1 00:00:00,175 --> 00:00:02,839 And that's how paleolithic hunting tribes 2 00:00:02,959 --> 00:00:05,218 overtook early agricultural civilizations. 3 00:00:05,285 --> 00:00:07,954 Ah. That's an interesting answer, miss Edison. 4 00:00:08,021 --> 00:00:10,623 - Is it right? - Don't know. Don't care. 5 00:00:10,691 --> 00:00:12,208 But so far, you're all getting As. 6 00:00:12,276 --> 00:00:14,494 [Cheers and applause] 7 00:00:14,561 --> 00:00:15,595 You're welcome. 8 00:00:15,662 --> 00:00:16,996 Are you sure everyone should get as? 9 00:00:17,064 --> 00:00:18,364 It seems a little unfair to the people 10 00:00:18,432 --> 00:00:19,699 that actually studied. 11 00:00:19,750 --> 00:00:21,717 Throw paper balls at her head until she sits down. 12 00:00:21,785 --> 00:00:24,904 - Oh! What? Oh. - [Laughs] 13 00:00:24,955 --> 00:00:27,707 - Sitting. I'm sitting. - Good. Very good. 14 00:00:27,774 --> 00:00:29,842 A-pluses for all of you. 15 00:00:29,910 --> 00:00:31,744 [Cheers and applause] 16 00:00:31,812 --> 00:00:34,297 Professor Duncan, you are such a great teacher 17 00:00:34,381 --> 00:00:35,431 when you're drinking. 18 00:00:35,499 --> 00:00:37,333 - Thank you, Darrell. - It's Troy. 19 00:00:37,417 --> 00:00:39,752 Hey, the man wants to give Darrell an "A," 20 00:00:39,820 --> 00:00:41,087 let him do it. 21 00:00:41,155 --> 00:00:45,091 - Nice shot. - Oh, thanks. 22 00:00:45,142 --> 00:00:50,012 A toast to the easiest school, the dumbest dean... 23 00:00:50,097 --> 00:00:52,482 And the ultimate blow off class. 24 00:00:52,566 --> 00:00:54,984 Anthropology. Who knew? 25 00:00:55,068 --> 00:00:57,687 [Cheers and applause] 26 00:00:57,771 --> 00:00:58,971 - Hey, Shirley. - Hmm? 27 00:00:59,039 --> 00:01:00,039 You're not drinking. 28 00:01:00,107 --> 00:01:02,008 Someone is cruising for an A-minus. 29 00:01:02,075 --> 00:01:03,976 Oh, no, no, I'm with child. 30 00:01:04,044 --> 00:01:05,027 Well, if it's my child, 31 00:01:05,112 --> 00:01:06,712 it's okay to have a drink or two. 32 00:01:06,780 --> 00:01:09,415 Chang babies love the sauce, you know? 33 00:01:09,483 --> 00:01:13,152 Alcohol and duck. 34 00:01:13,220 --> 00:01:16,122 Zoink. 35 00:01:16,190 --> 00:01:18,257 This is not your child, Chang. 36 00:01:18,325 --> 00:01:20,159 - It's Andre's. - How do you know? 37 00:01:20,227 --> 00:01:21,928 Because I don't see any locusts. 38 00:01:21,995 --> 00:01:24,297 Besides, a woman knows these things. 39 00:01:24,364 --> 00:01:25,998 Women have a connectedness to their bodies 40 00:01:26,066 --> 00:01:27,700 that you would never understand. 41 00:01:27,768 --> 00:01:30,052 [Whispers] You have a booger. 42 00:01:30,137 --> 00:01:32,004 I know. It's part of me. 43 00:01:32,072 --> 00:01:33,806 Hey. Can we please do the exam? 44 00:01:33,874 --> 00:01:35,808 Question number two: 45 00:01:35,859 --> 00:01:38,060 How awesome is it that this class is fake? 46 00:01:38,145 --> 00:01:40,179 [Cheers and applause] 47 00:01:40,247 --> 00:01:42,732 Here is to never telling the dean. 48 00:01:42,816 --> 00:01:46,536 [Cheers and applause] 49 00:01:48,288 --> 00:01:49,755 [Glass shatters] 50 00:01:49,823 --> 00:01:53,042 And that is what Jews do at weddings. 51 00:01:53,126 --> 00:01:55,928 - Anthropology! - L'Chaim! 52 00:01:55,996 --> 00:01:59,832 ♪ Give me some rope time in a dream ♪ 53 00:01:59,883 --> 00:02:03,135 ♪ give me the hope to run out of steam ♪ 54 00:02:03,203 --> 00:02:06,439 ♪ somebody said we could be here ♪ 55 00:02:06,506 --> 00:02:10,509 ♪ we could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year ♪ 56 00:02:10,561 --> 00:02:15,381 ♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪ 57 00:02:15,449 --> 00:02:17,602 ♪ one by one, they all just fade away ♪ 58 00:02:17,802 --> 00:02:22,602 Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 59 00:02:22,623 --> 00:02:25,524 Oh, professor Duncan, class, 60 00:02:25,576 --> 00:02:26,859 this is Mr. Jacobson. 61 00:02:26,927 --> 00:02:29,595 He's a writer who's doing a piece on me 62 00:02:29,663 --> 00:02:31,297 for Dean Magazine. 63 00:02:31,365 --> 00:02:34,400 - Ah! - I know, right? 