1 00:00:05,140 --> 00:00:10,050 ♪ They say time will wait for no man 2 00:00:10,100 --> 00:00:14,910 ♪ They say time is on my side 3 00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:18,910 ♪ I can never make my mind up 4 00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:21,870 ♪ Cos it all goes whizzing by 5 00:00:21,920 --> 00:00:27,190 - ♪ From the cradle to the grave - From the cradle to the grave 6 00:00:27,240 --> 00:00:32,470 - ♪ I know I won't be a slave - I know I won't be a slave 7 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:36,390 - ♪ To the mistakes that I made - From the cradle 8 00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:39,430 ♪ And I won't go till I'm ready 9 00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:42,120 ♪ From the cradle to the grave. ♪ 10 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:47,310 'In every man's life, there comes the moment 11 00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:49,030 'when his lemonade days are over, 12 00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:51,230 'and for me and my mates, that time had arrived.' 13 00:00:51,280 --> 00:00:52,710 Right, main thing is, 14 00:00:52,760 --> 00:00:55,390 don't make out like you've never been in a pub before. 15 00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:58,190 Have your drink ready. Say it like it's usual. 16 00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:00,230 - Right, what you having? - Half a lager. 17 00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:02,230 - What lager? - Harp. 18 00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:03,910 - You? - Skol. 19 00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:05,390 Guinness. 20 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:06,950 Large Scotch. 21 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:08,230 Oh! Scotch. 22 00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:09,430 All right, listen, you lot. 23 00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:11,590 Just have that ready when you're asked, all right? 24 00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:13,440 All right, go. Go! 25 00:01:23,360 --> 00:01:25,270 Right, what do you lot want? 26 00:01:25,320 --> 00:01:28,270 - Half a lager. - Skol. - Pint of Guinness. - Large Scotch. 27 00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:31,230 - Are you all old enough? - Yeah. - Yeah. 28 00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:33,020 How old are you? 29 00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:35,580 Twenty... three. 30 00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:38,110 23. 31 00:01:38,160 --> 00:01:40,360 He's Micky Baker's brother. 32 00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:43,680 Is Micky coming in tonight? 33 00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:47,220 Um, yeah, I think so. Bit later on. 34 00:01:48,440 --> 00:01:51,150 Go on, then. Say them again -- one at a time. 35 00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:53,430 - Large Scotch, darling. - Guinness. 36 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:55,750 - Cheryl wants me to bring a bit of drink back. - Yeah? 37 00:01:55,800 --> 00:01:59,700 You ain't seen nothing like it when she's had a little drop. 38 00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:07,520 Danny! 39 00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:15,030 Danny, answer the front door, tell them I'm not in. 40 00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:16,430 Why can't Michael do it? 41 00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:18,470 Why don't you belt up, you greasy little germ? 42 00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:20,710 Come on, hurry up! Danny! 43 00:02:36,920 --> 00:02:37,990 Hello. 44 00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:40,510 Southwark Insurance. Can I speak to your father, please? 45 00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:42,070 Oh. No, he ain't in. 46 00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:44,590 Now, I know he is. I've been working my way round the estate. 47 00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:47,150 I saw him come in with a paper, he hasn't come back out again. 48 00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:48,710 No, no, honestly. He ain't in. 49 00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:50,790 Listen, your father's payments are in arrears. 50 00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:53,430 Playing these games just wastes everybody's time and effort. 51 00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:54,790 Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! 52 00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:58,200 If he says I ain't in, I ain't in, mate! 53 00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:01,990 Erm... do... do you know when you might be back? 54 00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:04,710 Next week. I'd try again next week, if I were you. 55 00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:07,160 Ta-ra! 56 00:03:08,640 --> 00:03:11,790 Who was it this time? Telly? Christmas club? Gas man? 57 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:14,390 Insurance man, speaking to Danny like he was staff! 58 00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:16,470 You have to pay him sooner or later, Fred. 59 00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:18,670 Later, then. I'll sort it, Bet. I always do. 60 00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:21,030 - Fred? - Yeah? 61 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:23,510 What have you done with my washing machine? 62 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:27,630 Right, right, listen. Thing is, don't do your nut. 63 00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:29,870 We've only had it a month! What have you done with it? 64 00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:31,790 Now, Dad hadn't actually been intending 65 00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:33,390 to sell our new washing machine, 66 00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:36,190 when the night before, he walked into the Duke Of Suffolk... 67 00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:38,350 How you getting on with those semifinal tickets? 68 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:41,500 Leave it with me, Wal. Leave it with me. Oi, oi. 69 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:45,710 - Got me Scotch? - Got it. You got me fish? - Yep. 70 00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:48,510 - Got you 64 boxes. - 64?! 