1
00:00:14,920 --> 00:00:17,640
Free breakfasts all week. Please accept my apologies.

2
00:00:17,640 --> 00:00:18,800
It won't happen again.

3
00:00:20,760 --> 00:00:21,960
You!

4
00:00:24,680 --> 00:00:27,360
What did I say about fortune telling in the cafe!

5
00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:30,680
How was I to know she was going to be this unlucky?!

6
00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:32,440
I've never seen the hanging man,

7
00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:35,120
the burning tower AND the devil come out at once.

8
00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:38,280
I-I hope someone's walking her home!

9
00:00:38,280 --> 00:00:39,880
This is your final warning.

10
00:00:39,880 --> 00:00:41,960
One more time and you are barred from the cafe!

11
00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:44,560
All right, all right, I'm putting it away.

12
00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:47,080
I'll just see what she had next.

13
00:00:47,080 --> 00:00:48,360
Ooh!

14
00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:53,800
Right. Right. Right. Yes. All right. Yes, OK. Right.

15
00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:56,000
This is what you have to do.

16
00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:57,200
Hello!

17
00:00:57,200 --> 00:01:00,080
Oh, sorry, yes, hello. Sorry, that was very rude of me. How are you?

18
00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:02,000
- Well...
- This is what you have to do.

19
00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:06,240
I'm going to ask you something and you have to say no.

20
00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:09,880
And if anybody asks you if I asked you, you have to say yes.

21
00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:11,400
Have you got that?

22
00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:14,760
So, say no when you ask me the first thing,

23
00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:18,960
and then say yes if anyone ever asks me if you asked me the first thing.

24
00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:21,600
Exactly.

25
00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:25,160
But presumably, you don't want me to say you asked me to say no

26
00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:28,200
to the first thing when I'm saying yes to the second thing.

27
00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:31,640
Yes, yes! That's right!

28
00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:35,840
So, to recap, say no to the first thing

29
00:01:35,840 --> 00:01:38,160
but then say yes to the second thing,

30
00:01:38,160 --> 00:01:41,320
should anyone ever ask me the second thing.

31
00:01:41,320 --> 00:01:44,240
Well, that's very straightforward. I can't see that being a problem.

32
00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:46,280
Great! OK. OK, great.

33
00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:48,200
Well, this is what I'm going to ask you.

34
00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:52,040
"Do you want to meet my new agent Philippa and her wife?"

35
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:54,920
I'd be delighted!

36
00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:58,960
You were supposed to say no!

37
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,480
I don't want to say no.

38
00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:03,120
We had an agreement! You sounded like you understood it!

39
00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:06,520
Yes, but I didn't know what I was agreeing to when I sounded like I understood it.

40
00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:07,840
Listen, Arthur,

41
00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:11,160
they asked me to ask you, but I just don't want you to meet them yet.

42
00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:12,680
Oh!

43
00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:14,200
Hello. Are you stressing?

44
00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:16,080
Yes, yes, I am, I really am.

45
00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:17,720
Michael, we don't have to go.

46
00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:22,320
What? Oh, no, not about the party. Although that is also stressful.

47
00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:24,520
These posh publishing dos.

48
00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:27,760
I just end up in a corner on my own watching people dance.

49
00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:30,040
Yes, but now you're with me.

50
00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:32,520
Oh, yes.

51
00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:34,320
Not in the cafe!

52
00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:39,480
Now, everyone else can watch us dance.

53
00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:44,600
Oh, God.

54
00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:47,360
Why don't you want me to meet them?

55
00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:49,120
It's complicated.

56
00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:51,040
I was in your big book, wasn't I?

57
00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:52,480
They probably saw me photo.

58
00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:55,640
They'll have a natural female curiosity about me.

59
00:02:55,640 --> 00:02:58,000
That's the kind of thing, what you just said there.

60
00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:00,360
That's exactly why you can't meet them.

61
00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:04,160
Arthur, Phillipa is negotiating a new deal for me and I just...

62
00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:06,720
I don't want her to be distracted.

