1
00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:19,000
And so it is that we say goodbye

2
00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:23,360
to a woman of great poise
and dignity.

3
00:00:23,360 --> 00:00:24,920
Katya...

4
00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:26,560
Seritska.

5
00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:27,880
Ha! Got it that time.

6
00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:33,840
May she rest...in peace.

7
00:00:36,720 --> 00:00:38,920
MACHINE WHIRS LOUDLY

8
00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:43,840
MACHINE JARS LOUDLY

9
00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:45,880
Sorry, this keeps happening.

10
00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:48,080
Erm... Let me have a look at it.

11
00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:49,920
Someone said it might be the belt.

12
00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:54,680
I tell you what's happened 'ere.

13
00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:56,360
You got a gearing problem.

14
00:00:56,360 --> 00:00:59,040
Your gearing's
going to need replacing.

15
00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:00,720
Ooh, sounds expensive.

16
00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:02,200
Hold on a second.

17
00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:05,200
MACHINE BUZZES

18
00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:08,280
Probably noisy in the short-term,
should be all right in a moment.

19
00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:10,720
Great, thanks, you're a life-saver.

20
00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:12,200
Apologies, everyone.

21
00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:24,320
Mate?

22
00:01:24,320 --> 00:01:26,000
Not there. Sorry?

23
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:27,520
Someone's sitting there.

24
00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:32,000
Who? There's no-one in the...

25
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:34,240
Eh, someone's sitting there,
didn't you tell him?

26
00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:36,200
I did, yeah.
No, you can't sit there.

27
00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:37,960
You have to sit there or there.

28
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:39,720
All right, all right.

29
00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:42,360
What's he doing I...? I AM MOVING!

30
00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:47,880
Eggy, John, how's tricks?
Oh, you know, surviving.

31
00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:52,000
Wow, hello, stranger.
Where have you been?

32
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:54,760
Oh, not been anywhere,
actually, I'm going somewhere.

33
00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:57,560
I've not been around because...
Well, it's boring.

34
00:01:57,560 --> 00:02:00,320
Where's Arthur? We've not seen him.

35
00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:01,720
Has he not been in yet?

36
00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:04,080
That's weird.
Not been in for days, Michael.

37
00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:06,560
Seriously, where have you been?

38
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:10,400
Oh, I've just been having a series
of angry meetings with my publisher.

39
00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:13,560
The book I handed in is not the book
they want, apparently.

40
00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:16,680
Now they're threatening
to put this awful cover on it.

41
00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:19,680
For days? Not since Katya's funeral.

42
00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:22,480
Oh, that's not so bad. What?

43
00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:25,680
It's awful. It doesn't
represent the book at all.

44
00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:28,760
They might as well have called
it "Ghostbusters III".

45
00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:31,360
Eggy, have you seen Arthur?

46
00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:34,640
I've been past his house
but the curtains were drawn.

47
00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:36,360
Do you think he's been kidnapped?

48
00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:39,880
No, no-one would kidnap Arthur, that
would mean spending time with him.

49
00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:43,280
God, look at this place.

50
00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:46,160
It's like somebody's died.
I can't believe I've just said that.

51
00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:50,440
This is what it's been like.
Not just Katya dying...

52
00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:52,120
it's Arthur not 'ere.

53
00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:55,160
It's not the same, Michael,
it's not the same at all.

54
00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:58,440
Everybody! What a
beautiful day to be alive!

55
00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:02,560
You, new - good beard.

56
00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:08,120
SINEM HUMS TO HIMSELF

57
00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:10,760
Eh, where are you going?

58
00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:14,320
I'm going to get Arthur, that's not
right, what just happened. That...

59
00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:16,600
That's not right at all.

60
00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:18,240
Wait for me.

61
00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:23,920
DOORBELL BUZZES

62
00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:26,680
Arthur? Arthur,
it's Michael and John.

63
00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:29,400
And Dickie. And Dickie,
it's Michael, John and Dickie.

