It's a good idea is this, giving us all a psychiatric test.
You want them mad, but not too mad.
That's just what I'm like. Everybody says that.
They say, "Arthur you're mad, you."
But you're not too mad, just the right amount of mad for...
whatever this programme is you're doing.
Celebrity Flat Share. That's the one.
Yes, so we're just going to have a little chat to check you'll
be able to withstand the day-to-day rigours of life in the flat
with whichever celebrity is chosen to go in with you.
I've been getting a lot of offers like this
ever since I punched that politician in the head.
I suppose you're here to make sure I don't start punching
whoever else you get. Chris Akabusi or whatnot.
The main thing...
I can honestly say, hand on heart, I would only punch Chris Akabusi
if he started it.
Well, that's good, isn't it?
So, I do hope that's set your mind at rest on the Akabusi front.
Mind you, that is a bit of a coup getting him on board.
How did you manage that?
And why does he have a problem with me?
What have I ever done to him? I've never even met the man!
If you ask me, it's him you should be having a word with,
going round, saying that.
Let's try some word association, shall we?
I'll say a word, you say the first word that comes into your head.
Bollocks. Oh, sorry, carry on.
Did Les Dennis do this?
It's a requirement, yes.
You don't know what he scored, do you?
There's isn't a score as such, it's not that kind of test.
Ah, failed it, did he? I thought so.
This is not something you can fail. Now, please.
Tennis.
Pennis.
Pennis? That's not a word. It isn't. It isn't.
It is! I've watched them playing it.
You've watched them playing tennis.
Who?
What?
Who have I watched playing tennis? I don't know.
Well, how do you expect me to know?
Did you mean penis? I beg your pardon?
Did you mean penis?
How dare you! Anyway, that's not a word.
It isn't.
Oh, yes, it is. Oh, yeah, you're right.
It's one of those words that sounds strange
when you say it out of context.
Let's move on, shall we? Penis. Please, yes.
What programme?
Celebrity Flat Share.
I haven't seen it.
Well, it's a programme that categories Arthur as a celebrity.
Of course you haven't seen it. But he's not doing it!
What? The programme!
He was in this morning and he was so angry about it!
It was great fun!
He failed the psychiatric evaluation.
He's demanding to see it.
What's all this?
Because Arthur now thinks he's a celebrity, I'm getting all his mail.
He doesn't want to give his address out to anyone any more,
because of lunatics. Arthur is afraid of lunatics.
Have you made your mind up yet? Oh, I just don't know.
I'm losing the will to live.
I'll tell you why he failed the brain test. He's unstable.
He's too dangerous to go on television.
No. Arthur's lovely. He's deranged.
Got to be something in the middle? Lovely and deranged?
Ah, you English! What?
You love to sit on the fence! Pick a side, for God's sake!
Yes, and please, please, Michael, will you make up...?
Oh, I'm so sorry, Sinem. I just don't know. Erm...
OK, I will have a little bit of milk, yes, please.
Sinem, can I have a glass of water for Eggy, please?
Is everything all right? Not really.
Some bloke came round to fix his boiler, made him sign to pay him
by the hour and then took him for 200 quid. Boiler isn't even fixed.
I'm so stupid. Don't be so hard on yourself, mate.
£200! He stood over me at the cash point,
said he'd call a policeman if I didn't pay.
Eggy, it's not your fault. It's what they do.
Sinem, remember when this happened to Mum? Oh, yeah.
If I could get my hands on him...
I think we've seen the last of him around here.
And what's the chances of somebody else we know using the same guy?
Yeah, I can see the problem. Relatively simple fix.
Should be out of your hair in an hour or so.
First Celebrity Flat Share falls through and then me boiler packs in.
Been a terrible month, this has.
Yeah. So, just have to get the paperwork out the way.
Do you know, it's funny.
I always thought I'd make a good plumber.
I don't know why. Perhaps it's because I'm a strong swimmer.
Here, now, you might be able to tell me this.
Do they have plumbers on submarines? I don't know.
Because there's a twisted logic going on there, isn't there?
It's like they're in the pipe trying to keep the water outside,
rather than on the outside trying to keep the water in.
Are the exams different, do you think?
Because it is a different discipline, isn't it?
Yeah. So anyway, can you just sign this?
