1
00:00:01,468 --> 00:00:03,468
**
2
00:00:08,934 --> 00:00:12,234
* you won't admit you love me *
3
00:00:12,234 --> 00:00:13,800
* and so
4
00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:16,301
* how am i ever
5
00:00:16,301 --> 00:00:18,167
* to know
6
00:00:18,167 --> 00:00:21,134
* you always tell me
7
00:00:21,134 --> 00:00:24,533
* perhaps, perhaps, perhaps
8
00:00:25,567 --> 00:00:27,800
* perhaps
9
00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:29,900
* perhaps
10
00:00:29,900 --> 00:00:32,167
* perhaps
11
00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:50,167
good sir, i wonder
how long thou canst tarry
12
00:00:50,167 --> 00:00:52,600
in my enchanted glade.
13
00:00:53,834 --> 00:00:55,633
I've never had any complaints.
14
00:00:56,967 --> 00:00:59,834
Then, good sir, why do you
take your leave so soon?
15
00:00:59,834 --> 00:01:02,134
Stay a while,
that we might talk
16
00:01:02,134 --> 00:01:04,401
of the love
we have shared this night.
17
00:01:04,401 --> 00:01:06,134
My Lady, i thank you
for your kindness,
18
00:01:06,134 --> 00:01:11,101
but I'm much a-wearied,
and must fly hence...wards.
19
00:01:11,101 --> 00:01:14,401
My love is not enough
for your lordship.
20
00:01:14,401 --> 00:01:17,134
Not enough? I'm lucky
it's still attached.
21
00:01:17,134 --> 00:01:19,234
Then stay.
22
00:01:19,234 --> 00:01:21,067
Talk with me.
23
00:01:21,067 --> 00:01:24,067
Teach me to be
your deepest desire.
24
00:01:24,067 --> 00:01:26,734
What, twins?
25
00:01:28,667 --> 00:01:31,633
Stay a while,
i beg you, gentle knight.
26
00:01:31,633 --> 00:01:33,368
My good Lady,
the hour is late,
27
00:01:33,368 --> 00:01:36,500
and i needs must now
in yonder castle
28
00:01:36,500 --> 00:01:39,034
a bed wouldst be.
29
00:01:40,633 --> 00:01:44,734
For you, love is a burden
you are quick to unload.
30
00:01:44,734 --> 00:01:45,900
Yeah, sorry about that,
31
00:01:45,900 --> 00:01:47,533
but in a way,
it was a compliment.
32
00:01:49,767 --> 00:01:51,934
Look, I'll send a messenger.
33
00:01:55,267 --> 00:01:57,368
Good sir, before you leave,
34
00:01:57,368 --> 00:01:58,900
you must play the game.
35
00:01:58,900 --> 00:02:00,401
What game, my Lady?
36
00:02:00,401 --> 00:02:02,934
This game, my liege.
37
00:02:04,334 --> 00:02:07,600
No man may leave the glade
who does not play the game.
38
00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:09,934
What manner of game
is this?
39
00:02:09,934 --> 00:02:12,334
It is a game of forfeits.
40
00:02:12,334 --> 00:02:15,834
If a maiden should win,
then her knight may
never leave her side,
41
00:02:15,834 --> 00:02:18,500
forsaking his home,
his life,
42
00:02:18,500 --> 00:02:21,201
and all other loves.
43
00:02:21,201 --> 00:02:23,434
For this is the game...
44
00:02:27,500 --> 00:02:29,468
...of coupling.
45
00:02:33,834 --> 00:02:36,533
What happens if a knight
should win this game?
46
00:02:38,900 --> 00:02:40,201
Nobody knows.
47
00:02:41,700 --> 00:02:42,900
Bugger.
48
00:02:44,234 --> 00:02:46,900
Patrick, are you always
like this with women?
49
00:02:46,900 --> 00:02:49,967
Straight home like
some kind of guided missile.
50
00:02:49,967 --> 00:02:52,034
I've never had any complaints.
51
00:02:53,301 --> 00:02:54,867
Where are you going?
52
00:02:54,867 --> 00:02:56,101
Back to my flat.
53
00:02:56,101 --> 00:02:57,134
Why?
54
00:02:57,134 --> 00:02:58,201
I live there.
55
00:02:59,567 --> 00:03:01,934
Look, I'll see you tomorrow.
56
00:03:03,667 --> 00:03:06,734
Sorry, my hand just does that
whenever i talk to women.
57
00:03:07,767 --> 00:03:10,234
This is the afterglow.
58
00:03:10,234 --> 00:03:13,800
We're supposed to be together
talking, bonding.
59
00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:16,234
We did the talking first,
then worked our way up
to the sex.
60
00:03:16,234 --> 00:03:17,434
If we go back to the talking,
61
00:03:17,434 --> 00:03:19,301
it'll feel like
we're not getting anywhere.
62
00:03:19,301 --> 00:03:21,167
People talk after sex.
63
00:03:21,167 --> 00:03:23,567
It's normal.
It's nice.
64
00:03:23,567 --> 00:03:25,734
It's better before.
There's a point
to the conversation.
65
00:03:25,734 --> 00:03:27,167
There's something
to look forward to.
66
00:03:27,167 --> 00:03:29,267
Now you're already naked.
Job done.
67
00:03:29,267 --> 00:03:30,734
So all the time
we're talking,
68
00:03:30,734 --> 00:03:32,533
you're just thinking
about me naked?
69
00:03:32,533 --> 00:03:34,134
Uh, yeah.
70
00:03:34,134 --> 00:03:37,567
We talked about
third world debt.
71
00:03:37,567 --> 00:03:40,001
And i became aware
of your thong.
72
00:03:41,434 --> 00:03:42,867
Aware of it?
73
00:03:42,867 --> 00:03:45,500
From nowhere.
It's a gift.