64
00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:32,680
Still can't hear anything.
JOHN: Let me have a look.

65
00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:38,000
It's very dark in there.

66
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:40,560
You're wearing sunglasses.

67
00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:42,800
Arthur? Arthur, you there?

68
00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:44,520
I don't like this.

69
00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:47,360
He's not down the cafe,
he's not answering his door.

70
00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:48,600
I don't like this at all.

71
00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:50,920
Right, that's it, there's
somebody not right here -

72
00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:52,360
I'm going to call an ambulance.

73
00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:54,360
Yes, ambulance, please,
and possibly police.

74
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:59,560
Yes, hello, there's a man in his
70s, he's not opening his door.

75
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:02,400
We think he might have fallen
or something. Kidnapped! Ssh.

76
00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:06,400
Sorry, can you repeat that?

77
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:08,560
The address?
Yes, what's the address here?

78
00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:09,880
ARTHUR: 54 Rosea Street.

79
00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:14,600
54 Rosea Street. Better hurry,
please, it's an emergency.

80
00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:16,600
All right, I think
they're on their way.

81
00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:18,560
There's an old man in my house!

82
00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:20,720
Oh, what!? Is he in here?

83
00:04:20,720 --> 00:04:22,640
Woo!

84
00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:26,840
There's nothing there. You two check
the kitchen and I'll go upstairs.

85
00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:29,800
Righto, Arthur, what are we looking
for? There's a man in the house!

86
00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:31,280
Is there? No, Arthur...

87
00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:33,520
Oh, yes, hello, panic solved.
ARTHUR SCREAMS

88
00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:35,520
He's just been up the shops.
You're pathetic!

89
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:38,240
I'm not speaking to the same person,
am I? Ambulance, please.

90
00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:40,120
And possibly police,
but only to cancel.

91
00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:41,960
Has anyone looked in 'ere?
There's no man.

92
00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:44,080
Ambulance? Yes, I'd like
to cancel one, please.

93
00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:45,920
ARTHUR SHOUTS
No, not order another one.

94
00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:47,960
Sorry, is this the right number
to cancel them?

95
00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:50,480
Who's up 'ere?! An ambulance
and possibly some policemen.

96
00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:51,680
You're in big trouble now!

97
00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:53,440
No, no, I don't want
to order another one,

98
00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:54,960
I just want to cancel the first lot.

99
00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:57,560
The address? Yes, hang on a minute.
Arthur? He's not up there.

100
00:04:57,560 --> 00:05:00,000
Any luck, John? Not at all,
there's no-one in the garden.

101
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,280
I'll check upstairs.

102
00:05:01,280 --> 00:05:04,600
Arthur, what's the address? 54 Rosea
Street and tell them to hurry.

103
00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:07,640
No, ignore him,
I'm definitely cancelling.

104
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:09,920
He might still be in the area!
THERE'S NO MAN!

105
00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:11,320
Yes, cancelling the ambulance.

106
00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:14,360
We don't want an ambulance,
send police! Don't send police!

107
00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:17,240
I'm cancelling the police. But I
don't know if I ordered the police,

108
00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:18,720
so I don't know if I have to cancel.

109
00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:21,160
Just cancel everybody who's
coming to 54 Rosea Street.

110
00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:23,000
There's no-one in there.
OH, MY GOD!!!

111
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:24,840
No, I'm fine, I'm just
screaming at the man.

112
00:05:24,840 --> 00:05:27,360
Don't send an ambulance,
PLEASE don't send an ambulance.

113
00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:29,120
JOHN: Is anyone there?

114
00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:32,000
Very nice to have you in the cafe.
Thank you, come again.

115
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:33,280
Hey, we miss you.

116
00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:35,760
Good luck with the date.

117
00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:39,680
Oh!

118
00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:43,360
What's up with you?
I hate this! How does he do this?

