1
00:00:03,920 --> 00:00:08,920
Well, what a lovely looking bunch
you are. What a lovely looking lot.

2
00:00:08,920 --> 00:00:12,320
You'll like this.
I usually like to sleep in the nude.

3
00:00:12,320 --> 00:00:16,120
Which is usually absolutely fine,
apart from on those long flights.

4
00:00:17,440 --> 00:00:19,560
'I went to the doctor the other day,
I said,

5
00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:22,120
'I need something for persistent
wind.

6
00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:23,520
'He gave me a kite.'

7
00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:31,640
I didn't know my father. He was
someone who dropped by on weekends.

8
00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:33,080
Some weekends.

9
00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:36,280
There are literally millions
of people out there better

10
00:00:36,280 --> 00:00:38,080
qualified to write a book about him.

11
00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:41,200
Can't you get me out of it?

12
00:00:41,200 --> 00:00:46,200
I could make some calls, if you're
willing to give back the advance.

13
00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:50,480
Er... No.

14
00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:55,840
Who's this?

15
00:00:55,840 --> 00:01:01,000
That, my love, is Arthur Strong,
your father's old comedy partner.

16
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:03,440
Dad was in a double act?
You see, I didn't even know that.

17
00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:06,480
You just need to research your dad's
life as you would with

18
00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:12,000
anything else. You say you didn't
know him. This man did, for a start.

19
00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:13,800
He might have a story to tell.

20
00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:40,480
BUZZER

21
00:01:40,480 --> 00:01:42,480
GLASS SMASHES

22
00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:53,520
You rang the bell.
I did. Arthur Strong?

23
00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:57,680
I've broken a plate because of you.
Sorry. I'm Michael Baker.

24
00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:00,600
That was dishwasher-safe,
that was.

25
00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:03,440
Sorry about that.
Michael Baker, Max Baker's boy.

26
00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:09,880
Come on in then, I've unplugged it.
Unplugged? There it is. There it is.

27
00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:13,080
It's never worked properly,
the bloody thing.

28
00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:19,160
What is it? What do you mean,
what is it?

29
00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:21,320
Just, what is it?

30
00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:25,000
There is really no other way of
saying it. I don't know what it is.

31
00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:33,480
It's a foot spa. Oh, right. You know,
a spa for your feet.

32
00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:35,360
You know what a spa is, don't you?

33
00:02:35,360 --> 00:02:39,680
It's where you go to relax, and have
towel dressing gowns and a bar.

34
00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:44,520
It's like that,
except your feet go to it.

35
00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:49,240
And there's no bar.

36
00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:53,040
How are you going to fix it if you
don't know what it is?
How does that work?

37
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:57,680
Sorry, I think...
I'm Michael Baker, Max Baker's boy.

38
00:02:57,680 --> 00:03:02,560
Oh, what does he want?
Sent you round to apologise, has he?

39
00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:04,640
Couldn't face me in person?

40
00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:10,840
Just like him, mean-spirited, nasty
little man. No, Arthur, he's dead.

41
00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:14,000
Is he? It wasn't me,
if that's why you've come round.

42
00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:19,760
We got on like a house on fire.
Shouldn't you have a warrant?

43
00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:26,880
I'm Michael, I'm his son.
And they've put you on the case?!

44
00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:34,320
That's rather unorthodox. I'm not
a policeman. I'm just his son.

45
00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:38,080
You're little Michael!
So you remember me? We've met?

46
00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:42,360
We did indeed. Last time I saw you,
you burst into tears and urinated.

47
00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:49,600
Really? I hope you've put that
sort of thing behind you. Yes.

48
00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:52,480
That was the old me.

49
00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:56,360
I'm not clearing all that up, you can
get that straight right now.

50
00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:59,440
No, no. I'm a fully grown man now.

51
00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:02,600
That doesn't make any difference,
you see them going behind Tesco's

52
00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:06,880
when the pubs chuck out. Was in the
papers. I don't really want to...

53
00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:10,080
I don't care what your excuse is,
if you need to go,

54
00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:14,520
you go on the toilet in this
house like everybody else does.

