1
00:00:17,120 --> 00:00:19,280
HE HUMS TO HIMSELF
2
00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:20,800
All right, Grandad?
3
00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:23,480
Oh, hello. You on your holidays?

2
00:00:23,480 --> 00:00:24,840
What? No.

3
00:00:24,840 --> 00:00:26,920
Well, tuck your shirt in then.

4
00:00:26,920 --> 00:00:30,040
If my mother had caught me in the
street with my shirt hanging out,

5
00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:31,960
there'd have been hell to pay.

6
00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:34,480
There would have been no
Sunday school for me, never mind

7
00:00:34,480 --> 00:00:37,840
waddling down the road with
your trousers round your ankles.

8
00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:39,240
Have a think about that.

9
00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:47,200
POP MUSIC PLAYS

10
00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:51,480
SHE HUMS TO HERSELF

11
00:00:51,480 --> 00:00:53,680
Sorry. Love this song.

12
00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:56,120
Oh, yes. Yes, it's got a...

13
00:00:56,120 --> 00:00:58,480
It's got a lovely rhythm.

14
00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:02,720
Is it a new song?
You don't know it? No, I don't.

15
00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:06,960
I'm not...
I don't really like music. What?

16
00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:11,080
I find it more irritating
than anything. All music?

17
00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:13,280
Er...yeah.

18
00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:14,600
♪ Only me

19
00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:16,240
♪ Coming through the door

20
00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:17,960
♪ Singing this song

21
00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:20,200
♪ And I'll have a number three. ♪

22
00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:26,160
Thank you! I couldn't live without
music. You can't not like all music.

23
00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:30,040
That's like you're an alien
or a...cat.

24
00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:32,080
No, I'm not a cat. No.

25
00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:34,640
I don't like string.
You don't like string?

26
00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:36,160
No, I...I do like string.

27
00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:40,320
Katya, are you back
on the solids then?

28
00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:42,760
This is a soup bar, Arthur.

29
00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:44,480
It's made from soup.

30
00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:45,920
You want to be careful, though.

31
00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:48,320
That might be one of those GM foods.

32
00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:52,080
You don't want to touch anything
out of Greater Manchester.

33
00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:59,640
Hey, Sinem. Have you written
"fizzy slush" on the board? No.

34
00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:01,760
We have to let the people know
we have the machine.

35
00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:04,640
The kids love fizzy slush.
No, they don't. It's disgusting.

36
00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:06,200
I don't even like saying the words.

37
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:10,840
You know, I don't even like thinking
about it. Fizzy slush? Ugh.

38
00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:13,360
Where's the chalk?
Stay away from my sister.

39
00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:16,360
What? I said, "Where's the chalk?"
In the drawer.

40
00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:27,440
Tea and two toasts, please, Bulent.
All right, John? How's tricks then?

41
00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:31,880
Morning, Arthur. Morning...
Sorry, what's your name again, mate?

42
00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:36,720
My name's Michael.
What are you asking him for?

43
00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:39,160
Sorry? You said...

44
00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:42,000
WITH RISING INFLECTION:
"My name's Michael."

45
00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:44,640
You're not sure of your name?
No, I am.

46
00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:47,080
Well, don't say it like a question.
All right, sorry.

47
00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:49,760
WITH RISING INFLECTION:
My name's Michael.

48
00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:53,200
That was worse, if anything. You
made me think about it too much now.

49
00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:55,480
My name's M...

50
00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:57,800
Mi...

51
00:02:57,800 --> 00:02:59,920
Michael. I've done it again.

52
00:02:59,920 --> 00:03:03,760
Here, Arthur, here's that book I was
telling you about. Oh, thanks, Eggy.

53
00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:07,120
Looks like a good one.
The Faux-lympics? What's that?

54
00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:10,760
It's about how they faked
the Olympics.

55
00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:12,320
What? Yeah.

56
00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:16,120
To keep our minds off the recession.
What do you mean faked?

57
00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:17,680
They didn't happen.

58
00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:20,080
The whole Olympics? Yeah.

59
00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:22,120
The ones that were in London? Yeah.

60
00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:23,800
Then what was that on the telly?