119
00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:46,760
What? All this goddamn, stinking
positivity goes right up my arse!

120
00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:52,040
Is this how he feels? Who?
Idiot Man - Arthur.

121
00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:56,360
Hold on, what are you talking about?
Sinem, I can't be Arthur.

122
00:05:56,360 --> 00:05:58,920
Why do you need to be Arthur?
Look at the place, it's dead.

123
00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:01,920
It's been like this for days
because HE is not here.

124
00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:03,480
No, no, no, no,
he has to come back -

125
00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:06,680
it's the only way I can
be me again - to be rude.

126
00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:09,160
To get annoyed at people.
It's who I am, it's what I do.

127
00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:12,320
You want to be rude to me
for a few minutes?

128
00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:14,800
SHUT UP! Stupid idea!
SOFTER: Thank you very much.

129
00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:18,520
Much better.

130
00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:20,320
We were worried about you, Arthur.

131
00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:22,440
We thought you'd been kidnapped.

132
00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:24,880
Or fallen. We thought you'd fallen.

133
00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:28,040
What are you on about? Well,
you haven't been down the cafe.

134
00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:30,000
Right, I think I've cancelled them.

135
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:32,560
Well, I don't have to
be in the cafe every day, do I?

136
00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:35,920
I do have other things to do.
And what if I had fallen?

137
00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:37,600
I'd have just got up, wouldn't I?

138
00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:41,880
I'm not an invalid. Sorry, Arthur,
we were just worried about you.

139
00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:43,800
Yes, well, there's
nothing to worry about.

140
00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:46,320
I'm fine, leave me alone.

141
00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:49,160
Oh, 'ere, you dropped this.

142
00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:52,440
Oh, thank you. You know, Arthur,
this isn't going to be the...

143
00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:55,360
Oh, come on, anyway - out, out, out!
Go on, I've got things to do.

144
00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:57,200
Go on, off you go.
All right, all right.

145
00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:03,440
SIRENS BLARE

146
00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:04,880
Oh, you're kidding me!

147
00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:12,640
So, how long are you going away for?

148
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:15,800
Oh, forever, I'm ...
I'm going back home.

149
00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:18,960
Back to York. You don't...?

150
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:20,800
You don't live in London?

151
00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:25,400
No. Oh, no, no, I'm just here
for Arthur and to write the book.

152
00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:28,160
And now it's done,
there's no reason for me to stay.

153
00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:30,840
Oh, yeah. Yeah, course.

154
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:35,760
I don't feel like I can leave
Arthur in this state though.

155
00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:39,160
I think Katya's death affected
him more than he's letting on.

156
00:07:39,160 --> 00:07:41,400
And that funeral...
Yes, that was awful.

157
00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:44,640
Wasn't what you call
a proper send-off, was it?

158
00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:47,680
No, I'm definitely going to stay
until I know Arthur's all right.

159
00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:50,280
Yeah, that's the right thing to do.

160
00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:51,720
And...

161
00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:55,680
..that's the only reason? What?

162
00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:58,880
That's the only reason you're here?

163
00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:00,240
Oh, erm...

164
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:08,560
Yeah, that's about it.

165
00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:10,720
OK.

166
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:21,360
All right, Arthur?

167
00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:23,200
Arthur! Arthur, you're back.

168
00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:25,760
Hey, Arthur! Number three with eggs?

169
00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:27,480
That's a number four.

170
00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:34,440
No, I shouldn't have come back,
she's still 'ere.

171
00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:38,000
What? Katya, she's still here.

172
00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:39,240
And she's not happy.

173
00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:42,840
She was my biggest fan, Michael.

174
00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:46,400
She was my only fan. I can't bear
the thought of her not being happy.

175
00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:50,120
What can we do, Arthur?
There's nothing we can do.

176
00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:53,200
There's one thing we can do.

177
00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:58,400
SINISTER ORCHESTRAL MUSIC

178
00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:12,560
MUSIC STOPS

179
00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:14,840
Hello, Sheila?

