1 00:00:17,440 --> 00:00:20,600 You know those self-driving cars? Are they out yet? 2 00:00:20,600 --> 00:00:22,360 I don't think so, Arthur. 3 00:00:22,360 --> 00:00:25,320 Oh, well, then someone's left the handbrake off a Ford Focus. 4 00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:32,440 Ooh, Eggy, you giving us pick of the car boot? 5 00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:34,040 Quality stuff this, Arthur. 6 00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:37,120 It didn't feel right not to let you all have a look first. 7 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:40,600 Decorative horseshoe, I'm having that for a start. 8 00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:43,720 Same, same for the table tennis bat. 9 00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:45,640 Ooooh, a tin of keys! 10 00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:47,040 I saw it first! 11 00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:51,840 Oh, The Onedin Line box set! 12 00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:57,160 Oh, well, I "susspose" I'll give you two pounds for these? 13 00:00:57,160 --> 00:00:59,240 The box set's empty though, Arthur. 14 00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:00,760 There's no DVDs in it. 15 00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:04,840 Then in that case, shall we say, one pound, fifty pence? 16 00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:06,280 Oh, all right. 17 00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:07,800 I'll settle up with you later. 18 00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:11,800 TO HIMSELF: Poor naive Eggy! 19 00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:13,920 Morning, Arthur. 20 00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:19,920 Arthur's in a huff. 21 00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:23,200 I did an interview last night and I didn't mention him. 22 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:26,760 Arts Today on Radio 4. They were asking me about my book. 23 00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:29,320 Order something! Stop talking to me! What's going on? 24 00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:32,000 - A cup of tea, please. - Don't do that again! 25 00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:36,320 Can't help feeling you're a bit peeved. 26 00:01:36,320 --> 00:01:39,280 Oh, did you hear something, Eggy? I thought I heard a noise! 27 00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:42,280 A sort of high-pitched, treacherous whining! 28 00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:44,600 I can only answer the questions I'm asked, Arthur. 29 00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:48,440 - They didn't bring you up! - There it was again! Did you hear it? 30 00:01:48,440 --> 00:01:50,640 It sounded like air escaping 31 00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:53,680 from an ungrateful, hairless balloon! 32 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:56,920 What else did you get, Eggy? I'm ignoring Michael... 33 00:01:56,920 --> 00:01:58,800 Ooh! There you are! 34 00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:00,640 BULENT GROWLS 35 00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:03,400 My mate says we can use the villa. 36 00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:06,440 Really! Oh, that's great! 37 00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:08,960 Ohhhh, ten days in Tuscany! 38 00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:10,680 Cradle of the Medici, 39 00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:14,080 - and we'll be in time for the Festival of the Ceni! - What's that? 40 00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:16,320 Three teams race each other up a mountain 41 00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:19,720 from the main square outside the Palazzo del Consiglio 42 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:21,720 to the Basilica of Sant'Ubaldo, 43 00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:24,000 each one carrying a statue of their saint 44 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:27,680 mounted on a wooden octagonal plinth! Ohh, heaven! 45 00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:31,240 Yeah. And it's going to be hot and there's a swimming pool! 46 00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:32,720 Oh, yeah... 47 00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:38,680 Ooh, it's a proper one, is that. There might be a genie in it. 48 00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:41,200 LAMP CLINKS 49 00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:45,120 No, don't want that. 50 00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:49,040 All right, Arthur, if it means you'll speak to me again, 51 00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:51,320 - I'll grant you three wishes. - Good idea! 52 00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:53,280 One for each time you betrayed me. 53 00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:55,080 How did I BETRAY you? 54 00:02:55,080 --> 00:02:57,360 Firstly, for not mentioning me, 55 00:02:57,360 --> 00:03:01,560 secondly, for not mentioning me again a bit later on 56 00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:04,840 and, thirdly, for not mentioning me at all. 57 00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:06,640 All right, hit me. Three wishes. 58 00:03:06,640 --> 00:03:09,120 And you can't wish for more wishes. 59 00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:11,880 I wish... 60 00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:14,280 I wish...for...for...some toast. 61 00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:16,840 I can do that. Next. 62 00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:19,120 Ooh, I should get tea to go with it. 63 00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:20,360 That's two. 64 00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:21,720 Don't waste them, Arthur! 65 00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:24,240 Ohhhh! You took advantage of me! 66 00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:25,880 I got over-excited! 67 00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:27,800 I wasn't ready! 