1
00:00:02,614 --> 00:00:04,573
Okay. Ahh.

2
00:00:04,574 --> 00:00:08,155
Um, my name is Alex Osbourne,

3
00:00:08,156 --> 00:00:11,825
and if you're watching this,
it means I'm dead.

4
00:00:11,826 --> 00:00:16,163
Or I'm just showing you.
Uh, but I'm probably dead.

5
00:00:16,164 --> 00:00:19,984
To my ex-wife Magda,
I leave herpes.

6
00:00:19,985 --> 00:00:21,852
But she knows that,
it's dealt with.

7
00:00:21,853 --> 00:00:24,271
As for my collection
of Styx albums,

8
00:00:24,272 --> 00:00:26,006
I leave that to no one.

9
00:00:26,007 --> 00:00:28,976
Because that's who appreciated
Styx as much as me.

10
00:00:28,977 --> 00:00:32,229
Finally, there's a kid named
Abed who makes movies

11
00:00:32,230 --> 00:00:35,583
at my community college,
and to him I leave the task

12
00:00:35,584 --> 00:00:37,668
of creating a video tribute
of my life.

13
00:00:37,669 --> 00:00:41,989
What follows is some general
purpose footage that he can use.

14
00:00:43,691 --> 00:00:45,125
[Kissing noises]

15
00:00:45,126 --> 00:00:46,693
[Mimics rocket engine]

16
00:00:46,694 --> 00:00:48,295
Where did you get this?

17
00:00:48,296 --> 00:00:50,531
Some one-armed guy with a scar
on his face dropped it off.

18
00:00:50,532 --> 00:00:51,832
He said he was
Star-Burns' lawyer.

19
00:00:51,833 --> 00:00:54,508
How one-armed was he?
Tell me when to stop.

20
00:00:56,671 --> 00:00:58,939
- It was the other arm.
- You guys!

21
00:00:58,940 --> 00:01:00,875
I feel oddly compelled
to fulfill his request.

22
00:01:00,876 --> 00:01:02,476
Would you guys help me write
obituary copy?

23
00:01:02,477 --> 00:01:04,878
You mean like, "Star-Burns
died how he lived...

24
00:01:04,879 --> 00:01:06,380
in a meth lab explosion"?

25
00:01:06,381 --> 00:01:07,598
Can we turn this off?

26
00:01:07,599 --> 00:01:09,066
I'm not as comfortable
with death as you guys.

27
00:01:09,067 --> 00:01:13,170
- He's in a better place now.
- Yeah. The blu-ray shelf.

28
00:01:13,171 --> 00:01:14,455
What is that?

29
00:01:14,456 --> 00:01:16,273
Star-Burns also left me
his ashes.

30
00:01:16,274 --> 00:01:17,508
He requested they be burnt.

31
00:01:17,509 --> 00:01:18,809
I don't think he knows
how ashes work.

32
00:01:18,810 --> 00:01:20,160
The small one's his lizard.

33
00:01:20,161 --> 00:01:21,529
If we rub that,

34
00:01:21,530 --> 00:01:23,364
will he come out
and do celebrity impressions?

35
00:01:23,365 --> 00:01:25,731
- I don't think so.
- Then I want it out of here.

36
00:01:25,732 --> 00:01:29,069
♪ Give me some more
time in a dream ♪

37
00:01:29,070 --> 00:01:32,256
♪ give me the hope
to run out of steam ♪

38
00:01:32,257 --> 00:01:35,676
♪ somebody said
we could be here ♪

39
00:01:35,677 --> 00:01:39,713
♪ we could be roped up,
tied up, dead in a year ♪

40
00:01:39,714 --> 00:01:44,685
♪ I can't count the reasons
I should stay ♪

41
00:01:44,686 --> 00:01:48,889
♪ one by one they all
just fade away ♪

42
00:01:48,890 --> 00:01:52,443
Sync & Corrections by Elderfel
www.addic7ed.com

43
00:01:56,615 --> 00:02:00,067
You guys, how long are we
going to avoid talking

44
00:02:00,068 --> 00:02:02,570
about this really serious thing
that's happened?

45
00:02:02,571 --> 00:02:05,039
Is it always about
the Holocaust with you people?

46
00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:08,108
I'm talking about Star-Burns,
you know, dying.

47
00:02:08,109 --> 00:02:10,661
I know it's sad, but death
is a natural part of life

48
00:02:10,662 --> 00:02:12,062
and by the time
I finish this sentence,

49
00:02:12,063 --> 00:02:13,581
100 people will have
died in China.

50
00:02:13,582 --> 00:02:17,751
Why did you stop talking?

51
00:02:17,752 --> 00:02:19,253
I have to call my pen pal.

52
00:02:19,254 --> 00:02:20,738
Star-Burns was a good man.

53
00:02:20,739 --> 00:02:22,756
He barely sued me that time
I ran over his foot.

54
00:02:22,757 --> 00:02:24,892
I say we honor Star-Burns
by discussing him

55
00:02:24,893 --> 00:02:26,510
the same amount we did
when he was alive.

