1 00:00:19,480 --> 00:00:20,520 HE SIGHS 2 00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:26,560 DIALLING 3 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:30,760 RINGING 4 00:00:30,760 --> 00:00:32,120 Hello. 5 00:00:32,120 --> 00:00:34,760 I believe you were recently involved in an accident 6 00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:36,720 that was not your fault. 7 00:00:36,720 --> 00:00:39,600 Thank goodness you've called! 8 00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:41,800 Oh, you were? 9 00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:43,920 Just now! How...? How did you know? 10 00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:47,800 Can you tell me how it happened? 11 00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:50,720 I'm not 100% certain myself. 12 00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:53,600 I'm lucky to be talking to you now, to be honest. 13 00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:56,320 It was touch and go there for a while! 14 00:00:56,320 --> 00:01:02,360 - Would you be interested in pursuing compensation? - Compensation?! Really? 15 00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:05,440 Yeah, you could be entitled to compensation. Did you know that? 16 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:08,680 - I have to say... What's your name? - Roger. 17 00:01:08,680 --> 00:01:12,240 I have to say, Roger, you're terribly efficient. 18 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:15,920 Compensation hadn't even crossed my mind, at this stage. 19 00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:18,680 I'm only now getting my breath back. 20 00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:22,240 Where did it happen? 21 00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:24,400 Um... Up there. 22 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:29,360 - Where? - There. Up there. 23 00:01:29,360 --> 00:01:31,480 In your home? 24 00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:33,880 Yes, in my home. Can't you see me? 25 00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:41,880 - No, I can't see you. - But when I fell into the toilet, you saw that bit? 26 00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:43,680 No. 27 00:01:43,680 --> 00:01:47,040 What? You just heard the splash and put two and two together?! 28 00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:48,880 No! 29 00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:53,160 So, you just called on the off chance that I'd fallen 30 00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:56,960 into the toilet? That's very enterprising! 31 00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:58,920 How much do you think I can get? 32 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:04,320 - Well, are you the homeowner or are you renting? - Um...yes. 33 00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:09,360 - Which one? - Which one what? 34 00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:11,320 Which one are you? 35 00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:13,480 Arthur. Remember? 36 00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:15,320 I fell down the toilet. 37 00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:17,560 Are you renting or do you own it? 38 00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:19,680 The toilet?! 39 00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:21,720 Came with the house, I think. 40 00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:24,680 No, the house! Do you own the house? 41 00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:27,800 I do! Oh! I see what you're getting at! 42 00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:33,520 I can sue myself! Will that make things easier or more complicated? 43 00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:36,360 No, no. You can't sue yourself! 44 00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:39,040 Why not? I think I've got quite a good case! 45 00:02:39,040 --> 00:02:41,920 I might even settle out of court. 46 00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:45,160 You can't owe yourself... Oh, God! 47 00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:46,880 You all right, mate? 48 00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:51,960 I hate my job. I hate my job. 49 00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:54,720 I hate it. I hate, hate, hate my job! 50 00:02:54,720 --> 00:03:00,040 I hate my job. I hate my job. 51 00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:04,400 Sorry to hear that. Why don't you leave? 52 00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:05,840 Maybe I will. 53 00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:08,200 - Maybe I will. - What is it you do? 54 00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:15,560 Cup of tea, please, Sinem. Been quite a morning. 55 00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:21,280 Mm-hm. 56 00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:26,600 So? 57 00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:27,840 So, what? 58 00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:30,120 I'm giving you one chance. 59 00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:31,720 Say it. Let's have it. 60 00:03:31,720 --> 00:03:34,680 You've got no excuse. I told you yesterday. 61 00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:37,240 I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about. 62 00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:38,640 Ha... 63 00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:43,080 Happy...? 64 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:49,080 Bir...? 65 00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:51,640 Birthday... 66 00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:56,320 Michael! 67 00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:58,800 What was the first part again? 68 00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:00,400 Happy birthday! 69 00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:02,080 Oh, thank you very much. 70 00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:04,640 - Wait a minute, that's not for months. - To me! 71 00:04:04,640 --> 00:04:06,040 Unbelievable! 