63
00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:09,680
So, let's try it again, shall we?

64
00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:15,080
Do you want to meet my new agent Phillipa and her wife?

65
00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:17,120
Arthur, Phillipa. Phillipa, Arthur.

66
00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:20,560
Oh, I've been dying to meet you! I'm such a fan!

67
00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:23,720
You saw my photo, and your natural instincts kicked in.

68
00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:27,120
I quite understand.

69
00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:30,400
It's not the first time a woman has gone giddy at the thought of me.

70
00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:33,640
I'll just see what's keeping Monica.

71
00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:37,880
Will you stop talking about instincts and giddy women?!

72
00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:40,640
Stop telling me what to talk about and what not to talk about!

73
00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:41,840
You've been doing it all day.

74
00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:44,080
I have to, otherwise you talk about terrible things!

75
00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:45,280
That's so unfair.

76
00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:47,840
You told my last agent she had a drinking problem!

77
00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:49,960
That was a compliment!

78
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:54,080
Arthur! Please. OK? Just, please.

79
00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:56,760
Oh, you don't have to worry about me.

80
00:03:56,760 --> 00:03:59,440
You won't hear another word out of me!

81
00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:04,720
I'm sorry, she's up the walls because she's lost her Imperial Topaz.

82
00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:06,520
Oh. Oh... Oh, no?

83
00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:08,600
It's a crystal.

84
00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:11,520
Oh, before I forget! Chapters 18-20.

85
00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:13,040
Great timing!

86
00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:15,800
I can use this to start a whole new round of negotiations.

87
00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:18,680
Oh! I like the sound of that! You go, girl!

88
00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:28,320
Monica, at last. This is Michael, a very fine writer.

89
00:04:28,320 --> 00:04:29,440
- Hi!
- Hi.

90
00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:32,040
And this is Arthur. Oh, you'll like this, baby.

91
00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:35,240
Arthur is a bit of a spiritualist. It's in the book, isn't it, Michael?

92
00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:37,440
- Er, that's right. 
- Oh, very interesting.

93
00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:39,320
But he doesn't like to talk about it.

94
00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:46,560
Oh, I can't find it anywhere.

95
00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:49,120
Oh, gosh, you're still unpacking. You must be exhausted.

96
00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:51,680
There's also the problem of someone keeping me up all night.

97
00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:53,360
It's this house!

98
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:58,480
It's beautiful, but... sometimes I feel...I don't know...

99
00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:02,200
Strange vibrations, noises at night.

100
00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:06,200
It's the pipes! We can't go moving again, Monica.

101
00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:09,560
The last time we were on a negative ley line or something!

102
00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:13,640
Just don't go moving again. Not back to Paris or something.

103
00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:15,840
Just stay here and keep being my agent.

104
00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:20,560
You're not much of a talker, are you?

105
00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:26,720
Why aren't you talking?

106
00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:30,600
Are you...

107
00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:32,640
Are you sensing something?

108
00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:39,760
You're sensing something, aren't you? What is it?

109
00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:46,280
It's this house, isn't it? There's something about this house?

110
00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:48,520
Well, we'd really better be going....

111
00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:50,480
What is it? Can't you tell me?

112
00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:52,640
Is there something wrong with this house?

113
00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:55,400
It's a lovely house. Isn't it, Arthur? It's a really lovely house.

114
00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:57,720
What is it? Tell me!

115
00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:03,000
Do you sense a presence? Tell me!

116
00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:05,120
Tell me what's wrong!

117
00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:14,000
You told me to be quiet!

118
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:17,280
I said be quiet, not mysterious!

119
00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:19,200
You were being mysterious!

120
00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:21,720
You were being deliberately mysterious!

121
00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:24,440
They've just moved house, and now she wants to move again.

122
00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:26,760
All because of you, you bloody Uri Geller.

123
00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:29,360
Give me the photo!

124
00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:31,240
I'm sorry, Bulent, it's my property.

125
00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:34,040
She won't give me the photo she took of me on New Year's Eve!

