1
00:00:01,465 --> 00:00:03,895
Gather close
that you might hearken

2
00:00:04,015 --> 00:00:06,854
the story of Fat Neil.

3
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Born stout of heart, but large of bone,

4
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his adolescent years were shadowed

5
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by scorn and mockery.

6
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Hey, fatty, fatty.

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Hey, fatty, fatty.

8
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Outlets of fantasy afforded him

9
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some escape from the darkness
throughout high school.

10
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And as a man, he traveled far
to a new school

11
00:00:24,956 --> 00:00:27,390
and a new beginning...

12
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Or so he thought.

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Yeah, it's down by Fat Neil.

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The name became a joke.

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I'll have what Fat Neil's having.

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The joke became his life.

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Yes, Fat Neil.

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And Neil fell again into darkness,

19
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only this time, his thoughts
turned to an escape

20
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of which we dare not speak.

21
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But pain need not be spoken to be known,

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not to all.

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It was, strangely, Jeff the Liar,

24
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son of William the Barely Known,

25
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who first became concerned.

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Neil.

27
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It was Jeff who pretended to be interested

28
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in Dungeons & Dragons

29
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in an effort to lift Neil's spirits.

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And when Jeff's fake interest

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resulted in Neil giving Jeff all his books,

32
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explaining he wouldn't need them anymore...

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It was Annie the Dayplanner,

34
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herself a recovering head case,

35
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that recognized the signs of coming doom.

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A council was called.

37
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Troy the Obtuse...

38
00:01:27,622 --> 00:01:29,256
Shirley the Cloying,

39
00:01:29,323 --> 00:01:31,089
Abed the Undiagnosable...

40
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Julian Assange is a modern day...

41
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And Britta the Needlessly Defiant.

42
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For reasons that should be obvious,

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Pierce the Insensitive,

44
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known also as Pierce the Dickish

45
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and Grandpa the Flatulent,

46
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was not invited.

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The group agreed that
what Fat Neil needed most

48
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was to feel like a winner for a change.

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They would invite Neil that Saturday

50
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to a game of Dungeons & Dragons,

51
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designed by Abed to help
Neil reclaim his confidence.

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For Neil.

53
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At the end of the meeting,

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they realized that Chang had been there

55
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and felt too awkward to mention it.

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What they couldn't have known

57
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was that they had just scheduled

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the most important game of
Dungeons & Dragons ever,

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a game which not only might save a life,

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but which would forever change the balance

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between good and Pierce.

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Sync by YYeTs.net
Corrected by Addic7ed
www.addic7ed.com

63
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Hi.

64
00:02:51,260 --> 00:02:52,260
Hey, Neil,

65
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this is gonna be awesome, yo.

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So we're just gonna ignore
that hate crime, huh?

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I'm a dark elf, or a trau.

68
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Shouldn't you be wearing
armor or something?

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I'm an elf, not a nerd.

70
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So you guys suddenly just

71
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wanted to play Dungeons & Dragons?

72
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Y-yeah.

73
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W-why wouldn't we?

74
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Yes.

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It's cool, and when you play it,

76
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it makes you happy...

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Like a dragon.

78
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Okay, hi.

79
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I am your dungeon master.

80
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We will be playing this adventure...

81
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"The Cavern of Draconis."

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00:03:17,894 --> 00:03:19,327
- Ooh!
- Neil.

83
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I understand Neil has his own character

84
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named Duquesne that he's
been playing for years,

85
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so I made these for you guys.

86
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Now, take your time.
Choose your character carefully.

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They each have their own unique
combination of strength and...

88
00:03:29,494 --> 00:03:30,994
All righty.

89
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Shouldn't there be a board or some pieces

90
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or something to Jenga?

91
00:03:33,627 --> 00:03:34,994
No, no, this is a role-playing game.

92
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It takes place entirely in
our collective imagination.

93
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- Ooh.
- Neil.

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I tell a story,

95
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and you make choices in the story, okay?

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Let's begin.

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You are all standing on a country road.

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Legend has it the evil dragon Draconis

99
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dwells nearby, guarding a
massive pile of treasure.

100
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Working as a team,

101
00:03:50,694 --> 00:03:52,293
your goal is to track down
the dragon, kill him,

102
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and then claim the treasure as your own.

103
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Jeff, your turn.

104
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Oh, it's my turn?

105
00:03:56,927 --> 00:03:59,527
Oh, um... What do I do...
Roll dice?

106
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You tell me what you want to do,

107
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then I roll the dice to
see if you're successful.

108
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What are my choices?

109
00:04:03,761 --> 00:04:04,827
Okay, you're slowing things down, Jeff.

110
00:04:04,894 --> 00:04:05,927
Shirley, what do you want to do?

111
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I'd like to introduce myself to the group.

112
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Hello. I am a dwarf named Zippity-Do.

113
00:04:10,927 --> 00:04:12,627
Okay, I'm not the best at making up names.

114
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Oh, hey. I'm Marrrrrr.

115
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Boy, you weren't kidding.

116
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Hello, Marrrrrr.

