1 00:00:13,860 --> 00:00:17,489 It's a good idea is this, giving us all a psychiatric test. 2 00:00:17,540 --> 00:00:20,373 You want them mad, but not too mad. 3 00:00:20,420 --> 00:00:23,093 That's just what I'm like. Everybody says that. 4 00:00:23,140 --> 00:00:25,256 They say, "Arthur you're mad, you." 5 00:00:25,300 --> 00:00:29,179 But you're not too mad, just the right amount of mad for... 6 00:00:29,220 --> 00:00:32,053 whatever this programme is you're doing. 7 00:00:33,220 --> 00:00:35,654 Celebrity Flat Share. That's the one. 8 00:00:35,700 --> 00:00:38,294 Yes, so we're just going to have a little chat to check you'll 9 00:00:38,340 --> 00:00:41,696 be able to withstand the day-to-day rigours of life in the flat 10 00:00:41,740 --> 00:00:44,049 with whichever celebrity is chosen to go in with you. 11 00:00:44,100 --> 00:00:46,330 I've been getting a lot of offers like this 12 00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:49,053 ever since I punched that politician in the head. 13 00:00:49,100 --> 00:00:52,536 I suppose you're here to make sure I don't start punching 14 00:00:52,580 --> 00:00:55,413 whoever else you get. Chris Akabusi or whatnot. 15 00:00:55,460 --> 00:00:56,779 The main thing... 16 00:00:56,820 --> 00:01:00,938 I can honestly say, hand on heart, I would only punch Chris Akabusi 17 00:01:00,980 --> 00:01:02,493 if he started it. 18 00:01:02,540 --> 00:01:03,973 Well, that's good, isn't it? 19 00:01:04,020 --> 00:01:08,730 So, I do hope that's set your mind at rest on the Akabusi front. 20 00:01:08,780 --> 00:01:12,216 Mind you, that is a bit of a coup getting him on board. 21 00:01:12,260 --> 00:01:13,454 How did you manage that? 22 00:01:13,500 --> 00:01:17,288 And why does he have a problem with me? 23 00:01:17,340 --> 00:01:20,889 What have I ever done to him? I've never even met the man! 24 00:01:20,940 --> 00:01:23,898 If you ask me, it's him you should be having a word with, 25 00:01:23,940 --> 00:01:27,012 going round, saying that. 26 00:01:31,860 --> 00:01:34,932 Let's try some word association, shall we? 27 00:01:34,980 --> 00:01:37,653 I'll say a word, you say the first word that comes into your head. 28 00:01:37,700 --> 00:01:40,931 Bollocks. Oh, sorry, carry on. 29 00:01:43,460 --> 00:01:45,257 Did Les Dennis do this? 30 00:01:46,380 --> 00:01:47,813 It's a requirement, yes. 31 00:01:47,860 --> 00:01:50,328 You don't know what he scored, do you? 32 00:01:50,380 --> 00:01:52,974 There's isn't a score as such, it's not that kind of test. 33 00:01:53,020 --> 00:01:55,693 Ah, failed it, did he? I thought so. 34 00:01:55,740 --> 00:01:59,779 This is not something you can fail. Now, please. 35 00:01:59,820 --> 00:02:00,820 Tennis. 36 00:02:03,500 --> 00:02:04,500 Pennis. 37 00:02:05,620 --> 00:02:09,852 Pennis? That's not a word. It isn't. It isn't. 38 00:02:09,900 --> 00:02:11,856 It is! I've watched them playing it. 39 00:02:11,900 --> 00:02:13,697 You've watched them playing tennis. 40 00:02:13,740 --> 00:02:15,139 Who? 41 00:02:16,900 --> 00:02:18,697 What? 42 00:02:18,740 --> 00:02:21,971 Who have I watched playing tennis? I don't know. 43 00:02:22,020 --> 00:02:24,853 Well, how do you expect me to know? 44 00:02:24,900 --> 00:02:27,334 Did you mean penis? I beg your pardon? 45 00:02:28,420 --> 00:02:29,694 Did you mean penis? 46 00:02:29,740 --> 00:02:32,254 How dare you! Anyway, that's not a word. 47 00:02:32,300 --> 00:02:33,699 It isn't. 48 00:02:33,740 --> 00:02:36,812 Oh, yes, it is. Oh, yeah, you're right. 49 00:02:36,860 --> 00:02:38,771 It's one of those words that sounds strange 50 00:02:38,820 --> 00:02:41,209 when you say it out of context. 51 00:02:41,260 --> 00:02:44,536 Let's move on, shall we? Penis. Please, yes. 52 00:02:46,540 --> 00:02:47,893 What programme? 53 00:02:47,940 --> 00:02:49,771 Celebrity Flat Share. 54 00:02:49,820 --> 00:02:50,855 I haven't seen it. 55 00:02:50,900 --> 00:02:53,494 Well, it's a programme that categories Arthur as a celebrity. 56 00:02:53,540 --> 00:02:55,735 Of course you haven't seen it. But he's not doing it! 57 00:02:55,780 --> 00:02:57,532 What? The programme! 