1
00:00:00,934 --> 00:00:03,434
**
2
00:00:08,501 --> 00:00:11,567
* you won't admit you love me *
3
00:00:11,567 --> 00:00:13,334
* and so *
4
00:00:13,334 --> 00:00:15,934
* how am i ever *
5
00:00:15,934 --> 00:00:17,801
* to know *
6
00:00:17,801 --> 00:00:20,501
* you always tell me *
7
00:00:20,501 --> 00:00:23,667
* perhaps, perhaps, perhaps *
8
00:00:25,033 --> 00:00:27,067
* perhaps *
9
00:00:27,067 --> 00:00:29,200
* perhaps *
10
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:30,934
* perhaps *
11
00:00:38,501 --> 00:00:41,400
lesbian spank inferno.
12
00:00:44,567 --> 00:00:46,300
Oh, God!
13
00:00:46,300 --> 00:00:49,200
How could you possibly enjoy
a film like that?
14
00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:51,968
Because it's got
naked women in it!
15
00:00:51,968 --> 00:00:53,534
Look, i like naked women.
16
00:00:53,534 --> 00:00:55,400
I'm a bloke!
I'm supposed to like them.
17
00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:56,968
We're born like that.
18
00:00:56,968 --> 00:00:59,934
We like naked women
from the moment that
we're pulled out of one.
19
00:00:59,934 --> 00:01:03,200
Halfway down the birth canal,
we're already enjoying the view!
20
00:01:04,868 --> 00:01:06,767
Woman on p.a.:
Adies and gentlemen,
21
00:01:06,767 --> 00:01:10,300
this plane will be crashing
in a little under two minutes.
22
00:01:10,300 --> 00:01:14,267
Lease ensure
that your mobile phones
are now switched off.
23
00:01:17,367 --> 00:01:18,934
Sorry, excuse me.
Sir?
24
00:01:18,934 --> 00:01:21,434
You loop it round the front,
loop it round the back,
25
00:01:21,434 --> 00:01:22,767
and tie it to which side?
26
00:01:22,767 --> 00:01:24,200
It doesn't really matter, sir,
27
00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:26,968
as we're gonna be crashing
into a Mountain range today.
28
00:01:26,968 --> 00:01:28,834
Oh, okay.
29
00:01:28,834 --> 00:01:32,834
Which will shortly be appearing
on the left side of the plane.
30
00:01:37,300 --> 00:01:38,501
Everything all right here?
31
00:01:38,501 --> 00:01:40,434
Could we move
slightly further back?
32
00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:42,000
Susan: It's just
we're not quite sure
33
00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:43,467
which is our nearest
emergency exit.
34
00:01:43,467 --> 00:01:45,434
We've got those cusp seats.
35
00:01:45,434 --> 00:01:47,567
So could we move closer
to one of the exits?
36
00:01:47,567 --> 00:01:51,300
And then we won't get
all indecisive during impact.
37
00:01:51,300 --> 00:01:54,834
Well, we'll be arriving at
the Cliff face any second now,
38
00:01:54,834 --> 00:01:59,334
so really, you're about to
move closer to all of them.
39
00:01:59,334 --> 00:02:00,734
Oh, well,
we'll wait, then.
40
00:02:01,734 --> 00:02:03,934
Guys, everyone, look!
41
00:02:03,934 --> 00:02:05,367
We're gonna be okay!
42
00:02:05,367 --> 00:02:06,467
Whistles!
43
00:02:06,467 --> 00:02:07,467
( gasps )
44
00:02:07,467 --> 00:02:08,467
result!
45
00:02:08,467 --> 00:02:10,000
Cool!
46
00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:12,234
( all blowing whistles )
47
00:02:12,234 --> 00:02:14,667
oh, for God's sake!
48
00:02:14,667 --> 00:02:15,901
What?
49
00:02:15,901 --> 00:02:18,434
Exactly what point
are you trying to make?
50
00:02:18,434 --> 00:02:21,534
How is a birth plan
going to work?
51
00:02:21,534 --> 00:02:25,534
In a way totally dissimilar
to a plane crash.
52
00:02:25,534 --> 00:02:27,934
Well... ( sighs )
53
00:02:27,934 --> 00:02:30,634
do you know the two
most optimistic words
54
00:02:30,634 --> 00:02:32,968
in the history
of human communication?
55
00:02:32,968 --> 00:02:34,400
"Shut up"?
56
00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:36,000
Good guess.
57
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:37,667
Who's guessing?
58
00:02:37,667 --> 00:02:39,434
Some airline official,
59
00:02:39,434 --> 00:02:43,367
some distant afternoon
sitting there on draft 52
60
00:02:43,367 --> 00:02:45,701
of the airline safety briefing.
61
00:02:45,701 --> 00:02:48,868
He's just reached the words
"pull the oxygen mask
towards you
62
00:02:48,868 --> 00:02:51,000
and place it
over your nose and mouth"
63
00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:54,701
when something happens
in his brain.
64
00:02:54,701 --> 00:02:57,033
Maybe the sun comes out
from behind a cloud,
65
00:02:57,033 --> 00:02:59,200
maybe he falls in love
with the tea Lady--
66
00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:00,734
we'll never know.
67
00:03:00,734 --> 00:03:03,400
But somehow--
somehow this man,
68
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,601
in a moment
of deranged optimism,
69
00:03:05,601 --> 00:03:09,033
writes the words
"breathe normally."
70
00:03:09,033 --> 00:03:11,567
And this is relevant how?
71
00:03:11,567 --> 00:03:14,300
This is the airline
safety briefing.
72
00:03:14,300 --> 00:03:16,300
This is breathing normally.
73
00:03:16,300 --> 00:03:18,334
This is the document
i give to the hospital
74
00:03:18,334 --> 00:03:21,300
about how i want to experience
the birth of our child.
75
00:03:21,300 --> 00:03:22,400
Without pain relief?
76
00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:23,701
If i can.
77
00:03:23,701 --> 00:03:26,434
"I shall be attending
antenatal classes
78
00:03:26,434 --> 00:03:28,868
and hope to be able to cope
without an epidural."
79
00:03:28,868 --> 00:03:29,968
That's what i wrote.
80
00:03:29,968 --> 00:03:31,968
Without an epidural.
81
00:03:31,968 --> 00:03:33,801
Yes.
Which is pain relief.
82
00:03:33,801 --> 00:03:35,100
I know what it is.
83
00:03:35,100 --> 00:03:37,300
Pain being something
that you will be in.
84
00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:38,634
Yes.
85
00:03:38,634 --> 00:03:41,033
Pain relief being something
that you will offered.
86
00:03:41,033 --> 00:03:42,267
Yes.
87
00:03:42,267 --> 00:03:44,267
But which apparently,
you won't want.
88
00:03:44,267 --> 00:03:45,601
Yes.
89
00:03:45,601 --> 00:03:47,534
Susan,
are you still in there?