126
00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:36,160
Have you still got that one, Birdie?

127
00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:38,160
I do, Eggy, and I'm not giving it to anyone!

128
00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:39,200
It's mine!

129
00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:43,000
That's what I get for allowing you weirdos to have a party in the cafe!

130
00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:46,040
You get me drunk, and then you let her do terrible things

131
00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:47,480
to me while I'm asleep!

132
00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:56,920
Oh, Bulent, she did it to all of us.

133
00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:12,560
Don't blame me because you lot are a bunch of grandad drink drunks.

134
00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:14,040
Grandad drink drunks?

135
00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:17,040
They have no tolerance for grandad drinks.

136
00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:19,880
Cream sherry, Drambuie, Tia Maria.

137
00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:22,840
A couple of glasses of them and they're all under the table.

138
00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:24,680
And you're the worst for it, Arthur,

139
00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:26,680
the way you knocked back the Liebfraumilch.

140
00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:28,800
I thought it was just milk.

141
00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:32,680
I'm sorry, Bulent, you're not getting it.

142
00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:35,520
It's going in the scrapbook with the all the others.

143
00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:41,800
How was I to know she was so sensitive to the beyond?

144
00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:45,040
Just...forget it. You know what you have to say when they get here, don't you?

145
00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:47,240
Don't worry, don't worry, I'll take care of it.

146
00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:49,440
Just tell her there is nothing wrong with her house!

147
00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:51,040
All right!

148
00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:52,600
Oh!

149
00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:55,000
Deep sigh!

150
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:58,760
I'm sorry. It's just I haven't been sleeping very well.

151
00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:01,040
Probably a bit too excited about the dancing.

152
00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:02,600
Er, yeah, listen.

153
00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:05,080
I just want to give you an out for tomorrow night.

154
00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:08,360
- What?
- You haven't smiled once since you heard about the party,

155
00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:10,960
so this is your out. We don't have to go.

156
00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:12,080
But you got a new dress.

157
00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:14,280
I haven't worn it. I can take it back.

158
00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:17,360
No. No, of course, we're going. We have to go.

159
00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:18,800
I want to go.

160
00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:20,120
Good.

161
00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:23,040
I really want to see that smile back on your face, Michael.

162
00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:32,840
Hi! Hi, gang! Arthur...

163
00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:36,320
Oh, ha, ha, oh...

164
00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:39,240
Monica, perhaps I could have a word?

165
00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:47,360
Right, let's lay this ghost to rest about your house being haunted.

166
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:52,080
But I thought you... Didn't you sense something?

167
00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:53,520
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

168
00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:55,160
While I do have experience

169
00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:58,840
in the world of extra-sensory contraception,

170
00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:05,600
I detected no such activity occurring within your private area.

171
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:08,480
But the noises...

172
00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:14,640
Believe me, my lady, there's sure to be a rational explanation.

173
00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:17,680
My Auntie Doreen thought she saw a leprechaun,

174
00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:21,560
but it was just a pair of underpants near a swing.

175
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:23,760
I don't know...

176
00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:27,280
Mark my words, Monica, I know whereof I speak.

177
00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:33,920
This is a very serious matter and there's no more qualified man than I when discussing spooky shenanigans.

178
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:43,480
I'm exhausted, Michael. It's like sleeping next to Lee Evans.

179
00:09:44,680 --> 00:09:46,400
So how are the negotiations going?

180
00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:51,360
Oh, yes, well, the number I think we can achieve is...

181
00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:53,000
Maybe I should write it down.

182
00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:07,960
You could get this for one book? You could really get this for one book?

183
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:09,520
I think I could get it bigger.

184
00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:11,720
Bigger? Is there bigger?

185
00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:14,040
This seems like the biggest.

186
00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:15,760
Oh, you look happy.

187
00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:18,960
Yes, I'm massively relieved. Everything's going to be OK.

188
00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:22,240
Good. Thank God for that. A good night's sleep, at last.

189
00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:24,480
I'll let you know how that meeting goes, Michael.

190
00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:26,440
Great!