61
00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:27,920
Actors. Actors? They were
all actors? All the athletes?

62
00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:29,560
But there were thousands of them.

63
00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:32,120
That's why they're
only every four years.

64
00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:33,760
The casting takes ages.

65
00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:37,280
It's all in the book. Well, I
look forward to reading that, Eggy.

66
00:03:37,280 --> 00:03:40,400
I thought there was something funny
going on when I was watching it.

67
00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:42,400
Something funny going on?

68
00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:45,120
Yeah. The 400 metres, for instance.

69
00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:48,000
The man that won that
was in an episode of Casualty.

70
00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:52,640
Yeah, they slipped up there,
didn't they?

71
00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:55,480
Did anyone notice anything
strange on the way here?

72
00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:56,920
Yeah, I did, John.

73
00:03:56,920 --> 00:04:00,280
They've got a two-for-one offer
on lamb chops at the butcher's.

74
00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:04,000
Very strange. No, it's not that,
Arthur. It's just...

75
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:08,160
it feels like something's about
to happen. You bet it will.

76
00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:11,040
Two-for-one on chops?
It'll all kick off now.

77
00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:14,240
We need to get different
colours for the chalk

78
00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:15,760
so "fizzy slush" jumps out.

79
00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:17,840
Yeah, like a mugger.

80
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:22,400
There is a lot of faces on
the manor I don't recognise. Kids.

81
00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:25,760
What are they all doing here? Maybe
there's something wrong with them.

82
00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:29,640
What? Maybe they've had flies
on them.

83
00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:31,000
Who?

84
00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:32,560
His chops.

85
00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:35,280
Maybe it's a consignment
of condemned meat

86
00:04:35,280 --> 00:04:38,040
from Greater Manchester.

87
00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:40,120
I'm talking about the kids, Arthur.

88
00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:42,000
What, the butcher's kids?

89
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:44,600
Do you think they've done
something to the meat?

90
00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:47,080
Maybe they've been seen
coughing on it.

91
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:50,880
SHOUTING AND GLASS SMASHING

92
00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:55,120
SHOUTING GETS LOUDER

93
00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:58,640
Everyone, get into the back room!
What's the matter?

94
00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:00,920
I'm not going in the back room,
I'm having my tea.

95
00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:03,800
There's a mob. They're smashing
things up. I'm not shifting.

96
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:06,680
Which one's the back room?!

97
00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:08,320
Come on!

98
00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:10,400
GLASS SMASHING

99
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:14,360
Sit down in that chair, love.
Shut the door, shut the door.

100
00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:17,800
GLASS SMASHING AND BANGING ON DOOR

101
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:20,840
Who is it?

102
00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,240
BANGING ON DOOR

103
00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:28,640
No, thank you.

104
00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:35,840
They won't get through. Dad put that
door in. I knew it. I knew it.

105
00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:40,640
The fool! The silly fool!
Did he not know what would happen?

106
00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:43,520
Two chops for the price of one!

107
00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:45,600
That's just asking for trouble.

108
00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:48,040
I don't think it's anything to do
with the chops, Arthur.

109
00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:52,440
Cheap meat does things to people,
Michael. I know.

110
00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:56,240
Are we sure this
is really happening? What?

111
00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:58,920
How do we know that there
really is a riot?

112
00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:00,320
Because of the riot.

113
00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:02,760
BULENT: Move away from the door.

114
00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:06,160
What you think you're doing?
Never mind. Just open the door.

115
00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:07,560
They're Venetian blinds.

116
00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:09,800
Some of them are quite sharp.
Quick, out of the way.

117
00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:13,040
You can't go out there, you idiot.
I'll be fine. No. Please, stop him.

118
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:16,960
No, don't do this. Don't do this.
I'll tell Mum. I will tell Mum.

119
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,760
Bulent, I think Sinem's right.
Mind your business. OK. Oh, my God.

120
00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:22,720
He'll do it. He'll do it.
We have to stop him. Please.

121
00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:25,240
Raaargh!

122
00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:27,800
Get off me! I'm doing this
because I like you, Bulent.

123
00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:30,240
Let go of me. I like you, Bulent.

