1
00:00:00,933 --> 00:00:03,434
- a small fading remnant
of a star.
2
00:00:03,501 --> 00:00:05,501
- a white dwarf.
- that's right!
3
00:00:05,567 --> 00:00:07,501
- i used a memory technique.
4
00:00:07,567 --> 00:00:08,900
dwarves hate being called
midgets,
5
00:00:08,967 --> 00:00:11,234
and midgets are small.
6
00:00:11,300 --> 00:00:12,667
- and...
7
00:00:12,734 --> 00:00:15,134
what does a star turn into
after it collapses?
8
00:00:15,200 --> 00:00:16,768
- a movie of the week.
9
00:00:16,834 --> 00:00:18,567
- black hole.
- right!
10
00:00:18,634 --> 00:00:20,634
troy! you could be
an astronomer.
11
00:00:20,701 --> 00:00:22,234
- as far as i'm concerned,
12
00:00:22,300 --> 00:00:26,000
there's only one black hole
worth studying.
13
00:00:26,067 --> 00:00:28,100
it's called sagittarius a,
14
00:00:28,167 --> 00:00:30,100
it's located in the center
of our galaxy,
15
00:00:30,167 --> 00:00:32,100
and it has the density
of 40 suns.
16
00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:36,334
just like my weiner.
- ha ha.
17
00:00:36,401 --> 00:00:38,501
you said weiner.
that's funny.
18
00:00:38,567 --> 00:00:40,200
- pierce and troy
didn't get along at first,
19
00:00:40,267 --> 00:00:42,200
but now they're bonding
through mutual adolescence.
20
00:00:42,267 --> 00:00:44,534
- shut up, boo-boo head.
- will you shut up, fart head?
21
00:00:44,601 --> 00:00:46,000
- hi, everybody.
[chuckles]
22
00:00:46,067 --> 00:00:48,601
well, look at this group
having some kind of meeting
23
00:00:48,667 --> 00:00:50,167
and being so diverse.
24
00:00:50,234 --> 00:00:51,801
there is just--boy!
25
00:00:51,868 --> 00:00:54,267
there is just one of
every kind of you, isn't there?
26
00:00:54,334 --> 00:00:55,634
- well, we are missing
a pipsqueak,
27
00:00:55,701 --> 00:00:57,134
but we don't want one,
so beat it.
28
00:00:57,200 --> 00:00:59,000
- um, pierce, that's the dean.
29
00:00:59,067 --> 00:01:01,434
- are you kidding?
- mm-mm.
30
00:01:01,501 --> 00:01:03,033
- sorry.
just my luck.
31
00:01:03,100 --> 00:01:04,601
- it's all right.
don't let me interrupt.
32
00:01:04,667 --> 00:01:08,033
sometimes i just roll around
campus like a little football.
33
00:01:08,100 --> 00:01:10,134
i can't believe this.
34
00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:13,134
here i am in a random
conversation about football,
35
00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:15,067
and i'm talking
to troy barnes,
36
00:01:15,134 --> 00:01:18,234
star quarterback
from riverside high...whoa.
37
00:01:18,300 --> 00:01:20,868
troy, did you know that
greendale has a football team?
38
00:01:20,933 --> 00:01:22,734
- did you know
they had a football?
39
00:01:22,801 --> 00:01:24,701
- ha. that's very funny.
40
00:01:24,768 --> 00:01:27,300
troy, i was so sorry
to hear about your injury.
41
00:01:27,367 --> 00:01:28,868
but now that you have
recovered,
42
00:01:28,933 --> 00:01:31,534
we would love for you to play
for the human beings.
43
00:01:31,601 --> 00:01:33,768
- the team's name
is the human beings?
44
00:01:33,834 --> 00:01:35,200
- yeah. my idea.
45
00:01:35,267 --> 00:01:36,667
it was
the greendale grizzlies,
46
00:01:36,734 --> 00:01:38,200
but i thought that, um...
47
00:01:38,267 --> 00:01:39,634
[softly]
well, a lot of these students
48
00:01:39,701 --> 00:01:41,567
have been called animals
their whole lives.
49
00:01:41,634 --> 00:01:44,367
unfortunately, i don't know
what to do about the mascot.
50
00:01:44,434 --> 00:01:46,033
- oh, i can help you
with that, your honor.
51
00:01:46,100 --> 00:01:48,601
i have
a wealth of experience
52
00:01:48,667 --> 00:01:50,200
in image management,
icon development,
53
00:01:50,267 --> 00:01:54,033
and y2k preparedness.
54
00:01:54,100 --> 00:01:55,701
troy, all of your friends
are lining up
55
00:01:55,768 --> 00:01:57,200
to turn greendale around.
56
00:01:57,267 --> 00:01:58,534
how about you?
57
00:01:58,601 --> 00:02:00,367
- troy isn't interested
in football anymore.
58
00:02:00,434 --> 00:02:01,834
getting injured
in that keg stand
59
00:02:01,900 --> 00:02:03,134
was the best thing
that ever happened to him.
60
00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:05,334
- whoa! yoko ono much?
61
00:02:06,567 --> 00:02:08,967
bros before hoes, troy.
62
00:02:09,033 --> 00:02:10,467
- [chuckles]
listen, man.
