1
00:00:01,034 --> 00:00:02,134
- so then the guy says
to the housekeeper,
2
00:00:02,201 --> 00:00:03,900
"make sure she's dead."
3
00:00:03,967 --> 00:00:05,401
Stop me if you heard
this one before.
4
00:00:05,468 --> 00:00:07,767
- would have been nice to have
that option 27 minutes ago.
5
00:00:07,834 --> 00:00:09,567
- the housekeeper says
to the guy,
6
00:00:09,633 --> 00:00:11,700
"we don't have a pool."
7
00:00:11,767 --> 00:00:13,500
[laughs]
8
00:00:13,567 --> 00:00:14,834
And the guy says...
9
00:00:14,900 --> 00:00:15,967
- good morning, greendale!
10
00:00:16,034 --> 00:00:17,067
Just a reminder,
11
00:00:17,134 --> 00:00:18,168
Our debate team will bring home
12
00:00:18,233 --> 00:00:19,634
The championship tomorrow
versus city college.
13
00:00:19,701 --> 00:00:21,567
Go, human beings!
14
00:00:21,634 --> 00:00:24,834
- great. now i got to start
the whole joke over again.
15
00:00:24,901 --> 00:00:26,567
Okay, so this guy--
- no!
16
00:00:26,634 --> 00:00:27,934
I've got one for you.
17
00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:28,167
A doddering old fool
18
00:00:30,234 --> 00:00:32,234
Walks into a bar,
tells a stupid joke,
19
00:00:32,300 --> 00:00:35,501
And i crush his windpipe
with my three-ring binder.
20
00:00:35,567 --> 00:00:37,767
- [giggles]
i don't get it.
21
00:00:37,834 --> 00:00:38,767
- britta's trying
to give up cigarettes.
22
00:00:38,834 --> 00:00:40,000
- don't tell them my business.
23
00:00:40,067 --> 00:00:42,367
I will slap
that smug look
24
00:00:42,434 --> 00:00:44,033
Right off your pointy face.
25
00:00:44,100 --> 00:00:46,067
- britta, i'm saying this
26
00:00:46,133 --> 00:00:47,567
Because i care about you
27
00:00:47,634 --> 00:00:49,267
And you're my friend.
28
00:00:49,334 --> 00:00:50,734
You need
to start smoking again.
29
00:00:50,801 --> 00:00:52,334
- i really think you should.
- absolutely.
30
00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:53,434
- they say it makes you lose
weight, and your skin looks
31
00:00:53,501 --> 00:00:54,868
Really great
when you do smoke.
32
00:00:54,934 --> 00:00:56,767
- guys, i really appreciate
your support,
33
00:00:56,834 --> 00:00:58,234
But i've got to quit this time.
34
00:00:58,300 --> 00:01:00,133
- have you thought
about hypnotherapy?
35
00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:01,667
I know
a dynamite hypnotherapist.
36
00:01:01,734 --> 00:01:02,734
- ten-to-one says it's him.
37
00:01:02,801 --> 00:01:04,200
- his name is pierce hawthorne.
38
00:01:04,267 --> 00:01:06,267
And i'm very effective.
39
00:01:06,334 --> 00:01:08,033
- can you help me
block out people's voices
40
00:01:08,100 --> 00:01:09,167
I find extremely annoying?
41
00:01:09,234 --> 00:01:10,167
- [chuckles]
42
00:01:10,234 --> 00:01:11,968
Jeff, she's right there.
43
00:01:12,033 --> 00:01:15,801
- pierce, i would be grateful
for your help.
44
00:01:15,868 --> 00:01:18,701
- you would?
super. i'll set it up.
45
00:01:18,767 --> 00:01:20,334
- what?
i feel bad for him.
46
00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:21,901
Plus, i just yelled at him.
47
00:01:21,968 --> 00:01:23,167
- you yelled at me too.
48
00:01:23,234 --> 00:01:25,334
- oh, did i hurt your feelings,
pointy face?
49
00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:27,267
- wow. wow.
50
00:01:27,334 --> 00:01:30,267
- have you seen the film
department's web site?
51
00:01:30,334 --> 00:01:32,734
- what do you think?
52
00:01:32,801 --> 00:01:34,968
All of abed's films
are about us.
53
00:01:35,033 --> 00:01:36,801
- what?
- check it out.
54
00:01:36,868 --> 00:01:38,467
[upbeat techno music]
55
00:01:38,534 --> 00:01:39,701
- what else is new?
56
00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:42,000
All: jeff.
- hola.
57
00:01:42,067 --> 00:01:45,100
- jeff, stop being so relaxed.
we need to talk to you about...
58
00:01:45,167 --> 00:01:46,634
- we know you're living
out of your car.
59
00:01:46,701 --> 00:01:47,767
Why, on lord's good earth,
60
00:01:47,834 --> 00:01:49,100
Are you living
out of your car, boy?
61
00:01:49,167 --> 00:01:50,534
- those people look
just like us.
62
00:01:50,601 --> 00:01:52,200
That's eerie.
- fine, it's true.
63
00:01:52,267 --> 00:01:54,367
I'm living out of my car.
64
00:01:54,434 --> 00:01:57,434
And i don't want anyone's help.
65
00:01:57,501 --> 00:01:59,567
- we had almost that
exact conversation last week.
66
00:01:59,634 --> 00:02:03,234
- yeah, but abed posted
this video two weeks ago.