72 00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:08,920 Well, I'm not supposed to remember every sodding birthday, am I? 73 00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:12,440 - It's someone's birthday every day. - That's two years in a row now. 74 00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:14,840 You always remember Eggy and John's. 75 00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:18,400 - Oh, that was a nice day. - When I hired the houseboat? 76 00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:21,720 - Oh, wasn't it just, Eggy? - Oh, it was lovely. 77 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:24,600 We had cocktails on deck and everything. 78 00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:29,120 - It did sink, though. - Only the front of it. It was bone dry at the back. 79 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:31,160 You just couldn't get up there. 80 00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:32,800 We almost drowned, Arthur. 81 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:35,400 John, do you remember when I hired that hot-air balloon? 82 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:37,120 That was fun, wasn't it? 83 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:40,360 Yeah, but again, Arthur, we almost drowned. 84 00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:45,520 Look, it doesn't bother me... No, it does. It does. 85 00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:50,160 I don't know, I thought we were... You know what? You're just you. 86 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:52,600 You're not being... You're just you! 87 00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:57,600 THEY CHUCKLE 88 00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:03,760 - What's so funny? - Nothing. 89 00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:05,880 Happy birthday! 90 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:07,720 Get your filthy hands off my sister. 91 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:11,680 Maybe I didn't drop enough clues. 92 00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:13,880 Was I too subtle? 93 00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:16,400 I don't think you were too subtle. 94 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:20,120 - AIR HORN - Just to say, everyone, it's my birthday tomorrow. 95 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:21,800 It's just a general announcement. 96 00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:24,800 It's not aimed at anyone in particular! 97 00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:27,080 It's just, you know, when people are friends, 98 00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:29,320 it's nice to remember each other's birthdays. 99 00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:32,320 It's kind of a way of showing that you're not unhappy that 100 00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:34,000 they're alive. Arthur. 101 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,640 AIR HORN 102 00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:37,000 Arthur! 103 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:39,560 - Did you hear any of what I just said? - Sorry, Michael. 104 00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:41,080 I've got things on my mind. 105 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:43,920 I think the date might be up on one of my vouchers. 106 00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:47,840 50p off a leg of lamb. I'll keep that safe. Two for one, 107 00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:50,560 gym membership. Oh, here it is! I was right! 108 00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:51,960 This runs out today! 109 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:55,840 I've got to get myself down to Ann Summers, whoever she is. 110 00:05:55,840 --> 00:05:58,240 I bet he did remember. He's just so cheap, 111 00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:00,960 he doesn't want to have to buy me a cup of tea or something. 112 00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:04,160 Um, yeah. Sorry, um, I just have to... 113 00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:10,480 - What's so funny? - They're planning a surprise for Michael. 114 00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:13,400 - Please don't kiss customers on their birthday. - He's my boyfriend. 115 00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:14,760 And a customer. 116 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:18,240 We don't want everyone thinking they get a kiss on their birthday. 117 00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:21,520 That's exactly the kind of thing idiot man will start asking for. 118 00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:24,880 You OK? Get the banner up. 119 00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:28,000 Oh, I can't wait to see his face when he realises I'm not 120 00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:29,280 a terrible friend. 121 00:06:29,280 --> 00:06:32,800 As I have been pretending to be for a number of years to give him 122 00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:34,560 this surprise today. 123 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:38,000 It's a good thing Birdie overheard him talking to Sinem. 124 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:41,040 After dinner, for which I have bought a superb South American 125 00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:44,240 Malbec, I thought we could watch Seven Samurai, 126 00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:46,760 which is my favourite film ever. 127 00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:51,240 - Hey! Three hours long. - Oh, it flies by. 128 00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:54,200 - Can I cook, at least? - Er, no, no, Sinem. I'll do it. 129 00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:55,600 I don't believe you. 130 00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:58,520 You get insulted when people forget your birthday and then when 131 00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:01,440 people remember, you don't want them to do anything for you. 132 00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:03,520 I know. 133 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:06,640 On my tenth birthday, my dad promised me a trip to the zoo. 134 00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:08,000 Then, on the day, 135 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:11,840 he decided to do a speech at a dinner for Tommy Cooper instead. 