1
00:00:17,820 --> 00:00:19,048
Helleeo?

2
00:00:19,100 --> 00:00:22,137
Hello, can you tell me
who I'm talking to, please?

3
00:00:22,180 --> 00:00:24,250
I don't know. I can't see you.

4
00:00:26,940 --> 00:00:28,373
I'm sorry?

5
00:00:28,420 --> 00:00:30,888
I can't see you.
What does he look like?

6
00:00:37,580 --> 00:00:38,695
Who?

7
00:00:38,740 --> 00:00:40,253
The person you're speaking to.

8
00:00:42,500 --> 00:00:45,697
Oh! No, no, I meant you.
Me?

9
00:00:45,740 --> 00:00:47,651
Yes.
What about me?

10
00:00:47,700 --> 00:00:49,656
Can you tell me who you are?

11
00:00:49,700 --> 00:00:53,488
Oh, I see. Oh, yes, yes,
I can certainly do that.

12
00:00:58,140 --> 00:01:00,779
Very well, thank you.
How are you?

13
00:01:02,540 --> 00:01:04,496
Can you tell me who you are?

14
00:01:04,540 --> 00:01:07,259
I already said.
I did!

15
00:01:07,300 --> 00:01:10,610
You asked me if I could tell you
who I am and I told you I could.

16
00:01:10,660 --> 00:01:12,013
Dear, oh, dear.

17
00:01:16,820 --> 00:01:20,051
Very well, thank you very much.

18
00:01:20,100 --> 00:01:22,295
No, what's your name?!

19
00:01:22,340 --> 00:01:26,856
Oh, I do apologise. Arthur Strong.
Count Arthur Strong.

20
00:01:26,900 --> 00:01:29,334
Hi, Arthur. I'm Eddie.

21
00:01:29,380 --> 00:01:32,213
Eddie? Well, I never!

22
00:01:32,260 --> 00:01:35,218
Hello, Eddie!
How are things?

23
00:01:35,260 --> 00:01:37,854
They're good. Thank you, Arthur.

24
00:01:37,900 --> 00:01:41,290
It's a turn up for the books you
calling me after all these years.

25
00:01:41,340 --> 00:01:43,535
You must be in your 90s by now!

26
00:01:45,580 --> 00:01:48,014
No, we don't know each other.

27
00:01:48,060 --> 00:01:51,370
I beg your pardon, Eddie?
We don't know each other.

28
00:01:51,420 --> 00:01:53,650
Oh, well, I suspose
you may have a point.

29
00:01:53,700 --> 00:01:55,736
I mean, we only met
a couple of times.

30
00:01:55,780 --> 00:01:59,375
And who can say one really
KNOWS another person?

31
00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:02,890
I mean, really knows them,
deep down inside.

32
00:02:02,940 --> 00:02:05,500
Oh! Um, how's Barbara doing, Eddie?

33
00:02:05,540 --> 00:02:07,656
Did she have the operation?

34
00:02:07,700 --> 00:02:09,656
No, no, we don't know each other.

35
00:02:09,700 --> 00:02:11,531
Oh, you and Barbara?

36
00:02:11,580 --> 00:02:13,093
I thought you were very close?

37
00:02:13,140 --> 00:02:16,769
Look, we don't know each other.
I'm not that Eddie.

38
00:02:16,820 --> 00:02:20,176
There's no Barbara. I'm calling
about life insurance.

39
00:02:20,220 --> 00:02:24,213
I want to know if you're
interested in life insurance.

40
00:02:24,260 --> 00:02:27,172
Life insurance?
Yes! Are you interested!

41
00:02:27,220 --> 00:02:28,812
No.

42
00:02:37,500 --> 00:02:40,890
Eddie. After all these years.

43
00:03:01,060 --> 00:03:04,370
That's it.
Ah, finally!

44
00:03:04,420 --> 00:03:06,570
Enjoy.
Thank you.

45
00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:10,249
What's happening?
I got satellite. 900 channels!

46
00:03:10,300 --> 00:03:13,576
Oh. And most of them are
just the worst kind of pap.

47
00:03:19,340 --> 00:03:22,059
Anyway, I just got it
for Dangerous Attraction.

48
00:03:22,100 --> 00:03:25,297
What's that?
Oh, don't get him started.

49
00:03:25,340 --> 00:03:27,934
A weekly drama.
It's a soap!

50
00:03:27,980 --> 00:03:32,019
A weekly drama about a brother
and sister who run a business.

51
00:03:32,060 --> 00:03:36,178
Their lives are RUINED when an
interloper steals the sister away,

52
00:03:36,220 --> 00:03:38,780
causing a rift which never heals.

53
00:03:42,100 --> 00:03:43,613
Right.

54
00:03:43,660 --> 00:03:46,538
Last week, the brother put poison
in the interloper's drink,

55
00:03:46,580 --> 00:03:48,935
which made his manhood fall off.
£1 .30.

56
00:03:52,620 --> 00:03:55,009
Turkish soaps are so over the top.

57
00:03:55,060 --> 00:03:57,938
Yes, yes, it does seem
a bit far-fetched.

