1
00:00:17,144 --> 00:00:19,984
This is somebody else,
this is obviously not you.

2
00:00:20,122 --> 00:00:24,920
No, no, no, I've had all
this before. Dear, oh, dear!

3
00:00:24,922 --> 00:00:28,160
I do not claim that that is me.

4
00:00:28,162 --> 00:00:32,560
That photograph is merely there
to show you what a relaxed

5
00:00:32,562 --> 00:00:34,720
human male MIGHT look like.

6
00:00:34,722 --> 00:00:37,720
When I picked up this card in
the newsagents, I thought...

7
00:00:37,722 --> 00:00:42,640
Let me stop you there.
Look, I'm no Tom Daley, I admit it.

8
00:00:42,642 --> 00:00:45,800
No, no, no, that's very kind of you,
but I'm not,

9
00:00:45,802 --> 00:00:47,600
I don't care what you say.

10
00:00:47,602 --> 00:00:51,800
Look, what I bring to the table
is a body that has lived.

11
00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:55,920
My body has been there, done it,
got the T-shirt.

12
00:00:55,922 --> 00:00:59,680
So, the choice is yours, you can
either take the easy route, or

13
00:00:59,682 --> 00:01:04,840
you can accept the unique challenge
that a body like mine might set you.

14
00:01:04,842 --> 00:01:10,080
It is entirely up to you. I think
we'd rather... That's settled, then.

15
00:01:10,082 --> 00:01:12,522
I'll hang this up here, shall I?

16
00:01:21,522 --> 00:01:25,520
How do you want me, then -
socks on or socks off?

17
00:01:25,522 --> 00:01:29,042
I tell you what, I'll leave them on
till the heating's kicked in.

18
00:01:34,842 --> 00:01:38,080
Ooh, I should just mention,
fluctuations in temperature

19
00:01:38,082 --> 00:01:41,240
may change some aspects
of my physicality.

20
00:01:41,242 --> 00:01:44,200
So, you might want to make
allowances for that in any

21
00:01:44,202 --> 00:01:49,840
sizing-up you do. Just be a bit more
generous than you usually would.

22
00:01:49,842 --> 00:01:53,920
Is this all right?
Or, I can do a Christine Keeler.

23
00:01:53,922 --> 00:01:57,520
Oh, don't use that chair!
What? Oh, right.

24
00:01:57,522 --> 00:02:01,922
Oh, don't worry about me. A little
bit of a breeze never hurt anyone.

25
00:02:05,762 --> 00:02:07,760
Where's she off to? The canteen?

26
00:02:07,762 --> 00:02:10,522
Ooh, do you know, I could murder
a sausage roll meself.

27
00:02:15,402 --> 00:02:17,920
Ah, morning, Arthur. You're in late.

28
00:02:17,922 --> 00:02:20,760
Have to say, you missed a right
old ding-dong earlier. Oh, yeah?

29
00:02:20,762 --> 00:02:23,160
John came in
and he didn't have the right change

30
00:02:23,162 --> 00:02:25,640
and Bulent got very frustrated
and John said...

31
00:02:25,642 --> 00:02:27,640
Oh, it was something really funny...

32
00:02:27,642 --> 00:02:30,200
John, what was it again you said
to Bulent earlier? Sorry?

33
00:02:30,202 --> 00:02:35,600
You said something earlier to Bulent,
it was really funny. Did I? Yes!

34
00:02:35,602 --> 00:02:39,162
You know, um...

35
00:02:40,442 --> 00:02:42,920
I'm sorry I missed that!

36
00:02:42,922 --> 00:02:45,080
How much longer is he going
to be here?

37
00:02:45,082 --> 00:02:47,680
Who is he? Me old
comedy partner's son.

38
00:02:47,682 --> 00:02:52,560
He's writing a book about his
bloody dad. He's called Martin.

39
00:02:52,562 --> 00:02:56,040
Michael. I can hear this whole
conversation! Can you?

40
00:02:56,042 --> 00:02:59,400
Oh, I knew that, I was just having
a bit of fun with you.

41
00:02:59,402 --> 00:03:04,282
Oh, right, ha-ha, nicely done!
Oh, I love all this.

42
00:03:05,562 --> 00:03:08,720
Oh, Arthur, where did you and Dad do
your National Service again?

43
00:03:08,722 --> 00:03:11,560
Aden. And it was bloody hot.

44
00:03:11,562 --> 00:03:14,080
It was that hot,
you could fry an egg on a tank.

45
00:03:14,082 --> 00:03:18,280
Although it, erm, wouldn't...
taste very nice.

46
00:03:18,282 --> 00:03:22,000
Not the same can be said about
my good friend Bulent's eggs!

47
00:03:22,002 --> 00:03:25,400
I don't mean YOUR eggs, in that way.

48
00:03:25,402 --> 00:03:29,280
I'm not inferring that
you produced them from your body.

49
00:03:29,282 --> 00:03:32,840
Mind you, people would pay
good money to see that.

50
00:03:32,842 --> 00:03:35,240
You might want to give that
some thought.