136 00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:13,760 Just like that. 137 00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:16,680 Ever since, I've been in charge of my own birthday and, 138 00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:19,800 as a result, it's always just the way I like it. 139 00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:21,760 I suppose that makes me terribly anal. 140 00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:34,400 What a strange place! 141 00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:36,840 - What is, Arthur? - Ann Summers. 142 00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:43,080 I don't quite know how to describe it. It's a sort of... 143 00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:45,280 I don't know what sort of place it is. 144 00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:47,400 They had this, um... 145 00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:51,960 I don't know what it was. But it lit up. 146 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:54,160 I think it had a bell on it. 147 00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:57,800 Oh, I don't know. I know I don't want to go there again, though. 148 00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:00,840 - Did you not use your voucher, then? - Oh, no. I used the voucher. 149 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,240 - Arthur. - Yes, Birdie? 150 00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:09,080 Your man, Brian, he's just been telling a terrible sad story. 151 00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:10,920 Brian? You mean Michael? 152 00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:13,360 Yeah, one of those names. He was talking to Sinem. 153 00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:18,320 - What an awful brutal childhood he had. - Really, Birdie? Go on, then. 154 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:22,440 He wanted to go to the zoo, but his dad took Tommy Cooper instead! 155 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:24,040 Oh! 156 00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:27,800 And now, as a result of it, he has a tremendous anal problem. 157 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:29,520 Oh! Right, that settles it! 158 00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:32,040 We're going to give him a proper birthday. 159 00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:34,600 I'm going to pull all the stops out, no expense spared. 160 00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:37,040 It's in here somewhere, I know it is. 161 00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:39,360 A-ha! Here it is! 162 00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:41,640 - Ah, I've been saving this. - What is it, Arthur? 163 00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:45,560 - This, Eggy, is the golden ticket. - Golden ticket? - Yes, you know. 164 00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:48,720 Like from Charlie's Wonky...Willy Factory. 165 00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:53,120 I'm going to give Michael a birthday to remember, if it kills him. Me. 166 00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:58,560 ALL: Surprise! 167 00:08:58,560 --> 00:09:00,120 Oh! Aw! 168 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:03,560 Oh! Brian?! Who's Brian? 169 00:09:03,560 --> 00:09:05,880 Sorry about that. Birdie did that. 170 00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:09,000 But make no mistake, we are here to celebrate you, Brian. 171 00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:10,360 Er, Michael. 172 00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:12,520 Thank you very much. I don't know what to say. 173 00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:16,080 Oh, the child-like delight in your eyes says it all. 174 00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:21,120 But it's not over yet. For we are going on a magical mystery tour! 175 00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:24,000 - What? - We have everything planned. Come on. Your carriage awaits. 176 00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:26,720 No, no, Arthur. Sinem and I have something pla... 177 00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:28,080 Did you know about this? 178 00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:31,040 - I did and they've promised to get you back in time. - Fear not. 179 00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:35,080 We shall return you to your lady's arms at the appointed hour. 180 00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:36,760 - Er... - Oh, Michael! 181 00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:40,000 For goodness' sake, be spontaneous, for once in your life! 182 00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:41,880 Oh, all right, what the heck! 183 00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:44,040 Arthur, 184 00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:45,800 I'm in your hands. 185 00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:54,840 - When can I take this off? - When we're there. 186 00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:58,280 - How long's the drive? - About an hour and a half. 187 00:09:58,280 --> 00:10:02,360 - I'm not wearing a blindfold for an hour and a half! - Go on, then. 188 00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:04,800 Take it off. But you'll spoil the sus-prise. 189 00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:13,720 Hello, Michael. 190 00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:28,000 Where are we going? 