1 00:00:09,704 --> 00:00:11,550 Abed, what are you doing? 2 00:00:11,550 --> 00:00:14,012 Freelancing. 3 00:00:14,012 --> 00:00:15,972 You're not a spy for the city, are you? 4 00:00:15,972 --> 00:00:18,501 They've been sending footage of my classroom and 5 00:00:18,501 --> 00:00:21,490 pronounced me no worse than the teachers that work hard. 6 00:00:21,490 --> 00:00:22,890 I can't tell you who I'm working for. 7 00:00:22,890 --> 00:00:24,010 It's a surprise. 8 00:00:24,010 --> 00:00:26,460 Well, don't get in the way. 9 00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:27,420 You know the rules, Jeff. 10 00:00:27,420 --> 00:00:30,260 The sooner you ignore me, the sooner I stop being a factor. 11 00:00:30,260 --> 00:00:31,230 All right, people. 12 00:00:31,230 --> 00:00:36,620 Yesterday I wrote the word law on the board. 13 00:00:37,910 --> 00:00:41,930 This time, don't erase it, and maybe tomorrow we'll get even further. 14 00:00:41,930 --> 00:00:45,300 Now, I'm told Garrett has prepared a presentation for extra credit. 15 00:00:45,300 --> 00:00:48,160 By the way, everyone in class gets the credit because I'm not sure how 16 00:00:48,160 --> 00:00:49,430 much I should encourage this. 17 00:00:49,430 --> 00:00:50,370 Go ahead, Garrett. 18 00:00:50,370 --> 00:00:50,870 Thank you. 19 00:00:54,633 --> 00:00:56,793 My presentation is about marriage law. 20 00:00:56,793 --> 00:01:01,390 This is me, Garrett. 21 00:01:01,390 --> 00:01:02,019 I'm in your class. 22 00:01:04,100 --> 00:01:05,910 This is Stacy. 23 00:01:05,910 --> 00:01:07,370 She is in our class as well. 24 00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:11,398 This is what I want. 25 00:01:11,398 --> 00:01:14,774 Oh, Garrett. 26 00:01:14,774 --> 00:01:17,414 Stacy, will you marry me? 27 00:01:17,414 --> 00:01:22,638 Oh. 28 00:01:22,638 --> 00:01:25,778 Yes, yes, Garrett, yes, I will! 29 00:01:26,864 --> 00:01:31,207 Oh, Garrett! Garrett and I have been seeing each other for 30 00:01:31,207 --> 00:01:35,059 16 months, two weeks, and four days. 31 00:01:35,059 --> 00:01:37,311 We met at the school store, Pencils and Such. 32 00:01:37,311 --> 00:01:39,210 He said he was there for the such. 33 00:01:39,210 --> 00:01:42,380 I remember I was sweating a lot, and breathing heavy, and 34 00:01:42,380 --> 00:01:44,960 my heart felt like it was going to burst in my chest. 35 00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:47,710 But the day I met Stacy, most of those symptoms actually declined. 36 00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:51,210 Are you quite done? 37 00:01:51,210 --> 00:01:51,820 Yeah. 38 00:01:51,820 --> 00:01:53,160 Garrett wanted the proposal recorded. 39 00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:54,770 He thought his family might wanna see proof. 40 00:01:54,770 --> 00:01:56,250 So now what are you shooting? 41 00:01:56,250 --> 00:01:57,510 You had a strange look on your face. 42 00:01:57,510 --> 00:01:59,595 Oh, you're noticing faces now? 43 00:01:59,595 --> 00:02:02,620 Mm-hm. Aren't you still smelling hair to tell Frankie from Annie? 44 00:02:02,620 --> 00:02:03,600 Yeah. 45 00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:04,650 Well, it's official. 46 00:02:04,650 --> 00:02:06,870 I'm getting laid. 47 00:02:06,870 --> 00:02:10,170 Give me some more time in a dream. 48 00:02:10,170 --> 00:02:13,456 Give me the hope to run out of steam. 49 00:02:13,456 --> 00:02:16,870 Somebody said it could be here. 50 00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:20,917 We could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year. 51 00:02:20,917 --> 00:02:25,513 I can't count the reasons I should stay. 52 00:02:25,513 --> 00:02:28,954 One by one, they all just fade away. 53 00:02:37,307 --> 00:02:38,335 What are you doing? 54 00:02:38,335 --> 00:02:41,875 Stop. 55 00:02:41,875 --> 00:02:43,559 Hey, stop. 56 00:02:43,559 --> 00:02:50,400 If you don't put that silly thing away, I swear, I'm gonna stop loving you. 57 00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:51,367 Oh, that's it. 58 00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:57,421 Happy birthday. 59 00:02:57,421 --> 00:02:58,970 What are you two doing? 60 00:02:58,970 --> 00:03:01,670 We're doing Annie's missing lover footage. 61 00:03:01,670 --> 00:03:04,780 You, you know in movies where the hero's wife or girlfriend is dead or 62 00:03:04,780 --> 00:03:08,820 missing, and so he sits in the dark and he watches her in a home movie, 63 00:03:08,820 --> 00:03:09,810 or - Or a hologram. 64 00:03:09,810 --> 00:03:13,380 Or a hologram over and over, and she's always beautiful and full of love, 65 00:03:13,380 --> 00:03:14,760 almost to the point of being stupid. 66 00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:17,420 We're making footage like that for me in case I get kidnapped or murdered. 67 00:03:17,420 --> 00:03:18,720 Oh, super healthy, guys. 68 00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:19,740 The health department called. 