191
00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:28,080
Oh, Arthur!

192
00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:31,640
Oh, Michael!

193
00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:35,560
What? What is it?

194
00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:37,000
Oh, dear.

195
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:39,720
Oh, dear, oh, dear.

196
00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:41,480
What? She seemed fine. What did you do?

197
00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:43,560
Promise me you won't be angry with me.

198
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:45,240
What did you do?!

199
00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:49,200
I've agreed to perform an exorcism at her house.

200
00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:50,840
What?

201
00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:54,000
I didn't mean to, Michael.

202
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:55,520
An exorcism!

203
00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:57,640
I was trying to reassure her and she talked me round!

204
00:10:57,640 --> 00:11:00,160
You were supposed to be telling her there was nothing wrong!

205
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:04,400
But she made a very strong case. Things go missing!

206
00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:06,200
The strange noises!

207
00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:08,400
They've just moved house! They haven't settled yet!

208
00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:11,520
And she still can't find her Imperial Topaz!

209
00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:14,360
Who cares about her Imperial Topaz!?

210
00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:15,880
RINGING

211
00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:18,840
Oh, God, it's Phillipa. What am I going to say?

212
00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:21,040
Oh, just buy me some time! Say I've popped out!

213
00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:23,720
Popped out. Got it.

214
00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:28,400
Hello? Hello, Phillipa, I'm afraid Michael can't come to the phone.

215
00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:31,400
His fly fell open and he's adjusting himself.

216
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:33,200
Just give me the phone!

217
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:35,440
Hello, Phillipa. Yes!

218
00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:38,120
Yes, I'm sorry, he just told me.

219
00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:40,520
What, tomorrow?

220
00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:42,960
Er, tomorrow's not so...

221
00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:48,920
No, tomorrow's fine. He'll be there.

222
00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:50,440
- Bye.
- But, Michael...

223
00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:54,760
Shut up. You're going to have to be The Monster Mist.

224
00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:55,960
The Monster Mist?

225
00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:57,440
When I was a little boy,

226
00:11:57,440 --> 00:12:00,640
my mum used to spray something under the bed to get rid of monsters.

227
00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:02,240
She called it Monster Mist.

228
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:04,080
I found out later it was just air freshener,

229
00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:05,160
but it did the job.

230
00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:07,200
So I get a can of air freshener?

231
00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:08,480
Well, no, no.

232
00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:11,680
You go to her house, you do a little show,

233
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:15,920
and then you tell her that whatever's been going on is over.

234
00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:18,520
Oh, but Michael, I'm not very good with these sort of things.

235
00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:19,720
What? You do seances.

236
00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:20,920
Yeah, but that's different.

237
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:24,560
That's-that's asking friendly spirits to come and visit.

238
00:12:24,560 --> 00:12:27,800
This is telling angry spirits to sod off.

239
00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:30,240
If the presence is a malignant one...

240
00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:31,920
There is no presence.

241
00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:34,400
It's all in her head, and you put it there.

242
00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:36,720
The only malignant presence in that house was you!

243
00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:38,040
Oh, yes, of course.

244
00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:40,120
I've got to get a hold of meself.

245
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:43,560
Don't worry, Michael. I'll be your Monster Mist.

246
00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:46,000
But I've got to have Eggy and John.

247
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:47,160
Why?

248
00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:50,040
Because I'm still a little bit scared.

249
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:55,880
Monster Mist?

250
00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:59,800
Yes, all we have to do is go to the house, put on a little show,

251
00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:01,720
and then tell her it's over.

252
00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:04,480
I'm not sure I want to go to a haunted house, Arthur.

253
00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:08,160
Oh, Eggy! Michael assured me there were no ghosts.

254
00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:11,840
Although there might be. I'm still a bit confused about that.

255
00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:13,720
But anyway, come on,

256
00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:16,080
what else do people use on this kind of operation?

257
00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:18,680
Some kind of ghost-hunting equipment.

258
00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:19,840
Tape recorder?

259
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:21,240
Ooh. Write that down, Eggy.