58 00:02:57,580 --> 00:03:00,617 He was in this morning and he was so angry about it! 59 00:03:00,660 --> 00:03:02,537 It was great fun! 60 00:03:02,580 --> 00:03:05,697 He failed the psychiatric evaluation. 61 00:03:05,740 --> 00:03:07,173 He's demanding to see it. 62 00:03:08,700 --> 00:03:10,418 What's all this? 63 00:03:10,460 --> 00:03:13,691 Because Arthur now thinks he's a celebrity, I'm getting all his mail. 64 00:03:13,740 --> 00:03:16,300 He doesn't want to give his address out to anyone any more, 65 00:03:16,340 --> 00:03:20,856 because of lunatics. Arthur is afraid of lunatics. 66 00:03:20,900 --> 00:03:24,495 Have you made your mind up yet? Oh, I just don't know. 67 00:03:24,540 --> 00:03:26,770 I'm losing the will to live. 68 00:03:26,820 --> 00:03:29,493 I'll tell you why he failed the brain test. He's unstable. 69 00:03:29,540 --> 00:03:31,531 He's too dangerous to go on television. 70 00:03:31,580 --> 00:03:34,697 No. Arthur's lovely. He's deranged. 71 00:03:34,740 --> 00:03:37,459 Got to be something in the middle? Lovely and deranged? 72 00:03:37,500 --> 00:03:39,730 Ah, you English! What? 73 00:03:39,780 --> 00:03:43,170 You love to sit on the fence! Pick a side, for God's sake! 74 00:03:43,220 --> 00:03:46,530 Yes, and please, please, Michael, will you make up...? 75 00:03:46,580 --> 00:03:52,769 Oh, I'm so sorry, Sinem. I just don't know. Erm... 76 00:03:52,820 --> 00:03:56,210 OK, I will have a little bit of milk, yes, please. 77 00:03:56,260 --> 00:03:59,775 Sinem, can I have a glass of water for Eggy, please? 78 00:03:59,820 --> 00:04:01,936 Is everything all right? Not really. 79 00:04:01,980 --> 00:04:04,619 Some bloke came round to fix his boiler, made him sign to pay him 80 00:04:04,660 --> 00:04:08,778 by the hour and then took him for 200 quid. Boiler isn't even fixed. 81 00:04:08,820 --> 00:04:12,256 I'm so stupid. Don't be so hard on yourself, mate. 82 00:04:12,300 --> 00:04:15,337 £200! He stood over me at the cash point, 83 00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:17,814 said he'd call a policeman if I didn't pay. 84 00:04:17,860 --> 00:04:20,658 Eggy, it's not your fault. It's what they do. 85 00:04:20,700 --> 00:04:23,373 Sinem, remember when this happened to Mum? Oh, yeah. 86 00:04:23,420 --> 00:04:25,854 If I could get my hands on him... 87 00:04:25,900 --> 00:04:28,334 I think we've seen the last of him around here. 88 00:04:28,380 --> 00:04:31,497 And what's the chances of somebody else we know using the same guy? 89 00:04:35,740 --> 00:04:38,379 Yeah, I can see the problem. Relatively simple fix. 90 00:04:38,420 --> 00:04:40,251 Should be out of your hair in an hour or so. 91 00:04:40,300 --> 00:04:43,451 First Celebrity Flat Share falls through and then me boiler packs in. 92 00:04:43,500 --> 00:04:44,899 Been a terrible month, this has. 93 00:04:44,940 --> 00:04:47,215 Yeah. So, just have to get the paperwork out the way. 94 00:04:47,260 --> 00:04:48,488 Do you know, it's funny. 95 00:04:48,540 --> 00:04:51,338 I always thought I'd make a good plumber. 96 00:04:51,380 --> 00:04:54,975 I don't know why. Perhaps it's because I'm a strong swimmer. 97 00:04:56,580 --> 00:04:58,810 Here, now, you might be able to tell me this. 98 00:04:58,860 --> 00:05:02,057 Do they have plumbers on submarines? I don't know. 99 00:05:02,100 --> 00:05:04,773 Because there's a twisted logic going on there, isn't there? 100 00:05:04,820 --> 00:05:08,290 It's like they're in the pipe trying to keep the water outside, 101 00:05:08,340 --> 00:05:13,095 rather than on the outside trying to keep the water in. 102 00:05:13,140 --> 00:05:14,858 Are the exams different, do you think? 103 00:05:14,900 --> 00:05:17,460 Because it is a different discipline, isn't it? 104 00:05:17,500 --> 00:05:20,219 Yeah. So anyway, can you just sign this? 105 00:05:20,260 --> 00:05:22,820 Oh, hello. The penny's dropped, has it? 106 00:05:22,860 --> 00:05:24,691 Oh, I get this all the time. 107 00:05:24,740 --> 00:05:27,538 Never mind your bit of paper, I've got some photos over here, 108 00:05:27,580 --> 00:05:29,252 I'll sign one of those for you. 109 00:05:29,300 --> 00:05:32,531 No, no! I need you to sign this so I can start. 