63
00:02:10,534 --> 00:02:12,067
no offense,
but i was the best,
64
00:02:12,134 --> 00:02:13,768
and i finished on top.
65
00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:15,467
i wouldn't play for this school
with a 10-foot pole.
66
00:02:15,534 --> 00:02:18,033
- dean, i'm sure troy
will sign up for football
67
00:02:18,100 --> 00:02:20,067
if and when some accident
68
00:02:20,134 --> 00:02:22,834
damages the part of his brain
that feels pride.
69
00:02:22,900 --> 00:02:24,234
until then,
would you excuse us?
70
00:02:24,300 --> 00:02:26,601
- all right, well, uh...
if you change your mind,
71
00:02:26,667 --> 00:02:28,000
the field is always open.
72
00:02:28,067 --> 00:02:29,401
oh, figuratively speaking.
73
00:02:29,467 --> 00:02:30,834
you know,
wednesdays and sundays
74
00:02:30,900 --> 00:02:33,567
it's used as parking overflow
for the mega-church.
75
00:02:33,634 --> 00:02:35,067
okay.
[chuckles]
76
00:02:35,134 --> 00:02:36,900
- now let's meet
the minimum requirements
77
00:02:36,967 --> 00:02:38,667
for a language credit,
shall we?
78
00:02:38,734 --> 00:02:40,734
- yes, but i need to go
to the bathroom first.
79
00:02:40,801 --> 00:02:44,601
uh, britta?
- oh, no, i don't have to go.
80
00:02:44,667 --> 00:02:47,267
- i'll go with you.
81
00:02:50,267 --> 00:02:51,933
- what?
she's offended?
82
00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:53,768
- girls go in groups.
83
00:02:53,834 --> 00:02:56,434
did you learn nothing from
stand-up comedy in the '90s?
84
00:02:56,501 --> 00:02:58,434
- i'm familiar with the concept.
i'm just--[stammers] fine.
85
00:02:58,501 --> 00:03:01,200
if it's important to shirley,
i'll go with her next time.
86
00:03:01,267 --> 00:03:04,434
i'm willing to try some more
mainstream feminine stuff.
87
00:03:04,501 --> 00:03:07,801
- well, then you should know
that nothing says "i'm a woman"
88
00:03:07,868 --> 00:03:09,801
like doing it with me.
89
00:03:09,868 --> 00:03:12,267
- nothing says, "i'm a pig"
like you.
90
00:03:12,334 --> 00:03:15,033
- will they or won't they?
sexual tension.
91
00:03:15,100 --> 00:03:16,768
- abed, it makes the group
uncomfortable
92
00:03:16,834 --> 00:03:18,300
when you talk about us
93
00:03:18,367 --> 00:03:20,534
like we're characters
in a show you're watching.
94
00:03:20,601 --> 00:03:22,033
- well, that's sort of
my gimmick.
95
00:03:22,100 --> 00:03:23,634
but we did lean on that
pretty hard last week.
96
00:03:23,701 --> 00:03:25,367
i can lay low
for an episode.
97
00:03:27,067 --> 00:03:28,367
- * i can't count *
98
00:03:28,434 --> 00:03:31,300
* the reasons i should stay *
99
00:03:31,301 --> 00:03:34,553
Sync By YesCool
www.addic7ed.com
100
00:03:34,734 --> 00:03:37,167
- you sure you made the right
call on the football team, troy?
101
00:03:37,234 --> 00:03:39,868
it looks like
they won something once.
102
00:03:39,933 --> 00:03:44,501
"most valued customer.
henderson trophy cases."
103
00:03:44,567 --> 00:03:45,868
- so we should still study
104
00:03:45,933 --> 00:03:47,601
a little more astronomy
later, right?
105
00:03:47,667 --> 00:03:50,467
maybe over some milky ways
or some mars bars.
106
00:03:50,534 --> 00:03:53,134
- or pancakes!
107
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:56,801
- "i'm jeff. and i'm a student
at greendale."
108
00:03:56,868 --> 00:03:59,200
that's not good.
109
00:03:59,267 --> 00:04:02,200
- wood undergoes
rapid oxidation
110
00:04:02,267 --> 00:04:04,768
because it reacts
spontaneously to--
111
00:04:06,367 --> 00:04:08,434
okay, guys, seriously,
we've talked about this, okay?
112
00:04:08,501 --> 00:04:11,234
you have got to turn off
your cell--
113
00:04:12,501 --> 00:04:13,701
that's mine.
my bad.
114
00:04:13,768 --> 00:04:15,334
- [whispers]
i'm going to the bathroom.
115
00:04:15,401 --> 00:04:16,534
- hi!
116
00:04:16,601 --> 00:04:17,667
- would you like
to come with me?
117
00:04:17,734 --> 00:04:19,834
- well, yes, yes, i would.
118
00:04:19,900 --> 00:04:21,501
oh, that's nice!
119
00:04:21,567 --> 00:04:23,334
- okay, what's it called?
120
00:04:23,401 --> 00:04:25,167
antoni--an--hold on.
121
00:04:25,234 --> 00:04:27,667
does anyone have a pen?
pen?
122
00:04:27,734 --> 00:04:29,167
no one has a pen.