68 00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:29,600 Sorry, Arthur, just one left. 69 00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:31,440 Tea and toast, please. 70 00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:33,800 - Oh, look at you. - I'm excited! 71 00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:35,120 Our first holiday together! 72 00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:38,560 Yes! We'll have ten days together! 73 00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:41,280 Aah, ten days. 74 00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:42,960 You'll have ten days in my company... 75 00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:46,600 ..with no interruptions. 76 00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:50,080 Just 24-hour Michael. 77 00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:52,480 All me, 78 00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:53,960 all day, 79 00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:55,240 every day. 80 00:03:57,200 --> 00:03:58,960 This voice, 81 00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:00,520 this face... 82 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:05,920 ..every...day. 83 00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:13,080 Hey, Arthur, look what I got at the car boot! 84 00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:15,840 Very nice! This is a concert one! 85 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:18,880 HE STRUMS GENTLY 86 00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:25,720 HE PLAYS FLUENTLY 87 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:30,680 APPLAUSE 88 00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:33,240 I didn't know you could do that! 89 00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:35,120 Oh, yes. I was in a band. 90 00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:36,720 - What? - Yep. 91 00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:38,200 You were in a band? When? 92 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:41,080 - Before I met your dad. - You never told me about this. 93 00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:45,560 No! It's private, and painful, and I don't like talking about it. 94 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:48,200 All right, shall I do it? 95 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:50,240 Everyone! Arthur's going to tell a story. 96 00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:53,560 All the kids were doing it. 97 00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:56,960 Messing about with guitars when we should have been doing our homework. 98 00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:01,560 After I left school, I was just the same. 99 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:05,880 I hooked up with some other blokes - John, George and, um, Ringo. 100 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:08,120 - Arthur... - What? 101 00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:10,480 - This is the Beatles. - No, it isn't. 102 00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:13,200 - You're getting mixed up with the Beatles. - Shush! 103 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:15,960 No-one had ever seen anything like it before. 104 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:17,240 It was mayhem. 105 00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:19,360 Everyone wanted a piece of us. 106 00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:21,440 Then, one day, we were playing a gig 107 00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:23,560 on the top of a roof...for some reason, 108 00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:27,880 and the tensions of the band came frothing to the surface, 109 00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:31,160 like a Steradent tablet in a glass of dentures. 110 00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:36,280 John was my best friend, but after he met Ono Yoko 111 00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:38,520 and I married Linda McCartney, 112 00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:42,000 the famous veterinarian, things were never the same. 113 00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:44,960 - Arthur... - Oh, hang a second, that's not right. 114 00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:47,720 That's you, that is, putting the Beatles in my head! 115 00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:49,560 We didn't break up on the rooftop. 116 00:05:49,560 --> 00:05:51,880 I can't remember where we broke up. 117 00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:53,200 Or why... 118 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:57,520 Mind you, that all feels as if it was 100 years ago, that. 119 00:05:57,520 --> 00:05:58,800 Imagine! 120 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:01,240 Where will I be 100 years from now? 121 00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:03,240 You won't be anywhere, Arthur. You'll be dead. 122 00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:05,600 - Long, long dead. - You're right, Birdie! 123 00:06:05,600 --> 00:06:08,520 I dunno, Arthur. You're healthy enough. 124 00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:12,040 You say that, Eggy, but death can come from any direction! 125 00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:14,000 Just the other day, a cow fell on me. 126 00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:16,960 A cow fell on you! What? 127 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:18,600 A cow just fell on you? 128 00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:20,560 Yes. I was in my pyjamas and... 129 00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:23,920 Wait, wait, wait...! You were in a field in your pyjamas? 130 00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:26,120 No! I wasn't in a field, I was at home. 131 00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:28,440 What would I be doing in a field in my pyjamas? 132 00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:32,480 - Where was the cow, then? - In my kitchen. 133 00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:34,080 What, it just wandered in? 134 00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:37,240 How could a cow wander into my kitchen?! 