64 00:02:34,468 --> 00:02:35,567 Well, keep taking your exam. 65 00:02:35,619 --> 00:02:37,736 Don't let my presence distract you. 66 00:02:37,788 --> 00:02:40,206 I'm sort of a father figure to the kids around here 67 00:02:40,257 --> 00:02:43,709 for my "outside the box" approach to education. 68 00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:46,912 You know, like that film Children of the Corn. 69 00:02:46,980 --> 00:02:49,982 - Oh, professor. - What? 70 00:02:50,050 --> 00:02:53,919 - Proceed. - Yes. 71 00:02:53,987 --> 00:02:57,757 The Anthropology final. 72 00:02:57,824 --> 00:03:01,994 Do you know what, I have left the exam paper in my office. 73 00:03:02,062 --> 00:03:03,980 But it is a real doozy. 74 00:03:04,064 --> 00:03:06,699 There is an interactive element. 75 00:03:06,767 --> 00:03:08,534 A performance component. 76 00:03:08,601 --> 00:03:10,102 And I don't want to tip it, 77 00:03:10,170 --> 00:03:14,440 but there may be a lump of clay coming to everyone in the room. 78 00:03:14,508 --> 00:03:17,660 So, uh, toodle-oo. Cheerio. 79 00:03:17,744 --> 00:03:21,414 Wowee. This is a real college. 80 00:03:21,481 --> 00:03:23,182 So after this, 81 00:03:23,250 --> 00:03:25,418 we should check out the world food festival 82 00:03:25,485 --> 00:03:26,585 in the parking lot. 83 00:03:26,653 --> 00:03:28,421 No way. 84 00:03:28,488 --> 00:03:31,290 There are lunch trucks with 18 different nationalities 85 00:03:31,341 --> 00:03:32,642 of food. 86 00:03:32,726 --> 00:03:35,261 You know what, not different. Equal. Equal to whites. 87 00:03:35,312 --> 00:03:37,830 You know what, better than whites. 88 00:03:37,898 --> 00:03:39,131 Oh, I think that sounds 89 00:03:39,199 --> 00:03:41,801 like an awesome thing to do immediately. 90 00:03:41,868 --> 00:03:46,639 I bet the reader Dean Magazine would love it. 91 00:03:46,707 --> 00:03:47,973 I'm good. 92 00:03:48,041 --> 00:03:49,241 I'd like to stay here and check out 93 00:03:49,309 --> 00:03:50,526 this unorthodox exam. 94 00:03:50,610 --> 00:03:53,145 [Students groan] 95 00:03:53,213 --> 00:03:54,497 - Shirley, you okay? - Uh-huh. 96 00:03:54,581 --> 00:03:56,182 Just a little indigestion. 97 00:03:56,249 --> 00:03:58,017 I've been having it all morning. 98 00:03:58,085 --> 00:03:59,352 Are you sure it isn't contractions? 99 00:03:59,419 --> 00:04:02,021 No, no, no. It's way too early for any of that. 100 00:04:02,089 --> 00:04:04,156 Um, my other two came right on schedule. 101 00:04:04,207 --> 00:04:05,791 Maybe even a little late. 102 00:04:05,859 --> 00:04:06,892 Jordan was in here so long, 103 00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:08,494 he came out with a driver's license. 104 00:04:08,545 --> 00:04:12,665 [Laughs] I'm kidding. That's not true. Ooh. 105 00:04:12,733 --> 00:04:14,183 Chang babies are always premature. 106 00:04:14,267 --> 00:04:16,852 We gestate fast because we're better at obtaining nutrients. 107 00:04:16,937 --> 00:04:18,170 Some need only eight months, 108 00:04:18,238 --> 00:04:21,974 depending on how much of the mother they eat. 109 00:04:22,042 --> 00:04:27,029 Oh, uh, Shirley, that is full of chemicals. 110 00:04:27,114 --> 00:04:28,864 I wouldn't expose your baby to that. 111 00:04:28,949 --> 00:04:31,217 Actually, my doctor said antacid is safe to take. 112 00:04:31,284 --> 00:04:33,119 Yeah, let me guess who paid for that study. 113 00:04:33,186 --> 00:04:34,620 Big antacid. 114 00:04:34,688 --> 00:04:36,756 Shirley, chew on a eucalyptus root 115 00:04:36,823 --> 00:04:39,742 and--I know it sounds gross-- [Whispers] pig saliva. 116 00:04:39,826 --> 00:04:42,294 It's the same active ingredient as antacid. 117 00:04:42,362 --> 00:04:44,046 They just dress it up with a fancy name. 118 00:04:44,131 --> 00:04:45,264 How dare they. 119 00:04:45,332 --> 00:04:46,565 Hey, you want to see a movie today? 120 00:04:46,633 --> 00:04:47,883 - Word. - Cool. 121 00:04:47,968 --> 00:04:52,338 - Hey, guys, why do you do that? - Do what? 122 00:04:53,974 --> 00:04:56,375 - It's cool. - How? 123 00:04:56,443 --> 00:04:58,377 I don't know. It just is. 124 00:04:58,445 --> 00:05:01,514 Well, let me in. Let me in to the handshake. 125 00:05:01,565 --> 00:05:03,349 Give you $1,000. 