1 00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:17,520 - But no-one else is doing it! - There's a reason for that! 2 00:00:17,520 --> 00:00:20,520 Yes, it's such a good idea, no-one else has thought of it! 3 00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:23,080 No, it's such a bad idea, no-one else has thought of it. 4 00:00:23,080 --> 00:00:26,200 - I think it can be done tastefully. - It can't. 5 00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:28,440 - Eggy, tell him. - Yes, Eggy, tell him. 6 00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:31,880 - I have to say, Arthur, I'm with Michael on this one. - What? 7 00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:34,560 It's not the best idea you've ever had. 8 00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:36,880 A funeral photographer 9 00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:39,680 is not something people will want. 10 00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:45,440 Why not? It's a big get-together, isn't it?! 11 00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:47,600 All right, what will you ask everyone to say? 12 00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:50,760 - What do you mean? - You've got some mourners, dressed in black, 13 00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:54,040 standing in front of a hearse, posing for photographs. 14 00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:55,960 What do you ask them to say? 15 00:00:55,960 --> 00:01:00,080 You know, the usual. "Smile". Oh, wait! 16 00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:02,040 - There you go. - I see what you mean now. 17 00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:04,480 BEEPING What was that? 18 00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:07,120 My publishers said I should start a Twitter account. 19 00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:08,760 It's good for publicity, apparently. 20 00:01:08,760 --> 00:01:11,200 One of my tweets must have got retweeted. 21 00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:13,680 How many people see it when you tweet something? 22 00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:16,000 I don't think that's important, actually. 23 00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:19,040 It's good you do Twitter. The world can always use more opinions 24 00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:22,840 from middle class white people. 25 00:01:22,840 --> 00:01:24,680 That's sarcasm. 26 00:01:24,680 --> 00:01:27,960 What was I thinking about? Funeral photographer. 27 00:01:27,960 --> 00:01:29,760 It's a terrible idea. 28 00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:33,240 That's almost as bad as The Castle of Adventure. 29 00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:37,000 Oh, yes. The Castle of Adventure. 30 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:39,920 - What was that? - An educational toy. 31 00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:43,120 I suppose the simplest way of putting it, Michael... 32 00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:47,000 HE STAMMERS 33 00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:51,160 An assault course for babies. 34 00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:52,800 I see. 35 00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:55,200 It didn't really work. 36 00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:57,840 I still think the principle is sound, Eggy. 37 00:01:57,840 --> 00:02:00,440 Giving babies some much-needed exercise, 38 00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:02,800 getting them thinking on their feet, et cetera. 39 00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:05,880 But relying on their sense of self-preservation to propel them 40 00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:10,320 through a really quite hazardous vertical maze... 41 00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:15,480 was, I now realise, flawed. 42 00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:18,320 Good God! You didn't actually build one, did you? 43 00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:21,880 We did, a prototype, we tested it with John. 44 00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:29,120 Where suddenly its shortcomings became hideously apparent. 45 00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:31,960 Thank goodness it never made it to market. 46 00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:34,840 But let's not dwell! 47 00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:38,720 Hey! You know Los Demonios de la Emocion? 48 00:02:38,720 --> 00:02:41,320 Oh, yes, at the Roundhouse. Yes, I've heard it's excellent. 49 00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:44,320 It's an Argentinian performance art group. 50 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:46,280 "The Demons of Excitement". 51 00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:49,040 There's a lot of audience participation. 52 00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:52,440 At one point they descend on wires and grab people under the arms 53 00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:55,760 and propel them to the top of a suspended dome! 54 00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:58,720 Well, I got us some tickets for Saturday. 55 00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:01,400 Oh! I've been dying to see that! 56 00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:05,080 I know! Had to pull a few strings, but here we are. 57 00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:08,960 I don't want to go to that! 58 00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:11,440 - What? - I don't want to go to that! 59 00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:13,600 But you literally just said you wanted to see it. 60 00:03:13,600 --> 00:03:16,840 I didn't think we'd be able to get tickets! I don't want to be grabbed 61 00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:20,840 from the audience and taken to the top of a suspended dome! 62 00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:25,920 That sounds like the second phase of The Castle of Adventure. 63 00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:32,000 "No-one in the audience is safe." 64 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:34,240 "Wear loose clothing." 65 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:38,040 "Not recommended for pregnant women." 66 00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:40,360 I don't see why they get out of it. 67 00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:43,400 You go through this every time Sinem wants to do something different. 