135 00:06:37,240 --> 00:06:38,840 I...I wouldn't stand for it! 136 00:06:38,840 --> 00:06:41,320 - Then how...? - It wasn't alive, Michael! 137 00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:44,360 Dear, oh, dear! I wouldn't have a live cow in my kitchen. 138 00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:46,400 That would be extremely unhygienic! 139 00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:51,680 - Why was there a dead cow in your kitchen? - I was butchering it 140 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:54,880 for Wilf at Taylor's Quality Meats in the High Street. 141 00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:57,560 He sometimes puts a bit of work my way when he's pushed. 142 00:06:57,560 --> 00:06:59,200 He lets me keep all the offal. 143 00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:01,880 You know how to butcher a cow? 144 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:03,240 Once the carcass is quartered 145 00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:05,440 and the legs are off, it's just common sense. 146 00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:08,960 Can someone else take over? I need to close my eyes. 147 00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:11,000 How did it fall on you, Arthur? 148 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:14,800 Oh, well, I usually hook the cows up to the clothes airer, 149 00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:18,080 but this was a big one and it pulled the fitting out of the ceiling. 150 00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:24,160 I was in there looking for a biscuit when it pinned me to the floor! 151 00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:27,640 Why do you keep biscuits in the same room as the clothes airer?! 152 00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:30,160 Actually, you know what, I went in again too soon... 153 00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:32,360 God, I'd hate a cow falling on me. 154 00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:35,560 Oh, it's INCREDIBLY annoying, Birdie. 155 00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:38,800 But just think, Michael, if the juices hadn't pooled 156 00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:43,960 and allowed me to slide out, it would have been curtains for me. 157 00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:46,400 Imagine that for an obituary! 158 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:47,960 "Beloved entertainer dies 159 00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:51,440 "while trying to retrieve biscuit from room with cow." 160 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:54,920 No, no, no, I can't have that. 161 00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:56,440 I've got things to do! 162 00:07:56,440 --> 00:07:58,240 Important things! 163 00:07:58,240 --> 00:07:59,720 I have to find John! 164 00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:01,080 If he exists. 165 00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:03,200 What's that "sussposed" to mean? 166 00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:05,800 When I interviewed you, you never mentioned a band. 167 00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:09,160 "I can only answer the questions I'm asked", Michael. 168 00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:11,320 All right, what happened to them, then? 169 00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:13,240 Yeah, Arthur, where are they all now? 170 00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:14,440 Well... 171 00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:17,720 News filtered back to me that John got shot in New York... 172 00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:22,040 Got shot in a shoe shop in York... 173 00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:27,160 Got a shot at a job in a shoe shop in York! 174 00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:31,640 But the last I heard, he'd put down roots in Sheffield. 175 00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:35,160 He was my best friend, and then, it was all over. 176 00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:37,480 I have to find out why. 177 00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:40,840 Genie! Third wish. Take me to Sheffield. 178 00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:44,720 - What? - You have to drive me to Sheffield! I have to find John! 179 00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:47,400 - Arthur, I'm not driving you to Sheffield! - Oh, come on. 180 00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:50,280 It's not as if you have anything better to do, is it? 181 00:08:53,560 --> 00:08:55,920 Oh, OK, I thought we were going to go for dinner, 182 00:08:55,920 --> 00:08:57,520 talk about the holiday. 183 00:08:57,520 --> 00:08:59,400 Oh, no, no, we will, it's just... 184 00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:01,560 Well, I'm a bit worried about Arthur. 185 00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:03,960 He doesn't seem to know what part of his story's true 186 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:07,160 and what part he saw in a Paul McCartney documentary. 187 00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:09,240 OK. 188 00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:10,400 Come on, then! 189 00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:12,400 But no, no, of course we will. 190 00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:14,440 It's just... I was just wondering, 191 00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:17,000 is it the right time of year for Tuscany? 192 00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:18,320 But, anyway, we'll talk... 193 00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:21,360 conversation...together...holiday... 194 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:24,120 plans...talking... It's all good. 195 00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:25,360 My order ready, Bulent? 196 00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:27,160 It's en route! 197 00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:29,360 You could do with some music in here, Bulent. 