126 00:05:05,919 --> 00:05:08,354 Indecent Proposal. Indecent Proposal. 127 00:05:08,422 --> 00:05:09,855 - Woody. - Demi. 128 00:05:09,923 --> 00:05:13,259 Nice. 129 00:05:21,234 --> 00:05:24,036 [Student coughs] 130 00:05:24,104 --> 00:05:26,872 You two gonna fall in love? 131 00:05:26,923 --> 00:05:28,073 - [Scoffs] - No. 132 00:05:28,141 --> 00:05:30,476 I don't know. [Scoffs] 133 00:05:34,247 --> 00:05:36,782 So have you considered natural childbirth? 134 00:05:36,850 --> 00:05:38,984 Are you kidding me? I'll take whatever they got. 135 00:05:39,052 --> 00:05:40,986 An epidural is a proper Christian woman's only chance 136 00:05:41,054 --> 00:05:42,054 to get wrecked. 137 00:05:42,122 --> 00:05:43,222 Yeah, but from what I'm told, 138 00:05:43,290 --> 00:05:44,990 the real high is the endorphin rush 139 00:05:45,058 --> 00:05:46,425 of a chemical-free birth. 140 00:05:46,493 --> 00:05:47,926 I read an article that said 141 00:05:47,978 --> 00:05:49,895 some women can actually achieve or-- 142 00:05:49,946 --> 00:05:52,531 Uh-uh, no, no, no. Thank you for the conversation. 143 00:05:52,599 --> 00:05:53,783 I know what you're talking about. 144 00:05:53,867 --> 00:05:54,900 And even if it were true, 145 00:05:54,968 --> 00:05:56,135 that's not something a woman does 146 00:05:56,203 --> 00:05:57,119 on her child's head. 147 00:05:57,204 --> 00:05:58,337 - But-- - Mmm! 148 00:05:58,405 --> 00:05:59,338 Listen, backseat birther, 149 00:05:59,406 --> 00:06:01,240 Shirley's on her third kid. 150 00:06:01,308 --> 00:06:02,775 She doesn't need a third-year-old slacker 151 00:06:02,843 --> 00:06:04,777 with two one-eyed cats governing her body. 152 00:06:04,845 --> 00:06:07,746 First of all, together, my cats can do anything. 153 00:06:07,798 --> 00:06:10,149 Secondly, you disqualified yourself from this conversation 154 00:06:10,217 --> 00:06:12,117 the moment you decided to grow a wang. 155 00:06:12,169 --> 00:06:13,252 I regret nothing. 156 00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:14,553 I feel sorry for the airhead 157 00:06:14,621 --> 00:06:16,422 that you're gonna knock up at the age of 70. 158 00:06:16,490 --> 00:06:17,890 You're gonna be sitting in the waiting room 159 00:06:17,957 --> 00:06:19,191 playing Solitaire on your BlackBerry 160 00:06:19,259 --> 00:06:21,827 while a life is created ten feet from you. 161 00:06:21,895 --> 00:06:24,830 Oh, and you're gonna squat in a babbling brook 162 00:06:24,898 --> 00:06:27,633 and a beautiful star child is going to slide out 163 00:06:27,701 --> 00:06:29,835 on a ray of sunshine while your cats each half watch 164 00:06:29,903 --> 00:06:31,270 because you're so natural. 165 00:06:31,338 --> 00:06:34,106 [Water breaks, students gasp] 166 00:06:34,174 --> 00:06:35,941 Oh-oh. Okay. Oh, boy. 167 00:06:35,992 --> 00:06:39,211 Can someone please get every mop on campus? 168 00:06:39,279 --> 00:06:42,348 Um, did you break water? Is that broken water? 169 00:06:42,415 --> 00:06:44,783 - That's broken water! - Chang baby! 170 00:06:46,893 --> 00:06:49,142 Just nice and easy, careful... 171 00:06:49,262 --> 00:06:51,643 Oh, father, God almighty, this isn't happening. 172 00:06:51,727 --> 00:06:52,811 It's too soon. 173 00:06:52,895 --> 00:06:54,262 I don't want my baby's first memory 174 00:06:54,313 --> 00:06:57,499 - to be star-burns. - Oh, goodness. All right. 175 00:06:57,567 --> 00:07:00,468 This is not a big deal. Wait. I mean, it is a big deal. 176 00:07:00,536 --> 00:07:03,104 It's just not a big bad deal. It's a big good deal. 177 00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:04,506 If I could have everyone's attention-- 178 00:07:04,574 --> 00:07:06,641 Actually would like not to have your attention. 179 00:07:06,709 --> 00:07:08,293 Okay, give me your attention. 180 00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:11,046 This student is having a baby. What am I talking about? 181 00:07:11,113 --> 00:07:12,314 You already know. 182 00:07:12,381 --> 00:07:13,765 Okay, here's-- Okay, here's what it is. 183 00:07:13,833 --> 00:07:14,949 I'm gonna go get my Prius, 184 00:07:15,001 --> 00:07:16,518 I'm gonna pull around the back, 185 00:07:16,586 --> 00:07:18,119 and I'm gonna drive her to the hospital. 