180
00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:16,680
Oh, that's great news.

181
00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:17,960
Oh, super.

182
00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:19,960
All right, speak later. OK, bye.

183
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:22,680
Nice to see the turban back.

184
00:09:22,680 --> 00:09:24,000
You what?

185
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:27,080
Remember when we first met, you wore
that turban for your Memory Man act.

186
00:09:27,080 --> 00:09:28,480
Memory Man act?

187
00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:32,200
Just forget it.

188
00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:35,200
Oh, yes, yes.
Oh, this is for sale, this is.

189
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,080
Yeah, this isn't me
Memory Man turban.

190
00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:39,480
Yes, it is. No, it isn't.

191
00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:41,320
This is me Memory Man turb...

192
00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:43,880
Oh, no, that's
me round-the-house one.

193
00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:48,400
This is me Memory Man turban.

194
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:52,760
I think I would know which turban
I'm wearing, thank you very much.

195
00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:54,640
Right, shall we get started then?

196
00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:56,640
I'm missing One Born Every Minute.

197
00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:58,600
I didn't know you did
all this stuff, Arthur.

198
00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:02,000
Oh, yes, my mother was a medium.

199
00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:04,840
You always told me
she was a big woman.

200
00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:06,560
I don't mean her dress size!

201
00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:09,080
She was big-boned, yes -
she was an extra large.

202
00:10:09,080 --> 00:10:11,120
Now, will you shut up
and let me do this?

203
00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:15,520
My mother was an extra-large medium.

204
00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:20,840
When I was a small boy,
she would put me into a trance,

205
00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:22,720
and I would speak in tongues,

206
00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:25,960
and all the wisdom of the
Ancients would flow through me.

207
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:30,600
So deep was this trance-like
state that the only thing

208
00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:34,320
that would bring me out of it
was being bit by the parrot.

209
00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:37,760
Parrot?

210
00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:39,480
We had a parrot.

211
00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:40,960
What was he called?

212
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:43,480
His name was Captain Cheeky.

213
00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:47,840
Are you going to take this
seriously, or not? I'm sorry.

214
00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:49,160
HE CLEARS THROAT

215
00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:51,080
I'm taking it seriously, Arthur.

216
00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:53,080
I take it very seriously.

217
00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:56,640
My sister...lived in

218
00:10:56,640 --> 00:11:00,440
one of those old Victorian
houses in Stoke Newington.

219
00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:04,760
One night, she was woken
by the sound of scratching.

220
00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:06,440
She sat up, and there,

221
00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:09,680
at the dressing table
at the end of her bed,

222
00:11:09,680 --> 00:11:12,400
was an old woman brushing her hair.

223
00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:15,560
Then, the woman
turned around and there,

224
00:11:15,560 --> 00:11:20,600
where her eyes should have been,
there were two dark holes.

225
00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:23,480
She pointed at my sister,

226
00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:26,840
and said, "You have my eyes."

227
00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:37,880
DOOR BUZZES LOUDLY

228
00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:39,440
Oh, that'll be Bulent.

229
00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:40,920
Oh. Bulent, lovely(!)

230
00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:43,120
Oh, that's given me
a right turn, that.

231
00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:47,720
I'm imposing a rule -
no scary stories at the seance.

232
00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:54,440
Oh, Bulent, please, it's for Katya.

233
00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:56,720
20 minutes, then I'm going.
Good for you, Bulent.

234
00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:59,720
And if I see anything I don't like,
I'm off, so is my sister.

235
00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:01,480
Oh, shut up, you're not Dad.

236
00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:03,680
Worry not, Bulent...

237
00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:06,760
while no-one could describe what we
are doing here tonight

238
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,480
as conventional...

239
00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:13,400
I can assure you, it is done with
the utmost seriousness and gravity.

240
00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:19,440
Now, someone pour the drinks
while I get the Haunted Blackboard.

