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Bermondsey, South London. Today this is one
of the most expensive parts of the capital,

2
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full of swish apartment blocks
and achingly modern architecture.

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You'd have to have a nice
few quid to live here now.

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But it wasn't always like that.

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When I grew up here, back in the '70s...

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.. there were council
flats and corner shops,

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factories and bombsites.

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It's beaten up and run down

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and nobody has got any money.

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But it doesn't matter --

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this is Bermondsey, South London,

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where I'm from.

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♪ They say time will wait for no man

14
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♪ They say time is on my side

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♪ I can never make my mind up

16
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♪ Cos it all goes whizzing by

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- ♪ From the cradle to the grave
- ♪ From the cradle to the grave

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- ♪ I know I won't be a slave
- ♪ I know I won't be a slave

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♪ To the mistakes that I made

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♪ From the cradle...

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♪ We won't go

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♪ Till I'm ready

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♪ From the cradle to the grave. ♪

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Will you turn that racket off?

25
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I can't keep count here!

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What?! it's Atomic Rooster.

27
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"It's Atomic Rooster?"

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Do you hear that, Bet?
It's Atomic Rooster(!)

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Yeah, lovely, we'll have two
of them next time, eh, Fred?

30
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Here, what you got on your nut?

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It's an activist's hat.
John Lennon wears one.

32
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Does he? Well, you can
give it back to him cos

33
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- you're not going out dressed
like that. - Why not? - "Why not?"

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Cos you look like a big ginger
beer, that's why not.

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Take it off your head and
give it back to your mother.

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She can dry up with it. Danny!

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Don't your mates want none of these
footballs cluttering the house up?

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They've all bought one.

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Bought one? Well, tell
them to buy another one.

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You've got to knock them out, son.

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I've got 300 pairs of Wellington
boots coming the day after tomorrow.

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This pump's poxed as well!

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Home was number 11, Debnams
Road, London. SE16.

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It was always full of "stuff".

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Some items more readily
shiftable than others.

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For a short, while one of
Dad's most popular items

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was continental quilts.

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- ♪ The best things in life
are free... - Here you go.

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♪ But you can give them
to the birds and bees...

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- That's it. Pass them on.
- ♪ I need money... ♪

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It was like living inside an
enormous bag of marshmallows.

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For days, my sister, Sharon,
and my brother, Michael,

53
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- couldn't get into their
bedrooms... - Michael!

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Take that bleeding cap off.

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♪ Your love gives me such a thrill... ♪

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Fred, we can't go on living like this.

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I've got nowhere to put me feet!

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God knows where the bleeding dog is.

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I'm sorting it all out.

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It'll be gone by the weekend, girl.

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Get out of it!

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And they were...

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- Hi.
- Are you all right?

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- Thanks very much.
See you, love. - Bye.

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.. to be replaced by...

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And...

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Or once, as I remember...

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This was Spud's economy. A kingdom
where no detail was overlooked.

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What are you doing?

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Don't do that to me when I'm doing this.

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I'm straightening the electric out.

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I though we already had it straightened.

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Yeah, I'm making it completely straight.

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Fred, unless that wheel turns a bit,

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it looks like we don't use
any electricity in this house.

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That's all right, if the bloke calls round

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we'll get Michael to answer the
door and say we are all hippies.

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Bollocks. I've dropped my putty now.

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The phone's been cut off again,
have you got any plans for that?

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Yeah, I've told Sharon to tell
them I've had a heart attack

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and it's essential, so they'll
have to put it back on.

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Hold my torch for me, will you?

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I have been holding a torch for you

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a long time, Freddy Baker.

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You watch it don't go out.

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There you go, that's lovely, that.

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Aww. The putty is sticking
out at the side.

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Well, it don't have to be tidy.

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You can see it, Fred.

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What the f...?

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Stop the wheel! Stop the wheel!

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Every turn's a fucking tenner!

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I ain't touching it. Oh, Fred.

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I wish I could tell you that Dad
was a legitimate importer/exporter.

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In fact, he was a docker...

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♪ Divided, we'll fall...

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.. and as a result, quite
a few ships left our ports

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a little lighter than they should have.

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♪ Let's work together

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♪ Come on, come on

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♪ Let's work together

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♪ Now, now, people

103
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♪ Because together we'll stand... ♪

104
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Are you sure we can drink this?

105
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I promise you, Methanol
is the same as alcohol.

106
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It's what they make it from.

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It's the same family.
It's the ".. ohol" bit.

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What you talking about?
It's not "alcanol," is it?

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Trust me, Spud.

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It's booze.

111
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Look, it must be on its way
to a German distillery.

112
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In that case,

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I think we're entitled to take a
little bit of export tax, don't you?

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- What's it like?
- 'king hell!

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Can you still see us, Spud?

116
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It's not a bad drop, that.

117
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Ooh, it's not.

118
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Handsimonious, that.

119
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Go and get a hose.

120
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We'll siphon it off.

121
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Do you know what I think that is?

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I think that's what they call "schnapps."