51
00:03:35,242 --> 00:03:39,160
I-I couldn't eat one,
though. Oh, no, no, no!

52
00:03:39,162 --> 00:03:42,522
I couldn't eat a human egg!

53
00:03:45,442 --> 00:03:47,280
I'm surprised at you!

54
00:03:47,282 --> 00:03:51,162
Yes? I-I'm not very hungry.

55
00:03:52,602 --> 00:03:54,320
Can I have a number four, please?

56
00:03:54,322 --> 00:03:56,000
Oh, you don't want
a number four, mate.

57
00:03:56,002 --> 00:03:59,400
You want to get a number two,
with some lovely sausages.

58
00:03:59,402 --> 00:04:01,320
That IS a number four.
You want a number four.

59
00:04:01,322 --> 00:04:03,920
Don't listen to him, talk to him,
or take any advice from him.

60
00:04:03,922 --> 00:04:05,520
You, are you going to eat something?

61
00:04:05,522 --> 00:04:07,640
I-I've already eaten.

62
00:04:07,642 --> 00:04:09,480
I-I'll have a cup of tea, please.

63
00:04:09,482 --> 00:04:13,960
Good morning, Katya,
my perfumed garden!

64
00:04:13,962 --> 00:04:15,760
Good morning, Arthur!

65
00:04:15,762 --> 00:04:22,440
I found out what he does. Our
mystery man. Oh, yeah? Who is he?

66
00:04:22,442 --> 00:04:27,320
He's a restaurant critic. He's doing
a big thing on local cafes.

67
00:04:27,322 --> 00:04:31,482
What? Yeah. Big write-up on
all the cafes in the area.

68
00:04:32,882 --> 00:04:35,762
Sinem! Si...

69
00:04:41,402 --> 00:04:46,360
Sorry, have I done something
to upset Bulent?

70
00:04:46,362 --> 00:04:51,200
Erm... It's the way you're sitting.

71
00:04:51,202 --> 00:04:54,080
In Turkey, it's sort of...

72
00:04:54,082 --> 00:04:58,200
overfamiliar to sit facing the cook.
Oh, is it?

73
00:04:58,202 --> 00:05:01,840
Well, if you don't know him very
well. Oh! Why didn't somebody...

74
00:05:01,842 --> 00:05:04,200
He should have said!
It is pretty widely known.

75
00:05:04,202 --> 00:05:07,880
I really didn't know, I'm so sorry!
I did wonder.

76
00:05:07,882 --> 00:05:11,520
It seemed a bit insensitive of you.
I promise, I didn't know.

77
00:05:11,522 --> 00:05:15,602
I'm not one of those... I'm not a...
No, I'm a nice man, I promise.

78
00:05:23,402 --> 00:05:28,122
Here, Martin... Michael! What would
you pay for a work of art like that?

79
00:05:29,122 --> 00:05:31,360
What am I looking at? It's me.

80
00:05:31,362 --> 00:05:34,160
There's my head and there's
my socks. And what's that...

81
00:05:34,162 --> 00:05:36,840
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, no!

82
00:05:36,842 --> 00:05:40,960
Good, isn't it? Do you want to
buy it? I'll pay you to burn it.

83
00:05:40,962 --> 00:05:45,040
Here, John! Take a look at this.

84
00:05:45,042 --> 00:05:47,282
Oh, God, it's still in my eyes!

85
00:05:48,962 --> 00:05:55,960
What ARE you doing here?
What? Oh. Er... I like it here.

86
00:05:55,962 --> 00:05:57,680
I'm getting so much done.

87
00:05:57,682 --> 00:06:00,640
And Arthur's being brilliant,
he's like Google.

88
00:06:00,642 --> 00:06:03,640
But a Google that has
lots of information about my dad.

89
00:06:03,642 --> 00:06:07,040
There's surprisingly little about my
dad's early years on the internet.

90
00:06:07,042 --> 00:06:10,160
And what's Arthur getting out of it?
Sorry?

91
00:06:10,162 --> 00:06:12,202
You going to give him
royalties or something?

92
00:06:14,522 --> 00:06:19,440
No. You see what
he has to do to get by.

93
00:06:19,442 --> 00:06:23,320
I guess I thought it would be nice
if you could pay him back

94
00:06:23,322 --> 00:06:25,122
for all the help he's given you.

95
00:06:28,042 --> 00:06:31,280
Hello, Sinem. What are you up to?

96
00:06:31,282 --> 00:06:35,042
Oh, you know,
just keeping myself amused. Oh.

97
00:06:37,082 --> 00:06:40,680
You didn't have to come,
I can do this myself. You sure?

98
00:06:40,682 --> 00:06:44,360
It's not a problem.
Just leave me alone. Oh, sorry.

99
00:06:44,362 --> 00:06:46,122
I need to get a paper, anyway.

100
00:06:50,642 --> 00:06:53,800
Excuse me, do you know if there are
any Guardians left?

101
00:06:53,802 --> 00:06:55,402
I don't work here, mate.

102
00:06:57,882 --> 00:07:00,560
No, no, I didn't think you did.
I just, erm...

