1
00:00:04,168 --> 00:00:05,367
Susan!
2
00:00:05,433 --> 00:00:07,168
What?
3
00:00:10,567 --> 00:00:11,634
Where are you going?
4
00:00:11,700 --> 00:00:13,867
It's up to you.
5
00:00:23,767 --> 00:00:25,767
**
6
00:00:31,001 --> 00:00:34,367
* you won't admit you love me *
7
00:00:34,433 --> 00:00:36,234
* and so *
8
00:00:36,300 --> 00:00:38,934
* how am i ever *
9
00:00:39,001 --> 00:00:40,667
* to know? *
10
00:00:40,734 --> 00:00:43,234
* you always tell me *
11
00:00:43,300 --> 00:00:46,967
* perhaps, perhaps, perhaps *
12
00:00:48,067 --> 00:00:49,268
* perhaps *
13
00:00:50,268 --> 00:00:51,367
* perhaps *
14
00:00:52,467 --> 00:00:53,967
* perhaps *
15
00:00:56,534 --> 00:00:58,333
Susan!
16
00:01:02,567 --> 00:01:04,034
What?
17
00:01:05,634 --> 00:01:06,867
What?
18
00:01:08,300 --> 00:01:09,967
You know.
19
00:01:10,034 --> 00:01:15,134
No...i don't.
20
00:02:17,901 --> 00:02:20,034
I was just wrong.
21
00:02:20,101 --> 00:02:22,934
Wrong about everything.
22
00:02:23,001 --> 00:02:26,534
Since you left me,
I've come to see the point
23
00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:30,634
of cut flowers
and very small picture frames,
24
00:02:30,700 --> 00:02:33,201
and relatives.
25
00:02:33,268 --> 00:02:37,067
I'm thinking of owning more
than one bar of soap at a time
26
00:02:37,134 --> 00:02:39,168
and buying another towel.
27
00:02:39,234 --> 00:02:42,567
And the stands to put
the toilet roll on.
28
00:02:42,634 --> 00:02:46,600
And toilet roll, even when
I've got a newspaper.
29
00:02:48,934 --> 00:02:50,901
I now realize
that my playstation
30
00:02:50,967 --> 00:02:54,300
is a complete waste
of my life...
31
00:02:54,367 --> 00:02:57,001
And that a lack
of realistic Gore
32
00:02:57,067 --> 00:03:00,667
is not a sensible criticism
of chess.
33
00:03:02,567 --> 00:03:05,767
I absolutely promise
to abandon
34
00:03:05,834 --> 00:03:09,101
all of my disgusting
sexual deviances
35
00:03:09,168 --> 00:03:14,134
like lesbian porn,
mariella frostrup...
36
00:03:14,201 --> 00:03:16,834
And talking
to other women.
37
00:03:19,934 --> 00:03:21,700
Susan...
38
00:03:21,767 --> 00:03:24,201
Please...
39
00:03:26,567 --> 00:03:29,034
( voice cracking )
just take me back.
40
00:03:36,168 --> 00:03:39,834
I found someone new,
someone better.
41
00:03:39,901 --> 00:03:43,867
Someone who's gonna satisfy me
in a way you never could,
42
00:03:43,934 --> 00:03:46,834
you sad,
pathetic little man.
43
00:03:46,901 --> 00:03:49,534
And I'm gonna
make you watch.
44
00:03:51,634 --> 00:03:53,034
Hello, mariella.
45
00:03:53,101 --> 00:03:54,367
Hello, Susan.
46
00:03:54,433 --> 00:03:56,600
Are you wearing
really small pants?
47
00:03:56,667 --> 00:03:59,400
Oh, i always wear
really small pants.
48
00:03:59,467 --> 00:04:00,400
Me, too.
49
00:04:00,467 --> 00:04:02,333
Mine are
absolutely tiny.
50
00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:04,634
You could swallow
my entire pants collection
51
00:04:04,700 --> 00:04:06,700
with one sip of water.
52
00:04:06,767 --> 00:04:08,567
Could i? Thanks.
53
00:04:09,801 --> 00:04:12,400
Oh, look,
there's Gail Porter.
54
00:04:15,867 --> 00:04:17,001
Let's have
a foam party.
55
00:04:17,067 --> 00:04:18,201
Hi, Gail.
56
00:04:18,268 --> 00:04:21,101
Are you wearing
really tiny pants?
57
00:04:21,168 --> 00:04:23,367
Jeff: Excellent!
58
00:04:25,333 --> 00:04:27,534
Why do you always turn up
in these dreams?
59
00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:30,734
It's a gift.
60
00:04:32,767 --> 00:04:35,134
Watch out,
mariella's losing power.
61
00:04:37,134 --> 00:04:38,767
perhaps, perhaps *
62
00:04:38,834 --> 00:04:40,001
leave now forever!
63
00:04:40,067 --> 00:04:41,067
Susan, i--
64
00:04:41,134 --> 00:04:42,567
and take your
pathetic collection
65
00:04:42,634 --> 00:04:44,967
of dirty videos
with you!
66
00:04:47,567 --> 00:04:49,300
Excellent!
67
00:04:50,333 --> 00:04:52,001
What are you
doing here?
68
00:04:52,067 --> 00:04:53,967
Spooky, isn't it?
69
00:05:34,700 --> 00:05:37,367
Am i really supposed
to be reading this?
70
00:05:37,433 --> 00:05:39,600
No, you're supposed
to send it to Steve.
71
00:05:41,734 --> 00:05:43,001
Why?
72
00:05:43,067 --> 00:05:45,867
You've always got to send a man
a book when you split up
73
00:05:45,934 --> 00:05:48,367
to prove how you're
a caring, giving person
74
00:05:48,433 --> 00:05:51,967
and how they're gonna die alone
in a pit of their own filth.
