1 00:00:07,002 --> 00:00:08,869 Oh. 2 00:00:08,904 --> 00:00:12,172 Please stay for complimentary saltines and full-price sodas. 3 00:00:12,207 --> 00:00:15,610 But first, The Dulcet Tones of the Bennett boys. 4 00:00:17,679 --> 00:00:22,749 ♪ when you were here before ♪ 5 00:00:22,783 --> 00:00:27,253 ♪ couldn't look you in the eye ♪ 6 00:00:28,255 --> 00:00:32,593 ♪ You're just like an angel ♪ 7 00:00:32,627 --> 00:00:33,694 ♪ your skin makes me cry ♪ 8 00:00:33,728 --> 00:00:35,629 Bro, free crackers. 9 00:00:35,664 --> 00:00:37,097 Want to spend your life opening lockers? 10 00:00:37,132 --> 00:00:38,433 You don't have to raise your voice! 11 00:00:38,467 --> 00:00:39,968 I'm going as fast as I can! 12 00:00:40,002 --> 00:00:43,204 ♪ you float like a feather 13 00:00:43,238 --> 00:00:46,374 oh, great, now I have these folders to deal with! 14 00:00:46,408 --> 00:00:49,643 Et tu, pencil? ♪ In a beautiful world ♪ 15 00:00:49,678 --> 00:00:52,046 when it rains, it pours. 16 00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:55,683 ♪ I wish I was special ♪ 17 00:01:02,858 --> 00:01:05,861 Ass Crack Bandit! 18 00:01:33,583 --> 00:01:38,648 Sync & corrections by wilson0804 www.Addic7ed.com 19 00:01:38,995 --> 00:01:40,635 Let's settle down! 20 00:01:40,663 --> 00:01:42,431 Guys, what is known... 21 00:01:42,465 --> 00:01:46,034 What's known is that around noon yesterday, 22 00:01:46,068 --> 00:01:48,203 an unidentified student dropped a coin 23 00:01:48,237 --> 00:01:51,172 in another student's, you know, upper buttock fold. 24 00:01:51,206 --> 00:01:52,774 Yes, yes. 25 00:01:52,808 --> 00:01:54,475 Gwen Ridley, Greendale Gazette. 26 00:01:54,510 --> 00:01:56,744 Is this the return of the Ass Crack Bandit? 27 00:01:56,778 --> 00:01:59,580 Okay, that person, Gwen, if he ever existed, 28 00:01:59,614 --> 00:02:01,682 stopped being active over a year ago. 29 00:02:01,717 --> 00:02:02,884 Yeah. 30 00:02:02,918 --> 00:02:04,319 Tim Briggs, Greendale Mirror. 31 00:02:04,353 --> 00:02:05,887 Is it true that after the attack, 32 00:02:05,921 --> 00:02:07,956 you received a letter from the Ass Crack Bandit? 33 00:02:07,990 --> 00:02:09,423 I never said that, Tim, 34 00:02:09,458 --> 00:02:11,091 and when did we split the gazette from the mirror? 35 00:02:11,126 --> 00:02:13,661 And how many photographs do you people need? 36 00:02:13,695 --> 00:02:15,729 Raul Lopez, Las Noticias Hispanicas De Greendale. 37 00:02:15,764 --> 00:02:16,831 Will this affect soccer? 38 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:19,834 We did, in fact, receive a letter 39 00:02:19,869 --> 00:02:21,503 an hour after the incident 40 00:02:21,537 --> 00:02:23,938 including details not known to the public 41 00:02:23,973 --> 00:02:26,741 about the brand of Garrett's underwear. 42 00:02:26,775 --> 00:02:28,976 Hanes his ways. 43 00:02:29,011 --> 00:02:30,812 "I am the Ass Crack Bandit. 44 00:02:30,846 --> 00:02:32,780 "Humans make better banks than piggies. 45 00:02:32,815 --> 00:02:34,616 "Whenever I get more change at the store, 46 00:02:34,650 --> 00:02:36,718 "I can't wait to drop it down your butts. 47 00:02:36,752 --> 00:02:39,287 "I think I will go to the bank and get so much change 48 00:02:39,321 --> 00:02:42,023 "and take all my dollars and make them into change 49 00:02:42,057 --> 00:02:43,491 and drop it all down there." 50 00:02:43,526 --> 00:02:45,193 He should be called "the run-on sentence bandit." 51 00:02:45,227 --> 00:02:47,696 From this moment, people, we are at DEFCON 4... 52 00:02:47,730 --> 00:02:49,198 if that's the highest DEFCON, 53 00:02:49,232 --> 00:02:50,966 and if high DEFCONs are worse than low ones. 54 00:02:51,001 --> 00:02:53,936 Ah, you all remember psychology Professor Duncan. 