1
00:00:02,946 --> 00:00:04,883
It was my friend Abed's birthday.

2
00:00:04,897 --> 00:00:06,465
I had met Abed at community college

3
00:00:06,466 --> 00:00:07,922
almost two years earlier.

4
00:00:07,923 --> 00:00:09,386
His obsession with pop culture

5
00:00:09,387 --> 00:00:11,087
had always alienated him.

6
00:00:11,088 --> 00:00:13,733
He'd quote movies, pretend
his life was a TV show.

7
00:00:13,734 --> 00:00:15,039
He watched Cougar Town.

8
00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:17,476
It was as if he didn't
want people to like him.

9
00:00:17,796 --> 00:00:19,911
Then this year, around Christmas,

10
00:00:19,912 --> 00:00:21,167
he had some kind of...

11
00:00:21,168 --> 00:00:23,457
I don't know... mental episode,

12
00:00:23,458 --> 00:00:25,900
saying people were made
of clay... stuff like that.

13
00:00:26,267 --> 00:00:28,524
He'd seemed okay since,
but when I asked him

14
00:00:28,525 --> 00:00:30,304
if he'd like to do
anything for his birthday,

15
00:00:30,305 --> 00:00:32,620
he told me we should have
dinner, just he and I,

16
00:00:32,621 --> 00:00:35,097
for an important conversation.

17
00:00:35,098 --> 00:00:36,631
It made me nervous.

18
00:00:37,277 --> 00:00:39,840
The restaurant Abed had chosen
wasn't his style at all.

19
00:00:39,841 --> 00:00:42,177
There were cloth napkins, no TVs.

20
00:00:42,260 --> 00:00:44,364
Abed liked chicken fingers, video games,

21
00:00:44,365 --> 00:00:45,891
Quentin Tarantino.

22
00:00:47,868 --> 00:00:49,587
Babysitting him through a full meal

23
00:00:49,588 --> 00:00:51,261
at a restaurant for grown-ups...

24
00:00:51,823 --> 00:00:53,718
I just wasn't up for it.

25
00:00:54,254 --> 00:00:56,714
But I loved Abed. Everyone did.

26
00:00:56,908 --> 00:00:59,385
So I had come there with a
surprise plan of my own.

27
00:00:59,386 --> 00:01:01,725
Hey, uh, could I get a MacAllan, neat?

28
00:01:04,100 --> 00:01:05,331
Jeffrey!

29
00:01:07,712 --> 00:01:08,884
Buddy.

30
00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:14,162
I like your sweater.

31
00:01:14,225 --> 00:01:16,078
Did it come with a Golden Retriever?

32
00:01:16,788 --> 00:01:18,263
You look good too.

33
00:01:20,693 --> 00:01:23,354
I would like a, uh... spritzer.

34
00:01:23,355 --> 00:01:25,126
Abed was being weird.

35
00:01:25,127 --> 00:01:28,522
And by that, I mean he wasn't being weird.

36
00:01:28,667 --> 00:01:31,744
He was hugging, smiling,
making eye contact,

37
00:01:31,745 --> 00:01:34,986
and in 30 seconds, he hadn't
made a reference to anything.

38
00:01:35,418 --> 00:01:37,280
I had come in worried about him,

39
00:01:37,281 --> 00:01:38,964
thinking he needed help.

40
00:01:38,965 --> 00:01:41,984
But seeing him like this made
me more worried than ever.

41
00:01:42,018 --> 00:01:45,060
Get it? Like Pulp Fiction.

42
00:01:45,889 --> 00:01:47,522
It's a wallet that says "Bad mother..."

43
00:01:47,523 --> 00:01:49,202
- Your table's ready, gentlemen.
- Thank you.

44
00:01:49,203 --> 00:01:51,131
Actually, uh, I had an idea.

45
00:01:51,369 --> 00:01:53,604
I saw a very cool burger place
just a few...

46
00:01:53,605 --> 00:01:56,382
Nonsense.
I didn't come downtown for burgers.

47
00:01:56,383 --> 00:01:57,737
Come, come.

48
00:01:58,922 --> 00:02:00,829
Uh, I-I'll be right there.

49
00:02:07,313 --> 00:02:09,145
Hey, uh, we're running a little bit late...

50
00:02:09,146 --> 00:02:11,387
No big deal, just a small speed bump.

51
00:02:11,578 --> 00:02:13,420
Well, hurry up. We're waiting.

52
00:02:14,475 --> 00:02:16,320
Surprise!

53
00:02:16,321 --> 00:02:19,585
Guys, no! They're running late.

54
00:02:20,765 --> 00:02:23,130
That was Jeff.
He says there's some kind of speed bump.

55
00:02:24,380 --> 00:02:26,063
Pierce, nobody can hear you.

56
00:02:26,775 --> 00:02:29,347
Well, I'm hot, and my balls
are touching the zipper!

