1 00:00:01,400 --> 00:00:03,567 ** 2 00:00:08,267 --> 00:00:11,667 * you won't admit you love me * 3 00:00:11,667 --> 00:00:13,501 * and so * 4 00:00:13,501 --> 00:00:17,701 * how am i ever to know * 5 00:00:17,701 --> 00:00:20,467 * you always tell me * 6 00:00:20,467 --> 00:00:24,834 * perhaps, perhaps, perhaps * 7 00:00:24,834 --> 00:00:27,100 * perhaps * 8 00:00:27,100 --> 00:00:29,267 * perhaps * 9 00:00:29,267 --> 00:00:31,033 * perhaps ** 10 00:00:58,767 --> 00:01:01,267 in the field of human relationships, 11 00:01:01,267 --> 00:01:03,267 what is the most frightening thing 12 00:01:03,267 --> 00:01:05,367 that can come through your door? 13 00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:07,968 A volkswagon. 14 00:01:09,167 --> 00:01:10,734 I'm sorry? 15 00:01:17,734 --> 00:01:19,968 ( knock on door ) 16 00:01:28,100 --> 00:01:30,701 what is the single most depressing thing 17 00:01:30,701 --> 00:01:32,801 that can come through your letter box? 18 00:01:32,801 --> 00:01:34,834 I got one, too. 19 00:01:34,834 --> 00:01:36,467 Better come in. 20 00:01:37,467 --> 00:01:38,901 It was years ago-- 21 00:01:38,901 --> 00:01:41,501 a volkswagon right through my front door. 22 00:01:41,501 --> 00:01:43,200 What's a volkswagon 23 00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:45,000 got to do with relationships, exactly? 24 00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:47,167 My girlfriend-- she was driving it. 25 00:01:47,167 --> 00:01:48,968 Right into my living room! 26 00:01:48,968 --> 00:01:50,501 Coulda killed someone. 27 00:01:50,501 --> 00:01:52,267 She all right? 28 00:01:52,267 --> 00:01:54,200 She was furious! 29 00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:56,501 I was upstairs. 30 00:01:56,501 --> 00:01:59,033 So, I'm just guessing 31 00:01:59,033 --> 00:02:01,634 there was an element of tension in this relationship. 32 00:02:01,634 --> 00:02:04,267 Well, she had a big problem with jealousy, 33 00:02:04,267 --> 00:02:07,234 and her mother kept on sort of flirting with me. 34 00:02:07,234 --> 00:02:08,968 Her mother? 35 00:02:08,968 --> 00:02:11,467 So it was her mother's fault, then? 36 00:02:11,467 --> 00:02:12,601 Exactly, yeah. 37 00:02:12,601 --> 00:02:13,968 In fairness to her mother, 38 00:02:13,968 --> 00:02:15,501 if it hadn't been for her, 39 00:02:15,501 --> 00:02:16,934 i wouldn't have been upstairs. 40 00:02:19,634 --> 00:02:21,701 So what came through your door, then? 41 00:02:22,701 --> 00:02:24,033 Susan: Koreans! 42 00:02:24,033 --> 00:02:25,367 What? 43 00:02:25,367 --> 00:02:28,067 We've got these koreans looking 'round the office today. 44 00:02:28,067 --> 00:02:30,834 It's really important, and i forgot. 45 00:02:30,834 --> 00:02:33,467 Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks! 46 00:02:33,467 --> 00:02:35,934 You know what it's like one year into a relationship. 47 00:02:35,934 --> 00:02:37,567 No. No. 48 00:02:37,567 --> 00:02:40,300 Well, try and imagine, then. 49 00:02:40,300 --> 00:02:42,300 One year into a relationship, 50 00:02:42,300 --> 00:02:44,834 what would be the most frightening thing 51 00:02:44,834 --> 00:02:46,601 that could land on your doormat? 52 00:03:02,567 --> 00:03:03,834 Noakes and Ellen. 53 00:03:03,834 --> 00:03:05,467 Good old noakes and Ellen. 54 00:03:05,467 --> 00:03:06,868 I'm pleased for them. 55 00:03:06,868 --> 00:03:09,000 Yeah, so am i. I'm pleased, too. 56 00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:10,467 Really pleased. Genuinely. 57 00:03:10,467 --> 00:03:12,033 For her. For both of them. 58 00:03:12,033 --> 00:03:13,801 Yeah. Absolutely. Pleased. 59 00:03:13,801 --> 00:03:15,467 Pleased, pleased, pleased. 60 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:19,033 ( sighs ) 61 00:03:19,033 --> 00:03:21,634 she's younger than us, isn't she? 62 00:03:21,634 --> 00:03:24,834 It wasn't, strictly speaking, her turn, no. 63 00:03:24,834 --> 00:03:28,767 God bless her. She's gone and bagged one. 64 00:03:28,767 --> 00:03:30,267 Little queue jumper. 65 00:03:33,133 --> 00:03:35,501 It's just-- exactly! 66 00:03:35,501 --> 00:03:37,200 I haven't said anything yet. 67 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:39,000 Doesn't matter, you're right. 68 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:40,601 It's just all those men out there 69 00:03:40,601 --> 00:03:42,033 marrying other women. 70 00:03:42,033 --> 00:03:43,834 How can we not take that personally? 71 00:03:43,834 --> 00:03:45,033 I know-- 72 00:03:45,033 --> 00:03:46,200 what's wrong with us? 73 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:47,667 What are all those men trying to say? 74 00:03:47,667 --> 00:03:49,167 Yeah, where are we going wrong? 75 00:03:49,167 --> 00:03:50,901 Are we supposed to hang around bars, 76 00:03:50,901 --> 00:03:53,200 shag every man in sight, get ourselves pregnant, 77 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:54,801 and then trap some poor loser 78 00:03:54,801 --> 00:03:57,701 into a lifetime of misery and heartbreak? 