90
00:03:48,534 --> 00:03:50,067
Still here, still me.
91
00:03:51,100 --> 00:03:53,133
I'm not sure anymore.
92
00:03:53,133 --> 00:03:55,300
I just don't wanna be
pumped full of drugs.
93
00:03:56,467 --> 00:03:59,300
Since when?
94
00:03:59,300 --> 00:04:00,968
I just want,
if I'm capable of it,
95
00:04:00,968 --> 00:04:03,133
to experience
a natural delivery.
96
00:04:03,133 --> 00:04:06,367
( sighs ) why is everything
natural nowadays?
97
00:04:06,367 --> 00:04:08,434
Where did it all come from?
98
00:04:08,434 --> 00:04:10,934
Try and understand--
I'm a woman.
99
00:04:10,934 --> 00:04:12,701
Try and understand?
100
00:04:12,701 --> 00:04:15,367
You're a woman
of less than average size,
101
00:04:15,367 --> 00:04:17,767
and the next generation
is massing at your pelvis.
102
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,033
( High-pitched voice )
okay, nearly there.
103
00:04:21,033 --> 00:04:22,534
But i can only see one way out.
104
00:04:22,534 --> 00:04:25,033
Mummy, you might want
to bite down on something.
105
00:04:25,033 --> 00:04:26,734
Lovely! Thank you.
106
00:04:26,734 --> 00:04:29,868
There is pain,
there is pain relief.
107
00:04:29,868 --> 00:04:32,701
This is not an intelligence test
anyone should fail.
108
00:04:32,701 --> 00:04:35,634
The pain of childbirth
is part of being a woman.
109
00:04:35,634 --> 00:04:38,467
Yeah, and it's the part
we can fix.
110
00:04:38,467 --> 00:04:40,100
Fix?!
111
00:04:40,100 --> 00:04:41,100
Fix?
112
00:04:41,100 --> 00:04:42,300
That's what he said.
113
00:04:42,300 --> 00:04:44,000
Like you're
some sort of car?
Yeah.
114
00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:45,567
With an illness.
Yeah.
115
00:04:45,567 --> 00:04:48,067
Like I'm a-- ill car.
116
00:04:48,067 --> 00:04:50,234
( sighs ) at times,
i wonder what men are for.
117
00:04:50,234 --> 00:04:52,000
And then i get a little bout
of morning sickness,
118
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,968
and it all comes back to me.
119
00:04:53,968 --> 00:04:55,767
You haven't
mentioned your guy.
120
00:04:55,767 --> 00:04:57,501
Is he coming
to the antenatal classes?
121
00:04:57,501 --> 00:04:58,801
Oh, he's not around anymore.
122
00:04:58,801 --> 00:05:00,033
Oh, sorry.
123
00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:02,601
He'd never be good
at that sort of thing, anyhow.
124
00:05:02,601 --> 00:05:04,934
Dreadful man.
Dreadful?
125
00:05:04,934 --> 00:05:06,834
No manners,
rude to the innocent,
126
00:05:06,834 --> 00:05:08,434
smokes like a bus queue.
127
00:05:08,434 --> 00:05:10,534
Bus queue?
Of dinner ladies.
128
00:05:10,534 --> 00:05:12,267
Oh, okay.
129
00:05:12,267 --> 00:05:15,467
Honestly, a cross between
a chimney and a bastard.
130
00:05:15,467 --> 00:05:19,367
So have you got a birth partner
or someone standing in for, um,
131
00:05:19,367 --> 00:05:21,334
bus queue dinner Lady
smoking man?
132
00:05:21,334 --> 00:05:22,868
Well, I'm working on it.
133
00:05:22,868 --> 00:05:24,267
Not oliver, obviously.
134
00:05:24,267 --> 00:05:25,901
Oliver my ex?
135
00:05:25,901 --> 00:05:27,334
We've run into him
a couple of times
136
00:05:27,334 --> 00:05:28,934
and i wasn't quite sure
if you were friends.
137
00:05:28,934 --> 00:05:30,167
He seems sweet.
138
00:05:30,167 --> 00:05:32,200
Well, he is sweet,
but, you know.
139
00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:33,434
What's he a cross between?
140
00:05:33,434 --> 00:05:35,467
Uh, brother and sister.
141
00:05:37,033 --> 00:05:39,434
So, uh, so who's
your birth partner?
142
00:05:39,434 --> 00:05:40,667
Uh, well, Steve.
143
00:05:40,667 --> 00:05:42,868
No, seriously.
I'm serious.
144
00:05:42,868 --> 00:05:45,834
But you need someone
you can trust in that room.
145
00:05:45,834 --> 00:05:48,000
Talk to your best friend,
just for backup.
146
00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:49,701
Steve is my best friend.
147
00:05:49,701 --> 00:05:51,000
No, seriously.
148
00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:52,701
Totally serious.
149
00:05:52,701 --> 00:05:55,634
Okay, Steve's
your best friend...
150
00:05:55,634 --> 00:05:57,901
But talk to your
real best friend,
151
00:05:57,901 --> 00:05:59,834
just in case you waver.
152
00:05:59,834 --> 00:06:03,434
Steve is my real best friend,
and I'm not going to waver.
153
00:06:03,434 --> 00:06:05,601
So i would just be
backup, then?
154
00:06:05,601 --> 00:06:07,801
Exactly.
155
00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:10,200
A birth partner.
156
00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:11,501
A lot of women do this.
157
00:06:11,501 --> 00:06:12,901
They choose
their best friend and--
158
00:06:12,901 --> 00:06:14,667
oh, Susan.
159
00:06:14,667 --> 00:06:17,367
Well, Steve's
my best friend, obviously.
160
00:06:17,367 --> 00:06:18,634
Well, obviously.
161
00:06:18,634 --> 00:06:20,501
Of course he is.
162
00:06:20,501 --> 00:06:22,367
But in the event
that he, you know...
163
00:06:22,367 --> 00:06:23,467
Leaves you.
164
00:06:26,033 --> 00:06:27,467
Can't cope.
165
00:06:27,467 --> 00:06:30,133
Can't cope and leaves you.
166
00:06:30,133 --> 00:06:32,000
He's not gonna leave me.
167
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:34,000
Who said he was?
You did. Twice.
168
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:36,767
Well, sorry.
I only meant to think it.
169
00:06:36,767 --> 00:06:38,534
Okay, shall we try again?
170
00:06:38,534 --> 00:06:41,133
Um, in the event
that Steve can't cope--
171
00:06:41,133 --> 00:06:42,934
Steve can't cope.
172
00:06:42,934 --> 00:06:44,868
Lose the inverteds.
173
00:06:44,868 --> 00:06:47,133
Sorry.
Can't cope.
Better.
174
00:06:47,133 --> 00:06:48,334
So to speak.
175
00:06:48,334 --> 00:06:49,334
No, no, no, no.
176
00:06:49,334 --> 00:06:50,501
There's no "so to speak."