56
00:02:26,511 --> 00:02:28,762
Jeff, have some respect.

57
00:02:28,763 --> 00:02:30,981
He might have been
a scuzzy weirdo

58
00:02:30,982 --> 00:02:32,966
who shaved his sideburns
into star shapes...

59
00:02:32,967 --> 00:02:33,984
Pai Mai?

60
00:02:33,985 --> 00:02:36,470
It's Troy.
Are you okay?

61
00:02:36,471 --> 00:02:38,906
Okay, good, I gotta go.
This costs $7.

62
00:02:38,907 --> 00:02:43,661
But he was also a classmate,
a kinda sorta friend sometimes

63
00:02:43,662 --> 00:02:45,746
and above all, a human being.

64
00:02:45,747 --> 00:02:47,247
He touched all our lives.

65
00:02:47,248 --> 00:02:48,415
Annie has a point.

66
00:02:48,416 --> 00:02:50,651
The death of a peer,
especially at our age,

67
00:02:50,652 --> 00:02:52,836
can trigger a whole
range of emotions.

68
00:02:52,837 --> 00:02:54,838
- As a psychologist...
- Student.

69
00:02:54,839 --> 00:02:56,823
- I hereby offer my licensed...
- Unlicensed.

70
00:02:56,824 --> 00:02:57,991
Services as a grief counselor.

71
00:02:57,992 --> 00:03:00,010
- Grief causer.
- If anyone needs to talk,

72
00:03:00,011 --> 00:03:01,595
- the doctor...
- Not even close.

73
00:03:01,596 --> 00:03:02,880
Is in.

74
00:03:02,881 --> 00:03:05,299
Britta, I could use some help
dealing with my grief.

75
00:03:05,300 --> 00:03:06,333
- Great.
- Yeah.

76
00:03:06,334 --> 00:03:11,338
I was hoping you'd say that,
because... I came prepared.

77
00:03:12,774 --> 00:03:14,341
You seemed smarter
than me when I met you.

78
00:03:14,342 --> 00:03:15,342
Thank you.

79
00:03:15,343 --> 00:03:17,061
For the purposes
of this exercise,

80
00:03:17,062 --> 00:03:19,763
I am Star-Burns.

81
00:03:19,764 --> 00:03:22,282
Tell me the things you never got
a chance to say to me.

82
00:03:25,820 --> 00:03:28,489
Come on, guys,
you can ask me anything.

83
00:03:28,490 --> 00:03:29,540
What's heaven like?

84
00:03:29,541 --> 00:03:32,025
Uh, I don't know.
Glittery.

85
00:03:32,026 --> 00:03:34,328
- Ask me something else.
- Have you seen Tim Russert?

86
00:03:34,329 --> 00:03:37,197
Guys, you are doing this wrong.
Ask me something personal.

87
00:03:37,198 --> 00:03:38,615
Star-Burns,
I didn't know you that well,

88
00:03:38,616 --> 00:03:40,084
but why did you smell
exactly like salami?

89
00:03:40,085 --> 00:03:42,419
- Abed.
- I got one. Where's my comb?

90
00:03:42,420 --> 00:03:44,004
- I don't know.
- Yep, it's him.

91
00:03:44,005 --> 00:03:45,839
Why did you tape that
switchblade to your ankle?

92
00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:47,541
Why did you always poop
with the stall door open?

93
00:03:47,542 --> 00:03:48,726
Is it true you made out
with Britta?

94
00:03:48,727 --> 00:03:49,893
I don't see
how that's relevant.

95
00:03:49,894 --> 00:03:51,478
It was Fat Neil's
black light party.

96
00:03:51,479 --> 00:03:53,931
Vicki saw you.
If that's true...

97
00:03:53,932 --> 00:03:57,735
if... maybe it was because
she was really drunk

98
00:03:57,736 --> 00:03:58,885
and she had just found out

99
00:03:58,886 --> 00:04:00,754
that her first boyfriend
was getting married.

100
00:04:00,755 --> 00:04:02,239
If you guys are gonna
do this wrong,

101
00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:03,657
then I'm gonna take these off.

102
00:04:03,658 --> 00:04:05,409
Ow!

103
00:04:05,410 --> 00:04:06,860
Okay, grief counseling
is growing on me.

104
00:04:06,861 --> 00:04:10,664
♪ Come on, I'm Dean
and my hands are so clean ♪

105
00:04:10,665 --> 00:04:14,752
♪ at this moment
I am stapling ♪

106
00:04:14,753 --> 00:04:18,839
- Ben Chang is here.
- Ah, send him in.

107
00:04:21,075 --> 00:04:23,594
- Ben, how's it "deaning"?
- Can't "com-Chang."

108
00:04:23,595 --> 00:04:27,131
- Just needed you to sign this.
- Okay.

109
00:04:27,132 --> 00:04:31,685
Let's just... give this
a little look-a-roo.