57
00:02:39,547 --> 00:02:49,747
Sync by YYeTs.net
Corrected by Addic7ed.com
www.addic7ed.com

58
00:03:00,254 --> 00:03:02,269
Can you imagine the
expression on Abed's face

59
00:03:02,270 --> 00:03:03,498
when he walks in?

60
00:03:03,499 --> 00:03:06,167
Of course we can imagine it.
It's always the same.

61
00:03:06,168 --> 00:03:07,785
Yeah, but he's gonna say "cool"

62
00:03:07,786 --> 00:03:09,556
at least five times.

63
00:03:09,875 --> 00:03:12,094
It's really great of Jeff
to put this together.

64
00:03:12,095 --> 00:03:13,287
I'm not jealous.

65
00:03:13,288 --> 00:03:14,568
- Hmm? 
- Hmm?

66
00:03:15,518 --> 00:03:18,027
Oh, cool, someone got him a briefcase,

67
00:03:18,028 --> 00:03:20,214
like in the movie. What's in it?

68
00:03:20,215 --> 00:03:21,658
Hey, don't touch that!

69
00:03:21,659 --> 00:03:22,753
It's from Jeff, and he says

70
00:03:22,754 --> 00:03:24,709
nobody but Abed can open it.

71
00:03:24,710 --> 00:03:27,188
Why? What's in it?

72
00:03:28,234 --> 00:03:30,778
What, I have 3D vision now?

73
00:03:31,607 --> 00:03:34,536
- Yes, you do. 
- You don't know me!

74
00:03:34,537 --> 00:03:37,794
Everybody just be patient and
don't mess with anything.

75
00:03:37,795 --> 00:03:40,894
I am responsible for this diner
when my boss isn't around.

76
00:03:40,895 --> 00:03:43,077
She will not stop bragging about that.

77
00:03:43,078 --> 00:03:44,122
I know.

78
00:03:44,123 --> 00:03:46,199
Has anyone seen this
movie we're referencing?

79
00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:47,794
Am I the hero or the love interest?

80
00:03:47,795 --> 00:03:49,616
Pulp Fiction?
Yeah, I saw it on an airplane.

81
00:03:49,617 --> 00:03:51,246
It's cute. It's a 30-minute film

82
00:03:51,247 --> 00:03:52,751
about a group of friends
who like cheeseburgers,

83
00:03:52,752 --> 00:03:54,387
dancing, and the Bible.

84
00:03:57,469 --> 00:03:59,279
- Jeff's not better than me. 
- Hmm?

85
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:00,958
I said, "hmm."

86
00:04:02,927 --> 00:04:04,920
Boy, is this menu stuffy.

87
00:04:04,921 --> 00:04:07,452
I don't know about you, but
I'd rather have a nice...

88
00:04:07,453 --> 00:04:10,111
Rillettes de saumon, to start, I think,

89
00:04:10,112 --> 00:04:12,100
and, ooh, squab.

90
00:04:12,101 --> 00:04:14,280
- Very good. 
- They don't have quail.

91
00:04:14,281 --> 00:04:15,894
Good to know. Salad.

92
00:04:15,895 --> 00:04:18,169
- Excellent choice. 
- Yeah, I nailed it.

93
00:04:18,170 --> 00:04:20,929
Um, you forgot this in the bar.

94
00:04:20,930 --> 00:04:23,145
Ah, so I did. I'm sorry.

95
00:04:23,146 --> 00:04:25,002
What a thoughtful gift, Jeff.

96
00:04:25,554 --> 00:04:27,668
I really was a man of singular taste.

97
00:04:27,669 --> 00:04:29,585
Was? Abed, what's going on?

98
00:04:29,586 --> 00:04:30,854
Why are you dressed like Mr. Rogers

99
00:04:30,855 --> 00:04:32,844
and talking like Frasier?
What happened to you?

100
00:04:32,845 --> 00:04:34,143
Oh, where to begin.

101
00:04:34,144 --> 00:04:36,072
I probably mentioned in
the past my fondness

102
00:04:36,073 --> 00:04:37,772
for a TV program called Cougar Town.

103
00:04:37,773 --> 00:04:38,839
Here and there.

104
00:04:38,840 --> 00:04:40,197
I even started a Cougar Town fan club

105
00:04:40,198 --> 00:04:41,261
on Facebook.

106
00:04:41,262 --> 00:04:43,144
Not to accomplish anything, mind you.

107
00:04:43,145 --> 00:04:45,356
Simply to express my love for the show.

108
00:04:45,434 --> 00:04:47,868
Well, it ended up being
quite large, this fan club,

109
00:04:47,869 --> 00:04:49,438
and, uh, one morning,

110
00:04:49,439 --> 00:04:51,515
I think it was maybe early March,

111
00:04:51,516 --> 00:04:52,798
I got this Facebook message...