177
00:06:50,501 --> 00:06:51,868
Sorry.
178
00:06:51,868 --> 00:06:54,000
I'm asking you to be
my backup birth partner.
179
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:55,701
That's all there is
to understand here.
180
00:06:55,701 --> 00:06:57,501
Birth partner.
Yeah.
181
00:06:57,501 --> 00:06:59,033
I like the sound of that.
182
00:06:59,033 --> 00:07:00,601
Good, great.
183
00:07:00,601 --> 00:07:02,934
Birth partner.
184
00:07:02,934 --> 00:07:04,868
Susan, I'm so flattered.
185
00:07:04,868 --> 00:07:05,868
Oh, fantastic.
186
00:07:05,868 --> 00:07:07,234
Just a little question--
tiny one.
187
00:07:07,234 --> 00:07:08,567
Yeah, sure.
188
00:07:08,567 --> 00:07:13,234
Does being a birth partner
involve any...thing?
189
00:07:13,234 --> 00:07:16,701
Well, uh, maybe coming
to an antenatal class or two.
190
00:07:16,701 --> 00:07:18,067
Fine! Yes!
191
00:07:18,067 --> 00:07:19,434
Actually,
there's one next week.
192
00:07:19,434 --> 00:07:20,801
Could you pop along to that?
193
00:07:20,801 --> 00:07:22,167
Of course i could.
194
00:07:22,167 --> 00:07:24,634
Steve and i don't want it
to turn into a circus,
195
00:07:24,634 --> 00:07:27,133
three of us
turning up everywhere,
but a couple of classes--
196
00:07:27,133 --> 00:07:28,734
no problem.
197
00:07:28,734 --> 00:07:31,000
And, of course,
you'll be attending
the actual birth.
198
00:07:34,234 --> 00:07:35,601
The actual birth?
199
00:07:35,601 --> 00:07:37,133
Yeah.
200
00:07:37,133 --> 00:07:40,901
Okay, at the actual birth,
201
00:07:40,901 --> 00:07:45,167
would i have to
do any...thing?
202
00:07:45,167 --> 00:07:48,634
Well, uh, principally,
man the exit.
203
00:07:48,634 --> 00:07:50,434
What, in case
Steve leaves you?
204
00:07:52,934 --> 00:07:55,567
No, i mean the exit...
205
00:07:55,567 --> 00:07:57,300
So to speak.
206
00:07:58,434 --> 00:08:00,267
Oh...that.
207
00:08:00,267 --> 00:08:01,734
Yeah.
208
00:08:01,734 --> 00:08:03,234
The--
quite.
209
00:08:03,234 --> 00:08:04,567
Gore tunnel.
210
00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:05,968
What?!
211
00:08:05,968 --> 00:08:08,367
Sorry!
I'm sorry, i...
212
00:08:08,367 --> 00:08:11,367
Opened my mouth
during a mental image.
213
00:08:11,367 --> 00:08:16,834
What you're saying is
you want me downriver.
214
00:08:16,834 --> 00:08:18,501
Sally, there's something
i haven't told you,
215
00:08:18,501 --> 00:08:19,934
something important.
216
00:08:19,934 --> 00:08:22,801
Um, I've been
for all my scans--
217
00:08:22,801 --> 00:08:25,501
quite a few scans,
actually--and uh...
218
00:08:25,501 --> 00:08:29,434
Sally...
I'm packing a big one.
219
00:08:29,434 --> 00:08:31,300
A big one?
220
00:08:31,300 --> 00:08:33,834
We're talking enormous,
far bigger than normal.
221
00:08:33,834 --> 00:08:35,367
I had no idea.
222
00:08:35,367 --> 00:08:36,934
I've got a whopper!
223
00:08:36,934 --> 00:08:38,200
( groans )
224
00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:39,567
you poor, poor thing.
225
00:08:39,567 --> 00:08:41,000
Tell me about it.
226
00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:43,968
But at least the baby
should have no trouble
getting out of it.
227
00:08:45,267 --> 00:08:49,100
It's the baby
I'm talking about!
228
00:08:49,100 --> 00:08:51,834
Oh...
229
00:08:51,834 --> 00:08:53,067
The baby!
230
00:08:53,067 --> 00:08:55,968
The baby is heading
to be 11 pounds.
231
00:08:55,968 --> 00:08:58,300
Oh, my God!
232
00:08:58,300 --> 00:09:02,968
The exit itself
is quite normally sized,
thank you very much.
233
00:09:02,968 --> 00:09:04,667
Well, for now!
234
00:09:07,534 --> 00:09:09,868
I'm sorry.
235
00:09:09,868 --> 00:09:12,300
Actually,
on that subject, um,
236
00:09:12,300 --> 00:09:15,701
sometimes if there
are exit issues,
237
00:09:15,701 --> 00:09:19,701
they have to make, um,
well, an incision.
238
00:09:19,701 --> 00:09:22,000
A what?
239
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:23,434
An incision.
240
00:09:23,434 --> 00:09:25,133
Where?
241
00:09:26,634 --> 00:09:28,067
Downriver.
242
00:09:29,133 --> 00:09:31,133
( string quartet plays )
243
00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:01,567
Susan: Sally?
244
00:10:02,968 --> 00:10:05,234
Oh, sorry. Sorry.
245
00:10:05,234 --> 00:10:07,133
Did you pass out?
246
00:10:07,133 --> 00:10:09,601
I went to my safe place.
247
00:10:11,667 --> 00:10:13,200
It's a technique.
248
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:15,200
You were humming.
249
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:18,167
Yes. There's a quartet.
250
00:10:18,167 --> 00:10:19,634
Sorry, you were saying?
251
00:10:19,634 --> 00:10:21,000
Are you sure
you're all right?
252
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:22,601
Fine, fine.
253
00:10:22,601 --> 00:10:24,033
Okay...
254
00:10:24,033 --> 00:10:27,701
Well, i just want someone
to monitor the damage levels.
255
00:10:27,701 --> 00:10:29,167
Steve couldn't do that?
256
00:10:29,167 --> 00:10:30,434
There are
some things downriver
257
00:10:30,434 --> 00:10:32,133
that should remain
a mystery to Steve.
258
00:10:32,133 --> 00:10:33,467
Very wise.
259
00:10:33,467 --> 00:10:35,734
Otherwise, he might develop
issues with, you know.
260
00:10:35,734 --> 00:10:37,200
Reentry.
261
00:10:38,801 --> 00:10:40,434
Exactly.
262
00:10:40,434 --> 00:10:42,901
But i don't want some
scalpel-happy male doctor
263
00:10:42,901 --> 00:10:44,734
with no vested interest
in the equipment
264
00:10:44,734 --> 00:10:46,133
down there remodeling my--
265
00:10:46,133 --> 00:10:47,934
yes, thank you,
got the point.
266
00:10:47,934 --> 00:10:50,601
Just wanna gain a baby
without losing traction.