124
00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:33,200
I'm doing this because I like you.

125
00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:36,080
You can't hold me for ever.
What do I do?

126
00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:37,600
We could use some of that.

127
00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:44,520
BULENT: Hey, everyone, I'm OK now.
I'm very, very calm.

128
00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:49,400
Everything will be fine now.
Sorry about earlier.

129
00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:51,560
You can let me go now.

130
00:06:56,560 --> 00:07:01,160
See? I am so calm.

131
00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:04,000
You're not angry?
No. Do I look angry?

132
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:06,880
Hm, you look a bit odd.

133
00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:08,600
That's because he's smiling.

134
00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:13,600
Why are you smiling?

135
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:16,760
I'm smiling because I'm calm.

136
00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:22,120
Please, my good friends, let me go.
I will not do anything.

137
00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:24,720
I think we'll just leave
things as they are for a bit.

138
00:07:24,720 --> 00:07:27,280
Until he stops smiling.

139
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:30,240
OK, I'm not smiling.
Get me out of this!

140
00:07:30,240 --> 00:07:31,880
Get me out of this!

141
00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:33,720
That's worse than the smiling.

142
00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:35,600
Can we turn him to the wall?

143
00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:38,600
SMASHING AND CLATTERING

144
00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:41,120
Oh, you hear?
You hear what they are doing?

145
00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:43,520
Yeah, and it could be you
they're doing it to, you idiot.

146
00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:47,440
Yes, you want to calm down or
you'll be hyperventilating yourself.

147
00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:50,560
We'll have to put a paper bag over
your head. No, no, no. Don't, don't.

148
00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:55,440
Should I? No. Sorry, Bulent,
we'll just have to sit it out.

149
00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:56,720
Well, it might be a while.

150
00:07:56,720 --> 00:08:00,080
It's kicking off everywhere,
according to Twitter. What?

151
00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:03,560
What are you on about?
He's long gone.

152
00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:06,720
Who?

153
00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:08,200
Hitler.

154
00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:13,560
Not Hitler. Twitter. Twitter.
According to Twitter.

155
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:19,480
I have absolutely no idea
what you are on about.

156
00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:22,600
The police are saying if you're
in a safe place to stay there.

157
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:25,600
Well, I guess that's all there is
to it. Are you all right, Katya?

158
00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:34,560
Why are they doing this?
It's the butcher's kids.

159
00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:39,000
They've been coughing on chops
so he's doing them two-for-one

160
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:40,600
and all this has kicked off.

161
00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:45,200
Thanks for that. Oh. No problem.

162
00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:50,200
I hope it didn't seem like I was,
you know...

163
00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:51,280
What?

164
00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:52,800
A... You know, a...

165
00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:55,920
..a Westerner suppressing him.

166
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:04,280
Listen, I'm a bit
worried about Arthur.

167
00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:06,840
Arthur likes having an audience.

168
00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:10,960
Right? Well, now he's got one.

169
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:15,120
All of us. And we can't leave.

170
00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:17,840
Have you ever seen Arthur perform?

171
00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:18,880
Yes.

172
00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:25,760
Once he rented the library
and did a little show, you know.

173
00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:29,200
Everyone went.
Well, everyone except Bulent.

174
00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:30,920
Trying to be polite, you know.

175
00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:34,040
Katya fell asleep so she
missed the worst of it

176
00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:36,280
but we saw all of it.

177
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:41,360
Listen, you two, it's about Arthur.

178
00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:42,560
Yeah, I've told him.

179
00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:44,840
Did you tell him
about the little show?

180
00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:48,600
However bad she says it was,

181
00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:50,880
it was 100 times worse.

182
00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:53,280
We've got to keep his mind
on other things, Michael.

183
00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:55,320
We mustn't let him do a little show.

184
00:09:56,360 --> 00:09:59,000
For God's sake,
don't let him do a little show.

185
00:10:02,680 --> 00:10:05,800
It's good stuff, this, isn't it?

186
00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:07,640
It's very effective.

187
00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:10,400
How much do you pay
for a roll of that then?

188
00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:11,760
ã2.50, wholesale.

189
00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:14,520
That's quite reasonable, isn't it?
Yes, it's not bad, actually.