186 00:07:18,171 --> 00:07:20,788 I drive a Prius, which I think is pretty cool. 187 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:23,291 - Dean, go! - Okay, dean gone. 188 00:07:23,359 --> 00:07:24,593 Can you please call Andre? 189 00:07:24,644 --> 00:07:26,461 He's "Sugar Boots" in my phone. 190 00:07:26,512 --> 00:07:27,929 That hurts, Shirley. 191 00:07:27,997 --> 00:07:31,333 Oh, oh, I'll get it because I am here for you. 192 00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:33,134 We came so close to having one class 193 00:07:33,202 --> 00:07:34,636 that wasn't all about them. 194 00:07:34,704 --> 00:07:36,371 Remember when they all took that fishing trip 195 00:07:36,439 --> 00:07:37,572 on St. Patrick's Day? 196 00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:38,973 God, that was a good week. 197 00:07:39,025 --> 00:07:41,109 This has got to be a Chang baby. 198 00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:42,711 Changs are never born in hospitals. 199 00:07:42,778 --> 00:07:45,780 More like taxicabs, hardware stores, 200 00:07:45,831 --> 00:07:47,115 bank lines, sewers. 201 00:07:47,166 --> 00:07:49,084 My nephew Jin was born on a treadmill 202 00:07:49,151 --> 00:07:50,785 at bally total fitness. 203 00:07:50,836 --> 00:07:52,370 20% incline. 204 00:07:52,455 --> 00:07:54,856 "Sugar Boots" says that he'll meet us at the hospital. 205 00:07:54,924 --> 00:07:58,009 Good. Now can somebody do something about him? 206 00:07:58,094 --> 00:07:59,827 I'm just saying nobody needs to freak out. 207 00:07:59,879 --> 00:08:02,731 A Chang is hearty to the core. We always come out healthy. 208 00:08:02,798 --> 00:08:04,182 That's why there's like a billion of us. 209 00:08:04,267 --> 00:08:06,134 You ever tried googling me? Can't be done! 210 00:08:06,185 --> 00:08:08,570 Ben, you have to stop freaking her out. 211 00:08:08,638 --> 00:08:09,771 Hey, show me some respect. 212 00:08:09,839 --> 00:08:12,540 I might be that child's estranged father. 213 00:08:12,608 --> 00:08:15,527 - Well, what's it gonna be? - What? 214 00:08:15,611 --> 00:08:17,212 I want to buy the rights to your handshake. 215 00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:18,713 Do we have a deal? 216 00:08:18,781 --> 00:08:20,682 Pierce, we're about to take Shirley to the hospital. 217 00:08:20,733 --> 00:08:22,033 This is not the time. 218 00:08:22,118 --> 00:08:23,351 Oh, it's the time. 219 00:08:23,402 --> 00:08:26,571 According to my watch, it's 1,000 o'clock. 220 00:08:26,656 --> 00:08:28,156 - Deal. - Deal. 221 00:08:28,224 --> 00:08:30,659 Great. 222 00:08:30,710 --> 00:08:31,993 - So how does it work? - I don't know. 223 00:08:32,044 --> 00:08:33,094 We just kind of do it 224 00:08:33,162 --> 00:08:34,746 when one of us says something awesome. 225 00:08:34,830 --> 00:08:37,999 - Yeah. - All right. Betty Grable. 226 00:08:40,703 --> 00:08:42,921 I said Betty Grable. 227 00:08:54,150 --> 00:08:56,051 - No. - Yes. 228 00:08:58,220 --> 00:09:01,055 - No. - Do it. 229 00:09:01,107 --> 00:09:05,694 Make your money, whore. [Cries] 230 00:09:10,333 --> 00:09:12,417 Who's Betty Grable? 231 00:09:12,501 --> 00:09:13,868 Yeah, that's the stuff. 232 00:09:13,919 --> 00:09:16,738 [Cries] 233 00:09:16,806 --> 00:09:18,740 Try to take deep breaths and relax. 234 00:09:18,791 --> 00:09:20,742 - Where is the dean? - Oh, my God! 235 00:09:20,793 --> 00:09:22,477 - Okay. - Everything's wet! 236 00:09:22,545 --> 00:09:24,629 - Eew! - Oh. Oh, that's okay. 237 00:09:24,714 --> 00:09:26,298 That's okay because it is natural. 238 00:09:26,382 --> 00:09:29,050 It's natural. [Inhales deeply] 239 00:09:29,118 --> 00:09:30,251 Are you uncomfortable, Britta? 240 00:09:30,319 --> 00:09:32,287 - You wish. - Oh! 241 00:09:32,355 --> 00:09:35,457 - Oh. Okay. Ooh. - $400. $500. 242 00:09:35,524 --> 00:09:37,609 It's like a million bucks in dog dollars. 243 00:09:37,693 --> 00:09:41,596 Word. 244 00:09:41,647 --> 00:09:46,117 - What happened? - Something's off. 245 00:09:46,202 --> 00:09:49,471 It's like buying candy from a baby. 246 00:09:49,538 --> 00:09:51,206 What did you do? You ruined it! 247 00:09:51,273 --> 00:09:52,624 Troy, give him back the money. 