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I had schnapps in Frankfurt

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when I was in the army.

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I think the krauts might have won the war

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if they'd laid off this stuff.

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Here we go.

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Oh!

129
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It was embalming fluid.

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I'd like to say he didn't
still bottle it up

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and sell it round Bermondsey, but
I've never been 100% certain.

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And so, to the night Colin,

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my sister's Sharon's boyfriend,

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was coming round our place
for the first time.

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I think I'll meet Colin at
the top of the street, Mum.

136
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Oh, don't be so silly.

137
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You're building it up too much.

138
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And I've told your dad
not to embarrass you.

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He won't be wearing them
plimsolls, will he?

140
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I don't know. I told him not to.

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Aye, aye. Where's he going?

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Out with Sharon.

143
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What, with her and Steamboat Bill?

144
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He's called Colin, Dad. And I
wish he wasn't coming round now.

145
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He's all right, Sharon.

146
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Your father makes a lot of noise

147
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but he ain't going to do
nothing, are you Fred?

148
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Me?! Anyway where's he taking
her, to go and see Joey Hendrix?

149
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Jimi Hendrix -- and he's dead.

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All right, all right. Don't you start.

151
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Just cos I let you have one orange jacket.

152
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What have I told you about
the way he's turning out?

153
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They're taking Danny out
to the theatre, I told you.

154
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Oh, yeah. The one where
they all strip off.

155
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Yeah, It's a protest
musical. It's political.

156
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"Political?" Does he know
they get it all out?

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That's just paper talk, Fred.
It ain't nothing like that.

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I hoped it wasn't. I'd been thinking
about nothing else for two weeks...

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- I'll get that.
- Fred...

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All right, all right.

161
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I'm not a crackpot.

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Hello, Mr Baker, I'm Colin.

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Well, you can fuck off for a start.

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- Fred!
- What?

165
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- I'm Colin.
- Sure you're not Andy Capp?

166
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I've come to pick Sharon up.

167
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Oh, no, mate. The only thing you'll
be picking up, dressed like that,

168
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is your nose off the pavement
if you don't shift, son.

169
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Oh, leave him alone!

170
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- Hello, boy. Don't mind him,
he don't mean it. - Don't I?

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If you think I'm letting
a daughter of mine walk out

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with some soapy fucker in plimsolls,
you've got another think coming.

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- I'll meet you by the
bus stop. - Oi, Oi, Oi.

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I'll be up there meself
in a couple of minutes

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and if you're still there,

176
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you're going straight under the
next double decker, all right?

177
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For God's sake, Dad!

178
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- What did you have to go and talk
to him like that for? - Well...

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We're still going, aren't we..?

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Plimsolls.

181
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Shall I just wait here?

182
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I don't know,. I don't know where he is.

183
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(Sharon!)

184
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(Sharon!)

185
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Colin...

186
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- .. what are you doing over here?
- Are you on your own?

187
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He won't really throw you under a bus.

188
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- He's a bloody maniac, your dad.
- He don't mean any of that.

189
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Well, why does he say it then?

190
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Anyway, what are you wearing
them poxy plimsolls for?

191
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I told you not to.

192
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Ain't you got any other shoes?

193
00:08:02,780 --> 00:08:06,170
A pair of Persian slippers
and some orange desert boots.

194
00:08:06,220 --> 00:08:08,730
Fair enough. Come on.

195
00:08:08,780 --> 00:08:11,650
'I'd actually been quietly
crushed by Dad's reaction.

196
00:08:11,700 --> 00:08:13,810
'You see, I absolutely idolised Colin

197
00:08:13,860 --> 00:08:15,330
'and I loved how he looked.'

198
00:08:15,380 --> 00:08:17,130
All right? 'Even his plimsolls.'

199
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What's wrong with plimsolls anyway?

200
00:08:19,220 --> 00:08:20,730
What's wrong with you?

201
00:08:20,780 --> 00:08:24,050
Me and my mates could only
dream of gear like Colin's.

202
00:08:24,100 --> 00:08:25,850
With the end of year disco looming,

203
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the peak of our fashion ambition was
a pair of two-tone tonic trousers.

204
00:08:29,740 --> 00:08:31,810
Do you reckon they'll still
have them next week?

205
00:08:31,860 --> 00:08:34,050
I ain't go no chance.
I've only got a pound.

206
00:08:34,100 --> 00:08:35,690
Ain't me birthday till March.

207
00:08:35,740 --> 00:08:37,410
What are you going to be, six?

208
00:08:37,460 --> 00:08:40,500
Oh, six! At least I've got a mum.

209
00:08:41,660 --> 00:08:43,210
I ain't getting them in plum and blue.

210
00:08:43,260 --> 00:08:44,850
Everyone's got them in plum and blue.

211
00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:47,050
They don't do them in our
size in turquoise and gold.

212
00:08:47,100 --> 00:08:49,450
- Yeah, they do, I've seen them.
- No, you ain't.