190
00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:19,120
My cousin in the market...
Look, just put it back on the shelf!

191
00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:22,440
I thought you'd have more food than
this in here. Mind your business.

192
00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:25,200
Leave my shelves alone.
I'm only thinking ahead, Bulent.

193
00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:27,200
I don't know how long
we'll be here, do I?

194
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:29,400
Anything you eat, you pay for.
Double.

195
00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:31,320
Yes, but surely
in the circumstances,

196
00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:33,360
you'll allow us some
dinner on the house?

197
00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:35,280
I mean,
when I left home this morning

198
00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:38,400
I didn't know I'd be involved
in a siege situation, did I?

199
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:39,800
CRASHING

200
00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:43,720
I don't think we'll
be in here too long.
SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE

201
00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:47,080
These things tend to flare up and
blow over pretty quickly, don't they?

202
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,000
Well, you're saying that, you know,

203
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:51,160
but look at
the wooden horse of Troy -

204
00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:53,640
that went on for months.

205
00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:54,920
It was ten years, actually.

206
00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:58,040
They spent ten years
waiting in a horse?

207
00:10:58,040 --> 00:11:02,320
No, no, the siege of Troy lasted ten
years. Or that's how the story goes.

208
00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:05,520
There wasn't actually a big wooden
horse that people hid inside.

209
00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:07,040
That's a myth.

210
00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:08,600
I'm not so sure.

211
00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:15,280
You believe in a big wooden horse
full of people but not the Olympics?

212
00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:18,560
Ten years? I'm not
stopping in here for ten years.

213
00:11:18,560 --> 00:11:22,680
What will we do with ourselves? How
will we keep ourselves entertained?

214
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:26,960
What if...? Arthur,

215
00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:30,280
who do you fancy in
the 4:15 at Chepstow? Lucky Madam.

216
00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:32,000
She's running good, is Lucky Madam.

217
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:34,360
Let's keep talking about racing.

218
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:38,000
Here. Here's the paper. Have a look
and see who's running tomorrow.

219
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:41,600
All right. Oh, it's a good
line-up tomorrow, actually.

220
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:42,920
Laugh A Minute,

221
00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:44,200
Great Showman,

222
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:46,000
Dancing Dandy,

223
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:47,640
Stunning Performance,

224
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,320
Under The Spotlight.

225
00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:51,680
What about the crossword?
The crossword.

226
00:11:51,680 --> 00:11:54,200
Let's do the crossword.
That'll help pass the time.

227
00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:57,440
I suppose we could do the crossword.
I've not seen today's.

228
00:11:57,440 --> 00:11:59,040
Let's have a look.

229
00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:02,240
Oh, you've made
a start on this. Six down.

230
00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:08,920
Major sporting event
of 2012 beginning with O.

231
00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:12,080
Well, we know it's not
the Olympics, don't we, Eggy?

232
00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:14,080
So we can rule that out.

233
00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:17,120
Arthur, why don't you
put on a little show?

234
00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:23,840
To keep our spirits up like
that one you did in the library.

235
00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:27,520
What an absolutely marvellous idea!

236
00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:29,080
What about the crossword, Arthur?

237
00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:32,560
Bugger the crossword!
This is much more important.

238
00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:35,360
Singing on the Underground.
We'll Meet Again.

239
00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:38,240
A bit of the old Blitz spirit.
That's what's needed here.

240
00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:39,600
Isn't that right, Katya?

241
00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:40,920
SHE SNORES LOUDLY

242
00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:42,200
Right, settle down.

243
00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:45,720
Oh, this is going to be great.

244
00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:47,160
I don't want to watch a show.

245
00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:50,760
HE LAUGHS
Oh, very funny, Bulent.

246
00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:54,800
Oh, this riot has turned out to be
a blessing in disguise, hasn't it?

247
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:57,720
Excuse me. Be a man, John.

248
00:12:57,720 --> 00:12:59,640
For God's sake, be a man.

249
00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:05,400
Jesus Christ.

250
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:06,680
Superstar.

251
00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:09,920
The Sound Of Music.

252
00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:13,160
The Phantom Of The Opera.