68 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:45,040 If you're that worried about it, 69 00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:47,400 why don't you tell her you've got something else on? 70 00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:51,120 - I can't just lie. - Why not? - I'm not built like that. 71 00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:54,160 I actually have to have something to do and then I have to 72 00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:58,120 go and do that thing otherwise my face just radiates guilt. 73 00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:00,480 I look like a distress flare. 74 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:02,920 Oh, well, just go, then. You might enjoy it! 75 00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:05,160 Don't be so ridiculous, Arthur. 76 00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:09,040 It's audience participation! 77 00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:10,840 Anything yet, you two? 78 00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:13,000 Sorry, Arthur, nothing's coming. 79 00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:15,200 BEEPING Oh! That noise! 80 00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:19,360 - Sorry. - Come on, you're my ideas people, and we need some fresh ones. 81 00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:22,120 If somebody can make money out of Michael's telephone 82 00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:23,600 making that terrible noise 83 00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:26,080 then surely we can come up with something. 84 00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:29,320 As you know, Michael, in the world of entertainment 85 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:32,920 my legacy is established but I worry that not enough people know me 86 00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:34,840 as an entrepreneur. 87 00:04:34,840 --> 00:04:37,080 Barry Norman has his pickled onions, 88 00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:40,960 Bill Wyman has his range of metal detectors 89 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:44,920 and Alan Sugar has, um, whatever he does. 90 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:47,400 What do I have? 91 00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:50,360 I tell you what always gets the creative juices flowing, Arthur... 92 00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:52,920 - A soupover! - Good idea, John! 93 00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:55,040 Sorry, what did you say? A sleepover? 94 00:04:55,040 --> 00:05:00,440 - Isn't that for teenage girls? - No, no - soupover. 95 00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:04,280 - A soupover? - Yeah. 96 00:05:04,280 --> 00:05:07,480 - What is it? - Just what it sounds like. 97 00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:09,080 I don't know what it sounds like. 98 00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:13,720 We get together and just have a bit of a chat and some soup. 99 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:17,200 - Soup? - Yes! You wouldn't not have soup at a soupover! 100 00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:19,560 I'm sorry, I'm still not quite sure I understand. 101 00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:22,880 - Look, we all go to someone's house, right? - Right. 102 00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:26,560 And everyone brings a small selection of their favourite soups. 103 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:28,280 Right. 104 00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:31,640 And...that's it. 105 00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:34,240 - You each bring a small selection? - Yes. 106 00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:38,920 It's kind of like Come Dine With Me except with only soup. 107 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:41,640 - How many of you are involved? - Just me, John and Eggy. 108 00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:44,040 So if you each bring a small selection of soups, 109 00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:46,760 - that's at least six different soups. - Oh, at least. 110 00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:49,920 Usually it'd be around nine separate soups. 111 00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:53,720 My sister's washing my pyjamas, so I can't do it today. 112 00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:56,600 Never mind, Eggy. It's more of a weekend thing, anyway. 113 00:05:56,600 --> 00:06:01,480 - Pyjamas? - Yes. We put on our pyjamas and watch Channel 4 Racing 114 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:06,240 and do all the other things you would do at a soupover. 115 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:07,680 So you do sleepover. 116 00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:10,240 This is just like an old man version of a sleepover. 117 00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:13,960 It's not overnight. We do it in the afternoon. 118 00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:15,800 Why do you wear your pyjamas, then? 119 00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:19,720 You can get very sleepy when you have soup during the day, Michael. 120 00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:22,080 Especially leek and potato. 121 00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:24,600 - Can I come? - No girls. 122 00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:28,240 - What? In this day and age? - You didn't let me finish. 123 00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:32,640 No girls have ever wanted to come to a soupover. 124 00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:35,000 You'd be very welcome, of course, Birdie. 125 00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:39,360 Actually, now I'm allowed to, I don't want to. I hate soup. 126 00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:42,440 - What? - I'm just not a fan. 127 00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:46,560 If you'll excuse me. 128 00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:51,120 What are you saying, Birdie? 