191 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:30,920 Let me put it this way, do you like animals? 192 00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:35,920 They're all right. 193 00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:40,320 That's the spirit! Well, we're all going to Felsted Safari Park! 194 00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:42,960 - Hurray! - Hurray! 195 00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:44,680 Oh. 196 00:10:44,680 --> 00:10:47,520 Oh, wow, OK. Why? 197 00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:53,200 - Because your dad took Tommy Cooper to the zoo. - Because...?! Sorry? 198 00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:57,120 Couldn't get a voucher for the zoo, but this is the next best thing. 199 00:10:57,120 --> 00:10:59,240 Oh. Oh, you overheard me... 200 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:01,360 No, he didn't take Tommy Cooper to the zoo. 201 00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:04,760 Oh, doesn't matter. 202 00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:08,080 Thank you, Arthur. That's... That's very thoughtful. 203 00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:12,040 - The voucher gives us 60% off a family ticket. - I'm the wife. 204 00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:13,840 And a wonderful wife you are, dear! 205 00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:19,360 - Oh, OK. Isn't Eggy coming? - 'Hello, Michael.' 206 00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:21,720 He's in the boot until we get in. 207 00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:23,280 It only pays for one child. 208 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:31,000 OK, so, Eggy's in the boot and we're passing John off as a schoolboy? 209 00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:33,080 That's about the size of it. 210 00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:37,240 - John does not look like a schoolboy. - Steady on, Michael. 211 00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:38,520 I'm sorry, you don't. 212 00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:42,520 - Now, boys. - Michael! John! I will turn this car round! 213 00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:44,520 LAUGHS 214 00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:52,880 What do you think of the car, Michael? 215 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:56,280 It's an Austin Maxi, the Rolls-Royce of the car world. 216 00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:58,520 Can't be many of these still on the road. 217 00:11:58,520 --> 00:12:00,160 I tell you something, 218 00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:03,880 you would not believe how cheaply I was able to hire it for the day. 219 00:12:03,880 --> 00:12:06,360 They were practically begging me to take it away. 220 00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:10,680 - Right. - Probably because there's a bit of a hole under my seat. 221 00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:14,120 Don't worry though. I've stuffed a load of newspapers down there, 222 00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:17,040 so it won't get too draughty in the back. 223 00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:20,160 'This is the same car we went to my birthday in, isn't it?' 224 00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:21,920 It is, Eggy. 225 00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:25,760 You... You all nearly died, didn't you, that time? 226 00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:28,520 - 'We did.' - Not because of the car, though. 227 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:31,760 That was because I spent very little money on the boat. 228 00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:33,120 'That's right.' 229 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:38,320 And then, on John's birthday, you all nearly died then too. 230 00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:41,000 Ha! That's right. We nearly drowned. 231 00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:45,040 Luckily, no chance of that in a safari park. 232 00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:46,640 Safari park. 233 00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:50,800 I'm going to a safari park. 234 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:53,280 On my birthday. 235 00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:54,920 With Arthur. 236 00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:58,880 In this car. 237 00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:00,360 The car is safe, isn't it? 238 00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:03,320 Incredibly safe...for the money. 239 00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:05,240 It's secure? 240 00:13:05,240 --> 00:13:08,080 Bound to be secure, I...would imagine. 241 00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:09,720 Is it, though? 242 00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:11,120 Secure and safe? Full stop? 243 00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:15,000 Secure and safe, full stop, I would say. 244 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:17,360 Categorically, safe and secure? 245 00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:22,760 Categorically, in general terms...I would imagine so. 246 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:26,920 Arthur! Can you assure me that this car is completely safe? 247 00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:29,840 Ye-e-e-es... 248 00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:35,040 I'm going to die! 249 00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:36,960 'Arthur does like to cut corners.' 250 00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:40,560 I'm extremely frightened. We're going to a safari park! 251 00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:44,920 This doesn't feel safe! I don't feel safe, at all! 252 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:47,520 Well, I'm a bit worried about all of you now. 253 00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:50,640 Maybe if you sneak away, they'll cancel it and just come home. 254 00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:52,440 You can make up an excuse later. 