79 00:03:57,701 --> 00:03:59,300 Of course not. 80 00:03:59,300 --> 00:04:01,901 Okay, you suggest something. 81 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:05,934 So there it is-- 82 00:04:05,934 --> 00:04:07,968 a time bomb, 83 00:04:07,968 --> 00:04:12,334 putting thoughts into your long-term girlfriend's head! 84 00:04:12,334 --> 00:04:16,667 A bomb, just ticking away right there in my hand! 85 00:04:16,667 --> 00:04:19,000 Yeah, but you want to marry Susan, don't you? 86 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:20,901 Yeah, we'd pretty much written you off. 87 00:04:20,901 --> 00:04:22,634 Totally. 88 00:04:22,634 --> 00:04:24,601 Yeah, well, of course i want to. 89 00:04:24,601 --> 00:04:26,901 I don't want not to marry her. 90 00:04:26,901 --> 00:04:29,434 I don't want anyone else to marry her. 91 00:04:29,434 --> 00:04:31,667 It's like, you know... 92 00:04:31,667 --> 00:04:32,667 Eath. 93 00:04:32,667 --> 00:04:34,601 Death?! 94 00:04:34,601 --> 00:04:37,234 Yeah, you accept that it's coming, 95 00:04:37,234 --> 00:04:39,434 but you get kind of uncomfortable 96 00:04:39,434 --> 00:04:41,734 when people start talking dates. 97 00:04:43,167 --> 00:04:44,601 Okay, important thing-- 98 00:04:44,601 --> 00:04:47,234 when you told Susan about the invitation, 99 00:04:47,234 --> 00:04:49,767 could she tell what you were thinking? 100 00:04:49,767 --> 00:04:51,601 Did you give anything away? 101 00:04:51,601 --> 00:04:53,300 Um-- 102 00:04:53,300 --> 00:04:54,300 how bad? 103 00:04:55,667 --> 00:04:57,501 Well... 104 00:05:31,968 --> 00:05:33,334 What's that? 105 00:05:33,334 --> 00:05:34,434 Hmm? 106 00:05:36,234 --> 00:05:38,501 Oh, just a final demand. 107 00:05:38,501 --> 00:05:40,701 I mean, a wedding invitation. 108 00:05:42,033 --> 00:05:43,267 Right. 109 00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:48,901 ( bomb ticking ) 110 00:05:51,067 --> 00:05:53,267 whose? 111 00:05:53,267 --> 00:05:54,734 Noakes. 112 00:05:54,734 --> 00:05:56,267 Noakes and Ellen. 113 00:05:56,267 --> 00:05:58,400 Oh, great! 114 00:05:59,601 --> 00:06:01,901 How long have they been together? 115 00:06:01,901 --> 00:06:03,467 About the same time as us? 116 00:06:05,534 --> 00:06:08,100 ( ticking faster ) 117 00:06:08,100 --> 00:06:11,234 no, i think they've been going out longer than us. 118 00:06:11,234 --> 00:06:12,868 A lot longer, yeah. 119 00:06:12,868 --> 00:06:15,033 No... 120 00:06:15,033 --> 00:06:17,033 No, we were already together when they first went out. 121 00:06:17,033 --> 00:06:18,434 I'm sure of it. 122 00:06:18,434 --> 00:06:20,167 They started going out just after us. 123 00:06:20,167 --> 00:06:21,634 No, no. No. 124 00:06:21,634 --> 00:06:24,133 Now i remember. Definitely. 125 00:06:24,133 --> 00:06:26,033 We've been together longer. 126 00:06:31,834 --> 00:06:33,934 You were away for a month. 127 00:06:35,701 --> 00:06:38,300 Have you deducted that? What? 128 00:06:38,300 --> 00:06:40,467 You were out of the country for a month-- 129 00:06:40,467 --> 00:06:41,767 you've got to deduct that 130 00:06:41,767 --> 00:06:43,767 from the total time we've been together. 131 00:06:43,767 --> 00:06:45,901 What are you talking about? 132 00:06:45,901 --> 00:06:48,467 We dropped a month, that's all I'm saying. 133 00:06:48,467 --> 00:06:50,000 Does it matter? 134 00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:51,801 No, it doesn't matter. 135 00:06:51,801 --> 00:06:53,734 Who said it mattered? 136 00:06:59,434 --> 00:07:01,634 ( ticking faster ) 137 00:07:04,033 --> 00:07:06,901 and we go to bed earlier. 138 00:07:08,701 --> 00:07:10,667 I mean, you know what those two are like. 139 00:07:10,667 --> 00:07:13,934 Their average day is probably a good 5% longer than ours. 140 00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:16,267 It all adds up. What? 141 00:07:16,267 --> 00:07:18,367 5% per day, 142 00:07:18,367 --> 00:07:20,501 that's a significant difference, over time. 143 00:07:20,501 --> 00:07:23,501 Noakes and Ellen could well be ahead, in real terms. 144 00:07:23,501 --> 00:07:25,200 Steve, what are you on about? 145 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:26,734 Nothing. 146 00:07:28,567 --> 00:07:30,534 Just making conversation. 147 00:07:35,434 --> 00:07:37,868 Right, I've got to be off. 148 00:07:37,868 --> 00:07:39,534 I'll see you tonight. 149 00:07:39,534 --> 00:07:41,400 Oh, have you booked somewhere? Booked? 150 00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:43,968 Yeah. We said we'd go out tonight, remember? 151 00:07:43,968 --> 00:07:48,067 May the 12th. Our first anniversary. 152 00:07:48,067 --> 00:07:50,968 All right. Of--of course. 153 00:07:50,968 --> 00:07:53,367 It's a whole year since our first date. 154 00:07:53,367 --> 00:07:54,968 We should do something special. 155 00:07:54,968 --> 00:07:56,901 Special. 