253
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:14,960
Cats, Oliver, Chess.

254
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:16,120
The King And Me.

255
00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:19,120
The Wizard Of Iz.

256
00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:23,280
And, of course, who could forget
the world's longest-running musical

257
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:26,040
about a French revolution?

258
00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:29,320
Les Miserablies...

259
00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:33,400
Ma...mis...mis...lisarablie...
abilies.

260
00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:38,120
Mislies...a...ugh...abulous.

261
00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:40,240
Mrs Arbless? Blism...

262
00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:45,080
Mislis...ugh...ugh...
oh...ugh...ARGH...ABLES!

263
00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:54,240
Ever since the first caveman howled
at the moon and blew on a flute

264
00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:57,840
made out of someone's jawbone,

265
00:13:57,840 --> 00:14:01,160
man has always had the urge to sing,

266
00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:04,920
and sing he has,
right up to the present day.

267
00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:06,040
SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE

268
00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:09,800
I'd like to do for you now
some of my favourite tunes.

269
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:11,280
THEY GROAN

270
00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:14,320
This short selection of 14 songs...

271
00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:16,120
THEY GROAN

272
00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:21,200
..is my gift to you, ending
in a medley of the greatest songs

273
00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:24,200
of Sir Andrew Lord...Lloyd Webber.

274
00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:27,880
Hey, do you remember? I was just
about to do that bit in the library

275
00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:29,320
when the fire alarm went.

276
00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:34,080
Sorry, what is this?

277
00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:38,800
He's going to do a little show
to keep our spirits up. Who is he?

278
00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:42,360
He's Count Arthur Strong. He and
my dad used to do a double act.

279
00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:43,400
His dad was Max Baker.

280
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:45,360
WITH RISING INFLECTION:
I'm Michael Baker.

281
00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:47,360
I've done it again!

282
00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:51,960
I used to love Max Baker.
Wow. This could be great.

283
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:01,440
♪ Like a circle in a spiral

284
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:03,280
♪ Like a wheel within a wheel

285
00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:05,320
♪ Never ending or beginning

286
00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:07,080
♪ On an ever-spinning reel

287
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:09,320
♪ Like a snowball down a mountain

288
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:11,440
♪ Or a carnival balloon

289
00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:13,520
♪ Like a carousel that's turning

290
00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:15,480
♪ Running rings around the moon

291
00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:17,720
♪ Like a clock
whose hands are sweeping

292
00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:19,760
♪ Past the minutes of its face

293
00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:21,840
♪ And the world is like an apple

294
00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:24,400
♪ Whirling forward...
HE MUMBLES

295
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,360
♪ Like the circles that you find

296
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:29,400
♪ In the windmills of your mind

297
00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:31,200
♪ Keys that jingle in your pocket

298
00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:33,400
♪ Words that jangle in your head

299
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:35,800
♪ Why did summer go so quick?

300
00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:38,080
♪ Was it something that I said?

301
00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:40,120
♪ Lovers walk along the shore

302
00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:43,000
♪ And leave their footprints
in the sand

303
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:45,440
♪ Is the sound of distant drumming

304
00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:47,440
♪ The drumming of your hand?

305
00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:49,760
♪ When she said that it was over

306
00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:51,840
♪ You were suddenly aware

307
00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:54,520
♪ That the autumn leaves
were turning

308
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:58,680
♪ To the colour of her hair!

309
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:02,120
♪ Like a circle in a spiral

310
00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:04,280
♪ Like a wheel within a wheel

311
00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:06,720
♪ Never ending nor beginning

312
00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:09,120
♪ An ever-spinning reel

313
00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:11,800
♪ As the images unwind

314
00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:14,680
♪ Like the circles that you find

315
00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:20,160
♪ In the windmills of your mind! ♪

316
00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:23,040
HE SOBS

317
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:30,320
I'm going to go.

318
00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:33,440
Take me with you, please. Please. I
don't think you should go out there.

319
00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:35,000
I can still hear them milling about.

320
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:37,040
No, I think I'd like to risk it.

321
00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:38,920
Thank you! Thank you!

322
00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:41,400
And welcome to tonight's show.

