Helleeo?
Hello, can you tell me who I'm talking to, please?
I don't know. I can't see you.
I'm sorry?
I can't see you. What does he look like?
Who?
The person you're speaking to.
Oh! No, no, I meant you. Me?
Yes. What about me?
Can you tell me who you are?
Oh, I see. Oh, yes, yes, I can certainly do that.
Very well, thank you. How are you?
Can you tell me who you are?
I already said. I did!
You asked me if I could tell you who I am and I told you I could.
Dear, oh, dear.
Very well, thank you very much.
No, what's your name?!
Oh, I do apologise. Arthur Strong. Count Arthur Strong.
Hi, Arthur. I'm Eddie.
Eddie? Well, I never!
Hello, Eddie! How are things?
They're good. Thank you, Arthur.
It's a turn up for the books you calling me after all these years.
You must be in your 90s by now!
No, we don't know each other.
I beg your pardon, Eddie? We don't know each other.
Oh, well, I suspose you may have a point.
I mean, we only met a couple of times.
And who can say one really KNOWS another person?
I mean, really knows them, deep down inside.
Oh! Um, how's Barbara doing, Eddie?
Did she have the operation?
No, no, we don't know each other.
Oh, you and Barbara?
I thought you were very close?
Look, we don't know each other. I'm not that Eddie.
There's no Barbara. I'm calling about life insurance.
I want to know if you're interested in life insurance.
Life insurance? Yes! Are you interested!
No.
Eddie. After all these years.
That's it. Ah, finally!
Enjoy. Thank you.
What's happening? I got satellite. 900 channels!
Oh. And most of them are just the worst kind of pap.
Anyway, I just got it for Dangerous Attraction.
What's that? Oh, don't get him started.
A weekly drama. It's a soap!
A weekly drama about a brother and sister who run a business.
Their lives are RUINED when an interloper steals the sister away,
causing a rift which never heals.
Right.
Last week, the brother put poison in the interloper's drink,
which made his manhood fall off. £1 .30.
Turkish soaps are so over the top.
Yes, yes, it does seem a bit far-fetched.
Yes, something like that would never happen. Ha-ha!
Michael! I found me old tap shoes!
♪ It's a long way to Tipperary
♪ It's a long way to go... ♪
Well, you see, most tap shoes
only have two tap points at the front and back. I've had two more
put on the sides of these,
so it sounds like you're a couple of skill levels up.
Nice to see you in a good mood.
Oh, well, I've just got off the phone with an old friend.
What about you? You must be feeling pretty good about yourself.
Love is in the air. Yep.
What's wrong?
I dunno. Just... I'm not used to things going well.
I always feel like some terrible thing is going to happen
just to even it all out.
Oh, for crying out loud. I can't help it.
Every piece of good news goes straight to my back.
It says 637, but that's not it.
'..ladies and gentlemen, I am Mr Mystery Man...'
Hey look at this, Arthur. That turban looks a bit like yours!
That's my memory man act!
What programme's this? "Psychic Hotline"?
'..And what we're going to get is...
it's definitely going to be a "woooo!"
I do that noise! That's one of the noises I do! He's stolen my act!
How do you explain that, then?
Well, he's just wearing a turban! And how could he have seen it?
Who else has seen it apart from us? How can you be so naive, Michael?
He's psychic!
I'm furious, absolutely furious.
All right, calm down. That act is my ineffectual property.
It's one of those premium rate phone-in things.
Well, I've got to stop them. That's defecation of character.
Can you send them a letter on that?
Yes, I suppose I could find an e-mail address or something.
Oh, actually, Michael,
do you think you could you find out their actual address for me?
I'd much rather send them a handwritten letter.
Oh, no reason. Just I prefer the personal touch.
All right. You're not going to do anything silly, are you?
A strongly worded letter is the full extent of my ambition.
...despatch is somewhere along that road? You need to go left
at the bottom of this road...
All right, all right, calm down.
I will not calm down! You lot stole my act!
It's my act, is that! Take it easy, Arthur.
I'm sure it's just a coincidence.
He's psychic! There are no coincidences with psychics!
He probably entered me in my sleep. That's how they do it.
I should know, I'm one myself! I am.
I tell the future, read minds, the lot.