267
00:10:50,601 --> 00:10:52,200
Of course.
268
00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:54,033
You know how clueless
men are down there
269
00:10:54,033 --> 00:10:55,167
at the best of times.
270
00:10:55,167 --> 00:10:56,234
God, yes!
271
00:10:57,234 --> 00:10:59,434
Imagine one with a scalpel.
272
00:10:59,434 --> 00:11:01,434
( playing slowly )
273
00:11:14,267 --> 00:11:16,400
( discordant music )
274
00:11:20,968 --> 00:11:22,667
mummy, I'll be good!
275
00:11:25,033 --> 00:11:26,501
You all right?
276
00:11:26,501 --> 00:11:27,767
Fine, terrific.
277
00:11:27,767 --> 00:11:29,534
Do i have a nosebleed?
No.
278
00:11:29,534 --> 00:11:31,300
There you go.
279
00:11:32,501 --> 00:11:35,000
Are you sure
you're up to this?
280
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:36,367
Are you surei am?
281
00:11:36,367 --> 00:11:37,968
Do you know what?
282
00:11:37,968 --> 00:11:39,434
I am sure.
283
00:11:39,434 --> 00:11:42,067
Well, then,
I'm sure, too.
284
00:11:42,067 --> 00:11:43,067
Absolutely?
285
00:11:43,067 --> 00:11:44,400
Absolutely.
286
00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:45,701
Great.
287
00:11:45,701 --> 00:11:48,534
So i would just be
backup, then?
288
00:11:48,534 --> 00:11:50,667
Absolutely.
289
00:11:50,667 --> 00:11:54,801
Susan, Steve, and i
don't want this to turn
into some kind of circus.
290
00:11:54,801 --> 00:11:56,801
What would i have to do?
291
00:11:56,801 --> 00:12:01,133
Well, in the event
that i suddenly...
292
00:12:01,133 --> 00:12:04,667
Can't cope,
you would be backup.
293
00:12:04,667 --> 00:12:06,000
Why wouldn't you
be able to cope?
294
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:07,567
Oh, no reason.
295
00:12:08,834 --> 00:12:11,234
Don't cut the muffin!
296
00:12:11,234 --> 00:12:13,000
What?!
297
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:14,367
Sorry.
298
00:12:16,267 --> 00:12:17,701
What's wrong?
299
00:12:17,701 --> 00:12:21,834
I don't like...
Muffin crumbs.
300
00:12:21,834 --> 00:12:23,467
Muffin crumbs?
301
00:12:23,467 --> 00:12:24,801
It's a new problem.
302
00:12:24,801 --> 00:12:26,267
It came on very suddenly.
303
00:12:26,267 --> 00:12:29,200
Well, at least there won't be
any muffin crumbs at the birth.
304
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:30,367
( whimpers )
305
00:12:30,367 --> 00:12:31,501
Sally?
306
00:12:31,501 --> 00:12:33,200
Look...
307
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:35,534
It is possible,
just possible,
308
00:12:35,534 --> 00:12:37,234
that witnessing
Susan giving birth
309
00:12:37,234 --> 00:12:39,200
could cause me
to have issues.
310
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:41,033
I am very prone to issues.
311
00:12:41,033 --> 00:12:43,534
I come out in issues
at the drop of a hat.
312
00:12:44,534 --> 00:12:46,234
And have you told Susan
about this?
313
00:12:46,234 --> 00:12:47,601
In a manner of speaking.
314
00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:49,067
What manner of speaking?
315
00:12:49,067 --> 00:12:50,200
Fax.
316
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:51,467
Fax?!
317
00:12:51,467 --> 00:12:52,801
Well, i nearly faxed her.
318
00:12:52,801 --> 00:12:54,067
I've been thinking about it.
319
00:12:54,067 --> 00:12:55,667
You can't say
I'm not trying.
320
00:12:55,667 --> 00:12:57,868
Look, there's
an antenatal class
next Tuesday.
321
00:12:57,868 --> 00:12:59,033
In or out?
322
00:12:59,033 --> 00:13:00,934
How do you think
Susan would feel
323
00:13:00,934 --> 00:13:02,934
about me
as her birth partner?
324
00:13:02,934 --> 00:13:05,267
She'll be half-naked
and screaming in agony,
325
00:13:05,267 --> 00:13:06,601
she'll be no trouble.
326
00:13:07,901 --> 00:13:09,234
I don't know
anything about this.
327
00:13:09,234 --> 00:13:10,801
What do you do at a birth?
328
00:13:10,801 --> 00:13:12,234
Where would i sit?
329
00:13:12,234 --> 00:13:14,267
I'll let Susan
fill you in on that.
330
00:13:14,267 --> 00:13:18,767
I just don't think
Susan's gonna be offering me
a ringside seat.
331
00:13:18,767 --> 00:13:21,667
Well, oddly enough...
332
00:13:21,667 --> 00:13:25,367
Anyway, I'm supposed to be
out with oliver on Tuesday.
333
00:13:25,367 --> 00:13:27,467
Still, i suppose--
334
00:13:27,467 --> 00:13:29,133
oliver?
335
00:13:29,133 --> 00:13:34,067
Oliver is the sweetest,
kindest, nicest man
I've ever met.
336
00:13:34,067 --> 00:13:36,067
How do you get rid
of someone like that?
337
00:13:36,067 --> 00:13:38,133
Only one thing
you can do with nice--
338
00:13:38,133 --> 00:13:39,868
outkeen him.
339
00:13:39,868 --> 00:13:42,234
Mmm, outkeen.
340
00:13:42,234 --> 00:13:45,234
Outkeening can shift
the nicest man.
341
00:13:45,234 --> 00:13:46,601
You don't know
what oliver's like.
342
00:13:46,601 --> 00:13:48,400
I don't think there's
a single thing anyone could say
343
00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:50,200
that could outkeen him.
344
00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:51,667
An antenatal class?
345
00:13:52,701 --> 00:13:54,334
Well, we've talked
on the phone,
346
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:55,934
you've met all my friends.
347
00:13:55,934 --> 00:13:59,467
I think it is time
to take things
to another level.
348
00:14:01,934 --> 00:14:04,367
Haven't we missed some levels?
349
00:14:04,367 --> 00:14:07,734
Well, i just thought
Susan and Steve will be there,
350
00:14:07,734 --> 00:14:10,801
Sally, I'm popping along--
always room for one more.
351
00:14:10,801 --> 00:14:12,534
You're sure about that?
352
00:14:12,534 --> 00:14:14,934
Nobody wants it
to turn into a circus.
353
00:14:16,167 --> 00:14:17,868
Isn't it getting fairly close?
354
00:14:17,868 --> 00:14:19,501
Look, if you're
feeling too pressured,
355
00:14:19,501 --> 00:14:21,701
if this is all
just too much, then i--
356
00:14:21,701 --> 00:14:24,033
but--but i just...