110 00:05:32,580 --> 00:05:35,697 What did you say your name was again? 111 00:05:35,740 --> 00:05:41,815 "To Phil, I'll never forget all the laughs, Arthur." 112 00:05:41,860 --> 00:05:43,213 I don't want your autograph! 113 00:05:43,260 --> 00:05:45,330 Oh, it's for a friend, is it? What's his name? 114 00:05:45,380 --> 00:05:47,769 Ooh, or her name? 115 00:05:47,820 --> 00:05:51,051 Is there a Mrs Phil you haven't told me about? 116 00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:54,570 It's all right, you're entitled to a private life. 117 00:05:54,620 --> 00:05:59,819 I've obviously touched a nerve there, I'll not prod you further. 118 00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:02,249 What did you say her name was? 119 00:06:02,300 --> 00:06:04,575 I need you to sign this or I can't bloody charge you! 120 00:06:04,620 --> 00:06:06,451 Well, why didn't you say so? 121 00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:09,776 Wasting my time asking me for me autograph for your wife. 122 00:06:09,820 --> 00:06:13,369 Why can't I just be an ordinary person for once? 123 00:06:14,900 --> 00:06:18,370 Must I constantly be harassed by members of the public trying 124 00:06:18,420 --> 00:06:20,650 to get something from me? 125 00:06:20,700 --> 00:06:23,976 I'm just a regular Joe like you, Phil! 126 00:06:24,020 --> 00:06:27,410 Well, not like you, because I'm famous and you're a plumber. 127 00:06:29,140 --> 00:06:32,018 But I do have a life, you know, Joe. 128 00:06:32,060 --> 00:06:35,291 I can't keep signing autographs morning, noon and night for you 129 00:06:35,340 --> 00:06:37,490 and your wife. Just sign the document. 130 00:06:37,540 --> 00:06:39,929 All right, all right! Have you got a pen? 131 00:06:39,980 --> 00:06:41,333 No, I haven't! 132 00:06:41,380 --> 00:06:44,338 You didn't want my autograph! 133 00:06:44,380 --> 00:06:47,099 I know I didn't! Then why would I sign an autograph? 134 00:06:47,140 --> 00:06:49,813 I don't know, you just did! Yeah! 135 00:06:49,860 --> 00:06:53,170 Oh, wait a minute, there it is. There you are. That's for you. 136 00:06:53,220 --> 00:06:54,220 I don't want it! 137 00:06:55,380 --> 00:06:58,099 You just asked me for it! I asked for the pen. 138 00:06:58,140 --> 00:07:00,176 There you go. No, I don't want the pen! 139 00:07:00,220 --> 00:07:03,098 You just said you did. I wanted it for you! 140 00:07:03,140 --> 00:07:04,858 Oh, thank you very much. 141 00:07:04,900 --> 00:07:07,494 To sign! To sign! 142 00:07:07,540 --> 00:07:10,179 Haven't I done that yet? 143 00:07:10,220 --> 00:07:12,859 Oh, well, that's because I've not seen your credentials. 144 00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:14,777 I don't sign just anything, you know. 145 00:07:14,820 --> 00:07:17,095 There are a lot of funny people out there. 146 00:07:18,900 --> 00:07:22,131 Oh, no, where are me glasses I look at photos through? 147 00:07:36,900 --> 00:07:39,539 There's no glass in those. 148 00:07:40,780 --> 00:07:42,452 What possible use are those? 149 00:07:44,060 --> 00:07:46,016 I'll just put them carefully back. 150 00:07:56,060 --> 00:07:58,733 These are the ones with no glass in them! 151 00:07:58,780 --> 00:08:01,692 What possible use are those?! 152 00:08:01,740 --> 00:08:04,208 I'll just put them carefully back. 153 00:08:05,820 --> 00:08:10,371 Oh, listen, um, you sound like you might look like the photo 154 00:08:10,420 --> 00:08:13,412 I can't see on your identity card, so I'll trust you. 155 00:08:13,460 --> 00:08:15,052 Well, it's a standard document. 156 00:08:15,100 --> 00:08:17,250 It just states you've agreed to have the work done, 157 00:08:17,300 --> 00:08:20,178 and that you'll pay the usual rate upon receipt of the signature. 158 00:08:20,220 --> 00:08:24,293 Right ho. There we go! 159 00:08:24,340 --> 00:08:27,332 Now, you'll have a cup of tea before you start, won't you? 160 00:08:27,380 --> 00:08:29,177 That'd be lovely, Arthur. 