1 00:00:01,607 --> 00:00:05,898 [Alarm beeping] 2 00:00:05,966 --> 00:00:07,078 And we're back. 3 00:00:07,146 --> 00:00:10,099 [The Fratellis' baby Fratelli playing] 4 00:00:10,167 --> 00:00:14,892 ♪ ♪ 5 00:00:14,959 --> 00:00:16,537 ♪ Whoo ♪ 6 00:00:16,604 --> 00:00:20,854 ♪ ♪ 7 00:00:20,922 --> 00:00:22,127 [alarm rings] 8 00:00:22,195 --> 00:00:24,135 ♪ I said oh my ♪ 9 00:00:24,203 --> 00:00:26,007 ♪ I don't know why ♪ 10 00:00:26,074 --> 00:00:29,790 ♪ I was just busy watching everyone go by ♪ 11 00:00:29,858 --> 00:00:31,899 ♪ she got my number ♪ 12 00:00:31,967 --> 00:00:34,041 ♪ though I can't stand her ♪ 13 00:00:34,109 --> 00:00:35,247 ♪ I can't help digging her ♪ 14 00:00:35,315 --> 00:00:37,556 ♪ I hope I guess I wonder ♪ 15 00:00:37,624 --> 00:00:39,330 ♪ and, oh, it's clear ♪ 16 00:00:39,398 --> 00:00:41,238 ♪ you want me, dear... ♪ 17 00:00:41,306 --> 00:00:43,580 Dean Pelton: Welcome, students, new and old 18 00:00:43,648 --> 00:00:47,262 to another fall semester at Greendale! 19 00:00:47,329 --> 00:00:50,573 It's time for clean slates and fresh starts. 20 00:00:50,641 --> 00:00:53,417 Celebrate your fresh start tonight 21 00:00:53,485 --> 00:00:56,158 at the fresh start dance in the cafeteria. 22 00:00:56,228 --> 00:00:58,468 The same cafeteria where Britta Perry 23 00:00:58,536 --> 00:01:00,609 publicly professed her love to Jeff Winger 24 00:01:00,676 --> 00:01:02,046 who then walked out on her. 25 00:01:02,113 --> 00:01:03,418 Unforgettable! 26 00:01:03,486 --> 00:01:07,065 Plus, free punch and fresh start cookies tonight 27 00:01:07,132 --> 00:01:09,541 at the fresh start dance! 28 00:01:09,609 --> 00:01:11,212 Look at us... Living together, 29 00:01:11,282 --> 00:01:12,752 driving to school together. 30 00:01:12,820 --> 00:01:15,394 I know. We're like Batman and shaft. 31 00:01:15,462 --> 00:01:18,002 Batman actually had a guy. His name was Robin. 32 00:01:18,069 --> 00:01:19,841 He rode around with him. 33 00:01:19,909 --> 00:01:22,249 Troy, Batman's friend didn't have to be Robin. 34 00:01:22,319 --> 00:01:24,524 It could have been shaft, dolemite... 35 00:01:24,592 --> 00:01:26,531 Leroy brown. 36 00:01:26,598 --> 00:01:28,971 Don't let society limit your people. 37 00:01:29,039 --> 00:01:30,174 Annie: Giggles. 38 00:01:30,242 --> 00:01:32,048 Batman and shaft. Wow! 39 00:01:32,116 --> 00:01:33,454 You're reading Troy's Twitter page 40 00:01:33,522 --> 00:01:34,891 where he posts everything Pierce says? 41 00:01:34,959 --> 00:01:37,434 Yeah! "Oldwhitemansays"? It's hilarious. 42 00:01:37,502 --> 00:01:38,804 Aah! 43 00:01:38,872 --> 00:01:40,275 [Both squealing] 44 00:01:40,344 --> 00:01:42,415 Hello, honey! 45 00:01:42,483 --> 00:01:43,918 - I like your hair. - Oh, thank you, Abed. 46 00:01:43,986 --> 00:01:46,256 - You're welcome. - Jeffrey. Hello! 47 00:01:46,325 --> 00:01:48,596 - Hey! How was your summer? - Lived with you. 48 00:01:48,664 --> 00:01:49,766 Oh, yeah. 49 00:01:53,378 --> 00:01:55,449 [Giggles] 50 00:01:55,517 --> 00:01:58,022 Okay. 51 00:01:58,090 --> 00:02:00,428 So...Are you guys ready for whatever... 52 00:02:00,496 --> 00:02:01,560 Anthropology is? 53 00:02:01,628 --> 00:02:03,228 We should wait for Britta. 54 00:02:03,295 --> 00:02:04,796 Do we know if she's coming back? 55 00:02:04,864 --> 00:02:06,564 She never returned any of my calls or emails. 56 00:02:06,632 --> 00:02:08,032 [Gasps] Me neither. 57 00:02:08,100 --> 00:02:10,202 It's not gonna be the same without her. 58 00:02:10,270 --> 00:02:11,806 Oh... 59 00:02:13,411 --> 00:02:14,580 [Sobs] 60 00:02:14,647 --> 00:02:16,551 Hey, did you guys see toy story 3? 61 00:02:16,619 --> 00:02:18,187 - Yes! - Oh, I love toy story 3! 62 00:02:18,255 --> 00:02:19,591 [Overlapping chatter] 63 00:02:19,659 --> 00:02:20,927 - Hey! - Aah! 64 00:02:22,265 --> 00:02:23,934 - Hey! - Hey, toy story... Britta! 65 00:02:24,002 --> 00:02:25,706 [Overlapping comments] 66 00:02:25,773 --> 00:02:26,841 Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 67 00:02:26,909 --> 00:02:29,681 I made an ass of myself and Jeff at that dance. 68 00:02:29,749 --> 00:02:31,485 I was just caught up in a competition 69 00:02:31,553 --> 00:02:33,088 with his turd of an ex-girlfriend, 70 00:02:33,156 --> 00:02:35,326 and I wish I could erase the entire night, 71 00:02:35,395 --> 00:02:36,930 and I owe you an apology. 