156 00:07:56,901 --> 00:07:58,767 Yes. 157 00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:04,567 ( siren blaring ) 158 00:08:07,501 --> 00:08:10,300 well... 159 00:08:10,300 --> 00:08:12,067 What do you think? 160 00:08:13,067 --> 00:08:14,334 Congratulations. 161 00:08:14,334 --> 00:08:16,067 She's a lovely girl. 162 00:08:16,067 --> 00:08:18,701 Oh, come on, it's not inevitable! 163 00:08:18,701 --> 00:08:21,334 It's just an anniversary dinner. 164 00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:22,734 I was looking for help here. 165 00:08:22,734 --> 00:08:24,834 I could phone you on your mobile 166 00:08:24,834 --> 00:08:26,000 and pretend there's an emergency. 167 00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:27,267 Then you could rush out. 168 00:08:27,267 --> 00:08:29,901 That's a bit over the top, Jeff. 169 00:08:29,901 --> 00:08:31,868 Over the top? 170 00:08:31,868 --> 00:08:34,033 Steve, you know what the sentence of death is, 171 00:08:34,033 --> 00:08:35,033 don't you? 172 00:08:35,033 --> 00:08:36,767 I don't mean the sentence of death 173 00:08:36,767 --> 00:08:38,267 like in executions and stuff, 174 00:08:38,267 --> 00:08:40,601 i mean the Scary one. 175 00:08:40,601 --> 00:08:42,601 The Scary one? 176 00:08:42,601 --> 00:08:44,467 Just five words, Steve, 177 00:08:44,467 --> 00:08:46,300 five little words-- 178 00:08:46,300 --> 00:08:49,267 "where is this relationship going?" 179 00:08:49,267 --> 00:08:51,434 Oh, that's it! That's the one! 180 00:08:51,434 --> 00:08:54,133 Those are the words you're gonna hear tonight! 181 00:08:54,133 --> 00:08:57,534 And once those words are out of her mouth, 182 00:08:57,534 --> 00:08:59,367 you can't put 'em back. 183 00:08:59,367 --> 00:09:03,834 Not once the cat of commitment is out of the bag of Susan. 184 00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:08,133 That's when you have to say good-bye forever. 185 00:09:08,133 --> 00:09:10,367 But how could i say that? 186 00:09:10,367 --> 00:09:13,267 There's a useful phrase i always fall back on-- 187 00:09:13,267 --> 00:09:15,634 "I'll phone you next week." 188 00:09:15,634 --> 00:09:17,868 But i don't want to lose her, 189 00:09:17,868 --> 00:09:21,000 i just don't want to... Confirm her. 190 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:23,067 You've been with Susan for a year now-- 191 00:09:23,067 --> 00:09:24,434 either you think you've got a future, 192 00:09:24,434 --> 00:09:26,901 or you should just get married. 193 00:09:28,734 --> 00:09:33,367 All right, phone me at half past nine. 194 00:09:33,367 --> 00:09:35,200 ( glass breaks ) 195 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,701 Patrick? What's wrong? 196 00:09:39,667 --> 00:09:41,334 Volkswagon. 197 00:09:41,334 --> 00:09:44,267 She's here?! It's her? 198 00:09:44,267 --> 00:09:46,634 Worse. Far worse. 199 00:09:50,267 --> 00:09:51,634 It's her mother! 200 00:09:53,801 --> 00:09:55,868 You know what i worry about? 201 00:09:55,868 --> 00:09:57,901 What if we're woodies? 202 00:09:57,901 --> 00:09:59,767 You know, not buzzes-- woodies. 203 00:09:59,767 --> 00:10:02,000 Is this some kind of weird new religious sect? 204 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:04,167 I hate it when i miss one. 205 00:10:04,167 --> 00:10:06,968 Oys, i think. Buzz light year-- from the movie. 206 00:10:06,968 --> 00:10:08,567 Oh, i love buzz! 207 00:10:08,567 --> 00:10:10,167 And Woody was the cowboy. 208 00:10:10,167 --> 00:10:12,367 You know, i voted buzz the cartoon character 209 00:10:12,367 --> 00:10:15,801 I'd most like to run a garden center with. 210 00:10:15,801 --> 00:10:18,067 In what? 211 00:10:18,067 --> 00:10:19,601 Oh, just my census form. 212 00:10:19,601 --> 00:10:23,200 There was this space for additional information-- 213 00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:25,033 i found i just couldn't stop. 214 00:10:25,033 --> 00:10:26,434 You surprise me. 215 00:10:26,434 --> 00:10:28,100 You know what i hated about that form, though? 216 00:10:28,100 --> 00:10:30,267 There was tiny little box you were supposed to tick 217 00:10:30,267 --> 00:10:31,501 for "single." 218 00:10:31,501 --> 00:10:34,734 There was no room for a full explanation! 219 00:10:34,734 --> 00:10:39,534 Anyway, all the kids got buzz for Christmas-- 220 00:10:39,534 --> 00:10:42,868 all those poor cowboys left on the shelf. 221 00:10:42,868 --> 00:10:47,501 We are woodies in the toy shop of romance. 222 00:10:47,501 --> 00:10:50,434 I really quite like being single. 223 00:10:50,434 --> 00:10:53,634 Except for the bit about not having a man. 224 00:10:53,634 --> 00:10:56,801 It's just sometimes i get a bit, you know... 225 00:10:56,801 --> 00:10:58,834 Tired of ticking that box? 226 00:10:58,834 --> 00:11:01,367 Well, it's no substitute, is it? 227 00:11:03,234 --> 00:11:06,033 I meant the box on the form, Jane. 228 00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:09,434 Oh, right. 229 00:11:09,434 --> 00:11:12,767 Look, I'd like stay here and be insane with you guys, 230 00:11:12,767 --> 00:11:14,767 but I'm gonna be late. What's tonight? 