260
00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:25,440
Tape recorder. Ooh, digital infra-red motion detector device.

261
00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:29,840
Brilliant! I'll swing by Maplins. We'll also need some garlic...

262
00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:31,640
Are you worried there'll be vampires?

263
00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:33,480
I'm not saying yes and I'm not saying no,

264
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:35,600
but we should at least cover ourselves.

265
00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:38,240
We should probably bring some stakes, then.

266
00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:41,960
Oh, yeah, that'll go with the garlic. What else?

267
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:44,160
A hammer?

268
00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:46,240
Ooh, get the steak nice and tender.

269
00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:49,560
So that's...steak, chips and peas.

270
00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:54,000
Again?

271
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:55,880
Steak, chips and peas!

272
00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:02,480
What's it got to do with him?

273
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:08,440
What is it we're doing again?

274
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:11,760
The list for the haunted house.

275
00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:13,200
Oh, yes! That reminds me!

276
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:15,760
We could film all this, you know, and if there is anything

277
00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:18,320
going on, we could sell it to Most Haunted.

278
00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:22,000
You know, with Derek Acorah and that hungry-looking woman off Blue Peter.

279
00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:25,560
We'll need someone else to do the filming.

280
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:28,440
Birdie, can you be a camera woman for us at a haunted house?

281
00:14:28,440 --> 00:14:29,960
No problem.

282
00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:31,680
Great! We're sorted.

283
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:42,520
Arthur, I've been thinking, maybe I should join you tonight?

284
00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:46,160
Oh, no, no, no, no, believe me, it's better if you're not there.

285
00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:50,560
An exorcism can be a terrifying ordeal for the simple-minded.

286
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:53,680
I can't believe I'm here again.

287
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:58,600
One foot in the real world, one in the spectral realm,

288
00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:02,520
and me, in between, dangling in the nether regions.

289
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:07,840
It's the stuff of which nightmares are made, Michael!

290
00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:11,520
Except it isn't, though, remember? You do remember, don't you?

291
00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:15,360
There is nothing unusual happening. It's just boring everyday life.

292
00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:21,280
Thanks, Bulent.

293
00:15:57,480 --> 00:15:58,760
SPOOKY MUSIC

294
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,440
Michael said you'd be in and out!

295
00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:25,960
Oh, it's a little bit more complicated than that.

296
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:28,040
Bit more talkative today, I see.

297
00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:30,160
I talk when it is necessary. Please leave.

298
00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:34,280
Yes, yes, we'll go to...a film?

299
00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:36,400
So, when do you think you'll be finished?

300
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:39,120
Well, this is a very extreme case.

301
00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:42,040
I've never felt such evil.

302
00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:44,240
So, half ten?

303
00:16:45,240 --> 00:16:47,080
Quarter to 11?

304
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:50,040
Let's make it quarter to 11 to be on the safe side.

305
00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:52,840
I'll just go and phone a taxi.

306
00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:55,320
Now, if you'll excuse me.

307
00:16:57,280 --> 00:17:00,800
I have an appointment with that which should not be.

308
00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:03,720
Yes, yes, of course.

309
00:17:03,720 --> 00:17:06,440
Well, make yourself at home and-and good luck.

310
00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:08,000
I have no need of luck.

311
00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:12,240
I am brilliant with things like what this is.

312
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:18,920
Oh, he shouldn't be doing that. He's only supposed to be in and out.

313
00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:23,640
They've set up all sorts of equipment. I'm just a bit nervous.

314
00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:26,400
I'll sort it out, Phillipa, don't worry.

315
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:28,760
Excuse me?

316
00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:31,480
Sorry, we're going to have to change route.

317
00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:34,120
OWL HOOTS

318
00:17:34,120 --> 00:17:35,480
BEEPING

319
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:38,760
KNOCKING

320
00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:42,520
Ooo, ooh! Did anyone else hear that?

321
00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:44,280
Sorry?

322
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:47,880
Did you hear it? You're on the thing for hearing things!