123
00:04:29,234 --> 00:04:31,067
why would you not bring
a pen to class?
124
00:04:31,134 --> 00:04:32,367
idiot.
125
00:04:32,434 --> 00:04:33,801
no, you're not an idiot.
[loud laugh]
126
00:04:33,868 --> 00:04:36,000
- i had my blinker on
about five minutes,
127
00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:37,501
and this no-good,
clearly bald
128
00:04:37,567 --> 00:04:38,933
but trying to hide it
with a bandana loser
129
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:41,000
swooped right in.
i couldn't believe it.
130
00:04:41,067 --> 00:04:43,033
- maybe he didn't see you.
- he saw me!
131
00:04:43,100 --> 00:04:45,200
- maybe he had
his blinker on too.
132
00:04:45,267 --> 00:04:48,267
- maybe. so you...
got any family, britta?
133
00:04:48,334 --> 00:04:50,234
- yeah, whatever.
134
00:04:50,300 --> 00:04:52,567
- think my mom might visit
this weekend.
135
00:04:52,634 --> 00:04:54,467
she and i are gonna get
makeovers at that spa--
136
00:04:54,534 --> 00:04:55,667
- makeovers.
137
00:04:55,734 --> 00:04:57,734
they sure have us programmed,
right?
138
00:04:57,801 --> 00:04:59,900
[robotic voice]
i am a female pleasure unit.
139
00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:02,567
i require a new
coat of paint.
140
00:05:02,634 --> 00:05:04,601
- just something
i thought might be fun.
141
00:05:04,667 --> 00:05:06,267
- here's something i think
might be fun.
142
00:05:06,334 --> 00:05:08,100
let's find out the number
of makeup companies
143
00:05:08,167 --> 00:05:09,868
that are owned by women.
144
00:05:09,933 --> 00:05:12,134
i'll save you the trouble.
it's zero.
145
00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:14,768
but of course you're saying,
"britta, aren't you a hypocrite?
146
00:05:14,834 --> 00:05:17,134
"you're plastered with glitter
and goo from head to toe,
147
00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:18,768
just like the rest of us."
148
00:05:18,834 --> 00:05:21,634
well, i also pay income tax
and pull over for cops,
149
00:05:21,701 --> 00:05:23,134
but that doesn't mean
i support--
150
00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:26,200
[hand dryer whirs loudly]
151
00:05:26,267 --> 00:05:28,701
- thanks for offering to help
design the new mascot.
152
00:05:28,768 --> 00:05:30,534
i, uh, have been
a little stumped.
153
00:05:30,601 --> 00:05:32,200
- that's no problem.
154
00:05:32,267 --> 00:05:33,501
by the way,
i took the liberty
155
00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:35,467
of thumbnailing
a human being prototype
156
00:05:35,534 --> 00:05:39,200
which i modeled after da vinci's
vitruvian man.
157
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:42,534
- the penis is a little
small, i think.
158
00:05:42,601 --> 00:05:44,167
- oh, i think it's--
oh. okay.
159
00:05:44,234 --> 00:05:45,933
it...looks a lot like you.
160
00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,634
um, here's the thing.
161
00:05:47,701 --> 00:05:50,167
if we are the human beings,
you know,
162
00:05:50,234 --> 00:05:52,601
and we have a mascot
that's just a white guy,
163
00:05:52,667 --> 00:05:54,834
what message are we sending?
164
00:05:54,900 --> 00:05:57,200
our symbol needs to reflect
the diversity of our school
165
00:05:57,267 --> 00:05:58,868
and our species.
166
00:05:58,933 --> 00:06:00,634
- so...black?
167
00:06:00,701 --> 00:06:02,967
- no. no, because we're not
the greendale blacks,
168
00:06:03,033 --> 00:06:04,534
mr. hawthorne,
or the greendale asians
169
00:06:04,601 --> 00:06:06,167
or any other creed.
170
00:06:06,234 --> 00:06:08,267
we are the greendale
human beings.
171
00:06:08,334 --> 00:06:10,000
[knock on door]
yeah.
172
00:06:10,067 --> 00:06:11,768
- sorry to disturb you guys...
173
00:06:11,834 --> 00:06:14,100
who are clearly looking
at a naked drawing
174
00:06:14,167 --> 00:06:16,234
of pierce
doing jumping jacks.
175
00:06:16,300 --> 00:06:18,367
dean, a quick download, please?
- uh, absolutely.
176
00:06:18,434 --> 00:06:21,801
excuse me.
- okay. fill me in later.
177
00:06:21,868 --> 00:06:24,100
ah.
178
00:06:24,167 --> 00:06:25,967
whoa-oh.
179
00:06:26,033 --> 00:06:28,300
i'll go with a pencil.
180
00:06:28,367 --> 00:06:30,033
- first of all...
- mm-hmm.
181
00:06:30,100 --> 00:06:31,534
- i'm flattered.
- oh, well.
182
00:06:31,601 --> 00:06:32,967
you're a very photogenic man.
183
00:06:33,033 --> 00:06:35,067
is that real bed head, or do you
put something in there?
184
00:06:35,134 --> 00:06:37,000
can i?
oh, it's crispy.