75
00:05:54,001 --> 00:05:56,367
bridge
across destiny.
76
00:05:56,433 --> 00:05:59,934
It's about soul mates,
fate, and why men are rubbish.
77
00:06:01,534 --> 00:06:02,667
Are you okay?
78
00:06:02,734 --> 00:06:04,834
Yeah, i-I'm fine.
79
00:06:05,867 --> 00:06:07,067
Ow to heal a man.
80
00:06:07,134 --> 00:06:08,168
That one's very useful.
81
00:06:08,234 --> 00:06:09,901
It clarifies
to even the happiest man
82
00:06:09,967 --> 00:06:11,667
that, actually,
he's miserable.
83
00:06:11,734 --> 00:06:13,101
Kill,
kill the dogs!
84
00:06:13,168 --> 00:06:14,201
Kill,
kill, kill!
85
00:06:14,268 --> 00:06:16,168
( gunshots,
dog groaning )
86
00:06:16,234 --> 00:06:18,634
weren't you supposed
to be getting some wine?
87
00:06:18,700 --> 00:06:20,734
It tells men the right things
to be happy about
88
00:06:20,801 --> 00:06:23,134
instead of sport
and having fun.
89
00:06:23,201 --> 00:06:25,101
Wine!
90
00:06:25,168 --> 00:06:26,700
Now make her
do the crawl action.
91
00:06:26,767 --> 00:06:28,201
She doesn't
need to crawl.
92
00:06:28,268 --> 00:06:29,467
Trust me.
93
00:06:31,234 --> 00:06:33,268
( chuckles )
94
00:06:33,333 --> 00:06:35,134
wow!
95
00:06:39,001 --> 00:06:40,168
( rings briefly )
96
00:06:42,201 --> 00:06:43,934
Sally: Susan?
97
00:06:48,667 --> 00:06:51,234
Patrick:
Phoning Susan?
98
00:06:51,300 --> 00:06:52,700
Wasn't quite ready.
99
00:06:52,767 --> 00:06:54,801
Jeff: Yeah,
i hate phoning.
100
00:06:54,867 --> 00:06:57,333
You never know
who's gonna answer.
101
00:06:58,534 --> 00:06:59,634
What was that?
102
00:06:59,700 --> 00:07:00,734
Oh, nothing.
103
00:07:00,801 --> 00:07:02,134
But you do realize
you're supposed
104
00:07:02,201 --> 00:07:04,834
to phone
specific people, right?
105
00:07:04,901 --> 00:07:08,767
Yeah. But still,
you know what it's like.
106
00:07:08,834 --> 00:07:11,034
Sally: I thought
i heard the phone.
107
00:07:11,101 --> 00:07:14,234
It just sort
of...chirped.
108
00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:15,400
Chirped?
109
00:07:16,667 --> 00:07:18,101
You phone someone,
110
00:07:18,168 --> 00:07:20,201
someone you know
or a woman,
111
00:07:20,268 --> 00:07:24,734
and you don't know
what's going on.
112
00:07:25,934 --> 00:07:27,367
A chirp, eh?
113
00:07:27,433 --> 00:07:29,634
There's nothing
to analyze here, Sally.
114
00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:31,268
Jeff: You're just
suddenly in the middle
115
00:07:31,333 --> 00:07:32,400
of someone's house,
116
00:07:32,467 --> 00:07:33,901
anything could
be happening.
117
00:07:33,967 --> 00:07:36,834
There could be
old people naked.
118
00:07:36,901 --> 00:07:38,634
You wouldn't
be able to see them!
119
00:07:38,700 --> 00:07:41,034
Yeah, but they could be
out there, rustling.
120
00:07:42,333 --> 00:07:43,433
But it
could have been--
121
00:07:43,500 --> 00:07:44,967
who knows?
Who cares?
122
00:07:45,034 --> 00:07:46,367
It was
a chirp.
123
00:07:46,433 --> 00:07:48,867
There's nothing you
can tell from a chirp.
124
00:07:48,934 --> 00:07:50,600
Of course
i know that. Good.
125
00:07:50,667 --> 00:07:51,700
How long
a chirp?
126
00:07:51,767 --> 00:07:53,667
Sally!
127
00:07:53,734 --> 00:07:55,767
Jeff: Jenny turbot.
128
00:07:55,834 --> 00:07:57,001
I'm sorry?
129
00:07:57,067 --> 00:07:59,567
Worst phone call
i ever made.
130
00:07:59,634 --> 00:08:01,134
Right.
131
00:08:01,201 --> 00:08:04,067
If this chirp
was an animal...
132
00:08:04,134 --> 00:08:05,667
I mean it!
133
00:08:05,734 --> 00:08:07,801
Jeff: It was
my final year at school,
134
00:08:07,867 --> 00:08:10,500
and there she was,
Jenny turbot.
135
00:08:10,567 --> 00:08:11,967
It was like
she'd come to life
136
00:08:12,034 --> 00:08:13,234
from one
of my magazines,
137
00:08:13,300 --> 00:08:15,268
as if all the candles
and the chanting
138
00:08:15,333 --> 00:08:16,867
had finally worked.
139
00:08:18,934 --> 00:08:23,001
I'd never seen a woman
that gorgeous fully dressed.
140
00:08:23,067 --> 00:08:24,767
Clothes looked wrong
on her somehow
141
00:08:24,834 --> 00:08:27,567
as if she'd
developed a fault.
142
00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:31,600
You know, you could--
don't say it!
143
00:08:31,667 --> 00:08:33,634
Jeff: I fell completely
in love with her...
144
00:08:33,700 --> 00:08:34,667
Totally.
145
00:08:34,734 --> 00:08:36,500
I knew she was the one.
