1
00:00:08,667 --> 00:00:11,867
* you won't admit
you love me *
2
00:00:11,934 --> 00:00:13,600
* and so *
3
00:00:13,667 --> 00:00:16,267
* how am i ever *
4
00:00:16,334 --> 00:00:18,001
* to know? *
5
00:00:18,067 --> 00:00:20,734
* you always tell me *
6
00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:21,800
* perhaps *
7
00:00:21,867 --> 00:00:22,867
* perhaps *
8
00:00:22,934 --> 00:00:24,101
* perhaps *
9
00:00:25,401 --> 00:00:26,900
* perhaps *
10
00:00:26,967 --> 00:00:29,533
* perhaps *
11
00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:30,767
* perhaps *
12
00:00:37,167 --> 00:00:38,334
hi.
13
00:00:39,633 --> 00:00:41,567
So what do i tell Julia?
About what?
14
00:00:41,633 --> 00:00:42,934
About this "hi-ing" incident?
15
00:00:43,001 --> 00:00:44,633
She just said "hi."
16
00:00:44,700 --> 00:00:47,567
But, Steve,
you don't know
what i said.
17
00:00:48,567 --> 00:00:50,368
Hi.
18
00:00:50,434 --> 00:00:53,401
You realize this doesn't mean
you're engaged or anything?
19
00:00:53,468 --> 00:00:55,800
People say "hi," Jeff.
20
00:00:57,633 --> 00:00:58,834
Hi.
21
00:01:00,234 --> 00:01:02,867
So i thought to myself,
well, that's a good sign.
22
00:01:02,934 --> 00:01:03,967
What was?
23
00:01:04,034 --> 00:01:05,067
He said, "hi."
24
00:01:05,134 --> 00:01:07,067
You know how men
always try to pretend
25
00:01:07,134 --> 00:01:08,368
they haven't seen you
26
00:01:08,434 --> 00:01:09,934
and then sneak off
without saying anything.
27
00:01:10,001 --> 00:01:11,101
What did you say?
28
00:01:11,167 --> 00:01:13,533
I realized i had to
play it cool.
29
00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:16,101
Oh, hello!
Lovely to see you, James.
30
00:01:16,167 --> 00:01:19,001
Come in, sit down.
Can i get you something?
31
00:01:19,067 --> 00:01:21,368
This is the stationery
cupboard, isn't it?
32
00:01:21,434 --> 00:01:23,767
Not your house or anything?
33
00:01:23,834 --> 00:01:27,967
Then i realized I'd missed cool
by the tiniest bit.
34
00:01:28,034 --> 00:01:30,001
I quickly adjusted.
35
00:01:30,067 --> 00:01:32,234
No, this isn't my house, James.
36
00:01:32,301 --> 00:01:35,468
Would you like the address?
37
00:01:35,533 --> 00:01:40,001
Missed again, but i was
pretty sure i got away with it.
38
00:01:40,067 --> 00:01:42,667
I just want a hole puncher,
actually.
39
00:01:42,734 --> 00:01:46,134
Really? That's interesting.
40
00:01:47,767 --> 00:01:50,468
Are you wanting to
punch some holes?
41
00:01:52,934 --> 00:01:54,134
Well, yes.
42
00:01:55,401 --> 00:01:58,500
Honestly...you men.
43
00:02:00,533 --> 00:02:01,633
Over there?
44
00:02:01,700 --> 00:02:03,434
Yes.
45
00:02:07,967 --> 00:02:10,633
I haven't said anything
to Julia yet.
46
00:02:10,700 --> 00:02:13,533
You just said, "hi."
there's nothing to tell her.
47
00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:15,234
There's a lot in "hi."
48
00:02:15,301 --> 00:02:17,401
There are two letters
in "hi."
49
00:02:17,468 --> 00:02:22,034
Yeah, and i hit both of them
like a crazy fool.
50
00:02:22,101 --> 00:02:23,267
Like a what?
51
00:02:23,334 --> 00:02:25,834
It was like
a disaster movie.
52
00:02:25,900 --> 00:02:27,434
Halfway through the "h,"
53
00:02:27,500 --> 00:02:30,134
I'm thinkin', "no, no!
Pull out now!"
54
00:02:30,201 --> 00:02:33,967
Have you ever tried to pull out
during an "h"?
55
00:02:35,567 --> 00:02:39,500
Jeff, the world,
in all its fabulous
diversity,
56
00:02:39,567 --> 00:02:41,967
is entirely populated
by people
57
00:02:42,034 --> 00:02:44,967
who have never tried
to pull out during an "h."
58
00:02:45,034 --> 00:02:48,567
D'you know why?
'Cause it isn't a proper letter!
59
00:02:48,633 --> 00:02:52,067
It's just a--
it's just a "hhh" noise.
60
00:02:52,134 --> 00:02:54,067
Once you've started
on the "hhh,"
61
00:02:54,134 --> 00:02:56,533
you've basically "h"ed.
So what could i say?
62
00:02:56,600 --> 00:02:59,167
H-hello? H-how are you?
63
00:02:59,234 --> 00:03:00,700
H-hippo?
64
00:03:00,767 --> 00:03:01,934
Hippo?
65
00:03:02,001 --> 00:03:03,301
You can't say hippo.
66
00:03:03,368 --> 00:03:05,633
You don't want to
come off sounding like
67
00:03:05,700 --> 00:03:08,267
some surreal cupboard
loitering lunatic.
68
00:03:08,334 --> 00:03:11,434
It's ironic that
you should have that
as a specific ambition.
69
00:03:11,500 --> 00:03:13,468
So i said, "hi."
70
00:03:13,533 --> 00:03:14,967
Suddenly it was out there,
71
00:03:15,034 --> 00:03:18,800
suddenly that little word was
hanging in the air...pouting.
72
00:03:18,867 --> 00:03:20,734
Pouting?