112
00:04:52,799 --> 00:04:55,771
A very nice message from the
people who make Cougar Town.

113
00:04:55,772 --> 00:04:58,479
- Looking for work?
- No, thanking me, Jeff...

114
00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:00,413
you know, for all the support
I generated for the show.

115
00:05:00,414 --> 00:05:01,994
And in the last paragraph, they said,

116
00:05:01,995 --> 00:05:04,603
"If you'd like, you could
come visit the set,"

117
00:05:04,639 --> 00:05:06,104
just like that.

118
00:05:06,236 --> 00:05:07,918
- Well, that's cool of them. 
- Mm-hmm.

119
00:05:07,919 --> 00:05:08,999
I guess that kind of makes them

120
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:11,908
the Pulp Fictions of people.

121
00:05:12,153 --> 00:05:13,618
Man, how great was that movie.

122
00:05:13,619 --> 00:05:15,341
Yeah. So I sold a few
of my action figures,

123
00:05:15,342 --> 00:05:16,976
and I bought a round-trip
ticket to Los Angeles.

124
00:05:16,977 --> 00:05:19,501
- Wait, you went? When?
- Over spring break.

125
00:05:19,502 --> 00:05:21,712
What could I do?
Two days after I got that invitation,

126
00:05:21,713 --> 00:05:23,928
I was on the set of Cougar Town, Jeff.

127
00:05:24,126 --> 00:05:25,173
Cougar Town.

128
00:05:25,174 --> 00:05:26,540
Look, if you want me
to take it seriously,

129
00:05:26,541 --> 00:05:27,887
stop saying its name.

130
00:05:27,888 --> 00:05:28,968
You laugh, Jeff,

131
00:05:28,969 --> 00:05:31,150
but the people were wonderful,

132
00:05:31,374 --> 00:05:32,577
you know, not just the actors,

133
00:05:32,578 --> 00:05:33,920
but the crew, everyone.

134
00:05:33,921 --> 00:05:35,566
There must have been 200 people,

135
00:05:35,567 --> 00:05:37,494
each with a specific function,

136
00:05:37,495 --> 00:05:39,449
but all dedicated to a single purpose.

137
00:05:39,450 --> 00:05:41,500
It was like a village
or like a living thing.

138
00:05:41,501 --> 00:05:43,635
And, you know, I'm talking to the director,

139
00:05:43,636 --> 00:05:45,790
and he says, "Why don't you
jump into the background?"

140
00:05:46,047 --> 00:05:47,580
I say, "Nah, wait a minute.

141
00:05:47,581 --> 00:05:49,098
Jump into the background of what exactly?"

142
00:05:49,099 --> 00:05:51,081
And he says, "Jump into the
background of this scene.

143
00:05:51,158 --> 00:05:54,100
Walk through it. Walk through Cougar Town."

144
00:05:56,193 --> 00:05:57,189
Thank you.

145
00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,139
Well, before I can react, this
girl takes me by the hand,

146
00:05:59,140 --> 00:06:00,682
and she stands me behind this patio

147
00:06:00,683 --> 00:06:03,185
where Courtney Cox and the
actors are doing their scene.

148
00:06:03,186 --> 00:06:04,784
And the girl says, "Now,
when you hear 'action,'

149
00:06:04,785 --> 00:06:07,036
I want you to walk from
here to there," right?

150
00:06:07,037 --> 00:06:08,722
That's when I really
started to panic, Jeff,

151
00:06:08,723 --> 00:06:11,946
because if I'm a person
that watches Cougar Town,

152
00:06:11,950 --> 00:06:13,852
how can I be in Cougar Town?

153
00:06:14,588 --> 00:06:16,552
You know, and the more I
start thinking about it,

154
00:06:16,553 --> 00:06:18,880
the less any of it makes any sense at all.

155
00:06:18,881 --> 00:06:20,632
And I just want to turn and
run, but it's too late,

156
00:06:20,633 --> 00:06:22,255
because the director's calling "action."

157
00:06:22,256 --> 00:06:24,187
So before I take my first step,

158
00:06:24,188 --> 00:06:26,781
I realize that I have to stop being someone

159
00:06:26,782 --> 00:06:28,642
who's ever seen the show

160
00:06:28,643 --> 00:06:31,079
and become a character on the show.

161
00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:33,630
Become a man from Cougar Town...

162
00:06:34,141 --> 00:06:35,186
You know, someone born there,

163
00:06:35,187 --> 00:06:37,589
someone whose name, I decide, is Chad.

164
00:06:37,875 --> 00:06:39,920
And I take my first step, as a child might,

165
00:06:39,921 --> 00:06:41,529
learning to walk as Chad.

166
00:06:41,530 --> 00:06:43,302
And with each step, it becomes easier.