74
00:03:45,500 --> 00:03:47,600
Plight of the homeless?
75
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:49,500
Hold-ups.
76
00:03:49,500 --> 00:03:52,934
Patrick, you are
the shallowest
human being alive.
77
00:03:52,934 --> 00:03:55,401
So you said at dinner,
front-loader.
78
00:03:56,500 --> 00:03:59,101
I wasn't wearing a bra.
79
00:03:59,101 --> 00:04:01,867
Maybe i was picking up
the waitress.
80
00:04:01,867 --> 00:04:03,167
You were thinking about it?
81
00:04:03,167 --> 00:04:05,067
Well, I'm sorry,
it's automatic.
82
00:04:05,067 --> 00:04:06,167
It's the uniform.
83
00:04:06,167 --> 00:04:08,201
She wasn't wearing
a uniform.
84
00:04:08,201 --> 00:04:10,867
Ah, i projected the uniform.
You had one, too.
85
00:04:12,368 --> 00:04:15,633
I was trying to discuss
the value of liberal politics...
86
00:04:17,167 --> 00:04:18,567
And i was a waitress?
87
00:04:18,567 --> 00:04:19,567
You were a nurse.
88
00:04:19,567 --> 00:04:21,101
What was i doing
as a nurse?
89
00:04:21,101 --> 00:04:22,234
Discussing the wine list
90
00:04:22,234 --> 00:04:24,234
with a policewoman
and the dental receptionist.
91
00:04:25,734 --> 00:04:28,468
What's it like
in your world, Patrick?
92
00:04:28,468 --> 00:04:30,301
Well, the view's good,
93
00:04:30,301 --> 00:04:32,734
and there's
full employment for women.
94
00:04:34,034 --> 00:04:35,934
Why don't you stay?
95
00:04:37,001 --> 00:04:38,468
Stay?
96
00:04:38,468 --> 00:04:40,500
You can stay here.
97
00:04:40,500 --> 00:04:43,134
You don't have to go.
98
00:04:43,134 --> 00:04:47,301
Uh, well, i need to change
for the office for the morning.
99
00:04:47,301 --> 00:04:49,034
Oh.
100
00:04:51,234 --> 00:04:55,134
I cleaned some of the stuff
you left here last time.
101
00:04:59,567 --> 00:05:02,533
Oh...great.
102
00:05:02,533 --> 00:05:04,234
Great, thanks.
103
00:05:04,234 --> 00:05:08,334
Uh, not actually the shirt
i was planning to wear.
104
00:05:12,001 --> 00:05:15,067
Well, which is
more important?
105
00:05:15,067 --> 00:05:16,767
The shirt or me?
106
00:05:20,967 --> 00:05:22,633
Good point.
Absolutely.
107
00:05:22,633 --> 00:05:25,633
Um, the thing is...
108
00:05:25,633 --> 00:05:28,167
Big meeting tomorrow,
first thing.
109
00:05:34,234 --> 00:05:35,600
Better stay here, then.
110
00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:37,234
Much closer to your office.
111
00:05:41,001 --> 00:05:43,101
Right, yes.
112
00:05:43,101 --> 00:05:44,567
That's another good point.
113
00:05:44,567 --> 00:05:47,101
That's two good points now.
114
00:05:47,101 --> 00:05:49,734
Um, it's just that...
115
00:05:49,734 --> 00:05:51,800
What?
116
00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:55,101
Well, I've been spending
a lot of nights here lately,
117
00:05:55,101 --> 00:05:57,500
and i thought it might be
a nice change to...
118
00:05:57,500 --> 00:05:59,667
To what?
119
00:06:12,533 --> 00:06:13,734
Nothing.
120
00:06:13,734 --> 00:06:16,900
Well, that's settled, then.
121
00:06:16,900 --> 00:06:18,267
I'll get you a towel.
122
00:06:19,434 --> 00:06:20,967
I'll need a razor.
123
00:06:20,967 --> 00:06:23,067
Uh, for the morning meeting.
124
00:06:23,067 --> 00:06:25,700
A proper razor--
i need to shave properly.
125
00:06:25,700 --> 00:06:27,401
Oh, don't you worry.
126
00:06:27,401 --> 00:06:30,201
I've got a razor
that can handle anything.
127
00:06:30,201 --> 00:06:31,767
Why?
128
00:06:39,334 --> 00:06:43,767
Play your cards right,
and I'll show you.
129
00:06:56,667 --> 00:06:58,034
Bugger.
130
00:06:59,500 --> 00:07:01,468
Patrick?
131
00:07:01,468 --> 00:07:02,900
Yes?
132
00:07:06,001 --> 00:07:07,401
Can i ask you something?
133
00:07:07,401 --> 00:07:08,567
Sure.
134
00:07:10,067 --> 00:07:11,867
Why do men never--
135
00:07:11,867 --> 00:07:13,734
never what?
136
00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:15,700
That is a weird question.
137
00:07:15,700 --> 00:07:17,834
That's what i thought.
138
00:07:17,834 --> 00:07:19,533
Well, what did you say?
139
00:07:19,533 --> 00:07:23,800
He said, "because men believe
in the sanctity of the law.
140
00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:26,201
"Because men are aware
of the many penalties
141
00:07:26,201 --> 00:07:28,201
"and sanctions
that can be imposed,
142
00:07:28,201 --> 00:07:31,767
and because men just don't
have the concealment crevices."
143
00:07:31,767 --> 00:07:33,368
What did she say?
144
00:07:33,368 --> 00:07:35,900
Uh, she said, "no, Patrick.
145
00:07:35,900 --> 00:07:38,101
"Not smuggle,
146
00:07:38,101 --> 00:07:40,767
snuggle."
147
00:07:41,867 --> 00:07:42,900
Oh...
148
00:07:44,201 --> 00:07:45,468
Yeah.
149
00:07:45,468 --> 00:07:47,600
Kinda makes more sense
now, actually.