72 00:02:36,998 --> 00:02:38,233 I accept. 73 00:02:38,300 --> 00:02:40,304 Oh, sweetie, you don't owe us anything, 74 00:02:40,371 --> 00:02:42,074 and you don't have to hide from us. 75 00:02:42,142 --> 00:02:43,912 You? I'm hiding from them. 76 00:02:43,980 --> 00:02:46,216 It's like high school all over again. 77 00:02:46,284 --> 00:02:48,287 Psycho Britta, the walking freak show 78 00:02:48,355 --> 00:02:51,428 for every Barbie with a cosmo subscription. 79 00:02:51,496 --> 00:02:52,964 Look, I don't mean to be a tool, 80 00:02:53,032 --> 00:02:54,835 but you embarrassed me that night too, 81 00:02:54,903 --> 00:02:56,104 so call it karma. 82 00:02:56,172 --> 00:02:57,608 Oh, boy. 83 00:02:57,676 --> 00:03:00,146 I hope I'm not around when you do mean to be a tool. 84 00:03:00,213 --> 00:03:02,485 Let's just put this behind us 85 00:03:02,552 --> 00:03:04,154 and just walk to class, okay? 86 00:03:04,222 --> 00:03:06,325 - Yeah. - Yeah. 87 00:03:09,198 --> 00:03:12,136 - You're Britta Perry? - Yeah. What's it to you? 88 00:03:12,203 --> 00:03:13,770 You are the...Coolest! 89 00:03:13,838 --> 00:03:14,838 [Both giggling] 90 00:03:14,905 --> 00:03:16,506 Right. Um... 91 00:03:16,573 --> 00:03:17,874 At what, exactly? 92 00:03:17,941 --> 00:03:19,475 Being fearless! 93 00:03:19,543 --> 00:03:21,677 Honest. Speaking from your heart. 94 00:03:21,745 --> 00:03:24,012 "Jeff Winger, I love you." [mouthing words] 95 00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:25,513 Right. Um... 96 00:03:25,581 --> 00:03:27,482 My heart may have overstated... 97 00:03:27,550 --> 00:03:29,617 - do you sign stuff? - Now and again. 98 00:03:29,685 --> 00:03:30,818 Awesome. 99 00:03:30,886 --> 00:03:32,853 I don't like where that's going. 100 00:03:32,921 --> 00:03:34,421 I know. Right? 101 00:03:38,292 --> 00:03:41,227 Um...Annie, do you remember the little talk we had? 102 00:03:41,295 --> 00:03:43,462 - The one about discretion? - Yes. Stop that. 103 00:03:43,530 --> 00:03:46,632 Look, we agreed that you and I kissing was a mistake. 104 00:03:46,700 --> 00:03:48,634 And if anyone were to find out about it, 105 00:03:48,702 --> 00:03:50,035 I would be tarred, feathered, 106 00:03:50,103 --> 00:03:51,606 and put on one of those websites people check 107 00:03:51,673 --> 00:03:53,107 when they're buying a house. 108 00:03:53,175 --> 00:03:54,308 It's forgotten, Jeff! 109 00:03:54,376 --> 00:03:56,978 Jeez, I'm not some love-struck teenybopper! 110 00:03:57,045 --> 00:03:58,179 But you should know, we didn't just kiss. 111 00:03:58,246 --> 00:03:59,613 We technically frenched. 112 00:03:59,681 --> 00:04:02,182 I checked the make-out meter in this month's issue of... 113 00:04:02,250 --> 00:04:05,051 national review. 114 00:04:08,921 --> 00:04:11,055 I don't like where that's going. 115 00:04:11,123 --> 00:04:15,225 ♪ Give me some rope, time in a tree ♪ 116 00:04:15,293 --> 00:04:18,294 ♪ give me the hope to run out of steam ♪ 117 00:04:18,362 --> 00:04:21,698 ♪ somebody said we could be here ♪ 118 00:04:21,766 --> 00:04:25,702 ♪ we could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year ♪ 119 00:04:25,770 --> 00:04:30,973 ♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪ 120 00:04:31,041 --> 00:04:35,345 ♪ one by one they all just fade away ♪ 121 00:04:35,346 --> 00:04:37,218 Synced by YesCool www.addic7ed.com 122 00:04:39,550 --> 00:04:41,485 Senor Chang! 123 00:04:41,553 --> 00:04:43,686 Oh, wait. I guess it's not senor anymore. 124 00:04:43,754 --> 00:04:45,721 What should we call you? Student Chang? 125 00:04:45,788 --> 00:04:47,521 Two credits into a music major Chang? 126 00:04:47,588 --> 00:04:50,055 Okay. How 'bout not calling me anything...Hmm? 127 00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:52,157 Why are you guys in this class? 128 00:04:52,225 --> 00:04:54,059 Oh. We chose it together. 129 00:04:54,126 --> 00:04:56,060 The real question is... Why are you in it? 130 00:04:56,128 --> 00:04:58,529 Oh! You missed us? 131 00:04:58,596 --> 00:05:00,163 Oh ho! Don't flatter yourself, okay? 132 00:05:00,231 --> 00:05:02,065 Have you checked out the course description? 133 00:05:02,133 --> 00:05:05,100 Ancient weaponry? Genital mutilation? 