1
00:00:00,934 --> 00:00:03,534
*

2
00:00:08,234 --> 00:00:11,334
* you won't admit you love me *

3
00:00:11,334 --> 00:00:12,968
* and so *

4
00:00:12,968 --> 00:00:15,601
* how am i ever *

5
00:00:15,601 --> 00:00:17,534
* to know? *

6
00:00:17,534 --> 00:00:20,334
* you always tell me *

7
00:00:20,334 --> 00:00:23,634
* perhaps, perhaps, perhaps *

8
00:00:24,734 --> 00:00:25,734
* perhaps *

9
00:00:26,968 --> 00:00:27,968
* perhaps *

10
00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:30,734
* perhaps *

11
00:00:51,367 --> 00:00:54,100
so, come on,
what's she like?

12
00:00:55,834 --> 00:00:59,467
Shapely.
Shapely's good.

13
00:00:59,467 --> 00:01:01,334
She's in the same train
as you every morning,

14
00:01:01,334 --> 00:01:02,467
and she's shapely.

15
00:01:02,467 --> 00:01:06,934
It's like Ursula andress
and Pamela Anderson

16
00:01:06,934 --> 00:01:08,434
had a baby.

17
00:01:08,434 --> 00:01:12,934
The words "long shot"
somehow suggest themselves.

18
00:01:12,934 --> 00:01:14,534
Premium shapely--

19
00:01:14,534 --> 00:01:16,767
top-level, quality shapely.

20
00:01:16,767 --> 00:01:19,067
Nothing wrong
with shapely.

21
00:01:19,067 --> 00:01:21,934
And long.

22
00:01:21,934 --> 00:01:23,634
Long?

23
00:01:23,634 --> 00:01:26,200
Usually with a red shoe.

24
00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:28,200
So, long, shapely,
with a red shoe?

25
00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:29,267
Yeah.

26
00:01:29,267 --> 00:01:30,767
Jeff?

27
00:01:30,767 --> 00:01:33,234
Are you describing a leg?

28
00:01:35,033 --> 00:01:36,801
I've only seen her leg.

29
00:01:38,300 --> 00:01:41,067
She gets on the train
with a whole bunch of people,

30
00:01:41,067 --> 00:01:42,601
and i never see her face.

31
00:01:42,601 --> 00:01:46,634
And then she sits diagonally
in front of me.

32
00:01:46,634 --> 00:01:49,234
I can only see her leg.

33
00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:52,200
You've fallen in love
with just a leg?

34
00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:54,701
It's a great leg.

35
00:01:54,701 --> 00:01:56,033
You haven't seen this leg.

36
00:01:56,033 --> 00:01:57,334
Left or right?

37
00:01:59,868 --> 00:02:01,167
What?

38
00:02:01,167 --> 00:02:03,000
It's a leg--
what else is there to ask?

39
00:02:04,234 --> 00:02:05,234
Left.

40
00:02:05,234 --> 00:02:07,767
Nice.

41
00:02:09,467 --> 00:02:10,601
And brunette.

42
00:02:13,901 --> 00:02:15,200
Brunette?

43
00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:18,267
I saw the back
of her head once.

44
00:02:18,267 --> 00:02:19,567
How was it?

45
00:02:19,567 --> 00:02:21,534
Pert.

46
00:02:22,534 --> 00:02:24,501
She has a pert head?

47
00:02:24,501 --> 00:02:25,734
From the back.

48
00:02:25,734 --> 00:02:27,667
Okay, there's one thing
i don't get here.

49
00:02:27,667 --> 00:02:28,934
What?

50
00:02:28,934 --> 00:02:30,801
You've seen this woman
on the train,

51
00:02:30,801 --> 00:02:32,334
and you find her attractive,
right?

52
00:02:32,334 --> 00:02:33,601
Yeah.

53
00:02:33,601 --> 00:02:36,067
And you haven't had sex
with her?
No.

54
00:02:36,067 --> 00:02:38,367
You see my problem?

55
00:02:38,367 --> 00:02:40,934
Let me explain, Patrick.

56
00:02:40,934 --> 00:02:43,734
Here, on earth,
there is a gap between

57
00:02:43,734 --> 00:02:46,000
seeing someone you like
and having sex with them

58
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:49,100
that we like to call
"conversation."

59
00:02:49,100 --> 00:02:52,601
In Jeff's case, it can last
for up to ten years.

60
00:02:54,067 --> 00:02:55,634
Are you saying
i don't converse?

61
00:02:55,634 --> 00:02:57,234
I converse.
I talk to women.

62
00:02:57,234 --> 00:02:58,801
Well, do the women talk, too?

63
00:02:58,801 --> 00:03:00,934
Well, they must do.

64
00:03:02,834 --> 00:03:04,834
Do you know
what she's like?

65
00:03:04,834 --> 00:03:09,300
It's as if you took
Naomi Campbell
and Jenny agutter,

66
00:03:09,300 --> 00:03:13,434
and mixed them up in a big bowl
with davina McCall's bottom.

67
00:03:15,434 --> 00:03:17,200
Is it any wonder
i love her?

68
00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:18,801
You don't love her.

69
00:03:18,801 --> 00:03:20,067
You haven't seen
her bottom.

70
00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:22,100
Yeah, you haven't--

71
00:03:22,100 --> 00:03:23,567
what?

72
00:03:23,567 --> 00:03:25,834
You haven't seen the woman
on the train's bottom,

73
00:03:25,834 --> 00:03:28,934
so how do you <i>know</i>
it's like davina McCall's?

74
00:03:28,934 --> 00:03:33,734
Ah, but i haven't seen
davina McCall's bottom either.

75
00:03:33,734 --> 00:03:38,067
I added davina's bottom
to the Campbell-agutter mix

76
00:03:38,067 --> 00:03:40,367
to lend an air of enigma.

77
00:03:40,367 --> 00:03:42,834
Davina does have
an enigmatic bottom.