255 00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:54,120 Sneak away? 256 00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:55,360 Maybe. 257 00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:58,160 - I'll call you back. - OK. 258 00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:07,640 FLIES BUZZING 259 00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:15,040 Michael? 260 00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:17,640 SPLOSH 261 00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:19,600 What are you doing? 262 00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:23,000 Just taking it all in. 263 00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:26,200 So beautiful out here. 264 00:14:33,320 --> 00:14:35,160 I sus-ppose. 265 00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:38,120 Are you coming, then? 266 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:41,160 Yup. 267 00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:43,160 On my way. 268 00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:53,240 All right, everyone. Here we are. You know what to do. 269 00:14:56,760 --> 00:15:00,000 - Now, now, dear. Let's not argue. - Nag, nag, nag! 270 00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:05,720 Women, eh? Oh, they'll be the death of me. Hello, my good man. 271 00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:08,720 I have here a voucher for a family ticket, please, thank you. 272 00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:10,160 For families. 273 00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:13,680 We are a family, as my wife and son will confirm. 274 00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:17,120 Although, don't pay too much attention to my son. He's shy. 275 00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:20,560 I love you and I always will, despite what my father decreed. 276 00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:23,040 Yes, let's not get into all that now, Birdie, my dear. 277 00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:24,840 My father opposed our love. 278 00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:27,640 Yes, that's not really an issue at the moment, Birdie. 279 00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:29,720 We're going to a safari park. 280 00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:32,080 And now we're a family, with a lovely wee boy. 281 00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:35,920 Yes, don't bring unnecessary attention to John, Birdie. 282 00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:38,440 - What about him? - He's paying. 283 00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:47,400 - Here we go. Ooh! Isn't it exciting? - He's circling! 284 00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:48,920 He's circling back to attack! 285 00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:53,600 - A couple of elephants. - Hello! 286 00:15:57,360 --> 00:15:59,160 Oh, spotty horses. 287 00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:03,680 Oh, I wonder what's up with them. They must be poorly. 288 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:07,200 That one's getting a free ride! Get down and walk like the rest of them! 289 00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:10,200 Ooh! Signs in the wild. 290 00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:14,640 It's coming near the car. It's coming near the car! 291 00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:18,040 You all right, Michael? You sound highly stressed. 292 00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:22,280 No, I'm fine. Let's just get through this as quick as you can. 293 00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:28,160 - LIGHTER FLICKS - John! Are you smoking? 294 00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:32,000 - Yeah. - Why? 295 00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:36,000 It's just what you said. Try and be more like a schoolboy. 296 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:38,880 You know, crafty one behind the bike sheds, sort of thing. 297 00:16:38,880 --> 00:16:41,240 You're in the back seat of a car! 298 00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:43,320 You're supposed to be with your parents! 299 00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:45,520 Oh, yeah. I suppose so. 300 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:47,560 Sorry, I'll get rid of it. 301 00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:51,600 - Monkey! - MONKEY SCREECHES 302 00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:58,120 Oh, look. It's the lions. They're my favourite. 303 00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:00,640 - EGGY: - 'Why do you like lions so much, Arthur?' 304 00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:02,760 I don't, Eggy. I can't stand them. 305 00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:05,040 I find them h-arrogant! 306 00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:07,480 But they're not so high and mighty now, are they? 307 00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:11,320 Eh? We're safe, here in the car and they're out there, 308 00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:14,760 thinking about how much they'd love to come and eat us. 309 00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:17,440 Dream on, you bloody idiots! 310 00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:19,160 Oh, and by the way, 311 00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:23,360 sorry again for forgetting to take you out of the boot at the entrance. 312 00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:26,960 'Don't worry about it, Arthur. It happens. 313 00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:29,280 'Too late to do anything about it now, anyway.' 314 00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:35,760 - CRACKLING John, I thought you were told to put that cigarette out. - I did, Arthur. 