323
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:44,680
I'll be back in a minute. I've just
got to do a costume change.

324
00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:48,040
That's like his third song
and he thinks he's just started.

325
00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:52,160
No, I'm sorry, I'm going to
slip out. Lock the door behind me.

326
00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:54,960
Goodbye.
May God have mercy on your souls.

327
00:16:58,160 --> 00:16:59,960
SHOUTING AND SMASHING

328
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:01,480
That lucky bastard.

329
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:06,200
BIG BAND MUSIC

330
00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:11,480
OLD WEST MUSIC

331
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:18,920
JAUNTY MUSIC

332
00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:25,920
CREEPY ORGAN MUSIC

333
00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:38,480
So, I suppose this hasn't
done anything

334
00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:40,200
to change your opinion of music.

335
00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:45,040
You know,
I exaggerate that to some extent.

336
00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:49,200
My dad was always trying to push me
into things. Music was one of them.

337
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:53,680
Show tunes. He was always
trying to get me to sing.

338
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:58,280
So I...I developed this sort of,
"I hate music," thing.

339
00:17:58,280 --> 00:18:00,680
It's not true. Not really.

340
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:04,000
God, what was that song he was
always trying to get me to do?

341
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:05,920
One about...

342
00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:08,680
Oh, from the Audrey Hepburn film.
What was it?

343
00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:12,360
Oh, I used to love it. Er...

344
00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:13,400
Oh, anyway.

345
00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:19,160
Can you believe Katya's
still asleep?

346
00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:20,920
You've got to envy that.

347
00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:23,880
SHE GIGGLES

348
00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:35,040
I reckon there's nobody out there,
you know. Oh, my God!

349
00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:37,400
No, it's just very
convenient that we were

350
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:39,960
talking about the Olympics
and then that happened.

351
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:42,880
I can hear them out there.
YOU can hear them.

352
00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:44,920
It could be a recording.

353
00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:47,440
It might all be faked,
like the moon landings.

354
00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:51,000
Oh, God, Eggy! Come on,
you have to believe in some things

355
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:53,000
otherwise you just...you go mad.

356
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:54,640
No, no.

357
00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:57,040
You can't pull the wool
over my eyes.

358
00:18:57,040 --> 00:19:00,640
Last time anyone did that,
I looked quite the fool.

359
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,000
Quite the fool.

360
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:05,240
And my wife, she... You're married?

361
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:07,880
I was, yes.

362
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:12,040
I thought we were happy.

363
00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:14,320
But that wasn't true.

364
00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:20,000
Evening classes,
she said she was doing.

365
00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:24,080
But that wasn't what she was doing.

366
00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:26,880
It wasn't that at all.

367
00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:30,240
No, no, no.

368
00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:34,280
Not falling for that again.

369
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:37,920
Not falling for anything again.

370
00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:47,440
And now it's the 1960s!

371
00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:49,960
Oh, this is a duet.
You could do this with me.

372
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:52,240
I'm not going to sing with you,
Arthur. Oh, go on.

373
00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:55,880
Me and your dad used to do this one.
No. Oh, well, suit yourself.

374
00:19:55,880 --> 00:20:00,000
Ladies and gentlemen, close your
eyes and imagine, if you will,

375
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:02,240
a young Julie Andrews.

376
00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:06,600
MEDLEY OF SHOW TUNE MUSIC

377
00:20:26,360 --> 00:20:29,080
Arthur.
♪ La, da, da-da, da, da-da! ♪

378
00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:31,360
Arthur, please. Please!

379
00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:36,200
Arthur, I'm sorry. I'm going
to have to ask you to stop...

380
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:37,720
entertaining everyone.

381
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:41,040
But I've got to
do my Shakespeare yet. What?

382
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:43,400
Yeah. When I was going to
finish my musical show,

383
00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:45,600
I was going to do
my Shakespeare show.

384
00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:49,400
No, I'm sorry, Arthur. I think if you
do Shakespeare someone might die.

385
00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:55,200
We're...we're very grateful
though, you know, for...

386
00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:57,080
for keeping our spirits up.

387
00:20:57,080 --> 00:21:00,920
No, we're not! We're not grateful!
You are... Hey!