67
00:02:03,300 --> 00:02:07,868
- [gasps]
that boy's a soothsayer.
68
00:02:07,934 --> 00:02:09,300
- this is wrinkling my brain.
69
00:02:09,367 --> 00:02:11,033
- this is wrinkling my brain.
70
00:02:11,100 --> 00:02:12,801
- that's wrinkling my brain.
71
00:02:12,868 --> 00:02:14,601
- get a load
of these wrinkles.
72
00:02:14,667 --> 00:02:15,901
- [laughs]
who's that old guy?
73
00:02:15,968 --> 00:02:17,834
- hi, i'm pierce hawthorne.
74
00:02:17,901 --> 00:02:19,200
- oh, come on!
75
00:02:19,267 --> 00:02:25,234
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
76
00:02:25,067 --> 00:02:26,434
- there he is.
77
00:02:26,501 --> 00:02:28,334
- oh, mr. winger...
78
00:02:28,401 --> 00:02:29,768
Mr. winger, did you happen
to hear
79
00:02:29,833 --> 00:02:31,000
My announcement this morning?
- i hang on every word.
80
00:02:31,067 --> 00:02:32,301
- i'm gonna assume
that's sarcasm.
81
00:02:32,367 --> 00:02:33,501
- correct.
82
00:02:33,567 --> 00:02:34,668
- so you didn't hear
my announcement?
83
00:02:34,734 --> 00:02:35,534
- i'm barely listening now.
- oh.
84
00:02:35,601 --> 00:02:37,668
- my debate partner dropped out,
85
00:02:37,734 --> 00:02:39,501
And we need you to fill in for
him at the championship tonight.
86
00:02:39,567 --> 00:02:40,800
- jeffrey, as debate coach,
87
00:02:40,867 --> 00:02:42,900
I am offering you
an opportunity
88
00:02:42,967 --> 00:02:45,467
To spend the night
drinking from the cup of life
89
00:02:45,534 --> 00:02:46,800
Rather than romancing
your nether regions
90
00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:47,800
In front of the e! channel.
91
00:02:47,867 --> 00:02:49,200
- come on, jeff.
92
00:02:49,267 --> 00:02:51,134
I mean, who better
than a former lawyer
93
00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:53,367
To really stick it
to those city college snobs
94
00:02:53,434 --> 00:02:55,833
And their star debater
simmons?
95
00:02:55,900 --> 00:02:57,434
- mm, pass.
96
00:02:57,501 --> 00:02:59,401
- okay. no, no.
97
00:02:59,467 --> 00:03:01,634
Okay, wait. wait.
okay, no, no. look.
98
00:03:01,701 --> 00:03:03,301
Listen, jerkwad--
i'm sorry.
99
00:03:03,367 --> 00:03:04,900
That got heated.
100
00:03:04,967 --> 00:03:06,800
Greendale needs a win.
101
00:03:06,867 --> 00:03:09,833
The best compliment
our sports program gets
102
00:03:09,900 --> 00:03:11,634
Is that our basketball team
is really gay,
103
00:03:11,701 --> 00:03:13,800
So what's it gonna take?
104
00:03:13,867 --> 00:03:15,167
You know,
a plum parking space,
105
00:03:15,234 --> 00:03:17,134
Free meals,
106
00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:22,134
A night of companionship
if you know what i mean.
107
00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:24,933
- i'll do it
for the parking space.
108
00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:27,067
And if you promise
not to tell me what you mean.
109
00:03:27,134 --> 00:03:29,434
- okay.
[cheers and laughter]
110
00:03:29,501 --> 00:03:31,501
- pierce, thank you.
111
00:03:31,567 --> 00:03:32,867
I really appreciate
you helping me out.
112
00:03:32,933 --> 00:03:34,701
- and i appreciate
the opportunity.
113
00:03:34,768 --> 00:03:36,301
You know,
sometimes, i think
114
00:03:36,367 --> 00:03:37,334
People don't take me seriously.
115
00:03:37,401 --> 00:03:38,800
- so what are you gonna do?
116
00:03:38,867 --> 00:03:41,100
Wave a pocket watch
in front of my face
117
00:03:41,167 --> 00:03:43,234
And tell me i'm getting
very sleepy?
118
00:03:43,301 --> 00:03:44,701
- [laughs]
119
00:03:44,768 --> 00:03:45,900
Just checking the time.
120
00:03:45,967 --> 00:03:46,933
[clank]
121
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:48,567
Now close your eyes.
122
00:03:48,634 --> 00:03:50,933
Keep them closed
at all times.
123
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:55,267
And listen to the soothing sound
of my voice.
124
00:03:55,334 --> 00:03:57,768
The only word
that will bring you out
125
00:03:57,833 --> 00:03:59,833
Is gorilla.
126
00:03:59,900 --> 00:04:02,567
Okay, now focus
on the rhythm
127
00:04:02,634 --> 00:04:06,434
Of your own breathing.
128
00:04:06,501 --> 00:04:07,833
And when you feel the desire
129
00:04:07,900 --> 00:04:08,933
To light up a cigarette,
130
00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:10,967
You will associate these urges
131
00:04:11,034 --> 00:04:12,367
With things in your life
that disgust you.
132
00:04:12,434 --> 00:04:14,100
Bad-tasting food.
133
00:04:14,167 --> 00:04:15,467
Sex with men.