103
00:07:00,562 --> 00:07:04,200
I thought you... might...
read it, too. And...

104
00:07:04,202 --> 00:07:06,000
Do you know
if there are any Guardians?

105
00:07:06,002 --> 00:07:10,160
No, there don't seem to be. Anyway,
it's been very nice talking to you.

106
00:07:10,162 --> 00:07:12,082
And... nice to meet you.

107
00:07:14,162 --> 00:07:15,882
Goodbye. God bless you.

108
00:07:19,362 --> 00:07:21,760
I have to go. We have to go!

109
00:07:21,762 --> 00:07:23,800
I've got to get me cards,
they've gone yellow!

110
00:07:23,802 --> 00:07:27,160
How many of these do you have
up here? Are these all you?

111
00:07:27,162 --> 00:07:32,160
These are all you! They are.
This shop window is my...

112
00:07:32,162 --> 00:07:33,520
shop window.

113
00:07:33,522 --> 00:07:36,760
French polishing? German lessons?

114
00:07:36,762 --> 00:07:38,800
You can't speak German, can you?

115
00:07:38,802 --> 00:07:41,440
Ah, I do not claim
to be able to speak German.

116
00:07:41,442 --> 00:07:44,440
I just talk about Germany for a bit.

117
00:07:44,442 --> 00:07:48,842
Anyway. Can we please just go? All
right, all right, keep your hair on!

118
00:07:51,202 --> 00:07:56,800
Oh, sorry, I thought, um... From...
God! Do you want to... Oh, sorry.

119
00:07:56,802 --> 00:08:00,442
There we go, sorry,
very nice to meet you, goodbye.

120
00:08:01,962 --> 00:08:04,162
For God's sake,
get a grip on yourself!

121
00:08:07,002 --> 00:08:11,600
God, that was awful! What was?
He thinks that I think that...

122
00:08:11,602 --> 00:08:15,800
I DON'T think that. You don't think
what? Whatever are you on about?

123
00:08:15,802 --> 00:08:17,642
He doesn't think I'm a nice man.

124
00:08:19,642 --> 00:08:22,200
He doesn't think I'm a nice man!

125
00:08:22,202 --> 00:08:24,160
What does that matter to you?

126
00:08:24,162 --> 00:08:27,640
I can't have that, I can't have
people thinking I'm not a nice man.

127
00:08:27,642 --> 00:08:29,440
But I am a nice man!

128
00:08:29,442 --> 00:08:33,800
Well, if it means anything, I think
you are a very nice man, Martin.

129
00:08:33,802 --> 00:08:37,320
It's Michael! Here, hold those.

130
00:08:37,322 --> 00:08:41,882
Horse rising lesions?
What are horse rising lesions? What?

131
00:08:42,962 --> 00:08:46,322
Well, it's when you get
a horse and you...

132
00:08:48,322 --> 00:08:49,562
Give that to me.

133
00:08:51,362 --> 00:08:53,400
Handwriting lessons!

134
00:08:53,402 --> 00:08:55,802
Dear, oh, dear!

135
00:08:56,922 --> 00:09:02,320
My two favourite customers! Please,
please, come, come, sit! Please.

136
00:09:02,322 --> 00:09:07,760
Please. My friend, yeah,
very nice, please. Sit down.

137
00:09:07,762 --> 00:09:11,840
A word about the menu, look out
for the sausages, which have a touch

138
00:09:11,842 --> 00:09:15,440
of fennel, I think a very nice
effect, and the baked beans, which

139
00:09:15,442 --> 00:09:18,640
have been sprinkled with cinnamon
and sweetened with apple juice. Oh!

140
00:09:18,642 --> 00:09:22,042
I like the sound of that,
yes, please. I'll have toast.

141
00:09:25,282 --> 00:09:29,600
Why would anyone want to touch
a sausage with a flannel?

142
00:09:29,602 --> 00:09:33,160
No, there's a touch of fennel
in the sausages. That's what I said!

143
00:09:33,162 --> 00:09:35,520
They must have been on the floor.

144
00:09:35,522 --> 00:09:37,400
Are you all right?

145
00:09:37,402 --> 00:09:40,200
Yeah. Don't know why,
but my cheeks are really hurting.

146
00:09:40,202 --> 00:09:43,362
So, it's all right if I sit this way
now? Oh, I don't know.

147
00:09:44,482 --> 00:09:48,400
It is a Tuesday. Oh, yes, God,
sorry! Of course, yeah.

148
00:09:48,402 --> 00:09:51,040
Arthur, we need to swap. What?
Quickly, quickly!

149
00:09:51,042 --> 00:09:53,202
What is the matter with you today?

150
00:09:55,002 --> 00:09:56,920
Ripper tours?

151
00:09:56,922 --> 00:10:01,562
You do Jack the Ripper tours? Yes.
I have a mate with an ice cream van.

152
00:10:06,042 --> 00:10:09,842
So...? I do Jack the Ripper tours
from the van.

153
00:10:12,482 --> 00:10:16,880
Why? Well, these Jack the Ripper tour
guides, they make a mint, that lot.