73
00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:23,034
Like a scantily dressed
prostitute
74
00:03:23,101 --> 00:03:25,167
reclining on a streetlamp.
75
00:03:29,533 --> 00:03:32,967
We're still talking about
the word "hi" right?
76
00:03:33,034 --> 00:03:35,967
Aren't you reading a lot
into a man saying "hi"?
77
00:03:36,034 --> 00:03:37,867
There's a bit more
to it than that.
78
00:03:45,967 --> 00:03:48,201
You said the hole punchers
were here.
79
00:03:48,267 --> 00:03:49,301
No, i didn't.
80
00:03:49,368 --> 00:03:52,067
I asked you,
and you said, "yes."
81
00:03:52,134 --> 00:03:56,067
Oh...that was just
a general "yes."
82
00:03:57,067 --> 00:03:59,401
Fine.
83
00:04:00,767 --> 00:04:02,067
As he turned away,
84
00:04:02,134 --> 00:04:05,900
i felt his eyes
burning into my very soul.
85
00:04:05,967 --> 00:04:07,734
As he turned away?
86
00:04:08,734 --> 00:04:10,700
So his eyes had to
burn through
87
00:04:10,767 --> 00:04:12,867
the back of
his own head first.
88
00:04:12,934 --> 00:04:15,967
I know!
The mad fool!
89
00:04:16,034 --> 00:04:17,267
What happened next?
90
00:04:17,334 --> 00:04:20,267
She took a large stapler
from one of the shelves.
91
00:04:20,334 --> 00:04:22,600
A large stapler?
92
00:04:24,034 --> 00:04:25,667
Sorry. It's hard to tell
93
00:04:25,734 --> 00:04:28,734
which part of the story
is meant to be interesting.
94
00:04:29,767 --> 00:04:33,533
Look, you just said "hi"
to some woman.
95
00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:35,667
It's not just
some woman, Steve.
96
00:04:35,734 --> 00:04:37,567
Wilma!
97
00:04:37,633 --> 00:04:38,967
Wilma?
98
00:04:39,034 --> 00:04:42,167
have a history
with Wilma lettings.
99
00:04:44,234 --> 00:04:48,034
Ilma has the desk opposite
the upper-floor photocopier.
100
00:04:48,101 --> 00:04:51,001
Opposite the photocopier?!
101
00:04:52,034 --> 00:04:53,867
Missed again, didn't i?
102
00:04:55,101 --> 00:04:57,267
Once...
About a year ago,
103
00:04:57,334 --> 00:05:01,001
i was photocopying some
of the '96-'97 correspondence,
104
00:05:01,067 --> 00:05:02,434
just casually,
105
00:05:02,500 --> 00:05:06,101
and in the course of events,
my head became trapped.
106
00:05:08,700 --> 00:05:10,800
Yeah, there's only so much
you can cover with
107
00:05:10,867 --> 00:05:12,468
"in the course of events."
108
00:05:12,533 --> 00:05:15,101
The shelf
above the photocopier
109
00:05:15,167 --> 00:05:16,900
fell down
and trapped my head.
110
00:05:16,967 --> 00:05:18,134
That's not the point.
111
00:05:18,201 --> 00:05:19,468
He point is
112
00:05:19,533 --> 00:05:24,401
the new and terrifying
location of my ass!
113
00:05:24,468 --> 00:05:28,234
My ass is now staring
Wilma lettings in the face.
114
00:05:29,234 --> 00:05:31,301
The more i tried to
get my head out,
115
00:05:31,368 --> 00:05:33,267
the more i have to
move my ass!
116
00:05:33,334 --> 00:05:36,001
It's an ass nightmare.
117
00:05:36,067 --> 00:05:37,967
An assmare.
118
00:05:38,034 --> 00:05:41,434
There i am innocently
trying to free my head
from the photocopier,
119
00:05:41,500 --> 00:05:45,167
and my ass is wiggling about
like an ass maniac.
120
00:05:45,234 --> 00:05:47,600
Ike--like an ass of insanity
121
00:05:47,667 --> 00:05:49,134
in the mind of a madman,
122
00:05:49,201 --> 00:05:51,800
right in the face
of Wilma lettings.
123
00:05:53,134 --> 00:05:55,234
Actually, i think
i heard laughter.
124
00:05:55,301 --> 00:05:59,001
Yeah?
It's possible.
125
00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:01,334
So, what with all
the laughter and everything,
126
00:06:01,401 --> 00:06:04,267
i refused to come out
from the photocopier.
127
00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:10,201
Why?
128
00:06:10,267 --> 00:06:12,134
Nobody knew it was me!
129
00:06:13,834 --> 00:06:17,368
And they'd all be gone
by 6:00.
130
00:06:17,434 --> 00:06:20,368
I just had to stay in there
for 40 minutes
131
00:06:20,434 --> 00:06:22,800
and there was a chance,
just a chance,
132
00:06:22,867 --> 00:06:25,001
i could walk in
the next morning
133
00:06:25,067 --> 00:06:27,834
and for once in my life
avoid total humiliation.
134
00:06:32,001 --> 00:06:35,001
made one tiny mistake.
135
00:06:44,034 --> 00:06:47,368
84 photocopies
of my face.
136
00:06:51,633 --> 00:06:53,734
Anyway...better just--
137
00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:56,800
probably got
stapling to do.
138
00:06:56,867 --> 00:06:58,900
Um...yeah.
139
00:07:00,967 --> 00:07:02,134
Um...
140
00:07:02,201 --> 00:07:04,134
Yeah?
141
00:07:04,201 --> 00:07:07,734
Just been meaning to say
that whole photocopier incident
142
00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:10,101
if you happen to
remember that...
143
00:07:10,167 --> 00:07:12,734
I pulled a stomach muscle.
144
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:15,734
It was very stupid,
the whole business.