231 00:11:14,767 --> 00:11:16,167 Steve's taking me to dinner. 232 00:11:16,167 --> 00:11:17,567 It's our one-year anniversary. 233 00:11:17,567 --> 00:11:19,334 No! Is it? 234 00:11:19,334 --> 00:11:22,434 Oh, my God--I'll bet he's going to propose! 235 00:11:22,434 --> 00:11:23,501 I don't know about that. 236 00:11:23,501 --> 00:11:24,767 This is so exciting! 237 00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:27,067 Sally, i really don't-- oh, my God! 238 00:11:27,067 --> 00:11:28,701 You're gonna be a buzz-- 239 00:11:28,701 --> 00:11:30,567 I'll still be a Woody, and you'll be a buzz! 240 00:11:30,567 --> 00:11:32,934 I think you're getting ahead of yourself. 241 00:11:32,934 --> 00:11:34,200 You're my best friend, 242 00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:35,667 you're my main excuse person. 243 00:11:35,667 --> 00:11:37,200 Your main what? 244 00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:38,400 Excuse person-- 245 00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:40,534 you know, "I'm still not married, 246 00:11:40,534 --> 00:11:42,534 but that's okay because Susan's still not married." 247 00:11:42,534 --> 00:11:44,100 That's what i keep saying to myself-- 248 00:11:44,100 --> 00:11:45,667 it's the only way i can get to sleep. 249 00:11:45,667 --> 00:11:49,200 Sally, you are seriously overreacting. 250 00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:51,334 I keep going to other people's weddings, 251 00:11:51,334 --> 00:11:53,467 I'm getting more and more single. 252 00:11:53,467 --> 00:11:55,167 If one more friend gets married, 253 00:11:55,167 --> 00:11:56,801 I'll be a lesbian! 254 00:11:58,267 --> 00:12:01,601 Did you know your nose keeps growing all your life? 255 00:12:01,601 --> 00:12:03,300 If i don't get married soon, 256 00:12:03,300 --> 00:12:05,534 they're gonna have to cut a hole in the veil! 257 00:12:07,934 --> 00:12:11,534 Sally, Steve isn't the type to suddenly propose. 258 00:12:11,534 --> 00:12:13,334 Absolutely. 259 00:12:13,334 --> 00:12:15,067 There's no chance of that at all. 260 00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:17,667 It's highly unlikely. 261 00:12:17,667 --> 00:12:19,400 It's completely impossible. 262 00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:22,000 I really don't think it's gonna happen tonight. 263 00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:23,734 I'm 100% certain it won't. 264 00:12:23,734 --> 00:12:25,567 Look, Steve and i have an understanding! 265 00:12:25,567 --> 00:12:29,200 Sorry, i didn't mean to-- you didn't mean to what? 266 00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:30,801 Sorry, is Susan being reassured now? 267 00:12:30,801 --> 00:12:32,901 We've done you. 268 00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:36,167 I'm sorry, Susan. 269 00:12:36,167 --> 00:12:38,667 It's just Steve and i went out for 5 1/2 years. 270 00:12:38,667 --> 00:12:40,567 When you get to know him as well as i do, you might-- 271 00:12:40,567 --> 00:12:42,334 excuse me-- when i what? 272 00:12:42,334 --> 00:12:44,267 You know what he's like. 273 00:12:44,267 --> 00:12:46,501 Yes, i do--i do know what he's like. 274 00:12:46,501 --> 00:12:47,801 What's he like? 275 00:12:47,801 --> 00:12:49,367 Well, you know-- 276 00:12:49,367 --> 00:12:51,434 Steve can't make decisions. 277 00:12:51,434 --> 00:12:54,300 Of course he can make decisions. 278 00:12:54,300 --> 00:12:56,067 Why can't he? 279 00:12:56,067 --> 00:12:57,868 I don't know. 280 00:12:57,868 --> 00:13:00,834 But look, he's completely different with you. 281 00:13:00,834 --> 00:13:03,801 He never really took me seriously, you know that. 282 00:13:03,801 --> 00:13:06,267 I was just like a sex object to him-- 283 00:13:06,267 --> 00:13:07,968 it was embarrassing. 284 00:13:07,968 --> 00:13:09,334 If i wore the wrong dress, 285 00:13:09,334 --> 00:13:11,467 he'd have to keep his legs crossed all evening. 286 00:13:11,467 --> 00:13:13,567 I'm sure he's never like that with you. 287 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:17,501 Really--are you? 288 00:13:17,501 --> 00:13:19,968 It's only that i went out with him for so long-- 289 00:13:19,968 --> 00:13:22,100 i got really good at getting him all worked up. 290 00:13:22,100 --> 00:13:23,133 You will, too. 291 00:13:23,133 --> 00:13:26,300 You must give me some tips sometime. 292 00:13:26,300 --> 00:13:29,467 Well, always keep your breasts mobile, 293 00:13:29,467 --> 00:13:31,868 and keep an open mind on the subject of uniforms. 294 00:13:31,868 --> 00:13:33,801 Oh, and every time you see an attractive woman, 295 00:13:33,801 --> 00:13:36,667 say, "ooh, i could just eat her up." 296 00:13:38,133 --> 00:13:39,634 Eat her up?! 297 00:13:39,634 --> 00:13:41,567 Steve really loves that lesbian stuff, 298 00:13:41,567 --> 00:13:42,801 trust me. 299 00:13:42,801 --> 00:13:45,334 It's pretty easy to get a response out of Steve, 300 00:13:45,334 --> 00:13:46,501 long as you hit the right notes. 