185
00:06:37,067 --> 00:06:39,134
- i was thinking about the four
disembodied heads,
186
00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:40,401
and i thought,
where's the heart?
187
00:06:40,467 --> 00:06:41,801
where's the soul?
188
00:06:41,868 --> 00:06:44,334
where's the different
poster design?
189
00:06:44,401 --> 00:06:46,334
- you know, i did think
those were less than personable,
190
00:06:46,401 --> 00:06:49,167
which is why i went with
the full bodies
191
00:06:49,234 --> 00:06:50,967
in these mailers
we have going out.
192
00:06:52,567 --> 00:06:55,701
- mailers? i didn't give
permission for this.
193
00:06:55,768 --> 00:06:58,033
- jeffrey, did you not read
the release agreement
194
00:06:58,100 --> 00:06:59,401
on the back
of your registration form?
195
00:07:01,100 --> 00:07:03,567
i'm starting to see why
someone used to be a lawyer.
196
00:07:03,634 --> 00:07:04,900
ha ha! up top!
197
00:07:04,967 --> 00:07:07,200
- if someone from the outside
were to find--
198
00:07:07,267 --> 00:07:09,667
okay, if someone from
the outside were to find out
199
00:07:09,734 --> 00:07:12,134
that i am a student
at a community college,
200
00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:15,334
that could have a negative
impact on my future career.
201
00:07:15,401 --> 00:07:18,834
- oh. goodness.
202
00:07:18,900 --> 00:07:20,467
look what we have
stumbled onto--
203
00:07:20,534 --> 00:07:22,900
an opportunity
to help each other out.
204
00:07:22,967 --> 00:07:26,033
i suppose i wouldn't need
this promotional campaign
205
00:07:26,100 --> 00:07:27,434
if i could announce
to the press
206
00:07:27,501 --> 00:07:29,367
that troy barnes
is playing football here.
207
00:07:29,434 --> 00:07:31,033
- i think he's been
pretty clear
208
00:07:31,100 --> 00:07:32,734
about declining that offer.
209
00:07:32,801 --> 00:07:34,734
- i think if you said, "jump,"
he'd say, "how high?"
210
00:07:34,801 --> 00:07:36,933
if you said, "stop,"
he'd say, "hammertime."
211
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:38,467
you starting to get
what i mean?
212
00:07:38,534 --> 00:07:41,000
- no. i need another example.
213
00:07:41,067 --> 00:07:43,067
- you know, i didn't...
realize before,
214
00:07:43,134 --> 00:07:45,634
but we should send those out
to local businesses.
215
00:07:45,701 --> 00:07:47,300
hmm?
216
00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:49,200
law firms.
217
00:07:49,267 --> 00:07:51,267
lawyer...
218
00:07:51,334 --> 00:07:54,000
companies?
219
00:07:54,067 --> 00:07:56,734
legal...
220
00:07:56,801 --> 00:07:58,401
gatherings?
221
00:07:58,467 --> 00:07:59,300
- are you trying to
blackmail me?
222
00:07:59,367 --> 00:08:00,300
- i think so.
223
00:08:00,367 --> 00:08:01,967
- gentlemen...
224
00:08:02,033 --> 00:08:05,701
i present to you
the greendale human being.
225
00:08:05,768 --> 00:08:08,933
- that's a falcon with a gun.
226
00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:10,401
now it's a falcon
with an erection.
227
00:09:04,768 --> 00:09:07,900
man, that backcountry today
was epic!
228
00:09:07,900 --> 00:09:09,534
well worth
the jellybeaning.
229
00:09:09,534 --> 00:09:11,534
blue bird day
to shred some pow.
230
00:09:11,534 --> 00:09:14,834
you remember that freshie pillow
line that we barged?
231
00:09:14,834 --> 00:09:16,534
i thought i was gonna squirrel
out for sure!
232
00:09:16,534 --> 00:09:18,534
you were squirrelly
all over the place.
233
00:09:18,534 --> 00:09:21,300
plus, you didn't even see
my switch back side rodeo.
234
00:09:21,300 --> 00:09:23,967
chill out knuckle dragger,
it's not all about you.
235
00:09:34,701 --> 00:09:38,467
the dome arrives later.
it comes with thunder.
236
00:09:38,534 --> 00:09:40,900
let me tell you a little
secret about me, troy.
237
00:09:40,967 --> 00:09:42,601
every day
on my way to school,
238
00:09:42,667 --> 00:09:45,334
i drive through downtown
past the courthouse
239
00:09:45,401 --> 00:09:48,100
just to get a glimpse
of the world that i once ruled.
240
00:09:48,167 --> 00:09:50,434
and i just wanna jump
out of my car,
241
00:09:50,501 --> 00:09:51,900
run up the steps and...
242
00:09:51,967 --> 00:09:53,667
exploit the legal system
for profit.
243
00:09:53,734 --> 00:09:54,900
but i can't.
244
00:09:54,967 --> 00:09:57,067
i'm locked out of
my old kingdom.
245
00:09:57,134 --> 00:09:59,601
you're not.
you see what i'm saying?
246
00:09:59,667 --> 00:10:02,067
- you're saying
i could be a lawyer.