71 00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:51,110 - Got a freezer, ain't you? - No. 72 00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:53,750 Chest freezer? Yeah, I can get hold of one of them for you. 73 00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:55,950 - What do you want for it? - What you got? 74 00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:58,310 - Table lamps? - Oh, be sensible. 75 00:03:58,360 --> 00:04:00,790 - What about that Scotch you had? - It's gone. 76 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:03,670 Just knocked out the last couple of bottles for him and his haddock. 77 00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:04,950 Let's see. 78 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:08,070 - You like a bet, don't you? - Yeah. - How about our share of the greyhound? 79 00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:09,150 What greyhound? 80 00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,910 Here, Little Legs, you still in the market for a washing machine? 81 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:14,030 - The old lady is. Why? - Cos I know where I can get one. 82 00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:16,510 What do you want for it? Only I'm scratching at the minute. 83 00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:18,990 - That half a greyhound you own. - Oh, leave it out, Spud. 84 00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:20,390 I think it's died of old age! 85 00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:22,350 Never mind old age. Can I have it? 86 00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:25,600 - For a washing machine? - For a washing machine. 87 00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:31,880 So that's how my mum ended up without a washing machine. 88 00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,640 What's that smell? 89 00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:37,920 Ah, another little treat for you under here. 90 00:04:38,880 --> 00:04:41,190 - Haddock -- 64 boxes. - Oh! 91 00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:43,150 - Good gear, that! - Oh, Fred! 92 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:45,990 - Finest haddock. - They'll stink the house out! 93 00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:49,310 Yes, which is why you're getting a new freezer coming tomorrow. 94 00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:52,150 But I haven't got a washing machine and you're not going to have 95 00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:53,510 any clean shirts! 96 00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:56,750 I'm just moving things round a bit. You know that's how I operate. 97 00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:58,550 I'll get you an even better one. 98 00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:00,670 Just trying to grab hold of a few quid, that's all. 99 00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:02,190 How are you going to do that? 100 00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:04,150 Well, we ain't been burgled for a while. 101 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:06,590 Oh, no. Please, let's not have another burglary. 102 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:09,030 Besides, you've just told the insurance man to piss off. 103 00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:10,870 - Who's going to pay us out, eh? - Danny! 104 00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:13,750 Go find that insurance bloke and give him this. 105 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:17,100 Make sure he knows that brings us right up-to-date. 106 00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:26,230 Blimey, Mary. Where you off to? 107 00:05:26,280 --> 00:05:28,550 Oh, hello, Bet. Bill's taking me to Portugal. 108 00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:31,070 - Portugal?! - Yeah, we're away for four nights. 109 00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:32,670 Blimey. 110 00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:35,350 - Here, where you off to? - Hello, Mrs Baker. Is Danny in? 111 00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:37,270 - Far as I know, love, yeah. - Don't be too long. 112 00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:40,470 You're supposed to be helping your brothers look after this shop. 113 00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:42,230 What, you won the pools or something? 114 00:05:42,280 --> 00:05:44,880 - No, we got a tax rebate. - Rebate? 115 00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:46,990 Tax? 116 00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:50,110 Bill and Mary Hodges were the only remotely middle class friends 117 00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:51,310 Mum and Dad had. 118 00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:53,070 - Ah, Beatrice. - New motor, Bill? 119 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:56,430 Yes. I have gifted the previous horseless carriage to the nation. 120 00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:59,070 Pride of place at the British Museum. 121 00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:01,750 Do you want us to bring you anything back from duty-free, Bet? 122 00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:04,150 - How about some wine? - Wine? 123 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:06,670 We don't drink wine in our house, Mary. 124 00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:08,230 Well, we never used to either, 125 00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:11,550 but we have a couple of glasses of a night now and we quiet enjoy it. 126 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,590 - Bill got quite legless the other night. - How dare you! 127 00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:17,390 I was simply looking under the sofa for a small piece of string. 128 00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:20,150 Now, we must be off, Mary. 129 00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:23,000 - Well, have a lovely time. - Thank you! 130 00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:25,000 - Ta-ra! - Ta-ta. 131 00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:27,040 Bye. 132 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:30,590 Now that we were hardened drinkers, 133 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:33,910 school suddenly seemed a bit slow and childish for me and my mates. 