110
00:04:31,686 --> 00:04:34,138
"Request for increased
security."

111
00:04:34,139 --> 00:04:35,756
"Cool new uniforms."
I like that.

112
00:04:35,757 --> 00:04:38,525
"Power to enact martial law,"
not so much.

113
00:04:38,526 --> 00:04:41,445
"Indefinite detention,
pepper spray,

114
00:04:41,446 --> 00:04:45,399
involuntary cavity searches...
no soft-serve"?

115
00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:47,534
All liquids and gels
must be in sealed bottles

116
00:04:47,535 --> 00:04:48,819
no larger than 3 ounces.

117
00:04:48,820 --> 00:04:51,438
I'm sorry, Chang,
this stuff is too extreme.

118
00:04:51,439 --> 00:04:54,041
This is a community college,
not an inner-city High School.

119
00:04:54,042 --> 00:04:56,126
It's a community college
where a degenerate

120
00:04:56,127 --> 00:04:58,412
just blew himself up
with stolen lab equipment.

121
00:04:58,413 --> 00:05:00,414
To be fair,
it was the crystal meth

122
00:05:00,415 --> 00:05:03,417
inside the stolen lab equipment
that blew him up.

123
00:05:03,418 --> 00:05:05,285
That's the problem with you
civilian suits.

124
00:05:05,286 --> 00:05:07,387
You want the results,
but you don't want to know

125
00:05:07,388 --> 00:05:08,672
how the sausage gets made.

126
00:05:08,673 --> 00:05:10,624
Well, I'll tell you
how the sausage gets made.

127
00:05:10,625 --> 00:05:12,959
It's a lot of ground meat and it
gets stuffed into a casing

128
00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:15,295
that looks like a cross between
a dude's dong and a poop.

129
00:05:15,296 --> 00:05:18,065
I don't know how that helps
me, but please leave.

130
00:05:18,066 --> 00:05:20,100
Fine, but you will regret this.

131
00:05:20,101 --> 00:05:23,353
I doubt it.

132
00:05:23,354 --> 00:05:25,355
This just came for you.

133
00:05:27,609 --> 00:05:29,276
[Sighs]
Great.

134
00:05:29,277 --> 00:05:32,479
I have to give more bad news
to Jeff and his study group.

135
00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:35,181
Hold my calls,
I have to pick an outfit.

136
00:05:38,453 --> 00:05:41,789
Who wants to dance?

137
00:05:41,790 --> 00:05:43,824
Nice work, everyone.

138
00:05:43,825 --> 00:05:47,160
Now think about that last
little puppy in that basket

139
00:05:47,161 --> 00:05:49,463
out of all those puppies.

140
00:05:49,464 --> 00:05:52,683
And now...
he's catching fire too.

141
00:05:52,684 --> 00:05:54,468
[Sobs]

142
00:05:54,469 --> 00:05:57,604
Britta! Why are you making us
feel these things?

143
00:05:57,605 --> 00:05:59,339
We need to bring
our emotions to the surface

144
00:05:59,340 --> 00:06:00,607
and explore them.

145
00:06:00,608 --> 00:06:02,176
Does it always
have to be puppies though?

146
00:06:02,177 --> 00:06:03,694
Oh, come on, everybody.

147
00:06:03,695 --> 00:06:05,696
This is a completely
unnecessary process.

148
00:06:05,697 --> 00:06:07,447
What Jeff's doing right now
is called denial

149
00:06:07,448 --> 00:06:09,516
and it is the first
of five stages of grief

150
00:06:09,517 --> 00:06:11,518
that ends with acceptance.

151
00:06:11,519 --> 00:06:13,453
- Name any other stage.
- What are you, my final?

152
00:06:13,454 --> 00:06:15,489
Maybe we don't need
grief counseling.

153
00:06:15,490 --> 00:06:17,190
But seems like
the least we could do

154
00:06:17,191 --> 00:06:18,826
is have a memorial
or something.

155
00:06:18,827 --> 00:06:21,161
Oh, yes, we could
have a little service

156
00:06:21,162 --> 00:06:22,546
and I could bring
some of my brownies

157
00:06:22,547 --> 00:06:24,464
<i>and I guess someone
should sing Ave Maria.</i>

158
00:06:24,465 --> 00:06:26,083
I mean,
I can do it. Whatever.

159
00:06:26,084 --> 00:06:27,868
Sure, why not
drag it out for weeks?

160
00:06:27,869 --> 00:06:30,003
Why not wallow
for the rest of our lives

161
00:06:30,004 --> 00:06:31,371
and never get anything done?

162
00:06:31,372 --> 00:06:35,142
Or we could just admit
the simple fact that one day,

163
00:06:35,143 --> 00:06:38,712
something is in your life
and one day, it's not.

164
00:06:38,713 --> 00:06:41,815
<i>Dean-jour, mes amis!
[Chuckling]</i>

165
00:06:41,816 --> 00:06:43,233
Unfortunately, due to the whole

166
00:06:43,234 --> 00:06:45,269
Star-Burns
meth lab explosion,

167
00:06:45,270 --> 00:06:47,154
Professor Kane has resigned,

168
00:06:47,155 --> 00:06:49,940
and you biology class
has been can-can-cancelled.