247
00:10:02,134 --> 00:10:03,900
- i'm saying
you're a football player!
248
00:10:03,967 --> 00:10:05,567
it's in your blood!
- that's racist!
249
00:10:05,634 --> 00:10:07,134
- your soul.
- that's racist.
250
00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:08,401
- your eyes?
- that's gay?
251
00:10:08,467 --> 00:10:09,967
- that's homophobic.
- that's black.
252
00:10:10,033 --> 00:10:11,734
- that's racist!
- damn.
253
00:10:11,801 --> 00:10:13,933
- when you played,
you were a god.
254
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:15,967
now you're not playing,
and you're not.
255
00:10:16,033 --> 00:10:18,300
i'd tell you to do the math,
but math isn't important.
256
00:10:18,367 --> 00:10:20,401
the only thing that's important
is this.
257
00:10:20,467 --> 00:10:22,100
- yeah, but annie said--
258
00:10:22,167 --> 00:10:24,200
- annie said that
benjamin button was compelling.
259
00:10:24,267 --> 00:10:26,501
look, she's a smart girl,
but sometimes she's just wrong.
260
00:10:26,567 --> 00:10:28,300
85--go long!
261
00:10:28,367 --> 00:10:30,367
it's like a drug, isn't it?
262
00:10:30,434 --> 00:10:33,868
feel it, troy.
throw it!
263
00:10:33,933 --> 00:10:35,367
the scoreboard lights up.
264
00:10:35,434 --> 00:10:37,134
there will be a scoreboard
there.
265
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,734
it's complete!
nice catch!
266
00:10:39,801 --> 00:10:43,200
the girls, the glory,
the scouts, the career!
267
00:10:43,267 --> 00:10:45,868
it starts
when you join this team.
268
00:10:45,933 --> 00:10:47,567
- is that linebacker
a pregnant woman?
269
00:10:47,634 --> 00:10:49,033
- look,
you can meet them later.
270
00:10:49,100 --> 00:10:52,000
but this decision
has to be yours, t-bone.
271
00:10:52,067 --> 00:10:54,667
and this decision
has to be yes.
272
00:10:54,734 --> 00:10:56,267
- how did you know
my nickname's t-bone?
273
00:10:56,334 --> 00:10:58,134
- because you're
a football player,
274
00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:01,567
and your name
begins with "t."
275
00:11:01,634 --> 00:11:04,334
your name...begins...
276
00:11:04,401 --> 00:11:06,701
with "t."
277
00:11:09,768 --> 00:11:11,834
- britta?
278
00:11:11,900 --> 00:11:13,967
- oh. are you finished?
279
00:11:14,033 --> 00:11:15,601
i mean, i have to go,
280
00:11:15,667 --> 00:11:17,768
but apparently,
i failed yesterday's tryouts
281
00:11:17,834 --> 00:11:20,000
for the position
of bathroom companion.
282
00:11:20,067 --> 00:11:21,900
- oh, britta, i wasn't trying
to hurt your feelings.
283
00:11:21,967 --> 00:11:24,267
- you didn't hurt
my feelings, shirley.
284
00:11:24,334 --> 00:11:26,434
i don't need to go to
the bathroom with other people.
285
00:11:26,501 --> 00:11:28,601
i was just trying to throw you
a bone because i like you.
286
00:11:28,667 --> 00:11:31,167
- oh. you can keep that bone.
287
00:11:31,234 --> 00:11:33,300
listening to a story about
a stranger pissing me off
288
00:11:33,367 --> 00:11:34,701
and taking
the stranger's side?
289
00:11:34,768 --> 00:11:36,534
and then you can't talk
about your own business,
290
00:11:36,601 --> 00:11:38,134
but you insinuate
my mama's a robot
291
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:39,801
because she and i
want makeovers.
292
00:11:39,868 --> 00:11:41,434
that is the ladies' room,
britta,
293
00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:43,868
a place where ladies
go to share, listen,
294
00:11:43,933 --> 00:11:47,234
support each other and...
discreetly eliminate waste.
295
00:11:47,300 --> 00:11:48,601
and i like you too.
296
00:11:48,667 --> 00:11:50,734
even like that
you're a little hard.
297
00:11:50,801 --> 00:11:53,367
but if you can't learn
to be soft in there,
298
00:11:53,434 --> 00:11:57,033
you need to pee alone.
299
00:11:57,100 --> 00:12:01,634
- i've peed alone
my whole life.
300
00:12:01,701 --> 00:12:04,200
women have always hated me.
301
00:12:04,267 --> 00:12:06,167
i don't even know
how it started.
302
00:12:06,234 --> 00:12:08,567
maybe it was when i got boobs
before everyb--
303
00:12:08,634 --> 00:12:10,868
- shh, shh, shh.
304
00:12:10,933 --> 00:12:13,234
not out here.
305
00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:15,768
in there.
306
00:12:15,834 --> 00:12:16,900
- whoo!
307
00:12:16,967 --> 00:12:18,634
ha ha!
troy, troy, the wonder boy!
308
00:12:18,701 --> 00:12:21,434
you dropped your books,
poindexter. yeah!
309
00:12:21,501 --> 00:12:23,967
- troy, i've been waiting
for an hour.