117
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My name is Bing Bong the Archer.

118
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I'm an archer and such.

119
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I'm...Ew! Hector the well-endowed?
Abed.

120
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I didn't know you'd just
grab one at random.

121
00:04:30,019 --> 00:04:32,152
I made that one with Troy in mind.

122
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Yeah, I bet you did.

123
00:04:33,818 --> 00:04:35,885
Okay, hi! I'm Lavernica.

124
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I have three armors,

125
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boots,

126
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a belt,

127
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a torch....

128
00:04:41,186 --> 00:04:42,319
Wait, let her finish.

129
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Worst introduction ever. Check it.

130
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I am Brutalitops,

131
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the magician!

132
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Magic user, baby...
What?

133
00:04:52,452 --> 00:04:54,723
An arrow flies through the air
almost hitting Brutalitops.

134
00:04:54,724 --> 00:04:56,339
Six goblins are running toward you

135
00:04:56,340 --> 00:04:57,718
from the tree line, drawing daggers.

136
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Oh!

137
00:04:58,357 --> 00:04:59,947
I attack them using my...

138
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Additional notes.

139
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It has no effect. Britta?

140
00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:05,334
I want to know why these
goblins are attacking us.

141
00:05:05,401 --> 00:05:07,782
Maybe these woods are their rightful land,

142
00:05:07,783 --> 00:05:09,192
and from their perspective...

143
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You're the AT&T of people.

144
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You've been shot by an arrow.

145
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Yeah, it hurts. Jeff.

146
00:05:16,610 --> 00:05:17,942
Uh, I take my throwing knife

147
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and throw it, knife-style.

148
00:05:19,942 --> 00:05:21,276
You do ten points of damage.

149
00:05:21,343 --> 00:05:22,376
Look at that.

150
00:05:22,443 --> 00:05:24,243
- What am I not good at?
- Sex.

151
00:05:24,309 --> 00:05:26,476
But the goblins close in,
surrounding you on all sides.

152
00:05:27,313 --> 00:05:29,146
I draw my plus-three sword of Duquesne

153
00:05:29,213 --> 00:05:32,008
and attack in a 180-degree arc.

154
00:05:32,009 --> 00:05:33,695
The goblins are terrified as Duquesne draws

155
00:05:33,696 --> 00:05:35,575
his powerful glowing
sword from its sheath...

156
00:05:35,773 --> 00:05:38,963
And in one move, slices the throats
of three charging goblins!

157
00:05:38,964 --> 00:05:40,390
- Oh!
- Oh, that's good.

158
00:05:40,489 --> 00:05:41,374
The rest of the goblins run away.

159
00:05:41,375 --> 00:05:43,872
Great job with the sword, Neil...
You saved us.

160
00:05:43,873 --> 00:05:45,822
What would we have done
if you didn't exist?

161
00:05:45,889 --> 00:05:46,989
Dial it back, Lavernica.

162
00:05:54,389 --> 00:05:56,955
Pierce, what are you doing here?

163
00:05:57,022 --> 00:05:59,656
How about you answer that question?

164
00:05:59,723 --> 00:06:02,222
What the hell is this little tea party?

165
00:06:02,289 --> 00:06:04,589
We're playing Dungeons & Dragons.

166
00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:05,922
First of all, gay.

167
00:06:05,989 --> 00:06:07,922
Second of all, stupid.

168
00:06:07,989 --> 00:06:10,389
And thirdly...

169
00:06:10,456 --> 00:06:12,889
Why was this a secret?

170
00:06:12,955 --> 00:06:14,889
Are you cutting me out of the group?

171
00:06:14,955 --> 00:06:17,156
I guess we must have forgot.

172
00:06:17,222 --> 00:06:20,056
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, that's what it was.

173
00:06:20,122 --> 00:06:21,822
But you remembered to
invite Al Jolson here.

174
00:06:21,889 --> 00:06:24,790
And you remembered to let
fatty sit in my chair.

175
00:06:25,896 --> 00:06:27,665
Get out! You're stretching it!

176
00:06:27,666 --> 00:06:29,913
Pierce, can we talk to you
outside for a second?

177
00:06:29,914 --> 00:06:32,108
Kind of missed that opportunity
already, didn't you?

178
00:06:32,109 --> 00:06:34,073
Yeah, but there's a very specific reason.

179
00:06:34,074 --> 00:06:35,391
Let's just play, all right?

180
00:06:35,392 --> 00:06:36,625
I don't have a character for you.

181
00:06:36,691 --> 00:06:37,958
I don't care, I just want to play the game.

182
00:06:38,025 --> 00:06:39,524
- I don't need a character.
- I think you do.

183
00:06:39,591 --> 00:06:42,158
Just put me in the stupid game now.

184
00:06:42,225 --> 00:06:43,625
Okay, um...

185
00:06:43,691 --> 00:06:45,591
As you watch the goblins retreat,

186
00:06:45,658 --> 00:06:48,158
you notice a 67-year-old naked man
with no weapons,

187
00:06:48,225 --> 00:06:49,424
lying in the wet grass, shivering.