55
00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:17,280
Or in the shower
if you can't get out fast enough.

56
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:28,160
Here. What is this? For the toilet.
I don't need the toilet.

57
00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:29,240
Why would I need these?

58
00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:32,640
Obviously to conceal any
incidental noise one might

59
00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:38,000
make in the execution
of an unexpected bombing mission.

60
00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:44,080
Could I take you out for lunch? I'd
love to talk to you about something.

61
00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:46,400
I tell you what,
I'd love a bit of lunch

62
00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:49,280
and to talk to you about something.

63
00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:52,120
Great. Grab the foot spa.

64
00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:54,920
I'll just put me trousers on!

65
00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:05,920
£2.60, and a tip, yes? For service.
What? The service was good, yes?

66
00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:08,440
Was there a problem with
the service? Not at all.

67
00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:12,160
So there is no change.
This is the tip, the tip is 40p.

68
00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:18,880
Of course. Thank you very much,
goodbye. Goodbye, goodbye.

69
00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:24,320
Actually, I'm an author. I thought
your name was Michael. It is.

70
00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:31,440
I'm an Arthur. Arthur Strong. Oh! No,
no. I'm an author. I'm an Arthur?

71
00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:33,000
What are you talking about?

72
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,640
I've been asked
if I will write a book about my dad.

73
00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:39,640
Biography, memoir,
sort of thing. Oh, what?

74
00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:43,720
What do you want? Good afternoon.

75
00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:46,360
One of your all-day breakfasts,
please.

76
00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:50,520
I don't know why, but number one
seems to be beckoning me today.

77
00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:55,160
Number one, please, with fried bread
and baked beans. So number four?

78
00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:01,120
Yes, you can
do it that way as well. Yes.

79
00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:07,160
Katya, my Polish princess.
Hello, Arthur!

80
00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:11,200
Katya, what have I told you about
wearing eye shadow in my presence?

81
00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:16,080
If you're not careful, I'll end up
chasing you around that table.

82
00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:20,960
I shall let you catch me if you're
not careful. Ho-ho! Oh, dear.

83
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:23,080
Ha-ha-ha.

84
00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:27,480
Then what?

85
00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:33,040
Yes? Nothing for me, thanks.

86
00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:37,960
Just a cup of tea. Two teas. What?

87
00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:41,520
I don't know, I was only going to
have one. Are you having two teas?

88
00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:46,400
What? Do you want two teas?
They must be doing an offer.

89
00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:50,680
Buy one, get one free or something.
Two teas? No. Just one tea.

90
00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:55,360
Sorry.

91
00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:00,160
I have a foot spa.

92
00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:04,920
I tell you what,
I will have two teas.

93
00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:09,600
Go on then, I'll support your new
enterprise. Two teas.

94
00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:16,000
So, you wanted to meet me
because we both have the same name.

95
00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:20,560
We don't have the same name.
My name is Michael.

96
00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:24,680
I'm an au... I'm a writer.
Oh, a writer, eh? Ho-ho-ho!

97
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:27,960
And what books have you Arthured?

98
00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:31,920
Sorry! What books have you Michaeled?

99
00:07:31,920 --> 00:07:34,200
ARTHURED! AUTHORED!

100
00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:36,840
I don't think you've probably
heard of it. Go on, try me.

101
00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:39,160
Well, my best-known work is called

102
00:07:39,160 --> 00:07:42,320
Museums: Their Conscience,
Our Conscience.

103
00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:47,800
The Daily Telegraph
described my attention to

104
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:52,240
detail as bordering on the anal.

105
00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:55,520
Is that a good thing? I chose to take
it as a good thing, yes.

106
00:07:55,520 --> 00:08:00,640
So how come your dad was a funny man,
some might say?

107
00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:04,920
And you went on to write books
about anal museums?

108
00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:09,240
I don't really know.
To be honest, Arthur,

109
00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:12,040
Dad and I never really saw
eye to eye.

110
00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:17,040
A-ha! So you want me to help you put
the boot in. Is that it? Hatchet job.

111
00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:20,360
It mustn't be a hatchet job,
I just want the truth.