161 00:08:29,220 --> 00:08:34,214 All work and no play makes Jack and Jill went up the hill. 162 00:08:35,780 --> 00:08:38,977 I'll put a pail of water on. Won't be a tic! 163 00:08:39,020 --> 00:08:40,089 You take your time! 164 00:08:41,780 --> 00:08:45,853 Steve, it's Phil. Yeah, that's a goer at Rozier Street. 165 00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:49,893 Might get a couple of days out of this one, he's off his nut. 166 00:08:49,940 --> 00:08:52,738 Listen, better take the card out of the newsagents. 167 00:08:52,780 --> 00:08:55,977 I think more than two jobs in the same area is pushing it. 168 00:08:56,020 --> 00:08:57,373 Yeah, see ya. 169 00:09:31,940 --> 00:09:34,215 Hello, Phil! 170 00:09:34,260 --> 00:09:36,410 Would you like sugar and a biscuit? 171 00:09:36,460 --> 00:09:39,657 Because I'm afraid I haven't got either of those things. 172 00:09:43,620 --> 00:09:47,295 You can't hide from this, Sinem! Manipulative and cunning! 173 00:09:47,340 --> 00:09:50,377 Bulent! Grandiose sense of self! What's this? 174 00:09:50,420 --> 00:09:53,730 It's from a website about serial killers! 175 00:09:53,780 --> 00:09:55,577 Listen, who does this remind you of? 176 00:09:55,620 --> 00:09:57,850 Lack of remorse, shame or guilt. 177 00:09:57,900 --> 00:10:00,619 Arthur? Arthur. That's definitely Arthur. 178 00:10:00,660 --> 00:10:04,255 Poor behavioural controls! Lack of realistic life plan! 179 00:10:04,300 --> 00:10:06,131 Parasitic lifestyle! 180 00:10:06,180 --> 00:10:09,217 These are the core qualities of a sociopath. 181 00:10:09,260 --> 00:10:13,173 The core qualities of a sociopath. I tell you, he's a time bomb. 182 00:10:13,220 --> 00:10:16,178 He's dangerous. Tick, tick, tick. 183 00:10:16,220 --> 00:10:18,290 He's one of the sweetest people we get in here. 184 00:10:18,340 --> 00:10:19,489 Michael, please. 185 00:10:20,860 --> 00:10:23,852 Get off the fence, Fence Boy! Listen. 186 00:10:23,900 --> 00:10:26,698 Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they caused, 187 00:10:26,740 --> 00:10:30,176 does not accept blame themselves, but blames others 188 00:10:30,220 --> 00:10:32,814 for acts they have obviously committed! 189 00:10:32,860 --> 00:10:34,339 It's like he's in the room. 190 00:10:35,940 --> 00:10:38,170 Huh. What is it? 191 00:10:38,220 --> 00:10:40,370 It's from the TV people. OK. 192 00:10:40,420 --> 00:10:43,617 I think it might be a psychiatric evaluation. 193 00:10:43,660 --> 00:10:45,412 Open it! 194 00:10:45,460 --> 00:10:47,416 Who has poor behavioural controls? 195 00:10:47,460 --> 00:10:52,011 You can't read it. No, of course I can't. That would be like... 196 00:10:52,060 --> 00:10:55,689 secretly looking right into his mind. Open it! 197 00:10:55,740 --> 00:10:57,856 You can't! No, no, of course not. 198 00:10:57,900 --> 00:10:59,970 That would be an outrageous breach of trust! 199 00:11:00,020 --> 00:11:01,738 No, it would be like... 200 00:11:01,780 --> 00:11:04,294 finally finding out once and for all 201 00:11:04,340 --> 00:11:07,616 the true nature of Count Arthur Strong. Michael! 202 00:11:16,820 --> 00:11:19,857 Thanks for the tea, Arthur. Oh, it's all right, is it? 203 00:11:19,900 --> 00:11:23,017 I didn't make one for myself because of what the water looked like. 204 00:11:36,420 --> 00:11:41,494 Well, I expect you'll be, er, wanting to... you know? 205 00:11:41,540 --> 00:11:43,610 Yeah, well, it won't fix itself, will it? 206 00:11:43,660 --> 00:11:47,016 Do you know where the stopcock is? It's through that door there. 207 00:11:47,060 --> 00:11:49,813 Here, I'll make you another cup of that tea you like. 208 00:11:49,860 --> 00:11:51,896 Yeah, that'd be lovely. 209 00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:02,336 Argh! 210 00:12:20,620 --> 00:12:24,852 Ow! What? Read it! No.Why not? 211 00:12:24,900 --> 00:12:29,098 Because Sinem told me not to. And she's right. 212 00:12:29,140 --> 00:12:33,736 And she's looking at us and she's walking towards us. 213 00:12:33,780 --> 00:12:35,930 Ha-ha-ha-ha! 214 00:12:43,740 --> 00:12:46,379 What? 215 00:12:46,420 --> 00:12:50,174 Ah, it's very, very funny joke. Very, very funny. 