134 00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:36,030 There was the occasional bright spot, though. 135 00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:38,020 OK, please be seated. 136 00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:41,670 - Yes? - Sir, we already are seated, sir. 137 00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:43,800 Yeah. Yeah. 138 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:47,270 OK, I'm well aware, as I'm sure you are, 139 00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:49,550 what the subject of today's lesson is. 140 00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:52,670 And it's a lesson that I'm sure most of you think you don't need. 141 00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:55,880 Langford does. 142 00:06:56,920 --> 00:06:58,750 Human reproduction. 143 00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:01,510 Now, I take it you all know what reproduction means. 144 00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:03,710 Having it off. 145 00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:05,670 OK, all right. All right! 146 00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:08,670 Let's get this over and done with then. Any more you'd like to add? 147 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,710 - Knobbing. - Get in! 148 00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:12,950 - We can do better than that, surely. - What your mum did. 149 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:15,200 Chapman, see me afterwards. 150 00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:18,870 OK, in front of you, you'll find some small bits of paper. 151 00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:22,070 I'd like you to write down any questions you might have. 152 00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:26,760 And please, don't put your name on them. This is entirely anonymous. 153 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:35,590 Thank you. All right, let's see what we've got, shall we? 154 00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:39,070 "What happens when a sperm hits another sperm?" 155 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:40,670 (This is for Langford!) 156 00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:44,470 There is a... substance, 157 00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:48,270 which is called seminal fluid, in which sperms will float around 158 00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:51,710 and slide passed each other very easily. 159 00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:55,030 Next one -- "Why is Langford a queer?" 160 00:07:57,120 --> 00:07:59,630 Well, I'm not even going to dignify that with a response. 161 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:01,830 Just going to straight press on, thank you. 162 00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:03,620 "What is a fart?" 163 00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:07,310 Well, you've shot yourselves in the foot there, haven't you? 164 00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:10,350 You've shot yourselves in the foot, because now I'm going to ask you all 165 00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:14,190 to write the following phrase five... hundred... times. 166 00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:19,470 "The human body is... 167 00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:23,190 ".. a wonderful instrument... 168 00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:25,990 ".. that deserves... 169 00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:29,510 ".. my respect." 170 00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:33,280 Sir, I can't see your writing. Can you stand to the left a bit, sir? 171 00:08:34,720 --> 00:08:38,630 Bit more, sir. Can't see the first bit. 172 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:43,260 What's so funny? 173 00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:49,230 Ignorance, boys. It is a terrible think to have hanging over you head. 174 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:56,750 Mum was determined to continue with her own form of adult education. 175 00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:58,910 Do you ever drink wine, Maur? 176 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:00,190 What do you mean, wine? 177 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:02,150 Well, you know. With your dinner and that. 178 00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:04,790 What, corn beef and chips? 179 00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:06,670 I don't mean now. 180 00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:10,550 - No. Indoors. - Oh, no, wine ain't for indoors. 181 00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:12,950 - It's for when you go up West, ain't it? - And holidays. 182 00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:15,030 They had some in the hotel we was in last year. 183 00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:16,670 - Where was that? - Bournemouth. 184 00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:17,950 Do you like it? 185 00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:20,470 Well, we never had none of it. But they had it there. 186 00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:22,590 I'm sure you can get it from the off-licence. 187 00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:25,630 Why? Fred got hold of a load of grapes? 188 00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:27,350 Yeah. 189 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:28,830 (Yeah.) 190 00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:30,240 Hello! 191 00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:36,310 Is this supposed to be this far-fetched. 192 00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:40,120 - It's called The Prisoner, Dad. You just go with it. - Go with it? 193 00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:50,020 The only prisoner here's the poor bastard stuck watching it. 194 00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:55,510 Wine? What you bought wine for? 195 00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:57,190 Just thought it was time for a change. 196 00:09:57,240 --> 00:09:59,870 Is this about that bastard washing machine? 197 00:09:59,920 --> 00:10:02,030 I've told you, I'll get hold of another one for you. 198 00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:04,230 I got a few things on the bubble right now, all right? 