169
00:06:49,941 --> 00:06:52,492
[Chuckling]

170
00:06:52,493 --> 00:06:53,994
Your grade is now
an incomplete.

171
00:06:53,995 --> 00:06:55,896
You'll have to make up
the credit in the summer.

172
00:06:55,897 --> 00:06:57,331
[Gasps]

173
00:06:59,784 --> 00:07:04,504
My summer is gone?

174
00:07:04,505 --> 00:07:06,506
[Crying]
No.

175
00:07:06,507 --> 00:07:10,711
No!

176
00:07:10,712 --> 00:07:12,045
Well, I had a little

177
00:07:12,046 --> 00:07:13,914
rockette kick-line thing
planned, but...

178
00:07:13,915 --> 00:07:16,917
[Sobbing]

179
00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:34,599
♪ Ave ♪

180
00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:39,104
♪ Mariii... ♪

181
00:07:39,105 --> 00:07:43,441
♪ iaaa ♪

182
00:07:43,442 --> 00:07:44,826
Okay.

183
00:07:44,827 --> 00:07:47,312
<i>That was Garrett singing,
um, Ave Maria?</i>

184
00:07:47,313 --> 00:07:49,764
<i>Ave Maria!</i>

185
00:07:49,765 --> 00:07:51,650
Uh, now, Shirley,
I understand you wanted

186
00:07:51,651 --> 00:07:53,685
- to sing something as well?
- No, thank you.

187
00:07:53,686 --> 00:07:56,187
Okay, then let's move on
to the eulogies.

188
00:07:56,188 --> 00:07:57,989
Does anyone have anything
they wanna say

189
00:07:57,990 --> 00:07:59,624
in the memory of Star-Burns?

190
00:07:59,625 --> 00:08:04,429
Oh... Because his sideburns
were shaped like stars.

191
00:08:04,430 --> 00:08:06,881
I just got it.
I just got that.

192
00:08:06,882 --> 00:08:07,933
Anything at all.

193
00:08:07,934 --> 00:08:10,302
This is a safe place to say

194
00:08:10,303 --> 00:08:12,053
- what you're feeling.
- I'll say something.

195
00:08:12,054 --> 00:08:13,838
Oh, oh.

196
00:08:13,839 --> 00:08:17,342
[Light applause]

197
00:08:17,343 --> 00:08:20,629
After learning about
Star-Burns' death,

198
00:08:20,630 --> 00:08:24,349
I personally went through
the stages of grief

199
00:08:24,350 --> 00:08:25,934
and have now arrived

200
00:08:25,935 --> 00:08:28,570
at the final one...
acceptance.

201
00:08:28,571 --> 00:08:29,821
Whoo! Closure!

202
00:08:29,822 --> 00:08:31,790
Acceptance that this place...

203
00:08:31,791 --> 00:08:35,777
This fallujah
of higher learning...

204
00:08:35,778 --> 00:08:39,080
is a prison from which
none of us will ever escape.

205
00:08:39,081 --> 00:08:40,832
Okay, Jeffrey, now we're
mixing metaphors here...

206
00:08:40,833 --> 00:08:43,368
And it turns out...

207
00:08:43,369 --> 00:08:47,422
that Star-Burns,
this man in this urn,

208
00:08:47,423 --> 00:08:51,376
was a hero to us the whole time
because he did the one thing

209
00:08:51,377 --> 00:08:54,763
that none of us
ever tried to do.

210
00:08:54,764 --> 00:08:56,891
He got out.

211
00:08:58,684 --> 00:09:01,236
And then he exploded.

212
00:09:01,237 --> 00:09:04,055
Because Greendale
hates its students.

213
00:09:04,056 --> 00:09:05,440
No. No.

214
00:09:05,441 --> 00:09:06,741
It sucks the lives
from their bodies

215
00:09:06,742 --> 00:09:08,743
and forces
their desiccated husks

216
00:09:08,744 --> 00:09:10,528
to attend summer school.

217
00:09:10,529 --> 00:09:12,563
Okay, Jeffrey,
this is a funeral.

218
00:09:12,564 --> 00:09:13,665
Let's keep it light.

219
00:09:13,666 --> 00:09:15,583
Annie, Annie,
maybe you could say

220
00:09:15,584 --> 00:09:17,735
something nice
about Star-Burns.

221
00:09:17,736 --> 00:09:19,788
Get some sugar
to go with that spice.

222
00:09:19,789 --> 00:09:21,790
Way to go, Jeff.

223
00:09:24,543 --> 00:09:28,346
Star-Burns or Alex,
as he like to be called,

224
00:09:28,347 --> 00:09:30,382
was a human being.

225
00:09:30,383 --> 00:09:32,634
A Greendale human being...

226
00:09:32,635 --> 00:09:36,021
Like me.

