1
00:00:04,372 --> 00:00:05,505
Annie, two gifts?
2
00:00:05,556 --> 00:00:06,839
Thank you.
3
00:00:06,891 --> 00:00:08,475
Well, I wanted to get
the baby a doll
4
00:00:08,543 --> 00:00:10,944
and since the father
might be Andre or Chang,
5
00:00:11,012 --> 00:00:13,196
I wanted all
ethnic bases covered.
6
00:00:13,281 --> 00:00:16,416
So there's a little
African-American girl.
7
00:00:19,387 --> 00:00:22,289
And there's a very nice letter
from the manufacturer
8
00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:24,124
promising to expand
their selection.
9
00:00:24,191 --> 00:00:26,026
Oh, is everyone
enjoying their egg rolls
10
00:00:26,093 --> 00:00:27,827
and/or Mieliepap.
11
00:00:27,895 --> 00:00:30,764
A traditional maize porridge
popular in Ghana?
12
00:00:30,831 --> 00:00:33,133
Annie, you are aware that baby
showers can be race neutral.
13
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:35,635
Yes, thank you, Annie,
for trying to be inclusive,
14
00:00:35,703 --> 00:00:39,723
but, um, regardless
of any biological happenstance,
15
00:00:39,807 --> 00:00:41,758
this baby will be raised
by Andre and I.
16
00:00:41,842 --> 00:00:44,511
That's right.
And I seem to recall a story
17
00:00:44,579 --> 00:00:46,012
about a man named Joseph
18
00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:48,014
who happily raised a baby
that wasn't his.
19
00:00:48,082 --> 00:00:50,917
History's greatest chump.
20
00:00:50,985 --> 00:00:53,053
We're talking
about Joe Kennedy, right?
21
00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:55,438
It's cool. If it's mine,
I'll be a lovable uncle.
22
00:00:55,523 --> 00:00:58,191
Okay, a creepy uncle.
Final offer.
23
00:00:58,259 --> 00:01:00,393
This is from me and Troy.
24
00:01:00,461 --> 00:01:01,828
When your child
is a lone scavenger
25
00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:03,129
in the nuclear wasteland,
26
00:01:03,197 --> 00:01:04,731
clean water will be worth
its weight in gold.
27
00:01:04,782 --> 00:01:06,899
Yeah, we wanted to get him
a sawed-off shotgun,
28
00:01:06,951 --> 00:01:09,736
but those are pretty
expensive already.
29
00:01:09,804 --> 00:01:11,371
Sorry.
You people eat this stuff?
30
00:01:11,439 --> 00:01:13,106
I've never seen
that stuff in my life.
31
00:01:13,174 --> 00:01:15,442
You know, you really
shouldn't say "you people."
32
00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:16,443
Oh, it's okay.
33
00:01:16,510 --> 00:01:17,611
Pierce was having trouble
34
00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:19,212
quitting offensive phrases
cold Turkey,
35
00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:20,747
so we've created
a bargaining system.
36
00:01:20,815 --> 00:01:23,783
We traded "you people" for some
of his other favorite phrases.
37
00:01:23,851 --> 00:01:27,220
Yeah, I really got...
Jewish-personed out of that one.
38
00:01:27,288 --> 00:01:30,140
- Here, open mine.
- Thank you.
39
00:01:33,494 --> 00:01:35,829
Oh, a cigar cutter,
40
00:01:35,896 --> 00:01:38,264
"Max" magazine, and hot sauce.
41
00:01:38,332 --> 00:01:39,265
It's a theme gift.
42
00:01:39,333 --> 00:01:40,567
Yeah, I believe the theme is
43
00:01:40,635 --> 00:01:42,102
"stuff lying around
my apartment."
44
00:01:42,169 --> 00:01:43,436
Sorry I'm late.
45
00:01:43,504 --> 00:01:45,989
Can I get a ni hao
up in this hizzy?
46
00:01:46,073 --> 00:01:48,458
Why is everyone in this school
obsessed with race?
47
00:01:48,542 --> 00:01:50,744
White-people problems.
48
00:01:50,811 --> 00:01:53,246
Ooh, that looks fun.
49
00:01:53,314 --> 00:01:55,548
Oh, Troy, Abed,
who was that cute guy
50
00:01:55,616 --> 00:01:57,350
that I saw you
outside with earlier?
51
00:01:57,418 --> 00:01:58,952
Oh, that's Lukka.
That's our new friend.
52
00:01:59,020 --> 00:02:01,087
- He's in Troy's history class.
- Oh, yeah, he's awesome.
53
00:02:01,155 --> 00:02:02,756
He has an accent.
He rolls his own cigarettes.
54
00:02:02,823 --> 00:02:04,357
And he plays
the same video games as us.
55
00:02:04,425 --> 00:02:05,458
We like him a lot.
56
00:02:05,526 --> 00:02:08,294
So you're not allowed
to bone him.
57
00:02:08,362 --> 00:02:10,096
You just guaranteed
she'll bone him.
58
00:02:10,164 --> 00:02:12,432
Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
59
00:02:12,483 --> 00:02:14,484
Mmm.
Ugh, who am I kidding?
60
00:02:14,568 --> 00:02:16,770
I should be putting this
right on my thighs.
61
00:02:44,048 --> 00:02:45,699
Watch out, Abed.
There's a guy on your six.
62
00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:47,517
That's why I'm taking out
my nine millimeter.
63
00:02:47,601 --> 00:02:48,635
Please.
64
00:02:48,703 --> 00:02:50,103
In my country,
we give nine millimeter
65
00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:51,905
to little girl for sweet 16.