129 00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:54,320 Have I upset Eggy? I just don't like soup. 130 00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:56,720 You've not been coming to the cafe long, Birdie, 131 00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:58,600 so I'll explain to Eggy. 132 00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:01,400 But don't be talking jive about soup! 133 00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:03,840 We take it all very seriously. 134 00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:06,040 - Why? - What? 135 00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:08,600 Why do you take soup seriously? 136 00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:12,000 During World War I, Eggy's Grandfather Charlie 137 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:14,040 was a cook in the trenches. 138 00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:17,960 On Christmas Day, there was a huge 1,000-player football match 139 00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:19,800 between us and the Germans. 140 00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:23,400 Afterwards, Charlie had the idea of making 141 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:26,200 a big load of soup for everyone. 142 00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:32,520 There wasn't a pot big enough, so he had to make it in a cannon. 143 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:35,200 When it was ready, he lowered the cannon 144 00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:38,000 and everyone came and got soup from it. 145 00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:41,080 The Germans were a little bit nervous to see the cannon 146 00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:45,360 being pointed at them, but when they saw it was full of soup, 147 00:07:45,360 --> 00:07:49,480 they laughed and all was well. 148 00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:56,560 So, to commemorate this moment in our nation's history, 149 00:07:56,560 --> 00:08:03,280 you, Eggy and John eat up to nine separate soups in your pyjamas? 150 00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:05,720 It really is as simple as that. 151 00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:08,280 But it's not just one single incident. 152 00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:11,480 Soup has played a pivotal role throughout history. 153 00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:14,760 Archimedes, for example, was eating soup in the bath, 154 00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:18,440 when he had his "urethra" moment. 155 00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:22,520 And it's very much in that spirit that we formed our brotherhood. 156 00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:25,800 A brotherhood of soup, if you will. 157 00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:29,000 And you're doing it this weekend? 158 00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:30,800 Just hold that thought. 159 00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:34,640 Hi, hi, listen, 160 00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:36,600 I've just remembered. 161 00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:38,960 I'm not going to be able to make it this Saturday. 162 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:40,560 Oh, no! Why not? 163 00:08:40,560 --> 00:08:45,840 I have a Cuban black bean and a Vietnamese noodle pho. 164 00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:47,560 Oooh! Intriguing! 165 00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:50,520 It's paying off already, John, getting some young blood in. 166 00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:54,240 Oh, yes, we usually only have British soups. 167 00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:57,480 - British soups? - Yes, you know, like cream of chicken, 168 00:08:57,480 --> 00:08:59,760 cream of tomato, cream of vegetable, 169 00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:02,720 cream of mushroom, cream of cauliflower, cream of turkey, 170 00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:05,880 and all the rest of the cream branch of the soup tree. 171 00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:08,280 And then of course you have your broths - 172 00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:12,560 Scotch broth, oxtail, mulligatawny, cock-a-leekie, mock turtle, 173 00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:16,240 real turtle. And then we move on to the cup-a-soups... 174 00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:19,320 - OK, I've got it, I've got it, thank you. - What did you bring, John? 175 00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:21,760 Cream of mushroom, leek and potato. 176 00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:24,160 Oh, that's two very heavy soups. 177 00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:26,880 You should always try to bring a consomme, John. 178 00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:29,480 It's a marathon, not a sprint. 179 00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:32,360 DOORBELL RINGS Oh, here's Eggy now. 180 00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:34,320 Do we just start eating them when Eggy arrives? 181 00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:37,240 - Oh, no. I've just had breakfast. - Right, I skipped breakfast 182 00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:39,800 because I thought we'd be eating soup all day. 183 00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:42,720 - Hello, everyone! - What have you got for us, Eggy? 184 00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:46,600 I've got cream of broccoli, seafood chowder and lentil soup. 185 00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:49,520 Again, very heavy soups. And three of them. 186 00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:52,600 I'm a bit worried about this. What's the vase for? 187 00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:56,520 I didn't have enough pots so I put the cream of broccoli in a vase. 188 00:09:56,520 --> 00:10:01,240 Ooh, I've never had soup from a vase before. That's quite exciting. 189 00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:03,320 It's different, isn't it? 190 00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:06,800 PHONE RINGS 191 00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:09,240 - Hi. - Hello. 192 00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:12,080 How ya doin', good lookin'? 193 00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:14,680 Are you really not coming to this with me? 194 00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:18,240 It's just I promised Arthur I'd do this thing with him. 195 00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:21,440 It's actually a pain in the butt, really. 