301 00:13:46,501 --> 00:13:49,067 It's like snake-charming. 302 00:13:49,067 --> 00:13:51,234 Personally speaking, 303 00:13:51,234 --> 00:13:53,567 I'm not in the habit of charming snakes-- 304 00:13:53,567 --> 00:13:55,634 i just try to be polite to you. 305 00:14:04,100 --> 00:14:07,200 Well, i think i got out of that okay. 306 00:14:35,167 --> 00:14:36,767 Oh, hi. Um... 307 00:14:36,767 --> 00:14:39,934 Could i have a bottle of... 308 00:14:39,934 --> 00:14:41,334 Champagne, please? 309 00:14:41,334 --> 00:14:42,901 Yes, of course. 310 00:14:42,901 --> 00:14:44,968 I'm going to have to ask you to turn off your mobile, sir. 311 00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:47,767 You see, I've got this really urgent-- 312 00:14:47,767 --> 00:14:49,901 dying relative. 313 00:14:49,901 --> 00:14:51,634 You could leave the phone at reception, 314 00:14:51,634 --> 00:14:52,767 we could come and get you. 315 00:14:52,767 --> 00:14:54,200 Could you, please? 316 00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:55,834 Don't even answer it. 317 00:14:55,834 --> 00:14:58,234 Just come and get me straightaway. 318 00:14:58,234 --> 00:14:59,267 No problem. 319 00:14:59,267 --> 00:15:02,033 Sorry about this. 320 00:15:02,033 --> 00:15:03,567 Well, it's just that 321 00:15:03,567 --> 00:15:05,767 it's someone really important to me, 322 00:15:05,767 --> 00:15:07,334 and I'm worried 323 00:15:07,334 --> 00:15:08,734 they're not going to last the evening. 324 00:15:08,734 --> 00:15:11,267 I'm sorry to hear that, sir. 325 00:15:11,267 --> 00:15:12,868 I'll get your champagne. 326 00:15:21,467 --> 00:15:23,434 Looking our way? 327 00:15:23,434 --> 00:15:24,734 Yep. 328 00:15:24,734 --> 00:15:26,934 And she's got the exit covered. 329 00:15:26,934 --> 00:15:28,400 Still? 330 00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:32,033 Well, there's quite a lot of her. 331 00:15:32,033 --> 00:15:33,801 It was ten years ago, okay? 332 00:15:33,801 --> 00:15:35,234 ( stifles laugh ) 333 00:15:35,234 --> 00:15:37,100 what was her daughter like? I can't remember. 334 00:15:37,100 --> 00:15:39,634 The volkswagon kind of blocked everything out. 335 00:15:39,634 --> 00:15:41,834 You could make a run for it-- 336 00:15:41,834 --> 00:15:43,534 maybe she won't remember you. 337 00:15:43,534 --> 00:15:45,767 Ha! Trust me, she'll remember. 338 00:15:45,767 --> 00:15:47,400 They always remember. 339 00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:50,667 I went to the cinema with this girl once-- 340 00:15:50,667 --> 00:15:53,300 she forgot me while we were still there. 341 00:15:53,300 --> 00:15:55,167 Yeah? 342 00:15:55,167 --> 00:15:58,033 She went to the loo, came back, 343 00:15:58,033 --> 00:15:59,834 and sat with someone else. 344 00:15:59,834 --> 00:16:03,033 She probably just couldn't find you. 345 00:16:03,033 --> 00:16:04,601 Yeah, that's what she said. 346 00:16:05,934 --> 00:16:08,467 No, hang on-- it was a restaurant. 347 00:16:09,868 --> 00:16:13,000 Okay, we have a launch window, we're cleared for takeoff! 348 00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:14,634 Go! Go! Go! 349 00:16:19,367 --> 00:16:21,200 Oh, sorry. Excuse me. 350 00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:23,033 You're okay! Come on, let's go! 351 00:16:23,033 --> 00:16:24,367 But-- 352 00:16:24,367 --> 00:16:27,367 but--that's not possible! 353 00:16:27,367 --> 00:16:29,667 How can she not remember me? 354 00:16:29,667 --> 00:16:32,100 She's overweight! 355 00:16:32,100 --> 00:16:33,501 Come on! 356 00:16:33,501 --> 00:16:35,100 No, I'm gonna try something here. 357 00:16:35,100 --> 00:16:36,767 Patrick-- 358 00:16:38,133 --> 00:16:40,133 ( coughs ) 359 00:17:01,334 --> 00:17:02,934 excuse me. 360 00:17:02,934 --> 00:17:06,100 I'm sorry, but i know you, don't i? 361 00:17:06,100 --> 00:17:08,267 Yes! Yes, you do! 362 00:17:08,267 --> 00:17:10,434 I mean, yes, yes, 363 00:17:10,434 --> 00:17:12,667 I'm, uh, I'm afraid so. 364 00:17:12,667 --> 00:17:14,367 Of course. 365 00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:15,968 You see? I told you. 366 00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:17,267 Time to face the music. 367 00:17:17,267 --> 00:17:19,968 Can i just say to start with 368 00:17:19,968 --> 00:17:22,334 how very, very sorry i am. 369 00:17:22,334 --> 00:17:24,434 Please, i should be apologizing-- 370 00:17:24,434 --> 00:17:26,734 i should have remembered you straightaway. 371 00:17:26,734 --> 00:17:28,868 Everybody, this is wilf. 372 00:17:32,033 --> 00:17:34,634 Wilf used to be my cleaner. 373 00:17:34,634 --> 00:17:36,300 Didn't you, wilf? 374 00:17:36,300 --> 00:17:38,100 Um... 375 00:17:38,100 --> 00:17:40,801 What, about ten years ago? 376 00:17:40,801 --> 00:17:42,167 Well, i-- 377 00:17:42,167 --> 00:17:43,701 so... 378 00:17:43,701 --> 00:17:45,467 You still cleaning? 