188
00:06:49,491 --> 00:06:50,758
His name is...

189
00:06:50,825 --> 00:06:53,625
Pierce Hawthorne, and I'm 66, dick.

190
00:06:53,691 --> 00:06:56,158
In about 13 turns, he will die of exposure.

191
00:06:56,225 --> 00:06:57,591
- Jeff?
- I wait 14 turns.

192
00:06:57,658 --> 00:06:59,192
Screw you guys. I'm gonna win.

193
00:06:59,259 --> 00:07:01,424
I go to the naked man,
and I give him my cloak.

194
00:07:01,491 --> 00:07:02,791
Oh.

195
00:07:02,858 --> 00:07:05,491
Pierce, I am Duquesne of clan Duquesne.

196
00:07:05,558 --> 00:07:06,925
Dumb name.

197
00:07:06,992 --> 00:07:09,758
I'm gonna take his sword.
Can I take his sword?

198
00:07:09,825 --> 00:07:11,791
You've got his sword.

199
00:07:11,858 --> 00:07:15,092
Pierce, knock it off.
You're playing the game wrong.

200
00:07:15,158 --> 00:07:16,246
We'll see.

201
00:07:16,247 --> 00:07:18,666
Okay, I take the Duquesne
sword from the naked man.

202
00:07:18,667 --> 00:07:20,588
I attack him! I attack Black Face!

203
00:07:20,979 --> 00:07:22,445
It's a critical hit.

204
00:07:23,608 --> 00:07:25,509
You've decapitated him.
Brutalitops is dead.

205
00:07:25,576 --> 00:07:26,542
What?

206
00:07:26,608 --> 00:07:28,975
No!

207
00:07:29,042 --> 00:07:30,576
Chang...

208
00:07:30,641 --> 00:07:32,542
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to
ask for your character sheet.

209
00:07:54,109 --> 00:07:56,008
- Still your turn.
- I run.

210
00:07:56,075 --> 00:07:57,875
What? You run?

211
00:07:57,942 --> 00:07:59,375
The naked man is running into the woods.

212
00:07:59,442 --> 00:08:02,309
- But he has my sword.
- Can we catch him, please?

213
00:08:02,375 --> 00:08:03,456
Well, the cloak that Duquesne gave him

214
00:08:03,457 --> 00:08:04,625
was an elven cloak of windwalking,

215
00:08:04,626 --> 00:08:07,576
which is double speed, so, no. He's gone.

216
00:08:07,641 --> 00:08:09,741
- Damn it!
- It took me ten years

217
00:08:09,808 --> 00:08:11,623
and 50 campaigns to get that sword.

218
00:08:11,624 --> 00:08:12,320
Really?

219
00:08:12,321 --> 00:08:14,386
Maybe I'll wipe my ass with
it and throw it off a cliff.

220
00:08:15,992 --> 00:08:17,525
That's for sitting in my chair, fatty.

221
00:08:23,557 --> 00:08:25,091
I take it that means I'm winning.

222
00:08:26,810 --> 00:08:28,643
Pierce, you've made your point.

223
00:08:28,710 --> 00:08:30,244
You can ruin anything.

224
00:08:30,311 --> 00:08:32,211
Now come back and give Neil his sword.

225
00:08:32,277 --> 00:08:33,544
I can't hear you over the sound

226
00:08:33,610 --> 00:08:35,578
of me rubbing his sword on my balls.

227
00:08:35,643 --> 00:08:36,743
- Pierce!
- Ew!

228
00:08:36,810 --> 00:08:38,578
You have...

229
00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:40,444
Successfully rubbed your
balls on the sword.

230
00:08:40,511 --> 00:08:41,912
Abed, don't help him.

231
00:08:41,913 --> 00:08:43,777
You're the dungeon master.
Just kill Pierce

232
00:08:43,844 --> 00:08:45,743
and give Neil back his sword...
He's upset.

233
00:08:45,810 --> 00:08:47,311
I'm the dungeon master...
I have to be impartial,

234
00:08:47,377 --> 00:08:48,511
or the game has no meaning.

235
00:08:48,578 --> 00:08:49,877
Can you just give Neil a new sword?

236
00:08:49,944 --> 00:08:50,977
That sword is one of a kind.

237
00:08:51,044 --> 00:08:52,643
It was forged by my ancestors.

238
00:08:52,710 --> 00:08:54,677
I hump it.

239
00:08:54,743 --> 00:08:57,044
That's it. Pierce, Abed,

240
00:08:57,111 --> 00:08:58,277
I need to talk with you in the hall?

241
00:08:58,344 --> 00:09:00,944
What? Hey...

242
00:09:01,010 --> 00:09:02,111
- Hey!
- That kid in there

243
00:09:02,177 --> 00:09:03,511
is severely depressed.

244
00:09:03,578 --> 00:09:04,977
Oh, yeah, is that what he told you?

245
00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:06,877
From the looks of it,
he's been using that line

246
00:09:06,944 --> 00:09:09,277
since he was five years old
to get an extra slice of pie.