55 00:02:53,970 --> 00:02:55,091 Hey, buddy. Where'd you go? 56 00:02:55,104 --> 00:02:56,872 I was taking care of my sick mother. 57 00:02:56,906 --> 00:02:59,475 She's still alive, but I've put in my time. 58 00:02:59,509 --> 00:03:01,177 Britta. 59 00:03:01,211 --> 00:03:02,411 Oh, Pierce, good for you. 60 00:03:02,446 --> 00:03:05,247 I always thought that hairpiece was a bit cowardly. 61 00:03:05,282 --> 00:03:06,403 Duncan is going to help us 62 00:03:06,416 --> 00:03:09,018 work up something called a "profile," 63 00:03:09,052 --> 00:03:10,986 so we can root this student out. 64 00:03:11,021 --> 00:03:12,354 For the record, 65 00:03:12,389 --> 00:03:13,889 I tried to get something done about this two years ago. 66 00:03:13,924 --> 00:03:16,225 This is not about you, Annie. This is about the school. 67 00:03:16,260 --> 00:03:18,861 This is the biggest P.R. crisis to hit Greendale 68 00:03:18,895 --> 00:03:21,230 since we held that rally protesting the wrong Korea. 69 00:03:21,264 --> 00:03:23,199 Jeffrey, how can you help? 70 00:03:23,233 --> 00:03:25,368 I'll take a look at the whole picture, 71 00:03:25,402 --> 00:03:27,203 see if any pieces match up. 72 00:03:27,237 --> 00:03:28,971 Double fruit bonus. 73 00:03:30,407 --> 00:03:32,475 Crikey! Kiwi combo, mate. 74 00:03:32,509 --> 00:03:37,246 I took a map of the campus and pinpointed all the locations 75 00:03:37,281 --> 00:03:39,115 of the Ass Crack Bandit strikes. 76 00:03:39,149 --> 00:03:40,309 You can't handle the fruit. 77 00:03:40,317 --> 00:03:42,585 During the bandit's most daring spree, 78 00:03:42,619 --> 00:03:44,620 he cracked three people in a row. 79 00:03:44,654 --> 00:03:47,890 Today, I sprinted between all three sites. 80 00:03:47,924 --> 00:03:49,792 My quickest time was 20 minutes. 81 00:03:49,826 --> 00:03:51,226 The A.C.B. did it in 10. 82 00:03:51,261 --> 00:03:52,561 So he's got long legs. 83 00:03:52,595 --> 00:03:55,264 I think he has something I don't... a shortcut. 84 00:03:55,298 --> 00:03:56,565 The faculty lounge. 85 00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:57,961 You think the bandit's a teacher? 86 00:03:57,968 --> 00:03:59,936 The Dean's not gonna help me pursue this. 87 00:03:59,970 --> 00:04:00,937 I need help. 88 00:04:00,971 --> 00:04:02,305 Pineapple penalty, fool! 89 00:04:02,339 --> 00:04:05,074 No! Unfair and racist. 90 00:04:05,108 --> 00:04:06,742 Look, no way, Annie. 91 00:04:06,777 --> 00:04:08,010 Look, the faculty already hates me, 92 00:04:08,045 --> 00:04:09,211 and the Dean signs my paychecks. 93 00:04:09,246 --> 00:04:10,379 But this is important! 94 00:04:10,414 --> 00:04:11,981 I can assure you that's not true. 95 00:04:12,015 --> 00:04:13,916 Fruit, fruit, fruit, fruit, fruit! 96 00:04:13,950 --> 00:04:15,551 Collect the seeds, sucka! 97 00:04:15,585 --> 00:04:17,553 After the tone, please leave a message. 98 00:04:17,587 --> 00:04:20,222 Hey, Abed. Lab ran late. 99 00:04:20,257 --> 00:04:22,124 What'd Annie get us for dinner? 100 00:04:22,159 --> 00:04:24,193 I hope it's not salad again. 101 00:04:26,429 --> 00:04:28,397 I'd rather just stop at the meat store. 102 00:04:31,768 --> 00:04:34,003 All right. Talk to you later. 103 00:04:37,273 --> 00:04:38,740 Oh. 104 00:04:43,179 --> 00:04:45,481 Well, hello. 105 00:04:45,515 --> 00:04:47,516 Oh! 106 00:04:53,022 --> 00:04:55,390 Will you stop with the cups and the blankets? 107 00:04:55,424 --> 00:04:57,104 This is how they comfort victims in movies. 108 00:04:57,126 --> 00:05:00,194 Okay, I am hereby banning change from this campus. 109 00:05:00,229 --> 00:05:01,629 You really think that's an effective... 110 00:05:01,663 --> 00:05:03,931 well, guess what, your two cents is change, 111 00:05:03,966 --> 00:05:04,899 and it's banned. 