216 00:12:50,220 --> 00:12:51,494 I like funny jokes. 217 00:12:55,980 --> 00:12:57,459 Well, you'll like this one! 218 00:13:02,660 --> 00:13:08,132 Oh, it's... It is a bit of a man's joke, Sinem. 219 00:13:08,180 --> 00:13:10,774 It's a little bit crude. I wouldn't want you to... 220 00:13:10,820 --> 00:13:12,048 Well, I can take it! 221 00:13:14,660 --> 00:13:19,688 It's really, really very crude. It's horrible. 222 00:13:19,740 --> 00:13:22,015 Oh, it's horrible? Come on, then. 223 00:13:24,100 --> 00:13:27,058 Okey-dokey, you asked for it! 224 00:13:32,780 --> 00:13:40,573 What do you call birds, girls who enjoy 225 00:13:40,620 --> 00:13:46,934 assignations with gentlemen of... 226 00:13:48,500 --> 00:13:49,853 ...questionable repute? 227 00:13:51,140 --> 00:13:52,334 I don't know. 228 00:13:56,140 --> 00:13:57,619 Rotten ladies. 229 00:14:03,100 --> 00:14:04,579 Give me that letter! 230 00:14:04,620 --> 00:14:06,815 No! He has to read it! Leave it to me! 231 00:14:06,860 --> 00:14:09,818 Leave me alone, both of you. I'm not going to read it. 232 00:14:17,420 --> 00:14:20,537 Read it! Don't read it! Shut up! Both of you! 233 00:14:20,580 --> 00:14:24,209 I tell you, one day, he's really going to hurt someone, 234 00:14:24,260 --> 00:14:26,330 and you guys will be to blame! 235 00:14:26,380 --> 00:14:29,372 Just wait and see. Tick, tick, tick... 236 00:15:18,660 --> 00:15:20,696 Hello. 237 00:15:22,260 --> 00:15:24,535 You've come round. That's good. 238 00:15:24,580 --> 00:15:26,332 What's going on? 239 00:15:26,380 --> 00:15:28,848 You fell down the cellar steps. There was one missing. 240 00:15:28,900 --> 00:15:31,050 I forgot to tell you about that. 241 00:15:31,100 --> 00:15:33,933 The people that have fallen down those cellar steps. 242 00:15:33,980 --> 00:15:37,052 I'm just about to fix it. What have you done to my legs! 243 00:15:37,100 --> 00:15:40,490 Ah, now, I took the precaution of putting splints on them, 244 00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:42,610 just in case they're broken. 245 00:15:42,660 --> 00:15:46,175 Just some old bits of fencing and rope I had lying about. 246 00:15:46,220 --> 00:15:49,212 Don't worry, those knots are completely secure. 247 00:15:49,260 --> 00:15:52,218 I used a double barrel hitch and a fisherman's knob. 248 00:15:53,660 --> 00:15:57,733 Houdini himself wouldn't be able to get out of those, oh, yes. 249 00:15:57,780 --> 00:16:00,772 Where are my clothes? Did you put me in these pyjamas? 250 00:16:00,820 --> 00:16:03,732 I did, yes. A friend gets me them from the hospital. 251 00:16:03,780 --> 00:16:06,499 Well, they'd only incinerate them if I didn't have them. 252 00:16:06,540 --> 00:16:09,816 What? Did someone die in these? They did, yes. 253 00:16:09,860 --> 00:16:12,658 You wouldn't think in this day and age you could die of psoriasis. 254 00:16:12,700 --> 00:16:14,418 Oh, God! 255 00:16:14,460 --> 00:16:17,452 Now, can I get you anything? 256 00:16:17,500 --> 00:16:20,253 Yes, you can get me out of this! Right now! 257 00:16:20,300 --> 00:16:23,212 No, no, Phil, you're still in a state of shock. 258 00:16:23,260 --> 00:16:25,410 I'm no doctor, but freeing you now 259 00:16:25,460 --> 00:16:28,054 would result in a massive heart attack. 260 00:16:30,140 --> 00:16:32,131 Is there anything else I can do for you? 261 00:16:32,180 --> 00:16:35,570 Your phone? Right, now that I can do. 262 00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:38,214 Where... where would I find that? It was in my jacket pocket. 263 00:16:38,260 --> 00:16:40,171 Oh, no, there was nothing in your jacket. 264 00:16:40,220 --> 00:16:43,610 It must have come out when you fell. Right-ho. 265 00:16:43,660 --> 00:16:46,333 And my wallet, get me that. There was a lot of money in it. 266 00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:48,940 Right-ho, Phil, your wallet and your phone, 267 00:16:48,980 --> 00:16:54,259 right at the top of my to-do list, after you've had some lovely soup. 268 00:16:54,300 --> 00:16:56,973 I don't want any soup. Just get me my clothes. 