- What, here? - Yes, on the...chair.
The only chair.
This one?
Yes, the chair there.
The only unoccupied chair.
Do you want me sitting down on it, or do you want me standing up?
Sit down. Sit down on the chair!
Could you say your name, please?
Thank you. Could you say your name, please?
Oh, yes. No problems there.
Go on, then.
Is that it?
No! No! Sit down!
I'm sorry about that again.
Just tell us your name! Just tell us it.
My name, of course.
Arthur Strong, Count Arthur Strong.
And the name of your agent?
Ah, I'm currently between agents.
There's a funny story there, actually.
My original agent was Captain Johnny Resnip.
They called him Captain because when he was in the army...
leading to the death of all the men under his command.
My second agent, was Larry Trafalgar,
- of Larry Trafalgar Associates. - Look, just eat the toffee.
Eat the toffee and say, "It's delicious".
MUFFLED: It's delicious.
Well, that was a bloody waste of time.
Oh, did you not get the ad, Arthur?
I don't want to talk about it.
Does it sound like I got the sodding ad, John?!
- Hey, we got a postcard. - We did? How?
Who's friends with both of us?
- Think about it. - I give up. - Oh, for pity's sake, Arthur!
He's been gone less than a week and you've forgotten about him already.
- Who? - Brian. - Brian?!
Brian? What?! No! Michael! His name's Michael!
You know what I mean. One of those type of names.
You can't just say type of name, you have to say the exact name,
or the whole...
system breaks down.
Michael? Which Michael?
You do this on purpose! Michael! Michael and Sinem!
Well, there's lots of Michaels around, isn't there?
Especially these days. There's Michael Parkinson, erm...
Er... Erm... Er...
Erm...
That's him stopped talking now. It's their first holiday together.
It's a big moment. "Just arrived, it's so hot, ha-ha!
"Be good while Mum and Dad are away."
Be good! That's for me.
Sinem thinks this whole place will fall into the sea as soon
- as she's not around. - I tell you what, Birdie.
Michael looked like he needed a holiday after
he agreed to hold my foot steady at the chiropodist.
You, you, you'd think that she was the big brother
and I was the little sister! Ha! That's a laughmate!
Laughmate?! Does he think that's one word?
That's not one word, Bulent.
Laugh...mate, that's two words.
I know it's two words.
Oh, yes, Bulent, speaking of, erm... erm, earth...worms.
Have you considered my proposals, which also contains, erm...words?
I'm not going to move the beans from four onto three.
It's the right move, Bulent!
- That's not what three's about! - I think Arthur's got a point.
More people telling me how to run my cafe.
- You don't want the menu to go stagnant. - Stagnant?!
You're homeless!
Love of cuisine doesn't need a home, Bulent. It just needs...
- A mouth or something. - Exactly. A mouth or something.
So, come on, you. Spill the beans. Tell us about the audition.
Oh...
Well, the interview went very well.
There was no problems there.
But then they brought in this little sod that kept grabbing
all the toffees.
His mum said, "It's what was written in the script".
And the director took her side.
I tell you, Birdie,
I sometimes think I'm getting nowhere with my life.
Nothing works out for me. Even the acting.
And as you know, of all my talents,
acting is where I truly blossom!
I hate to admit to professional envy,
but when I see how my contemporaries are doing, it really gets me down.
You know, your Tom Cruises, erm... Your Russell Crowes...
Erm, your Bennerdip Cumbersnatches.
Um, Cumbersmacks.
Er... Um, Benzedrine Humbersmacks.
Hendremaine Bunderstyle.
I know who you mean, Arthur.
No, no, no. I want to get it right. It's annoying me now.
Um... Er, Benedrict Cummerbund.
Um... Er... Benedict Tumblebunch.
Um, Humberland Cumberland.
Erm, no, Bendydick Hungergames.
Um, sodding...Sherlock Holmes!
Hey, now that Sinem's away, I thought that we might...
What? Oh, no, Bulent.
- What? - We're not getting another game going. - Why not?
- Last time was a great success. - You take it too seriously, Bulent.
And anyway, Sinem says you're not allowed to play poker.
Come on, while the cat's away, eh?
Not that I'm a mouse and she's a cat.
I mean, mice are scared of cats, but I'm not scared of Sinem.
Me, scared of Sinem? Ha! That's a laugh...mate.
Arthur! Arthur!
Arthur! I got here as quick as I could.
I just spoke to Ronnie Conway.
He said there's this place on the high street where they're
giving away free biscuits.
What?