388
00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:03,280
Oh, bravo! Bravo!

389
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:04,560
Thank you, Katya!

390
00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:06,320
More! More!

391
00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:08,360
Oh, I couldn't. I couldn't.

392
00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:11,240
Oh, go on then! No!

393
00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:13,720
You see? You see? They hated it!

394
00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:14,800
Just shut up!

395
00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:16,960
You made a terrible situation
many times worse.

396
00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:19,640
And that show you put on was
the worst thing I've ever seen!

397
00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:22,040
Hey, listen, it's in my blood,
is show business.

398
00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:24,280
Well, then go and work
in a box office somewhere.

399
00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:25,680
Sell ice creams in the interval.

400
00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:27,840
Just stay off the stage.
You don't belong there!

401
00:21:27,840 --> 00:21:31,160
You bring misery to everyone
who sees you perform!

402
00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:33,760
Bulent! No, no, Sinem.
Let him speak his mind.

403
00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:36,880
So, which bit didn't you like then?

404
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:38,480
All of it! All of it!

405
00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:41,360
You have no talent. None. That's
why his old man left you behind.

406
00:21:41,360 --> 00:21:42,960
Because you have no talent!

407
00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:47,240
SHE GROANS

408
00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:51,840
Are you all right, Katya?
My pills. I have to take my pills.

409
00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:56,080
Where are they? Out there,
under my table, in the Iceland bag.

410
00:21:56,080 --> 00:22:00,320
Oh, I'm sorry, Katya, but we might
have to wait till all this is over.

411
00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:04,480
They're for flatulence. We're going
to get you those pills, Katya.

412
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:09,080
Oh! Hold my hand! Hold my hand!
Oh, God.

413
00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:11,960
Where are you going?
I'm going to get Katya's pills.

414
00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:13,840
No, don't you go. I'll go.

415
00:22:13,840 --> 00:22:17,480
Don't let go! Oh! It's not
a good idea, Arthur. I'll go.

416
00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:19,760
No, no, no.
You stay where you are, John.

417
00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:21,440
It's been made perfectly clear to me

418
00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:25,000
that my presence here has been
at best tolerated.

419
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:29,560
No... No, no. I know where I stand.

420
00:22:29,560 --> 00:22:31,360
I've lived my life.

421
00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:36,280
Now step aside, everybody,
if you will,

422
00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:40,400
and allow me to retrieve
Katya's flatulence tablets.

423
00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:44,840
I may be some time.

424
00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:52,880
Oh, well done(!) Oh, very brave(!)
An old man.

425
00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:54,600
You, you shouldn't
have let him leave.

426
00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:57,480
You shouldn't have said those
things. You could have defended him.

427
00:22:57,480 --> 00:23:00,520
But you didn't. Because you know
I'm right. You all do.

428
00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:02,760
He can't sing, he can't dance,
he can't do anything!

429
00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:04,960
And you're conning him
when you kid him otherwise.

430
00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:07,640
KATYA GROANS
All right, all right,
all right, Katya.

431
00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:09,640
Let's just try
and think of something else.

432
00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:12,800
Just imagine we're not here, not
in a store room. We're in Poland.

433
00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:16,040
We're in Krakow with...um...

434
00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:17,600
Lech Walesa. No, no!

435
00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:19,160
Donald Sutherland.

436
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:21,400
I like Donald Sutherland.

437
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:24,120
OK, in Krakow with Donald Sutherland

438
00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:27,080
and you are eating golonka

439
00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:30,800
and watching...MASH...the film,
not the food.

440
00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:34,160
Oh! So sorry, Katya, I don't
really know much about Poland.

441
00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:35,440
I've been to Sweden.

442
00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:37,920
Could you sing to me?

443
00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:41,080
I don't really... I'm not...
I don't.

444
00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:42,640
SINEM: Here he is!

445
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:46,240
Look what I got.
A pair of pumps and a telly.

446
00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:49,000
Hey, they've still got
the labels on them as well.

447
00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:51,360
Oh, hey, and feel in my pocket.

448
00:23:51,360 --> 00:23:54,080
They're for you.
Did you get my pills?