198 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:32,040 Brighten the place up a bit. Isn't that right, Eggy? 199 00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:33,280 A bit of music. 200 00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:36,880 Well, I think it's great the way it is, Birdie. 201 00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:40,320 Ah, you have them all filling their nappies at the thought of you. 202 00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:44,360 - This place could use some music. - Aaagh. 203 00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:47,320 Or are you afraid that we'll find out you have no taste? 204 00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:51,800 - I have taste! - Sure you do. Terrible taste. 205 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:55,440 You want music? I'll give you music! 206 00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:56,680 I'll install a CD system 207 00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:59,120 and play you the best music you've ever heard! 208 00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:01,360 - ASIDE: - Shall I get him to do something else? 209 00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:07,600 - SAT-NAV: - 'Continue for 500 yards.' 210 00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:10,400 What are you telling me for? You're driving. 211 00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:12,080 'And at the junction, turn right.' 212 00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:15,480 - What are you telling me that for? - It's the sat-nav! 213 00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:19,320 Sat-nav, eh? I've heard about that. 214 00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:23,200 They use, um, PMT co-ordinates. 215 00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:26,240 - How did I get into this?! - Oh, stop complaining, will you? 216 00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:29,440 Be good for you to get out of your crumpet zone for once. 217 00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:34,080 'In 300 yards, take the exit.' 218 00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:37,480 - Pardon? - It's not me! - Oh, yes, yes, of course. 219 00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:41,960 'You have arrived at your destination.' 220 00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:44,160 - I KNOW we have! - Stop talking to it! 221 00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:47,640 - GROANING: - Oh, thank God that's over...! 222 00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:51,600 Well, here we are. 223 00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:55,120 I don't think I can do this, Michael. 224 00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:56,760 I'm ever so nervous. 225 00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:00,320 I wish I could just go home. 226 00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:01,840 Sorry, Arthur. 227 00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:04,320 - HE RINGS DOORBELL - You're out of wishes. 228 00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:10,320 Hello, John. 229 00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:12,600 Ooof! 230 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:13,960 Arthur! 231 00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:15,760 You'd better come in. 232 00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:27,680 HE COUGHS 233 00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:32,480 Ooof! 234 00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:36,800 HE COUGHS 235 00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:41,000 Well, you two must have a lot to talk about 236 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:44,680 - so maybe I'll just wait outside? - That's not a bad idea. 237 00:11:44,680 --> 00:11:46,560 Now, you've a few options. 238 00:11:46,560 --> 00:11:49,160 You could go and sit upstairs on the edge of a bed 239 00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:51,680 or you can remain on the stairs themselves. 240 00:11:51,680 --> 00:11:55,240 - Mind you, that's a bit dangerous. - Maybe I'll just wait in the car. 241 00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:57,560 Oh, that's an option I didn't consider. 242 00:11:57,560 --> 00:12:00,960 Yes, you can tune in to Jeremy Vine and recline your seat, 243 00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:02,840 as long as there's no-one sat behind you. 244 00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:05,760 OK. I'm going now. 245 00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:13,240 Nice chair, John. 246 00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:15,680 Argos. Click And Collect. 247 00:12:15,680 --> 00:12:17,880 Is it leather, then? 248 00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:20,520 It's what's known as "folks" leather, Arthur. 249 00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:23,720 Do you know what "folks" leather is? 250 00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:26,400 Of course, I know what... "folks" leather is. 251 00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:29,440 - Ooof, sorry. Obviously touched a nerve, there. - No, you haven't. 252 00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:32,200 How would not knowing what "folks" leather was be a nerve? 253 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:34,360 It's not the sort of thing people get bothered by. 254 00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,720 You never know what's going to set someone off, Arthur. 255 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:40,800 My wife, Mary, has a panic attack if anyone opens a drawer too quickly. 256 00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:47,240 There was an occasion I needed me Swiss Army knife to prise a stone 257 00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:49,480 from the paw of a King Charles Spaniel 258 00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:51,640 that had wandered into the garden. 259 00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,240 I was in such a hurry, I forgot myself 260 00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:56,040 and pulled the drawer open terribly fast. 261 00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:58,680 Mary ended up having to sit down for five minutes. 