199 00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:06,870 I don't want things on the bubble. I want them... 200 00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:09,750 un-bubbled. Here. Permanent. 201 00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:13,270 Get your feet off my settee. It's the only decent thing I've got. 202 00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:16,790 Bet, you don't want to start drinking wine. It's not for us. 203 00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:19,070 Just try some with me, will you? 204 00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:21,830 Do you reckon this is how they do it up Claridge's? 205 00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:23,400 Careful. 206 00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:27,000 - Oh, bollocks! - Oh! - Gone inside. 207 00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:29,350 Oh, it's The Prisoner. 208 00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:30,830 'Getting a drink was hard enough, 209 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:33,310 'but pretending you hadn't had one was nearly has hard.' 210 00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:34,550 What you doing? 211 00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:36,070 Living the high life. 212 00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:37,880 Like yourself. 213 00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:41,230 - Here you go. - Go easy. It's got to last. 214 00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:43,390 Go on, get stuck in. 215 00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:46,740 You'll be talking like the Queen Mother after that. 216 00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:49,590 What do you reckon? 217 00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:52,960 - It's lovely. - Yeah? 218 00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:56,430 What do you think? 219 00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:58,830 I don't think that screwdriver helped. 220 00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:01,830 Oh, well, I like it. Makes a nice change. 221 00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:04,070 Here, have you trod in something? 222 00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:07,070 - He has! - Oh, Danny! - Danny! 223 00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:10,950 - Dirty bastard. Get out. Get out, go on. Animal. - Don't put it down. 224 00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:14,080 Hop! Hop! Ugh. God's sake! 225 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:17,270 What's that? Fish batter? 226 00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:19,670 - Oh. - It's his keys, ain't it? - Yeah. 227 00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:22,910 - They fell off the counter at the chip shop! - Get a couple of gherkins with them? 228 00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:24,950 Ah! 229 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:28,750 - Well, this is a mad house! - Careful! - It's a mad house! 230 00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:31,430 This is what I'm talking about, Fred. 231 00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:33,270 The sofa's ruined. 232 00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:35,590 I can't have nothing nice, can I? 233 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:38,030 Fred, I need a word. 234 00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:39,880 'I am a free man!' 235 00:11:40,590 --> 00:11:41,590 What? 236 00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:43,580 I... I feel like I... 237 00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:47,070 I feel like we're on a roundabout... 238 00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:50,150 at a fairground, grabbing at things as they go by, 239 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:53,990 dropping them and grabbing at other things as they come by. 240 00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:57,240 We're trying hard but we're not getting anywhere. 241 00:11:59,560 --> 00:12:02,270 - Where do you want to go? - No! 242 00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:04,350 No, what I mean is... 243 00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:06,670 don't you think we're missing out on things? 244 00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:08,670 No. I don't. 245 00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:10,920 Well, sometimes I do, Fred. 246 00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:15,720 Don't you ever think of trying something new? Another thing, say? 247 00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:18,110 Like what? 248 00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:20,100 I don't know. Like... 249 00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:24,350 Like... like going away... to Portugal. 250 00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:25,910 Portugal?! 251 00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:28,670 - I couldn't think of anything worse! - Really? 252 00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:30,590 What are we going to do in Portugal, Bet? 253 00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:34,710 Don't you want to... try anything different? 254 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:36,630 Meet any new people? 255 00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:38,620 Not particularly, no. 256 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:42,630 But if you want to, I'll give it a whack. 257 00:12:42,680 --> 00:12:44,680 What do you want to do? 258 00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:47,950 Go away somewhere. Anywhere. 259 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:51,000 - For a little break, the two of us. - Where? 260 00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:53,910 Joycie Ball goes down the caravan some weekends. 261 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:56,630 Is that what you want? Piss up against a tree, 262 00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:58,870 hear everyone horse-and-carting all night long? 263 00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:01,430 Well, how is that different than going the Jolly Gardener's 264 00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:03,420 every Saturday night? 