154
00:10:16,882 --> 00:10:20,800
But if you so much as go near their
patch, they're all over you.

155
00:10:20,802 --> 00:10:24,680
So, what you do is, you drive
around Balham, looking for tourists,

156
00:10:24,682 --> 00:10:27,000
and when you find a few,
you jump out and give them

157
00:10:27,002 --> 00:10:31,200
an instructional and educational
Jack the Ripper tour.

158
00:10:31,202 --> 00:10:34,040
Why Balham? It's where they did
all the murders.

159
00:10:34,042 --> 00:10:37,160
No, that was Whitechapel. Was it?

160
00:10:37,162 --> 00:10:40,880
Oh, wherever it was. But why do you
do it from an ice cream van?

161
00:10:40,882 --> 00:10:43,720
I still don't get that bit.
Well, that's the really clever part.

162
00:10:43,722 --> 00:10:45,040
Two reasons.

163
00:10:45,042 --> 00:10:49,120
Reason one, what do people do
when they hear an ice cream van?

164
00:10:49,122 --> 00:10:51,640
They run out, don't they?
If they're 10.

165
00:10:51,642 --> 00:10:55,400
Well, when they run out,
they see it's a Ripper tour

166
00:10:55,402 --> 00:10:59,082
and they have that,
instead of a cone.

167
00:11:01,402 --> 00:11:04,880
That's almost not an idea! Why not?

168
00:11:04,882 --> 00:11:08,762
Do you sell ice creams as well?
No, no, no, that would be confusing.

169
00:11:10,242 --> 00:11:12,920
People go up to an ice cream van
for ice cream.

170
00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:15,960
If they go up to an ice cream van
and instead of getting an ice cream,

171
00:11:15,962 --> 00:11:20,080
they get quite badly misinformed
about Jack the Ripper, I don't

172
00:11:20,082 --> 00:11:23,200
think people will pay
for that service.

173
00:11:23,202 --> 00:11:26,800
No part of this idea works.

174
00:11:26,802 --> 00:11:30,280
I don't understand which part
you think works.

175
00:11:30,282 --> 00:11:34,000
The other thing is, you need
a driver, in case one of the real

176
00:11:34,002 --> 00:11:37,440
Ripper guides comes back and you
have to make a quick getaway.

177
00:11:37,442 --> 00:11:41,560
Ooh, they can be terribly aggressive
people, Jack the Ripper tour guides.

178
00:11:41,562 --> 00:11:45,000
Nobody's making
a getaway in an ice cream van,
they only do about 10 miles an hour.

179
00:11:45,002 --> 00:11:47,760
No, no. They're normal vans. What?

180
00:11:47,762 --> 00:11:49,840
You never see them
going at any kind of speed.

181
00:11:49,842 --> 00:11:53,800
They've got to be careful of the
kids, that's why they always
go slow. They're normal vans.

182
00:11:53,802 --> 00:11:56,080
Well, even if that's true,
you've got a freezer

183
00:11:56,082 --> 00:11:59,760
and a Whippy machine on there,
don't see that doing above 30.

184
00:11:59,762 --> 00:12:02,240
It's connected to the music. Sorry?

185
00:12:02,242 --> 00:12:05,840
The faster the music, the faster
the van goes. He's right, you know.

186
00:12:05,842 --> 00:12:09,882
If you ever hear one playing Flight
of the Bumblebee, run for your life!

187
00:12:10,882 --> 00:12:15,640
Ohhh! There's something wrong
with the beans!

188
00:12:15,642 --> 00:12:17,320
Yeah, they've been on the floor.

189
00:12:17,322 --> 00:12:19,800
He's had... He's had to wipe
everything with a flannel!

190
00:12:19,802 --> 00:12:25,120
"I will tune your harpsichord."
You know how to do that? I do indeed.

191
00:12:25,122 --> 00:12:26,760
These are all very specific.

192
00:12:26,762 --> 00:12:29,600
Do you really think a newsagent
is the best pl...

193
00:12:29,602 --> 00:12:31,000
Oh!

194
00:12:31,002 --> 00:12:35,520
Arthur, do you know what you
should do? Oh, my God! Get ready.

195
00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:38,082
I am about to change your life.

196
00:12:46,282 --> 00:12:49,480
Oh, I don't know about this,
I'm not good with computers.

197
00:12:49,482 --> 00:12:52,560
Arthur, it's so simple. I can guide
you through the worst of it.

198
00:12:52,562 --> 00:12:55,640
Now, just press OK. Where's OK?

199
00:12:55,642 --> 00:12:58,080
No, it's not on the keyboard,
it's on the screen. This one?

200
00:12:58,082 --> 00:13:03,360
No, no, you just turned it off there.
OK, just boot it back up again.

201
00:13:03,362 --> 00:13:06,440
And you're giving me this? Yes.

202
00:13:06,442 --> 00:13:11,040
Yes, I'm actually giving you
a computer. Right, here we go.

203
00:13:11,042 --> 00:13:16,280
Now, press OK. Where's OK? Again, not
on the keyboard, it's on the screen.