227
00:09:36,022 --> 00:09:39,357
I've given this place
my childhood,

228
00:09:39,358 --> 00:09:42,444
my enthusiasm, and my loyalty,

229
00:09:42,445 --> 00:09:45,430
and in return,
Greendale has warped me

230
00:09:45,431 --> 00:09:47,532
like a Barbie in a microwave.

231
00:09:47,533 --> 00:09:51,269
Our school flag is an anus!

232
00:09:51,270 --> 00:09:52,454
You were the guys who drew it.

233
00:09:52,455 --> 00:09:53,822
We're not even the best

234
00:09:53,823 --> 00:09:56,708
community college
in our community.

235
00:09:56,709 --> 00:09:59,210
Let that sink in.

236
00:09:59,211 --> 00:10:03,665
And the cherry on top on this
total lack of sundae...

237
00:10:03,666 --> 00:10:08,837
I'm failing a remedial biology
class on a technicality

238
00:10:08,838 --> 00:10:12,123
all because you don't know
how to run a school.

239
00:10:12,124 --> 00:10:14,476
- Oh, that's...
- Shame on you, Dean.

240
00:10:14,477 --> 00:10:17,228
Shame... on... you!

241
00:10:17,229 --> 00:10:19,681
Edison out.
[Feedback on microphone]

242
00:10:19,682 --> 00:10:23,401
[Cheers and applause]

243
00:10:23,402 --> 00:10:24,686
Wow.

244
00:10:24,687 --> 00:10:29,741
Let's maybe not drop
the $50 mics, okay, guys?

245
00:10:29,742 --> 00:10:31,709
Shirley, you love Jesus.

246
00:10:31,710 --> 00:10:33,644
I think we all could use

247
00:10:33,645 --> 00:10:36,448
some good old-fashioned
religion right now.

248
00:10:36,449 --> 00:10:37,949
[Applause]

249
00:10:37,950 --> 00:10:40,585
Well, uh, all right.

250
00:10:40,586 --> 00:10:42,871
Um, Star-Burns, I'm told,

251
00:10:42,872 --> 00:10:44,773
um, was a drug dealer.

252
00:10:44,774 --> 00:10:46,758
Which, of course,
is not good behavior.

253
00:10:46,759 --> 00:10:48,659
Which... but he...
it was a business.

254
00:10:48,660 --> 00:10:51,129
Um, he had
an entrepreneurial spirit.

255
00:10:51,130 --> 00:10:52,797
Amen.

256
00:10:52,798 --> 00:10:54,849
I had an entrepreneurial
spirit.

257
00:10:54,850 --> 00:10:56,801
I had dreams.

258
00:10:56,802 --> 00:11:00,605
Dreams of opening a sandwich
shop in this cafeteria.

259
00:11:00,606 --> 00:11:03,274
And Greendale listened
to those dreams...

260
00:11:03,275 --> 00:11:05,143
And stole them...

261
00:11:05,144 --> 00:11:08,179
And sold them to Subway.

262
00:11:08,180 --> 00:11:13,735
[Crowd shouts and yells]

263
00:11:13,736 --> 00:11:15,520
Worst wake ever.

264
00:11:15,521 --> 00:11:17,355
I'm starting to get nervous
about this.

265
00:11:17,356 --> 00:11:20,208
Yep, it'd be nice to have
some protection, right?

266
00:11:20,209 --> 00:11:24,295
Think maybe it's about
time you signed this?

267
00:11:24,296 --> 00:11:28,299
Just promise me
you'll use restraint.

268
00:11:28,300 --> 00:11:30,385
Yep. Every type we got.

269
00:11:30,386 --> 00:11:34,339
- Gentlemen!
- All hail Chang!

270
00:11:34,340 --> 00:11:36,491
This is the day we've been
waiting for.

271
00:11:36,492 --> 00:11:37,892
Suit... up!

272
00:11:37,893 --> 00:11:39,394
[All cheer]

273
00:11:39,395 --> 00:11:41,679
♪ When I say Greendale,
you say sucks ♪

274
00:11:41,680 --> 00:11:45,817
- ♪ Greendale ♪
- ♪ Sucks ♪

275
00:11:45,818 --> 00:11:48,219
- ♪ Greendale ♪
- ♪ Sucks ♪

276
00:11:48,220 --> 00:11:49,737
- Peace.
- Boo boo boo.

277
00:11:49,738 --> 00:11:52,890
No, no, no, no,
no, no, oh, no, you don't.

278
00:11:52,891 --> 00:11:54,392
[All booing]

279
00:11:54,393 --> 00:11:57,662
Look, I don't know how this
got out of hand either.

280
00:11:57,663 --> 00:12:01,749
But as a student who's been
at Greendale for over a decade,

281
00:12:01,750 --> 00:12:05,703
I think I've earned the right
to say a few final words.

282
00:12:05,704 --> 00:12:08,840
Let him talk!

283
00:12:08,841 --> 00:12:13,261
- I'm sorry.
- Thank you, thank you.