Oh, hello. The penny's dropped, has it?
Oh, I get this all the time.
Never mind your bit of paper, I've got some photos over here,
I'll sign one of those for you.
No, no! I need you to sign this so I can start.
What did you say your name was again?
"To Phil, I'll never forget all the laughs, Arthur."
I don't want your autograph!
Oh, it's for a friend, is it? What's his name?
Ooh, or her name?
Is there a Mrs Phil you haven't told me about?
It's all right, you're entitled to a private life.
I've obviously touched a nerve there, I'll not prod you further.
What did you say her name was?
I need you to sign this or I can't bloody charge you!
Well, why didn't you say so?
Wasting my time asking me for me autograph for your wife.
Why can't I just be an ordinary person for once?
Must I constantly be harassed by members of the public trying
to get something from me?
I'm just a regular Joe like you, Phil!
Well, not like you, because I'm famous and you're a plumber.
But I do have a life, you know, Joe.
I can't keep signing autographs morning, noon and night for you
and your wife. Just sign the document.
All right, all right! Have you got a pen?
No, I haven't!
You didn't want my autograph!
I know I didn't! Then why would I sign an autograph?
I don't know, you just did! Yeah!
Oh, wait a minute, there it is. There you are. That's for you.
I don't want it!
You just asked me for it! I asked for the pen.
There you go. No, I don't want the pen!
You just said you did. I wanted it for you!
Oh, thank you very much.
To sign! To sign!
Haven't I done that yet?
Oh, well, that's because I've not seen your credentials.
I don't sign just anything, you know.
There are a lot of funny people out there.
Oh, no, where are me glasses I look at photos through?
There's no glass in those.
What possible use are those?
I'll just put them carefully back.
These are the ones with no glass in them!
What possible use are those?!
I'll just put them carefully back.
Oh, listen, um, you sound like you might look like the photo
I can't see on your identity card, so I'll trust you.
Well, it's a standard document.
It just states you've agreed to have the work done,
and that you'll pay the usual rate upon receipt of the signature.
Right ho. There we go!
Now, you'll have a cup of tea before you start, won't you?
That'd be lovely, Arthur.
All work and no play makes Jack and Jill went up the hill.
I'll put a pail of water on. Won't be a tic!
You take your time!
Steve, it's Phil. Yeah, that's a goer at Rozier Street.
Might get a couple of days out of this one, he's off his nut.
Listen, better take the card out of the newsagents.
I think more than two jobs in the same area is pushing it.
Yeah, see ya.
Hello, Phil!
Would you like sugar and a biscuit?
Because I'm afraid I haven't got either of those things.
You can't hide from this, Sinem! Manipulative and cunning!
Bulent! Grandiose sense of self! What's this?
It's from a website about serial killers!
Listen, who does this remind you of?
Lack of remorse, shame or guilt.
Arthur? Arthur. That's definitely Arthur.
Poor behavioural controls! Lack of realistic life plan!
Parasitic lifestyle!
These are the core qualities of a sociopath.
The core qualities of a sociopath. I tell you, he's a time bomb.
He's dangerous. Tick, tick, tick.
He's one of the sweetest people we get in here.
Michael, please.
Get off the fence, Fence Boy! Listen.
Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they caused,
does not accept blame themselves, but blames others
for acts they have obviously committed!
It's like he's in the room.
Huh. What is it?
It's from the TV people. OK.
I think it might be a psychiatric evaluation.
Open it!
Who has poor behavioural controls?
You can't read it. No, of course I can't. That would be like...
secretly looking right into his mind. Open it!
You can't! No, no, of course not.
That would be an outrageous breach of trust!
No, it would be like...
finally finding out once and for all
the true nature of Count Arthur Strong. Michael!
Thanks for the tea, Arthur. Oh, it's all right, is it?
I didn't make one for myself because of what the water looked like.
Well, I expect you'll be, er, wanting to... you know?
Yeah, well, it won't fix itself, will it?
Do you know where the stopcock is? It's through that door there.
Here, I'll make you another cup of that tea you like.
Yeah, that'd be lovely.
Argh!
Ow! What? Read it! No.Why not?
Because Sinem told me not to. And she's right.
And she's looking at us and she's walking towards us.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
What?