262 00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:04,800 Now, what's this all about, Arthur? 263 00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:06,040 I'm sorry to hurry you, 264 00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:09,960 but Mary's got a foot spa filling up in the kitchen and I'm supervising. 265 00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:14,040 You kept it up, then? The music? 266 00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:17,120 Oh, yes, yes. I'm on the carvery circuit, now, yes, 267 00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:19,120 HE PLAYS A FEW CHORDS 268 00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:20,480 Yes, I do drop-in centres, 269 00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:22,920 sheltered accommodation, that sort of venue. 270 00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:25,000 I'm at the hospice on Tuesday. 271 00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:26,840 Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, John. 272 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:29,520 Well, you shouldn't be because they give me me petrol money. 273 00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:33,640 Mind you, it's just around the corner so it'll be about 42p. 274 00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:37,520 Oh, well, it all adds up. Do three of those a week and you're laughing. 275 00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:41,600 That's right, I am. What about you, Arthur? 276 00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:43,080 Have you given up music, then? 277 00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:45,280 I haven't played since the band split up. 278 00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:46,440 Ooof. 279 00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:48,960 - DEFENSIVELY: - And whose fault was that, Arthur? 280 00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:50,640 - I don't know. - Neither do I. 281 00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:53,320 That's why I'm here, John. 282 00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:55,280 I wanted to find out why the band broke up. 283 00:13:55,280 --> 00:13:57,640 I'll have to have a good think about that, Arthur. 284 00:13:57,640 --> 00:14:00,480 But now's not a good time. Where are you staying? 285 00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:04,120 We were going to go home tonight, but I can't go home not knowing. 286 00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:06,760 - Well, let's reconvene tomorrow. - DOOR CLOSES 287 00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:08,960 There's a B&B at the end of the road. 288 00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:10,800 It's your friend with the sad face. 289 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:15,440 Obviously, you didn't tune into Jeremy 290 00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:17,320 or you wouldn't be back so soon. 291 00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:18,680 Where did you end up standing? 292 00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:20,880 Just in the garden. It's a nice day. 293 00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:22,760 Verge or dead centre? 294 00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:25,040 Verge. 295 00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:26,680 Ooof. Controversial. 296 00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:31,120 Most would opt for the centre to avoid the breeze, 297 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:32,640 at the end of the bush. 298 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:38,560 - Listen, do have a think about the B&B. - B&B? 299 00:14:38,560 --> 00:14:42,280 Yes. It's getting late, but they might be able to accommodate you. 300 00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:44,400 What B&B? We're going home, aren't we? 301 00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:26,400 MICHAEL YELLS 302 00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:28,840 - Aw, what was that? - Ohhh, I'd just dropped off. 303 00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:30,280 What's going on? 304 00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:31,800 What? Something... 305 00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,440 Something fell on me! 306 00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:35,040 Really? From where? 307 00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:37,680 There must have been a bit of plaster or...or... 308 00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:39,240 a ceiling brick. 309 00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:40,920 Anyway, can't we just drop it? 310 00:15:40,920 --> 00:15:43,760 We're both up now, we might as well have a chat. 311 00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:48,320 - So, what's been happening with you, then? - Ohhh... 312 00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:50,320 I'll tell you what worrying me, Michael. 313 00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:54,360 I'm getting on very well with John. It's like the old days. 314 00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:57,840 I'm remembering now what a brilliant conversationalist he is. 315 00:15:57,840 --> 00:15:59,760 What's the problem? 316 00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:01,280 Well... 317 00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:04,200 we're trying to remember why the band split up. 318 00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:08,360 What if it was my fault? 319 00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:11,120 We might have gone on to do something, 320 00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:14,240 our lives could have been completely different. 321 00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:17,200 I'd hate it if I'd ruined our chances for myself, 322 00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:20,560 but it would be even worse if I'd ruined it for him. 323 00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:23,480 Well, then, don't try and remember it. 324 00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:27,200 Just...pick up where you left off. 325 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:29,840 Stop overthinking things. 