248 00:09:52,708 --> 00:09:55,293 No, no, no. Money doesn't matter anymore. 249 00:09:55,378 --> 00:09:58,163 Once you've sold something out, you can't get it back. 250 00:09:58,247 --> 00:09:59,581 But you didn't even like our handshake! 251 00:09:59,632 --> 00:10:01,483 I hated it. Now it's gone. 252 00:10:01,550 --> 00:10:05,687 You two are dumber than Jackie Coogan. 253 00:10:05,755 --> 00:10:09,691 He divorced Betty Grable. 254 00:10:09,759 --> 00:10:11,426 Oh oh oh. 255 00:10:11,494 --> 00:10:13,345 Jeff, Pierce tainted our special handshake 256 00:10:13,429 --> 00:10:14,496 with his blood money 257 00:10:14,563 --> 00:10:15,847 and now we can't get the magic back! 258 00:10:15,931 --> 00:10:17,849 Holy crap. You two for real? 259 00:10:17,933 --> 00:10:19,100 Both: Yeah. 260 00:10:19,168 --> 00:10:20,852 Nobody cares about your stupid handshake. 261 00:10:20,936 --> 00:10:22,470 A baby is coming out of Shirley's vagina 262 00:10:22,521 --> 00:10:23,971 - two feet from us. - Don't worry. 263 00:10:24,023 --> 00:10:25,707 Her contractions are still six minutes apart. 264 00:10:25,775 --> 00:10:27,842 So unless her cervix is dilated more than eight centimeters, 265 00:10:27,910 --> 00:10:31,946 we still have time to get her to a hospital. 266 00:10:32,014 --> 00:10:33,248 I delivered a baby earlier this year 267 00:10:33,315 --> 00:10:34,249 in the back of an SUV. 268 00:10:34,316 --> 00:10:35,350 - What? - Hmm-hmm. 269 00:10:35,418 --> 00:10:36,451 Where was I when that happened? 270 00:10:36,519 --> 00:10:39,537 I don't know. Off in the background. 271 00:10:39,622 --> 00:10:41,823 - Did you pull your car up? - Uh, no. 272 00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:44,175 - It's been overturned! - What? 273 00:10:44,260 --> 00:10:47,045 Okay, look, I don't want to alarm anyone, 274 00:10:47,113 --> 00:10:50,331 but the world food festival has taken a dark turn. 275 00:10:50,383 --> 00:10:52,734 I guess some national ethnicities 276 00:10:52,802 --> 00:10:54,185 don't play nice with others 277 00:10:54,270 --> 00:10:58,022 and things have turned into a bit of a race... 278 00:10:58,107 --> 00:11:00,175 - Kerfuffle. - You mean riot? 279 00:11:00,242 --> 00:11:04,362 Uh, let's use kerfuffle for now, okay, Mr. Winger? 280 00:11:04,447 --> 00:11:08,516 I was just trying to feed hungry foodies. 281 00:11:08,567 --> 00:11:09,901 I'm going to call an ambulance. 282 00:11:09,985 --> 00:11:11,403 Oh, there's ambulances out there! 283 00:11:11,487 --> 00:11:13,221 They're overturning those too! 284 00:11:13,289 --> 00:11:16,241 I mean, I didn't even know there was a difference 285 00:11:16,325 --> 00:11:18,576 between North and South Korean barbeque. 286 00:11:18,661 --> 00:11:21,096 I mean, M*A*S*H lasted longer than that war. 287 00:11:21,163 --> 00:11:24,099 Get over it. Am I right? Don't print that. 288 00:11:24,166 --> 00:11:27,368 Let's just quit jotting. Stop writing! 289 00:11:27,436 --> 00:11:29,370 Okay, 911 says it's gonna take over an hour 290 00:11:29,438 --> 00:11:31,072 because of a race kerfuffle. 291 00:11:31,140 --> 00:11:34,259 Oh. Lake Woebegone. Eeh! 292 00:11:34,343 --> 00:11:36,177 Abed, what do we do? 293 00:11:36,245 --> 00:11:37,545 Shirley, pretend I'm saying this 294 00:11:37,596 --> 00:11:40,014 in a soothing, reassuring, non-robotic voice. 295 00:11:40,065 --> 00:11:41,516 We're not going to make it to the hospital. 296 00:11:41,567 --> 00:11:42,750 Yes, I am. 297 00:11:42,818 --> 00:11:44,152 I'm going to have this baby in a hospital 298 00:11:44,220 --> 00:11:45,553 with my husband and the father of my baby. 299 00:11:45,604 --> 00:11:46,654 Unless that father is me. 300 00:11:46,722 --> 00:11:48,723 In which case, what you need to do now 301 00:11:48,774 --> 00:11:50,158 is elevate your legs over your head 302 00:11:50,225 --> 00:11:53,060 while facing the northeast corner of the room. 303 00:11:53,112 --> 00:11:54,913 But try not to look at the door, okay? 304 00:11:54,997 --> 00:11:57,198 That's bad luck and Chang babies are very superstitious. 