78
00:03:42,834 --> 00:03:44,767
Is it lush, is it pert?

79
00:03:44,767 --> 00:03:46,868
Unh! The mystery continues.

80
00:03:48,501 --> 00:03:51,534
But you've only seen her leg
and the back of her head.

81
00:03:51,534 --> 00:03:53,300
You haven't even seen her face.

82
00:03:53,300 --> 00:03:57,968
When you're in love, you can
see past not seeing stuff.

83
00:03:57,968 --> 00:04:00,000
You can't call it "love" yet.

84
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:02,801
Otherwise, what do you call it
when you get to know

85
00:04:02,801 --> 00:04:05,868
the front of her head
as well as you know the back?

86
00:04:05,868 --> 00:04:07,834
"Breakfast"?

87
00:04:09,501 --> 00:04:13,067
You've been seeing him
two whole weeks?

88
00:04:13,067 --> 00:04:15,033
That's broken
your previous commitment record.

89
00:04:15,033 --> 00:04:16,868
Which was?

90
00:04:16,868 --> 00:04:18,400
Breakfast?

91
00:04:20,033 --> 00:04:22,868
Liam bryson.
It's a good name, i like it.

92
00:04:22,868 --> 00:04:25,400
And he's a doctor.
You get extra points for that.

93
00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:26,434
What kind of doctor?

94
00:04:26,434 --> 00:04:28,000
A surgeon.

95
00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:30,634
Not a gynecologist?
No.

96
00:04:30,634 --> 00:04:32,534
I've always wanted
to date a gynecologist.

97
00:04:32,534 --> 00:04:34,734
I want to <i>know</i> I'm special.

98
00:04:37,467 --> 00:04:39,734
But is it love,
or just the other thing?

99
00:04:39,734 --> 00:04:41,000
Definitely love.

100
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:42,968
How do you know
it's not just great sex?

101
00:04:42,968 --> 00:04:44,501
You're here.

102
00:04:45,934 --> 00:04:49,100
Maybe it's both.
Tell us more.

103
00:04:49,100 --> 00:04:53,734
Well, he's significantly taller
than my last two boyfriends,

104
00:04:53,734 --> 00:04:56,667
and he doesn't have a wife
or a prison record.

105
00:04:56,667 --> 00:04:58,868
I'm so proud of you.

106
00:04:58,868 --> 00:05:01,133
He's kind and considerate,

107
00:05:01,133 --> 00:05:03,767
but i still want
to have sex with him!

108
00:05:03,767 --> 00:05:05,634
What's he look like?

109
00:05:06,667 --> 00:05:08,501
Oh, is that what's wrong
with him?

110
00:05:08,501 --> 00:05:10,100
Oh.

111
00:05:11,100 --> 00:05:14,000
As a matter of fact,
he's gorgeous.

112
00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:15,601
How gorgeous?

113
00:05:15,601 --> 00:05:17,934
Okay, i didn't want
to have to say this,

114
00:05:17,934 --> 00:05:21,033
i didn't want to boast but...
Knitting pattern.

115
00:05:21,033 --> 00:05:22,801
( both gasp )

116
00:05:22,801 --> 00:05:26,334
knitting pattern guy has come
to life, qualified as a doctor,

117
00:05:26,334 --> 00:05:27,901
and asked <i>you</i> out?

118
00:05:27,901 --> 00:05:31,267
My prayers are answered,
and he missed me by one woman.

119
00:05:31,267 --> 00:05:33,701
You can put away
your knitting needles--

120
00:05:33,701 --> 00:05:35,934
he's out, and he's mine.

121
00:05:35,934 --> 00:05:37,467
Right.

122
00:05:37,467 --> 00:05:39,100
So, what's wrong
with him?

123
00:05:39,100 --> 00:05:40,834
Nothing's wrong with him.

124
00:05:42,067 --> 00:05:44,701
Nothing at all.
He's wonderful.

125
00:05:48,601 --> 00:05:50,801
Nothing, nothing, nothing!
Good.
Great.

126
00:05:50,801 --> 00:05:53,033
Much.
Ah.
Ah.

127
00:05:53,033 --> 00:05:54,567
It's not worth
bothering you with.

128
00:05:54,567 --> 00:05:55,567
It's not a bother.

129
00:05:55,567 --> 00:05:56,968
We're your friends.

130
00:05:56,968 --> 00:06:00,300
We <i>want</i> to know what's wrong
with your handsome boyfriend.

131
00:06:00,300 --> 00:06:02,701
It's just--it's...

132
00:06:02,701 --> 00:06:06,400
It's just a stupid, tiny,
insignificant, little thing.

133
00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:09,434
Oh, that's the worst!

134
00:06:10,634 --> 00:06:13,501
I was talking
about the problem, Jane.

135
00:06:13,501 --> 00:06:16,734
Does he pick his teeth?
Does he drink too much?

136
00:06:16,734 --> 00:06:18,501
Does he move house
without telling you?

137
00:06:18,501 --> 00:06:20,133
That's the one <i>i</i> hate.

138
00:06:20,133 --> 00:06:22,367
Why are you two
so interested?

139
00:06:22,367 --> 00:06:24,667
You guys are just jealous
'cause I've got someone.

140
00:06:24,667 --> 00:06:26,567
Ehh ehh ehh--
I've got someone, too.

141
00:06:26,567 --> 00:06:28,367
Why would i be jealous?
Yeah.

142
00:06:28,367 --> 00:06:30,334
And I'm being stalked, actually,

143
00:06:30,334 --> 00:06:32,868
so I'm pretty secure
in my attractiveness.

144
00:06:33,901 --> 00:06:35,300
You're being stalked?

145
00:06:35,300 --> 00:06:38,033
Is that so hard to believe?
My God!

146
00:06:38,033 --> 00:06:40,801
Every day on my way home
from work, a man follows me.

147
00:06:40,801 --> 00:06:42,901
It's true.
Have you been
to the police?

