HE SIGHS
DIALLING
RINGING
Hello.
I believe you were recently involved in an accident
that was not your fault.
Thank goodness you've called!
Oh, you were?
Just now! How...? How did you know?
Can you tell me how it happened?
I'm not 100% certain myself.
I'm lucky to be talking to you now, to be honest.
It was touch and go there for a while!
- Would you be interested in pursuing compensation? - Compensation?! Really?
Yeah, you could be entitled to compensation. Did you know that?
- I have to say... What's your name? - Roger.
I have to say, Roger, you're terribly efficient.
Compensation hadn't even crossed my mind, at this stage.
I'm only now getting my breath back.
Where did it happen?
Um... Up there.
- Where? - There. Up there.
In your home?
Yes, in my home. Can't you see me?
- No, I can't see you. - But when I fell into the toilet, you saw that bit?
No.
What? You just heard the splash and put two and two together?!
No!
So, you just called on the off chance that I'd fallen
into the toilet? That's very enterprising!
How much do you think I can get?
- Well, are you the homeowner or are you renting? - Um...yes.
- Which one? - Which one what?
Which one are you?
Arthur. Remember?
I fell down the toilet.
Are you renting or do you own it?
The toilet?!
Came with the house, I think.
No, the house! Do you own the house?
I do! Oh! I see what you're getting at!
I can sue myself! Will that make things easier or more complicated?
No, no. You can't sue yourself!
Why not? I think I've got quite a good case!
I might even settle out of court.
You can't owe yourself... Oh, God!
You all right, mate?
I hate my job. I hate my job.
I hate it. I hate, hate, hate my job!
I hate my job. I hate my job.
Sorry to hear that. Why don't you leave?
Maybe I will.
- Maybe I will. - What is it you do?
Cup of tea, please, Sinem. Been quite a morning.
Mm-hm.
So?
So, what?
I'm giving you one chance.
Say it. Let's have it.
You've got no excuse. I told you yesterday.
I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.
Ha...
Happy...?
Bir...?
Birthday...
Michael!
What was the first part again?
Happy birthday!
Oh, thank you very much.
- Wait a minute, that's not for months. - To me!
Unbelievable!
Well, I'm not supposed to remember every sodding birthday, am I?
- It's someone's birthday every day. - That's two years in a row now.
You always remember Eggy and John's.
- Oh, that was a nice day. - When I hired the houseboat?
- Oh, wasn't it just, Eggy? - Oh, it was lovely.
We had cocktails on deck and everything.
- It did sink, though. - Only the front of it. It was bone dry at the back.
You just couldn't get up there.
We almost drowned, Arthur.
John, do you remember when I hired that hot-air balloon?
That was fun, wasn't it?
Yeah, but again, Arthur, we almost drowned.
Look, it doesn't bother me... No, it does. It does.
I don't know, I thought we were... You know what? You're just you.
You're not being... You're just you!
THEY CHUCKLE
- What's so funny? - Nothing.
Happy birthday!
Get your filthy hands off my sister.
Maybe I didn't drop enough clues.
Was I too subtle?
I don't think you were too subtle.
- AIR HORN - Just to say, everyone, it's my birthday tomorrow.
It's just a general announcement.
It's not aimed at anyone in particular!
It's just, you know, when people are friends,
it's nice to remember each other's birthdays.
It's kind of a way of showing that you're not unhappy that
they're alive. Arthur.
AIR HORN
Arthur!
- Did you hear any of what I just said? - Sorry, Michael.
I've got things on my mind.
I think the date might be up on one of my vouchers.
50p off a leg of lamb. I'll keep that safe. Two for one,
gym membership. Oh, here it is! I was right!
This runs out today!
I've got to get myself down to Ann Summers, whoever she is.
I bet he did remember. He's just so cheap,
he doesn't want to have to buy me a cup of tea or something.
Um, yeah. Sorry, um, I just have to...
- What's so funny? - They're planning a surprise for Michael.