150
00:07:49,867 --> 00:07:52,368
Concealment crevices?
151
00:07:52,368 --> 00:07:54,201
That one's haunting me.
152
00:07:54,201 --> 00:07:55,700
It could run and run.
153
00:07:57,301 --> 00:07:59,267
So why don't men snuggle?
154
00:07:59,267 --> 00:08:00,468
Fact of science.
155
00:08:00,468 --> 00:08:01,567
They hate it.
156
00:08:01,567 --> 00:08:02,767
What's there to hate?
157
00:08:02,767 --> 00:08:03,867
Hair in your face.
158
00:08:03,867 --> 00:08:05,368
Someone breathing
on you.
159
00:08:05,368 --> 00:08:06,500
Contact sweat.
160
00:08:06,500 --> 00:08:08,567
You get less than a foot
of the total bed width.
161
00:08:08,567 --> 00:08:11,567
They seem to have
these extra limbs
to wrap you up in.
162
00:08:11,567 --> 00:08:12,667
It's a fact.
163
00:08:12,667 --> 00:08:14,434
As soon as you
turn out the light,
164
00:08:14,434 --> 00:08:17,267
women start
unfolding extra limbs.
165
00:08:17,267 --> 00:08:19,533
The moment you move,
even the tiniest bit,
166
00:08:19,533 --> 00:08:21,567
they wake up
and ask you what's wrong.
167
00:08:21,567 --> 00:08:22,667
Every time!
168
00:08:22,667 --> 00:08:24,134
What's wrong
is I'm trapped
169
00:08:24,134 --> 00:08:26,667
under a hairy,
inquisitive sex octopus.
170
00:08:28,167 --> 00:08:31,633
Which, as it turned out,
wasn't the answer
she was expecting.
171
00:08:32,834 --> 00:08:35,533
A hairy, inquisitive
sex octopus?
172
00:08:35,533 --> 00:08:40,267
With concealment crevices
and a sideline in smuggling.
173
00:08:40,267 --> 00:08:44,267
There are times
when "in a good way"
doesn't cover it.
174
00:08:44,267 --> 00:08:45,667
No.
175
00:08:45,667 --> 00:08:47,101
Thing is, Steve,
176
00:08:47,101 --> 00:08:50,001
I'm there practically
every night.
177
00:08:50,001 --> 00:08:53,468
We go to Sally's flat,
we have sex--
178
00:08:53,468 --> 00:08:55,700
good sex,
excellent sex--
179
00:08:55,700 --> 00:08:57,667
I'm not complaining
about the sex--
180
00:08:57,667 --> 00:09:00,667
I'll give her eight
or nine out of ten
for the sex every time.
181
00:09:00,667 --> 00:09:02,334
Not that she ever
looks pleased.
182
00:09:02,334 --> 00:09:05,867
But then,
i can't seem to get home.
183
00:09:05,867 --> 00:09:08,434
Whatever i say,
whatever excuse
i come up with,
184
00:09:08,434 --> 00:09:11,967
there's always
some clever answer,
like "no, stay."
185
00:09:13,434 --> 00:09:15,834
I've tried everything--
"I've got an early start,
186
00:09:15,834 --> 00:09:18,167
i need a change of clothes,
I've gotta feed the cat."
187
00:09:18,167 --> 00:09:19,434
You don't have a cat.
188
00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:21,667
You see, now i can't even
get away from you!
189
00:09:21,667 --> 00:09:22,934
Sorry.
190
00:09:22,934 --> 00:09:26,001
The thing is, Steve,
i just wanna go home.
191
00:09:26,001 --> 00:09:27,500
Of course you do.
192
00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:30,468
I mean,
don't get me wrong,
i wanna keep her on.
193
00:09:30,468 --> 00:09:32,700
Termination is not
being tabled here.
194
00:09:32,700 --> 00:09:35,167
And it's not like
i haven't said that to her.
195
00:09:35,167 --> 00:09:37,201
But sometimes
i just want my own bed.
196
00:09:37,201 --> 00:09:38,567
I know.
197
00:09:38,567 --> 00:09:41,600
I want a bed you can find
without excavating
198
00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:44,734
through a pile
of soft toys and cushions.
199
00:09:44,734 --> 00:09:47,067
Why do they do that?
200
00:09:47,067 --> 00:09:49,500
Why do they
camouflage their beds
201
00:09:49,500 --> 00:09:52,001
during the daylight hours?
202
00:09:52,001 --> 00:09:54,500
Are people trying
to steal their beds?
203
00:09:54,500 --> 00:09:57,267
( mock urgency )
bed thieves are operating
in your area.
204
00:09:57,267 --> 00:09:58,967
Secure all doors and windows,
205
00:09:58,967 --> 00:10:00,867
and make a large pile
of raggy dolls
206
00:10:00,867 --> 00:10:02,800
in the center of your duvet.
207
00:10:03,934 --> 00:10:05,401
Steve,
you know what i need?
208
00:10:07,267 --> 00:10:09,734
S-sorry, you're actually
expecting me to guess?
209
00:10:09,734 --> 00:10:12,267
I need a magic sentence.
210
00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:16,167
Yeah, i would've been
fairly wide of the mark, anyway.
211
00:10:16,167 --> 00:10:19,267
I need a sentence
that starts with the words
212
00:10:19,267 --> 00:10:21,567
"i need to
go home now because"
213
00:10:21,567 --> 00:10:23,667
and ends with me going home.
214
00:10:23,667 --> 00:10:26,267
Oh, Patrick.
215
00:10:26,267 --> 00:10:28,368
That sentence doesn't exist.
216
00:10:28,368 --> 00:10:29,834
Don't tell me that.
217
00:10:31,067 --> 00:10:32,700
Do you want these
on the table?
218
00:10:32,700 --> 00:10:34,368
Thanks, yeah.