66
00:02:51,972 --> 00:02:53,840
- Try grenade launcher.
- Cool.
67
00:02:56,377 --> 00:02:58,678
Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.
68
00:02:58,729 --> 00:03:00,547
Knock, knock.
69
00:03:00,614 --> 00:03:02,382
Hey, I was just stopping by.
70
00:03:02,450 --> 00:03:04,217
Oh, is this a bad time?
71
00:03:04,285 --> 00:03:05,218
Yeah.
72
00:03:05,286 --> 00:03:06,386
Gentlemen, it's no way
73
00:03:06,454 --> 00:03:08,254
to treat a girl
that looks this way.
74
00:03:08,322 --> 00:03:09,289
Come in.
75
00:03:09,356 --> 00:03:11,074
- I'm Lukka.
- Britta.
76
00:03:11,158 --> 00:03:12,492
Like, uh, Britney Spears.
77
00:03:12,543 --> 00:03:14,411
Exactly like Britney Spears.
78
00:03:20,584 --> 00:03:22,268
Britta was just leaving.
79
00:03:22,336 --> 00:03:23,586
No, no, no, stay.
80
00:03:23,671 --> 00:03:25,872
Visit with your friends.
I must go anyway.
81
00:03:25,940 --> 00:03:28,174
- Oh!
- Yes, I'm cooking Podvarak.
82
00:03:28,225 --> 00:03:30,276
- Oh, I've never had that.
- I could make for you.
83
00:03:30,344 --> 00:03:32,262
Okay, I'll give you my number.
84
00:03:32,346 --> 00:03:34,848
You are her boyfriends?
85
00:03:36,050 --> 00:03:37,517
I love these guys.
86
00:03:37,585 --> 00:03:39,569
They make funny
with their mouths.
87
00:03:39,653 --> 00:03:41,187
Here you go.
88
00:03:41,255 --> 00:03:44,057
- I leave.
- Okay.
89
00:03:44,125 --> 00:03:45,158
What?
90
00:03:45,226 --> 00:03:47,026
- He asked me out.
- You're not allowed.
91
00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:48,428
- Not allowed?
- You'll ruin him.
92
00:03:48,496 --> 00:03:49,763
- I'll ruin him?
- Stop repeating.
93
00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:51,414
Stop rep...rimanding me,
94
00:03:51,499 --> 00:03:52,766
and explain why I'll ruin him.
95
00:03:52,833 --> 00:03:54,801
Britta, you date guys
that we think are cool,
96
00:03:54,869 --> 00:03:56,703
and when you decide
you don't like them anymore,
97
00:03:56,771 --> 00:03:58,037
you tell us
horrible things about them
98
00:03:58,105 --> 00:03:59,038
that we can never unhear.
99
00:03:59,106 --> 00:04:00,240
Name one guy I did that with.
100
00:04:00,307 --> 00:04:03,109
- That one dude, tall Kyle.
- Jeff.
101
00:04:03,177 --> 00:04:04,611
Jeff?
I ruined Jeff?
102
00:04:04,678 --> 00:04:06,546
Oh, you mean
Jeff "nipple play" winger?
103
00:04:06,597 --> 00:04:08,581
No, as you can see, we're still
hanging out with him.
104
00:04:08,649 --> 00:04:10,116
How's it going, Jeff?
105
00:04:10,184 --> 00:04:11,384
Promise me
you won't date Lukka,
106
00:04:11,435 --> 00:04:12,752
and I'll give you one of these.
107
00:04:12,803 --> 00:04:14,637
It's a sweatshirt I made
108
00:04:14,722 --> 00:04:16,623
for everyone who was part of the
paintball adventure last year.
109
00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:17,991
You should have given me
110
00:04:18,058 --> 00:04:19,592
one of those a long time ago.
I kicked your asses.
111
00:04:23,197 --> 00:04:25,982
Don't date Lukka.
112
00:04:26,066 --> 00:04:27,667
"Hit my genie bottle"?
113
00:04:27,735 --> 00:04:30,603
What the... what was that?
114
00:04:30,654 --> 00:04:31,988
Ooh, ooh, Jeff, Jeff,
115
00:04:32,072 --> 00:04:33,990
I was, um, hoping
you can help me with something?
116
00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:36,242
Sure.
Let's have a look here.
117
00:04:36,310 --> 00:04:37,994
Let's see, uh, pieces of paper,
118
00:04:38,078 --> 00:04:39,579
stapled together,
lot of writing.
119
00:04:39,647 --> 00:04:41,080
I'm afraid this is
as far as I can go.
120
00:04:41,132 --> 00:04:42,916
No, no, no, I don't want
you to read it, Jeff.
121
00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:44,751
I want you to help me
get Chang to sign it.
122
00:04:44,802 --> 00:04:46,052
It's a little
something-something
123
00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:47,170
I had an attorney draw up.
124
00:04:47,254 --> 00:04:48,454
This little
something-something
125
00:04:48,522 --> 00:04:50,023
is a forfeiture
of parental rights.
126
00:04:50,090 --> 00:04:51,891
Mm-hmm.
Better safe than sorry.
127
00:04:51,959 --> 00:04:53,359
Why do you need me
to make Chang
128
00:04:53,427 --> 00:04:54,477
sign away
his hypothetical baby?
129
00:04:54,562 --> 00:04:56,295
Isn't he sort of
living with you?
130
00:04:56,347 --> 00:04:58,181
- Not cool, Shirley.
- You have a rapport with him...
131
00:04:58,265 --> 00:04:59,532
Not cool, Shirley.