58
00:03:57,980 --> 00:04:00,938
Yes, something like that would
never happen. Ha-ha!

59
00:04:04,180 --> 00:04:07,855
Michael! I found me old tap shoes!

60
00:04:07,900 --> 00:04:10,858
♪ It's a long way to Tipperary

61
00:04:10,900 --> 00:04:15,098
♪ It's a long way to go... ♪

62
00:04:20,220 --> 00:04:23,769
Well, you see, most tap shoes

63
00:04:23,820 --> 00:04:26,937
only have two tap points at the
front and back. I've had two more

64
00:04:26,980 --> 00:04:28,538
put on the sides of these,

65
00:04:28,580 --> 00:04:31,538
so it sounds like you're
a couple of skill levels up.

66
00:04:35,140 --> 00:04:37,449
Nice to see you in a good mood.

67
00:04:37,500 --> 00:04:40,890
Oh, well, I've just got off
the phone with an old friend.

68
00:04:40,940 --> 00:04:46,298
What about you? You must be feeling
pretty good about yourself.

69
00:04:46,340 --> 00:04:49,696
Love is in the air.
Yep.

70
00:04:49,740 --> 00:04:51,253
What's wrong?

71
00:04:51,300 --> 00:04:56,420
I dunno. Just... I'm not
used to things going well.

72
00:04:56,460 --> 00:04:59,179
I always feel like some terrible
thing is going to happen

73
00:04:59,220 --> 00:05:00,778
just to even it all out.

74
00:05:00,820 --> 00:05:03,493
Oh, for crying out loud.
I can't help it.

75
00:05:03,540 --> 00:05:07,419
Every piece of good news
goes straight to my back.

76
00:05:07,460 --> 00:05:08,939
It says 637, but that's not it.

77
00:05:08,980 --> 00:05:12,097
'..ladies and gentlemen,
I am Mr Mystery Man...'

78
00:05:12,140 --> 00:05:16,930
Hey look at this, Arthur. That
turban looks a bit like yours!

79
00:05:16,980 --> 00:05:19,892
That's my memory man act!

80
00:05:22,420 --> 00:05:25,890
What programme's this?
"Psychic Hotline"?

81
00:05:25,940 --> 00:05:27,896
'..And what we're
going to get is...

82
00:05:27,940 --> 00:05:30,534
it's definitely going to be
a "woooo!"

83
00:05:30,580 --> 00:05:35,370
I do that noise! That's one of the
noises I do! He's stolen my act!

84
00:05:35,420 --> 00:05:38,696
How do you explain that, then?

85
00:05:38,740 --> 00:05:41,413
Well, he's just wearing a turban!
And how could he have seen it?

86
00:05:41,460 --> 00:05:45,612
Who else has seen it apart from us?
How can you be so naive, Michael?

87
00:05:45,660 --> 00:05:48,094
He's psychic!

88
00:05:48,140 --> 00:05:50,495
I'm furious, absolutely furious.

89
00:05:50,540 --> 00:05:53,930
All right, calm down.
That act is my ineffectual property.

90
00:05:53,980 --> 00:05:58,019
It's one of
those premium rate phone-in things.

91
00:05:58,060 --> 00:06:01,848
Well, I've got to stop them.
That's defecation of character.

92
00:06:01,900 --> 00:06:03,856
Can you send them a letter on that?

93
00:06:03,900 --> 00:06:06,368
Yes, I suppose I could find an e-mail
address or something.

94
00:06:08,860 --> 00:06:10,976
Oh, actually, Michael,

95
00:06:11,020 --> 00:06:14,251
do you think you could you find
out their actual address for me?

96
00:06:14,300 --> 00:06:18,851
I'd much rather send them
a handwritten letter.

97
00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:24,054
Oh, no reason. Just I prefer
the personal touch.

98
00:06:24,100 --> 00:06:27,729
All right. You're not going to do
anything silly, are you?

99
00:06:27,780 --> 00:06:32,490
A strongly worded letter is
the full extent of my ambition.

100
00:06:49,100 --> 00:06:52,058
...despatch is somewhere
along that road? You need to go left

101
00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:56,093
at the bottom of this road...

102
00:07:13,180 --> 00:07:15,819
All right, all right, calm down.

103
00:07:15,860 --> 00:07:18,454
I will not calm down!
You lot stole my act!

104
00:07:18,500 --> 00:07:20,616
It's my act, is that!
Take it easy, Arthur.

105
00:07:20,660 --> 00:07:22,332
I'm sure it's just a coincidence.

106
00:07:22,380 --> 00:07:25,338
He's psychic! There are no
coincidences with psychics!

107
00:07:25,380 --> 00:07:29,055
He probably entered me in my sleep.
That's how they do it.

108
00:07:29,100 --> 00:07:32,092
I should know, I'm one myself!
I am.

109
00:07:32,140 --> 00:07:34,734
I tell the future,
read minds, the lot.

110
00:07:34,780 --> 00:07:37,931
Test me!
No need for that. There you are!

111
00:07:37,980 --> 00:07:40,255
I knew what you were going to
say before you said it.