219
00:10:34,368 --> 00:10:36,001
But apart from all that,
220
00:10:36,001 --> 00:10:38,468
apart from the octopus
comparison issues...
221
00:10:38,468 --> 00:10:41,401
( chuckles ) like how
you're selling that
as a typical problem.
222
00:10:41,401 --> 00:10:43,401
I think
it's going pretty well.
223
00:10:43,401 --> 00:10:44,468
Great.
224
00:10:44,468 --> 00:10:46,067
We're hanging in there.
225
00:10:46,067 --> 00:10:48,267
I only panic
at the usual times of day.
226
00:10:48,267 --> 00:10:50,334
We've got over
all the major hurdles.
227
00:10:50,334 --> 00:10:52,633
Yeah, absolutely.
228
00:10:52,633 --> 00:10:53,767
What do you mean,
229
00:10:53,767 --> 00:10:56,234
"yeah, absolutely"?
230
00:10:56,234 --> 00:11:00,234
Well, you know,
"yeah" and "absolutely."
231
00:11:00,234 --> 00:11:01,368
No, you don't.
232
00:11:01,368 --> 00:11:03,034
You were being all,
you know.
233
00:11:03,034 --> 00:11:04,334
All what?
234
00:11:04,334 --> 00:11:06,134
All Susan-y.
235
00:11:06,134 --> 00:11:09,667
Well, since i am Susan,
that's a tad non-specific.
236
00:11:09,667 --> 00:11:13,468
You were being all,
"I'm Susan, I'm sensible,
237
00:11:13,468 --> 00:11:16,533
"i know better than you,
i make lots of lists,
238
00:11:16,533 --> 00:11:19,101
"I've got the perkiest
little bottom
in all of toyland,
239
00:11:19,101 --> 00:11:21,867
and i trot along the street
like a happy, trotting elf."
240
00:11:24,167 --> 00:11:25,533
I'm sorry.
241
00:11:25,533 --> 00:11:26,600
I just opened my mouth,
242
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:28,101
and there was
a bit more in there
243
00:11:28,101 --> 00:11:29,567
than i was expecting.
244
00:11:29,567 --> 00:11:32,700
Where did
"happy trotting elf"
come from?
245
00:11:32,700 --> 00:11:34,667
Just off the top of my head.
246
00:11:34,667 --> 00:11:37,201
I didn't have time
to think of anything nice.
247
00:11:37,201 --> 00:11:39,734
A whole world
of Scary insight right there.
248
00:11:39,734 --> 00:11:42,101
Um, okay, there are
two major hurdles.
249
00:11:42,101 --> 00:11:43,567
The first time you have sex.
250
00:11:43,567 --> 00:11:45,401
Done that one.
Hurdled that one.
251
00:11:45,401 --> 00:11:47,301
Been back a few times
and checked.
252
00:11:47,301 --> 00:11:50,101
Trust me, it's hurdled.
253
00:11:50,101 --> 00:11:53,500
And then,
much more importantly,
254
00:11:53,500 --> 00:11:56,034
much more significantly...
255
00:11:56,034 --> 00:11:57,468
What?
256
00:11:58,567 --> 00:11:59,700
You'll find out.
257
00:12:01,067 --> 00:12:03,134
You have got to tell me!
258
00:12:03,134 --> 00:12:05,434
Who, me?
Santa's bounciest helper?
259
00:12:05,434 --> 00:12:07,067
Susan the happy trotting elf?
260
00:12:07,067 --> 00:12:09,967
You told her about that?
261
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:13,301
You're in
on the trotting elf?
262
00:12:14,633 --> 00:12:18,067
This is some kind of shared joke
that i am not a part of.
263
00:12:18,067 --> 00:12:20,101
You are a part of it.
You're the butt.
264
00:12:21,368 --> 00:12:23,734
Okay, that was gonna
sound better.
265
00:12:23,734 --> 00:12:25,667
Susan, we were
just having a laugh.
266
00:12:25,667 --> 00:12:27,434
A few glasses of wine,
you know.
267
00:12:27,434 --> 00:12:29,334
So a few glasses of wine,
a few laughs,
268
00:12:29,334 --> 00:12:31,468
and it's Susan
the happy, trotting elf.
269
00:12:31,468 --> 00:12:32,867
It's nothing nasty.
270
00:12:32,867 --> 00:12:34,301
I'll fax you the lyrics.
271
00:12:38,934 --> 00:12:40,267
The lyrics?
272
00:12:40,267 --> 00:12:42,234
I'll fax them over.
273
00:12:42,234 --> 00:12:43,533
It's a song?
274
00:12:43,533 --> 00:12:45,767
Actually, i thought
you did fax them.
275
00:12:45,767 --> 00:12:48,401
Well, not to Susan.
276
00:12:48,401 --> 00:12:50,900
It's a song,
and it's been distributed?
277
00:12:50,900 --> 00:12:54,001
We were drunk.
It was late.
278
00:12:54,001 --> 00:12:56,167
We had an amusing song
and a fax machine.
279
00:12:56,167 --> 00:12:59,234
There are some things
you just can't fight.
280
00:12:59,234 --> 00:13:00,301
Who did you fax?
281
00:13:00,301 --> 00:13:01,767
Oh, people.
282
00:13:01,767 --> 00:13:03,167
People?
283
00:13:03,167 --> 00:13:04,667
It's a blur.
284
00:13:04,667 --> 00:13:06,834
You've gotta get more relaxed
about this kind of thing.
285
00:13:06,834 --> 00:13:08,001
I am relaxed.
286
00:13:08,001 --> 00:13:09,167
It's fine, it's okay.
287
00:13:09,167 --> 00:13:10,867
I've got a sense of humor.
288
00:13:10,867 --> 00:13:13,134
I just, you know,
don't wanna feel left out
289
00:13:13,134 --> 00:13:15,468
now that I'm the sensible
pregnant one.