241
00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:23,640
Oh, Polish vodka, how appropriate.

242
00:12:23,640 --> 00:12:26,040
Is that all right for everyone?
ALL: Yes, thank you.

243
00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:32,920
One for the road? Ha, yeah.

244
00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:35,000
Looks like we're going
to probably need it.

245
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:39,360
Bottoms up. Oh, yes.

246
00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:41,240
Oof, bottoms.

247
00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:46,640
Ah.

248
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:48,400
All right...

249
00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:51,320
I shall now draw
a protective pentangle.

250
00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:55,920
This pentangle will be
our last line of defence

251
00:12:55,920 --> 00:13:00,440
should any evil spirits attempt
to invade our mortal realm.

252
00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:04,400
I'm definitely going to miss it now.
It'll be repeated.

253
00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:06,440
It's not the same
when you can't tweet about it.

254
00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:22,240
Oh, look, we'll forget doing
the protective pentangle,

255
00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:24,440
it's not that important.

256
00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:26,720
What? What? No protection?

257
00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:28,240
He said it was "for protection".

258
00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:29,960
He said it was "crucial".

259
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:31,320
Arthur, can I put the telly on?

260
00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:33,840
No, you can't put the telly on -
we're doing a seance.

261
00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:35,840
Look, don't we need
it for protection?

262
00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:38,440
God knows what this idiot
will do in the spirit world.

263
00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:41,920
Look, I got it wrong, we don't need
a protective pentangle now.

264
00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:43,880
No, no, no, I'll do it, I'll do it.

265
00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:45,520
I'll turn the sound down.

266
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:48,600
No, it'll interfere with
the radiowaves, John.

267
00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:52,240
Besides, you can't watch One Born
Every Minute with the sound down -

268
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:54,520
the screaming
and breathing's the best bit.

269
00:13:57,480 --> 00:13:58,920
There.

270
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:03,560
What's that? It's a rectangle.

271
00:14:03,560 --> 00:14:06,600
Not a rectangle.
I could draw a bloody rectangle.

272
00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:10,040
What use is a rectangle?

273
00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:14,640
You can't see off the forces
of darkness with a bloody rectangle.

274
00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:16,080
Oh, sit down.

275
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:19,320
Right, everybody...

276
00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:23,440
I want you to put your hands
on the table to form a circle.

277
00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:27,200
Once formed, under no circumstances
must the circle be broken.

278
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:30,960
Whatever happens, do not
break the circle - I implore you.

279
00:14:32,560 --> 00:14:35,360
If you do, the repercussions
will be dire indeed.

280
00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:38,960
Close your eyes.

281
00:14:41,640 --> 00:14:43,320
Oooh.

282
00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:47,400
Ooooh.

283
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,040
Is there anybody...? John!

284
00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:55,840
Sorry, Arthur.

285
00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:58,120
We've only got
a rectangle for protection

286
00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:00,240
and you've broken the bloody circle.

287
00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:03,880
It's a repeat anyway.

288
00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:06,040
Oh, is it the one with
the woman from Leeds?

289
00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:08,040
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, this one's brilliant.

290
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:14,640
ARTHUR SOBS

291
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,600
It was a good one, that, wasn't it?

292
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:21,720
Right, I need a drink, anybody else?
Yes, please. Yes.

293
00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:23,800
The programme was
extremely unpleasant.

294
00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:29,400
I tell you something,
this seance is a right shambles.

295
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:31,960
There's nothing for it.

296
00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:36,560
We're going to have to resort
to more extreme measures.

297
00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:42,000
The Spirit Board.

298
00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:46,040
Oh, I don't know about this, Arthur.

299
00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:47,680
Wasn't that how
The Exorcist started?

300
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:49,440
No, they probably used
the cheap one.

301
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:53,280
That's top of the range is that.

302
00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:54,400
How's this?

303
00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:58,440
It's just another rectangle.