326 00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:31,800 Thanks, Michael. 327 00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:33,520 That makes sense, that does. 328 00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:37,160 I wonder if that's what I'm doing. 329 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:43,080 You see, Sinem's asked me to go on holiday and I... 330 00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:45,040 ARTHUR SNORES 331 00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:51,440 What are you doing, John? 332 00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:55,400 I'm cleaning me keyboard with antibacterial spray. 333 00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:56,720 It's a bit of a ritual. 334 00:16:56,720 --> 00:17:00,520 Like a Samurai keeping his blade keen with a whetstone. 335 00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:03,640 It's also a hospice requirement. 336 00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:10,400 Do you ever think about what might have been, John? 337 00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:12,160 If we'd stuck together? 338 00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:14,840 Ooof! That was another life. Another time. 339 00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:16,080 I was wild then. 340 00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:17,760 - HE SPRAYS - We all were. 341 00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:20,000 Best to keep that in the past. 342 00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:22,400 Maybe we should get the band back together. 343 00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:23,760 That's a bit of a bombshell! 344 00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:25,920 It's not just about us, John. 345 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:28,480 It's about four young men and their dreams. 346 00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:30,640 Four? No, there were only three, Arthur. 347 00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:32,600 No, no, there were four of us. 348 00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:35,280 Us two, George and Ringo. 349 00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:40,080 Ooof, I think you're getting us mixed up with the Beatles, Arthur. 350 00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:42,040 I don't remember a "George". 351 00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:44,560 And Ringo passed away two years ago. 352 00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:46,760 Oh, that's a shame. 353 00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:49,040 So, it is only about just us. 354 00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:52,120 - That could be highly convenient. - It could. 355 00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:55,280 OK, then, let's give it a go! 356 00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:59,280 HE SPRAYS 357 00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:03,280 MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH IN MONTAGE 358 00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:28,320 HE PLAYS SYNTH NOTES ON KEYBOARD 359 00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:32,280 Hey, I feel we're moving in a Clannad direction. 360 00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:35,000 HE PLAYS SYNTH NOTES 361 00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:37,840 Does that...? Does that get the juices flowing? 362 00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:42,680 It does, John. It makes me think of vegetables. 363 00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:46,440 Oh, yes, I like it, I think we're on to something. 364 00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:49,160 What sort of vegetable? Potatoes? 365 00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:52,640 Oh, no, I don't want to be doing a song about potatoes. 366 00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:55,600 Well, there's nothing wrong with potatoes, Arthur. 367 00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:57,440 Mary and I are big fans, 368 00:18:57,440 --> 00:19:01,960 especially boiled ones with a bit of quiche and a side salad. 369 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,000 Nothing rhymes with them. 370 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,480 There's no romance to a potato. 371 00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:09,360 But there's plenty of dignity, Arthur. 372 00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:11,360 And there's not enough songs with them in. 373 00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:13,000 That's the point I'm making! 374 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:15,840 Name one good song about potatoes! 375 00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:19,360 There's only one to my knowledge - One Potato, Two Potato. 376 00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:25,720 - Exactly, exactly. - But it proves my point. There ought to be more. 377 00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:29,160 Listen. I'm not singing a song about sodding potatoes! 378 00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:33,360 Arthur, if you're going to insult Mary and I by disparaging potatoes, 379 00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:35,200 I'm going to have to ask you to leave. 380 00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:36,680 I'm happy to! 381 00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:40,000 Now I remember why we broke up! 382 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,760 Always vegetable-based disagreements! 383 00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:44,520 Right, I think we'll leave it there 384 00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:46,640 before you say anything else you regret. 385 00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:50,360 Don't worry, don't worry, I'm leaving. 386 00:19:50,360 --> 00:19:53,360 But, Arthur, it's getting late, where are you going to stay? 387 00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:09,280 - You know... - ARTHUR GRUMBLES 388 00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:11,480 I thought you were asleep. 