134
00:04:15,534 --> 00:04:17,334
Wearing attractive clothing.
135
00:04:17,401 --> 00:04:20,167
And soon...
[clatter]
136
00:04:20,234 --> 00:04:23,000
Oh, god, i think
i really hurt myself!
137
00:04:23,067 --> 00:04:24,668
Somebody help me.
138
00:04:24,734 --> 00:04:26,701
Oh, britta, wake up!
139
00:04:26,768 --> 00:04:28,434
Why'd i put you under
so well?
140
00:04:28,501 --> 00:04:31,833
Damn my talent.
[moans]
141
00:04:31,900 --> 00:04:35,401
- topic for debate is "are
people inherently good or evil?"
142
00:04:35,467 --> 00:04:37,668
So when do you want
to get together to strategize?
143
00:04:37,734 --> 00:04:39,234
- annie, i was a lawyer.
144
00:04:39,301 --> 00:04:40,967
I was a debater for money.
145
00:04:41,034 --> 00:04:44,134
I think i can handle this.
146
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:46,200
How was hypnotherapy?
147
00:04:46,267 --> 00:04:48,267
- he fell down
and screamed in pain
148
00:04:48,334 --> 00:04:49,701
While i laid there
with my eyes closed
149
00:04:49,768 --> 00:04:51,367
To make him feel
like a good hypnotherapist.
150
00:04:51,434 --> 00:04:52,267
- you realize
this will never end.
151
00:04:52,334 --> 00:04:53,967
- it's already done.
152
00:04:54,034 --> 00:04:55,800
He just wants one more session.
153
00:04:55,867 --> 00:04:58,467
- * wa-wa *
- where's abed?
154
00:04:58,534 --> 00:04:59,401
I need to talk to him
about his films.
155
00:04:59,467 --> 00:05:01,000
- that boy's flat-out prescient.
156
00:05:01,067 --> 00:05:03,634
He can read our minds.
157
00:05:03,701 --> 00:05:06,067
Both: [gasp]
158
00:05:06,134 --> 00:05:07,234
- i know
what you're gonna say.
159
00:05:07,301 --> 00:05:08,200
You watched my movies
on the website.
160
00:05:08,267 --> 00:05:09,000
- he's a witch!
- get him!
161
00:05:09,067 --> 00:05:10,501
- no, i'm not a witch.
162
00:05:10,567 --> 00:05:11,601
I'm a student
of human character.
163
00:05:11,668 --> 00:05:12,900
I know you guys all so well
164
00:05:12,967 --> 00:05:15,601
I can predict your behavior.
like shirley.
165
00:05:15,668 --> 00:05:19,134
I know you're a sweet,
christian, generous person.
166
00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:22,100
Both: oh, that's nice.
167
00:05:22,167 --> 00:05:23,867
- i also know you have
thinly veiled rage issues.
168
00:05:23,933 --> 00:05:25,634
Both: careful, boy.
- oh.
169
00:05:25,701 --> 00:05:26,734
- here.
check this out.
170
00:05:26,833 --> 00:05:29,967
May i?
- yeah.
171
00:05:30,034 --> 00:05:31,267
- jeff's character acts
172
00:05:31,334 --> 00:05:32,601
Like nothing around here
affects him.
173
00:05:32,668 --> 00:05:33,800
But things bother him
more than he lets on.
174
00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:35,668
- hey, i'm top of the class.
175
00:05:35,734 --> 00:05:37,833
- gah!
176
00:05:37,900 --> 00:05:40,167
- he's also very vain.
177
00:05:40,234 --> 00:05:42,167
- [scoffs]
ridiculous.
178
00:05:42,234 --> 00:05:44,668
All: oh.
179
00:05:44,734 --> 00:05:46,467
- [weeps]
- why am i crying?
180
00:05:46,534 --> 00:05:49,234
what, i accidentally listen
to come sail away by styx again?
181
00:05:49,301 --> 00:05:50,200
- you don't have to worry,
troy.
182
00:05:50,267 --> 00:05:51,200
It's just a movie.
183
00:05:51,267 --> 00:05:52,833
I can't predict the future.
184
00:05:52,900 --> 00:05:56,234
- my leg.
i hurt my leg. aah!
185
00:05:56,301 --> 00:05:59,567
- what up, happy people?
186
00:05:59,634 --> 00:06:01,800
- you tell me my future
right now, you evil wizard!
187
00:06:01,867 --> 00:06:03,167
- by the way, jeff,
i think your shirt's trying
188
00:06:03,234 --> 00:06:04,900
To get out of your pants.
189
00:06:06,701 --> 00:06:11,200
as golding's lord of the flies
demonstrates, man,
190
00:06:11,267 --> 00:06:12,800
When left to his own devices,
191
00:06:12,867 --> 00:06:18,833
Will descend into chaos
and evil.
192
00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:22,501
[applause]
193
00:06:22,567 --> 00:06:23,567
- whoo!
194
00:06:24,833 --> 00:06:27,634
And now, from city college,
195
00:06:27,701 --> 00:06:29,167
Jeremy simmons.
196
00:06:29,234 --> 00:06:32,401
[cheers and applause]
197
00:06:41,134 --> 00:06:45,301
- there were 23,000...
198
00:06:45,367 --> 00:06:48,933
Kidney donations
in america last year.
199
00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:50,234
Man is good.