- Please don't kiss customers on their birthday. - He's my boyfriend.
And a customer.
We don't want everyone thinking they get a kiss on their birthday.
That's exactly the kind of thing idiot man will start asking for.
You OK? Get the banner up.
Oh, I can't wait to see his face when he realises I'm not
a terrible friend.
As I have been pretending to be for a number of years to give him
this surprise today.
It's a good thing Birdie overheard him talking to Sinem.
After dinner, for which I have bought a superb South American
Malbec, I thought we could watch Seven Samurai,
which is my favourite film ever.
- Hey! Three hours long. - Oh, it flies by.
- Can I cook, at least? - Er, no, no, Sinem. I'll do it.
I don't believe you.
You get insulted when people forget your birthday and then when
people remember, you don't want them to do anything for you.
I know.
On my tenth birthday, my dad promised me a trip to the zoo.
Then, on the day,
he decided to do a speech at a dinner for Tommy Cooper instead.
Just like that.
Ever since, I've been in charge of my own birthday and,
as a result, it's always just the way I like it.
I suppose that makes me terribly anal.
What a strange place!
- What is, Arthur? - Ann Summers.
I don't quite know how to describe it. It's a sort of...
I don't know what sort of place it is.
They had this, um...
I don't know what it was. But it lit up.
I think it had a bell on it.
Oh, I don't know. I know I don't want to go there again, though.
- Did you not use your voucher, then? - Oh, no. I used the voucher.
- Arthur. - Yes, Birdie?
Your man, Brian, he's just been telling a terrible sad story.
Brian? You mean Michael?
Yeah, one of those names. He was talking to Sinem.
- What an awful brutal childhood he had. - Really, Birdie? Go on, then.
He wanted to go to the zoo, but his dad took Tommy Cooper instead!
Oh!
And now, as a result of it, he has a tremendous anal problem.
Oh! Right, that settles it!
We're going to give him a proper birthday.
I'm going to pull all the stops out, no expense spared.
It's in here somewhere, I know it is.
A-ha! Here it is!
- Ah, I've been saving this. - What is it, Arthur?
- This, Eggy, is the golden ticket. - Golden ticket? - Yes, you know.
Like from Charlie's Wonky...Willy Factory.
I'm going to give Michael a birthday to remember, if it kills him. Me.
ALL: Surprise!
Oh! Aw!
Oh! Brian?! Who's Brian?
Sorry about that. Birdie did that.
But make no mistake, we are here to celebrate you, Brian.
Er, Michael.
Thank you very much. I don't know what to say.
Oh, the child-like delight in your eyes says it all.
But it's not over yet. For we are going on a magical mystery tour!
- What? - We have everything planned. Come on. Your carriage awaits.
No, no, Arthur. Sinem and I have something pla...
Did you know about this?
- I did and they've promised to get you back in time. - Fear not.
We shall return you to your lady's arms at the appointed hour.
- Er... - Oh, Michael!
For goodness' sake, be spontaneous, for once in your life!
Oh, all right, what the heck!
Arthur,
I'm in your hands.
- When can I take this off? - When we're there.
- How long's the drive? - About an hour and a half.
- I'm not wearing a blindfold for an hour and a half! - Go on, then.
Take it off. But you'll spoil the sus-prise.
Hello, Michael.
Where are we going?
Let me put it this way, do you like animals?
They're all right.
That's the spirit! Well, we're all going to Felsted Safari Park!
- Hurray! - Hurray!
Oh.
Oh, wow, OK. Why?
- Because your dad took Tommy Cooper to the zoo. - Because...?! Sorry?
Couldn't get a voucher for the zoo, but this is the next best thing.
Oh. Oh, you overheard me...
No, he didn't take Tommy Cooper to the zoo.
Oh, doesn't matter.
Thank you, Arthur. That's... That's very thoughtful.
- The voucher gives us 60% off a family ticket. - I'm the wife.
And a wonderful wife you are, dear!