247
00:09:09,344 --> 00:09:11,111
What the hell is wrong with you?

248
00:09:11,177 --> 00:09:13,642
I don't like being excluded, Jeff!

249
00:09:13,643 --> 00:09:14,977
- Do you?
- Yes!

250
00:09:15,044 --> 00:09:18,411
Now, go in there and tell him
you're giving him his sword,

251
00:09:18,478 --> 00:09:20,444
or you are out of the study group.

252
00:09:20,511 --> 00:09:22,478
I'm sick of you threatening me

253
00:09:22,544 --> 00:09:23,877
and talking to me like a kid

254
00:09:23,944 --> 00:09:25,841
and giving me that look you give me

255
00:09:25,842 --> 00:09:27,010
like I can't get erections!

256
00:09:28,111 --> 00:09:28,907
What?

257
00:09:28,908 --> 00:09:30,667
- Abed, I keep running.
- Okay.

258
00:09:30,668 --> 00:09:31,786
But since you're working against the group,

259
00:09:31,787 --> 00:09:33,184
I need to separate you from them.

260
00:09:33,185 --> 00:09:36,967
Good. Who wants to sit with a
bunch of fat crybabies anyway?

261
00:09:37,034 --> 00:09:39,034
Call me when you're ready for my next move.

262
00:09:41,234 --> 00:09:43,100
Pierce refuses to give back the sword.

263
00:09:43,167 --> 00:09:45,601
Our new goal is to find him and kill him.

264
00:09:45,668 --> 00:09:46,800
I think I just want to go home.

265
00:09:46,867 --> 00:09:49,401
Neil, do not do that.

266
00:09:49,467 --> 00:09:51,367
We're gonna get that sword back, okay?

267
00:09:51,434 --> 00:09:54,501
Now, is there a way of moving
faster than he's moving

268
00:09:54,568 --> 00:09:56,067
in his cape of whatever?

269
00:09:56,134 --> 00:09:58,934
I guess if we had a Pegasus.

270
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:00,967
If that's sarcasm, I can't tell,

271
00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:03,434
because everything in this game is silly.

272
00:10:03,501 --> 00:10:05,568
Um, Abed, can we get a Pegasus?

273
00:10:05,634 --> 00:10:07,634
I can't give you information like that.

274
00:10:07,700 --> 00:10:10,434
Well, there's got to be a town nearby.

275
00:10:10,501 --> 00:10:13,134
We will go to that town and ask around...

276
00:10:13,201 --> 00:10:14,234
About a Pegasus!

277
00:10:14,301 --> 00:10:15,201
Huzzah!

278
00:10:15,267 --> 00:10:16,334
Is that right?

279
00:10:17,634 --> 00:10:19,533
And so it was that the group

280
00:10:19,534 --> 00:10:21,747
began to describe themselves walking.

281
00:10:22,601 --> 00:10:25,373
And as they described themselves walking,

282
00:10:25,374 --> 00:10:28,262
so did Abed confirm that they walked...

283
00:10:28,263 --> 00:10:29,140
I walk with them.

284
00:10:29,141 --> 00:10:30,338
Until...

285
00:10:30,339 --> 00:10:33,067
This is a local elf tavern,
but all races are welcome.

286
00:10:33,134 --> 00:10:34,767
Aw!

287
00:10:34,833 --> 00:10:36,434
Okay, it's a crowded and rowdy evening.

288
00:10:36,501 --> 00:10:37,900
Beleaguered gnomes hurry to and fro

289
00:10:37,967 --> 00:10:39,201
with glasses of mead for the thirsty elves.

290
00:10:39,267 --> 00:10:40,967
Beleaguered? Why are they beleaguered?

291
00:10:41,034 --> 00:10:42,601
Who cares?

292
00:10:42,668 --> 00:10:44,301
I find a waiter and introduce myself.

293
00:10:46,301 --> 00:10:48,234
Argy bargy arg barg barg.

294
00:10:48,301 --> 00:10:50,213
- Why is he a pirate?
- He's a gnome.

295
00:10:50,214 --> 00:10:52,934
- He only speaks gnome.
- Anybody here speak gnome?

296
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:54,201
Oh! I do!
Lavernica does.

297
00:10:54,267 --> 00:10:55,733
Oh, this'll be painless.

298
00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:58,034
Hello, my friend and brother.

299
00:10:58,100 --> 00:10:59,800
How can I help you, dear madam?

300
00:10:59,867 --> 00:11:01,828
Oh, please, no need for such deference.

301
00:11:01,829 --> 00:11:02,995
I am no better than a gnome.

302
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:04,100
Yes, you are, madam.

303
00:11:04,167 --> 00:11:05,601
You are a human warrior,

304
00:11:05,668 --> 00:11:08,367
which is five species
classes greater than I.

305
00:11:08,434 --> 00:11:10,733
That's disgusting.
Don't talk like that.

306
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:12,134
I am so sorry, madam!

307
00:11:12,201 --> 00:11:14,201
Please don't report me for execution!

