Could you just...?
You're like a five-year-old. Just sit still.
I don't know how you can stand it. You've been sat there for hours.
I'm just enjoying reading the papers!
Look at that - "Bishop attacks single mothers."
Well, I hope they caught him!
Oh, 'ere, Maria.
Was it you who was saying you were looking for a new toilet seat?
I did, Arthur. I fell on my one. Well, you're in luck.
A friend of a friend works in the factory that does them.
OK, Arthur, thank you.
Oh, one thing. He says some of them are a bit squeaky.
I don't want it then. No, I'm kidding!
Things aren't going so great I can turn down a toilet seat!
Hello, Maria! Ah, lovely cup of tea.
Oh, someone's in a good mood.
Ah, it's just one of those moments, yeah?
When you look at your life and think, yes, I'm content.
You know? Just as simple as that. I am content.
Well, I'm glad you're content.
Oh, for God's sake!
There's a feature on Ronald bloody Harrison!
Why is he getting a feature? His last book was out ages ago.
There's a picture of him on a horse, for God's sake.
What's he doing on a horse? He might be a jockey?
No, he's not a jockey. He's a writer.
Are you sure? That would explain why he's on a horse.
Harrison seems to have found a new lease of life
since recovering from a serious heart attack.
He's still banging on about that heart attack.
Ohh! I wish I'd had a heart attack.
Well, he's not going to win many races, him. He's too hefty.
He's not a jockey!
You can say that again. Here, I'll tell you a jockey.
Lester Piggott. Now he was a jockey, eh, John?
Oh, yeah. Probably one of the greatest flat jockeys of all time.
Here, have a look at this one.
Oh, he's a bit stocky. I don't know many stocky jockeys.
He's a very stocky jockey!
He's not a stocky jockey! He's not a jockey!
Unbelievable. And I bet he's written another book in the meantime.
He's like a machine, that man. No head or heart.
I didn't know Michael was interested in horse racing.
Neither did I. He's kept that quiet.
Eggy! Aha! There he is!
That's better!
How's he been, Eggy? I've missed having him around.
Fine, fine, thanks for looking after him.
Listen, did you hear the news?
What? You know Billy, the living statue?
Yeah? He died.
Really? Oh, that sounds serious. You can't have a dead living statue.
How do they know he died?
He fell over. Wizard Jeffrey saw it.
Oh, Wizard Jeffrey. He'll be after his spot now.
All the living statues will want that spot.
Can I ask you something, Arthur?
Oh, I needed that!
- I was just wondering... - Bombs away!
What, Eggy?
Oh, here it comes!
When you were minding Bimbo, did you keep him in the toilet?
I needed that!
I did, Eggy. He seemed to like the ambiance in there.
- It's just that... - Mission accomplished.
No. Nothing. Hey! What's that bird doing here?
Get that thing out of my cafe! This is a cafe!
All right, Bulent. Don't be like that.
Come on, Bimbo. See you, Arthur.
Birds...
Feathered, flying... f-fellows!
This pitiful desire some people have for self-promotion.
It's pathetic.
And it's the work that's important.
HE SIGHS Hello, Sheila.
Did you see the feature on Ronald Harrison this morning?
Yes, I did. In fact...
God, it was disgusting, wasn't it? This pathetic cult of personality.
It makes me sick.
Listen, Michael, BBC Four are doing a new documentary
strand on writers.
I'll do it! I'll do it! The answer is yes.
I'm definitely doing that. Thank you, Sheila!
Yeeeeeessss!
They won't be in the way. You want to film my cafe?
Well, they want to film me. The documentary is about me.
Well, that's really impressive.
Not just Michael, we're speaking to several writers about their lives.
Yes, but this bit's about me.
Yeah, they just want to just see my everyday normal life.
You don't have to do anything different.
Everyone just has to behave normally.
All right. But if you disturb the customers, you're out.
