1
00:00:00,534 --> 00:00:01,634
So then the guy says
to the housekeeper,
2
00:00:01,701 --> 00:00:03,400
"Make sure she's dead."
3
00:00:03,467 --> 00:00:04,901
Stop me if you heard this one before.
4
00:00:04,968 --> 00:00:07,267
Would have been nice to have
that option 27 minutes ago.
5
00:00:07,334 --> 00:00:09,067
The housekeeper says to the guy,
6
00:00:09,133 --> 00:00:11,200
"We don't have a pool."
7
00:00:13,067 --> 00:00:14,334
And the guy says...
8
00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:15,467
Good morning, Greendale!
9
00:00:15,534 --> 00:00:16,567
Just a reminder,
10
00:00:16,634 --> 00:00:17,668
our debate team will bring home
11
00:00:17,733 --> 00:00:19,134
the championship tomorrow
versus "City College".
12
00:00:19,201 --> 00:00:21,067
Go, "Human Beings"!
13
00:00:21,134 --> 00:00:24,334
Great. Now I got to start
the whole joke over again.
14
00:00:24,401 --> 00:00:26,067
- Okay, so this guy...
- No!
15
00:00:26,134 --> 00:00:27,499
I've got one for you.
16
00:00:27,500 --> 00:00:29,592
A doddering old fool
17
00:00:29,734 --> 00:00:31,734
walks into a bar, tells a stupid joke,
18
00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:35,001
and I crush his windpipe
with my three-ring binder.
19
00:00:35,067 --> 00:00:37,267
I don't get it.
20
00:00:37,334 --> 00:00:38,267
Britta's trying to give up cigarettes.
21
00:00:38,334 --> 00:00:39,500
Don't tell them my business.
22
00:00:39,567 --> 00:00:41,867
I will slap that smug look
23
00:00:41,934 --> 00:00:43,533
right off your pointy face.
24
00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:45,567
Britta, I'm saying this
25
00:00:45,633 --> 00:00:47,067
because I care about you
26
00:00:47,134 --> 00:00:48,767
and you're my friend.
27
00:00:48,834 --> 00:00:50,234
You need to start smoking again.
28
00:00:50,301 --> 00:00:51,834
- I really think you should.
- Absolutely.
29
00:00:51,900 --> 00:00:52,934
They say it makes you lose weight,
and your skin looks
30
00:00:53,001 --> 00:00:54,368
really great when you do smoke.
31
00:00:54,434 --> 00:00:56,267
Guys, I really appreciate your support,
32
00:00:56,334 --> 00:00:57,734
but I've got to quit this time.
33
00:00:57,800 --> 00:00:59,633
Have you thought about hypnotherapy?
34
00:00:59,700 --> 00:01:01,167
I know a dynamite hypnotherapist.
35
00:01:01,234 --> 00:01:02,234
Ten-to-one says it's him.
36
00:01:02,301 --> 00:01:03,700
His name is Pierce Hawthorne.
37
00:01:03,767 --> 00:01:05,767
And I'm very effective.
38
00:01:05,834 --> 00:01:07,533
Can you help me block out
people's voices
39
00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:08,667
I find extremely annoying?
40
00:01:09,734 --> 00:01:11,468
Jeff, she's right there.
41
00:01:11,533 --> 00:01:15,301
Pierce, I would be
grateful for your help.
42
00:01:15,368 --> 00:01:18,201
You would? Super. I'll set it up.
43
00:01:18,267 --> 00:01:19,834
What? I feel bad for him.
44
00:01:19,900 --> 00:01:21,401
Plus, I just yelled at him.
45
00:01:21,468 --> 00:01:22,667
You yelled at me too.
46
00:01:22,734 --> 00:01:24,834
Oh, did I hurt your feelings,
pointy face?
47
00:01:24,900 --> 00:01:26,767
Wow. Wow.
48
00:01:26,834 --> 00:01:29,767
Have you seen the film
"Department's web site"?
49
00:01:29,834 --> 00:01:32,234
What do you think?
50
00:01:32,301 --> 00:01:34,468
All of Abed's films are about us.
51
00:01:34,533 --> 00:01:36,301
- What?
- Check it out.
52
00:01:38,034 --> 00:01:39,201
What else is new?
53
00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:41,500
- Jeff.
- Hola.
54
00:01:41,567 --> 00:01:44,600
Jeff, stop being so relaxed.
We need to talk to you about...
55
00:01:44,667 --> 00:01:46,134
We know you're living out of your car.
56
00:01:46,201 --> 00:01:47,267
Why, on Lord's good Earth,
57
00:01:47,334 --> 00:01:48,600
are you living out of your car, boy?
58
00:01:48,667 --> 00:01:50,034
Those people look just like us.
59
00:01:50,101 --> 00:01:51,700
- That's eerie.
- Fine, it's true.
60
00:01:51,767 --> 00:01:53,867
I'm living out of my car.