308
00:11:14,267 --> 00:11:15,767
Oh, no, no, no!
I didn't mean that.

309
00:11:15,833 --> 00:11:18,100
Guys, we have got to do
something about these gnomes.

310
00:11:18,167 --> 00:11:19,767
- Um...
- Britta, ask the stupid gnome

311
00:11:19,833 --> 00:11:21,367
where we can get a Pegasus!

312
00:11:21,434 --> 00:11:22,601
Did someone say "Pegasus"?

313
00:11:22,668 --> 00:11:25,000
A word I understand in every language?

314
00:11:29,967 --> 00:11:31,367
Okay, here's all

315
00:11:31,434 --> 00:11:33,201
the Dungeons & Dragons stuff I could find.

316
00:11:33,267 --> 00:11:35,401
I had to carry it all the way from my car.

317
00:11:35,467 --> 00:11:38,867
It's very heavy, and my doctor said...

318
00:11:38,934 --> 00:11:40,534
Ahh!

319
00:11:52,733 --> 00:11:54,394
Following the directions
given to you by the gnome,

320
00:11:54,395 --> 00:11:57,136
- you arrive at a field full
of majestic Pegasi. - Finally.

321
00:11:57,137 --> 00:11:58,167
But they are guarded

322
00:11:58,234 --> 00:12:00,034
by a mysterious and beautiful elf maiden,

323
00:12:00,100 --> 00:12:02,034
who seems drawn to Marrrrrr.

324
00:12:02,100 --> 00:12:04,767
Oh. Okay. Well, I explain
that we need a Pegasus,

325
00:12:04,833 --> 00:12:07,201
and, uh, I don't know,

326
00:12:07,267 --> 00:12:08,867
promise to fill it up
before we bring it back.

327
00:12:08,934 --> 00:12:10,034
She flirts with you.

328
00:12:10,100 --> 00:12:11,534
- I flirt back.
- How?

329
00:12:11,601 --> 00:12:12,800
- I say something sexy.
- Like what?

330
00:12:12,867 --> 00:12:14,367
Abed.

331
00:12:14,434 --> 00:12:17,401
Okay.

332
00:12:17,467 --> 00:12:19,733
Excuse me, I don't normally do this,

333
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:22,967
but you're the most beautiful
creature I've ever seen,

334
00:12:23,034 --> 00:12:25,234
and I would really love a Pegasus.

335
00:12:25,301 --> 00:12:27,100
- Ugh.
- Works for me.

336
00:12:27,167 --> 00:12:28,568
You're very handsome, you know.

337
00:12:28,634 --> 00:12:30,134
Yeah.

338
00:12:30,201 --> 00:12:32,534
Well, you know, I'm not
really comfortable with this.

339
00:12:32,601 --> 00:12:34,234
My stable has a bedding of heather.

340
00:12:34,301 --> 00:12:36,267
Perhaps you'd be more comfortable indoors.

341
00:12:36,334 --> 00:12:37,700
Abed, try to look at what you're doing

342
00:12:37,767 --> 00:12:39,034
and understand that I don't want to.

343
00:12:39,100 --> 00:12:40,501
You've offended the elf maiden.

344
00:12:40,568 --> 00:12:41,733
She seems disinterested in
doing business with you today.

345
00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:42,506
What?

346
00:12:42,507 --> 00:12:44,262
All right, come on, can we just do this?

347
00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:47,267
Hi. Hello.
I am Hector the well-endowed.

348
00:12:47,334 --> 00:12:49,501
You've got a bunch of Pegasi.
Let's make a deal.

349
00:12:49,568 --> 00:12:51,367
What kind of deal?

350
00:12:51,434 --> 00:12:53,034
All right, I take her by the hand

351
00:12:53,100 --> 00:12:54,534
and lead her to the stable.

352
00:12:54,601 --> 00:12:57,067
I light a candle and rip
off a piece of my tunic,

353
00:12:57,134 --> 00:12:58,401
which I fashion into a blindfold.

354
00:12:58,467 --> 00:13:01,301
- Oh, Hector, but I don't know...
- Shh. Shh.

355
00:13:01,367 --> 00:13:04,668
I place it gently over
the elf maiden's eyes.

356
00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:32,700
Okay. You both fall back,
exhausted but still entwined.

357
00:13:32,767 --> 00:13:34,534
Okay, great. I stroke her hair lovingly

358
00:13:34,601 --> 00:13:36,234
and spoon her for the
appropriate amount of time

359
00:13:36,301 --> 00:13:37,601
- before leaving.
- How long is that?

360
00:13:37,668 --> 00:13:39,234
Cool, cool, cool.

361
00:13:39,301 --> 00:13:41,167
All right, the elf maiden,
thoroughly satisfied,

362
00:13:41,234 --> 00:13:42,367
promises you a flock of Pegasi.

363
00:13:42,434 --> 00:13:43,867
Oh, excellent.

364
00:13:43,934 --> 00:13:47,334
You guys can take a break.
I should check on Pierce.

