1 00:00:02,100 --> 00:00:04,133 ** 2 00:00:08,200 --> 00:00:11,501 * you won't admit you love me * 3 00:00:11,501 --> 00:00:13,067 * and so * 4 00:00:13,067 --> 00:00:15,567 * how am i ever * 5 00:00:15,567 --> 00:00:17,434 * to know * 6 00:00:17,434 --> 00:00:20,400 * you always tell me * 7 00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:23,834 * perhaps, perhaps, perhaps * 8 00:00:24,834 --> 00:00:27,067 * perhaps * 9 00:00:27,067 --> 00:00:29,167 * perhaps * 10 00:00:29,167 --> 00:00:31,234 * perhaps * 11 00:00:41,834 --> 00:00:43,467 Susan's. 12 00:01:15,968 --> 00:01:20,234 Operator: His call is being diverted. Lease hold. 13 00:01:20,234 --> 00:01:22,501 ( house phone rings ) 14 00:01:30,901 --> 00:01:32,534 hello? 15 00:01:36,634 --> 00:01:38,234 Hello, who is this? 16 00:01:39,801 --> 00:01:41,434 Um... 17 00:01:41,434 --> 00:01:44,167 For God's sake, is this some kind of pervert? 18 00:01:46,267 --> 00:01:48,234 It--it's Steve. 19 00:01:48,234 --> 00:01:51,334 Oh, Steve! Hi. It's Sally. 20 00:01:51,334 --> 00:01:52,868 Yes. 21 00:01:52,868 --> 00:01:54,968 You looking for Susan? She's not here. 22 00:01:54,968 --> 00:01:56,868 No. 23 00:01:56,868 --> 00:02:00,601 My shower's broken, she said i could use hers. 24 00:02:00,601 --> 00:02:02,234 You could try her mobile-- 25 00:02:02,234 --> 00:02:03,634 ohh! 26 00:02:09,133 --> 00:02:10,634 No! 27 00:02:10,634 --> 00:02:13,033 She bent right over, right in front of me! 28 00:02:13,033 --> 00:02:14,801 You lucky bastard! 29 00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:16,567 Lucky?! 30 00:02:16,567 --> 00:02:19,400 Brilliant! That kind of thing never happens to me. 31 00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:21,334 Jeff, she's a friend! 32 00:02:21,334 --> 00:02:23,100 I'll never be able to look her in the eye again. 33 00:02:23,100 --> 00:02:25,033 But at least it happened once. 34 00:02:27,567 --> 00:02:29,634 You had an opinion yet? 35 00:02:29,634 --> 00:02:31,634 Nope, nothing. 36 00:02:31,634 --> 00:02:32,767 I keep trying to have an opinion, 37 00:02:32,767 --> 00:02:34,000 but nothing happens in my head. 38 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:35,434 My point exactly. 39 00:02:35,434 --> 00:02:37,834 Men can't have opinions about fabric. 40 00:02:37,834 --> 00:02:40,067 They haven't got the equipment. 41 00:02:40,067 --> 00:02:42,467 So what happened? What? 42 00:02:42,467 --> 00:02:44,033 With Sally's ass? 43 00:02:46,968 --> 00:02:48,067 Oh, bollocks. 44 00:02:48,067 --> 00:02:49,367 What's wrong? 45 00:02:49,367 --> 00:02:50,901 I just cut you off. 46 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:56,234 Steve? 47 00:02:57,334 --> 00:02:59,100 Yes, Sally? 48 00:02:59,100 --> 00:03:01,834 You're standing right behind me, aren't you? 49 00:03:01,834 --> 00:03:05,734 I'm more than usually certain of that. 50 00:03:07,434 --> 00:03:10,033 I'm going to pick up this towel. 51 00:03:10,033 --> 00:03:11,400 You're going to look the other way. 52 00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:12,667 Clear? 53 00:03:12,667 --> 00:03:14,300 Yes. Yes, good idea. 54 00:03:15,367 --> 00:03:16,968 I'm really sorry about this, um-- 55 00:03:16,968 --> 00:03:18,934 i was just looking for my keys, 56 00:03:18,934 --> 00:03:20,067 i thought i might have left them here. 57 00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:21,067 Okay. 58 00:03:21,067 --> 00:03:22,901 But i couldn't find them. 59 00:03:22,901 --> 00:03:25,701 So i thought I'd phone Susan's mobile, 60 00:03:25,701 --> 00:03:27,901 but it diverted here. 61 00:03:27,901 --> 00:03:29,801 Oh God, I'm just so sorry 62 00:03:29,801 --> 00:03:32,634 about this whole... Nudity situation. 63 00:03:32,634 --> 00:03:34,000 Did you look everywhere? 64 00:03:35,234 --> 00:03:36,601 Okay-- 65 00:03:36,601 --> 00:03:38,334 okay, yes, i looked. 66 00:03:38,334 --> 00:03:41,534 I'm a bloke, you bent over, i looked--shoot me. 67 00:03:41,534 --> 00:03:43,467 Did you look everywhere... 68 00:03:43,467 --> 00:03:45,133 For your keys? 69 00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:50,767 How can i ever tell Susan? 70 00:03:50,767 --> 00:03:52,300 What do you mean? 71 00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:54,267 She's my best friend. 72 00:03:54,267 --> 00:03:57,667 My best friend's boyfriend has seen my bottom. 73 00:03:57,667 --> 00:03:59,734 There must be a rule about that. 74 00:03:59,734 --> 00:04:03,000 A rule just for bottoms? 75 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:05,400 You've never understood about bottoms, Jane. 76 00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:08,200 Having a bottom is living with the enemy. 77 00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:11,801 Not only do they spend their lives slowly inflating, 78 00:04:11,801 --> 00:04:13,467 they flirt with men 79 00:04:13,467 --> 00:04:15,234 while we're looking the other way. 80 00:04:15,234 --> 00:04:18,200 I think you've got a very troubled relationship 81 00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:20,234 with your bottom, Sally. 