1
00:01:11,220 --> 00:01:12,733
Could you just...?

2
00:01:12,780 --> 00:01:15,248
You're like a five-year-old.
Just sit still.

3
00:01:15,300 --> 00:01:18,133
I don't know how you can stand it.
You've been sat there for hours.

4
00:01:18,180 --> 00:01:20,853
I'm just enjoying reading
the papers!

5
00:01:20,900 --> 00:01:24,654
Look at that -
"Bishop attacks single mothers."

6
00:01:24,700 --> 00:01:26,258
Well, I hope they caught him!

7
00:01:30,300 --> 00:01:31,972
Oh, 'ere, Maria.

8
00:01:32,020 --> 00:01:34,932
Was it you who was saying you were
looking for a new toilet seat?

9
00:01:34,980 --> 00:01:38,211
I did, Arthur. I fell on my one.
Well, you're in luck.

10
00:01:38,260 --> 00:01:41,013
A friend of a friend
works in the factory that does them.

11
00:01:41,060 --> 00:01:42,618
OK, Arthur, thank you.

12
00:01:42,660 --> 00:01:45,618
Oh, one thing. He says some of them
are a bit squeaky.

13
00:01:46,700 --> 00:01:51,012
I don't want it then.
No, I'm kidding!

14
00:01:51,060 --> 00:01:54,735
Things aren't going so great
I can turn down a toilet seat!

15
00:01:54,780 --> 00:01:58,978
Hello, Maria!
Ah, lovely cup of tea.

16
00:01:59,020 --> 00:02:00,578
Oh, someone's in a good mood.

17
00:02:00,620 --> 00:02:02,417
Ah, it's just one of those
moments, yeah?

18
00:02:02,460 --> 00:02:06,135
When you look at your life
and think, yes, I'm content.

19
00:02:06,180 --> 00:02:09,490
You know? Just as simple as that.
I am content.

20
00:02:09,540 --> 00:02:11,337
Well, I'm glad you're content.

21
00:02:11,380 --> 00:02:12,574
Oh, for God's sake!

22
00:02:14,140 --> 00:02:16,700
There's a feature on Ronald bloody
Harrison!

23
00:02:16,740 --> 00:02:20,733
Why is he getting a feature?
His last book was out ages ago.

24
00:02:20,780 --> 00:02:23,169
There's a picture of him
on a horse, for God's sake.

25
00:02:23,220 --> 00:02:26,690
What's he doing on a horse?
He might be a jockey?

26
00:02:26,740 --> 00:02:28,571
No, he's not a jockey.
He's a writer.

27
00:02:28,620 --> 00:02:32,215
Are you sure? That would explain
why he's on a horse.

28
00:02:32,260 --> 00:02:34,296
Harrison seems to have found
a new lease of life

29
00:02:34,340 --> 00:02:36,490
since recovering from a serious
heart attack.

30
00:02:36,540 --> 00:02:39,418
He's still banging on about that
heart attack.

31
00:02:39,460 --> 00:02:42,532
Ohh! I wish I'd had a heart attack.

32
00:02:42,580 --> 00:02:45,299
Well, he's not going to win many
races, him. He's too hefty.

33
00:02:45,340 --> 00:02:46,534
He's not a jockey!

34
00:02:46,580 --> 00:02:49,697
You can say that again.
Here, I'll tell you a jockey.

35
00:02:49,740 --> 00:02:52,971
Lester Piggott.
Now he was a jockey, eh, John?

36
00:02:53,020 --> 00:02:56,012
Oh, yeah. Probably one of the
greatest flat jockeys of all time.

37
00:02:56,060 --> 00:02:57,493
Here, have a look at this one.

38
00:02:57,540 --> 00:03:01,215
Oh, he's a bit stocky.
I don't know many stocky jockeys.

39
00:03:01,260 --> 00:03:02,978
He's a very stocky jockey!

40
00:03:03,020 --> 00:03:05,454
He's not a stocky jockey!
He's not a jockey!

41
00:03:06,500 --> 00:03:09,458
Unbelievable. And I bet he's written
another book in the meantime.

42
00:03:09,500 --> 00:03:12,731
He's like a machine, that man.
No head or heart.

43
00:03:15,180 --> 00:03:18,377
I didn't know Michael was
interested in horse racing.

44
00:03:18,420 --> 00:03:20,456
Neither did I. He's kept that quiet.

45
00:03:21,780 --> 00:03:24,453
Eggy! Aha! There he is!

46
00:03:24,500 --> 00:03:27,173
That's better!

47
00:03:27,220 --> 00:03:29,939
How's he been, Eggy?
I've missed having him around.