365
00:13:47,401 --> 00:13:49,634
Pierce?

366
00:13:49,700 --> 00:13:51,700
I'm here.

367
00:13:56,167 --> 00:13:57,568
I need to know what you want to do next.

368
00:14:01,100 --> 00:14:04,067
So many things, Abed...

369
00:14:04,134 --> 00:14:06,700
So many things.

370
00:14:07,570 --> 00:14:10,367
Guys...

371
00:14:10,434 --> 00:14:12,367
I am bringing Pierce back into the room,

372
00:14:12,434 --> 00:14:14,601
because while soaring above
the forest of Ingold,

373
00:14:14,668 --> 00:14:17,334
you spot his body in an elven
cloak in a clearing below.

374
00:14:17,401 --> 00:14:19,167
- Ha!
- Ooh!

375
00:14:19,234 --> 00:14:20,367
We got you, dummy!

376
00:14:20,434 --> 00:14:21,733
We land.

377
00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:23,201
You land safely in the wooded clearing.

378
00:14:23,267 --> 00:14:24,434
He is facedown, barely moving,

379
00:14:24,501 --> 00:14:25,700
a pool of blood underneath him.

380
00:14:25,767 --> 00:14:26,934
I can't tell you how long

381
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,501
I've dreamed of this moment... in the game.

382
00:14:28,568 --> 00:14:29,967
Uh, Neil's sword?

383
00:14:30,034 --> 00:14:31,134
Clutched in the right hand of the body

384
00:14:31,201 --> 00:14:32,301
is the sword of Duquesne.

385
00:14:32,367 --> 00:14:34,634
Sir, I believe this is yours.

386
00:14:36,006 --> 00:14:37,063
Thank you, Jeff.

387
00:14:37,064 --> 00:14:38,700
Once you get close enough
to take the sword,

388
00:14:38,767 --> 00:14:39,800
you can see that this body,

389
00:14:39,867 --> 00:14:42,501
while definitely dying, is not Pierce.

390
00:14:42,568 --> 00:14:43,668
What?

391
00:14:43,733 --> 00:14:44,934
I turn it over.

392
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:46,367
It's the gnome waiter from the tavern.

393
00:14:46,434 --> 00:14:48,833
What? No. Why?

394
00:14:48,900 --> 00:14:50,434
Good-bye, my friend.

395
00:14:50,501 --> 00:14:52,501
Thank you for being so
respectful toward me.

396
00:14:52,568 --> 00:14:54,867
Who did this to you, gnome waiter?

397
00:14:54,934 --> 00:14:56,700
I never saw his face.

398
00:14:56,767 --> 00:14:59,934
Just so you know...

399
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,134
My name...

400
00:15:02,201 --> 00:15:03,367
was Kyle.

401
00:15:05,134 --> 00:15:07,000
Kyle.

402
00:15:08,568 --> 00:15:09,967
Britta?

403
00:15:10,034 --> 00:15:12,501
He was an imaginary waiter.

404
00:15:12,568 --> 00:15:14,833
I wouldn't expect you to understand.

405
00:15:17,663 --> 00:15:18,760
Now.

406
00:15:18,761 --> 00:15:21,134
You hear a low rumble on the
other side of the tree line,

407
00:15:21,201 --> 00:15:22,634
followed by a shrill screech

408
00:15:22,700 --> 00:15:24,700
and the beating of heavy
wings against the sky.

409
00:15:24,767 --> 00:15:26,700
Wait, wings?

410
00:15:26,767 --> 00:15:28,201
What's going on?

411
00:15:28,267 --> 00:15:30,434
Tell me, Abed, are you familiar

412
00:15:30,501 --> 00:15:33,334
with the Amburg region of
the Edylmann River basin?

413
00:15:33,401 --> 00:15:34,345
Of course I am.

414
00:15:34,346 --> 00:15:36,733
Then you'll know there's a reflecting pool

415
00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:40,234
with a very special amulet
at the bottom of it...

416
00:15:40,301 --> 00:15:42,967
An amulet that allows the wearer

417
00:15:43,034 --> 00:15:45,434
full control over...

418
00:15:45,501 --> 00:15:46,867
Draconis!

419
00:15:46,934 --> 00:15:48,900
The hideous Draconis, an
all-powerful red dragon,

420
00:15:48,967 --> 00:15:50,767
crashes through the trees
into the clearing.

421
00:15:50,833 --> 00:15:52,934
Riding atop his shoulders,

422
00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:54,401
naked as the day he was born,

423
00:15:54,467 --> 00:15:57,467
and controlling Draconis
with the amulet is...

424
00:15:57,534 --> 00:15:58,767
Say it!

425
00:15:59,776 --> 00:16:00,934
Pierce Hawthorne.

426
00:16:06,601 --> 00:16:08,267
Scream what I told you to scream!

427
00:16:08,334 --> 00:16:10,467
Pierce Hawthorne is my master!

428
00:16:10,534 --> 00:16:12,700
Prepare to meet your doom!