Of course! Of course. Thank you, Bulent.
Why do you interview him? He's nobody.
Why don't you put me in your documentary?
I'm very colourful and rude. Ask anybody!
Ha-ha, anyway! Anyway, thank you again, Bulent!
So, what do you think?
It's great! And you're the resident writer?
Yes, yes. I just find it difficult to write anywhere else, really.
I don't know why. So who else have you done?
So far, just Ronald Harrison.
Well, I suppose you have to fill up the programme somehow.
Oh, he's an amazing writer.
We could have done the whole documentary about him.
Don't do that.
He paints, he plays polo...
Actually, he's just invented a new form of polo.
The ball is slightly smaller, so it's more difficult.
Always thought polo was fine the way it was.
And he was really powerful about the subject of his recent heart attack.
Oh, well, we can't all be lucky enough to have had a heart attack.
Look, I'm really looking forward to this.
Yeah, I'm looking forward to getting to know the real Michael Baker.
And vice versa.
She seems nice.
Yes, yes, she's, erm... Yes.
So you're definitely doing the interview here? Yes.
Mmmm. Mmmm? What?
You said, "Mmmmm."
I'm just surprised, that's all.
What about?
It's an interesting decision. Why interesting? How?
OK. You want to come across well in this programme, yes?
All these things are nonsense, really,
but, yes, let's just suppose that is the case.
I'm just surprised you would do it here. Why?
Michael!
What's that, Arthur?
Grey emulsion. I'm going to grab that living statue spot.
You'll have a fight on your hands with Wizard Jeffrey.
Wizard Jeffrey? What's he going to do, wave his wand?
Emulsion paint? Do they use emulsion?
I think so.
I saw that Charlie Chaplain one and he was covered in it.
I don't think it's emulsion, though, Arthur.
You want to be careful, Arthur.
That woman in Goldfinger, that's how they got her.
As I remember, she was lying on her bed,
and someone snuck in and gave her a quick coat.
No, no, no, John, my memory of the film,
they would have had to have given her at least two coats of an
oil-based primer, followed by two top coats
to get her looking like that.
Yeah, I'm only giving myself the one.
Billy the living statue died. Arthur's hoping to take his spot.
It's what he would have wanted.
You can't just decide you're going to be a living statue, you know.
A skill?
I bet you can't do it. Go on. Do it now.
I bet you can't stand still for 60 seconds.
Go on, then! A tenner! A tenner? Fine!
All right. Here we go.
Wait a minute, I'm just finding the right position.
Actually, I won't do that one. Erm, oh, I'll try this one.
Oh, that's better. This is the one. I could stay like this for hours.
No, actually, I will do this one.
All right, there we go.
Starting from... Just a minute.
Oh, itchy nose.
All right, you ready? OK, starting...
Get out of the way.
Oh, sorry, Bulent. All right, are you ready?
All right. Get out of the way!
Sorry, sorry, Bulent.
OK. Starting from now!
How long was that? Give me a tenner!
Oh, no, no, no, no. That's not fair!
That was a full minute, at least a full minute.
And anyway, how am I supposed to know how long it was?
I can't see my watch with my arm out like that.
I've got people to do and places to see!
Anyway, we never shook hands.
So? What are you going to do now?
He's going to steal the interview from you.
He is a character. You are not a character.
No, I'm... I've got things to say.
What do you have to say?
I can talk about my interests. Such as?
Such as lots of things. Such as walking.
I like walking.
Walking? Very interesting. What else?
And...
Walking, I've covered. You see?
This is going to end up being a documentary about idiot man.
Come in.
Erm, look, I was wondering if I could ask you a favour?
Oh, that's good, cos I need one.
Here, grab that brush. I need you to paint my backside.
I can't reach it.
What?
It's the only bit I can't get to.
You just kick it off and I'll do the rest.
Everything all right?
You seem a bit... tentative.