290
00:13:15,468 --> 00:13:17,500
You know what?
You should come round.
291
00:13:17,500 --> 00:13:18,967
You should join in the song.
292
00:13:18,967 --> 00:13:20,134
Yeah!
293
00:13:20,134 --> 00:13:22,067
We'd have much more fun
if you were there.
294
00:13:22,067 --> 00:13:24,067
And we wouldn't need
the blond wigs.
295
00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:28,101
It doesn't exist.
296
00:13:28,101 --> 00:13:29,633
I need that sentence.
297
00:13:29,633 --> 00:13:32,267
If it existed,
we would know.
298
00:13:32,267 --> 00:13:35,533
It would be passed down
from father to son.
299
00:13:35,533 --> 00:13:37,267
It would be found
carved in rock
300
00:13:37,267 --> 00:13:39,767
near the oldest
human settlements.
301
00:13:39,767 --> 00:13:41,600
I'm sorry, Patrick, no.
302
00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:43,767
You go to her flat,
you have sex with her,
303
00:13:43,767 --> 00:13:46,134
my friend,
you're serving sleep time.
304
00:13:46,134 --> 00:13:48,834
I need a bathroom
that isn't covered
in tiny bottles.
305
00:13:48,834 --> 00:13:50,900
I need fewer vases.
306
00:13:50,900 --> 00:13:53,067
But you're her boyfriend now.
307
00:13:53,067 --> 00:13:55,101
The rules are different.
308
00:13:55,101 --> 00:13:57,567
What you're suggesting
is going to her home,
309
00:13:57,567 --> 00:13:59,934
having sex with her,
and just leaving.
310
00:13:59,934 --> 00:14:01,500
Exactly!
311
00:14:01,500 --> 00:14:03,800
They dislike when a guy
goes into a restaurant
312
00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:05,301
and he wants to use
the toilet.
313
00:14:05,301 --> 00:14:07,567
Believe me, I've tried
to explain that to her.
314
00:14:13,134 --> 00:14:15,734
Patrick, this may come
as a shock to you,
315
00:14:15,734 --> 00:14:18,301
but the modern woman
expects more.
316
00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:21,134
Shouldn't we be
heading back yet?
317
00:14:21,134 --> 00:14:23,468
Nah, they'll
still be cooking.
318
00:14:25,734 --> 00:14:27,434
Who else is coming tonight?
319
00:14:27,434 --> 00:14:29,101
Uh, Jane's
bringing somebody.
320
00:14:29,101 --> 00:14:30,334
Who?
321
00:14:30,334 --> 00:14:32,301
Somebody she's been out with
a couple of times.
322
00:14:32,301 --> 00:14:35,500
There are whole post codes
defined that way.
323
00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:36,734
It's best
not to know their names.
324
00:14:36,734 --> 00:14:37,767
You only get attached.
325
00:14:37,767 --> 00:14:39,301
Oliver?
326
00:14:39,301 --> 00:14:40,434
Yeah, that's the one.
327
00:14:40,434 --> 00:14:41,767
Science fiction oliver?
328
00:14:41,767 --> 00:14:43,034
Yeah, what's he like?
329
00:14:43,034 --> 00:14:44,600
( loud crash )
330
00:14:45,734 --> 00:14:49,001
I'm okay!
I'm fine.
331
00:14:49,001 --> 00:14:52,468
Just misjudged
the door recoil.
332
00:14:54,001 --> 00:14:55,468
Craziness!
333
00:14:57,468 --> 00:14:59,633
Don't know my own strength.
334
00:15:02,567 --> 00:15:05,034
Here you go.
Cheers, mate,
thanks.
335
00:15:05,034 --> 00:15:06,667
Bloody things.
336
00:15:06,667 --> 00:15:08,934
Bloody cheap
sunglasses.
Yeah, fine.
337
00:15:08,934 --> 00:15:11,101
I'll probably just
throw them away, actually.
338
00:15:11,101 --> 00:15:12,500
Whatever.
339
00:15:12,500 --> 00:15:13,700
Bloody things.
340
00:15:13,700 --> 00:15:15,401
Hey!
341
00:15:15,401 --> 00:15:16,667
Sorry, sorry, mate.
342
00:15:16,667 --> 00:15:17,800
What are you doing?
343
00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:19,201
It was an accident.
Sorry.
344
00:15:19,201 --> 00:15:21,434
It's a real Black spot,
this, actually.
345
00:15:21,434 --> 00:15:22,633
A what?!
346
00:15:22,633 --> 00:15:24,900
An accident Black spot--
the whole door area.
347
00:15:24,900 --> 00:15:26,700
I've just had
a recoil incident myself.
348
00:15:26,700 --> 00:15:29,401
Yeah, i just got
your bloody sunglasses
in my face.
349
00:15:29,401 --> 00:15:30,934
Yeah, sorry,
they're faulty.
350
00:15:30,934 --> 00:15:32,401
Is there a problem here?
351
00:15:32,401 --> 00:15:33,434
No, no, no problem.
352
00:15:33,434 --> 00:15:34,834
Yes! Yes, there is.
353
00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:36,900
No, just trying to move people
on from the Black spot.
354
00:15:36,900 --> 00:15:39,034
Could you move straight on
from the door area, please?
355
00:15:39,034 --> 00:15:41,001
Thank you.
356
00:15:41,001 --> 00:15:42,301
Black spot?
357
00:15:42,301 --> 00:15:44,067
This guy threw
his sunglasses at me.
358
00:15:44,067 --> 00:15:46,067
A lot of people
were using the door area.
359
00:15:46,067 --> 00:15:48,434
Things are gonna get thrown.
360
00:15:49,567 --> 00:15:50,900
Ah, for God's sake.
361
00:15:53,500 --> 00:15:55,301
They were in a sale.