112 00:05:04,933 --> 00:05:07,234 Got something. 113 00:05:10,871 --> 00:05:12,739 Frankie, somebody get me a bag. 114 00:05:12,773 --> 00:05:14,840 Oh, give me that. 115 00:05:14,875 --> 00:05:16,809 "I hope you enjoyed my work again. 116 00:05:16,844 --> 00:05:18,804 "You can't stop me, because what are you gonna do, 117 00:05:18,812 --> 00:05:20,079 not have butts?" Oof. 118 00:05:20,114 --> 00:05:22,081 Dean, I think it's a teacher. 119 00:05:22,116 --> 00:05:24,450 - I beg your what? - I have evidence that shows... 120 00:05:24,485 --> 00:05:26,085 Yeah, and I have evidence that shows I'm not listening. 121 00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:27,687 Exhibit "A," exhibit "B." Lalalalalala. 122 00:05:27,722 --> 00:05:29,356 This is never gonna end 123 00:05:29,390 --> 00:05:31,725 if you keep choosing politics over justice. 124 00:05:31,759 --> 00:05:32,826 Okay, you want to make trouble? 125 00:05:32,860 --> 00:05:35,695 Go to Parker brothers. You're out. 126 00:05:37,064 --> 00:05:39,432 Take it easy. 127 00:05:39,467 --> 00:05:41,635 Taking it easy is how Troy ended up 128 00:05:41,669 --> 00:05:43,336 with a quarter of a buck in his crack. 129 00:05:43,371 --> 00:05:44,972 Annie, nobody's asking you to do this... 130 00:05:45,006 --> 00:05:47,308 Jeff, come on! You know how this school works. 131 00:05:47,342 --> 00:05:49,677 We do it, or it doesn't get done. 132 00:05:49,711 --> 00:05:51,679 The men on our coins understood that. 133 00:05:51,713 --> 00:05:53,781 Maybe the Ass Crack Bandit's point 134 00:05:53,815 --> 00:05:55,335 is that we're letting our values slide. 135 00:05:55,350 --> 00:05:58,852 Or maybe he's a frat boy coming from the laundromat. 136 00:05:58,886 --> 00:06:01,954 The important question is "who cares?" 137 00:06:04,859 --> 00:06:07,360 Look, 138 00:06:07,394 --> 00:06:08,661 let me know what you need from me... 139 00:06:08,696 --> 00:06:11,497 on the down low. Way down low. 140 00:06:11,532 --> 00:06:13,600 And no squealing. 141 00:06:15,903 --> 00:06:18,137 Okay, squeal. 142 00:06:21,155 --> 00:06:22,366 Real Neil here, 143 00:06:22,391 --> 00:06:25,424 five days into the return of the Ass Crack Bandit. 144 00:06:25,459 --> 00:06:26,492 It's alive! 145 00:06:26,527 --> 00:06:27,860 Since we last spoke, 146 00:06:27,895 --> 00:06:30,196 three more victims have caught the quarter, 147 00:06:30,230 --> 00:06:31,864 with no end in sight. 148 00:06:31,899 --> 00:06:33,933 Safety pants, 100 bucks a pop. 149 00:06:33,967 --> 00:06:35,268 All sandwiches $5. 150 00:06:35,302 --> 00:06:37,112 Sorry, no change. Blame the bandit. 151 00:06:37,137 --> 00:06:39,372 Here's a song that's been shooting up the request line 152 00:06:39,406 --> 00:06:41,307 faster than coins are dropping. 153 00:06:41,341 --> 00:06:44,744 ♪ It said quarter to five, but it was quarter to ass ♪ 154 00:06:44,778 --> 00:06:47,280 ♪ you thought your plumbing was safe ♪ 155 00:06:47,315 --> 00:06:48,948 ♪ but your jeans were half-mast ♪ 156 00:06:48,983 --> 00:06:51,151 ♪ another coin down the drain ♪ 157 00:06:51,185 --> 00:06:54,454 ♪ now, that's some change that won't last ♪ 158 00:06:54,488 --> 00:06:56,489 The nature of the Ass Crack Bandit's crimes 159 00:06:56,523 --> 00:06:59,959 would suggest that he's angry or just fell in love. 160 00:06:59,993 --> 00:07:02,228 We know that he hates money or loves it 161 00:07:02,262 --> 00:07:05,131 or doesn't care about money and hates butts or loves them. 162 00:07:05,165 --> 00:07:06,966 Mm. Abed, you're special. 163 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:09,235 Can't you just stand at the scene of the crime 164 00:07:09,269 --> 00:07:12,104 and see what happened? 