148
00:06:42,901 --> 00:06:45,067
They said i was just being
silly and paranoid.

149
00:06:45,067 --> 00:06:47,400
I heard them laughing
after i left.
How terrible.

150
00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:49,667
Well, have you confronted
the man who follows you?

151
00:06:49,667 --> 00:06:51,300
Well, there's no point,
is there?

152
00:06:51,300 --> 00:06:53,434
I mean, it's never
the same man twice.

153
00:06:55,501 --> 00:06:58,934
Sometimes they switch over
when I'm halfway home.

154
00:06:58,934 --> 00:07:00,601
It's so well-organized.

155
00:07:02,234 --> 00:07:04,000
Okay, returning
from planet Jane,

156
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:05,767
largely because I'm scared,

157
00:07:05,767 --> 00:07:08,100
what's the problem
with your boyfriend?

158
00:07:08,100 --> 00:07:09,868
It's not a big problem.

159
00:07:09,868 --> 00:07:11,267
Tiny, little character flaw.

160
00:07:11,267 --> 00:07:13,300
I can kind of forgive
him for it,

161
00:07:13,300 --> 00:07:15,734
but sometimes
i kind of can't, you know?

162
00:07:15,734 --> 00:07:17,367
Absolutely.
Been there.

163
00:07:17,367 --> 00:07:18,701
What does he do?

164
00:07:18,701 --> 00:07:20,567
Okay, sometimes--

165
00:07:20,567 --> 00:07:23,868
actually, all of the time,
and it's so irritating--

166
00:07:23,868 --> 00:07:27,167
what?
I can't stop criticizing him!

167
00:07:27,167 --> 00:07:29,601
Honestly, it's driving me
up the wall!

168
00:07:29,601 --> 00:07:33,133
Uh, if you're criticizing him,
isn't that your fault?

169
00:07:33,133 --> 00:07:35,634
Oh, that's right,
take his side.

170
00:07:36,634 --> 00:07:38,567
Why do you
criticize him?

171
00:07:38,567 --> 00:07:40,167
He's a man.

172
00:07:40,167 --> 00:07:44,767
He's a whole, exciting buffet
of improvability.

173
00:07:44,767 --> 00:07:48,400
I hardly know where to start--
hair, clothes, his mother.

174
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:50,968
You shouldn't try to change men,
because they don't like it.

175
00:07:50,968 --> 00:07:53,434
Then what's the point
in having one?

176
00:07:54,868 --> 00:07:56,400
Sally, for once in your life,

177
00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:58,634
why not appreciate a man
for what he is,

178
00:07:58,634 --> 00:08:00,501
not what you can make him into?

179
00:08:00,501 --> 00:08:03,367
I'm going to do that.
Of course I'm going to do that.

180
00:08:03,367 --> 00:08:05,567
Good.
So, when can we meet him?

181
00:08:05,567 --> 00:08:07,534
When he's finished.

182
00:08:09,367 --> 00:08:14,467
Okay, what about next Tuesday
after work?

183
00:08:14,467 --> 00:08:16,234
Mm-hmm.
That's fine by me.

184
00:08:16,234 --> 00:08:18,767
Steve's free, I'm sure
we can get a hold of Patrick--

185
00:08:18,767 --> 00:08:19,901
the boys will be there?

186
00:08:19,901 --> 00:08:21,767
Liam can't meet that lot.

187
00:08:21,767 --> 00:08:24,267
What if they talk about sex?
What if?

188
00:08:24,267 --> 00:08:26,234
What if Liam
tells them about me?

189
00:08:26,234 --> 00:08:29,667
I can't stay friends with men
who know what I'm like in bed.

190
00:08:29,667 --> 00:08:31,334
I'd have to kill them.

191
00:08:31,334 --> 00:08:33,501
Right, so you're saying
you've killed every man

192
00:08:33,501 --> 00:08:35,100
you've ever been to bed with?

193
00:08:35,100 --> 00:08:39,300
Oh, i thought
they just stopped phoning.

194
00:09:06,801 --> 00:09:09,868
Sorry, excuse me.

195
00:09:09,868 --> 00:09:12,467
Oh, excuse me,
is there room for me there?

196
00:09:12,467 --> 00:09:13,968
Um, yeah.

197
00:09:17,334 --> 00:09:20,200
Look, there's a seat
back there, I'll move.

198
00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:22,234
Oh. Oh, no, are you sure?

199
00:09:22,234 --> 00:09:23,734
Yeah, there's more room.

200
00:09:23,734 --> 00:09:25,400
Oh, thanks.

201
00:09:34,868 --> 00:09:37,133
Oh, sorry.

202
00:09:37,133 --> 00:09:41,100
( thinking )
<i>okay, this is it Jeff,</i>
<i>look at her.</i>

203
00:09:41,100 --> 00:09:43,767
<i> Ust look at her,</i>
<i>you can do it.</i>

204
00:09:46,667 --> 00:09:50,801
<i> H, i was right,</i>
<i>she's gorgeous!</i>

205
00:09:58,601 --> 00:10:00,467
Sorry.

206
00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:02,100
Is something wrong?

207
00:10:02,100 --> 00:10:04,200
No, no, nothing.

208
00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:05,701
Um--

209
00:10:05,701 --> 00:10:09,801
<i>say something sensible,</i>
<i>say something sensible.</i>

210
00:10:09,801 --> 00:10:13,234
You--you look just like
the back of your head.

211
00:10:14,501 --> 00:10:21,334
No! I-I'm sorry.
I mean, it's just, what i--

212
00:10:21,334 --> 00:10:23,200
are you all right?

213
00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:25,767
I'm fine, yeah,
I'm great, thanks.

214
00:10:25,767 --> 00:10:28,334
It's just that I've always
seen you sitting over there,

215
00:10:28,334 --> 00:10:30,868
and i could only see
the back of your head.

216
00:10:30,868 --> 00:10:33,934
Oh, okay.