Test me! No need for that. There you are!
I knew what you were going to say before you said it.
Listen, there's someone I'd like you to meet -
Would you like to come this - Come this way? Yes, I would.
So, Arthur, I understand you have
a complaint about one of our presenters. James.
The turban? Yeah, he was just trying it out.
We can certainly ask him to stop wearing it.
And you're a psychic yourself?
Psychic, magician, actor, singer.
I do, em... windows, the lot.
You name it, I've stuck a finger in it.
Why do I recognise him?
He's the one that punched that politician. Became a local hero.
Right! And you're thinking the four o'clock spot?
He's eccentric, but that sometimes plays well.
And he can waffle for England.
Are you all right?
I've just had some very good news.
Oh, no.
I know. You know Bill Mason, the film director?
Apparently he really likes my book. Gahhh! Sorry.
He's making a film about the old variety days and he wants me
to help him write it. Ohhhhhhh!
That's great! Michael, that's amazing! I know.
They gave me a job! What?
Yesterday at the psychic hotline!
I'm going to be a psychic hotline psychic!
Yes, they said I had all the qualities
they look for in a presenter.
This is going to bigger than when I had that meeting with Louis Walsh.
Strictly speaking, that wasn't a meeting, Arthur.
You saw him on the street and you chased him.
Yes, and when I took him down I met him.
How is that not a meeting? You're always trying to poke holes, you.
No, I'm not, I'm not! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm pleased for you.
Eggy, John, do you want to come and see me do my first show?
As my very special guests, of course.
Hello, Sheila.
Next stop - Hollywood, Arthur!
Oh, now, now Eggy, don't let's get ahead of ourselves.
But perhaps I should start the visa process.
I just found out how much money they're going to pay me!
Look at this!
Hey. Well.
Look at all this fruit!
Five bananas!
A banana for every day of the week excluding weekends!
Oh, I tell you what, this is it, lads.
I've made it, I'm back, back at the top. There's a shower!
Is there?! Oh, well, of course.
One often finds showers in the high-end dressing rooms.
I'm going to have a shower!
There's a fridge just for water!
Oh, again, Eggy, it's very common.
The fruit, the shower, and now a fridge full of water...
This is a whole new world.
Oh, these trappings of stardom are meaningless to one such as I.
Remember, it's not the first time
I've risen to these rarefied heights.
OK, Arthur, we're ready for you.
Oooh! Ooooh! They're ready for me! What am I going to say?
What am I going to do? Calm down! I'm sure you'll be great.
Just be yourself.
Right, thank you, Annabel.
Let's get you into make-up, then. Righto! Come on, Eggy!
Well, hello.
Have a seat. Right, good luck.
Let's just check that...
Remember, just be yourself. Put this in your ear.
I'll be there whenever you get in trouble. OK? Good.
There we go. All good? Right.
OK, on in
10, 9, 8, 7, 6,
5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
"Hello..."
Hello, my name is Count Arthur Strong.
Welcome to my mystical world of mesmerism.
Let's go to, uh, line one.
'Er... hi, my name's Matt...'
- And where's Craig? - 'There is no Craig!'
You said there was! 'My name is Sally Craig!'
Oh, I see! Craig's your husband?
Right then, Sally, now we've got your name sorted out
we can get onto...
I can't remember why I called you now.
'I called you!'
I don't know if he's terrible or brilliant.
Well, look how long he's keeping them on the phone.
It's taking him five minutes to figure out their name.
How many calls lined up? It's a full list. People like him.
'Well, you can get it from the shops, can't you?'
He's doing OK... I guess.
What are you talking about? It stinks. What?
He's conning people! Talking to them on the phone to get their money.
I've had my problems with idiot man, but this... I never expected this.
All right, that's lovely, thank you. Bye.
Oh, my God, look at you. Will you please cheer up?
What's going to happen? What?
Something's going to happen. Everything's going too well.
What's it going to be? What's what going to be?
The thing! The terrible thing!
It's going to be big, I know it.
Michael. Yeah?
The world doesn't work like that.
I know.
You have just as much right to be happy as anyone else.
I know.
Thank you.
Michael!
I never got round to asking you if you saw my programme?
Yes. Yes, we did. What did you think of it?
It was good... good.