82 00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:29,334 Well? 83 00:04:31,601 --> 00:04:34,400 I nearly had an opinion about that one. 84 00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:35,801 What was it? 85 00:04:38,634 --> 00:04:40,200 It's got a lot of lines. 86 00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:43,234 Okay. Uh, what do you think about that? 87 00:04:48,067 --> 00:04:49,400 I don't know. 88 00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:50,601 You see? 89 00:04:50,601 --> 00:04:52,100 It's not genetically possible 90 00:04:52,100 --> 00:04:54,133 for men to have opinions about fabric. 91 00:04:54,133 --> 00:04:55,868 So anyway-- 92 00:04:55,868 --> 00:04:58,000 what did, uh... 93 00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:00,167 Susan say about the whole Sally's ass thing? 94 00:05:00,167 --> 00:05:02,400 It only happened this morning. I haven't told her yet. 95 00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:05,934 You can't tell her, Steve--ever. 96 00:05:05,934 --> 00:05:07,033 Why? 97 00:05:07,033 --> 00:05:09,701 Sally is Susan's best friend. 98 00:05:09,701 --> 00:05:11,567 She's completely off-limits. 99 00:05:11,567 --> 00:05:12,968 You have seen into 100 00:05:12,968 --> 00:05:16,400 the very heart of the forbidden lands. 101 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:19,267 You must never speak of what you saw. 102 00:05:19,267 --> 00:05:21,868 "The forbidden lands"? 103 00:05:21,868 --> 00:05:25,434 Best friends and sisters-- 104 00:05:25,434 --> 00:05:28,634 you can talk to them, you can be friends with them, 105 00:05:28,634 --> 00:05:31,501 but you never get a backstage pass. 106 00:05:31,501 --> 00:05:34,801 What, you mean you're allowed to do everything else? 107 00:05:34,801 --> 00:05:36,934 No, what he's saying is, 108 00:05:36,934 --> 00:05:38,868 your girlfriend's best friend and sisters 109 00:05:38,868 --> 00:05:40,033 are off-limits. 110 00:05:40,033 --> 00:05:43,100 I dated twins once for a month. 111 00:05:43,100 --> 00:05:45,534 Exactly. And what happened when they found out? 112 00:05:45,534 --> 00:05:47,734 When they found out? 113 00:05:49,033 --> 00:05:50,868 They were working me in shifts! 114 00:05:50,868 --> 00:05:52,834 I was in a threesome, i didn't even know it. 115 00:05:52,834 --> 00:05:54,167 I was exhausted. 116 00:05:54,167 --> 00:05:56,501 I kept wondering when she slept, when she ate. 117 00:05:56,501 --> 00:05:58,434 Why she kept changing her name. 118 00:06:00,167 --> 00:06:02,601 So how could even you not notice you were dating 119 00:06:02,601 --> 00:06:04,534 two different people? 120 00:06:04,534 --> 00:06:08,167 You see, identical twins can have a weird psychic link. 121 00:06:08,167 --> 00:06:11,067 Yeah, you're right. Identical woulda been worse. 122 00:06:14,834 --> 00:06:17,133 Okay. Okay. 123 00:06:17,133 --> 00:06:20,868 Sally's bottom-- what did you think? 124 00:06:20,868 --> 00:06:23,133 Well, it-- 125 00:06:23,133 --> 00:06:24,534 it was a bottom, 126 00:06:24,534 --> 00:06:26,901 it was one i hadn't seen before. 127 00:06:26,901 --> 00:06:28,267 I wasn't bored. 128 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:31,467 Did you like it? 129 00:06:31,467 --> 00:06:34,100 I like Susan's better. 130 00:06:34,100 --> 00:06:36,367 Then why bother with Sally's? 131 00:06:36,367 --> 00:06:38,000 Well, it-- 132 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:39,300 it was fresher. 133 00:06:39,300 --> 00:06:42,467 And it was-- it was new bottom to me, 134 00:06:42,467 --> 00:06:45,734 it increased my bottom-seeing total. 135 00:06:45,734 --> 00:06:48,300 Ah. 136 00:06:48,300 --> 00:06:50,267 No. Susan and me, 137 00:06:50,267 --> 00:06:52,901 we're very together now. 138 00:06:52,901 --> 00:06:56,267 We're at that kind of moving-in stage. 139 00:06:56,267 --> 00:07:00,868 You know, it's all about fabrics and curtains 140 00:07:00,868 --> 00:07:03,767 and--and cushions... 141 00:07:05,234 --> 00:07:07,267 Susan gave me this a week ago! 142 00:07:07,267 --> 00:07:09,267 I was supposed to have an opinion by now! 143 00:07:09,267 --> 00:07:11,868 How am i expected to have an opinion in a week?! 144 00:07:11,868 --> 00:07:14,767 So--what if you tell Susan 145 00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:17,200 that you've seen Sally's bottom? 146 00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:18,934 I will tell her. 147 00:07:18,934 --> 00:07:21,100 We're honest with each other, we tell each other things. 148 00:07:21,100 --> 00:07:22,901 Yeah? And what if Susan asks 149 00:07:22,901 --> 00:07:25,767 if you liked her best friend's bottom? 150 00:07:25,767 --> 00:07:27,467 What if? 151 00:07:27,467 --> 00:07:29,634 Don you know what she'll really be asking? 152 00:07:29,634 --> 00:07:32,534 Do you know what captain subtext would say? 153 00:07:32,534 --> 00:07:35,834 "Captain subtext"? 154 00:07:35,834 --> 00:07:39,868 She'll be saying, "do you fancy my best friend?" 155 00:07:39,868 --> 00:07:43,901 And who is captain subtext? 156 00:07:43,901 --> 00:07:46,200 So what will you tell her when she asks you that? 157 00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:47,334 The truth. 