167
00:06:43,303 --> 00:06:45,176
And with each step, I
start remembering things

168
00:06:45,177 --> 00:06:48,007
from Chad's life, like his first kiss

169
00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:50,103
under the big tree at Cougar Town field...

170
00:06:50,104 --> 00:06:52,382
Playing soccer 
at Cougar Town Junior High...

171
00:06:53,048 --> 00:06:55,208
Finding my first chest hair in the shower,

172
00:06:55,209 --> 00:06:56,779
my first apartment,

173
00:06:56,780 --> 00:06:59,228
my first true love falling
for my best friend,

174
00:07:00,010 --> 00:07:03,428
birthdays, weddings, car crashes, taxes,

175
00:07:03,554 --> 00:07:05,776
playing charades at Thanksgiving.

176
00:07:07,508 --> 00:07:09,709
Chad had lived, Jeff.

177
00:07:10,687 --> 00:07:12,624
You know, Chad had lived more than Abed.

178
00:07:16,517 --> 00:07:20,695
And then they called "cut," 
and the scene was over.

179
00:07:20,696 --> 00:07:23,102
But I wasn't ready to stop being Chad,

180
00:07:23,103 --> 00:07:25,563
so I said to the director,
"Can we have one more take?"

181
00:07:25,564 --> 00:07:27,904
But they were already moving on.

182
00:07:30,325 --> 00:07:32,344
Courtney had nailed it.

183
00:07:33,325 --> 00:07:34,998
My lips started trembling,

184
00:07:34,999 --> 00:07:37,541
and my... my hands and my feet went numb.

185
00:07:37,542 --> 00:07:39,102
My... my knees buckled,

186
00:07:39,103 --> 00:07:41,418
and as I fell to the floor...

187
00:07:44,241 --> 00:07:46,188
I pooped my pants.

188
00:07:48,379 --> 00:07:49,824
I did...

189
00:07:50,239 --> 00:07:51,872
Because the truth is,
Jeff, I had been Chad,

190
00:07:51,873 --> 00:07:53,507
and Chad was dead.

191
00:07:54,513 --> 00:07:58,164
But as Abed, I was still alive,
so someone helped me up.

192
00:07:58,316 --> 00:08:00,837
And the wardrobe lady came over.
She gave me new pants.

193
00:08:00,838 --> 00:08:02,980
I thanked everyone, I apologized,

194
00:08:03,063 --> 00:08:05,950
and then I just got on a bus and
went straight to the airport.

195
00:08:09,257 --> 00:08:13,175
Um, your food's getting cold.

196
00:08:13,176 --> 00:08:15,468
Oh, how silly of me.

197
00:08:28,846 --> 00:08:30,586
Wondering if Abed's new best friend

198
00:08:30,587 --> 00:08:33,517
also got him the best gift?

199
00:08:33,798 --> 00:08:35,649
I got Abed the best gift.

200
00:08:36,285 --> 00:08:40,365
I'd tell you what it is, but
it's an even cooler secret.

201
00:08:42,343 --> 00:08:44,887
Britta, you promised
that this private party

202
00:08:44,888 --> 00:08:46,171
would be done by 8:00.

203
00:08:46,172 --> 00:08:47,800
You're doing this during
the peak business hours

204
00:08:47,801 --> 00:08:49,284
for nostalgic-themed diners.

205
00:08:49,285 --> 00:08:51,207
Oh, is that true?
Has that been researched?

206
00:08:51,208 --> 00:08:52,291
It has, Annie.

207
00:08:52,292 --> 00:08:53,736
After they get frightened
by the evening news,

208
00:08:53,737 --> 00:08:55,645
many seek the comforting
foods and soothing music

209
00:08:55,646 --> 00:08:57,135
of a pre-racial America.

210
00:08:57,136 --> 00:09:02,048
I'll give you all of my
tips from my next shift.

211
00:09:02,535 --> 00:09:03,971
Oh, your tips.

212
00:09:05,161 --> 00:09:08,423
All your tips? Wait, wait, all of them?

213
00:09:08,424 --> 00:09:12,320
Like, all the tips the
customers leave for you?

214
00:09:12,321 --> 00:09:14,392
Wow, is there any way we can
go ahead and spread that out

215
00:09:14,393 --> 00:09:17,085
over two years so I don't
get slammed on my taxes?

216
00:09:18,375 --> 00:09:19,594
Oh, my goodness.

217
00:09:19,595 --> 00:09:20,761
I know.

218
00:09:21,054 --> 00:09:23,369
- Everyone hates Britta. 
- Mm.

219
00:09:29,222 --> 00:09:31,326
Of course, you know the
real point of that story.

220
00:09:31,327 --> 00:09:33,289
I don't, but that's okay. Chew.

221
00:09:34,167 --> 00:09:35,860
The point is, I'd been a fool.

222
00:09:35,861 --> 00:09:37,637
Nah, everybody poops their pants.