165 00:07:15,008 --> 00:07:17,710 I see a man... 166 00:07:17,744 --> 00:07:21,514 Using a social disorder as a procedural device. 167 00:07:21,548 --> 00:07:23,816 Wait, wait, wait, I see another man. 168 00:07:23,851 --> 00:07:25,852 Mildly autistic super detectives everywhere. 169 00:07:25,887 --> 00:07:29,623 Basic cable, broadcast networks. 170 00:07:29,658 --> 00:07:33,360 Pain. Painful writing. 171 00:07:33,394 --> 00:07:37,131 It hurts. 172 00:07:37,165 --> 00:07:39,099 Okay, ooh, LA LA. Hickey, what have you got? 173 00:07:39,134 --> 00:07:41,868 Heartburn. It doesn't help me catch criminals. 174 00:07:41,903 --> 00:07:44,404 Okay. I didn't want to take drastic measures, 175 00:07:44,438 --> 00:07:46,873 but I've cooked up a little something. 176 00:07:46,907 --> 00:07:47,907 Chang? 177 00:07:49,576 --> 00:07:52,811 You better put a quarter in that crack, Mr. bandit. 178 00:07:52,846 --> 00:07:55,447 Professor hickey. 179 00:07:56,950 --> 00:07:59,251 Whoops. 180 00:08:02,622 --> 00:08:03,856 Hah! 181 00:08:03,890 --> 00:08:06,925 Gotcha! Whoa! Ha, what do you think? 182 00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:09,227 I think this is spending too much money on a crime 183 00:08:09,262 --> 00:08:11,129 that nets you 25¢ a pop. 184 00:08:11,163 --> 00:08:12,964 Ah, no, no. This was free. 185 00:08:12,998 --> 00:08:16,000 Then I think you just admitted you already owned a fake butt. 186 00:08:18,203 --> 00:08:20,771 "I am the mad hatter, if hats were butts. 187 00:08:20,805 --> 00:08:24,507 "I am neither left nor right. I am the space between. 188 00:08:24,541 --> 00:08:26,275 "To me, you're all like ants 189 00:08:26,310 --> 00:08:28,144 marching to class, freaks on parade." 190 00:08:28,178 --> 00:08:31,714 I mean, why mix metaphors? Ants don't have butts. 191 00:08:31,748 --> 00:08:32,748 Wait a minute. 192 00:08:32,783 --> 00:08:35,551 - Ants do have butts. - No. 193 00:08:35,585 --> 00:08:36,852 These are Dave lyrics. 194 00:08:36,887 --> 00:08:37,920 - Dave? - Dave Matthews. 195 00:08:37,954 --> 00:08:40,088 Hard-core fans call him Dave. 196 00:08:40,123 --> 00:08:42,491 Oh, excuse me for being alive in the '90s 197 00:08:42,525 --> 00:08:44,626 and having two ears connected to a heart. 198 00:08:44,661 --> 00:08:46,895 Okay, so all we need to do is assemble a list 199 00:08:46,929 --> 00:08:48,963 of which Greendale teachers are Dave Matthews fans. 200 00:08:48,998 --> 00:08:51,365 Guess we better get to work. 201 00:09:00,710 --> 00:09:03,178 - Done. - Oh. 202 00:09:03,212 --> 00:09:04,913 Thought that would take longer. 203 00:09:04,947 --> 00:09:07,682 So please approve the Dean's new security measure 204 00:09:07,716 --> 00:09:09,316 called "Troy's law," 205 00:09:09,351 --> 00:09:14,054 because a camera in the bathroom... 206 00:09:14,088 --> 00:09:15,422 Is better than a quarter in your butt. 207 00:09:16,657 --> 00:09:18,792 As we've seen, the Ass Crack Bandit 208 00:09:18,826 --> 00:09:21,728 can be defeated by using the three "B"s: 209 00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:25,264 Belts, briefs, and buddies. Good. 210 00:09:25,299 --> 00:09:29,269 The bandit always gets his victims when they're alone. 211 00:09:29,303 --> 00:09:31,404 Bend over with friends over. 212 00:09:31,438 --> 00:09:33,473 There's safety in numbers. 213 00:09:33,507 --> 00:09:36,576 I got cracked! 214 00:09:37,645 --> 00:09:39,946 He's under the bleachers! 215 00:09:39,980 --> 00:09:41,948 Everyone remain calm, please! 216 00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:45,051 All right, free-for-all! 217 00:09:45,086 --> 00:09:46,653 Hey. Where you been? 218 00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:48,622 I questioned Guterman. We can cross him off. 219 00:09:48,656 --> 00:09:49,890 At the time of the first cracking, 220 00:09:49,924 --> 00:09:51,925 he was chaperoning Greendale's science dance. 