204
00:13:16,282 --> 00:13:17,840
See where it says OK?

205
00:13:17,842 --> 00:13:19,602
OK, shall I do this bit?

206
00:13:21,042 --> 00:13:24,640
Right, now, this is like an online
messageboard type of thing.

207
00:13:24,642 --> 00:13:28,920
You put things up here, and then
people see them and get in touch.

208
00:13:28,922 --> 00:13:31,560
Think of it like the shop window,
but on a much bigger scale.

209
00:13:31,562 --> 00:13:33,920
Millions of people
can access this page.

210
00:13:33,922 --> 00:13:37,840
Well, a lot of people saw that shop
window. It was by a bus stop.

211
00:13:37,842 --> 00:13:41,040
OK. Now, what kind of things
do you want up here?

212
00:13:41,042 --> 00:13:42,800
You can be as specific as you like.

213
00:13:42,802 --> 00:13:46,840
Ooh, put,
"Mesmero, the Child Hypnotist".

214
00:13:46,842 --> 00:13:49,680
Mesmero, the Child Hyp...
Sorry, what is that exactly?

215
00:13:49,682 --> 00:13:52,480
It's a hypnotist act,
except for kids.

216
00:13:52,482 --> 00:13:56,080
I get them biting into onions, they
think they're chickens, all that.

217
00:13:56,082 --> 00:14:00,560
They love it! Ooh, it's hysterical.
Er, when it works. Right.

218
00:14:00,562 --> 00:14:02,880
I'm not necessarily sure this is
the right...

219
00:14:02,882 --> 00:14:04,480
You said anything! All right.

220
00:14:04,482 --> 00:14:06,680
That's it!
No, just leave it!

221
00:14:06,682 --> 00:14:12,480
Put down, "Mesmero - I will make
your child behave like an idiot!"

222
00:14:12,482 --> 00:14:14,762
Go on, you know
that you can do this.

223
00:14:17,162 --> 00:14:19,520
What's up with Eggy?
He's complaining about the menu.

224
00:14:19,522 --> 00:14:21,680
I said, "If you don't like it,
you can bugger off."

225
00:14:21,682 --> 00:14:26,960
No, no, what did you do that for?
Eggy!

226
00:14:26,962 --> 00:14:30,160
Can you find phone numbers on this?
Er, yes.

227
00:14:30,162 --> 00:14:33,522
Just type what you're looking for
into that space there.

228
00:14:34,922 --> 00:14:37,760
It's all good, isn't it? Yup.

229
00:14:37,762 --> 00:14:40,520
I've helped you,
I've done something for you.

230
00:14:40,522 --> 00:14:43,480
In a sense, I've paid you back
for all the help you've given me.

231
00:14:43,482 --> 00:14:46,480
Oh, yes. Good, good, great.

232
00:14:46,482 --> 00:14:51,522
Can I use your phone? I... Yes, yes.

233
00:14:53,162 --> 00:14:54,322
Ahem!

234
00:14:56,282 --> 00:14:57,922
Ahem-hem-hem!

235
00:15:00,682 --> 00:15:06,560
Hello, could I speak to the Managing
Director of Miami Fashions UK?

236
00:15:06,562 --> 00:15:09,640
Oh, she's putting me through!
This is amazing!

237
00:15:09,642 --> 00:15:13,600
You were right,
this is going to change my life!

238
00:15:13,602 --> 00:15:18,560
Oh, no problem, Arthur. Hello, is
that the Managing Director? It is?

239
00:15:18,562 --> 00:15:22,400
Oh, hello, how are you?
I just wanted to say...

240
00:15:22,402 --> 00:15:24,280
I've got you now, you bugger!

241
00:15:24,282 --> 00:15:26,680
Why didn't you answer my letters?

242
00:15:26,682 --> 00:15:32,640
38 times I've written to you about
those socks! Well, I've got you now.

243
00:15:32,642 --> 00:15:36,400
Because I found your number
on the Ilfracombe!

244
00:15:36,402 --> 00:15:41,400
So I'm on to you, I'm on to you!
Watch your back!

245
00:15:41,402 --> 00:15:43,200
Thank you.

246
00:15:43,202 --> 00:15:47,320
What was that? What?
That was a threatening phone call!

247
00:15:47,322 --> 00:15:51,400
No, it wasn't. You just made a
threatening phone call from my phone!

248
00:15:51,402 --> 00:15:53,000
But it was monomynous, wasn't it?

249
00:15:53,002 --> 00:15:54,960
No, they have my number now,

250
00:15:54,962 --> 00:15:58,920
it wasn't "monomynous", it was me!
They'll think that was me!

251
00:15:58,922 --> 00:16:01,240
Oh, my God, there's
a police officer over there.

252
00:16:01,242 --> 00:16:06,120
What, Roger? It'd take more
than that to shock Roger.

253
00:16:06,122 --> 00:16:07,960
It'd take a bloody earthquake!

254
00:16:07,962 --> 00:16:11,760
Here, John, I'm saying, what would
it take to shock Roger? Roger?