323
00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:50,360
Hang on a minute, Arthur.

324
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:52,040
Sorry?

325
00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:55,240
I heard it, Arthur. It sounded like a rustling noise.

326
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:56,760
That's your crisps.

327
00:17:57,880 --> 00:18:02,400
It felt like the kind of sonic disturbance that often occurs

328
00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:05,880
when the ethereal realm rubs up against the real world.

329
00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:07,760
Open the door!

330
00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:11,240
Oh, it's just Michael at the door. Get him, John.

331
00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:13,040
Watch out for the tripwire.

332
00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:14,920
What's happening now?

333
00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:16,520
Oh, Brian's here.

334
00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:19,200
- Brian?
- You know, the whiny lad.

335
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:20,920
Oh, Michael.

336
00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:23,200
Watch out for the tripwire.

337
00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:26,000
Tripwire? Why are there tripwires?

338
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:28,280
We've put ghost bells on tripwires.

339
00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:29,440
Ghost bells?

340
00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:32,320
There are no... You haven't done that to the whole house, have you?

341
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:34,920
What's with the candles?!

342
00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:36,920
We're just trying to get the mood right.

343
00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:39,960
Have you been raiding their stuff? These are all relaxation candles!

344
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:44,120
Relaxation candles? That must be why Eggy keeps falling asleep.

345
00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:46,520
Arthur!

346
00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:49,360
I'm sorry, Michael, but we've had to pull all the stops out.

347
00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:54,360
This place has the worst case of ectoplasmic excretions I have ever seen.

348
00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:58,560
The house isn't... They just want reassurances about their new home.

349
00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:00,880
Don't be talking about excretions!

350
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:03,440
What...

351
00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:08,360
Oh, God, what is this?

352
00:19:08,360 --> 00:19:09,400
What?

353
00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:12,880
This!

354
00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:17,720
Michael, surely you've known me long enough that I've told you

355
00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:22,120
about my rare collection of frightening ventriloquist dummies?

356
00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:23,680
What are they doing here?

357
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:25,680
Do you know how valuable these are?

358
00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:27,840
I'm not leaving them at home for the night.

359
00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:30,680
So you've brought eight ventriloquists dummies...

360
00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:31,880
Seven.

361
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:33,120
Oh, sorry, John.

362
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:37,040
You've brought seven ventriloquists dummies to a haunted house.

363
00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:38,840
Isn't that just asking for trouble?

364
00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:40,480
I thought you said it isn't haunted.

365
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:41,720
It isn't!

366
00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:44,000
They're not doing any harm, are they?

367
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:46,440
They're just sat there minding their own business.

368
00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:51,840
Anyway, why don't you get off dancing and leave the dark arts to them as knows?

369
00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:53,760
No, no, no, no, no. I'm not leaving you here.

370
00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:55,120
I knew all this was a bad idea.

371
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:56,520
Who are you phoning?

372
00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:58,240
Sinem. I'm going to have to cancel.

373
00:19:58,240 --> 00:19:59,400
What is up with you?

374
00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:00,560
What?

375
00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:03,480
You've got a beautiful girl waiting for you to spin her around

376
00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:05,840
the dancefloor and you'd rather be here

377
00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:08,720
at a potentially dangerous exorcism.

378
00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:11,600
Have you ever been to an exorcism, Michael?

379
00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:14,760
Heads spin round, books hit priests in the face.

380
00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:16,680
And the language gets dog rough.

381
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:19,920
Blue language. And I'll put money on-on...

382
00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:22,960
at least one of us crawling across the ceiling like a spider.

383
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:27,840
That is exactly why I'm staying here. Arthur, this is important.

384
00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:30,160
Phillipa is the best agent I've ever had.

385
00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:32,600
Excuses. You're scared about something.

386
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:34,000
And whatever it is,

387
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:36,240
you're letting it get between you and that lovely girl.

388
00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:39,720
The only thing I'm scared of is...

389
00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:41,120
is you.

390
00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:45,320
Get rid of the wires!

391
00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:52,480
Don't worry, Michael, we'll do it some other time. OK, bye.