- Oh, OK. Isn't Eggy coming? - 'Hello, Michael.'
He's in the boot until we get in.
It only pays for one child.
OK, so, Eggy's in the boot and we're passing John off as a schoolboy?
That's about the size of it.
- John does not look like a schoolboy. - Steady on, Michael.
I'm sorry, you don't.
- Now, boys. - Michael! John! I will turn this car round!
LAUGHS
What do you think of the car, Michael?
It's an Austin Maxi, the Rolls-Royce of the car world.
Can't be many of these still on the road.
I tell you something,
you would not believe how cheaply I was able to hire it for the day.
They were practically begging me to take it away.
- Right. - Probably because there's a bit of a hole under my seat.
Don't worry though. I've stuffed a load of newspapers down there,
so it won't get too draughty in the back.
'This is the same car we went to my birthday in, isn't it?'
It is, Eggy.
You... You all nearly died, didn't you, that time?
- 'We did.' - Not because of the car, though.
That was because I spent very little money on the boat.
'That's right.'
And then, on John's birthday, you all nearly died then too.
Ha! That's right. We nearly drowned.
Luckily, no chance of that in a safari park.
Safari park.
I'm going to a safari park.
On my birthday.
With Arthur.
In this car.
The car is safe, isn't it?
Incredibly safe...for the money.
It's secure?
Bound to be secure, I...would imagine.
Is it, though?
Secure and safe? Full stop?
Secure and safe, full stop, I would say.
Categorically, safe and secure?
Categorically, in general terms...I would imagine so.
Arthur! Can you assure me that this car is completely safe?
Ye-e-e-es...
I'm going to die!
'Arthur does like to cut corners.'
I'm extremely frightened. We're going to a safari park!
This doesn't feel safe! I don't feel safe, at all!
Well, I'm a bit worried about all of you now.
Maybe if you sneak away, they'll cancel it and just come home.
You can make up an excuse later.
Sneak away?
Maybe.
- I'll call you back. - OK.
FLIES BUZZING
Michael?
SPLOSH
What are you doing?
Just taking it all in.
So beautiful out here.
I sus-ppose.
Are you coming, then?
Yup.
On my way.
All right, everyone. Here we are. You know what to do.
- Now, now, dear. Let's not argue. - Nag, nag, nag!
Women, eh? Oh, they'll be the death of me. Hello, my good man.
I have here a voucher for a family ticket, please, thank you.
For families.
We are a family, as my wife and son will confirm.
Although, don't pay too much attention to my son. He's shy.
I love you and I always will, despite what my father decreed.
Yes, let's not get into all that now, Birdie, my dear.
My father opposed our love.
Yes, that's not really an issue at the moment, Birdie.
We're going to a safari park.
And now we're a family, with a lovely wee boy.
Yes, don't bring unnecessary attention to John, Birdie.
- What about him? - He's paying.
- Here we go. Ooh! Isn't it exciting? - He's circling!
He's circling back to attack!
- A couple of elephants. - Hello!
Oh, spotty horses.
Oh, I wonder what's up with them. They must be poorly.
That one's getting a free ride! Get down and walk like the rest of them!
Ooh! Signs in the wild.
It's coming near the car. It's coming near the car!
You all right, Michael? You sound highly stressed.
No, I'm fine. Let's just get through this as quick as you can.
- LIGHTER FLICKS - John! Are you smoking?
- Yeah. - Why?
It's just what you said. Try and be more like a schoolboy.
You know, crafty one behind the bike sheds, sort of thing.
You're in the back seat of a car!
You're supposed to be with your parents!
Oh, yeah. I suppose so.
Sorry, I'll get rid of it.
- Monkey! - MONKEY SCREECHES
Oh, look. It's the lions. They're my favourite.
- EGGY: - 'Why do you like lions so much, Arthur?'
I don't, Eggy. I can't stand them.
I find them h-arrogant!
But they're not so high and mighty now, are they?