Just... I don't know...
I like it when you do your songs and your silly jokes.
This does seem to be you just...
on the phone.
Yes, yes, but it's one step at a time.
You can't expect to on the Royal Variety Performance
after a week on the telly. You have to start small.
But even the tiniest acorn will one day grow into a...
massive chicken.
Good for you, Arthur.
I hope you don't get too famous that you won't speak to me.
Oh, it'll take a much more than the psychotic hotline to do that.
I think you'll find we have our heads screwed on tight around here.
Hello, boys.
Hello, John.
All right, John?
See the match last night?
I did. They're looking quite handy at the moment, Tottenham.
They could do with another striker, though.
What the hell was that? What was what?
That - what's that?
Oh, you noticed, did you? It's a subtle effect, not everybody does.
Subtle? He's got a cat on his head!
Hello. Michael Baker speaking.
'Hi, Michael. Mr Mason is running a bit late.
'Are you OK to hang on another few minutes?'
Um, yes, that's fine, thank you, thank you.
Just waiting for a call from Bill Mason.
Doesn't matter. He's a famous director.
Oh, oh, oh, of course, Bill Mason, the famous director.
Oh, yes, yes. Hey, it's really happening for both of us, isn't it?
How is Bill?
Do you know him? No.
But you know Oliver Reed? Yes.
I know him. Yeah. I sat in a car with him.
Oh, he's full of life, he is.
Not any more. What?
He's dead now, of course.
How are you expecting a phone call from him then?
I'm not. You said you were.
No, I'm expecting a call from Bill Mason.
No, about a film. He wants me to write a film with him.
About Oliver Reed? No!
What, then, is Oliver Reed going to be in it?
I thought he was dead! He is!
Then how's he going to be in the film?
Oliver Reed's got nothing to do with it!
Then why do you keep going on about him?
I didn't! You said you were expecting a call from him!
Michael, could you help me with something outside, please?
What? Oh, yes, yeah, of course.
What is it I can help you with?
Oh, right. Oh, yes, I can help you with that.
Is Michael all right? He seems a bit jumpy today.
He's expecting a phone call from Oliver Reed.
He's dead. He is.
So I don't know how he's expecting a phone call.
You should answer that, Arthur.
Hello?
'Mr Baker? I have Mr Mason for you.'
'Hi, Michael. Thanks for being so patient with us.'
'Do you mind if we press straight on? I've just a small window, I'm afraid.
'Let me introduce you around the room. I'm here with Martin Stark...
'Hi, Michael.' Oh, but...
'Sandra Clancy."Hello, Michael.' Hello, but...
'Warren Stevens."Hello.' Oh, hello.
'Jake Mancowitz."Hi, Michael.' Hello, Jake!
'And Monica Freeman.' 'Hello, there.'
Oh, hello. That's a lovely name, that, Monica, isn't it?
You don't hear that very much these days, do you? Is that everyone?
Right, let me tell you who I've got here with me.
I've got John. John the Watch. Say hello, John.
What? Say hello.
Hello?
'Hello, John.'
Who am I speaking to?
I'd better get back in. Bulent will notice.
Oh, let him notice.
I could stay here all day - the phone call! The phone call! The phone call!
Hello, Monica. That's a lovely name, isn't it?
You don't hear that very often these days.
'Sorry, Michael, who are these people?'
I keep trying to tell you I'm not Michael
but you and your friends just kept saying hello.
'Wait, is Michael even there?' Think he might be on the toilet.
He was looking uncomfortable earlier so it wouldn't surprise me.
Do you want me to bang on the door?
LINE DISCONNECTS Hello?
Oh, they've hung up.
Oh, it's all right. I just told them you were on the toilet.
Arthur...
Arthur, I need some advice.
Oh, right, but you'll have to be quick, I'm expecting
a very important call from the studio.
The terrible thing.
It happened. What?
Well, you remember Bill, the director of the film?
It's on.
But that's a good thing.
Yes, but I hadn't realised that he wants me to go to LA
to work with him on it.
I could be gone...
I could be gone for months.
It's such a big opportunity. I don't know what to do.
What shall I do?
Michael, if there's one thing I've learned,
you've got to put your career first.
You'll never forgive yourself if you don't take this opportunity.