145
00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:17,067
No big deal.
146
00:07:17,134 --> 00:07:18,834
One of the stupidest things
I've ever done.
147
00:07:18,900 --> 00:07:19,900
One of them?
148
00:07:19,967 --> 00:07:21,267
It's in the top three.
149
00:07:21,334 --> 00:07:24,334
I've got to ask,
what's number one?
150
00:07:24,401 --> 00:07:27,101
I urinated
behind Lorraine Kelly
151
00:07:27,167 --> 00:07:29,401
during
a live outside broadcast.
152
00:07:29,468 --> 00:07:31,533
Right.
153
00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:33,234
My mother saw it
154
00:07:33,301 --> 00:07:35,667
on a video wall
at dixons.
155
00:07:35,734 --> 00:07:38,134
She'd called
the whole shop over
156
00:07:38,201 --> 00:07:41,633
before i--events unfolded.
157
00:07:41,700 --> 00:07:43,201
Okay.
158
00:07:43,267 --> 00:07:44,700
At first,
159
00:07:44,767 --> 00:07:46,967
she thought i was
going to be a guest.
160
00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:48,834
Imagine her disappointment.
161
00:07:48,900 --> 00:07:50,167
I have a mental image.
162
00:07:50,234 --> 00:07:51,167
Number two?
163
00:07:51,234 --> 00:07:52,533
Very similar,
164
00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:54,301
but with ulrika Johnson.
165
00:07:54,368 --> 00:07:56,934
Well, I'm certainly sorry
I've missed out
166
00:07:57,001 --> 00:07:59,267
on the highlights
of your television career.
167
00:07:59,334 --> 00:08:00,368
Oh, no, don't worry!
168
00:08:00,434 --> 00:08:02,500
Apparently
i have a website.
169
00:08:02,567 --> 00:08:04,434
I'll look it up.
170
00:08:13,301 --> 00:08:15,067
Are you free
for a drink
on Friday?
171
00:08:15,134 --> 00:08:16,301
A drink?
172
00:08:16,368 --> 00:08:18,067
Yeah. A bunch of us
173
00:08:18,134 --> 00:08:20,067
sometimes go for a drink
after work.
174
00:08:20,134 --> 00:08:22,434
You should come along.
Thank you.
175
00:08:22,500 --> 00:08:27,533
And sorry again about the whole
photocopier/ass incident.
176
00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:30,834
God knows what you thought
from where you were sitting.
177
00:08:30,900 --> 00:08:32,234
Actually...
178
00:08:32,301 --> 00:08:36,101
I just thought you were
photocopying the wrong end.
179
00:08:39,500 --> 00:08:42,800
"You were photocopying
the wrong end."
180
00:08:42,867 --> 00:08:44,800
What do you think?
181
00:08:44,867 --> 00:08:46,667
Ulrika Johnson?
182
00:08:53,301 --> 00:08:56,134
We just stood there,
looking at each other.
183
00:08:56,201 --> 00:08:58,301
There was so much electricity
184
00:08:58,368 --> 00:09:01,767
you could've executed
ten fat murderers.
185
00:09:01,834 --> 00:09:04,301
It's always like that
when we get close.
186
00:09:04,368 --> 00:09:06,167
Always?
187
00:09:06,234 --> 00:09:09,201
We have a history.
188
00:09:11,500 --> 00:09:15,067
Ames came to
the radio station
about six months ago.
189
00:09:15,134 --> 00:09:18,368
remember the first time
i saw him.
190
00:09:28,934 --> 00:09:30,301
Aah!
191
00:09:31,533 --> 00:09:32,633
Aah!
192
00:09:35,134 --> 00:09:38,267
just knew i had to meet
this man as soon as possible
193
00:09:38,334 --> 00:09:41,567
without seeming like
some mad stalking woman,
194
00:09:41,633 --> 00:09:44,633
so i practiced
my opening line
over and over.
195
00:09:44,700 --> 00:09:46,301
Hi, I'm Jane.
196
00:09:46,368 --> 00:09:48,167
Nice car.
197
00:09:48,234 --> 00:09:51,101
Hi, I'm Jane.
198
00:09:51,167 --> 00:09:52,867
You've got a brilliant car.
199
00:09:52,934 --> 00:09:54,867
Nd i sat down, looked him
straight in the eye,
200
00:09:54,934 --> 00:09:58,800
and said, "hi, I'm Jane.
Ou've got a fantastic car."
201
00:09:58,867 --> 00:10:01,533
Hi, I'm Jane.
202
00:10:02,533 --> 00:10:04,301
You've got
a fantastic penis.
203
00:10:11,167 --> 00:10:12,234
I'm sorry?
204
00:10:12,301 --> 00:10:14,034
I used to have one of those.
205
00:10:15,667 --> 00:10:17,700
Well, my boyfriend did.
206
00:10:17,767 --> 00:10:19,167
But i wrote it off.
207
00:10:20,667 --> 00:10:23,800
You meant to say "car,"
didn't you?
208
00:10:23,867 --> 00:10:25,434
I did say "car."
209
00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:27,234
Yes.
210
00:10:27,301 --> 00:10:30,301
Yes, of course you did.
211
00:10:30,368 --> 00:10:33,034
Will you excuse me?
212
00:10:36,067 --> 00:10:38,334
So this history you have
with this guy
213
00:10:38,401 --> 00:10:41,434
amounts to bumping into him
a couple of times at work?
214
00:10:41,500 --> 00:10:43,800
I haven't told you
what happened the last time.
215
00:10:43,867 --> 00:10:45,700
So far he's picked up
a hole puncher.
216
00:10:45,767 --> 00:10:49,134
Nd that was
just the beginning.
217
00:10:52,134 --> 00:10:54,401
You're the girl i met
in the canteen, aren't you?