134 00:05:05,167 --> 00:05:07,535 Subject's talkin' my changuage. 135 00:05:07,603 --> 00:05:09,336 Ugh. 136 00:05:09,404 --> 00:05:12,506 [Whooping, cheering] 137 00:05:17,678 --> 00:05:18,845 I don't get it. 138 00:05:18,913 --> 00:05:20,546 - Well, star-burns has grown reliant 139 00:05:20,614 --> 00:05:22,314 on his star-shaped sideburns 140 00:05:22,382 --> 00:05:24,716 but still craves identity beyond them, so he added a hat. 141 00:05:24,783 --> 00:05:26,183 - . What's up with Britta-mania? 142 00:05:26,251 --> 00:05:27,618 Oh. Oh, that's even simpler. 143 00:05:27,686 --> 00:05:35,116 In the eyes of the public, Britta put herself out there. 144 00:05:35,184 --> 00:05:36,910 Hey, Jeff, do you have any hillbilly cousins? 145 00:05:36,977 --> 00:05:38,747 - I wish. Why? - What about a wealthy uncle? 146 00:05:38,814 --> 00:05:39,898 Or an old drinking buddy 147 00:05:39,966 --> 00:05:41,618 that may or may not have had a sex change? 148 00:05:41,671 --> 00:05:43,590 Why are you mining my life for classic sitcom scenarios? 149 00:05:43,642 --> 00:05:45,460 I guess I'm just excited about the new year, 150 00:05:45,528 --> 00:05:46,863 looking for ways to improve things. 151 00:05:46,931 --> 00:05:48,282 I'm hoping we can move away 152 00:05:48,350 --> 00:05:49,919 from the soapy relationshipy stuff 153 00:05:49,987 --> 00:05:52,157 and into bigger, fast-paced, self-contained escapades. 154 00:05:52,225 --> 00:05:53,627 What is it, exactly, 155 00:05:53,695 --> 00:05:55,965 that separates man from animal? 156 00:05:56,033 --> 00:05:57,402 Divorce? 157 00:05:57,469 --> 00:05:58,855 [Laughter] 158 00:06:02,604 --> 00:06:03,523 [Gasps] 159 00:06:03,591 --> 00:06:05,863 [Wheezes] 160 00:06:08,286 --> 00:06:10,690 Tools. Like this blowgun I used 161 00:06:10,758 --> 00:06:13,580 to hunt monkeys with the korubo in the Amazon. 162 00:06:13,647 --> 00:06:16,136 My name is Professor June Bauer, 163 00:06:16,203 --> 00:06:17,221 and this semester, 164 00:06:17,289 --> 00:06:18,607 I will guide you to the very threshold 165 00:06:18,675 --> 00:06:20,377 of your humanity, 166 00:06:20,445 --> 00:06:22,581 where you will lock eyes 167 00:06:22,649 --> 00:06:24,285 with the shrieking, blood-drenched 168 00:06:24,353 --> 00:06:28,193 sister-raping beasts from which we sprang. 169 00:06:28,260 --> 00:06:30,297 You will also have to make a diorama. 170 00:06:30,365 --> 00:06:31,716 [Everyone groans] 171 00:06:31,784 --> 00:06:33,020 For your first assignment, 172 00:06:33,088 --> 00:06:36,076 I would like you to form tribes of no more than eight 173 00:06:36,144 --> 00:06:38,766 and, if you can, mix up the races, 174 00:06:38,833 --> 00:06:40,285 or you'll be surprised 175 00:06:40,353 --> 00:06:42,456 at how quickly things get awkward. 176 00:06:42,524 --> 00:06:44,527 [Shuddering] 177 00:06:46,295 --> 00:06:48,197 You know, now that Troy's off the streets 178 00:06:48,265 --> 00:06:50,068 and living with me, 179 00:06:50,136 --> 00:06:51,972 he's learning so much about the world. 180 00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:55,163 Yeah. Tell me again why Jewish people wear yarmulkes. 181 00:06:55,215 --> 00:06:57,485 Half a hat. Saves money. 182 00:06:57,553 --> 00:06:59,722 Thank you! 183 00:06:59,790 --> 00:07:03,160 "Half a hat"? That is so offensive! 184 00:07:03,227 --> 00:07:05,029 I love "oldwhitemansays". 185 00:07:05,097 --> 00:07:07,667 Hey, find an eighth dork for your tribe of dorks? 186 00:07:07,734 --> 00:07:09,703 Chang, I'm starting to think you took anthropology 187 00:07:09,771 --> 00:07:11,206 because you wanna be in our study group 188 00:07:11,273 --> 00:07:12,324 but are too proud to ask. 189 00:07:12,392 --> 00:07:14,126 What? Keep dreaming, Winger. 190 00:07:14,193 --> 00:07:17,647 Would somebody with too much pride...Do this? 191 00:07:17,715 --> 00:07:21,422 Automated voice: Current balance, $23.10. 192 00:07:21,490 --> 00:07:24,144 - Consider yourself Chang-ed. 193 00:07:25,564 --> 00:07:27,668 Some Mac and cheese, please. 194 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:30,808 Sorry. Looks like your food just walked out on ya. 195 00:07:30,876 --> 00:07:32,779 Same way you did Britta. 