389 00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:13,800 No, no, I was just....lying there. 390 00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:18,640 You know, Arthur, I was walking around Sheffield today 391 00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:22,640 and I ended up at the Industrial Museum alongside the river 392 00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:26,080 and it has England's largest surviving Bessemer converter. 393 00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:30,120 It's a steel-making process, now largely obsolete, 394 00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:32,000 in which carbon, silicon, 395 00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:37,240 and other impurities are removed from molten pig iron by oxidation 396 00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:40,440 - in a special tilting retort. - All right, all right, 397 00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:43,440 I know what a Bessemer converter is, thank you very much. 398 00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:49,800 I was looking at the rivets on its magnificent cauldron 399 00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:51,120 and I thought... 400 00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:57,240 ..I'm incredibly boring. 401 00:20:57,240 --> 00:20:59,720 You won't get any arguments this side of the bed. 402 00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:04,000 But Sinem seems to like me anyway. 403 00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:07,680 And if she likes me, 404 00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:09,440 maybe I'm not so boring after all. 405 00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:14,040 Maybe I'm just interesting in a different way. 406 00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:16,440 - SNORING - In a way that... 407 00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:30,040 Oh, well, never mind. We did our best. 408 00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:31,880 Thanks, though, Michael. 409 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:35,360 Oh, God, Arthur... 410 00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:39,240 Arthur, I think I've lost my wallet! 411 00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:44,400 Oh, no, I must have left it when I was paying for the room! 412 00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:45,920 All right, calm down. 413 00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:49,320 Just tell the landlord what's happened. He'll understand. 414 00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:51,840 He doesn't look like he'll understand. 415 00:21:59,120 --> 00:22:02,800 Don't worry, leave it to me. 416 00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:04,240 What are you doing? 417 00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:05,520 No, Arthur! 418 00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:09,760 Play the winner? 419 00:22:13,280 --> 00:22:15,480 Three ball, corner pocket. 420 00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:19,840 Or the middle pocket... 421 00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:21,880 The pocket on that side, ooh! 422 00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:31,040 Oooh! Sod it. 423 00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:49,080 HE SNORES 424 00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:52,440 This is the right end of the club, isn't it? 425 00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:54,040 It's called a cue. 426 00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:55,600 And it's still your shot, mate. 427 00:22:56,760 --> 00:23:00,320 How about we make things a bit more interesting. 428 00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:01,800 Sure, 20 quid? 429 00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:06,120 Oh, hardly worth getting out of bed for, make it 50. 430 00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:08,440 Yeah. 431 00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:13,960 Oh, dear, another great shot from you. 432 00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:16,280 Whatever am I going to do?! 433 00:23:18,040 --> 00:23:19,680 ALL LAUGH 434 00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:22,680 Mate, you're stripes. You shouldn't even be going for the other ones. 435 00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:24,000 CLATTERING 436 00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:25,280 Oh, dear. 437 00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:27,560 Double or quits? 438 00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:29,320 Don't worry, I'm good for it. 439 00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:31,600 I've got me money man over there. 440 00:23:34,360 --> 00:23:36,240 All right. 441 00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:41,680 - QUIETLY: - You do realise we have no money? 442 00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:44,400 Oh, no, whatever will we do?! 443 00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:48,600 You sure about this, mate? 444 00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:51,120 You're losing a lot of money. 445 00:23:51,120 --> 00:23:54,920 Boys, I'm just getting started. 446 00:23:56,880 --> 00:23:59,240 Run, Michael, run! 447 00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:00,880 You can't play at all! 448 00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:02,440 - MAN: - This way, come on. 449 00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:04,640 MEN SHOUT 450 00:24:07,120 --> 00:24:09,440 Well, that never happened in the film. 451 00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:14,080 - What film?... The Hustler? - He won in the film. 452 00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:17,840 He was bad at first, but when he put money on it, he was brilliant! 453 00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:19,960 He could play. 454 00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:21,520 He was hustling! 455 00:24:22,800 --> 00:24:24,040 Ah. 456 00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:26,560 Oh, right, I'm with you now! 457 00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:28,240 He could play! Of course! 458 00:24:28,240 --> 00:24:29,960 That's what it was about! 