112
00:07:40,300 --> 00:07:44,088
Listen, there's someone I'd like you
to meet -

113
00:07:44,140 --> 00:07:47,098
Would you like to come this -
Come this way? Yes, I would.

114
00:07:50,900 --> 00:07:53,698
So, Arthur, I understand you have

115
00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:57,050
a complaint about one of our
presenters. James.

116
00:07:57,100 --> 00:07:59,409
The turban? Yeah, he was
just trying it out.

117
00:07:59,460 --> 00:08:02,213
We can certainly ask him
to stop wearing it.

118
00:08:02,260 --> 00:08:04,410
And you're a psychic yourself?

119
00:08:04,460 --> 00:08:06,849
Psychic, magician, actor, singer.

120
00:08:06,900 --> 00:08:09,539
I do, em... windows, the lot.

121
00:08:09,580 --> 00:08:12,538
You name it, I've stuck
a finger in it.

122
00:08:16,180 --> 00:08:17,659
Why do I recognise him?

123
00:08:17,700 --> 00:08:20,817
He's the one that punched that
politician. Became a local hero.

124
00:08:20,860 --> 00:08:24,648
Right! And you're thinking
the four o'clock spot?

125
00:08:24,700 --> 00:08:27,851
He's eccentric, but that
sometimes plays well.

126
00:08:27,900 --> 00:08:30,414
And he can waffle for England.

127
00:08:39,700 --> 00:08:41,258
Are you all right?

128
00:08:41,300 --> 00:08:43,131
I've just had some very good news.

129
00:08:44,580 --> 00:08:45,854
Oh, no.

130
00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:49,097
I know. You know Bill Mason,
the film director?

131
00:08:49,140 --> 00:08:51,813
Apparently he really likes my book.
Gahhh! Sorry.

132
00:08:51,860 --> 00:08:56,650
He's making a film about the old
variety days and he wants me

133
00:08:56,700 --> 00:08:58,418
to help him write it.
Ohhhhhhh!

134
00:08:58,460 --> 00:09:02,009
That's great! Michael,
that's amazing! I know.

135
00:09:02,060 --> 00:09:05,416
They gave me a job!
What?

136
00:09:05,460 --> 00:09:07,849
Yesterday at the psychic hotline!

137
00:09:07,900 --> 00:09:11,654
I'm going to be a psychic
hotline psychic!

138
00:09:11,700 --> 00:09:14,976
Yes, they said
I had all the qualities

139
00:09:15,020 --> 00:09:16,817
they look for in a presenter.

140
00:09:16,860 --> 00:09:20,136
This is going to bigger than when
I had that meeting with Louis Walsh.

141
00:09:20,180 --> 00:09:22,330
Strictly speaking, that wasn't
a meeting, Arthur.

142
00:09:22,380 --> 00:09:24,336
You saw him on the street
and you chased him.

143
00:09:24,380 --> 00:09:27,452
Yes, and when I took him down
I met him.

144
00:09:29,340 --> 00:09:33,015
How is that not a meeting? You're
always trying to poke holes, you.

145
00:09:33,060 --> 00:09:36,370
No, I'm not, I'm not! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm pleased for you.

146
00:09:36,420 --> 00:09:39,969
Eggy, John, do you want to come
and see me do my first show?

147
00:09:40,020 --> 00:09:42,329
As my very special guests,
of course.

148
00:09:45,020 --> 00:09:46,339
Hello, Sheila.

149
00:09:46,380 --> 00:09:48,257
Next stop - Hollywood, Arthur!

150
00:09:48,300 --> 00:09:51,212
Oh, now, now Eggy, don't let's
get ahead of ourselves.

151
00:09:51,260 --> 00:09:54,889
But perhaps I should
start the visa process.

152
00:09:56,620 --> 00:09:59,054
I just found out how much money
they're going to pay me!

153
00:10:05,420 --> 00:10:06,933
Look at this!

154
00:10:06,980 --> 00:10:09,574
Hey. Well.

155
00:10:09,620 --> 00:10:12,134
Look at all this fruit!

156
00:10:12,180 --> 00:10:14,091
Five bananas!

157
00:10:14,140 --> 00:10:18,531
A banana for every day
of the week excluding weekends!

158
00:10:18,580 --> 00:10:21,731
Oh, I tell you what,
this is it, lads.

159
00:10:21,780 --> 00:10:26,092
I've made it, I'm back, back at
the top. There's a shower!

160
00:10:26,140 --> 00:10:27,971
Is there?! Oh, well, of course.

161
00:10:28,020 --> 00:10:31,137
One often finds showers in
the high-end dressing rooms.

162
00:10:31,180 --> 00:10:33,819
I'm going to have a shower!

163
00:10:33,860 --> 00:10:36,897
There's a fridge just for water!

164
00:10:36,940 --> 00:10:39,135
Oh, again, Eggy, it's very common.

165
00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:43,856
The fruit, the shower, and now
a fridge full of water...

166
00:10:43,900 --> 00:10:46,289
This is a whole new world.

167
00:10:46,340 --> 00:10:50,572
Oh, these trappings of stardom
are meaningless to one such as I.