218
00:10:54,468 --> 00:10:57,567
I'm Jane.
I do the traffic reports...
219
00:10:57,633 --> 00:10:59,401
From a helicopter.
220
00:11:01,234 --> 00:11:02,600
What?
221
00:11:02,667 --> 00:11:05,368
No, I'm sorry.
I'm just remembering, um...
222
00:11:05,434 --> 00:11:07,434
You're the one who said--
223
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:08,633
said what?
224
00:11:08,700 --> 00:11:12,201
You meant to say car,
but you said "penis."
225
00:11:12,267 --> 00:11:13,633
I did not!
226
00:11:13,700 --> 00:11:15,434
I'm afraid you did.
227
00:11:15,500 --> 00:11:17,034
Look, mr. Conceited,
228
00:11:17,101 --> 00:11:19,301
just 'cause there's
an attractive man
in front of me
229
00:11:19,368 --> 00:11:21,633
doesn't mean
i start saying "penis"
when i mean "penis."
230
00:11:21,700 --> 00:11:24,134
I mean penis--car!
Penis--car!
231
00:11:24,201 --> 00:11:26,167
Penis...
232
00:11:29,734 --> 00:11:32,700
So, what do you do
at the radio station?
233
00:11:32,767 --> 00:11:34,667
I present
the religious program.
234
00:11:34,734 --> 00:11:36,301
The religious program?
235
00:11:36,368 --> 00:11:37,667
Yes, the modern Christian.
236
00:11:37,734 --> 00:11:40,334
I take it you're not
one of our listeners.
237
00:11:40,401 --> 00:11:43,600
Oh, no.
I have a television.
238
00:11:43,667 --> 00:11:46,034
But you don't look religious.
239
00:11:46,101 --> 00:11:48,468
You don't expect
religious people to have--
240
00:11:48,533 --> 00:11:50,334
you know...cars.
241
00:11:50,401 --> 00:11:53,567
I really hope you meant
to say "cars" that time.
242
00:11:53,633 --> 00:11:55,633
( chuckles )
243
00:11:57,001 --> 00:11:58,967
anyway...
244
00:11:59,034 --> 00:12:02,167
I should be getting on.
245
00:12:02,234 --> 00:12:03,567
Actually...
246
00:12:03,633 --> 00:12:06,134
I'm a Christian myself.
247
00:12:06,201 --> 00:12:08,001
I just happen to dress well.
248
00:12:08,067 --> 00:12:10,267
Really?
249
00:12:10,334 --> 00:12:14,567
You see, i find religion
very relevant to my work.
250
00:12:14,633 --> 00:12:16,600
When you spend your days
in a helicopter,
251
00:12:16,667 --> 00:12:18,533
dicing with actual death,
252
00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:21,533
sometimes you look down at
the ground so far below you,
253
00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:24,434
and you find yourself
thinking...
254
00:12:24,500 --> 00:12:27,001
I'm a bit like God.
255
00:12:30,067 --> 00:12:31,934
Okay.
256
00:12:32,001 --> 00:12:34,500
Only without the omnipotence
and the x-Ray vision.
257
00:12:35,834 --> 00:12:37,867
I don't think God's the one
with the x-Ray vision.
258
00:12:37,934 --> 00:12:39,667
Oh! This is wonderful.
259
00:12:39,734 --> 00:12:41,368
I don't often
discuss religion
260
00:12:41,434 --> 00:12:43,301
with someone who really
knows about it.
261
00:12:43,368 --> 00:12:45,800
Yes, that was coming across.
262
00:12:50,767 --> 00:12:52,301
Actually...
Yes?
263
00:12:52,368 --> 00:12:55,334
Just wondering...
Are you free on Friday night?
264
00:12:55,401 --> 00:12:58,600
I'd love to...
Be free on Friday night
265
00:12:58,667 --> 00:13:01,800
and, actually, i am!
266
00:13:01,867 --> 00:13:03,967
Praise the lord!
267
00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:07,334
It's just...
268
00:13:07,401 --> 00:13:10,401
What does he need me for
if he's already
worshipping God?
269
00:13:10,468 --> 00:13:13,001
I don't want to find myself
competing with God.
270
00:13:13,067 --> 00:13:15,500
It wouldn't be fair
on either of us.
271
00:13:15,567 --> 00:13:16,734
Anyway,
you've already got a date.
272
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:19,401
Obviously, he's got room
for both of you.
273
00:13:19,468 --> 00:13:21,234
Well, actually...
274
00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:23,301
It's not exactly a date.
275
00:13:23,368 --> 00:13:24,967
Then what exactly is it?
276
00:13:26,301 --> 00:13:29,900
Do you absolutely promise
not to laugh?
277
00:13:29,967 --> 00:13:34,267
Did she mean nice bottom
or "you were being an ass"?
278
00:13:34,334 --> 00:13:36,401
How long's this
going to go on?
279
00:13:36,468 --> 00:13:38,301
Does she dislike me facially
280
00:13:38,368 --> 00:13:40,667
or like me bottomly?
281
00:13:40,734 --> 00:13:43,134
Face, ass--
what's the big deal?
282
00:13:43,201 --> 00:13:46,334
Do you know
what asses are,
Patrick?
283
00:13:46,401 --> 00:13:49,101
Asses are the human race's
favorite thing.
284
00:13:49,167 --> 00:13:51,334
We like them on each other.
285
00:13:51,401 --> 00:13:53,368
We like them
on magazine covers.
286
00:13:53,434 --> 00:13:55,334
We even like them on babies.
287
00:13:55,401 --> 00:13:57,734
When we're alone,
we like to scratch them.
288
00:13:57,800 --> 00:13:59,468
When there's a fire,
we like to warm them.
289
00:13:59,533 --> 00:14:02,267
And who among us hasn't,
in a lonely moment,
290
00:14:02,334 --> 00:14:04,267
reached back
for a discreet fondle?