146
00:08:36,567 --> 00:08:38,234
Everyone else called her
"the school bike,"
147
00:08:38,300 --> 00:08:41,034
said she'd put out
for absolutely anyone,
148
00:08:41,101 --> 00:08:43,567
and it wasn't
just that.
149
00:08:45,700 --> 00:08:47,333
And i got
her phone number, right.
150
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,300
It took me ages,
but i got it.
151
00:08:49,367 --> 00:08:50,934
It was on
a little scrap of paper,
152
00:08:51,001 --> 00:08:53,367
the turbot's
actual phone number.
153
00:08:53,433 --> 00:08:54,867
That little scrap
of paper
154
00:08:54,934 --> 00:08:57,067
gave me the best time
of my life...
155
00:08:57,134 --> 00:09:00,767
A month
of complete sexual bliss.
156
00:09:00,834 --> 00:09:04,400
In the end, i had to phone her
before it fell apart.
157
00:09:04,467 --> 00:09:07,034
And she knew
who i was!
158
00:09:07,101 --> 00:09:10,034
She remembered me.
Nobody ever remembered me.
159
00:09:10,101 --> 00:09:12,433
But the turbot,
she remembered.
160
00:09:12,500 --> 00:09:16,234
And we were just chatting away,
and it was easy.
161
00:09:16,300 --> 00:09:19,101
And i just asked her out.
I just did it.
162
00:09:19,168 --> 00:09:21,300
An actual date.
163
00:09:22,500 --> 00:09:25,667
It wouldn't hurt--
yes, it would!
164
00:09:25,734 --> 00:09:26,934
Patrick:
So what went wrong?
165
00:09:27,001 --> 00:09:29,767
Well, her ex suddenly
turns up again, doesn't he?
166
00:09:29,834 --> 00:09:33,268
Barry.
Barry the bastard.
167
00:09:33,333 --> 00:09:34,467
Before you know it,
168
00:09:34,534 --> 00:09:36,634
they're shagging away
like maniacs.
169
00:09:36,700 --> 00:09:39,333
I kept asking her out,
obviously, i pleaded,
170
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:40,667
but she was too busy
171
00:09:40,734 --> 00:09:43,201
with all
the endless shagging.
172
00:09:43,268 --> 00:09:46,801
So, in the end,
i just had to hang up.
173
00:09:55,101 --> 00:09:57,201
She was having sex
with this guy
174
00:09:57,268 --> 00:09:58,734
while you were still
on the phone?
175
00:09:58,801 --> 00:10:01,700
Actually, i think
the phone was involved.
176
00:10:05,234 --> 00:10:08,367
Steve:
Oh, dear God!
177
00:10:08,433 --> 00:10:11,600
That was as close
as i got to Jenny turbot.
178
00:10:11,667 --> 00:10:16,034
I was a sex aid for her
and Barry the bastard.
179
00:10:17,268 --> 00:10:19,867
I counted it
as half a point.
180
00:10:20,934 --> 00:10:22,801
Patrick: I got phoned
during sex once.
181
00:10:22,867 --> 00:10:25,001
Can we please
not hear about it.
182
00:10:25,067 --> 00:10:27,101
It's a bit embarrassing,
actually.
183
00:10:27,168 --> 00:10:29,734
There i was, in the middle
of serious, full-on sex,
184
00:10:29,801 --> 00:10:31,333
when my girlfriend
phones.
185
00:10:32,667 --> 00:10:33,967
Jeff: Bloody hell!
186
00:10:34,034 --> 00:10:35,034
Steve: That's
very embarrassing!
187
00:10:35,101 --> 00:10:36,333
She kept
going on and on
188
00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:38,433
about how
i was ignoring her.
189
00:10:38,500 --> 00:10:39,667
You don't think
it was maybe
190
00:10:39,734 --> 00:10:41,700
because you were having sex
with somebody else?
191
00:10:41,767 --> 00:10:43,801
No, no,
i was having sex with her.
192
00:10:48,500 --> 00:10:50,867
Shit!
What?
193
00:10:50,934 --> 00:10:54,400
Sally, no! That way
madness lies.
194
00:10:54,467 --> 00:10:56,400
I didn't say anything
that time.
195
00:10:56,467 --> 00:10:59,067
You just thought it.
196
00:10:59,134 --> 00:11:00,168
Jeff: What's wrong?
197
00:11:00,234 --> 00:11:01,901
I connected.
198
00:11:01,967 --> 00:11:05,168
When i phoned Susan--
for a moment, i connected.
199
00:11:05,234 --> 00:11:06,934
Sally: Shall we
say it together?
200
00:11:07,001 --> 00:11:09,567
So?
What do you mean, "so?"
201
00:11:09,634 --> 00:11:11,867
All five: 1471!
202
00:11:11,934 --> 00:11:14,067
What if she checks?
She'll know it was me.
203
00:11:14,134 --> 00:11:15,268
Jeff: Well?
204
00:11:15,333 --> 00:11:17,400
What if she's there?
What if she's about to--
205
00:11:17,467 --> 00:11:19,433
Patrick, have you
got your mobile?
206
00:11:19,500 --> 00:11:20,433
No.
207
00:11:20,500 --> 00:11:22,734
Jeff?
Why?
208
00:11:24,367 --> 00:11:26,600
Sally: So you know,
one way or the other.
209
00:11:26,667 --> 00:11:27,801
Will you
phone her?
210
00:11:27,867 --> 00:11:29,101
I don't want
to phone her.
211
00:11:29,168 --> 00:11:30,101
Jeff, please!
Forget it!
212
00:11:30,168 --> 00:11:31,734
You don't have
to talk to her.
213
00:11:31,801 --> 00:11:32,801
I'm not
talking to her.
214
00:11:32,867 --> 00:11:34,268
You're the ones
who've split up.