305 00:11:57,249 --> 00:12:01,202 Also if you can visualize a rabbit riding a dragon, 306 00:12:01,270 --> 00:12:03,271 it'll increase his chances of winning lotteries. 307 00:12:03,339 --> 00:12:05,907 - [Winces] - Ben, corner. 308 00:12:05,958 --> 00:12:10,178 Listen, Shirley, we're having the baby right here, right now. 309 00:12:10,245 --> 00:12:12,680 - [Whimpers] Okay. - Okay. 310 00:12:12,748 --> 00:12:14,415 Troy, get every blanket and coat you can find. 311 00:12:14,483 --> 00:12:15,750 Anything soft for Shirley to lie on. 312 00:12:15,801 --> 00:12:16,851 Annie, I need you to call Andre 313 00:12:16,919 --> 00:12:18,252 and tell him to meet us here instead. 314 00:12:18,304 --> 00:12:20,255 - Well, what can I do? - Stop rubbing her shoulders. 315 00:12:20,322 --> 00:12:24,142 - What are you doing? - Being natural. 316 00:12:24,226 --> 00:12:26,093 Jeff, help me move Shirley to the ground. 317 00:12:26,145 --> 00:12:28,196 All right, just stand right here. 318 00:12:28,263 --> 00:12:31,466 Easy. Easy. Troy, blankets. There we go. 319 00:12:31,534 --> 00:12:32,650 Okay. 320 00:12:32,735 --> 00:12:33,902 I just need to take a look 321 00:12:33,953 --> 00:12:35,737 and see how far along you are. 322 00:12:35,788 --> 00:12:37,405 Oh, no, I'm sorry, Abed. 323 00:12:37,456 --> 00:12:39,407 I don't feel comfortable with you taking a grand tour 324 00:12:39,475 --> 00:12:40,441 of my nethers. 325 00:12:40,509 --> 00:12:41,843 I'd prefer it was one of the girls. 326 00:12:41,911 --> 00:12:43,745 I can do it! I can do it! I'm good at looking! 327 00:12:43,812 --> 00:12:46,748 I'm here for you, Shirley. Okay, what do I do? 328 00:12:46,799 --> 00:12:48,633 Okay, you just need to look and see if the baby's head 329 00:12:48,717 --> 00:12:52,554 - has reached the cervix. - No problowe, Rob Lowe. 330 00:12:52,621 --> 00:12:55,557 [2001: A Space Odyssey theme plays] 331 00:12:55,624 --> 00:13:01,963 ♪ ♪ 332 00:13:06,068 --> 00:13:09,237 [Vomits] 333 00:13:09,305 --> 00:13:11,206 I take it the head has reached the cervix. 334 00:13:13,609 --> 00:13:17,095 Oh, God, okay, oh God, alright. 335 00:13:17,215 --> 00:13:19,517 Not to worry. This kind of thing happens all the time. 336 00:13:19,584 --> 00:13:21,552 Are a lot of babies born in classrooms? 337 00:13:21,620 --> 00:13:23,253 Well, a lot more are conceived. 338 00:13:23,305 --> 00:13:24,722 [Laughs] 339 00:13:24,789 --> 00:13:27,725 No, Paul, that's off the record and not true. Sort of. 340 00:13:27,792 --> 00:13:28,959 - Annie. - Got to go. 341 00:13:29,027 --> 00:13:30,561 Hey, okay, due to an unforeseen conflict 342 00:13:30,629 --> 00:13:31,896 of genitals, I've been disqualified 343 00:13:31,963 --> 00:13:33,130 from delivering Shirley's baby 344 00:13:33,198 --> 00:13:34,532 so I'm gonna have to walk you through it. 345 00:13:34,599 --> 00:13:35,833 I can't deliver a baby. 346 00:13:35,901 --> 00:13:37,001 I'm not properly prepared. 347 00:13:37,068 --> 00:13:38,502 I need to take a class, or read a book, 348 00:13:38,570 --> 00:13:40,504 or shadow a nurse, or at least have my mom hug me first. 349 00:13:40,572 --> 00:13:42,840 Oh, God. Oh, God. I'm seeing spots. 350 00:13:42,908 --> 00:13:44,608 Oh, my lord, my lord, 351 00:13:44,659 --> 00:13:46,377 why are you doing these things to me? 352 00:13:46,444 --> 00:13:47,711 How have I failed you? 353 00:13:47,779 --> 00:13:49,580 Either way, someone's got to calm her down. 354 00:13:49,631 --> 00:13:52,850 I got this. Shirley, look at me. 355 00:13:52,918 --> 00:13:55,285 Look at my face. 356 00:13:55,337 --> 00:14:00,190 Connect with me. 357 00:14:00,258 --> 00:14:01,692 [High-pitched] ♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ♪ 358 00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:04,011 - What in the hell? - I don't know what to do! 359 00:14:04,095 --> 00:14:06,797 - Chang! Where's Chang? - What's up, baby? 360 00:14:06,848 --> 00:14:09,299 You said Chang babies all come this way? 361 00:14:09,351 --> 00:14:10,834 Yeah, like a bullet from a gun. 362 00:14:10,902 --> 00:14:13,237 - And they're all okay? - Hell, yeah. 363 00:14:13,304 --> 00:14:15,406 More than okay. Super babies. 