255
00:16:11,762 --> 00:16:13,080
He's unflappable.

256
00:16:13,082 --> 00:16:16,040
That's it, that's the very word,
you hit the nail on the head there.

257
00:16:16,042 --> 00:16:18,360
That's him to a tee, is inflammable!

258
00:16:18,362 --> 00:16:21,760
Unflappable. Inflammable.

259
00:16:21,762 --> 00:16:23,960
Unflappable. Unflappable!

260
00:16:23,962 --> 00:16:27,640
That's it, is inflatable!
Nothing fazes him.

261
00:16:27,642 --> 00:16:30,680
Anyway, I think I should take this
computer back. What? No, you can't!

262
00:16:30,682 --> 00:16:33,760
You can't take it off me,
I feel powerful, like nobody can

263
00:16:33,762 --> 00:16:37,680
touch me, like I could do anything
I wanted! Give us me computer!

264
00:16:37,682 --> 00:16:39,000
What are you going to do?

265
00:16:39,002 --> 00:16:41,600
I'm going to tell that Stephen Fry
what I think of him.

266
00:16:41,602 --> 00:16:43,680
No, you are not!
Oh, my God, you are a troll.

267
00:16:43,682 --> 00:16:46,720
You've not been online 10 minutes
and you're already a troll.

268
00:16:46,722 --> 00:16:50,520
You leave Stephen Fry alone! Give me
that. Get off it! You gave me it!

269
00:16:50,522 --> 00:16:54,600
Get off! Oh, God! I'm going
to have to ration you with that.

270
00:16:54,602 --> 00:16:59,800
Almost wish I hadn't got you online,
you... rascal.

271
00:16:59,802 --> 00:17:01,442
How do you get the lid up?

272
00:17:11,162 --> 00:17:15,520
Hey-hey! Ha-ha!

273
00:17:15,522 --> 00:17:21,360
He-e-ey! Hey, this is brilliant,
look at all these people!

274
00:17:21,362 --> 00:17:23,800
That review really did a good job.

275
00:17:23,802 --> 00:17:27,440
Don't get too excited, they're not
ordering anything. What review?

276
00:17:27,442 --> 00:17:31,680
I got an alert from Tripadvisor.
Hey-hey!

277
00:17:31,682 --> 00:17:33,242
Hey-hey!

278
00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:40,200
But it's not... It couldn't be him.
But it is, look, look!

279
00:17:40,202 --> 00:17:44,960
Michael Baker. And look,
he has given us...

280
00:17:44,962 --> 00:17:46,242
one star.

281
00:17:49,642 --> 00:17:51,160
Thank you so much.

282
00:17:51,162 --> 00:17:53,560
It's getting harder
and harder to find people

283
00:17:53,562 --> 00:17:55,080
who can do this kind of work.

284
00:17:55,082 --> 00:17:59,920
Do you have a picture
of the harpsichord? Oh, er...

285
00:17:59,922 --> 00:18:04,240
Actually, I think I do. Yeah.

286
00:18:04,242 --> 00:18:05,400
Oh.

287
00:18:05,402 --> 00:18:08,640
I'm afraid I'm unable
to help you after all.

288
00:18:08,642 --> 00:18:13,080
I had this completely different
idea of what a harpsichord is.

289
00:18:13,082 --> 00:18:16,242
Oh. Number 43!

290
00:18:20,602 --> 00:18:23,680
I've come about the bikes, two free
bikes to a good home? Oh, yes.

291
00:18:23,682 --> 00:18:28,280
Can I have a look at them? What?
Let's have a look at them, then.

292
00:18:28,282 --> 00:18:31,520
I haven't... I thought
you were giving them away.

293
00:18:31,522 --> 00:18:35,760
What would I want to give away two
bikes for? Do I look like an idiot?

294
00:18:35,762 --> 00:18:39,520
I WANT two free bikes.
Oh, sorry. Er...

295
00:18:39,522 --> 00:18:40,880
Number 44!

296
00:18:40,882 --> 00:18:43,202
One star? One star?!

297
00:18:44,442 --> 00:18:50,520
No, no, no, I talk ABOUT Germany.
The lessons are ABOUT Germany.

298
00:18:50,522 --> 00:18:55,240
You know, "Heil Himmler," er, er...
winning medals, all that.

299
00:18:55,242 --> 00:18:58,642
Come on, come on,
there's people waiting! 45!

300
00:19:01,042 --> 00:19:03,280
Why did you do this? What?

301
00:19:03,282 --> 00:19:05,440
Why did you write these
things about my cafe?

302
00:19:05,442 --> 00:19:10,200
I didn't write anything about
your cafe. Don't test me, my friend,
I will whisk you!

303
00:19:10,202 --> 00:19:13,282
"The sausages have been wiped
with a flannel."

304
00:19:15,242 --> 00:19:18,800
"The eggs are unflammable."
What does that even mean?!

305
00:19:18,802 --> 00:19:23,200
You are not a nice man. I am
a nice man! Please don't whisk me.

306
00:19:23,202 --> 00:19:25,320
That was Arthur,
it must have been Arthur.