221 00:09:51,959 --> 00:09:53,693 The student that attended can vouch for him. 222 00:09:53,728 --> 00:09:54,994 I checked out Mrs. Plimpton. 223 00:09:55,029 --> 00:09:56,930 Airtight alibi. She's dead. 224 00:09:56,964 --> 00:09:59,333 Next on my list is this one. 225 00:09:59,367 --> 00:10:02,169 Bublitz. We're close, I can feel it. 226 00:10:02,203 --> 00:10:04,004 Mmm! 227 00:10:04,038 --> 00:10:06,807 This extra long churro tastes good in my real mouth. 228 00:10:06,841 --> 00:10:10,677 Nom nom nom nom nom. 229 00:10:14,748 --> 00:10:16,349 May I help you? 230 00:10:16,383 --> 00:10:19,585 We'd like to ask you a few questions if that's okay. 231 00:10:19,620 --> 00:10:21,587 He's bolting! 232 00:10:27,328 --> 00:10:28,494 He's there! 233 00:10:35,335 --> 00:10:38,537 If you're going to confiscate this, know one thing. 234 00:10:38,572 --> 00:10:43,509 It's a mild, kind sativa, perfect for playing guitar. 235 00:10:44,545 --> 00:10:47,580 There's been another... 236 00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:51,350 what the hell? 237 00:10:51,385 --> 00:10:52,919 Destroying classrooms? 238 00:10:52,953 --> 00:10:56,523 Secretly investigating teachers behind my back? 239 00:10:56,557 --> 00:10:58,158 Someone has to investigate the faculty, 240 00:10:58,192 --> 00:11:01,061 but you're like a single-celled organism... no nerve. 241 00:11:01,095 --> 00:11:03,296 Annie, you're suspended. 242 00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:05,264 Wait, you can't do that! 243 00:11:05,299 --> 00:11:07,066 Don't tell me what I can't do. 244 00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:09,402 What do you think you are, Cosmo's July quiz? 245 00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:10,903 She was trying to help you. 246 00:11:10,937 --> 00:11:12,805 Let me ask you two something. 247 00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:15,507 Let me be, like, the 50th person at this school to ask, 248 00:11:15,541 --> 00:11:17,809 what is this, huh? 249 00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:20,312 - What is this creepy business? - What? 250 00:11:20,346 --> 00:11:23,816 I think you two like to partner up on cutesy capers 251 00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:26,017 so you can hold hands in the dark 252 00:11:26,052 --> 00:11:29,987 and address your urges in semi-acceptable scenarios. 253 00:11:30,022 --> 00:11:31,255 Whoa, not cool! 254 00:11:31,290 --> 00:11:33,959 You not cool! You unprofessional! 255 00:11:33,993 --> 00:11:35,026 I'm punishing you, Jeffrey. 256 00:11:35,061 --> 00:11:36,194 Starting next week, 257 00:11:36,228 --> 00:11:39,064 you are the new coach of the water polo team. 258 00:11:39,098 --> 00:11:40,365 - What? - That's right. 259 00:11:40,399 --> 00:11:42,901 Every morning, in the water... 260 00:11:42,936 --> 00:11:44,303 Mm. 261 00:11:44,337 --> 00:11:47,272 Craig Pelton, Dean and assistant water polo coach. 262 00:11:47,307 --> 00:11:48,474 What? 263 00:11:48,508 --> 00:11:50,009 This is the Ass Crack Bandit. 264 00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:51,911 - Uh... - I find it funny 265 00:11:51,946 --> 00:11:53,547 that you ever thought you could catch me. 266 00:11:53,581 --> 00:11:56,083 Oh, that's very interesting. Please continue. 267 00:11:56,117 --> 00:11:57,517 I've enjoyed our game of cat and mouse. 268 00:11:57,552 --> 00:11:58,652 It's funny how close 269 00:11:58,686 --> 00:12:00,353 your two little helpers came to catching me. 270 00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:02,121 I liked watching them run in circles. 