223
00:09:37,638 --> 00:09:39,309
No, no, no, I was a
fool long before that.

224
00:09:39,310 --> 00:09:41,374
You know, I look back at my life
and I think, "Who was that?

225
00:09:41,375 --> 00:09:43,642
Why did he care so much about so
many things that didn't matter?"

226
00:09:43,643 --> 00:09:44,913
Yeah, who needs Cougar Town?

227
00:09:44,914 --> 00:09:46,276
Who needs any pop culture whatsoever?

228
00:09:46,277 --> 00:09:48,042
TV, movies... to hell with all of it.

229
00:09:48,590 --> 00:09:51,495
You know what I was, Jeff?
I was that wallet.

230
00:09:51,499 --> 00:09:53,692
On the surface, a reference
to some cinematic drivel,

231
00:09:53,693 --> 00:09:56,062
but on the inside... empty.

232
00:09:56,063 --> 00:09:59,813
- But you love Tarantino.
- No, no, not anymore.

233
00:09:59,814 --> 00:10:01,792
That's why I wanted to
have this dinner with you.

234
00:10:01,868 --> 00:10:04,160
This is the first birthday of my new life.

235
00:10:04,161 --> 00:10:05,206
You know, the wallet's cute, Jeff,

236
00:10:05,207 --> 00:10:07,265
but I'd like to exchange
it for a better gift.

237
00:10:07,266 --> 00:10:08,801
I'm not leaving here until you've given me

238
00:10:08,802 --> 00:10:10,842
my first real conversation.

239
00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:14,585
Yay.

240
00:10:20,205 --> 00:10:22,580
Okay, you want to have
a real conversation?

241
00:10:22,581 --> 00:10:25,806
Here's as real as I get
under the circumstances.

242
00:10:25,807 --> 00:10:29,068
It's nice that you've learned
to dial back your love of TV.

243
00:10:29,069 --> 00:10:31,584
But I'd really like you to
come have a milkshake with me.

244
00:10:31,585 --> 00:10:33,600
But before you do, I'd like you to remember

245
00:10:33,601 --> 00:10:36,011
how much you enjoy Pulp Fiction.

246
00:10:36,524 --> 00:10:38,761
Now, that's as far as I can go
without defeating the purpose.

247
00:10:38,762 --> 00:10:40,970
I'm really tilting the bean can here.

248
00:10:40,971 --> 00:10:43,102
Pulp Fiction, milkshakes, bean cans?

249
00:10:43,103 --> 00:10:44,427
Listen to how we talk to each other.

250
00:10:44,428 --> 00:10:47,585
We're like robots exchanging
catchphrases and references.

251
00:10:47,586 --> 00:10:49,181
And you think pointing that out counts

252
00:10:49,182 --> 00:10:50,613
as a real conversation?

253
00:10:50,614 --> 00:10:52,213
You know how many fake people are talking

254
00:10:52,214 --> 00:10:53,999
about how fake the world is right now?

255
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:55,174
Okay, well, I'm new at this,

256
00:10:55,175 --> 00:10:56,710
so can you start our real conversation?

257
00:10:56,711 --> 00:10:58,224
I don't believe there's such a thing.

258
00:10:58,225 --> 00:11:01,642
Conversation was invented by
humans to conceal reality.

259
00:11:01,643 --> 00:11:05,201
We use it to sweet-talk our
way around natural selection.

260
00:11:05,202 --> 00:11:07,659
You know who has real conversations? 
Ants.

261
00:11:07,660 --> 00:11:10,579
They talk by vomiting chemicals
into each other's mouths.

262
00:11:10,580 --> 00:11:12,295
They get right down to brass tacks.

263
00:11:12,296 --> 00:11:14,099
Blehh! "Which way's the picnic?"

264
00:11:14,100 --> 00:11:15,795
Blehh! "That way."

265
00:11:16,114 --> 00:11:18,121
Humans are more evolved. We lie.

266
00:11:18,122 --> 00:11:19,596
- Not all the time. 
- That's a lie.

267
00:11:19,597 --> 00:11:22,132
- We don't lie when we're alone.
- Biggest lie ever.

268
00:11:22,133 --> 00:11:24,402
Nine out of ten lies occur six inches away

269
00:11:24,403 --> 00:11:25,548
from the bathroom mirror.

270
00:11:25,549 --> 00:11:27,351
We do most of our lying alone.

271
00:11:27,352 --> 00:11:29,068
How's it even possible
to lie when you're alone?

272
00:11:29,069 --> 00:11:30,693
You can call a phone-sex line.

273
00:11:30,694 --> 00:11:32,911
- That's lying to yourself.
- No, that's just being honest

274
00:11:32,912 --> 00:11:34,249
with a stranger about being lonely.

275
00:11:34,250 --> 00:11:36,274
What if you're dishonest
about why you're lonely?