291
00:14:06,667 --> 00:14:08,368
We love our asses.
292
00:14:08,434 --> 00:14:10,134
When God gave us our asses,
293
00:14:10,201 --> 00:14:12,201
he had to stick them
round the back
294
00:14:12,267 --> 00:14:14,967
just so we wouldn't sit
and stare at them all day.
295
00:14:15,034 --> 00:14:17,267
'Cause when God made the ass,
he didn't say,
296
00:14:17,334 --> 00:14:21,167
"it's just your basic hinge.
Let's knock off early."
297
00:14:21,234 --> 00:14:26,934
He said, "behold ye angels,
i have created the ass."
298
00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:29,834
"Throughout the ages to come,
299
00:14:29,900 --> 00:14:32,167
"men and women
shall grab hold of these
300
00:14:32,234 --> 00:14:34,334
and shout my name."
301
00:14:37,301 --> 00:14:40,167
Why didn't you just tell her
you've got a girlfriend?
302
00:14:40,234 --> 00:14:43,334
Your girlfriend is her Boss.
Just tell her that.
303
00:14:43,401 --> 00:14:46,334
Let her know
where she stands
in the food chain.
304
00:14:46,401 --> 00:14:49,734
Julia doesn't want anyone
in the office to know about us.
305
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:52,234
Anyway, if i tell Wilma
I've got a girlfriend,
306
00:14:52,301 --> 00:14:54,567
that's like tellin' her
to back off,
307
00:14:54,633 --> 00:14:56,967
and i--i can't tell her
to back off
308
00:14:57,034 --> 00:14:58,468
till i know she's comin' on.
309
00:14:58,533 --> 00:15:01,900
I am grappling with the most
ancient dilemma of man.
310
00:15:01,967 --> 00:15:04,867
She likes me, but which end?
311
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:09,934
( Susan and Sally laughing )
312
00:15:20,301 --> 00:15:21,234
hi.
313
00:15:21,301 --> 00:15:23,800
Oh, hi.
314
00:15:23,867 --> 00:15:24,967
It's Jeff.
315
00:15:25,034 --> 00:15:26,134
I know.
316
00:15:26,201 --> 00:15:28,301
You're standing
in front of me.
317
00:15:28,368 --> 00:15:30,867
That's right, i am.
318
00:15:30,934 --> 00:15:34,234
Well, glad we got
that settled.
319
00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:36,600
Yeah.
320
00:15:36,667 --> 00:15:39,867
Listen...
Just wanted to say
321
00:15:39,934 --> 00:15:44,434
really looking forward
to that drink on Friday.
322
00:15:44,500 --> 00:15:46,434
I was going to ask
if you wanted to cancel
323
00:15:46,500 --> 00:15:49,267
because no one else
can make it,
324
00:15:49,334 --> 00:15:51,500
but, hey, what the hell.
Just the two of us, eh?
325
00:15:51,567 --> 00:15:52,600
Much nicer.
326
00:15:53,633 --> 00:15:56,267
Um...yeah. Much.
327
00:16:00,267 --> 00:16:04,800
Wilma, is this
an actual proper date?
328
00:16:06,334 --> 00:16:09,468
Yeah...okay.
329
00:16:13,533 --> 00:16:15,368
I have a girlfriend!
330
00:16:15,434 --> 00:16:17,167
Congratulations.
331
00:16:17,234 --> 00:16:19,267
I have a boyfriend.
332
00:16:22,067 --> 00:16:23,067
Oh, my God.
333
00:16:23,134 --> 00:16:24,600
I'm sorry.
334
00:16:24,667 --> 00:16:26,301
I didn't realize.
I thought--
335
00:16:26,368 --> 00:16:28,167
i thought
you meant date date,
336
00:16:28,234 --> 00:16:30,234
but you meant date.
337
00:16:30,301 --> 00:16:33,500
That's--that's fine.
That's wonderful.
338
00:16:33,567 --> 00:16:34,867
Oh, good.
339
00:16:34,934 --> 00:16:37,301
You've got a boyfriend.
That's brilliant, well done.
340
00:16:37,368 --> 00:16:39,567
I'm sorry to take up
so much of your time
341
00:16:39,633 --> 00:16:42,201
when you've got
a boyfriend of your own.
342
00:16:42,267 --> 00:16:44,201
I'll be off.
See you tomorrow night.
343
00:16:44,267 --> 00:16:46,201
You should bring
your boyfriend along.
344
00:16:46,267 --> 00:16:48,267
He's in Australia.
345
00:16:53,267 --> 00:16:54,734
Australia?
346
00:16:55,767 --> 00:16:57,934
Yeah.
Been there six months.
347
00:16:58,001 --> 00:16:59,800
You must miss him.
348
00:16:59,867 --> 00:17:02,201
Sure. I'm on the phone
to him all the time telling him.
349
00:17:02,267 --> 00:17:04,533
Of course you are.
350
00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:08,201
Shouldn't leave
a girl on her own
getting lonely every night.
351
00:17:08,267 --> 00:17:11,034
Getting lonely
specifically for him?
352
00:17:11,101 --> 00:17:14,533
Yeah...specifically for him.
353
00:17:16,067 --> 00:17:17,468
That's what i tell him.
354
00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:24,533
But, um...
355
00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:26,401
Uh...w-why--
356
00:17:26,468 --> 00:17:28,167
why...
357
00:17:28,234 --> 00:17:29,301
Why...
358
00:17:31,967 --> 00:17:34,167
Hippo!
359
00:17:35,401 --> 00:17:36,533
Sorry.
360
00:17:38,034 --> 00:17:39,900
Argh...
361
00:17:43,301 --> 00:17:46,468
( breathing heavily )
362
00:17:48,134 --> 00:17:49,134
hi, sexy.