196 00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:23,080 HE MOUTHS 197 00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:26,080 Just not sure what time it will finish. 198 00:10:26,080 --> 00:10:27,480 You kept going on about this show. 199 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:29,960 Do you know the trouble it took to get tickets? 200 00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:33,360 Yeah, I know, I'm sorry. Sorry! 201 00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:35,000 You say that word so much, Michael. 202 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,360 I could really do without hearing that word for a while. 203 00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:39,080 LINE DISCONNECTS 204 00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:42,040 Ooh, that didn't go brilliantly. 205 00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:45,880 Lady problems? Tell me about it! 206 00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:48,280 What do you know about lady problems? 207 00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:52,040 How to handle a woman? I know enough. 208 00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:53,960 I know a single Cadbury's Rose 209 00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:56,760 can bring a bigger smile than a whole box can. 210 00:10:56,760 --> 00:10:59,520 I know they like to be treated like a queen in the kitchen, 211 00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:03,120 a friend in the...bath, 212 00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:06,040 and a vixen in the scullery! 213 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:11,160 But most importantly, love her. Merely love her. 214 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:13,600 You've been alone - sorry, a bachelor - 215 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:16,440 - the whole time I've known you. - Yes, well... Actually, Eggy, 216 00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:18,920 that's not a good place for the vase of soup. 217 00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:24,400 I'll put it over here next to this extremely tall pile of sliced bread. 218 00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:26,000 What was I saying? Oh, yes. 219 00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:30,280 I don't think I could live with someone else's eccentricities. 220 00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:33,200 - No women for us, eh, John? - Yeah! 221 00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:45,200 Shall we begin the festivities? 222 00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:46,880 Ooh, let's go! 223 00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:49,240 Are we really not having any soup now? 224 00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:51,920 - I've just had breakfast. - So have I. 225 00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:53,400 OK. 226 00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:56,480 Anyway, we always watch the racing first. 227 00:11:56,480 --> 00:11:59,640 - It's a VHS tape. - Yeah? 228 00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:02,760 So it's a recording of some horse racing. 229 00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:04,960 What's your point? 230 00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:07,240 Nothing, I just... 231 00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:08,560 OK. 232 00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:15,840 INDISTINCT COMMENTARY ON RACING 233 00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:36,040 Michael stood you up, did he? I couldn't help overhearing. 234 00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:38,360 Ha. Sorry, Birdie. 235 00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:40,360 Oh, no need to apologise to me. 236 00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:44,200 It's him who should be apologising. Getting up to no good the way he is. 237 00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:46,880 No, no, he said he's doing something important with Arthur. 238 00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:50,480 - He's not up to anything. - The soupover? 239 00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:52,160 Sorry, the what? 240 00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:54,960 They're supposedly having a soupover. 241 00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:56,960 What's a soupover? 242 00:12:56,960 --> 00:13:00,200 It's a celebration of soup. They each bring a different soup 243 00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:02,600 and sit around eating it in their pyjamas. 244 00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:05,800 - It sounds like the worst thing in the world. - Wait, wait, wait. 245 00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:10,000 You're saying he's not going to this extremely enjoyable event with me, 246 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:14,280 - because he's at something called a "soupover"? - So he says. 247 00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:17,760 - What do you mean? - I don't believe it for a second. 248 00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:19,040 I do. 249 00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:22,600 Michael is exactly the right kind of boring for a soupover. 250 00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:27,520 - Look at that. - Beautiful. 251 00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:29,240 Lovely runner. 252 00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:32,640 Why can't I get any reception? I want to go on the internet. 253 00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:34,720 Why would you want to go on the internet? 254 00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:37,120 Whatever happened to conversation? 255 00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:44,560 - Look at that. - Beautiful. 256 00:13:44,560 --> 00:13:46,960 Lovely runner. 257 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:51,240 I can't breathe. This is like living in the past. 258 00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:54,040 This race isn't even live. 259 00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:55,800 When are we having soup? 260 00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:59,040 Relax, Michael. A soupover has its own rhythm. 