158 00:07:47,334 --> 00:07:48,801 But you do fancy her. 159 00:07:48,801 --> 00:07:50,267 Everybody fancies Sally. 160 00:07:50,267 --> 00:07:53,434 Okay. I'll tell her lies. 161 00:07:53,434 --> 00:07:54,567 She'll know. 162 00:07:54,567 --> 00:07:56,367 Will captain subtext tell her? 163 00:07:56,367 --> 00:07:59,801 Captain subtext isn't a real person, Steve. 164 00:08:01,734 --> 00:08:03,501 Yes, i got that. 165 00:08:03,501 --> 00:08:05,000 So who will tell her? 166 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:09,267 The prickles, the blurts, and the head laugh. 167 00:08:09,267 --> 00:08:12,601 And are they real, or do they work with the captain? 168 00:08:14,100 --> 00:08:16,834 Oh, Steve... They're real. 169 00:08:22,334 --> 00:08:24,868 Hi. Hi, sorry I'm running late. 170 00:08:24,868 --> 00:08:26,234 No problem. 171 00:08:26,234 --> 00:08:29,000 Can't stay long. Late night shopping with Steve. 172 00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:30,934 We're at the furniture stage. 173 00:08:30,934 --> 00:08:32,968 Good luck. 174 00:08:32,968 --> 00:08:34,834 Oh, no, he's taken a real interest. 175 00:08:34,834 --> 00:08:36,734 He's had a pattern book for a week. 176 00:08:36,734 --> 00:08:40,200 I may need both your opinions on a sofa, by the way. 177 00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:43,534 Ooh, i love giving opinions, I've got hundreds. 178 00:08:43,534 --> 00:08:45,734 Did you use my shower okay? 179 00:08:45,734 --> 00:08:47,334 Sure, thanks. 180 00:08:47,334 --> 00:08:49,300 Steve turned up, by the way-- he lost his keys. 181 00:08:49,300 --> 00:08:51,067 Oh, right. 182 00:08:51,067 --> 00:08:53,834 Hope he didn't catch you with your Kit off. 183 00:08:56,300 --> 00:08:58,767 Jeff: Stage one-- the prickles. 184 00:08:58,767 --> 00:09:02,601 You can feel the prickles starting all over your face. 185 00:09:02,601 --> 00:09:05,033 If you just think the word "blush," 186 00:09:05,033 --> 00:09:08,601 your head will inflate to three times its normal size. 187 00:09:08,601 --> 00:09:11,834 And then you realize you're not saying anything. 188 00:09:11,834 --> 00:09:13,434 Your stuck on "pause," 189 00:09:13,434 --> 00:09:15,868 and you've forgotten how to work your face, 190 00:09:15,868 --> 00:09:18,601 and the pause is just getting longer and longer, 191 00:09:18,601 --> 00:09:20,234 and you've got to get back in control! 192 00:09:20,234 --> 00:09:22,667 Mistake two--the blurts. 193 00:09:22,667 --> 00:09:25,167 No. No, of course he didn't. 194 00:09:25,167 --> 00:09:28,234 No. No way. As if. No, of course not. 195 00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:31,701 Why would you think that? I mean, come on, Susan. 196 00:09:31,701 --> 00:09:34,701 Then you realize you were speaking too fast, 197 00:09:34,701 --> 00:09:37,667 and you've got to compensate, make it seem all right. 198 00:09:37,667 --> 00:09:40,567 That's when you make the biggest mistake of all. 199 00:09:40,567 --> 00:09:43,067 You do the head laugh. 200 00:09:43,067 --> 00:09:45,033 Ha ha ha ha ha! 201 00:09:45,033 --> 00:09:47,501 Okay, what's wrong? 202 00:09:49,634 --> 00:09:51,634 Was he the one with the magic ring? 203 00:09:51,634 --> 00:09:53,868 I'm sorry? 204 00:09:53,868 --> 00:09:57,167 Captain subtext, did he have this ring 205 00:09:57,167 --> 00:09:59,601 that would shoot out this Ray 206 00:09:59,601 --> 00:10:01,667 and it would become like a giant fist 207 00:10:01,667 --> 00:10:02,734 or an axe or something? 208 00:10:02,734 --> 00:10:04,501 No, that was green lantern. 209 00:10:04,501 --> 00:10:06,501 Was he the one with the giant cave, then? 210 00:10:06,501 --> 00:10:07,968 Patrick! 211 00:10:07,968 --> 00:10:09,601 There isn't a captain subtext! 212 00:10:09,601 --> 00:10:11,133 It's just an expression 213 00:10:11,133 --> 00:10:13,000 for when you say one thing and mean another. 214 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:15,067 Exactly. He didn't have a cave. 215 00:10:15,067 --> 00:10:16,634 He lived in our attic 216 00:10:16,634 --> 00:10:19,300 and had secret meetings with my mother. 217 00:10:19,300 --> 00:10:20,601 Right. 218 00:10:20,601 --> 00:10:24,000 He had a special helmet of truth detection. 219 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:26,200 If i ever told any lies, 220 00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:28,067 he's sneak into my room when i was asleep 221 00:10:28,067 --> 00:10:30,434 and perform surgical operations on me. 222 00:10:30,434 --> 00:10:33,067 You can stop any time you like, Jeff. 223 00:10:33,067 --> 00:10:35,934 Every morning I'd check, 224 00:10:35,934 --> 00:10:39,133 and my penis would be a tiny bit smaller. 225 00:10:39,133 --> 00:10:42,033 Every time i told a lie, 226 00:10:42,033 --> 00:10:44,000 he's sneak in and remove another segment. 227 00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:46,734 Segment? 228 00:10:46,734 --> 00:10:50,133 That's how my mother would know if I'd been fibbing. 229 00:10:50,133 --> 00:10:53,367 "Keep up with all your lying, Jeffrey, 230 00:10:53,367 --> 00:10:55,667 I've always wanted a daughter." 