307
00:19:25,322 --> 00:19:28,960
He must have signed it under my name
somehow. It's him?

308
00:19:28,962 --> 00:19:30,960
How in the hell did
he get on the internet?

309
00:19:30,962 --> 00:19:35,240
Arthur and the internet are two
things which must never go together.

310
00:19:35,242 --> 00:19:38,000
Take him down. Take him offline.

311
00:19:38,002 --> 00:19:40,640
All right, all right,

312
00:19:40,642 --> 00:19:44,842
I'll do it. Now! Yes, now, of course.

313
00:19:46,842 --> 00:19:49,120
Hello again. Sorry,
you probably don't remember me.

314
00:19:49,122 --> 00:19:52,480
I thought you worked in
the newsagent. Don't know why
I'm bringing it up again!

315
00:19:52,482 --> 00:19:55,722
Anyway, we should, er,
we should go for a drink sometime.

316
00:19:57,362 --> 00:20:01,640
Arthur, this has to stop. I'm going
to have to take you off the internet.

317
00:20:01,642 --> 00:20:03,040
What? You can't!

318
00:20:03,042 --> 00:20:06,280
Look at all these people,
and they all want a piece of me!

319
00:20:06,282 --> 00:20:07,920
You can't shut me down.

320
00:20:07,922 --> 00:20:11,200
I'm just about to exchange
my bank details with

321
00:20:11,202 --> 00:20:13,760
the Prince of Nigeria himself!

322
00:20:13,762 --> 00:20:17,160
I have to. You are out of control.

323
00:20:17,162 --> 00:20:22,240
Out of control? Don't be a fool,
man. I've never felt more powerful!

324
00:20:22,242 --> 00:20:24,042
Look, Katya has nowhere to sit.

325
00:20:25,882 --> 00:20:28,922
Katya? Nowhere to sit?

326
00:20:30,362 --> 00:20:34,680
What have I become?! See?

327
00:20:34,682 --> 00:20:39,600
I'm sorry, Arthur, I'm going
to have to take you offline. No, no!

328
00:20:39,602 --> 00:20:41,120
I won't let you!

329
00:20:41,122 --> 00:20:44,040
You-you can't throw open the doors
to a brave new world

330
00:20:44,042 --> 00:20:48,760
and then take it all away from me!
I've crossed the Rubicon, Michael.

331
00:20:48,762 --> 00:20:51,160
And I like it! It's where I belong,

332
00:20:51,162 --> 00:20:55,280
surfing the web
of the... Ilfracombe!

333
00:20:55,282 --> 00:20:58,440
Sorry, Arthur. No, no,
I won't let you, I won't let you!

334
00:20:58,442 --> 00:21:01,200
I'll make it up to you, I promise.
How?

335
00:21:01,202 --> 00:21:04,082
How can you possibly
make it up to me?

336
00:21:19,442 --> 00:21:23,200
Jack the Ripper tours!
Stop me and go on one!

337
00:21:23,202 --> 00:21:25,722
The notorious burglar
and murderer...

338
00:21:27,682 --> 00:21:30,920
Jack the Ripper and his...
merry men.

339
00:21:30,922 --> 00:21:36,402
He robbed from the rich
and slaughtered all the prozzitutes.

340
00:21:40,682 --> 00:21:46,280
Whitechapel, the end of
the 19th century. Or thereabouts.

341
00:21:46,282 --> 00:21:49,080
There is something in the air.

342
00:21:49,082 --> 00:21:53,520
Is it the smell of the effluent
that comes from not having proper,

343
00:21:53,522 --> 00:22:01,522
er, toilets? No. It is the smell
of fear. Fear of Jack the Ripper.

344
00:22:02,682 --> 00:22:08,160
Who, or what, is, or was,
Jack the Ripper?

345
00:22:08,162 --> 00:22:11,920
That question has fascinated
people's donkeys for years...

346
00:22:11,922 --> 00:22:15,760
No, has fascinated
people for donkey's years.

347
00:22:15,762 --> 00:22:20,200
We know he lived
at 221B Baker Street.

348
00:22:20,202 --> 00:22:23,760
We know some called him
The Elephant Man.

349
00:22:23,762 --> 00:22:27,320
That much, at least,
is beyond conjecture.

350
00:22:27,322 --> 00:22:32,000
However, there is much
that is shrouded in fog.

351
00:22:32,002 --> 00:22:35,520
Follow me and I will show you
how little I know...

352
00:22:35,522 --> 00:22:41,202
IS known of this eternally romantic
and dashing figure.

353
00:22:47,442 --> 00:22:49,880
And it was on this very spot,

354
00:22:49,882 --> 00:22:53,360
here, behind, er, Lidl's,

355
00:22:53,362 --> 00:22:57,080
that the body of Jack's first victim
was found.

356
00:22:57,082 --> 00:23:03,202
I say "body" because the post-mortem
revealed the victim had no head.

357
00:23:04,362 --> 00:23:08,040
They do say that in the dead
of night, she can still be heard,

358
00:23:08,042 --> 00:23:13,240
walking these streets, tapping
on windows and going on about it.