I dunno, Arthur. Just sometimes I wonder if my life lacks... pizzazz.
Do you want it all the way up the middle?
You know, I look at someone like Ronald Harrison,
hanging out with Sting and inventing a new form of polo
and I just think...
I feel so...
Arthur, do you think, sometimes, I'm a bit boring?
Yes.
I'm just... Sometimes I feel... What did you say?
Did you say, "Yes"? How am I boring?
Well, let me put it this way.
I bet painting my backside grey is the most interesting thing
you've done all day.
Oh, God! By far!
What's brought all this on then?
Well, that's actually the other thing I wanted to
talk to you about, Arthur. You see, I'm being interviewed for the telly.
Yes, and I was just wondering if...
If I could be in the television programme?
Oh, oh, that's the least I can do, Michael!
I'll be absolutely delighted.
Oh, and, of course, they'll want to see a bit of
The Memory Man!
Oh, and I've been learning some card tricks, as well.
Oh, where are the bloody things?
Actually, Arthur, I was wondering more if you could not be in it.
What do you mean?
Well, it's just if you get involved, it'll become about you, I know it.
Now, I've got enough on my plate trying to be interesting
without you being interesting.
Oh, I see, it's like that, is it?
No, it's not like that, Arthur.
I'm just trying to be in the spotlight for once.
You mean, you don't want to share the spotlight.
Just like your dad.
Oh, don't bring Dad into this.
No, I'm just... Please, Arthur, just for once,
step back and let me have a moment.
Don't ruin this for me.
Ruin it? Me? After all I've done for you.
Give me that brush.
I'll paint my own bottom, thank you very much!
Good day to you, sir. I said, good day!
Have you got the whole cafe in now? Yeah, yeah, it's all here.
OK! Are you ready to go?
Yeah, yeah, raring to go!
OK, Michael, can you start off by just telling us
a little bit about your early years?
Er, yes, erm, I was born in 1978 at a very tender age.
And, erm, I was educated at...
Sorry to stop, can we go back, it's a bit out of focus?
Oh, OK. We're going to go again.
Just relax, how about starting off with a joke?
I thought I had?
Oh, right.
Sorry, go on.
Well, I... was born in 1978 in a small village in Berkshire.
My father, who most people know as Max Baker,
and I knew him as Dad, the comedian...
Hello, Sinem.
I don't want to disturb His Highness's filming.
I'll stay up here out the way.
Hey, did anyone see that horror film that was on last night?
Actually, can we stop for a second?
Gemma, can I have a word? Yeah.
What's going on behind him? Isn't that distracting?
Yeah, what, is he dressed as a statue or something?
Can you just edge him out of shot?
Oh, brilliant, Eggy, you brought it.
It's a lovely cafe. So much character.
Mmm, mmm, mmm, character! Yes. That's what I like.
Character. Yes, it's very real. Like me.
The streets. The band? What?
The band, The Streets? The band, the streets? Yes.
I have no idea what you're saying.
Mmm, but it does continue to aspire to the mix of people.
It's like an oasis...
For that reason, I find it difficult, really, to write anywhere else.
It has become my karma...
OK, OK, this isn't going to work.
Oh, for God's sake! Have you been there all this time?
You're being distracting!
Oh, pardon me for living!
They don't want a statue in the background, playing with a toilet.
Arthur, you said you wouldn't do this to me!
Don't worry about me, I know when I'm not wanted.
You've made that perfectly clear.
Sorry, a friend of my father's.
Do you mind if we take a quick break? Sure.
Bulent, can I get a glass of water, please? What's going on?
What do you mean? I'm asleep. I'm falling asleep.
I never realised, when Arthur is not around, you become very boring.
You told me to get rid of him!
Yes, but I didn't realise how boring you were planning on being.
What are you going to talk about now? Walking?
What are you up to?
Just keeping myself amused.
Simon, erm, what do you, erm, what do you do for fun?