362
00:15:55,301 --> 00:15:56,900
Typical me.
363
00:15:59,967 --> 00:16:01,334
Listen--
no.
364
00:16:01,334 --> 00:16:02,567
Okay.
365
00:16:03,700 --> 00:16:05,001
Hi, guys.
366
00:16:11,867 --> 00:16:13,667
It was a clear victory
for the door,
367
00:16:13,667 --> 00:16:16,101
but for a second there,
i think you had
the chair worried.
368
00:16:16,101 --> 00:16:18,700
Listen, I'm glad
i ran into you guys.
369
00:16:18,700 --> 00:16:21,368
Oliver,
you remember Patrick.
370
00:16:21,368 --> 00:16:23,368
You know I'm coming
to dinner tonight.
371
00:16:23,368 --> 00:16:24,600
Sure, yeah.
372
00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:26,734
Jane's invited me,
and it's looking good.
373
00:16:26,734 --> 00:16:29,134
She's asking me to give her
a lift home afterwards,
374
00:16:29,134 --> 00:16:31,201
but i need some advice.
375
00:16:31,201 --> 00:16:34,500
If it's about Jane,
I'd suggest "run."
376
00:16:34,500 --> 00:16:36,633
It's not about Jane,
it's about me.
377
00:16:36,633 --> 00:16:38,368
Okay.
378
00:16:38,368 --> 00:16:41,067
Do you know how long it's been
since I've had sex?
379
00:16:41,067 --> 00:16:42,401
Two years.
380
00:16:45,034 --> 00:16:46,468
S-seven months.
381
00:16:46,468 --> 00:16:48,201
Oh, okay.
382
00:16:48,201 --> 00:16:51,067
It's been seven months
since i--
383
00:16:51,067 --> 00:16:52,700
what made you say two years?
384
00:16:52,700 --> 00:16:54,234
I don't know,
it just popped into my head.
385
00:16:54,234 --> 00:16:56,134
It's seven months.
Fine.
386
00:16:56,134 --> 00:16:57,867
Seven months is a long time.
387
00:16:57,867 --> 00:17:01,034
And i think i may have
developed an issue.
388
00:17:01,034 --> 00:17:02,034
Yeah?
389
00:17:02,034 --> 00:17:04,368
It seems after seven months
390
00:17:04,368 --> 00:17:06,800
in the woman wilderness,
391
00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:08,468
I've reached a new place.
392
00:17:08,468 --> 00:17:10,401
What place?
393
00:17:10,401 --> 00:17:12,500
I think my body's changing.
394
00:17:12,500 --> 00:17:13,967
Like a famine response.
395
00:17:13,967 --> 00:17:15,967
Changing how?
396
00:17:15,967 --> 00:17:19,067
My nipples have activated.
397
00:17:20,334 --> 00:17:21,401
Right.
398
00:17:21,401 --> 00:17:22,500
Like sleeper agents,
399
00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:24,101
they've received a coded signal,
400
00:17:24,101 --> 00:17:25,167
and they're out there!
401
00:17:25,167 --> 00:17:26,134
Out there?
402
00:17:29,001 --> 00:17:31,201
What do you think?
403
00:17:31,201 --> 00:17:33,633
You're packing peanuts.
404
00:17:34,900 --> 00:17:36,700
They've never done this before!
405
00:17:36,700 --> 00:17:38,101
I can't get them to go down.
406
00:17:38,101 --> 00:17:40,767
It's not even cold,
and look at the projection!
407
00:17:40,767 --> 00:17:43,533
If i took off my shirt,
i could hold up a bank.
408
00:17:43,533 --> 00:17:45,800
Did you consider
wearing a vest?
409
00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:46,934
Didn't work out.
410
00:17:46,934 --> 00:17:49,633
What happened?
I enjoyed it.
411
00:17:49,633 --> 00:17:52,301
Well, did you need
such a tight t-shirt?
412
00:17:52,301 --> 00:17:53,600
Okay, i weakened.
413
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:55,600
It's been seven months!
414
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:57,967
Look, I'm gonna be
having dinner with Jane,
415
00:17:57,967 --> 00:17:59,633
I'm gonna be trying
to sound cool,
416
00:17:59,633 --> 00:18:01,434
I'm gonna be doing
the laid-back thing,
417
00:18:01,434 --> 00:18:03,468
and I'm gonna have
two miniature erections
418
00:18:03,468 --> 00:18:05,434
pointing at her
across the table!
419
00:18:05,434 --> 00:18:07,533
What happens
if they detonate?!
420
00:18:07,533 --> 00:18:10,633
One smile from Jane
and I'll be picking off
wine glasses.
421
00:18:10,633 --> 00:18:12,734
Fire one! Fire two!
Everyone save yourselves!
422
00:18:12,734 --> 00:18:14,867
I lost control of my nipples!
423
00:18:14,867 --> 00:18:16,834
To the man
who came to dinner.
424
00:18:16,834 --> 00:18:18,500
I'm going home,
I'm getting a sweater.
425
00:18:18,500 --> 00:18:20,533
Oliver, hang on.
426
00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:24,067
What's happening here is
you're just panicking
a little, that's all.
427
00:18:24,067 --> 00:18:27,468
You're panicking
and you happen
to be having a...
428
00:18:27,468 --> 00:18:30,134
Lively nipple day.
429
00:18:30,134 --> 00:18:32,001
Your body
doesn't start mutating
430
00:18:32,001 --> 00:18:34,234
'cause you haven't
had sex for two years.
431
00:18:34,234 --> 00:18:36,001
Seven months.
432
00:18:36,001 --> 00:18:38,500
Yeah, all right,
sorry, seven months.
433
00:18:38,500 --> 00:18:40,368
She might not even notice.
434
00:18:40,368 --> 00:18:41,967
Look at me.
435
00:18:43,934 --> 00:18:46,867
Mmm, actually, she might
just hand over her purse.