Sinem will understand.
Oh, sorry, I've got to take this.
Since when did you have a mobile phone?
I'll talk to you later, Michael. I hope that helped.
John, let's roll.
It's not him, Michael. Sorry?
That's not Arthur. I don't know who it is.
He's changed.
John, too. Can you have a word with him?
Yes, of course, I just, um...
I just need to do something first.
Of course! I totally agree with Arthur.
You can't turn this down.
Well, it is a life-changing opportunity, I suppose. Exactly!
I would not want to be the reason you say no to something like that.
And we can pick up where we left off, couldn't we?
Of course we will! Michael, I'm so happy for you.
This is brilliant.
Oh, OK. I feel a bit better about it now, I suppose.
You ready, Michael?
Um, yes, yes, Eggy, of course. We're going to see Arthur.
Eggy thinks we need to stage an intervention. I'll see you later?
Of course.
I'm just going to go and do the veg.
Now, I'm sure you'll understand I have a certain position
to maintain within show business circles.
Then how can I do that with a loose toilet seat situation?
Suppose someone from the West End dropped in to say hello.
Michael Ball, for example.
I wouldn't know where to look if he fell into the toilet!
I'll get maintenance onto it for you.
That would be darling of you.
And this.
What is wrong with this picture?
I particularly told you I like speckledy bananas.
Are they speckledy bananas?
And these! These plums have gone off!
They just go like that, don't they?
I'm asking you to be vigilant and remove them
before they reach that stage.
To return once again to the Michael Ball scenario,
can you imagine the embarrassment if the first thing he saw
when he came in here were my shrivelled, withered plums?
Word would spread like wildfire!
Right, I'll just take them out then, shall I?
Whatever happened to professionalism?
Nonsense. I'm a highly valued member of the psychotic community.
Annabel was just saying that to me today.
Yes, but she likes you because you keep people on the phone, Arthur.
I give good advice. I help people! For £1 .90 a minute!
Yeah, well this is just a stepping stone for me, this is.
I'm on me way back to the top.
If you want something in this life you have to go out and grab it,
and that's just what I'm doing.
What's the matter? Don't you want me to be successful?
Of course I want you to be successful, but not like this.
This is just a scam! If you just calmed down and thought about it
for a few seconds, you'd see that, too.
Oh, and you're all right, aren't you, eh? Running off to America.
Getting a job off the back of my story.
It should be me going there.
I know more about that world than you do.
You've just used me.
Arthur, that's not fair. Too right it's not fair!
It's not fair that I have to sit in the cafe
while the world passes me by!
It's not fair that your dad left me just when things were getting going!
It's not fair that my story - my story - is the reason
you're going to America!
It's not fair! It's not fair! None of it's fair!
Now, if you don't mind, I've got a show to do.
Goodbye, Arthur.
Arthur...
Go then! Go on, the lot of you! I don't care!
I have all the water I need!
Do you hear me? All the water I need!
All right, that's enough, get off.
Nice and quiet, please. In 10...
9...
8...
7...
6...
5...
4...
3...
2...
1.
I've made a terrible mistake!
'Eggy, John, please don't leave.
'Don't let Michael leave. I've got something to say.'
'John, Eggy.'
I couldn't hope for better friends than you.
You can have all the bananas and water in the world
but it doesn't mean anything if you haven't got anyone to share it with.
'And Michael, '
that advice I gave you...
I couldn't have been more wrong.
Sinem is more important
'than anything. Oh, for goodness' sake don't listen to me, '
I talk nonsense at the best of times.
'And the same goes for the rest of you out there.'
Don't go phoning premium numbers, getting advice from charlatans.
What did he say?
What the bloody hell is going on? Somebody's in there! Let me see!
'No-one can see into the future.
'It's all a show, a bit of fun.'
But it isn't even that if you have to pay for it.
So what I want you to do today
is put your telephones down,
settle back,
and enjoy something a little bit different.
A one, two, a one, two, three.
♪ It's a long way to Tipperary... ♪
'♪ It's a long way to go
♪ It's a long way to Tipperary... ♪'
Are you sure you're making the right decision?
I wasn't, but...
this is absolutely the right thing to do.
Goodbye, Michael.
Bye, Arthur.