231 00:10:57,734 --> 00:10:59,300 Ah, mothers, eh? 232 00:10:59,300 --> 00:11:02,334 I'm sorry, but that's completely mad. 233 00:11:02,334 --> 00:11:04,367 It's a little special, isn't it? 234 00:11:04,367 --> 00:11:06,300 People don't say one thing and mean another, 235 00:11:06,300 --> 00:11:07,934 it just doesn't happen. 236 00:11:07,934 --> 00:11:11,267 People make subconscious slips. We all do it. 237 00:11:11,267 --> 00:11:13,300 Thank you, Steve, but i think you'll find 238 00:11:13,300 --> 00:11:15,767 not everybody has a subconscious. 239 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:18,968 Very probably true. 240 00:11:18,968 --> 00:11:21,100 Anyone want another drink? 241 00:11:21,100 --> 00:11:22,400 Great, yeah. 242 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:24,167 Better not. Came in my penis. 243 00:11:24,167 --> 00:11:26,734 I'm taking it to the garage. 244 00:11:26,734 --> 00:11:29,667 Been having trouble lately, it just won't start. 245 00:11:29,667 --> 00:11:32,400 Your car? 246 00:11:37,033 --> 00:11:38,968 I said "penis" there, didn't i? 247 00:11:38,968 --> 00:11:41,000 So... 248 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,868 Having a bit of car trouble, are we? 249 00:11:43,868 --> 00:11:47,167 Anything you wanna share with us? 250 00:11:47,167 --> 00:11:48,801 Any of your motoring difficulties? 251 00:11:48,801 --> 00:11:50,667 Look, you two may have subconsciouses, 252 00:11:50,667 --> 00:11:53,667 but there's nothing going on in my head! 253 00:11:53,667 --> 00:11:56,000 All right, only joking. Just kidding. 254 00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:57,701 Anyway, it was your fault, 255 00:11:57,701 --> 00:11:59,667 you started talking about traitors in the first place. 256 00:11:59,667 --> 00:12:01,334 Penises! 257 00:12:01,334 --> 00:12:03,300 Not traitors. 258 00:12:03,300 --> 00:12:05,300 Penises. 259 00:12:05,300 --> 00:12:08,901 Whoo hoo! Anyway, look at the time, 260 00:12:08,901 --> 00:12:11,467 it's well past time i was getting off. 261 00:12:11,467 --> 00:12:12,534 'Bye, guys. 262 00:12:12,534 --> 00:12:14,334 'Bye. 263 00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:16,167 See ya. 264 00:12:18,701 --> 00:12:21,501 Okay, so Steve saw your bottom. So what? 265 00:12:21,501 --> 00:12:24,634 So my relationship with your boyfriend 266 00:12:24,634 --> 00:12:26,300 has been thrown completely off balance 267 00:12:26,300 --> 00:12:28,667 by the weight of my bottom! 268 00:12:28,667 --> 00:12:30,767 Can i please rephrase that? 269 00:12:32,567 --> 00:12:35,200 Well, look, I'm not exactly feeling threatened here. 270 00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:38,400 Steve's terrified of you, and you think he's useless. 271 00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:39,834 You like men who can do things. 272 00:12:39,834 --> 00:12:41,434 Don't we all? 273 00:12:43,067 --> 00:12:45,067 No, i mean practical things. 274 00:12:45,067 --> 00:12:46,901 She likes plumbers, carpenters. 275 00:12:46,901 --> 00:12:48,834 She cruises the yellow pages. 276 00:12:48,834 --> 00:12:49,901 I do not. 277 00:12:49,901 --> 00:12:51,801 She's been known to put on her best frock 278 00:12:51,801 --> 00:12:53,100 and sabotage the dish washer. 279 00:12:53,100 --> 00:12:54,801 What would be the point? 280 00:12:54,801 --> 00:12:56,467 I hate having sex at home. 281 00:12:56,467 --> 00:12:57,734 I've got a listening flat mate. 282 00:12:57,734 --> 00:12:59,901 Oh, no! I hate those. 283 00:12:59,901 --> 00:13:02,234 Do you have to be really quiet for her? 284 00:13:02,234 --> 00:13:05,167 No, i have to be really loud. We're very competitive. 285 00:13:05,167 --> 00:13:08,467 You know, I'd never have pegged you 286 00:13:08,467 --> 00:13:10,234 as liking the practical type. 287 00:13:10,234 --> 00:13:12,834 Oh, i like a man you can kick out of bed 288 00:13:12,834 --> 00:13:14,868 and he'll do things 'round the house. 289 00:13:14,868 --> 00:13:16,667 That means there's a point to-- 290 00:13:16,667 --> 00:13:18,033 well, the rest of him. 291 00:13:18,033 --> 00:13:20,167 I like a man in a tool belt. 292 00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:21,934 It's all just there, in a row. 293 00:13:21,934 --> 00:13:24,501 Sex and mending things. 294 00:13:24,501 --> 00:13:27,000 It says, "i can fix your cistern, 295 00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,534 and i can... Fix your cistern." 296 00:13:29,534 --> 00:13:34,133 I've always thought plumbers must be the best at sex. 297 00:13:34,133 --> 00:13:37,501 I mean, there must be a lot of useful crossovers. 298 00:13:37,501 --> 00:13:39,133 Well, then, 299 00:13:39,133 --> 00:13:42,200 i just need a good reason to call out a plumber. 300 00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:44,067 Aaaah, your shower. 301 00:13:44,067 --> 00:13:45,701 Good idea. I'll break my shower. 302 00:13:45,701 --> 00:13:47,300 No, your shower is broken. 303 00:13:47,300 --> 00:13:48,434 I'm sorry? 304 00:13:48,434 --> 00:13:50,467 You had to use mine this morning, remember? 