217
00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:36,834
But the front's just as good.

218
00:10:36,834 --> 00:10:40,334
Better, in fact,
because you've got a face.

219
00:10:41,868 --> 00:10:44,100
And I'm not just saying that.

220
00:10:45,167 --> 00:10:47,067
Well, thanks.

221
00:10:48,667 --> 00:10:50,534
And--and you've got a leg.

222
00:10:51,968 --> 00:10:55,033
Uh, i mean...another leg.

223
00:10:55,033 --> 00:10:56,534
What?

224
00:10:56,534 --> 00:10:57,868
<i> On't panic.</i>

225
00:10:57,868 --> 00:10:59,267
<i> Eep it sensible.</i>

226
00:10:59,267 --> 00:11:00,868
<i> Oncentrate.</i>

227
00:11:00,868 --> 00:11:02,767
I'm just saying it--it's great

228
00:11:02,767 --> 00:11:05,367
to see your legs together
for once.

229
00:11:05,367 --> 00:11:07,968
Uh, no, no!

230
00:11:07,968 --> 00:11:13,234
What i meant was, normally,
i enjoy your legs separately.

231
00:11:14,534 --> 00:11:16,934
Well, one of your legs anyway.

232
00:11:16,934 --> 00:11:19,434
It was sitting over there

233
00:11:19,434 --> 00:11:20,968
with the rest of you, so,

234
00:11:20,968 --> 00:11:24,667
obviously, you'd know that.

235
00:11:24,667 --> 00:11:27,133
But--but i could only
see the left one.

236
00:11:27,133 --> 00:11:29,801
Okay.

237
00:11:29,801 --> 00:11:32,367
( exhales loudly )

238
00:11:32,367 --> 00:11:35,367
but, you know, it's great
to see them both here.

239
00:11:35,367 --> 00:11:38,801
Well, that's good, huh?

240
00:11:38,801 --> 00:11:41,601
I'm not saying
i preferred them separately.

241
00:11:41,601 --> 00:11:43,868
You know, they're better
together. I can see that.

242
00:11:43,868 --> 00:11:46,767
They're, well,
they're like a leg team.

243
00:11:46,767 --> 00:11:49,467
Good.

244
00:11:49,467 --> 00:11:52,067
Believe me, I'm not trying
to part your legs.

245
00:11:53,667 --> 00:11:55,367
No, no, uh...

246
00:11:55,367 --> 00:11:58,634
Not "part" in the sense of,
you know, um--

247
00:11:58,634 --> 00:12:00,501
i mean, i don' want to--

248
00:12:00,501 --> 00:12:01,868
what?

249
00:12:01,868 --> 00:12:04,567
Amputate one.

250
00:12:06,701 --> 00:12:07,834
I'm sorry?

251
00:12:07,834 --> 00:12:11,667
I'm not one of these amputators.

252
00:12:11,667 --> 00:12:14,300
<i> Mputators?!</i>

253
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:16,133
Amputators?

254
00:12:16,133 --> 00:12:18,734
Yeah, in case you were worrying.

255
00:12:18,734 --> 00:12:21,734
I'm not one.

256
00:12:21,734 --> 00:12:23,601
What do you mean "amputators"?

257
00:12:23,601 --> 00:12:25,267
Well...

258
00:12:25,267 --> 00:12:27,567
What are you talking
about amputating for?

259
00:12:27,567 --> 00:12:31,400
I'm sorry. It's on my mind.

260
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:32,434
Why?

261
00:12:32,434 --> 00:12:33,734
Well...

262
00:12:33,734 --> 00:12:36,100
<i> Xplain--tell her</i>
<i>you just got lost,</i>

263
00:12:36,100 --> 00:12:38,434
<i>tell her the truth.</i>

264
00:12:38,434 --> 00:12:41,067
Because...
<i> He truth, for once!</i>

265
00:12:41,067 --> 00:12:43,000
<i> On't tell a stupid lie!</i>

266
00:12:45,734 --> 00:12:47,300
I got a wooden leg.

267
00:12:50,300 --> 00:12:53,501
Oh. Oh, no. Really?

268
00:12:53,501 --> 00:12:56,667
Yes, i had
one of my legs amputated.

269
00:12:56,667 --> 00:12:59,100
But never mind, eh?

270
00:12:59,100 --> 00:13:02,234
I'm so sorry.

271
00:13:02,234 --> 00:13:04,400
Well, no wonder
it's on your mind.

272
00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:05,601
It's not a problem.

273
00:13:05,601 --> 00:13:10,100
Really. Easy come, easy go.

274
00:13:10,100 --> 00:13:12,300
Which one?

275
00:13:12,300 --> 00:13:13,601
I'm sorry?

276
00:13:13,601 --> 00:13:16,000
Which leg did you
have amputated?

277
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:17,000
Um--

278
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:18,734
<i>think, think!</i>

279
00:13:18,734 --> 00:13:20,667
<i> Hy can't i think?</i>

280
00:13:20,667 --> 00:13:24,234
Sorry, it was
such a long time ago.

281
00:13:24,234 --> 00:13:26,100
What?

282
00:13:26,100 --> 00:13:28,934
The left one.
It was the left.

283
00:13:28,934 --> 00:13:30,734
What was wrong with it?

284
00:13:30,734 --> 00:13:33,634
Um...

285
00:13:35,601 --> 00:13:39,434
Well, it--it was rubbish.

286
00:13:39,434 --> 00:13:41,367
Rubbish?

287
00:13:41,367 --> 00:13:46,767
I had a--a leg...illness.

288
00:13:51,634 --> 00:13:54,300
Why do you get so nervous?

289
00:13:54,300 --> 00:13:56,234
Is it because of your leg?

290
00:13:56,234 --> 00:13:59,467
Yeah, it--it's my leg's fault.

291
00:13:59,467 --> 00:14:01,667
Are you scared
of what people will think?

292
00:14:01,667 --> 00:14:05,167
I--I'm always scared
of what people will think.