379 00:17:45,467 --> 00:17:47,067 Oh, yeah. 380 00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:48,634 Yes, he is, cleaning away. 381 00:17:48,634 --> 00:17:51,000 Are you wilf's new boyfriend? 382 00:17:54,701 --> 00:17:58,701 Yes. Yes, i am. 383 00:17:58,701 --> 00:18:01,133 Well, please, won't you join us? 384 00:18:01,133 --> 00:18:04,133 Aw, we'd love to, wouldn't we, darling? 385 00:18:06,868 --> 00:18:08,868 I'll get you a chair. 386 00:18:08,868 --> 00:18:11,400 Oh, no thanks. I'd rather stand. 387 00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:12,701 Blame wilf. 388 00:18:28,968 --> 00:18:30,901 Sorry I'm late. 389 00:18:32,901 --> 00:18:34,667 Th-that's okay. 390 00:18:34,667 --> 00:18:36,534 Should have called. 391 00:18:36,534 --> 00:18:40,934 They took my phone away. It's at the front desk. 392 00:18:40,934 --> 00:18:42,234 Oh, really? 393 00:18:42,234 --> 00:18:44,367 Well, you know, 394 00:18:44,367 --> 00:18:46,234 phones can be a bit irritating 395 00:18:46,234 --> 00:18:48,133 when you're trying to eat a bra-- 396 00:18:48,133 --> 00:18:49,434 uh, meal! 397 00:18:49,434 --> 00:18:50,868 Not a bra, a meal. 398 00:18:50,868 --> 00:18:52,767 Did i say "bra"? 399 00:18:52,767 --> 00:18:54,300 ( panting ) sorry. Sorry. 400 00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:56,534 No, no, no-- that's okay. 401 00:18:56,534 --> 00:18:58,267 I imagine you'll have to stay behind there 402 00:18:58,267 --> 00:18:59,868 with your legs crossed for a bit. 403 00:18:59,868 --> 00:19:02,467 No, no, I'm fine. 404 00:19:06,033 --> 00:19:08,968 She's quite irritating, Susan, isn't she? 405 00:19:08,968 --> 00:19:10,868 Yeah. 406 00:19:10,868 --> 00:19:13,801 Steve's quite irritating, too, though. 407 00:19:13,801 --> 00:19:15,567 Yeah. 408 00:19:15,567 --> 00:19:17,200 Belong together, probably. 409 00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:18,701 Yeah. 410 00:19:19,701 --> 00:19:21,234 Which is quite... 411 00:19:21,234 --> 00:19:23,434 Irritating. 412 00:19:23,434 --> 00:19:25,801 Yeah. 413 00:19:27,467 --> 00:19:31,100 Think they'll get it together-- permanently. 414 00:19:31,100 --> 00:19:33,000 Do you know what i used to do 415 00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:35,133 when i first split up from Steve? 416 00:19:35,133 --> 00:19:37,367 I'd just phone him and just say nothing, 417 00:19:37,367 --> 00:19:39,400 just leave a long silence. 418 00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:41,501 He'd get so wound up! 419 00:19:41,501 --> 00:19:42,734 Why did you do that? 420 00:19:42,734 --> 00:19:44,934 Just to ruin his evening-- 421 00:19:44,934 --> 00:19:46,834 he's an ex. 422 00:19:46,834 --> 00:19:49,167 You don't want him back, though, do you? 423 00:19:49,167 --> 00:19:51,501 Oh, no, not at all. 424 00:19:51,501 --> 00:19:54,067 I'd be pleased if Susan and Steve 425 00:19:54,067 --> 00:19:55,234 made it permanent. 426 00:19:55,234 --> 00:19:57,033 I'd be pleased, too. 427 00:19:57,033 --> 00:19:58,567 Absolutely pleased. 428 00:19:58,567 --> 00:19:59,968 Totally pleased. 429 00:20:02,133 --> 00:20:05,400 She's six months younger then me, you know. 430 00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:09,767 Always has been, probably always will be. 431 00:20:09,767 --> 00:20:12,334 I bet Steve's got his mobile on him. 432 00:20:12,334 --> 00:20:16,801 Six months after i die, then she'll catch up. 433 00:20:16,801 --> 00:20:19,400 Of course, then I'll be dead, 434 00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:22,033 so she'll still have the edge. 435 00:20:22,033 --> 00:20:24,534 He always has his mobile. 436 00:20:28,067 --> 00:20:30,267 You wouldn't do that, though, would you? 437 00:20:30,267 --> 00:20:32,567 Not if you thought they belonged together. 438 00:20:41,834 --> 00:20:43,367 Wilf. 439 00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:46,200 I ask you-- wilf! 440 00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:48,033 Don't worry about it, mate. 441 00:20:48,033 --> 00:20:51,801 She's probably got some kind of memory problem. 442 00:20:51,801 --> 00:20:55,000 Yeah. Yeah, she probably has. 443 00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:58,033 So what do you think, shall i phone him? 444 00:20:58,033 --> 00:21:00,167 You said you would, didn't you? 445 00:21:00,167 --> 00:21:01,534 Yeah. 446 00:21:03,367 --> 00:21:07,033 Susan's nice-- he could do worse. Yeah. 447 00:21:07,033 --> 00:21:09,133 And he doesn't want to end up like you. 448 00:21:09,133 --> 00:21:11,000 What? Forgotten. 449 00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:12,767 You said she had a memory problem! 450 00:21:12,767 --> 00:21:14,200 Yeah, right. 451 00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:17,267 We're off now. Just thought I'd say good-bye. 452 00:21:17,267 --> 00:21:18,534 Yeah, whatever. 453 00:21:18,534 --> 00:21:20,000 Lovely to meet you, Jeff. 454 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:22,901 And very lovely to see you again, Patrick. 