196 00:07:32,846 --> 00:07:36,268 [Women giggling] 197 00:07:38,591 --> 00:07:40,627 Hey. Can we talk? 198 00:07:40,695 --> 00:07:41,913 Oh. Now he wants to talk. 199 00:07:41,981 --> 00:07:43,816 No. It's fine. I'll be right back. 200 00:07:45,721 --> 00:07:48,609 Man, uh...You got some real passionate fans. 201 00:07:48,677 --> 00:07:50,262 Ah, it'll blow over. 202 00:07:50,314 --> 00:07:52,984 Would you mind, um... Helping it blow over? 203 00:07:53,052 --> 00:07:55,273 My stock is kinda plummeting around here. 204 00:07:55,341 --> 00:07:56,558 Oh... 205 00:07:56,626 --> 00:07:58,195 I don't mean to sound like a tool, 206 00:07:58,263 --> 00:08:00,499 but maybe it's karma. 207 00:08:00,567 --> 00:08:01,785 Britta, I know you're excited 208 00:08:01,853 --> 00:08:03,189 to finally be popular with women, 209 00:08:03,256 --> 00:08:05,492 but don't get too high on your own drama. 210 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:08,648 [Raises voice] High on my own drama? 211 00:08:10,052 --> 00:08:11,270 [Women laughing] 212 00:08:11,338 --> 00:08:12,489 People's champion! 213 00:08:12,556 --> 00:08:14,326 [Cheers and applause] Sorry, man. 214 00:08:14,394 --> 00:08:16,531 I gotta go where the heat is. 215 00:08:16,598 --> 00:08:18,952 Jeff Winger, you're a jerk! 216 00:08:20,439 --> 00:08:22,743 She's turned every woman on campus against me. 217 00:08:22,795 --> 00:08:24,046 Well, not every woman. 218 00:08:24,114 --> 00:08:25,984 Certainly not the one that deserves to be with you. 219 00:08:26,051 --> 00:08:27,988 Annie, all women deserve to be with me. 220 00:08:28,055 --> 00:08:29,607 And vice versa. Granted. 221 00:08:29,674 --> 00:08:31,477 But who doesn't eventually settle down? 222 00:08:31,545 --> 00:08:32,780 I don't. And I never will. 223 00:08:32,847 --> 00:08:34,099 And if I did... 224 00:08:34,166 --> 00:08:36,503 [cheers and applause continue] 225 00:08:36,571 --> 00:08:38,925 If I did... 226 00:08:38,993 --> 00:08:42,049 I can beat Britta at her own game. 227 00:08:43,135 --> 00:08:44,706 Oh, good. 228 00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:46,811 Yeah, you better take a hike! 229 00:08:46,879 --> 00:08:49,867 Do you know where the cleanest bathroom is? 230 00:08:49,935 --> 00:08:52,890 - Teacher's lounge. - Thank you. 231 00:08:52,958 --> 00:08:55,479 Don't be shy. Come on up, have a sip. 232 00:08:55,547 --> 00:08:59,220 The yogi of India swear by its restorative powers. 233 00:09:00,507 --> 00:09:01,858 Okay. [chuckles] 234 00:09:01,926 --> 00:09:04,714 More of my urine for me. 235 00:09:04,782 --> 00:09:06,651 [Slurping] Now for your tribe's assignment. 236 00:09:06,719 --> 00:09:10,558 This box contains nine different tools, 237 00:09:10,626 --> 00:09:13,780 all of them important to humanity's survival. 238 00:09:13,848 --> 00:09:17,421 One of them is the most important of all. 239 00:09:17,489 --> 00:09:20,410 Your tribe's assignment for tomorrow 240 00:09:20,478 --> 00:09:23,733 is to tell me which tool that is. 241 00:09:23,801 --> 00:09:26,258 Questions? I have a question. 242 00:09:26,326 --> 00:09:30,011 But not for you. It's for Britta. 243 00:09:32,398 --> 00:09:33,774 Britta... 244 00:09:33,845 --> 00:09:35,478 I love you. 245 00:09:35,546 --> 00:09:38,681 - Oh! - Oh! 246 00:09:40,316 --> 00:09:43,652 Now, I know this puts you in an awkwardly powerful position, 247 00:09:43,719 --> 00:09:46,721 but I have to know right now, in front of everyone... 248 00:09:46,788 --> 00:09:49,655 Do you love me too? Oh! 249 00:09:51,891 --> 00:09:54,059 More than anything in the world. 250 00:09:54,126 --> 00:09:55,826 Oh ho oh! 251 00:09:55,894 --> 00:09:58,229 Really. 252 00:09:58,296 --> 00:10:00,764 - Yeah. - So... 253 00:10:00,831 --> 00:10:04,100 It begins... Hmm. 254 00:10:04,168 --> 00:10:08,137 The greatest relationship ever known. 255 00:10:13,009 --> 00:10:14,075 Eh! 256 00:10:14,143 --> 00:10:16,176 [Both groaning] 257 00:10:17,913 --> 00:10:19,413 Shirley: Oh! 258 00:10:19,481 --> 00:10:22,749 This is making me sick. 259 00:10:27,134 --> 00:10:28,232 I'm gonna love you forever. 260 00:10:28,300 --> 00:10:30,100 Good. I'm gonna love you forever. 261 00:10:30,168 --> 00:10:31,802 I don't believe you. Women: Oh! 262 00:10:31,869 --> 00:10:33,503 Why? Don't you want me to? 263 00:10:33,571 --> 00:10:36,506 No, I do. Bring it. 264 00:10:36,573 --> 00:10:38,740 Doesn't it make you wanna cry? 265 00:10:38,808 --> 00:10:41,309 Something like that. 