293
00:14:05,167 --> 00:14:08,367
Well, you want to know
what i think?
What?

294
00:14:08,367 --> 00:14:13,400
I have a little bit
of experience with disability,

295
00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:14,834
and i think...

296
00:14:14,834 --> 00:14:17,934
You're very, very brave.

297
00:14:19,367 --> 00:14:20,767
Oh, good.

298
00:14:27,901 --> 00:14:29,534
Hi, darling.

299
00:14:29,534 --> 00:14:31,067
Sorry I'm late.

300
00:14:31,067 --> 00:14:33,634
Davina McCall's ass--
pert or lush?

301
00:14:33,634 --> 00:14:38,100
Or, to put it another way,
"hello."

302
00:14:38,100 --> 00:14:39,734
So, is Sally here yet?

303
00:14:39,734 --> 00:14:42,000
'Cause she's gonna drop by
with her new bloke.

304
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:43,534
What, the surgeon guy?
Yeah.

305
00:14:43,534 --> 00:14:45,033
Sally's going out
with a surgeon?

306
00:14:45,033 --> 00:14:46,200
Is that Jeff?

307
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:47,601
Steve: Of course it's Jeff.

308
00:14:47,601 --> 00:14:49,367
Susan:
What do you mean "of course"?

309
00:14:49,367 --> 00:14:50,534
He's with a woman.

310
00:14:50,534 --> 00:14:51,801
That's practically
a disguise!

311
00:14:51,801 --> 00:14:52,834
Shh!

312
00:14:52,834 --> 00:14:56,801
Well, this is nice.

313
00:14:56,801 --> 00:14:59,100
It's brilliant!

314
00:14:59,100 --> 00:15:02,767
Do you know what would be
even nicer?

315
00:15:04,767 --> 00:15:06,367
Well, um--

316
00:15:06,367 --> 00:15:08,367
in case you
haven't been counting,

317
00:15:08,367 --> 00:15:11,067
this is the third time
we've been out.

318
00:15:11,067 --> 00:15:14,267
Oh, right. Third time, eh?

319
00:15:14,267 --> 00:15:15,334
Definitely.

320
00:15:15,334 --> 00:15:17,033
I've been enjoying myself
so much

321
00:15:17,033 --> 00:15:19,200
it doesn't feel like
three times already.

322
00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:21,400
Feels more like...

323
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:23,667
Twice.

324
00:15:23,667 --> 00:15:26,934
Well, doesn't time fly?

325
00:15:26,934 --> 00:15:30,968
And we're not even <i>really</i>
enjoying ourselves yet.

326
00:15:31,968 --> 00:15:34,033
Um...yeah.

327
00:15:34,033 --> 00:15:39,434
Before we do
any more <i>enjoying,</i>

328
00:15:39,434 --> 00:15:42,434
there's something
I'd probably better mention.

329
00:15:42,434 --> 00:15:44,701
Is this about your leg?

330
00:15:44,701 --> 00:15:47,234
Yeah, it's pretty much
about my leg.

331
00:15:48,767 --> 00:15:50,467
Listen, I've told you,

332
00:15:50,467 --> 00:15:53,801
i <i>keep on</i> telling you,
it doesn't bother me.

333
00:15:53,801 --> 00:15:58,767
In fact, one of the first things
that Drew me to you was--

334
00:15:58,767 --> 00:16:00,767
you're someone
who's had to be brave.

335
00:16:02,701 --> 00:16:05,767
Oh, uh, it was--it was nothing.

336
00:16:06,934 --> 00:16:09,000
Losing your leg was nothing?

337
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:11,667
Well, what's a leg?

338
00:16:11,667 --> 00:16:15,434
There's
plenty more legs in...

339
00:16:15,434 --> 00:16:18,334
The Sea...

340
00:16:18,334 --> 00:16:19,934
Of legs.

341
00:16:19,934 --> 00:16:22,200
The leg Sea.

342
00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:24,334
That's not an actual place.

343
00:16:24,334 --> 00:16:25,834
No.

344
00:16:25,834 --> 00:16:27,868
You know what's sweet?

345
00:16:27,868 --> 00:16:30,000
You never tried to impress me.

346
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,534
You have no idea
the kind of rubbish men say

347
00:16:32,534 --> 00:16:34,067
just to get me into bed.

348
00:16:34,067 --> 00:16:35,767
Probably got
a bit of an idea.

349
00:16:36,901 --> 00:16:38,968
The lies I've been told.

350
00:16:38,968 --> 00:16:40,701
Lies. Those are bad.

351
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:46,934
Oh, listen, i have to go
and talk to someone, okay?

352
00:16:51,601 --> 00:16:53,367
Mmm. Stay hot.

353
00:17:03,033 --> 00:17:07,033
So? She's gorgeous
and you're definitely in.

354
00:17:08,234 --> 00:17:10,367
What's the problem
this time?

355
00:17:11,901 --> 00:17:14,000
This is the worst one ever!

356
00:17:16,133 --> 00:17:20,834
I--i--i can't even
talk about it!

357
00:17:20,834 --> 00:17:23,100
Jeff, Jeff.

358
00:17:23,100 --> 00:17:30,133
I know about the giggle loop,
the sock gap, the nudity buffer,

359
00:17:30,133 --> 00:17:33,167
and what you said
to Audrey watkins.

360
00:17:33,167 --> 00:17:36,234
Believe me, there is <i>nothing</i>
you can possibly say

361
00:17:36,234 --> 00:17:37,801
that will surprise me.

362
00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:40,968
What's gone wrong this time?

363
00:17:40,968 --> 00:17:43,601
I've got too many legs.

364
00:17:46,634 --> 00:17:49,467
I'm glad we chose
that jacket.

365
00:17:49,467 --> 00:17:51,968
It really sorts out
your shoulders.

366
00:17:51,968 --> 00:17:54,200
What's wrong
with my shoulders?