455 00:21:25,868 --> 00:21:27,534 Hang on! 456 00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:32,267 You called me Patrick. 457 00:21:32,267 --> 00:21:35,868 You didn't really think I'd forgotten you, did you? 458 00:21:35,868 --> 00:21:39,067 I just felt entitled to a little revenge. H. 459 00:21:39,067 --> 00:21:41,167 Mother and daughter, Patrick. 460 00:21:41,167 --> 00:21:42,667 That was very naughty, wasn't it? 461 00:21:42,667 --> 00:21:45,701 We were really upset, you know. 462 00:21:45,701 --> 00:21:47,467 Well, i really am very, very sorry. 463 00:21:47,467 --> 00:21:50,701 Well, i had my fun tonight. 464 00:21:50,701 --> 00:21:52,534 Guess we'll call it quits, eh? 465 00:21:52,534 --> 00:21:53,701 Thank you. 466 00:21:53,701 --> 00:21:56,567 Good-bye, Patrick. 467 00:21:56,567 --> 00:21:59,601 Oh, and send my apologies to your daughter, as well. 468 00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:04,367 What? 469 00:22:04,367 --> 00:22:06,868 I am the daughter! 470 00:22:15,901 --> 00:22:17,834 Thank you. 471 00:22:21,767 --> 00:22:24,100 It's really nice here. Well chosen. 472 00:22:24,100 --> 00:22:26,167 Yeah, it's not bad, is it? 473 00:22:26,167 --> 00:22:27,934 It's lovely. 474 00:22:30,501 --> 00:22:32,267 Tell you what else... 475 00:22:32,267 --> 00:22:34,534 I could eat the waitresses. 476 00:22:36,834 --> 00:22:38,167 I'm sorry? 477 00:22:38,167 --> 00:22:42,133 The waitresses-- i could eat them all up. 478 00:22:42,133 --> 00:22:45,501 We can order straightaway if you're hungry. 479 00:22:45,501 --> 00:22:47,667 No, no, no-- 480 00:22:47,667 --> 00:22:50,868 i just mean the waitresses are all very lovely. 481 00:22:50,868 --> 00:22:53,934 I could eat them all up. 482 00:22:53,934 --> 00:22:58,400 In a big bowl... With their uniforms. 483 00:22:58,400 --> 00:23:00,334 I'll get you some bread. 484 00:23:00,334 --> 00:23:01,901 No, no, no! 485 00:23:01,901 --> 00:23:03,400 I just mean eat them all up 486 00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:05,434 in a lesbian sort of a way. 487 00:23:05,434 --> 00:23:08,801 Lesbians don't eat people, Susan! 488 00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:12,667 I know, i know. 489 00:23:12,667 --> 00:23:14,434 Is something wrong? 490 00:23:16,767 --> 00:23:18,934 Jane told me about her dresses. 491 00:23:18,934 --> 00:23:21,434 Her dresses? Yes, her dresses. 492 00:23:21,434 --> 00:23:25,133 And that makes you want to devour the catering staff? 493 00:23:25,133 --> 00:23:26,968 She told me that sometimes she'd wear a dress 494 00:23:26,968 --> 00:23:29,868 and that you'd get all...excited-- 495 00:23:29,868 --> 00:23:32,234 legs-crossed excited. 496 00:23:33,334 --> 00:23:35,400 I suppose i did. So? 497 00:23:37,133 --> 00:23:39,033 Oh! 498 00:23:41,601 --> 00:23:44,234 Are you being insecure? 499 00:23:44,234 --> 00:23:48,367 I've never seen you being insecure before. 500 00:23:48,367 --> 00:23:51,467 Well, you try having a gorgeous, sexy ex-girlfriend 501 00:23:51,467 --> 00:23:54,234 wafting about the place, being all bisexual. 502 00:23:54,234 --> 00:23:55,567 That'll do the trick. 503 00:23:55,567 --> 00:23:59,067 You can't take that excitement seriously, 504 00:23:59,067 --> 00:24:00,968 you know what men are like. 505 00:24:00,968 --> 00:24:03,267 I mean, that could happen anytime, anywhere. 506 00:24:04,801 --> 00:24:07,334 Okay, then. Make it happen now. 507 00:24:07,334 --> 00:24:08,934 What? 508 00:24:08,934 --> 00:24:11,834 You did it for Jane, you can do it for me. 509 00:24:11,834 --> 00:24:13,234 On you go, then. 510 00:24:13,234 --> 00:24:15,067 I can't just switch it on! 511 00:24:15,067 --> 00:24:16,634 It's not like an emergency dinghy, 512 00:24:16,634 --> 00:24:18,634 i don't pull a rip-cord! 513 00:24:18,634 --> 00:24:22,534 Anytime, anywhere, you said. 514 00:24:22,534 --> 00:24:24,133 Normally i get some help. 515 00:24:24,133 --> 00:24:26,234 This isn't exactly sex talk, is it? 516 00:24:26,234 --> 00:24:28,000 I can do sex talk! 517 00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:29,701 I never said you couldn't. 518 00:24:33,133 --> 00:24:34,434 Nipples. 519 00:24:35,467 --> 00:24:37,033 What? 520 00:24:38,767 --> 00:24:41,734 Nipples--they're good. 521 00:24:41,734 --> 00:24:43,934 Yes, thank you, 522 00:24:43,934 --> 00:24:45,868 nipples are...good. 523 00:24:45,868 --> 00:24:47,834 Did that help? 524 00:24:47,834 --> 00:24:51,501 There's a fine line between sex talk 525 00:24:51,501 --> 00:24:53,767 and just mentioning body parts. 526 00:24:53,767 --> 00:24:55,934 So you're saying that Jane can do this 527 00:24:55,934 --> 00:24:58,067 and i can't. I didn't say that! 528 00:24:58,067 --> 00:25:00,834 I can do anything Jane does-- i can do tricks! 529 00:25:00,834 --> 00:25:02,300 I can move my breasts! 