112
00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:22,040
That's why it's important
for me to fill

113
00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:24,480
the gaps about the years that
you worked together.

114
00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:26,400
Not looking to settle any scores.

115
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:30,080
Working with your father was a bloody
nightmare from beginning to end.

116
00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:31,120
Ha-ha! Great.

117
00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:37,920
All right, John? Have you heard about
the teas offer? What teas offer?

118
00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:43,080
Bulent's doing a special offer, two
teas for the price of one. Is he?

119
00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:46,520
That's what he told me.
I'm having two.

120
00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:50,240
All right? Can I have two teas?
Two teas.

121
00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:54,600
There's a service for friends and
family tomorrow, if you're about.

122
00:08:54,600 --> 00:09:01,400
Tomorrow? That is very inconvenient.
Are you sure? Quite sure.

123
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:03,960
I shall have to move some
things around.

124
00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:08,160
Eggy! Eggy! You owe me a pound.

125
00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:12,080
You owe me a pound.

126
00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:16,600
I owe you a pound,
don't I, Arthur? Yes, you do.

127
00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:18,680
Don't you try and wriggle out of it.

128
00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:21,080
GLASS SMASHES

129
00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:22,600
THEY CHEER

130
00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:31,320
Arthur, are you going to Kempton
tomorrow? Are you going to Kempton?

131
00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:34,200
You, when is Max's party? Tomorrow.

132
00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:37,840
It's not a party, it's more of a
remembrance thing because he's dead.

133
00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:42,520
That is very inconvenient. I was
looking forward to going to Kempton.

134
00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:44,040
You've only just heard about it.

135
00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:47,000
You can look forward to things
you've only just heard about.

136
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:48,360
Like if you turn on the telly,

137
00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:51,120
and they say the Hairy Bikers
is just finishing.

138
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:59,080
No, no, no. I won't be coming.
Two teas. Thank you very much.

139
00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:01,120
Although, thinking about it, Bulent,

140
00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:05,680
they shouldn't both come at the same
time. One of them will go cold.

141
00:10:05,680 --> 00:10:09,000
How else would I bring them?
I don't know. Why are you asking me?

142
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:13,520
It is your initiative, isn't it?
How do people normally have them?

143
00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:16,320
Every day, this. Every day.

144
00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:19,720
The special offer! What special
offer? There is no special offer.

145
00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:20,960
I think that's my tea.

146
00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:22,240
Do you know, it strikes me

147
00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:25,880
you've begun this enterprise
in a very cavalier fashion.

148
00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:29,960
It's a right shambles. Just leave it.
I will have them both at once.

149
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:34,760
I'm getting a little bit fed up
with this now. Every day.

150
00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:50,400
He's not thought that through,
has he? I think that's my tea.

151
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,680
Oh! Sorry.

152
00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:59,000
These napkins are useless. Look at
them. He's a tight sod, Bulent.

153
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:03,840
There are barely big enough
to wipe your bottom on.

154
00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:06,720
It's a heck of a job.

155
00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:15,200
I tell you what,
you should come back to mine after.

156
00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:17,680
I've got some old photos
from those days.

157
00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:21,120
I expect you will
want to see my Memory Man act.

158
00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:23,560
I do this thing where
I remember things.

159
00:11:23,560 --> 00:11:26,640
I've got an extraordinary memory.

160
00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:32,920
Birthdays, anniversaries,
Christmases. You name it.

161
00:11:32,920 --> 00:11:35,520
I can remember it.
There you go, Arthur.

162
00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:38,320
£1. What's that for?

163
00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:44,240
He's actually kind of amazing.

164
00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:46,400
You're right,
he's just what the book needs.

165
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:49,440
Get through all this crap about Dad,
get to the truth.

166
00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:52,200
Do be careful it doesn't
turn into a hatchet job.

167
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:53,800
Why does everybody say that?

168
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:56,320
And you've invited him
to the remembrance service?

169
00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:59,320
He sounds like the kind of person
who might ruin it.

170
00:11:59,320 --> 00:12:03,720
Really? That thought hadn't
occurred to me at all.