69 00:03:19,740 --> 00:03:21,270 They don't want anything back. 70 00:03:23,220 --> 00:03:24,718 Britta, don't look at the camera. 71 00:03:24,718 --> 00:03:25,680 Okay, look at the camera. 72 00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:27,534 Today's Garrett's wedding. 73 00:03:27,534 --> 00:03:30,733 For those who don't know, Garrett, he's a guy we don't really know, 74 00:03:30,733 --> 00:03:33,996 that we've known for like six years at school, the funny-looking guy. 75 00:03:33,996 --> 00:03:35,528 Britta, mean! 76 00:03:35,528 --> 00:03:37,177 Sorry! 77 00:03:37,177 --> 00:03:40,480 The eccentric-looking guy. 78 00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:41,420 What's happening? 79 00:03:41,420 --> 00:03:42,420 Everything's going wrong. 80 00:03:42,420 --> 00:03:43,270 That guy. 81 00:03:43,270 --> 00:03:46,060 Remember when we said we were cleaning? 82 00:03:46,060 --> 00:03:48,840 Yeah. But remember about Abed's documentary? 83 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:51,090 The documentary is about what we're doing. 84 00:03:51,090 --> 00:03:52,250 And we're cleaning. 85 00:03:52,250 --> 00:03:56,220 Yeah, but if we're both cleaning then there's nobody to explain why. 86 00:03:56,220 --> 00:03:57,790 She doesn't understand filmmaking. 87 00:03:57,790 --> 00:03:58,920 I lived in New York. 88 00:03:58,920 --> 00:04:00,314 What else should we talk about? 89 00:04:04,916 --> 00:04:08,792 We volunteered our apartment as a staging area where our friends can get 90 00:04:08,792 --> 00:04:10,674 ready and keep each other on time. 91 00:04:10,674 --> 00:04:12,190 Oh. 92 00:04:12,190 --> 00:04:14,740 The thing to understand about our friends 93 00:04:14,740 --> 00:04:19,220 is that friends isn't an adequate label. 94 00:04:19,220 --> 00:04:23,470 We're an intensely, intimately bonded crew. 95 00:04:24,520 --> 00:04:25,800 Oh, I can't, no! 96 00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:26,330 No! 97 00:04:26,330 --> 00:04:31,090 Do you want flashy forward, or cherry and classic? 98 00:04:31,090 --> 00:04:31,592 Do you have black? 99 00:04:32,967 --> 00:04:33,564 That's a no. 100 00:04:33,564 --> 00:04:36,900 That beleaguered sigh means, no, I can't have black nails. 101 00:04:36,900 --> 00:04:37,980 Don't look at the camera. 102 00:04:37,980 --> 00:04:42,120 You absolutely can, and we all will when our bodies decompose. 103 00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:43,860 Please don't Jim the camera like that. 104 00:04:43,860 --> 00:04:44,700 Jim the camera? 105 00:04:44,700 --> 00:04:46,350 The color black hasn't had - It's not a color. 106 00:04:46,350 --> 00:04:48,730 Anything to do with death or edginess since '89! 107 00:04:48,730 --> 00:04:49,980 I mean, absence of color. 108 00:04:49,980 --> 00:04:51,770 My accountant has black nails! 109 00:04:51,770 --> 00:04:52,830 Your what?! 110 00:04:52,830 --> 00:04:54,661 Don't jump on that, my accountant, it's a figure of speech. 111 00:04:54,661 --> 00:04:57,204 It's a form of speech called making things up. 112 00:04:59,145 --> 00:04:59,912 Abed, can you get that? 113 00:04:59,912 --> 00:05:01,870 I can film you getting it. 114 00:05:01,870 --> 00:05:02,996 It's open! 115 00:05:02,996 --> 00:05:03,703 Is it? 116 00:05:03,703 --> 00:05:07,286 I don't know, let's see. 117 00:05:07,286 --> 00:05:09,186 Frankie. Hi girl. 118 00:05:09,186 --> 00:05:12,200 So, I didn't, put on my wedding clothes, like you said. 119 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:14,660 So we can get dressed together and be girls together. 120 00:05:14,660 --> 00:05:16,220 This is gonna be fun. 121 00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:21,500 Annie and Britta told me to come over and get ready with them for 122 00:05:21,500 --> 00:05:22,750 Garrett's wedding. 123 00:05:22,750 --> 00:05:24,300 I didn't say no. 124 00:05:24,300 --> 00:05:26,138 Who says no to something like that? 125 00:05:26,138 --> 00:05:30,780 A cold, off-putting incompatible person. 126 00:05:30,780 --> 00:05:35,480 The kind of person that turns a sleepover into a stoning. 127 00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:38,730 I had rocks, thrown at me. 128 00:05:38,730 --> 00:05:42,492 Biblical, igneous, jagged, hateful, pointy, ninja rocks, and 129 00:05:42,492 --> 00:05:44,344 that's not gonna happen again. 130 00:05:48,215 --> 00:05:48,900 What have you been up to? 131 00:05:48,900 --> 00:05:53,180 I think you already asked that. 132 00:05:53,180 --> 00:05:54,000 Did you answer? 133 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:55,290 Didn't I? 134 00:05:55,290 --> 00:05:57,380 I think I did. I don't think you did. 135 00:05:57,380 --> 00:05:59,410 Well, that's not like me. 136 00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:01,745 Well, maybe you're nervous. 137 00:06:01,745 --> 00:06:04,752 No, no. 138 00:06:04,752 --> 00:06:08,017 Well, why don't we just say that if you did answer, we forgot so 139 00:06:08,017 --> 00:06:09,550 we're asking again. 