304
00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:02,280
Anyway, wipe all that off, we'll
need that for the spirit messages.

305
00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:03,600
Right...

306
00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:07,280
Come on, everybody, let's
communicate with the spirit world

307
00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:10,520
and see what messages and
wisdom they have to impart.

308
00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:13,640
Where did you get
these glasses from? Eh...

309
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:17,960
Oh... Eh, Woolworths, I think.

310
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:21,000
Yesterday. Anyway, come on,
wisdom of the spirits.

311
00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:32,400
"I smell bricks."

312
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:34,920
"I smell bricks."

313
00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:38,560
It doesn't say, "I smell bricks",
it says, "I smell good".

314
00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:40,520
Uh, come on - think, people, think.

315
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:43,000
What does "I smell bricks" mean?

316
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:44,920
Oh, maybe it's Polish.

317
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:48,080
Someone look up "I smell bricks"
in an English-to-Polish dictionary.

318
00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:50,240
It's English!

319
00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:52,440
How can it be Polish?
English can't be Polish!

320
00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:53,960
I like it, I like it.

321
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:55,920
Now you're thinking
with your brains.

322
00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:58,400
I want to do the thing where
you touch fingers again.

323
00:16:58,400 --> 00:16:59,840
That's a good idea.

324
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:02,080
We'll contact Katya one last time.

325
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:05,160
See if she can shed some
light on this confusion,

326
00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:07,000
about why she smelt bricks.

327
00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:12,160
Ooh, don't they sometimes
do seances with the lights off?

328
00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:14,800
That's it, that's where
we've been going wrong.

329
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:17,440
Brilliant. Eggy, do the lights.

330
00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:19,800
I permit you to leave the circle.

331
00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:24,240
Ooh.

332
00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:26,320
Ooooh.

333
00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:28,680
Oooooh.

334
00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:32,120
Ooh, Katya, give us
a sign that you are here.

335
00:17:32,120 --> 00:17:33,680
GLASS TINKLES
AND CHAIR SQUEAKS

336
00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:35,320
Give us a sign.

337
00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:37,720
Ooh, oooh!
It's happening!

338
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:39,000
It's happening!

339
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:41,160
GLASS TINKLES AND
CHAIR SQUEAKS

340
00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:42,880
Put the lights on, Eggy - quick!

341
00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:45,720
What happened? What happened?

342
00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:47,440
Did anyone come th...?

343
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:50,240
Look at those two.

344
00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:55,320
Oh, my God, what just happened?

345
00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:58,000
Oh, my God, what a...
Um, oh, that's so weird.

346
00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:01,240
A mystery. And something
brushed me and... Me too.

347
00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:03,800
Ah... That's uncanny.
I know, it's uncanny.

348
00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:16,000
Arthur, that's not the way you do it.
Ssh, ssh, everybody.

349
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:18,840
I'm on the verge of a breakthrough.

350
00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:20,360
Woooh!

351
00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:23,600
Woooh!

352
00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:30,160
Arthur, you're not a good medium.

353
00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:34,400
You're not bad, but you're not
great. You're "medium"!

354
00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:36,080
Ah-choo!

355
00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:40,840
Katya, what is it you want?

356
00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:42,680
What is it you want?

357
00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:46,040
Is it me to do a song?

358
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:47,800
Knock once for yes...

359
00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:50,160
MULTIPLE KNOCKS

360
00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:52,360
What does that mean?

361
00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:54,960
Oh, she wants me to do a medley!

362
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:57,040
Oh, no, it'll be the pizza.

363
00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:59,240
Wahey! Pizza!

364
00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:02,040
SLURRED: Aw, you know,
your sister's brilliant, Bulent.

365
00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:05,880
This situation was calling
out for pizza and only she had...

366
00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:09,200
Had the... What's the word, Arthur?

367
00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:10,960
The gumption. The gumption.

368
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:13,360
She had the gumption to order it.