305 00:13:53,267 --> 00:13:54,901 Of course. Exactly. 306 00:13:54,901 --> 00:13:57,267 My shower's broken. I had to use yours. 307 00:13:57,267 --> 00:13:59,567 Silly of me, forgetting like that. 308 00:13:59,567 --> 00:14:02,767 Ha ha ha ha ha! 309 00:14:02,767 --> 00:14:04,400 ( sighs ) 310 00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:06,334 you could fake an opinion. 311 00:14:06,334 --> 00:14:08,601 Yeah, you could have an opinion 312 00:14:08,601 --> 00:14:10,934 about patterns with lots of spots. 313 00:14:10,934 --> 00:14:12,167 Like what? 314 00:14:12,167 --> 00:14:14,000 Well, you could say that, um... 315 00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:17,000 You're undecided about spots. 316 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:19,200 That's not an opinion, 317 00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:21,400 that's not having an opinion. 318 00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:22,534 I can't go in with that. 319 00:14:22,534 --> 00:14:24,100 Why? 320 00:14:24,100 --> 00:14:26,467 Are you feeling guilty? 321 00:14:26,467 --> 00:14:28,467 Yeah, a bit. 322 00:14:28,467 --> 00:14:30,300 About the ass-seeing? 323 00:14:30,300 --> 00:14:33,167 Es, about the...ass-seeing. 324 00:14:33,167 --> 00:14:36,868 But that's all you did, isn't it? You just ass-saw. 325 00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:41,667 Of course it is, nothing more. What makes you think that? 326 00:14:41,667 --> 00:14:43,167 Nothing. 327 00:14:43,167 --> 00:14:45,701 Ha ha ha ha ha ha! 328 00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:49,133 I think perhaps you should go. 329 00:14:49,133 --> 00:14:50,467 Right. 330 00:14:52,033 --> 00:14:54,501 Steve. Yes? 331 00:14:54,501 --> 00:14:56,567 Could you stop thinking about my bottom, please? 332 00:14:56,567 --> 00:14:58,534 I'm not. You're picturing it. 333 00:14:58,534 --> 00:15:01,367 I am not. I've moved on. 334 00:15:01,367 --> 00:15:03,000 It's still in there. 335 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:04,434 Well, it's in there now-- 336 00:15:04,434 --> 00:15:06,334 you've reminded me. 337 00:15:06,334 --> 00:15:08,968 Well, get rid of it. You keep bringing it up! 338 00:15:08,968 --> 00:15:11,000 I can't get it out of my head-- 339 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:12,868 it's... expanding. 340 00:15:12,868 --> 00:15:14,968 Expanding?! 341 00:15:14,968 --> 00:15:16,467 Like... 342 00:15:16,467 --> 00:15:18,567 Space jelly! 343 00:15:18,567 --> 00:15:21,200 What's space jelly?! 344 00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:22,734 I don't know! 345 00:15:22,734 --> 00:15:24,634 My bottom is not expanding space jelly! 346 00:15:24,634 --> 00:15:26,901 I'm just big-boned! 347 00:15:26,901 --> 00:15:28,367 Oh, thanks! Now I've got breasts! 348 00:15:28,367 --> 00:15:29,367 For God's sake! 349 00:15:29,367 --> 00:15:31,434 Are they gone yet? 350 00:15:31,434 --> 00:15:33,567 Yes, they're gone. 351 00:15:33,567 --> 00:15:35,067 Thank you. 352 00:15:35,067 --> 00:15:38,133 Steve, i am your girlfriend's best friend. I know. 353 00:15:38,133 --> 00:15:41,200 As for as you are concerned, i stop from the neck down. 354 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:43,834 As far as I'm concerned, you're not even plumbed. 355 00:15:43,834 --> 00:15:45,801 Plumbed? 356 00:15:45,801 --> 00:15:47,400 Sorry! Sorry! 357 00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:49,934 Let's try putting this delicately, shall we? 358 00:15:49,934 --> 00:15:53,033 Yes. Delicately would be good. 359 00:15:53,033 --> 00:15:55,801 As Susan's best friend, 360 00:15:55,801 --> 00:15:58,901 i am, to you, a bit like Australia. 361 00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:01,968 Australia? 362 00:16:01,968 --> 00:16:05,133 Very distant, largely uninhabitable, 363 00:16:05,133 --> 00:16:07,667 and with areas of great danger. 364 00:16:07,667 --> 00:16:11,300 Oh, right! I see. Good. 365 00:16:11,300 --> 00:16:14,067 I thought it was about having a lot of convicts. 366 00:16:15,901 --> 00:16:18,100 I was trying to say, Steve, 367 00:16:18,100 --> 00:16:19,868 that there are very few areas of me 368 00:16:19,868 --> 00:16:21,534 where you can go in safety. 369 00:16:21,534 --> 00:16:22,968 Right, good. 370 00:16:22,968 --> 00:16:24,968 Very delicate way of putting it. 371 00:16:24,968 --> 00:16:26,634 Thank you. 372 00:16:26,634 --> 00:16:29,801 You mean i can visit your Sydney or your Melbourne-- 373 00:16:29,801 --> 00:16:31,000 exactly. 374 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:33,434 But I'm not welcome in your Bush. 375 00:16:37,133 --> 00:16:40,100 I think I'll... Probably just go. 376 00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:41,734 I think you probably will. 377 00:16:44,634 --> 00:16:46,534 Oh, by the way. What? 378 00:16:46,534 --> 00:16:49,734 You're not in the least bit big-boned. 379 00:16:49,734 --> 00:16:51,534 You're fine. 380 00:16:51,534 --> 00:16:55,100 You look great, really. 