315 00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:37,920 The floor! The floor's on fire! 316 00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:40,560 Oh! The cigarette's set the newspapers on fire! 317 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,560 Why didn't you throw it out of the window? 318 00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:45,520 You're not supposed to have the windows open in a safari park. 319 00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:46,880 All right! Everybody out! 320 00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:53,320 - Oh, my God! - What are they doing? They're getting out of the car! 321 00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:55,800 - Erm... - Arthur! Arthur, we have to get back in the car! 322 00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:58,920 - But there's fire in the car! - There's lions out here! 323 00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:00,880 But there's fire in the car! 324 00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:03,840 - They're looking over. - We have to get back inside! 325 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:05,080 But what about the fire? 326 00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:09,480 - What about the lions?! - Ooh! The lions, fire. The lions, fire! 327 00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:11,000 It's a dilemma! 328 00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:12,680 Wh-what does everyone else think? 329 00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:15,600 - We can't debate it! - Come on, John! You must have an opinion! 330 00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:17,080 It's not my field, Arthur. 331 00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:19,800 - Who votes for getting back in the car? - There's no time! 332 00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:23,600 On balance, I think we should get back in the car. 333 00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:25,640 Get back in the car! 334 00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:28,440 - OK, OK. They're getting back. - Oh! 335 00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,280 COUGHING 336 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:35,840 - They're getting back out again! - What?! 337 00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:37,680 There's too much fire in the car! 338 00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:40,520 - Everyone, try and look a bit less like food! - Oh, God! 339 00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:43,240 What are we going to do? 340 00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:45,200 Eggy, how are you doing? 341 00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:48,120 'I'm not too bad, Arthur. Are we home yet?' 342 00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:53,760 Not quite. Um, you have a bit of a decision to make, Eggy. 343 00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:55,240 'Oh, yes?' 344 00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:59,200 There's fire in the car, but there's lions out here. 345 00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:04,240 Given those circumstances, do you want to get out of the boot? 346 00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:08,000 'I tell you what, let me out and I'll have a look at the situation.' 347 00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,640 Right, you are. 348 00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:20,360 - There's a little old man in the boot! - What?! 349 00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:22,760 LIONS ROAR 350 00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:28,720 Oh, yeah. I see what you mean. 351 00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:32,880 - All right, look, we're going to have to make a run for it. - What?! 352 00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:35,880 When I count to three, we all scatter in different directions. 353 00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:38,640 Hopefully, the lions will become confused and not know who to 354 00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:41,120 - pick to eat. Ready? - Fire away! 355 00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:42,960 - Ready. - Are we going to do this? 356 00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:47,240 - Are we really going to do this?! - One, two, three. 357 00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:49,240 Oh, look! The fire's gone out. Back in the car. 358 00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:54,240 The little boy! The little boy! What's he doing? 359 00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:56,120 Run! Run! 360 00:19:57,960 --> 00:19:59,640 What about John? 361 00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:02,240 Oh, it's all right. Look, they're not bothered. 362 00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:08,200 - I want to go home. - But what about the alligators? - Now! 363 00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:11,080 - 'We have to pick up John.' - Yes, of course, pick up John. 364 00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:12,360 But then we go home. 365 00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:15,640 - What about...? - Arthur! You nearly killed us! I want to go home! 366 00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:17,880 Oh, well. If that's the way you feel about it. 367 00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:24,000 Ah! 368 00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:36,440 Thank God! The little boy! 369 00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:39,000 Hello. 370 00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:41,320 Hello. Are you all right? 371 00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:46,360 SHE SCREAMS 372 00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:51,840 Oh, erm... CAR RATTLES 373 00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:54,040 I'm sure that's nothing. 374 00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:56,800 Actually, how about we get out and stretch our legs? 375 00:20:56,800 --> 00:21:00,160 - No, I want to go home. - Just let's stretch our legs for a minute. 