436
00:18:53,468 --> 00:18:55,301
Tonight,
after the dinner party,
437
00:18:55,301 --> 00:18:58,034
I'm going home.
438
00:18:58,034 --> 00:19:00,167
After the dinner party.
439
00:19:00,167 --> 00:19:03,900
After your first
couple dinner party.
440
00:19:03,900 --> 00:19:06,001
It can't be done.
441
00:19:06,001 --> 00:19:08,401
Steve.
442
00:19:08,401 --> 00:19:10,368
Look at my face.
443
00:19:10,368 --> 00:19:12,900
I'm going home.
444
00:19:30,267 --> 00:19:32,234
( chattering )
445
00:19:44,334 --> 00:19:46,101
not for me, Steve.
446
00:19:46,101 --> 00:19:47,567
I've got the car with me.
447
00:19:55,934 --> 00:19:57,434
So where's oliver got to?
448
00:19:57,434 --> 00:20:00,034
He had a sweater crisis.
449
00:20:02,667 --> 00:20:04,301
How's it going with you guys?
450
00:20:04,301 --> 00:20:05,533
I think he's sweet.
451
00:20:05,533 --> 00:20:07,234
Everyone thinks he's sweet.
452
00:20:07,234 --> 00:20:08,500
He's adorable.
453
00:20:08,500 --> 00:20:10,867
He's a cross between
a puppy and an idiot.
454
00:20:12,567 --> 00:20:15,001
I'm letting him
give me a lift home tonight.
455
00:20:15,001 --> 00:20:16,734
Do you think
that's a good idea?
456
00:20:16,734 --> 00:20:18,401
So you haven't
made up your mind, then?
457
00:20:18,401 --> 00:20:20,234
I need a sign.
458
00:20:32,134 --> 00:20:34,334
Okay, it's a sweater.
459
00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:35,434
It'll do.
460
00:20:46,468 --> 00:20:47,900
( Bell chimes )
461
00:20:53,434 --> 00:20:55,600
( doorbell rings )
462
00:20:59,667 --> 00:21:01,468
shit!
463
00:21:09,533 --> 00:21:10,633
Ooh!
464
00:21:18,434 --> 00:21:19,600
Hello, oliver.
465
00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:20,934
Hello, Jane.
466
00:21:20,934 --> 00:21:23,134
You found the place
all right, then.
467
00:21:23,134 --> 00:21:24,867
Yeah. No problem.
468
00:21:24,867 --> 00:21:25,967
Cool.
469
00:21:28,167 --> 00:21:29,434
Oliver?
470
00:21:29,434 --> 00:21:30,834
Yes, Jane.
471
00:21:32,468 --> 00:21:35,267
Is there something
you want to tell me?
472
00:21:37,734 --> 00:21:39,633
I have miniature erections.
473
00:21:48,834 --> 00:21:51,368
( chattering )
474
00:22:16,500 --> 00:22:18,468
my God, is that the time?
475
00:22:18,468 --> 00:22:20,267
It's been
a lovely evening.
476
00:22:20,267 --> 00:22:23,001
Is there a reason why
you're standing to attention?
477
00:22:26,134 --> 00:22:27,434
It's the cold!
478
00:22:28,967 --> 00:22:32,633
I've got some Brandy,
if anyone wants a last drink.
479
00:22:32,633 --> 00:22:33,734
Not for me, obviously,
480
00:22:33,734 --> 00:22:35,500
seeing as I've
not really been drinking
481
00:22:35,500 --> 00:22:37,700
as i have to drive home.
482
00:22:37,700 --> 00:22:40,301
Oh, darling,
i completely forgot.
483
00:22:40,301 --> 00:22:42,633
It's just I've got
things to do early tomorrow.
484
00:22:42,633 --> 00:22:44,267
I've just gotta be home.
Sorry.
485
00:22:44,267 --> 00:22:45,934
It's not
that i mind, darling.
486
00:22:45,934 --> 00:22:47,368
Oh, good, great.
487
00:22:47,368 --> 00:22:49,767
It's just I've been
refilling your glass.
488
00:22:52,633 --> 00:22:53,900
I didn't notice that.
489
00:22:53,900 --> 00:22:56,067
Didn't you?
Oh, well.
490
00:22:58,867 --> 00:23:01,267
They're really
cracking down here.
491
00:23:01,267 --> 00:23:03,234
Better not risk it,
don't you think?
492
00:23:04,468 --> 00:23:05,834
Susan: Well, never mind.
493
00:23:05,834 --> 00:23:07,201
You get to spend the night
with Sally.
494
00:23:07,201 --> 00:23:08,633
I'm sure there are
compensations.
495
00:23:08,633 --> 00:23:10,800
Well, yeah, obviously.
496
00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:13,234
It's always a difficult
calculation, isn't it--
497
00:23:13,234 --> 00:23:15,267
how many glasses stop you
being able to drive
498
00:23:15,267 --> 00:23:17,134
but allow you
to do everything else.
499
00:23:18,700 --> 00:23:20,301
Five.
500
00:23:23,767 --> 00:23:25,401
Oliver could
give Patrick a lift.
501
00:23:25,401 --> 00:23:26,800
Oliver?
502
00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:28,734
Oliver's got his car,
he's not been drinking.
503
00:23:28,734 --> 00:23:30,667
You could give Patrick a lift,
couldn't you?
504
00:23:30,667 --> 00:23:32,201
I thought i was
giving you a lift home.
505
00:23:32,201 --> 00:23:33,368
I'm on the way.
506
00:23:33,368 --> 00:23:35,533
You can drop me off,
then take Patrick home.
507
00:23:35,533 --> 00:23:37,600
Oh, right, i see.
508
00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:39,600
You can pick up your car
any old time, can't you?
509
00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:42,034
Well, yeah.
No.