Eh? We're safe, here in the car and they're out there,
thinking about how much they'd love to come and eat us.
Dream on, you bloody idiots!
Oh, and by the way,
sorry again for forgetting to take you out of the boot at the entrance.
'Don't worry about it, Arthur. It happens.
'Too late to do anything about it now, anyway.'
- CRACKLING John, I thought you were told to put that cigarette out. - I did, Arthur.
The floor! The floor's on fire!
Oh! The cigarette's set the newspapers on fire!
Why didn't you throw it out of the window?
You're not supposed to have the windows open in a safari park.
All right! Everybody out!
- Oh, my God! - What are they doing? They're getting out of the car!
- Erm... - Arthur! Arthur, we have to get back in the car!
- But there's fire in the car! - There's lions out here!
But there's fire in the car!
- They're looking over. - We have to get back inside!
But what about the fire?
- What about the lions?! - Ooh! The lions, fire. The lions, fire!
It's a dilemma!
Wh-what does everyone else think?
- We can't debate it! - Come on, John! You must have an opinion!
It's not my field, Arthur.
- Who votes for getting back in the car? - There's no time!
On balance, I think we should get back in the car.
Get back in the car!
- OK, OK. They're getting back. - Oh!
COUGHING
- They're getting back out again! - What?!
There's too much fire in the car!
- Everyone, try and look a bit less like food! - Oh, God!
What are we going to do?
Eggy, how are you doing?
'I'm not too bad, Arthur. Are we home yet?'
Not quite. Um, you have a bit of a decision to make, Eggy.
'Oh, yes?'
There's fire in the car, but there's lions out here.
Given those circumstances, do you want to get out of the boot?
'I tell you what, let me out and I'll have a look at the situation.'
Right, you are.
- There's a little old man in the boot! - What?!
LIONS ROAR
Oh, yeah. I see what you mean.
- All right, look, we're going to have to make a run for it. - What?!
When I count to three, we all scatter in different directions.
Hopefully, the lions will become confused and not know who to
- pick to eat. Ready? - Fire away!
- Ready. - Are we going to do this?
- Are we really going to do this?! - One, two, three.
Oh, look! The fire's gone out. Back in the car.
The little boy! The little boy! What's he doing?
Run! Run!
What about John?
Oh, it's all right. Look, they're not bothered.
- I want to go home. - But what about the alligators? - Now!
- 'We have to pick up John.' - Yes, of course, pick up John.
But then we go home.
- What about...? - Arthur! You nearly killed us! I want to go home!
Oh, well. If that's the way you feel about it.
Ah!
Thank God! The little boy!
Hello.
Hello. Are you all right?
SHE SCREAMS
Oh, erm... CAR RATTLES
I'm sure that's nothing.
Actually, how about we get out and stretch our legs?
- No, I want to go home. - Just let's stretch our legs for a minute.
- Car's broken down again, hasn't it? - N-no.
HISSING
Ooh, broken down, you said?
Yes, it probably has broken down, is what I meant to say.
- Get the AA. - Er, the car's not with the AA.
It's with the AAA.
They're a little cheaper.
But they promise to be out within 24 hours.
24 hours?!
- Right, that is it! - THUNDERCLAP
Argh!
I don't know what's got you so upset.
We've had a nice time, haven't we?
No! No, we have not had a nice time, Arthur! You nearly killed us!
You nearly killed us, Arthur! And you know why?
Because you cut corners!
You cut so many corners that you are literally putting lives at risk.
- Well, maybe we can... - What? - Flag a... - What, Arthur?
We are miles from anywhere.
You're a member of something called the AAA,
it is pouring with rain and now my phone has run out!
What do you suggest we do?
I'll go and see if I can find some help.
- EGGY: - 'Can I get out now?'
Come on, everyone. Let's have a singsong.
# Oh... #
Birdie, Birdie, I'm not in the mood.
I could be home. Nice food, bottle of wine.
Instead, I'm here.