140 00:06:09,550 --> 00:06:12,030 Oh, I have been working. 141 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:17,150 And I've been tending to my personal affairs. 142 00:06:17,150 --> 00:06:17,650 Mm. 143 00:06:23,030 --> 00:06:25,856 Mia, I don't know if I mentioned. 144 00:06:25,856 --> 00:06:31,657 One of my sisters as well, you know, one of them is deceased, 145 00:06:31,657 --> 00:06:36,357 and the other is mentally retarded. 146 00:06:37,925 --> 00:06:39,045 Panty raid. 147 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:42,530 When I say drink, you say now. 148 00:06:42,530 --> 00:06:43,190 Drink. Now. 149 00:06:43,190 --> 00:06:43,730 Drink. 150 00:06:43,730 --> 00:06:46,130 Now. When I say drink, you say now. 151 00:06:46,130 --> 00:06:46,943 Drink. Now. 152 00:06:46,943 --> 00:06:48,239 Drink. Now. 153 00:06:49,545 --> 00:06:52,030 Hey what are you guys doing? 154 00:06:52,030 --> 00:06:54,221 We gotta go. The wedding starts in like 40 minutes. 155 00:06:54,221 --> 00:06:56,890 We batted the time. 156 00:06:56,890 --> 00:06:59,140 Huh? We lied to you cause we knew you'd be late. 157 00:06:59,140 --> 00:07:01,170 So we lied to you about the time. 158 00:07:01,170 --> 00:07:05,070 Yeah! You don't need perfect people to make a perfect team. 159 00:07:05,070 --> 00:07:07,930 You need people whose flaws feed into each other. 160 00:07:07,930 --> 00:07:10,385 It's what do you call it? 161 00:07:10,385 --> 00:07:11,720 Co-dependence. 162 00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:12,240 Synergy. 163 00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:14,690 For instance, there might be something Britta hates doing, 164 00:07:14,690 --> 00:07:15,860 but Annie loves doing. 165 00:07:15,860 --> 00:07:17,880 Or there might be something that Annie hates doing, but 166 00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:22,240 she does it anyways, because what she really loves is to feel useful. 167 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:24,750 You literally just defined co-dependence. 168 00:07:24,750 --> 00:07:25,710 Here's to synergy. 169 00:07:27,780 --> 00:07:28,510 Oh, look at you. 170 00:07:28,510 --> 00:07:29,210 You little helper. 171 00:07:29,210 --> 00:07:30,092 Oh. Okay, 172 00:07:30,092 --> 00:07:36,077 do you Garrett take Jack Nicholson to be your lawfully wedded wife? 173 00:07:36,077 --> 00:07:37,975 I do. 174 00:07:37,975 --> 00:07:41,096 I do, Johnny. 175 00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:45,340 We invented a new game. 176 00:07:45,340 --> 00:07:47,780 Celebrity Garrett marriage. 177 00:07:47,780 --> 00:07:50,691 Christian Slater to be your lawfully wedded wife. 178 00:07:50,691 --> 00:07:53,477 I do. 179 00:07:53,477 --> 00:07:55,810 I do. 180 00:07:55,810 --> 00:07:56,699 Boo. 181 00:07:56,699 --> 00:07:57,413 There's only Nicholson. 182 00:07:57,413 --> 00:07:58,550 Yeah, well, listen to him. 183 00:07:58,550 --> 00:08:00,860 We were genius to pad the time margin. 184 00:08:00,860 --> 00:08:02,860 Because now we have, like, three more hours to play the game. 185 00:08:02,860 --> 00:08:03,649 Okay. 186 00:08:03,649 --> 00:08:08,870 Do you, Garrett, take Aubrey Plaza to be your wife? 187 00:08:10,010 --> 00:08:11,137 I do. 188 00:08:11,137 --> 00:08:12,694 I do. 189 00:08:12,694 --> 00:08:15,310 Wait. 190 00:08:15,310 --> 00:08:16,289 What do you mean, three more hours? 191 00:08:16,289 --> 00:08:17,559 How is that even possible? 192 00:08:19,586 --> 00:08:22,209 What, what time is the wedding? 193 00:08:22,209 --> 00:08:23,858 Wait, what time is it now? 194 00:08:23,858 --> 00:08:25,274 We're late. 195 00:08:25,274 --> 00:08:25,924 We're late. 196 00:08:25,924 --> 00:08:26,481 Aah! 197 00:08:28,290 --> 00:08:33,116 Gather everyone to the car. 198 00:08:33,116 --> 00:08:34,010 What? Yeah. 199 00:08:34,010 --> 00:08:34,759 We'll drive together. 200 00:08:34,759 --> 00:08:35,421 We are not driving together. 201 00:08:35,421 --> 00:08:35,955 It's already been settled. 202 00:08:35,955 --> 00:08:36,837 Nothing was settled. 203 00:08:40,941 --> 00:08:42,270 What? 204 00:08:42,270 --> 00:08:43,087 They left me home alone. 205 00:08:43,087 --> 00:08:45,936 I'm home alone. 206 00:08:45,936 --> 00:08:47,271 Well, not really. 207 00:08:50,145 --> 00:08:51,788 What the hell you doing? 208 00:08:51,788 --> 00:08:53,628 C'mon, let's go, go, go, go, go, go, go. 209 00:08:53,628 --> 00:08:54,214 Okay geez. 210 00:08:57,737 --> 00:08:58,527 Abed, you too. 211 00:08:58,527 --> 00:08:59,070 Come on. 212 00:08:59,070 --> 00:08:59,750 Oh, yeah. 213 00:09:01,870 --> 00:09:05,025 We are here to witness the union of Garrett and 214 00:09:05,025 --> 00:09:10,580 Stacy in the eyes of, well in the eyes of whatever power you choose. 215 00:09:10,580 --> 00:09:14,600 Personally, I find the notion of choosing to be needlessly limited. 216 00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:17,550 What if I'm capable of total contradiction? 217 00:09:17,550 --> 00:09:23,690 What if science and religion were mine to wield as I choose? 