132
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:01,518
Besides, as your friend,
can I tell you,
133
00:05:01,602 --> 00:05:02,969
don't poke that bear.
134
00:05:03,037 --> 00:05:04,354
I mean, I think right now
135
00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:06,272
you're as protected
as you can get.
136
00:05:06,323 --> 00:05:07,740
I don't see Chang as being
137
00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:08,942
a real hands-on
baby daddy.
138
00:05:09,009 --> 00:05:11,027
Oh, so now we're all
in the business
139
00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:13,413
of knowing what's going on
in Chang's head, huh?
140
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:14,697
Huh?
141
00:05:19,503 --> 00:05:21,320
Fine.
For the child.
142
00:05:21,372 --> 00:05:23,039
- God bless you.
- Not lately.
143
00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:30,847
Oh, I'm, um...
Oh, I'm so sorry,
144
00:05:30,931 --> 00:05:34,267
but could you just
not tell Troy and Abed
145
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:35,535
that we went out tonight?
146
00:05:35,603 --> 00:05:37,170
No problem.
147
00:05:37,238 --> 00:05:39,239
It's just, um...
They're just really worried
148
00:05:39,306 --> 00:05:41,741
if you and I,
you know, see each other
149
00:05:41,809 --> 00:05:44,343
that it's somehow gonna affect
your friendship with them.
150
00:05:44,395 --> 00:05:46,312
Hey, don't worry.
Don't worry.
151
00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:48,514
I can keep a secret.
152
00:05:48,582 --> 00:05:49,949
I'm from the Balkans.
153
00:05:50,017 --> 00:05:52,252
There are many things
I try not to talk about.
154
00:05:54,355 --> 00:05:55,855
Lukka...
155
00:05:55,923 --> 00:05:57,390
I knew it.
156
00:05:57,458 --> 00:06:00,026
I knew there was pain in there.
157
00:06:00,094 --> 00:06:01,360
Just so you know,
158
00:06:01,412 --> 00:06:03,229
you can talk to me
about anything.
159
00:06:05,366 --> 00:06:07,567
So much killing...
160
00:06:07,635 --> 00:06:11,204
The corpses
stacked like firewood,
161
00:06:11,272 --> 00:06:13,439
the rivers red
with their blood...
162
00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:15,041
I miss it so much.
163
00:06:15,092 --> 00:06:17,277
Oh, Lukka.
164
00:06:17,344 --> 00:06:19,896
Mm. Wait, just, um...
Just to clarify,
165
00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:21,380
when you say you miss it,
166
00:06:21,432 --> 00:06:23,549
it's like... like you have
survivor's guilt,
167
00:06:23,617 --> 00:06:25,435
like you wish you were
back over there
168
00:06:25,519 --> 00:06:26,786
defending
the motherland, right?
169
00:06:26,854 --> 00:06:29,722
Yes, I-I miss cleansing
our fields and forests
170
00:06:29,790 --> 00:06:31,791
of the unclean people
who stole my country.
171
00:06:31,859 --> 00:06:35,762
I miss the smell
of the villages burning.
172
00:06:37,164 --> 00:06:41,401
I miss the way they used to run
from our tanks in fear.
173
00:06:43,337 --> 00:06:44,771
Ah, damn it.
174
00:06:44,838 --> 00:06:47,123
My neighbor is jazz musician.
175
00:06:47,207 --> 00:06:48,775
Hey, Spencer, come on, man.
176
00:06:48,842 --> 00:06:50,543
I got woman in here!
177
00:06:52,179 --> 00:06:53,212
Great.
178
00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:54,914
He really knows
how to kill the mood.
179
00:07:00,638 --> 00:07:02,889
What are you doing?
Did you look for a job today?
180
00:07:02,957 --> 00:07:04,123
I was going to,
181
00:07:04,191 --> 00:07:05,942
but I noticed
your coffee table's wobbly,
182
00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:08,695
so I decided to fix it.
183
00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:10,897
Ugh!
184
00:07:10,965 --> 00:07:13,733
It must be the floor.
185
00:07:13,801 --> 00:07:15,868
Don't saw the floor.
Don't saw anything.
186
00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:19,122
I'm tired of confiscating saws.
Give me that.
187
00:07:19,206 --> 00:07:23,076
Take this.
188
00:07:23,127 --> 00:07:25,244
"Parental rights"?
189
00:07:25,312 --> 00:07:27,747
- You're adopting me?
- It's from Shirley.
190
00:07:27,815 --> 00:07:29,582
It gives her
and Andre the baby.
191
00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:31,451
Sign it.
192
00:07:31,518 --> 00:07:33,086
Oh, and if anyone asks,
193
00:07:33,137 --> 00:07:35,388
this was my most convincing
speech ever.
194
00:07:41,428 --> 00:07:44,514
Why are you crying?
195
00:07:44,598 --> 00:07:45,865
Ugh.
196
00:07:45,933 --> 00:07:48,434
Don't tell me you actually
wanted to be a father.
197
00:07:48,485 --> 00:07:50,837
I don't know.
198
00:07:50,904 --> 00:07:52,689
Maybe.
199
00:07:52,773 --> 00:07:55,441
I mean, what if this
is my last chance?
200
00:07:55,509 --> 00:07:58,544
I mean, between you and me,
I don't Chang a lot of chicks.
201
00:07:58,612 --> 00:08:01,381
But fathers are responsible.
They have jobs.
202
00:08:01,448 --> 00:08:03,583
You, you crash
on people's couches
203
00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:05,885
and twitch in your sleep
like a dog dreaming of a rabbit.
204
00:08:05,953 --> 00:08:07,754
It's real!
You don't...