269 00:16:58,100 --> 00:17:00,091 Erm, your clothes. 270 00:17:00,140 --> 00:17:05,260 Um, I'm afraid there's not much left of your clothes. 271 00:17:05,300 --> 00:17:08,337 I had to cut them off with some scissors. 272 00:17:08,380 --> 00:17:12,612 I saw it on an episode of Casualty. 273 00:17:12,660 --> 00:17:14,457 I'm not stopping here! 274 00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:17,651 Now, now, Phil, I don't want to hear another word about it. 275 00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:20,498 You can stay here as long as it takes. 276 00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:23,100 Now, I'll get you that soup. I don't want any soup! 277 00:17:23,140 --> 00:17:27,179 And after you've eaten it all up, we can have a game of Cluedo. 278 00:17:27,220 --> 00:17:30,212 Oh, it's lovely having people to stay! 279 00:17:30,260 --> 00:17:33,058 Cluedo doesn't work with two people! 280 00:17:42,180 --> 00:17:45,013 Here we are. Some lovely home-made soup. 281 00:17:45,060 --> 00:17:47,051 This'II put hairs on your hairs. 282 00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:50,570 Did you get my phone? I did, yes. I found it. 283 00:17:51,940 --> 00:17:54,773 Oh, this is a snazzy one, isn't it? Can I have it? 284 00:17:54,820 --> 00:17:57,971 Does it take photos and all that? Because some of them do, you know. 285 00:17:58,020 --> 00:18:00,295 I saw one with a calculator. 286 00:18:02,220 --> 00:18:06,008 Oh, it does. Shall we do a selfie like they did at the Oscars? 287 00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:16,178 Can you give me it? Hang on a minute. 288 00:18:22,420 --> 00:18:26,379 Hey, you know, years ago, this phone would have had wires on it, 289 00:18:26,420 --> 00:18:28,615 and it would have been connected to the wall 290 00:18:28,660 --> 00:18:31,732 and you wouldn't have been able to take photographs on it. 291 00:18:31,780 --> 00:18:35,090 That would have been called a camera! 292 00:18:35,140 --> 00:18:38,496 Oh, we lived in a different world. 293 00:18:38,540 --> 00:18:42,328 Please give me my phone! Not until you've had a bit of soup. 294 00:18:42,380 --> 00:18:43,495 I don't want soup. 295 00:18:43,540 --> 00:18:47,135 Now, now, you've got to eat your soup or you'll grow effeminate. 296 00:18:48,740 --> 00:18:51,174 Not that there's anything wrong with that. 297 00:18:51,220 --> 00:18:52,733 I just want my phone! 298 00:18:52,780 --> 00:18:56,534 No. I'm going to have to be firm. Soup first, then phone. 299 00:18:56,580 --> 00:18:59,617 Ah! Go on, then! Here, I'll give you a hand. 300 00:19:03,300 --> 00:19:06,451 Ah! It's hot! It's hot! I'll blow on it, then. 301 00:19:08,380 --> 00:19:10,530 Argh! 302 00:19:10,580 --> 00:19:13,777 Sorry! Oh, it's gone all over your pyjamas. 303 00:19:13,820 --> 00:19:15,731 Here, let me wipe it up. 304 00:19:15,780 --> 00:19:20,934 Nothing worse than beef broth over a dead man's jim-jams. 305 00:19:20,980 --> 00:19:23,892 I don't even want the soup! Just give me my phone. 306 00:19:23,940 --> 00:19:26,215 Oh, all right. 307 00:19:26,260 --> 00:19:29,616 But as soon as you've finished your call, you eat your soup. 308 00:19:34,300 --> 00:19:36,655 PHIL SOBS Oh, never mind, Phil! 309 00:19:36,700 --> 00:19:39,260 There's lots more soup where that came from. 310 00:19:41,020 --> 00:19:42,976 I'll boil up some more bones. 311 00:20:14,540 --> 00:20:16,098 Help! 312 00:20:16,140 --> 00:20:17,858 BANGING ON WINDOW Help! 313 00:20:49,100 --> 00:20:51,853 Oh, Phil, what are you doing there? 314 00:20:54,340 --> 00:20:58,015 That's you back in bed as if nothing ever happened! 315 00:20:58,060 --> 00:20:59,652 Oh, God. 316 00:20:59,700 --> 00:21:02,897 I have to say, I'm a tiny bit annoyed with you. 317 00:21:02,940 --> 00:21:07,297 There I was downstairs, slicing up a nice bit of liver for our dinner, 318 00:21:07,340 --> 00:21:09,774 when I heard you thumping about on the floor. 