364 00:14:15,473 --> 00:14:17,474 Seven generations of little scrappers 365 00:14:17,542 --> 00:14:19,743 born in the worst conditions you can imagine. 366 00:14:19,811 --> 00:14:21,078 Tell me. 367 00:14:21,145 --> 00:14:23,080 My cousin slid out feet first in a pickle barrel. 368 00:14:23,148 --> 00:14:25,015 My uncle was born during rainy season 369 00:14:25,083 --> 00:14:26,667 in a Mongolian sheep pasture. 370 00:14:26,751 --> 00:14:29,119 My brother, hmm, born under a crowded noodle bar 371 00:14:29,187 --> 00:14:31,522 while my grandfather finished his happy dancing shrimp. 372 00:14:31,590 --> 00:14:32,957 Nothing can stop us. 373 00:14:33,024 --> 00:14:35,676 Not the hurricanes. Not the communists. 374 00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:37,861 Not the feds. Not the girl scouts. 375 00:14:37,929 --> 00:14:39,663 What are you doing? Get in there. 376 00:14:39,714 --> 00:14:41,699 Me? Forget it. I'm the worst. 377 00:14:41,766 --> 00:14:44,768 Well, that's a discussion for a different time. 378 00:14:44,836 --> 00:14:47,271 Look, Britta, there is something in you 379 00:14:47,338 --> 00:14:49,106 that wants to take care of people so bad 380 00:14:49,174 --> 00:14:50,841 that you'll do it until you puke. 381 00:14:50,909 --> 00:14:52,710 That's what Shirley needs right now. 382 00:14:52,777 --> 00:14:54,612 Are you saying I'll be a good mom? 383 00:14:54,679 --> 00:14:56,447 [Laughs] What? No. 384 00:14:56,514 --> 00:14:58,682 Man, you will really force anything, won't you? 385 00:14:58,733 --> 00:15:03,153 Just get in there and force that baby out of Shirley. 386 00:15:03,221 --> 00:15:06,223 Step aside, people! Britta for the win! 387 00:15:06,291 --> 00:15:08,208 Not the girl scouts. Not the-- 388 00:15:08,293 --> 00:15:11,361 Get out of my way. Okay. I am ready. 389 00:15:11,413 --> 00:15:14,031 Abed, walk me through this. 390 00:15:14,082 --> 00:15:15,198 Okay, at each contraction, 391 00:15:15,250 --> 00:15:16,800 you need to tell Shirley to push. 392 00:15:16,868 --> 00:15:18,035 That's it? 393 00:15:18,086 --> 00:15:19,570 Well, don't tell any doctors I said this, 394 00:15:19,638 --> 00:15:20,587 but at this point in time, 395 00:15:20,672 --> 00:15:21,839 the bus pretty much drives itself. 396 00:15:21,890 --> 00:15:23,223 Who exactly is the bus in this scenario? Oh! 397 00:15:23,308 --> 00:15:24,241 - Oooooh! - Push! 398 00:15:24,309 --> 00:15:27,645 [Chanting "push"] 399 00:15:32,150 --> 00:15:34,518 The head is out! [Cheers] 400 00:15:34,586 --> 00:15:37,821 Now feel under the neck for the umbilical cord. 401 00:15:37,889 --> 00:15:38,989 There's no chord. 402 00:15:39,057 --> 00:15:40,524 I think that's a good thing, Britta. 403 00:15:40,592 --> 00:15:43,027 Oh, I am nailing this! You're doing great too. 404 00:15:43,094 --> 00:15:45,329 Chang, more stories. 405 00:15:45,396 --> 00:15:46,597 Okay, so in World War II, 406 00:15:46,665 --> 00:15:48,565 a lot of us were rounded up in labor camps. 407 00:15:48,616 --> 00:15:49,917 Mining mostly. 408 00:15:50,001 --> 00:15:52,086 Hundreds of Changs were born underneath the earth. 409 00:15:52,170 --> 00:15:55,289 Most spent their first five years underground. 410 00:15:55,373 --> 00:15:58,709 - Hey, I'm here. - Oh, Andre! 411 00:15:58,777 --> 00:16:01,078 Okay. Hi, baby. 412 00:16:01,129 --> 00:16:02,930 - It's gonna be all right. - Okay. 413 00:16:03,014 --> 00:16:04,882 It's okay, ma'am. We can take it from here. 414 00:16:04,933 --> 00:16:06,266 Guys, I got it. I'm in the zone. 415 00:16:06,351 --> 00:16:08,135 Okay, come on, Shirley. Come on, Shirley. 416 00:16:08,219 --> 00:16:09,820 Come on, Shirley. Push push push. 417 00:16:09,888 --> 00:16:10,921 - Push it! - Push! 418 00:16:10,989 --> 00:16:13,423 It's baby Greendale. 419 00:16:13,475 --> 00:16:14,958 You guys don't have to name it that. 420 00:16:15,026 --> 00:16:17,127 I don't claim that power. I'm merely the deliverer. 421 00:16:17,195 --> 00:16:19,563 - Britta, focus. - Oh, doy. Okay. 422 00:16:19,631 --> 00:16:23,784 Come on, Shirley. [Chanting "push"] 423 00:16:23,868 --> 00:16:25,636 Oh, it's a boy! 424 00:16:25,704 --> 00:16:27,037 [Cheers] 425 00:16:27,105 --> 00:16:30,374 And it's also a black person! 