168
00:10:50,620 --> 00:10:52,451
Remember, it's not the first time

169
00:10:52,500 --> 00:10:54,650
I've risen to these
rarefied heights.

170
00:10:56,220 --> 00:10:57,699
OK, Arthur, we're ready for you.

171
00:10:57,740 --> 00:11:00,538
Oooh! Ooooh! They're ready for me!
What am I going to say?

172
00:11:00,580 --> 00:11:03,538
What am I going to do? Calm down!
I'm sure you'll be great.

173
00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:05,138
Just be yourself.

174
00:11:05,180 --> 00:11:07,136
Right, thank you, Annabel.

175
00:11:07,180 --> 00:11:10,490
Let's get you into make-up, then.
Righto! Come on, Eggy!

176
00:11:17,820 --> 00:11:19,412
Well, hello.

177
00:11:22,940 --> 00:11:25,659
Have a seat. Right, good luck.

178
00:11:25,700 --> 00:11:26,974
Let's just check that...

179
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:29,090
Remember, just be yourself.
Put this in your ear.

180
00:11:29,140 --> 00:11:33,179
I'll be there whenever you get
in trouble. OK? Good.

181
00:11:33,220 --> 00:11:36,257
There we go. All good? Right.

182
00:11:39,620 --> 00:11:41,133
OK, on in

183
00:11:41,180 --> 00:11:48,291
10, 9, 8, 7, 6,

184
00:11:48,340 --> 00:11:55,735
5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

185
00:11:58,940 --> 00:12:00,578
"Hello..."

186
00:12:00,620 --> 00:12:04,374
Hello, my name is
Count Arthur Strong.

187
00:12:04,420 --> 00:12:08,493
Welcome to my mystical world
of mesmerism.

188
00:12:08,540 --> 00:12:12,055
Let's go to, uh, line one.

189
00:12:12,100 --> 00:12:14,409
'Er... hi, my name's Matt...'

190
00:12:14,460 --> 00:12:17,577
- And where's Craig?
- 'There is no Craig!'

191
00:12:17,620 --> 00:12:20,453
You said there was!
'My name is Sally Craig!'

192
00:12:20,500 --> 00:12:23,458
Oh, I see! Craig's your husband?

193
00:12:23,500 --> 00:12:26,492
Right then, Sally, now we've got
your name sorted out

194
00:12:26,540 --> 00:12:28,451
we can get onto...

195
00:12:28,500 --> 00:12:30,968
I can't remember
why I called you now.

196
00:12:31,020 --> 00:12:34,137
'I called you!'

197
00:12:34,180 --> 00:12:36,171
I don't know if he's
terrible or brilliant.

198
00:12:36,220 --> 00:12:38,415
Well, look how long he's keeping
them on the phone.

199
00:12:38,460 --> 00:12:40,815
It's taking him five minutes
to figure out their name.

200
00:12:40,860 --> 00:12:44,853
How many calls lined up?
It's a full list. People like him.

201
00:12:44,900 --> 00:12:47,733
'Well, you can get it
from the shops, can't you?'

202
00:12:47,780 --> 00:12:50,613
He's doing OK... I guess.

203
00:12:50,660 --> 00:12:53,857
What are you talking about?
It stinks. What?

204
00:12:53,900 --> 00:12:57,210
He's conning people! Talking to them
on the phone to get their money.

205
00:12:57,260 --> 00:13:01,139
I've had my problems with idiot man,
but this... I never expected this.

206
00:13:05,260 --> 00:13:08,536
All right, that's lovely,
thank you. Bye.

207
00:13:11,540 --> 00:13:16,773
Oh, my God, look at you.
Will you please cheer up?

208
00:13:16,820 --> 00:13:18,731
What's going to happen?
What?

209
00:13:18,780 --> 00:13:22,136
Something's going to happen.
Everything's going too well.

210
00:13:22,180 --> 00:13:25,252
What's it going to be?
What's what going to be?

211
00:13:25,300 --> 00:13:28,053
The thing! The terrible thing!

212
00:13:28,100 --> 00:13:29,772
It's going to be big, I know it.

213
00:13:29,820 --> 00:13:32,698
Michael.
Yeah?

214
00:13:34,220 --> 00:13:36,814
The world doesn't work like that.

215
00:13:39,260 --> 00:13:40,739
I know.

216
00:13:40,780 --> 00:13:44,216
You have just as much right
to be happy as anyone else.

217
00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:48,691
I know.

218
00:13:48,740 --> 00:13:50,378
Thank you.

219
00:13:50,420 --> 00:13:51,819
Michael!

220
00:13:54,100 --> 00:13:57,058
I never got round to asking you
if you saw my programme?

221
00:13:57,100 --> 00:14:00,979
Yes. Yes, we did.
What did you think of it?

222
00:14:01,020 --> 00:14:03,659
It was good... good.

223
00:14:03,700 --> 00:14:05,292
Just... I don't know...

224
00:14:05,340 --> 00:14:07,695
I like it when you do your
songs and your silly jokes.

225
00:14:07,740 --> 00:14:09,970
This does seem to be you just...