459 00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:33,360 - TO HIMSELF: - Thank God that's over. 460 00:24:33,360 --> 00:24:35,800 Good job for them they never caught us when we ran away. 461 00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:40,320 - I'd have shown them. - No, no, no. I don't do physical confrontation. 462 00:24:40,320 --> 00:24:45,680 My adrenaline goes to my mouth, my language gets very...flamboyant. 463 00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:49,040 I end up sounding like a dandy in a Restoration comedy. 464 00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:52,280 Where's my jacket? 465 00:24:52,280 --> 00:24:53,720 Where's my jacket?! 466 00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:56,000 Oh, God, I've left it in the pub! 467 00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:58,200 I've left my jacket in the pub! 468 00:24:58,200 --> 00:24:59,680 You have other jackets. 469 00:24:59,680 --> 00:25:03,440 No, it's got the keys in it. The keys are in the jacket. 470 00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:05,680 HE SIGHS 471 00:25:05,680 --> 00:25:08,320 We're going to have to go back. 472 00:25:08,320 --> 00:25:10,440 No, Michael, it's worse than that. 473 00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:14,480 YOU'RE going to have to go back. 474 00:25:14,480 --> 00:25:17,680 INDISTINCT CONVERSATION 475 00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:37,480 'Tis I! 476 00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:39,440 Fear ye not! 477 00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:40,960 I mean ye no ill will. 478 00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:46,720 I humbly ask that you permit me a small boon. 479 00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:47,960 What? 480 00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:49,720 I merely posit 481 00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:51,840 that you divest thyself 482 00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:53,360 of my... 483 00:25:53,360 --> 00:25:55,800 paltry rags. 484 00:25:57,760 --> 00:25:59,440 Could I have my jacket back, please. 485 00:25:59,440 --> 00:26:01,360 What about our winnings? 486 00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:05,280 Leave the kid alone! 487 00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:12,680 It's me you've got the beef with! 488 00:26:14,280 --> 00:26:18,400 Yes, and...and we're not leaving until you return my jacket! 489 00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:21,920 Mark me, sir! 490 00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:35,560 On the plus side, you're outside of your crumpet zone. 491 00:26:37,240 --> 00:26:40,600 Yes. I am definitely out of my crumpet zone. 492 00:26:43,040 --> 00:26:45,440 GROOVY MUSIC PLAYS 493 00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:48,120 Listen to this bit! Listen to this bit! 494 00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:51,000 Is this Jethro Tull? 495 00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:53,200 I wasn't expecting that. 496 00:26:54,360 --> 00:26:57,200 Turn that music off! Please. 497 00:26:57,200 --> 00:26:58,480 - John! - Hello, Arthur. 498 00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:01,360 - I couldn't leave it like we did. - You're right, John. 499 00:27:01,360 --> 00:27:03,520 We have too much history, 500 00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:08,000 even if neither of us can remember exactly what that is. 501 00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:09,520 I've written a song, Arthur, 502 00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:11,240 which doesn't mention potatoes 503 00:27:11,240 --> 00:27:13,760 and I was wondering if you would do me the honour 504 00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:15,920 of helping me perform it. 505 00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:19,160 - Count me in, John. - What, before I've even taught you the song? 506 00:27:21,080 --> 00:27:23,440 # Life is like a salad bar 507 00:27:23,440 --> 00:27:25,920 # You only get one visit 508 00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:28,280 # Take your bowl and follow me 509 00:27:28,280 --> 00:27:30,240 # I'll be your guiding spirit 510 00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:32,800 - BOTH: - # Life is like a salad bar 511 00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:35,440 # Look hard or you'll miss it 512 00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:37,720 # Life is like a salad bar 513 00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:39,920 - # Or... # - PLAYS DRUMPADS ON KEYBOARD 514 00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:41,600 # Or is it? 515 00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:45,320 # Live your life as I would 516 00:27:45,320 --> 00:27:47,280 # By your own nose be guided 517 00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:49,760 # But go easy on the onions 518 00:27:49,760 --> 00:27:52,080 # And use the tongs provided... # 519 00:27:52,080 --> 00:27:53,680 INSTRUMENTAL BRIDGE 520 00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:56,960 Sinem, I will go on holiday. 521 00:27:56,960 --> 00:27:59,640 Well, I know. We already said we would. 522 00:27:59,640 --> 00:28:01,880 Well, then, that's still the case. 523 00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:04,480 - Right. - Right. 524 00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:05,960 KEY CHANGES UP 525 00:28:05,960 --> 00:28:08,400 # Oh, life is like a salad bar 526 00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:11,080 # You only get one visit 527 00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:13,280 # Take your bowls and follow me 528 00:28:13,280 --> 00:28:15,600 # I'll be your guiding spirit 529 00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:18,360 # Life is like a salad bar 530 00:28:18,360 --> 00:28:20,600 # With no potatoes in it 531 00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:23,800 # Life is like a salad bar... # 532 00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:25,960 - HE PLAYS DRUMPADS ON KEYBOARD - # Or is it? # 533 00:28:25,960 --> 00:28:28,480 - ARTHUR PLAYS DRUMPADS - You're too late, Arthur. 534 00:28:29,880 --> 00:28:33,840 - You had your chance and you blew it. - Oh, sorry, mate. - Well, never mind.