261 00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:03,480 You can't be rushing things. Abandon yourself to it. 262 00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:08,080 - Wait a second. Wait a second... - What? 263 00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:11,120 Is this the same race? 264 00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:14,280 - What do you mean? - This is the same race! 265 00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:16,080 This is the race that was just on! 266 00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:18,040 Again, what's your point? 267 00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:20,680 I thought it was at least different races! 268 00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:25,360 - How many races have we watched in the last hour? - Just the one. 269 00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:30,080 Have we been watching the same five minutes of television over and over? 270 00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:31,960 But it's a classic. 271 00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:34,320 Dear God! Oh... 272 00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:36,320 I need to sit down. 273 00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:41,280 - Look at that. - Beautiful. 274 00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:44,520 Lovely runner. 275 00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:48,120 MICHAEL GROANS 276 00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:51,320 I tell you what, something funny's going on. 277 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:54,240 It's not the right weather for a soupover. 278 00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:58,600 They're up to no good. Doing men things. 279 00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:00,520 You're crazy. Men things? 280 00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:03,400 Ha! Michael is not a man! 281 00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:06,400 What do you mean "men things"? 282 00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:10,040 You know, the things men like doing, when men get together 283 00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:12,240 when there's no women there to keep an eye on them. 284 00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:15,320 What do you mean "men things"? 285 00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:18,560 The things of men and men's ways. 286 00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:21,880 Ceremonies. Things, goings on. 287 00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:23,760 What kind of things? 288 00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:31,360 LOUD SLURPING 289 00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:36,800 LOUD SLURPING 290 00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:38,600 - SATISFIED: - Ahhh! 291 00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:41,160 LOUD SLURPING 292 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:45,120 LOUD SLURPING 293 00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:53,800 Well, brothers, I'm getting 294 00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:57,880 potatoes, leeks... 295 00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:00,520 It's potato and leek, Arthur. 296 00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:03,120 I haven't finished, Eggy. 297 00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:05,040 There's a harshness to the potatoes 298 00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:08,320 which indicates they were planted on the north side of the field, 299 00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:12,800 whereas the smooth finish of the leeks suggests Suffolk 300 00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:14,840 and its environs. 301 00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:20,760 Michael? 302 00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:24,320 It just tastes like soup. 303 00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:27,120 He has a way to go yet. 304 00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:30,240 Give him time. Give him time. 305 00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:33,440 This one might surprise you, Arthur. 306 00:16:42,840 --> 00:16:45,040 Mmmm! 307 00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:49,440 Would I be right in saying that these mushrooms come from Lidls? 308 00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:08,360 Disguises for cats. 309 00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:11,400 Why? 310 00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:17,080 Oh, well, let's not do that, then. 311 00:17:17,080 --> 00:17:20,360 Cats are already in a sort of disguise, aren't they? 312 00:17:20,360 --> 00:17:25,000 - How so, Eggy? - Well, a fake beard is a disguise, isn't it? 313 00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:29,040 And cats have sort of a body beard. 314 00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:33,840 Does that get anything going? 315 00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:37,240 Horseshoes! 316 00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:38,720 They already exist. 317 00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:41,760 No, I mean, proper ones that go over the horseshoes. 318 00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:46,320 So it sounds like two men instead of one horse. 319 00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:51,280 How and why and where would that be useful? 320 00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:54,160 In cases of subterfuge. 321 00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,960 If the enemy was looking for one man and a horse, 322 00:17:56,960 --> 00:18:00,680 it would hear the footsteps and think it was roughly three men. 323 00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:05,440 This might give the horse and man vital time to escape. 324 00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:08,320 From where? 325 00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:10,960 The war. 326 00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:14,760 - Ohhh! - Are you all right? 327 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:18,280 Yeah, I just got that feeling of vertigo again. 328 00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:20,760 It's a very intense panic. 329 00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:24,080 A soupover can be quite overpowering if you're not ready for it, Michael. 330 00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:27,240 Put your legs between your head. 331 00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:29,720 Fish "fungers". 