367
00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:55,534
You've got loppy shoulders.

368
00:17:55,534 --> 00:17:57,200
And now they're symmetrical.

369
00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:58,501
What?

370
00:17:58,501 --> 00:18:00,334
Of course,
now your head's a bit small.

371
00:18:00,334 --> 00:18:01,567
Try to emphasize your head.

372
00:18:01,567 --> 00:18:03,868
Oh, I've got a small head now.

373
00:18:03,868 --> 00:18:07,000
I'm not saying it's small, Liam.

374
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,701
I'm just saying try
to remind people it's there.

375
00:18:09,701 --> 00:18:12,167
It's not small.

376
00:18:12,167 --> 00:18:13,167
Of course it isn't.

377
00:18:13,167 --> 00:18:14,634
It's discreet.

378
00:18:14,634 --> 00:18:18,234
Which is lucky, because it's
the tiniest bit off-center.

379
00:18:19,701 --> 00:18:21,634
Now, remember,
don't keep on about your work.

380
00:18:21,634 --> 00:18:23,534
People don't want to hear
all the gory details--

381
00:18:23,534 --> 00:18:24,534
i know, i know.

382
00:18:24,534 --> 00:18:26,467
And no sex talk with the boys.

383
00:18:26,467 --> 00:18:28,100
You said--four times.

384
00:18:28,100 --> 00:18:30,100
Once with your foot
on my neck.

385
00:18:35,267 --> 00:18:39,234
So, on your first meeting
with this woman,

386
00:18:39,234 --> 00:18:42,767
you accidentally told her
you have...

387
00:18:42,767 --> 00:18:44,467
One leg.

388
00:18:46,434 --> 00:18:48,400
It's perfect, isn't it?

389
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:51,400
This is the curse
of Jeff murdoch.

390
00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:53,601
I meet the woman of my dreams,

391
00:18:53,601 --> 00:18:56,300
and i can't take
my trousers off.

392
00:19:01,701 --> 00:19:03,601
Think you're gonna have to.

393
00:19:05,567 --> 00:19:07,234
But what about my legs?

394
00:19:07,234 --> 00:19:09,934
Well, she's bound
to count them eventually.

395
00:19:09,934 --> 00:19:11,534
Steve.

396
00:19:11,534 --> 00:19:12,934
Well, if it's any help,

397
00:19:12,934 --> 00:19:16,067
Sally's new boyfriend
is a surgeon.

398
00:19:19,267 --> 00:19:22,067
On the other hand,
you could just tell her.

399
00:19:22,067 --> 00:19:24,901
I think that might be better.

400
00:19:27,067 --> 00:19:28,100
And this is Steve.

401
00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:29,167
Steve, this is Liam.

402
00:19:29,167 --> 00:19:30,701
Hi. Heard a lot about you.

403
00:19:30,701 --> 00:19:32,334
Good to meet you.

404
00:19:32,334 --> 00:19:35,167
Right, everybody,
I'm getting so tired of this.

405
00:19:35,167 --> 00:19:37,300
I'm being stalked again.

406
00:19:37,300 --> 00:19:38,968
And this is Jane.

407
00:19:38,968 --> 00:19:40,667
Try to remain calm.

408
00:19:40,667 --> 00:19:43,968
There was a guy sitting
on a bench, reading a newspaper,
and stalking me.

409
00:19:43,968 --> 00:19:48,801
Jane, how can you be stalked
by someone who isn't moving,

410
00:19:48,801 --> 00:19:50,400
or, in fact, <i>looking</i> at you?

411
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:53,968
Okay, maybe he was just ugly.

412
00:19:53,968 --> 00:19:56,067
But that's bad, too.

413
00:19:56,067 --> 00:19:58,601
Oh, hello.
Hi.

414
00:19:58,601 --> 00:20:00,901
You two know each other?

415
00:20:00,901 --> 00:20:02,968
Of course.

416
00:20:02,968 --> 00:20:04,834
Uh, is this your new boyfriend?

417
00:20:04,834 --> 00:20:06,868
Can i have a quick word
with you, please?

418
00:20:06,868 --> 00:20:08,133
But--
over here, please.

419
00:20:08,133 --> 00:20:09,167
But you said--

420
00:20:11,567 --> 00:20:14,133
buy you said your boyfriend
was a surgeon.

421
00:20:14,133 --> 00:20:15,934
He works
in that general area, yes.

422
00:20:15,934 --> 00:20:19,133
He works in my street.
He's a butcher!

423
00:20:22,534 --> 00:20:24,200
He was demoted.

424
00:20:25,634 --> 00:20:28,167
Jeff, I've got some people
i want you to meet.

425
00:20:28,167 --> 00:20:29,167
No. Chrissie, listen.

426
00:20:29,167 --> 00:20:30,434
It'll only take a minute.

427
00:20:30,434 --> 00:20:32,000
Chrissie, please.

428
00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:34,734
It's about my leg.

429
00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:36,467
What about it?

430
00:20:36,467 --> 00:20:40,133
I think it's...

431
00:20:40,133 --> 00:20:41,834
Improving.

432
00:20:45,968 --> 00:20:48,767
What <i>are</i> you on about?

433
00:20:48,767 --> 00:20:51,334
Come on, i really want you
to meet these people.

434
00:20:51,334 --> 00:20:52,534
It's a surprise.

435
00:20:52,534 --> 00:20:55,200
Chrissie, i need
to explain something.

436
00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:57,234
Explain in a minute.
David--

437
00:20:57,234 --> 00:21:01,467
hi, you must be Jeff.

438
00:21:01,467 --> 00:21:04,801
This is David.
He's my brother.

439
00:21:04,801 --> 00:21:07,934
He's the best guy
in the whole wide world,

440
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:09,801
and he's my absolute hero.

441
00:21:09,801 --> 00:21:12,067
And he's come here tonight
just to meet you.

442
00:21:12,067 --> 00:21:15,167
Great, fantastic. Hi.