319 00:21:09,820 --> 00:21:13,813 How do you expect to get better with that sort of carry on? 320 00:21:13,860 --> 00:21:17,136 It won't do, Phil. It won't do at all. 321 00:21:17,180 --> 00:21:19,489 Look, I can't stay here! 322 00:21:19,540 --> 00:21:22,338 You've got to phone my office and let them know what's happened. 323 00:21:22,380 --> 00:21:24,496 You've got a phone, haven't you? Of course I have. 324 00:21:24,540 --> 00:21:26,895 I get most of my offers of work over the phone. 325 00:21:26,940 --> 00:21:29,500 You can't be without a phone in my profession. 326 00:21:29,540 --> 00:21:32,737 Then, please, call my office. How am I supposed to do that? 327 00:21:32,780 --> 00:21:35,010 With the phone. It's been disconnected. 328 00:21:36,900 --> 00:21:40,290 Oh, hang on a second. There's a phone box outside. 329 00:21:40,340 --> 00:21:43,059 I can nip out to that and tell your office what's happened. 330 00:21:43,100 --> 00:21:44,738 Thank you. Thank you. 331 00:21:44,780 --> 00:21:48,489 I have to say, you're doing awfully well, Phil. 332 00:21:48,540 --> 00:21:51,134 I'm very impressed with how you haven't tried to scratch 333 00:21:51,180 --> 00:21:54,775 what must be by now extremely itchy legs. 334 00:21:54,820 --> 00:21:56,572 No, they're all right. 335 00:21:56,620 --> 00:22:00,215 Because when my friend was in a similar situation to you, 336 00:22:00,260 --> 00:22:03,138 after a disastrous attempt to disrupt The Grand National, 337 00:22:03,180 --> 00:22:09,130 he would not stop going on about his excruciatingly itchy legs. 338 00:22:09,180 --> 00:22:11,614 "My legs are driving me mad," he'd say. 339 00:22:11,660 --> 00:22:14,413 "It feels like ants are crawling up and down them, 340 00:22:14,460 --> 00:22:16,416 "nipping me incessantly." 341 00:22:16,460 --> 00:22:18,655 Yeah, yeah, I can feel something. 342 00:22:18,700 --> 00:22:22,090 Oh, for goodness' sake, you don't want to start thinking about it. 343 00:22:22,140 --> 00:22:25,416 Thinking about it would make it far, far worse. 344 00:22:25,460 --> 00:22:29,248 You don't want that. Anyway, I'll phone your office 345 00:22:29,300 --> 00:22:31,814 and tell them you won't be in for a few weeks. 346 00:22:31,860 --> 00:22:32,929 No! 347 00:22:34,780 --> 00:22:38,250 It's happening! What's happening? The time bomb! It's going off! 348 00:22:38,300 --> 00:22:41,815 What are you talking about? There's a man in Arthur's house! I saw him! 349 00:22:41,860 --> 00:22:43,976 I saw a hand. What do you mean, a hand? 350 00:22:44,020 --> 00:22:46,820 In the window, I saw a hand reaching for help. I don't want to hear it! 351 00:22:46,860 --> 00:22:50,694 Maybe it's Arthur! He might be hurt! I'm going to check he's all right. 352 00:22:50,740 --> 00:22:52,219 I'm coming with you! 353 00:22:56,220 --> 00:22:58,290 We have to Jimmy the lock! 354 00:22:58,340 --> 00:23:00,729 I've got a key. Jimmy the lock! 355 00:23:06,060 --> 00:23:07,288 Arthur? 356 00:23:07,340 --> 00:23:09,570 - What are you doing? - What are you doing? 357 00:23:09,620 --> 00:23:12,373 Don't warn him we're coming! He might be hurt! 358 00:23:12,420 --> 00:23:14,809 He might hurt US! 359 00:23:14,860 --> 00:23:16,259 Look. 360 00:23:20,020 --> 00:23:22,011 A box full of glasses. 361 00:23:22,060 --> 00:23:24,494 The glasses of all the people he's killed. 362 00:23:24,540 --> 00:23:26,610 I don't know, I'm not sure they're Arthur's! 363 00:23:26,660 --> 00:23:29,970 Look at this! What possible use are these? 364 00:23:30,020 --> 00:23:33,729 Well, I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for all of it. 365 00:23:38,220 --> 00:23:40,051 Let's open the letter. 366 00:23:45,900 --> 00:23:48,573 "Poor behavioural controls... 367 00:23:48,620 --> 00:23:50,929 "Lack of remorse, shame... Or guilt!" 368 00:23:50,980 --> 00:23:54,177 He's a remorseless, shameless, non-guilty monster! 369 00:23:54,220 --> 00:23:56,734 We end this, Michael. 370 00:23:56,780 --> 00:23:58,179 We end this now. 371 00:24:03,860 --> 00:24:06,090 Oh, this is ridiculous! I know Arthur. 