271 00:12:02,156 --> 00:12:03,756 Although sometimes I wonder, 272 00:12:03,791 --> 00:12:05,424 are they chasing me as an excuse 273 00:12:05,459 --> 00:12:06,692 to get near each other? 274 00:12:06,727 --> 00:12:07,927 I mean, get a room already. 275 00:12:07,962 --> 00:12:10,196 We're friends! 276 00:12:10,231 --> 00:12:12,599 Why don't you tell us where you are, and we'll discuss it? 277 00:12:12,633 --> 00:12:14,100 I am the bringer of change. 278 00:12:14,135 --> 00:12:15,468 I am the filler of cracks. 279 00:12:15,503 --> 00:12:18,972 Oh, that's very interesting. I myself was in 4h. 280 00:12:19,007 --> 00:12:20,841 Oh! 281 00:12:20,875 --> 00:12:22,643 Trace the call, Rhonda! 282 00:12:22,677 --> 00:12:24,612 This means trace the call! 283 00:12:24,646 --> 00:12:26,380 Look at the extension. 284 00:12:26,415 --> 00:12:29,116 594. Okay. 285 00:12:29,151 --> 00:12:30,851 Tracing... 286 00:12:30,886 --> 00:12:32,954 Tracing. 287 00:12:32,988 --> 00:12:34,989 Got it, the stables! We have stables? 288 00:12:35,024 --> 00:12:36,057 Let's go. 289 00:12:42,364 --> 00:12:45,199 - Creepy. - I don't know. 290 00:12:45,234 --> 00:12:46,514 Add some doilies and a foot bath, 291 00:12:46,535 --> 00:12:49,404 and this is my mom's house. 292 00:13:00,449 --> 00:13:01,983 Mush! Mush! 293 00:13:02,017 --> 00:13:04,519 Mush! Yah! Mush! 294 00:13:04,554 --> 00:13:06,187 No, run. Mush! Mush! 295 00:13:06,222 --> 00:13:08,256 Starburns? 296 00:13:10,059 --> 00:13:12,828 Since faking his death to escape meth charges, 297 00:13:12,862 --> 00:13:16,598 Alex "Starburns" Osbourne has been living in the stables, 298 00:13:16,633 --> 00:13:19,868 eating garbage, and trying to build a cat car. 299 00:13:19,903 --> 00:13:22,104 He's also confessed to dropping coins 300 00:13:22,138 --> 00:13:25,641 down exposed butt cracks. Case closed. 301 00:13:28,111 --> 00:13:29,645 - High five? - Sure. 302 00:13:29,679 --> 00:13:32,548 - No. - Oh, American high five. Sorry. 303 00:13:32,582 --> 00:13:34,216 Whoo! 304 00:13:42,525 --> 00:13:43,692 - Oh! - Ooh! 305 00:13:53,236 --> 00:13:55,503 So much pain. 306 00:13:55,538 --> 00:13:57,005 But now it's time to heal! 307 00:13:57,039 --> 00:13:58,940 You're all invited to the official 308 00:13:58,975 --> 00:14:01,743 "we caught the Ass Crack Bandit" dance tonight 309 00:14:01,777 --> 00:14:03,111 in the cafeteria! 310 00:14:08,618 --> 00:14:09,685 Jeff! 311 00:14:09,719 --> 00:14:11,320 There's no way Starburns did it. 312 00:14:11,354 --> 00:14:14,423 - Innocent people don't confess. - Are you kidding me? 313 00:14:14,457 --> 00:14:16,658 You knew it was a teacher. You know that doesn't add up. 314 00:14:16,692 --> 00:14:18,160 Maybe I was wrong. 315 00:14:18,194 --> 00:14:21,463 Or maybe the Dean was right about us. 316 00:14:21,497 --> 00:14:22,764 What? No. 317 00:14:22,798 --> 00:14:26,101 Annie, I took this case because I wanted to help you. 318 00:14:26,135 --> 00:14:27,635 Then what is this? 319 00:14:27,670 --> 00:14:29,871 It's platonic shoulder holding. 320 00:14:29,905 --> 00:14:31,773 Look. 321 00:14:31,807 --> 00:14:34,208 Leonard, hello, how are you? 322 00:14:36,478 --> 00:14:40,181 It's a guy who puts quarters down butt cracks, Jeff. 323 00:14:40,215 --> 00:14:42,483 Let's just let it go. 324 00:14:47,956 --> 00:14:50,857 We can do better. 325 00:14:53,270 --> 00:14:57,472 Aah! Change is money! 326 00:14:57,506 --> 00:14:59,240 What are you guys, millionaires? 327 00:14:59,275 --> 00:15:01,409 T-shirts here! Cracked but not broken, huh? 328 00:15:01,444 --> 00:15:03,078 Who's in? T-shirts! 329 00:15:03,112 --> 00:15:05,681 T-shirts here! 20 bucks. 330 00:15:09,018 --> 00:15:10,919 - Professor Duncan? - Yeah? 331 00:15:10,954 --> 00:15:12,654 - Not going to the dance? - I'll go later. 