218 00:09:23,690 --> 00:09:24,766 What if I'm God? 219 00:09:24,766 --> 00:09:28,870 What if I'm God? 220 00:09:31,894 --> 00:09:33,944 It is likely that I am not, but 221 00:09:33,944 --> 00:09:39,110 I think it's totally out of line to take that possibility off of the table. 222 00:09:39,110 --> 00:09:41,910 Now, I understand that vows have been written. 223 00:09:43,070 --> 00:09:48,382 Stacy, when I first saw you, looking at you made me feel good. 224 00:09:48,382 --> 00:09:50,620 Touching you, felt better and 225 00:09:50,620 --> 00:09:55,536 knowing you made me realize that without you, I, I am incomplete. 226 00:09:55,536 --> 00:09:56,579 I know I look pretty complete. 227 00:09:58,828 --> 00:10:01,787 Somebody over there laughed at that the wrong way. 228 00:10:01,787 --> 00:10:04,537 You are my body and my soul. 229 00:10:04,537 --> 00:10:06,537 You are my favorite video game. 230 00:10:06,537 --> 00:10:07,121 Yes. 231 00:10:07,121 --> 00:10:07,666 Come on. 232 00:10:07,666 --> 00:10:08,427 Guys, guys guys. 233 00:10:08,427 --> 00:10:11,469 Everybody's looking at us. 234 00:10:13,036 --> 00:10:14,824 Your was louder than what I said. 235 00:10:21,227 --> 00:10:24,187 Welcome! Everyone back there, you're welcome. 236 00:10:24,187 --> 00:10:26,102 Please join us. 237 00:10:26,102 --> 00:10:27,332 Any of those people could be God. 238 00:10:27,332 --> 00:10:28,122 Okay. 239 00:10:28,122 --> 00:10:28,772 Over there. 240 00:10:28,772 --> 00:10:30,828 Yeah. Oh. 241 00:10:32,372 --> 00:10:34,814 Yes. Ow! 242 00:10:34,814 --> 00:10:40,504 Garrett, since we met you have felt so familiar. 243 00:10:40,504 --> 00:10:43,076 I love making sandwiches with you. 244 00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:45,160 I love folding towels with you. 245 00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:48,677 I love giving you your pain killers, at the end of the day. 246 00:10:48,677 --> 00:10:51,028 Aw. 247 00:10:51,028 --> 00:10:53,281 Well that, those aren't really vows. 248 00:10:53,281 --> 00:10:56,710 That's a list of things you love about me, yeah. 249 00:10:56,710 --> 00:10:57,800 I'm so sorry. 250 00:10:57,800 --> 00:10:58,404 It's okay. 251 00:10:58,404 --> 00:11:02,212 Garrett, do you take Stacy to be your lawfully wedded wife. 252 00:11:02,212 --> 00:11:02,793 I do. 253 00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:08,483 Stacy, do you take Garrett to be your lawfully wedded husband, 254 00:11:08,483 --> 00:11:10,734 to have and to hold and to honor. 255 00:11:10,734 --> 00:11:12,863 Yes I do. 256 00:11:20,015 --> 00:11:21,840 Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. 257 00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:24,405 Garrett Lambert, Garrett you may kiss Mrs. Garrett. 258 00:11:36,584 --> 00:11:38,626 Where the party at? 259 00:11:38,626 --> 00:11:44,743 Okay, let's endure this. 260 00:11:44,743 --> 00:11:46,298 Are we mailing today, or what? 261 00:11:46,298 --> 00:11:47,527 Who would have thought Barrett's 262 00:11:47,527 --> 00:11:49,014 wedding would be the best day of our lives. 263 00:11:49,014 --> 00:11:51,214 Definitely not Garrett, since his name's not Barrett. 264 00:11:51,214 --> 00:11:51,911 Whoopsie. 265 00:11:51,911 --> 00:11:53,257 We say a wrong a name. 266 00:11:53,257 --> 00:11:53,768 Oh! 267 00:11:53,768 --> 00:11:54,459 Racist. 268 00:11:54,459 --> 00:11:55,387 Oh, no. You a racist. 269 00:11:55,387 --> 00:11:56,746 That guy's a racist. 270 00:11:56,746 --> 00:11:59,213 From here to there is racist. 271 00:11:59,213 --> 00:12:00,763 Hm. 272 00:12:00,763 --> 00:12:04,205 Oh. 273 00:12:04,205 --> 00:12:05,279 Hi. Having a good time? 274 00:12:05,279 --> 00:12:06,411 Oh, yes. 275 00:12:06,411 --> 00:12:07,775 Are you Garrett's mom? 276 00:12:07,775 --> 00:12:08,727 I sure am. 277 00:12:08,727 --> 00:12:10,465 Aw. 278 00:12:10,465 --> 00:12:15,390 I think you guys could maybe take a step back, gain a little perspective, 279 00:12:15,390 --> 00:12:20,513 so you don't wreck the whole night for some really wonderful people. 280 00:12:20,513 --> 00:12:24,885 You came to a wedding in the middle of the vows through a bush. 281 00:12:24,885 --> 00:12:29,904 I'm not Dr. Phil, but, I don't want my son to kill himself, 282 00:12:29,904 --> 00:12:32,000 so, do what you gotta do! 283 00:12:34,212 --> 00:12:36,876 Yeah. 284 00:12:36,876 --> 00:12:40,140 Hm. 285 00:12:40,140 --> 00:12:41,190 Holy crap. 286 00:12:41,190 --> 00:12:42,285 What have we done? 287 00:12:42,285 --> 00:12:44,250 Okay, we just got checked. 288 00:12:44,250 --> 00:12:45,490 Mm-hm. And it was pretty deserved. 289 00:12:45,490 --> 00:12:48,700 But, we're not just gonna stand here and lick our wounds either. 290 00:12:48,700 --> 00:12:49,280 Jeff is right. 