276
00:11:36,275 --> 00:11:38,668
What if you're a good-looking
guy who calls a phone-sex line

277
00:11:38,669 --> 00:11:40,933
and tells them he weighs 400 pounds,

278
00:11:40,934 --> 00:11:44,061
just so he can hear a woman say
she's attracted to him anyway?

279
00:11:44,062 --> 00:11:46,726
- I don't believe that happens.
- Wrong. That's me.

280
00:11:46,727 --> 00:11:48,680
I did that last week.

281
00:11:48,681 --> 00:11:50,315
Why would you pay a woman on the phone

282
00:11:50,316 --> 00:11:51,341
to think you're fat?

283
00:11:51,342 --> 00:11:53,545
Because I'm scared that
if I were overweight

284
00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:55,272
that no one would like me.

285
00:11:56,921 --> 00:11:59,059
God, that feels good to admit.

286
00:12:00,785 --> 00:12:02,568
Abed, the point being...

287
00:12:04,618 --> 00:12:05,755
The point being,

288
00:12:05,756 --> 00:12:08,271
you don't have to worry about being normal

289
00:12:08,272 --> 00:12:11,330
or... or real or whatever this is tonight.

290
00:12:11,417 --> 00:12:15,466
The world is a sick place
full of sick, sick people.

291
00:12:19,897 --> 00:12:22,262
Can I tell you something
I've never told anyone else?

292
00:12:23,761 --> 00:12:24,967
Yes.

293
00:12:27,223 --> 00:12:30,183
It's got to be so cool,
whatever he got him.

294
00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:32,957
You know what I'm saying.
Winger's a man of means.

295
00:12:33,202 --> 00:12:36,290
He's with your boy right
now having a fancy dinner.

296
00:12:36,601 --> 00:12:41,331
Baby chickens, diamond
forks, brand-name sodas.

297
00:12:41,458 --> 00:12:44,038
Then he's gonna bring him back here,

298
00:12:44,201 --> 00:12:46,629
give him whatever's in
there, and that's that.

299
00:12:46,999 --> 00:12:48,733
Troy who?

300
00:13:00,801 --> 00:13:02,353
Is that what I think it is?

301
00:13:02,431 --> 00:13:03,882
It is.

302
00:13:04,100 --> 00:13:05,932
Certificate of authenticity...

303
00:13:05,933 --> 00:13:08,081
He must have got it on eBay or something.

304
00:13:08,392 --> 00:13:10,378
Jeff got Abed the actual briefcase

305
00:13:10,379 --> 00:13:12,164
from the movie Pulp Fiction!

306
00:13:12,516 --> 00:13:14,193
What are you guys doing?

307
00:13:14,205 --> 00:13:15,488
Chang made me open it!

308
00:13:15,489 --> 00:13:17,496
He seduced me with his dark Chinese powers.

309
00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:18,995
Why do you leave him alone with me?

310
00:13:18,996 --> 00:13:20,920
Guys, I am putting my job on the line

311
00:13:20,921 --> 00:13:22,209
for this stupid party,

312
00:13:22,210 --> 00:13:24,413
and the least you can do is not ruin it.

313
00:13:27,125 --> 00:13:28,501
No! No!

314
00:13:35,653 --> 00:13:38,071
Dude, I know I'm preaching to the choir,

315
00:13:38,072 --> 00:13:41,749
but you are a bad friend.

316
00:13:41,750 --> 00:13:43,355
I'll kill you!

317
00:13:54,123 --> 00:13:57,145
And I said, "No, that's a girl's costume."

318
00:13:57,146 --> 00:13:58,495
And my mom said, "It's fine.

319
00:13:58,496 --> 00:14:00,824
Indian boys have long hair and braids too."

320
00:14:00,825 --> 00:14:02,939
There was only 45 minutes
left to trick-or-treat,

321
00:14:02,940 --> 00:14:04,644
so what could I do?

322
00:14:06,064 --> 00:14:09,475
I put the damn thing on,
and I went door-to-door.

323
00:14:09,724 --> 00:14:13,021
And everyone was going,
"Oh, what a pretty little girl."

324
00:14:14,275 --> 00:14:15,782
And by the third house...

325
00:14:16,410 --> 00:14:18,124
I stopped correcting them.

326
00:14:19,105 --> 00:14:21,393
I mean, why draw attention to it?

327
00:14:23,289 --> 00:14:24,476
And, honestly,

328
00:14:24,477 --> 00:14:26,816
once the shame and the fear wore off...

329
00:14:28,816 --> 00:14:31,526
I was just glad they thought I was pretty.

330
00:14:35,167 --> 00:14:37,487
God, this is incredible...

331
00:14:38,151 --> 00:14:41,375
I mean, to be able to talk this openly.

332
00:14:41,928 --> 00:14:43,941
I mean, why can't people be like this?