226
00:14:10,020 --> 00:14:11,419
on the phone.

227
00:14:11,460 --> 00:14:13,974
Yes, yes, but it's
one step at a time.

228
00:14:14,020 --> 00:14:16,534
You can't expect to on the
Royal Variety Performance

229
00:14:16,580 --> 00:14:20,209
after a week on the telly.
You have to start small.

230
00:14:20,260 --> 00:14:25,334
But even the tiniest acorn
will one day grow into a...

231
00:14:25,380 --> 00:14:27,416
massive chicken.

232
00:14:30,020 --> 00:14:31,692
Good for you, Arthur.

233
00:14:31,740 --> 00:14:34,379
I hope you don't get too famous
that you won't speak to me.

234
00:14:34,420 --> 00:14:38,015
Oh, it'll take a much more than
the psychotic hotline to do that.

235
00:14:38,060 --> 00:14:42,133
I think you'll find we have our
heads screwed on tight around here.

236
00:14:55,580 --> 00:14:57,332
Hello, boys.

237
00:14:57,380 --> 00:14:59,575
Hello, John.

238
00:14:59,620 --> 00:15:00,973
All right, John?

239
00:15:01,020 --> 00:15:02,658
See the match last night?

240
00:15:02,700 --> 00:15:06,295
I did. They're looking quite
handy at the moment, Tottenham.

241
00:15:06,340 --> 00:15:09,537
They could do with another striker,
though.

242
00:15:12,460 --> 00:15:15,179
What the hell was that?
What was what?

243
00:15:15,220 --> 00:15:17,336
That - what's that?

244
00:15:17,380 --> 00:15:20,816
Oh, you noticed, did you? It's a
subtle effect, not everybody does.

245
00:15:20,860 --> 00:15:24,330
Subtle? He's got a cat on his head!

246
00:15:28,460 --> 00:15:29,893
Hello. Michael Baker speaking.

247
00:15:29,940 --> 00:15:32,090
'Hi, Michael. Mr Mason
is running a bit late.

248
00:15:32,140 --> 00:15:34,734
'Are you OK to hang on
another few minutes?'

249
00:15:34,780 --> 00:15:38,534
Um, yes, that's fine,
thank you, thank you.

250
00:15:38,580 --> 00:15:41,731
Just waiting for a call
from Bill Mason.

251
00:15:47,060 --> 00:15:49,528
Doesn't matter.
He's a famous director.

252
00:15:49,580 --> 00:15:54,449
Oh, oh, oh, of course, Bill Mason,
the famous director.

253
00:15:54,500 --> 00:15:59,016
Oh, yes, yes. Hey, it's really
happening for both of us, isn't it?

254
00:15:59,060 --> 00:16:01,449
How is Bill?

255
00:16:01,500 --> 00:16:03,377
Do you know him?
No.

256
00:16:03,420 --> 00:16:05,695
But you know Oliver Reed?
Yes.

257
00:16:05,740 --> 00:16:08,573
I know him. Yeah.
I sat in a car with him.

258
00:16:08,620 --> 00:16:10,656
Oh, he's full of life, he is.

259
00:16:10,700 --> 00:16:13,134
Not any more.
What?

260
00:16:13,180 --> 00:16:15,375
He's dead now, of course.

261
00:16:15,420 --> 00:16:18,457
How are you expecting
a phone call from him then?

262
00:16:18,500 --> 00:16:21,412
I'm not.
You said you were.

263
00:16:21,460 --> 00:16:24,577
No, I'm expecting a call from
Bill Mason.

264
00:16:24,620 --> 00:16:28,135
No, about a film. He wants me
to write a film with him.

265
00:16:28,180 --> 00:16:31,013
About Oliver Reed?
No!

266
00:16:31,060 --> 00:16:34,370
What, then, is Oliver Reed
going to be in it?

267
00:16:34,420 --> 00:16:37,457
I thought he was dead!
He is!

268
00:16:37,500 --> 00:16:39,730
Then how's he going
to be in the film?

269
00:16:39,780 --> 00:16:41,816
Oliver Reed's got nothing
to do with it!

270
00:16:41,860 --> 00:16:45,819
Then why do you keep going on
about him?

271
00:16:45,860 --> 00:16:49,057
I didn't! You said you were
expecting a call from him!

272
00:16:49,100 --> 00:16:51,660
Michael, could you help me
with something outside, please?

273
00:16:51,700 --> 00:16:53,656
What? Oh, yes, yeah, of course.

274
00:16:55,380 --> 00:16:57,177
What is it I can help you with?

275
00:16:59,380 --> 00:17:03,055
Oh, right. Oh, yes,
I can help you with that.

276
00:17:03,100 --> 00:17:06,695
Is Michael all right?
He seems a bit jumpy today.

277
00:17:06,740 --> 00:17:09,413
He's expecting a phone
call from Oliver Reed.

278
00:17:09,460 --> 00:17:12,850
He's dead.
He is.

279
00:17:12,900 --> 00:17:15,460
So I don't know how he's
expecting a phone call.

280
00:17:20,620 --> 00:17:23,373
You should answer that, Arthur.