363
00:17:51,533 --> 00:17:53,633
What's wrong?
364
00:17:53,700 --> 00:17:54,767
Uh, nothing's wrong.
365
00:17:54,834 --> 00:17:56,800
I'm just alert.
366
00:18:02,368 --> 00:18:04,267
Listen, Friday night...
367
00:18:04,334 --> 00:18:06,001
We're doing something
Friday night.
368
00:18:06,067 --> 00:18:08,633
I'll cancel everything
'cause you're my girlfriend.
369
00:18:08,700 --> 00:18:11,001
No, I'm going to Leeds
on Friday,
370
00:18:11,067 --> 00:18:13,834
and I'll have to
stay overnight.
371
00:18:13,900 --> 00:18:15,967
Ah...
372
00:18:16,034 --> 00:18:18,867
But you can go out, though.
It's Friday night.
373
00:18:18,934 --> 00:18:22,301
For once you can stay out late
without me checking up on you.
374
00:18:22,368 --> 00:18:25,567
Yeah, right. Great!
375
00:18:29,633 --> 00:18:30,834
See you later.
376
00:18:30,900 --> 00:18:32,368
Yeah, later.
377
00:18:32,434 --> 00:18:34,900
Okay, everybody,
say hi to Jane.
378
00:18:34,967 --> 00:18:37,167
Hi, Jane.
Hi.
379
00:18:37,234 --> 00:18:40,401
Jane, like all of us
has a keen interest in her faith
380
00:18:40,468 --> 00:18:42,967
and how it relates
to all aspects of her life.
381
00:18:43,034 --> 00:18:45,468
Don't worry, Jane.
It's all very informal.
382
00:18:45,533 --> 00:18:46,834
Okay.
383
00:18:46,900 --> 00:18:50,034
I'll just sit
next to Jane then,
shall i?
384
00:18:51,167 --> 00:18:54,067
Don't worry.
I won't bite you.
385
00:18:54,134 --> 00:18:56,468
Well, i won't
break your neck then.
386
00:19:00,334 --> 00:19:02,867
Okay, we're all
getting to know Jane,
387
00:19:02,934 --> 00:19:04,767
so are there
any questions for her?
388
00:19:04,834 --> 00:19:07,368
Jane, i was wondering, um,
389
00:19:07,434 --> 00:19:10,368
have you been religious
all your life,
390
00:19:10,434 --> 00:19:14,067
or is it something
that's happened to you
quite recently?
391
00:19:14,134 --> 00:19:16,900
Um...
392
00:19:18,001 --> 00:19:20,201
Both.
393
00:19:21,734 --> 00:19:24,500
I don't think
i quite understand
your answer.
394
00:19:24,567 --> 00:19:25,567
Oh, I'm sorry.
395
00:19:25,633 --> 00:19:27,134
( loudly )
both!
396
00:19:31,101 --> 00:19:33,368
Can i--can i just ask
397
00:19:33,434 --> 00:19:35,867
what aspect of
the religious experience is it
398
00:19:35,934 --> 00:19:37,834
that most appeals to you?
399
00:19:37,900 --> 00:19:40,001
What aspect?
400
00:19:40,067 --> 00:19:41,201
Yes.
401
00:19:41,267 --> 00:19:42,967
Of the religious experience,
402
00:19:43,034 --> 00:19:45,434
of the many aspects
of the religious experience.
403
00:19:45,500 --> 00:19:47,633
Exactly.
Is my favorite?
404
00:19:47,700 --> 00:19:48,867
Yeah.
405
00:19:48,934 --> 00:19:52,067
Well...I'd have to say...
406
00:19:53,934 --> 00:19:55,267
God!
407
00:19:56,667 --> 00:19:58,001
God?
408
00:19:58,067 --> 00:19:59,434
He's good, isn't he?
409
00:19:59,500 --> 00:20:02,800
I don't think you'll get
much argument out of us lot.
410
00:20:02,867 --> 00:20:05,101
And that was
just my first go!
411
00:20:06,368 --> 00:20:08,734
Um...can i ask something?
412
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:11,267
You go right ahead, dear.
413
00:20:11,334 --> 00:20:14,533
What do you feel
about the crisis of faith?
414
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:16,734
Sounds fantastic.
415
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:21,633
Sometimes i find
when my prayers seem
to go unanswered
416
00:20:21,700 --> 00:20:24,934
and it's so very hard
to find God's love in my life
417
00:20:25,001 --> 00:20:27,934
that it's difficult
to keep believing that
418
00:20:28,001 --> 00:20:31,633
God is still a real force
in the world watching over us.
419
00:20:31,700 --> 00:20:35,468
I find doubt so often
in my heart.
420
00:20:36,934 --> 00:20:37,900
You know...
421
00:20:37,967 --> 00:20:39,401
Perhaps i can help here.
422
00:20:39,468 --> 00:20:41,633
Sure. Go ahead.
That's what this is all about.
423
00:20:41,700 --> 00:20:43,700
What's your name?
Andrew.
424
00:20:43,767 --> 00:20:45,334
Andrew. Lovely.
425
00:20:45,401 --> 00:20:49,001
Well, Andrew,
there's something
i probably better explain.
426
00:20:49,067 --> 00:20:52,234
God is just a made-up person.
427
00:20:55,500 --> 00:21:00,167
You can't expect him to be
answering your prayers
if he's not real, can you?
428
00:21:00,234 --> 00:21:02,867
It's like writing
to the characters
of a soap opera
429
00:21:02,934 --> 00:21:06,267
and expecting a reply,
mr. Silly sausage!
430
00:21:07,401 --> 00:21:09,334
Jane...
431
00:21:09,401 --> 00:21:10,834
Yes, James?
432
00:21:10,900 --> 00:21:13,201
Here, we are rather
of the opinion
433
00:21:13,267 --> 00:21:14,600
that God is,
in fact, real.