376 00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:06,920 - Car's broken down again, hasn't it? - N-no. 377 00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:10,040 HISSING 378 00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:14,240 Ooh, broken down, you said? 379 00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:17,880 Yes, it probably has broken down, is what I meant to say. 380 00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:20,800 - Get the AA. - Er, the car's not with the AA. 381 00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:22,880 It's with the AAA. 382 00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:24,280 They're a little cheaper. 383 00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:27,280 But they promise to be out within 24 hours. 384 00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:29,200 24 hours?! 385 00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:32,120 - Right, that is it! - THUNDERCLAP 386 00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:35,760 Argh! 387 00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:37,880 I don't know what's got you so upset. 388 00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:40,480 We've had a nice time, haven't we? 389 00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:45,240 No! No, we have not had a nice time, Arthur! You nearly killed us! 390 00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:47,760 You nearly killed us, Arthur! And you know why? 391 00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:49,960 Because you cut corners! 392 00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:54,080 You cut so many corners that you are literally putting lives at risk. 393 00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:57,080 - Well, maybe we can... - What? - Flag a... - What, Arthur? 394 00:21:57,080 --> 00:21:58,440 We are miles from anywhere. 395 00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:00,600 You're a member of something called the AAA, 396 00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:03,600 it is pouring with rain and now my phone has run out! 397 00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:04,880 What do you suggest we do? 398 00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:08,360 I'll go and see if I can find some help. 399 00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:12,480 - EGGY: - 'Can I get out now?' 400 00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:17,880 Come on, everyone. Let's have a singsong. 401 00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:19,760 # Oh... # 402 00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:21,240 Birdie, Birdie, I'm not in the mood. 403 00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:26,120 I could be home. Nice food, bottle of wine. 404 00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:31,600 Instead, I'm here. 405 00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:33,200 Ha-ha. That's true enough. 406 00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:35,360 You're definitely here. 407 00:22:35,360 --> 00:22:38,040 - How do you do it, Birdie? - How do I do what? 408 00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:40,040 You're always so cheerful. 409 00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:42,880 Why wouldn't I be cheerful? I'm having a brilliant time! 410 00:22:46,120 --> 00:22:47,760 How? 411 00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:50,960 I never thought I'd go to a safari park, something like that. 412 00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:53,560 It wasn't until I met Arthur that things like that started 413 00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:54,760 happening to me. 414 00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:58,120 I get a bit low sometimes, you know, but like, you know, 415 00:22:58,120 --> 00:23:00,760 there's some lovely people there, but being at the shelter, 416 00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:03,920 you know, you get the blues sometimes. You know, that way. 417 00:23:03,920 --> 00:23:06,720 It's just nice to get away from it all for a while. 418 00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:10,440 You know? Better to look at a lion for the day than sheep for the rest 419 00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:11,760 of your life. 420 00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:17,800 Oh, look. Here comes Arthur. 421 00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:23,640 Spotted a cafe over that way. We'll have to get going, though. 422 00:23:23,640 --> 00:23:24,920 - It's a long walk. - Arthur. 423 00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:29,560 - Can I just say I'm sorry for shouting...? - Oh, no, no. 424 00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:31,200 No, you were right. 425 00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:34,560 I wanted to give you a special day, but I cut so many corners, 426 00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:35,800 I just ruined it. 427 00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:39,000 It's just like when it was Eggy's birthday and we all nearly drowned. 428 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:42,280 Or John's birthday and we all...nearly drowned. 429 00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:46,120 I just can't do anything right. I'm cheap. 430 00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:50,640 I mean, who else carries a box of vouchers around? Vouchers. 431 00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:52,320 Hang on. 432 00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:56,040 Birdie, have you got that I gave you from Ann Summers? 433 00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:58,600 I do, Arthur. 434 00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:01,440 They're lovely stockings, but they're not really my style. 435 00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:04,920 Brilliant. Eggy, when I give you the thumbs up, try the engine. 436 00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:06,480 Oh, Arthur. You're... 437 00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:09,400 You're not going to use it as a fan belt, are you? 438 00:24:10,440 --> 00:24:12,760 - I think that only works in films. - ENGINE STARTS 439 00:24:12,760 --> 00:24:15,720 It's working! It's working! 