61
00:01:53,934 --> 00:01:56,934
And I don't want anyone's help.
62
00:01:57,001 --> 00:01:59,067
We had almost that exact
conversation last week.
63
00:01:59,134 --> 00:02:02,734
Yeah, but Abed posted
this video two weeks ago.
64
00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:07,368
That boy's a soothsayer.
65
00:02:07,434 --> 00:02:08,800
This is wrinkling my brain.
66
00:02:08,867 --> 00:02:10,533
This is wrinkling my brain.
67
00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:12,301
That's wrinkling my brain.
68
00:02:12,368 --> 00:02:14,101
Get a load of these wrinkles.
69
00:02:14,167 --> 00:02:15,401
Who's that old guy?
70
00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:17,334
Hi, I'm Pierce Hawthorne.
71
00:02:17,401 --> 00:02:18,700
Oh, come on!
72
00:02:18,767 --> 00:02:24,734
Sync by honeybunny - Corrected by 4be1
www.addic7ed.com
73
00:02:24,767 --> 00:02:26,134
There he is.
74
00:02:26,201 --> 00:02:28,034
Oh, Mr. Winger...
75
00:02:28,101 --> 00:02:29,468
Mr. Winger, did you happen to hear
76
00:02:29,533 --> 00:02:30,700
- my announcement this morning?
- I hang on every word.
77
00:02:30,767 --> 00:02:32,001
I'm gonna assume that's sarcasm.
78
00:02:32,067 --> 00:02:33,201
Correct.
79
00:02:33,267 --> 00:02:34,368
So you didn't hear my announcement?
80
00:02:34,434 --> 00:02:35,234
- I'm barely listening now.
- Oh.
81
00:02:35,301 --> 00:02:37,368
My debate partner dropped out,
82
00:02:37,434 --> 00:02:39,201
and we need you to fill in for him
at the championship tonight.
83
00:02:39,267 --> 00:02:40,500
Jeffrey, as debate coach,
84
00:02:40,567 --> 00:02:42,600
I am offering you an opportunity
85
00:02:42,667 --> 00:02:45,167
to spend the night drinking
from the cup of life
86
00:02:45,234 --> 00:02:46,500
rather than romancing
your nether regions
87
00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:47,500
in front of the E! channel.
88
00:02:47,567 --> 00:02:48,900
Come on, Jeff.
89
00:02:48,967 --> 00:02:50,834
I mean, who better than a former lawyer
90
00:02:50,900 --> 00:02:53,067
to really stick it to
those "City College" snobs
91
00:02:53,134 --> 00:02:55,533
and their star debater Simmons?
92
00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:57,134
Mm, pass.
93
00:02:57,201 --> 00:02:59,101
Okay. No, no.
94
00:02:59,167 --> 00:03:01,334
Okay, wait. Wait. Okay, no, no. Look.
95
00:03:01,401 --> 00:03:03,001
Listen, jerkwad... I'm sorry.
96
00:03:03,067 --> 00:03:04,600
That got heated.
97
00:03:04,667 --> 00:03:06,500
Greendale needs a win.
98
00:03:06,567 --> 00:03:09,533
The best compliment
our sports program gets
99
00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:11,334
is that our basketball
team is really gay,
100
00:03:11,401 --> 00:03:13,500
so what's it gonna take?
101
00:03:13,567 --> 00:03:14,867
You know, a plum parking space,
102
00:03:14,934 --> 00:03:16,834
free meals,
103
00:03:16,900 --> 00:03:21,834
a night of companionship
if you know what I mean.
104
00:03:21,900 --> 00:03:24,633
I'll do it for the parking space.
105
00:03:24,700 --> 00:03:26,767
And if you promise not
to tell me what you mean.
106
00:03:26,834 --> 00:03:29,134
Okay.
107
00:03:29,201 --> 00:03:31,201
Pierce, thank you.
108
00:03:31,267 --> 00:03:32,567
I really appreciate you helping me out.
109
00:03:32,633 --> 00:03:34,401
And I appreciate the opportunity.
110
00:03:34,468 --> 00:03:36,001
You know, sometimes, I think
111
00:03:36,067 --> 00:03:37,034
people don't take me seriously.
112
00:03:37,101 --> 00:03:38,500
So what are you gonna do?
113
00:03:38,567 --> 00:03:40,800
Wave a pocket watch in front of my face
114
00:03:40,867 --> 00:03:42,934
and tell me I'm getting very sleepy?
115
00:03:44,468 --> 00:03:45,600
Just checking the time.
116
00:03:46,700 --> 00:03:48,267
Now close your eyes.
117
00:03:48,334 --> 00:03:50,633
Keep them closed at all times.
118
00:03:50,700 --> 00:03:54,967
And listen to the
soothing sound of my voice.
119
00:03:55,034 --> 00:03:57,468
The only word that will bring you out
120
00:03:57,533 --> 00:03:59,533
is "gorilla".