213
00:08:49,500 --> 00:08:51,930
Oi, oi, what's this -- tramp's outing?

214
00:08:51,980 --> 00:08:53,610
Hello, Len, what you got?

215
00:08:53,660 --> 00:08:56,460
- Pair of tonics.
- You're joking. Show us.

216
00:09:04,060 --> 00:09:06,330
Oi, Oi, Oi. Off the cloth, moth.

217
00:09:06,380 --> 00:09:09,250
I told you they did them in
turquoise and gold in our size.

218
00:09:09,300 --> 00:09:11,410
They don't any more.
These are the last ones.

219
00:09:11,460 --> 00:09:14,370
- What do you mean? - Old man Nelson
marked my card, didn't he?

220
00:09:14,420 --> 00:09:17,010
That's it, they ain't making
them in our size any more.

221
00:09:17,060 --> 00:09:18,850
What, they're the last pair?

222
00:09:18,900 --> 00:09:21,450
They got loads of plum and
blue left. Thousands of them.

223
00:09:21,500 --> 00:09:24,570
Now, unlike you 'moes, I've
got loads of birds to shag.

224
00:09:24,620 --> 00:09:27,260
So, you drop... back!

225
00:09:35,900 --> 00:09:38,930
♪ I'm in with the in crowd

226
00:09:38,980 --> 00:09:41,290
♪ I go where the in crowd goes... ♪

227
00:09:41,340 --> 00:09:43,410
I think plum and blue
are the best, y'know?

228
00:09:43,460 --> 00:09:46,250
Especially with all the lighting in there.

229
00:09:46,300 --> 00:09:48,490
What are you all dressed the same for?

230
00:09:48,540 --> 00:09:50,010
Cos these are in.

231
00:09:50,060 --> 00:09:51,450
Plum and blue?

232
00:09:51,500 --> 00:09:54,050
- Lenny Byart's got a pair of turquoise
and gold. - Yeah, we know.

233
00:09:54,100 --> 00:09:56,490
And he's taking Marion Chivers
out in them on Wednesday.

234
00:09:56,540 --> 00:09:58,890
What? I didn't know he was
going out with Marion Chivers.

235
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He wasn't. But he's got a pair of
turquoise and golds now, hasn't he?

236
00:10:02,060 --> 00:10:03,770
Here, I'm asking her out.

237
00:10:03,820 --> 00:10:06,450
Amanda Bold? You ain't
got no chance, mate.

238
00:10:06,500 --> 00:10:09,010
No, no, no. I think she likes me.

239
00:10:09,060 --> 00:10:10,610
Oi, oi!

240
00:10:10,660 --> 00:10:12,730
Len, where's your turquoise and golds?

241
00:10:12,780 --> 00:10:14,850
I am not going to waste them here, am I?

242
00:10:14,900 --> 00:10:17,010
You all look the same you divaloes.

243
00:10:17,060 --> 00:10:19,370
AND that's West Ham's colours.

244
00:10:19,420 --> 00:10:21,380
Drop... back!

245
00:10:22,540 --> 00:10:25,210
Look, Len, Len. I need
to ask you something.

246
00:10:25,260 --> 00:10:27,130
I've got to borrow your
turquoise and golds.

247
00:10:27,180 --> 00:10:29,690
Oh, get lost, mate -- no chance.
I ain't worn them myself yet.

248
00:10:29,740 --> 00:10:31,490
Do us this one favour. Come on.

249
00:10:31,540 --> 00:10:34,530
Remember when I let you shoot me
in the arse with that air pistol?

250
00:10:34,580 --> 00:10:37,050
- Yeah. - I'm going to ask
out Amanda Bold, you see, Len,

251
00:10:37,100 --> 00:10:39,930
and all I need is you to borrow
them to me for two hours.

252
00:10:39,980 --> 00:10:41,770
It's guaranteed then, innit?

253
00:10:41,820 --> 00:10:43,890
You're mental. I'm not
going to lend you trousers

254
00:10:43,940 --> 00:10:46,610
- when I ain't even worn them myself.
- Oh, come on you've got too...

255
00:10:46,660 --> 00:10:47,770
I'll give you a pound.

256
00:10:47,820 --> 00:10:49,130
I don't want a pound.

257
00:10:49,180 --> 00:10:52,370
- All right. I'll give you five pound.
- You ain't got five pound!

258
00:10:52,420 --> 00:10:54,490
All right, I'll give you a pound.

259
00:10:54,540 --> 00:10:57,700
Come on -- there only going to
be hanging up in your house.

260
00:10:59,060 --> 00:11:00,890
A pound? For two hours?

261
00:11:00,940 --> 00:11:04,090
Just while I ask her out.

262
00:11:04,140 --> 00:11:05,250
All right.

263
00:11:05,300 --> 00:11:07,330
Lenny's reluctance was unusual.

264
00:11:07,380 --> 00:11:10,370
People on the estate were normally
quite happy to help each other out.

265
00:11:10,420 --> 00:11:12,370
Freddie. Fred.