291 00:12:50,370 --> 00:12:53,070 And that chipper passive aggressive lady, she's right, too. 292 00:12:53,070 --> 00:12:59,607 So, let's spread out and - Be the best wedding guests, anyone has ever seen! 293 00:12:59,607 --> 00:13:00,181 Yes. 294 00:13:00,181 --> 00:13:02,074 Yeah. I'm not gonna over think it, I'm just gonna try it. 295 00:13:02,074 --> 00:13:02,840 Try it. Okay. 296 00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:04,332 Yes. 297 00:13:04,332 --> 00:13:04,958 Hey. 298 00:13:04,958 --> 00:13:05,492 Mazel tov. 299 00:13:05,492 --> 00:13:10,027 So, a stranger walked over to our very proud group and smashed our pride 300 00:13:10,027 --> 00:13:14,830 into pieces with a hammer, which definitely felt like a disaster. 301 00:13:14,830 --> 00:13:19,940 Then, I started to pick up the pieces of our pride, and weirdly enough, 302 00:13:19,940 --> 00:13:24,850 the first piece I picked up was my own pride, all of it. 303 00:13:24,850 --> 00:13:27,340 It's almost like groups and people in groups, 304 00:13:27,340 --> 00:13:29,960 can never be complete at the same time. 305 00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:31,800 Does that make any sense? 306 00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:36,200 No? Well, that's your problem. 307 00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:39,530 I love you, Abed. 308 00:13:39,530 --> 00:13:41,590 Do I know how to be a good wedding guest? 309 00:13:41,590 --> 00:13:42,470 Yes, I do. 310 00:13:42,470 --> 00:13:44,910 A little too well, that's the problem. 311 00:13:44,910 --> 00:13:48,873 My name is Elroy Patashnik, and from 2006 to 2009, 312 00:13:48,873 --> 00:13:51,840 I was addicted to encouraging white people. 313 00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:53,326 All right! 314 00:13:53,326 --> 00:13:55,044 Now there's a man who knows his meatballs. 315 00:13:55,044 --> 00:13:56,367 Thank you. 316 00:13:56,367 --> 00:13:57,923 It started as simple survival. 317 00:13:57,923 --> 00:14:00,348 The tech industry in the 90s, this face, this voice, 318 00:14:00,348 --> 00:14:02,430 they're either gonna help you or hold you back. 319 00:14:02,430 --> 00:14:06,700 So, you tap the gas, because well, why tap the brake? 320 00:14:06,700 --> 00:14:10,720 Oh, you know, you know what you're doing. 321 00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:13,980 This man knows exactly what he's doing. 322 00:14:13,980 --> 00:14:16,640 I learned the cheat code. 323 00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:18,370 White people like encouragement. 324 00:14:18,370 --> 00:14:20,090 It really doesn't matter what for. 325 00:14:20,090 --> 00:14:21,795 Now, that's a container for liquid. 326 00:14:21,795 --> 00:14:22,840 I never felt like a sellout. 327 00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:26,230 I never laugh at anything unfunny, never said anything untrue. 328 00:14:26,230 --> 00:14:29,313 The thing is, and this will sound racist, 329 00:14:29,313 --> 00:14:34,840 white people are very discouraged, and very discouraging to each other. 330 00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:37,920 Sweetie, you, you're getting meatball juice everywhere but your plate. 331 00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:40,270 I think I'm going better than you are, with your asparagus. 332 00:14:40,270 --> 00:14:44,090 Oh, now that's the way to handle meatballs. 333 00:14:44,090 --> 00:14:45,710 And look at you. 334 00:14:45,710 --> 00:14:47,380 Working that asparagus. 335 00:14:47,380 --> 00:14:51,979 So, the day you start telling them, hey, just do what you're doing! 336 00:14:51,979 --> 00:14:52,675 I love you. 337 00:14:52,675 --> 00:14:53,533 I love you. 338 00:14:53,533 --> 00:14:55,414 You feel like a superhero. 339 00:14:55,414 --> 00:14:57,495 But, what's the danger? 340 00:14:57,495 --> 00:14:59,120 Why'd I stop? 341 00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:03,620 You know, same as anything else that makes you feel good. 342 00:15:03,620 --> 00:15:06,115 If you don't put a lid on it. 343 00:15:06,115 --> 00:15:09,180 Oh, look at these pants. 344 00:15:09,180 --> 00:15:10,250 Oh, oh, oh. 345 00:15:10,250 --> 00:15:14,154 He should keep on wearing, 346 00:15:14,154 --> 00:15:18,069 keep on wearing his pants. 347 00:15:18,069 --> 00:15:19,997 There's no lid. 348 00:15:19,997 --> 00:15:24,020 Stacy has a 90 year old meemaw here. 349 00:15:24,020 --> 00:15:25,390 I pushed her around the dance floor. 350 00:15:25,390 --> 00:15:27,270 I think she liked it. 351 00:15:27,270 --> 00:15:28,860 No, that's Polly. 352 00:15:28,860 --> 00:15:32,290 No, Great Aunt Polly is Garrett's side. 353 00:15:32,290 --> 00:15:32,830 I haven't met her. 354 00:15:34,090 --> 00:15:36,458 Oh my God, do you think she saw me pushing meemaw, and 355 00:15:36,458 --> 00:15:38,521 now she's wondering what's wrong with her? 356 00:15:38,521 --> 00:15:39,280 I'll be right back. 357 00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:42,120 Annie, the world will still need you after you finish your cake. 358 00:15:43,490 --> 00:15:44,910 Am I that bad? 359 00:15:44,910 --> 00:15:45,840 We have the same dragon. 360 00:15:46,970 --> 00:15:51,280 Eventually you will slay it, or train it, or dissolve in its stomach. 