205
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:09,889
Wait.
206
00:08:09,957 --> 00:08:14,794
So you're saying if I get a job
and my own apartment,
207
00:08:14,862 --> 00:08:18,831
Shirley might let me be part
of my baby's life?
208
00:08:21,602 --> 00:08:23,736
Yes.
209
00:08:23,804 --> 00:08:27,106
That's exactly what I'm saying.
210
00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:29,575
- So does that mean I can...?
- Go for it.
211
00:08:31,478 --> 00:08:33,512
Where do you keep
getting these?
212
00:08:38,994 --> 00:08:40,528
Hey, guys, where are you going?
213
00:08:40,579 --> 00:08:41,829
We're grabbing lunch
214
00:08:41,896 --> 00:08:43,364
for a marathon video game
session with Lukka.
215
00:08:43,415 --> 00:08:45,866
Lots of fork foods... don't want
to grease up the troops.
216
00:08:45,934 --> 00:08:47,785
Oh, speaking of Lukka,
217
00:08:47,869 --> 00:08:50,037
how much do you guys know
about him, anyway?
218
00:08:50,105 --> 00:08:51,472
- Why?
- Did you start dating him,
219
00:08:51,540 --> 00:08:53,574
and now you want to tell us
horrible things about him?
220
00:08:53,642 --> 00:08:55,276
What? No.
221
00:08:55,343 --> 00:08:57,078
Good, 'cause Lukka's gonna
teach us how to break the will
222
00:08:57,145 --> 00:08:58,612
of an entire village
by killing their livestock
223
00:08:58,680 --> 00:08:59,964
and desecrating
their places of worship.
224
00:09:00,048 --> 00:09:01,081
That sounds horrific.
225
00:09:01,133 --> 00:09:03,117
Ugh. Girls are
so un-desensitized.
226
00:09:07,389 --> 00:09:10,224
Jeffrey.
227
00:09:10,292 --> 00:09:11,792
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, man.
228
00:09:11,860 --> 00:09:13,494
Hi. So, um,
how'd that little talk go
229
00:09:13,562 --> 00:09:14,495
with Chang last night?
230
00:09:14,563 --> 00:09:15,596
Yeah, about that, Shirley,
231
00:09:15,664 --> 00:09:17,164
I gave my most
convincing speech ever,
232
00:09:17,232 --> 00:09:18,766
- and it didn't take.
- Didn't take?
233
00:09:18,834 --> 00:09:20,367
We're not giving him
a perm, Jeff.
234
00:09:20,435 --> 00:09:21,819
We just need to him
to sign a contract.
235
00:09:21,903 --> 00:09:24,038
Well, "need" is...
Is a strong word.
236
00:09:24,106 --> 00:09:25,772
I think Shirley would feel
more comfortable
237
00:09:25,824 --> 00:09:27,174
if we had something in writing.
238
00:09:27,242 --> 00:09:29,777
However,
I believe that we can handle
239
00:09:29,845 --> 00:09:31,879
whatever obstacle
comes our way.
240
00:09:31,947 --> 00:09:33,497
Aw, baby.
241
00:09:33,582 --> 00:09:36,634
Well, good,
good morning, everybody.
242
00:09:36,718 --> 00:09:38,152
Did you see
the stock market today?
243
00:09:38,220 --> 00:09:40,955
Up, down...
Pick a direction, huh?
244
00:09:41,022 --> 00:09:42,590
Man, I don't know
about you guys,
245
00:09:42,657 --> 00:09:44,592
but I've been circling
these want ads all morning.
246
00:09:44,659 --> 00:09:47,961
Now, who wants to take a break
and build a birdhouse?
247
00:09:48,013 --> 00:09:49,597
Chang, what's going on?
248
00:09:49,648 --> 00:09:50,931
I'm just getting
my act together.
249
00:09:50,982 --> 00:09:52,132
I got a baby coming.
250
00:09:52,184 --> 00:09:54,134
I can almost hear
the pitter-patter
251
00:09:54,186 --> 00:09:56,637
of little Chinese feet
across the treetops.
252
00:09:56,688 --> 00:09:58,105
And when that happens,
253
00:09:58,156 --> 00:10:00,608
I got to be
the best dad I can be.
254
00:10:00,659 --> 00:10:02,159
Right, Jeff, huh?
255
00:10:02,244 --> 00:10:04,195
Come on,
don't leave me hanging,
256
00:10:04,279 --> 00:10:05,679
my main mentor.
257
00:10:05,747 --> 00:10:07,481
Oh, hey,
is that a reason to leave?
258
00:10:07,532 --> 00:10:09,033
- Hmm?
- Jeffrey? Excuse me.
259
00:10:09,117 --> 00:10:10,651
Jeffrey!
260
00:10:10,702 --> 00:10:12,819
Let me ask you a question,
dad-to-dad.
261
00:10:12,871 --> 00:10:15,706
Why do I have to put
the vcr on three
262
00:10:15,790 --> 00:10:17,725
Bon is on five?
263
00:10:17,792 --> 00:10:19,210
Hmm?
264
00:10:19,294 --> 00:10:21,879
Jeff! Jeffrey!
265
00:10:21,963 --> 00:10:25,633
I know you not gonna make
a pregnant woman run.
266
00:10:28,603 --> 00:10:30,304
I know you not gonna make
a pregnant woman
267
00:10:30,372 --> 00:10:34,275
walk this distance between us.
268
00:10:34,342 --> 00:10:35,743
So I ask you to help me,
269
00:10:35,810 --> 00:10:37,228
and you take that
as an opportunity
270
00:10:37,312 --> 00:10:38,845
to get Chang
out of your apartment?