200
00:06:50,301 --> 00:06:52,933
The average life expectancy
201
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:56,634
For a man in a community
202
00:06:56,701 --> 00:07:00,701
Is 23 years longer
than a man alone.
203
00:07:00,768 --> 00:07:02,234
Man is good.
204
00:07:02,301 --> 00:07:05,200
And just ten minutes ago,
205
00:07:05,267 --> 00:07:08,567
A bald, bespectacled man
held the door
206
00:07:08,634 --> 00:07:10,900
For a man in a wheelchair.
207
00:07:10,967 --> 00:07:12,434
- oh.
- man is good.
208
00:07:12,501 --> 00:07:13,900
[cheers and applause]
209
00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:15,167
- oh.
210
00:07:15,234 --> 00:07:16,701
I hate this guy.
211
00:07:16,768 --> 00:07:18,800
- by the end
of this debate,
212
00:07:18,867 --> 00:07:21,768
I will prove with facts
213
00:07:21,833 --> 00:07:27,134
And data
that man is inherently good.
214
00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:29,701
[cheers and applause]
215
00:07:29,768 --> 00:07:32,601
- old trick for achieving
the proper competitive mindset,
216
00:07:32,668 --> 00:07:36,134
I always envision my opponent
having aggressive sex
217
00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:37,167
With my mother.
218
00:07:37,234 --> 00:07:39,634
[slaps jeff on back]
219
00:07:39,701 --> 00:07:42,768
- [clears throat]
220
00:07:46,267 --> 00:07:48,367
This feels so formal.
221
00:07:48,434 --> 00:07:51,567
Let's just talk.
222
00:07:51,634 --> 00:07:52,701
People are evil.
223
00:07:52,768 --> 00:07:54,434
They can't help it.
224
00:07:54,501 --> 00:07:56,100
I didn't catch
your name.
225
00:07:56,167 --> 00:07:58,701
- it's jean.
226
00:07:58,768 --> 00:08:00,100
- take jean here.
227
00:08:00,167 --> 00:08:01,967
She spent a lot of time
this morning
228
00:08:02,034 --> 00:08:05,000
Making herself
look so lovely.
229
00:08:05,067 --> 00:08:06,367
Tell me, jean.
230
00:08:06,434 --> 00:08:07,534
How many people bothered
to tell you
231
00:08:07,601 --> 00:08:08,668
How great you look today?
232
00:08:08,734 --> 00:08:09,768
- none.
233
00:08:09,833 --> 00:08:11,567
- man is evil.
234
00:08:11,634 --> 00:08:13,334
- but you just said
how great i looked.
235
00:08:13,401 --> 00:08:16,567
- for my own selfish purposes.
236
00:08:16,634 --> 00:08:18,800
The fact is,
as hot as you look,
237
00:08:18,867 --> 00:08:21,833
And it is quite hot,
238
00:08:21,900 --> 00:08:24,234
I wouldn't have said anything.
239
00:08:24,301 --> 00:08:26,434
When i talk
about people being evil,
240
00:08:26,501 --> 00:08:29,067
I could cite quotes
or dig up statistics,
241
00:08:29,134 --> 00:08:30,734
But those are just words
and numbers.
242
00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:35,134
I think we could have
a little more fun
243
00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:38,933
If i express myself
in song.
244
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:42,200
* evil woman *
245
00:08:42,267 --> 00:08:43,200
- * ba na na na na *
246
00:08:43,267 --> 00:08:45,334
- * evil woman *
247
00:08:45,401 --> 00:08:48,067
I knew you could do it.
248
00:08:48,134 --> 00:08:49,768
That's my time,
everybody.
249
00:08:49,833 --> 00:08:51,100
Thank you very much.
250
00:08:51,167 --> 00:08:54,034
Yeah!
[cheers and applause]
251
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:57,067
- at the end of round one,
252
00:08:57,134 --> 00:09:01,367
City college: 50,
253
00:09:01,434 --> 00:09:04,234
Greendale: 8.
254
00:09:04,301 --> 00:09:06,668
[cheers and applause]
255
00:09:11,467 --> 00:09:14,100
- i only got 8?
- she got 8. you got 0.
256
00:09:14,167 --> 00:09:16,401
it's a debate.
not american idol.
257
00:09:19,467 --> 00:09:21,634
- nice work, l.a. law.
258
00:09:21,701 --> 00:09:24,234
All sizzle, no steak.
259
00:09:24,301 --> 00:09:25,800
- i don't care, dude.
260
00:09:25,867 --> 00:09:27,668
I'm doing this
for a parking space.
261
00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:28,900
- let's go, boys.
come on, let's go.
262
00:09:28,967 --> 00:09:30,067
I want to see some hustlers
out here.
263
00:09:30,134 --> 00:09:31,367
Let's go.
264
00:09:31,434 --> 00:09:34,301
- by zeus, what sort
of jackassery is this?
265
00:09:34,367 --> 00:09:36,267
We're in the middle
of a championship debate.
266
00:09:36,334 --> 00:09:37,800
- we reserved the gym
267
00:09:37,867 --> 00:09:39,367
For practice.
268
00:09:39,434 --> 00:09:41,067
- uh, yep.
they reserved it.
269
00:09:41,134 --> 00:09:43,434
Okay, they've got us
by the short ones.
270
00:09:43,501 --> 00:09:46,034
The debate is suspended
until tomorrow.