443
00:21:15,167 --> 00:21:18,100
Listen, i really need
to talk to you.

444
00:21:18,100 --> 00:21:21,501
Yeah, well i especially wanted
you to talk to him.

445
00:21:21,501 --> 00:21:23,267
Tell him why, David.
Chrissie--

446
00:21:23,267 --> 00:21:24,434
i lost a leg, too.

447
00:21:28,634 --> 00:21:31,701
I lost my right leg
in a car crash five years ago.

448
00:21:32,934 --> 00:21:34,901
See, you remember when
i told you

449
00:21:34,901 --> 00:21:36,701
i had experience
with disability?

450
00:21:36,701 --> 00:21:38,734
Well, this is him.

451
00:21:38,734 --> 00:21:41,334
I know exactly what
David's been through.

452
00:21:42,634 --> 00:21:45,133
So, i know exactly what
you've been through, too, Jeff.

453
00:21:46,467 --> 00:21:47,467
Oh...

454
00:21:48,701 --> 00:21:52,200
You're my two brave boys.

455
00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:55,367
Oh, I'm not <i>really</i> that brave.

456
00:21:55,367 --> 00:21:58,234
I'm sorry, i should have
told you about David before.

457
00:21:58,234 --> 00:21:59,434
I know.

458
00:21:59,434 --> 00:22:01,467
Um--
i just didn't want you to feel,

459
00:22:01,467 --> 00:22:02,467
well, pressured.

460
00:22:02,467 --> 00:22:04,801
Listen, before this goes
any further.

461
00:22:04,801 --> 00:22:07,334
Hang on a moment, Jeff,
one more thing.

462
00:22:08,434 --> 00:22:09,868
Meet the guys.

463
00:22:09,868 --> 00:22:11,100
All: Hi, Jeff.

464
00:22:12,968 --> 00:22:16,868
This is our little disability
support group.

465
00:22:16,868 --> 00:22:22,467
We've got amputees,
we've got the lot.

466
00:22:22,467 --> 00:22:24,267
Normally we meet
along the road,

467
00:22:24,267 --> 00:22:28,701
but, tonight, we wanted
to come here and meet you.

468
00:22:28,701 --> 00:22:32,367
Chrissie told me you
were having some problems.

469
00:22:32,367 --> 00:22:34,334
Great.

470
00:22:34,334 --> 00:22:36,868
Everybody,
give a big welcome to Jeff--

471
00:22:36,868 --> 00:22:39,567
a brave, brave man.

472
00:22:42,234 --> 00:22:44,801
So, not a surgeon, then?

473
00:22:44,801 --> 00:22:46,634
I didn't want to say
he was a butcher.

474
00:22:46,634 --> 00:22:48,067
People would make butcher jokes.

475
00:22:48,067 --> 00:22:51,167
I don't want to be the butt
of a lot of butcher jokes.

476
00:22:51,167 --> 00:22:53,334
What are butcher jokes?

477
00:22:53,334 --> 00:22:56,667
I don't know, but I'm sure
they're out there.

478
00:22:58,200 --> 00:23:00,601
They better not be talking
about sex.

479
00:23:00,601 --> 00:23:02,701
So, how did you meet Sally?

480
00:23:02,701 --> 00:23:03,767
Uh, just at work.

481
00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:06,267
At work?

482
00:23:06,267 --> 00:23:07,968
She's one of my regulars.

483
00:23:11,167 --> 00:23:12,734
Your regulars?

484
00:23:12,734 --> 00:23:14,033
It's not serious,
is it?

485
00:23:14,033 --> 00:23:16,300
Well, we're getting on
pretty well i think.

486
00:23:16,300 --> 00:23:18,400
Yeah, but Sally's all right?

487
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:20,000
Yeah, she's great.

488
00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:21,167
Fine.

489
00:23:21,167 --> 00:23:22,434
Terrific.

490
00:23:22,434 --> 00:23:24,467
Anyway, i thought to myself,
"she looks nice,

491
00:23:24,467 --> 00:23:26,868
let's put her straight
to the front of the queue."

492
00:23:29,033 --> 00:23:31,934
Are you really
supposed to do that?

493
00:23:31,934 --> 00:23:33,767
Who cares?

494
00:23:33,767 --> 00:23:36,300
So, love at first sight, then?

495
00:23:36,300 --> 00:23:38,100
Well, almost first sight.

496
00:23:38,100 --> 00:23:40,400
I had to sort her out first.

497
00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:43,200
What do you mean
"sort her out" exactly?

498
00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:46,267
Do you mean
in your professional capacity?

499
00:23:46,267 --> 00:23:48,767
Well, you know how it goes--
a few choice cuts,

500
00:23:48,767 --> 00:23:50,667
and you've got the woman
of your dreams.

501
00:23:55,634 --> 00:23:56,968
Really?

502
00:23:56,968 --> 00:23:59,000
That's handy.

503
00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:01,067
Is it strictly ethical?

504
00:24:01,067 --> 00:24:02,634
You've got to sort out
your regulars.

505
00:24:02,634 --> 00:24:04,367
You should send Susan
to me sometime.

506
00:24:08,734 --> 00:24:10,267
What did you have in mind?

507
00:24:10,267 --> 00:24:12,334
What do you mean?
What's your speciality?

508
00:24:12,334 --> 00:24:15,634
I've got a new secretary,
and she could do with some help.

509
00:24:15,634 --> 00:24:19,367
Ah, definitely rump.

510
00:24:19,367 --> 00:24:21,601
Nice.

511
00:24:21,601 --> 00:24:24,033
Good one.

512
00:24:24,033 --> 00:24:27,267
They could be over there
talking about sex. About me.

513
00:24:27,267 --> 00:24:31,133
Sally, you can't keep lying
about your boyfriends.

514
00:24:31,133 --> 00:24:33,467
But i can't end up
with a butcher.