48
00:03:29,980 --> 00:03:32,335
Fine, fine,
thanks for looking after him.

49
00:03:33,420 --> 00:03:35,888
Listen, did you hear the news?

50
00:03:35,940 --> 00:03:39,216
What?
You know Billy, the living statue?

51
00:03:39,260 --> 00:03:40,932
Yeah? He died.

52
00:03:40,980 --> 00:03:46,737
Really? Oh, that sounds serious.
You can't have a dead living statue.

53
00:03:46,780 --> 00:03:48,293
How do they know he died?

54
00:03:48,340 --> 00:03:52,572
He fell over. Wizard Jeffrey saw it.

55
00:03:52,620 --> 00:03:55,293
Oh, Wizard Jeffrey.
He'll be after his spot now.

56
00:03:55,340 --> 00:03:57,900
All the living statues will
want that spot.

57
00:03:57,940 --> 00:03:59,817
Can I ask you something, Arthur?

58
00:03:59,860 --> 00:04:02,328
Oh, I needed that!

59
00:04:02,380 --> 00:04:04,689
- I was just wondering...
- Bombs away!

60
00:04:06,860 --> 00:04:08,339
What, Eggy?

61
00:04:08,380 --> 00:04:10,655
Oh, here it comes!

62
00:04:10,700 --> 00:04:15,728
When you were minding Bimbo, did you
keep him in the toilet?

63
00:04:18,820 --> 00:04:21,175
I needed that!

64
00:04:21,220 --> 00:04:25,293
I did, Eggy. He seemed to like the
ambiance in there.

65
00:04:25,340 --> 00:04:30,016
- It's just that...
- Mission accomplished.

66
00:04:30,060 --> 00:04:33,211
No. Nothing. Hey! What's that bird
doing here?

67
00:04:33,260 --> 00:04:36,696
Get that thing out of my cafe!
This is a cafe!

68
00:04:36,740 --> 00:04:38,970
All right, Bulent. Don't be like
that.

69
00:04:39,020 --> 00:04:41,614
Come on, Bimbo. See you, Arthur.

70
00:04:41,660 --> 00:04:42,854
Birds...

71
00:04:42,900 --> 00:04:45,209
Feathered, flying... f-fellows!

72
00:04:48,020 --> 00:04:52,218
This pitiful desire some
people have for self-promotion.

73
00:04:52,260 --> 00:04:53,409
It's pathetic.

74
00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:55,496
And it's the work that's important.

75
00:04:57,060 --> 00:04:58,937
HE SIGHS Hello, Sheila.

76
00:04:58,980 --> 00:05:01,733
Did you see the feature on Ronald
Harrison this morning?

77
00:05:01,780 --> 00:05:03,338
Yes, I did. In fact...

78
00:05:03,380 --> 00:05:07,612
God, it was disgusting, wasn't it?
This pathetic cult of personality.

79
00:05:07,660 --> 00:05:08,934
It makes me sick.

80
00:05:08,980 --> 00:05:11,494
Listen, Michael, BBC Four are doing
a new documentary

81
00:05:11,540 --> 00:05:12,575
strand on writers.

82
00:05:12,620 --> 00:05:14,690
I'll do it! I'll do it!
The answer is yes.

83
00:05:14,740 --> 00:05:16,970
I'm definitely doing that.
Thank you, Sheila!

84
00:05:17,020 --> 00:05:19,011
Yeeeeeessss!

85
00:05:22,340 --> 00:05:25,218
They won't be in the way.
You want to film my cafe?

86
00:05:25,260 --> 00:05:29,219
Well, they want to film me.
The documentary is about me.

87
00:05:29,260 --> 00:05:31,057
Well, that's really impressive.

88
00:05:31,100 --> 00:05:34,570
Not just Michael, we're speaking to
several writers about their lives.

89
00:05:34,620 --> 00:05:36,292
Yes, but this bit's about me.

90
00:05:36,340 --> 00:05:39,138
Yeah, they just want to just
see my everyday normal life.

91
00:05:39,180 --> 00:05:40,898
You don't have to do anything
different.

92
00:05:40,940 --> 00:05:43,090
Everyone just has to behave
normally.

93
00:05:43,140 --> 00:05:46,018
All right. But if you disturb
the customers, you're out.

94
00:05:46,060 --> 00:05:48,699
Of course! Of course.
Thank you, Bulent.

95
00:05:48,740 --> 00:05:50,890
Why do you interview him?
He's nobody.

96
00:05:52,740 --> 00:05:54,970
Why don't you put me
in your documentary?

97
00:05:55,020 --> 00:05:57,375
I'm very colourful and rude.
Ask anybody!