266
00:11:12,420 --> 00:11:13,730
Floating.

267
00:11:13,780 --> 00:11:16,130
Freddie, can you help Lil out?

268
00:11:16,180 --> 00:11:18,810
- Why? What's a matter? - Radio
Rentals say they're coming round

269
00:11:18,860 --> 00:11:20,530
- to take our telly back.
- Where's Wal?

270
00:11:20,580 --> 00:11:23,050
Oh, he's gone out. He'll have
the right hump about it.

271
00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:25,210
The Avengers is on tonight,

272
00:11:25,260 --> 00:11:26,860
he likes that.

273
00:11:27,740 --> 00:11:29,010
Right.

274
00:11:36,260 --> 00:11:38,170
- Yes?
- From Radio Rentals.

275
00:11:38,220 --> 00:11:40,570
I'm sorry, but I've come
to take the set back.

276
00:11:40,620 --> 00:11:45,140
Oh, God... I suppose you'd
better come in, then.

277
00:11:49,940 --> 00:11:53,690
- Who's this? - It's Radio Rentals.
This is my husband, Walter.

278
00:11:53,740 --> 00:11:57,170
- The man's come to... - I've come
to repossess the set. - You what?

279
00:11:57,220 --> 00:12:00,090
- Stand aside, please, sir. It's
our property. - I'm sorry, Wally.

280
00:12:00,140 --> 00:12:03,250
- Well, how long has she been missing
the payments? - About, eight weeks now.

281
00:12:03,300 --> 00:12:06,410
- I'm really sorry, honestly I am.
- I'm sure you are... now.

282
00:12:06,460 --> 00:12:08,370
Look, I've been giving
her that money, mate,

283
00:12:08,420 --> 00:12:11,130
- but she's been spending it.
- Well it was only on food, Wally.

284
00:12:11,180 --> 00:12:13,970
Bollocks to food! She's
been up the bingo with it.

285
00:12:14,020 --> 00:12:16,560
Here! Go on, take the thing. Take it.

286
00:12:20,420 --> 00:12:25,690
Sorry about this, mate.
I can't apologise enough.

287
00:12:25,740 --> 00:12:28,450
And as soon as you're out this door,
mate, I'll knock it out of her.

288
00:12:28,500 --> 00:12:31,370
- Please, Wally, I didn't mean to.
- No, and I won't mean to neither.

289
00:12:31,420 --> 00:12:34,010
- Not in front of the man, Wally...
- He won't save you.

290
00:12:34,060 --> 00:12:35,850
Now, now, wait a minute, Mr Shaw.

291
00:12:35,900 --> 00:12:37,170
I don't want this to get nasty.

292
00:12:37,220 --> 00:12:39,730
- You clear off -- I'll sort this
myself. - Look, please, please.

293
00:12:39,780 --> 00:12:41,490
I don't want to cause any ructions --

294
00:12:41,540 --> 00:12:44,170
I can't leave it like this.

295
00:12:44,220 --> 00:12:47,530
How about I go back and have a
word about extending your credit?

296
00:12:47,580 --> 00:12:49,570
Oh, could you?

297
00:12:49,620 --> 00:12:51,170
Oh, that would be marvellous, Mr...?

298
00:12:51,220 --> 00:12:53,610
What if I were to do that, sir?

299
00:12:53,660 --> 00:12:54,810
Well, you can pay for it,

300
00:12:54,860 --> 00:12:57,090
out of your housekeeping
-- cos I'm not paying twice.

301
00:12:57,140 --> 00:12:59,340
Yes, Wally. Straight. I will.

302
00:13:01,420 --> 00:13:03,490
Go on, then. Put it back.

303
00:13:08,020 --> 00:13:10,370
Actually, could I try it over there?

304
00:13:10,420 --> 00:13:12,690
I've always wanted to move it.

305
00:13:21,940 --> 00:13:24,810
Actually, I did like
it better where it was.

306
00:13:26,820 --> 00:13:29,010
Here. There you go, mate.

307
00:13:29,060 --> 00:13:31,090
There's five bob for your aggravation.

308
00:13:31,140 --> 00:13:33,140
Oh, thank you very much!

309
00:13:34,140 --> 00:13:35,930
Hey-hey!

310
00:13:35,980 --> 00:13:37,410
Oh, Freddie, you are murder.

311
00:13:37,460 --> 00:13:39,250
He thought you was going to kill me.

312
00:13:39,300 --> 00:13:41,650
Only thing that gets knocked
is Radio Rentals!

313
00:13:41,700 --> 00:13:44,490
There you go, girl, that should see
you right for a couple of months.

314
00:13:44,540 --> 00:13:46,090
Oh, ta, love.

315
00:13:46,140 --> 00:13:48,170
The nearest thing we had to a youth centre

316
00:13:48,220 --> 00:13:50,410
was a creepy street of
abandoned old houses,

317
00:13:50,460 --> 00:13:52,890
locally known as Mud Island.

318
00:13:52,940 --> 00:13:54,170
Why?