271
00:10:38,897 --> 00:10:40,397
Hey, who am I to stand
in the way
272
00:10:40,482 --> 00:10:42,216
of someone trying
to put their life together?
273
00:10:42,284 --> 00:10:43,868
- What am I, daytime television?
- Very cute, Jeff.
274
00:10:43,952 --> 00:10:45,452
Well, how cute is it gonna be
275
00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:47,288
when that lunatic
is dangling my baby
276
00:10:47,355 --> 00:10:49,023
over a lion cage
on alternate weekends?
277
00:10:49,090 --> 00:10:51,158
Could be pretty cute.
Are they baby lions?
278
00:10:51,226 --> 00:10:53,360
New low, Jeff, even for you.
279
00:10:53,411 --> 00:10:55,963
Shirley...
280
00:10:56,031 --> 00:10:58,432
Right. I'm not gonna make
a pregnant woman storm off?
281
00:10:58,500 --> 00:11:00,668
Mm-mm.
282
00:11:00,719 --> 00:11:02,069
Look at them run.
283
00:11:02,137 --> 00:11:04,038
They must die like
the maggots that they are.
284
00:11:04,105 --> 00:11:05,739
Whoa, Lukka, I didn't know
we got extra points
285
00:11:05,807 --> 00:11:07,208
- for killing villagers.
- He's amazing.
286
00:11:07,275 --> 00:11:09,009
And I thought I knew everything
about this game.
287
00:11:09,077 --> 00:11:10,594
Britta.
288
00:11:10,679 --> 00:11:11,612
Hi, Lukka.
289
00:11:11,680 --> 00:11:13,514
- No!
- Unbelievable.
290
00:11:13,565 --> 00:11:15,482
Guys, calm down.
I'm just here
291
00:11:15,550 --> 00:11:19,687
for my "trekkies do it
in the final frontier" hat.
292
00:11:19,754 --> 00:11:20,688
That's my hat.
293
00:11:20,739 --> 00:11:22,056
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
294
00:11:22,123 --> 00:11:23,490
- Are you sure?
- Yep.
295
00:11:27,746 --> 00:11:31,098
Hey, Lukka, you are
really good at this game,
296
00:11:31,166 --> 00:11:34,702
and there must be a reason that
you are so good at this game.
297
00:11:34,769 --> 00:11:37,171
Britta, though your flirtation
technique is hilarious,
298
00:11:37,238 --> 00:11:38,255
it's distracting.
299
00:11:38,340 --> 00:11:40,341
Lukka is kicking
serious ass right now.
300
00:11:40,408 --> 00:11:42,076
He just set fire
to a farmers market.
301
00:11:42,143 --> 00:11:44,345
Bang, bang, you're dead!
302
00:11:44,412 --> 00:11:47,648
Save your tears
for your dog mother in hell!
303
00:11:49,217 --> 00:11:51,251
Okay, fine.
304
00:11:51,303 --> 00:11:53,887
Wait a minute.
305
00:11:53,955 --> 00:11:56,307
You have DVD blu-ray disc
306
00:11:56,391 --> 00:11:58,525
"The Final Kickening."
307
00:11:58,593 --> 00:11:59,827
You let me borrow, no?
308
00:11:59,894 --> 00:12:01,195
Ah, no can do, Lukka.
Sorry.
309
00:12:01,263 --> 00:12:02,396
Thanks to guys like Pierce
310
00:12:02,464 --> 00:12:04,164
who kept writing "this side up"
on all my disks,
311
00:12:04,232 --> 00:12:06,033
I have a strict
no-lending policy on my DVDs.
312
00:12:06,101 --> 00:12:08,469
What would happen
if somebody broke that rule?
313
00:12:08,536 --> 00:12:10,654
They'd be dead to me forever.
314
00:12:10,739 --> 00:12:12,740
Maybe we watch
"The Final Kickening"
315
00:12:12,807 --> 00:12:13,741
together sometime.
316
00:12:13,808 --> 00:12:15,960
Yes, Lukka, maybe we do.
317
00:12:16,044 --> 00:12:18,345
May...Be...
318
00:12:18,413 --> 00:12:21,015
We...Do.
319
00:12:21,082 --> 00:12:25,119
Would you please leave?
320
00:12:25,186 --> 00:12:26,453
I don't want to play anymore.
321
00:12:26,521 --> 00:12:28,255
- I feel sick.
- She's strange.
322
00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:34,194
Hey, Chang, can I talk
to you for a second?
323
00:12:34,262 --> 00:12:36,630
Sorry, can't talk
till I see my face in this.
324
00:12:36,681 --> 00:12:38,932
Well, can I give you
some advice...
325
00:12:38,984 --> 00:12:40,234
Dad-to-dad?
326
00:12:40,302 --> 00:12:41,568
Oh, hold on, hold on, hold on.
327
00:12:41,636 --> 00:12:43,604
My pipe. Okay.
328
00:12:46,408 --> 00:12:47,941
What's on your mind, neighbor?
329
00:12:48,009 --> 00:12:49,827
Look, I think it's great
that you're trying to get
330
00:12:49,911 --> 00:12:51,161
your life together, right?
331
00:12:51,246 --> 00:12:53,197
But for your sake
and for Shirley's,
332
00:12:53,281 --> 00:12:55,115
I think you just need
to relax a little.
333
00:12:55,183 --> 00:12:56,950
Oh, I see what's going on.
334
00:12:57,018 --> 00:12:58,318
You're scared.
335
00:12:58,370 --> 00:12:59,987
Feel me coming up
on your tail, huh?