98
00:05:57,420 --> 00:06:00,332
Ha-ha, anyway! Anyway,
thank you again, Bulent!

99
00:06:00,380 --> 00:06:02,450
So, what do you think?

100
00:06:04,260 --> 00:06:07,570
It's great!
And you're the resident writer?

101
00:06:07,620 --> 00:06:10,976
Yes, yes. I just find it difficult
to write anywhere else, really.

102
00:06:11,020 --> 00:06:14,296
I don't know why.
So who else have you done?

103
00:06:14,340 --> 00:06:17,059
So far, just Ronald Harrison.

104
00:06:17,100 --> 00:06:19,739
Well, I suppose you have to fill
up the programme somehow.

105
00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:21,736
Oh, he's an amazing writer.

106
00:06:24,180 --> 00:06:26,410
We could have done the whole
documentary about him.

107
00:06:26,460 --> 00:06:27,460
Don't do that.

108
00:06:28,500 --> 00:06:30,695
He paints, he plays polo...

109
00:06:30,740 --> 00:06:33,891
Actually, he's just invented
a new form of polo.

110
00:06:33,940 --> 00:06:36,693
The ball is slightly smaller,
so it's more difficult.

111
00:06:36,740 --> 00:06:39,698
Always thought polo was
fine the way it was.

112
00:06:39,740 --> 00:06:43,415
And he was really powerful about the
subject of his recent heart attack.

113
00:06:43,460 --> 00:06:47,135
Oh, well, we can't all be lucky
enough to have had a heart attack.

114
00:06:49,100 --> 00:06:51,614
Look, I'm really looking
forward to this.

115
00:06:51,660 --> 00:06:55,573
Yeah, I'm looking forward to getting
to know the real Michael Baker.

116
00:06:55,620 --> 00:06:56,973
And vice versa.

117
00:07:03,780 --> 00:07:05,736
She seems nice.

118
00:07:05,780 --> 00:07:10,296
Yes, yes, she's, erm... Yes.

119
00:07:12,220 --> 00:07:15,132
So you're definitely doing
the interview here? Yes.

120
00:07:15,180 --> 00:07:18,456
Mmmm. Mmmm? What?

121
00:07:18,500 --> 00:07:20,092
You said, "Mmmmm."

122
00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:22,051
I'm just surprised, that's all.

123
00:07:23,140 --> 00:07:25,096
What about?

124
00:07:25,140 --> 00:07:28,849
It's an interesting decision.
Why interesting? How?

125
00:07:28,900 --> 00:07:33,178
OK. You want to come across well
in this programme, yes?

126
00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:35,256
All these things are nonsense,
really,

127
00:07:35,300 --> 00:07:38,451
but, yes, let's just suppose
that is the case.

128
00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:42,129
I'm just surprised you would do it
here. Why?

129
00:07:42,180 --> 00:07:46,219
Michael!

130
00:07:49,460 --> 00:07:50,529
What's that, Arthur?

131
00:07:50,580 --> 00:07:53,811
Grey emulsion. I'm going
to grab that living statue spot.

132
00:07:55,620 --> 00:07:58,657
You'll have a fight on your hands
with Wizard Jeffrey.

133
00:07:58,700 --> 00:08:02,249
Wizard Jeffrey? What's
he going to do, wave his wand?

134
00:08:02,300 --> 00:08:05,497
Emulsion paint?
Do they use emulsion?

135
00:08:05,540 --> 00:08:06,575
I think so.

136
00:08:06,620 --> 00:08:10,499
I saw that Charlie Chaplain one
and he was covered in it.

137
00:08:10,540 --> 00:08:13,100
I don't think it's emulsion,
though, Arthur.

138
00:08:13,140 --> 00:08:14,892
You want to be careful, Arthur.

139
00:08:14,940 --> 00:08:17,773
That woman in Goldfinger,
that's how they got her.

140
00:08:19,740 --> 00:08:23,130
As I remember,
she was lying on her bed,

141
00:08:23,180 --> 00:08:25,853
and someone snuck in
and gave her a quick coat.

142
00:08:27,540 --> 00:08:29,849
No, no, no, John,
my memory of the film,

143
00:08:29,900 --> 00:08:32,778
they would have had to have given
her at least two coats of an

144
00:08:32,820 --> 00:08:35,698
oil-based primer, followed by two
top coats

145
00:08:35,740 --> 00:08:37,651
to get her looking like that.

146
00:08:37,700 --> 00:08:40,692
Yeah, I'm only giving
myself the one.

147
00:08:40,740 --> 00:08:44,289
Billy the living statue died.
Arthur's hoping to take his spot.