284
00:12:13,262 --> 00:12:15,913
Let's burn this mother down!

285
00:12:15,914 --> 00:12:19,250
Yeah!

286
00:12:19,251 --> 00:12:22,253
Helter skelter!

287
00:12:22,254 --> 00:12:23,271
No, no, no!

288
00:12:23,272 --> 00:12:26,224
[Chaotic screaming]

289
00:12:29,562 --> 00:12:33,097
I'm gonna take everything
but onions and olives.

290
00:12:33,098 --> 00:12:36,034
I know my comb's in here,
you son of a bitch!

291
00:12:40,039 --> 00:12:42,040
[Gasps]

292
00:12:45,127 --> 00:12:49,080
Look, tiny riot gear.
Aww.

293
00:12:49,081 --> 00:12:50,582
[Screams]

294
00:12:50,583 --> 00:12:55,670
[Scattered screaming]

295
00:12:55,671 --> 00:12:59,757
It's so peppery!

296
00:12:59,758 --> 00:13:02,594
Oh, no.

297
00:13:02,595 --> 00:13:05,597
[Maniacal laugh]

298
00:13:14,439 --> 00:13:17,825
Strange, I'm not finding any
pepper spray on you.

299
00:13:17,826 --> 00:13:19,127
Well, check harder.

300
00:13:19,128 --> 00:13:21,496
It's not like I'm crying
because I was chased

301
00:13:21,497 --> 00:13:23,881
by the gang
of scary 12-year-olds.

302
00:13:23,882 --> 00:13:26,718
No entry, we're guarding
General Chang's prisoners.

303
00:13:26,719 --> 00:13:27,919
Okay, this is my school,

304
00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:30,171
and I will enter
whatever I want.

305
00:13:30,172 --> 00:13:32,924
Well, Subway has threatened
to pull out of Greendale

306
00:13:32,925 --> 00:13:34,926
and the school board
is furious.

307
00:13:34,927 --> 00:13:37,562
Tomorrow, they are having
a hearing to investigate

308
00:13:37,563 --> 00:13:42,633
the ringleaders of the riot,
aka the Greendale Seven.

309
00:13:42,634 --> 00:13:44,152
Catchy.

310
00:13:44,153 --> 00:13:46,270
How about Pierce Hawthorne
and the Greendale Six?

311
00:13:46,271 --> 00:13:49,807
- Pierce!
- How about the Greendale Five?

312
00:13:49,808 --> 00:13:53,027
- I'm such a bad Dean.
- No, you're not.

313
00:13:53,028 --> 00:13:54,311
Well, you are.

314
00:13:54,312 --> 00:13:57,198
But...
We're worse students.

315
00:13:57,199 --> 00:13:58,916
While you tried to save
Greendale,

316
00:13:58,917 --> 00:14:00,985
we trashed the school
like a TV commercial

317
00:14:00,986 --> 00:14:02,587
where the teacher
banned skittles.

318
00:14:02,588 --> 00:14:05,089
That's sweet of you
to say, Jeffrey.

319
00:14:05,090 --> 00:14:07,992
But it doesn't change the fact
that we're all Ted Danson

320
00:14:07,993 --> 00:14:09,460
at Whoopie Goldberg's roast.

321
00:14:09,461 --> 00:14:13,214
What if we all back
each other up to the board

322
00:14:13,215 --> 00:14:15,600
and explain the we were
all experiencing

323
00:14:15,601 --> 00:14:17,385
"funeral crazies"?

324
00:14:17,386 --> 00:14:20,188
I can say that's a thing
because I'm a psych major.

325
00:14:20,189 --> 00:14:23,674
Ugh, they're still
going to need a fall guy.

326
00:14:23,675 --> 00:14:25,443
How about the crazy man who...

327
00:14:25,444 --> 00:14:30,448
commanded a bunch of preteens
to spray poison in our faces?

328
00:14:30,449 --> 00:14:32,483
You know what?

329
00:14:32,484 --> 00:14:36,120
It was right under our noses,
wasn't it?

330
00:14:36,121 --> 00:14:37,789
Group hug...

331
00:14:37,790 --> 00:14:39,540
Where I'm between
Jeff and Troy.

332
00:14:39,541 --> 00:14:42,493
Here we go... oop, you're
walking away from the hug.

333
00:14:48,250 --> 00:14:49,751
Hey there, Ben.

334
00:14:49,752 --> 00:14:51,919
Would you mind scooching
from my desk?

335
00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:54,055
Got some testimony
to get prepared

336
00:14:54,056 --> 00:14:56,373
for the school board
meeting tomorrowsies.

337
00:14:56,374 --> 00:14:58,342
That testimony wouldn't
happen to involve

338
00:14:58,343 --> 00:14:59,894
pinning the riot on me.

339
00:14:59,895 --> 00:15:03,231
Ben, I'm sorry,
but this has gone too far.

340
00:15:03,232 --> 00:15:05,883
I regret issuing those
extraordinary powers to you.