319
00:13:54,220 --> 00:13:57,900
Cos they were literally sinking
into the rotten, Rotherhithe mud.

320
00:14:02,260 --> 00:14:04,010
Yeah, there's shit in here somewhere.

321
00:14:04,060 --> 00:14:05,130
Always is in old houses.

322
00:14:05,180 --> 00:14:07,290
I reckon Teddy Dunderdale
been in here again.

323
00:14:07,340 --> 00:14:09,610
Always leaves them behind.
It's his trademark.

324
00:14:09,660 --> 00:14:12,370
- Where's Martin? - Lenny's
dropping the trousers round.

325
00:14:12,420 --> 00:14:14,330
He ain't really borrowing them, is he?

326
00:14:14,380 --> 00:14:15,930
Yeah, he's paid a pound to use them.

327
00:14:15,980 --> 00:14:17,410
Lenny told me it was a fiver.

328
00:14:17,460 --> 00:14:20,170
Why would he pay a fiver
when they only cost 2.25?

329
00:14:20,220 --> 00:14:22,760
- Turquoise and gold.
- Amanda Bold.

330
00:14:23,580 --> 00:14:25,290
He won't get hold of Amanda Bold.

331
00:14:25,340 --> 00:14:26,930
No-one's gets hold of her.

332
00:14:26,980 --> 00:14:28,890
♪ Turquoise and gold, Amanda Bold.

333
00:14:28,940 --> 00:14:31,330
♪ Turquoise and gold, Amanda Bold

334
00:14:31,380 --> 00:14:34,090
♪ Turquoise and gold, Amanda Bold. ♪

335
00:14:34,140 --> 00:14:36,010
Oi! You up there?

336
00:14:36,060 --> 00:14:37,490
That's Martin.

337
00:14:37,540 --> 00:14:39,890
Shh.

338
00:14:39,940 --> 00:14:42,740
Here, don't muck about
-- what room you in?

339
00:14:45,980 --> 00:14:47,170
Yeah, yeah. All right.

340
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:48,730
Where are you?

341
00:14:48,780 --> 00:14:50,300
You up here?

342
00:14:54,820 --> 00:14:56,610
What room?

343
00:14:56,660 --> 00:14:58,650
Ma-a-a-artin!

344
00:14:58,700 --> 00:15:00,810
Don't muck about, it's boring.

345
00:15:00,860 --> 00:15:02,690
What room you in?

346
00:15:02,740 --> 00:15:04,050
Is it this one?

347
00:15:04,100 --> 00:15:06,490
Sh, sh, sh.

348
00:15:06,540 --> 00:15:09,480
Come on, you moes, I
ain't got time for this.

349
00:15:13,180 --> 00:15:15,220
Martin -- we're in here.

350
00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:20,180
Mart?

351
00:15:22,220 --> 00:15:24,020
What was that noise?

352
00:15:30,660 --> 00:15:32,860
Martin?

353
00:15:39,900 --> 00:15:41,380
Oh, shit...

354
00:15:45,700 --> 00:15:49,260
- Martin. - Martin. - Martin. - Martin!

355
00:15:57,140 --> 00:15:58,370
Mart?

356
00:15:58,420 --> 00:16:01,490
He ain't moving.

357
00:16:01,540 --> 00:16:03,740
Shit.

358
00:16:08,460 --> 00:16:12,370
Other than a few pets, this was our
first proper experience of death.

359
00:16:12,420 --> 00:16:15,170
We hadn't quiet mastered grief either...

360
00:16:15,220 --> 00:16:16,730
Dickie was crying!

361
00:16:16,780 --> 00:16:17,890
No, I'm not!

362
00:16:17,940 --> 00:16:20,340
Oi, shut up. It's Martin's auntie.

363
00:16:28,340 --> 00:16:29,970
Len, what's up?

364
00:16:30,020 --> 00:16:31,850
Do you reckon his mum brought my trousers?

365
00:16:31,900 --> 00:16:34,650
- Oh, shut up about your trousers.
- Well, when can I ask for them back?

366
00:16:34,700 --> 00:16:36,370
Not today. Have some respect.

367
00:16:36,420 --> 00:16:39,050
Yeah, you're going to have to wait
at least another week, mate.

368
00:16:39,100 --> 00:16:42,450
- Too late. I'm going out with Amanda
Bold on Friday. - Amanda Bold?

369
00:16:42,500 --> 00:16:44,850
I thought you was going
out with Marion Chivers.

370
00:16:44,900 --> 00:16:47,730
- Yeah, I am. - So, how comes you're
going out with Amanda Bold as well?

371
00:16:47,780 --> 00:16:50,720
Well, he's not going
out with her now, is he?

372
00:16:52,020 --> 00:16:55,520
Would you boys like to come
in and pay your respects now?

373
00:17:42,420 --> 00:17:44,220
Oh, no, no, no, no.

374
00:17:46,260 --> 00:17:48,010
Be strong.

375
00:17:48,060 --> 00:17:49,860
We're all in shock.