121
00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:02,267
Okay, now focus on the rhythm
122
00:04:02,334 --> 00:04:06,134
of your own breathing.
123
00:04:06,201 --> 00:04:07,533
And when you feel the desire
124
00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:08,633
to light up a cigarette,
125
00:04:08,700 --> 00:04:10,667
you will associate these urges
126
00:04:10,734 --> 00:04:12,067
with things in your
life that disgust you.
127
00:04:12,134 --> 00:04:13,800
Bad-tasting food.
128
00:04:13,867 --> 00:04:15,167
Sex with men.
129
00:04:15,234 --> 00:04:17,034
Wearing attractive clothing.
130
00:04:17,101 --> 00:04:19,867
And soon...
131
00:04:19,934 --> 00:04:22,700
Oh, God, I think I really hurt myself!
132
00:04:22,767 --> 00:04:24,368
Somebody help me.
133
00:04:24,434 --> 00:04:26,401
Oh, Britta, wake up!
134
00:04:26,468 --> 00:04:28,134
Why'd I put you under so well?
135
00:04:28,201 --> 00:04:31,533
Damn my talent.
136
00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:35,101
Topic for debate is "are
people inherently good or evil?"
137
00:04:35,167 --> 00:04:37,368
So when do you want to
get together to strategize?
138
00:04:37,434 --> 00:04:38,934
Annie, I was a lawyer.
139
00:04:39,001 --> 00:04:40,667
I was a debater for money.
140
00:04:40,734 --> 00:04:43,834
I think I can handle this.
141
00:04:43,900 --> 00:04:45,900
How was hypnotherapy?
142
00:04:45,967 --> 00:04:47,967
He fell down and screamed in pain
143
00:04:48,034 --> 00:04:49,401
while I laid there with my eyes closed
144
00:04:49,468 --> 00:04:51,067
to make him feel like
a good hypnotherapist.
145
00:04:51,134 --> 00:04:51,967
You realize this will never end.
146
00:04:52,034 --> 00:04:53,667
It's already done.
147
00:04:53,734 --> 00:04:55,500
He just wants one more session.
148
00:04:55,567 --> 00:04:58,167
- Wa-wa.
- Where's Abed?
149
00:04:58,234 --> 00:04:59,101
I need to talk to him about his films.
150
00:04:59,167 --> 00:05:00,700
That boy's flat out prescient.
151
00:05:00,767 --> 00:05:03,334
He can read our minds.
152
00:05:05,834 --> 00:05:06,934
I know what you're gonna say.
153
00:05:07,001 --> 00:05:07,900
You watched my movies on the website.
154
00:05:07,967 --> 00:05:08,700
- He's a witch!
- Get him!
155
00:05:08,767 --> 00:05:10,201
No, I'm not a witch.
156
00:05:10,267 --> 00:05:11,301
I'm a student of human character.
157
00:05:11,368 --> 00:05:12,600
I know you guys all so well
158
00:05:12,667 --> 00:05:15,301
I can predict your behavior.
Like Shirley.
159
00:05:15,368 --> 00:05:18,834
I know you're a sweet,
Christian, generous person.
160
00:05:18,900 --> 00:05:21,800
- Oh, that's nice.
- Oh, that's nice.
161
00:05:21,867 --> 00:05:23,567
I also know you have
thinly veiled rage issues.
162
00:05:23,633 --> 00:05:25,334
- Careful, boy.
- Oh.
163
00:05:25,401 --> 00:05:26,434
Here. Check this out.
164
00:05:26,533 --> 00:05:29,667
- May I?
- Yeah.
165
00:05:29,734 --> 00:05:30,967
Jeff's character acts
166
00:05:31,034 --> 00:05:32,301
like nothing around here affects him.
167
00:05:32,368 --> 00:05:33,500
But things bother him
more than he lets on.
168
00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:35,368
Hey, I'm top of the class.
169
00:05:35,434 --> 00:05:37,533
Gah!
170
00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:39,867
He's also very vain.
171
00:05:39,934 --> 00:05:41,867
Ridiculous.
172
00:05:41,934 --> 00:05:44,368
Oh.
173
00:05:44,434 --> 00:05:46,167
Why am I crying?
174
00:05:46,234 --> 00:05:48,934
What, I accidentally listen to
"Come sail away" by Styx again?
175
00:05:49,001 --> 00:05:49,900
You don't have to worry, Troy.
176
00:05:49,967 --> 00:05:50,900
It's just a movie.
177
00:05:50,967 --> 00:05:52,533
I can't predict the future.
178
00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:55,934
My leg. I hurt my leg. Aah!
179
00:05:56,001 --> 00:05:59,267
What up, happy people?
180
00:05:59,334 --> 00:06:01,500
You tell me my future
right now, you evil wizard!
181
00:06:01,567 --> 00:06:02,867
By the way, Jeff,
I think your shirt's trying
182
00:06:02,934 --> 00:06:04,600
to get out of your pants.