341
00:15:05,884 --> 00:15:08,385
I regret letting this child army
get out of hand.

342
00:15:08,386 --> 00:15:11,055
I regret giving you that
unasked for adult back rub

343
00:15:11,056 --> 00:15:12,523
when you were asleep
that once.

344
00:15:12,524 --> 00:15:14,108
[Inhales]

345
00:15:14,109 --> 00:15:15,359
I think we're gonna
have to let you go.

346
00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:16,861
Nuh-uh, ain't happening.

347
00:15:16,862 --> 00:15:19,013
I always knew this
day would come.

348
00:15:19,014 --> 00:15:23,034
Now the only person getting
replaced around here is you.

349
00:15:25,003 --> 00:15:27,004
Oh, my God, it's me.

350
00:15:27,005 --> 00:15:31,509
Ugh! I will...

351
00:15:31,510 --> 00:15:35,546
The single worst wake riot
this district has ever seen.

352
00:15:35,547 --> 00:15:37,882
And we've seen our share.

353
00:15:37,883 --> 00:15:42,419
Tables, chairs, floors,
ceilings, all affected.

354
00:15:42,420 --> 00:15:46,858
A campus already in mourning
is pushed into chaos.

355
00:15:46,859 --> 00:15:48,926
And sitting here facing me now,

356
00:15:48,927 --> 00:15:51,028
the so-called
Greendale Seven...

357
00:15:51,029 --> 00:15:53,614
Reportedly responsible
for inciting

358
00:15:53,615 --> 00:15:55,616
the entire chain of events.

359
00:15:55,617 --> 00:15:59,770
This is some
pretty serious stuff.

360
00:16:01,606 --> 00:16:07,712
Sir... Although my friends and I
behaved somewhat irresponsibly,

361
00:16:07,713 --> 00:16:11,716
we shouldn't forget about
the circumstances on campus.

362
00:16:11,717 --> 00:16:13,835
We had just lost a classmate.

363
00:16:13,836 --> 00:16:19,507
And a lizard...
Your Majesty.

364
00:16:19,508 --> 00:16:22,960
It was an emotional time
and we acted emotionally.

365
00:16:22,961 --> 00:16:26,981
But the real question is,
how did the school respond?

366
00:16:26,982 --> 00:16:31,853
The riot was exacerbated
by the school security staff's

367
00:16:31,854 --> 00:16:34,906
heavy-handed and, frankly,
insane response.

368
00:16:34,907 --> 00:16:37,191
[Knock on door]
Hey, everyone.

369
00:16:37,192 --> 00:16:38,693
Oh, so sorry
to pop in like this.

370
00:16:38,694 --> 00:16:39,994
I really hope I'm not
interrupting.

371
00:16:39,995 --> 00:16:41,329
Just wanted to see how
everything's going,

372
00:16:41,330 --> 00:16:44,115
and those are for you fellas.

373
00:16:44,116 --> 00:16:46,083
I never forget a face
or a favorite cookie.

374
00:16:46,084 --> 00:16:48,319
And I brought extras,
because I know how Richie

375
00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:50,872
got into that
last basket I brought.

376
00:16:50,873 --> 00:16:53,207
Probably good to have a backup.

377
00:16:53,208 --> 00:16:55,927
I did. I did get into
them pretty good.

378
00:16:55,928 --> 00:16:58,329
So everything going okay?

379
00:16:58,330 --> 00:16:59,931
Or are you guys going to
trash this building too?

380
00:16:59,932 --> 00:17:02,266
Yeah, we were just going
over the charges.

381
00:17:02,267 --> 00:17:04,602
Seems like you had your hands
full with these individuals.

382
00:17:04,603 --> 00:17:06,187
This is crazy.

383
00:17:06,188 --> 00:17:08,272
- You guys are really buying this?
- Excuse me?

384
00:17:08,273 --> 00:17:10,942
Chang is a psychopathic
wannabe warlord

385
00:17:10,943 --> 00:17:13,611
with an army
of prepubescent thugs.

386
00:17:13,612 --> 00:17:16,147
He was living in the school's
air vent system

387
00:17:16,148 --> 00:17:17,531
with a monkey!

388
00:17:17,532 --> 00:17:18,783
That's not...

389
00:17:18,784 --> 00:17:20,517
Well, where's the Dean?
He'll tell you.

390
00:17:20,518 --> 00:17:22,870
Hey, guys.
Can't stay, gotta run,

391
00:17:22,871 --> 00:17:25,873
but, uh, these troublemakers
have got to go.

392
00:17:28,377 --> 00:17:30,027
I think I've heard enough,

393
00:17:30,028 --> 00:17:32,613
and I don't see
what choice I have.

394
00:17:32,614 --> 00:17:34,131
Greendale Seven...