332 00:15:12,689 --> 00:15:14,649 Oh, actually, would you mind coming and getting me 333 00:15:14,657 --> 00:15:16,091 when Britta's drunk? 334 00:15:16,125 --> 00:15:18,260 Listen, as Britta's friend, I should give you this ad... 335 00:15:20,062 --> 00:15:23,497 Yes! That is my jam right there. 336 00:15:23,532 --> 00:15:25,366 Dave Matthews fan? 337 00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:27,802 Obviously you're not. 338 00:15:27,836 --> 00:15:30,638 Real fans call him Dave. 339 00:15:30,672 --> 00:15:32,407 ♪ Bum bum bum ♪ 340 00:15:32,441 --> 00:15:34,909 I've heard this song before. Hey, winger, who is this? 341 00:15:34,943 --> 00:15:37,010 What are you talking about? You don't know who this is? 342 00:15:37,045 --> 00:15:38,812 I remember it from the '90s. 343 00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:41,415 ♪ Hee haw haw haw hee haw haw ♪ 344 00:15:41,449 --> 00:15:43,650 - It's Dave. - Lee Roth? 345 00:15:43,685 --> 00:15:45,119 You're not the Ass Crack Bandit. 346 00:15:45,153 --> 00:15:48,022 Shh! Keep it down, huh? I made a deal with the Dean. 347 00:15:48,056 --> 00:15:49,523 He said as long as I confessed, 348 00:15:49,557 --> 00:15:51,058 he'd let me slide on the meth stuff, 349 00:15:51,092 --> 00:15:53,227 and then he'd buy me a space heater for my stable. 350 00:15:53,261 --> 00:15:55,028 Yeah, but why call the Dean and pretend that... 351 00:15:55,063 --> 00:15:56,396 I didn't call no Dean. 352 00:15:56,431 --> 00:15:59,866 I don't call nobody don't call me. 353 00:15:59,901 --> 00:16:02,569 I got to go backstage once and meet the whole band, 354 00:16:02,604 --> 00:16:04,972 everyone... Except Dave. 355 00:16:05,006 --> 00:16:08,041 There's a whole album of photos online if you go to... 356 00:16:08,076 --> 00:16:09,876 you actually wouldn't be able to access it. 357 00:16:09,910 --> 00:16:13,846 I use an older, British form of Facebook called "mug-scroll." 358 00:16:20,855 --> 00:16:22,922 - I guess I should be going. - No, no, stay. 359 00:16:22,956 --> 00:16:24,790 We're just getting to know each other. 360 00:16:24,825 --> 00:16:26,559 I really shouldn't, I have a... 361 00:16:26,593 --> 00:16:27,660 Oopsie. 362 00:16:27,694 --> 00:16:30,329 Aren't you going to pick those up? 363 00:16:31,664 --> 00:16:32,998 Yes. 364 00:16:36,870 --> 00:16:41,407 Just... Reach down with your hand and... 365 00:16:47,247 --> 00:16:49,415 Bye. 366 00:16:54,321 --> 00:16:56,522 This is the Ass Crack Bandit. 367 00:16:56,557 --> 00:16:58,958 I find it funny that you ever thought you could catch me. 368 00:16:58,993 --> 00:17:01,027 Jeff. 369 00:17:01,061 --> 00:17:03,430 It's Duncan. 370 00:17:11,005 --> 00:17:12,071 Annie? 371 00:17:12,106 --> 00:17:14,173 Jeff? 372 00:17:14,208 --> 00:17:16,742 Very nice. 373 00:17:16,776 --> 00:17:18,410 Oh, bloody hell, 374 00:17:18,445 --> 00:17:21,813 my shoe is untied by British standards. 375 00:17:21,847 --> 00:17:23,514 Here we go. 376 00:17:23,549 --> 00:17:26,050 One bunny, two bunnies. 377 00:17:26,085 --> 00:17:27,852 Oh! Get Britta! 378 00:17:27,886 --> 00:17:30,388 Annie! Did Duncan get cracked? 379 00:17:30,422 --> 00:17:33,825 Where's the bandit? Do you see him? 380 00:17:33,859 --> 00:17:36,828 - Over there! - Come on, let's get him! 381 00:17:38,698 --> 00:17:40,065 Shirley, what are you doing? 382 00:17:40,099 --> 00:17:41,567 Looking for you. 383 00:17:41,601 --> 00:17:43,769 Did you see someone come this way? 384 00:17:43,803 --> 00:17:47,305 Jeff, Annie, Pierce is dead. 385 00:17:54,380 --> 00:17:58,016 Tonight's celebration was cut short by some tragic news. 386 00:17:58,051 --> 00:18:00,786 Pierce Hawthorne, 14-year Greendale student, 387 00:18:00,820 --> 00:18:03,356 entrepreneur, and expert heart attack faker 388 00:18:03,390 --> 00:18:05,892 has passed away, for real this time. 389 00:18:05,926 --> 00:18:07,660 Pierce had been recently banned from campus, 390 00:18:07,694 --> 00:18:09,195 but not from our hearts. 