171
00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:12,480
At the same time? What the flip?

172
00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:14,400
You asked for two teas,
I bring them.

173
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:18,480
I didn't know
they'd come at the same time.

174
00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:21,720
That's what I said to him.
He's not thought that through.

175
00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:24,680
What's the point of two teas
at the same time?

176
00:12:24,680 --> 00:12:27,880
I don't know. Don't ask me.
Don't interrogate me.

177
00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:32,000
I'm the one that is trying to make
some sense of the whole affair.

178
00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:38,040
What have you got here? A foot spa.
Top of the range. Are you interested?

179
00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:41,960
What are you asking?
£11 to a friend.

180
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:44,320
I tell you something,
it's like you're walking on air

181
00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:45,800
when your feet come out of that.

182
00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:49,600
There is a lot of nonsense
talked about water and electricity

183
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:53,680
and plastic not going together.
I'd like to try it first.

184
00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:56,760
Slip your shoes and socks off.
Here, where's a socket?

185
00:12:56,760 --> 00:13:00,240
Don't tell Bulent, he'll try
and charge us for the electric.

186
00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:03,160
Tight sod. I'll get some water
for it.

187
00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:07,080
I'm feeling really positive,
actually. Things are looking up.

188
00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:12,440
Oh, it's you. Don't need to get up, I
just want the sink for the foot spa.

189
00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:15,960
You finish.

190
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:18,760
Might be getting shot of the bloody
thing at last.

191
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,120
Things are looking up.

192
00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:37,400
You all right?

193
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:40,520
Yes, sorry, you don't...
It's none of my business,

194
00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:43,720
but you don't need
the apostrophe in chips.

195
00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:46,640
What? There's an apostrophe
in chips, and you don't need it.

196
00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:51,160
It's plural. Oh, well, that's
my brother's department. BULENT!

197
00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:52,360
Oh, God, no! Please don't.

198
00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:55,680
You should say something,
he'd appreciate it. Really?

199
00:13:55,680 --> 00:13:59,680
Yes, he'd want to get it right.
He'll thank you.

200
00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:05,160
What? You got the sign wrong.
Well, not wrong, just... Hi.

201
00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:11,040
It's just chips here has an
apostrophe, and you don't need it.

202
00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:15,760
It's a plural so you don't need it.
That's all. It's not a big thing.

203
00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:21,560
Oh, I see. So there is no need
for this thing before the S? No.

204
00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:30,480
Oh, thank you so much! I am
so embarrassed. You shouldn't be.

205
00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:33,720
All too common mistake.
No, I am really embarrassed.

206
00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:37,600
In fact,
why don't you run the cafe? Sorry?

207
00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:39,720
Here. Take this.

208
00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:42,920
Now you can write the sign
and do the cleaning and cooking

209
00:14:42,920 --> 00:14:46,760
and dealing with all the things
I have to deal with every

210
00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:50,800
day of my miserable life in this
place where there ain't no sun!

211
00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:53,240
I don't want to run a cafe.

212
00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:57,320
I have an announcement. This man is
the new owner of the cafe.

213
00:14:57,320 --> 00:14:59,480
What's your name?
It's Michael. Michael.

214
00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:01,320
Everyone, say hello to Michael.

215
00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:02,920
ALL: Hello, Michael.

216
00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:06,440
Can I have a number four,
please, Michael? No eggs.

217
00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:08,920
That's a number three!

218
00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:13,400
I'm not the new owner. It's just
plurals don't need apostrophes.

219
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:15,920
What's that smell?

220
00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:18,720
Do you smell that? What is that?

221
00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:21,880
FOOT SPA BUBBLES

222
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:25,000
I can feel a tingling sensation.

223
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:28,480
See? It's like having your feet
in an angel.

224
00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:30,160
What is this?!

225
00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:32,560
I'll be with you in a moment, Bulent.

226
00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:35,520
We are conducting
a business transaction.

227
00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:37,360
Get me another two teas.

228
00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:39,640
Sorry, John. Make that four teas.