215
00:11:34,333 --> 00:11:35,567
Jeff!
216
00:11:35,634 --> 00:11:37,134
I don't talk to women
when they're emotional.
217
00:11:37,201 --> 00:11:39,168
They're allowed
to slap you.
218
00:11:39,234 --> 00:11:40,367
Over the phone?
219
00:11:40,433 --> 00:11:41,600
Well, she'll remember
for next time.
220
00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:42,934
Women remember, Steve.
221
00:11:43,001 --> 00:11:45,134
It's like they've
got minds of their own.
222
00:11:45,201 --> 00:11:46,700
You don't have
to talk to her.
223
00:11:46,767 --> 00:11:48,767
You're gonna hang up
the moment it rings.
224
00:11:48,834 --> 00:11:51,001
It's just so that I'm not
the last one who phoned
225
00:11:51,067 --> 00:11:52,634
when she 1471's.
226
00:11:52,700 --> 00:11:53,934
It just seems like
227
00:11:54,001 --> 00:11:55,734
a really needy thing
to do.
228
00:11:55,801 --> 00:11:57,067
I don't do needy.
229
00:11:57,134 --> 00:12:00,234
You're a woman.
Needy is our golf.
230
00:12:02,734 --> 00:12:04,834
Oh!
You see?
231
00:12:04,901 --> 00:12:06,201
It'll be me
that phoned.
232
00:12:06,268 --> 00:12:07,634
Exactly.
233
00:12:07,700 --> 00:12:09,034
Susan: What
does that mean?
234
00:12:09,101 --> 00:12:11,168
I don't know.
I didn't think it through.
235
00:12:12,168 --> 00:12:13,567
Okay,
I'll do it.
236
00:12:13,634 --> 00:12:15,767
Good man!
237
00:12:15,834 --> 00:12:17,001
Okay,
I'll do it.
238
00:12:17,067 --> 00:12:18,034
That's my girl!
239
00:12:18,101 --> 00:12:19,168
Do you need
the number?
240
00:12:19,234 --> 00:12:21,367
No, you still
got it on redial.
241
00:12:21,433 --> 00:12:23,168
( dialing number )
242
00:12:23,234 --> 00:12:24,234
( rings )
243
00:12:24,300 --> 00:12:25,567
oh!
Oh!
244
00:12:25,634 --> 00:12:27,534
Second chirp.
You have a second chirp.
245
00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:29,867
Second chirp
on the radar.
246
00:12:32,534 --> 00:12:35,300
We don't know
it was him.
247
00:12:35,367 --> 00:12:37,134
Why else would your phone
keep chirping?
248
00:12:37,201 --> 00:12:39,333
I don't know, maybe
it's having a good day.
249
00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:41,101
He's wanting to phone.
He's changing his mind.
250
00:12:41,168 --> 00:12:43,500
Next time, try and answer
during the chirp.
251
00:12:43,567 --> 00:12:45,667
Do you know why I'm not
gonna do this, Sally?
252
00:12:45,734 --> 00:12:47,901
Because I'm just not
that desperate.
253
00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:52,101
( knock on door )
254
00:12:52,168 --> 00:12:53,333
hello?!
255
00:13:05,534 --> 00:13:07,400
Steve, you've made
a mistake.
256
00:13:09,433 --> 00:13:11,534
Have i really?
257
00:13:13,234 --> 00:13:15,001
I'll get that,
shall i?
258
00:13:15,067 --> 00:13:16,700
It'll be your number
on the phone--
259
00:13:16,767 --> 00:13:20,001
you were supposed
to use your mobile!
260
00:13:21,567 --> 00:13:23,234
Because, actually,
that was the door,
261
00:13:23,300 --> 00:13:24,400
not the phone.
262
00:13:24,467 --> 00:13:26,967
Yes, Sally,
i know.
263
00:13:27,034 --> 00:13:28,433
So I'll get it,
shall i?
264
00:13:28,500 --> 00:13:32,234
Ah...right!
265
00:13:34,101 --> 00:13:36,901
I'll just go over...
Here and get it.
266
00:13:36,967 --> 00:13:38,667
Because this
is where the door is
267
00:13:38,734 --> 00:13:40,901
as opposed
to the telephone, do you see?
268
00:13:40,967 --> 00:13:42,500
Sally!
269
00:13:42,567 --> 00:13:44,901
I don't have
my mobile with me.
270
00:13:44,967 --> 00:13:48,268
Using my phone was not
the second best option.
271
00:13:48,333 --> 00:13:50,767
Jane: Hi, hi.
What's happening?
272
00:13:50,834 --> 00:13:51,867
Has Steve
phoned yet?
273
00:13:51,934 --> 00:13:53,168
Sally: Well...
274
00:13:53,234 --> 00:13:55,101
No phone calls,
just the occasional chirp.
275
00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,667
How long a chirp?
276
00:13:56,734 --> 00:13:59,067
Well,
for God's sake!
277
00:13:59,134 --> 00:14:00,500
I brought you books.
278
00:14:00,567 --> 00:14:02,333
You might want
to send one to Steve.
279
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:04,667
Ridge across destiny.
280
00:14:04,734 --> 00:14:06,134
Isn't it great?
281
00:14:06,201 --> 00:14:07,567
It's like a manual
for living
282
00:14:07,634 --> 00:14:09,634
that proves
men are wrong.
283
00:14:09,700 --> 00:14:11,934
No offense, but do
you know that your voice
284
00:14:12,001 --> 00:14:13,834
actually makes me
grind my teeth?
285
00:14:13,901 --> 00:14:15,901
None taken.
286
00:14:15,967 --> 00:14:18,234
0 ways to make him
your soul mate.
287
00:14:18,300 --> 00:14:19,667
Oh, this one's
fabulous.