361 00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:53,940 Its name is Helping Others. 362 00:15:53,940 --> 00:15:55,590 If I train it, can I give it a cooler name? 363 00:15:55,590 --> 00:15:57,610 If you train it, you can do anything you want. 364 00:15:57,610 --> 00:15:59,350 If you slay it, I don't know. 365 00:15:59,350 --> 00:16:02,350 I guess you get a new dragon named Yourself. 366 00:16:02,350 --> 00:16:03,520 And then you'd be Jeff Winger. 367 00:16:04,690 --> 00:16:06,680 Yeah, that guy needs help! 368 00:16:08,099 --> 00:16:12,990 What would you name your dragon? 369 00:16:12,990 --> 00:16:16,770 I think we need a list of dragon names. 370 00:16:16,770 --> 00:16:20,150 Yeah! And then we need to get you away from Jeff. 371 00:16:20,150 --> 00:16:23,157 Is what I wanted to say, but how is that my business? 372 00:16:25,909 --> 00:16:29,397 You don't show these to people when you finish them? 373 00:16:29,397 --> 00:16:31,693 No. Okay, good. 374 00:16:35,234 --> 00:16:37,490 So then why do you make them, again? 375 00:16:37,490 --> 00:16:38,430 It relaxes me. 376 00:16:38,430 --> 00:16:39,580 It's like knitting with less discipline. 377 00:16:41,010 --> 00:16:42,130 Princess Firebreath. 378 00:16:42,130 --> 00:16:43,580 Sir Pent. 379 00:16:43,580 --> 00:16:45,340 Doctor Rachel Spinetail. 380 00:16:45,340 --> 00:16:46,250 Holly Hotbreath. 381 00:16:46,250 --> 00:16:47,230 Ugh. 382 00:16:47,230 --> 00:16:48,170 Jimmy Talon. 383 00:16:48,170 --> 00:16:49,510 Christian Scale. 384 00:16:49,510 --> 00:16:51,550 I got into a bit of a celebrity pun barrel here. 385 00:16:51,550 --> 00:16:52,610 Carson Scaley. 386 00:16:52,610 --> 00:16:53,680 Jude Claw. 387 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:54,710 Ariana Puffington. 388 00:16:56,210 --> 00:16:58,710 Hi. Are these your biggest ice cubes? 389 00:16:58,710 --> 00:17:00,004 No, you're boisterous! 390 00:17:00,004 --> 00:17:01,330 Where's my brother!? 391 00:17:01,330 --> 00:17:03,430 I've gotta thing to say about my friend Garrett! 392 00:17:03,430 --> 00:17:08,190 There has been a plot twist in the story of our comeback as wedding guests. 393 00:17:08,190 --> 00:17:12,550 Garrett's older brother Bones has relapsed during his weekend pass and 394 00:17:12,550 --> 00:17:15,550 will be unable to do the best man toast. 395 00:17:15,550 --> 00:17:16,870 You got him? 396 00:17:16,870 --> 00:17:19,540 So, I took Garrett's mom's side and 397 00:17:19,540 --> 00:17:23,970 told her after our behavior today, it was the least I could do for them. 398 00:17:23,970 --> 00:17:27,580 And I'm not gonna Winger speech it, this is a thing of substance. 399 00:17:27,580 --> 00:17:31,000 We pooled all the inside info based on all the mingling, and 400 00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:34,220 this toast is rocket fueled selflessness. 401 00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:38,110 And this wedding is gonna regret the day it thought we'd make it about us. 402 00:17:38,110 --> 00:17:41,473 Because we're about to be the first guests in history to out-toast 403 00:17:41,473 --> 00:17:43,230 the entire wedding party. 404 00:17:43,230 --> 00:17:44,950 God, I love my job! 405 00:17:46,070 --> 00:17:47,220 Wait, this isn't my job. 406 00:17:47,220 --> 00:17:49,130 God, I love myself! 407 00:17:49,130 --> 00:17:52,481 That was Stacy's first time! 408 00:17:55,453 --> 00:17:58,250 But it's not gonna be her last time, right Garrett? 409 00:18:00,540 --> 00:18:02,970 So many classic toast errors. 410 00:18:02,970 --> 00:18:04,600 A fire hydrant could follow this. 411 00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:08,360 I love you so much, and please, keep painting. 412 00:18:08,360 --> 00:18:10,280 Don't let Garrett, don't paint. 413 00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:14,250 Don't let Garrett keep you from painting. 414 00:18:14,250 --> 00:18:15,120 Okay, I'm done. 415 00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:17,660 Okay, Stacy's friend Andi everybody. 416 00:18:17,660 --> 00:18:19,632 Next up we have a replacement best man, 417 00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:21,970 Garrett's friend from Greendale College, Jeffrey Winger. 418 00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:26,460 There's a lot of things I can say about this couple. 419 00:18:26,460 --> 00:18:28,840 They're both in my class at Greendale, and 420 00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:32,494 like all my students, I give them till about June. 421 00:18:33,626 --> 00:18:39,260 No, you guys'll be fine forever, as long as Stacy never lets Andi babysit. 422 00:18:40,410 --> 00:18:42,350 Or go near a child. 423 00:18:42,350 --> 00:18:46,250 Or be in the same town as a pair of scissors. 424 00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:48,170 This girl's a wreck. 