271
00:09:46,100 --> 00:09:49,000
Hopefully, by then,
we can get our act together.
272
00:09:50,668 --> 00:09:53,167
- oh, great try, bruce!
great try.
273
00:09:54,801 --> 00:09:55,634
- jeff, wait,
when are we getting together
274
00:09:55,701 --> 00:09:57,134
To prepare for tomorrow?
275
00:09:57,200 --> 00:09:58,367
- never, because it's stupid,
and i don't care.
276
00:09:58,434 --> 00:10:01,734
Bite me.
277
00:10:02,501 --> 00:10:03,933
- maybe simmons is right.
278
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:06,234
You really are
all sizzle and no steak.
279
00:10:06,300 --> 00:10:08,100
You probably couldn't beat him
if you tried.
280
00:10:08,167 --> 00:10:09,434
- what do you mean
i can't beat him?
281
00:10:09,501 --> 00:10:10,834
You and i are gonna
study harder
282
00:10:10,900 --> 00:10:12,167
Than we've ever
studied before
283
00:10:12,234 --> 00:10:13,667
And beat city college
tomorrow.
284
00:10:13,734 --> 00:10:16,601
- really?
- no, who am i, icarly?
285
00:10:16,667 --> 00:10:18,267
- abed is right.
286
00:10:18,334 --> 00:10:20,467
You act like things
don't bother you, but they do.
287
00:10:20,534 --> 00:10:22,868
- look, six months ago,
i was a lawyer.
288
00:10:22,933 --> 00:10:24,334
I wore suits.
289
00:10:24,401 --> 00:10:27,100
I used to say stuff like,
"objection" and "sidebar."
290
00:10:27,167 --> 00:10:29,434
Now i'm losing
a community college debate
291
00:10:29,501 --> 00:10:31,434
To jeremy "soul patch" simmons.
292
00:10:31,501 --> 00:10:34,267
- hey, winger.
293
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:35,900
You like to sing?
294
00:10:35,967 --> 00:10:38,534
I like to sing too.
295
00:10:38,601 --> 00:10:40,434
* zero for winger *
296
00:10:40,501 --> 00:10:42,100
* ba na na na na na *
297
00:10:42,167 --> 00:10:43,434
Kick that.
298
00:10:43,501 --> 00:10:46,000
* was a big shot lawyer *
299
00:10:46,067 --> 00:10:47,768
* ba na na na na na na *
300
00:10:47,834 --> 00:10:53,634
* now he's
a lo-ooooo-ser *
301
00:10:53,701 --> 00:10:54,801
- lay off, simmons.
302
00:10:54,868 --> 00:10:55,701
Jeff didn't understand
the rules.
303
00:10:55,768 --> 00:10:58,334
- yeah?
304
00:10:58,401 --> 00:11:01,000
What's your excuse,
eight points?
305
00:11:01,067 --> 00:11:02,067
- dude, leave her
out of this.
306
00:11:02,134 --> 00:11:05,234
- * little annie adderall *
307
00:11:05,300 --> 00:11:08,234
* was an outcast
in high school *
308
00:11:08,300 --> 00:11:10,601
- that's it.
dude, we are gonna debate
309
00:11:10,667 --> 00:11:12,667
The living crap out of you.
310
00:11:12,734 --> 00:11:15,634
We've got some preparing
to do.
311
00:11:15,701 --> 00:11:17,467
- i liked you better
when you were smoking.
312
00:11:17,534 --> 00:11:20,000
- i'm so sorry.
- no, you're right.
313
00:11:20,067 --> 00:11:21,567
My feet are long
and stupid.
314
00:11:21,634 --> 00:11:23,501
You can't unring that bell.
315
00:11:23,567 --> 00:11:26,467
- [gasps]
oh, no.
316
00:11:26,534 --> 00:11:28,401
- that's my newspaper.
317
00:11:28,467 --> 00:11:29,768
- what do you need
a paper for?
318
00:11:29,834 --> 00:11:31,267
You knew what was gonna
happen yesterday,
319
00:11:31,334 --> 00:11:32,601
You middle-eastern
magic eight ball.
320
00:11:32,667 --> 00:11:34,000
Pierce hurt his leg,
321
00:11:34,067 --> 00:11:35,768
Britta made troy cry.
322
00:11:35,834 --> 00:11:37,100
What's my destiny?
323
00:11:37,167 --> 00:11:38,033
Am i gonna die
in a car?
324
00:11:38,100 --> 00:11:39,401
Is it gonna happen soon?
325
00:11:39,467 --> 00:11:40,434
- shirley, i have
no psychic abilities.
326
00:11:40,501 --> 00:11:41,933
I'm just an entertainer.
327
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:44,200
But if it'll make you feel
any better,
328
00:11:44,267 --> 00:11:47,167
Here, let me show you
what i'm working on.
329
00:11:47,234 --> 00:11:52,401
- [screams]
330
00:11:52,467 --> 00:11:55,067
- i'm sorry. is that me being
chased down by a werewolf?
331
00:11:55,134 --> 00:11:57,601
- yeah. and that's how you'd
behave in that situation, no?
332
00:11:57,667 --> 00:12:00,167
- the situation being me being
chased down by a werewolf.
333
00:12:00,234 --> 00:12:03,734
- mm-hmm.
- [screams]
334
00:12:03,801 --> 00:12:05,933
- [growls]
335
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:08,701
- and that's jeff locking lips
with annie.