429
00:16:12,767 --> 00:16:15,201
I run towards Pierce with
my broadsword drawn,

430
00:16:15,267 --> 00:16:17,700
- and I attack his...
- Time stop!

431
00:16:17,767 --> 00:16:19,301
"Time stop"?

432
00:16:19,367 --> 00:16:20,833
Draconis has tons of spells.

433
00:16:20,900 --> 00:16:22,668
The six of you are completely
frozen and helpless.

434
00:16:22,733 --> 00:16:24,700
This is why I wanted to
play Chutes and Ladders.

435
00:16:24,767 --> 00:16:26,234
Fine, Pierce. You win.

436
00:16:26,301 --> 00:16:27,867
Just kill us and end this.

437
00:16:27,934 --> 00:16:30,301
Oh, no, killing's too good for you.

438
00:16:30,367 --> 00:16:33,767
Cast "shape change" on Duquesne.

439
00:16:35,467 --> 00:16:36,668
What shape do you choose for him?

440
00:16:36,733 --> 00:16:38,301
Fat.

441
00:16:38,367 --> 00:16:40,034
- Pierce, stop it!
- Pierce!

442
00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:41,467
Duquesne starts gaining weight.

443
00:16:41,534 --> 00:16:43,867
- How much?
- Make him as fat as Fat Neil.

444
00:16:43,934 --> 00:16:45,363
Pierce!

445
00:16:45,364 --> 00:16:47,186
Oh, right, cry.

446
00:16:48,700 --> 00:16:50,301
Let it out.

447
00:16:50,367 --> 00:16:54,568
Baste your chubby cheeks in tears of gravy.

448
00:16:54,634 --> 00:16:57,501
You weren't crying when you
were stealing my friends.

449
00:16:57,568 --> 00:16:59,301
They asked me to come here.

450
00:16:59,367 --> 00:17:00,733
You know why, right?

451
00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:05,100
I've got some fat news for you, Fat Neil.

452
00:17:05,167 --> 00:17:09,034
Don't you know why Jeff
Winger, of all people,

453
00:17:09,100 --> 00:17:12,800
led the charge on the "Fat Neil Feel Good"
committee?

454
00:17:12,867 --> 00:17:14,700
Way over the line, Pierce!

455
00:17:14,767 --> 00:17:16,601
I'll tell you why.

456
00:17:16,668 --> 00:17:18,360
Because I was there.

457
00:17:21,434 --> 00:17:23,034
Where are the bathrooms?

458
00:17:23,100 --> 00:17:24,458
Oh, they're down there by Fat Neil.

459
00:17:27,334 --> 00:17:28,733
That's right, Neil.

460
00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:30,767
Your new best friend, Jeff Winger,

461
00:17:30,833 --> 00:17:34,234
coined the name "Fat Neil."

462
00:17:34,301 --> 00:17:35,401
Jeffrey!

463
00:17:41,356 --> 00:17:43,689
Look, before you respond,
I can make it up to you.

464
00:17:43,756 --> 00:17:45,289
I'll find a fatter Neil.

465
00:17:46,589 --> 00:17:47,489
Huzzah.

466
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:49,933
You made up "Fat Neil"?

467
00:17:49,934 --> 00:17:51,524
Someone asked me where the restrooms were,

468
00:17:51,767 --> 00:17:53,234
and you were standing by them,

469
00:17:53,300 --> 00:17:56,400
but you were also standing
kind of near, uh, other Neil.

470
00:17:56,467 --> 00:17:57,701
So call him Skinny Neil.

471
00:17:57,767 --> 00:17:59,100
He's actually not that skinny.

472
00:17:59,167 --> 00:18:01,100
He's bald! He's black!

473
00:18:01,167 --> 00:18:02,934
Well, I don't look at the
world through that lens.

474
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:05,617
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't be high-roading you.

475
00:18:05,618 --> 00:18:06,671
I'm the bad guy.

476
00:18:06,672 --> 00:18:08,934
Now you can all hang out
in suspended humiliation

477
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:11,501
and think about what you learned today.

478
00:18:11,567 --> 00:18:15,501
One, don't screw with me.

479
00:18:15,567 --> 00:18:18,634
Two, invite me to your crap.

480
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:22,758
Is it my turn?

481
00:18:22,759 --> 00:18:23,902
Yes, but you can't move.

482
00:18:24,535 --> 00:18:27,168
That's fine.

483
00:18:27,234 --> 00:18:30,301
For my turn, I feel sorry
for Pierce Hawthorne.

484
00:18:30,368 --> 00:18:31,165
Save it.

485
00:18:31,166 --> 00:18:32,798
- No, I really do, man.
- Good.

486
00:18:32,864 --> 00:18:35,186
For my turn, I rape the Duquesne family...

487
00:18:35,187 --> 00:18:36,255
Again.

488
00:18:36,256 --> 00:18:37,323
Jeez.

489
00:18:37,324 --> 00:18:39,864
For my turn, I pity Pierce too.

490
00:18:39,931 --> 00:18:42,464
Trust me, kitten, I'm
having the time of my life.