357
00:14:24,033 --> 00:14:26,100
I understand completely.
358
00:14:26,100 --> 00:14:29,067
I just don't wanna show up
and be the only
non-father bloke there.
359
00:14:29,067 --> 00:14:30,901
I understand completely.
360
00:14:30,901 --> 00:14:34,133
I mean, nobody wants it
to turn into a circus.
361
00:14:34,133 --> 00:14:36,901
Is there really
much danger of that
with an antenatal class?
362
00:14:38,133 --> 00:14:40,100
Not--not an actual circus.
363
00:14:41,467 --> 00:14:44,367
Good, 'cause i was
having trouble picturing that.
364
00:14:44,367 --> 00:14:46,601
Sally's gonna
be there, anyway--
365
00:14:46,601 --> 00:14:48,667
oh, no, i don't think
Sally will be going.
366
00:14:48,667 --> 00:14:50,200
Afraid of giraffes.
367
00:14:51,601 --> 00:14:52,767
Giraffes?
368
00:14:52,767 --> 00:14:56,400
Sorry, i moved
from circus to zoo there.
369
00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:57,801
Uh, the wrong direction.
370
00:14:57,801 --> 00:14:59,534
So what do you think?
371
00:14:59,534 --> 00:15:02,801
Well, as it happens,
i can fit an antenatal class
into my lunch hour,
372
00:15:02,801 --> 00:15:04,601
so it'd be mad not to.
373
00:15:04,601 --> 00:15:06,000
Cheers, mate.
374
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:07,267
Thanks.
375
00:15:08,534 --> 00:15:10,534
( string quartet
playing softly )
376
00:15:24,934 --> 00:15:27,267
Susan: Sally?
377
00:15:27,267 --> 00:15:29,801
I think you may
have misunderstood
what marina just said.
378
00:15:29,801 --> 00:15:33,467
The process of separating
mother and child--birth itself--
379
00:15:33,467 --> 00:15:36,601
is sometimes referred to
as "splitting."
380
00:15:37,834 --> 00:15:39,934
Oh, i see.
381
00:15:39,934 --> 00:15:43,367
Good afternoon, everyone.
My name's Jill.
382
00:15:43,367 --> 00:15:45,834
I'm afraid Jennifer
dislocated her shoulder
at a forceps delivery,
383
00:15:45,834 --> 00:15:47,868
and she's asked me
to take today's class.
384
00:15:49,567 --> 00:15:51,667
I can't claim to match
her level of experience,
385
00:15:51,667 --> 00:15:54,167
but i hope I'll be able
to be of some help.
386
00:15:54,167 --> 00:15:56,434
Now, i understand
that Jennifer is happy
387
00:15:56,434 --> 00:15:58,968
for friends and relatives
of the couple to come along
388
00:15:58,968 --> 00:16:02,467
to this preliminary session,
and obviously, I'm happy, too,
389
00:16:02,467 --> 00:16:05,067
as long as it doesn't develop
into some kind of
390
00:16:05,067 --> 00:16:07,634
lesbian spank inferno.
391
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:14,334
I mean...
I--i mean a circus.
392
00:16:14,334 --> 00:16:16,801
I'm sorry,
i--i once had an argument
393
00:16:16,801 --> 00:16:18,667
with this gentleman at dinner
394
00:16:18,667 --> 00:16:21,534
over the merits of a film
in his video collection.
395
00:16:23,133 --> 00:16:25,701
It was a film buff's evening.
396
00:16:25,701 --> 00:16:28,033
Called lesbian spank inferno.
397
00:16:28,033 --> 00:16:30,901
It was very much
an art house movie
398
00:16:30,901 --> 00:16:33,667
about five lesbian
filmmakers who decide
399
00:16:33,667 --> 00:16:36,501
to reverse-incentivize
the creative process.
400
00:16:36,501 --> 00:16:38,534
Please, can we never, ever
talk about that again?
401
00:16:38,534 --> 00:16:39,801
Okay.
402
00:16:39,801 --> 00:16:41,801
Right. We'll start
in about five minutes.
403
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:46,534
Well, hello, again.
404
00:16:46,534 --> 00:16:47,801
Hi.
Good to see you.
405
00:16:47,801 --> 00:16:48,868
Yeah, great.
406
00:16:50,434 --> 00:16:52,234
I thought you were
a therapist.
407
00:16:52,234 --> 00:16:54,367
Well, i cover
a number of disciplines.
408
00:16:54,367 --> 00:16:56,367
This is my specialism
these days--
409
00:16:56,367 --> 00:16:59,467
moved on from therapy
after your friend Jane.
410
00:16:59,467 --> 00:17:01,601
Jane?
That dinner.
411
00:17:01,601 --> 00:17:04,634
Insisted she was a vegetarian
even though she ate meat?
412
00:17:04,634 --> 00:17:07,000
I knew then
to get out of therapy
413
00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:09,667
and never find myself
in the same room
as that woman
414
00:17:09,667 --> 00:17:11,634
and her pathetic
delusions again.
415
00:17:11,634 --> 00:17:13,501
Hello, everyone!
416
00:17:13,501 --> 00:17:17,334
Are we ready
to get antenatal?
417
00:17:17,334 --> 00:17:18,634
Jane!
418
00:17:18,634 --> 00:17:19,667
Oliver.
419
00:17:19,667 --> 00:17:20,767
Hi.
420
00:17:20,767 --> 00:17:23,100
Dear God in heaven,
it really is you.
421
00:17:23,100 --> 00:17:25,100
Jill!
422
00:17:25,100 --> 00:17:26,601
Well, you seem healthy.
423
00:17:26,601 --> 00:17:27,968
So much for voodoo.
424
00:17:27,968 --> 00:17:29,834
Jill...
425
00:17:29,834 --> 00:17:32,067
How lovely.
426
00:17:32,067 --> 00:17:34,167
Have you got over
all your issues now?
427
00:17:34,167 --> 00:17:36,367
was the therapist.
428
00:17:36,367 --> 00:17:39,000
No, we took it in turns.
429
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:41,234
No, we didn't.
430
00:17:41,234 --> 00:17:42,467
You were always
very resistant.
431
00:17:42,467 --> 00:17:44,033
I've got it in my notes.
432
00:17:44,033 --> 00:17:46,000
So, you're pregnant, then?
433
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:47,167
Yes.
434
00:17:47,167 --> 00:17:49,434
Jane christie is actually
going to have a baby.
435
00:17:49,434 --> 00:17:51,901
Oh, no,
this is a cushion.
436
00:17:51,901 --> 00:17:53,200
But i always say,
437
00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:55,467
a woman doesn't have to
have a baby inside her
438
00:17:55,467 --> 00:17:56,767
to be pregnant.
439
00:17:56,767 --> 00:17:59,100
All women are pregnant,
aren't they, Jill?
440
00:18:02,267 --> 00:18:05,367
Not if they don't have
babies inside them.