372 00:24:06,140 --> 00:24:08,256 I don't care what that letter says. 373 00:24:08,300 --> 00:24:10,177 Put the whisk away before you hurt someone. 374 00:24:10,220 --> 00:24:11,494 Help! 375 00:24:14,620 --> 00:24:17,692 Please! Please help me! 376 00:24:19,580 --> 00:24:22,856 What's going on? You see? You see?! 377 00:24:22,900 --> 00:24:25,368 Get these off of me before he comes back! 378 00:24:25,420 --> 00:24:28,218 There's a knife over there. Arthur did this to you? 379 00:24:28,260 --> 00:24:32,139 He's a monster! Aha! Well, where's he gone? What's happened? 380 00:24:32,180 --> 00:24:35,570 These pyjamas are from the hospital. Somebody died in them! 381 00:24:36,660 --> 00:24:41,211 Arthur did this to your legs? Yeah. He said he saw it on Casualty. 382 00:24:41,260 --> 00:24:43,694 He was going to make me play Cluedo with him! 383 00:24:44,980 --> 00:24:46,891 Cluedo doesn't work with two people. 384 00:24:49,660 --> 00:24:53,892 Oh, my God! You've got to help me! He's a sociopath! He's an actual, 385 00:24:53,940 --> 00:24:56,454 real Silence of The Lambs-style sociopath. 386 00:24:56,500 --> 00:24:57,979 It's been awful! 387 00:24:58,020 --> 00:25:01,137 It was like he wanted me to stay here, forever, with him. 388 00:25:01,180 --> 00:25:05,253 Whatever I said he just... Don't worry. You're safe with us. 389 00:25:06,780 --> 00:25:09,931 - I'm back, Phil! 390 00:25:11,620 --> 00:25:14,134 I hope you didn't miss me too much. 391 00:25:15,380 --> 00:25:19,009 I think your office was closed for the night! 392 00:25:19,060 --> 00:25:23,178 How about I mash a banana up for you with a bit of milk? 393 00:25:23,220 --> 00:25:27,498 Would you like to try that? He thinks he's feeding a baby. 394 00:25:29,420 --> 00:25:32,537 I'll be up in a minute. Just hanging me coat up. 395 00:25:32,580 --> 00:25:35,378 What are we going to do? What are we going to do? Quick, the window. 396 00:25:35,420 --> 00:25:37,729 You can climb out the front. 397 00:25:37,780 --> 00:25:41,329 My legs are numb. Bulent, hold him! 398 00:25:41,380 --> 00:25:45,896 I've left a message with your work of a death in the family. 399 00:25:47,060 --> 00:25:50,291 They don't need to know the details, do they? 400 00:25:50,340 --> 00:25:53,776 Quick, quick, hurry up. Quickly! Argh! 401 00:26:01,140 --> 00:26:02,459 Phil? 402 00:26:04,260 --> 00:26:06,535 ♪ Where are you? ♪ 403 00:26:08,860 --> 00:26:10,293 Are you hiding? 404 00:26:35,060 --> 00:26:36,857 It was very strange, Eggy. 405 00:26:36,900 --> 00:26:39,858 He just ran off and left all this behind. 406 00:26:39,900 --> 00:26:44,212 But if it was the same man, I'd say he was almost asking me 407 00:26:44,260 --> 00:26:47,969 to return this money to you, along with an extra 100, 408 00:26:48,020 --> 00:26:50,818 for all the trouble he caused you. 409 00:26:50,860 --> 00:26:54,535 Oh, Arthur, I... I don't know what to say! 410 00:26:54,580 --> 00:26:58,573 There's nothing to say, Eggy. It's just one of those things. 411 00:26:58,620 --> 00:27:02,454 So... he was the same guy that was supposed to fix Eggy's boiler? 412 00:27:02,500 --> 00:27:05,492 Yeah, it would appear so. And Arthur didn't know that? 413 00:27:05,540 --> 00:27:07,895 He says he didn't.He knew! 414 00:27:07,940 --> 00:27:09,976 Oh, he didn't! 415 00:27:10,020 --> 00:27:13,012 I told you. Arthur's just a sweet old man. 416 00:27:13,060 --> 00:27:15,176 He's a psychopath. 417 00:27:15,220 --> 00:27:18,610 What do you think, Michael? Erm... 418 00:27:22,580 --> 00:27:24,332 I'm still on the fence. 419 00:27:30,460 --> 00:27:34,851 I tell you, being trapped in that house, with that old man, 420 00:27:34,900 --> 00:27:38,097 somehow the whole experience just changed my life. 421 00:27:38,140 --> 00:27:41,132 I quit that place, and now I run my own company. 422 00:27:41,180 --> 00:27:44,377 All legitimate, no more scamming for me. 423 00:27:44,420 --> 00:27:45,614 I'm glad to hear that. 424 00:27:47,460 --> 00:27:51,612 Such a terrible experience, though. Do you ever think about it? 425 00:28:00,620 --> 00:28:03,259 Who ordered the soup? 426 00:28:03,300 --> 00:28:06,610 She did. I don't like soup.