281
00:17:37,300 --> 00:17:39,131
Hello?

282
00:17:39,180 --> 00:17:41,614
'Mr Baker?
I have Mr Mason for you.'

283
00:17:41,660 --> 00:17:44,857
'Hi, Michael. Thanks for being
so patient with us.'

284
00:17:44,900 --> 00:17:48,210
'Do you mind if we press straight on?
I've just a small window, I'm afraid.

285
00:17:48,260 --> 00:17:51,775
'Let me introduce you around the
room. I'm here with Martin Stark...

286
00:17:51,820 --> 00:17:53,617
'Hi, Michael.'
Oh, but...

287
00:17:53,660 --> 00:17:56,413
'Sandra Clancy."Hello, Michael.'
Hello, but...

288
00:17:56,460 --> 00:17:59,179
'Warren Stevens."Hello.'
Oh, hello.

289
00:17:59,220 --> 00:18:02,371
'Jake Mancowitz."Hi, Michael.'
Hello, Jake!

290
00:18:02,420 --> 00:18:04,729
'And Monica Freeman.'
'Hello, there.'

291
00:18:04,780 --> 00:18:07,453
Oh, hello. That's a lovely name,
that, Monica, isn't it?

292
00:18:07,500 --> 00:18:11,618
You don't hear that very much these
days, do you? Is that everyone?

293
00:18:11,660 --> 00:18:15,653
Right, let me tell you
who I've got here with me.

294
00:18:19,020 --> 00:18:22,490
I've got John. John the Watch.
Say hello, John.

295
00:18:22,540 --> 00:18:24,451
What?
Say hello.

296
00:18:26,060 --> 00:18:28,176
Hello?

297
00:18:28,220 --> 00:18:31,496
'Hello, John.'

298
00:18:31,540 --> 00:18:33,496
Who am I speaking to?

299
00:18:35,980 --> 00:18:38,255
I'd better get back in.
Bulent will notice.

300
00:18:38,300 --> 00:18:40,655
Oh, let him notice.

301
00:18:40,700 --> 00:18:45,012
I could stay here all day - the phone
call! The phone call! The phone call!

302
00:18:45,060 --> 00:18:48,496
Hello, Monica. That's a lovely name,
isn't it?

303
00:18:48,540 --> 00:18:51,293
You don't hear that very often
these days.

304
00:18:51,340 --> 00:18:53,535
'Sorry, Michael,
who are these people?'

305
00:18:53,580 --> 00:18:55,855
I keep trying to tell you
I'm not Michael

306
00:18:55,900 --> 00:18:58,130
but you and your friends
just kept saying hello.

307
00:18:58,180 --> 00:19:02,412
'Wait, is Michael even there?'
Think he might be on the toilet.

308
00:19:02,460 --> 00:19:05,930
He was looking uncomfortable earlier
so it wouldn't surprise me.

309
00:19:05,980 --> 00:19:07,971
Do you want me to bang on the door?

310
00:19:08,020 --> 00:19:10,659
LINE DISCONNECTS Hello?

311
00:19:10,700 --> 00:19:12,053
Oh, they've hung up.

312
00:19:14,060 --> 00:19:17,530
Oh, it's all right. I just told them
you were on the toilet.

313
00:19:35,180 --> 00:19:36,818
Arthur...

314
00:19:36,860 --> 00:19:39,658
Arthur, I need some advice.

315
00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:42,260
Oh, right, but you'll have to be
quick, I'm expecting

316
00:19:42,300 --> 00:19:45,929
a very important call
from the studio.

317
00:19:47,260 --> 00:19:49,330
The terrible thing.

318
00:19:49,380 --> 00:19:51,496
It happened.
What?

319
00:19:51,540 --> 00:19:54,976
Well, you remember Bill,
the director of the film?

320
00:19:55,020 --> 00:19:56,658
It's on.

321
00:19:56,700 --> 00:19:58,452
But that's a good thing.

322
00:19:58,500 --> 00:20:01,810
Yes, but I hadn't realised
that he wants me to go to LA

323
00:20:01,860 --> 00:20:04,579
to work with him on it.

324
00:20:04,620 --> 00:20:06,372
I could be gone...

325
00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:14,968
I could be gone for months.

326
00:20:15,020 --> 00:20:18,057
It's such a big opportunity.
I don't know what to do.

327
00:20:19,700 --> 00:20:21,258
What shall I do?

328
00:20:21,300 --> 00:20:23,768
Michael, if there's
one thing I've learned,

329
00:20:23,820 --> 00:20:25,890
you've got to put your career first.

330
00:20:25,940 --> 00:20:28,977
You'll never forgive yourself if
you don't take this opportunity.

331
00:20:29,020 --> 00:20:30,419
Sinem will understand.

332
00:20:30,460 --> 00:20:35,011
Oh, sorry, I've got to take this.

333
00:20:35,060 --> 00:20:38,814
Since when did you have a
mobile phone?

334
00:20:38,860 --> 00:20:43,217
I'll talk to you later, Michael.
I hope that helped.

335
00:20:43,260 --> 00:20:44,739
John, let's roll.