332 00:18:31,280 --> 00:18:35,760 - What's that, Arthur? - A more fun version of fish fingers. 333 00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:39,240 - Sounds like fish fungus. - Ooh, it does a bit, doesn't it? 334 00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:40,960 Maybe that's good. 335 00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:43,880 Kids like things that are a little bit horrible, don't they? 336 00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:46,840 Count Arthur Strong's Fish Fungers! 337 00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:49,320 I could dress as a fisherman on the packet. 338 00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:53,000 Or a doctor if we go the fungus route. 339 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:55,760 I really don't feel well. I have to go outside. 340 00:18:55,760 --> 00:19:00,040 - I can't breathe! - Michael, look at me, look at me! 341 00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:03,760 This is a normal reaction to the soupover! 342 00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:05,280 What do you mean? 343 00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:08,880 Not everyone under the age of 60 can handle a soupover, Michael. 344 00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:12,240 Your body is probably going into shock. 345 00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:16,520 It's all so dull, so pointless! 346 00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:19,120 It's grim, it's just grim! 347 00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:20,760 Just push through it! 348 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:23,280 Push through it and come out of the other side! 349 00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:25,480 I'm not sure I can! 350 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:27,520 There's soup in a vase! 351 00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:31,880 There's soup...in a vase! 352 00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:35,000 I'm not like you, this isn't me! 353 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,960 I've still got a chance! 354 00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:39,160 There's still hope! 355 00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:42,240 Well, I'll not stand in your way. 356 00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:46,400 What... What's happened? 357 00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:50,960 Oh, no! The extremely tall pile of sliced bread 358 00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:53,120 has toppled into the vase of soup, 359 00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:57,720 causing it to pour cream of broccoli all over your clothes. 360 00:19:57,720 --> 00:20:00,680 Don't worry, I'll put a wash on. 361 00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:03,920 - How long will that take? - Just a couple of hours. 362 00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:06,160 A couple of hours! 363 00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:15,000 Brother Arthur. I'm concerned about Michael. 364 00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:18,520 He grows pale and the light has gone from his eyes. 365 00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:25,520 He's just acclimatising to the rigorous mental demands 366 00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:27,240 of a soupover. 367 00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:29,080 We've all been there. 368 00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:31,760 The first time wasn't easy for any of us. 369 00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:34,480 True, true. 370 00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:37,800 His transformation is almost complete. 371 00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:41,640 It grows chill. 372 00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:54,200 - Brothers, there's a problem. - A problem, you say? 373 00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:58,360 There's still too much soup. The sink's full and so's the bin. 374 00:20:58,360 --> 00:21:00,320 I was afraid of that. 375 00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:03,720 While you've been a delightful addition to the soupover, 376 00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:06,640 Michael, your presence has caused us something of a problem. 377 00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:10,440 Soup disposal is difficult at the best of times, 378 00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:12,400 but with four participants 379 00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:16,640 there's a real danger of a sort of soup mountain forming. 380 00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:19,080 What are we going to do? 381 00:21:29,520 --> 00:21:31,760 TOILET FLUSHES 382 00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:37,280 Flush it again, Brother John. 383 00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:41,040 TOILET FLUSHES 384 00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:48,360 - I'm probably losing loads of money, you know. - What do you mean? 385 00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:50,600 Water charges. All this flushing. 386 00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:54,480 If there was something in the cistern 387 00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:57,040 you wouldn't need as much water. 388 00:21:57,040 --> 00:21:59,480 Hang on a second. Say that again. 389 00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:02,560 Water displacement. If there was something in the cistern, 390 00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:06,760 it'd use less water and you'd save money on water charges. 391 00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:09,240 You might just have something there, Michael! 392 00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:12,440 Wait a second, let me run the numbers. 393 00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:14,040 They check out! 394 00:22:14,040 --> 00:22:17,360 The average household could save up to 25 pounds a year! 395 00:22:17,360 --> 00:22:20,520 OK, OK, we've got something here. Something's cooking. 396 00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:23,120 Questions - what kind of object should it be? 397 00:22:23,120 --> 00:22:24,760 What should it be made of? 398 00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:29,080 - My head is spinning. This is a brilliant idea. - Settle in, boys. 399 00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:33,320 The soup may be down the toilet, but this soupover is far from over. 400 00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:34,600 Isn't that right, Michael? 