369
00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:15,320
Why aren't you drunk, Bulent?

370
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:17,480
Because I am not
a nine-year-old girl.

371
00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:18,720
Oooh!

372
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:23,800
Pizza!

373
00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:25,160
ALL: Wahey!

374
00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:28,800
Oh.

375
00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:32,080
Oh, I feel bad though.
Oh, don't feel bad.

376
00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:35,200
I hate it when you feel bad,
you should never feel bad.

377
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:36,640
Why do you feel bad?

378
00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:39,400
Well, here we all
are eating pizza...

379
00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:42,600
..and Katya couldn't eat pizza.

380
00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:46,600
That's right, she could
never handle the solids.

381
00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:48,000
I'm going to do this.

382
00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:55,680
What? I'm going to "liquidirise"
the pizza for Katya.

383
00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:58,840
Not "liquidirise" -
"liquid-di-iase".

384
00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:03,200
I'm away to "liquid-di-iase"
pizza for Katya.

385
00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:05,920
That is an absolutely brilliant idea.
Take the crust off it.

386
00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:07,600
Do the toppings.

387
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:10,240
Excuse me, excuse me, I think

388
00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:13,440
I would know how
to "liquid-i-brows" a pizza.

389
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:17,960
There we are.

390
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:19,080
LIQUIDISER WHIRRS

391
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:24,880
That's it.
There you go, Katya.

392
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:26,800
Come have some pizza.

393
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:29,120
To Katya! ALL: To Katya.

394
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,680
AUDIENCE: Eurgh!

395
00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:34,880
Ooh, it's not a
bad drop of pizza, that.

396
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:39,840
Katya...

397
00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:43,000
and her soups. Tomato soup!

398
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:45,560
I didn't even know
you served tomato soup.

399
00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:47,440
We don't, it was her own.

400
00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:49,080
We used to heat it up for her.

401
00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:51,840
That's very generous of you.

402
00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:54,160
I liked Katya,
she was a strong woman.

403
00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:56,960
She was the only one
who liked my little shows.

404
00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:59,280
As I said, "She was a strong woman".

405
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:01,000
Here, you know,

406
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:04,680
she always fell asleep on the way
home from the cafe on the bus.

407
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:07,400
I used to have to go and collect
her. Do you remember, Eggy?

408
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:09,600
Different stop every time.

409
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:12,640
Once, she told me, she didn't
really fall asleep at all -

410
00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:14,960
she just wanted to spend some
extra time with me...

411
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:17,080
ALL: Aww.
..listening to me going on.

412
00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:20,480
She was my biggest fan.

413
00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:23,080
And now she's gone.

414
00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:26,760
Oh, there'll be more fans, Arthur,
you're just getting started.

415
00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:29,680
Thank you, Michael, I think
we both know the truth.

416
00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:32,320
Your dad, he was the real thing.

417
00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:34,640
He entertained millions, he did.

418
00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:36,840
I'm just a footnote, if that.

419
00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:38,320
Oh, Arthur, that's not true.

420
00:21:38,320 --> 00:21:40,800
You'll see, that's...
That's not true.

421
00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:43,760
That's a really nice
thing about you, Michael -

422
00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:46,160
you can't tell a lie
to save your life.

423
00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:47,480
Arthur, I'm not...

424
00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:51,520
What is that? What?

425
00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:52,840
That!

426
00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:58,520
That's Katya's leg.

427
00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:00,080
What?

428
00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:02,400
They couldn't cremate it.

429
00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:06,000
Something about it not being green.

430
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:07,960
But it is green.

431
00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:10,520
Well, it's a bit green.

432
00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:15,000
Arthur, you can't hang onto
something like that. Arthur...

433
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:16,600
What's up with you all?

434
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:18,440
Well, it's just that...

435
00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:20,080
she was attached to that leg.

436
00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:27,120
Oh, I'm sorry,
I thought that was a joke.

437
00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:31,640
That's why she can't go, Arthur.