148
00:08:44,340 --> 00:08:46,410
It's what he would have wanted.

149
00:08:46,460 --> 00:08:49,418
You can't just decide you're going
to be a living statue, you know.

150
00:08:49,460 --> 00:08:51,769
A skill?

151
00:08:51,820 --> 00:08:54,209
I bet you can't do it.
Go on. Do it now.

152
00:08:54,260 --> 00:08:56,490
I bet you can't stand
still for 60 seconds.

153
00:08:56,540 --> 00:08:59,338
Go on, then! A tenner!
A tenner? Fine!

154
00:08:59,380 --> 00:09:00,972
All right. Here we go.

155
00:09:16,740 --> 00:09:19,459
Wait a minute, I'm just
finding the right position.

156
00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:27,693
Actually, I won't do that one.
Erm, oh, I'll try this one.

157
00:09:27,740 --> 00:09:32,336
Oh, that's better. This is the one.
I could stay like this for hours.

158
00:09:32,380 --> 00:09:35,417
No, actually, I will do this one.

159
00:09:35,460 --> 00:09:37,610
All right, there we go.

160
00:09:39,740 --> 00:09:42,732
Starting from... Just a minute.

161
00:09:45,180 --> 00:09:47,694
Oh, itchy nose.

162
00:09:49,180 --> 00:09:51,455
All right, you ready? OK,
starting...

163
00:09:51,500 --> 00:09:52,853
Get out of the way.

164
00:09:52,900 --> 00:09:56,449
Oh, sorry, Bulent.
All right, are you ready?

165
00:09:56,500 --> 00:09:58,491
All right. Get out of the way!

166
00:09:58,540 --> 00:10:01,213
Sorry, sorry, Bulent.

167
00:10:01,260 --> 00:10:03,979
OK. Starting from now!

168
00:10:23,700 --> 00:10:25,691
How long was that?
Give me a tenner!

169
00:10:25,740 --> 00:10:28,334
Oh, no, no, no, no. That's not fair!

170
00:10:28,380 --> 00:10:30,735
That was a full minute, at least
a full minute.

171
00:10:30,780 --> 00:10:33,931
And anyway, how am
I supposed to know how long it was?

172
00:10:33,980 --> 00:10:37,097
I can't see my watch
with my arm out like that.

173
00:10:37,140 --> 00:10:39,654
I've got people to do
and places to see!

174
00:10:41,300 --> 00:10:42,972
Anyway, we never shook hands.

175
00:10:50,220 --> 00:10:52,859
So? What are you going to do now?

176
00:10:52,900 --> 00:10:55,095
He's going to steal
the interview from you.

177
00:10:55,140 --> 00:10:57,574
He is a character.
You are not a character.

178
00:10:58,860 --> 00:11:01,135
No, I'm... I've got things to say.

179
00:11:01,180 --> 00:11:02,932
What do you have to say?

180
00:11:02,980 --> 00:11:05,972
I can talk about my interests.
Such as?

181
00:11:06,020 --> 00:11:09,695
Such as lots of things.
Such as walking.

182
00:11:09,740 --> 00:11:11,332
I like walking.

183
00:11:11,380 --> 00:11:16,135
Walking? Very interesting.
What else?

184
00:11:17,700 --> 00:11:19,019
And...

185
00:11:22,900 --> 00:11:25,733
Walking, I've covered.
You see?

186
00:11:25,780 --> 00:11:29,090
This is going to end up being
a documentary about idiot man.

187
00:11:32,500 --> 00:11:35,060
Come in.

188
00:11:35,100 --> 00:11:38,137
Erm, look, I was wondering
if I could ask you a favour?

189
00:11:38,180 --> 00:11:39,693
Oh, that's good, cos I need one.

190
00:11:39,740 --> 00:11:43,289
Here, grab that brush.
I need you to paint my backside.

191
00:11:43,340 --> 00:11:44,340
I can't reach it.

192
00:11:45,780 --> 00:11:47,213
What?

193
00:11:47,260 --> 00:11:50,218
It's the only bit I can't get to.

194
00:11:50,260 --> 00:11:52,490
You just kick it off
and I'll do the rest.

195
00:12:05,980 --> 00:12:08,619
Everything all right?

196
00:12:08,660 --> 00:12:11,697
You seem a bit... tentative.

197
00:12:14,140 --> 00:12:19,214
I dunno, Arthur. Just sometimes I
wonder if my life lacks... pizzazz.

198
00:12:19,260 --> 00:12:21,728
Do you want it all the way
up the middle?