'Scuse me. 266 00:10:41,377 --> 00:10:43,611 I downloaded a song that makes me think of you. 267 00:10:43,679 --> 00:10:46,280 Let's listen to it, each using one earbud. 268 00:10:49,717 --> 00:10:51,684 Shirley, would you consider spinning off with me? 269 00:10:51,752 --> 00:10:53,686 Just riffing, but we could open a hair salon together. 270 00:10:53,754 --> 00:10:56,456 Well, I don't understand. Is this you being meta? 271 00:10:56,523 --> 00:10:58,357 I wanted to come out of the gate having adventures, 272 00:10:58,425 --> 00:11:00,693 like paintball. This is boring. 273 00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:01,994 Well, I think that's selfish, Abed. 274 00:11:02,062 --> 00:11:03,662 If you were a friend to Jeff and Britta, 275 00:11:03,730 --> 00:11:06,330 you would see their relationship as an adventure. 276 00:11:06,398 --> 00:11:07,865 I hadn't thought about it that way. 277 00:11:07,933 --> 00:11:09,900 Oh, look at how they walk! 278 00:11:13,638 --> 00:11:15,772 Clearly, the most important tool to a tribe's survival 279 00:11:15,839 --> 00:11:17,840 is here... the cross, representing christianity. 280 00:11:17,908 --> 00:11:19,708 - That's an ax. - It's an ax? 281 00:11:19,776 --> 00:11:21,010 Maybe it's the telescope. 282 00:11:21,077 --> 00:11:22,444 You can look through it backwards... 283 00:11:22,512 --> 00:11:23,678 Shrink your enemies! 284 00:11:23,746 --> 00:11:25,313 I'll show you the tool 285 00:11:25,380 --> 00:11:26,881 that's most important to our survival. 286 00:11:26,948 --> 00:11:29,550 But fair warning... it's my penis. 287 00:11:31,285 --> 00:11:33,887 [Chortling] 288 00:11:33,954 --> 00:11:36,521 [Beeping] 289 00:11:36,589 --> 00:11:38,990 [Laughter] Oldwhiteman... 290 00:11:39,058 --> 00:11:41,126 Sorry I'm late. I was in my car loving Britta. 291 00:11:44,830 --> 00:11:46,897 I guess I just love you too much. 292 00:11:46,965 --> 00:11:48,433 Not half as much as me. 293 00:11:48,501 --> 00:11:49,869 Oh... 294 00:11:49,936 --> 00:11:51,403 Jeff, do you think you'll marry Britta? 295 00:11:51,471 --> 00:11:53,204 I'd like to see someone stop me. 296 00:11:53,272 --> 00:11:54,705 I just peed a little. 297 00:11:54,773 --> 00:11:57,007 Then here. Propose. 298 00:11:57,075 --> 00:11:58,075 Oh! 299 00:12:02,179 --> 00:12:03,579 I got it, I got it, I got it! 300 00:12:03,647 --> 00:12:05,881 Jeff Winger... 301 00:12:05,949 --> 00:12:07,249 Will you marry me? 302 00:12:07,317 --> 00:12:09,084 Yeah, yeah, of course. 303 00:12:09,152 --> 00:12:10,385 - Aah! - Aah! 304 00:12:10,453 --> 00:12:12,553 Perfect. I'll be right back. 305 00:12:12,621 --> 00:12:14,688 - Oh! - Oh! 306 00:12:14,756 --> 00:12:16,289 Thank the lord you're getting married! 307 00:12:16,357 --> 00:12:17,590 I was so worried about your souls 308 00:12:17,658 --> 00:12:21,427 ever since you had premarital sex on the table! 309 00:12:21,494 --> 00:12:23,628 - Oh! - Aah! 310 00:12:23,696 --> 00:12:26,197 - Awesome! - You told Shirley? 311 00:12:26,264 --> 00:12:27,798 Well, there's no need for secrecy now! 312 00:12:27,866 --> 00:12:29,734 It was during the paintball game. 313 00:12:29,801 --> 00:12:32,306 Was there anything you didn't win that day? 314 00:12:32,374 --> 00:12:34,274 Oh! 315 00:12:34,341 --> 00:12:37,710 You slept with her and then kissed me? 316 00:12:37,778 --> 00:12:39,044 - Oh! - What? 317 00:12:41,747 --> 00:12:46,217 ♪ Now they're in so deep ♪ 318 00:12:46,285 --> 00:12:50,387 ♪ you know she's such a fool for him ♪ 319 00:12:50,454 --> 00:12:55,626 ♪ she has a ring around her fin-ger-errr ♪ 320 00:12:55,693 --> 00:12:57,895 ♪ and Abed hired an Irish singer ♪ 321 00:12:57,962 --> 00:13:00,498 ♪ Britta's marryin', Britta's marryin' ♪ 322 00:13:00,565 --> 00:13:03,400 ♪ Britta's marryin' Jeffrey Winger ♪ 323 00:13:03,468 --> 00:13:04,568 What the hell is this? 324 00:13:04,635 --> 00:13:06,203 A wedding. Episode. 325 00:13:06,270 --> 00:13:08,371 - Abed, there's no wedding. - Cold feet? 326 00:13:08,439 --> 00:13:10,473 Talk it over with your best man George Clooney. 327 00:13:10,541 --> 00:13:12,208 What's up? 328 00:13:12,275 --> 00:13:13,742 He's a George Clooney impersonator, 329 00:13:13,810 --> 00:13:15,477 but still, razzle dazzle, right? 