401 00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:35,840 HE GROANS 402 00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:38,360 Ha-ha! Good old Michael! 403 00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:43,520 - Names, names. Toilet Pal. Toilet Friend. - Toilet Mate. - Toilet Mate. 404 00:22:45,120 --> 00:22:50,760 INDISTINCT CHATTER THROUGHOUT SCENE 405 00:23:03,360 --> 00:23:07,440 ..save at least 3,000 pounds a year using this product. 406 00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:10,480 What? Wait a minute, what did you say? 407 00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:14,720 Any business employing over 1,000 people will save at least 408 00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:17,720 3,000 a year using this product. 409 00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:20,360 But...that's quite good. 410 00:23:20,360 --> 00:23:23,040 - Too right it is! - What's that? 411 00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:24,840 It's the Toilet Brick. 412 00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:26,800 That's just a prototype. 413 00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:30,320 The actual brick will be made of galvanised rubber. 414 00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:32,960 This might be a good idea. 415 00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:36,280 You might actually have come up with a good idea. 416 00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:39,080 John, explain this to me. 417 00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:42,920 Let me take through the key principals of the design... 418 00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:45,760 The soupover is working its magic. 419 00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:49,240 Michael is becoming one of us. 420 00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:52,320 So he is truly The One. 421 00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:54,440 But is he ready? 422 00:23:54,440 --> 00:23:59,600 - He's still a young man. - His youth is the key to the soupover's future. 423 00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:02,520 Through Michael we can access the internet, 424 00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:06,400 and soon every home will have a Toilet Brick. 425 00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:09,440 We're going to be fairly well off. 426 00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:11,120 Fairly well off I tell you! 427 00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:12,920 HE LAUGHS EVILLY 428 00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:17,040 DOORBELL RINGS Who can that be? 429 00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:20,240 I think the biggest issue will be marketing, John. 430 00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:22,760 If we can really put the Toilet Brick into every... 431 00:24:22,760 --> 00:24:25,280 Hi, Sinem. 432 00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:28,440 Oh. It really is a soupover. 433 00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:31,560 - Well, yes, what did you think? - I... 434 00:24:31,560 --> 00:24:33,120 don't know. 435 00:24:33,120 --> 00:24:36,720 They've come up with a pretty good idea, Sinem - the Toilet Brick. 436 00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:40,720 It can save you money and it's good for the environment. 437 00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:43,440 Right. I just thought you might have finished. 438 00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:45,680 Thought you might still like to come. 439 00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:49,600 Leave him, Sinem. He's happy here. 440 00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:53,120 What's the delay? If you want a lift, let's get a move on. 441 00:24:53,120 --> 00:24:55,040 I think Michael's staying. 442 00:24:55,040 --> 00:24:58,200 Actually, what's that smell? Something smells good. 443 00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:03,040 You know what, Michael, if this is the kind of life you really want, 444 00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:06,240 then you should just say so. But this... 445 00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:09,400 This isn't what I want. Goodbye, Michael. 446 00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:13,360 - But it is actually a good idea. The Toilet Brick... - Toilet Brick? 447 00:25:13,360 --> 00:25:15,320 What the hell is a Toilet Brick? 448 00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:18,000 It's a water displacement device you put in a cistern. 449 00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:21,320 - I think it can work. - Of course it works. We have one in the cafe. 450 00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:23,240 It's called a Toilet Hippo. 451 00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:25,600 - What?! - What?! 452 00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:28,440 Yeah, you can get them online. 453 00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:32,080 - Sinem? - Yes? 454 00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:34,400 Let's get the hell out of here! 455 00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:38,400 - Aren't you going to change? - Loose clothing. Let's go! Go! 456 00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:43,640 - So he wasn't The One. - No. 457 00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:48,960 But there is another. 458 00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:56,080 Then they sprayed foam all over the audience 459 00:25:56,080 --> 00:25:59,360 and put this really loud dance music on. 460 00:25:59,360 --> 00:26:01,240 It was actually quite fun. 461 00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:04,520 And did they grab you and take you to the top of the suspended dome? 462 00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:07,400 No. Next time. 463 00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:10,760 I think I'm going to try and be more open to those kind of things. 464 00:26:10,760 --> 00:26:14,000 I'm not really ready for pyjamas and soup in the daytime. 465 00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:17,240 No hurry. That's all ahead of you. 466 00:26:20,360 --> 00:26:22,120 Can I have a spoon, please, Bulent? 467 00:26:24,840 --> 00:26:26,200 Aaargh! 468 00:26:26,200 --> 00:26:28,560 You up to much at the weekend?