265 00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:15,680 ♪ Up in a clear sky Just feel the breeze 266 00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:21,870 ♪ Take some shelter beneath the trees 267 00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:28,190 ♪ All of the summer the sun's beating down 268 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:33,710 ♪ Within the country of out of town 269 00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:36,510 ♪ Happy days in the haze of summer... 270 00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:38,100 Here you go. 271 00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,540 Keep the change, Chas. 272 00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:44,750 ♪ We're going to take a break by the rolling sea 273 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:49,790 ♪ The perfect summer Just you and me. ♪ 274 00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:51,920 Ooh. Oh. 275 00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:57,590 Where's the light switch? 276 00:13:57,960 --> 00:13:59,870 - What? - The light switch? 277 00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:02,150 - Well, it's gas, innit. - Gas? 278 00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:05,360 Yeah. It's all I could get last minute. 279 00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:09,120 There you go. 280 00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:12,110 It's not bad. 281 00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:14,200 No. It's all right. 282 00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:19,670 There. 283 00:14:19,720 --> 00:14:22,920 - It's nice. - Cosy. - Yeah, cosy. 284 00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:44,230 I thought they'd have a telly or something. 285 00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:45,750 A gas one? 286 00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:51,880 Well, you said you wanted peace and quiet. 287 00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:56,040 Just the two of us, away from the estate. 288 00:14:57,120 --> 00:14:58,920 You got your wine. 289 00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:02,830 You still don't look happy, girl. 290 00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:05,920 What is it, Bet? What you looking for? 291 00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:11,900 Oh, just come and sit next to us, will you? 292 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:17,020 Oh, mind me wine. 293 00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:40,350 - Fred... - There's a spider making a web up there. 294 00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:41,600 Huh. 295 00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:45,480 What's that? 296 00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:52,030 Here, that's Derek Taylor's motor. 297 00:15:52,080 --> 00:15:55,430 What? Derek from Gillam House? Yeah, it looks like it. Eh? 298 00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:00,470 - Derek! - Spud! 299 00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:02,670 What you doing here? 300 00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:05,510 - Are you just leaving? - No, we just arrived. 301 00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:07,430 But... we've got a week booked. 302 00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:09,630 Oh, my giddy aunt. 303 00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:11,950 Who'd you book it with? Joey Churcher? 304 00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:14,150 - Yeah. - Dirty bastard! 305 00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:16,110 - It's our anniversary! - Is it? 306 00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:18,150 Well, you'd better come in then. 307 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:19,430 We're double booked! 308 00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:22,150 Is that who you got this off? Joey Churcher? 309 00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:24,630 Fred, you said you were having nothing more to do with him 310 00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:26,390 after he poisoned that donkey. 311 00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:27,670 Well, he had his reasons. 312 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:31,030 Yeah. Thing is, like I said, it's our anniversary, Bet. 313 00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:33,190 - Hello, Val! - Hi, Val. - Hi. 314 00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:35,190 - Happy anniversary, but... - Thanks, Bet. 315 00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:37,550 .. where we supposed to sleep? On the roof? 316 00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:39,710 Oh, we'll be all right. Don't worry about that. 317 00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:42,430 - We'll sort something out. - Yeah! We can sort this out. 318 00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:43,910 Val, get the kids out the car. 319 00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:46,190 - Kids? - Kid's are here. Oh. 320 00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:49,070 - Whay! - Who's this? 321 00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:51,520 - Wally! - Ahhh! - Evening, all! 322 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:54,910 - It's Wally! - Hello, hello. 323 00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:57,950 Lil's here! Lil's here! What you doing here? 324 00:16:58,000 --> 00:16:59,710 I've got a shocking thirst on me, Baker. 325 00:16:59,760 --> 00:17:01,630 Apparently this stuff's pretty good for it. 326 00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:04,030 You got a bottle opener? 327 00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:06,110 Did you know Wally and Lil were coming here? 328 00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:08,070 I had no idea! I had no idea. 329 00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:11,590 Oh, well... I mean, I said we were going away in a caravan. 330 00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:14,750 And, you know, obviously... you know, they were passing. 331 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,990 You know, and they're here! 332 00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:19,270 Where are we supposed to sleep now that Derek and Val 333 00:17:19,320 --> 00:17:20,830 and the kids are in with us, eh? 334 00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:22,550 Well, we'll sort something out. 335 00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:25,750 Don't worry about it. We'll be all right. We'll hatch up. 336 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,270 We'll hatch up! 337 00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:30,430 - Get it down your neck, me old son. - That's it! 338 00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:31,750 With Mum and Dad away, 339 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:34,350 I was hoping another adult milestone would soon be passed, 340 00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:36,070 this time with my girlfriend, Yvonne. 