199
00:12:24,060 --> 00:12:26,858
You know, I look at someone
like Ronald Harrison,

200
00:12:26,900 --> 00:12:30,575
hanging out with Sting and inventing
a new form of polo

201
00:12:30,620 --> 00:12:31,939
and I just think...

202
00:12:31,980 --> 00:12:33,299
I feel so...

203
00:12:34,500 --> 00:12:39,051
Arthur, do you think,
sometimes, I'm a bit boring?

204
00:12:39,100 --> 00:12:40,533
Yes.

205
00:12:40,580 --> 00:12:43,697
I'm just... Sometimes
I feel... What did you say?

206
00:12:43,740 --> 00:12:47,653
Did you say, "Yes"?
How am I boring?

207
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:49,691
Well, let me put it this way.

208
00:12:49,740 --> 00:12:53,130
I bet painting my backside grey is
the most interesting thing

209
00:12:53,180 --> 00:12:54,295
you've done all day.

210
00:12:57,340 --> 00:12:58,340
Oh, God! By far!

211
00:13:01,060 --> 00:13:03,290
What's brought all this on then?

212
00:13:03,340 --> 00:13:05,979
Well, that's actually the other
thing I wanted to

213
00:13:06,020 --> 00:13:11,617
talk to you about, Arthur. You see,
I'm being interviewed for the telly.

214
00:13:11,660 --> 00:13:14,572
Yes, and I was just wondering if...

215
00:13:14,620 --> 00:13:17,054
If I could be in the television
programme?

216
00:13:18,380 --> 00:13:21,770
Oh, oh, that's the least I can do,
Michael!

217
00:13:21,820 --> 00:13:24,175
I'll be absolutely delighted.

218
00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:27,417
Oh, and, of course, they'll
want to see a bit of

219
00:13:27,460 --> 00:13:30,054
The Memory Man!

220
00:13:32,700 --> 00:13:35,658
Oh, and I've been learning some
card tricks, as well.

221
00:13:35,700 --> 00:13:38,134
Oh, where are the bloody things?

222
00:13:38,180 --> 00:13:41,695
Actually, Arthur, I was wondering
more if you could not be in it.

223
00:13:45,460 --> 00:13:46,654
What do you mean?

224
00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:49,851
Well, it's just if you get involved,
it'll become about you, I know it.

225
00:13:49,900 --> 00:13:52,733
Now, I've got enough on my plate
trying to be interesting

226
00:13:52,780 --> 00:13:55,931
without you being interesting.

227
00:13:55,980 --> 00:13:59,052
Oh, I see, it's like that, is it?

228
00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:00,772
No, it's not like that, Arthur.

229
00:14:00,820 --> 00:14:04,176
I'm just trying to be
in the spotlight for once.

230
00:14:04,220 --> 00:14:06,575
You mean, you don't want to
share the spotlight.

231
00:14:06,620 --> 00:14:07,689
Just like your dad.

232
00:14:09,100 --> 00:14:10,692
Oh, don't bring Dad into this.

233
00:14:10,740 --> 00:14:14,016
No, I'm just... Please, Arthur,
just for once,

234
00:14:14,060 --> 00:14:15,812
step back and let me have a moment.

235
00:14:15,860 --> 00:14:17,179
Don't ruin this for me.

236
00:14:17,220 --> 00:14:21,771
Ruin it? Me?
After all I've done for you.

237
00:14:21,820 --> 00:14:23,538
Give me that brush.

238
00:14:23,580 --> 00:14:26,094
I'll paint my own bottom,
thank you very much!

239
00:14:27,780 --> 00:14:30,578
Good day to you, sir.
I said, good day!

240
00:14:33,660 --> 00:14:37,130
Have you got the whole cafe in now?
Yeah, yeah, it's all here.

241
00:14:37,180 --> 00:14:38,454
OK! Are you ready to go?

242
00:14:39,660 --> 00:14:41,412
Yeah, yeah, raring to go!

243
00:14:41,460 --> 00:14:43,735
OK, Michael, can you start off by
just telling us

244
00:14:43,780 --> 00:14:45,771
a little bit about your early years?

245
00:14:45,820 --> 00:14:51,690
Er, yes, erm, I was
born in 1978 at a very tender age.

246
00:14:56,820 --> 00:14:58,299
And, erm, I was educated at...

247
00:14:58,340 --> 00:15:01,696
Sorry to stop, can we go back,
it's a bit out of focus?

248
00:15:01,740 --> 00:15:04,049
Oh, OK. We're going to go again.

249
00:15:04,100 --> 00:15:07,012
Just relax,
how about starting off with a joke?

250
00:15:08,100 --> 00:15:09,419
I thought I had?

251
00:15:09,460 --> 00:15:12,020
Oh, right.