229
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:47,000
METAL CLANGING

230
00:15:57,680 --> 00:15:59,440
CLANGING STOPS

231
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:03,480
SINGLE LOUD CLANG

232
00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:06,120
TOILET FLUSHES

233
00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:11,280
I'll leave all this here
if you need it.

234
00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:13,720
Thank you.

235
00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:16,040
I can't believe you have
this publicity shot.

236
00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:19,040
Oh, you know that one, then?
I certainly do.

237
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:22,440
He gave it to me
for my 13th birthday.

238
00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:26,200
Signed like this and everything.
Didn't even put my name on it.

239
00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:30,080
I'd forgotten about that, actually.
It's a good one for the book.

240
00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:31,480
You ready, then?

241
00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:38,600
Well, that depends.

242
00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:42,720
What's going to happen?

243
00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:44,080
My Memory Man act.

244
00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:48,200
Oh, right. Yes. It's just...
This is why we broke up.

245
00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:51,720
I wanted to take the act
in an exciting new direction

246
00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:53,720
and your father wasn't having it.

247
00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:57,000
Hang on, the light's not right.
Switch that one off there, will you?

248
00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:10,520
Welcome, stranger. I am
Count Arthur Strong, the Memory Man.

249
00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:19,720
And I can remember things that other
people have...real difficulty with.

250
00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:26,680
My brain is an extraordinary,
um...organ, isn't it?

251
00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:30,280
I'm sure you'll agree
you'll have never seen, um,

252
00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:33,600
an organ like the one I've got.

253
00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:38,600
Many scholars have tested
and prodded it,

254
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:43,280
trying to find out
just what is going on with me.

255
00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:48,880
I simply am an amazing...

256
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:51,520
organ.

257
00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:56,400
How are such feats of memory
possible? Is he human?

258
00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:58,640
Now, you, um...

259
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:01,360
Michael?

260
00:18:01,360 --> 00:18:03,880
Michael. I know!

261
00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:10,400
Now, you, Michael, get to be
as confused and disoriented

262
00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:13,040
as those selfsame scholars.

263
00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:16,200
I have here a pen
and a piece of paper.

264
00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:19,120
I want you to write down
on that piece of paper

265
00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:25,840
99 single-digit numbers of your
own choice in a random proportion.

266
00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:28,640
99? No more, no less.

267
00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:31,840
That's going to take forever. Better
get on with it then, hadn't you?

268
00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:33,920
I'm not sure this act
would particularly work.

269
00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:36,680
People would be sitting in silence
for ages. Oh, shut up, Max.

270
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:39,400
Michael. Well, start acting
like a Michael, then,

271
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:41,880
and a little bit less
like a clever dick.

272
00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:49,520
Right, that's 99, I think.

273
00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:52,240
ARTHUR SNORES

274
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:54,160
Arthur?

275
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:56,960
Arthur! Wha...? Oh, it's mine.

276
00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:08,760
In a moment, I will ask you
to turn the paper round

277
00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:12,960
so that I can commit
all 99 numbers to memory

278
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:17,240
in the arbitrary sequence what
you have written them down in.

279
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:23,720
I will then reiterate to you
your numerical string.

280
00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:28,520
Now, reveal to me
the number conundrum.

281
00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:36,880
Oh. Oh, dear. Hang on a second.

282
00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:43,000
That's better.
Bloody pitch black it was until then.

283
00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:44,920
How am I supposed to...

284
00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:51,360
This bloody thing, isn't it? Eh?

285
00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:53,240
GLASS BREAKS, WATER SPLASHES

286
00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:55,480
Oh, no!

287
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:03,360
It's all right. I've had him
out for ten minutes before.

288
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:08,000
Arthur, please come tomorrow.

289
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:09,880
No, no, I've got Kempton.

290
00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:12,440
You'd be able to
maybe say a few things.

291
00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:14,880
Eh? There'll be
quite a few people there.

292
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:18,160
What, more than, like, six?
A proper audience?

293
00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:19,720
Proper audience.

294
00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:22,760
You'd be able to share
all your thoughts about Dad,

295
00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:26,280
really give it to him.
A proper send-off, that is.

296
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:28,080
I'll think about it.