426 00:16:30,442 --> 00:16:32,042 Not that that's important. 427 00:16:32,110 --> 00:16:34,211 - Are you sure it's yours, baby? - Yes. 428 00:16:34,279 --> 00:16:35,629 It's definitely his. 429 00:16:35,714 --> 00:16:36,814 I never told you this part, 430 00:16:36,881 --> 00:16:39,650 but all Changs are born with tails. 431 00:16:39,718 --> 00:16:42,553 You kind of dodged a bullet there. 432 00:16:42,620 --> 00:16:45,089 Agh! Ugh! 433 00:16:45,156 --> 00:16:48,892 Did that just happen? 434 00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:54,398 - It's back. - It never left. 435 00:16:54,466 --> 00:16:56,734 - Hi. - Oh. 436 00:16:56,801 --> 00:17:00,771 Oh. 437 00:17:00,839 --> 00:17:05,743 - Oh, we did it, sugar boots. - No, you did it, baby. 438 00:17:05,810 --> 00:17:06,910 Congratulations, sir. 439 00:17:06,978 --> 00:17:09,346 After a fierce campaign, I happily concede 440 00:17:09,414 --> 00:17:10,614 this baby to you. 441 00:17:10,682 --> 00:17:13,951 - Pretty classy of me. - Thank you, Chang. 442 00:17:14,002 --> 00:17:15,786 Couldn't have done this without you. 443 00:17:15,837 --> 00:17:18,005 - No bigs. - Andre. 444 00:17:18,089 --> 00:17:19,173 Yeah. 445 00:17:19,257 --> 00:17:21,892 I think I want to name him after Ben. 446 00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:22,960 - What? - Hmm? 447 00:17:23,027 --> 00:17:24,595 - Really? - Really? 448 00:17:24,662 --> 00:17:26,230 Yeah. I mean, you may not be his father, 449 00:17:26,297 --> 00:17:29,600 but you helped bring him into the world. 450 00:17:29,667 --> 00:17:33,353 All right, well, we'll have our own little baby Ben... 451 00:17:33,438 --> 00:17:35,506 - Bennett. - Ben Bennett? 452 00:17:35,573 --> 00:17:36,774 - Mm-hmm. - Oh, damn. 453 00:17:36,841 --> 00:17:39,193 - Mm-hmm. - Okay. No, no. No, that's fine. 454 00:17:39,277 --> 00:17:44,782 Ben Bennett. Hi, Ben Bennett. 455 00:17:44,849 --> 00:17:46,116 Oh, look, he said Chang. 456 00:17:46,184 --> 00:17:47,684 - No. - No, he didn't. 457 00:17:47,735 --> 00:17:51,889 - See? Nothing to it. - Yeah. 458 00:17:51,956 --> 00:17:53,190 Can you believe that's how we come 459 00:17:53,258 --> 00:17:54,224 into this world? 460 00:17:54,292 --> 00:17:57,211 Screaming, crying, covered in crap? 461 00:17:57,295 --> 00:17:58,996 And then somewhere along the lines, 462 00:17:59,063 --> 00:18:00,798 we get it into our heads that we're destined 463 00:18:00,865 --> 00:18:01,899 for greatness. 464 00:18:01,966 --> 00:18:03,667 We are. I just yanked a little dude 465 00:18:03,735 --> 00:18:05,836 out of my friend. 466 00:18:05,904 --> 00:18:09,807 Yeah. I guess we passed Anthropology. 467 00:18:09,874 --> 00:18:12,542 Look at how teeny his hands are. 468 00:18:12,594 --> 00:18:13,811 You're so little, right? 469 00:18:13,878 --> 00:18:15,412 His fingers are like good & plenties. 470 00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:17,381 I know. I want to eat them. 471 00:18:17,448 --> 00:18:20,384 - Which is lame. - Totally. 472 00:18:20,451 --> 00:18:21,685 This has been quite a day. 473 00:18:21,753 --> 00:18:23,387 You can expect a cover story in the next issue. 474 00:18:23,454 --> 00:18:25,455 In a good way? 475 00:18:25,523 --> 00:18:29,726 Like an article about what a good dean I am? 476 00:18:29,777 --> 00:18:33,330 - Absolutely. - [Exhales] 477 00:18:33,398 --> 00:18:36,500 I did it. 478 00:18:36,567 --> 00:18:41,505 I did it. I am a good dean. 479 00:18:41,572 --> 00:18:47,344 I am a good dean! [Laughs] Whoo! 480 00:18:56,263 --> 00:18:57,793 Are you sure you want to do this? 481 00:18:58,199 --> 00:18:59,632 I know people do it in movies all the time, 482 00:18:59,688 --> 00:19:01,452 but there are bound to be real world consequences. 483 00:19:01,453 --> 00:19:02,786 I know, but if we take that test today, 484 00:19:02,854 --> 00:19:05,622 we are definitely going to fail it. 485 00:19:05,690 --> 00:19:10,160 Okay, let's do it. 486 00:19:21,506 --> 00:19:22,823 What are you guys doing? 487 00:19:28,163 --> 00:19:30,597 Cancel school today or we tell everybody about this. 488 00:19:30,665 --> 00:19:32,816 Deal. 489 00:19:33,016 --> 00:19:43,216 Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net