391 00:18:09,229 --> 00:18:11,297 He's survived by many ex-wives 392 00:18:11,331 --> 00:18:14,467 and all of us here at Greendale that called him friend. 393 00:18:14,501 --> 00:18:18,437 If you're listening, Pierce, you were a hell of a d&d player. 394 00:18:18,471 --> 00:18:19,738 It's time to level up. 395 00:18:19,773 --> 00:18:22,007 Up next on the dial is Dr. farts. 396 00:18:27,748 --> 00:18:29,682 I can't believe Pierce is gone. 397 00:18:29,717 --> 00:18:34,053 Yeah. Life is weird. 398 00:18:34,087 --> 00:18:37,356 It's a container for all this little stuff, 399 00:18:37,391 --> 00:18:39,392 and you get caught up in it. 400 00:18:39,426 --> 00:18:42,995 And then, the container just... 401 00:18:43,030 --> 00:18:44,997 Pbbt. 402 00:18:45,032 --> 00:18:47,500 That hallway led to a dead end. 403 00:18:47,534 --> 00:18:50,670 We might've had him. 404 00:18:50,705 --> 00:18:54,174 I should get home. Haven't slept. 405 00:19:00,716 --> 00:19:03,884 The case goes cold again. 406 00:19:06,822 --> 00:19:09,290 Don't worry. I got a feeling he'll be back. 407 00:19:09,324 --> 00:19:11,659 Or her. 408 00:19:16,098 --> 00:19:17,598 ♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪ 409 00:19:21,136 --> 00:19:25,873 ♪ 25¢ at a time he's taking our souls ♪ 410 00:19:25,908 --> 00:19:29,544 ♪ government men can't help, we're all alone ♪ 411 00:19:29,578 --> 00:19:31,679 ♪ are you feeling the breeze? ♪ 412 00:19:31,713 --> 00:19:34,048 ♪ Did you pull your belt tight? ♪ 413 00:19:34,082 --> 00:19:39,587 ♪ You know that it's wrong, you know that it's right ♪ 414 00:19:39,621 --> 00:19:43,758 ♪ out of the shadows down the coin goes ♪ 415 00:19:48,096 --> 00:19:53,367 ♪ Why, oh, why do you suppose? ♪ 416 00:19:53,402 --> 00:19:55,303 ♪ Only the bandit knows ♪ 417 00:19:55,337 --> 00:19:59,841 ♪ whoa oh oh oh oh whoa oh oh oh ♪ 418 00:19:59,875 --> 00:20:04,279 ♪ ass c-r-a-c-k bandit ♪ 419 00:20:04,313 --> 00:20:05,581 ♪ whoa oh oh oh ♪ 420 00:20:05,615 --> 00:20:08,283 ♪ oh whoa oh oh oh ♪ 421 00:20:08,318 --> 00:20:12,588 ♪ ass c-r-a-c-k can't stand it ♪ 422 00:20:12,601 --> 00:20:15,635 _ 423 00:20:15,648 --> 00:20:18,845 _ 424 00:20:18,864 --> 00:20:21,929 _ 425 00:20:21,951 --> 00:20:25,855 _ 426 00:20:27,112 --> 00:20:29,779 You know, climate change is threatening our world, 427 00:20:29,813 --> 00:20:31,013 but there is a solution: 428 00:20:31,047 --> 00:20:32,615 The cat car, 429 00:20:32,649 --> 00:20:35,284 the world's first animal-powered vehicle. 430 00:20:35,319 --> 00:20:37,953 My original prototype was hunger-based. 431 00:20:37,988 --> 00:20:40,589 But sometimes, cats aren't hungry. 432 00:20:40,624 --> 00:20:44,092 My new model will use a rear-fixed dog system. 433 00:20:44,127 --> 00:20:46,194 But dogs cost money, your money. 434 00:20:46,229 --> 00:20:49,197 By donating to this project, you'll be like an investor, 435 00:20:49,231 --> 00:20:51,566 except without taking all my profits. 436 00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:54,502 Donate $5, and you get a thank-you email. 437 00:20:54,537 --> 00:20:56,338 $50 gets you a t-shirt. 438 00:20:56,372 --> 00:20:58,474 100 gets you a t-shirt and 439 00:20:58,508 --> 00:21:00,243 a thank-you email. 440 00:21:00,277 --> 00:21:01,844 All aboard the cat car, 441 00:21:01,878 --> 00:21:05,880 and all aboard helping our nation's global warming. 442 00:21:05,897 --> 00:21:10,996 Sync & corrections by wilson0804 www.Addic7ed.com 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net