252
00:15:14,260 --> 00:15:15,773
Sorry, go on.

253
00:15:17,060 --> 00:15:21,292
Well, I... was born in 1978 in a
small village in Berkshire.

254
00:15:24,420 --> 00:15:29,619
My father, who most people
know as Max Baker,

255
00:15:29,660 --> 00:15:32,333
and I knew him as Dad,
the comedian...

256
00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:35,452
Hello, Sinem.

257
00:15:35,500 --> 00:15:37,695
I don't want to disturb
His Highness's filming.

258
00:15:37,740 --> 00:15:39,856
I'll stay up here out the way.

259
00:15:39,900 --> 00:15:42,858
Hey, did anyone see that
horror film that was on last night?

260
00:15:51,900 --> 00:15:54,937
Actually, can we stop for a second?

261
00:15:54,980 --> 00:15:58,177
Gemma, can I have a word? Yeah.

262
00:15:59,780 --> 00:16:02,852
What's going on behind him?
Isn't that distracting?

263
00:16:02,900 --> 00:16:05,698
Yeah, what, is he
dressed as a statue or something?

264
00:16:05,740 --> 00:16:07,412
Can you just edge him out of shot?

265
00:16:07,460 --> 00:16:10,133
Oh, brilliant, Eggy, you brought it.

266
00:16:10,180 --> 00:16:13,490
It's a lovely cafe.
So much character.

267
00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:17,055
Mmm, mmm, mmm, character! Yes.
That's what I like.

268
00:16:17,100 --> 00:16:20,888
Character. Yes,
it's very real. Like me.

269
00:16:21,980 --> 00:16:25,655
The streets. The band?
What?

270
00:16:25,700 --> 00:16:30,899
The band, The Streets?
The band, the streets? Yes.

271
00:16:30,940 --> 00:16:33,613
I have no idea what you're saying.

272
00:16:38,020 --> 00:16:43,936
Mmm, but it does continue to aspire
to the mix of people.

273
00:16:43,980 --> 00:16:46,813
It's like an oasis...

274
00:16:48,980 --> 00:16:54,259
For that reason, I find it difficult,
really, to write anywhere else.

275
00:16:54,300 --> 00:16:57,337
It has become my karma...

276
00:17:02,220 --> 00:17:04,051
OK, OK, this isn't going to work.

277
00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:11,292
Oh, for God's sake!
Have you been there all this time?

278
00:17:11,340 --> 00:17:13,808
You're being distracting!

279
00:17:13,860 --> 00:17:15,293
Oh, pardon me for living!

280
00:17:16,420 --> 00:17:20,413
They don't want a statue in the
background, playing with a toilet.

281
00:17:20,460 --> 00:17:24,248
Arthur, you said you wouldn't do this
to me!

282
00:17:24,300 --> 00:17:28,578
Don't worry about me,
I know when I'm not wanted.

283
00:17:28,620 --> 00:17:30,576
You've made that perfectly clear.

284
00:17:33,580 --> 00:17:35,571
Sorry, a friend of my father's.

285
00:17:35,620 --> 00:17:39,010
Do you mind
if we take a quick break? Sure.

286
00:17:39,060 --> 00:17:42,848
Bulent, can I get a glass of water,
please? What's going on?

287
00:17:42,900 --> 00:17:46,973
What do you mean?
I'm asleep. I'm falling asleep.

288
00:17:48,060 --> 00:17:52,656
I never realised, when Arthur is not
around, you become very boring.

289
00:17:52,700 --> 00:17:53,974
You told me to get rid of him!

290
00:17:54,020 --> 00:17:57,695
Yes, but I didn't realise how boring
you were planning on being.

291
00:17:57,740 --> 00:17:59,810
What are you going to
talk about now? Walking?

292
00:18:06,060 --> 00:18:07,288
What are you up to?

293
00:18:07,340 --> 00:18:08,932
Just keeping myself amused.

294
00:18:10,860 --> 00:18:15,934
Simon, erm, what do you, erm, what do
you do for fun?

295
00:18:17,500 --> 00:18:21,334
In my spare time,
I enjoy a bit of urbex.

296
00:18:21,380 --> 00:18:23,848
Urbex. What's that exactly?

297
00:18:23,900 --> 00:18:29,452
Urban exploration.
It's a sort of extreme tourism.

298
00:18:29,500 --> 00:18:32,139
We slip into abandoned or
condemned buildings

299
00:18:32,180 --> 00:18:34,694
and just have a poke around.

300
00:18:34,740 --> 00:18:36,332
That sounds dangerous.

301
00:18:36,380 --> 00:18:38,291
Not if you know what you're doing.