425 00:18:48,170 --> 00:18:51,080 He's being too mean. 426 00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:52,205 No, he's reading the room. 427 00:18:52,205 --> 00:18:53,755 Andi was a bummer, they needed this. 428 00:18:53,755 --> 00:18:56,460 Life's about two people merging their lives, but 429 00:18:56,460 --> 00:19:01,510 that means two families are leaving here tonight as one. 430 00:19:01,510 --> 00:19:02,980 That's a big deal. 431 00:19:02,980 --> 00:19:06,650 Now my friends and I came here tonight as outsiders, but 432 00:19:06,650 --> 00:19:08,410 thanks to some good advice, 433 00:19:08,410 --> 00:19:14,310 we spent the night learning about these two clans of outsiders. 434 00:19:14,310 --> 00:19:17,800 We learned that Garrett's uncle Tony is a photographer. 435 00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:21,110 But Uncle Tony, did you know that Stacy's friend Lawrence makes and 436 00:19:21,110 --> 00:19:22,300 sells frames? 437 00:19:22,300 --> 00:19:24,860 Yeah, look each other up, get some business going. 438 00:19:24,860 --> 00:19:28,660 Oh, and Garrett's neighbor Dawn loves vintage cars. 439 00:19:28,660 --> 00:19:33,170 Stacy's chiropractor Susan brought her dad, and guess what? 440 00:19:33,170 --> 00:19:36,410 Her dad worked in an automobile factory in the 60s. 441 00:19:36,410 --> 00:19:40,130 Yeah, I know, these are the kind of things you learn being the biggest 442 00:19:40,130 --> 00:19:41,970 jerks at a wedding. 443 00:19:41,970 --> 00:19:43,960 Here's another golden nugget in the gravel. 444 00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:48,535 Some of you have worked the dance floor with Garrett's divine great aunt 445 00:19:48,535 --> 00:19:50,263 Polly, 90 years young. 446 00:19:51,563 --> 00:19:57,541 And some of you chatted with Stacy's meemaw, also 90 years young. 447 00:19:59,770 --> 00:20:04,618 Now, I don't know if they've even meT before tonight, 448 00:20:04,618 --> 00:20:10,480 but we did learn that both of them were born in the same town. 449 00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:12,350 Sheridan, Wyoming. 450 00:20:12,350 --> 00:20:16,210 Now Garrett and Stacy, would you mind getting them both out here? 451 00:20:16,210 --> 00:20:16,970 All right. 452 00:20:16,970 --> 00:20:18,149 Yeah! 453 00:20:18,149 --> 00:20:20,406 I know Aunt Polly's here. 454 00:20:20,406 --> 00:20:21,948 Isn't she beautiful? 455 00:20:23,543 --> 00:20:24,740 Okay. 456 00:20:24,740 --> 00:20:27,881 Who has got eyes on meemaw? 457 00:20:30,031 --> 00:20:32,073 This is meemaw. 458 00:20:32,073 --> 00:20:35,041 Oh, this is meemaw! 459 00:20:35,041 --> 00:20:36,490 Okay, I feel like an idiot. 460 00:20:36,490 --> 00:20:38,391 I'm so, so sorry. 461 00:20:38,391 --> 00:20:40,381 Garrett, where's Aunt Polly? 462 00:20:43,156 --> 00:20:44,989 Okay. 463 00:20:44,989 --> 00:20:50,049 I, now I don't feel as stupid because either someone 464 00:20:50,049 --> 00:20:55,031 here is lying, or this family's a lot closer than we thought. 465 00:21:03,365 --> 00:21:10,698 And now, this is a man that knows how to marry his cousin. 466 00:21:23,823 --> 00:21:26,406 None of this would have happened if I wasn't always trying to help. 467 00:21:26,406 --> 00:21:28,672 Actually, none of this would have happened if I hadn't tried helping you 468 00:21:28,672 --> 00:21:29,448 with your helpfulness. 469 00:21:29,448 --> 00:21:31,365 Oh, don't torture yourself with that logic. 470 00:21:31,365 --> 00:21:33,865 None of us would have met if Hitler hadn't been born. 471 00:21:33,865 --> 00:21:36,491 Also none of Britta's arguments would have a default analogy. 472 00:21:36,491 --> 00:21:37,531 Excuse me? 473 00:21:37,531 --> 00:21:38,948 He's saying you go to the Hitler well a lot. 474 00:21:38,948 --> 00:21:40,448 What are you, Hitler, Hitler? 475 00:21:40,448 --> 00:21:44,115 Okay, Britta, we're all the worst right now, take a day off. 476 00:21:44,115 --> 00:21:45,531 I did. 477 00:21:45,531 --> 00:21:49,350 Between us ruining the ceremony and ruining the reception when we were all 478 00:21:49,350 --> 00:21:51,823 just individual people, I wasn't the worst. 479 00:21:51,823 --> 00:21:53,448 I'm only the worst with you guys. 480 00:21:53,448 --> 00:21:54,740 Well, me too. Me too. 481 00:21:54,740 --> 00:21:56,448 I was a good dean before you guys. 482 00:21:56,448 --> 00:21:57,073 Aw. 483 00:21:57,073 --> 00:21:57,995 You can't disprove it. 484 00:21:57,995 --> 00:21:59,948 I relapsed because of you guys. 485 00:21:59,948 --> 00:22:00,740 What? Oh it's not a big deal. 486 00:22:00,740 --> 00:22:01,865 White people problems. 487 00:22:01,865 --> 00:22:02,449 Oh. 488 00:22:02,449 --> 00:22:03,615 I like this group. 489 00:22:03,615 --> 00:22:05,240 I'm at my best when I'm with you guys. 490 00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:05,990 Well, that clinches it. 491 00:22:05,990 --> 00:22:06,490 Separate cabs. 492 00:22:06,490 --> 00:22:07,031 Separate cabs. 493 00:22:07,031 --> 00:22:09,365 Separate cabs. 494 00:22:09,365 --> 00:22:10,740 Hi! 495 00:22:10,740 --> 00:22:14,448 For those still with us, we won't be cutting the cake or dancing. 