Good morning, greendale!
As you know, it is April fool's day.
Just kidding--it's the day before April fool's.
Baba booey, baba booey, baba booey.
You know what, leonard? Strike two!
Anyway, just reminding you to keep any April fool's prank
Physically safe, politically balanced,
And racially accessible.
When in doubt, check the guidelines
In our college pranks literature.
i>- "guidelines for school-sanctioned pranks."
Huh, reminds me of my favorite college comedy.
- Oh, which one? - Exactly.
See, the dean doesn't get it.
The point of a practical joke is to shake up the system.
For example, who wants some of these?
Cool, yeah.
Looking for something?
- Nice. - Oh!
They allow student volunteers for campus security
During times of heightened shenanigans.
- Oh! - I want to be security.
Ooh, let's do it together. We can be partners.
That's a buddy cop movie I would watch.
But I wonder which of you would be by the book,
And which of you would be the bad-ass.
Oh, abed, you're so silly.
I'd be the bad-ass.
Greetings, mortals!
Morning! Snake in a can?
Oh, no, thanks. I'm fasting.
My buddhist church
Is having its annual ascension ceremony,
And I will be becoming
A level six laser lotus.
I know. I was speechless too.
Anyway, I have to detoxify for the ceremony.
I get all the nutrients I need with salt water and honey.
Even better if it goes down the wrong--
The wrong pipe.
So what happens in level six?
Well, nobody in my hive has ever seen a six.
But, uh, from what I hear,
I'll have immunity to germs,
Heightened psychic ability,
And improved night vision.
i>- Any bonuses to your kombat score?
I assume I'll fight better if I can see more.
Dumb ass.
Hey, pierce, I just remembered.
Right before you got here, some guy was delivering
Level six ceremonial robes?
What?! Why didn't you tell me?
Maybe if you run, you can catch him.
Way to use your brain, winger.
Abed, how fast can you run to the theater department?
37 seconds.
Don't come back without something ridiculous. Go.
Got it.
Guys, you realize you're exploiting the naivete
Of a man who is being brainwashed by a cult?
i>- Oh, well, it sounds a lot less fun when you say it.
Everything does. She's a buzz kill.
I'm not a buzz kill.
- Mm. - Mm-hmm.
Yeah, that doesn't really describe it.
You're more of a fun vampire,
Because you don't suck blood, you just suck.
He wasn't there.
Oh, I think abed found him.
Hey, give me that.
Ohh. It's amazing.
Wow!
It is absolutely gorgeous.
How do I look?
Yeah?
- Magical. - Great.
Of course, the only one who doesn't like this is britta.
Do you ever get tired of being a buzz kill?
?T× I can't count ?T×
?T× the reasons I should stay ?T×
This is gonna be exciting, ladies.
I hereby deputize you
As campus security for 48 hours.
Your windbreakers.
Your whistles.
Oh! Oh, okay.
Okay, now, I only have the one pepper spray.
It's mine.
But I'll just get my groceries
In a better neighborhood this week.
I'll carry it.
Between the two of us, I'm sort of the bad-ass.
You are? Uh, how do you figure?
I don't know, shirley. How did you figure I wasn't?
I guess I didn't figure because I was too busy
Being the obvious bad-ass.
Sounds like we're both pretty convinced.
I guess we'll find out who's right once we're on the job.
Hmm, I guess we will.
I'm sorry, what is going on here?
A twist on a classic formula.
Normally, with buddy cops,
One's a straight-laced stickler,
And the other's a renegade.
But these two have equal claim to both roles.
And why are you here?
Well, short answer:
My cable went out.
hey... Can I run something by you?
?T× I was thinking of pulling a little prank tonight ?T×
All right.
For April fool's, a prank.
So you know how they have live frogs
In the anatomy lab?
Oh, yeah.
So I was gonna sneak in there, get a frog,
And then tomorrow,
When se?±or chang's class is coming in,
There will be a frog on his desk
Wearing...
Ta da!
Oh, you're done.
Did you read the hat?
- Se?±or chang. - Yeah.
Oh, you don't get it.
- I guess I don't. - The frog is chang.