441
00:18:05,367 --> 00:18:07,167
You're not pregnant, Jane.
442
00:18:07,167 --> 00:18:09,367
Well, I'm not
completely pregnant, no.
443
00:18:09,367 --> 00:18:12,634
Well, try and keep in mind
this room is full
of complete mothers.
444
00:18:12,634 --> 00:18:13,868
I don't think that's true.
445
00:18:13,868 --> 00:18:16,000
Everyone seems very nice.
446
00:18:18,434 --> 00:18:20,901
Excuse me, has it started?
I'm running a little late.
447
00:18:20,901 --> 00:18:24,100
Tamsin?
Oliver!
448
00:18:24,100 --> 00:18:26,133
What the hell
are you doing here?
449
00:18:26,133 --> 00:18:28,767
Well, I'm a
heavily pregnant woman,
450
00:18:28,767 --> 00:18:30,400
and you can't get
a girlfriend,
451
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,767
so do you think maybe
you stole my question?
452
00:18:34,834 --> 00:18:36,300
So where is he, then?
453
00:18:36,300 --> 00:18:37,400
Where is who?
454
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:38,901
Mr. New guy.
455
00:18:38,901 --> 00:18:40,334
My replacement.
456
00:18:40,334 --> 00:18:41,467
Wheel him on, dear.
457
00:18:41,467 --> 00:18:43,367
We could all do with a laugh.
458
00:18:43,367 --> 00:18:44,634
Come on, everybody.
459
00:18:44,634 --> 00:18:46,801
Tamsin's got a new boyfriend.
460
00:18:46,801 --> 00:18:48,567
Laughing gear engaged--
461
00:18:48,567 --> 00:18:50,367
let's give it a big one.
462
00:18:50,367 --> 00:18:52,467
Where is he, then?
463
00:18:52,467 --> 00:18:54,100
What's the problem?
Shy, is he?
464
00:18:54,100 --> 00:18:56,067
Afraid? Ashamed?
465
00:18:56,067 --> 00:18:57,934
Really, really ugly?
466
00:18:57,934 --> 00:18:59,033
Dead!
467
00:18:59,033 --> 00:19:01,434
Dead, in fact.
He's dead.
468
00:19:01,434 --> 00:19:03,701
That's where tamsin's
boyfriend is--dead.
469
00:19:03,701 --> 00:19:05,000
That's the whole story.
470
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:07,467
Move along, now.
Nothing to see here.
471
00:19:07,467 --> 00:19:09,901
She probably wants to deal
with it on her own.
472
00:19:09,901 --> 00:19:11,334
Oh, for God's sake!
473
00:19:11,334 --> 00:19:13,167
Okay, everyone, we're not
doing the laughing now.
474
00:19:13,167 --> 00:19:14,634
That's a no on the laughing.
475
00:19:14,634 --> 00:19:17,334
Laughing's cancelled because
of the whole death aspect.
476
00:19:17,334 --> 00:19:19,167
Oliver,
he's not really dead.
477
00:19:19,167 --> 00:19:21,567
I just wanted you to make
a prat of yourself.
478
00:19:21,567 --> 00:19:22,734
Okay, he's not dead now,
479
00:19:22,734 --> 00:19:24,567
and I'm just making
a prat of myself.
480
00:19:24,567 --> 00:19:26,501
Maybe you wanna try
and not do that.
481
00:19:26,501 --> 00:19:28,234
Sorry, can't stop,
on a roll.
482
00:19:28,234 --> 00:19:31,434
Right, if we could just
bring all this to order...
483
00:19:31,434 --> 00:19:33,133
I've just remembered.
484
00:19:33,133 --> 00:19:34,133
Remembered what?
485
00:19:34,133 --> 00:19:35,567
That dinner four years ago.
486
00:19:35,567 --> 00:19:37,968
I've just remembered
who you left with.
487
00:19:37,968 --> 00:19:39,601
I left with someone?
488
00:19:39,601 --> 00:19:41,334
I really don't recall.
489
00:19:41,334 --> 00:19:42,334
Who?
490
00:19:42,334 --> 00:19:45,334
Right! Hello, there.
491
00:19:46,634 --> 00:19:48,467
I can't believe
I've had an antenatal class
492
00:19:48,467 --> 00:19:49,868
around the corner
all this time
493
00:19:49,868 --> 00:19:52,801
and never bothered
to check it out!
494
00:19:52,801 --> 00:19:54,534
Patrick.
495
00:19:54,534 --> 00:19:55,901
Patrick?
Patrick?
496
00:19:55,901 --> 00:19:57,467
Patrick?
497
00:19:57,467 --> 00:19:59,167
Patrick?
498
00:19:59,167 --> 00:20:01,267
Patrick?
499
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,701
Blimey. So this is where
you all end up.
500
00:20:07,767 --> 00:20:11,901
Patrick, have you slept
with all these women?
501
00:20:11,901 --> 00:20:14,100
Well, I've only
just got here.
I haven't checked.
502
00:20:15,567 --> 00:20:17,601
But you slept with her.
503
00:20:17,601 --> 00:20:19,734
Yeah, but ages before
i started going out with you.
504
00:20:19,734 --> 00:20:21,167
About five years ago.
505
00:20:21,167 --> 00:20:23,334
So when you were
going out with me.
506
00:20:23,334 --> 00:20:25,467
When Patrick was
going out with me.
507
00:20:25,467 --> 00:20:27,634
When Patrick was
going out with me.
508
00:20:27,634 --> 00:20:30,634
Hang on.
That's when you were
going out with me.
509
00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:36,501
Well, it's all quite pacey,
isn't it?
510
00:20:38,033 --> 00:20:41,000
Patrick, apart from causing
your usual amount
511
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:42,667
of lasting emotional damage,
512
00:20:42,667 --> 00:20:45,734
is there any particular
reason you've come
to this antenatal class?
513
00:20:45,734 --> 00:20:47,100
Well, it's local.
514
00:20:48,701 --> 00:20:50,901
And does it bother you
at all that you're a man
515
00:20:50,901 --> 00:20:53,234
and also not pregnant?
516
00:20:53,234 --> 00:20:54,834
Well, yeah,
i had to balance that
517
00:20:54,834 --> 00:20:57,634
against the convenience
of the location.
518
00:20:57,634 --> 00:20:59,968
This is gonna be
so embarrassing.
519
00:20:59,968 --> 00:21:01,767
Why?
What, do you mean me?
520
00:21:01,767 --> 00:21:03,234
Why would i be embarrassing?
521
00:21:03,234 --> 00:21:05,100
Not really your area, mate.
522
00:21:05,100 --> 00:21:06,734
I think i understand the area.
523
00:21:06,734 --> 00:21:08,667
I've got a good grasp
of the area,
524
00:21:08,667 --> 00:21:10,467
thank you very much.
525
00:21:10,467 --> 00:21:12,767
Okay, that's enough
excitement for now.