341 00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:39,190 It's no good, you playing these records. I can't relax. 342 00:17:39,240 --> 00:17:41,630 I keep thinking your mum's going to walk in on us again. 343 00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:44,030 No, it's all right. They're all down the caravan. 344 00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:46,950 - Dymchurch? Everyone goes there. - Yeah. 345 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:51,230 Anyway, so come on. What's this surprise you've got for me, then? 346 00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:52,680 Oh, yeah. 347 00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:56,820 'It was time to introduce the magic ingredient.' 348 00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:02,310 - What's this? - This is Guinness, that's a pale ale. 349 00:18:02,360 --> 00:18:03,910 Which one do you want? 350 00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:05,430 I'm not a stevedore. 351 00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:07,550 It's all I could get! 352 00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:10,230 It'll get us drunk. 353 00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:11,880 How revolting. 354 00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:14,110 I don't want to get drunk. 355 00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:16,030 Is that what this is all about? 356 00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:17,950 Just think it's time that we grow up a bit. 357 00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:20,270 Time one of us grew up a bit. 358 00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:23,640 I'll go watch some telly downstairs. 359 00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:29,240 If you'd have got Cinzano, might have been different. 360 00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:33,110 Cinzano? 361 00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:40,990 ♪ Roll out those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer 362 00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:45,390 ♪ Those days of soda and pretzels and beer 363 00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:47,920 ♪ Roll out those... ♪ 364 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:50,950 Maybe I've figured it out. 365 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:52,990 The kids can kip in Derek's car, 366 00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:55,030 Derek and... Yeah!.. Derek and Val, 367 00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:56,870 they can kip in the bed behind the curtain. 368 00:18:56,920 --> 00:18:59,750 It's their anniversary. No privacy, right? 369 00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:01,150 And me and you... 370 00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:03,910 Whay-hey! 371 00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:05,150 Look who's here! 372 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:07,310 - What are you all doing here? - What's going on, eh? 373 00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:09,030 - You booked it for the week? - Yeah. 374 00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:11,470 - Don't tell me -- Joey Churcher. - Yeah. 375 00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:13,510 Dirty bastard! 376 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:18,110 Hey, the Gardener's won't take a tenner tonight! 377 00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:20,470 Give that man a glass, Wal. Give him a glass. 378 00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:22,910 You all right over there? There you go! 379 00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:26,590 Come on, Bet -- cheer up! Imagine there's a war on. 380 00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:28,670 Yeah. There might as well be 381 00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:31,310 cos as far as I'm concerned, it can't get any worse. 382 00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:33,470 Nah! 383 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,280 Oh! 384 00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:47,430 - Joey Churcher... - Dirty bastard! 385 00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:50,430 Oh, my goodness. 386 00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:53,350 I know I shouldn't laugh, but it does sound funny. 387 00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:56,270 I bet your bleeding floor didn't collapse in Portugal. 388 00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:59,350 - No, but Bill nearly did after a couple of bottles of that. - Did he? 389 00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:01,230 Oh, thanks for this. 390 00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:04,350 - What is it again? - Rose wine. You'll like it. 391 00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:06,990 - Yeah. Well, I like the little basket. - Yeah. 392 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:08,990 And you can pop a candle in the top there. 393 00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:10,750 Yeah? Does that keep it fresh? 394 00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:13,630 After you've drank it, you soppy cow! 395 00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:15,470 It's romantic! 396 00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:18,750 Oh, I don't know, Mary. It's a whole different world. 397 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:22,190 A bowl of cockles outside the pub is about as romantic as Fred gets. 398 00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:24,670 Well, why don't you come with us this Saturday. 399 00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:26,990 - I could use the company. - Yeah? Where you going? 400 00:20:27,040 --> 00:20:30,510 Bermondsey Small Retailers Annual Dinner Dance. 401 00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:31,790 That sounds marvellous. 