530 00:25:02,300 --> 00:25:04,534 Oh, my God--can you?! Please, don't! 531 00:25:04,534 --> 00:25:08,133 I don't mean i can pop them 'round the back or something-- 532 00:25:08,133 --> 00:25:10,033 thank you for that image-- 533 00:25:10,033 --> 00:25:12,601 Scary place in my head now! 534 00:25:12,601 --> 00:25:15,133 Oh, for God's sake! 535 00:25:18,467 --> 00:25:20,367 That would be your foot. 536 00:25:20,367 --> 00:25:22,167 Yes, it would. 537 00:25:22,167 --> 00:25:24,367 What's it doing? 538 00:25:26,067 --> 00:25:28,801 Just checking on progress. 539 00:25:28,801 --> 00:25:30,501 Can we just forget about this? 540 00:25:30,501 --> 00:25:32,300 Can we just have a nice meal? 541 00:25:32,300 --> 00:25:33,834 Come on, Susan, move your foot! 542 00:25:33,834 --> 00:25:35,968 Ooh! 543 00:25:35,968 --> 00:25:38,434 That's not exactly what i had in mind. 544 00:25:38,434 --> 00:25:40,100 ( panting ) 545 00:25:40,100 --> 00:25:44,501 oh, now, that's-- that's clever. 546 00:25:44,501 --> 00:25:47,234 Working a zipper with your foot, 547 00:25:47,234 --> 00:25:49,167 that's--that's quite impressive. 548 00:25:49,167 --> 00:25:51,033 Could Jane do that? 549 00:25:51,033 --> 00:25:55,234 Don't--don't think it ever came uuuuupppp! 550 00:25:57,868 --> 00:26:00,968 You--you know, if this is some kind of revenge thing, 551 00:26:00,968 --> 00:26:05,000 I'm...kind of okay with it. 552 00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:08,367 Oh, this isn't the revenge part. 553 00:26:08,367 --> 00:26:10,234 This is. 554 00:26:10,234 --> 00:26:12,467 Excuse me. 555 00:26:12,467 --> 00:26:14,667 ( to waitress ) hi. 556 00:26:14,667 --> 00:26:16,567 Can you tell us the specials, please? 557 00:26:16,567 --> 00:26:18,033 Of course, yes. 558 00:26:18,033 --> 00:26:20,300 We've got duck with an orange-- 559 00:26:20,300 --> 00:26:21,567 ohhhhh! 560 00:26:21,567 --> 00:26:23,334 Unhh! Hh! 561 00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:30,234 I... really like duck! 562 00:26:32,534 --> 00:26:34,601 And, uh, steak-- 563 00:26:34,601 --> 00:26:36,234 whoo! 564 00:26:37,434 --> 00:26:38,834 S-steak, eh? 565 00:26:38,834 --> 00:26:41,634 Steak, steak, steak! 566 00:26:41,634 --> 00:26:43,634 Wait till you get to the sweets-- 567 00:26:43,634 --> 00:26:45,200 he'll really blow his top, 568 00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:46,267 i promise you. 569 00:26:46,267 --> 00:26:47,467 Susan, please! 570 00:26:47,467 --> 00:26:49,334 How's this comparing to Jane's dresses? 571 00:26:49,334 --> 00:26:52,000 At least i get to stay hidden this time. 572 00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:55,167 Excuse me, sir. Your telephone's ringing. 573 00:26:55,167 --> 00:26:57,100 What? 574 00:26:57,100 --> 00:26:59,334 The, uh, urgent matter. 575 00:27:01,100 --> 00:27:03,100 Oh, well, never mind, then. 576 00:27:03,100 --> 00:27:04,601 I'm sorry? 577 00:27:04,601 --> 00:27:06,567 He'll keep. 578 00:27:07,968 --> 00:27:09,968 For a while. 579 00:27:09,968 --> 00:27:11,968 Not that that's any great consolation 580 00:27:11,968 --> 00:27:13,300 at this moment, of course. 581 00:27:13,300 --> 00:27:15,033 Can i help you up? 582 00:27:15,033 --> 00:27:17,300 Actually, I'm in the middle of an urgent intimate moment-- 583 00:27:17,300 --> 00:27:18,734 that's okay, darling. 584 00:27:18,734 --> 00:27:19,767 If you've got an urgent call, 585 00:27:19,767 --> 00:27:21,267 you'd better take it. 586 00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:25,567 Right. 587 00:27:26,767 --> 00:27:28,067 Yes. 588 00:27:28,067 --> 00:27:29,367 Uh... 589 00:27:29,367 --> 00:27:32,300 I'll just take the wine list with me. 590 00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:36,000 In case i need something to read. 591 00:27:49,501 --> 00:27:51,501 ( ringing ) 592 00:27:51,501 --> 00:27:54,133 Jeff, i know that was my idea, 593 00:27:54,133 --> 00:27:56,000 but it was absolutely the worst timing 594 00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:58,567 in the history of everything, ever! 595 00:27:58,567 --> 00:27:59,868 Jeff? 596 00:27:59,868 --> 00:28:01,434 Hello? 597 00:28:03,601 --> 00:28:05,534 Jane-- 598 00:28:05,534 --> 00:28:07,601 is that you? 599 00:28:07,601 --> 00:28:09,334 Jane, if that's you, 600 00:28:09,334 --> 00:28:12,501 could you once and for all just get over it? 601 00:28:12,501 --> 00:28:16,133 Susan is the woman I'm going to marry. 602 00:28:17,601 --> 00:28:19,634 Jane? 603 00:28:23,767 --> 00:28:28,000 In every possible sense of the word... 604 00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:29,534 Gotcha. 605 00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:37,000 * if you can't make your mind up * 606 00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:42,634 * we'll never get started * 607 00:28:42,634 --> 00:28:45,901 * and i don't wanna wind up * 608 00:28:45,901 --> 00:28:51,467 * bein' parted, broken-hearted * 609 00:28:51,467 --> 00:28:55,267 * so if you really love me * 610 00:28:55,267 --> 00:28:59,634 * say yes, and please don't tell me * 611 00:28:59,634 --> 00:29:03,567 * perhaps, perhaps, perhaps **