336
00:20:52,220 --> 00:20:56,008
It's not him, Michael.
Sorry?

337
00:20:56,060 --> 00:20:59,973
That's not Arthur.
I don't know who it is.

338
00:21:00,020 --> 00:21:02,011
He's changed.

339
00:21:02,060 --> 00:21:06,212
John, too. Can you
have a word with him?

340
00:21:06,260 --> 00:21:09,570
Yes, of course, I just, um...

341
00:21:11,500 --> 00:21:13,218
I just need to do something first.

342
00:21:18,940 --> 00:21:22,216
Of course! I totally agree
with Arthur.

343
00:21:22,260 --> 00:21:24,012
You can't turn this down.

344
00:21:24,060 --> 00:21:28,099
Well, it is a life-changing
opportunity, I suppose. Exactly!

345
00:21:28,140 --> 00:21:31,530
I would not want to be the reason
you say no to something like that.

346
00:21:31,580 --> 00:21:34,378
And we can pick up where
we left off, couldn't we?

347
00:21:34,420 --> 00:21:38,857
Of course we will! Michael,
I'm so happy for you.

348
00:21:38,900 --> 00:21:42,176
This is brilliant.

349
00:21:42,220 --> 00:21:45,451
Oh, OK. I feel a bit better
about it now, I suppose.

350
00:21:45,500 --> 00:21:47,013
You ready, Michael?

351
00:21:47,060 --> 00:21:50,848
Um, yes, yes, Eggy, of course.
We're going to see Arthur.

352
00:21:50,900 --> 00:21:55,610
Eggy thinks we need to stage an
intervention. I'll see you later?

353
00:21:55,660 --> 00:21:57,093
Of course.

354
00:22:06,980 --> 00:22:08,652
I'm just going to go and do the veg.

355
00:22:14,180 --> 00:22:16,853
Now, I'm sure you'll understand
I have a certain position

356
00:22:16,900 --> 00:22:20,779
to maintain within show business
circles.

357
00:22:20,820 --> 00:22:25,098
Then how can I do that with
a loose toilet seat situation?

358
00:22:25,140 --> 00:22:28,974
Suppose someone from the West End
dropped in to say hello.

359
00:22:29,020 --> 00:22:31,056
Michael Ball, for example.

360
00:22:31,100 --> 00:22:34,729
I wouldn't know where to look
if he fell into the toilet!

361
00:22:34,780 --> 00:22:37,089
I'll get maintenance
onto it for you.

362
00:22:37,140 --> 00:22:38,937
That would be darling of you.

363
00:22:41,020 --> 00:22:42,658
And this.

364
00:22:42,700 --> 00:22:44,497
What is wrong with this picture?

365
00:22:45,780 --> 00:22:50,456
I particularly told you
I like speckledy bananas.

366
00:22:50,500 --> 00:22:52,616
Are they speckledy bananas?

367
00:22:52,660 --> 00:22:55,413
And these! These plums
have gone off!

368
00:22:55,460 --> 00:22:57,052
They just go like that, don't they?

369
00:22:57,100 --> 00:22:59,455
I'm asking you to be vigilant
and remove them

370
00:22:59,500 --> 00:23:01,092
before they reach that stage.

371
00:23:01,140 --> 00:23:04,530
To return once again to
the Michael Ball scenario,

372
00:23:04,580 --> 00:23:07,936
can you imagine the embarrassment
if the first thing he saw

373
00:23:07,980 --> 00:23:12,212
when he came in here were my
shrivelled, withered plums?

374
00:23:12,260 --> 00:23:14,820
Word would spread like wildfire!

375
00:23:14,860 --> 00:23:16,976
Right, I'll just take them
out then, shall I?

376
00:23:21,460 --> 00:23:24,133
Whatever happened
to professionalism?

377
00:23:27,860 --> 00:23:31,739
Nonsense. I'm a highly valued
member of the psychotic community.

378
00:23:31,780 --> 00:23:34,055
Annabel was just saying
that to me today.

379
00:23:34,100 --> 00:23:37,092
Yes, but she likes you because you
keep people on the phone, Arthur.

380
00:23:37,140 --> 00:23:40,610
I give good advice. I help people!
For £1 .90 a minute!

381
00:23:40,660 --> 00:23:43,299
Yeah, well this is just a
stepping stone for me, this is.

382
00:23:43,340 --> 00:23:45,296
I'm on me way back to the top.

383
00:23:45,340 --> 00:23:48,616
If you want something in this life
you have to go out and grab it,

384
00:23:48,660 --> 00:23:50,776
and that's just what I'm doing.

385
00:23:50,820 --> 00:23:53,175
What's the matter? Don't you
want me to be successful?

386
00:23:53,220 --> 00:23:55,734
Of course I want you to be
successful, but not like this.

387
00:23:55,780 --> 00:23:59,170
This is just a scam! If you just
calmed down and thought about it

388
00:23:59,220 --> 00:24:01,734
for a few seconds,
you'd see that, too.

389
00:24:01,780 --> 00:24:04,613
Oh, and you're all right, aren't
you, eh? Running off to America.