496 00:22:14,448 --> 00:22:17,472 And I believe there was a guy in a Homer Simpson costume that was gonna 497 00:22:17,472 --> 00:22:18,115 surprise me. 498 00:22:18,115 --> 00:22:20,740 That won't be necessary! 499 00:22:20,740 --> 00:22:23,990 Drive safe, and thank you for coming. 500 00:22:23,990 --> 00:22:25,531 What are you going to do? 501 00:22:25,531 --> 00:22:26,199 Chang! 502 00:22:26,199 --> 00:22:27,115 Chang! 503 00:22:27,115 --> 00:22:28,365 We're going home. 504 00:22:28,365 --> 00:22:29,281 Are you gonna stay married? 505 00:22:29,281 --> 00:22:30,073 Chang! 506 00:22:30,073 --> 00:22:30,990 Chang! Chang! 507 00:22:30,990 --> 00:22:32,964 We consulted with a lawyer, and 508 00:22:32,964 --> 00:22:35,823 it is legal in this state to marry your cousin. 509 00:22:35,823 --> 00:22:39,656 But after talking to our family, we feel an annulment is warranted. 510 00:22:39,656 --> 00:22:40,531 What no, screw that. 511 00:22:40,531 --> 00:22:41,365 Chang. No. 512 00:22:41,365 --> 00:22:42,281 Chang. No. 513 00:22:42,281 --> 00:22:42,782 Chang, get back here. 514 00:22:42,782 --> 00:22:43,698 Hey, screw you guys. 515 00:22:43,698 --> 00:22:45,222 No, this family is so screwed up, 516 00:22:45,222 --> 00:22:47,281 you thought you were two different families. 517 00:22:47,281 --> 00:22:48,752 Now that you know you're not, 518 00:22:48,752 --> 00:22:51,531 you can't wait to leave, and you want this guy to do what? 519 00:22:51,531 --> 00:22:52,865 Forget he's in love? 520 00:22:52,865 --> 00:22:54,198 For you? 521 00:22:54,198 --> 00:22:56,480 You want him to take one for this crappy team? 522 00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:57,140 Let him finish. 523 00:22:57,140 --> 00:22:58,740 They were letting me finish, sir. 524 00:22:58,740 --> 00:23:00,240 I know, I was being sarcastic. 525 00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:01,573 Okay, you know? 526 00:23:07,573 --> 00:23:11,031 Garrett, who loves you here more than Stacy? 527 00:23:11,031 --> 00:23:12,865 Nobody. 528 00:23:12,865 --> 00:23:16,032 Stacy, is it your fault Garrett's your cousin? 529 00:23:16,032 --> 00:23:17,573 No. 530 00:23:17,573 --> 00:23:20,183 Is anyone here going to make less fun of these two or 531 00:23:20,183 --> 00:23:22,740 be better friends to them no matter what they do? 532 00:23:22,740 --> 00:23:23,448 No. No. 533 00:23:23,448 --> 00:23:24,156 No. 534 00:23:24,156 --> 00:23:27,698 It's you against the world, and you will not win. 535 00:23:27,698 --> 00:23:30,407 But, you get to make your moves. 536 00:23:30,407 --> 00:23:31,698 Not them. 537 00:23:38,828 --> 00:23:45,366 Stacy, will you be my legally incestuous wife? 538 00:23:45,366 --> 00:23:45,990 Yes. 539 00:23:45,990 --> 00:23:48,865 Everyone stay and eat cake, or go to hell. 540 00:23:56,948 --> 00:23:58,844 This is about me. 541 00:23:58,844 --> 00:24:05,230 I didn't think I could do it, but I did. 542 00:24:05,230 --> 00:24:05,927 Smile. 543 00:24:05,927 --> 00:24:07,088 Smile. 544 00:24:07,088 --> 00:24:08,156 Garrett, look up. 545 00:24:08,156 --> 00:24:10,115 Yay! 546 00:24:10,115 --> 00:24:11,240 Oh. 547 00:24:19,077 --> 00:24:20,823 So much Jenny. 548 00:24:26,073 --> 00:24:28,531 Wow, what an episode of Community. 549 00:24:28,531 --> 00:24:32,550 Hi, I'm Briggs Haddon credited author of this weeks episode. 550 00:24:32,550 --> 00:24:35,820 You might have noticed an emphasis on the topic of incest, 551 00:24:35,820 --> 00:24:37,210 well that's no accident. 552 00:24:37,210 --> 00:24:40,070 For the past two years, when not serving as writer's assistant on 553 00:24:40,070 --> 00:24:42,310 Community, I've been researching incest on the internet. 554 00:24:42,310 --> 00:24:44,410 What I found, surprised me. 555 00:24:44,410 --> 00:24:47,445 Did you know that first cousins can have children without great risk of 556 00:24:47,445 --> 00:24:48,948 birth defect or genetic disease? 557 00:24:48,948 --> 00:24:52,281 That's a quote directly from the New York Times, April 4, 2002. 558 00:24:52,281 --> 00:24:54,269 But despite this scientific fact, 559 00:24:54,269 --> 00:24:57,990 state laws on incest remain inconsistent and woefully outdated. 560 00:24:57,990 --> 00:25:00,679 I mean I, I can make love to my cousin in Nebraska, but if 561 00:25:00,679 --> 00:25:04,365 I take her on a date in South Dakota, I'm looking at 15 years prison time. 562 00:25:04,365 --> 00:25:07,823 I told the Community writers, attention must be paid. 563 00:25:07,823 --> 00:25:10,448 They said they'd allow me to address it on one condition. 564 00:25:10,448 --> 00:25:14,406 At the end of the episode, I must appear and identify myself as a writer. 565 00:25:14,406 --> 00:25:17,063 Look, I'm not trying to tell you how to feel about incest, 566 00:25:17,063 --> 00:25:20,320 I'm just letting you know, there's more to it than you've been told. 567 00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:26,540 I'm Briggs Haddon, and I wrote the Community season six, incest episode. 568 00:25:26,540 --> 00:25:27,656 Good night. 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net