I was going down there now to see if he's right.
Free biscuits? Free biscuits, you say?
Can it be true?
Ronnie says they asked him a few questions
and he had loads of biscuits. Didn't have to pay for one!
They must be fools to give away biscuits!
- I know. - Ooh! Free biscuits!
It's like I'm dreaming!
You're not dreaming, Arthur. You're wide awake.
They won't be able to stop me if I get going with biscuits.
I once ate so many pink wafers, I was sick on Father Christmas.
That's how I lost that job in Selfridges.
- Come on! Come on! - Wait a minute, wait a minute! Don't be so hasty.
- How many do you think they're giving away? - I don't know.
Why? What are you thinking?
Just run with me here a moment.
What if they were giving thousands away? We could open a little shop.
- A shop? - Yes. A biscuit shop. Why not?
You can work behind the counter and I could meet
and greet the customers.
We could use the profits to buy more biscuits. Oh, what am I saying?
I've got too overexcited. Oh! Oh!
Oh, what are we doing?
We're wasting time!
So, what brought you in here?
Well, I've heard very favourable reports from a number of sources.
- Oh! Have you? - I have, Karl.
So I thought I'd pop along myself and sample your wares, so to speak.
OK, that's great to hear. Ready to make a start?
I literally can't wait to get started.
Good. Well, the first thing...
Can I just ask - what sort of quantity are we talking about?
- Quantity? - Yes.
You see, I'm asking on behalf of a foolish friend of mine,
who had the ridiculous notion that the quantity might be of shop
opening proportions.
We're not talking those sort of numbers, are we?
- I don't think I fully... - No, of course not.
Of course not. I'll tell him to not be so stupid.
What are they today?
- What are what? - The biscuits.
Is there a biscuit of the day, for example?
I'm not sure what the biscuits are.
The tea and biscuits usually follow the personality test.
Personality test?
- Yes, that's why you're here. - Is it?
Isn't it?
Oh, yes! The personality test.
- Yes, oh, yes. I've got you now. - OK.
So, shall we begin?
These won't give me an electric shock if I tell a lie, will they?
- No, no, no. It's just to give us an E-reading. - Oh, of course.
- An E-reading. - OK. First question.
- Have you ever told a lie? - No.
Argh!
Ooh! Ooh!
What...?
What is it?
I thought they gave me an electric shock.
No, I told you. It DOESN'T give you an electric shock.
Can I have a biscuit now?
No.
No. OK. Second question.
Are you a practising homosexual?
Not to my knowledge.
- Have you committed a selfish act? - No. Argh!
It is not a lie detector. It doesn't give you a shock.
- It just gives an E-reading. - Of course, of course.
An E-reading.
OK.
Do you sometimes make thoughtless and hurtful remarks to friends?
Yes.
Uh-huh.
Do other people tend to annoy you?
Yes.
- Do you accept criticism gracefully? - Yes. NO!
Give them to me.
Look, I am a woman. I have no head.
I live under the sea.
You see? Not a lie detector.
No electric shock.
All right.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm all right now.
Are you a greedy person?
No.
So, essentially, OT-1 follows OT Eligibility.
EP or End Phenomena results in an awareness of oneself
in relation to other beings.
Now, OT-1, OT...
OT-1 is a solo-audited level
and the beginning of a Clear's
journey towards OT-8, the highest spiritual level.
Tell me more.
- Sounds like you're interested. - I'm very interested, Karl.
OK. Well, welcome on board.
Um...
On an unrelated matter,
is there anywhere I can be sick?
HE CHUCKLES
- You signed up with them? - I did, Eggy.
They made some very persuasive pink wafers. Um, points.
But Arthur, they believe in some strange stuff.
No offence, Eggy, but you think Hitler's still alive.
I'll see how it goes with them.
Karl said it would change my life if I became a seismologist.
Um...
They're very influential.
They've got their testicles everywhere.
But if I don't see results soon, I'm out.
Ooh, what a... What a terrible hand(!)
Still, I think I might play, just for the laugh. Raise!
- Fold. - Fold.
Fold.
Raise.
- All in! - Call!
- Kings! - Aces!
Ha-ha!
What the hell?! How can you have aces when I have kings?!
What the hell kind of a hand is that? You're having a laughmate!
Doesn't that sound like one word?
All right, Matthew. Don't you worry. You just get better.
- Rufus, I'm really sorry, but no luck. - Oh, you are kidding!
Albert Thornhill has sciatica, Wilf Crabshaw's had a fall,
- Bert Marshall has irritable bowel syndrome. - Ben! Ben!