390
00:24:04,660 --> 00:24:06,890
Getting a job off the back
of my story.

391
00:24:06,940 --> 00:24:08,498
It should be me going there.

392
00:24:08,540 --> 00:24:10,849
I know more about that
world than you do.

393
00:24:10,900 --> 00:24:12,697
You've just used me.

394
00:24:12,740 --> 00:24:15,891
Arthur, that's not fair.
Too right it's not fair!

395
00:24:15,940 --> 00:24:18,659
It's not fair that I have to
sit in the cafe

396
00:24:18,700 --> 00:24:20,770
while the world passes me by!

397
00:24:20,820 --> 00:24:25,211
It's not fair that your dad left me
just when things were getting going!

398
00:24:25,260 --> 00:24:29,970
It's not fair that my story -
my story - is the reason

399
00:24:30,020 --> 00:24:31,931
you're going to America!

400
00:24:31,980 --> 00:24:35,814
It's not fair! It's not fair!
None of it's fair!

401
00:24:38,140 --> 00:24:41,610
Now, if you don't mind,
I've got a show to do.

402
00:24:44,060 --> 00:24:45,493
Goodbye, Arthur.

403
00:24:50,100 --> 00:24:51,294
Arthur...

404
00:25:10,740 --> 00:25:14,813
Go then! Go on, the lot of you!
I don't care!

405
00:25:14,860 --> 00:25:17,010
I have all the water I need!

406
00:25:17,060 --> 00:25:20,496
Do you hear me?
All the water I need!

407
00:25:26,380 --> 00:25:28,098
All right, that's enough, get off.

408
00:25:29,820 --> 00:25:33,449
Nice and quiet, please.
In 10...

409
00:25:33,500 --> 00:25:35,013
9...

410
00:25:35,060 --> 00:25:36,652
8...

411
00:25:36,700 --> 00:25:38,418
7...

412
00:25:38,460 --> 00:25:40,098
6...

413
00:25:40,140 --> 00:25:41,619
5...

414
00:25:41,660 --> 00:25:43,252
4...

415
00:25:43,300 --> 00:25:45,097
3...

416
00:25:45,140 --> 00:25:46,653
2...

417
00:25:46,700 --> 00:25:47,700
1.

418
00:25:50,940 --> 00:25:52,931
I've made a terrible mistake!

419
00:25:54,460 --> 00:25:57,338
'Eggy, John, please don't leave.

420
00:25:57,380 --> 00:26:00,577
'Don't let Michael leave.
I've got something to say.'

421
00:26:05,980 --> 00:26:08,289
'John, Eggy.'

422
00:26:08,340 --> 00:26:11,218
I couldn't hope for
better friends than you.

423
00:26:11,260 --> 00:26:14,172
You can have all the bananas
and water in the world

424
00:26:14,220 --> 00:26:17,769
but it doesn't mean anything if you
haven't got anyone to share it with.

425
00:26:17,820 --> 00:26:20,653
'And Michael, '

426
00:26:20,700 --> 00:26:23,214
that advice I gave you...

427
00:26:23,260 --> 00:26:25,251
I couldn't have been more wrong.

428
00:26:25,300 --> 00:26:27,131
Sinem is more important

429
00:26:27,180 --> 00:26:30,411
'than anything. Oh, for goodness'
sake don't listen to me, '

430
00:26:30,460 --> 00:26:32,530
I talk nonsense
at the best of times.

431
00:26:32,580 --> 00:26:37,370
'And the same goes for
the rest of you out there.'

432
00:26:37,420 --> 00:26:41,095
Don't go phoning premium numbers,
getting advice from charlatans.

433
00:26:41,140 --> 00:26:43,859
What did he say?

434
00:26:46,460 --> 00:26:50,772
What the bloody hell is going on?
Somebody's in there! Let me see!

435
00:26:50,820 --> 00:26:53,209
'No-one can see into the future.

436
00:26:53,260 --> 00:26:55,091
'It's all a show, a bit of fun.'

437
00:26:55,140 --> 00:26:58,530
But it isn't even that
if you have to pay for it.

438
00:27:01,100 --> 00:27:03,170
So what I want you to do today

439
00:27:03,220 --> 00:27:05,450
is put your telephones down,

440
00:27:05,500 --> 00:27:07,058
settle back,

441
00:27:07,100 --> 00:27:09,853
and enjoy something
a little bit different.

442
00:27:11,940 --> 00:27:15,410
A one, two, a one, two, three.

443
00:27:15,460 --> 00:27:17,815
♪ It's a long way to Tipperary... ♪

444
00:27:20,100 --> 00:27:22,489
'♪ It's a long way to go

445
00:27:22,540 --> 00:27:26,499
♪ It's a long way to Tipperary... ♪'

446
00:27:32,460 --> 00:27:36,055
Are you sure you're making the
right decision?

447
00:27:37,300 --> 00:27:40,019
I wasn't, but...

448
00:27:40,060 --> 00:27:42,096
this is absolutely
the right thing to do.

449
00:27:45,340 --> 00:27:46,693
Goodbye, Michael.

450
00:27:50,580 --> 00:27:51,774
Bye, Arthur.