310
00:12:24,033 --> 00:12:27,267
- it's all right, i'm worth it.
* hip, hop, body don't stop *
311
00:12:33,300 --> 00:12:34,567
- troy.
312
00:12:34,634 --> 00:12:36,634
why are you doing
a politically conservative
313
00:12:36,701 --> 00:12:38,634
high school shamefully
outdated fight rap?
314
00:12:38,701 --> 00:12:40,701
have you been playing
football?
315
00:12:40,768 --> 00:12:42,134
- threw the skin around
a couple of times.
316
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:43,300
still got it.
317
00:12:43,367 --> 00:12:44,300
eh...eh...eh...eh...
318
00:12:44,367 --> 00:12:45,734
doosh!
319
00:12:45,801 --> 00:12:48,868
- but you knew we had
an astronomy test tomorrow.
320
00:12:48,933 --> 00:12:50,267
- class blows.
321
00:12:50,334 --> 00:12:51,768
what i need to know
about the universe
322
00:12:51,834 --> 00:12:54,000
is that i'm at the center
of it.
323
00:12:58,601 --> 00:13:01,100
- troy! stop!
324
00:13:01,167 --> 00:13:02,868
don't become
this person again.
325
00:13:02,933 --> 00:13:04,501
this isn't the real you.
326
00:13:04,567 --> 00:13:06,501
this is the arrogant jock
327
00:13:06,567 --> 00:13:08,967
that totally ignored the only
people that truly liked him
328
00:13:09,033 --> 00:13:10,200
for non-superficial reasons
329
00:13:10,267 --> 00:13:11,501
but weren't allowed
to say anything
330
00:13:11,567 --> 00:13:13,701
because their parents
are bigots!
331
00:13:15,567 --> 00:13:19,634
- football is bad for you,
troy.
332
00:13:19,701 --> 00:13:21,334
- jeff said you'd say that.
333
00:13:21,401 --> 00:13:24,100
- jeff...what now?
334
00:13:24,167 --> 00:13:26,367
- troy!
troy, troy, troy.
335
00:13:26,434 --> 00:13:28,267
that's my name.
336
00:13:28,334 --> 00:13:32,134
- i think if we add in
a little bit of phylicia rashad
337
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:33,567
we'll be in better shape.
- yeah, you're right.
338
00:13:33,634 --> 00:13:34,834
that beige is a little light.
339
00:13:37,267 --> 00:13:38,267
wow.
340
00:13:38,334 --> 00:13:39,701
- yeah. yeah.
341
00:13:39,768 --> 00:13:42,334
we are developing
the perfect mascot.
342
00:13:42,401 --> 00:13:46,234
no stereotypical identifiers
from any race or gender.
343
00:13:46,300 --> 00:13:48,300
- see, jeff, this is
a chart of the features
344
00:13:48,367 --> 00:13:50,601
we're staying away from--
pan-asian eye folds,
345
00:13:50,667 --> 00:13:53,334
irish chins,
women's breasts.
346
00:13:53,401 --> 00:13:56,634
- is that seal?
- that is our human color wheel.
347
00:13:56,701 --> 00:13:59,200
it goes from seal
to seal's teeth.
348
00:13:59,267 --> 00:14:00,967
- what do you think?
349
00:14:01,033 --> 00:14:03,467
- i think not being racist
is the new racism.
350
00:14:03,534 --> 00:14:06,134
- whoa, whoa, whoa--
what happened to the prototype?
351
00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:09,300
- ooh! i left the nose
in the kiln.
352
00:14:09,367 --> 00:14:12,234
- so...troy is gonna
play football.
353
00:14:12,300 --> 00:14:13,701
- yes!
354
00:14:13,768 --> 00:14:15,367
- which means i'll be getting
rid of these.
355
00:14:15,434 --> 00:14:18,167
- no. i won't mail these out,
but they are staying with me
356
00:14:18,234 --> 00:14:20,701
until the press announces
that troy is a part of the team.
357
00:14:20,768 --> 00:14:22,467
and i want him
at that pep rally tonight.
358
00:14:22,534 --> 00:14:24,401
reporters are gonna be there.
359
00:14:24,467 --> 00:14:27,067
we're gonna unveil
the new mascot.
360
00:14:27,134 --> 00:14:29,734
and things are finally going
to start turning around.
361
00:14:29,801 --> 00:14:32,367
oh, and...my ex-therapist
362
00:14:32,434 --> 00:14:35,667
is gonna think twice
before he makes fun of my job!
363
00:14:35,734 --> 00:14:37,067
- here it is.
still hot.
364
00:14:37,134 --> 00:14:38,734
- ooh. ow.
365
00:14:38,801 --> 00:14:40,434
- oh, dean, i'm gonna get
some more coffee.
366
00:14:40,501 --> 00:14:41,933
you want anything?
- oh, yeah, a desmond tutu
367
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:43,801
with just enough cream to
make it a lou diamond phillips.
368
00:14:43,868 --> 00:14:45,634
- la bamba.
got it.
369
00:14:52,467 --> 00:14:53,967
i've been following you.
370
00:14:54,033 --> 00:14:55,868
how much did the dean pay you
to make troy play football?