Okay, I did get it. It's funny.
I know it's funny. Oh, wait, I forgot--
It's not your kind of joke. It's not at anyone's expense.
Britta, why waste your time envying my gift for levity
When there's so much you could be doing
With your natural talent for severity?
You know what?
My prank is gonna cause a sea of laughter,
And I am gonna watch you drown in it.
That a girl!
Seven.
That's right.
Jeff, I can read minds.
No way.
What color am I thinking of?
Pink?
What the hey?
Must be the robe.
Yeah.
Hey...Cookie crisp.
Cookie crisp.
Is he talking to me?
i>- No. No.
Hey, pierce, that guy came back that brought your robes
And said he forgot to deliver...This.
What is it?
He said it focuses your powers?
Is that a cookie?
Maybe it's a piece of meteor.
Buddha arrived on a meteor!
When was the last time he ate?
I am the coolest guy
In the world.
Ugh. Hello, mr. Frog.
Can I just borrow you for a second?
"I'm se?±or chang."
Now tell me that's not funny.
aah! Oh!
Wait!
here froggy, here froggy.
Here froggy.
now real quiet.
Aah!
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Yaaah!
ohh.
aah!
Oh, that's horrible.
Oh, god, that's horrible!
Someone dropped a dead body out that window.
Is this was a brand-new sign, so...
I just don't want this to tarnish
Our school's reputation.
Don't worry, your school's reputation
Is way worse than this.
oh...
Here's our campus security.
Yeah, just stop right there.
Oh, ladies, don't pull up on that--
Ooh.
Oh, annie.
Mornin', boys.
I'm annie edison.
People call me "psycho"
Because I had a nervous breakdown in high school.
My partner's a christian housewife.
Can we help you?
Actually, can we not help you?
I tend to play by my own rules.
She loves rules. I only have one.
Stay out of my way.
Stay out of mine more.
You know what? This is misdemeanor vandalism.
You ladies can take care of it yourselves.
Oh, wait.
Wait, wait, wait-- what?
Call us when you find a perp.
yeah, we'll be waiting.
Ohh.
- You go. - I'm about to.
Now look what you have done!
Tell them they got 24 hours to solve the case.
They do! You have 24 hours to solve it, or else.
Figure it out!
That's the poster.
Well, this is the part of my job
That I enjoy the least.
The part where I inform you that, last night,
Someone murdered a partially clothed animal
And threw a human corpse out a window.
And you can thank the person that did it,
A person that may be in this room,
For the fact that, from now on,
April fool's day is banished, okay?
At greendale, April 1st
Is officially March 32nd, forever!
How do you know it was one of us?
Well, if I may answer a question with a question,
Why are you dressed like a wizard?
Okay, is he having a stroke?
I'll tell you how I know!
Security officers bennett and edison
Found this at the scene, hmm?
This little hat says "chang" on it.
And we ruled out your teacher,
Because he has a crippling fear of frogs.
I told you that in confidence!
How about whoever did this just fesses up?
All right, that wasn't just a cadaver
That was thrown out that window.
It was a person.
With family and friends.
And for every day that nobody confesses,
This class will be meeting one of them, hmm?
Glenda! Oh, I apologize.
Can you come on in here, hmm?
Yes.
And tell us about your son.
Oh, yes. Hello, everyone.
Hello.
Hello, glenda.
Oh. There, heh.
Harry was a wonderful man.
He kept a dream journal.
Page one.
"I had that dream again
"where I'm in a forest.
But the trees are pencils."
Hey.
- Impressive. - Ohh.
And hilarious.
You gonna 'fess up, weirdo?
Look, it wasn't me.
And even if it was,
This was an accident.
I knew it. Nicely done.
If I come forward,
It's gonna play into the whole
"britta's a buzz kill" mythology.
Well, the toe tag fits, britta.
I mean, you single-handedly killed an entire school's buzz,
Not to mention a frog.
And according to glenda, cadaver harry
Had 13 nieces and nephews
That I'm not interested in meeting.
So you better think about coming clean
Or I'm just gonna tell everybody you did it.
- Star-burns doesn't do very much.