359
00:23:13,242 --> 00:23:16,800
Now, are there any questions,
before we carry on?

360
00:23:16,802 --> 00:23:21,562
How could she be going on about it
if she doesn't have a head?

361
00:23:23,522 --> 00:23:25,400
Oh, very clever.

362
00:23:25,402 --> 00:23:28,840
I'm sorry about this woman,
everybody.

363
00:23:28,842 --> 00:23:30,920
There's always one, isn't there?

364
00:23:30,922 --> 00:23:34,160
Oi! What are you playing at?

365
00:23:34,162 --> 00:23:37,880
Were you all waiting for the 2pm
Yes. That's me!

366
00:23:37,882 --> 00:23:42,440
I don't know who this bloke is,
I was just getting a coffee.

367
00:23:42,442 --> 00:23:45,162
Have you given him any money?
Yes, a tenner.

368
00:23:55,882 --> 00:23:58,640
Sorry!

369
00:23:58,642 --> 00:24:03,082
Sorry! No, it's all right,
I was just... Hi!

370
00:24:05,682 --> 00:24:08,122
Get it started, we're off!

371
00:24:09,922 --> 00:24:15,082
This is them now. Right,
don't panic, just put the music on.

372
00:24:17,042 --> 00:24:24,522
Everything is completely normal.
Just a normal ice cream van.

373
00:24:33,362 --> 00:24:37,160
I've told you, we don't do 99s!

374
00:24:37,162 --> 00:24:38,920
Well, can I have a Fab?

375
00:24:38,922 --> 00:24:43,520
We don't do Fabs!
We don't do ALL of these ice creams!

376
00:24:43,522 --> 00:24:46,000
It's Jack the Ripper tours.

377
00:24:46,002 --> 00:24:50,440
Do you want to go on a Jack the
Ripper tour? Is that your mother?

378
00:24:50,442 --> 00:24:54,760
Go and ask her if you can have
£15 for the Jack the Ripper tour.

379
00:24:54,762 --> 00:24:58,202
If she says no, tell her school says
you've got to do it.

380
00:24:59,362 --> 00:25:02,680
Arthur...
Some of these kids look a bit angry.

381
00:25:02,682 --> 00:25:06,400
What, them ones with
the Strawberry Mivvi?

382
00:25:06,402 --> 00:25:10,600
Maybe we should start selling
ice creams. No, I've told you!

383
00:25:10,602 --> 00:25:15,880
It's confusing. Whatever.
I'm going to get a sandwich.

384
00:25:15,882 --> 00:25:18,320
Have another Cornetto.
I need real food.

385
00:25:18,322 --> 00:25:22,240
I cannot eat any more Cornettos. I've
got the worst ice cream headache.

386
00:25:22,242 --> 00:25:23,642
Back in a second.

387
00:25:29,642 --> 00:25:31,202
Jack the Ripper!

388
00:25:37,122 --> 00:25:43,920
Hi... Hi! Erm... Er, sorry, I...

389
00:25:43,922 --> 00:25:46,160
Sorry, excuse me?

390
00:25:46,162 --> 00:25:48,960
What's going on now?

391
00:25:48,962 --> 00:25:53,842
Get out of it!
Oh, what have you done?

392
00:26:18,682 --> 00:26:22,002
No! Where are you going?

393
00:26:25,842 --> 00:26:27,682
Wait! Wait! Argh!

394
00:26:29,522 --> 00:26:35,880
Wait, it's me! No! Please, no!
It's me! Just stop, leave me alone!

395
00:26:35,882 --> 00:26:42,320
No, no! No, I'm a nice man!
Leave me alone! No, I'm a nice man!

396
00:26:42,322 --> 00:26:44,002
What are you doing?!

397
00:26:45,962 --> 00:26:47,002
I-I found him.

398
00:26:54,122 --> 00:26:57,042
Martin! Get in!

399
00:27:11,562 --> 00:27:13,202
What a day!

400
00:27:16,482 --> 00:27:20,282
I think you're right. I'm better off
without the Ilfracombe.

401
00:27:21,482 --> 00:27:23,520
I don't like what it made me.

402
00:27:23,522 --> 00:27:27,360
I'm-I'm more of a people person,
Michael.

403
00:27:27,362 --> 00:27:30,920
Michael! I said Michael!

404
00:27:30,922 --> 00:27:34,520
Oh, yes! You did, didn't you?
Oh, sorry, shall I...?

405
00:27:34,522 --> 00:27:39,720
No, you're all right. Um,
on the house. I'm sorry. What for?

406
00:27:39,722 --> 00:27:44,040
Sometimes, I'm not a nice girl.
Oh, well!

407
00:27:44,042 --> 00:27:47,480
I-I-I th-think you're very nice.

408
00:27:47,482 --> 00:27:49,522
Thanks, Martin.

409
00:27:53,922 --> 00:27:56,320
Are you sure I can't tempt you,
Martin?

410
00:27:56,322 --> 00:28:00,362
Ohh, no! Ohh!