288
00:14:19,734 --> 00:14:22,500
It's like the citizen's arrest
of romance.
289
00:14:22,567 --> 00:14:25,067
Can you hear them,
Jane, grinding away?
290
00:14:25,134 --> 00:14:27,534
Do you know,
i think i can.
291
00:14:28,767 --> 00:14:30,101
Patrick: Why don't you
phone her back
292
00:14:30,168 --> 00:14:31,168
and withhold
your number?
293
00:14:31,234 --> 00:14:32,667
Yeah, that'd work.
294
00:14:32,734 --> 00:14:35,300
Susan: Come on, Jane,
let's get you a drink.
295
00:14:35,367 --> 00:14:37,600
I mean, it's not that i
don't like you or anything,
296
00:14:37,667 --> 00:14:40,367
it's just that I'm developing
extra muscles in my jaw.
297
00:14:40,433 --> 00:14:43,001
We'll leave Susan to do
whatever she feels she has to.
298
00:14:43,067 --> 00:14:44,967
How would i
withhold my number?
299
00:14:45,034 --> 00:14:47,001
You've never withheld
your number?
300
00:14:47,067 --> 00:14:48,268
Why would i?
301
00:14:48,333 --> 00:14:49,967
Oh, you know...
302
00:14:51,700 --> 00:14:53,333
Purposes.
303
00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:56,967
Exactly.
304
00:14:57,034 --> 00:15:00,234
Okay. How do i
do it, then?
305
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:02,500
141.
Brilliant.
306
00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:06,101
When do i do
the 141?
307
00:15:06,168 --> 00:15:07,234
Jeff: First.
308
00:15:07,300 --> 00:15:08,634
( telephone rings )
oh!
309
00:15:10,268 --> 00:15:11,700
Incoming!
310
00:15:11,767 --> 00:15:13,567
Jane:
I'm excited, too!
311
00:15:13,634 --> 00:15:15,300
Okay, i don't know
what he's playing at,
312
00:15:15,367 --> 00:15:16,600
but I'm just not
joining in.
313
00:15:16,667 --> 00:15:19,834
First?
First, yeah.
314
00:15:19,901 --> 00:15:21,234
Sally: Don't you
want to at least--
315
00:15:21,300 --> 00:15:22,567
no, i don't!
316
00:15:22,634 --> 00:15:27,067
Look, just to set
your mind at rest...
317
00:15:27,134 --> 00:15:29,667
1471.
318
00:15:29,734 --> 00:15:31,268
Susan: How do i
delete the number?
319
00:15:31,333 --> 00:15:32,367
Three.
320
00:15:32,433 --> 00:15:34,034
Oh, no,
that's the messages.
321
00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:35,634
Three calls
the number.
322
00:15:35,700 --> 00:15:37,500
( telephone rings )
men: Aah!
323
00:15:39,001 --> 00:15:40,433
Bollocks!
324
00:15:40,500 --> 00:15:41,700
Jeff:
They're on to us!
325
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:46,101
Bollocks,
bollocks, bollocks!
326
00:15:46,168 --> 00:15:49,168
They know exactly
where we are!
327
00:15:49,234 --> 00:15:50,967
He'll know
it was me!
328
00:15:51,034 --> 00:15:52,467
He'll 1471!
329
00:15:52,534 --> 00:15:54,034
Jeff,
she's my girlfriend.
330
00:15:54,101 --> 00:15:55,834
She already knows
where i live.
331
00:15:55,901 --> 00:15:58,001
Ex-girlfriend.
332
00:15:58,067 --> 00:15:59,867
And which part
of your brain
333
00:15:59,934 --> 00:16:03,567
thought that that would be
a good thing to say?
334
00:16:03,634 --> 00:16:06,600
Jane: Okay, I've got a plan
to get us out of this.
335
00:16:06,667 --> 00:16:07,934
Sally and i just go.
336
00:16:08,001 --> 00:16:09,333
How does that
help me?
337
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:11,567
It doesn't. I had
to leave you out of the plan.
338
00:16:11,634 --> 00:16:14,300
Oh, thanks!
Oh, great!
339
00:16:14,367 --> 00:16:15,967
Come on.
Wait!
340
00:16:16,034 --> 00:16:16,967
Sally: What?
341
00:16:17,034 --> 00:16:18,333
Where are
we going?
342
00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:19,767
Steve: I'm a man
who's been dumped,
343
00:16:19,834 --> 00:16:21,201
you know where
we're going.
344
00:16:21,268 --> 00:16:22,801
Susan:
I'm coming with you.
345
00:16:22,867 --> 00:16:23,901
Sally:
What if he phones?
346
00:16:23,967 --> 00:16:25,201
I don't care
if he phones.
347
00:16:25,268 --> 00:16:26,367
Come on,
let's go.
348
00:16:26,433 --> 00:16:27,467
Hang on.
349
00:16:27,534 --> 00:16:28,634
Susan:
What are you doing?
350
00:16:28,700 --> 00:16:30,268
Just checking
your answerphone's on.
351
00:16:30,333 --> 00:16:31,433
Jane: Oh, yeah.
352
00:16:31,500 --> 00:16:33,168
Susan: Jane?
353
00:16:33,234 --> 00:16:35,268
Just checking you
hung up properly.
354
00:16:35,333 --> 00:16:37,168
Oh! Oh!
355
00:16:40,268 --> 00:16:41,433
Oh.
356
00:16:45,834 --> 00:16:47,700
Let's just
risk it.
357
00:16:47,767 --> 00:16:49,034
Okay.
358
00:16:49,101 --> 00:16:50,333
It's like checking
your fridge light
359
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:52,201
really goes off,
isn't it?
360
00:16:53,767 --> 00:16:55,067
Yeah, i expect so.