392
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:05,320
Ooof. Those candles...I don't know how you can bear it.

393
00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:08,480
It smells like an opium den in here.

394
00:21:08,480 --> 00:21:10,600
Oooh!

395
00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:12,280
Put that away!

396
00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:14,320
You're not to be playing with Ouija boards!

397
00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:17,920
Just... When they come back, you tell them, "it's over".

398
00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:19,880
That's all you have to do.

399
00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:23,480
Gosh, I can barely keep my eyes open.

400
00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:27,160
It's not as much fun with him being here.

401
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:29,400
How are we going to do the Most Haunted filming?

402
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:31,080
I was looking forward to that.

403
00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:35,760
We just have to bide our time. Look, he's falling asleep.

404
00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:39,800
Yes. Yes.

405
00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:42,840
We just have to wait.

406
00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:46,680
THEY ALL LAUGH

407
00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:50,120
Action.

408
00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:53,800
One of the reasons I know this horse to be haunted...hunted...

409
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:56,640
this house to be hunted...

410
00:21:56,640 --> 00:22:02,480
is...um, the horse to be hunted.... haunted...hunted...haunted...

411
00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:04,280
hunted... I've got it now.

412
00:22:04,280 --> 00:22:09,320
One of the reasons I know this is a haunted horse is when we arrived

413
00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:14,040
here this evening this dog was on the other side of this painting,

414
00:22:14,040 --> 00:22:17,240
and that lady was indoors.

415
00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:19,360
Now, you explain that to me.

416
00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:24,440
I have to say this is the worst mystical phenonomomen

417
00:22:24,440 --> 00:22:28,320
I've experienced since I was chased by two devil dogs

418
00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:29,960
after a night of heavy drinking.

419
00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:33,800
Ooh, listen!

420
00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:37,160
I think I heard it.

421
00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:45,360
Open it.

422
00:22:45,360 --> 00:22:46,560
No, don't.

423
00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:47,880
No, do.

424
00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:49,000
I-I'll do it.

425
00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:51,600
No, you do it. No, I'll do it.

426
00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:53,040
No, no, will you...

427
00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:54,320
get a hold of yourself?!

428
00:22:55,360 --> 00:22:57,960
All right, all right. I'm OK now.

429
00:22:59,120 --> 00:23:01,040
John, you do it.

430
00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:02,840
Wait, let me get a clean shot.

431
00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:09,920
DOOR CREAKS

432
00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:11,800
Eh! Eh! I'm in here!

433
00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:14,960
That wasn't a ghost - it was Eggy!

434
00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:17,560
What are you doing in the toilet with the light off?

435
00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:20,240
I can't go with the light on.

436
00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:22,120
Oh, oh, makes sense.

437
00:23:22,120 --> 00:23:24,240
It was still a bit scary, wasn't it?

438
00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:25,600
Did you get all that, Birdie?

439
00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:26,800
Beautiful.

440
00:23:29,360 --> 00:23:32,120
Look at him! He's still flat out!

441
00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:34,480
Ah. Having a lovely dream.

442
00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:40,840
# I give you all a boy could give you

443
00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:45,760
# Take my tears and that's not nearly all... #

444
00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:46,920
Do you want to dance?

445
00:23:46,920 --> 00:23:47,960
OK.

446
00:23:50,760 --> 00:23:54,800
# Now I know I've got to run away... #

447
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:57,600
Nice moves, Baker!

448
00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:05,600
# To make things right

449
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:08,840
# You need someone to hold you tight... #

450
00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:12,480
Nice moves, Baker!

451
00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:20,840
BARKING

452
00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:23,760
Oh, Birdie, you didn't get any of it!

453
00:24:23,760 --> 00:24:26,280
I didn't film it, no. I saw it, though.

454
00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:29,120
I can remember it, if that becomes important.

455
00:24:29,120 --> 00:24:31,400
Oh, they'll go for that on Most Haunted, won't they?

456
00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:33,040
You remembering what happened!