In my spare time, I enjoy a bit of urbex.
Urbex. What's that exactly?
Urban exploration. It's a sort of extreme tourism.
We slip into abandoned or condemned buildings
and just have a poke around.
That sounds dangerous.
Not if you know what you're doing.
Right.
So, Michael, can you tell us what inspires you?
Oh, what doesn't inspire me?
A dog looking at a table might be the basis for an entire novel.
Obviously, a short-ish one.
Well, let's move off work for a minute.
What do you do when you're not writing?
What do you do for fun?
Well, I guess the main way that I get my kicks these days is the...
...extreme walking.
The what?
Extreme walking.
Extreme walking? I don't think I've ever heard of it.
Yeah, well, it's a quite an underground thing, really.
Well, what does it involve?
It's just what it sounds like.
It sounds dangerous.
Not if you know what you're doing.
What's extreme about it?
The distances.
So how far would you do in a day?
60 miles? Wow!
Yeah, yeah. I'm doing one this weekend, actually.
Can we film it?
Yeah.
That's so exciting.
I know!
You're not actually going to walk that far, are you?
God, no!
No, I'm just going to wait until they've get enough footage
and then I'll jump in a taxi.
Hello, Arthur.
Hello, Michael.
How's the statue-ing?
Fine.
How's the interviewing?
Fine.
Well, if you'll excuse me.
Nature calls.
Ready for part two?
Yes, yes, yes. Right, let's go!
There are quite a few people here!
Yeah, sorry, I put something up on Facebook
about your walk and it attracted a lot of attention.
Do you mind if I ask? What kind of speed should I be aiming for?
Yeah, are we doing the full 60 miles today or...?
Well, I usually like to do it on my own.
Oh, don't worry, we'll hang back a bit. Where are we going?
Don't know! It's one of the extreme things about it.
How does it start?
I just, erm... I just go.
OK, then.
How's it all going, Arthur?
I tell you, Eggy, I'm still having no luck with that spot.
Got to do something.
Legend tells of an extreme statue-ing move
attempted only by the elite.
They call it The Stalking Tiger.
That's Alien Bounty Hunter's signature move.
You can't be taking his material!
Oh, what's he going to do?
But it's a very advanced move, Arthur. It's dangerous.
Enough, Eggy. My time has come.
I am about to go out there and do nothing like no-one has ever
done nothing before, in the whole history of not doing anything.
Farewell, old friend.
I don't know how you do it, I'm tired already.
What would you say we've walked so far?
Ah, about ten miles?
I think it's more like one mile, actually.
Well, I think we've got enough from this angle,
we're going to jump in the car and get the rest from there.
See you at the end of the walk, OK? Good luck. Great.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
What happened to you? What happened to you?
The doctor said I shouldn't be staying still all day, every day.
My body can't cope with the inactivity.
How about you? The exact opposite.
Argh! I have to give up the extreme walking.
Extreme walking? What's extreme walking?
It's all the rage.
Arthur, I'm sorry for keeping you out of the documentary. Argh!
We've got one more interview to do and I'd love you to be in it.
No, no, no.
Please, Arthur. When you're not around, I'm half interesting at best.
Oh, nonsense.
I appreciate what you're trying to do, Michael,
but it's your big moment.
I think we both know what it's like to be in somebody else's shadow.
Thank you, Arthur, and if you ever need your bottom painted,
I hope you'll call on me.
I'll be in touch.
People don't believe us, but we're actually very good friends.
There's a very healthy competitive rivalry. Hey, Arthur!
I didn't know he was doing it today.
I wanted to keep a low profile.
Yeah, well, sit here and have a natter.
All right, but I don't want to get in his way.
Ronald Harrison? He's an excellent writer.
It's very annoying.
Let's talk about what you're working on at the moment.
Well, I don't want to say too much about it
but it's going to be set in this cafe, actually.
It's, I guess...
Can't we just ignore them?