440 00:24:15,720 --> 00:24:18,360 Quick! Get back in, before it changes its mind! 441 00:24:19,640 --> 00:24:21,280 Should get us as far as that cafe. 442 00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:28,080 - # Happy birthday dear Michael BIRDIE: - ..Brian! 443 00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:31,120 # Happy birthday to you! # 444 00:24:31,120 --> 00:24:33,200 THEY CHEER 445 00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:36,320 I'll be mum. 446 00:24:36,320 --> 00:24:39,240 FAKE COUGHS 447 00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:42,160 I remember when I first met Michael. 448 00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:44,720 There... Um... Erm... 449 00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:47,400 Er... 450 00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:50,760 Enough of my stories! 451 00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:53,200 Let's all raise a glass to the man who's become 452 00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:55,360 a fixture in all our lives. 453 00:24:55,360 --> 00:24:59,600 Like a spoon or... a thing for salt, um... 454 00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:05,360 Actually, maybe that spoon's a bit dirty. Um, but Michael...isn't. 455 00:25:05,360 --> 00:25:11,280 He's clean. Like a...bar of soap or a washing machine. 456 00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:14,720 Not once have I had to step in and have a word. 457 00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:16,120 To Michael! 458 00:25:16,120 --> 00:25:18,600 - ALL: - To Michael! 459 00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:20,520 Well, thank you very much. 460 00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:24,560 It's the nicest roadside sausage birthday cake I've ever had. 461 00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:27,560 It's not bad, is it? Mm! It's very dense. 462 00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:30,760 I get the feeling there's more than one kind of meat in here. 463 00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:33,840 I like that in a sausage. There's a lot going on. 464 00:25:33,840 --> 00:25:36,720 Seriously, though, Michael, it's been a pleasure knowing you, 465 00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:38,200 these last few years. 466 00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:40,480 I'll second that. 467 00:25:40,480 --> 00:25:42,640 - I don't really know you. 468 00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:44,320 You'd do anything for anyone. 469 00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:47,480 - You haven't got a selfish bone in your body. - Very true, Eggy. 470 00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:49,600 We could learn a lot from Michael. 471 00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:52,240 Are you finishing that? 472 00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:53,760 Do you want it? 473 00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:57,520 - Well, if you're not having it. - It's all yours. 474 00:25:57,520 --> 00:25:59,560 Will I get another round in? 475 00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:02,040 Thanks, Eggy, but just still working on this one. 476 00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:07,840 Actually, I've had a lot of fun, so thank you, guys. 477 00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:10,760 Just a shame you won't be back in time for Sinem. 478 00:26:10,760 --> 00:26:13,720 I wouldn't be too sure about that. BELL PINGS 479 00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:17,480 - What's this? - I got you one of those motorcycle shuttle services. 480 00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:19,800 This bloke will whizz you through the traffic, 481 00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:21,880 get you back in time for your big night. 482 00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:24,440 Oh, Arthur, that's... That's so kind. 483 00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:26,720 This must have cost you a few quid. 484 00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:29,200 You don't need to say anything. Just go. 485 00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:31,440 OK, lead the way. 486 00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:35,000 Thank you, guys. 487 00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:36,960 - Bye. - Bye. - Bye, Michael! 488 00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:41,640 - And you didn't even need to use a voucher. - Oh, no. I used a voucher. 489 00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:51,760 - Bloody helmet! - What's wrong with the helmet? 490 00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:54,320 Oh, the visibility's very poor. 491 00:26:54,320 --> 00:26:58,560 You do know you're not actually looking at me right now, don't you? 492 00:26:58,560 --> 00:26:59,880 Oh, sorry. 493 00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:03,480 Still not looking at me. 494 00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:08,120 Sorry, this may sound like a silly question, but...can you see? 495 00:27:08,120 --> 00:27:11,120 I can see most...things. 496 00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:14,520 No hurry! 497 00:27:14,520 --> 00:27:16,520 I said, no hurry! 498 00:27:16,520 --> 00:27:18,000 Watch that rock! 499 00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:19,440 There's a corner! 500 00:27:22,280 --> 00:27:24,920 Well, we'd better start, if we're walking back. 501 00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:26,640 Oh, no. I got us a taxi. 502 00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:34,120 - Oh, wasn't that a lovely day? - And no-one drowned. 503 00:27:36,240 --> 00:27:39,640 - Oh, my God! - Yeah, yes. Quite a day. 504 00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:41,320 Are you all right? 505 00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:44,200 Oh, you know. 506 00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:45,480 Water off a duck's back. 507 00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:52,760 Lovely.