371
00:14:55,933 --> 00:14:57,100
- i'm not having a conversation
with someone
372
00:14:57,167 --> 00:14:58,100
who emerges from a bush.
373
00:14:58,167 --> 00:14:59,634
- because i'm right?
374
00:14:59,701 --> 00:15:01,834
- no. because i'm not in a
commercial for breakfast cereal.
375
00:15:01,900 --> 00:15:05,501
look...the dean has pictures
of me, okay?
376
00:15:05,567 --> 00:15:07,501
horrible pictures of me...
377
00:15:07,567 --> 00:15:09,734
attending his school.
378
00:15:09,801 --> 00:15:11,634
- and for that
you'd convince troy
379
00:15:11,701 --> 00:15:13,834
to flush his life down
football's toilet again?
380
00:15:13,900 --> 00:15:16,300
britta's right, you are the most
selfish person alive!
381
00:15:16,367 --> 00:15:18,501
and all that
is gonna end right now.
382
00:15:18,567 --> 00:15:20,567
because i'm telling him what
kind of friend you really are.
383
00:15:20,634 --> 00:15:21,900
- maybe you should tell him
384
00:15:21,967 --> 00:15:24,367
you're hopelessly in love
with him.
385
00:15:24,434 --> 00:15:25,933
high school
must have been tough, huh?
386
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:28,100
waiting for a superstar
to notice you.
387
00:15:28,167 --> 00:15:30,734
but here...here...
he's all alone,
388
00:15:30,801 --> 00:15:33,000
and he needs so much help!
389
00:15:33,067 --> 00:15:34,801
did you enroll
in all of his classes,
390
00:15:34,868 --> 00:15:37,267
or were you worried
that might freak him out?
391
00:15:37,334 --> 00:15:39,334
the important thing is that
you are there for him.
392
00:15:39,401 --> 00:15:42,634
the important thing is that you
are the only one there for him.
393
00:15:42,701 --> 00:15:44,401
and you don't really care
what he wants...
394
00:15:44,467 --> 00:15:45,667
just as long
as you don't have to
395
00:15:45,734 --> 00:15:47,534
share him with
the rest of the world.
396
00:15:47,601 --> 00:15:50,967
because, really, you are
just as selfish as i am.
397
00:15:51,033 --> 00:15:54,200
you're just not
as good at it yet.
398
00:15:54,267 --> 00:15:56,434
- you're right.
399
00:15:56,501 --> 00:15:58,734
i could never be
as good as you.
400
00:15:58,801 --> 00:16:00,801
probably because
i actually care.
401
00:16:00,868 --> 00:16:04,834
- profound, but technically
meaningless.
402
00:16:04,933 --> 00:16:07,300
and don't bother trying
that thing that women do
403
00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:10,167
where they walk away and make
the guy feel like crap,
404
00:16:10,234 --> 00:16:12,067
because it won't happen!
405
00:16:12,134 --> 00:16:14,100
yeah!
406
00:16:15,900 --> 00:16:18,401
damn it.
407
00:16:20,701 --> 00:16:23,334
- shirley, will you please come
to the bathroom with me?
408
00:16:31,067 --> 00:16:32,534
where's shirley?
409
00:16:32,601 --> 00:16:34,267
- shirley's not coming.
410
00:16:34,334 --> 00:16:35,900
but i'm here...
411
00:16:35,967 --> 00:16:40,634
to listen...girl.
412
00:16:40,701 --> 00:16:43,534
- why do we inflict
so much pain on ourselves
413
00:16:43,601 --> 00:16:45,601
for men?
- i don't--
414
00:16:45,667 --> 00:16:47,734
know...sweetie.
415
00:16:47,801 --> 00:16:53,467
maybe...it's because men
make the world go round?
416
00:16:53,534 --> 00:16:56,200
kleenex?
417
00:16:59,933 --> 00:17:01,701
i've been...
418
00:17:01,768 --> 00:17:03,534
infatuated with troy.
419
00:17:03,601 --> 00:17:05,900
now he's joining football.
420
00:17:05,967 --> 00:17:09,401
now he'll have
his pick of the litter and...
421
00:17:09,467 --> 00:17:11,634
i'll never get
to be with him! [sobbing]
422
00:17:11,701 --> 00:17:13,734
- oh, annie, screw him!
423
00:17:13,801 --> 00:17:17,000
there are guys out there
that would kill to be with you.
424
00:17:17,067 --> 00:17:18,367
and if troy
isn't one of them,
425
00:17:18,434 --> 00:17:20,033
that's him failing
your standards.
426
00:17:20,100 --> 00:17:22,701
you got that?
427
00:17:22,768 --> 00:17:24,367
- you're right.
428
00:17:24,434 --> 00:17:25,967
i can't control him.
429
00:17:26,033 --> 00:17:27,900
and if i truly cared
about him,
430
00:17:27,967 --> 00:17:32,734
i wouldn't want to.
431
00:17:32,801 --> 00:17:34,667
thanks for talking to me,
britta.
432
00:17:34,734 --> 00:17:37,267
it really helped.
- seriously?
433
00:17:37,334 --> 00:17:40,467
- yes.
- who's my girl?
434
00:17:42,567 --> 00:17:45,134
'scuse me!
- i did it, i did it!