330 00:13:15,545 --> 00:13:17,278 - Abed. - Hmm? 331 00:13:17,346 --> 00:13:20,247 - Jeff made out with Annie. - What? When? 332 00:13:20,315 --> 00:13:21,615 - Where? - Yeah, where? 333 00:13:21,683 --> 00:13:23,450 That's inappropriate. I'm assuming in the mouth. 334 00:13:23,518 --> 00:13:25,051 It was after the transfer dance. 335 00:13:25,119 --> 00:13:27,120 Oh! So I tell you that I love you, 336 00:13:27,187 --> 00:13:28,721 and then you go outside 337 00:13:28,788 --> 00:13:30,622 and stick your tongue into a teenager. 338 00:13:30,690 --> 00:13:32,657 What is wrong with you, Jeffrey? 339 00:13:32,725 --> 00:13:33,792 Well, Shirley, 340 00:13:33,859 --> 00:13:35,727 since you have clearly failed to grasp 341 00:13:35,794 --> 00:13:37,962 the central insipid metaphor 342 00:13:38,029 --> 00:13:39,796 of those twilight books you devour, 343 00:13:39,864 --> 00:13:41,297 let me explain it to you. 344 00:13:41,365 --> 00:13:42,999 Men are monsters who crave young flesh. 345 00:13:43,066 --> 00:13:44,299 The end! 346 00:13:44,367 --> 00:13:46,401 At least we have the decency to be ashamed of it 347 00:13:46,469 --> 00:13:47,802 and keep it a secret 348 00:13:47,870 --> 00:13:49,571 instead of publicly blurting, "I love you," 349 00:13:49,638 --> 00:13:50,972 to everyone who sleeps with us! 350 00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:52,640 Oh, please! I never loved you. 351 00:13:52,707 --> 00:13:54,575 Aha! 352 00:13:54,642 --> 00:13:57,277 I win! I win! 353 00:13:57,345 --> 00:13:58,612 I win! In your face! 354 00:13:58,680 --> 00:14:00,347 So this was all a game? 355 00:14:00,415 --> 00:14:02,615 Everything they do is some sick competition. 356 00:14:02,683 --> 00:14:04,183 Oh, like you hate competition. 357 00:14:04,251 --> 00:14:05,618 How long did it take you to kiss Jeff 358 00:14:05,685 --> 00:14:06,919 after I told him that I loved him? 359 00:14:06,987 --> 00:14:08,654 Oh, that's right! 360 00:14:08,721 --> 00:14:10,254 First Vaughn, now Jeff. 361 00:14:10,322 --> 00:14:11,789 I better not smile at that wall outlet, 362 00:14:11,856 --> 00:14:13,457 or you'll fry your tongue off! 363 00:14:13,525 --> 00:14:15,258 Way to hog all the girls, Jeff. 364 00:14:15,326 --> 00:14:17,661 You know, when there's three sprinkle donuts, 365 00:14:17,728 --> 00:14:19,796 you don't eat one and then lick another! 366 00:14:19,864 --> 00:14:22,131 Anyone object to us being referred to as donuts? No one? 367 00:14:22,198 --> 00:14:24,666 I'm sorry we can't all be as honorable as you, Troy, 368 00:14:24,733 --> 00:14:27,302 and post Pierce quotes all day on Twitter. 369 00:14:27,370 --> 00:14:29,338 Wow. Is that your lame attempt 370 00:14:29,405 --> 00:14:31,306 to try and pass the hot seat to me? 371 00:14:31,374 --> 00:14:32,507 Nice try! 372 00:14:32,575 --> 00:14:34,275 Wait! I'm "oldwhitemansays"? 373 00:14:34,343 --> 00:14:36,311 No wonder he says everything I'm thinking. 374 00:14:36,379 --> 00:14:38,380 You bastard. 375 00:14:38,447 --> 00:14:41,349 I'm just sharing what you say. 376 00:14:41,417 --> 00:14:44,117 Yeah? Well, what if I shared all the stuff you say? 377 00:14:44,184 --> 00:14:46,953 He thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls. 378 00:14:47,020 --> 00:14:48,520 There's no way to disprove that. 379 00:14:48,588 --> 00:14:50,389 Have you ever seen a cat penis? 380 00:14:50,456 --> 00:14:52,557 Where you going? 381 00:14:52,625 --> 00:14:54,626 By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you... 382 00:14:54,693 --> 00:14:56,027 Cancelled. 383 00:14:56,095 --> 00:14:58,162 Oh, good, yeah, Abed. Cancel us. 384 00:14:58,230 --> 00:15:00,131 And while you're at it, why don't you take your cutesy, 385 00:15:00,198 --> 00:15:02,833 "I can't tell life from TV" gimmick with you? 386 00:15:02,901 --> 00:15:05,034 You know, it's very "season one." 387 00:15:09,272 --> 00:15:11,906 I can tell life from TV, Jeff. 388 00:15:11,974 --> 00:15:14,642 TV makes sense and has structure, logic, rules. 389 00:15:14,710 --> 00:15:16,710 And likeable leading men. 390 00:15:16,778 --> 00:15:18,945 In life, we have this. 391 00:15:19,013 --> 00:15:20,981 We have you. 392 00:15:27,453 --> 00:15:28,587 [Ahem] 393 00:15:28,654 --> 00:15:30,154 I'm on the clock for another hour 394 00:15:30,222 --> 00:15:33,090 if you want me to do some Batman lines. 