333
00:14:43,942 --> 00:14:45,806
I mean, what's wrong with this world?

334
00:14:52,823 --> 00:14:53,903
What do you want?

335
00:14:53,904 --> 00:14:55,929
So this is what you're
doing while we wait.

336
00:14:55,930 --> 00:14:58,634
Just go home, Pierce.
The party's canceled.

337
00:14:58,635 --> 00:15:01,549
Pretty gay, man. Pretty gay.

338
00:15:04,453 --> 00:15:06,879
Why is Pierce dressed as
the gimp from Pulp Fiction?

339
00:15:06,990 --> 00:15:08,145
Oh.

340
00:15:08,146 --> 00:15:11,137
The wallet, milkshakes...

341
00:15:11,202 --> 00:15:13,078
Did you set up a surprise
Pulp Fiction birthday party?

342
00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:15,530
Yeah, at the greasy fork,
but that doesn't matter now.

343
00:15:15,666 --> 00:15:18,796
What matters is this... talking.

344
00:15:19,104 --> 00:15:20,763
It everything okay?

345
00:15:20,764 --> 00:15:22,507
Uh, yes. Just the check, please.

346
00:15:22,508 --> 00:15:25,778
Oh, I'm sorry. So you're ending early?

347
00:15:25,779 --> 00:15:27,204
Because in my dinner with Andre,

348
00:15:27,205 --> 00:15:30,541
- the waiter brings...
- Check, check, check. Bye.

349
00:15:33,583 --> 00:15:35,835
- Abed? 
- Mm-hmm?

350
00:15:36,007 --> 00:15:38,190
What's my dinner with Andre?

351
00:15:38,409 --> 00:15:41,363
It's just a movie about, uh, two guys

352
00:15:41,364 --> 00:15:43,374
talking at a restaurant.

353
00:15:45,064 --> 00:15:46,901
So this wasn't...

354
00:15:46,904 --> 00:15:49,385
A real conversation?

355
00:15:49,386 --> 00:15:50,815
You were doing another movie?

356
00:15:50,816 --> 00:15:52,163
A movie about a real conversation.

357
00:15:52,164 --> 00:15:54,513
Did you poop your pants
on the set of Cougar Town?

358
00:15:55,338 --> 00:15:56,801
That shouldn't matter.

359
00:15:57,154 --> 00:15:59,077
This is why we don't hang out!

360
00:16:00,006 --> 00:16:02,016
Well, thanks for getting me fired, jerks.

361
00:16:02,017 --> 00:16:04,025
- The party's over.
- Cool. Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

362
00:16:04,026 --> 00:16:05,182
Yeah, it is.

363
00:16:05,183 --> 00:16:09,173
Do you guys know where Abed's
really cool present is?

364
00:16:09,241 --> 00:16:10,461
Because I'm returning it.

365
00:16:10,462 --> 00:16:13,193
Um, it's back at the diner. It's fine.

366
00:16:13,194 --> 00:16:15,039
It probably just needs some detailing.

367
00:16:18,877 --> 00:16:22,250
Man, I really wish you
two got along better.

368
00:16:23,372 --> 00:16:25,448
Ooh, no-no juice.

369
00:16:27,433 --> 00:16:29,450
Ah, that's good no-no juice.

370
00:16:32,911 --> 00:16:34,817
For the damages

371
00:16:34,818 --> 00:16:37,185
if you promise to give Britta her job back.

372
00:16:37,917 --> 00:16:39,582
$800, and she stays fired.

373
00:16:39,583 --> 00:16:40,796
Deal.

374
00:16:50,171 --> 00:16:51,722
Annie told me about the briefcase.

375
00:16:52,451 --> 00:16:54,548
- Thank you. 
- What a waste.

376
00:16:54,872 --> 00:16:56,105
Not really.

377
00:16:57,370 --> 00:16:57,912
Did you buy it

378
00:16:57,913 --> 00:17:00,377
from Willy's 100% Authentic
Cinema Treasures on eBay?

379
00:17:00,378 --> 00:17:02,686
- Yep. 
- Yeah, Willy exaggerates.

380
00:17:02,972 --> 00:17:05,336
I got Indiana Jones' real whip from him.

381
00:17:05,337 --> 00:17:06,810
He moves about 70 of those a year.

382
00:17:06,811 --> 00:17:08,097
Oh, good. I thought I flushed

383
00:17:08,098 --> 00:17:09,307
a bunch of money down the toilet.

384
00:17:09,308 --> 00:17:11,342
But it's great to know that the
real Pulp Fiction briefcase

385
00:17:11,343 --> 00:17:12,755
is safe somewhere.

386
00:17:12,935 --> 00:17:14,458
You're mad at me.

387
00:17:14,906 --> 00:17:16,565
I spent a week planning a party

388
00:17:16,566 --> 00:17:17,872
just to make you happy.