336
00:13:00,055 --> 00:13:01,221
No... no, no.
337
00:13:01,289 --> 00:13:04,291
Man, listen, I've been a father
for 11 years,
338
00:13:04,342 --> 00:13:06,193
and a good one for 9 of those.
339
00:13:06,261 --> 00:13:07,728
Now, I'm there
when they're sick.
340
00:13:07,796 --> 00:13:09,897
I pick 'em up from school,
help 'em with their homework.
341
00:13:09,964 --> 00:13:12,032
See, Chang,
it's not how you act,
342
00:13:12,100 --> 00:13:13,801
it's what you do.
343
00:13:13,852 --> 00:13:15,269
Well, I do.
344
00:13:15,336 --> 00:13:19,172
You think that pool table
put aluminum siding on itself?
345
00:13:19,224 --> 00:13:20,574
Ow.
346
00:13:20,642 --> 00:13:23,310
Uh, yeah, see, that's not
what I'm talking about.
347
00:13:23,378 --> 00:13:25,979
It just ripped.
348
00:13:26,047 --> 00:13:29,149
I'll go ahead
and consider that point missed.
349
00:13:32,153 --> 00:13:33,554
I got your text.
What's going on?
350
00:13:33,621 --> 00:13:35,155
Something terrible
has happened.
351
00:13:35,206 --> 00:13:36,907
My "The Final Kickening" DVD
352
00:13:36,991 --> 00:13:37,958
is missing.
353
00:13:38,025 --> 00:13:38,992
Oh, that's awful.
354
00:13:39,060 --> 00:13:41,028
Somebody took it?
Who would...
355
00:13:41,096 --> 00:13:44,031
Wait.
"Kickmuncher 3"?
356
00:13:44,099 --> 00:13:47,301
Wasn't that the movie
that Lukka was...?
357
00:13:47,369 --> 00:13:49,470
You don't think...?
358
00:13:49,537 --> 00:13:51,338
Unless...
359
00:13:51,406 --> 00:13:53,807
You don't suppose...?
However...
360
00:13:53,875 --> 00:13:54,942
No.
361
00:13:55,009 --> 00:13:56,443
That would mean that you guys
362
00:13:56,511 --> 00:13:59,446
would have to stop
hanging out... no!
363
00:13:59,514 --> 00:14:01,899
We have video of you
taking the DVD, Britta.
364
00:14:01,983 --> 00:14:03,751
What?
365
00:14:10,258 --> 00:14:12,259
You have a security camera
in your room?
366
00:14:12,327 --> 00:14:13,861
It's for an extremely
thorough documentary
367
00:14:13,912 --> 00:14:15,062
I'm making on my life.
368
00:14:15,130 --> 00:14:16,630
It's mostly footage
of me watching dailies,
369
00:14:16,698 --> 00:14:18,098
but every once in a while
it comes in handy.
370
00:14:18,166 --> 00:14:19,533
I don't understand
why you would do this
371
00:14:19,601 --> 00:14:20,701
and then
try to pin it on Lukka.
372
00:14:20,769 --> 00:14:22,402
Now you're just ruining
cool guys for fun.
373
00:14:22,454 --> 00:14:23,904
It's just cruelty, Britta.
374
00:14:23,972 --> 00:14:26,140
You're inhuman.
You're an inhuman person.
375
00:14:26,207 --> 00:14:27,240
You're a monster.
376
00:14:27,292 --> 00:14:28,609
Lukka's a monster for realsies.
377
00:14:28,676 --> 00:14:30,377
I did this so you guys
would stop hanging out with him.
378
00:14:30,445 --> 00:14:31,578
He's a war criminal!
379
00:14:31,646 --> 00:14:33,313
You're embarrassing
yourself, Britta.
380
00:14:33,381 --> 00:14:35,082
In what war is he a criminal...
381
00:14:35,150 --> 00:14:37,251
The battle for our affections?
382
00:14:37,318 --> 00:14:39,636
Uh, how about the genocide
in the Balkans?
383
00:14:39,721 --> 00:14:40,954
Hmm, yeah, you would say that.
384
00:14:41,022 --> 00:14:43,640
You just got caught
red-handed borrowing a DVD
385
00:14:43,725 --> 00:14:46,326
without permission.
386
00:14:47,946 --> 00:14:49,480
You guys have to believe me.
387
00:14:49,564 --> 00:14:52,900
He's so much worse
than tall Kyle!
388
00:15:01,943 --> 00:15:04,294
Hey, Jefe.
389
00:15:04,379 --> 00:15:05,629
Hola.
390
00:15:05,713 --> 00:15:07,247
What are you doing?
Who are these tiny people?
391
00:15:07,315 --> 00:15:09,166
I picked up Shirley's kids
from school,
392
00:15:09,250 --> 00:15:11,118
and I'm helping them
with their Spanish homework.
393
00:15:11,186 --> 00:15:12,669
- Hey, kids.
- Ooh!
394
00:15:12,754 --> 00:15:15,639
Ow.
Watch the cardigan.
395
00:15:15,723 --> 00:15:17,007
What? Why?
396
00:15:17,091 --> 00:15:18,525
To prove I'm a responsible dad.
397
00:15:18,593 --> 00:15:19,860
This proves you're a kidnapper.
398
00:15:19,928 --> 00:15:22,095
- What the hell's wrong with you?
- I am nuts, Jeff!
399
00:15:22,147 --> 00:15:23,347
Get with the program!
400
00:15:23,431 --> 00:15:24,731
Oh, my God.
What have I done?