376
00:17:55,780 --> 00:17:57,650
My strides!

377
00:17:57,700 --> 00:17:59,530
My strides!

378
00:17:59,580 --> 00:18:01,570
He can't go down the hole in my strides.

379
00:18:01,620 --> 00:18:03,760
Not my turquoise and golds!

380
00:18:04,980 --> 00:18:06,930
♪ Turquoise and gold, down the hole

381
00:18:06,980 --> 00:18:08,610
♪ Turquoise and gold, down the hole

382
00:18:08,660 --> 00:18:10,730
♪ Turquoise and gold, down the hole

383
00:18:10,780 --> 00:18:13,450
♪ Turquoise and gold, down the hole... ♪

384
00:18:26,340 --> 00:18:29,330
So, anyway, there I was,
with Colin and Sharon,

385
00:18:29,380 --> 00:18:30,610
sitting in the West End,

386
00:18:30,660 --> 00:18:34,610
waiting for loads of actresses to
start prancing about in the nude.

387
00:18:34,660 --> 00:18:36,370
This had to go better than the last time,

388
00:18:36,420 --> 00:18:39,720
I'd attempted to see a female
in the state of undress.

389
00:18:43,380 --> 00:18:45,250
Whenever my nan went on holiday,

390
00:18:45,300 --> 00:18:46,730
it was my job to go round

391
00:18:46,780 --> 00:18:48,810
and feed her goldfish and her budgie.

392
00:18:48,860 --> 00:18:50,090
In the process,

393
00:18:50,140 --> 00:18:53,090
I worked out that me and my newly
acquired girlfriend, Yvonne,

394
00:18:53,140 --> 00:18:57,290
would have the flat to
ourselves for a few hours.

395
00:18:57,340 --> 00:18:59,170
Ain't you going to take
these trousers off?

396
00:18:59,220 --> 00:19:00,490
No way.

397
00:19:06,060 --> 00:19:07,250
What was that?

398
00:19:07,300 --> 00:19:09,370
It's all right, it's all right.

399
00:19:09,420 --> 00:19:10,610
I've got the only key.

400
00:19:10,660 --> 00:19:15,090
'What I should have added there,
were the words "I think."'

401
00:19:36,460 --> 00:19:38,060
You should go.

402
00:19:40,300 --> 00:19:41,930
Oh, my God.

403
00:19:41,980 --> 00:19:43,530
Oh, my good God!

404
00:19:43,580 --> 00:19:45,690
Oh, what have I just seen?

405
00:19:45,740 --> 00:19:47,540
Oh, I've gone blind.

406
00:19:48,260 --> 00:19:50,570
Oh! And in me mother's bed.

407
00:19:50,620 --> 00:19:54,690
Oh! Right, you get home NOW,
you dirty little bastard!

408
00:19:54,740 --> 00:19:57,210
I am telling your father right now!

409
00:19:57,260 --> 00:19:59,100
And yours, Yvonne!

410
00:20:04,940 --> 00:20:09,010
You do know my dad is going to have
you murdered for this, don't you?

411
00:20:09,060 --> 00:20:10,930
It had occurred to me, yeah.

412
00:20:10,980 --> 00:20:13,250
And then there's your dad.

413
00:20:13,300 --> 00:20:15,170
Then there's my mum...

414
00:20:15,220 --> 00:20:16,760
My brother...

415
00:20:17,660 --> 00:20:20,060
Uncle Eddie's a maniac as well...

416
00:20:26,220 --> 00:20:28,700
- Hello?
- Hello, Mum? It's me...

417
00:20:31,940 --> 00:20:34,020
I said, "It's me." Danny.

418
00:20:36,860 --> 00:20:39,410
What should I do, Mum?

419
00:20:39,460 --> 00:20:41,490
Well, you should get back here.

420
00:20:41,540 --> 00:20:42,930
Now.

421
00:20:42,980 --> 00:20:45,180
Your father wants to see you.

422
00:20:46,620 --> 00:20:47,930
OK.

423
00:20:47,980 --> 00:20:49,490
What about Yvonne?

424
00:20:49,540 --> 00:20:53,010
I haven't said anything
to her dad -- I daren't.

425
00:20:53,060 --> 00:20:57,020
And you've got enough to worry about
with your father so get home. Now.

426
00:21:06,380 --> 00:21:07,850
What did she say?

427
00:21:07,900 --> 00:21:09,410
My dad's going to kill me.

428
00:21:09,460 --> 00:21:11,090
Yeah, what about me?

429
00:21:11,140 --> 00:21:13,770
Oh, she said she's not going
to say nothing to your dad.

430
00:21:13,820 --> 00:21:15,740
So, I'm all right?

431
00:21:16,980 --> 00:21:18,010
Oh, brilliant.

432
00:21:18,060 --> 00:21:21,700
I tell you what -- I'm never doing
anything like that again, OK?

433
00:21:25,140 --> 00:21:26,610
Great.

434
00:21:26,660 --> 00:21:28,260
More good news.