183
00:06:06,401 --> 00:06:10,900
As "Golding's Lord of the Flies"
demonstrates, man,
184
00:06:10,967 --> 00:06:12,500
when left to his own devices,
185
00:06:12,567 --> 00:06:18,533
will descend into chaos and evil.
186
00:06:22,267 --> 00:06:23,267
Whoo!
187
00:06:24,533 --> 00:06:27,334
And now, from "City College",
188
00:06:27,401 --> 00:06:28,867
Jeremy Simmons.
189
00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:45,001
There were 23,000...
190
00:06:45,067 --> 00:06:48,633
kidney donations in America last year.
191
00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:49,934
Man is good.
192
00:06:50,001 --> 00:06:52,633
The average life expectancy
193
00:06:52,700 --> 00:06:56,334
for a man in a community
194
00:06:56,401 --> 00:07:00,401
is 23 years longer than a man alone.
195
00:07:00,468 --> 00:07:01,934
Man is good.
196
00:07:02,001 --> 00:07:04,900
And just ten minutes ago,
197
00:07:04,967 --> 00:07:08,267
a bald, bespectacled man held the door
198
00:07:08,334 --> 00:07:10,600
for a man in a wheelchair.
199
00:07:10,667 --> 00:07:12,134
- Oh.
- Man is good.
200
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:14,867
Oh.
201
00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:16,401
I hate this guy.
202
00:07:16,468 --> 00:07:18,500
By the end of this debate,
203
00:07:18,567 --> 00:07:21,468
I will prove with facts
204
00:07:21,533 --> 00:07:26,834
and data that man is inherently good.
205
00:07:29,468 --> 00:07:32,301
Old trick for achieving
the proper competitive mindset,
206
00:07:32,368 --> 00:07:35,834
I always envision my
opponent having aggressive sex
207
00:07:35,900 --> 00:07:36,867
with my mother.
208
00:07:45,967 --> 00:07:48,067
This feels so formal.
209
00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:51,267
Let's just talk.
210
00:07:51,334 --> 00:07:52,401
People are evil.
211
00:07:52,468 --> 00:07:54,134
They can't help it.
212
00:07:54,201 --> 00:07:55,800
I didn't catch your name.
213
00:07:55,867 --> 00:07:58,401
It's Jean.
214
00:07:58,468 --> 00:07:59,800
Take Jean here.
215
00:07:59,867 --> 00:08:01,667
She spent a lot of time this morning
216
00:08:01,734 --> 00:08:04,700
making herself look so lovely.
217
00:08:04,767 --> 00:08:06,067
Tell me, Jean.
218
00:08:06,134 --> 00:08:07,234
How many people bothered to tell you
219
00:08:07,301 --> 00:08:08,368
how great you look today?
220
00:08:08,434 --> 00:08:09,468
None.
221
00:08:09,533 --> 00:08:11,267
Man is evil.
222
00:08:11,334 --> 00:08:13,034
But you just said how great I looked.
223
00:08:13,101 --> 00:08:16,267
For my own selfish purposes.
224
00:08:16,334 --> 00:08:18,500
The fact is, as hot as you look,
225
00:08:18,567 --> 00:08:21,533
and it is quite hot,
226
00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:23,934
I wouldn't have said anything.
227
00:08:24,001 --> 00:08:26,134
When I talk about people being evil,
228
00:08:26,201 --> 00:08:28,767
I could cite quotes
or dig up statistics,
229
00:08:28,834 --> 00:08:30,434
but those are just words and numbers.
230
00:08:30,500 --> 00:08:34,834
I think we could have a little more fun
231
00:08:34,900 --> 00:08:38,633
if I express myself in song.
232
00:08:38,700 --> 00:08:41,900
* Evil woman *
233
00:08:41,967 --> 00:08:42,900
* Ba na na na na *
234
00:08:42,967 --> 00:08:45,034
* Evil woman *
235
00:08:47,834 --> 00:08:49,468
That's my time, everybody.
236
00:08:49,533 --> 00:08:50,800
Thank you very much.
237
00:08:50,867 --> 00:08:53,734
Yeah!
238
00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:56,767
At the end of round one,
239
00:08:56,834 --> 00:09:01,067
City College: 50,
240
00:09:01,134 --> 00:09:03,934
Greendale: 8.
241
00:09:11,167 --> 00:09:13,800
- I only got 8?
- She got 8. You got 0.
242
00:09:13,867 --> 00:09:16,101
It's a debate. Not "American Idol".
243
00:09:19,167 --> 00:09:21,334
Nice work, LA Law.
244
00:09:21,401 --> 00:09:23,934
All sizzle, no steak.
245
00:09:24,001 --> 00:09:25,500
I don't care, dude.
246
00:09:25,567 --> 00:09:27,368
I'm doing this for a parking space.
247
00:09:27,434 --> 00:09:28,600
Let's go, boys. Come on, let's go.
248
00:09:28,667 --> 00:09:29,767
I want to see some hustlers out here.