381 00:16:56,467 --> 00:16:57,968 Thank you. 382 00:17:00,167 --> 00:17:02,467 Steve-- hmm? 383 00:17:02,467 --> 00:17:04,534 Do you mean that? I'm sorry? 384 00:17:04,534 --> 00:17:06,767 I'm asking... 385 00:17:06,767 --> 00:17:08,567 Do you mean that? 386 00:17:08,567 --> 00:17:12,067 Do you really find me attractive? 387 00:17:12,067 --> 00:17:13,834 Sally? 388 00:17:25,167 --> 00:17:26,767 Sorry about this. 389 00:17:26,767 --> 00:17:29,067 My boyfriend's really let me down. 390 00:17:29,067 --> 00:17:31,234 Don't worry, we're open till ten. 391 00:17:31,234 --> 00:17:32,234 Pity. 392 00:17:32,234 --> 00:17:33,667 Pity? 393 00:17:33,667 --> 00:17:36,467 Why do girls like you always have a boyfriend? 394 00:17:36,467 --> 00:17:40,167 Because i have acute nymphomania and my own brewery. 395 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:43,033 Ha ha ha ha! 396 00:17:44,934 --> 00:17:47,300 I like women with a sense of humor. 397 00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:48,734 You'll attract them. 398 00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:50,501 Okay. 399 00:17:53,801 --> 00:17:55,467 Is this the one? 400 00:17:55,467 --> 00:17:56,834 I think so. 401 00:17:59,133 --> 00:18:00,467 Sally's there. 402 00:18:00,467 --> 00:18:01,968 Steve: Yeah, i know. 403 00:18:01,968 --> 00:18:03,234 With her ass. 404 00:18:03,234 --> 00:18:06,434 It'd be quite Scary if she'd left it at home. 405 00:18:06,434 --> 00:18:07,701 You don't understand. 406 00:18:07,701 --> 00:18:10,734 I can't look at her without imagining her ass now! 407 00:18:10,734 --> 00:18:12,667 It's like it's transmitting-- 408 00:18:12,667 --> 00:18:14,267 I'll look at her face, and I'll get ass! 409 00:18:14,267 --> 00:18:16,534 It was me that saw it! Me, not you! 410 00:18:16,534 --> 00:18:18,934 I know, but it's out there now. 411 00:18:18,934 --> 00:18:20,667 You released it, Steve. 412 00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:23,133 Sally's ass has tasted freedom, 413 00:18:23,133 --> 00:18:24,934 and it's never going back. 414 00:18:26,167 --> 00:18:27,400 Steve, hi. 415 00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:29,567 Hi. 416 00:18:29,567 --> 00:18:31,400 I thought you weren't coming. 417 00:18:37,801 --> 00:18:39,267 What do you think of this? 418 00:18:42,834 --> 00:18:44,367 What is it? 419 00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:47,400 It's a suede cushion. 420 00:18:48,667 --> 00:18:50,567 Well, I'll need a little more time. 421 00:18:50,567 --> 00:18:52,300 Okay. 422 00:18:52,300 --> 00:18:53,501 Did you bring the pattern book? 423 00:18:53,501 --> 00:18:55,767 Yeah, absolutely. Here it is. 424 00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:58,334 Any opinions? 425 00:18:58,334 --> 00:19:00,734 Um....uh.... 426 00:19:00,734 --> 00:19:03,834 We have other fabrics. Would you like to see them? 427 00:19:03,834 --> 00:19:08,033 Oh! Do you have anything with...spots? No. 428 00:19:08,033 --> 00:19:10,033 Because actually, 429 00:19:10,033 --> 00:19:13,300 I'm, uh, undecided when it comes to spots. 430 00:19:13,300 --> 00:19:16,567 Well, I'm sorry we're going to have to miss out on that. 431 00:19:22,501 --> 00:19:24,334 Why are you staring at my face? 432 00:19:24,334 --> 00:19:27,334 I'm not, I'm not. I'm staring at your face. 433 00:19:29,167 --> 00:19:30,367 What?! 434 00:19:33,300 --> 00:19:36,767 Okay, so after a whole week you haven't actually managed 435 00:19:36,767 --> 00:19:39,267 to have a single opinion, have you? 436 00:19:39,267 --> 00:19:41,767 Um...about that number, yes. 437 00:19:41,767 --> 00:19:45,167 Okay. Fine. No problem. 438 00:19:45,167 --> 00:19:47,534 Um, can everyone just come 439 00:19:47,534 --> 00:19:50,934 and have a look at this sofa, please? 440 00:19:54,834 --> 00:19:58,434 This is the sofa we're thinking of buying, 441 00:19:58,434 --> 00:20:01,434 and what we've gotta do is choose a covering. 442 00:20:01,434 --> 00:20:04,000 I'm gonna show you my favorites. 443 00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:06,200 Anyone scared so far? 444 00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:08,400 I'm scared. 445 00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:11,033 You're always scared, Jeff, you don't count. 446 00:20:11,033 --> 00:20:12,434 Right. 447 00:20:12,434 --> 00:20:15,434 I want to know what you really think. 448 00:20:29,934 --> 00:20:32,734 You've seen my best friend naked. 449 00:20:32,734 --> 00:20:36,200 Nnnn--I've--I've seen your best friend... 450 00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:37,367 Naked. 451 00:20:37,367 --> 00:20:38,434 Oh. 452 00:20:39,934 --> 00:20:41,968 Your boyfriend's seen me naked. 453 00:20:43,334 --> 00:20:45,000 Cleft. 454 00:20:47,968 --> 00:20:49,634 Let's all talk about me! 455 00:20:51,100 --> 00:20:54,534 I wonder how my bottom actually looked. 456 00:20:54,534 --> 00:20:59,868 Buttocks. Gusset. Bicycle saddle. 457 00:21:03,334 --> 00:21:07,734 Me, me, me, 458 00:21:07,734 --> 00:21:11,567 me...me! 459 00:21:13,567 --> 00:21:16,200 I have an enormous penis. 460 00:21:17,767 --> 00:21:20,801 Actually, I've got a bigger penis. 