336
00:12:08,768 --> 00:12:12,768
- mm-hmm. yeah.
- you're a fool.
337
00:12:12,834 --> 00:12:14,768
- so, in the experiment,
stanford students were divided
338
00:12:14,834 --> 00:12:16,033
Into prisoners and guards.
339
00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:18,033
The guards immediately started--
- uh!
340
00:12:18,100 --> 00:12:19,401
- what's wrong?
341
00:12:19,467 --> 00:12:22,267
- i have this weird pain
right above my eyebrow.
342
00:12:22,334 --> 00:12:23,534
- it's called a stress headache.
343
00:12:23,601 --> 00:12:24,900
I got my first one
when i was four.
344
00:12:24,967 --> 00:12:26,167
- i hate it.
345
00:12:26,234 --> 00:12:27,601
- well, get used to it.
346
00:12:27,667 --> 00:12:29,134
You're knee-deep in it now,
brother.
347
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:30,167
This is debate.
348
00:12:30,234 --> 00:12:31,267
If you want to win,
349
00:12:31,334 --> 00:12:33,000
You need to prepare.
350
00:12:33,067 --> 00:12:35,701
- well, agreed,
but if you want to win,
351
00:12:35,768 --> 00:12:37,868
You need to loosen up.
352
00:12:37,933 --> 00:12:40,634
Go off book, robot debater.
353
00:12:40,701 --> 00:12:44,000
- oh, my gosh.
354
00:12:44,067 --> 00:12:47,033
You're right.
355
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:50,933
Simmons is so good at using
his inherent magnetism
356
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:53,334
To sell his points,
and here i am,
357
00:12:53,401 --> 00:12:55,634
Like a spinster librarian
with my hair pulled back.
358
00:12:55,701 --> 00:12:56,900
- yeah.
359
00:13:06,567 --> 00:13:08,933
What do you think?
- yeah.
360
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:12,134
- thanks.
361
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:16,367
- be careful. abed thinks
you two are gonna kiss.
362
00:13:16,434 --> 00:13:18,067
[giggles]
ridiculous.
363
00:13:18,134 --> 00:13:19,667
- us.
364
00:13:19,734 --> 00:13:20,900
Kissing.
365
00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:22,701
That is ridiculous.
- totally.
366
00:13:22,768 --> 00:13:25,701
[giggles]
367
00:13:28,534 --> 00:13:29,367
We should get back
to work.
368
00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:31,100
- yes. um, okay.
369
00:13:31,167 --> 00:13:34,667
The people are inherently evil.
370
00:13:34,734 --> 00:13:37,567
- ooh, we can use
this hobbes quote.
371
00:13:37,634 --> 00:13:39,834
"man is a collection
372
00:13:39,933 --> 00:13:40,933
"of base animal urges.
373
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,834
"to act on them
and experience
374
00:13:43,900 --> 00:13:46,267
"sinful pleasure would be
morally no different
375
00:13:46,334 --> 00:13:48,401
Than taking a breath."
376
00:13:50,100 --> 00:13:52,367
That's poignant, right?
- yeah.
377
00:13:52,434 --> 00:13:54,634
You know,
maybe we should study alone.
378
00:13:54,701 --> 00:13:55,601
- yeah.
- separately.
379
00:13:55,667 --> 00:13:56,967
- uh-huh.
380
00:13:57,033 --> 00:14:01,100
That way we can be more
reproductive--productive!
381
00:14:01,167 --> 00:14:04,000
Both: bye.
[stammering]
382
00:14:07,634 --> 00:14:11,401
- oh, you forgot your phone.
- well, i can get another one.
383
00:14:11,467 --> 00:14:14,734
- the next time
you even see a cigarette,
384
00:14:14,801 --> 00:14:17,367
You will think
of things that disgust you.
385
00:14:20,900 --> 00:14:26,067
And while you're under so deep,
386
00:14:26,134 --> 00:14:28,567
You'll find yourself attracted
387
00:14:28,634 --> 00:14:30,401
To slightly older men.
388
00:14:30,467 --> 00:14:33,134
Perhaps,
some barrel-chested stud
389
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:36,567
With just enough tummy to love.
390
00:14:36,634 --> 00:14:38,601
You'll want to buy him dinner,
391
00:14:38,667 --> 00:14:41,067
Then go back to his hot tub.
392
00:14:41,134 --> 00:14:42,534
Perhaps, you'll invite
one of your friends
393
00:14:42,601 --> 00:14:43,900
To join us for a three-way.
394
00:14:43,967 --> 00:14:46,601
Maybe someone
with low self-esteem
395
00:14:46,667 --> 00:14:49,234
And slightly larger breasts.
396
00:14:49,300 --> 00:14:51,467
- go to hell,
you disgusting pig.
397
00:14:51,534 --> 00:14:52,801
- a-ha!
398
00:14:52,868 --> 00:14:54,434
- pierce, i was awake
the whole time.
399
00:14:54,501 --> 00:14:55,734
I was faking it.
- i know.
400
00:14:55,801 --> 00:14:57,534
I saw you.
401
00:14:57,601 --> 00:14:58,834
What do you think i am,
some kind of a joke?
402
00:14:58,900 --> 00:15:00,234
- no.
403
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:01,634
No, i was trying
to make you
404
00:15:01,701 --> 00:15:02,868
Feel better about yourself.