438
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:34,160
Because you're not letting her go.

439
00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:37,720
- He's right.
Arthur, you have to let her go.

440
00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:39,640
You can't hold on to her like that.

441
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:43,520
But I never said
goodbye to her, Michael.

442
00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:46,400
None of us did.

443
00:22:46,400 --> 00:22:48,840
Not properly.

444
00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:51,840
Well... Well, let's
do something about that.

445
00:23:05,520 --> 00:23:08,320
"Woolworths"? Yes, Woolworths.

446
00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:10,520
Stop going on about it.

447
00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:15,720
ARTHUR CLEARS HIS THROAT

448
00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:21,200
I think it's left to me...

449
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:23,280
to say a few words.

450
00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:28,080
HE GROANS

451
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:31,520
HE SIGHS

452
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:34,640
Oh, dear.

453
00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:38,440
Arthur, do you mind
if I say something? No, nope.

454
00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:41,560
Eh...

455
00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:45,000
Well, obviously, I didn't know
Katya as well as you all did.

456
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:47,360
In fact, I don't know
YOU as well as Katya did.

457
00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:49,920
So, I feel a bit of an intruder.

458
00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:52,080
ALL: No, no, no. Thank you.

459
00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:56,800
One thing I have found,
in the short time of being here...

460
00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:58,720
getting to know you all.

461
00:23:58,720 --> 00:23:59,960
Well...

462
00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:02,680
All I can say is...

463
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:07,480
..I know why Katya
found it hard to leave.

464
00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:11,960
Safe travels, Katya.

465
00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:13,880
ALL: Safe travels, Katya.

466
00:24:20,040 --> 00:24:21,800
Ooh, sorry, Arthur.

467
00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:23,800
That's all right,
they're from the cafe.

468
00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:32,840
Bye, Arthur.
Bye, everyone, see you tomorrow.

469
00:24:32,840 --> 00:24:35,360
Not me, John, I'm off home.

470
00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:36,880
Oh, yeah?

471
00:24:36,880 --> 00:24:40,080
Well, it's nice knowing you, mate.

472
00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:41,640
Bye then, Michael.

473
00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:43,200
I'll show you to the door.

474
00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:46,880
Sinem, shall we go?

475
00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:10,640
SHE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

476
00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:27,400
Well...

477
00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:28,760
Well...

478
00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:47,240
Good luck, Arthur.

479
00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:48,560
Good luck to you.

480
00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:52,080
I look forward to the book.

481
00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:54,280
He was a funny man, your dad.

482
00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:57,080
The world could use
a book about him.

483
00:25:57,080 --> 00:25:59,440
Yeah. Yeah.

484
00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:08,040
Thanks for everything, Arthur.

485
00:26:27,080 --> 00:26:29,320
HE SIGHS

486
00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:38,800
Goodbye, Katya.

487
00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:00,320
Oh, excuse me...

488
00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:03,240
Nothing.

489
00:27:11,200 --> 00:27:12,920
Good evening, Bolent.

490
00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:15,760
One of your all-day breakfasts,
please.

491
00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:19,920
I don't know why but number one
seems to be beckoning me tonight.

492
00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:23,640
Number one, please, with fried bread
and baked beans. That's...

493
00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:24,960
Oh, forget it.

494
00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:28,240
All right, princess?

495
00:27:38,360 --> 00:27:40,160
Here you go.

496
00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:41,600
What's that?

497
00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:43,080
Michael left it.

498
00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:04,840
AUDIENCE: Aww.

499
00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:06,760
Eh!

500
00:28:06,760 --> 00:28:08,840
He's only...

501
00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:10,720
He's only gone and...

502
00:28:20,760 --> 00:28:23,520
JOHN: Who do you fancy at
Kempton on Saturday, Arthur?

503
00:28:24,760 --> 00:28:26,040
Arthur?

504
00:28:37,840 --> 00:28:40,880
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