402 00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:34,310 Oh, you've obviously never been to one. 403 00:20:34,360 --> 00:20:39,110 ♪ For once in my life I have someone who needs me 404 00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:41,150 ♪ Someone I've needed so... ♪ 405 00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:43,270 This is a bit more near the mark, eh? 406 00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:45,910 Sorry I can't get us all on the same table, Bet, 407 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:49,270 what with the late notice, but we can all mingle later on. 408 00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:51,630 Yeah, we'll be all right on our own, Mary. 409 00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:54,670 All right, love. Hope that's had all its injections. 410 00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:58,880 - Ease up a bit Fred, eh? - What? 411 00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:03,190 'In spite of my setback with Yvonne, I'd not become disillusioned 412 00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:05,030 'about the many and varied advantages 413 00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:07,190 'of going out and getting a right old skin-full.' 414 00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:09,580 Lads, lads, we've got a ladder! 415 00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:21,000 - Put it down! - Don't drop it! 416 00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:24,230 - Whay-hey! - Whaaaay! 417 00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:26,620 - Leave it out. - Oh, come on. 418 00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:32,270 Here, 'scuse me, Chas. Where'd you get your skimmish? 419 00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:35,430 - Your drink? - Waiters are bringing it round, Fred. 420 00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:37,270 And don't call everybody Chas. 421 00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:39,060 Well, I'm just... 422 00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:45,670 And as I never tire of telling people, we can't all be a Harrods, 423 00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:49,640 or a Selfridges, or the big Ravel Shoes in Tower Bridge Road... 424 00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:53,390 I'm going to have to get a light ale, Betty. I'm screeching. 425 00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:55,270 Anybody want anything when I'm up the ramp? 426 00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:56,470 I'm sure they don't, Fred. 427 00:21:56,520 --> 00:21:58,870 - Mackeson. - Mackeson's. - I'll have a bitter. 428 00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:00,150 - Pint of lager. - Lager. 429 00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:02,190 You're not going to leave me on my own, are you? 430 00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:04,390 I thought this is what you wanted, meet new people. 431 00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:07,030 - .. the Sarson's Vinegar factory... - Won't be a minute. 432 00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:09,020 .. in Mombasa Street. 433 00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:18,270 Your husband... he's quite a character, isn't he? 434 00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:19,870 We both run a stationers 435 00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:24,030 and he was telling us how he could get 1,000 ballpoint pens for £25. 436 00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:27,670 - Is that right? - How on earth could he do that and still make money? 437 00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:31,230 Oh... he... moves things around. 438 00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:34,190 Good evening, everyone. I hope you're enjoying yourselves. 439 00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:35,590 Now, I know most people here, 440 00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:37,430 but I don't believe we've had the pleasure? 441 00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:38,950 Oh, uh, Bet. Erm... 442 00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:41,870 - Elizabeth Baker. - Very pleased to meet you. 443 00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:44,870 - It's my silver wedding anniversary this evening. - Congratulations. 444 00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:47,510 I've got a little something planned for later on 445 00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:50,190 - that I'm hoping you can all be part of. - Oh, right! 446 00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:52,580 Enjoy the rest of the evening. 447 00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:56,710 Me and my mates had reached a point in the evening 448 00:22:56,760 --> 00:22:59,190 best described as "seemed like a good idea at the time". 449 00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:00,870 Can we ditch it now? 450 00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:03,310 Lads, lads, let's leave it up against the bank, eh? 451 00:23:03,360 --> 00:23:04,990 Brilliant! 452 00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:07,550 Old Bill will have a fit when they see that there. 453 00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:09,310 There we are. 454 00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:11,150 Whaaay! 455 00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:13,190 Shit! 456 00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:14,550 What we going to do? 457 00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:17,510 Let's just wait here and just explain what happened. 458 00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:19,230 Bollocks to that. Let's just run! 459 00:23:19,280 --> 00:23:21,820 But we can't just run. This is bad. 460 00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:25,590 - Give us me wallet. - You want your wallet? - Yeah. 461 00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:27,510 Yeah? Go and get it. 462 00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:32,190 What have you done? 463 00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:35,270 That is not funny, you wankers! What am I going to do?! 464 00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:37,230 Just go and get it, Trev. Just go... 465 00:23:37,280 --> 00:23:40,270 I'm not going in a bank in the middle of the night, am I? 466 00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:44,230 You're going to have to or you'll be banged up for a thousand years. 