434
00:21:14,667 --> 00:21:15,734
No!
435
00:21:18,134 --> 00:21:19,134
Yes.
436
00:21:20,934 --> 00:21:22,533
He's not, is he?
437
00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:24,934
Well, you don't
believe in God?
438
00:21:25,001 --> 00:21:28,767
Well--i suppose i never
found him very realistic.
439
00:21:28,834 --> 00:21:33,267
Here, we do rather hold to
the idea of one true loving God.
440
00:21:33,334 --> 00:21:35,167
Oh, no, that can't be right.
441
00:21:35,234 --> 00:21:36,700
I'm sorry?
442
00:21:36,767 --> 00:21:38,967
They've got different gods
in different countries.
443
00:21:39,034 --> 00:21:40,734
You should've checked that.
444
00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:43,834
Obviously,
there are other faiths.
445
00:21:43,900 --> 00:21:45,900
What if they're like mps,
446
00:21:45,967 --> 00:21:48,267
and there's different
gods for different areas,
447
00:21:48,334 --> 00:21:50,734
and they all report
to a sort of head God,
448
00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:54,101
like...thor or somebody?
449
00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:58,134
"Thor"?
450
00:21:58,201 --> 00:22:02,001
Thor, the thunder God,
the one with the hammer.
451
00:22:02,067 --> 00:22:05,134
We did him at school.
He was totally my favorite.
452
00:22:05,201 --> 00:22:09,234
You know, I'm not that easy,
but show me a muscular blonde
453
00:22:09,301 --> 00:22:13,134
who can control the weather,
and this girl's on all fours.
454
00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:17,334
Okay. Let's move on,
shall we.
455
00:22:17,401 --> 00:22:20,101
Has anyone else got something
they want to discuss?
456
00:22:20,167 --> 00:22:21,767
Perhaps we should go back
457
00:22:21,834 --> 00:22:24,267
to what we were
discussing last week.
458
00:22:24,334 --> 00:22:26,267
Yes, we had a very
lively debate last week.
459
00:22:26,334 --> 00:22:29,500
What about?
Sex before marriage.
460
00:22:29,567 --> 00:22:32,900
Ah...now you're
talking my language!
461
00:22:35,667 --> 00:22:37,368
We're against it.
462
00:22:37,434 --> 00:22:38,834
I'm sorry?
463
00:22:38,900 --> 00:22:41,334
A number of us feel
that premarital sex
464
00:22:41,401 --> 00:22:43,301
is a very bad thing.
465
00:22:43,368 --> 00:22:44,533
Oh, you're so wrong!
466
00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:46,101
Shagging's brilliant!
467
00:22:47,767 --> 00:22:51,001
Take it when you can get it
is what i say!
468
00:22:51,067 --> 00:22:53,434
Jane, there are many
different views on this.
469
00:22:53,500 --> 00:22:55,800
Some people are happy with
the idea of multiple partners.
470
00:22:55,867 --> 00:22:57,101
Some people, like myself,
471
00:22:57,167 --> 00:22:59,267
simply prefer
to avoid premarital sex.
472
00:22:59,334 --> 00:23:00,267
Exactly!
473
00:23:00,334 --> 00:23:02,334
You don't seem to realize...
474
00:23:05,967 --> 00:23:07,567
Is something wrong, Jane?
475
00:23:07,633 --> 00:23:11,267
No!!!
476
00:23:30,700 --> 00:23:31,834
Target acquired.
477
00:23:31,900 --> 00:23:33,934
Target acquired.
478
00:23:34,001 --> 00:23:36,500
That means
he's arrived?
479
00:23:36,567 --> 00:23:38,800
We have our advisors
on-line.
480
00:23:38,867 --> 00:23:40,867
That's you two.
This is ridiculous!
481
00:23:40,934 --> 00:23:43,167
Why does he need us
to translate for him?
482
00:23:43,234 --> 00:23:46,034
Women aren't a completely
different species, you know.
483
00:23:46,101 --> 00:23:49,401
Jeff, women aren't
a completely different species.
484
00:23:49,468 --> 00:23:52,234
He just needs to find out
if it's a friendly drink
485
00:23:52,301 --> 00:23:53,667
or a date drink.
486
00:23:53,734 --> 00:23:56,600
He'll do friendly,
but he won't
do date.
487
00:23:56,667 --> 00:23:58,067
Why doesn't he know already?
488
00:23:58,134 --> 00:23:59,767
Because he is Jeff,
489
00:23:59,834 --> 00:24:02,468
and there is no known cure.
490
00:24:03,934 --> 00:24:05,001
Hi.
491
00:24:07,134 --> 00:24:08,167
Excuse me.
492
00:24:10,134 --> 00:24:12,101
I don't see why
it's such a problem.
493
00:24:12,167 --> 00:24:14,201
It is not
scientifically possible
494
00:24:14,267 --> 00:24:16,934
for a man to know
what a woman wants.
495
00:24:17,001 --> 00:24:18,301
And that's not fair
496
00:24:18,368 --> 00:24:20,468
'cause you always know
what we want.
497
00:24:20,533 --> 00:24:22,900
Because we have the decency
to only want one thing.
498
00:24:22,967 --> 00:24:26,500
And do you ever thank us
for making it so simple?
499
00:24:26,567 --> 00:24:27,700
Never!
500
00:24:27,767 --> 00:24:29,867
I just think
it's stupid!
501
00:24:29,934 --> 00:24:31,234
Where is he now?
502
00:24:31,301 --> 00:24:33,001
Lrika!
503
00:24:33,067 --> 00:24:35,134
The loo.
504
00:24:42,001 --> 00:24:43,267
So...
505
00:24:43,334 --> 00:24:44,800
Is it always like that?
506
00:24:44,867 --> 00:24:46,700
Actually,
that was quite lively,
507
00:24:46,767 --> 00:24:50,201
and the punch was,
i believe, unprecedented.