401
00:15:24,799 --> 00:15:27,401
I can't believe I actually said
you could be a father.
402
00:15:27,468 --> 00:15:28,802
- I can be.
- Oh, no, you can't.
403
00:15:28,870 --> 00:15:31,021
You can't be anything,
and you never will.
404
00:15:31,105 --> 00:15:32,706
I pretended
to have faith in you
405
00:15:32,774 --> 00:15:35,108
to get you off my couch
and out of my apartment.
406
00:15:35,176 --> 00:15:37,194
Now, call Shirley
and beg forgiveness.
407
00:15:37,278 --> 00:15:39,696
Kids, why don't you get
your stuff together?
408
00:15:39,781 --> 00:15:41,865
I'll take you home.
409
00:15:43,868 --> 00:15:44,868
Who's Shirley?
410
00:15:44,953 --> 00:15:46,987
Shirley's your mom, dumbass.
411
00:15:47,055 --> 00:15:48,322
Our mom's name is Loquanda.
412
00:15:48,389 --> 00:15:50,424
Hey, hey, that's racist.
413
00:15:50,492 --> 00:15:53,093
Wait. Is your mom's name
really Loquanda?
414
00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:55,028
Yeah. You said you were
a friend of hers.
415
00:15:55,096 --> 00:15:57,397
Why didn't you know that,
dumbass?
416
00:15:57,465 --> 00:15:59,165
I do! I...
417
00:15:59,217 --> 00:16:01,268
Just playing
a educational game with you!
418
00:16:01,336 --> 00:16:03,103
- Right.
- Don't give me that lip.
419
00:16:03,170 --> 00:16:04,872
Hey, kids, you mind waiting
in the hallway?
420
00:16:04,939 --> 00:16:07,474
- Yeah, no problem.
- Go ahead.
421
00:16:07,525 --> 00:16:09,543
I want you to understand
something while I'm gone.
422
00:16:09,611 --> 00:16:11,345
You are a horrible human being,
423
00:16:11,412 --> 00:16:13,981
and I will never feel sorry
for you again.
424
00:16:14,048 --> 00:16:15,282
I don't care
what happens to you,
425
00:16:15,350 --> 00:16:18,285
and when I get back,
I want you gone.
426
00:16:18,353 --> 00:16:19,586
Oh, believe me,
427
00:16:19,654 --> 00:16:22,789
I will definitely be far,
far away from here.
428
00:16:26,394 --> 00:16:29,396
Hi, policeman,
how much do you pay
429
00:16:29,464 --> 00:16:32,599
for anonymous tips
about kidnappings?
430
00:16:43,769 --> 00:16:48,106
Here's your wallet, keys,
and pasties.
431
00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:49,724
They're nipple guards
for running.
432
00:16:49,809 --> 00:16:51,025
Olympic athletes use them.
433
00:16:51,110 --> 00:16:52,544
Buddy, I worked
at a maximum-security prison
434
00:16:52,611 --> 00:16:53,912
for seven years,
435
00:16:53,979 --> 00:16:55,780
and those are still
the gayest thing I've ever seen.
436
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,149
Well, I find that
hard to believe.
437
00:16:58,217 --> 00:17:00,235
Jeffrey, I spoke
to the boys' mother.
438
00:17:00,319 --> 00:17:02,220
She's not gonna press charges.
Are you okay?
439
00:17:02,288 --> 00:17:03,388
Oh, I'm fine.
440
00:17:03,456 --> 00:17:05,173
I spent the night
learning arts and crafts
441
00:17:05,241 --> 00:17:06,908
from my cell mate, Chabo.
442
00:17:06,976 --> 00:17:08,326
Did you know
you can make an ashtray
443
00:17:08,394 --> 00:17:10,195
using only a cigarette
and a snitch's forehead?
444
00:17:10,262 --> 00:17:12,464
Yeah.
445
00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:15,800
Look, uh, Shirley, I'm...
446
00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:17,502
I'm sorry I tried to capitalize
447
00:17:17,570 --> 00:17:19,304
on your situation with Chang.
448
00:17:19,371 --> 00:17:20,772
Apology accepted.
449
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:22,707
Punishment is time served.
450
00:17:22,775 --> 00:17:24,476
There's no cell on earth
that can hold Chang!
451
00:17:24,543 --> 00:17:27,211
I know this place's secrets.
452
00:17:27,263 --> 00:17:30,515
Winger!
Thank God you're all right!
453
00:17:30,583 --> 00:17:32,817
I've been looking all...
Hey, Tracy. What's up, baby?
454
00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:34,435
Why are they arresting Chang?
455
00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:36,321
I thought you said Loquanda
wasn't pressing charges.
456
00:17:36,388 --> 00:17:37,522
Mm-hmm, not against Jeff,
457
00:17:37,573 --> 00:17:39,073
but I talked her
into going after Chang
458
00:17:39,158 --> 00:17:40,458
for child endangerment.
459
00:17:40,526 --> 00:17:42,427
Shirley, he could get
three to five years for that.
460
00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:44,162
Are you sure
that's what you want?
461
00:17:44,230 --> 00:17:45,597
Because if we put
our heads together,
462
00:17:45,664 --> 00:17:47,031
we could be rid of him
for 20 to life.
463
00:17:47,099 --> 00:17:48,867
- Really?
- Oh, absolutely.
464
00:17:48,934 --> 00:17:50,335
All I'd have to do is testify
465
00:17:50,402 --> 00:17:52,036
that he tried
to sell those kids to me
466
00:17:52,104 --> 00:17:54,072
and throw in the fact that
he was teaching them Spanish,
467
00:17:54,139 --> 00:17:55,573
and any d.A. Worth his salt
468
00:17:55,641 --> 00:17:57,075
can make a case
for human trafficking.