I guess fascinating people
Don't resort to growing shapes on their faces.
He makes one false move, and I'm gonna go shirley on him.
That's what my high school friends called crazy.
Yeah? Are you gonna go shirlier than I did
When I got addicted to pills?
Why are you so concerned with being a bad-ass?
Maybe I'm tired of everyone thinking of me as a little girl.
Maybe I wanna be in charge of how I'm defined.
Well, how do you think I feel?
You have two kids, and they stick you in the margins.
I'm not done yet. I still got moves.
I haven't even started yet.
I've got moves I haven't even seen before.
Blocked call.
Ooh.
Edison.
the man you're looking for
Is jeff winger.
- Jeff winger. - Who is this?
I didn't recognize the voice.
They say jeff winger's our man.
Oh!
Drop 'em if you smoke 'em.
- Cut to action sequence. - Let's roll.
Security comin' through.
mr. Winger.
Cagney, lacey. What can I do you for?
Just doing a routine search.
What is this? What do you have here?
- That's my chest. - Why don't you spread 'em?
- Huh? - Okay. Guys...
- I can pat. - I can pat too.
I can do it too.
So, uh, what do you got in the bag?
- Yeah. - What the--
Let's see what we have here.
Holy mary, mother of pearl.
What do we have here?
Looks like enough tiny items
To equip an amphibious mariachi band.
Of frogs.
- That is not my stuff. - Hmm.
Britta. Britta planted that.
Sure she did.
Tell that to what our equivalent of a judge is.
Wha--oh!
What?
Ooh, he's getting away!
Oh, stop! I'm not gonna like you!
- Go, go! - Come on.
Okay, he's right there. You gotta go faster!
what are these doing here?
He's getting away!
Go after him on foot.
I'm going after him on foot.
Cut him off on the other side.
I'm cutting him off on the other side!
Tell me what you doin'.
Stop, or I'll shoot!
I said stop!
Oh, god, no!
Aah!
Ohh!
oh, it burns!
- Uh-huh. Oh, great. He got away!
Good job.
He got away because of your driving, grandma.
Oh, I beg your pardon. Hannah montana!
Oh! I'm sorry. Are you hard of hearing?
You know what? This is why you have hardly any friends.
Looks like I have one less now.
Do I look like I'm crying?
These are not tears!
This is self-inflicted friendly fire, okay?
That's what happens to children!
You have no idea what I've been through today!
I've gotta pay for this!
Excuse me...I have to go to the bathroom.
I'll give you the rest of these chocolate-covered raisins
If you save my seat.
I don't want you to feel judged by this,
But your handling of this job has disappointed me.
I mean, your high-speed pursuit
Caused $78 dollars worth of damages.
And you didn't even get a statement out of mr. Winger?
- He got away. - He ran between two poles.
Well, I see how that would be frustrating,
- But the fact is... - Your ass is on the line.
My ass is on the line.
You just got off the phone with the mayor.
I just got off the phone with the--
What? The mayor? Stop doing that!
I'm trying to help. You're not doing this right.
Well, maybe you should do it.
I'm sick and tired
Of making excuses for you two!
You're an embarrassment to the department!
You're off the case and off the force.
Your badges, your windbreakers, now.
Now! I ain't got all day!
Agitated my sciatica.
I'm too old for this! Now get out of my sight.
Thought you were bad-asses, huh?
Real bad-asses work together.
Hmm?
All I see is a housewife and a girl scout.
- Hey! - Abed!
I said get out!
And don't even think about getting near this case.
Uh-uh!
Pretty harsh.
Oh, don't worry. That's what they needed.
Well, that was embarrassing.
I know.
That african-american police chief character
Abed was playing was right.
We should have worked as a team.
I don't know about you.
I don't need a badge to finish this.
I say we nail winger to the wall.
Together?
Together.
How do you spell "testicles"?
- Nice frame job, britta-dict arnold.
Ohh! Colonial burn.
Come on, jeff.
Where is that trademark gift for levity?
Well, well, well.
Look who we found.
Yes, how foolish of me to hide
In my regularly scheduled study group.
Jeff, ahem, let's just do this the easy way.