491
00:18:42,531 --> 00:18:44,330
I won.

492
00:18:44,397 --> 00:18:47,297
I won Dungeons & Dragons,
and it was advanced.

493
00:18:47,364 --> 00:18:49,264
- I pity Pierce.
- Knock it off.

494
00:18:49,330 --> 00:18:51,065
Yeah, you really outdid yourself this week.

495
00:18:51,131 --> 00:18:53,497
There's a lot of pain in you.
I seriously feel bad.

496
00:18:53,564 --> 00:18:55,464
Feel sorry for your new fat BFF.

497
00:18:55,531 --> 00:18:56,964
No, we're done doing that.

498
00:18:57,031 --> 00:18:59,698
He's gonna be fine, aren't you, Neil?

499
00:18:59,764 --> 00:19:02,364
You, Pierce, I really worry about,

500
00:19:02,431 --> 00:19:03,698
at least for my turn, anyway.

501
00:19:03,764 --> 00:19:05,998
Well, how about this?
Draconis, unfreeze time.

502
00:19:06,065 --> 00:19:08,397
Done. You guys can move again.

503
00:19:08,464 --> 00:19:09,831
I breathe so much fire on you...

504
00:19:09,898 --> 00:19:11,931
Hold it. You just used your move
unfreezing time.

505
00:19:11,998 --> 00:19:13,397
Neil?

506
00:19:13,464 --> 00:19:15,197
I take the sword of Duquesne,

507
00:19:15,264 --> 00:19:16,464
and I throw it at the amulet

508
00:19:16,531 --> 00:19:18,364
around the sad, naked man's neck.

509
00:19:18,431 --> 00:19:20,698
That's a difficult shot.
You'll need an 18 or higher.

510
00:19:23,698 --> 00:19:24,831
Oh, sweet baby Jesus.

511
00:19:31,931 --> 00:19:33,631
Yeah!

512
00:19:33,698 --> 00:19:36,397
Yes! In your face!

513
00:19:36,464 --> 00:19:37,597
The sword smashes the amulet,

514
00:19:37,664 --> 00:19:39,098
freeing Draconis from its spell.

515
00:19:39,165 --> 00:19:41,698
The red dragon turns his head,
grabs Pierce in his mighty jaws,

516
00:19:41,764 --> 00:19:43,065
and swallows him alive.

517
00:19:43,131 --> 00:19:45,431
- Oh, no!
- Oh, Neil!

518
00:19:46,111 --> 00:19:47,346
As a reward for freeing him,

519
00:19:47,347 --> 00:19:48,930
he flies your intrepid band to his cavern

520
00:19:48,931 --> 00:19:50,031
where he bestows his treasure upon you.

521
00:19:50,098 --> 00:19:51,564
Congratulations on the completion

522
00:19:51,631 --> 00:19:52,831
of "Cavern of Draconis."

523
00:19:52,898 --> 00:19:54,297
I've been your dungeon master.

524
00:19:54,364 --> 00:19:56,065
- I hope you had a good time.
- Whoo!

525
00:19:56,131 --> 00:19:57,264
Excelsior.

526
00:20:06,798 --> 00:20:08,664
Hey.

527
00:20:08,731 --> 00:20:10,964
That was the best game I
ever played in my life.

528
00:20:11,031 --> 00:20:12,597
Don't mention it.

529
00:20:12,664 --> 00:20:13,898
Want to play again next week?

530
00:20:16,065 --> 00:20:17,131
Maybe.

531
00:20:17,197 --> 00:20:20,330
Okay. I'll be around.

532
00:20:20,397 --> 00:20:22,512
And so it was that Pierce Hawthorne

533
00:20:22,513 --> 00:20:25,098
saved the life of Fat Neil,

534
00:20:25,165 --> 00:20:29,098
while learning very, very little.

535
00:20:29,165 --> 00:20:31,998
Good night.

536
00:20:36,404 --> 00:20:38,617
How could you possibly want
giant ears over a tail?

537
00:20:38,618 --> 00:20:40,652
If you had a tail, people could
always tell when you're happy.

538
00:20:40,653 --> 00:20:41,876
Yes, but with giant ears,

539
00:20:41,877 --> 00:20:42,964
you could hear things from miles away,

540
00:20:42,965 --> 00:20:44,621
and you could wear backpacks as earrings,

541
00:20:44,622 --> 00:20:45,922
which would free up your hands.

542
00:20:45,923 --> 00:20:47,401
Backpacks already free up your hands.

543
00:20:47,402 --> 00:20:48,686
Guys, what do you think?

544
00:20:53,453 --> 00:20:55,410
We thought our group was meeting now.

545
00:20:56,459 --> 00:20:58,652
Tail is much better.

546
00:20:58,653 --> 00:20:59,373
Thank you.

547
00:20:59,374 --> 00:21:00,460
All in favor of giant ears?

548
00:21:05,308 --> 00:21:06,844
Mm, told ya.

549
00:21:06,845 --> 00:21:13,043
Sync by YYeTs.net
Corrected by Addic7ed
www.addic7ed.com