449
00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:55,920
Oh, for crying out loud.

450
00:23:55,920 --> 00:24:00,040
I knew there was something.
Here, hold that, you.

451
00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:04,000
I'll be back in a minute now I've
remembered. No, Arthur, don't.

452
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:07,160
BOY: What's in here then? Oh, ho!
Come in here, you. Look at this.

453
00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:09,880
One of the ringleaders, I'll bet.
What are you talking about?

454
00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:12,120
I'm not a ringleader
of nothing, man. I'll kill him!

455
00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:14,320
Now, now, Bulent.
Don't go jumping the gun.

456
00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:17,320
We haven't asked him
what his demands are yet.

457
00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:19,600
What are your demands?

458
00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:21,240
I haven't got any demands.

459
00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:23,720
Well, you're not much
of a ringmaster then, are you?

460
00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:25,600
You smashed up my cafe, my business!

461
00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:27,040
I didn't smash nothing up.

462
00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:28,920
I'll smash you. Oh, yeah?

463
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:31,840
How are you going to do that, bruv?
You're all wrapped up.

464
00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:34,600
Look, I just wanted
a fizzy slush, yeah?

465
00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:36,320
I'll pay for it. Look.

466
00:24:36,320 --> 00:24:39,400
SINEM: You like those?
No, my girlfriend loves them.

467
00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:40,720
I think they're disgusting.

468
00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:42,720
Aaargh!

469
00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:44,880
THEY SHOUT

470
00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:52,240
Please, don't... No... Bulent...
Uh...um...

471
00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:56,240
♪ Moon River, wider than a mile

472
00:24:56,240 --> 00:25:00,440
♪ I'm crossing you in style someday

473
00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:05,080
♪ Oh, dream-maker, you heart-breaker

474
00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:09,880
♪ Wherever you're going
I'm going your way

475
00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:14,800
TOGETHER: # Two drifters
Off to see the world

476
00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:19,600
♪ There's such a lot of world to see

477
00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:25,880
♪ We're after the same rainbow's end

478
00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:27,920
♪ Waiting round the bend

479
00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:30,680
♪ My huckleberry friend

480
00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:38,120
♪ Moon River and me! ♪

481
00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:48,960
You people are mental. Who are you?

482
00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:51,280
I'm Michael Baker.

483
00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:52,800
Now that's how you say it!

484
00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:57,280
Why are you still in here, anyway?
You know it's all over.

485
00:25:57,280 --> 00:26:01,000
Oh, yeah, it was a very quiet when
I was out there. For God's sake.

486
00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:04,760
Why didn't you tell us? We can all
leave. Come on, Katya, let's go.

487
00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:12,640
Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing?

488
00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:14,960
Have you seen the state
of the place, mate?

489
00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:16,240
How long have you been here?

490
00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:18,520
Just under an hour.

491
00:26:19,600 --> 00:26:21,720
JOHN: Oh, look at this.

492
00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:25,000
Hey, there really was a riot.

493
00:26:46,440 --> 00:26:50,240
This story shall the good man
teach his son

494
00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:53,280
And Crispin Crispian
will ne'er go by

495
00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:56,760
From this day to
the ending of the world

496
00:26:56,760 --> 00:26:59,240
But we in it shall be remember'd

497
00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:07,960
We few, we happy few
We band of brothers

498
00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:11,040
For he today that
sheds his blood with me

499
00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:14,360
Shall be my brother
Be he ne'er so vile

500
00:27:14,360 --> 00:27:17,320
This day shall gentle his condition

501
00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:20,640
And gentlemen in England now a-bed

502
00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:24,080
Will think themselves accursed
they were not here

503
00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:27,640
And hold their manhoods cheap
whiles any speaks

504
00:27:27,640 --> 00:27:31,800
That fought with us
upon Saint Crispin's day.

505
00:27:31,800 --> 00:27:35,000
In the windmills of your mind!

506
00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:47,040
BULENT: Oh, look at this!
Look at this!

507
00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:49,880
Hey! The fizzy slush machine's OK!

508
00:27:56,840 --> 00:27:58,120
KATYA: My pills!

509
00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:04,640
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