302
00:18:38,340 --> 00:18:39,568
Right.

303
00:19:15,460 --> 00:19:18,099
So, Michael, can you tell us
what inspires you?

304
00:19:19,340 --> 00:19:21,615
Oh, what doesn't inspire me?

305
00:19:21,660 --> 00:19:25,369
A dog looking at a table might be
the basis for an entire novel.

306
00:19:27,140 --> 00:19:28,698
Obviously, a short-ish one.

307
00:19:28,740 --> 00:19:30,890
Well, let's move off work for a
minute.

308
00:19:30,940 --> 00:19:32,692
What do you do
when you're not writing?

309
00:19:32,740 --> 00:19:33,934
What do you do for fun?

310
00:19:35,900 --> 00:19:41,497
Well, I guess the main way that
I get my kicks these days is the...

311
00:19:43,340 --> 00:19:45,774
...extreme walking.

312
00:19:45,820 --> 00:19:47,731
The what?

313
00:19:47,780 --> 00:19:49,133
Extreme walking.

314
00:19:49,180 --> 00:19:53,810
Extreme walking?
I don't think I've ever heard of it.

315
00:19:53,860 --> 00:19:56,328
Yeah, well, it's a quite
an underground thing, really.

316
00:19:56,380 --> 00:19:58,177
Well, what does it involve?

317
00:19:58,220 --> 00:20:00,051
It's just what it sounds like.

318
00:20:00,100 --> 00:20:02,056
It sounds dangerous.

319
00:20:02,100 --> 00:20:03,499
Not if you know what you're doing.

320
00:20:03,540 --> 00:20:06,293
What's extreme about it?

321
00:20:06,340 --> 00:20:08,092
The distances.

322
00:20:08,140 --> 00:20:09,812
So how far would you do in a day?

323
00:20:11,340 --> 00:20:14,252
60 miles? Wow!

324
00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:18,259
Yeah, yeah. I'm doing one this
weekend, actually.

325
00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:19,415
Can we film it?

326
00:20:21,820 --> 00:20:23,412
Yeah.

327
00:20:23,460 --> 00:20:25,690
That's so exciting.

328
00:20:25,740 --> 00:20:27,492
I know!

329
00:20:31,700 --> 00:20:34,578
You're not actually going to walk
that far, are you?

330
00:20:34,620 --> 00:20:35,689
God, no!

331
00:20:35,740 --> 00:20:38,254
No, I'm just going to wait
until they've get enough footage

332
00:20:38,300 --> 00:20:39,858
and then I'll jump in a taxi.

333
00:20:45,380 --> 00:20:47,735
Hello, Arthur.

334
00:20:47,780 --> 00:20:48,815
Hello, Michael.

335
00:20:50,620 --> 00:20:52,451
How's the statue-ing?

336
00:20:52,500 --> 00:20:54,058
Fine.

337
00:20:54,100 --> 00:20:55,499
How's the interviewing?

338
00:20:56,820 --> 00:20:57,820
Fine.

339
00:21:00,420 --> 00:21:03,253
Well, if you'll excuse me.

340
00:21:06,300 --> 00:21:07,449
Nature calls.

341
00:21:10,140 --> 00:21:11,698
Ready for part two?

342
00:21:11,740 --> 00:21:13,731
Yes, yes, yes. Right, let's go!

343
00:21:18,260 --> 00:21:20,694
There are quite a few people here!

344
00:21:20,740 --> 00:21:22,856
Yeah, sorry, I put
something up on Facebook

345
00:21:22,900 --> 00:21:25,050
about your walk and it attracted a
lot of attention.

346
00:21:25,100 --> 00:21:28,615
Do you mind if I ask? What kind
of speed should I be aiming for?

347
00:21:28,660 --> 00:21:31,379
Yeah, are we doing the full 60
miles today or...?

348
00:21:33,540 --> 00:21:35,770
Well, I usually like to
do it on my own.

349
00:21:36,860 --> 00:21:40,091
Oh, don't worry, we'll hang back
a bit. Where are we going?

350
00:21:41,620 --> 00:21:46,091
Don't know! It's one of the
extreme things about it.

351
00:21:47,180 --> 00:21:48,180
How does it start?

352
00:21:51,100 --> 00:21:55,730
I just, erm... I just go.

353
00:21:55,780 --> 00:21:57,008
OK, then.

354
00:22:11,180 --> 00:22:12,772
How's it all going, Arthur?

355
00:22:12,820 --> 00:22:15,732
I tell you, Eggy, I'm still having
no luck with that spot.

356
00:22:15,780 --> 00:22:16,895
Got to do something.