395 00:15:50,516 --> 00:15:52,950 Not sitting with your little group? 396 00:15:53,017 --> 00:15:55,184 - The little group is done. - Yeah, well... 397 00:15:55,252 --> 00:15:58,187 Mission-ary accomplished, right? 398 00:15:58,255 --> 00:16:00,122 - What does that mean? - Come on. 399 00:16:00,190 --> 00:16:02,324 I know you and Britta did it. 400 00:16:02,392 --> 00:16:03,558 Isn't the whole reason 401 00:16:03,626 --> 00:16:05,093 you got together with those people 402 00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:07,294 because you wanted to bang the blond? 403 00:16:07,362 --> 00:16:10,164 And now I hear that you frenched the brunette. 404 00:16:10,231 --> 00:16:13,566 What more could you have gotten out of that group? 405 00:16:13,634 --> 00:16:15,701 Good morning, class. 406 00:16:15,769 --> 00:16:19,637 Let's dive in and hear the results of your assignment. 407 00:16:19,705 --> 00:16:21,104 Who wants to go first? 408 00:16:21,172 --> 00:16:22,839 I don't know, Mr. Winger. 409 00:16:22,907 --> 00:16:24,874 The last time I called on you, 410 00:16:24,942 --> 00:16:28,710 I kinda got what the maku-maku call dirt roaded. 411 00:16:28,778 --> 00:16:30,612 [Singsong] Using it! 412 00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:32,881 - Yeah, I-I'm sorry about that. 413 00:16:34,950 --> 00:16:36,284 It was a trick question. 414 00:16:36,351 --> 00:16:39,321 The tool most important to humanity's survival 415 00:16:39,388 --> 00:16:42,489 wasn't any of the nine in the box. 416 00:16:42,557 --> 00:16:44,058 Go on. 417 00:16:44,126 --> 00:16:47,928 The most important tool is respect. 418 00:16:47,996 --> 00:16:48,929 Ha! 419 00:16:48,997 --> 00:16:50,697 Gaaaa-yyyy! 420 00:16:50,765 --> 00:16:53,599 And the reason I know respect is a tool 421 00:16:53,667 --> 00:16:57,369 is because it is clearly not a natural thing, 422 00:16:57,437 --> 00:16:59,605 and we forget to use it all the time, 423 00:16:59,672 --> 00:17:02,373 and then we start competing with each other 424 00:17:02,441 --> 00:17:04,308 and exploiting each other 425 00:17:04,376 --> 00:17:07,010 and humiliating each other and controlling each other. 426 00:17:07,077 --> 00:17:09,612 And we lose each other. 427 00:17:09,679 --> 00:17:13,181 And without each other, we'll go extinct. 428 00:17:13,249 --> 00:17:15,317 And that's a fact. 429 00:17:15,385 --> 00:17:17,053 Ha. [quietly] Gay fact. 430 00:17:17,121 --> 00:17:18,821 That's my answer, Professor. 431 00:17:18,889 --> 00:17:20,322 Hmm. 432 00:17:23,058 --> 00:17:24,892 Well, that's one answer. 433 00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:26,760 Here's the one I had in mind. 434 00:17:26,828 --> 00:17:30,695 Combining all nine tools, 435 00:17:30,763 --> 00:17:33,331 you get this... 436 00:17:33,398 --> 00:17:37,901 a deadlier weapon than any one item in the box. 437 00:17:37,969 --> 00:17:41,905 So I'm gonna use this to attack you 438 00:17:41,973 --> 00:17:44,240 and you use respect to defend yourself. 439 00:17:44,308 --> 00:17:45,741 - Uh--o--uh-- 440 00:17:46,943 --> 00:17:48,644 - oh! 441 00:17:48,712 --> 00:17:49,878 Ugh! 442 00:17:49,946 --> 00:17:51,780 Oh, my God! 443 00:17:51,848 --> 00:17:55,116 [Gags] I...Respect you! 444 00:17:55,184 --> 00:17:57,551 That's why you fail! 445 00:17:57,619 --> 00:18:02,215 [Gags] 446 00:18:02,283 --> 00:18:04,917 - He's passing out! - Oh, my God! 447 00:18:04,985 --> 00:18:07,285 - Oh! - Stay with us, buddy! 448 00:18:09,388 --> 00:18:11,389 - Oh, thank God. - Hello! Hello, Jeffrey. 449 00:18:11,457 --> 00:18:13,490 - What happened? - Professor Bauer got suspended, 450 00:18:13,558 --> 00:18:15,725 and we got an automatic "a" on our assignment. 451 00:18:15,793 --> 00:18:18,394 Did someone throw urine in my face? 452 00:18:18,461 --> 00:18:20,829 Oh. Sometimes I surprise myself under pressure. 453 00:18:20,897 --> 00:18:22,597 Jeff, about the assignment. We decided... 454 00:18:22,665 --> 00:18:24,565 You had the right answer. 455 00:18:24,633 --> 00:18:26,033 I think we need a little more respect 456 00:18:26,100 --> 00:18:27,634 and a little less passion. 457 00:18:27,701 --> 00:18:28,768 Which will be easy for me 458 00:18:28,836 --> 00:18:30,836 because I think you're kinda gross now. 459 00:18:30,904 --> 00:18:32,171 Awesome. 