457
00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:38,000
There, another one for the book!

458
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:40,680
Right, I'm off.

459
00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:41,920
Bye, lads!

460
00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:43,800
Are you not staying till the end, Birdie?

461
00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:46,480
No, God, no, I'm incredibly bored. Good night again!

462
00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:12,000
- Ahhhhh!
- Ahhhhh!

463
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:13,880
What are you bloody playing at?!

464
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:15,400
What are you playing at?!

465
00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:18,800
A joke's a joke, Michael, but you could have given me a heart attack!

466
00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:24,240
For God's sake, Arthur, there is nothing unusual happening here!

467
00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:26,200
You-you-you-you've gone mad!

468
00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:28,440
Arthur, you've worked yourself up into such a state,

469
00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:31,160
you're going to be more scared than they are when they get back!

470
00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:34,400
I wouldn't be scared if you weren't parading around like an idiot.

471
00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:36,280
What's going through your mind?

472
00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:40,240
Anyway, you're the one that's scared.

473
00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:42,840
I'm not scared! I don't believe in this stuff.

474
00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:46,640
Not of ghosts. You know full well I'm not talking about ghosts.

475
00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:48,440
I'm talking about whatever it is,

476
00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:51,880
the reason you're pushing Sinem away.

477
00:25:51,880 --> 00:25:55,200
It's you that needs an exorcism, Michael, not this house.

478
00:25:58,760 --> 00:26:00,040
I have to go.

479
00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:03,560
Arthur, when they get back,

480
00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:04,640
what do you say?

481
00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:05,760
Monster Mist.

482
00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:06,800
No!

483
00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:08,640
I'm only joking. I know.

484
00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:09,960
"It's over."

485
00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:12,160
"It's over."

486
00:26:12,160 --> 00:26:14,080
Thank you.

487
00:26:14,080 --> 00:26:16,320
So, is it a fancy dress party?

488
00:26:16,320 --> 00:26:18,400
No.

489
00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:20,720
Sinem, call a taxi - I'll meet you there.

490
00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:23,320
What I'd give to be 40 again!

491
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:27,600
Well, we've still got a few hours.

492
00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:29,800
What are we going to do now?

493
00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:31,960
Hey! Look what I found!

494
00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:35,400
Well, they did say make yourself at home.

495
00:26:41,160 --> 00:26:43,640
My Imperial Topaz!

496
00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:03,800
It's over.

497
00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:10,000
MUSIC: "Tainted Love"

498
00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:17,560
# Sometimes I feel I've got to

499
00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:20,840
# Run away I've got to

500
00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:26,280
# Get away from the fear you drive into the heart of me

501
00:27:26,280 --> 00:27:33,720
# The love we share seems to go nowhere... #

502
00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:35,600
Would you like to dance?

503
00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:45,520
What's... What is wrong with your face?

504
00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:50,480
There's nothing wrong with my face, Sinem. I'm just smiling.

505
00:27:50,480 --> 00:27:53,280
# I give you all a boy could give you

506
00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:57,720
# Take my tears and that's not nearly all

507
00:27:57,720 --> 00:28:00,560
# Tainted love

508
00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:01,840
# Tainted love. #

509
00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:05,600
So, how much were the damages?

510
00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:07,240
Maybe I should write it down.

511
00:28:10,240 --> 00:28:13,600
Oooh!

512
00:28:13,600 --> 00:28:17,440
I'm sorry, Michael. We've never drunk creme de menthe before.

513
00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:20,680
It was like minty oblivion.

514
00:28:22,920 --> 00:28:26,240
Don't worry, Arthur. It doesn't matter.

515
00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:29,640
Where you going?

516
00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:32,040
Dancing.

517
00:28:32,040 --> 00:28:34,120
Are you not putting your make-up on?

518
00:28:40,840 --> 00:28:43,360
I've told Phillipa I've gone shopping.

519
00:28:43,360 --> 00:28:45,160
Touch the cards.

520
00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:49,360
Ooohh!

521
00:28:57,520 --> 00:29:00,280
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