361
00:16:55,134 --> 00:16:58,034
There's a whole night
of my life i want back.
362
00:17:03,867 --> 00:17:05,134
Patrick:
So where are we going?
363
00:17:05,201 --> 00:17:07,067
Steve: The temple of woman.
364
00:17:07,134 --> 00:17:08,400
Sally: So where
are we going?
365
00:17:08,467 --> 00:17:11,201
Susan: The temple of woman.
366
00:17:20,367 --> 00:17:22,367
( dance music playing )
367
00:17:39,634 --> 00:17:41,367
do you think this
is the sort of place
368
00:17:41,433 --> 00:17:42,934
that degrades women?
369
00:17:44,001 --> 00:17:46,567
We could ask.
370
00:17:46,634 --> 00:17:49,201
I'm sure someone else
has been using my neck.
371
00:17:49,268 --> 00:17:51,801
Your neck's fine.
372
00:17:51,867 --> 00:17:53,400
This is terrifying!
373
00:17:53,467 --> 00:17:54,967
Terrifying?
374
00:17:55,034 --> 00:17:57,467
I think it's started
to make noises when i move it.
375
00:17:57,534 --> 00:17:59,867
Do you think i have
an audible neck?
376
00:17:59,934 --> 00:18:02,600
Lap dancing is
the ultimate nightmare of man.
377
00:18:02,667 --> 00:18:07,500
I mean...it's porn
that can see you.
378
00:18:07,567 --> 00:18:09,134
Excellent.
379
00:18:09,201 --> 00:18:11,034
When i was a kid
i used to imagine
380
00:18:11,101 --> 00:18:14,067
that the girls in
my magazines could see me.
381
00:18:14,134 --> 00:18:17,001
They were shouting,
"pervert, pervert!"
382
00:18:17,067 --> 00:18:18,234
Yeah?
383
00:18:18,300 --> 00:18:21,168
Yeah. But you get
bored of that.
384
00:18:23,667 --> 00:18:26,201
Some people think
that external beauty
385
00:18:26,268 --> 00:18:28,201
comes from
inner tranquility.
386
00:18:28,268 --> 00:18:30,201
Of course, some people
think it comes
387
00:18:30,268 --> 00:18:31,901
from drinking
the blood of virgins,
388
00:18:31,967 --> 00:18:35,101
so there's quite
a range there.
389
00:18:35,168 --> 00:18:36,834
You know what
my neck needs?
390
00:18:36,901 --> 00:18:38,634
To be left alone.
391
00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:40,534
You've already got
enough products on you
392
00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:42,433
to make a spare woman.
393
00:18:42,500 --> 00:18:44,600
If anti-aging cream
actually worked,
394
00:18:44,667 --> 00:18:46,867
you'd be
back in puberty.
395
00:18:48,534 --> 00:18:50,534
So why are
we here, then?
396
00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:55,567
I'm single, i need
to look at naked women.
397
00:18:55,634 --> 00:18:56,867
If that's
what you think,
398
00:18:56,934 --> 00:18:58,168
then why are we here?
399
00:18:58,234 --> 00:19:01,567
I'm single.
I need to look good naked.
400
00:19:04,834 --> 00:19:06,201
Steve!
401
00:19:06,268 --> 00:19:07,600
What, what's
the matter?
402
00:19:07,667 --> 00:19:09,734
It's her!
403
00:19:09,801 --> 00:19:10,801
What?
404
00:19:10,867 --> 00:19:14,201
The turbot.
Jenny turbot.
405
00:19:14,268 --> 00:19:15,600
Hello, boys.
406
00:19:15,667 --> 00:19:17,534
Hi.
Hello.
407
00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:18,700
Hello.
408
00:19:18,767 --> 00:19:20,934
So would you
like a dance?
409
00:19:21,001 --> 00:19:23,367
Oh, I'm not
a very good dancer.
410
00:19:24,734 --> 00:19:26,734
I think the idea is
i do the dancing.
411
00:19:26,801 --> 00:19:29,767
Oh, right.
That's probably better.
412
00:19:29,834 --> 00:19:31,967
Probably, yes.
413
00:19:32,034 --> 00:19:34,134
So do you guys
want to sit down?
414
00:19:34,201 --> 00:19:35,234
Jenny?
415
00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:36,500
Yes.
416
00:19:36,567 --> 00:19:39,034
It's me!
417
00:19:39,101 --> 00:19:40,500
I'm sorry?
418
00:19:40,567 --> 00:19:43,467
Jeff. Jeff murdock.
419
00:19:45,067 --> 00:19:47,001
We were
at school together.
420
00:19:47,067 --> 00:19:50,634
Oh, my God!
Scary Jeff?
421
00:19:50,700 --> 00:19:53,467
You see?
She remembers me!
422
00:19:53,534 --> 00:19:55,134
The turbot
remembers me!
423
00:19:55,201 --> 00:19:56,600
Well done.
Scary.
424
00:19:56,667 --> 00:19:58,934
This is Steve
and this is Patrick.
425
00:19:59,001 --> 00:20:01,367
So what are
you guys doing here?
426
00:20:01,433 --> 00:20:05,201
Oh, we come here strictly
for the articles.
427
00:20:05,268 --> 00:20:07,300
This is amazing!
428
00:20:07,367 --> 00:20:10,034
I can't believe
it's you!
429
00:20:10,101 --> 00:20:13,101
Do you remember that time
you called me up?
430
00:20:13,168 --> 00:20:14,901
That was wild.
431
00:20:14,967 --> 00:20:18,500
Yeah, i was just telling
the boys about it.
432
00:20:18,567 --> 00:20:20,367
The only time a guy's
ever phoned me.
433
00:20:20,433 --> 00:20:21,801
Oh, I'm sure
that's not true.
434
00:20:21,867 --> 00:20:24,901
No, Jeff, the only time
a guy's ever...