526
00:21:12,767 --> 00:21:14,801
I really think
we've got to get started.
527
00:21:14,801 --> 00:21:16,634
Apart from anything else,
i think it's time
528
00:21:16,634 --> 00:21:19,434
that Patrick maitland learned
where babies come from.
529
00:21:19,434 --> 00:21:21,200
The front!
530
00:21:22,767 --> 00:21:25,701
Oh, God!
531
00:21:27,300 --> 00:21:28,934
Right. Any questions?
532
00:21:28,934 --> 00:21:30,467
So if the baby's head
is stuck,
533
00:21:30,467 --> 00:21:32,734
they attach the sucker
to the top of the head...
534
00:21:32,734 --> 00:21:34,234
And pull, yes.
535
00:21:34,234 --> 00:21:36,067
It's only for when they can't
manage to insert the forceps,
536
00:21:36,067 --> 00:21:37,667
which is relatively rare.
( Sally humming )
537
00:21:37,667 --> 00:21:39,467
I'm sorry, I'm getting
madam butterfly from somewhere.
538
00:21:39,467 --> 00:21:41,567
( stops humming )
539
00:21:41,567 --> 00:21:43,200
sorry, it's me.
540
00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:45,000
I have an accidental hum.
541
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:46,200
Accidental?
542
00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:48,634
Yeah. There's a quartet.
543
00:21:49,934 --> 00:21:51,634
Okay...
544
00:21:51,634 --> 00:21:52,934
We're now going to
split into groups
545
00:21:52,934 --> 00:21:54,734
and discuss what we think
about pain relief
546
00:21:54,734 --> 00:21:57,167
and what we think
is the best approach.
547
00:21:57,167 --> 00:21:59,834
Girls and boys
in different groups, please.
548
00:21:59,834 --> 00:22:01,033
We don't want couples together.
549
00:22:01,033 --> 00:22:03,100
This is a chance
to meet new people.
550
00:22:12,234 --> 00:22:16,801
Right. Okay,
the question of pain relief.
551
00:22:16,801 --> 00:22:18,801
Yes.
Absolutely.
552
00:22:18,801 --> 00:22:20,467
Sorted.
553
00:22:22,067 --> 00:22:24,100
So how are we supposed to
spin this out?
554
00:22:26,367 --> 00:22:27,767
( whispering )
555
00:22:27,767 --> 00:22:32,067
okay, i suppose we could discuss
the different methods.
556
00:22:32,067 --> 00:22:34,334
Drugs.
Drugs.
557
00:22:34,334 --> 00:22:36,567
Sorted.
558
00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:42,067
Okay, we should at least
go through them.
559
00:22:42,067 --> 00:22:45,300
Right, uh, the tens machine.
560
00:22:45,300 --> 00:22:48,267
"This is a device which gives
small electrical shocks
561
00:22:48,267 --> 00:22:52,000
"on demand and can sometimes
confuse the pain gauge
562
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:53,767
during contractions."
563
00:22:53,767 --> 00:22:56,067
So that basically...
564
00:22:56,067 --> 00:22:57,701
Doesn't work.
Not a hope.
565
00:22:58,767 --> 00:23:00,901
Next, we've got gas and air.
566
00:23:00,901 --> 00:23:03,968
That's a combination
of gas and air
567
00:23:03,968 --> 00:23:08,534
that you inhale and
it makes you feel mildly drunk.
568
00:23:08,534 --> 00:23:10,234
Mildly drunk?
Yeah.
569
00:23:10,234 --> 00:23:11,767
Well, that's bollocks,
isn't it?
570
00:23:12,968 --> 00:23:15,567
Bollocks. Right.
571
00:23:15,567 --> 00:23:18,834
Water birth--not,
strictly speaking, pain relief,
572
00:23:18,834 --> 00:23:20,234
but apparently,
573
00:23:20,234 --> 00:23:23,901
the process of a cranium forcing
its way out of your genitals
574
00:23:23,901 --> 00:23:28,801
can be made more comfortable
if you climb into a warm bath.
575
00:23:28,801 --> 00:23:30,501
And somewhere in the world,
576
00:23:30,501 --> 00:23:33,701
a tree died
to make this sheet of paper.
577
00:23:33,701 --> 00:23:37,133
So, you and tamsin, then?
578
00:23:37,133 --> 00:23:38,300
Apparently.
579
00:23:38,300 --> 00:23:39,834
Not sure how i feel
about that.
580
00:23:39,834 --> 00:23:41,534
Fact of life.
581
00:23:41,534 --> 00:23:43,100
If there's a woman you know,
582
00:23:43,100 --> 00:23:45,234
at some point
she slept with Patrick.
583
00:23:46,968 --> 00:23:48,734
Welcome to the gang.
584
00:23:48,734 --> 00:23:51,167
You're one of us now.
585
00:23:51,167 --> 00:23:52,634
Excellent.
586
00:23:52,634 --> 00:23:54,901
Right, okay!
587
00:23:54,901 --> 00:23:57,367
Here's the last one,
and it's the biggie.
588
00:23:57,367 --> 00:23:59,033
Breathing.
589
00:23:59,033 --> 00:24:01,834
"As an alternative
to conventional pain relief,
590
00:24:01,834 --> 00:24:05,234
"the mother has to breathe
deeply and regularly
591
00:24:05,234 --> 00:24:07,567
"to relax herself
between contractions,
592
00:24:07,567 --> 00:24:11,901
"so that the pain
of successive contractions
does not accumulate,
593
00:24:11,901 --> 00:24:15,734
enabling the mother to
give birth in relative comfort."
594
00:24:15,734 --> 00:24:17,501
By breathing...
595
00:24:18,667 --> 00:24:19,968
Deeply.
596
00:24:21,167 --> 00:24:23,167
( all guffawing )
597
00:24:25,033 --> 00:24:27,367
is there anything in the world
we can't tell them?
598
00:24:27,367 --> 00:24:28,868
Is there anything
they won't believe?
599
00:24:28,868 --> 00:24:32,567
Breathing! That's up there
with "I'll phone you next week."
600
00:24:32,567 --> 00:24:34,534
( all laughing )
601
00:24:35,801 --> 00:24:38,167
"the Internet
is a research tool."
602
00:24:38,167 --> 00:24:41,601
"I'll tap your head
a second before!"
603
00:24:43,434 --> 00:24:46,467
All right, then,
i think we've had enough time.
604
00:24:46,467 --> 00:24:48,667
I take it you lot
have reached a conclusion.
605
00:24:48,667 --> 00:24:50,934
Epidural--why are we
all still here?
606
00:24:50,934 --> 00:24:52,000
Yup, epidural.
607
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:53,167
Epidural.
608
00:24:53,167 --> 00:24:54,968
Oh, for God's sake!
609
00:24:54,968 --> 00:24:56,334
This is a very
typical division.
610
00:24:56,334 --> 00:24:59,234
Men tend to opt
for drug-based pain relief.