435
00:21:40,940 --> 00:21:43,420
Danny! Danny! Danny!

436
00:21:44,820 --> 00:21:47,290
You wait till your father gets home.

437
00:21:51,140 --> 00:21:52,850
This didn't bear thinking about,

438
00:21:52,900 --> 00:21:54,810
I'd recently witnessed what had happened

439
00:21:54,860 --> 00:21:58,160
to the last member of our
family to really upset Mum.

440
00:21:58,900 --> 00:22:00,490
Tom the tortoise.

441
00:22:00,540 --> 00:22:04,050
Dad adored Tom, even though they
seemed to be constantly arguing.

442
00:22:04,100 --> 00:22:05,890
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

443
00:22:05,940 --> 00:22:08,530
Now, I won't tell you again,

444
00:22:08,580 --> 00:22:11,250
stop fucking eating my crysanths.

445
00:22:11,300 --> 00:22:12,450
Listen to me,

446
00:22:12,500 --> 00:22:15,210
that's your side of the
garden and that's mine.

447
00:22:15,260 --> 00:22:17,730
Stay away from my side, do you understand?

448
00:22:17,780 --> 00:22:21,610
Dad he's a tortoise. He
can't understand, can he?

449
00:22:21,660 --> 00:22:23,170
He understands all right.

450
00:22:23,220 --> 00:22:26,530
And another thing, stay out
the front room, got it?

451
00:22:26,580 --> 00:22:28,970
This is how dad spoke to everything,

452
00:22:29,020 --> 00:22:30,970
from blue bottles...

453
00:22:31,020 --> 00:22:33,570
Go on. Land on my leg.
See what you fucking get!

454
00:22:33,620 --> 00:22:35,530
.. to my brother's disappointing lizard...

455
00:22:35,580 --> 00:22:37,890
Oi, liven your ideas up!

456
00:22:37,940 --> 00:22:39,970
Don't you look at me like that!

457
00:22:40,020 --> 00:22:42,930
.. but Tom, in particular,
just wouldn't be told,

458
00:22:42,980 --> 00:22:47,210
which led to the great
teapot disaster of 1973.

459
00:22:50,860 --> 00:22:52,130
He's thick.

460
00:22:52,180 --> 00:22:56,330
My mum's absolute pride and joy was
her collection of novelty teapots.

461
00:22:56,380 --> 00:22:58,520
He's not got one right yet.

462
00:23:00,140 --> 00:23:01,610
Fred?

463
00:23:01,660 --> 00:23:04,330
This is all set up before
it's even started, this.

464
00:23:04,380 --> 00:23:05,930
What?

465
00:23:05,980 --> 00:23:08,250
My teapots just moved.

466
00:23:08,300 --> 00:23:09,930
Moved, what do you mean moved?

467
00:23:09,980 --> 00:23:12,980
- Well, have a look. They're
moving. - Bollocks!

468
00:23:13,860 --> 00:23:16,330
Is it the trains doing it?

469
00:23:16,380 --> 00:23:17,530
They did, they just moved.

470
00:23:17,580 --> 00:23:19,650
Danny, go and have a look.

471
00:23:20,460 --> 00:23:22,860
Four eyes, look at four eyes here.

472
00:23:24,540 --> 00:23:26,490
- Oh, Bamber.
- Oh, yeah!

473
00:23:26,540 --> 00:23:28,370
It's Tom, he's stuck underneath.

474
00:23:28,420 --> 00:23:30,130
- What, the tortoise?
- Yeah.

475
00:23:30,180 --> 00:23:32,980
Well, get him out before
the whole thing...

476
00:23:41,420 --> 00:23:43,650
- Oh, my God.
- You naughty bastard.

477
00:23:43,700 --> 00:23:46,050
Look at my teapots.

478
00:23:46,100 --> 00:23:48,700
What am I going to do -- Sellotape them?

479
00:23:50,700 --> 00:23:52,810
Yeah I'd run away and all if I was you!

480
00:23:52,860 --> 00:23:54,890
We had to hide Tom away for two weeks

481
00:23:54,940 --> 00:23:58,290
after Dad swore he was going to
turn his shell into a jelly mould.

482
00:23:58,340 --> 00:24:01,840
And I daren't even guess what
was going to happen to me.

483
00:24:02,860 --> 00:24:04,010
Fred, he's in now.

484
00:24:04,060 --> 00:24:05,410
Right, leave him to me.

485
00:24:05,460 --> 00:24:06,650
Well, don't hurt him.

486
00:24:06,700 --> 00:24:08,970
I know exactly what to do
here. Are you all right now?

487
00:24:09,020 --> 00:24:12,320
Well, I am now, but I shall
never get over what I saw.

488
00:24:14,380 --> 00:24:15,980
Where are you?

489
00:24:18,780 --> 00:24:21,370
Your mother's been downstairs
crying all day long

490
00:24:21,420 --> 00:24:23,090
cos of what she's seen round Nan's.

491
00:24:23,140 --> 00:24:25,530
She said it was like a fucking
knocking shop round there.

