- 'cause this is the scene where you leave.
- you better believe it.
- britta.
- what do you think, dad?
- i think you are really weird, abed.
And i think the wrong person just left.
- perfect. that's a wrap.
- that guy was your dad?
- hey. - hey.
You don't really have tickets for ravi shankar, do you?
- i lied to get you here
Because it's time to communicate.
- communicate. have you met abed?
- it's not the two of you that need to talk.
- hey, wait a minute, where's weezer?
- they're coming.
All right, now, the only reason
Why this whole mess got started
Is because both of you wanted the best for abed.
And i think the lesson we can all take away from this
Is that everyone should always do
Whatever they want and leave each other out of it.
- is that your take? let me give you mine.
You and your pillow-lipped girlfriend
Got all up in my stuff because you wanted to be cowboys
And then you turned chicken when you found out
It will take more than speeches and guided missiles.
- interesting. hadn't seen the iraq metaphor, but--
- what iraq metaphor?
I am talking about your speeches
And her guided-- - got it!
The point is is that britta is sorry, right?
- wrong. - crap.
- abed may not be a great filmmaker,
But that doesn't mean that he wants to make falafel.
You need to let him make his own decisions.
- make his own decisions?
Have you met abed? you know who he is?
- guys. - yes.
- guys! - he loves--
- i'm finished.
Britta, jeff, dad.
Dad.
[presses key]
[noisemaker tooting]
[baby crying]
- how's it going, buddy?
- i don't want to be your father.
[baby crying]
I think you are weird, abed.
- okay, look, i need to talk to you about abed.
- he's not normal.
[man screams]
- what is wrong with you?
All i want to do is take care of you.
Why will you not answer me?
[horse neighs]
[heart monitor beeping]
[flatline]
- what do you think, dad?
- i think you are weird, abed.
And i think the wrong person just left.
- it's not exactly citizen kane.
- [crying]
- i feel a little out of the loop here.
- that feeling is called the joy of freedom.
- my son is hard to understand.
If making movies help him be understood,
Then i pay for the class.
- [whispering] i made this all happen.
- with falafel as a fallback.
- abed. - yeah.
- did you do all of that to me on purpose?
That's not a very nice way to treat your friends.
- well, britta, it isn't called friend business,
It's called show business.
- he's smoking.
- honey, let him leave the nest.
- get your hand off my knee. - sorry.
- [clamorous sneeze]
- god--god bless you. god bless you.
- thank you.
- for someone who doesn't like getting involved,
Well, i owe you.
- you owe me.
That cannot be comfortable for you.
- hey, um, you should kiss me right now.
- day seized! - we're even.
- [laughs] "a" plus, winger.
I know a life-changing kiss when i see one.
Wowee! ha ha! [laughing]
- yeah. fooled you.
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