297
00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:30,200
Now shut up while I do this.

298
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:32,720
Ahem-hem-hem.

299
00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:36,120
Eight, seven, six, four, three,
two, seven, five, five, seven, one,

300
00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:39,960
five, five, seven, oh, seven,
four, zero...

301
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:41,600
TALKS GIBBERISH

302
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:48,280
Ooh!

303
00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:52,920
Oo-oo-ooh!

304
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:58,480
The numbers you selected were,
in chronological order,

305
00:20:58,480 --> 00:21:00,800
were two... No.

306
00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:04,760
What? The first one's not two.

307
00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:06,480
Is it nine? No.

308
00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:09,000
One? No.

309
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:10,960
Is it seven? No.

310
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:14,600
You can't have numbers like 11
and 12, if that's what you're doing.

311
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:16,800
They're all single digits,
like you said.

312
00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:18,000
Eight. No.

313
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,080
Four. No. Shall I tell you?

314
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:22,960
No! Some Memory Man act that would be

315
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:25,800
if you just told me
what you'd bloody well written down.

316
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:30,680
There's a skill to this, you know.
It's not as easy as I make it look.

317
00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:32,560
What numbers haven't I said yet?

318
00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:35,280
THREE, five, six and zero.

319
00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:37,560
Zero. No.

320
00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:39,960
Six. No. What were the other ones?

321
00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:42,360
THREE...and five.

322
00:21:42,360 --> 00:21:44,480
Five! No!

323
00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:47,200
Three! Correct! Hurray!

324
00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:48,720
That's some act!

325
00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:51,800
Oh, it's not over yet. Next number.

326
00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:56,880
Is it three again? No! Oh...

327
00:21:56,880 --> 00:21:58,680
Dad hated this, right? Yes.

328
00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:02,240
Well, he won't be there tomorrow.

329
00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:04,400
All right, I'll come with you. Great.

330
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:06,440
Eight! No. Oh.

331
00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:11,600
But who was Max Baker really?

332
00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:16,080
We all knew he was a funny man
and life and soul of the party,

333
00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:20,680
but no matter how busy he was,
he always had time for his family.

334
00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:24,120
We all had great respect
for him for his comedy

335
00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:27,480
and he could steal a joke
as well as anybody I knew.

336
00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:28,760
LAUGHTER

337
00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:33,480
And if there is a heaven,
I believe Max is there at the bar

338
00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:36,520
waiting for somebody
to get a round in.

339
00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:38,120
Thank you.

340
00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:43,200
The bloody thing will be over
by the time we get in here.

341
00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:47,080
But Arthur, I cannot eat solids.

342
00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:49,920
Maybe there's soup. Excellent,
excellent! Ah, everyone's here.

343
00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:52,080
You know Katya, John, Eggy. Hey up.

344
00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:54,400
Do you have soup? Soup? No.

345
00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:56,800
What kind of memorial
doesn't have soup?

346
00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:59,840
I would say every memorial
doesn't have soup.

347
00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:01,720
But I cannot eat solids.

348
00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:06,360
Well, have a sandwich. Chew it until
it's liquid, and then swallow it.

349
00:23:06,360 --> 00:23:09,280
Make your own soup in your mouth.

350
00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:12,000
Arthur, you are OK to say a
few words still, aren't you?

351
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:14,080
What, about Max? You bet your life.

352
00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:17,080
Great. Great. Bring it on. Come on.

353
00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:22,480
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is exciting,

354
00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:26,720
a bit of a change to the programme.
Max's former comedy partner,

355
00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:29,720
a man I haven't seen for
over a quarter of a century,

356
00:23:29,720 --> 00:23:32,280
ladies and gentlemen,
Count Arthur Strong!

357
00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:41,400
Thank you. Thank you for
that warm welcome. I really do.

358
00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:48,400
So, what can I tell you
about the late Max Baker?

359
00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:53,680
Well, I for one...

360
00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:56,640
uh, will miss him dreadfully.

361
00:23:56,640 --> 00:24:00,560
He was a lovely man,
always a kind word for everyone.

362
00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:03,240
That's what I remember about him.