461 00:21:20,801 --> 00:21:22,300 By far. 462 00:21:22,300 --> 00:21:25,501 Sorry, but my penis is staggeringly vast. 463 00:21:25,501 --> 00:21:27,534 Look, I'm--I'm-- 464 00:21:27,534 --> 00:21:30,334 massively well-endowed. 465 00:21:30,334 --> 00:21:32,434 I'm the manager here, 466 00:21:32,434 --> 00:21:36,968 so my penis is like an enormous train. 467 00:21:36,968 --> 00:21:39,267 With gigantic-- 468 00:21:39,267 --> 00:21:40,701 oh, for God's sake! 469 00:21:42,567 --> 00:21:45,501 Can you please just be honest with me? 470 00:21:45,501 --> 00:21:47,300 About what? Anything! 471 00:21:47,300 --> 00:21:48,901 The fabric thing? 472 00:21:48,901 --> 00:21:50,567 Anything at all. 473 00:21:50,567 --> 00:21:54,133 Just give me some evidence of sentient activity, 474 00:21:54,133 --> 00:21:56,200 instead of just standing there 475 00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:58,601 waiting for something else to be indecisive about. 476 00:21:58,601 --> 00:22:00,200 Are you all right? 477 00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:02,133 What's wrong, Susan? 478 00:22:02,133 --> 00:22:04,000 Cleft? 479 00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:07,133 I mean--sorry. 480 00:22:08,701 --> 00:22:10,567 What do you expect? 481 00:22:10,567 --> 00:22:13,133 You bring me to a place like this-- 482 00:22:13,133 --> 00:22:15,567 i can't have opinions in a place like this! 483 00:22:15,567 --> 00:22:18,501 I just have to fake opinions to stop you getting cross. 484 00:22:18,501 --> 00:22:19,801 Don't be ridiculous. 485 00:22:19,801 --> 00:22:21,100 Okay, okay-- 486 00:22:21,100 --> 00:22:23,133 I'll show you. 487 00:22:23,133 --> 00:22:27,133 What is this? It's a cushion. 488 00:22:27,133 --> 00:22:30,234 Right. Yes. It's a cushion. 489 00:22:30,234 --> 00:22:31,634 Thank you for that-- very informative. 490 00:22:31,634 --> 00:22:33,834 Have you got any of these? No. 491 00:22:33,834 --> 00:22:35,267 Of course you haven't. 492 00:22:35,267 --> 00:22:37,801 You--are you married? Living with anyone? No. 493 00:22:37,801 --> 00:22:39,834 Got any of these? No. 494 00:22:39,834 --> 00:22:41,300 Of course not! 495 00:22:41,300 --> 00:22:43,033 You bring these things into our homes-- 496 00:22:43,033 --> 00:22:45,133 they sit on our chairs. 497 00:22:45,133 --> 00:22:47,100 They watch our televisions. 498 00:22:47,100 --> 00:22:49,567 Now, i just need to know-- 499 00:22:49,567 --> 00:22:51,400 on behalf of all men everywhere, 500 00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:54,534 i just need to ask, please-- 501 00:22:54,534 --> 00:22:57,200 what are they for?! 502 00:22:57,200 --> 00:22:59,234 I mean, look at them-- 503 00:22:59,234 --> 00:23:01,100 look at the chubby little bastards 504 00:23:01,100 --> 00:23:03,133 just sitting around everywhere-- 505 00:23:03,133 --> 00:23:06,567 what are they-- pets for chairs? 506 00:23:06,567 --> 00:23:08,467 Come on--you sell them, what are they for? 507 00:23:08,467 --> 00:23:10,467 Well-- 508 00:23:10,467 --> 00:23:11,667 you sit on them. 509 00:23:11,667 --> 00:23:14,334 Ah! Ha ha ha! That's where you're wrong. 510 00:23:14,334 --> 00:23:15,934 Nobody sits on them. 511 00:23:15,934 --> 00:23:17,634 Watch this. 512 00:23:17,634 --> 00:23:20,234 Here's the cushion, I'm putting it on the sofa. 513 00:23:20,234 --> 00:23:21,234 Now watch me--- 514 00:23:21,234 --> 00:23:22,400 I'm sitting down, 515 00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:24,767 and what do i do on my final approach? 516 00:23:24,767 --> 00:23:26,300 I--oh!--move the cushion. 517 00:23:26,300 --> 00:23:29,501 D'ya see? It's not involved! 518 00:23:29,501 --> 00:23:32,968 It's not part of the whole sitting process, 519 00:23:32,968 --> 00:23:36,534 it just lies there-- it's fat litter! 520 00:23:36,534 --> 00:23:38,467 It's a sofa parasite! 521 00:23:38,467 --> 00:23:41,701 It's, you know...padding. 522 00:23:41,701 --> 00:23:43,133 Oh, padding. 523 00:23:43,133 --> 00:23:44,467 Now, that's interesting. 524 00:23:44,467 --> 00:23:46,033 See, i like padding. 525 00:23:46,033 --> 00:23:49,968 If i was, say, an american football player, 526 00:23:49,968 --> 00:23:52,033 all those big bastards running at me, 527 00:23:52,033 --> 00:23:53,334 i would say, 528 00:23:53,334 --> 00:23:54,901 "give me some of that padding, and be quick about it." 529 00:23:54,901 --> 00:23:58,868 If my job involved bouncing down jagged rocks, 530 00:23:58,868 --> 00:24:02,567 i would say, "in view of those jagged rocks down there, 531 00:24:02,567 --> 00:24:04,734 I'll have some of that padding, thank you very much." 532 00:24:04,734 --> 00:24:06,367 But Susan, Sally, Jane-- 533 00:24:06,367 --> 00:24:08,801 this is a sofa. 534 00:24:08,801 --> 00:24:11,767 It is designed by clever scientists 535 00:24:11,767 --> 00:24:15,033 in such a way so as to shield the unprotected user 536 00:24:15,033 --> 00:24:18,701 from the risk of skin abrasions, serious head trauma, 537 00:24:18,701 --> 00:24:21,701 and, of course... 538 00:24:21,701 --> 00:24:23,334 Daleks. 539 00:24:23,334 --> 00:24:26,934 Trust me girls, trust me on this one-- 540 00:24:26,934 --> 00:24:30,968 you do not need padding to tackle upholstery. 