515
00:24:33,467 --> 00:24:36,400
Have you seen butcher's wives?
They're gigantic!

516
00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:38,434
I'll develop a deep,
booming laugh

517
00:24:38,434 --> 00:24:40,267
and rows and rows
of extra breasts.

518
00:24:40,267 --> 00:24:42,167
I can't let that happen to me!

519
00:24:42,167 --> 00:24:45,467
So, what kind of prosthetic
do you have, Jeff?

520
00:24:45,467 --> 00:24:48,133
Uh--

521
00:24:48,133 --> 00:24:49,634
um--

522
00:24:49,634 --> 00:24:53,033
i think it was a...

523
00:24:53,033 --> 00:24:54,767
Footmatic.

524
00:24:56,601 --> 00:24:59,334
Can i just borrow
mr. Sex here for a moment?

525
00:24:59,334 --> 00:25:01,501
Sure, yeah.
A footmatic?

526
00:25:01,501 --> 00:25:03,200
It's very new.

527
00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:07,067
Listen, my flat mate's
just got back--jeanie.

528
00:25:08,701 --> 00:25:11,367
Give her a wave.

529
00:25:11,367 --> 00:25:13,067
She thinks you're cute, too.

530
00:25:13,067 --> 00:25:15,100
Anyway, I've got
to go home with her.

531
00:25:15,100 --> 00:25:17,467
She needs me to help her out
with something.

532
00:25:17,467 --> 00:25:19,033
Do you want to come, too,

533
00:25:19,033 --> 00:25:23,067
or do you want to stay
and talk to your new friends?

534
00:25:23,067 --> 00:25:26,868
Listen, i don't want
to sway you,

535
00:25:26,868 --> 00:25:29,200
but this could be
your lucky night.

536
00:25:34,767 --> 00:25:38,000
Uh, well maybe we should
just take things a bit--

537
00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:39,534
slower.

538
00:25:39,534 --> 00:25:41,534
Relationship-wise.

539
00:25:41,534 --> 00:25:44,534
Oh, relationship-wise, yeah,
we should take things very slow.

540
00:25:44,534 --> 00:25:45,901
Good, yeah.

541
00:25:45,901 --> 00:25:49,100
But let's get stuck right
into the rampant sex, shall we?

542
00:25:49,100 --> 00:25:50,701
That's much easier.

543
00:25:50,701 --> 00:25:55,734
Yeah, yeah, uh, obviously.

544
00:25:55,734 --> 00:26:00,901
But--but you need to help
your flat mate tonight.

545
00:26:00,901 --> 00:26:03,567
Oh, no.
Don't worry about that.

546
00:26:03,567 --> 00:26:06,033
She's the manager
of a lingerie firm.

547
00:26:06,033 --> 00:26:09,167
She just likes us
to try out all the new lines.

548
00:26:09,167 --> 00:26:12,868
You know, we just prance
around the flat all night
in naughty underwear.

549
00:26:12,868 --> 00:26:15,901
You're very welcome
to come and watch.

550
00:26:15,901 --> 00:26:18,100
Would you like to?

551
00:26:20,467 --> 00:26:23,033
Uh, well,
i don't know, you know.

552
00:26:23,033 --> 00:26:24,267
Um--

553
00:26:24,267 --> 00:26:26,801
I'll tell you what.

554
00:26:26,801 --> 00:26:29,000
Here's the key to my flat.

555
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:33,334
Jeanie and i will head back now,
and if you want to,

556
00:26:33,334 --> 00:26:36,367
you can join us later.

557
00:26:36,367 --> 00:26:38,367
We'll try not to start
without you.

558
00:26:41,634 --> 00:26:44,767
Jeff? Jeff, are you crying?

559
00:26:44,767 --> 00:26:45,801
No.

560
00:26:47,767 --> 00:26:50,267
No, I'm just really excited

561
00:26:50,267 --> 00:26:54,601
about all the underwear
and rampant sex.

562
00:26:54,601 --> 00:26:57,367
Oh, darling.

563
00:26:57,367 --> 00:27:01,767
Starting tonight, that's
gonna be your whole life.

564
00:27:19,367 --> 00:27:22,000
You bastard!

565
00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:26,601
You evil, evil bastard!

566
00:27:32,267 --> 00:27:34,834
Are you Sally's boyfriend?
Yes.

567
00:27:34,834 --> 00:27:37,667
Do you do legs?
Well, yeah.

568
00:27:38,834 --> 00:27:40,634
How much for just the left one?

569
00:27:42,801 --> 00:27:45,734
I'm serious, you'd be doing me
a favor! Take my leg!

570
00:27:45,734 --> 00:27:46,734
Okay.

571
00:27:46,734 --> 00:27:48,434
Let's just go
and talk about this.

572
00:27:48,434 --> 00:27:51,067
No, you don't understand, Steve.

573
00:27:51,067 --> 00:27:56,467
I've got the key
to the gates of paradise,

574
00:27:56,467 --> 00:27:58,734
but I've got too many legs!

575
00:28:01,868 --> 00:28:05,167
I'm sure we've all felt
that way at some time or other.

576
00:28:16,200 --> 00:28:18,834
So, Sally, Liam's certainly
been doing

577
00:28:18,834 --> 00:28:21,000
some lovely things
to your bottom.

578
00:28:26,868 --> 00:28:30,767
* if you can make your mind up *

579
00:28:30,767 --> 00:28:33,100
* we'll never *

580
00:28:33,100 --> 00:28:35,167
* get started *

581
00:28:36,734 --> 00:28:40,234
* and i don't want to wind up *

582
00:28:40,234 --> 00:28:45,968
* being parted, broken-hearted *

583
00:28:45,968 --> 00:28:48,901
* so, if you really love me *

584
00:28:48,901 --> 00:28:51,100
* say yes *

585
00:28:51,100 --> 00:28:53,734
* and please don't tell me *

586
00:28:53,734 --> 00:28:57,501
* perhaps, perhaps, perhaps *