249
00:09:29,834 --> 00:09:31,067
Let's go.
250
00:09:31,134 --> 00:09:34,001
By Zeus, what sort
of jackassery is this?
251
00:09:34,067 --> 00:09:35,967
We're in the middle of
a championship debate.
252
00:09:36,034 --> 00:09:37,500
We reserved the gym
253
00:09:37,567 --> 00:09:39,067
for practice.
254
00:09:39,134 --> 00:09:40,767
Uh, yep. They reserved it.
255
00:09:40,834 --> 00:09:43,134
Okay, they've got us by the short ones.
256
00:09:43,201 --> 00:09:45,734
The debate is suspended until tomorrow.
257
00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:48,700
Hopefully, by then,
we can get our act together.
258
00:09:50,368 --> 00:09:52,867
Oh, great try, Bruce! Great try.
259
00:09:54,501 --> 00:09:55,334
Jeff, wait, when are we getting together
260
00:09:55,401 --> 00:09:56,834
to prepare for tomorrow?
261
00:09:56,900 --> 00:09:58,067
Never, because it's stupid,
and I don't care.
262
00:09:58,134 --> 00:10:01,434
Bite me.
263
00:10:02,201 --> 00:10:03,633
Maybe Simmons is right.
264
00:10:03,700 --> 00:10:05,934
You really are all sizzle and no steak.
265
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:07,800
You probably couldn't
beat him if you tried.
266
00:10:07,867 --> 00:10:09,134
What do you mean I can't beat him?
267
00:10:09,201 --> 00:10:10,534
You and I are gonna study harder
268
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:11,867
than we've ever studied before
269
00:10:11,934 --> 00:10:13,367
and beat "City College" tomorrow.
270
00:10:13,434 --> 00:10:16,301
- Really?
- No, who am I, "iCarly"?
271
00:10:16,367 --> 00:10:17,967
Abed is right.
272
00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:20,167
You act like things
don't bother you, but they do.
273
00:10:20,234 --> 00:10:22,568
Look, six months ago, I was a lawyer.
274
00:10:22,633 --> 00:10:24,034
I wore suits.
275
00:10:24,101 --> 00:10:26,800
I used to say stuff like,
"objection" and "sidebar".
276
00:10:26,867 --> 00:10:29,134
Now I'm losing a
community college debate
277
00:10:29,201 --> 00:10:31,134
to Jeremy "soul patch" Simmons.
278
00:10:31,201 --> 00:10:33,967
Hey, Winger.
279
00:10:34,034 --> 00:10:35,600
You like to sing?
280
00:10:35,667 --> 00:10:38,234
I like to sing too.
281
00:10:38,301 --> 00:10:40,134
* Zero for Winger *
282
00:10:40,201 --> 00:10:41,800
* Ba na na na na na *
283
00:10:41,867 --> 00:10:43,134
Kick that.
284
00:10:43,201 --> 00:10:45,700
* Was a big shot lawyer *
285
00:10:45,767 --> 00:10:47,468
* Ba na na na na na na *
286
00:10:47,534 --> 00:10:53,334
* Now he's a loooooser *
287
00:10:53,401 --> 00:10:54,501
Lay off, Simmons.
288
00:10:54,568 --> 00:10:55,401
Jeff didn't understand the rules.
289
00:10:55,468 --> 00:10:58,034
Yeah?
290
00:10:58,101 --> 00:11:00,700
What's your excuse, "eight points"?
291
00:11:00,767 --> 00:11:01,767
Dude, leave her out of this.
292
00:11:01,834 --> 00:11:04,934
* Little Annie Adderall *
293
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:07,934
* Was an outcast in high school *
294
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,301
That's it. Dude, we are gonna debate
295
00:11:10,367 --> 00:11:12,367
the living crap out of you.
296
00:11:12,434 --> 00:11:15,334
We've got some preparing to do.
297
00:11:15,401 --> 00:11:17,167
I liked you better
when you were smoking.
298
00:11:17,234 --> 00:11:19,700
- I'm so sorry.
- No, you're right.
299
00:11:19,767 --> 00:11:21,267
My feet are long and stupid.
300
00:11:21,334 --> 00:11:23,201
You can't unring that bell.
301
00:11:23,267 --> 00:11:26,167
Oh, no.
302
00:11:26,234 --> 00:11:28,101
That's my newspaper.
303
00:11:28,167 --> 00:11:29,468
What do you need a paper for?
304
00:11:29,534 --> 00:11:30,967
You knew what was
gonna happen yesterday,
305
00:11:31,034 --> 00:11:32,301
you middle-eastern magic eight ball.
306
00:11:32,367 --> 00:11:33,700
Pierce hurt his leg,
307
00:11:33,767 --> 00:11:35,468
Britta made Troy cry.
308
00:11:35,534 --> 00:11:36,800
What's my destiny?
309
00:11:36,867 --> 00:11:37,733
Am I gonna die in a car?