395
00:17:34,132 --> 00:17:35,333
Jeff Winger,

396
00:17:35,334 --> 00:17:36,334
Annie Edison,

397
00:17:36,335 --> 00:17:37,335
Pierce Hawthorne,

398
00:17:37,336 --> 00:17:38,469
Britta Perry,

399
00:17:38,470 --> 00:17:39,470
Shirley Bennet,

400
00:17:39,471 --> 00:17:40,838
Abed Nadir,

401
00:17:40,839 --> 00:17:42,223
Troy Barnes,

402
00:17:42,224 --> 00:17:46,560
you are hereby expelled from
Greendale Community College.

403
00:17:46,561 --> 00:17:50,348
May God have mercy
on your souls.

404
00:17:50,349 --> 00:17:52,934
Rusty bucket?
Rusty bucket?

405
00:17:52,935 --> 00:17:54,068
- Rusty bucket?
- Yep.

406
00:17:54,069 --> 00:17:56,354
Okay, transform and roll out.

407
00:17:56,355 --> 00:17:58,356
[Chuckles]

408
00:18:02,845 --> 00:18:06,164
13 years of college
down the drain.

409
00:18:06,165 --> 00:18:07,415
I was gonna be
the first one in my family

410
00:18:07,416 --> 00:18:09,834
to graduate from
community college.

411
00:18:09,835 --> 00:18:12,087
Everyone else graduated
from normal college.

412
00:18:12,088 --> 00:18:15,707
Now they're really gonna
give me a hard time.

413
00:18:15,708 --> 00:18:17,342
You're drinking?

414
00:18:17,343 --> 00:18:19,311
Yeah, well, my life can't
get double ruined.

415
00:18:19,312 --> 00:18:22,547
Can't believe we're expelled.
Greendale was our home.

416
00:18:22,548 --> 00:18:24,266
Britta, isn't it time
for you to explain

417
00:18:24,267 --> 00:18:25,800
that every failure
is also an opportunity?

418
00:18:25,801 --> 00:18:28,153
- Whatever, I'm the worst.
- I'm also the worst.

419
00:18:28,154 --> 00:18:31,022
Not gonna argue,
but I am gonna forgive you.

420
00:18:31,023 --> 00:18:33,775
[Doorbell buzzes]
That's the pizza.

421
00:18:33,776 --> 00:18:36,561
Roll a die to see who gets it?

422
00:18:36,562 --> 00:18:37,862
I'll get it.

423
00:18:37,863 --> 00:18:41,266
You guys remember our
housewarming party?

424
00:18:41,267 --> 00:18:42,534
What would have happened
if I had just let Jeff

425
00:18:42,535 --> 00:18:43,602
roll the die that night?

426
00:18:43,603 --> 00:18:45,086
I assumed this was
the best timeline,

427
00:18:45,087 --> 00:18:46,121
but what if it's the darkest?

428
00:18:46,122 --> 00:18:47,238
Well, I don't
think anyone knows

429
00:18:47,239 --> 00:18:48,239
what you're talking about,

430
00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:51,104
but it does seem like things
couldn't get any worse.

431
00:18:57,750 --> 00:19:00,251
No.

432
00:19:00,252 --> 00:19:02,103
We're all gonna
get through this.

433
00:19:02,104 --> 00:19:04,689
We're all alive
and we're all fine.

434
00:19:04,690 --> 00:19:08,693
And Britta,
you're not the worst.

435
00:19:08,694 --> 00:19:12,364
You're the best.

436
00:19:12,365 --> 00:19:14,932
He's right.
Things are bad.

437
00:19:14,933 --> 00:19:17,569
But we're together.

438
00:19:17,570 --> 00:19:19,037
That makes this
the perfect timeline.

439
00:19:19,038 --> 00:19:21,439
Wait.
There are other timelines?

440
00:19:24,610 --> 00:19:28,747
[Chuckles]

441
00:19:28,748 --> 00:19:30,749
Pizza time.

442
00:19:38,724 --> 00:19:41,726
[Chuckling, chattering]

443
00:19:56,220 --> 00:19:59,223
[Rock music]

444
00:19:59,224 --> 00:20:00,824
♪ ♪

445
00:20:05,363 --> 00:20:08,666
[Crowd cheers]

446
00:20:08,667 --> 00:20:11,552
♪ ♪

447
00:20:11,553 --> 00:20:14,171
♪ you never see the dawn ♪

448
00:20:14,172 --> 00:20:17,624
♪ when you have blood
in your eyes ♪

449
00:20:17,625 --> 00:20:20,127
♪ the night will fight
with steel ♪

450
00:20:20,128 --> 00:20:24,081
♪ until it brings you down ♪

451
00:20:24,082 --> 00:20:26,216
♪ Star-Burns ♪

452
00:20:26,217 --> 00:20:29,019
♪ burn the night sky alive ♪

453
00:20:29,020 --> 00:20:30,187
[Grunts]

454
00:20:30,188 --> 00:20:32,089
♪ Star-Burns ♪

455
00:20:32,090 --> 00:20:36,060
♪ burn for his country
and honor ♪

456
00:20:36,061 --> 00:20:39,913
♪ he will never die ♪

9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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