405
00:15:02,933 --> 00:15:06,134
- how dare you pity me?
406
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:09,067
I may be a little older,
407
00:15:09,134 --> 00:15:10,701
My ideas may seem weird,
408
00:15:10,768 --> 00:15:13,200
And my fashion sense
may cause envy.
409
00:15:13,267 --> 00:15:15,367
But i have a lot to offer.
410
00:15:15,434 --> 00:15:17,467
And i will not be pitied.
411
00:15:17,534 --> 00:15:20,367
[musical clatter]
412
00:15:25,768 --> 00:15:27,668
Do not help me up.
413
00:15:29,434 --> 00:15:32,834
- and as german poet
franz wickmeyer once wrote...
414
00:15:35,260 --> 00:15:37,467
"snow falls
from the heavens pure.
415
00:15:39,934 --> 00:15:43,133
"we cannot blame the snow
for being...
416
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:44,100
Soiled by the earth."
417
00:15:47,701 --> 00:15:49,133
[weeps]
418
00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:51,233
Man is good.
419
00:15:51,300 --> 00:15:54,167
[applause]
420
00:15:54,233 --> 00:15:55,968
- [weeps]
421
00:15:56,034 --> 00:15:57,767
What?
that dude gets it.
422
00:15:57,834 --> 00:16:00,634
- jeff winger will now offer
a two-minute rebuttal.
423
00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:05,734
- hey, sizzle.
424
00:16:05,801 --> 00:16:07,200
What are you gonna sing tonight?
425
00:16:07,267 --> 00:16:08,901
I'm in the mood
for some sade.
426
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:14,100
[snickers]
427
00:16:14,167 --> 00:16:16,634
- in the stanford
prison experiment,
428
00:16:16,701 --> 00:16:20,734
21 out of 21 students,
when given absolute power,
429
00:16:20,801 --> 00:16:23,634
Abused and tortured
their fellow students.
430
00:16:23,701 --> 00:16:27,334
My competitor likens people
to pure, falling snow.
431
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:31,467
I would respond,
"there is none righteous.
432
00:16:31,534 --> 00:16:33,068
No, not one."
433
00:16:33,133 --> 00:16:35,300
Now i realize mr. simmons' quote
434
00:16:35,367 --> 00:16:38,300
Was from the great
franz wickmeyer.
435
00:16:38,367 --> 00:16:41,968
Mine was just
from a simple desert handyman
436
00:16:42,034 --> 00:16:43,133
Named jesus.
437
00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:46,734
[dramatic music]
438
00:16:46,801 --> 00:16:49,500
- oh, that's nice!
439
00:16:49,567 --> 00:16:52,167
- survival of the fittest wires
an impulse to eliminate people
440
00:16:52,233 --> 00:16:53,701
Into our hearts.
- counterpoint.
441
00:16:53,767 --> 00:16:55,901
- mother teresa.
joan of arc.
442
00:16:55,968 --> 00:16:57,701
- rebuttal.
- nuclear bombs.
443
00:16:57,767 --> 00:16:59,834
- nuclear families.
- abu ghraib.
444
00:16:59,901 --> 00:17:00,968
- apu from the simpsons.
445
00:17:01,034 --> 00:17:02,200
- double rejoinder.
446
00:17:02,267 --> 00:17:04,034
- telemarketers.
- organ donors.
447
00:17:04,100 --> 00:17:05,500
- hate crimes.
- executions.
448
00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:07,100
- ketchup is a vegetable.
449
00:17:07,167 --> 00:17:09,968
This is a real barn-burner.
450
00:17:10,034 --> 00:17:11,834
God, did i just say
cross-burner?
451
00:17:11,901 --> 00:17:13,567
- no, you did not.
- oh, good.
452
00:17:13,634 --> 00:17:16,167
- we make an amazing team.
- i know. we're so in sync.
453
00:17:16,233 --> 00:17:18,300
It's like a perfect duet
or great s...
454
00:17:18,367 --> 00:17:19,867
Hey, professor whitman.
- jeffrey.
455
00:17:19,934 --> 00:17:21,233
Your preparation was impeccable.
456
00:17:21,300 --> 00:17:22,567
You remind me of a young me
457
00:17:22,634 --> 00:17:24,767
With slightly worse hair.
458
00:17:24,834 --> 00:17:26,601
- i just checked
with the judges.
459
00:17:26,667 --> 00:17:29,434
They'll need a miracle
to win in rebuttal.
460
00:17:29,500 --> 00:17:31,634
Simmons is finished.
461
00:17:31,701 --> 00:17:34,601
- this is too much for me.
462
00:17:35,834 --> 00:17:38,034
- whoa, whoa, whoa.
463
00:17:38,100 --> 00:17:39,767
He's going off book.
464
00:17:41,167 --> 00:17:42,267
- why is he ripping up
the cards?
465
00:17:42,334 --> 00:17:43,434
Doesn't he need the cards?
466
00:17:43,500 --> 00:17:46,034
- it's a gambit.
467
00:18:24,001 --> 00:18:26,434
- he hates me.
468
00:18:26,500 --> 00:18:28,934
Yet he caught me.
469
00:18:29,001 --> 00:18:30,167
- ooh.
470
00:18:30,233 --> 00:18:32,634
- man is good.
471
00:18:32,701 --> 00:18:34,734
[cheers and applause]
472
00:18:47,567 --> 00:18:51,167
- abed, abed.