We are paying for this studio by the minute,
- so just tell me where we are. - We're off the list.
There's only one name left. I know you told me to forget him,
but I don't think we have any choice.
- You are kidding. - It is for the overseas markets.
Maybe once it's dubbed, it won't be so bad.
Ng-ng-ng.
Don't you ever lose?
Two pair, good hand.
Everyone, I'm opening the cafe for business!
Opening for business?
I've got to get to work!
Oh, I had a text from a friend who wants to sit in,
if there's any spaces tonight.
Yes, that's fine, as long as they have the money.
- We start playing at 6pm sharp. - OK. Bye.
- Bye. - Bye. - Ta-ta.
- God, this is going to run for days. - We open in five minutes.
I'm looking for an Arthur Strong. I heard he sometimes comes here.
Oh, I know him. You were at the audition.
Yes, sorry, but we're really desperate.
Every other actor on our list has either died or is seriously ill.
You're the only option we have left.
Well, that's very flattering!
- But you have to come now. - Oh, of course.
Of course. I'd best go.
Here, Eggy, this'll be down to the gynaecologists!
Lead on!
- Bulent, are you not going to try and get some sleep? - Sleep?! I'm a man!
Men don't need to sleep!
Argh!
- Where have you been? - Sorry.
- He insisted on going home to change. - Hello! Hello! Charmed. Charmed.
- Hello, Arthur. Thank you for doing this. - Oh, it's no trouble.
No trouble at all. I understand how these things work.
Erm, I presume my new friends, the scientists, put in a word.
- What? - Oh, and I must say, I'm glad you saw it my way
and removed our little friend from the equation.
Quite unprofessional.
- I've never seen such unbridled arrogance. - Tommy?
He's five years old. And no, he's still in the ad.
Well, let's work together and see how we can minimise the damage.
Look, the ad hasn't changed, all right?
So, once again, you are a kindly old grandfather,
he is your cheeky, mischievous, young grandson.
All you have to do is reach for a toffee, but he keeps stealing them.
Mm.
Yes?
I'm not sure I agree with your interpretation of the text, Rufus.
- Right. - Move.
I think people will want to see ME eating the toffees.
I should at least get one.
Otherwise, how will people know they're edible?
- We're not changing the ad. - Just reassure me, Rufus.
I will get a toffee, if I want one.
I'm sorry. But that is a deal breaker.
You'll get a toffee.
First biscuits, now toffees.
And all because I've become a urologist!
- Hello, Tommy. Are you ready to go? - Yes. - All right.
I've just got to go and check something
and then we'll get started.
Hello.
Good evening, everybody!
Deal me in, please, John.
I'm getting more chips.
He has a problem.
- He shouldn't be playing poker. - Oh, we don't play that often.
He has to get it out of his system somehow.
Every year, he loses all his money and every year,
we figure out ways of giving it back to him.
All that trash talk as well.
Not very graceful in his manners.
That's why we always make him wait before we give him his money back.
Last year, we had the use of his car for two days!
- It was a lovely weekend that, wasn't it, Eggy? - Oh, it was.
OK, you suckers. I've got my mojo back.
Ha-ha-ha! Lo-o-osers!
How was your ad, Arthur?
Eggy, take my word. You have to become a zoologist.
Been going great for me, ever since I signed up with them.
MOBILE RINGS
Hello. Security.
No, it's very quiet.
OK. Bye-bye.
- So it went well, then? - Very well, yes.
Although my co-star continued to be an absolute nightmare!
We were all sat there waiting and Arthur says...
- Michael, you are still talking about Arthur. - Am I?
- No, it's just a funny story. - You're constantly talking about him.
You make it sound like I've got a mental problem.
You have some sort of problem. And you're not going to be able
to enjoy this holiday until you admit it.
ITALIAN TV ON
ARTHUR DUBBED IN ITALIAN
- Sinem? - Yeah.
I have a problem.
You never heard of a pooper scooper?
CAR HORN
Mate! Mate! Get out of the road!
Mate, get out of the road! It was a joke!
Get out of the road! There's cars coming, bruv!
- Get out of the road! - Please, get out of the road!
HORN BEEPS
Mate, get out of the road!
HORN BEEPS
Mate! Get out of the road!
CAR HORN
'Things have been going great for me,
'ever since I became a climatologist.'
APPLAUSE
When I used to watch Flash Gordon, as a little boy,
I remember thinking - wouldn't it be amazing
if all this rubbish was true?