611
00:24:59,234 --> 00:25:02,701
Because men are not insane!
612
00:25:02,701 --> 00:25:06,033
There's nothing insane
about natural childbirth.
613
00:25:06,033 --> 00:25:08,300
Oh, yeah?
You think?
614
00:25:08,300 --> 00:25:10,767
Is that what
you're telling people?
615
00:25:10,767 --> 00:25:12,400
Okay, great.
616
00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:16,701
How about a natural
appendectomy, hmm?
617
00:25:16,701 --> 00:25:20,033
How are those going?
Much of a waiting list?
618
00:25:20,033 --> 00:25:24,334
Down the barn,
scalpel warmed up
in a cow's armpit,
619
00:25:24,334 --> 00:25:26,067
bite on the rag,
stick your tummy out,
620
00:25:26,067 --> 00:25:29,767
and it's a big hello
to those perky
little pain gates.
621
00:25:29,767 --> 00:25:31,834
It's a known fact
that with breathing--
622
00:25:31,834 --> 00:25:33,734
do me a favor, please,
all of you.
623
00:25:33,734 --> 00:25:37,100
Go home tonight,
take your shoes and socks off,
624
00:25:37,100 --> 00:25:39,567
and then stub your toe
as hard as you can
625
00:25:39,567 --> 00:25:42,367
against the table leg
of your choice.
626
00:25:43,567 --> 00:25:46,968
Then...( pants )...
627
00:25:46,968 --> 00:25:50,667
Do the breathing exercises
and see where that leaves you.
628
00:25:50,667 --> 00:25:54,801
Pregnant women,
i implore you,
629
00:25:54,801 --> 00:25:56,734
look at the man
you came here with.
630
00:25:56,734 --> 00:25:59,501
Look specifically at his head,
631
00:25:59,501 --> 00:26:01,968
then do the maths
before the maths do you.
632
00:26:01,968 --> 00:26:04,934
Heads into tails don't go!
633
00:26:07,734 --> 00:26:10,934
I don't want an epidural!
634
00:26:10,934 --> 00:26:13,033
And as soon as those
contractions hit?
635
00:26:13,033 --> 00:26:14,267
I'll ask for one.
636
00:26:14,267 --> 00:26:15,334
Exactly.
637
00:26:15,334 --> 00:26:16,767
And you're gonna stop me.
638
00:26:16,767 --> 00:26:18,267
What?
639
00:26:18,267 --> 00:26:19,501
Susan and i have been
discussing this.
640
00:26:19,501 --> 00:26:20,601
I think
it's an excellent idea.
641
00:26:20,601 --> 00:26:22,033
I'm putting you in charge.
642
00:26:22,033 --> 00:26:25,000
When i ask for the drugs,
you're gonna ask me if I'm sure
643
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:26,834
and remind me
of what i said before.
644
00:26:26,834 --> 00:26:29,467
And you're gonna
make me ask three times.
645
00:26:29,467 --> 00:26:31,367
And you're gonna
promise me today
646
00:26:31,367 --> 00:26:32,934
that's what you're gonna do.
647
00:26:32,934 --> 00:26:34,734
Man: Chicken.
648
00:26:34,734 --> 00:26:36,634
I'm in charge?
649
00:26:36,634 --> 00:26:38,934
I'm gonna ask three times,
650
00:26:38,934 --> 00:26:41,701
and you're gonna
promise to make me, yes.
651
00:26:41,701 --> 00:26:43,133
Sally: Chicken.
652
00:26:43,133 --> 00:26:45,300
You see, this is excellent.
653
00:26:45,300 --> 00:26:47,834
Steve is part of the process--
654
00:26:47,834 --> 00:26:49,234
not just an onlooker,
655
00:26:49,234 --> 00:26:51,467
but someone
with actual responsibility,
656
00:26:51,467 --> 00:26:52,734
even authority.
657
00:26:52,734 --> 00:26:54,968
Well, in that case,
would you shut up?!
658
00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:57,100
Steve!
659
00:26:57,100 --> 00:26:59,534
I can't do this!
660
00:26:59,534 --> 00:27:01,300
Yes, you can.
661
00:27:03,634 --> 00:27:05,334
Chicken.
Chicken.
662
00:27:06,334 --> 00:27:07,868
Chicken.
663
00:27:09,601 --> 00:27:12,400
Chicken.
I had the fish.
664
00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:15,467
Mr. Taylor,
you're the only person
on this plane
665
00:27:15,467 --> 00:27:17,501
who isn't about to suffer
from a severe--
666
00:27:17,501 --> 00:27:20,934
and i mean severe--
case of food poisoning.
667
00:27:22,601 --> 00:27:24,667
This plane is due to land
in an hour,
668
00:27:24,667 --> 00:27:27,767
and by that time,
you'll be the only one
on board still conscious.
669
00:27:27,767 --> 00:27:29,267
You better come with me.
670
00:27:29,267 --> 00:27:31,167
You've got a lot to learn.
671
00:27:36,267 --> 00:27:38,000
You better
show me the ropes.
672
00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:40,467
Follow me, mr. Taylor.
673
00:27:41,801 --> 00:27:42,934
Steve?
674
00:27:44,100 --> 00:27:45,934
Don't worry.
675
00:27:45,934 --> 00:27:47,934
We handled the Cliff face.
676
00:27:47,934 --> 00:27:50,267
We can deal with this, too.
677
00:27:50,267 --> 00:27:52,167
You think you can do this?
678
00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:56,767
I guess i just stopped
being a passenger.
679
00:27:56,767 --> 00:27:58,734
And you know what?
680
00:27:58,734 --> 00:28:01,701
It feels kind of good.
681
00:28:07,067 --> 00:28:10,000
Obviously the autopilot
can land the plane,
682
00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:12,400
but with over 200 severe
gastric seizures on the way,
683
00:28:12,400 --> 00:28:14,601
this place is going to be
a real mess.
684
00:28:17,367 --> 00:28:19,767
Good luck.
685
00:28:24,601 --> 00:28:26,601
Take it away, guys.
686
00:28:30,767 --> 00:28:33,200
( playing coupling
theme song )
687
00:28:35,968 --> 00:28:38,868
* if you can't
make your mind up *
688
00:28:38,868 --> 00:28:44,834
* we'll never get started *
689
00:28:44,834 --> 00:28:47,634
* and i don't want to wind up *
690
00:28:47,634 --> 00:28:49,834
* being parted *
691
00:28:49,834 --> 00:28:53,534
* broken-hearted *
692
00:28:53,534 --> 00:28:56,834
* so if you really love me *
693
00:28:56,834 --> 00:28:58,567
* say yes *
694
00:28:58,567 --> 00:29:01,167
* and please don't tell me *
695
00:29:01,167 --> 00:29:02,167
* perhaps *
696
00:29:02,167 --> 00:29:03,167
* perhaps *
697
00:29:03,167 --> 00:29:04,434
* perhaps *