310
00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:39,101
Is it gonna happen soon?
311
00:11:39,167 --> 00:11:40,134
Shirley, I have no psychic abilities.
312
00:11:40,201 --> 00:11:41,633
I'm just an entertainer.
313
00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:43,900
But if it'll make you feel any better,
314
00:11:43,967 --> 00:11:46,867
here, let me show you
what I'm working on.
315
00:11:52,167 --> 00:11:54,767
I'm sorry. Is that me being
chased down by a werewolf?
316
00:11:54,834 --> 00:11:57,301
Yeah. And that's how you'd
behave in that situation, no?
317
00:11:57,367 --> 00:11:59,867
The situation being me being
chased down by a werewolf.
318
00:11:59,934 --> 00:12:03,434
Mm-hmm.
319
00:12:05,700 --> 00:12:08,401
And that's Jeff locking lips with Annie.
320
00:12:08,468 --> 00:12:12,468
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- You're a fool.
321
00:12:12,534 --> 00:12:14,468
So, in the experiment,
Stanford students were divided
322
00:12:14,534 --> 00:12:15,733
into prisoners and guards.
323
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:17,733
- The guards immediately started...
- Uh!
324
00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:19,101
What's wrong?
325
00:12:19,167 --> 00:12:21,967
I have this weird pain
right above my eyebrow.
326
00:12:22,034 --> 00:12:23,234
It's called a stress headache.
327
00:12:23,301 --> 00:12:24,600
I got my first one when I was four.
328
00:12:24,667 --> 00:12:25,867
I hate it.
329
00:12:25,934 --> 00:12:27,301
Well, get used to it.
330
00:12:27,367 --> 00:12:28,834
You're knee-deep in it now, brother.
331
00:12:28,900 --> 00:12:29,867
This is debate.
332
00:12:29,934 --> 00:12:30,967
If you want to win,
333
00:12:31,034 --> 00:12:32,700
you need to prepare.
334
00:12:32,767 --> 00:12:35,401
Well, agreed, but if you want to win,
335
00:12:35,468 --> 00:12:37,568
you need to loosen up.
336
00:12:37,633 --> 00:12:40,334
Go off book, robot debater.
337
00:12:40,401 --> 00:12:43,700
Oh, my gosh.
338
00:12:43,767 --> 00:12:46,733
You're right.
339
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:50,633
Simmons is so good at
using his inherent magnetism
340
00:12:50,700 --> 00:12:53,034
to sell his points, and here I am,
341
00:12:53,101 --> 00:12:55,334
like a spinster librarian
with my hair pulled back.
342
00:12:55,401 --> 00:12:56,600
Yeah.
343
00:13:06,267 --> 00:13:08,633
- What do you think?
- Yeah.
344
00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:11,834
Thanks.
345
00:13:11,900 --> 00:13:16,067
Be careful. Abed thinks
you two are gonna kiss.
346
00:13:16,134 --> 00:13:17,767
Ridiculous.
347
00:13:17,834 --> 00:13:19,367
Us.
348
00:13:19,434 --> 00:13:20,600
Kissing.
349
00:13:20,667 --> 00:13:22,401
- That is ridiculous.
- Totally.
350
00:13:28,234 --> 00:13:29,067
We should get back to work.
351
00:13:29,134 --> 00:13:30,800
Yes. Um, okay.
352
00:13:30,867 --> 00:13:34,367
The people are inherently evil.
353
00:13:34,434 --> 00:13:37,267
Ooh, we can use this hobbes quote.
354
00:13:37,334 --> 00:13:39,534
"Man is a collection"
355
00:13:39,633 --> 00:13:40,633
"of base animal urges."
356
00:13:40,700 --> 00:13:43,534
"To act on them and experience"
357
00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:45,967
"sinful pleasure would
be morally no different"
358
00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:48,101
"than taking a breath."
359
00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:52,067
- That's poignant, right?
- Yeah.
360
00:13:52,134 --> 00:13:54,334
You know, maybe we should study alone.
361
00:13:54,401 --> 00:13:55,301
- Yeah.
- Separately.
362
00:13:55,367 --> 00:13:56,667
Aha.
363
00:13:56,733 --> 00:14:00,800
That way we can be more
reproductive... productive!
364
00:14:00,867 --> 00:14:03,700
- Bye.
- Bye.
365
00:14:07,334 --> 00:14:11,101
- Oh, you forgot your phone.
- Well, I can get another one.
366
00:14:11,167 --> 00:14:14,434
The next time you even see a cigarette,
367
00:14:14,501 --> 00:14:17,067
you will think of
things that disgust you.
368
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:25,767
And while you're under so deep,
369
00:14:25,834 --> 00:14:28,267
you'll find yourself attracted
370
00:14:28,334 --> 00:14:30,101
to slightly older men.
371
00:14:30,167 --> 00:14:32,834
Perhaps, some barrel-chested stud
372
00:14:32,900 --> 00:14:36,267
with just enough tummy to love.