Well, tonight,
I want to thank you for making one little boy's dream become a reality.
Live long and prosper.
No, no, it's fine. We've just broken for lunch.
What?
Say that again.
They want more?!
You're kidding!
With Arthur?
Ng-ng-ng.
Arthur, what are you wearing?
I have to look the part, now I'm an ambassador for the geologists.
Well, I sus-pose the Americans have Tom Cruise,
and the British side of the operation has me.
Yes. You never know, we might do a film together.
Where he's a secret agent and I'm a streetwise hacker.
Well, be careful, Arthur.
It's not like you to be so...whatever you are at the moment.
Damn it! I couldn't get any more money out.
- I reached my limit. - Just call, Bulent. You have enough. - No!
I want to raise. My hand is good enough.
But you don't have any money.
- Just call me. - No, I tell you, my hand is gold! I want to raise!
- But you don't have any money. - I bet something! Anything!
What? What are you going to bet?
'Tea, please, Arthur.'
Oh, this is even better than a biscuit shop, eh?
Fried food on tap.
And they want me to do another toffee ad.
There you are.
1.90, please, Eggy.
Thanking you.
Bulent, table five needs a wipe.
Come on, get a shift on. I've got a business to run.
Oh, actually, while you're here, um,
I'd like a quick word about the revised menu.
Now, listen carefully, Bulent.
The beans you would normally have on four, I would like to put on three.
Obviously, the follow on from that would mean that the
fried bread has to go on five.
Which would mean we have to create a new number for all
the knocked-on ingredients.
This number, I would like to call six.
Which I'm sure would also prove to be a popular seller.
So, action that, would you?
Because I want to go and have a lovely little lie down.
Traditional London welcome.
You all right?
Yes, just wondering what kind of a mess I'm coming back to.
Hey!
Oh, wow!
The place looks great.
Hello, Michael. How was it?
Oh, it was really, really good.
Yeah, properly forgot about everything. Proper holiday.
Thanks to that woman there.
Who, me?
No.
- So? How was it? - Good, good. Very good.
There's just one thing.
HE YAWNS
Have you peeled those potatoes, Bulent?
Arthur owns the cafe.
Sinem, you're back!
What's happening?
Can everyone else see what I can see?
Welcome back, Michael!
Can anyone else see what Arthur looks like?
Oh, it's been quite a week for me!
Everything's been going great.
- I've been getting acting jobs, I can't lose at poker. - Poker?!
Don't shout at me!
- And now, I own the cafe! - What?
Yep. And it's all because of mythology.
Um, erm...pathology.
Sociology.
- What is it I'm in again? ALL: - Scientology.
Oh, that's right.
You're a scientologist?! I've been away for a week!
Arthur, don't you know about scientology?
Haven't you heard what they're about? All the documentaries?
I don't need documentaries.
All I know is all the world thought I was useless up until now, eh?
Since I joined the seismologists, well, I think
the results speak for themselves.
Don't worry, I'll try to remain down to earth.
You're wearing a giant medal!
They've got you wearing a polo neck.
You look like you're about to announce the new iPhone.
I put this together myself.
Yeah, it's what you're sus-posed to wear.
Anywhere, must run along. Got a little acting job waiting for me.
Oh, Arthur, don't fall in with that lot. Please!
Rufus, how marvellous to be working with you again!
- Have you lost weight? - Hello, Arthur.
Get you in the chair, we'll go for a rehearsal.
Actually, I thought I might try something different today.
- Display my versatility. - No. No, Arthur, no.
No, for some reasons, the Italians thought the first ad was hilarious.
So luckily for you, we won't need an actor. Just need you to be yourself.
A cranky, greedy, old man.
No.
Thanks though, Tommy.
I pocketed about 20 on the way to the set.
You all right?
You seem to have lost that...urologist's glow.
I don't know what I was thinking, Michael.
I've just made a fool of myself.
Wasn't scientology that gave me all this.
It was just a streak of luck I was on.
- I'll tell you what it was... - Arthur?
- Yeah? - Give Bulent his cafe back.
Oh, OK.
Thank you.
I'll tell you what, it was greed that brought me to this sorry state.
Greed for biscuits, greed for money, greed for toffees.
Beware greed, Michael. For greed never rests until it is satisfied.
And greed is never satisfied.
It is the... Hang on.
Hey, this is chocolate!
MUFFLED: Oh, sorry. Did you want some?
It's fine. I'm getting something to eat.
- What can I get you? - Oh, that's new.
I'll have a number six, please, Bulent.
I told you it'd do well.