389
00:17:17,873 --> 00:17:19,616
And then I bailed on the
party and ruined it,

390
00:17:19,617 --> 00:17:20,943
again, just to make you happy.

391
00:17:20,944 --> 00:17:22,843
Then it turns out, while
I was wasting my time

392
00:17:22,844 --> 00:17:24,154
trying to make you happy,

393
00:17:24,155 --> 00:17:27,761
you were making yourself
happy all over everyone else

394
00:17:27,762 --> 00:17:30,828
by doing yet another stupid movie spoof.

395
00:17:30,829 --> 00:17:32,363
I prefer the term "homage."

396
00:17:34,373 --> 00:17:35,957
It wasn't about making me happy.

397
00:17:36,784 --> 00:17:38,869
I chose my dinner with Andre,
because it's about a guy

398
00:17:38,870 --> 00:17:40,367
who has an unexpectedly enjoyable evening

399
00:17:40,368 --> 00:17:42,823
with a weird friend he's
been avoiding lately.

400
00:17:44,754 --> 00:17:46,665
You think I've been avoiding you?

401
00:17:47,203 --> 00:17:48,915
You and I hung out more last year.

402
00:17:49,758 --> 00:17:51,120
It makes sense.

403
00:17:51,332 --> 00:17:53,032
Everyone else is growing
and changing all the time,

404
00:17:53,033 --> 00:17:54,752
and that's not really my jam.

405
00:17:55,598 --> 00:17:57,563
I'm more of a fast-blinking,
stoic, removed,

406
00:17:57,564 --> 00:17:59,434
uncomfortably self-aware type...

407
00:17:59,597 --> 00:18:00,861
Like Data...

408
00:18:01,062 --> 00:18:03,390
Or Johnny-5 or Mork

409
00:18:03,391 --> 00:18:05,566
or Hal or K.I.T.T. or K-9...

410
00:18:05,567 --> 00:18:07,008
Or Woodstock and/or Snoopy.

411
00:18:07,009 --> 00:18:08,479
Of course, Spock probably
goes without saying...

412
00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:11,377
Abed, I don't need you to grow or change.

413
00:18:12,098 --> 00:18:15,036
And take it from someone who
just had a meaningless one,

414
00:18:15,037 --> 00:18:17,558
sometimes emotional
breakthroughs are overrated.

415
00:18:18,030 --> 00:18:21,094
And, seriously, I need you to keep

416
00:18:21,095 --> 00:18:24,297
a tight, heavy lid on the
"Little Indian Girl" story.

417
00:18:24,298 --> 00:18:26,584
- Sure. 
- Tight, heavy lid.

418
00:18:26,585 --> 00:18:28,198
Cool. T.H.L.

419
00:18:31,064 --> 00:18:32,460
Still friends?

420
00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:38,519
Because nobody paid for
dinner at the restaurant,

421
00:18:38,584 --> 00:18:40,515
and I do not have this kind of money.

422
00:18:46,545 --> 00:18:48,375
I went back to pay the bill.

423
00:18:48,455 --> 00:18:50,260
The restaurant was closed.

424
00:18:54,964 --> 00:18:57,572
Surprise!

425
00:18:58,561 --> 00:19:00,735
- Surprise. 
- It was Abed's idea.

426
00:19:02,357 --> 00:19:05,098
The group had stayed behind
to salvage the party.

427
00:19:07,820 --> 00:19:09,974
The waiter had felt bad
for spilling the beans

428
00:19:09,975 --> 00:19:12,993
about Abed's homage, so he let us stay.

429
00:19:20,183 --> 00:19:23,346
As parties go, it was quiet, dark,

430
00:19:23,347 --> 00:19:24,953
and a little lame.

431
00:19:29,189 --> 00:19:32,561
We'd had better parties, and
we'd had worse parties.

432
00:19:44,530 --> 00:19:46,147
But I doubt I'll ever forget

433
00:19:46,148 --> 00:19:48,924
my dinner with Andre dinner with Abed.

434
00:19:59,656 --> 00:20:01,584
- Thanks. 
- Abed, please...

435
00:20:02,054 --> 00:20:04,057
- Allow me. 
- Okay. Thanks.

436
00:20:08,752 --> 00:20:10,044
Let me see.

437
00:20:10,533 --> 00:20:11,986
Mm, that's not good.

438
00:20:13,516 --> 00:20:15,355
They said "market price."

439
00:20:16,678 --> 00:20:19,638
What market are you shopping at?

440
00:20:25,061 --> 00:20:26,407
I'm going to run.

441
00:20:26,408 --> 00:20:27,604
- Me too. 
- Okay.

442
00:20:27,605 --> 00:20:28,643
- On three. 
- One...

443
00:20:28,644 --> 00:20:29,855
- Two... 
- Three.

444
00:20:30,055 --> 00:20:40,255
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