373
00:14:36,334 --> 00:14:38,301
You'll want to buy him dinner,
374
00:14:38,367 --> 00:14:40,767
then go back to his hot tub.
375
00:14:40,834 --> 00:14:42,234
Perhaps, you'll invite
one of your friends
376
00:14:42,301 --> 00:14:43,600
to join us for a three-way.
377
00:14:43,667 --> 00:14:46,301
Maybe someone with low self-esteem
378
00:14:46,367 --> 00:14:48,934
and slightly larger breasts.
379
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:51,167
Go to hell, you disgusting pig.
380
00:14:51,234 --> 00:14:52,501
Aha!
381
00:14:52,568 --> 00:14:54,134
Pierce, I was awake the whole time.
382
00:14:54,201 --> 00:14:55,434
- I was faking it.
- I know.
383
00:14:55,501 --> 00:14:57,234
I saw you.
384
00:14:57,301 --> 00:14:58,534
What do you think I am,
some kind of a joke?
385
00:14:58,600 --> 00:14:59,934
No.
386
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,334
No, I was trying to make you
387
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:02,568
feel better about yourself.
388
00:15:02,633 --> 00:15:05,834
How dare you pity me?
389
00:15:05,900 --> 00:15:08,767
I may be a little older,
390
00:15:08,834 --> 00:15:10,401
my ideas may seem weird,
391
00:15:10,468 --> 00:15:12,900
and my fashion sense may cause envy.
392
00:15:12,967 --> 00:15:15,067
But I have a lot to offer.
393
00:15:15,134 --> 00:15:17,167
And I will not be pitied.
394
00:15:25,468 --> 00:15:27,368
Do not help me up.
395
00:15:29,134 --> 00:15:32,534
And as German poet
Franz Wickmeyer once wrote...
396
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:37,167
"Snow falls from the heavens pure."
397
00:15:39,634 --> 00:15:42,833
"We cannot blame the snow for being..."
398
00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:43,800
"soiled by the earth."
399
00:15:48,900 --> 00:15:50,933
Man is good.
400
00:15:55,734 --> 00:15:57,467
What? That dude gets it.
401
00:15:57,534 --> 00:16:00,334
Jeff Winger will now offer
a two minute rebuttal.
402
00:16:03,900 --> 00:16:05,434
Hey, sizzle.
403
00:16:05,501 --> 00:16:06,900
What are you gonna sing tonight?
404
00:16:06,967 --> 00:16:08,601
I'm in the mood for some sade.
405
00:16:13,867 --> 00:16:16,334
In the Stanford prison experiment,
406
00:16:16,401 --> 00:16:20,434
21 out of 21 students,
when given absolute power,
407
00:16:20,501 --> 00:16:23,334
abused and tortured
their fellow students.
408
00:16:23,401 --> 00:16:27,034
My competitor likens people
to pure, falling snow.
409
00:16:27,100 --> 00:16:31,167
I would respond,
"there is none righteous."
410
00:16:31,234 --> 00:16:32,768
"No, not one."
411
00:16:32,833 --> 00:16:35,000
Now I realize Mr. Simmons' quote
412
00:16:35,067 --> 00:16:38,000
was from the great Franz Wickmeyer.
413
00:16:38,067 --> 00:16:41,668
Mine was just from a
simple desert handyman
414
00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:42,833
named Jesus.
415
00:16:46,501 --> 00:16:49,200
Oh, that's nice!
416
00:16:49,267 --> 00:16:51,867
Survival of the fittest wires
an impulse to eliminate people
417
00:16:51,933 --> 00:16:53,401
- into our hearts.
- Counterpoint.
418
00:16:53,467 --> 00:16:55,601
Mother Teresa. Joan of Arc.
419
00:16:55,668 --> 00:16:57,401
- Rebuttal.
- Nuclear bombs.
420
00:16:57,467 --> 00:16:59,534
- Nuclear families.
- Abu Ghraib.
421
00:16:59,601 --> 00:17:00,668
Apu from the "Simpsons".
422
00:17:00,734 --> 00:17:01,900
Double rejoinder.
423
00:17:01,967 --> 00:17:03,734
- Telemarketers.
- Organ donors.
424
00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:05,200
- Hate crimes.
- Executions.
425
00:17:05,267 --> 00:17:06,800
Ketchup is a vegetable.
426
00:17:06,867 --> 00:17:09,668
This is a real barn-burner.
427
00:17:09,734 --> 00:17:11,534
God, did I just say cross-burner?
428
00:17:11,601 --> 00:17:13,267
- No, you did not.
- Oh, God.
429
00:17:13,334 --> 00:17:15,867
- We make an amazing team.
- I know. We're so in sync.
430
00:17:15,933 --> 00:17:18,000
It's like a perfect duet or great s...
431
00:17:18,067 --> 00:17:19,567
- Hey, Professor Whitman.