Ha-ha. That's true enough.
You're definitely here.
- How do you do it, Birdie? - How do I do what?
You're always so cheerful.
Why wouldn't I be cheerful? I'm having a brilliant time!
How?
I never thought I'd go to a safari park, something like that.
It wasn't until I met Arthur that things like that started
happening to me.
I get a bit low sometimes, you know, but like, you know,
there's some lovely people there, but being at the shelter,
you know, you get the blues sometimes. You know, that way.
It's just nice to get away from it all for a while.
You know? Better to look at a lion for the day than sheep for the rest
of your life.
Oh, look. Here comes Arthur.
Spotted a cafe over that way. We'll have to get going, though.
- It's a long walk. - Arthur.
- Can I just say I'm sorry for shouting...? - Oh, no, no.
No, you were right.
I wanted to give you a special day, but I cut so many corners,
I just ruined it.
It's just like when it was Eggy's birthday and we all nearly drowned.
Or John's birthday and we all...nearly drowned.
I just can't do anything right. I'm cheap.
I mean, who else carries a box of vouchers around? Vouchers.
Hang on.
Birdie, have you got that I gave you from Ann Summers?
I do, Arthur.
They're lovely stockings, but they're not really my style.
Brilliant. Eggy, when I give you the thumbs up, try the engine.
Oh, Arthur. You're...
You're not going to use it as a fan belt, are you?
- I think that only works in films. - ENGINE STARTS
It's working! It's working!
Quick! Get back in, before it changes its mind!
Should get us as far as that cafe.
- # Happy birthday dear Michael BIRDIE: - ..Brian!
# Happy birthday to you! #
THEY CHEER
I'll be mum.
FAKE COUGHS
I remember when I first met Michael.
There... Um... Erm...
Er...
Enough of my stories!
Let's all raise a glass to the man who's become
a fixture in all our lives.
Like a spoon or... a thing for salt, um...
Actually, maybe that spoon's a bit dirty. Um, but Michael...isn't.
He's clean. Like a...bar of soap or a washing machine.
Not once have I had to step in and have a word.
To Michael!
- ALL: - To Michael!
Well, thank you very much.
It's the nicest roadside sausage birthday cake I've ever had.
It's not bad, is it? Mm! It's very dense.
I get the feeling there's more than one kind of meat in here.
I like that in a sausage. There's a lot going on.
Seriously, though, Michael, it's been a pleasure knowing you,
these last few years.
I'll second that.
- I don't really know you.
You'd do anything for anyone.
- You haven't got a selfish bone in your body. - Very true, Eggy.
We could learn a lot from Michael.
Are you finishing that?
Do you want it?
- Well, if you're not having it. - It's all yours.
Will I get another round in?
Thanks, Eggy, but just still working on this one.
Actually, I've had a lot of fun, so thank you, guys.
Just a shame you won't be back in time for Sinem.
I wouldn't be too sure about that. BELL PINGS
- What's this? - I got you one of those motorcycle shuttle services.
This bloke will whizz you through the traffic,
get you back in time for your big night.
Oh, Arthur, that's... That's so kind.
This must have cost you a few quid.
You don't need to say anything. Just go.
OK, lead the way.
Thank you, guys.
- Bye. - Bye. - Bye, Michael!
- And you didn't even need to use a voucher. - Oh, no. I used a voucher.
- Bloody helmet! - What's wrong with the helmet?
Oh, the visibility's very poor.
You do know you're not actually looking at me right now, don't you?
Oh, sorry.
Still not looking at me.
Sorry, this may sound like a silly question, but...can you see?
I can see most...things.
No hurry!
I said, no hurry!
Watch that rock!
There's a corner!
Well, we'd better start, if we're walking back.
Oh, no. I got us a taxi.
- Oh, wasn't that a lovely day? - And no-one drowned.
- Oh, my God! - Yeah, yes. Quite a day.
Are you all right?
Oh, you know.
Water off a duck's back.
Lovely.