Ah, it's very, very funny joke. Very, very funny.
I like funny jokes.
Well, you'll like this one!
Oh, it's... It is a bit of a man's joke, Sinem.
It's a little bit crude. I wouldn't want you to...
Well, I can take it!
It's really, really very crude. It's horrible.
Oh, it's horrible? Come on, then.
Okey-dokey, you asked for it!
What do you call birds, girls who enjoy
assignations with gentlemen of...
...questionable repute?
I don't know.
Rotten ladies.
Give me that letter!
No! He has to read it! Leave it to me!
Leave me alone, both of you. I'm not going to read it.
Read it! Don't read it! Shut up! Both of you!
I tell you, one day, he's really going to hurt someone,
and you guys will be to blame!
Just wait and see. Tick, tick, tick...
Hello.
You've come round. That's good.
What's going on?
You fell down the cellar steps. There was one missing.
I forgot to tell you about that.
The people that have fallen down those cellar steps.
I'm just about to fix it. What have you done to my legs!
Ah, now, I took the precaution of putting splints on them,
just in case they're broken.
Just some old bits of fencing and rope I had lying about.
Don't worry, those knots are completely secure.
I used a double barrel hitch and a fisherman's knob.
Houdini himself wouldn't be able to get out of those, oh, yes.
Where are my clothes? Did you put me in these pyjamas?
I did, yes. A friend gets me them from the hospital.
Well, they'd only incinerate them if I didn't have them.
What? Did someone die in these? They did, yes.
You wouldn't think in this day and age you could die of psoriasis.
Oh, God!
Now, can I get you anything?
Yes, you can get me out of this! Right now!
No, no, Phil, you're still in a state of shock.
I'm no doctor, but freeing you now
would result in a massive heart attack.
Is there anything else I can do for you?
Your phone? Right, now that I can do.
Where... where would I find that? It was in my jacket pocket.
Oh, no, there was nothing in your jacket.
It must have come out when you fell. Right-ho.
And my wallet, get me that. There was a lot of money in it.
Right-ho, Phil, your wallet and your phone,
right at the top of my to-do list, after you've had some lovely soup.
I don't want any soup. Just get me my clothes.
Erm, your clothes.
Um, I'm afraid there's not much left of your clothes.
I had to cut them off with some scissors.
I saw it on an episode of Casualty.
I'm not stopping here!
Now, now, Phil, I don't want to hear another word about it.
You can stay here as long as it takes.
Now, I'll get you that soup. I don't want any soup!
And after you've eaten it all up, we can have a game of Cluedo.
Oh, it's lovely having people to stay!
Cluedo doesn't work with two people!
Here we are. Some lovely home-made soup.
This'II put hairs on your hairs.
Did you get my phone? I did, yes. I found it.
Oh, this is a snazzy one, isn't it? Can I have it?
Does it take photos and all that? Because some of them do, you know.
I saw one with a calculator.
Oh, it does. Shall we do a selfie like they did at the Oscars?
Can you give me it? Hang on a minute.
Hey, you know, years ago, this phone would have had wires on it,
and it would have been connected to the wall
and you wouldn't have been able to take photographs on it.
That would have been called a camera!
Oh, we lived in a different world.
Please give me my phone! Not until you've had a bit of soup.
I don't want soup.
Now, now, you've got to eat your soup or you'll grow effeminate.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
I just want my phone!
No. I'm going to have to be firm. Soup first, then phone.
Ah! Go on, then! Here, I'll give you a hand.
Ah! It's hot! It's hot! I'll blow on it, then.
Argh!
Sorry! Oh, it's gone all over your pyjamas.
Here, let me wipe it up.
Nothing worse than beef broth over a dead man's jim-jams.
I don't even want the soup! Just give me my phone.
Oh, all right.
But as soon as you've finished your call, you eat your soup.
PHIL SOBS Oh, never mind, Phil!
There's lots more soup where that came from.
I'll boil up some more bones.
Help!
BANGING ON WINDOW Help!
Oh, Phil, what are you doing there?
That's you back in bed as if nothing ever happened!
Oh, God.
I have to say, I'm a tiny bit annoyed with you.
There I was downstairs, slicing up a nice bit of liver for our dinner,
when I heard you thumping about on the floor.
How do you expect to get better with that sort of carry on?