435
00:20:24,967 --> 00:20:27,534
Phoned me.
436
00:20:31,201 --> 00:20:33,901
S-s-s-so what are
you doing these days?
437
00:20:33,967 --> 00:20:36,168
I dance naked
for men.
438
00:20:36,234 --> 00:20:37,234
Right!
439
00:20:37,300 --> 00:20:39,201
Great!
Nice!
440
00:20:39,268 --> 00:20:41,500
My mother says it's
one step from prostitution.
441
00:20:41,567 --> 00:20:43,634
Well, you're
practically there, then.
442
00:20:43,700 --> 00:20:45,001
Well, no,
i mean, um...
443
00:20:45,067 --> 00:20:46,834
Do you guys want
to come and sit down?
444
00:20:46,901 --> 00:20:48,500
Great, thanks.
445
00:20:51,901 --> 00:20:54,667
So do you ever see
anyone from school?
446
00:20:54,734 --> 00:20:57,168
Well, the teachers,
obviously.
447
00:20:58,534 --> 00:21:00,700
So what do you
want done, then?
448
00:21:00,767 --> 00:21:03,867
Oh, her eyes.
449
00:21:03,934 --> 00:21:05,367
I was talking to Susan,
actually.
450
00:21:05,433 --> 00:21:06,767
What's wrong
with my eyes?
451
00:21:06,834 --> 00:21:08,600
Nothing.
They're lovely eyes.
452
00:21:08,667 --> 00:21:09,967
It's just sometimes
you look
453
00:21:10,034 --> 00:21:12,300
like you've been
possessed by aliens.
454
00:21:13,934 --> 00:21:15,333
Do you have
anything for that?
455
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,600
Okay, there's
that voice again.
456
00:21:17,667 --> 00:21:18,600
Susan...
457
00:21:18,667 --> 00:21:20,168
Can you hear them
grinding, Jane?
458
00:21:20,234 --> 00:21:22,034
Just talk and watch
my neck inflate.
459
00:21:22,101 --> 00:21:23,634
Okay.
460
00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:26,201
Oh, for Christ's sake.
461
00:21:26,268 --> 00:21:27,700
Do you want
to talk about it?
462
00:21:27,767 --> 00:21:29,834
No, Sally, i want
to scream about it.
463
00:21:29,901 --> 00:21:32,367
There's a subtle,
yet important, distinction.
464
00:21:32,433 --> 00:21:33,400
Susan.
465
00:21:33,467 --> 00:21:35,034
Jane, one of these days,
466
00:21:35,101 --> 00:21:36,534
you're gonna start
a sentence to me,
467
00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:38,600
and my teeth
will just explode.
468
00:21:38,667 --> 00:21:40,134
People will die
in the blast.
469
00:21:40,201 --> 00:21:43,201
Well...
470
00:21:43,268 --> 00:21:46,034
That's very pressuring,
actually.
471
00:21:55,467 --> 00:21:57,934
Okay, you know what's
really getting me mad?
472
00:21:58,001 --> 00:22:00,400
My boyfriend,
my fiance,
473
00:22:00,467 --> 00:22:02,300
the man who, against
all my better judgment,
474
00:22:02,367 --> 00:22:03,534
i actually love,
475
00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:05,834
chatted up a woman
in a bar.
476
00:22:05,901 --> 00:22:09,001
And, on the very same day,
the very same day,
477
00:22:09,067 --> 00:22:11,067
i chatted up a man.
478
00:22:11,134 --> 00:22:12,934
Do you see?
Do you get it?
479
00:22:13,001 --> 00:22:15,767
I'm equally at fault.
480
00:22:15,834 --> 00:22:18,300
How can i ever
forgive him for that?
481
00:22:18,367 --> 00:22:20,801
Well, of course, I'm not
going to forgive him because,
482
00:22:20,867 --> 00:22:23,001
because men--and i
don't mean to generalize--
483
00:22:23,067 --> 00:22:24,534
are crap!
484
00:22:25,801 --> 00:22:28,433
They're the human race's
only failed gender.
485
00:22:28,500 --> 00:22:30,467
Who needs them?
486
00:22:30,534 --> 00:22:33,333
And why are they so difficult
to keep hold of?
487
00:22:34,634 --> 00:22:36,268
Do you think
they realize
488
00:22:36,333 --> 00:22:38,168
that were it not
for the genetic imperative
489
00:22:38,234 --> 00:22:39,667
to populate the earth,
490
00:22:39,734 --> 00:22:41,400
they wouldn't
get a date?
491
00:22:41,467 --> 00:22:42,600
That's one hell
of an inducement--
492
00:22:42,667 --> 00:22:44,268
no pressure, girls,
but shag one of these
493
00:22:44,333 --> 00:22:46,168
or it's curtains
for all human kind.
494
00:22:46,234 --> 00:22:48,134
That's harassment.
495
00:22:49,534 --> 00:22:50,901
But, you know what?
496
00:22:50,967 --> 00:22:54,500
Do you know what's
even more crap than men?
497
00:22:54,567 --> 00:22:56,767
E are more crap
than men.
498
00:22:56,834 --> 00:22:59,534
All those stupid books
you guys had
499
00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:02,067
and, and these magazines.
500
00:23:02,134 --> 00:23:05,400
A hundred pages of
"men are useless bastards"
501
00:23:05,467 --> 00:23:06,901
and an article
about why you should
502
00:23:06,967 --> 00:23:08,433
wake him up
with a blow job.
503
00:23:09,801 --> 00:23:12,700
Am i alone in spotting
the inconsistency here?
504
00:23:12,767 --> 00:23:14,734
And these places...
505
00:23:14,801 --> 00:23:16,634
Because, for God's sake,
don't let them see
506
00:23:16,700 --> 00:23:17,934
what we really
look like.