469
00:17:57,142 --> 00:17:59,594
I like how you thinking.
470
00:17:59,678 --> 00:18:01,079
What is wrong with you two?
471
00:18:01,146 --> 00:18:02,580
Why are you doing this
to Chang?
472
00:18:02,648 --> 00:18:04,349
Andre, I'm doing this for us.
473
00:18:04,416 --> 00:18:05,750
We have a second chance
for our family,
474
00:18:05,818 --> 00:18:07,218
and I just want
everything to be perfect.
475
00:18:07,269 --> 00:18:10,088
Baby, that's what you wanted
the first time around.
476
00:18:10,155 --> 00:18:12,557
You did everything in your power
to make everything perfect,
477
00:18:12,625 --> 00:18:13,758
and look what happened.
478
00:18:13,826 --> 00:18:15,093
Are you trying
to tell me you cheated
479
00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:16,728
because I wanted what was best
for our family?
480
00:18:16,795 --> 00:18:19,163
No, I cheated
because I was a coward.
481
00:18:19,231 --> 00:18:21,599
But you took me back,
because while I was gone,
482
00:18:21,667 --> 00:18:24,402
somehow you learned to accept
the bad with the good.
483
00:18:24,470 --> 00:18:26,504
Oh, that's
the Greendale effect.
484
00:18:26,572 --> 00:18:28,640
Our school motto
is "lower your standards."
485
00:18:28,707 --> 00:18:31,459
Look, look,
I know you are ashamed
486
00:18:31,544 --> 00:18:32,911
about what happened with Chang.
487
00:18:32,978 --> 00:18:34,913
Hell, I am too, all right?
488
00:18:34,980 --> 00:18:36,247
But locking that little man up
489
00:18:36,298 --> 00:18:38,516
is not gonna make our lives
any less crazy.
490
00:18:38,584 --> 00:18:41,119
It'll only make prison crazier.
491
00:18:41,186 --> 00:18:42,654
I guess you're right.
492
00:18:42,721 --> 00:18:45,623
It's impossible to keep
the chaos from your lives.
493
00:18:45,691 --> 00:18:47,392
I mean, we learned that
in that movie
494
00:18:47,459 --> 00:18:48,927
we saw
with all those dinosaurs.
495
00:18:48,994 --> 00:18:51,763
- Jurassic Park?
- No, it's complicated.
496
00:18:54,350 --> 00:18:56,267
Okay, okay, time-out.
497
00:18:56,318 --> 00:18:58,403
Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
498
00:18:58,470 --> 00:19:00,905
I'm sorry to you, you,
officer baby.
499
00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:02,273
Come on!
500
00:19:02,341 --> 00:19:05,276
No! No! No!
501
00:19:14,003 --> 00:19:15,253
Britta?
502
00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:17,689
What? You guys want me
to ruin something for you?
503
00:19:17,756 --> 00:19:19,757
Come on, you're being dramatic.
504
00:19:23,195 --> 00:19:25,330
We asked Lukka a few questions
after what you said.
505
00:19:25,397 --> 00:19:27,231
He told us
about his time in the army
506
00:19:27,299 --> 00:19:28,833
and...
507
00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:30,568
The things he did.
508
00:19:30,636 --> 00:19:32,737
I'm never gonna get some
of those images out of my head.
509
00:19:32,805 --> 00:19:34,238
If I ever go to the Balkans,
510
00:19:34,306 --> 00:19:36,474
I'm bringing some serious
cheat codes and walk-throughs.
511
00:19:36,525 --> 00:19:37,775
Why didn't you tell us sooner?
512
00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:39,043
Because I didn't want
to be the one
513
00:19:39,111 --> 00:19:40,645
to ruin another guy
for you guys.
514
00:19:40,713 --> 00:19:42,680
Britta, there's a difference
between telling us
515
00:19:42,748 --> 00:19:44,015
a guy likes nipple play
516
00:19:44,083 --> 00:19:47,452
and telling us a guy
makes hats out of babies.
517
00:19:47,519 --> 00:19:48,820
I guess the reason
this happened
518
00:19:48,887 --> 00:19:51,856
is because we've been riding you
kind of hard lately.
519
00:19:51,924 --> 00:19:54,592
How about from now on,
we promise to go easier on you,
520
00:19:54,660 --> 00:19:56,060
if you promise not to tell us
521
00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:57,996
any details
about the guys you're dating,
522
00:19:58,063 --> 00:19:59,564
unless
they've committed genocide.
523
00:19:59,632 --> 00:20:00,865
Or if they're left-handed.
524
00:20:00,933 --> 00:20:03,001
I want to know about that.
I'm making a chart.
525
00:20:03,068 --> 00:20:04,385
Deal.
526
00:20:07,423 --> 00:20:09,374
I guess I ruined game night.
527
00:20:09,441 --> 00:20:10,808
I tend to ruin stuff.
528
00:20:10,876 --> 00:20:12,410
- Come on.
- You do not.
529
00:20:12,478 --> 00:20:14,145
You want to watch
catfish with us?
530
00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:16,264
Was that the movie where the
guy flirts with the girl online,
531
00:20:16,348 --> 00:20:20,251
but then it turns out
that it's a fat, old woman?
532
00:20:20,319 --> 00:20:22,186
Oh. Sorry.
533
00:20:22,254 --> 00:20:23,821
It's cool.
534
00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:26,491
Maybe it's about catfish.
535
00:21:02,332 --> 00:21:04,700
Well, this was fun.