435
00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:47,601
- oh, yes, you did!
436
00:17:54,501 --> 00:17:56,367
men chanting:
human beings, human beings!
437
00:17:56,434 --> 00:17:59,067
human beings,
human beings!
438
00:17:59,134 --> 00:18:01,467
- troy! troy!
439
00:18:01,534 --> 00:18:03,868
don't go in there, man.
- what?
440
00:18:03,933 --> 00:18:05,834
- you got the most you were
ever gonna get out of football
441
00:18:05,900 --> 00:18:07,134
in high school.
442
00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:08,933
a life of disillusionment
and depression
443
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:10,634
begins on the other side
of that door.
444
00:18:10,701 --> 00:18:13,334
- hey, man...is this your
first pep rally or something?
445
00:18:13,401 --> 00:18:15,067
- you told me
446
00:18:15,134 --> 00:18:18,334
football was the most important
thing in the world.
447
00:18:18,401 --> 00:18:20,801
- well, buckle up, troy.
i was exaggerating.
448
00:18:20,868 --> 00:18:22,900
it's kinda my gimmick.
let me tell you something--
449
00:18:22,967 --> 00:18:24,367
- no, let me tell you
something.
450
00:18:24,434 --> 00:18:26,667
you know that keg flip
that cost me my scholarship?
451
00:18:26,734 --> 00:18:28,601
- yeah.
452
00:18:28,667 --> 00:18:31,467
- i hurt myself on purpose.
- what?
453
00:18:31,534 --> 00:18:33,634
- there was a scout coming
to the final game at riverside
454
00:18:33,701 --> 00:18:35,834
and...i couldn't
take the pressure,
455
00:18:35,900 --> 00:18:37,634
so i took the easy way out.
456
00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:40,401
but when you showed me
that field,
457
00:18:40,467 --> 00:18:42,434
i saw there was nothing
to worry about here.
458
00:18:42,501 --> 00:18:43,834
i could just play football
for the fun of it.
459
00:18:43,900 --> 00:18:45,167
i mean,
have you seen these guys?
460
00:18:45,234 --> 00:18:47,067
there is nowhere
to go but up.
461
00:18:47,134 --> 00:18:49,000
- dude, we have feelings.
462
00:18:49,067 --> 00:18:51,868
- i don't know about you,
but i know i ended up here
463
00:18:51,967 --> 00:18:56,401
because things weren't
that great out there.
464
00:18:56,467 --> 00:18:58,401
you should try accepting
where you're at, man.
465
00:18:58,467 --> 00:19:02,967
take a pottery class
or something.
466
00:19:03,033 --> 00:19:04,601
greendale, we're number one!
467
00:19:04,667 --> 00:19:07,434
nancy pelosi is no fun!
468
00:19:11,801 --> 00:19:14,868
- hey.
- hey.
469
00:19:16,567 --> 00:19:19,200
i've decided
to support troy.
470
00:19:19,267 --> 00:19:21,134
they deploy things
in football, right?
471
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:22,534
i went for rhyme
over clarity.
472
00:19:22,601 --> 00:19:25,868
- look, i'm, uh...i'm really
sorry about before.
473
00:19:25,967 --> 00:19:27,701
i just think
we were both wrong.
474
00:19:27,768 --> 00:19:30,167
- really? because
i'm an 18-year-old girl,
475
00:19:30,234 --> 00:19:31,868
and you made me cry
in public.
476
00:19:31,933 --> 00:19:34,334
- mm. okay, maybe i was
a little more wrong.
477
00:19:34,401 --> 00:19:38,234
i should grow up
and make peace with being here.
478
00:19:38,300 --> 00:19:39,601
i mean, it's not like
479
00:19:39,667 --> 00:19:40,967
greendale's gonna kill me
or anything.
480
00:19:41,033 --> 00:19:42,667
- bluuulll...
- holy crap!
481
00:19:42,734 --> 00:19:44,434
- aah!
- oh, sorry.
482
00:19:44,501 --> 00:19:47,267
hey, say hello to our
ethnically neutral mascot--
483
00:19:47,334 --> 00:19:49,768
the greendale human being.
484
00:19:49,834 --> 00:19:52,100
the costume makes it
difficult for him to see.
485
00:19:53,801 --> 00:19:55,501
- he can't move his mouth
either.
486
00:19:55,567 --> 00:19:58,300
but take it from me,
that's human for "hello."
487
00:19:58,367 --> 00:20:00,534
[yelling] let's get you
into the pep rally!
488
00:20:00,601 --> 00:20:03,567
- great idea.
let's do it!
489
00:20:03,634 --> 00:20:05,100
we've solved racism.
what's next?
490
00:20:05,167 --> 00:20:07,300
- uh, let's do something
for little people.
491
00:20:07,367 --> 00:20:09,634
ooh! or albinos!
- little albinos.
492
00:20:09,701 --> 00:20:11,200
- this has the potential
493
00:20:11,267 --> 00:20:13,601
to be a uniquely
greendale experience.
494
00:20:13,667 --> 00:20:16,200
milady.
495
00:20:16,267 --> 00:20:18,401
- milord.
496
00:20:18,402 --> 00:20:29,753
Sync by YesCool
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