It won't do, Phil. It won't do at all.
Look, I can't stay here!
You've got to phone my office and let them know what's happened.
You've got a phone, haven't you? Of course I have.
I get most of my offers of work over the phone.
You can't be without a phone in my profession.
Then, please, call my office. How am I supposed to do that?
With the phone. It's been disconnected.
Oh, hang on a second. There's a phone box outside.
I can nip out to that and tell your office what's happened.
Thank you. Thank you.
I have to say, you're doing awfully well, Phil.
I'm very impressed with how you haven't tried to scratch
what must be by now extremely itchy legs.
No, they're all right.
Because when my friend was in a similar situation to you,
after a disastrous attempt to disrupt The Grand National,
he would not stop going on about his excruciatingly itchy legs.
"My legs are driving me mad," he'd say.
"It feels like ants are crawling up and down them,
"nipping me incessantly."
Yeah, yeah, I can feel something.
Oh, for goodness' sake, you don't want to start thinking about it.
Thinking about it would make it far, far worse.
You don't want that. Anyway, I'll phone your office
and tell them you won't be in for a few weeks.
No!
It's happening! What's happening? The time bomb! It's going off!
What are you talking about? There's a man in Arthur's house! I saw him!
I saw a hand. What do you mean, a hand?
In the window, I saw a hand reaching for help. I don't want to hear it!
Maybe it's Arthur! He might be hurt! I'm going to check he's all right.
I'm coming with you!
We have to Jimmy the lock!
I've got a key. Jimmy the lock!
Arthur?
- What are you doing? - What are you doing?
Don't warn him we're coming! He might be hurt!
He might hurt US!
Look.
A box full of glasses.
The glasses of all the people he's killed.
I don't know, I'm not sure they're Arthur's!
Look at this! What possible use are these?
Well, I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for all of it.
Let's open the letter.
"Poor behavioural controls...
"Lack of remorse, shame... Or guilt!"
He's a remorseless, shameless, non-guilty monster!
We end this, Michael.
We end this now.
Oh, this is ridiculous! I know Arthur.
I don't care what that letter says.
Put the whisk away before you hurt someone.
Help!
Please! Please help me!
What's going on? You see? You see?!
Get these off of me before he comes back!
There's a knife over there. Arthur did this to you?
He's a monster! Aha! Well, where's he gone? What's happened?
These pyjamas are from the hospital. Somebody died in them!
Arthur did this to your legs? Yeah. He said he saw it on Casualty.
He was going to make me play Cluedo with him!
Cluedo doesn't work with two people.
Oh, my God! You've got to help me! He's a sociopath! He's an actual,
real Silence of The Lambs-style sociopath.
It's been awful!
It was like he wanted me to stay here, forever, with him.
Whatever I said he just... Don't worry. You're safe with us.
- I'm back, Phil!
I hope you didn't miss me too much.
I think your office was closed for the night!
How about I mash a banana up for you with a bit of milk?
Would you like to try that? He thinks he's feeding a baby.
I'll be up in a minute. Just hanging me coat up.
What are we going to do? What are we going to do? Quick, the window.
You can climb out the front.
My legs are numb. Bulent, hold him!
I've left a message with your work of a death in the family.
They don't need to know the details, do they?
Quick, quick, hurry up. Quickly! Argh!
Phil?
♪ Where are you? ♪
Are you hiding?
It was very strange, Eggy.
He just ran off and left all this behind.
But if it was the same man, I'd say he was almost asking me
to return this money to you, along with an extra 100,
for all the trouble he caused you.
Oh, Arthur, I... I don't know what to say!
There's nothing to say, Eggy. It's just one of those things.
So... he was the same guy that was supposed to fix Eggy's boiler?
Yeah, it would appear so. And Arthur didn't know that?
He says he didn't.He knew!
Oh, he didn't!
I told you. Arthur's just a sweet old man.
He's a psychopath.
What do you think, Michael? Erm...
I'm still on the fence.
I tell you, being trapped in that house, with that old man,
somehow the whole experience just changed my life.
I quit that place, and now I run my own company.
All legitimate, no more scamming for me.
I'm glad to hear that.
Such a terrible experience, though. Do you ever think about it?
Who ordered the soup?
She did. I don't like soup.