492
00:24:25,580 --> 00:24:28,330
You had your trousers round your
ankles showing all you ain't got --

493
00:24:28,380 --> 00:24:31,370
who the fuck do you think you are,
Joey Hendrix or whoever he's called?

494
00:24:31,420 --> 00:24:34,010
Have you gone batchy? I've
never heard anything like it

495
00:24:34,060 --> 00:24:35,410
in ALL MY LIFE!

496
00:24:35,460 --> 00:24:36,810
(Take no notice, son.)

497
00:24:36,860 --> 00:24:38,090
(It's just for her, this.)

498
00:24:38,140 --> 00:24:39,530
(I was the same at your age.)

499
00:24:39,580 --> 00:24:41,170
And you can go to bed hungry tonight!

500
00:24:41,220 --> 00:24:42,330
Bollocks to your tea,

501
00:24:42,380 --> 00:24:44,810
and bollocks to going out for
the rest of the week and all.

502
00:24:44,860 --> 00:24:47,250
(Getting on all right, was
you? Before she turned up?)

503
00:24:47,300 --> 00:24:48,450
Have you got that?

504
00:24:48,500 --> 00:24:51,370
You're a disgrace, you
are. Don't forget it.

505
00:24:56,260 --> 00:24:57,850
It was an incredible moment.

506
00:24:57,900 --> 00:25:01,770
That night, I realised we
were both men of the world.

507
00:25:01,820 --> 00:25:04,130
So, anyway, so there I was,

508
00:25:04,180 --> 00:25:06,890
finally waiting to witness
this much talked about event

509
00:25:06,940 --> 00:25:08,810
in British theatre...

510
00:25:11,580 --> 00:25:16,090
.. and then, at that generation
defining moment, two things.

511
00:25:16,140 --> 00:25:18,730
First, I hadn't quite factored in

512
00:25:18,780 --> 00:25:21,650
that I'd be sitting next
to my own sister...

513
00:25:26,780 --> 00:25:29,410
.. and second, blokes.

514
00:25:29,460 --> 00:25:31,600
The cast was mainly blokes.

515
00:25:38,660 --> 00:25:40,690
And then it happened...

516
00:26:14,460 --> 00:26:16,530
I'll say goodnight, then.

517
00:26:16,580 --> 00:26:18,220
I said...

518
00:26:22,460 --> 00:26:25,570
Well, did you see anything?

519
00:26:25,620 --> 00:26:28,210
Just arses or did they run around?

520
00:26:28,260 --> 00:26:30,530
How was their orchestra stalls?

521
00:26:32,420 --> 00:26:35,610
Any of them keep their plimsolls on?

522
00:26:39,420 --> 00:26:41,330
If this was the counter culture,

523
00:26:41,380 --> 00:26:43,050
then give me Val Doonican,

524
00:26:43,100 --> 00:26:44,730
Give me Pinky and Perky,

525
00:26:44,780 --> 00:26:46,370
but above all, right now,

526
00:26:46,420 --> 00:26:48,490
someone give me a flannel.

527
00:26:52,180 --> 00:26:53,930
After everything that had happened,

528
00:26:53,980 --> 00:26:56,090
we no longer felt like using Mud Island

529
00:26:56,140 --> 00:26:58,280
as an adventure playground.

530
00:27:10,260 --> 00:27:12,450
I'd be careful where you tread in there.

531
00:27:12,500 --> 00:27:13,890
Teddy!

532
00:27:13,940 --> 00:27:15,740
It's his trade mark!

533
00:27:17,980 --> 00:27:20,890
We never forgot our mate but, soon enough,

534
00:27:20,940 --> 00:27:23,680
we did find other uses for the old place.

535
00:27:25,940 --> 00:27:28,690
Sharon finished with Colin
not long after that night out.

536
00:27:28,740 --> 00:27:30,770
She said he wasn't her sort of bloke,

537
00:27:30,820 --> 00:27:33,010
which is exactly why Dad
spoke to him the way he did.

538
00:27:33,060 --> 00:27:34,970
It was a test, and Colin had failed it.

539
00:27:35,020 --> 00:27:36,170
See you later.

540
00:27:36,220 --> 00:27:37,450
Michael!

541
00:27:37,500 --> 00:27:39,840
My old man never missed a thing.

542
00:27:45,020 --> 00:27:48,540
♪ They say time will wait for no man

543
00:27:49,900 --> 00:27:53,940
♪ They say time is on my side

544
00:27:54,980 --> 00:27:59,170
♪ I can never make my mind up

545
00:27:59,220 --> 00:28:02,090
♪ As it all goes whizzing by

546
00:28:02,140 --> 00:28:04,370
♪ From the cradle to the grave

547
00:28:04,420 --> 00:28:06,930
♪ From the cradle to the grave

548
00:28:06,980 --> 00:28:09,450
♪ I know I won't be a slave ♪

549
00:28:09,500 --> 00:28:11,140
♪ I know I won't be a slave... ♪