Confess.
Britta's the one who threw that body out the window,
And I can prove it.
How?
Britta was going to put a frog
Wearing a sombrero on chang's desk
Because that's the kind of thing
She thinks is funny.
Don't you, britta?
No.
Then why is there a photo on your facebook page
Of a cat wearing a necktie?
Pff! It's my cat.
And the tie makes him...
Formal.
This investigation is going nowhere.
You need a psychic.
Perfect.
Um...This process may alarm you.
Ooh! Gay. Gay, gay, gay, gay.
So gay.
Dark nightclub.
Throbbing music.
Men's roo-- men's room stall.
Penis!
Two penises!
Agh, this is gay! It's so gay!
Uggh!
- Pierce! - What?
Sit down!
- - - we'll take it from here.
Jeff, where were you last night?
- At a bar. - Called it!
- Who can confirm that? - Your mama.
- What?! - Well, I'm--
- Uhh! - Ohh!
Uhh!
What the hell, annie?
Her name's not annie. It's psycho.
And if I were you, I'd tell her what she wants to hear.
That's right, because if I have to hand you off to shirley,
You're gonna enter a kitchen of pain.
Uhh!
Guys, stop it!
Stop it. I did it.
I framed jeff.
I'm sorry, jeff.
But why?
Because I'm a buzz kill, that's why.
Because...
That's who I am. That's my role.
You guys, you create fun, and I destroy it.
Of course a silly little joke ends with a--
A dead body on the lawn.
I should have known that.
But I wanted to do it anyway,
'cause I wanted to be like you.
I wanted to be funny.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Cancer!
Oh, good! Come on in!
I thought it was britta!
well...Britta...
I actually want to be taken more seriously.
The only reason I slammed jeff's head against the table
Was because I wanted to feel like an adult.
like shirley!
ohh.
And I wanted to feel younger, like annie.
You know, it's not that I'm really old,
'cause people don't know how young I really am.
See, I'm doing it again.
I hate that I obsess about my age.
I know!
I wish I was really magic.
You know you're not?
Yeah.
Somebody must have sent these robes by accident.
I only pretended I was level six
To impress you guys.
I got held back!
Ohh!
I don't even deserve this buddhist meteor wand.
Ohh.
it's not a meteor!
It's a cookie wand!
Me and jeff made it
Because it made you look more like the cookie crisp wizard.
Which is not even a reference I get
Because the cookie crisp mascot
Wasn't a wizard when I was a kid.
It was a burglar.
I just... Pretended like I knew
Because I wanted jeff to think I was smart.
- Ohh! - Ohh!
Great, I did again!
I killed the buzz.
Look, um...
Maybe...Maybe "buzz kill"
Is a bad choice of words.
What's a good choice of words?
Look, I have no-- um, uh...
You're--you're--
You're like the dark cloud that unites us.
Ohh.
- Or the anti -winger.
Uh...Look, you're-- you're--
You're the heart of this group.
Uh, look, I don't, um...
I don't have a real handle on all this mushy stuff.
If I did, then we wouldn't need you.
britta!
Get over here.
Really?
- Yes! - Yeah! Come over here!
Let's never let jeff divide us again.
Hey, abed...
Why are you and I the only sane--
Shh! Just watch.
It's beautiful.
Troy, do you want a bite of my wand?
I do.
We really appreciate you doing this.
- Oh, sure. - And 3, 2, 1.
?T× troy and abed in the mornin' ?T×
And we're back. Look who's here.
Jeff winger.
Jeff, how do you stay so fit?
Uh, diet, exercise, genetics.
sure, sure.
Okay, so it seems as though we have a clip.
You want to set it up for us?
Uh, I'd like to,
But I don't know what you're talking about.
Okay, we'll just roll it.
ooh, my name's jeff winger.
hey, I'm jeff winger.
I'm so tall.
Ah, this watch is expensive.
- Muscles are everywhere. - Oh, that was really funny.
You guys, what's going on? Where are the cameras?
Oh, we're not filming this.
No, who'd want to watch this?
Oh, guys, it's 6:00 a.M.
Jeez!
We're not gonna have him back.
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