357
00:22:18,180 --> 00:22:21,650
Legend tells of an extreme
statue-ing move

358
00:22:21,700 --> 00:22:23,895
attempted only by the elite.

359
00:22:23,940 --> 00:22:27,979
They call it The Stalking Tiger.

360
00:22:28,020 --> 00:22:30,853
That's Alien Bounty Hunter's
signature move.

361
00:22:30,900 --> 00:22:32,731
You can't be taking his material!

362
00:22:32,780 --> 00:22:34,532
Oh, what's he going to do?

363
00:22:34,580 --> 00:22:38,539
But it's a very advanced move,
Arthur. It's dangerous.

364
00:22:38,580 --> 00:22:41,094
Enough, Eggy. My time has come.

365
00:22:42,500 --> 00:22:46,573
I am about to go out there
and do nothing like no-one has ever

366
00:22:46,620 --> 00:22:51,057
done nothing before, in the whole
history of not doing anything.

367
00:22:54,220 --> 00:22:55,972
Farewell, old friend.

368
00:23:13,180 --> 00:23:15,740
I don't know how you do it,
I'm tired already.

369
00:23:15,780 --> 00:23:17,816
What would you say we've walked
so far?

370
00:23:17,860 --> 00:23:19,418
Ah, about ten miles?

371
00:23:19,460 --> 00:23:21,815
I think it's more like one mile,
actually.

372
00:23:23,740 --> 00:23:26,174
Well, I think we've got
enough from this angle,

373
00:23:26,220 --> 00:23:28,893
we're going to jump in the car
and get the rest from there.

374
00:23:28,940 --> 00:23:32,535
See you at the end of the walk, OK?
Good luck. Great.

375
00:24:45,100 --> 00:24:46,977
I'm coming, I'm coming.

376
00:24:59,860 --> 00:25:02,533
What happened to you?
What happened to you?

377
00:25:04,260 --> 00:25:08,458
The doctor said I shouldn't be
staying still all day, every day.

378
00:25:08,500 --> 00:25:13,290
My body can't cope with
the inactivity.

379
00:25:13,340 --> 00:25:16,252
How about you?
The exact opposite.

380
00:25:17,340 --> 00:25:22,289
Argh! I have to give up
the extreme walking.

381
00:25:22,340 --> 00:25:26,538
Extreme walking?
What's extreme walking?

382
00:25:26,580 --> 00:25:28,571
It's all the rage.

383
00:25:28,620 --> 00:25:36,049
Arthur, I'm sorry for keeping you
out of the documentary. Argh!

384
00:25:37,540 --> 00:25:41,010
We've got one more interview to do
and I'd love you to be in it.

385
00:25:41,060 --> 00:25:42,175
No, no, no.

386
00:25:42,220 --> 00:25:47,931
Please, Arthur. When you're not
around, I'm half interesting at best.

387
00:25:47,980 --> 00:25:49,015
Oh, nonsense.

388
00:25:50,100 --> 00:25:53,854
I appreciate what you're trying to
do, Michael,

389
00:25:53,900 --> 00:25:55,891
but it's your big moment.

390
00:25:55,940 --> 00:26:01,936
I think we both know what it's like
to be in somebody else's shadow.

391
00:26:01,980 --> 00:26:08,169
Thank you, Arthur, and
if you ever need your bottom painted,

392
00:26:08,220 --> 00:26:09,892
I hope you'll call on me.

393
00:26:09,940 --> 00:26:11,293
I'll be in touch.

394
00:26:16,260 --> 00:26:19,730
People don't believe us, but we're
actually very good friends.

395
00:26:19,780 --> 00:26:23,614
There's a very healthy
competitive rivalry. Hey, Arthur!

396
00:26:23,660 --> 00:26:25,935
I didn't know
he was doing it today.

397
00:26:25,980 --> 00:26:27,891
I wanted to keep a low profile.

398
00:26:27,940 --> 00:26:30,056
Yeah, well, sit here
and have a natter.

399
00:26:30,100 --> 00:26:32,534
All right,
but I don't want to get in his way.

400
00:26:34,780 --> 00:26:38,170
Ronald Harrison?
He's an excellent writer.

401
00:26:38,220 --> 00:26:39,778
It's very annoying.

402
00:26:39,820 --> 00:26:42,380
Let's talk about what you're
working on at the moment.

403
00:26:42,420 --> 00:26:44,251
Well, I don't want to say
too much about it

404
00:26:44,300 --> 00:26:48,418
but it's going to be set in this
cafe, actually.

405
00:26:48,460 --> 00:26:52,772
It's, I guess...

406
00:27:20,380 --> 00:27:21,893
Can't we just ignore them?