- Jeffrey.
432
00:17:19,634 --> 00:17:20,933
Your preparation was impeccable.
433
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:22,267
You remind me of a young me
434
00:17:22,334 --> 00:17:24,467
with slightly worse hair.
435
00:17:24,534 --> 00:17:26,301
I just checked with the judges.
436
00:17:26,367 --> 00:17:29,134
They'll need a miracle
to win in rebuttal.
437
00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:31,334
Simmons is finished.
438
00:17:31,401 --> 00:17:34,301
This is too much for me.
439
00:17:35,534 --> 00:17:37,734
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
440
00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:39,467
He's going off book.
441
00:17:40,867 --> 00:17:41,967
Why is he ripping up the cards?
442
00:17:42,034 --> 00:17:43,134
Doesn't he need the cards?
443
00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:45,734
It's a gambit.
444
00:18:23,701 --> 00:18:26,134
He hates me.
445
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:28,634
Yet he caught me.
446
00:18:28,701 --> 00:18:29,867
Ooh.
447
00:18:29,933 --> 00:18:32,334
Man is good.
448
00:18:47,267 --> 00:18:50,867
Abed, Abed.
449
00:18:50,933 --> 00:18:53,367
He was horny.
450
00:18:53,434 --> 00:18:56,100
So he dropped him.
451
00:18:58,601 --> 00:19:01,800
Man is evil.
452
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:08,501
Greendale wins.
453
00:19:08,567 --> 00:19:11,800
Huzzah!
454
00:19:14,367 --> 00:19:17,434
Eat that, Simmons.
455
00:19:17,501 --> 00:19:20,000
* Alabama, Arkansas *
456
00:19:20,067 --> 00:19:20,967
* I do love my ma and pa *
457
00:19:21,034 --> 00:19:22,267
That off book enough for ya?
458
00:19:22,334 --> 00:19:24,501
* Not the way that I do love you *
459
00:19:26,301 --> 00:19:27,301
* Ah, home *
460
00:19:27,367 --> 00:19:28,634
* Let me come home *
461
00:19:28,701 --> 00:19:30,034
Simmons got robbed.
462
00:19:30,100 --> 00:19:31,134
They kissed.
463
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:32,734
You do have powers.
464
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:34,134
I'm gonna die by werewolf.
465
00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:36,234
Shirley, I don't have powers. Trust me.
466
00:19:36,301 --> 00:19:39,034
In my next film, we discover
that Pierce is an actual genius.
467
00:19:39,100 --> 00:19:40,467
Well, that's not gonna happen.
468
00:19:40,534 --> 00:19:41,501
No, it's not.
469
00:19:41,567 --> 00:19:42,701
Pierce,
470
00:19:42,768 --> 00:19:44,167
I can't smoke a cigarette
471
00:19:44,234 --> 00:19:46,467
without thinking of a
three-way in your hot tub.
472
00:19:46,534 --> 00:19:48,000
You did it.
473
00:19:48,067 --> 00:19:49,668
Yes. I did?
474
00:19:49,734 --> 00:19:53,967
- You're a genius.
- Ah! Who's the third?
475
00:19:54,034 --> 00:19:56,534
You did great in there!
476
00:19:56,601 --> 00:19:58,833
Let's take this bacchanalia outside.
477
00:19:58,900 --> 00:20:03,401
- Full moon tonight.
- Whoo!
478
00:20:03,467 --> 00:20:05,601
Shirley.
479
00:20:05,668 --> 00:20:09,567
Well, I'm going this way, so...
480
00:20:09,634 --> 00:20:13,401
Well, um, congratulations, buddy.
481
00:20:13,467 --> 00:20:16,334
Thanks, pal.
482
00:20:22,067 --> 00:20:26,034
Just pat me.
483
00:20:35,634 --> 00:20:37,933
Donde esta la biblioteca?
484
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:40,467
Me llamo T-Bone, la arana discoteca.
485
00:20:40,534 --> 00:20:42,034
Discoteca, muneca,
486
00:20:42,100 --> 00:20:45,634
la biblioteca es en bigote
grande, perro, manteca.
487
00:20:45,701 --> 00:20:47,387
Manteca, bigote, gigante...
488
00:20:47,388 --> 00:20:47,967
Cut, cut.
489
00:20:48,034 --> 00:20:49,334
Let me ask you a question.
Do you hate this?
490
00:20:49,401 --> 00:20:51,000
Do you hate doing this?
491
00:20:51,067 --> 00:20:52,434
Do you?
492
00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:54,367
Let me talk to you.
Can I talk to you for a second?
493
00:20:54,434 --> 00:20:56,167
Just hold on. What is this?
494
00:20:56,234 --> 00:20:57,668
I don't know.
495
00:20:57,734 --> 00:21:02,134
They're just trying to
do what they're gonna do.
496
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:03,467
Uh, just have fun with it.
497
00:21:05,601 --> 00:21:06,601
Take 36.
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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