510
00:23:42,034 --> 00:23:44,301
I can't let oliver
give Patrick a lift home.
511
00:23:44,301 --> 00:23:46,167
It's miles out of his way.
512
00:23:46,167 --> 00:23:47,900
It's fine.
No, it isn't.
513
00:23:47,900 --> 00:23:49,667
Yes, it is.
No, it isn't.
514
00:23:49,667 --> 00:23:50,667
Yes, it is!
515
00:23:50,667 --> 00:23:52,633
No, it isn't.
516
00:23:52,633 --> 00:23:55,767
Well, actually,
we could give Patrick a lift.
517
00:23:55,767 --> 00:23:57,934
No, you couldn't.
Yeah, we could.
518
00:23:57,934 --> 00:23:58,967
No, we couldn't.
519
00:23:58,967 --> 00:24:00,533
Yes, you could.
No, they couldn't!
520
00:24:00,533 --> 00:24:02,167
Yes, they could!
521
00:24:28,401 --> 00:24:29,900
Are you all right?
522
00:24:29,900 --> 00:24:32,301
Oh, hello.
523
00:24:32,301 --> 00:24:35,301
It's just that
you're supposed to be
showing us all to the door.
524
00:24:35,301 --> 00:24:37,600
How close was i?
525
00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:39,267
Not very.
526
00:24:41,468 --> 00:24:43,567
Don't tell Susan.
527
00:24:46,734 --> 00:24:48,667
I am Susan.
528
00:24:48,667 --> 00:24:51,001
Exactly.
529
00:24:51,001 --> 00:24:53,134
Listen,
Patrick's about to go.
530
00:24:53,134 --> 00:24:54,834
It's time
for the panic button.
531
00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:58,533
What's the panic button?
532
00:24:58,533 --> 00:25:00,967
Music.
Music is great for guilt.
533
00:25:00,967 --> 00:25:02,301
Every time
Steve was trying to leave,
534
00:25:02,301 --> 00:25:04,267
I'd always make sure
the right music was playing.
535
00:25:04,267 --> 00:25:07,301
And I've got
a tiny suggestion.
536
00:25:09,468 --> 00:25:11,067
You're just
giving me a lift.
537
00:25:11,067 --> 00:25:12,401
I get that.
538
00:25:12,401 --> 00:25:15,167
You can't expect to come in,
have a few drinks with me,
539
00:25:15,167 --> 00:25:17,867
and end up in my bed
like some kind of taxi driver.
540
00:25:21,500 --> 00:25:22,967
Is she all right?
541
00:25:22,967 --> 00:25:24,633
Yeah, just a little sad,
542
00:25:24,633 --> 00:25:25,900
just a little lonely.
543
00:25:25,900 --> 00:25:27,834
I just wanna be home,
just one night.
544
00:25:27,834 --> 00:25:29,267
I'm never there!
545
00:25:29,267 --> 00:25:31,633
If that's what's
important to you, then fine.
546
00:25:31,633 --> 00:25:34,500
I think Sally's just dealing
with her feelings with that,
547
00:25:34,500 --> 00:25:37,034
and maybe finding a way
to express them.
548
00:25:37,034 --> 00:25:39,001
( humming song )
549
00:25:42,001 --> 00:25:46,500
* I'm Susan,
the happy, trotting elf *
550
00:25:46,500 --> 00:25:49,201
* i trot and trot
and bounce and bounce *
551
00:25:49,201 --> 00:25:52,967
* and smile a lot,
and that's what counts *
552
00:25:52,967 --> 00:25:58,201
* I'm Susan, the happy,
trotty, smile-a-lotty elf *
553
00:25:58,201 --> 00:26:00,134
( humming )
554
00:26:02,734 --> 00:26:05,567
* I'm polite,
so just for clarity *
555
00:26:05,567 --> 00:26:08,967
* when I'm cross,
i say.... *
556
00:26:08,967 --> 00:26:10,500
apparently!
557
00:26:11,734 --> 00:26:14,334
* I'm Susan, the ha-- *
558
00:26:16,834 --> 00:26:18,034
Sally: I'm all right.
559
00:26:19,234 --> 00:26:20,767
* I'm Susan *
560
00:26:20,767 --> 00:26:25,134
* the happy, trotty,
smile-a-lotty elf *
561
00:26:25,134 --> 00:26:27,267
( humming loudly )
562
00:26:39,067 --> 00:26:43,234
no. Ll by myself.
563
00:26:50,900 --> 00:26:52,267
Oh--
564
00:27:02,767 --> 00:27:04,800
my lord, i thought you'd gone.
565
00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:06,067
My Lady, how could i leave
566
00:27:06,067 --> 00:27:08,867
when i have found you capable
of yet new enchantments?
567
00:27:08,867 --> 00:27:10,700
Indeed?
568
00:27:10,700 --> 00:27:13,034
Could you turn
into an elf again?
569
00:27:14,500 --> 00:27:17,434
You liked that, didn't you?
570
00:27:30,167 --> 00:27:31,700
( sighs )
571
00:27:33,034 --> 00:27:34,967
bugger.
572
00:27:37,900 --> 00:27:40,867
* if you can't
make your mind up *
573
00:27:40,867 --> 00:27:46,834
* we'll never get started *
574
00:27:46,834 --> 00:27:49,633
* and i don't want to wind up *
575
00:27:49,633 --> 00:27:51,834
* being parted
576
00:27:51,834 --> 00:27:55,533
* broken-hearted
577
00:27:55,533 --> 00:27:58,834
* so if you really love me
578
00:27:58,834 --> 00:28:00,567
* say yes
579
00:28:00,567 --> 00:28:03,167
* and please don't tell me *
580
00:28:03,167 --> 00:28:04,167
* perhaps
581
00:28:04,167 --> 00:28:05,567
* perhaps
582
00:28:05,567 --> 00:28:06,600
* perhaps