541 00:24:30,968 --> 00:24:33,334 So please-- once and for all, 542 00:24:33,334 --> 00:24:35,200 tell me why on earth 543 00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:37,701 you would want me to sit on one of these! 544 00:24:37,701 --> 00:24:41,300 Because if you pressed it firmly against your bottom, 545 00:24:41,300 --> 00:24:43,000 it might stop you talking! 546 00:24:46,467 --> 00:24:48,300 I saw Sally naked. 547 00:24:48,300 --> 00:24:49,467 I know. 548 00:24:51,300 --> 00:24:53,467 It was an accident-- so what? 549 00:24:53,467 --> 00:24:56,234 Oh, right! Of course. 550 00:24:56,234 --> 00:24:57,901 And that's all there is to it, right? 551 00:24:57,901 --> 00:24:59,968 It's just a stupid mistake. 552 00:24:59,968 --> 00:25:02,267 Absolutely. 'Course it is. 553 00:25:02,267 --> 00:25:04,634 Nothing more to it. Why would there be? 554 00:25:04,634 --> 00:25:06,400 Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! 555 00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:09,801 The prickles, the blurts, and the head laugh. 556 00:25:09,801 --> 00:25:12,200 Jeff works in my office, remember? 557 00:25:16,234 --> 00:25:18,400 Oh, right. 558 00:25:18,400 --> 00:25:19,834 Um-- 559 00:25:19,834 --> 00:25:21,901 Susan, there's just 560 00:25:21,901 --> 00:25:24,701 a little bit... 561 00:25:24,701 --> 00:25:26,334 More. 562 00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:31,501 Sally? 563 00:25:31,501 --> 00:25:34,868 This is probably a bad idea. 564 00:25:34,868 --> 00:25:36,968 What is? 565 00:25:44,534 --> 00:25:46,534 Well... 566 00:25:46,534 --> 00:25:48,000 What do you think? 567 00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:53,767 We're not in Sydney anymore. 568 00:25:54,801 --> 00:25:58,234 Come on-- am i attractive? 569 00:25:58,234 --> 00:26:00,100 Well--yes. 570 00:26:00,100 --> 00:26:01,567 Am i having an effect on you? 571 00:26:01,567 --> 00:26:04,501 Yes. Absolutely. How much of an effect? 572 00:26:04,501 --> 00:26:06,100 For God's sake, what do you want me to do-- 573 00:26:06,100 --> 00:26:07,367 measure it? 574 00:26:07,367 --> 00:26:10,567 There's nothing here that a man would find... 575 00:26:10,567 --> 00:26:12,133 Repulsive? 576 00:26:12,133 --> 00:26:13,434 Of course not! 577 00:26:13,434 --> 00:26:14,801 Then why are you looking so frightened? 578 00:26:14,801 --> 00:26:16,801 Because you're Sally! 579 00:26:16,801 --> 00:26:20,100 Because the next time i see you I'll be thinking of you naked! 580 00:26:20,100 --> 00:26:23,067 It'll be like meeting Jenny agutter. 581 00:26:23,067 --> 00:26:24,834 Jenny agutter? 582 00:26:24,834 --> 00:26:26,968 Imagine meeting Jenny agutter-- 583 00:26:26,968 --> 00:26:28,701 it'd be just, "seen that," 584 00:26:28,701 --> 00:26:30,400 "seen that." 585 00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:34,501 Jenny agutter will do just fine! 586 00:26:34,501 --> 00:26:36,400 Thank you. 587 00:26:40,267 --> 00:26:42,367 'Bye now. What? 588 00:26:42,367 --> 00:26:45,934 Would you mind? I've got no clothes on. 589 00:26:45,934 --> 00:26:48,767 Oh, right. Yes. 590 00:26:50,501 --> 00:26:52,734 ( door slams shut ) 591 00:26:57,868 --> 00:26:59,634 why? Why did you do that? 592 00:26:59,634 --> 00:27:01,467 Actually, yes-- 593 00:27:01,467 --> 00:27:02,801 why? 594 00:27:02,801 --> 00:27:06,167 I was feeling a bit insecure, 595 00:27:06,167 --> 00:27:08,367 needed a bit of a boost. 596 00:27:08,367 --> 00:27:12,067 Sally-- you flashed my boyfriend! 597 00:27:12,067 --> 00:27:15,100 The truth. Ow. 598 00:27:23,133 --> 00:27:28,000 Well, pretty sure I'm still attractive, 599 00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:30,934 so.... 600 00:27:30,934 --> 00:27:33,467 I don't think it's my fault. 601 00:27:41,501 --> 00:27:43,167 I've never had a failure before. 602 00:27:43,167 --> 00:27:45,968 Well, neither have i. 603 00:27:45,968 --> 00:27:48,133 Never, ever. 604 00:27:48,133 --> 00:27:51,133 Maybe we shouldn't have been here for the first time. 605 00:27:51,133 --> 00:27:53,734 You're not gonna tell anyone about this, are you? 606 00:27:53,734 --> 00:27:56,267 Oh, Patrick, of course not. 607 00:27:57,968 --> 00:28:00,934 You and Patrick!? 608 00:28:00,934 --> 00:28:02,567 When did-- 609 00:28:02,567 --> 00:28:05,501 Patrick had a failure! 610 00:28:07,067 --> 00:28:10,400 It's like discovering there isn't a father Christmas! 611 00:28:13,701 --> 00:28:14,701 Patrick? 612 00:28:15,701 --> 00:28:17,167 I thought you were going home. 613 00:28:17,167 --> 00:28:18,868 I can't. 614 00:28:18,868 --> 00:28:21,868 It's my car-- my big end's gone. 615 00:28:30,901 --> 00:28:34,067 * if you can't make your mind up * 616 00:28:34,067 --> 00:28:39,467 * we'll never get started * 617 00:28:39,467 --> 00:28:42,868 * and i don't wanna wind up * 618 00:28:42,868 --> 00:28:48,267 * bein' parted, broken-hearted * 619 00:28:48,267 --> 00:28:52,167 * so if you really love me * 620 00:28:52,167 --> 00:28:56,634 * say yes, and please don't tell me * 621 00:28:56,634 --> 00:28:59,968 * perhaps, perhaps, perhaps **