363
00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:08,320
The life and soul of the party,
but also a real family man.

364
00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:12,080
Oh, and here, this picture.
I was there when he got those shots.

365
00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:15,840
I thought there was something funny
because I wasn't in any of them.

366
00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:18,960
Do you know, he was so excited
when they got those photographs,

367
00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:22,360
I'll never forget it.
He came to the dressing room.

368
00:24:22,360 --> 00:24:26,080
He took the top one out,
signed it, put it to one side

369
00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:28,760
and said,
"That's for little Michael."

370
00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:30,040
CROWD: Aw!

371
00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:32,560
But enough of me. Anyway,

372
00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:35,880
let's hear from the little man
himself, Max's pride and joy,

373
00:24:35,880 --> 00:24:39,720
my new best friend, Michael Baker.

374
00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:42,040
APPLAUSE

375
00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:50,720
Uh, thank you, Arthur.
Thank you, Barry.

376
00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:52,240
What to, uh...

377
00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:57,720
What to, what to say about my, uh...

378
00:25:00,360 --> 00:25:02,160
HIS VOICE CRACKS
..about my dad?

379
00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:05,600
Sorry...

380
00:25:12,280 --> 00:25:14,040
Sorry.

381
00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:15,680
HE SOBS

382
00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:22,200
Have you got a handkerchief
or something, please?

383
00:25:28,480 --> 00:25:30,320
Sorry, ladies and gentlemen.

384
00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:34,000
HE BLOWS HIS NOSE LOUDLY

385
00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:37,080
Eugh! Urgh!

386
00:25:41,320 --> 00:25:43,440
Haven't you got anything bigger?

387
00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:47,800
Ah, no, no!

388
00:25:47,800 --> 00:25:49,760
DISGUSTED MURMURINGS

389
00:25:58,760 --> 00:26:02,520
It really is just going through,
Arthur. It's just going through.

390
00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:06,680
LOUD HONKING

391
00:26:08,880 --> 00:26:13,240
HE WAILS
This is embarrassing!

392
00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:17,920
Arthur, it's like
sneezing into a Battenberg!

393
00:26:21,040 --> 00:26:23,760
I feel like The Exorcist!

394
00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:29,600
Oh, what a lovely speech.

395
00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:32,000
Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Baker.

396
00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:39,480
And now, in a change to
the scheduled running order,

397
00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:44,240
journey with me
to the mystic world of memory

398
00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:46,680
as I, Count Arthur Strong...

399
00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:48,680
CROCKERY SHATTERS

400
00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:50,160
SHE CHOKES

401
00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:52,400
Katya!

402
00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:55,640
What do I do?
Give her the Heimlichan manoeuvre!

403
00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:57,280
What is that? How do you do it?

404
00:26:57,280 --> 00:27:01,400
You sort of punch her in the stomach
from behind, in a nice way.

405
00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:05,520
Katya, this is Michael
doing this to you,

406
00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:07,280
should you wish to press charges.

407
00:27:07,280 --> 00:27:09,720
FABRIC TEARS

408
00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:10,760
Oh, God!

409
00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:13,400
What do I do now?

410
00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:16,480
Don't put her down! What do I do?

411
00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:19,720
SIREN WAILS

412
00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:21,840
KATYA GROANS

413
00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:25,440
Could someone rub my foot?

414
00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:41,520
Why didn't you tell me that? What?

415
00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:43,400
About my dad? About the photo?

416
00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:46,160
Oh, yes,
he never stopped talking about you.

417
00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:48,200
It was Michael this, Michael that.

418
00:27:48,200 --> 00:27:52,240
You know, he always had your picture
on his dressing room mirror.

419
00:27:52,240 --> 00:27:55,240
He would tap it for luck
before he went on stage.

420
00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:56,600
Why didn't you tell me?

421
00:27:59,520 --> 00:28:01,040
Can't remember everything.

422
00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:31,000
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

423
00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:36,920
HE LAUGHS

424
00:28:43,120 --> 00:28:45,480
ELECTRICITY BUZZES

425
00:28:46,760 --> 00:28:49,000
Aaargh!