473
00:18:51,233 --> 00:18:53,667
- he was horny.
474
00:18:53,734 --> 00:18:56,400
So he dropped him.
475
00:18:58,901 --> 00:19:02,100
Man is evil.
476
00:19:02,167 --> 00:19:05,767
[cheerful music]
477
00:19:07,100 --> 00:19:08,801
- greendale wins.
478
00:19:08,867 --> 00:19:12,100
[cheers and applause]
- huzzah!
479
00:19:14,667 --> 00:19:17,734
- eat that, simmons.
480
00:19:17,801 --> 00:19:20,300
- * alabama,
arkansas *
481
00:19:20,367 --> 00:19:21,267
* i do love my ma and pa *
482
00:19:21,334 --> 00:19:22,567
- that off-book enough
for ya?
483
00:19:22,634 --> 00:19:24,801
- * not the way
that i do love you *
484
00:19:26,601 --> 00:19:27,601
* ah, home *
485
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:28,934
* let me come home *
486
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:30,334
- simmons got robbed.
487
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:31,434
- they kissed.
488
00:19:31,500 --> 00:19:33,034
You do have powers.
489
00:19:33,100 --> 00:19:34,434
I'm gonna die by werewolf.
490
00:19:34,500 --> 00:19:36,534
- shirley, i don't have powers.
trust me.
491
00:19:36,601 --> 00:19:39,334
In my next film, we discover
that pierce is an actual genius.
492
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:40,767
- well, that's not gonna happen.
493
00:19:40,834 --> 00:19:41,801
- no, it's not.
494
00:19:41,867 --> 00:19:43,001
- pierce,
495
00:19:43,068 --> 00:19:44,467
I can't smoke
a cigarette
496
00:19:44,534 --> 00:19:46,767
Without thinking of a three-way
in your hot tub.
497
00:19:46,834 --> 00:19:48,300
You did it.
498
00:19:48,367 --> 00:19:49,968
- yes.
i did?
499
00:19:50,034 --> 00:19:54,267
- you're a genius.
- ah! who's the third?
500
00:19:54,334 --> 00:19:56,834
[laughter]
- you did great in there!
501
00:19:56,901 --> 00:19:59,133
- let's take
this bacchanalia outside.
502
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:03,701
Full moon tonight.
- whoo!
503
00:20:03,767 --> 00:20:05,901
- shirley.
504
00:20:05,968 --> 00:20:09,867
- well, i'm going this way,
so...
505
00:20:09,934 --> 00:20:13,701
- well, um, congratulations,
buddy.
506
00:20:13,767 --> 00:20:16,634
- thanks, pal.
507
00:20:22,367 --> 00:20:26,334
Just pat me.
508
00:20:31,734 --> 00:20:35,867
- [beatboxes]
509
00:20:35,934 --> 00:20:38,233
- [rapping]
donde esta la biblioteca?
510
00:20:38,300 --> 00:20:40,767
me llamo t-bone,
la arana discoteca.
511
00:20:40,834 --> 00:20:42,334
- [rapping]
discoteca, muneca,
512
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:45,934
la biblioteca es en bigote
grande, perro, manteca.
513
00:20:46,001 --> 00:20:48,267
- manteca, bigote, gigante--
- cut, cut.
514
00:20:48,334 --> 00:20:49,634
Let me ask you a question.
do you hate this?
515
00:20:49,701 --> 00:20:51,300
Do you hate doing this?
516
00:20:51,367 --> 00:20:52,734
Do you?
517
00:20:52,801 --> 00:20:54,667
Let me talk to you.
can i talk to you for a second?
518
00:20:54,734 --> 00:20:56,467
Just hold on.
what is this?
519
00:20:56,534 --> 00:20:57,968
- i don't know.
520
00:20:58,034 --> 00:21:02,434
They're just trying to do
what they're gonna do.
521
00:21:02,500 --> 00:21:03,767
Uh, just have fun with it.
522
00:21:05,901 --> 00:21:06,901
Take 36.
523
00:22:20,300 --> 00:22:21,667
- okay, as everybody knows,
524
00:22:21,734 --> 00:22:24,834
the spirit of pawnee
was defaced again last night.
525
00:22:24,901 --> 00:22:26,334
- what was it this time?
526
00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:29,100
- chocolate pudding.
- huh. that's new.
527
00:22:29,167 --> 00:22:31,068
The mural that normally
resides here
528
00:22:31,133 --> 00:22:33,567
is called
the spirit of pawnee,
529
00:22:33,634 --> 00:22:35,068
And it's very controversial.
530
00:22:35,133 --> 00:22:38,300
We've had someone
throw acid at it, tomato sauce.
531
00:22:38,367 --> 00:22:39,901
Someone
tried to stab it once.
532
00:22:39,968 --> 00:22:43,233
We really need
better security here.
533
00:22:43,300 --> 00:22:47,334
We also need...
better, less-offensive history.
534
00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:49,001
- so the city council
has decided
535
00:22:49,068 --> 00:22:50,834
that the spirit of pawnee
should be changed
536
00:22:50,901 --> 00:22:53,534
To something just
a little less horrifying.
537
00:22:53,601 --> 00:22:56,701
Now since the murals were made
by government employees
538
00:22:56,767 --> 00:22:57,734
Back in the 1930s,
539
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:02,500
www.tvsubtitles.net
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
www.tvsubtitles.net