460 00:18:32,238 --> 00:18:33,972 Pierce, I'm gonna delete that Twitter account. 461 00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:35,507 Your friendship is more important 462 00:18:35,574 --> 00:18:37,075 than 600,000 strangers. 463 00:18:37,142 --> 00:18:38,543 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 464 00:18:38,610 --> 00:18:41,412 Are you saying 600,000 people read what I say on Twitter? 465 00:18:41,479 --> 00:18:43,413 We gotta cash in on that! 466 00:18:43,481 --> 00:18:47,150 How 'bout oldwhitemansays... The TV show? 467 00:18:47,217 --> 00:18:48,351 All: No. 468 00:18:48,418 --> 00:18:49,919 Who would watch that? 469 00:18:49,986 --> 00:18:51,286 Speaking of bad development strategy, 470 00:18:51,354 --> 00:18:52,788 I owe you all an apology. 471 00:18:52,855 --> 00:18:55,022 I was trying so hard to make our first week a great one, 472 00:18:55,090 --> 00:18:56,757 I didn't realize there was something great in front of us 473 00:18:56,825 --> 00:18:58,792 the whole time... an old woman drinking her own pee. 474 00:18:58,860 --> 00:19:00,894 - You're right. - It's true. 475 00:19:00,962 --> 00:19:02,396 Guys. 476 00:19:02,463 --> 00:19:04,364 I got a confession to make... I took anthropology 477 00:19:04,432 --> 00:19:06,398 because I want to be a part of your study group. 478 00:19:06,466 --> 00:19:08,567 - Oh. - Oh! 479 00:19:08,635 --> 00:19:11,769 I gotta do the honest thing and just ask. 480 00:19:11,837 --> 00:19:13,804 Is there any room in this pocket 481 00:19:13,872 --> 00:19:16,272 for a little spare Chang? 482 00:19:16,340 --> 00:19:20,243 - Uh...W-we've been through a lot today. 483 00:19:20,311 --> 00:19:22,846 Give us a little time to think it over. 484 00:19:22,913 --> 00:19:24,547 Totally, totally, man. 485 00:19:24,615 --> 00:19:26,482 Just think about it, take your time, 486 00:19:26,550 --> 00:19:28,183 and, uh...Let me know. 487 00:19:28,251 --> 00:19:29,918 - Bye. - See ya. 488 00:19:29,986 --> 00:19:30,919 All right. 489 00:19:30,987 --> 00:19:33,055 Oh! Poor guy. 490 00:19:33,122 --> 00:19:34,256 Oh, we'll let him in eventually. 491 00:19:34,323 --> 00:19:35,824 Says who? 492 00:19:35,891 --> 00:19:37,792 Look, we have the strength to survive anything. 493 00:19:37,860 --> 00:19:39,927 What's the worst that can happen with Chang? 494 00:19:39,995 --> 00:19:41,395 - That's true. - Yeah. 495 00:19:41,463 --> 00:19:42,529 That's a good point. 496 00:19:42,597 --> 00:19:44,364 [Growling] 497 00:19:44,432 --> 00:19:48,134 I told you they hate you. [chuckling] 498 00:19:48,202 --> 00:19:52,771 No. They said they just needed more time. 499 00:19:52,839 --> 00:19:55,840 Time? They destroyed your life! 500 00:19:55,908 --> 00:19:59,410 How much time before we take revenge? 501 00:19:59,478 --> 00:20:01,111 But they're my friends. 502 00:20:01,179 --> 00:20:03,380 I'm your only friend! 503 00:20:03,448 --> 00:20:04,448 No. 504 00:20:04,515 --> 00:20:06,083 Hah hah hah! No! 505 00:20:06,150 --> 00:20:08,951 Ah hah hah hah! Noooooo! 506 00:20:08,952 --> 00:20:13,952 Synced by YesCool www.addic7ed.com 507 00:20:18,548 --> 00:20:20,081 - ♪ the class is...♪ - Mammalia. 508 00:20:20,149 --> 00:20:21,416 ♪ 'Cause boobies we gotta ♪ 509 00:20:21,483 --> 00:20:23,884 ♪ order is primate, family hominidae ♪ 510 00:20:23,952 --> 00:20:25,519 ♪ but genius is...♪ Homo. 511 00:20:25,587 --> 00:20:26,820 ♪ But you know you're into me ♪ 512 00:20:26,888 --> 00:20:29,589 ♪ 'cause I am in the species known as sapien ♪ 513 00:20:29,657 --> 00:20:31,691 ♪ dogs used to eat me, but now they bring the paper in ♪ 514 00:20:31,759 --> 00:20:36,128 ♪ it's gonna take a lot to get me away from you ♪ 515 00:20:36,196 --> 00:20:37,529 ♪ damn damn ♪ 516 00:20:37,597 --> 00:20:39,464 Both: ♪ there's nothing that a hundred men ♪ 517 00:20:39,532 --> 00:20:41,699 ♪ or more could ever do ♪ 518 00:20:41,767 --> 00:20:42,967 - ♪ s-s-sapien ♪ 519 00:20:43,035 --> 00:20:46,137 All: ♪ I bless the rains down in Africa ♪ 520 00:20:46,204 --> 00:20:48,472 ♪ oh, bless the rain ♪ 521 00:20:48,540 --> 00:20:52,442 Both: ♪ I bless the rains down in Africa ♪ 522 00:20:52,510 --> 00:20:56,912 All: ♪ I bless the rains down in Africa ♪ 523 00:20:56,980 --> 00:20:58,314 ♪ Africa ♪ 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net