507
00:23:18,001 --> 00:23:19,467
Just let them
enjoy the results.
508
00:23:19,534 --> 00:23:21,734
Don't let them see
how it all happens.
509
00:23:21,801 --> 00:23:23,400
You know,
i went out with Steve
510
00:23:23,467 --> 00:23:24,500
for six years and...
511
00:23:24,567 --> 00:23:25,700
No, you didn't.
512
00:23:25,767 --> 00:23:28,333
You went out with him
for four years, i checked.
513
00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:31,934
Oh. Well,
it seemed longer.
514
00:23:32,001 --> 00:23:34,834
Yeah, yeah, of course
it seemed longer.
515
00:23:34,901 --> 00:23:36,600
I, myself, have been
going out with him
516
00:23:36,667 --> 00:23:40,034
since the 12th century
or possibly since last week,
517
00:23:40,101 --> 00:23:41,367
it's hard
to keep track.
518
00:23:41,433 --> 00:23:43,034
Because how are you
supposed to measure time
519
00:23:43,101 --> 00:23:45,834
with the man you want to spend
the rest of your life with?
520
00:23:45,901 --> 00:23:46,967
What would make sense?
521
00:23:47,034 --> 00:23:49,767
Centuries?
Nanoseconds?
522
00:23:51,534 --> 00:23:53,467
Eggs.
523
00:23:55,700 --> 00:23:57,700
( laughing
and shouting )
524
00:25:01,168 --> 00:25:02,834
( glass shattering )
525
00:25:22,300 --> 00:25:24,801
( buzzing lips )
526
00:25:25,801 --> 00:25:27,400
( belches )
527
00:25:28,700 --> 00:25:30,101
shh!
528
00:25:37,734 --> 00:25:39,433
Ooh!
All right, mate?
529
00:25:39,500 --> 00:25:40,767
Naked women.
530
00:25:40,834 --> 00:25:42,467
Yeah, fine.
531
00:25:42,534 --> 00:25:47,600
We'd better, um, uh...
532
00:25:47,667 --> 00:25:49,433
Go.
533
00:25:49,500 --> 00:25:52,067
Jeff: Naked women,
naked, naked women,
534
00:25:52,134 --> 00:25:55,201
naked, naked women,
naked women, naked.
535
00:25:55,268 --> 00:25:56,500
See you.
536
00:25:57,934 --> 00:25:59,134
Naked.
537
00:26:14,134 --> 00:26:16,400
Answerphone: I, it's Susan,
leave a message.
538
00:26:16,467 --> 00:26:18,300
Ou have
one new message.
539
00:26:18,367 --> 00:26:19,367
beep )
540
00:26:19,433 --> 00:26:21,067
( drunkenly )
i love you.
541
00:26:21,134 --> 00:26:26,500
I'm really sorry,
and i really...love you.
542
00:26:26,567 --> 00:26:30,534
And, also,
I'm sorry.
543
00:26:30,600 --> 00:26:33,901
And, also,
i-i-i love you.
544
00:26:33,967 --> 00:26:37,034
Oh, please
come back to me.
545
00:26:37,101 --> 00:26:38,101
( sighs )
546
00:26:38,168 --> 00:26:39,834
if you don't
come back to me,
547
00:26:39,901 --> 00:26:42,834
please,
never play me this tape.
548
00:26:56,300 --> 00:26:57,667
( groans )
549
00:26:58,801 --> 00:27:00,567
oh, well...
550
00:27:01,667 --> 00:27:04,333
Why not,
i suppose.
551
00:27:15,433 --> 00:27:18,467
Sorry, mate.
Got a bit lost.
552
00:27:18,534 --> 00:27:20,600
We've been
in the kitchen.
553
00:27:20,667 --> 00:27:22,734
Naked women.
554
00:27:22,801 --> 00:27:24,667
Mind if we crash here?
555
00:27:24,734 --> 00:27:26,534
Whatever.
556
00:27:27,767 --> 00:27:30,433
( kissing noises )
557
00:27:35,767 --> 00:27:38,667
( moans )
558
00:27:45,967 --> 00:27:48,734
( moaning )
559
00:27:56,268 --> 00:27:58,134
( telephone rings )
560
00:27:59,268 --> 00:28:01,400
( rings )
561
00:28:02,634 --> 00:28:04,268
( rings )
562
00:28:05,567 --> 00:28:07,101
( rings )
563
00:28:08,834 --> 00:28:10,667
hi, this is Steve,
leave a message.
564
00:28:10,734 --> 00:28:13,801
I, Steve, it's Jane.
565
00:28:13,867 --> 00:28:16,500
Aah!!!
566
00:28:19,567 --> 00:28:21,500
I'm sorry.
567
00:28:21,567 --> 00:28:24,101
I'll be fine.
568
00:28:24,168 --> 00:28:26,600
It's Jane's voice.
569
00:28:26,667 --> 00:28:28,801
Doesn't it set
your teeth on edge?
570
00:28:30,834 --> 00:28:32,801
It will now.
571
00:28:37,134 --> 00:28:39,967
* if you can't
make your mind up *
572
00:28:40,034 --> 00:28:42,300
* we'll never *
573
00:28:42,367 --> 00:28:45,268
* get started *
574
00:28:46,467 --> 00:28:48,934
* and i don't
want to wind up *
575
00:28:49,001 --> 00:28:54,834
* being parted,
broken-hearted *
576
00:28:54,901 --> 00:28:58,134
* so, if you
really love me *
577
00:28:58,201 --> 00:29:00,067
* say yes *
578
00:29:00,134 --> 00:29:02,634
* and please don't tell me *
579
00:29:02,700 --> 00:29:03,634
* perhaps, perhaps, perhaps *