467 00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:46,350 'Drink had little effect on Dad. 468 00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:49,340 'He was like this most of the time anyway.' 469 00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:55,750 'But for Mum, it was a different story.' 470 00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:57,990 - Enjoying it, Bet? - Well, Fred certainly is. 471 00:23:58,040 --> 00:24:00,950 I'll bet Fred has a good time wherever he goes. 472 00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:04,160 - Right, come on girls, drink up. - Mary! 473 00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:08,750 Ugh! 474 00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:11,590 I have always wanted to do that. Come on! 475 00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:15,540 Sometimes it's the only way to get through nights like this. 476 00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:19,550 Two dwarfs in a brothel... 477 00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:21,270 Where have you been? 478 00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:22,950 - Outside with the girls. - Oh, yeah. 479 00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:25,350 Listening to them all say what a lovely bloke you are. 480 00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:28,110 Oh, well. Not made of wood. 481 00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:30,750 Now, ladies and gentlemen, we all know that tonight 482 00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:33,590 is the biggest night of the year for Bermondsey retail, 483 00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:37,230 but it is also a very special night for myself and Mrs Trump. 484 00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:39,390 It's our silver wedding anniversary! 485 00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:40,680 Aww. 486 00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:44,550 So, I'd like to ask my dear lady wife 487 00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:47,960 to join me for our very own anniversary waltz. 488 00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:52,040 - This is it. This is it. - What's what? 489 00:25:02,120 --> 00:25:05,110 - Try not to kick them up the arse as they come by. - Shh! Fred. 490 00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:07,230 This is the big moment he's got planned for her. 491 00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:10,150 - What's that? - He wants us all in on it. 492 00:25:15,120 --> 00:25:17,950 Oh, here we go, here we go! Come on, he wants us to join them. 493 00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:20,310 - Come on! - Bet. 494 00:25:20,360 --> 00:25:21,830 Bet! 495 00:25:21,880 --> 00:25:23,350 Come back. 496 00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:03,800 Excuse me. 497 00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:08,240 Bet! 498 00:26:09,080 --> 00:26:10,440 Bet! 499 00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:18,080 - You all right? - I thought he was waving me on! 500 00:26:18,520 --> 00:26:21,120 I've made such a fool out of myself. 501 00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:24,030 It's all right. They're all laughing in there. 502 00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:25,950 Oh, are they? Oh, great. 503 00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:27,470 Great! 504 00:26:27,520 --> 00:26:30,400 - Come on, let's go back in. - No, Fred! 505 00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:34,540 - Oh, take me home. - Really? 506 00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:40,110 Come on. Fucking hell. 507 00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:41,870 What were you thinking? 508 00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:44,550 I don't know. He came over, he said 509 00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:47,390 "I'd like to this special thing, I hope you'll all join in." 510 00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:48,870 I thought that's what he meant! 511 00:26:48,920 --> 00:26:51,110 - Come on, Trev. - Be careful! 512 00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:52,630 You can do it.. 513 00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:55,280 - This ain't happening. - Hurry up! 514 00:26:57,080 --> 00:26:58,550 Go on, Coxy! 515 00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:01,230 Whoa! Ho-ho! 516 00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:04,110 'It had been a sobering night all round, 517 00:27:04,160 --> 00:27:06,390 'and we'd all learned a few lessons -- 518 00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:10,470 'Mum, me... and poor old Trevor Cox.' 519 00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:12,920 I'm going to kill you, Churcher! 520 00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:21,600 I've found it! 521 00:27:26,480 --> 00:27:28,880 See you later, Trev! 522 00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:39,360 You got it all out your system, then? 523 00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:43,480 - What? - All that dream world? 524 00:27:46,120 --> 00:27:48,470 - I suppose so. - Hmm. 525 00:27:48,520 --> 00:27:51,520 Saying that, I wouldn't mind another do like tonight, girl. 526 00:27:52,680 --> 00:27:55,510 No, straight. I made some lovely connections there. 527 00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:57,190 - Connections? - Yeah. 528 00:27:57,240 --> 00:28:00,230 I think I'll earn a few quid out of that mob there tonight. 529 00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:02,990 Shoes, handbags, Port. 530 00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:06,230 Here, turns out that ginger fella own half share in a caff, 531 00:28:06,280 --> 00:28:08,710 so we'll be rid of all that haddock by the weekend. 532 00:28:08,760 --> 00:28:10,430 Are you serious? 533 00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:12,550 You were right, you know. 534 00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:14,870 It's good to meet new people. 535 00:28:30,680 --> 00:28:34,280 ♪ They say time will wait for no man 536 00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:39,080 ♪ They say time is on my side 537 00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:44,070 ♪ I can never make my mind up 538 00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:47,070 ♪ Cos it all goes whizzing by 539 00:28:47,120 --> 00:28:52,990 - ♪ From the cradle to the grave - From the cradle to the grave 540 00:28:53,040 --> 00:28:56,360 - ♪ I know I won't be a slave - I know I won't be a slave... ♪