508
00:24:51,667 --> 00:24:55,301
So...you and God, then?
509
00:24:55,368 --> 00:24:58,600
Me and God.
510
00:24:58,667 --> 00:25:01,434
I don't mean to put you
on the spot, but...
511
00:25:01,500 --> 00:25:03,334
What's he got that i haven't?
512
00:25:03,401 --> 00:25:05,734
He created the universe,
513
00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:07,434
the world we live in,
514
00:25:07,500 --> 00:25:09,434
the sun, the Sea,
515
00:25:09,500 --> 00:25:11,500
the skies, the stars.
516
00:25:13,401 --> 00:25:14,434
And you.
517
00:25:14,500 --> 00:25:18,101
Personally, i think
his work's improving.
518
00:25:30,434 --> 00:25:33,533
And this...
Premarital thing...
519
00:25:34,834 --> 00:25:36,134
Sorry.
520
00:25:36,201 --> 00:25:38,267
I happen to want
to remain a virgin
till my wedding night.
521
00:25:38,334 --> 00:25:40,734
Do you have to start now?
522
00:25:42,533 --> 00:25:43,667
Yes.
523
00:25:43,734 --> 00:25:46,101
Would it help
if i took my top off?
524
00:25:48,401 --> 00:25:49,533
No.
525
00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:52,667
Are you absolutely sure
you're a man?!
526
00:25:52,734 --> 00:25:54,600
Can i see you again?
527
00:25:54,667 --> 00:25:57,667
James, I'm horrible.
528
00:25:57,734 --> 00:26:00,434
I'm totally self-involved
529
00:26:00,500 --> 00:26:02,434
and a compulsive
attention-seeker.
530
00:26:02,500 --> 00:26:07,101
And tonight i was really mean
to all your little friends.
531
00:26:07,167 --> 00:26:09,767
How could you possibly
want to see me again?
532
00:26:13,434 --> 00:26:14,767
I have faith.
533
00:26:19,001 --> 00:26:19,934
Hi.
Hi.
534
00:26:20,001 --> 00:26:23,468
Well, I'm back
from the toilet now.
535
00:26:23,533 --> 00:26:26,834
Well...yes, i know.
536
00:26:26,900 --> 00:26:28,034
He's back from the toilet now.
537
00:26:28,101 --> 00:26:30,067
Check.
538
00:26:30,134 --> 00:26:32,101
Okay. Before we get
any further,
539
00:26:32,167 --> 00:26:34,001
it's cards-on-the-table time.
540
00:26:34,067 --> 00:26:36,001
I fancy you like mad,
541
00:26:36,067 --> 00:26:39,201
and i think you fancy me.
542
00:26:39,267 --> 00:26:40,767
Am i right?
543
00:26:45,767 --> 00:26:47,800
Need any help
translating that one?
544
00:26:49,134 --> 00:26:50,567
These are my ovaries.
545
00:26:50,633 --> 00:26:52,533
Please come inside.
546
00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:55,001
Careful Jeff,
she's packing ovaries.
547
00:26:56,533 --> 00:26:58,167
Julia: Oh, is that Jeff?
548
00:26:58,234 --> 00:27:01,667
I've been trying to phone.
It's constantly engaged.
549
00:27:01,734 --> 00:27:04,800
Oh, look, everyone,
it's Julia!
Jeff's girlfriend!
550
00:27:04,867 --> 00:27:07,468
Who's now taking the phone!
551
00:27:10,934 --> 00:27:12,101
Are you okay?
552
00:27:13,334 --> 00:27:15,533
Hi, Jeff, it's me, darling.
553
00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:17,567
Hello.
554
00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:21,101
Hello.
555
00:27:21,167 --> 00:27:22,633
I'm just heading off.
556
00:27:22,700 --> 00:27:25,234
I just wanted to say
i love you
557
00:27:25,301 --> 00:27:28,834
and have a fantastic time
tonight.
558
00:27:30,567 --> 00:27:32,234
Are you okay?
559
00:27:32,301 --> 00:27:35,767
I'm fine.
560
00:27:35,834 --> 00:27:37,567
I think I've got a cold coming.
561
00:27:37,633 --> 00:27:39,600
I've been feeling
dreadful all day.
562
00:27:39,667 --> 00:27:42,101
But don't you worry about
silly ol' me.
563
00:27:42,167 --> 00:27:44,368
You just tell me you love me,
564
00:27:44,434 --> 00:27:46,101
and get out
and enjoy yourself.
565
00:27:51,034 --> 00:27:53,633
Come on, Jeff,
it's a simple enough question.
566
00:27:53,700 --> 00:27:54,967
Do you fancy me?
567
00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:01,700
Jeff?
Do you love me?
568
00:28:01,767 --> 00:28:04,633
Well, Jeff?
Do you fancy me?
569
00:28:06,201 --> 00:28:08,101
Jeff?
570
00:28:12,368 --> 00:28:16,267
Yes! Yes, of course i do.
571
00:28:23,700 --> 00:28:27,267
* if you can't
make your mind up *
572
00:28:27,334 --> 00:28:31,867
* we'll never get started *
573
00:28:33,234 --> 00:28:35,767
* and i don't want to wind up *
574
00:28:35,834 --> 00:28:38,201
* bein' parted *
575
00:28:38,267 --> 00:28:41,468
* broken-hearted *
576
00:28:41,533 --> 00:28:44,967
* so if you really love me *
577
00:28:45,034 --> 00:28:46,934
* say yes *
578
00:28:47,001 --> 00:28:49,633
* and please don't tell me *
579
00:28:49,700 --> 00:28:50,700
* perhaps *
580
00:28:50,767 --> 00:28:51,767
* perhaps *
581
00:28:51,834 --> 00:28:52,934
* perhaps *